American Pie 2 (2001) Script

-Sure you don't wanna go tomyroom? No. Why?

My room mate'sal ready moved out. We'll be all alone.

-All right. The dooris locked.

Okay,Jim, relax. Relax. Okay, yeah, sure.

Nostrings attached, okay? It's just friendly good-bye sex.

Yeah, right. Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, right. Right, right, right, right.

But you see, it'sjust that... we've never even had friendly hello sex.

So do you not wanna do this?

Oh, I do. Yeah. No, I definitely do.

It's just that... you see, this is actually my first time.

Well, not my first. It's my first time... since my first time.

So, technically, that's my second time.

And I don't-- I don't wanna suck at it.

So if I'm not up to par, performance-wise--

Jim, this isn't exactly a turn-on.

I mean, girls like a guy with confidence.

Hey, I'm confident.

Oh, I am-- I'm absolutely, totally confident.

Let's get naked. Okay.

Seems like just yesterday my dad picked me up after my first year at college.

We popped a couple ofbeers... and he said, "Now, you're a man."

And today I get to say the same thing to my son.

Honey, your speeches embarrass him.

So, try and do what the kids say, andjust be cool.

I think I bring new meaning to the word "cool," honey.

That's his dormitory up ahead.

Turn over.

Can't bring alcohol in the dorms. Good.

Thankyou, Matt. I'm just here to surprise my sonJim.

Now pin my leg up. What?

Pin my leg up, like this.

Maybe you can help me out, you know.

Is that the one? No.


Now I remember.

I didn't do this for you.

Thanks, dude.

Where's my big guy? Oh, my God!

-Jesus! -Jim, we got here a little early.

Dad, get out! I'll wait in the car.

Go, Dad! Oh, my--

Geez! Was that your dad?

I'm so sorry. For your own edification... son, I'm not embarrassed.

I am!

It's a perfectly normal thing for two... human beings to do. Dad, what are you doing?

This is human nature-- human nature at its best.

Son, everybody does it. Your mother and I-- Well, not so much anymore.

Gotyour favorite. Oh, my God! They're fucking!

Honey, honey, listen. I'm gonna take her--

Pleasejust go! Actually, ifyou wouldn't mind.

Honey-- I'll take her to the car.

Hi, Mama. What?


I'm Jim's dad.

You must be the parents ofthis young lady.

I'm sorry I didn't get her name, but hopefully my son did... because I have not been here the whole time. because I have not been here the whole time.

Natalie, get dressed!

Beer? Avert your eyes! Turn around!

Thanks,Jim. Don't believe in locks? Oh, my God!

Hey, fuckface.

Mornin', dude. Come on, Ozzy. It's show time.

Before you go to Ann Arbor to pick up Heather...

I wanna show you what you're missing.

See what they are today, dude. See what they are today.

Okay, here we go. Moment of truth.

There's little hearts on her panties! Super.

There's little hearts on her panties! Come on, look, you pussy. Look.

What the fuck, man? Come on!

I'm disappointed in you.

Here it is, the end ofour freshman year and you screwed one girl.


You're a disgrace to men every where.

Look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year... and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.

All right, here's a new idea for you, Stifler, okay?

You find a girl. You two become best friends.

You don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other.

You laugh at the people who do count. Here's a new idea for you.

I'll getyou a spoon soyou can eat my ass.

Okay, people, notebooks closed. Let's get this exam rolling.

Oh, shit! Do we got an exam today?

Areyou kiddin' me? Bullshit.

Yes! I'm never even gonna think about political science again.

Hey. How'd you do?

Fine. Yeah?

I can't believe I'm doing the summer abroad. Last thing I need, more classes.

You're gonna have a great time. Hello, summer!

Did that exam blow orwhat? Yeah, it sucked.

Kev, what's up, man? How are you? Good.

Put your party hat on.

We got 1 2 weeks of immortality ahead. Yes, sir!


The one that got away, huh, son?

Well, evidently you two made quite the hand some couple on the Internet.

I didn't see it.

It was brought up at a PTA meeting.

Anyway, my point is... these little sexual debacles should not getyou down, becauseyou know what?

It happens to the best ofus.

In fact... the first time your mother and I... got together...

I used a condom.

Well, she referred to it as "shrinkwrapping."

But I got over it.

Anyway, keep your chin up. You keep plugging... and good things will happen.

Good to have you home, son.

It's good to be home, Dad.

It's gonna be nice to hit Stifler's tonight after exams.

Did you get through 'em? There's the mystery man!

Finch, how are you?

It' japanese It means "hello." Hello.

Finch, what happened to Latin? Met a Japanese girl at the art museum.

Changed majors. Wanted to understand all those things she was moaning.

You got laid in an art museum? The Met.

And the Guggenheim with Francesca. The Guggenheim?

And then my social-psych professor in Baskin-Robbins.

All right, enough.

But I'll tell you, none of these women even compare to--

Stifler's mom.

Stifler's mom is a goddess.

How about some more of Stifmeister's collegiate concoction?

This thing is like half alcohol. You'rejust trying to get me drunk.

Mary, would I do that?

My name's Christy. Christy, right. Beautiful name.

Like it matters.

Hey, how you doing?

Howdy-howdy, fuckin' partners!

Johnny C., how's it going? Good to see you.

Looks like someone gained the freshman 1 5.

This'll help. You're an ass hole.

Missed you too.

All right, everybody having a good time? Ladies.

Fellas! How's it going?

The keg's back there as always. Enjoy.

Ladies, I'm Steve Stifler and I have an 1 1 -inch penis... around!

Think about it. Sherman!

Okay, Stifler, takeyour shot.

Come on, man. I'm really happy to seeyou.

All right.

You stupid fuck!

Areyou Steve Stifler? Yes, I am.

Thankyou for throwing this awesome party, man.

No problem. The cops bust all our parties now.

Well, I put the word out so high school chicks would come.

Just 'causeyou fuckers don't have dicks doesn't make it okay for you to be here.

Hey, could I askyou a question? Sure, son.

Is it true that Paul Finch nailed your mom?

Sons ofbitches.

My mom's a saint!

Go choke some dick!

Hey, Carlos,Jason.

What's goin' on? Keg's back on the deck.

How was Iowa State?

Did you see those fuckers I had to boot out ofhere?

Back at Stifler's. Just like old times.

One difference.

We're college men now.

Some ofthese girls are from the grade below us.

I might actually have a chance.

Hey, I rememberyou.

Doyou now?

You're that guywho blew his load on the Internet.

Splat. "Oh, wait, Nadia, don't go." Splat.

Pathetic. Loser.

It's exactly like old times.

I'm gonna miss you. I'll miss you.

I'll call you when I get in, okay?

Go have fun.


I can't believe those two girls, Kevin.

I can't believe those two girls, Kevin.

Jim, it's not a big deal.

They toyed with my emotions.

Hello. Hello. See? There's other girls.

How areyou? You got nothing to worry about, man.

Jessica's here.

With Vicky.

And Vicky got hot!

What's that supposed to mean?

Look at her.

Yeah,Jim, I see her. Hey, Kevin.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Vic, how areyou? What's up?

I'm okay. Yeah, I'm good.

That's good.

It's good to hear. Yeah, you too.


Well, this is about as comfortable as a high colonic in Tijuana.

And I would know. Okay.

I'm gonna get a drink. She's right.

Why is this so weird? Actually, I have no idea.

See, I knew it. I knewyou'd be mature about this.

You know, and we could still be friends, right?

I miss you, Kev.


Friends, right?

Yeah, right. I mean, I knowyou said friends and I-- I just--

I'm sorry. I was-- It wasjust... an old habit-- a friend kiss.

Areyou sure?

Vic, whywouldn't I wanna be friends with you?

Look, we'll-- we'll just do this, okay?

Friends. Friends.

Ozzy, my man! There he is.

Shake offyour chains ofmonogamy? You're a free man.

I don't think so, Stifler. I'll never turn over to the dark side.

Dumb ass. What happened to the Nova I knew in high school?

Nova, as in Casanova, the guywho had all the moves.

He was an idiot. Yeah, but he was my idiot.

Hey, everyone, listen up!

Nova's back, baby... and he's taken the lock offhis cock!

Ozzy, I'm lobbing you a softball.

Pull outyour bat and take a swing.


This is my friend, Oz. All-state lacrosse twoyears running.

Hi, Oz. Mandy, how areyou?

Listen. I have a girlfriend.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

Beer out back.

You pussy!

Stifler's mom's room.

How did you do that magicyou did?


What the fuck areyou doin' in here?

-Just relax. You get out ofmy house!

-Jesus Christ! Come back here, you little fucker!

Come back here, you son ofa bitch! Take it easy.

Easy! Easy! That's enough.

Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right?

Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches.

'Cause he fuckin' bit me!

You touch me, I bite.

You two relax and shake hands. Shake this.

I need a drink.

Why is everybody taking a piss right now?

-Line's too long. I ain't gonna make it. -You'll be okay. Relax.

Hey, bro. Hey, man, you're the guywho boned Stifler's mom.

Hey, you are a god. Holy shit, dude.

IfI didn't have to hold my dick 'cause I gotta piss, I would shakeyour hand.

I'm honored, guys. Don't leave.

You must teach me. How?


Lookwhat I found, Christy.

What a coincidence.

I've been saving this for a special occasion...

I've been saving this for a special occasion... for a special girl, just likeyou. for a special girl, just likeyou.

You're so sweet. That's what they say.


Oh, my God. I spilled some on you.

Maybe I should mop that up. Thanks.

No problem.

Whoa! Whoa, hey.

Take it slow. Come on. Right.

You know, theywarn us about these situations in college.

Now, you may be intoxicated.

Oh, yeah.

Areyou certain thatyou wish to engage in consenting--

Hey, don't count your chickens, buster.

I'm just playing by the rules, baby. I make the rules.

That's a pretty good fucking rule.

Dude, the line's too long. I'll never make it.

It's gotta happen now. Get my back. Go, bro.

Clamp it off. Hello.

How areyou? Awesome.

How areyou? I'm really good.

How 'bout I giveyou a little champagne?

Go downstairs and get us some beers?

I've got a surprise for you. Closeyour eyes and get ready.

I'm ready.

You want a beer? Yeah, all right.

Okay, go.

This is kind ofkinky, and I like that.

That's it. Bathe the Stifmeister.

Oh, that's great!

That's great.

How did you get it so nice and warm?

I can taste the bubbles.

Actually, I can't.

Much better.

Wait a second.

Let's go. Thanks, man.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Yep. Halfthese got East High parking passes on them.

Gotta break up another one. Call in a couple ofunits.

Isn't this the Stifler house? Yeah. Ever seen Ms. Stifler?

What a MI LF! Yeah? She got all that?

Okay, now... do these high schoolers thinkwe're cool because they're at a college party... or are we those weird older guys... that try to hang out with high school kids when we come home?

No way. We're definitely not those guys.

Cops! Cops!

Break it up. Party's over.

Let's go.

Welcome back.

Where's Steve Stifler?

I got peed on.

No, man, Stifler's got shut down.

We can't party anywhere anymore.

And things are--

Getting weird? Yeah, alittlebit.

First summer back from college.

Yep, things are gonna get weirder.

What areyou talkin' about? Well, times change, people change.

It'sjust whathappens, youknow.

Kev, listen. Go into my old room.

My friendsandIknewthat it was up to us tostick together.

Youremembermy firstcollegesummer? We rentedthatlakehousein GrandHarbor.

We treatedevery dayout there likeit wasapost-promparty.

Hellofa time. We cappedit alloffwithamassiveblowout.

Bestever. It was legendary.

Myadviceis do that. By the endofthesummer... you'regonnasee thebigpicture.

-She's on the phone. It's long distance. -Who?

Nadia! Nadia! What?

New York. Hello. Yes, dear, he's right here.

Here. Wait. Now remember--

Yes, I am sure to go see the Lion King.

Right. Anddon'tride thesubwayaftermidnight.

I know they've done wonderful things with that city, but, you know, for me--

Dad! He's right-- Hang on.

How was college? College was excellent.

Yeah. Yeah, it was-- it was really excellent.

You have not forgotten about me, haveyou?

No. I-- Absolutely not.

Idefinitely didn't. Good, because guess what.

I'm coming to seeyou at the end ofsummer.

Ihopeyou're ready forme... because Ihavenotforgotten aboutyoueither, yousexyboy.

Shit. -Jim, you can eat hot dogs tomorrow.

No, Finch, it's not the hot dogs.

Nadia called me this morning.

She's coming here at the end of the summer and she wants to see me.

That's killer. Yeah, that's a good thing.

No, not "good thing." Not "killer."

I'll never be able to do it.

Nadia is gonna be expecting filet mignon.

Okay, and all I'm gonna be able to give her... is rump roast.

Come on.Jim, you've had experience since Nadia.

Ah, yes, you would be referring to... the flute-fetish band geek that made me her bitch, then ditched me after prom.

Yes, that's great experience.

Youjust gotta find the right girl,Jimbo.

Brings it all together. I had the right woman.

Shejust sells her cottage and takes offto parts unknown.

My romantic life has passed its peak.

Take me out to the pasture and shoot me.

Super start to a super summer, fellas. Welcome home.

Guys, I got it. Packyour bags.


We're moving to the lake.

We're gonna be the shit. Everybody on the beach is gonna know us.

Plenty ofopportunities to practice for Nadia.

Throw a huge party at the end ofthe summer to cap it all off.

Dude, that's a great idea. That way we'll be able to welcome Heather back... and we'll be able to prepare for Nadia's big arrival.

This is it. This is my summer oflove.

Just thought I'd say good-bye toyou animals.

Hey, Mr. Levenstein. How areyou, sir?

All packed up, I see. We're all set, Dad.

Don't worry, okay? I'll be fine.

Come on and give your old man a hug.

Keep it real, homies.

You too, sir. Have a good summer.

All right, let's go.

I've been running these numbers and the four ofus can't afford this place.

Not on summerjobs.

Well, I kind ofthought ofthat.

So, I invited someone else.

Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor!

Deck the halls! Bye-bye, Great Falls!

Wipe my ass and lick my balls!

It's Stifler time, baby!

Stifler, ifyou're gonna be living with us, you gotta behaveyourself.

All right, you and Finch just stay out ofeach other's way.

Kevin, Stifler's stench is unavoidable.

Finch, fistyourself.

That's right, baby. We're here.

Yeah, baby, we're here!

It's a palace. It's a temple.

Isn't this great?

Dude. Areyou kidding me?

Thisjust won't do.


Check this out. This is it.

Will you idiots tell me what this fucker's doin'?

Don't touch me while I'm tantric.

"Tantric?" What the fuck is tantric?

It's a Buddhist discipline.

You learn to channel your body's energies--your chakras.

When you can do that, you can have sex for hours, even days.

And this stuff's for real?

It's been around for centuries.

With tantra you can make an entire session ofsex... feel like one giant orgasm.

Eventually, you can sustain that feeling by meditating.

Maybeyou can teach me sometime? Very doubtful.

True. Come on,Jim.

You can't possibly be that bad. Oh, no?

No way.

I guess there's only one person that really knows for sure, huh?

Oh, yeah? Where is she this summer?

Hey, areyou here for the mid-session performance?

Guests go in the amphitheater. You can't be here.

Doyou know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?

Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time... a bear came, and then the bear had to be destroyed... which means they shot it in the head with a rifle and killed it and it died.

You must know Michelle.

One, two, three, four.

That's a lot offlutes.

Good luck. Thanks.

Goodjob. Have fun atyour next class.

Jim. Holy potatoes!

You're really here? Everybody stick together.

Oh, shoot!

We're not supposed to have visitors...

We're not supposed to have visitors...

'cause this one time, here... this kid had these cookies-- this kid had these cookies--

Let me guess. A bear came.


It's likeyou know all our stories.

Was that a question?

I don't know. Maybe.

Doyou wanna answer it anyway?

I leftyou like-- like three messages after prom.


You didn't think I was weird because ofthe way I acted that night?

Weird, no.

Surprising, yes.

I get nastywhen I'm horny.

That's kind ofwhy I'm here.

You remember, was I any good that night?

Wow. Geez.

How could I forget?

You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing.

But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?

I'm sorry. "Terrible?" I've had worse.


I could giveyou some pointers ifyou want.


Shoot. Okay, wait here. I'll meetyou in an hour, okay?

Yeah. Wait.

Cool idea.

What areyou doing?

You're all right. Here we go. You know you're not supposed to be here now.

Everyone's supposed to be in the amphitheater. All right, come on.

It's piss poor to be this late. I'm very angry right now.

You can tell by the tone ofmyvoice I'm angry. I'm pissed offis what I am.

Here they are. Got him home. Go, go.

Wait a minute. Areyou Petey?

Yeah, sure.

Petey! Well, that explains everything.

All right. Well, always something with these kids. Go!

We arejust so thrilled to haveyou. None ofmy kids are atyour caliber.

But we arejust so overjoyed to have someone with your kind oftalent here.

Great. Hereyou go.

Look at this. Your old best friend.

Come on. Move. I know it's notyours... butyou are going to make beautiful music.

Here we go. This is fantastic. I'm very excited.

Youjust own this and break a leg.

What was he doing wandering unsupervised?

Who knows?

I'll tell you something. I'm about fed up with these Tall Oaks North kids.

Kids, entertain yourselves. Play along with Petey.

No, no, no, Petey. Here we go.

All right, all right. Come on, now. A little encouragement.

Right to this spot.

Folks, he'sjust a little nervous.

This isn't right.

Just blow on it, kid. All right.

Here we go.

Come on, Petey.

Play! Do something.

Special, my ass.

Come on. Give the little guy some support.

Come on, Petey. You're doing great, partner.

Come on, honey. You can do it.

Come on, Petey.

What the hell.

All right!

All right, Petey! Come on, now! Come on!

Rock and roll!


Thankyou, Tall Oaks. You're beautiful.

My name is Petey!


And I have gigantic balls!

Not now! Come back later. Go!

Hey, hey, hey. Come back here!

I wanna talk toyou! You are so sweet.

He is special.

He's my bitch.

Well, Michelle has confirmed it.

I suck. What?

I gotta get some practice.

Don't worry about it. I mean, that's whywe got the house,Jimbo.

We plop a keg on the deck and the girls come in offthe beach.

It's like a hummingbird feeder.

You think so? I know so.

Guaranteed hotties.

Fellas, nice pad.

Good view, but... the Sherminator sensors detect no female life-forms in the vicinity.

High likelihood of a sausagefest in progress.

The girls are coming. I made some calls.

The Sherminator's got a point, Kev.

Since when doyou start listening to the Sherminator?

Since he made me realize there's an abundance ofwiener here.

I mean, look around, dude. Dude?

All right, now it's your turn.

Come on. There's nothing to tell.

Hey, what's up? What areyou guys talking about?

Well, you know, we'rejust trading war stories about college-- who hooked up with who, who slept with who--

So, Vicky?

Well, there was this one guy. How 'boutyou?

You know, there was a few girls-- three.

Look atyou. You stud.

All right, Oz. Now that Kevin told us, what aboutyou?

You haven't had the slightest bit ofattraction to any girl at school?

Don'tyou fuckin' say no. I knowyou did.

Even ifI did... it wouldn't be anything more thanjust a momentary thing.

Very uninteresting.

How aboutyou,Jessica? How many chicks did you sleep with this year?

Gee, wouldn'tyou like to know.

Fuckyeah I would.

Come on, Ozzy.

Yeah, man. Ball. Pool's yours.

Hey, Vic, you wanna play? Yeah, sure. You wanna break?

What the--

Where are the fuckin' females?

Jim, can'tyou leaveyour shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

Jim, can'tyou leaveyour shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

Dude, give him a break.

Ozzy, go deep.

Yeah, bro. You playing?

No, keep going. Flank pattern.

What areyou doin'? Fishin'.

Areyou okay?

You okay? I'm so sorry. Is everybody okay?


The Force is strong in that one.


The Sherminator detects serious heat at a distance oftwo meters.

Prepare to deploy beer.

Dude, let me giveyou a valuable piece ofadvice, okay?

Drop the whole "Sherminator" thing.

Please repeat previous statement.

Look, I knowyour last name is Sherman, right?

And that rhymes with The Terminator which was a big hit movie ten years ago.

Butyou can't tell me a girl's ever really gone for it.

System overload. Hasta la vista, Jessica.


Vic, hey, you guys are leaving?

You know, we barely had a chance to hang out, you know, catch up.

What areyou doing this weekend? I can get together.

Cool. Let's hang out. All right.

Bye, Kev. Seeya,Jess.

No, no, that's all wrong.

Thankyou. Have a nice day. Good-bye.

So what does he mean, "meet up"? You know, like hang out... grab lunch, whatever.

I told you, we'rejust friends now. And he totally understands.

I'm sure he understands quite well. He does.

Oh, no, sir. These are all wrong for you. I mean, seriously.

Sure. Well, we're friends.

But it's not like I see her making plans with anyone else.

I don't see herwith a boyfriend. I think that puts me on deck.

Hey, Vicky only slept with one guy since we went out.

I mean, that like makes me 50% ofher entire guy-related life.

You dipshit.

She didn't sleep with one guy. She slept with at least three.


When a girl tells you how many guys she slept with... multiply it by three and that's the real number.

Didn'tyou fuckers learn anything at college?

He did not sleep with three girls, much like Sly and the Family Stone... aren't gonna dance in here and gang-bang me... between the afros and the bell-bottoms.

It's not gonna happen.

Kevin did not sleep with three girls. Whywould he lie to me?

It's not a lie. It's an adjustment. The rule ofthree.

It's not a lie. It's an adjustment. The rule ofthree.

The rule ofwhat? Three.

A guy tells you how many girls he's been with, it's not even close to that.

Take that number and divide it by three. Then you get the real total.

So, if Kevin's saying it's been three girls, it's more like one, or none.

None? Rule ofthree.

It's an exact science, consistent as gravity.

Ozzy, I'm happy for you.

At leastyou've seen a nice bod while Heather's offsuckin' dick.

Keepyour fantasies toyourself.

Dude, useyour fuckin' brain.

"I'm the American college chick. La, la, la.

Your European cultural shit is so charming.

Hot Spanish guy. Loveyour accent.

Loveyour ding-dong."

I'm tellin' you, right now there is a dick in your girlfriend's mouth.

Knock it off. What'd I say?

Oh, my God!

Guys, check it out. Lesbians.

Lesbians live here.

You know, Mr. Homophobic Wizard... that it is possible forwomen to hold hands and not be gay.

Friends can hold hands.

Hey, Finch, I don't wanna hear aboutyou and your boyfriends. Gojerk off.


Tantra teaches you to hold an orgasm over time... in anticipation ofan ultimate moment... to release it upon the world.

I'm filling up to the brim.

That's fucking disgusting! I'm gonna throw up.

Hey, Heather. You're in!

How's the studying going?

I'd hardly call it studying.

I've been going to the Picasso Museum, hanging out at Sagrada Familia... going with Pierre to the Parc Guell.

Who's Pierre? One ofthe guys in the program.

He's got a girlfriend back in France, so we've kind ofgot something in common.

That sounds cool.

Yeah, I've overheard them on the phone at night.

And, well, it made me think.

Hey, Oz, I'm reaching undermyshirt andI'm rubbing myself.

Oz, come on. It's phone sex. Help me out here.


I'm going over to my bed.

AndI'm lying down.

And I'm slowly... reaching downstairs.

Grab it. Tell me how big it is.

Listen, Heather, I'm feeling kind ofawkward.

Ifwe can't be with each other, then we have to learn to be more vocal.

Right? Right. Okay.

Okay, here we go. I'm reaching in my pants now.

And I'm rubbing it for you, Heather.

And it feels so good.

Yeah, me too. Oh, yeah.

I got--

Call waiting.

Oh, shit. Hello?

Wrong number.

Hey. Hello. Wrong number.

All right, look, man. I got my hand on my dick right now, okay... and I'm trying to have sex with my girlfriend over the phone.

Goodfor you, man.

Sorry about that. Where were we?

I thinkyou were reaching for something.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Heather. I'm rubbing it and it feels so good.

Hey, Oz, I'm touching myself. What else doyou want me to do?

Heather, baby.

Why don'tyou tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.

Stifler, get off!.

I am getting off just listening to the two ofyou.

Keep going. We should try this another time.

Yeah, all right. Bye. I loveyou.

I loveyou. Come on you, guys. I was almost there!

Nice talking with you, Steven. Stifler, man!


Check it out.

Potentiallesbians leaving thebuilding.

All right. Now is my chance.

I need confirmation.

Stifler. Hey, man, what areyou doing?

Go get him.

You ass. Stifler, get out.

Shit, dude! I found a dildo!

Big blue rubber dicks for everyone!

The people demand rubber dicks! Finch, help.

The people demand rubber dicks! Finch, help.

Dildo, dildo, dildo!

What areyou doing? Looking for more lesbian artifacts.

Where'd you get this? Finch's ass.

Oh, my God. Shit! Guys, they're back.

Stall 'em!

Come on. Come on!

Come on. Come on. This is awesome!

Danielle, Amber, hi.

Just needed the paper, huh?

Which room? I can't remember. I was too excited.

I'm in a lesbian stronghold. Was it in here?

Whyyou asking me so many questions? Was it in here?

Maybe. Was it orwas it not here?

Happy painting, boys.

You gotta get out ofthere. They're inside.

Shit balls.

Very original, Steven. Don't call me Steven.

I can wear that little leopard bikini ofmine.

I love that one. It's so cute on you.

Help me zip, please.

Did I showyou my cute pink shoes? Does it match your pink bikini?


Cute. Thankyou.

Shit. She's de-pantsing.

Oh, man.

Wait. They can't hear us inside? We won't cross over their radio?

No, man. These work ona CB frequency.

This girlissohot.

Two possible lesbians in their bras and panties.



Hot lesbians!

Don't touch me. I'm not.

That better not have been what I thought it was.

This is not gonna fit. Look atyou and look at me.

Too big. I'll getyou the blue stringy number.

JohnnyWest is missing.

Maybeyou kicked it under the bed.

Okay, let me look.

Wait. Didn'tyou have it when we were downstairs?


Guys, get the hell out ofthere right now.

Come on!

It's clear! Go, go, go!

They're coming back.

I'm just so glad I found him. He's my favorite collectible.

I know.

Guys, we got nothin' to worry about.

I just remembered, I got that dildo from the other bedroom.

Holy shit! There's a dildo in my drawer.

Oh, my God! You could have asked me ifyou wanted to borrow it.

Stop it.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Call 91 1 .

No 91 1 . Don't call the police.

My God, it's the painting kids. I'm still calling the cops.

Okay, no, no, no. This isn't right.

Look. Stifler did break in here. You dick!

But wejust followed him in to get him out.

I just wanted proofthatyou chicks are really lesbians.

You wanna mess with 'em?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

You guys like that?

Ozzy, stand by for confirmation.

That's a big 1 0-4 on the confirmation.

Sounds likeyour little friends outside wanna play too.

You won't be needing this.

Who wants me to touch Amber?

Ido, Ido.

Who the hell is that? Who's this?

This isJohn Smith.

I'm turning offmy radio now.

Okay. Where should I touch Amber?

Ass, baby. Feel that ass!

That's nice.

I know. You feel his ass first.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I like that. That's good. It's good.

Yeah, so I got some painting I should-- It's--

Jim, hold on. I can handle it.

What? I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

And I would love to see that show.


One finger on the cheek.

We want... palm grasping.

That's too much. No, no, no.

You don't touch, we don't touch.

Squeeze his ass, son. You'll like it. Come on, boys.

-Jesus Christ. Oh, shit.

I'm touching his ass. I'm touching his ass.

Red Leader, what's your position?

I'm touchinghis ass. I'm touchinghis ass.


We can go.

That reallywasn't bad.

I wanna go home. That's too bad.

Never mind. I'm staying.

Danielle is feeling my breasts.

No way, dude!


What a wonderful Christmas gift you bought the boys.


I think I can fix these.


Your turn.

Oh, yeah!



Dude, no.

Wait. What? Oh, yeah. You want more?

We want more. Go get him, tiger.

You're gonna love it. Do it for us.

Okay, dude.

One, two... three.

That doesn't even count. That totally counted.

That's howyou kiss your mother. Don'tyou say anything!

Make it real.

You do that... we'll do anything you want.



You better like it.

Promise. I promise.

I wouldn't lie.

Come on.

That is what I'm talking about.

Kev, you can look.

That's it.

Where's your tongue?

Good boys.

Very good. Dude, you're a fucking lousy kisser.

What? I wasn't trying!

That's not fair!

I wasn't trying there. I'm really--

I'm not-- Nojudgment.

Nope. Wait a second. You were trying?

Fuck no! You were trying!

Oh, my-- That's disg-- I kissedJim!

Silence. Silence. Silence!

Ladies. Yes?

As you were.

Here we go. Let's do it.

Them girls sound like the two transvestites we picked up in Biloxi.

Honey, come on. Food's ready. I'm not hungry!

I can't believe this. Okay,just do it.

Oh, God. It was worth it.


Keep goin'.

Okay, I think that's enough now. That's good.

I want more. Hell, yeah. I want more too, baby.

We're gonna get more physical as soon as we get some--

Handjobs. Okay!


You do him. We love to watch.

I'm sorry?

You go. We go.

Don't be a wimp.

Okay. It's okay.

I know what I have to do.

I need to keep this party goin'.

I'm takin' one for the team.

Mother ofGod!

Come on, you pussies! We had 'em!

I am not touching that. Put that thing away, Stifler.

Why can'tyou guys be team players, huh?

I was the one doin' all the sacrificin'.

And now for our devoted listeners, back to the show.

Letme try thatdildo.

Now waitjust a minute.

Stiflerwanted to give you two handjobs?

No. Stiflerwanted one from us.

What? Bullshit.

He did. And it was horrible.

Very horrible.

You guys, you wanna play some "asshole"?

Just watching the game, Kev.

I just wanna do something together.

Wejust did something together.

Very together. Ho, ho, ho.

Stifler Claus is here.

Now,just so there's no confusion...

Santa Porn hasjust brought us some heterosexual entertainment.

Hereyou go.

All right. Here.

And the Stifmeister's provided us some complimentary lubricant.

Whack away,Jim. Whack away.

Does this stuffreally make a difference?

Oh, yeah!


Stifmeister's palace oflove-- straight love.

Oh, hey. Yeah, I'm fine.

How aboutyou? That's Stifler's mom.


I didn't really thinkyou were gonna be in Michigan this summer.

Yeah, you're more than welcome to be here.

Okay, stop by in a couple ofweeks. We're having a big party.

Okay, bye.

Stifler, was that--

She's coming.

Stifler's mom is coming here.

Efforts must be doubled.

"Efforts must be doubled."


Jenny, where'd you put my clarinet?

I think I shoved it in your box. Thanks.

Bad man. I'm a bad, bad man.

Jim, what areyou doing here?

I-- Well, I thought you had said--

You can'tjust stand out here.

Look, I need your help.

Nadia's coming back... and I don't--

I don't wanna be this awkward... bumbling, nervous guywith her.

I don't wanna seem like a dork.

Well, I know that feeling.

Spend your life playing in the band... it doesn't exactly giveyou the ultra-cool hipster image.

I thinkyou're pretty cool. Seriously?

Michelle, why did you ditch me after prom?

I didn't ditch you. I just--

Our date was over.

I mean, did you want some... funky, weird, next-morning good-bye?

It's not like I wanted you to pretend you were in love with me or something.

Whywould I pretend that?

Guys do that.

Yeah, well, I'm not like other guys.

I know.

Okay, I'm gonna helpyou.


Yeah, I feel bad for saying thatyou sucked... even though you kind ofdid.

I'm just--

Let'sjust get started.

Now, I'm a hot girl. Right.

Okay, what doyou wanna do? I wanna feel your boobs.

No, you dingbat.

You don'tjust go groping away.

You don'tjust go groping away.

You gotta preheat the oven beforeyou stick in the turkey.

Kiss me, here.

Good. Okay, now... the collarbone-- kiss.


You're making me wet.

Holy shit. Really?

No, I wasjust saying that soyou could practice.


Does direction matter, like clockwise, counterclockwise?

Okay,Jim, this is what I'm talking about.

Your main problem is you're so uptight.

Do I seem uptight about my sexual stuff? No.

The biggest pointer I could giveyou is... you have to feel comfortable in any situation.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Now, this is a fucked-up situation. What happened to preheating?

We're skipping a few chapters. Oh, okay.

This is good. This is good. Obviously.

Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell. What?

You've got to control yourself and think ofsomething nonsexual.

I haven't even touched you yet, and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

I'm sorry. Yeah, nonsexual.

Right, right. Okay.

Chairs. Good.


Cleaning my bathroom.

Dung beetles. Good.

Yeah. Okay. Now, don't freak out.

I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.

Oh, that's cold! What areyou doing?

Oh, that's cold! What areyou doing?

I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Okay, I thinkyou'vejust crossed my threshold.

Call me in two weeks. I'll be home then. We can finish lessons.


Pointer-- less tongue.

What is it? A guest book? Yeah, and look at this entry.

"Best thing was the blowout at Tom Meyers' place.

There he is. A night not soon to be forgotten.

August '93." It's your brother, man. Look.

Yeah, his cottage was right down on the beach.

Guys, this is what our party's gotta be.

Something we'll always remember. Yes, definitely.


You go fish. Finch, we're playing gin.



What the fuck?


Chicago is beautiful, but it would be better ifyou were here.

I'm counting the days. Love, Nadia."

Well, I wish you were here, Nadia.

Haveyoubeen dirty? Oh, yes, baby. I'vebeen dirty.

Doyou wantme to cleanyou?

"Apply a few drops to achieve desired lubrication."

All right.

Is thataloofah, orareyoujustgladtoseeme?

What the hell.



I been missin' out.

Oh, shit!


Everybody okay? I'm fine.

I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Shut the fuck up or I'll break down this door and pummel your ass!

No, don't come in here. I'm fine. I just fell out ofthe bed.

You sure? Okay, good night, then.

'Night. We'll seeyou in the morning.

Shit! Oh, shit!

Poison control. Hello?

Yeah, I kind of...

Super Glued myself... to myself.

Don't send an ambulance.

Look, is there anything, you know, around the house?

Paint thinner.


Don't move! Staywhereyou are!

Hands where we can see 'em!

Both hands! Get the other hand up, goddamn it!

I can't! I can't! I'm glued!

I'm glued! Sorry.

Relaxyour hands.

I'll take it from here, okay?

Don't worry,Jimbo. You're gonna be fine, buddy.

Jim, this happens to the best ofus.

Left foot first. Easy does it. Good.

Watch your head. All right. Take a seat.

Excuse me, sir. Areyou a family member?

Fuck, no! This isjust too good to miss!

Okay, sir, you'rejust gonna have to wait here. All right?

This summer's turned out to be great.

Mucilage is, uh, dangerous territory... and I would think any adhesive product... would have a warning right on the tube.

I thought it was a lubricant.

I was trying to use... lubricant.

Son, couldn'tyou have left that disgusting thing at home?

Excuse me?

Well, that kind ofmaterial is offensive to me.

Oh, well, we're sorry.

But, you see, my son couldn't leave it at home... because he's having a bit ofa medical emergency.

Thanks, Dad.

Your opinion ofhis taste in video rentals, I'm afraid... is not a priority, lady.

Okay, Dad.

It's at the bottom ofthe totem pole.

Thankyou. Okay?

My son... is sitting here right now... with his hand glued to his penis!

But that doesn't mean anything toyou, does it?

Becauseyou don't have a penis!

Or maybeyou do! Dad!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

You know, itjust bugs me when people speak... before they think.

You know, ifthey speak.

Howyou doin', son? I've been better.

Boy, that doesn't look too bad,Jim.

Goodjob, Doctor.

The swelling should subside in about eight or nine days.

Eight or nine--

Beach party's in a week. Nadia's coming.

Doctor, my son has a party in seven days... and there's a young lady coming... that he's been waiting to-- he's been waiting to get with.

I'd tell your son to keep his pants on during that party.

Oh, yes. Believe me, I will be doing that. It goes without saying.

But ifhis pants... decide to come off during the party... could he have full use ofhis...



This should shave a couple ofdays off.

Oh, good.

Thankyou, Doctor.

Jim... that's good news.

This has been a good-news day, son. Here. Put this on.

Little chilly out there.

Well, here we are.

You know,Jim...

I thinkwe should keepyour mother in the dark about the incident tonight.

I think the whole glue thing might get her a little queasy.

I don't know how I get myselfinto these things.

But thanks for understanding.

You've been really cool.

I mean, between this and... you know--

You know, you may be Jimbo orJumbo... orJimbodinny to these guys in here, but...

I wantyou to know there are two people... who still rememberwhere James Emanuel Levenstein came from.

We're awful proud ofyou, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Don't forgetyour penis cream.

That was it.

Right there. That was a pure tantric moment.

The ficus, the water-- it was all erotic.

One more stimulant, I would have had full release.

Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus.

That's ajizz-free ficus.

There he is. Morning,Jimbo. How's the twig and giggleberries, man?

Oh, very colorful. My dick looks like a paint-by-numbers.

You're the only guy I know whose dick needs an instruction manual.

What, you're here now? No, that's cool.

You know, ifyou want to hang out with these guys.

Okay, then. I'll meetyou out front.

Hey, Stifler, was that-- Eat shit, Shitbreak.

She's here.

My lady has arrived.

I gotta prepare. Here we go.

Great. Stifler's mom is here? This could be a disaster.

Not unless Stifler's mom drives a moped.


Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers. Howyou doin', boys?

That's Stifler's little brother. What areyou doing here?

Pussy, man. I'm here for the pussy.

Take a number.

Gentlemen, why all the noise? Everybody knows this is my special day.

What is that? Is that a fuckin' dress?

Areyou wearing a dress? Shitbreak, meet my little brother.

Little brother, meet Shitbreak.

That's your brother? Yes.

My lady's not coming.

So my entire... stockpile is wasted... and I look ridiculous!

Excuse me.

That didn't look too good. No.

Let's go find your room. So, where are the fuckin' females?

I can't believe I finally gotyou alone.

That only took, what, six weeks?

So, areyou alone too?

Yep. Good.

I'm all alone.

Guess what I had in mind?

Hey, Marco, can you getyour balls offme?

Thanks. What the hell's going on over there?

Nothing. It'sjust my flatmates.

I guess this is kind of a lost cause, huh?

Yeah, I guess so. Seeya this weekend?

I can't wait. I can't wait either.


Surprise! Holy-- Nadia!

You're here? You're here. What areyou doing here?

Jim, I got so tired ofsightseeing.

Butyou're--you're early.

Okay. Nice to knowyou.

I will leave. No!

No. Don't-- Don't leave.

Don't leave. No leaving.

It'sjust, I'm not gonna be ready--

I mean, the partywon't be ready until Saturday.

I can stay here until then?


I'm gonna be right back. Is that okay?

Okay. Nadia.

Who's in my room. Now. Holy shit.

Allright, I'vegotaplan.

Okay. How about I come backwith you... and you say...

"Hello, this is Michelle, my girlfriend."

And obviously, Nadia won't expectyou to hop in the sack.

And then we break up the day ofthe party.

And you're all healed and back on the market.

You're evil. No way!

I'm like Cupid.

And I know how to make a girl jealous.

This is gonna be fun.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner... but wejust started seeing each other a few weeks ago.

But I'd really love it ifyou stayed here.

I thinkyou should stay and have fun at the party.

Good for you,Jim. Ofcourse I will stay.

That's great-- That's my nipples!

Shejust loves my nipples.

Oh, my God. You still broken?

Oh, my God. You still broken?

I'm fine.

I might have to actually go through with this.

What's the big deal with Nadia, anyway?

I mean, okay, so she's 50,000 times hotter... than most girls, but... come on, it'sjust sex.

You saw the thing on the Internet.

Did it look like I might have had... a slight interest in Nadia then?

Add anotheryear to that.


Hey, why don'tyou bring Nadia to the concert first? It'll be a cool date.

We'll see how things go.

Michelle, you have been great.



Come on.

You ready to break up?

You big, stupid dummy!

Theater is so cool!

I don't care ifyou are the best lay I've ever had in my life.

I hateyour guts anyway. Don't say that.

And I don't care ifyou did give me ten orgasms in a row... becauseyou smell really bad.

I smell really bad!

Because we've been having so much sex, and-- and I haven't showered, and I wanna shower!

So, don'tyou go being all super sexy guy anymore... because I am now impervious... toyour unrelenting machismo and sexual ardor.

And that includes fucking me in the ass! So there!

We had something special.

What's up? What's up, dog?

Vicki. Hey.

I'm so glad you came. You want something to drink or--

Can I helpyou?

Kevin. What?

That's my date.

You-- You saved them all.

How sweet.

You don't think I'm a dork?

Whateveryou are,Jim, it is what I like.

Kevin left. Didn't look good.

Kevin left?

Just wandered down the beach.

You okay, Kev?

Wanna tell us what's up?

Wanna feel Finch's ass?

No, I-- I went to say hi to Vicky... and she was there with a date.

You hooked up with three girls this year. You're doing fine.

Rule ofthree, Oz.

I guess I was living in the past-- wanting to partywith you guys... and be with Vicky, just like high school.

You remember that day after prom?

You know, we made a toast to the next step.

I guess I never took it.

My brother said that by the end ofthe summer I'd see the big picture.

And I see it.

No matterwhat, times change and things are different.

The problem is, I don't want them to be.

You know, Kevin, I haven't moved on either.

I've been obsessed with the one woman I can't have a real future with... other than a very kinky, extremelywarped one.

I got to find a new goddess.

It's gonna take patience, but I've been celibate all summer.

You kinda get used to it, though, huh? Areyou insane?

Look, Kev, different does not necessarily mean worse.

As a matter offact, I think things arejust getting better.

Or am I gonna have to drag your ass back to that party and prove it toyou?

I'll walk.


You know, you have beautiful eyes.

Oh, you're sweet. That's a really nice top.

Oh. Thanks. You're welcome.

Wanna fuck? Areyou serious?

Come on, baby. Give it to the Stifmeister.

I thinkyou better-- Your loss.

Wow. You know, you have beautiful eyes.

Come here, dude. Come on. You're making an ass out ofyourself.

You're ruining my mojo. And you're not the Stifmeister, okay?

It takes years to develop true Stifmeister style.

Come on, man! I just wanna see some boobs.

Hey, Pop Tart. Dream on, midget.

Excuse him. Come here. Take this. You're on cop watch.

Go out in the driveway. See any cops, call me, okay?

All right.

Gentlemen, this appears to be a party.

Guys, ifyou'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look for Nadia.

Good luck.

So what was this year like for you?

Did you miss high school?

Well, no.

When you travel as much as I do, you get used to moving on.

But I have great memories.

Wow, can we go in there? The lighthouse?

Yes, we can.

How romantic.

Jim, come on.

Oh, it's beautiful!


Jim, I have told you my memories from high school.

What areyours?


You have not changed.

Jim, relax.

We arejust, how doyou say, tooting our horns.

Actually, that is quite difficult.

What doyou mean?

Well, this one time at band camp--

Holy shit.

What? Tell me.

Well, this one time at band camp...

I got stuck playing this trombone.

And I can't play anything at all. So I totally sucked.

And everyone thought I was this Petey guy... but I didn't know what to think, so I just kept playing and playing... and I didn't know what I was doing.

It was so funny!

I gotta go. What? Why?

Please don't take this the wrong way... but, butyou're-- you're everything that I used to want.

And as much as I may really... really regret what I'm about to do... there's somebody else I want to be with.

You want the band geek?

Nadia, I am a band geek.

I just neverjoined the band.

You go getyour geek.

Someday I will find mine.

Hey, Kevin Meyers.

Hi. Sorry I was a dick before.

It's okay, man. My name's Brett.

Could you give us a sec? Sure.

Look, you don't have to do this.

Maybe I was being selfish... in wanting to beyour friend.

Maybe it'sjust not gonna work.

I would much rather haveyou as a friend than not haveyou in my life at all.

Party on!

From the lighthouse all the way-- Hey, handsome.

What areyou doing here?

I was gonna pickyou up at the airport in two hours.

I took an earlier flight, and I thought I'd surpriseyou.

Yeah, you did. Kinda weird without the phone, huh?

We'll get used to it.

Come on. I wanna hear all about it. Gonna grabyou a drink.

Steve, this cop-watch thing is horseshit.


Man, this sucks.

Whoisitout there?

It's the Stifmeister, baby.

Is thatso?

Life's a bitch, isn't it?

It's all right. You don't have to say anything.

I'm used to girls ignoring me.

Or making fun ofme.

"Come on, Sherman. Be the Sherminator."

Like the movie. How clever.

I get it, okay?

Maybe I am a geek.


Yes! Yes, you are!

All right.

I am the Sherminator.

A sophisticated sex robot sent back through time... to change the future for one lucky lady.

I am lucky lady?

That's right, Nadia. You've been targeted for Shermination.

Come with me ifyou want to live.



Fuck me, geek! Affirmative!

No fuckin' way!

Forget it. Likeyou have a chance.

Cheers, bud.

Hey, Steve, lookwhat I found.

Dude, don't touch the shirt. -Just look.

Hi. Hey, there.

Brilliant. You found lesbians.

Good luck trying to break through that force field.

Lesbians? We never said that.

What? We never said that.

Oh, man.

I will do anything-- anything-- to sleep with you chicks.

Okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room.

I'll caress it, even. I'll shave some ass ifthey need it.

Oh, yeah. You heard me.

It's true. I'll kiss everybody here. Dudes, chicks, everybody.

Because I am comfortable with my sexuality.

Oh, yeah.

At least have a drink with the Stifmeister.

All right. That's fair.

All right.

You truly are a Stifmeister.

Welcome back to the party. Steve, those are my lesbians.

Ladies, I am down with the funky shit. Like what?

One time at this party, I was drinking champagne--

Thankyou. Thankyou.

Our next soloist will be Michelle Flaherty.


This kid is killing me.

You suck, retard. I'm not retarded.

You suck, retard. I'm not retarded.

I'm a very special boy.

How's this for a band camp story?

Come on, guys. Let's hear it for Petey!

That untalented bastard!

Good for them. It's awesome.

Wanna dance? Yeah.

We'll be back. Come on now, baby.

You know, there's only one word for that party.

You know, there's only one word for that party.

Bitchin'. Out ofcontrol.

Am I gonna have a hangover? 'Cause I want one.

Am I gonna have a hangover? 'Cause I want one.


Good-bye. Seeya.

Let's go to our page. We have to write about this party.

This partywas crazy! Look at my date! He's passed out!

You drank him under the table. He couldn't hack it.

Best summer ever, huh, fellas? Absolutely.

Sorry things didn't work out for you. You kiddin'? Things are great.

I have all the time in the world.

So, are we gonna do this every summer?

Hell, yeah, we are. Ofcourse we are, gentlemen.

Well, we're gonna try.

That's a sweet car. It is sweet.

Stifler's mom. Hey, Finchy.

How did you know I was here?

I called a couple ofweeks ago.

Didn't Steven tell you that I was gonna drop by sometime?

I guess it slipped his mind.

What's your name?


Okay, well...

I've been thinking, and, you know, I'm 1 9 years old.

There's a whole world out there. I can't be obsessed with one woman.

-Just can't be. I'm glad you're learning, Finchy.

Good. Good.

You want to get it on? You better clearyour schedule.

Seeyou guys later.

Where areyou goin', man? What about Dog Years?

Give me, like, three days.

Wait, was that-- Was that who I think--

I think it was. I think so too.

Son ofa--

Who the hell was that?

That was--

That was-- Someone was lost.

Lookin' for the lake. Yeah, all turned around.

What a dumb ass. The lake's right there.

Incredible. How does Finch get so lucky?

What areyou worried about? You got a girlfriend now.

Everything in. Let's go. Pony up. Dog Years awaits.

Everything in. Let's go. Pony up. Dog Years awaits.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.

I have a girlfriend now. Yeah, you do.

She's my girlfriend. All right,Jimbo.

Let's go! Let's go!

Where's Shitbreak? The movies.

Took the bus. Coffee.

Wait a second.

Who the fuckwas in that car?

Oh, Finchy, I missed you.

Oh, Finchy, I missed you.

Yeah. Oh,Jeanine.Jeanine.

Call me Stifler's mom.

Oh, Stifler's mom!