American Pie Presents: Beta House (2007) Script

[ Man ] *Early in the mornin'

*Before I clear my mind

*I grab a funky glass and I drink a cup of wine *

*Then I turn my music box to the latest news of love *

*Let the music set me groovin' *

*I've got to groove groove, groove *

*To the music

*Feel it

*I've got to groove groove, groove *

*To the music

[ Man ] Man! Would you look at all the hot tail runnin' around this place?

Look. Look. [ Groans ]

Dad, can you just please, please don't embarrass me today, okay?

Embarrass you?

Son, you spent the entire summer depressed... because your girlfriend ran off with that pretty boy Trent.

Now you've gotta get out there and crush some ass.

That's the only way you're gonna get your mind off her. Yes. Yes.

That is what I'm talkin' about. Yes.

"Crush some ass"? Aw, come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'll show you how it's done. No, no, no.

Shh, shh, shh. Watch this. Just watch and learn. Please drive--

Excuse me. Uh, ladies? Hi.

Hi. This is my son Erik.

Hi. Mmm.

And, uh-- [ Clears Throat ]

He's moving in today, and we were just wondering... if maybe either of you were interested in showing him a good time.

[ Laughs ] No, thanks.

Oh! [ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]

He's a stallion-- [ Groans ]

Just like his old man. No, Dad, come on.

Well, I tried, huh? Yeah, thanks. Now I'm gonna have to transfer.

[ Chattering ]

Son. Son. Yeah?

I wanna show you something.

This is the list of all the chicks I ever banged.

Are you serious? Is that two-sided? It is. Nice.

Yeah, it's a good goal for you to try to keep up with your old man.

Hey, Dad, why isn't Mom's name the last name on the list?

There? Uh, we didn't tell you, but when you were three, we had a trial separation for a week. Trial sep--

Uh, Dad, there's, like--

Well, there's 10 names here for that week alone.

Yeah, I went on kind of a poontang bender there. Is that my mom's name?

Yeah, you know, on second thought I'll just kind of hang onto that.

Come on, guys, let's get loaded here.

Cooze, grab a box.

You had sex with his mom? Yeah.

How was it? Yuck.

[ Chattering ]

Wow. This place is amazing.

Hi. God, there are girls everywhere.

Uh-- This is my room. It still kind of sucks we're not rooming together.

Dude, whatever. You're gonna be right down the hall.

Besides, I got a single.

Hold onto this. I'm gonna find a bathroom.

All right. I'll be right back.

Oh, my God. Hi. How ya doin'? Mike Coozeman. Glad to meet you.

My God.

Wow! This is gonna take some getting used to. Huh.

Yeah, um, isn't-- Isn't this the guys' bathroom?

No, it's coed. All the dorms are like this.

Cool. Coed. Yeah.

Don't worry. I won't peek.

Yeah, I won't peek, uh-- I won't peek either.

I'm Ashley. What's your name?

I'm Erik. Hmm.

-Well, it's nice to meet you, Erik. Nice to meet you too.

Hey, do you think you could pass me my shampoo?

It's just right there.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Just gimme a-- a minute here, okay? Thanks.

-Erik? [ Chuckles ]

Erik? A little help here?

[ Groans ] [ Squeaking ]

[ Man ] Ride the white whale, baby. Ride the white whale.

Oh, my God. Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. The door was open. You must be Erik. I'm Bobby.

Hi. Hey, hey.

Come on in, man. No, no, no.

It's-- You guys are busy. I can come back later.

This is your place too. Don't worry about Margie. She's not exactly shy.

No, she's not. Sit down. You want a beer?

Uh, no. You sure?

Yeah. Are you hungry? Margie cooked up some mean bratwurst.

No, I just had a sandwich. Thanks.

Where you from? East Great Falls.

East Great Falls. [ Moaning ]

Slow down, sassy pants.

All right, baby, I'm trying to have a conversation.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

College! Yeah. Best years of our lives.

Yeah. Put it up.

Oh, high-- High five. [ Chuckles ]

You wanna jump in on this? No.

Come on. Margie loves it. -No, no, no, Margie.

No. No, no, no. I'm good. Look, uh--

It was very nice to meet you, Bobby and Margie.

Actually, I just came to change my pants.

I spilled a drink on it earlier.

[ Gagging ] [ Chuckles ] Are you role-playing again?

Say the safe word, baby. Say the safe-- Baby?

Are you choking? Dude, I-I think she's choking.

What? -I think she's choking. You gotta do something.

-Do something. -I can't. I'm tied up and basted like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Hold on. I'll find the spot. Come on.

Oh. Breathe!

What do you want me to do with all this-- Oh! Erik, no.

[ Groaning ] All right, Son!

Yeah. That's what being a Stifler's all about.

No, no. She was choking. That's it.

That's how Stiflers do college.

Now, let's just give these kids some privacy.

Doin' good. Keep it up.

I'm not trying to freak you out, roomie, but I just totally came.

[ Chattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man ] *A lollipop And I won't stop *

*Gonna lick that sweetness

* [ Continues ]

[ Beeping ]

Hey, ladies. Is this where, uh--

[ Beeping ]

Laura Johnson and Sara Coleman live?

Yeah. I'm Laura Johnson, and this is my roommate Sara.

My name is Dwight Stifler. I'm here with the freshman welcoming committee.

I've been given instructions to escort you ladies on a guided tour of the campus.

That's so sweet. Yeah.

Should we wear anything special?

* [ Pop ]

Dude, there is no way that everybody in this is a student here.

I'm, like, look-- He's holding her boob. [ Laughs ]

-He is. No, man, they are.

I've had a subscription for, like, a year.

[ Sniffs ] Oh, that'll be good.

[ Laughs ] That's not cologne, man.

I've used that exact issue more times than I could count.

[ Sniffs ] You smell pretty.

[ Laughs ] Mmm.

Ow! [ Knocking ] Sorry.

That was so uncalled for.


Is this Erik Stifler's room?


Welcome to college, boys.

Yeah, no. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm dead serious.

Most sororities won't even give you a bid unless you've had a threesome.

It shows that you work well within the group dynamic, that you're really prepared for sisterhood.

You know what I'm sayin'? Really?

Yeah. Oh, man, who is this guy?

Dude, he's the reason we came to college here.

* [ Pop ] [ Laughing, Chattering ]

Here we are, boys. -[ Erik ] Oh, man, she's hot.

You like that? That was awesome.

I like to give a little bit back every now and then.

Hey, hey, shower buddy. Oh, hey. Hi.

-Shower buddy? -Yeah. Erik and I met when I was showering this afternoon.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, right, the coed bathrooms. Yeah.

It took me about three years to get the board of trustees to approve that one.

Worth it. Oh, Ashley, Hi. This-- Everyone, this is Ashley.

-Ashley, this is everyone. -[ Ashley ] Hi, everybody.

This is my roommate Denise. She just came here from Georgia. Hey, y'all.

Oh, well, I do declare. A real-life Scarlett O'Hara.

Oh, my. You guys aren't taking off, are you?

Yeah, we're going to this cocktail mixer at the Epsilon Sigma Kappa house.

Uh, no. No, no, no. The geek house? No. Trust me.

I wanna stay, but-- [ Ashley ] But we promised, so--

Plus, Ashley thinks this party is a little bit déclassé.

What, like sleazy?

Hey, how you doin', sweetheart? Grab a beer.

No, you've got the wrong idea about this whole thing.

This is just a little meet-and-greet that I set up... to sort of, you know, demonstrate our school spirit, and our, you know, dedication to this university.

Beta house fuckin' rules!

[ Crowd Cheers ]

[ Yelling ] -[ Laughter ]

Yeah! Real classy.

Hmm. Erik, it was really nice to see you again. Yeah.

Guys. Yeah, see ya.

-Bye. Nice to meet you. See ya.

Hey, Stifler, what's up with this geek house?

-Yeah, I never even heard of it. -I know a geek house sounds harmless, but they are a nightmare.

[ Dwight Narrating ] They were a social club for decades, until a group of rich geeks came in and threw some money around, built the house and got a new charter.

[ Erik ] A geek fraternity? [ Dwight ] To get in you need, like, perfect S.A.T. scores.

Patch that two million to my Swiss account.

[ Dwight ] Then they check your family tree... and calculate future earnings potential.

No, I said buy at 60, not sell at 60. You're fucking fired!

[ Dwight ] They got billionaire alumni, Hey, it's only 100 grand.

They run the student government, and the faculty loves 'em.

But, uh, don't even get me started on the women.

They attract the hottest women from the entire school.

[ Erik ] Who wants to hang out with a house full of geeks?

[ Dwight ] It's a new world out there.

These women realize that the geeks... are gonna be the millionaires right out of school.

They've just adjusted their nesting habits.

Hey, don't sweat it. Beta's still where the party's at, right?

Oh! Look out. Stifler--

The judging's about to begin. All right.


* [ Dance ] [ Crowd Roaring ]

Aw, the Beta house never disappoints.

Are you serious? It's always like this? All the time.

-These girls are ridiculous! Ridiculous!

Get the clip board.


Sweetie, you are naughty. I am keeping you after class.

Bring that ruler. I have also been bad.

And this one over here has got great abs.

They look like fresh buttered rolls right out of the oven.

Great! This is the best idea I've ever had!

This is a chicken scratch. You're a caveman.


[ Crowd Cheering ]

She's pullin' 'em out. She's pullin' 'em out!

[ Together ] Perfect tits!

Whoo! Whoo!

Beta! Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, depravity is haunting this university.

Sex, alcohol, vulgarity, stupidity.

Once this was a respected institution of higher learning.

We are declaring a new age at this university--

An age in which a student's worth is no longer measured by his blood alcohol level, but rather, his G.P.A.

We formed this fraternity to change the way... geeks are thought of in this country.

But, as history has proven, for a new civilization to emerge, another must crumble. [ Blows ]

We must destroy the Betas.

* [ Dance ] [ Chattering ]

Hey, Stacy.

My hands are wet. I can't get this beer open. Will you do it for me?

[ Cheering ]

Thanks. Those Kegel muscle exercises are really payin' off, huh?

So what do we have to do to become Betas?

Uh, well, obviously you guys are cool with me.

What you need to do is impress the rush chair, Wesley. Have you guys met Wesley?

[ Both ] Uh-huh. You haven't? All right.

He's in the other room. Come on. I'll introduce you. Follow me.

* [ Piano:Fu%r Elise]

Don't be fooled by his appearance.

His nickname is the Blackout Menace.

He's a perfect student except for his habit of getting belligerently drunk, blacking out, causing complete and total mayhem, and never remembering a thing.

[ Jet Engines Whining ]

[ Bell Dings ]

Uh, excuse me.

Where is this plane going to? Detroit.

[ Exhales ]

[ Laughing ] Thank God.

Uh, excuse me. Where is it coming from?

Bangkok. [ Muttering ]

Whose kid is that? Yours.

You adopted him yesterday. Congratulations.

Hey, buddy.

Are you serious?

Yep. Just dropped Sung Lee off at their embassy this last week.

Kid nearly caused an international incident.


Sorry to interrupt.

Wesley, this is my cousin and his buddies. Hi.

Uh, Erik, right? Yeah.

Mike Coozeman. How come we didn't see you last year?

I was in a Mexican jail. I had to tunnel my way out, but I made it back in time for finals, which is what we're all about here at Beta-- education.

Right. You wanna dance?

Yep. Mm-hmm.

Let's get sexy.

[ Whistling ] Hey.

You ready? There's 100 hot, horny chicks here tonight.

Countin' on you.

* [ Hip-hop ]

[ Man ] *When it's time for underground flavor *

*Hip-hop make you change your behavior *

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

Get some, baby. Get some.

* [ Jazz ]

*Call me irresponsible

*Call me unreliable

*Throw in undependable too You've gotta be kidding.

[ Pounds On Keyboard ] Are you gonna start drinking?

Because I desperately need a wingman.

I'm not drinking tonight, Bull. I had a rough night last week.

Oh, really?

Really? That's fine.

Because then I just might have to tell these fine young ladies... about a certain frat boy and a...

Mexican transvestite. All right, all right, all right.

[ Girls Murmuring ] One drink.

Yeah. Just one. [ Sniffs ]

* [ Pop ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Hey. What the hell's with you, man?

Can you not see all this prime ass a foot from your face?

Yeah, man, I see it. It's-- It's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's cool. You should be tearin' it up.

You guys, it's just-- Remember last year we came up here?

I had the time of my life. I did stuff I never would have dreamed I would have ever done.

I kind of figured it would change me.

Yes, okay. So you got drunk and you ran naked, right?

But you blew it with a really hot sorority chick... to run home and have sex with your little girlfriend.

That might have won you points in high school, but this isn't high school.

No. I guess you guys are right.

College is your one chance to start over. You get to hit the reset button on life.

You can be anybody you wanna be.

I never thought of it like that before.

Yeah. Here. Slug that.

Attaboy. Julie, this is my cousin Erik. [ Woman ] Hi, Erik.

I just wanted you to know, Erik voted for you in the hottie contest, and since he's, like, the ladies' man of the family, I totally trust his taste. Thanks, cutie.

You wanna dance, gorgeous? I'd love to.

Anybody you wanna be. [ Mouthing Words ]

[ Man ] *Groove, groove, groove

*To the music

*Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

*To the music Wow. you can really put that away.

Kiddin' me? This stuff is like water to me.

*To the music--

* [ Ends ] [ Crowd Clamoring ]

Hey, hey. Everybody settle down for a second.

We're just having a little minor technical glitch.

No big deal. We'll get everything fixed up in a minute.

[ Man Laughs ]

I don't think so, Stifler.

You see, you overloaded your prehistoric circuits.

I'm afraid your music won't be coming on... for the rest of the night. Don't-Don't listen to him.

We'll get everything fixed in a minute. That won't matter.

Because by Jake's calculations, based on the amount of kegs and liquor you bought, you should be running out just about... now.

Bullshit. [ Sobbing ] The fucking kegs are dry.

[ Crowd Clamoring ] We're out of fucking booze!

Aah! [ Groaning ]

Settle down. It's fine. We'll make a beer run. They could do that.

Or you can all come to the geek house, where we have enough liquor to last a week, along with... all the champagne you can drink.

We also have a heated pool, and enough swimsuits for everyone.

That is, if you even want to wear one.

[ Cheering ] [ Screams ]

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's your choice, people. Stay here and get puked on--

Okay, I'm out of here. I'm so sorry.

Or come party V.I.P. style.

[ Cheering ]

* [ Rock ]

Fuckin' Edgar. [ Growls ]

Prick really knows how to throw that money around, huh?

Oh, yeah. Probably doesn't help that numb nuts here... barfed all over the chicks, either.

I'm sorry about that.

You look disgusting. -[ Groaning ]

Cryin' out loud, man. I'll clean it up.

[ Groaning ]

Not again.

Mmm. Mornin', sexy.

Some party, huh?

Hey, baby. How you doin'?

No. No, no, no.

* [ Man Singing In Spanish ]

How you feelin' there, Cuz?

A lot better. Thanks.

No need for thanks. We're family. Right now I gotta run.

I gotta go down to the basement, take care of some official Beta business.

Have some of Peaches' eggs. Okay.

All right. Thanks, Peaches. Adios, guapo.

[ Dwight ] Oh, buddy.

[ Laughs ] [ Man ] Whoo!

I love this place. Attaboy.

Off the hook. So, uh-- So, guys.

The hard-on champ is in? Yeah.

Aye, aye. Yeah.

* [ Dance ] [ Dwight ] Yeah. I love this guy.

Beta! I love Beta! [ Laughter ]

[ Man ] He had the best rack at the party.

Fuckin' love Beta, man!

[ Laughter ] Shut up. Shut up.

Everyone calm down. I told you I didn't want to drink.

Look how the pig squeals. Look how the pig squeals.

All in favor of Bobby Coolidge.

Man, oh, yeah. He's in.

[ Dwight ] All right, all right.

[ Man ] Oh! [ Man #2 ] Jesus, man.

Whoo! [ Wesley ] This guy really knows how to work a room.

Give him a bid. He'll be a pussy magnet, buddy.

Yeah! [ Laughs ]

[ Screams ] [ Man, Laughing ] Oh, no.

[ Dwight ] All right, that's my cousin. Take it easy.

No offense, brother, okay?

But I don't know if your cousin is up for the challenge, man.

I'm with Bull on this one.

I mean, he's a nice kid, but he passed up sleeping with Brandy, man.

All right, all right, all right.

Look, I know Erik missed his big chance to, like, sleep with the one girl... that I'm assuming everybody would lop off your left nut to bang.

Am I right? [ Bull ] Two nuts.

All right, does that mean he's not Beta material? -[ Betas ] Yes!

He was young and dumb and in love. He's a-- He's a late bloomer.

I think he's gonna surprise you this semester.

And anyway, he's a legacy, so he's automatically gettin' a bid, so you can all fuck off.

Aye? Yeah. Aye, aye.

[ Dwight ] Yeah, that's what I thought, bitches.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

Hey, you. Hi.

We have to stop meeting like this. [ Chuckling ] Yeah.

Are you okay? Yeah. I just had a really rough night.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

You know, I think Denise has a crush on your friend Cooze.

She thinks he's sweet. [ Laughs ]

Denise thinks Cooze is sweet. Uh-huh. Yeah.


Wait. Ashley-- Erik, I--

-I've been thinking-- I'm just thinking. Do--

Do you wanna go out with me once? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. That would be really nice.

Okay. Keep, uh-- You have really pretty teeth, by the way.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Alarm Bell Ringing ]

-[ Ringing Continues ] [ Clamoring ]

What's goin' on? Oh, man. This sucks.

Hey, guys, don't go that way. This way is quicker.

[ Yawns ] I was just dreamin' about this great sandwich.

[ Groaning ]

[ Groans ] Wait a second. Where are we?

I don't see any sandwiches here.

Hey, guys. You wanna see something?

[ Gasps ] -[ Cooze ] Yes.

That is-- [ Sizzling ] [ All Groan ]

Gentlemen, today is the first day of the rest of your lives.

You are the select few who have been chosen to pledge the Beta house.

Beta, baby!

Now, most fraternities do the pledging thing... a little bit differently than we do.

Most pledging consists of... hate-filled mental and physical hazing designed to break you down.

But here at Beta, I, Dwight Stifler, your pledge master, have devised an elaborate scientific plan... to build teamwork and brotherhood.

Gentlemen, I give you... your pledge board.

[ Murmuring ]

It's huge. -On this pledge board are 50 tasks... that you and your pledge brothers must complete... by semester's end if you wanna become Betas.

To start things off, I say we begin with my personal favorite-- Number 37.

[ Man ] *Put your hands up like

*Do it how you do it when you *

*Uh, uh, uh, yeah

*Put your hands up here Put 'em, put 'em high-- *

Okay, so here's the lowdown.

One of you has got to get you ass signed by a stripper, with photo proof.

All right?

All right, we're gonna go get a drink. Wesley?

Don'tbother us.

Okay, who's gonna try and do this? -* [ Continues ]

Oh, you guys, Igotthis.

Who's got a pen? Ah. That'll do.

Hey, baby, how's about signin' my ass while I'm up here?

Whoa! [ Clamoring ]

She got Cooze! We gotta help him. Bobby.

[ Groans ] Ooh! Down goes fatty.

Stripper brawl!

* [ Hard Rock ]

Ooh! Cousin got clothes-lined. That's a shame.

[ Grunts ]

That's gonna leave a big bruise.

Those girls are wild tonight.

I used to fuck girls like you in prison.

[ Groans ]

Oh, I love a good stripper brawl.

Who doesn't?

-[ Cooze ] She started it. Here's your fuckin' shoe!

What? I didn't do anything. You charged that stripper with a pen, like you were gonna shove it in her ass.

If her panties had smelled like waffles you'd have done something about it.

Guys, shut up. Shut up. [ Chattering ]

Fat idiot. Ow!

There you go. See? Bad things happen to-- Hey there, gorgeous.

You work here? Yeah, sweetie.

You see, we're pledging the Beta house right now, and one of our tasks is to get our ass signed... by a strip-- professional dancer... like yourself.

So I was just, you know, wondering if maybe you'd do me the honor.

That's a different approach than the boys usually take in this place.

Bend over.

Thanks. My name's Erik Stifler, by the way.

Can I get a shot for the yearbook?

[ Chuckles ] [ Camera Beeps ]

-[ Bobby ] Nice smile. You any relation to Dwight Stifler?

He's my cousin. Hey, Stifler.

Candy, how are you, sweetheart? Good to see you.

I can see where he gets his charm from.

You come see me soon, okay? You know I will.

All right, boys. Hey, congratulations. Task 37 in the bag.

Good job, boys. That's our first task completed.

I think that stripper's implant broke my face.

Task 15 is go. [ Honking ]

Steal an ostrich. Have sex in the dean's office.

-Serenade a woman at the 901. Drink a gallon of milk without pissing.

Do a traditional dance at the International Club. Open an illegal casino.

Drive down to Mexico and get a tattoo.

Get so drunk you piss your pants.

* [ Classical ]

Sweet Caesar's ghost. [ Honks ]

[ Honking ] [ Screaming ]

Fifteen-- check. Check.

Sixteen-- check.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]


Hmm! [ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Who's that guy? He's my Swahili instructor.

I have my proficiency exam next week.

Nice. Yeah.

Hey, what's-- What's this golden hammer doing in here?

Uh, it's from the Greek Olympiad.

It was, like, a series of competitions... involving skill and deviant behavior.

They got really out of hand, so the university banned them for life.

The Betas were legendary at 'em though. We never lost.

Cool. Yeah.

Oh, and remember, Erik--

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Hmm? Yeah. Yeah.

[ Sniffs ]


* [ Rock ]

[ Erik ] This place is swell, isn't it? [ Ashley ] Yeah.

Look how juicy. Sucking the crab.

Wow. This place is fun.

Yeah. Yeah, this place is awesome.

I thought you'd like it here, you know?

I like this mallet. [ Groans ]

[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Mmm. Here.

It's all right. Doesn't really taste that bad.

[ Laughing ] Dude, I'm telling you--

This chick can't get enough of me.

I did her again last night.

I can't believe that. You're the man.

I think I know that girl.

You know, not all frat guys are like those guys. I know.

I guess I just have a jaded opinion.

Really? Why's that?

It's just the typical story.

Boy meets girl. Boy goes off to college, joins a frat.

Starts sleeping with every girl he can.

Girl finds out and dumps his ass during winter break.

Ooh. But that was high school. I'm much older and wiser now.

Right. Older and wiser, and... you're on a date with a guy who's pledging a frat.

I know. And I'm watching you.

Dine and ditch. Yeah.

[ Erik ] Yeah, it's one of my favorite--

Ow! Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Ooh, it's hot. A little help here.

* [ Soft Rock ]

You are just the sweetest.

You just bring it out in me, babe.

[ Man ] *I was captured the moment we met *

Perfect. Yeah?

Um-- Careful.

My feet are real sensitive. Really?


*By the way Just in case you care *

-*I took a dive in your deep blue eyes * Oh, my.

*Never comin' up for air I love foot massages. -*I lost myself

* [ Continues ] [ Moans ]

Oh, my. Oh, my.

*One sweet kiss took away my breath *

*And you drew me in with your tenderness *

* [ Continues ] Um, I can't.

I'm sorry.

No, that's cool. It's totally fine. Really.


Let me just take care of you.


[ Laughs ] Whoo.

*Whenever I feel your touch

*Whenever I'm with you You like that? God, yeah.

You do that almost as good as I do.

* [ Woman Singing Ballad ]

How you feelin'?

Hi. Good. Thanks.

Here. Let me see. Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

Ashley, you really don't need to do anything. Oh, my God, Erik.

You have to put something on that. No, it's a little red--

Here. Let me.

It's really not necessary.

[ Inhales ] Ooh.

Does it hurt?

No. It's just really cold.

Does that feel better?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Wow. [ Laughs ]

Oh, man. I didn't even touch it.

No, it's no big deal. I guess I should just take it as a compliment, right?

I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's cool.

Wow. That cream feels good.

Ash, you might want to-- Just relax.

It's still hot.

[ Moaning ] God.

[ Moans ]

[ Moans ]

Oh, my God! Mr. Biggles!

This is really, really embarrassing. No, it's okay. It's okay.

I just haven't seen anything like that.

Well, I was a virgin until last year, and then my girlfriend dumped me about four months ago.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

Are you telling me that you haven't--

In four months?

Well, you see, there was this, uh, incident that made masturbation very "taboo"--

[ Laughs ] in my household.

Well, you have more self-control than most people.

I'm really sorry about Mr. Biggles.



Um-- Here's--

No. It's-- Right.

[ Bull ] Oh, baby, I love you.

Baby, why won't you tell me you love me too? Bull, have you seen Stifler?

Uh, he's in a meeting. What meeting would he be at?

I don't know. Something important.

And it was after my parents--

Well, they had to fire the fourth landscaping crew-- um-- because they caught me with them, and that's when I knew... that I had a problem.

But I have been sex-free for two years now, and, you know, never felt better.

Whoo. [ Laughs ]

You are so brave.

Get it in there! Yeah! * [ Rap ]

Faster. Faster. I'm goin' as fast as I can.

Faster, bad boy. [ Laughs ]

Oh, my God. Faster, I said.

Oh! I think I'm gonna--

You're gonna break it. Ooh! Yes! Yes!

Ooh, God, yes.

[ Giggles ] Oh!

Oh, boy. Whoo!

[ Moaning, Giggling ]

Call yourself a man?

Get back here and fuck me. [ Giggles ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, okay. Okay. All right, listen.

I just did three times. Okay, I'm gonna go get an ice pack, and then I'll be right back.

You know a secret?

Ice packs are for pussies.

[ Both Laugh ]

Oh, your friend-- He wants to come play.

I wanna see you again. [ Growls ]

[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah.

[ Growling ] [ Laughing ]

You're bad. I'm a grizzly bear.

I'm gonna steal a picnic basket full of orgasms.

[ Growls ] Okay, lay your head back. Lay your head back.

[ Giggling ] Ready? You ready for it? Oh, it's coming.

All right, hands and feet inside the tram.

Next stop: Penetration Station, baby.

Hey! Get back here!

Stifler, I forgot to tell you-- Whoa.

Get your ass... over here, punk. Okay.

Oh! [ Screams ]

[ Paper Tearing ]

Dude, on her teddy bear? Really?

Dude, he hasn't busted a nut in, like, four months.

What do you think I should do? Man, you gotta beat the bishop.

Yeah, you need to punch that clown-- a lot.

What are you talkin' about?

You need to masturbate, dude. A lot. A lot.

So next time you won't blow your load when you're rounding first base.


*Oh, I can't wait till the sun goes down *

*You and me No one else around *

*Turn the lights down low Just gotta clean the pipes.

*I'm gonna love you all night long *

[ Chorus ] *Gonna love you

*Gonna love you all night long *

*Gonna love you

*Gonna love you all night long *

[ Knocking ]

Who is it? Hey, it's Ashley.

We were gonna hang out, remember? Ye--

Yeah. Yeah, I remember.

I-- I lost track of time, Ashley. I'll be right there.

Are you okay in there? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Um--

Just gimme one second, okay? Erik, are you naked?

I'm just putting on my T-shirt right now.

Uh-- There it is.

Hi. Hi.

Can I come in? Uh, no. Uh--

The place is actually a mess. Bobby's disgusting.

Oh, yeah. But I know a cool place we can go.


[ Door Closes ]

* [ Woman Singing Pop ]

Yeah. All right.

Right hand, yellow.

Ooh. I love this game.

Don't you fall, or you're losin' those boxers.

[ Laughs ] Oh, really?

[ Groans ] Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. Ow.

Hi. Hi.


I'm sorry.

What-- Are you-- Are you a virgin or something? Or--

No. [ Exhales ]

It's just, when I--

When I get too excited--

Oh, it's embarrassing.


Let me just take care of you again.


[ Laughing ] Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Cheers. Cheers.

Mmm. Mmm. [ Laughs ]

[ Man ] *Something in your eyes Let me get that for you--

*Makes me realize A little spillage. No big deal.

[ Man ] *The stars always shine brighter *

*When you're near

[ Gasps ] It's not gonna go off again, is it?

Absolutely not. I've been practicing my self-control-- a lot.

A lot? A lot.

*Is all I need

*You're my everything

*You're all I've been waiting for *

* [ Continues ]

*You're my everything [ Giggles ]

[ Clears Throat ] Come on.

Just how much have you been working on your self-control?

I'm really sorry. It's--

It's not working. [ Laughs ]

My stupid friends-- They said that if I would--

Erik, it-- It's okay. It happens.


[ Helicopters Overhead ]

All right, boys. We got a live one here.

Two klicks north. Three klicks east.

All right. Three klicks east.

[ Dwight ] Let's blast her-- The big, giant ones.

Fire in the hole.


Oh, my God. [ Laughing ]

[ Inhaling ] Ahh.

I love the smell of boobies in the morning.

Hey, so how's it goin' with Denise? Mmm.

Well, okay, so we hooked up, and... she gave me a couple hand jobs. [ Laughing ] Hand jobs?

They're actually the best hand jobs I've ever had in my life.

Oh, really? Shut up.

The only problem is, I tried to stick my hand down her pants--

She pulls my hands away... and says she's embarrassed. Uh-oh.

Maybe she has an abnormally large bush.

Yeah, or maybe she's got a yeast infection. Ooh. Ugh. Come on.

Maybe she's got a dick. Huh?

What?Crying Game, Boys Don't Cry?

That's based on true stories, boys. No.

No. There's no way. Hey, man, maybe she's a hermaphrodite.

Transvestite? Little Shanghai surprise?

You said yourself she gives you the best hand jobs you ever had in your whole life.

Yeah. So? So how do you think she got so good at it?

Probably from workin' her own gear. [ Laughing ]

So you guys think I might have been hooking up with a dude this whole time?

Maybe. There's only one way to find out.

You gotta get into those pants.

Oh, wait. This is too perfect. Load it up. Load it up right now.

[ All Laughing ]

[ Dwight ] Sorry!

-Whoo! Yeah! [ All Laughing ]

* [ Man Singing Ballad ]

[ Moans ]

I want you to go down on me, Cooze.

Are you sure? Uh-huh.

'Cause I can wait. No. I want you down there now.


That's it, Cooze.

[ Muttering ]

That's it, Cooze.

Suck my cock!

She's got a dick! Hey, are you okay?

Oh, my God. I just had the worst nightmare.

What was it about?

And who's got a dick? I do.

[ Screaming ]

Oh, my God.

I can't take this anymore. [ Sighs ]

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

Hello? [ Ashley ] I thought you were gonna call me.

Oh, hey. Uh, yeah. I-- I fell asleep.

I'm sorry. [ Knock On Door ]

Were you dreaming about me?


Hey, can you hold on for one sec?

'Cause this... isn't a dream.

Oh, God. That's not mine. That's Bobby's.

Uh, that's not mine.

[ Chuckles ]

Whoo! Guys! What the hell are you doing?

Number 33, baby. We got a chance to do Number 33, but we gotta go now.

Half-naked girl here. Sorry, Ashley.

Dude, the manager just called. He's got an opening.

We haven't even rehearsed for that bit yet.

It's our only chance, man. [ Whispers ] Do it.


Ashley, it is Number 33.

Maybe... we could finish later, or something?

It's cool.

Really? Mm-hmm. I'm coming with you.

We rocked that place.

[ Screaming ]

Number 46: Sex in the stacks. Chalk it up.

*I just put on my night face *

Number 26: Receive a golden shower.

Twenty-seven: Perform a Cleveland steamer. Check.

Get a panda in the grotto.

Thirty: Get a "blumpkin." After corned beef. It was disgusting.

-All right. Yeah. Yeah.

By the power granted to me by the great country of Canada, I now pronounce you life partners. [ Cheering ]

Would you like to seal it with a kiss? [ Chuckling ]

Number 41: Make it official.

[ Chuckles ] 'Cause I'm a gentleman.

Wow. You boys are such an inspiration.

I think it's time we do a little mid-semester celebrating. What do you think?

Yes. Definitely.

* [ Hip-hop ]

*Let me get to work, baby I don't wanna waste time *

*I've been known to flirt Every time I go I face time See whatever works *

Stifler. I'm afraid I gotta see everyone's I.D.'s.

What? -Come on, Manni. You're joking, right?

I'm afraid not. You see, the new ownership of this establishment... doesn't condone underage drinking.

Officers, please escort these minors from the premises.

-Can I touch your gun? All right, okay. -[ Edgar ] Bye-bye.

You're fuckin' with traditions, Edgar.

I'm not just fucking with your traditions.

I'm tearing them down. [ Chuckles ]

Take him away.

You know, you are way too classy... and have way too nice of a body to be hanging out with a douche bag.

[ Chuckling ] Don't listen to him, honey. Your body isn't that great.

I'll have a gimlet, please. Thank you.

Stifler. What?

Your lawyer's here. Excellent. Thanks, Marty. Send him in.

You have a lawyer?

Thanks for coming. I'm glad you got here.

Well, you know me, I'm always down for the cause.

Betas for life, baby. Betas for life.

Mr. Levenstein. Hey, Eric. How's your mom and dad?

They're good. They're really good, actually.

Well, that's good. Hey, guys, this is Noah. He's a Beta alum.

He's our house counsel and consigliere. This guy... has gotten us out of more shit than you can even imagine.

Well, you Beta boys do keep me busy. That's for sure.

Now, I've just talked to the district attorney.

He's an old school chum of mine. He's willing to drop all the charges... if you promise never to set foot in the Silver Dollar again.

This is ridiculous.

Where am I gonna have Sunday brunch?

Oh, look, I know you're upset. They do have a great omelet bar. That's for sure.

But, uh, you're just gonna have to give it up. No, we can't.

These geeks, these geeks are messin' with the Beta way of life.

You want to, uh, step inside, Noah?

Oh, it's open? Yeah.

Oh, thanks, Marty.

If you wanna grab a sandwich, I'll just be a minute.

Look, fellas, there is a bigger picture here than the "Beta way of life."

Is that what you thought when you were in the Beta house?


No, it wasn't.

So-- -So I think something has to be done here... within the confines of the law, of course. Of course.

Of course.

So, uh, what would you do?

What would I do?

I would crush those geeks with every Beta muscle in my body.

[ Groans ] But that's just me.

See you boys at homecoming.

Say hi to your folks, Eric. I will. Thank you.

[ Whispering ] What are we doing?

We gotta find their trophy, bro.

Freeze, human.

[ Hissing ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Uphold the Galactic Alliance... with my cock. [ Growling ]

[ Grunting, Groaning ]

What the hell is going on in there?

Sounds like a dog with its dick stuck in a vacuum.

Hey, this way. Come on. I'm a husky ninja.

Shh. Hyah!

[ Erik ] There it is, the motherboard.


[ Swallows ]

[ Gasps ] Guys, I really gotta take a dump.

Oh, come on. Not now. That fast food I ate put me over.

[ Groaning ] I can't wait.

Well, hurry up then. That guy is disgusting.

Hold that.

Okay. All right.

All right.


All right. [ Alarm Blaring ]

Come on.

Bobby. -[ Alarm Continues ]

Ooh! Bobby, what are you doing, man? Upper-decker, baby.

Shh. [ Whispering ] Oh. Upper-decker, baby.

[ Groaning ] Oh, my God.

Betas, we are leaving. Go, go, go!

[ Panting ] What's happening?

Well, pledges, you completed every task on the task board in record time.

I, along with every other Beta in this room, are proud... to call you our brothers.

Congratulations. You're all Betas. -[ Applause ]

[ Cheering ]

Hey, Cuz.

Here you go.

[ Beeping ] Oh, la, la. Gracias.

De nada.

It sounds like you got yourself a pretty good girl there, buddy.

Oh, yeah. You know what, now that pledge is finally over... we can spend a lot more time together too.

What, are you kidding me, Edgar? Get you and the Mensa rejects out of my house now.

[ Beeping ]

You have crossed me for the last time, Stifler!

We're gonna settle this once and for all.

Whoa! Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the fuck?

[ Roaring ]

We, the members of the geek house, challenge you, the Beta house, to the Greek Olympiad. The Greek Olympiad?

As much as I'd love to kick your geek ass up and down the field, Ed, I hate to tell you the Greek Olympiad has been banned for, like, 40 years.

[ Chuckling ] What's the matter?

Afraid to get into a little trouble, Stifler?


[ Chuckles ] Let's do this.

Oh, but there is one catch. We are playing for charters.

If we win, you give up your charter, and you move out of the Beta house.

And if you win, we move out... and you take our house. This place against your mansion?

Consider it another tradition I plan to tear down.

You're on.

[ Chuckling ] Vaya con Dios.

Are you out of your mind? The Greek Olympiad has been banned for life.

You'll all get thrown off campus.

That's a chance we're gonna have to take.

Oh, but the Greek Olympiad is crazy.

I mean, yes, it's a combination skill, endurance, athleticism, granted, but there is a degree of perversion in these games... which I don't think would serve you kids well.

Do you happen to remember the name of the last captain to ever win the Greek Olympiad?

Well, I haven't the foggiest, because it was so long ago. I-- His name... was Noah Levenstein.


Well, I knew that would catch up to me one day.

But, you know, fellas, look, I didn't know what was going on back then.

I was just a dumb kid. Mr. Levenstein, we need you.

Tradition states that the last team captain to win comes back to officiate.

I know it's tradition. I-- I--

I suppose I could do it. I'd have to call in and take a few personal days.

-Excellent. You will not regret this. I promise you. -Stifler!

This just came for you, man. What is it?

This is interesting.


I'm here. What's this big bombshell?

Are you sure you weren't followed?

You. What the hell are you doing here?

Well, well, Stifler. Rock.

Looks like we meet again. All right. This is a setup. I'm out of here.

Relax, ass clown.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

What we had was a rivalry.

But what Edgar did got us kicked off campus.

Wait, how-how do you even know the guy?

He tried to pledge our house three years ago.

He was the first regular-size guy to rush the little-person frat.

They used to have this tradition where we put a sheep in the basement.

Be gentle. They'd tell us we had to bang the sheep... and that we couldn't come out until the rubber was used.

Now, one of two things happened.

[ Sheep Bleating ] Either they would come out crying, or they would beat off in the rubber and say they did the sheep.

And then, there was Edgar.

Good luck. -[ Bleating ]

[ Groaning ]

Oh, I'll be gentle. It's okay. What the fuck?

[ Edgar Moaning ] We gotta check it out.

[ Edgar Moaning ]

[ Groaning ]

For the love of God, man. [ Bleats ]

That sick bastard fucked the sheep.

That's a great story, but I'm a little unclear on how it helps me.

[ Sighs ] I'm sure you'll figure something out, "Shitler."

* [ Fanfare ]

[ Cheering ]

Welcome to the Greek Olympiad.

[ Cheering ]

Competing today in this ancient tradition are the Beta house--

[ Cheering ] Beta, Beta, Beta. and the geek house.

[ Cheering ]

Now, when we think of the term "Greek Olympiad," we-- we hearken back to ancient traditions.

Uh, we conjure up images of mighty warriors... in their little skirts getting all oiled up, uh, writhing around with each other.

Some called it wrestling. Others called it something else.

But, uh, enough history. On with the games.

[ Cheering ]

The first event is called: The Release of Venus.

The man who undoes all the brassieres on his side the quickest wins.

You know, Ed. It's really a shame... all that practice on your sister's training bra is not gonna pay off.

Please, Dwight. I spent a season in Milan dating lingerie models.

It was before I met you.

* [ Fanfare ]

Gentlemen, are we ready?

Get in there. -Decline and fall, Dwight. Decline and fall.

Start unsnapping.

*Put your finger in the pie

*Make you come Make you wanna cry *

You know, I still hold the record in this event. The hands of a surgeon.

*On a dead-ender I'm on a bender, a bender *

[ Cooze ] Whoa, what's up with Edgar? The chick's got double D's.

Quad clasps are really difficult to deal with.

*I'm on a bender, a bender A bender for you *

[ Groaning ] [ Crowd Cheers ]

Done. Done. [ Cheering ]

Betas win.

[ Cheering ] -*I'm on a bender, a bender A bender for you *

Hey, nice try, Edgar.

Oh, sorry, sweetheart. I guess I was just in the zone.

You know, with a little more to work with, I might have won.

The next event is the Battle of Ares.

Two men fighting to the death... or until one knocks the other into the water.

Whoo! You guys are so done, Edgar. Bull's an animal with this thing.

Why don't you just save some face? Give me the deed to your place now.

Not quite yet. You haven't met our new initiate, have you?

[ Crowd Murmurs ]

His name is Dave Maul.

And he is the number-one-rated light saber fighter... on the science fiction convention tour.

Oh, he's a virgin. [ Laughing ]

Are you ready, boys? Joust.

Yeah, come on!

[ Crowd Gasps ] [ Cheering ]

Oh, shit!

[ Groaning ]

Finish him.


[ Groaning ] [ Cheering ]

Geeks win.

I need a beer.

The next event is called Demeter's Feast.

Now, in ancient Rome, the pig was considered sacred, and, uh, often sacrificed to the goddess of agriculture.

Today, we've taken a pig, uh, greased it up, and the first one who catches it wins.

[ Snorting ] [ Speaking French ]

Hey, you sure you're up for this pigging?

Stifler, I grew up on a farm with 652 pigs.

I can tell what the pig is thinking.

[ Squealing ]

Come here. [ Shouts ]

[ Crowd Gasps ] Silly little fat man.

Hey, Edgar, what's the deal with Captain Sulu? He afraid to compete?

You haven't heard of parkour, have you?

Lunettes. Allez.

[ Crowd Gasps ] What the-- [ Groans ]

Go, go, go! [ Squealing ]

Come here, piggy! Come here, piggy!

Pig, pig, pig, piggy!

[ Squealing ]

[ Growling ]

Come here, pork chop.


[ Squealing ] [ Cheering ]

[ Levenstein ] Geeks win!

Greek roulette is a very dangerous game, not for the faint of heart.

One of these chambers contains a capsule... with aged horse, uh, semen.

[ Groaning ]

Gentlemen, let us begin.

[ Clamoring ]

[ Man ] Give 'em only one shot.

[ Groaning ]

[ Man ] Come on. Come on. [ Man #2 ] Come on, Dwight.


It's gonna be empty. Come on.

I gotta hand it to you, Edgar. I really didn't think you'd have thehuevosfor this.

I thought you'd probably recruit one of your lackeys.

I wouldn't miss watching you shoot yourself full of horse semen for anything.

Come on, man. [ All Chattering ]

Stuff it in there. It's all good. It's all good.

[ Cheering ]

Yes! Yes!

Your turn, big boss.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Yeah!

[ All Shouting ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Laughing ] Yeah!

Put two canisters in there. Two? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Two?

That's too many, Dwight. Come on. Two. He's not worth it.

Unless Edgar's afraid, put in two canisters.

Fine! Put in two!

Put in two.

-[ Man ] Oh, man. Go.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ All Shouting ]

All right, all right. All right. All right.

Everyone quiet!

We good? Don't worry about it.

You're good, baby. There's nothing in there. Oh, no. I can't watch.

[ Screaming ]

Yes! Yeah! Yes!

Yes! -Betas rule!

You're up. You're next.

[ All Shouting ]

Do it. Go.

Do it. Do it! Do it!

Pull the fuckin' trigger. Do it! Do it!

Do it! Pull it!

Oh, boy.

We won!

Betas win.

Enjoy Mr. Ed's jizz. How's the semen taste, Ed?

Tough loss there, Edgar, but you know what they say, son, you've gotta get right back up on that horse... so to speak.

[ Sobbing ]

* [ Fanfare ]

The ancient game of the wife carry has been around for centuries.

The first couple to complete the course wins.

[ Cheering ] You owe me big time for this.

I know.

Okay. Ready? All right.

All right.

How pathetic. [ Scoffs ] Now.

What, are you-- Really? You trying to give Bandhu a hernia?

Oh, once again, your pathetic little brain has let you down, Dwight.

Bandhu, up.

[ All Chattering ]

All right, Erik. We got this. Let's go.

We're fucked.

[ Pistol Fires ]

Come on, Erik. Let's go, let's go, let's go. We can beat those Betas.

Pick up the pace. Faster, faster, faster.

How do you feel about that advantage? Let's go.

[ All Chattering ]

[ All Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

Maybe I should have carried you.

Man, that is one scary chick. That's a chick?

And now, the Peloponnesian War.

The first team to consume an entire keg wins.

Throwing up does not disqualify.

Gentlemen, inside this cylindrical casing of aluminum... lies 55 metric liters of malted alcohol.

Remember, fellas, don't underestimate these geeks.

Most of them are lonely problem drinkers. All right?

Beware, gentlemen. These men know how to drink.

But we are more than they are. We are more than men.

We, sirs, are geeks.

All right, boys. Battle.

Gentlemen, chugalug. I can out-drink you fucks!

Batten down the hatches!

[ Screaming ]

We are geeks. We can do this.

[ Screaming ] Edgar!

I only have one thing to say to you. What's that, you philistine?

Puking doesn't disqualify.

All geeks, attack.

Come on, Edgar. Let's see what you got, bitch.

That's all you got? That's all you got?

Give it back. Give it back.

Save yourselves!

Back to the keg! Oh, we got a man down!

Gentlemen, we need to attain maximum efficiency.

Irene, attach the device.

What the hell is that? What is that thing?

Open valves.

That's the geeks taking the lead. It's time for our secret weapon.

Wesley! Wesley!

[ Shouting ] [ Man ] Let's go.

Keg stand, now!

About damn time!

Open the valve all the way. We need warp speed on this motherfucker.

Betas win. [ Cheering ]

With the Greek Olympiad tied, we now go into sudden death.

The final event is called: The Rise of Aphrodite.

Quite simply, the first man who... excretes his manly, uh, juices, in the, uh, ejaculatory sense, uh, loses.

I cannot wait to see you come in your pants.

Let's do this.

*We used to be attached at the hip *

*Now distance attacking our relationship *

*I know you got to handle your biz I tried to be a good girl *

Pi is equal to 3.1415--

No big deal at all. 59787--

I feel like Santa Claus at the local shopping mall.

That was nothing. -That was nothing for me either. No big deal.

*Pick it, pick it up *Bring it back and let it down *

*Pick it, pick it up *Bring it back and make it stop *

*Pick it, pick it up *Bring it back and let it drop *

*Go ahead, mama You're a phenomenon *

*Pick it, pick it up *Bring it back and let it down *

*Pick it, pick it up *Bring it back and make it stop *

*Pick it, pick it up *Bring it back and let it drop *

I like your boobs. [ Bobby ] Look at this!

Pretend you're sucking my man breasts.

Give it up, Stifler. This is a game of mind over matter.

And my brain is way bigger than yours.

I've got experience on my side. I'll take that over your Vulcan mind tricks any day.

We shall see. Bring her in.

We flew this young lady in from Las Vegas.

She's the number-one stripper in the Emerald City.

Enjoy, Dwight.

*Don't have to ask why No. Oh.

Good luck.

*Don't have to ask why

*Just get them hands high Just raise 'em to the sky *

I'm in trouble here, boys.

This chick is ridiculous. Bring her in.

Code red! Code red!

[ Bleating ]

[ Bleating ] What the fuck?

Look at my tail, Edgar. Look how fluffy it is.

[ Edgar ] Stop, please.

Somebody make her stop. What's the matter, Edgar? You got a little wool fetish?


[ Edgar Moaning ]

He's done.

Betas win. [ Cheering ]

[ Chanting ] Beta, Beta, Beta.

Beta, Beta, Beta, Beta.

[ Chanting Continues ]

To the winners-- I now present the golden hammer... to Beta house. Beta, baby.

Congratulations, Stifler. You've kept the Beta traditions alive.

Thanks, Noah. Betas for life?

Betas for life. Yeah.

* [ Vocalizing ]

* [ Singing, Indistinct ]

Now this is a frat party.

No, this is a Beta party.

*Put yourself upon the ground Back there and rock them different times *

*Can't come back one day to rhyme spent my dime run down the line *

*Your time's up don't hesitate Chop the suckers off like Norman Bates, yeah *

*Get on and open up your brain *

*We hit it to this minute 'Cause you told them how you came *

*How you what *Came

*My big-league rhyme is a major rap *

Hey, I got a little surprise for you. Yeah?

A little present for you being so patient and understanding.


Are you ready for your present? [ Laughing ] I'm not sure.

I'm really confused right now, and I'm trying to keep an open mind, but--

[ Thinking ] Oh, man, this is fucked up, even for me.

Here it comes. [ Thinking ] Oh, my God. If it's bigger than mine, I swear I'm gonna pass out.

I'm not wearing any panties. [ Thinking ] Oh.

Easy, Cooze. Everybody can see you.

Well, I'm sure we could find someplace around here with a little privacy.

Okay. Let's go.

*Dance, come on

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

Where are you taking me?

It's a surprise. You're gonna like it.

I'm nervous.

What are you talking about? Everything's gonna be fine.

Are you sure? Yeah.

*You try to mend the heart you're breaking *

Why don't I take care of you?



Oh, my.

I can't. I can't.

Just let yourself go, baby. There is nothing you can do that's gonna surprise me, okay?

Are you sure? Yeah.


[ Chuckling ] Why are you bringing me in here?

Well, this being our new house.

I thought I'd come up with my own task for the pledge board.

Mmm. Okay. And what's that gonna be?

Uh. [ Clears Throat ]

Well, I think it's kind of better if I, uh-- if I show you.

[ Projector Whirring ]

Oh, sex in a movie theater.

I like the way you think, Erik Stifler.

*Give me love Give me love *

*And I'll bring it back to you *

[ Moaning ]

I'm coming! I'm coming!

I'm coming!

Oh! Oh, my--

Okay, I was a little surprised by that.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's--

It's actually really sexy.

Really? Yeah.

Can you do that every time?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

*I was alone in this world and I can't stop *

*Till I seen little mama in a tank top * Hey, buddy.

Take a little dip in the pool? Nope.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ah, yes. The elusive female ejaculation.

[ Chuckling ] Not a lot of girls can do that. Congrats.

*I fell in love today with a boy from around my way *

*That's because he looked like me *

*I fell in love today with a boy from around my way *

*That's because he looked like me *

*I couldn't help myself I felt like I was a queen *

*I used to sit around at home alone *

Beta house fuckin' rules!

[ All Screaming ]

*I was so turned on I could barely say *

*He said come on and gave me a little wink *

*My brain unfroze and I can only think *

*I fell in love today with a boy from around my way *

*That's because he looked like me *

*I fell in love today with a boy from around my way *

[ Chanting ] Beta, Beta, Beta, Beta.

*I can't lose your lovin'

*No, I can't lose your love

*I can't lose your lovin' No way *

*I just got your lovin' Oh, baby, baby *

*I can't lose your lovin' No, no way *

[ Chuckling ] Yes.

[ Toilet Flushing ]

Hey, big boy.

Ready to fill me up with some more protein?

No, no, no, no!

Ah, yes. The Blackout Menace strikes again.

*When I wake up mornin' yawning I put up my hands *

*Thank the lord for what I got and never stop my plans *

*Givin' all for the cause Gotta keep it up never let my head drop *

*Make me a home all my own Better make the bed rock *

*A place for the dog, a garage a yard to play around *

*Kitchen for missus she'll be fixin' them biscuits golden brown *

*Got me a shorty and some kids just like a family should *

*Made a few changes how I live and now it's all good *

*You're on a rebound Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back Show 'em how you bounce back *

*You're on a rebound Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back How you bounce back *

*Super classic realistic homey on the dope *

*If you close your eyes and miss it ask me why I wrote this *

*I've come so very far and made this here my home *

*So if you're thinkin' otherwise I guess you're thinkin' wrong *

*All it takes is all I got a little bit of try *

*And if you make my babies cry I'll bust you in your eye *

*Gonna make it happen ain't no way you can tie me up *

*'Cause I hocus-pocus keep it focused and you know the steps what's up *

*You're on a rebound Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back Show 'em how you bounce back *

*You're on a rebound Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back Show 'em how you bounce back *

*Hey, what you say Hop in let's roll *

*Buckle up around that He low like that ain't nobody gotta know *

*Swing the bat for mama I know big boys hit home runs *

*I don't discriminate No hate, I've ran bases with smaller ones *

*I know what I got Kids that work they be on the clock *

*'Cause they tick, tick tick, ticktock go and make the boys give good stock *

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

*When we at the set no strings attached 'cause I'm on the rebound *

*You're on a rebound Show 'em how you bounce back *

*Make your back bounce Make your back bounce *

*You're on a rebound Show 'em how you bounce back *

*Make your back bounce Make your back bounce *

* [ Techno ]

*It was one of them nights I had one of those things about to go get my drink on *

*Knew I gotta get right so I picked up my girls in my truck *

*Cruisin' down the boulevard

*And then I pull up to the club we hopped out started walkin' *

*Pass the line said we V.I.P. *

*Soon as we stepped in chicks started talkin' * *And then I said

*Anytime you want me, baby There's the front door *

*We could do it one on one or you could get your people *

*We could get the crowd hyper We could put on a show *

*I said You don't really want me and I already know *

*Inside * [ Indistinct ]

*Outside *It's a different story

*Inside *You keep on running your mouth *

*Outside *You ain't got nothin' for me

*Inside * [ Indistinct ]

*Outside *It's a different story

*Inside *You keep on running your mouth *

*Outside *You ain't got nothin' for me

*Gettin' more time than insomniacs *

*It's a good thing to rest of the cardiacs *

*Are trying to have a good time with the partiac *

*Why the drummer gotta start when they call the acts *

*And as I step in put their bets in *

*They brace their weapons 'cause they feel threatened *

*Try to tell them they don't wanna step outside *

*Have the kid put it under *And then I said

*Anytime you want me, baby There's the front door *

*We could do it one on one or you could get your people *

*We could get the crowd hyper We could put on a show *

*I said You don't really want me and I already know *

*Inside * [ Indistinct ]

*Outside *It's a different story

*Inside *You keep on running your mouth *

*Outside *You ain't got nothin' for me

*Inside * [ Indistinct ]

*Outside *It's a different story

*Inside *You keep on running your mouth *

*Outside *You ain't got nothin' for me

*Gotta be a issue Gotta be a problem *

*Just 'cause a chick got more soul than Harlem *

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

*I got chicks don't get in their way *

*If you really wanted you could get it done *

*But don't forget I'm the premium *

*Don't let your mouth write up a check you can't cash *

*You could get bounced for talkin' trash * *And I said

*Anytime you want me, baby There's the front door *

*We could do it one on one or you could get your people *

*We could get the crowd hyper We could put on a show *

*I said You don't really want me and I already know *

*Inside * [ Indistinct ]

*Outside *It's a different story

*Inside *You keep on running your mouth *

*Outside *You ain't got nothin' for me

*Inside * [ Indistinct ]

*Outside *It's a different story

*Inside *You keep on running your mouth *

*Outside *You ain't got nothin' for me *

* [ Techno ]

[ Inhales ]

Wear this for your next dance, honey.

Thanks. Baa.