American Wedding (2003) Script

Well, Michelle, we did it. Happy graduation.

You know, living at my parents' house, that's a temporary thing.

We've been going out for, what, three years.

You're not, like, getting bored with things, are you?

Michelle, I'm gonna ask you something that I've never asked you before.

Is it kinky?

I don't think so. No.

You don't have to be embarrassed if you wanna add more spiciness to our relationship.

Actually, maybe you could just, you know, use your napkin.

My napkin?

Mr. Levenstein? Yes.

You have a phone call. Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hello? Jim, it's Dad.

You left the ring at home.

The box is empty. But I'm on my way, and I've got the ring, so don't panic, Son. Okay? Bye.

Who was that?

Uh...

That was my dad. That was my dad.

He couldn't get through on... I didn't answer my cell, so he was getting all worried. You know how he is.

But everything is okay now. Everything is perfectly fine.

I think I know what you're gonna ask me.

That's okay. I don't have to use my napkin.

What?

I've got my own techniques.

Michelle, where you going? Michelle?

Okay.

Michelle. Okay.

My God. My God, Michelle.

Psst!

I think you need to stop. Okay, keep going.

My God. Michelle?

Michelle...

My God.

Okay.

Well, I made it.

Where's Michelle? Washroom?

I was so nervous she was gonna spot me.

Here's the ring, Son.

Let me tell you something. This is some ring.

Look at the rock on this baby, Mr. Big Spender.

I hope you didn't blow your wad on this, Son.

Not yet.

Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim.

I mean, we're so happy.

And I know you're excited, I can see it in your face.

I mean, you look like you're ready to burst.

I mean, your cheeks, they're flush.

I wish your mother could be here.

Not me. That's what I wish.

You know, this is one of those moments, Jim, that you're gonna remember for the rest of your life.

Yes, it is.

You bet it is.

I cannot believe my son is gonna pop the question.

What was that?

That?

Knocking on wood. What is this... Popping what? What question?

You're a wreck.

What?

You need some air.You need some air. Okay, walk me to my car.

No, I'm not walking...

Listen to me! It's for your good.

Dad.

Son! My pants!

Your penis!

I got my pants, Dad!

What the hell...

Jeez! God, Dad.

Wear your pants.

I got the pants! What are you doing?

He had abdominal cramps...

I can explain all this.

Everybody calm down here, quiet!

Lower your voice.

Disgusting.

Now, I came here to do something, and damn it, I'm gonna do it.

Michelle?

Hello, dear.

Michelle Annabeth Flaherty, I love you more than I could ever explain at this particular moment.

Dad, the ring.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

My son.

I'm the happiest man in the world.

We should all be so happy.


Cheers. Gentlemen. Sweetheart.

I'm impressed.

Marriage is a binding, unifying, eternal, never-ending, permanent chaining together of two people.

Jim, have you thought this through?

Yes.

Finch, thank you. I had been trying to figure it out for a while.

You know, when is the right time? Is there a right time?

Then finally I realized, "Duh, you love the girl. Marry her."

Aw.

Let's dance.

Dance? No.

No, you have to learn sometime. Come on.

Don't laugh at me.

Yeah, okay.

Just glad that's not me.

Finch, you don't think there's one girl you're destined to spend your entire life with?

They're all for me, Kevin.

Not so bad? All right.

Do this.

I'm sorry.

The wedding should be rather entertaining.

Bro, that's it?

There's no keg anywhere.

Jim. Hey, John.

The food and the drink are really bad.

"F" for presentation. The good news for you...

What's that?

We're gonna be ushers at the wedding.

This is amazing. I don't recognize half the people in this place.

At least they all brought gifts.

Hello.

Hello. I'm Mary Flaherty.

Hello!

Harold Flaherty.

Hi. How lovely to meet you.

Please come in. We've been expecting you.

How was your trip?

Delightful.

Who's excited about the wedding?

Anxious might be more accurate.

We've never met your son.

You'll get to meet him.

Rudy and Sam would like to meet him, too.

Better bring them in from the car.

They've been cooped up for hours.

For heaven's sake. You brought your sons?

Our dogs.

We never travel without them.

My goodness.

Well, honey, why don't you go get those critters out of the car and we'll start on some cocktails.

Thank you.

I'd love one. Long trip?

I'll get the dogs.

There's one thing that'll make this wedding perfect.

No Stifler.

That's one dick we are not inviting.

Motion seconded.

Motion carried.

So, Finch, what are you gonna do with that fancy NYU diploma?

I'll frame it.

Then I'll write my memoirs.

You should come to law school, man.

You know I could use the company.

Kids, Michelle's parents are here. Come on, we're waiting.

Crumbs on the shirt. That's bad.

Okay, that's fine. I'll change. I'll change.

Fuckers!

Well, polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

What's up?

That's right.

Cake? Hope it's good.

Gee.

Thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker.

Fucking right, doggy. That's good cake! Holy shit!

Hi. How are you? Congratulations.

Hey...

"Congratulation, Jism!"

Excuse me. Stifler?

Hey, Jim!

Stifler, what are you doing here?

Okay, man...

Happy fuckday, assmouth!

Put the cake down.

Check it out. I made it all by myself.

Cute. What happened to my invite?

Got lost in the mail, fuckface?

Quiet!

Bite yourself. That's what I thought.

I think I can spell "Cajun Rectum."

Seriously, man.

Jesus.

Damn it, Stifler.

Jim, look what you did!

Look what I did?

Look at this shit! What am I supposed to do now?

Are you happy now, man? Why are you here?

My dick looks like a corn dog.

I got cake all over my balls.

Jim, honey?

Shit.

The Flahertys are waiting.

Do you think he's upstairs, honey?

You're fucked now, Jim.

Stifler, get up.

This dog's great!

Is it weird that it feels good?

All right...

What about the dining room?

I know you'll just love him.

Jesus, Stifler.

Stop enjoying it so much.

Lick it up!

You little shit. Take your pants off, man.

Good Lord!

God! Jim?

No, it's not what it looks like.

What are you doing, Son?

My dogs! Don't go in there, darling!

Lord knows what they'll do to you!

I love this dog!

I was trying to get him off, Dad.

That is your son?

Back away from the animal.

Mr. And Mrs. Flaherty, I presume.

Where are you going?

Well, lunch is served.

I really hope That we can all just forget about this, and move on, and start again.

Start again fresh.

Jim, if you hope to be the provider and protector for our firstborn daughter, you have a long way to go.

Thank you, sir.

They think you're an angel and I'm just some ungrateful dog rapist.

They just think they raised the proper little band girl.

And, besides, sometimes it's nice to be more traditional.

How so? How do you mean traditional?

I'm thinking about the wedding.

How it's just this one day, one day where everyone's eyes are on me for a change.

I've just never walked into a room and had everyone go, "Ooh" and "Ah" and "Isn't she elegant?"

That is exactly how our wedding is going to be.

I promise.

Shit. I got a frosted ass crack. Hey, Finch?

You want this for here or to go?

"A witty saying proves nothing." Voltaire.

"Suck my dick." Ron Jeremy.

Boys, anybody seen the bride's parents?

No?

Wait a second.

Come on, Stifler.

This isn't a graduation party.

It's time to go.

Wait, hold on! Jim's getting married, isn't he?

Holy fucking shit! This is major!

Do you have the slightest idea how important this is?

We get to have a bachelor party. Yes!

We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honor.

Chicks and boobs.Tits and ass.

Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas, all up in our frigging faces!

Come on, buck up, fellows! Show some enthusiasm!

It's gonna be fucking great! My God!

Finch, he does make a good point.

Yeah, he does.

You never heard me say that.

I do not deserve a girl this cool.

Michelle said the wedding was doable, right?

A wedding. A wedding, yeah.

I promised her her wedding. You know, the wedding of her dreams.

Okay, what's the problem?

Dancing.

She's gonna want to dance. There's that whole tradition.

The first dance at the reception.

She is gonna wanna dance Fred Astaire kind of shit.

I can't do that.

She learned all that from band camp.

Okay, so you take lessons, you know. Right away.

Lessons. Okay. I have to convince her parents that I'm not a shithead.

Yeah, challenging.

Indeed challenging.

But doable. What else?

What else? I don't know what else. That's the thing.

She cares too much to tell me.

She doesn't want me to worry that she might be worried.

So I'm worried.

Recon.

You mean, like, spying on Michelle?

Spying is deceitful.

Extra attention means you're concerned.

This is true. This is good.

Guys, here's to the next step.

Shut up with that stepping.

Put your glass down.


We'll find a wonderful one somewhere, I promise.

We'll keep looking.

Is everything okay here? The study can get a little chilly sometimes.

You have enough blankets?

We're fine. Thank you.

I was kind of hoping that someday soon, we could have a little talk.

I'd really like to tell you why I think I'll make a good husband, whenever you get a chance.

Why is that?

Come on.

See, I was saying that soon we could talk.

This right now is sort of the preliminary talk before the future longer talk, which would be like a quiet, a private dinner talk.

Let him finish.

I'm talking to you.

Okay.

Good talking to you.

No. These aren't gonna work.

You guys in a sporting goods store. Very good.

Hey, Finch, I think they got your size.

Beautiful.

Jim needs to learn to dance for his wedding.

You know, I think he's screwed.

Of course he's screwed. He's getting married.

I can't wait to see this disaster.

What makes you think you're invited?

I already called up Jim's mom. Got the info.

I'm preparing for the festivities.

It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finchfucker.

'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out.

And I'm gonna rock out with my cock out!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

All right, Stifler.

This is a little difficult to explain.

Look, you're okay. You're okay.

I mean, I like you.

Yeah, great.

You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.

Come on! Work it! Hustle!

See, my mom didn't know that...

Push it! Move it! Come on!

There was a misunderstanding.

You're not invited!

Hold!

Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married?

I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.

You what?

The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me!

The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party, at my cottage!

That girl's the girl he's marrying.

The Stiffman showed him the way.

Can I get a hallelujah?

Hallelujah, Stifler!

But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the Grand fucking Facilitator to attend the wedding.

Who sucks donkey dick?

Jim sucks donkey dick!

The answer's no, okay? I'm sorry.

The answer's no.

I can dance.

What?

I can dance.

Five, six, seven, eight...

Okay. What exactly is this here?

Left box turn.

Left box turn. Okay.

Hi. Stop looking into my eyes.

Sorry. Sorry.

Now how do you know this? How do you know how to do this?

My mom made me take it for three fuckin' years.

Yeah? I hated it.

No, you're really good. You should take ballet or something.

Fuckface!

What part of "this sucks my ass" do you not under-fuckin'-stand?

This is exactly what I'm talking about, Steven.

You can't behave like this. If you wanna come to the wedding, I'm sorry, you cannot act like this.

Are you saying I'm impolite or something?

Impolite would be an improvement.

Look, just try not to be, you know, you.

Fuck this shit. It's not worth it.

Wait, Stifler. Hold on.

Okay, what if you planned the bachelor party?

With a dildo show?

Sure. If you can find the time to fit it in, go ahead.

Surprise me. Sorry, chief.

It only gets you halfway there.

What do you mean?

I need assurances that I'm gonna get some quality action at this wedding.

I'm sorry, I can't make that promise.

Well, let me put it to you this way, Jimbo.

No pussy, no dancing. Okay?

No pussy, no dancing.

How's that for polite?

Jim, your suspicions are confirmed.

Michelle wants a dress that she can't get.

The dress she wants is Amsale. They have a store in Chicago.

If we leave right now, we can get there by the time they close.

It's a three-hour drive.

Three-hour drive?

Kick fucking ass! Are we going to Chicago to see titties?

We are talking about getting Michelle a dress in Chicago.

Now, please vanish.

Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?

Bang cock.

Dude... Okay, I got shotgun.

Let's get this dress shit over with.

The strip bar's got free hot wings before 7:00.

Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.

They're gay?

No, you bleeding imbecile, they have style. They're cultured. They're sophisticated.

So they're gay.

So, mademoiselle, I'm sure that you can appreciate that monsieur here is stuck right between Scylla and Charybdis.

Yes, I'm afraid he's no Ulysses.

Okay, what's happening here?

You need to speak to my dressmaker.

That's who would actually make the dress, and I'm afraid Leslie has gone for the day.

All right, she said she'd probably be at one of these bars here on Halstead.

I say we split up, ask around for a Leslie Summers.

Right.

Hey there, sweet little thing.

Hey there, you sweet manly thing.

You know, I really love your shirt.

Do I know you?

I'm Jennifer.

Well, Jennifer, just relax, take it slow, and let the good times roll, because Daddy's a regular here!

Do you wanna get a drink?

You're goddamn right I do.

Two cold ones.

You know, my friend would really dig your vibe.

Will you wait here?

Sure thing, babe.

Good. All right.

How you feeling, sexy?

Pretty good.

You have a deep voice.

That's not all.

Right.

You look really cute tonight.

Thanks. I guess.

What the...

Feeling a little frisky?

Game over. What's happening here?

Hey. Any luck?

Not so much.

All right, let's...

This is Bear.

Hey!

You are a bear.

Yeah.

How much you bench?

How much you weigh?

Why? You wanna try and pick me up?

Yeah, I think I could.

Yeah, I bet you could.

You are big. I could use a guy like you on my team.

Are you talking about our team? Or an actual team?

What the hell is "our team"? Hi, where's the girl?

What the fuck are we talking about?

You need to take another look around.

You look fabulous!

Hey, honey.

My God. What the fuck is going on?

Come on, is that all you've got?

Pussy!

I must have came to the wrong place. Stifler.

Stifler. Man.

It's so good to see you.

How did you get up the nerve to check out a gay bar?

Really don't wanna talk about it right now. I just wanna go home.

Your friend here was just leaving.

Eat shit.

Did you find Leslie?

Fuck your stupid dressmaker.

You guys know Leslie Summers?

We're trying to find her.

You know what? I think you guys are out of luck.

Why don't you go home?

No. You know Leslie Summers? He knows her.

My friends and I, we just drove all the way from Michigan to find my fiancée the wedding dress that she deserves.

We need Leslie to make it for us.

Can you please help us find her?

I'm sure Leslie always helps associates of assholes.

What are you looking at? I'm not a steak.

Listen, breeder, not every gay man wants to have sex with you.

Yeah? Listen up, ass jockey. If I were gay, you'd want me!

Really? Really.

I got style. I'm cultured. I'm sophisticated.

And all that just radiates from your oh-so-sexy self.

That's bullshit. Everyone wants a piece of the Stifmeister.

Yeah, right!

Without a doubt.

I'll show you fuckers. Bye.

Everybody say bye. Bye.

Bye.

Good luck with the dress.

Give us a drink.


Mother of God.

Bitch!

What is this, a dance-off?

Yeah?


I love you!

What?

Fabulous. Seeing that was worth anything.

Look, I'm Leslie Summers and you've got yourself a dress.

My God. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, no problem. Say, who's your friend?

Kevin.

Was that the best night ever or what?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, it was amazing.

Hey, guys!

When you get your bachelor party together, I manage some girls in town.

Real ones.

All right.

Call me.

Damn, Stiffy, you got some moves.

I told you that guy wanted to fuck me.

I can't believe this. They're really gonna make the dress for me?

They're expecting your call. Go ahead.

This is so cool. I love you.

Thank you.

Well, that worked out.

Maybe it's time we had that special dinner chat.

I'll have turkey.

Thanks for helping out.

We're so close and there's still so much to do.

Cadence!

Hey! Hi!

Cadence, this is Paul Finch. Finch, meet my younger sister, Cadence.

Nice to meet you.

You're reading Descartes.

Yeah. Cogito ergo sum. "I think, therefore I am."

Hungry.

So, when's Mark getting in?

Let's see. That would be never.

Did you guys break up?

How tragic.

Sorry, Paul Finch. Girl stuff.

Just stay calm.

I'm available, she's available. It's all good.

She's a beautiful girl, and you're you.

Spill it, sister. What's the problem?

I dumped him.

But it was Mark. I thought you really liked him. He was nice.

Yeah, but sometimes nice isn't so nice.

Wait. Hold on. Let me get this straight.

He didn't want to do it.

He said he didn't want to ruin what we had by deflowering ourselves.

Who the hell uses the word "deflower"?

It's like something Mom would say.

Yeah.

And I'm starting to realize Mom and Dad's idea of appropriate behavior might be a little bit different than mine.

Mish, you're in love.

You're getting married. I mean, what's this like?

It's like it's...

I'm never going to be able to explain it.

I wanted us to write our own vows for the wedding and now I can't do mine.

How do you explain love?

I guess I wouldn't know.

I don't think I've ever felt that way about a guy.

Someday you will.

Maybe.

But in the meantime, I don't think it would hurt to get a little rowdy this weekend.

Jim's got single friends, right? Is Finch a possibility?

Finch is bonable.

Yes, he is bonable.

Dickhead. Do not send shit to my office at school.

Hey, Stifler, why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?

Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it.

Let me refresh your memory, partner.

"Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance"

"like you did in the gay bar."

I put serious thought into that letter.

Don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the edge.

I'm trying not to lose my head.

These are really nice for a bridesmaid dress.

At least something you can actually wear again.

You don't think it's too sexy, do you?

I mean, I don't want to seem slutty or anything.

I'm trying to attract a decent guy here.

It's a wedding. They'll all be decent guys.

I just don't feel quite like a virgin in it.

So, you guys have to be psyched to be done with college.

I mean, I swear, I'm running out of room in my brain for everything.

There's always room for Plato and Aristotle.

Some of my favorites.

Excuse me, guys.

Finch, she thinks you were being sarcastic.

Okay. It's so good to see you.

You want some help? Here, let me help you out there.

There you go. You keep fighting the good fight, sir.

That's great.

That was really sweet of you.

Yeah.

I love old people, you know?

Hey, I hate to be nosy and impolite, but do you know Jim Levenstein and Michelle Flaherty?

Yeah. Are they here?

Well, I'm Cadence, Michelle's sister.

I had no idea. I'm their good friend, Steven.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.

Well, they're around town doing some wedding stuff.

That's cool.

But there's still a few of us in the other room if you want to join us.

I don't know.

You look so nice. I feel underdressed.

Well, I think you look great.

Thank you.

Here they are.

Hi, boys. Don't stand up.

The dads aren't here yet?

I'll go find them.

Which one of you is the best man?

Jim didn't pick just one. Or I mean, he couldn't decide.

Hey, Paul. Hey, Kevin.

Mom, I want you to meet Steven.

He's friends of Jim's and mine and everyone's.

You look very familiar, Steven.

Really? I'm afraid we've never met.

Well, we have now.

Looks like you found Samantha's Sweets.

Isn't their chocolate just to die for?

You have no idea.

Actually, I do.

I love chocolate more than...

More than life itself!

I was just saying to your friends I have something very precious here.

What is it?

Michelle's grandmother's, my mother's, wedding ring.

Isn't that precious?

Since all of you are the best man, I don't know who should hold onto it.

I think it's best if I...

I think you should get to know us first and then decide.

You are such a gentleman, Steve.

I hear that all the time, but it never gets old.

Hey, Paul, do you have a camera?

How thoughtful.

I must've forgotten my camera at home, Steven.

Maybe you could take, like, a mental note.

I won't forget this moment.

I'll bet you won't.

Would you care to join us, Steven?

I'd love to. Thank you.

Good to see you fellows. Thank you.

Amazing.

What the hell is he doing near my flowers?

I love the way the tulips accentuate the...

What do you call those again, sir?

Double lisianthus.

Lisianthus.

Double lisianthums.

What a pretty name.

I told him to be nice, or he couldn't come to the wedding.

Okay, I will take care of this. I will take care of this.

James. Great. Come on over.

Great, come on over.

You can see if I forgot anything. I don't think I...

We're having a great time.

I think I've got it all. Look, look, look.

Sahara and desert rose for Your bridesmaids' bouquet.

Give me that. Smell this.

It's fantastic. Fantastic. And...

Look at this!

Let's go look at the candelabrum, honey.

I think with the summer blossoms...

Thank you for everything.

What'd you think, girls? Isn't this adorable?

Bye, Cadence.

Okay, I know what you're doing. Look, have you seen yourself?

I can't believe you're doing this, Stifler.

Just calm down, dude.

It's all set. What's set?

I'm gonna teach you to dance like a Baryshninikov.

Yeah.

He is pretty good.

Jim, he's not doing it to be nice.

He's doing it to bone Cadence.

Look, maybe we should give him a chance.

You know, I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's" there's a very sensitive person who is just thirsty for acceptance.

That's what I think.

Jim, you've got to stop masturbating.

It's melting your brain.

Observe the fucking Stifmeister.

What is his defining characteristic?

He uses the "F" word excessively.

Thanks, man. But I also have confidence.

You're one big floppy cock.

Look at you. You got to stand like a man.

Your posture tells your partner where to go.

Okay? Okay.

Follow my lead.

This is the waltz.

Waltz? Okay.

Waltz. Okay.

That's pretty good.

You're fucking right it's good.

I'm gonna save your ass in this wedding.

Pretty soon you're gonna want me to shave your balls.

Should I shave my balls? Do you shave your balls? How do you do it?

Dude! No.

I'm just... Shaving...

You know, there's nothing like a local pub.

It's like real America, without all that corporateness and catchy jingles.

What's wrong with a good jingle?

I think it was Voltaire who said, "A jingle witty proves everything for my friends and I."

Cadence, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

You're just in time for Voltaire's greatest hits.

Voltaire? Stifler, please, who was Voltaire?

Someone much wiser than you, I'm afraid, Finch.

Actually, I'm getting a little burned out on all the intellectual stuff.

Yeah, me, too.

Being smart is so hard.

I'll give you some intelligence.

Voltaire can suck on my balls.

What?

It's about time somebody finally came out and said it.

Hey, I'm gonna give you a quote to live by.

"Love life, get paid, and then get laid."

That is the basic philosophy of the Finchmeister.

I like that.

Bet you do.

Really? I don't know why you do, because Finchmeister doesn't make any frigging sense.

Sure it does.

No fucking shit it does.

Cadence, let's leave the cray-ton here, shall we?

Whatever. Fuck it. I'm walking, anyway.

You know, I think I'm gonna go stretch my legs with the Finchmeister.

You don't mind, do you, Steven?

No.

Ha!

It's on like Donkey Kong, bitch.

Pack it up, bitch.

I'm on it. Thank you.

So, Cadence say anything about me?

Whatever you and Finch are pulling, she seems to like you both.

Finch. She gonna be around tomorrow night?

No, she's going up to Chicago with Michelle for the final dress fitting.

What about her parents?

I think her mom kind of likes me.

They're going up north with my parents to get things ready for the rehearsal.

So that's where they'll be.

So don't bother looking for them or anything, you know?

A wedding. Shit.

How do you know she's the right girl?

I just do.

I'm a better person when I'm with Michelle.

Nobody else can... No, shithead.

You hooked up with one other girl for what? 10 seconds?

Not to mention you passed on Nadia. Dumbest fucking thing ever.

You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.

That shit is crazy.

This is just the old pre-wedding jitters, Son.

It's so forever. You know, it's...

You know, Michelle is the only girl that I've been with.

Honestly, now, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?

Why? Did she say something?

Hypothetically, Dad.

Hypothetically. Well, you know, Jim, I'm a married man.

If you weren't married.

She's a college girl.

If you were a college guy.

In a heartbeat. Yeah.

First of all, what you're feeling is so normal and perfectly natural.

Marriage is not about animal lusting, and kinky sex games.

It's not so much about who's the dog and who's the fire hydrant tonight.

It's deeper than that.

The longer a marriage lasts, the longer you can go without sex.

But when that magic night does happen, it's all the more meaningful.

Let me tell you, your mother, bless her, can still make me squeal like a pig.

I mean that in the good sense.

Do you follow what I'm saying?

You understand where I'm going here?

I do. I think...

Anything else you need?

No. No. That's...

Anything I can do.

He's not here. Park the cars down there where he won't see them.

Whoo!

Fucking right!

So, you like my pants, Stiffy?

Whatever, dude. As long as the girls are worth it.

They're worth it. And if you got good wine, too, that'll score points for you.

I think there's some in the basement.

I'll get it. You ain't gonna want to miss this.

Gentlemen, I would like to introduce Officer Krystal und Fräulein Brandi!

My God.

My God.

You boys have been very messy.

Whoops.

Can you see my fanny?

Whoops.

You naughty girl.

None of that pleading the Fifth crap.

You boys are gonna talk.

My God!

Are you just gonna stand there and drool?

Or we gonna have a bachelor party?

Fuck, yeah, we are!

Yeah? Yeah.

What? I can't hear you.

Louder!

Yes.

Bachelor party.

I can't hear you. Louder!

Stick a finger in my ass!

That's weird.

You just wait.

Maybe we should just wait for Jim.

Fuck Jim, man! This is for us!

Take her top off.

My girlfriend has strict rules about this. No touching.

What are you, a dancing clown?

You wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, you punk-ass little bitch!

This is awesome!

You like that? Like it? How much? No!

Yeah, I do. Boob.

Sorry.

No, not yet. But you will be.

Like I said, this is awesome.

Hey, listen, I think we both know that Officer Krystal and me have this, you know...

Thing? Yeah.

No one has ever slapped my ass like that.

No one's ever pinched my nipple with such ferocity.

I'm a master of the Tantric art.

I look at her body and I just see the chakras and the things I could do to her and...

You, you look cute. Thank you.

You, you're the cute one.

Stiffy, how slimming is this?

What the fuck, Buffalo Bill?

What? The pink too much?

It puts the dress in the drawer and does as it's told.

Dude, now that's fucked up.

That's fucked up.

And in closing, you have been a naughty, naughty girl.

You been naughty, Brandi? You been fucking naughty?

Fresh.

Take her top off!

Will you get to cleaning, you little bitch fucker.

Do you want to see us kiss?

Fuck, no!

None of that "you go, we go" bullshit.

We've already done that. Good of you.

I used to have this pet bass.

His name was Arnie, and he was so cute and he just loved me, too, you know. He would look at me...

Maybe you could dance.

Make this face like...

Or something like that. I don't know. It was great.

I miss Arnie, but...

Sometimes I watch the Discovery Channel.

I love that show.

I don't care!

Could you just dance for me, please?

No, that's my favorite... Well, was my favorite shirt.

Okay...

Hey.

What?

Nothing.

It's a crazy party, huh?

You don't worry about him. You don't worry about him.

He's a maniac. You're a maniac, you know that?

Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me?

I'm just surprised to see you don't have tits.

How can I clean you if you are not dirty?

Go put something on that I must clean off with my tongue.

Anything for a French person.

If you insist, fräulein.

Look at you, you pathetic little weasel.

Can't I just watch?

Look, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.

Hold on! Don't break character ever again, okay?

I don't care if Kevin starts crying because Finch bit his cock off.

You're a dirty cop, you're a prissy maid.

And I'm your filthy cabana boy in need of punishment and cleaning.

Don't you ever mouth off to Officer Krystal, you dirty little pervert! Okay.

Now obey! I obey!

Jesus.

Hey, guys, are we having dinner?

Let me get that.

Holy shit!

Stifler.

I've got something really nice cooking up for you inside.

Well, we love surprises.

Stifler, you said you spoke to Jim.

I did. I was secret about it and everything.

He said he'd be the only one here tonight.

What the fuck, Shitbreak?

It's chocolate.

I told everyone that you were up north with my parents.

So we won't be bothered. We can just totally relax. No worries.

Please come on in. Make yourselves at home. Right this way.

Thank you.

What?

Pink roses.

Pink roses.

They're nice, aren't they?

Yes, artificial. Nice try.

I almost got you.

So, has Michelle ever told you the story of how we fell in love?

Why don't you retell us now?

It's one of my favorite stories. Where should I begin?

Let's see...

Well, I suppose it all started at...

Tall Oaks.

That's right. At Tall Oaks.

That was the summer when...

The summer that was so hot!

So hot.

All right, look what I got.

Jesus!

Hey, there.

Guy, there!

Jim, I cannot believe you.

You can't?

You hired help on our account. That is entirely unnecessary.

But I will have some of that wine, sir.

Say please, Harold.

Please. Of course.

Absolutely.

It's what he's here for.

The wine. Obviously.

Evidently.

What else would you be here for?

And I certainly appreciate your courtesy, sir.

Yes, we have right here a 1999 Cabernet Say-vun-nun.

Full-bodied, masculine wine.

Just shouts sophistication.

James? Yes?

I can see you're very surprised to see me here.

Little bit.

I'm going to go check on the dogs.

Yes! In fact why don't you both go check on the dogs and...

No! Don't check on the dogs. They're fine.

How do you know?

Because I just checked on the dogs.

Because he checked on the dogs. I did.

Good work, man.

Jim, I'll help you with the turkey.

Okay.

And I'll keep you company.

Thank you.

So, how long have you been a sommelier, Mister...

Belvedere, ma'am.

Belvedere.

It's chilly in here.

So, how long do we have to stay in here for?

I don't know. They said to hide.

I guess we'll just wait for them to call us.

Who knows what kind of kinky shit they're getting ready for.

Do these go in your ass tonight, or mine?

You have a serving dish ready?

Jim, we need a serving dish.

Yeah, of course.

What?

Nothing.

Then why the excitement?

I thought the dish was broken.

Well, is it? No.

Then are you going to get it? Yes.

Here you go. One serving dish.

Excellent. Now what we need:

A cutting board.

No, stop!

What?

I will get it for you.

Nonsense, I can get a cutting board.

Let's see, there you go. This should do nicely.

I presume we're having white wine with the turkey.

Let me go check.

What happened here?

That's mud. I meant to clean that up this morning.

How embarrassing.

That's gonna stain. We're gonna need a mop.

I'll get it. It's in this closet.

No.

No, it's not.

It's in there.

It's not in this closet, because I moved it.

Where? I'll go get it.

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

You know why I don't remember is because I actually did not move it.

The cleaning lady did.

Your mother said you don't have a cleaning lady.

I don't know why she would say such a...

You called, master?

Holy...

Well, there you are. Hello.

How do you do?

Uh...

So, cleaning lady, we were wondering where the mop was.

Master put the mop in my fanny.

You what? Who put what where?

I did no such thing anywhere.

Shall I clean?

Harold!

Very well. It is so hot in here!

Holy Jesus!

Brandi, Brandi, what are you doing?

You're not in Eastern Europe anymore.

You can't do that. I am so sorry about my cousin.

She's not used to our customs.

Jim, I apologize for recommending her to you.

Here's this, by the way.

Got the mop.

Brandi, you left the mop in the car.

Now remember, it's called a car, not a fanny.

Remember last time when you wanted me to take a ride in your fanny.

Dear, I'm so sorry.

You know what? We should probably just go.

I'm so sorry about this.

I came by to make sure everything was in order.

The food smells great.

Au revoir.

Jim, you have unique friends.

Harold!

Let's get that cleaned up.

I think I saw some Pine-Sol in here, too.

My gosh! Baby, Mary and Joseph.

My Lord!

He's okay.

Are you all right?

Who did this to you?

I'm sure he's okay. You okay?

Get some help! Harold, call the police!

All right!

Jesus.

I'll take charge from here!

My God, they are fast here. And nicely attired.

What's going on here?

She's here to protect and serve.

Quiet! Okay.

Who let this boy out of the closet?

You are all in for a hard punishment now.

Don't you touch him! He's been hurt.

No. This is hurt!

You can't do that.

Silence, fucker!

You like it.

Harold, what's gotten into you?

I meant...

Dirty whore. Shut your hole. Obey!

You can't do that.

You're a disgrace to the police force.

I'll be giving you an enema!

Hey, somebody untie me!

Wait, not the face. Back off!

All right, forget it. We give up.

Steven!

It's okay, Mary.

What's going on?

Listen, this isn't working, guys.

Krystal, you can drop the act. This isn't a real cop.

Kevin wasn't assaulted.

I just wanted to make Jim look good for you guys.

Like a real hero.

Kind of like me.

We hired a fake cop, tied up Kevin, and put him in the closet.

Jim was supposed to rescue him, untie him, give him mouth-to-mouth.

I don't know what he likes to do.

Then Paul Finch hired an exotic dancer instead of a real actor.

Jim, is this true?

Every word of it.

That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard.

You've embarrassed me, Harold, and Mr. Belvedere.

What?

It's all my fault. I'm a bad person.

You're not a bad person.

You were just trying to help out your best friend.

It was an awful idea, but I suppose it's the thought that counts.

You know, actually,

I never should have allowed such a crazy plan to happen in the first place.

If you're gonna blame anybody here, blame me.

I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't realize how much pressure we put on you.

I'm sure you both learned your lesson, and I suppose I understand.

Jim, if you put half as much energy into your marriage as you put into tonight, I'm confident that I can give you my blessing.

And, Steven, we still adore you, honey.

In fact, I think I know who should hold onto this.

We adore you. You'll take good care of it.

You've got to be kidding me.

No.

Lookit, Jim, Kevin. Boy, this really makes me important to the wedding.

Yes.

Well, Mr. Belvedere, it's gonna be one fucked-up wedding.

Absolutely.

Drive carefully. More bags in the study.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Is there any room for me?

Nope.

I'll just drive up north all by myself.

That sounds good. We'll see you later.

No, I'll drive with you.

Thanks, Cadence. Beautiful lady.

Hey... I know. Shut up. Kevin!

So, my mom found the dogs playing with something unusual this morning.

What?

I told her it was a neck massager.

These are great.


He's hilarious.

Yes.

That kind of thing is so lethargic to me.

What do you mean?

I'm not sure.

Mr. Stifler, I already told you you called two days ago and canceled your reservation.

Since you now wish to stay here, I thought you could persuade Mr. Finch to share his room.

Hey, Shithead, I didn't cancel my reservation.

Mr. Fuckface Finch called here.

And Mr. Idiot Behind the Desk canceled it.

Christof, please pardon my friend's uncouth behavior.

I did no such thing.

Nor did I, sir.

And your rudeness and obscenities won't change anything.

Well then, I guess it doesn't matter if I call you a crotchface, you ball-scratching fucker.

Or better yet, go blow your dad.

My dad? Hear, hear.

While you're there, stick a finger up both their asses while you're down there.

Finch, rudeness and obscenity won't change anything.

Grow a sack, fill it with some balls, magically sprout a dick, shove it up your ass, and start fucking yourself like, "Yeah, baby!"

You going with what I'm saying?

This is disgusting.

Why don't you go dust with your perverse European cousin?

Is she here?

Unbelievable.

I'd like to book a tee time for my husband and a European pumpkin peel facial for me, please.

Make that two.

You'll have a fun weekend, Ma.

I am missing my soap.

Don't you worry about your soaps.

Will you push faster? I'm tired.

And wait till you meet Michelle.

You're gonna love her. She's sweet as sugar.

I can't eat sugar.

I know, because you're diabetic.

You know, Ma, I know things haven't been going well for you. I know that.

But wait till you see Jim standing up there at the altar tomorrow.

If ever there was a time to be happy and smile the biggest smile, now is the time.

Okay, okay. I'm overjoyed.

That's a start.

Proud grandmother coming through.

Grandson's getting married tomorrow.

You think she's happy now, wait till tomorrow.

"Congratulations."

"Grooming."


You got bigger.

The flowers stay refrigerated until morning...

I'm sure they will.

They're so pretty...

Jimmy, no!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hope you'll be more careful with the next one.

My kitchen is not a toilet, okay?

Boy, pubic hair was just not an issue when I was dating.

The ladies never complained when they were, you know, down in that general area...

Okay, if you never mention that ever again, that'd be great.

Shouldn't have brought it up.

So, can I see the ring?

Nope. I promised to keep it safe.

It's not leaving my pocket.

Okay, Frodo.

You really care about this wedding, don't you?

I'm gonna cry at the ceremony. I know it.

Are you just saying all of this?

I mean, do you act differently around certain people?

Namely me?

Of course not. Why? Do you act differently around me?

Generally, I'm just me. If people don't like it, that's their problem.

Yeah. Fuck those fuckers.

What?

I didn't...

No, you're right. Fuck 'em.

Hey, Harold and Mary!

Hi, kids.

How's it going?

Come on. Thanks for watching the dogs.

I love these guys. Hey, guys, want more Snausages? Huh?

There you go.

Eat 'em up. Give me some.

There you go.

I don't think I have any left.

What's wrong?

Shit.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You kissed Stifler?

Yeah. But then he freaked.

It's like he's been paying more attention to the dogs than me.

Can I stop worrying then?

Michelle, he's been nothing but nice to me.

I mean, do you think he really likes you?

I don't know. I hope he likes me. I mean, I think he likes me.

Yeah, I guess I hope he likes me.

Do it.

Don't fuck around. Just relax and let it go.

I'm sick of waiting.

Do it for Daddy.

Will you just take a shit already?

Great.

You fed the ring to the dogs, didn't you?

Of course not!

You have been staring at those dogs like a hawk all day.

I'm a dog lover.

By the way, apparently you missed when Cadence kissed me.

Slight tongue action, too. It was something like this.

You're a terrible liar, Stifler.

If I were lying, I'd think of something better than a kiss.

Maybe a blow job or some tittie grabbing.

No pussy for you, Finch.

Fucking right, doggy! It's about goddamn time!

Jackpot!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.


Thanks, assholes.

Yeah, maybe you can call him.

Okay.

Steve, come over here.

Uh...

I'm a little busy.

With what? Come on over. We need you.

Get over here, you little rascal.

We were talking about Michelle's wedding band. Could I see it?

No. No?

I don't have it. What?

You mean you lost it?

Of course not.

I'm keeping it safe in my room, you silly Sally!

Thank goodness. I apologize.

That's fine. I'll see it later.

Okay. All right, then.

What do you have in your hand?

This one?

No, the other one.

It's a chocolate truffle.

Ooo! Yummy.

Where did you get that?

The caterer said she was saving the truffles for tomorrow.

You sneaky devil.

Well, hey, I managed to sneak one right past her.

Come on, this woman loves chocolate.

At least give her a tiny nibble.

Give it to Momma.

Momma don't want this. This is the only piece that I have.

Idiot.

Break it in half. Come on.

You know what?

Let's just leave the surprises till tomorrow.

It's gonna be a great day.

I'd like my surprise right now.

No, it's mine. Come on!

Give it to me. No.

Give the darn truffle.

Steven, that is so selfish.

It's good.

Is it? Is it sweet?

It's so sweet.

Close your mouth when you chew, Steven.

Don't do that.

At least you could describe to the lovely woman how delicious it is.

Well, tastes like twigs and berries.

Is it Swiss or French chocolate?

Maybe German.

Really? Is it creamy?

Yeah, it's creamy.

Easy to go down, right?

Well, I'm trying to savor the flavor right now.

Is it fresh?

It's so fresh.

Nothing better than when they're fresh.

Nothing better.

The problem is you can't eat just one, can you?

No, you can't.

But you've got to know when to stop, don't you?

You really do, but it's hard. It's really hard.

Droppings from the gods.

Get me another one, darling. Come on.

You selfish boy. Next time, bring enough for everybody.

Let's keep this to ourselves? Okay?

Okay.

I gotta go, okay.

Don't have any more, because it's gonna spoil your appetite.

Okay. Hey, look, man, I gotta go.

Grandma, I want you to meet some people.

Grandma, this is Michelle.

I'm so proud to be joining your family.

She's real pretty, huh?

Isn't it great? We're getting married.

It's amazing, Gram.

Not Jewish! No wedding, Jimmy! No wedding.

Forget it. Grandma.

A goyeh!

Shit.

Jim, she hates me.

My God!

Grandma, look, we love each other.

Michelle and I love each other very much.

That's all that matters. Grandma? Grandma?

Michelle? Michelle?

But Grandma's okay? She's okay.

Yeah, Dad. She's okay. She's just a little tired.

My mother hasn't been well. She's been feeling...

When your dad sees the look on Grandma's face, it's gonna break his heart. Because of me.

It's not because of you. Michelle, it's not because of you at all.

It's because Grandma thinks it's 1801.

Look, don't worry. I'll come up with something.

I promised you the wedding of your dreams and I'm not gonna let anything ruin it.

I would like to propose a toast.

These last few weeks have really been something for my lovely wife and me.

We have met some people we didn't know existed.

We've experienced some things we didn't think were possible.

We've always tried to make the best of every situation.

This is a good situation.

That's what I'm saying. This is a wonderful situation.

The coming together of two families from different backgrounds.

So to our new son-in-law, may we say Éireann go Bráugh.

And to our lovely daughter Michelle, L'Chaim.

Did I get that right? Very good.

And let's hope we can sit many happy shivas together.

Here's to a wonderful wedding.

Cheers.

See that, Shitbreak? I told you I won.

Hey. Hey.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I freaked you out with the whole kiss thing.

You didn't freak me out.

I just wanted to let you know that you make me feel special.

I think you're the most special girl I've ever known.

Maybe you'd want to make things extra special tonight.

Which room is yours?

I'm crashing at Kevin's.

Damn.

But I saw a big, fluffy linen closet at the end of the main hallway.

Yes. Big, fluffy linen closet is good.

Okay.

Midnight? Yeah.

All right. Okay.

I'm going to have-a sex-a with-a Cadence I'm going to have-a sex-a with-a Cadence Whoo!

Jesus! You fucking stalker!

You're not a very stealthy thief.

Really? Guess what, Shitbreak?

It's a wedding. Everything's free.

What do you want?

Stifler, Jim's grandma doesn't approve of the wedding.

We're trying to run interference, and, reluctantly, I am asking for your help.

Sorry, Finchmeister, I got plans with Cadence.

Stifler, maybe you could forget about your dick for one second and actually be useful.

Fuck you, Finch. You didn't eat shit, okay?

You didn't prance around like a ballerina for the whole week.

Wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special.

We're all just a bunch of special fuckers, aren't we?

You know what? I'm-a gonna get laid, Finchfucker.

And it's gonna be oh-so-good.

It's gonna be like, "You like this shit, momma?"

She's gonna be like, "Fucking right, doggy. Give it to me!

"Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow."

Like...

You been here long?

Shit.

Yeah...

Cadence, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce you to the real Steve Stifler.

Hi.

Pumpkin.

You are quite the gentleman, Stifler.

You could've told me she was behind me.

Between Grandma, Stifler, and Cadence... The cake.

I mean, are you kidding me?

You know, I thought I had grown out of this sort of behavior.

But I keep messing up. These things keep happening to me.

If I can't bring it together for one day, how am I gonna hold it together for the rest of our lives?

I'm really afraid this is how it's always gonna be.

Yeah, but you always manage to get yourself into serious shit, and somehow you always come out of it better than you went in.

I don't know how, but you do.

Everything is gonna be fine.

Yeah...

You need to come into the kitchen right now. There's... Yeah.

Jesus, now what?

There is no way to remake all these in time, is there?

Something must have disrupted the power.

The compressors need time to reset after a power loss or they overheat.

Essentially, it turns the refrigerator into an oven.

Stifler was in here earlier flipping switches.

Michelle, I am so sorry.

Hey.

Those flowers look hideous.

That's 'cause you killed them, Stifler.

You've ruined everything.

What are you talking about?

You obviously don't care about this wedding, or anyone in it.

Cadence...

Jim?

Shitbreak, come on.

Maybe you should just leave, Stifler.

Fine. Adiós.


Fuckers! It's not my fault!

I'm not an electrical Einstein. I'm not...

Damn it.

Fuck!

Hey, flower fuckers, you there?

"Zyskowski."

Hello? Are you awake?

Shit. Come on. Come on. Anybody awake?

Are you Ms. Zyskowski?

Who are you?

I'm the guy who just killed all the flowers for the Levenstein-Band Geek wedding.

What?

Yeah, I'm that guy.

Now, what I need you to do is drag your ass down to your little store, gather up some flowers, slice them, dice them, jam them all together, and cart that crap down to the wedding.

Are you completely insane?

You have no idea.

Even if I overlooked the fact that this is the rudest thing I have ever encountered, there is no time to redo all that work.

I had four assistants working two full days on that wedding.

I'm sorry. It's impossible.

We don't quit at halftime, ma'am!

You don't score until you score!

That's the spirit, sweetheart.

Come on. Fuck the pain.

You guys keep working this hard, we'll be able to beat the Wildcats.

You remember how tough they were last year.

Come on. Let's see some determination.

Determination!

Hold the vase. That's it!

Come on. Come on, keep working!

Good, Connor. Very good.

Good, DeBoer. It really sucks. Go fix it.

Hey, party guy, having a good time? Can I get you a gin and tonic?

Hold on a second. Hello? Okay. It's for you.

It's get to work, fucker.

We are gathered here today to join these two great people in a blessed union and blah-da-blah-da-blah and crap.

Coach? This is kind of gay.

Yeah, it is.

Good work.

Hey, no problem.

So, you got a date for this thing?

Don't push it. Sorry.

Holy shit.

How the hell did this happen?

It's a miracle.

Stifler.

Save it, dickhead. I'm working.

You're an asshole.

I know.

You really are an asshole.

Thanks.

I don't do apologies so good.

Well, you get an "A" for effort. This is amazing.

Cool. I was always kind of a "C" student.

So did you do all this just to have sex with me or because you really care about the wedding?

Both.

And...

I really like you.

What?

I like you.

That's an honest answer.

I gotta go.

Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl, and meant it.

This is huge.

It's like watching monkeys use tools for the first time.

Are you still pissed about me and Cadence?

No, let's see, she wasn't into the heavy intellectual stuff.

She actually liked me being that imbecile.

No. Somehow, I think she's probably better off with you.

Thanks, Shitbreak.

Dick. I fucking hate not hating you.

I did fuck your mom.

Twice.

That's better, fucker!

Ready to go?

The wedding's not for another hour.

No, I mean you and me.

Hold on.

Do I still got to do this bullshit meeting?

Stifler, you are not bailing on Jim.

Shit! Give me 10 minutes?

I'll meet you at the closet.

At the closet.

You wanted to see me, Michelle?

Okay. Sit.

So, Jim said that you've always kind of been there for him when he needed you.

So I thought maybe you could help me.

Jim said that?

What's the problem?

I still can't get my vows right.

I haven't been this confused since I got my first period.

That's a very confusing time for any young lady.

You know, your body is going through changes.

Stuff coming out, stuff going in.

No. I need help with my vows, not my period.

Your vows. Your vows.

Yes, good. Go on.

Jim just wants a groomsmen meeting before the wedding.

It shouldn't take long. Just don't let her talk to anyone.

All right.

Be careful. She's feisty.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, guys. Thanks for coming out here and meeting me.

I just have a couple of things I want to say.

This sucks.

Did I say that out loud?

Keep going. It's good.

You know, I thought about what you said, Kev, about how my problems always seem to work out.

And I realized that the reason things always work out is because you guys have always been there to back me up.

Even you, Stifler.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I can't mess anything up.

Which is pretty amazing.

So I guess I just wanted to say thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks? This whole thing was about thanks?

You're welcome, cock block.

That was good, Jim. Real nice.

Let's get you married.

Okay.

Love is very difficult to describe.

And I understand the angst. I mean, it's your wedding.

And it's natural. It's perfectly natural.

But it's impossible to describe a feeling.

Okay, first, nothing is impossible.

So let's not focus on that.

Why do you think, Michelle, they call it making love?

I don't know. I just call it boning.

"Boning"?

When you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not boning, how does he make you feel?

Horny, like I want to bone.

But we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.

You've never tried it?

I certainly have. I have. I've boned.

From sunrise, right through brunch, on more than one occasion.

But boning aside, I think they call it making love because you have to make love work.

You know, it's about compromise and sacrifice and I think Jim has sacrificed for you.

My God, he shaved his entire pubic region, which would baffle most cultures around the world, but he did it.

And he did it for you.

You're right. Love isn't just a feeling.

It's shaving your balls.

Thanks, Dad.

I wouldn't get into too much detail on that, dear.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Yeah. Excuse me. Touch me. Fuck me.

I'm gonna have sex with Cadence.

You know, Son, I think this is probably the right time to tell you that...

I know, Dad.

I can't see anything here.

There you are.

Guys, what are you doing? Where's Jim's grandma?

The old bitch sucked. We had to ditch her.

You what?

Don't worry. We put her someplace no one will find her.

Cadence, where are you going?

Mom.

Baby, I'm so ready for this.

Your body's not quite what I was expecting. But that's okay.

The Stiffman digs what's underneath.

You are so beautiful.

I just wanted...

Stifler!

Granny.

Granny what?

Focus! Focus! Focus!

It's not what it looks like!

Shut the fucking door!

You got it, champ.


You're a hero.

Hey, pussy's pussy.

Look at the smile on my mother's face.

Do you know how long she's been waiting for a day like this?

I can't imagine.

I couldn't be happier.

Thank you.

Don't.

Good luck. Thank you, sir.

What made Grandma come around?

Finch said Stifler talked to her.

Stifler?

Grandmotherfucker.

You're a motherfucker.

Yes, I am.

You son of a bitch.

And I promise to love you for as long as I shall live.

Michelle, you are the one woman I want to be with and the woman I can't be without.

I love you.

Jim, I had trouble finding the words to tell you how I feel and I realized something.

Love isn't just a feeling.

Love is something you do.

It's a dress, a visit to band camp, a special haircut.

Jim, you've given me everything I've ever wanted, and it is my solemn vow to give everything I am to you.

Thanks.

James Emanuel Levenstein and Michelle Annabeth Flaherty, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Let's all welcome Mr. And Mrs. Jim and Michelle Levenstein onto the dance floor.

Just follow my lead.

I'll try.


I taught him that.

Jim, you learnt to dance.


Well, it seems like everything worked out.

Magnificently.

I feel a bit sad that tonight our little Michelle is gonna be a woman.

Honey, you don't honestly believe that Michelle is still a...

I tell you, Mary, I can't recall a single moment with either one of them that would make me think otherwise.

Thank you. See?

Hey, tough guy.

Stifler's mom.

Well, we meet again.

I was curious. Didn't see you here.

I try to keep a low profile.

I never really did like these things, anyway.

You know, this has actually made quite an impression on me.

I have something to look for in a woman now.

Well, if this is your idea of a proposal, Finchy, you gotta know that I'm over you now.

And I'm over you.

But as they say, we will always have Paris.

And the pool table.

And the car.

And the two-room suite I have upstairs.

Come here.

This turned out better than I could ever imagine.

How did a little perv like you turn into such a great guy?

How did a little nympho like you turn into such a great girl?

I'm still a nympho.

I'm still a perv.

I know. What's wrong with us?

You did it.

You know, Michelle, to quote someone I've learned quite a bit from, I think you and I are

"a perfectly natural, normal thing."

Perfectly natural.

That's her.

Holy shit, dude.

I told you this wedding would be worth it.

My goddess. My queen.

My MILF. MILF.

No way, bro.

Hey, you're not finished yet, are you, Finchy?

No, ma'am. Just getting started.

This guy is the fucking master.

No!

Make it stop. Make it stop.