An Actor Prepares (2018) Script

AFTER HIS EARLY WORK IN THE THEATER IN LONDON AND NEW YORK, FILM AUDIENCES FIRST MET ATTICUS SMITH IN 1978'S TENSE DRAMA OF SEXUAL MORES, "NEVER LOOK BACK."

HE WON A GOLDEN GLOBE IN 1981 FOR HIS PERFORMANCE AS A TORTURED VINCENT VAN GOGH IN "STARRY NIGHT."

AND IN 1984, HIS FIRST ACADEMY AWARD FOR HIS ROLE AS A SHELL-SHOCKED, SUICIDAL ARMY CAPTAIN THE VIETNAM EPIC, "CHARLIE EVERYWHERE."

HE WON HIS SECOND ACADEMY AWARD FOR HIS PORTRAYAL OF A DEAF MUTE POSTMAN ON TRIAL FOR MURDER IN "THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT."

AND JUST LAST YEAR, HE WON THE HEARTS OF A YOUNGER AUDIENCE WITH HIS STRIKINGLY COMEDIC PERFORMANCE AS A WEARY DETECTIVE PARTNERED UP WITH A DROOLING BLOODHOUND NAMED SLOBBERS.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT THE BELOVED COMEDY, "COPS AND SLOBBERS."

SO, LET'S BRING HIM OUT HERE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ATTICUS SMITH.

THEY'RE SAYING YOU'RE UP.

I KNOW. I'M GOING.

I NEVER GOT ON VERY WELL WITH MY FATHER.

HE WAS NEVER MUCH AT HOME, BUT I REMEMBER ONE THING HE SAID ON ONE OF HIS RARE VISITS, AND THAT WAS THAT IF YOU WERE GIVEN A MODICUM OF TALENT, YOU SHOULD WEAR IT WITH A LIGHTNESS AND A GRACE.

WELL, I SEEMED TO HAVE FAILED ON THAT SCORE.

THIS IS TERRIBLE. WHO WROTE THIS?

I WROTE IT? HMM...

SO MANY FRIENDS, SO MANY LEGENDS.

EVEN PEOPLE WHO FIRED ME IN THE PAST.

WHAT I... WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY IS THAT I HATE THESE AWARDS.

I MEAN, LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT?

I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH.

I MEAN, THERE'S SOME YOU OUT THERE WHO ARE TWICE AS OLD AS ME, AND YOU HAVEN'T HAD YOUR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS.

SO, LET'S KEEP GOING. MORE FRIENDS, MORE FILMS, BECAUSE, BELIEVE ME, THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET.

ALL RIGHT, WELCOME TO "WOMEN IN FILM: CINEMA THROUGH THE FEMINIST LENS."

I'M ADAM... ARE YOU A SUB?

NO, I'M NOT A SUB, I'M YOUR NEW PROFESSOR.

BUT ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FROM A FEMINIST VIEWPOINT?

LOOK, FEMINISM IS MORE THAN JUST WOMEN'S LIBERATION.

IT'S ALSO MALE LIBERATION.

HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN MY ANITA LOOS DOCUMENTARY?

WASN'T THAT AT SUNDANCE THIS YEAR?

NO, IT CAME OUT IN 2007.

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON NOW?

IT'S A NEW DOCUMENTARY, IT'S KIND OF A FOLLOW UP TO MY LAST FILM.

IT'S MORE CONFRONTATIONAL.

IT CALLS OUT A LOT OF FEMINISTS FOR NOT GOING FAR ENOUGH.

I GUESS IT'S KIND OF LIKE A TRILOGY, BUT WITHIN ONE FILM.

THE SECOND HALF KIND OF CONTRADICTS THE FIRST HALF.

IT'S, UH...

I KNOW, IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN OUT OF CONTEXT.

IS ATTICUS SMITH YOUR DAD?

I'M ON YOUR WIKIPEDIA PAGE. IT SAYS HE'S YOUR FATHER.

SHUT UP, HE'S FAMOUS.

"FATHER" IS KIND OF A STRONG WORD...

YOU TOTALLY LOOK LIKE HIM.

HE WAS SO HOT.

DID YOU SEE "FIVE DAY FUCK"?

THE SCENE WITH THE BUTTERSCOTCH?

OKAY, LET'S NOT GET HUNG UP ON THIS, PLEASE.

WAIT, IT SAYS YOU WERE IN A MOVIE WITH HIM.

YEAH, THAT WAS, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

"THROWDOWN AT BITCH RIVER."

YOU'RE CREDITED AS "SALOON BOY."

CAN WE JUST TRY TO GET BACK ON THE SYLLABUS HERE?

BITCH RIVER? THAT SOUNDS KIND OF SEXIST.

HE WAS SO CUTE!

MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

AUGUST. SUN BEATING DOWN.

WE WERE SHOOTING... WE'D BEEN UP THERE FOR SIX WEEKS SHOOTING "THROWDOWN AT BITCH RIVER."

AND DICK HARRIS AND I WERE COCKEYED.

I MEAN, IT WAS HOTTER THAN A CROTCH.

THIS IS GONNA MAKE "LORD OF THE RINGS" LOOK LIKE SOME INDIE PILE OF CRAP.

I KNOW, I KNOW. AND I SAW HIM DOING COKE IN THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

THAT'S NOT COKE, THAT'S A CHINESE HERBAL SUPPLEMENT.

HE'S GOT TO SNORT IT THROUGH HIS...

DID YOU SEE HIM SNORTING THROUGH HIS NOSE?

HE'S TOO OLD TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

DICK, HE PULLED OUT THIS PROP COLT .45, POINTED IT AT HIM. WELL, THE GUY WENT WHITE!

HE WAS SHITTING HIMSELF!

HE'S PLAYING GOD, LITERALLY.

I KNOW. I NEGOTIATED THE DEAL.

WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

YOU TOOK US TO THE WALL ON THAT ONE. I SURE DID.

IT FELT GOOD TO FUCK YOU. YOU HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.

HEY. OH.

DO YOU KNOW...

MY FAVORITE CHILD IS GETTING MARRIED IN TEN DAYS?

MARRIED.

ANNABEL, MY LITTLE GIRL.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FAVORITES.

WERE YOU DOING COKE IN THE BATHROOM?

THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS.

EVERY PARENT HAS FAVORITES.

OH, JESUS, COULD YOU HOLD THIS RIDICULOUS THING FOR ME?

MY ARM'S HURTING.

WHY DOES YOUR ARM HURT?

I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY FROM LIFTING MY COCK.

OKAY, STOP. YOU CAN'T BE DOING THIS IN FRONT OF ALL THE STUDIO EXECS, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T BE SUCH A SUIT.

YOUR DAD WOULD BE EMBARRASSED.

FUCK YOU. THE GAME HAS CHANGED.

RIGHT. THIS IS YOUR "GAME OF FUCKING THRONES,"

YOU'RE NOT EVEN ACTING LIKE IT'S ANYTHING AT ALL. OW, JESUS!

YOU ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU OKAY?

STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! ARE YOU OKAY?

80S GIVE WAY TO 70S.

THAT WILL STAY FOR WEDNESDAY.

SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT HEAT, THE RELIEF IS COMING IN AS WE HEAD ON THROUGH THIS WEEK.

HERE'S THE EXTENDED FORECAST NOW.

THERE ARE UPPER 70S TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY...

BEFORE WE GO BACK TO SAM, SOME NEWS JUST COMING IN.

THE ACTOR ATTICUS SMITH HAS BEEN HOSPITALIZED IN LOS ANGELES.

THE 70-YEAR-OLD, THREE-TIME ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING STAR OF SUCH FILMS AS "THE LANGUAGE OF MEN"

AND "FOUR STAR GENERAL"

IS REPORTEDLY IN STABLE CONDITION AFTER COLLAPSING AT AN EVENT LAST NIGHT.

MR. SMITH WAS REPORTEDLY SET TO START SHOOTING THE FILM "GOD,"

PLAYING THE TITULAR ROLE.

WE WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED... "GOD"?

MR. SMITH? YEAH?

THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW.

STYLE, GRACE, POWER.


HE'S DOING FINE. I'M LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT NOW.

HE'S DOING AMAZING. WHAT?

THE MOVIE DOESN'T EVEN START FILMING TILL OCTOBER. WE NEED HIM HEALTHY.

WHAT IS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. THERE'S SO MUCH RADIATION HERE.

CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO? I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

HEY, EVERYTHING IS GREAT, RIGHT? JIMMY, STOP I CAN HEAR YOU...

HEY, DR. FISCHER? OH, MY GOD.

DR. FISCHER, WHAT'S THE SITUATION?

IT'S THE SAME.

DR. GEORGES PROBABLY WANTS TO OPERATE ON HIM AS EARLY AS NEXT WEEK.

NO! NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?

SHH, SHH, SHH. NO, LISTEN TO ME, HIS DAUGHTER'S WEDDING IS NEXT WEEK.

IT'S THE ONLY PERSON HE LOVES MORE THAN HIMSELF AND ME AND MY DAD.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IS HE OKAY? HE'S UP.

CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND YOU. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME WHERE THE FUCK I AM?

GOOD GOD.

I HAVEN'T SEEN LEGS LIKE THAT ON A NURSE SINCE THE 70S WHEN THEY WERE ALLOWED TO WEAR SHORT SKIRTS.

I'M DR. FISCHER.

LIE BACK. DOCTOR?

YOU'VE HAD A HEART ATTACK.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH FOR ME.

RELAX.

JIMMY!

GOOD GOD. EASY.

THERE YOU GO.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT'S GOING ON? EASY. EASY.

WHO LET THAT JACKASS IN HERE? IS HE OKAY?

WHAT'S HE DOING SLEEPING ON A TEDDY BEAR?

IS HE HALLUCINATING? I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S MY GODDAMN SON.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO GET HIM I GOT A TERRIBLE THIRST. CAN I HAVE A DRINK?

YES DON'T GET HIM. DON'T GET... OH.

HEY, TEDDY BEAR.

ADAM.

JUST LITTLE SIPS.

MM.

THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T LOOK THAT BAD.

YOU LOOK LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN'S NUTSACK.

IT'S A BEARD.

NO SHIT.

YOU IN PAIN?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A HEART ATTACK?

IT'S LIKE BEING SHOT IN THE CHEST WITH A FAT PERSON.

CAN YOU JUST ANSWER FROM A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN INSTEAD OF ABSURD METAPHORS?

ABSURD? LOOK, I WAS IN MOROCCO SHOOTING "LOVE IN THE SANDS" AND I SAW A 400-POUND ARAB BEING SHOT OUT OF A CANNON AT A CIRCUS.

HOW'D IT HAPPEN?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE HE CLIMBED UP A LADDER.

OR PERHAPS THEY LOWERED HIM IN ON A CRANE.

HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT... IT WAS 30 YEARS AGO FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

HE HAD MAJOR ARTERIAL BLOCKAGE.

SO, WHAT, IS HE DYING? EXCUSE MY FRENCH, BUT WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF?

YEAH, I'M DONE.

GOOD. OH.

THESE ARE FOR YOU, BY THE WAY.

THANK YOU. YEAH.

MEN DON'T BRING OTHER MEN FLOWERS, BY THE WAY.

THEY'RE FROM ANNABEL, ASSHOLE.

I BROUGHT YOU A FLAGON OF WHISKEY AND A CAROUSEL OF WHORES!

OH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT. WELL, SHOW THEM IN THEN, HOTSHOT!

EASY. STAY CALM.

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

WELL, THANK GOD HE'S OKAY.

YEAH, WELL, ATTICUS ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE OKAY.

LISTEN, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHAT?

WHAT?

I LOATHE HIM. I...

NO. NO, NO, NO.

DON'T SAY THAT.

DO YOU WANT HISTORY TO REPEAT ITSELF WHEN WE HAVE OUR OWN LITTLE FAMILY?

ARE WE THINKING ABOUT THAT?

WELL, WE'RE NOT...

WE'RE NOT NOT THINKING OF IT.

YEAH, I...

ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU SOUND KIND OF STRANGE.

ADAM? YEAH. I'M...

HOW'S THE SCORE GOING, BY THE WAY?

GREAT. YEAH?

IAN'S AMAZING, LIKE YOU SAID.

I BROUGHT YOUR OLD LAPTOP BECAUSE MINE CRASHED.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

AND, OH, I FORGOT HOW FUCKING AWESOME CRUMPETS ARE.

MMM.

PROBABLY GAINED A FEW STONE.

I JUST MISS YOU. I'M SORRY.

JUST A WEEK TILL ANNABEL'S.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

SO, I NEED THIS LIKE I NEED TITS.

OH, MY GOD, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU WITH BIG MILKIES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OKAY, OKAY, WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

WE CAN'T INSURE HIM. HE'S FIRED.

HE'S GONNA BE FINE, OKAY?

YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGHT ROSES OR SOMETHING.

A GESTURE TO SHOW... HEY, JUST REMEMBER, I CAN MAKE ONE PHONE CALL WHILE I TAKE MY MORNING SHIT...

OKAY. AND GET ANY ACTOR I WANT TO REPLACE HIM.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE TO REPLACE HIM, OKAY?

COME ON, GO SEE HIM. COME ON, IT'S FINE.

DON'T TOUCH ME. I'M COMING.

JIMMY!

JACK!

THIS IS THE HEAD HONCHO. IT'S GOOD OF YOU TO...

I'M NOT GONNA BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

YEAH?

I NEED TO PROTECT THIS FRANCHISE.

I NEED YOU HEALTHY.

LISTEN, JACK, IT'S JUST A LITTLE OPERATION AND I'M GOING TO BE FLYING.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DOCTOR?

OKAY, NURSE WILL BE IN SHORTLY.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR. HE'S GONNA BE GREAT. THANK YOU.

I BET SHE'S MATCHES AND GASOLINE IN THE SACK, WOULDN'T YOU SAY, JACK?

I CAN HEAR YOU. YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THE RULES.

I'M A GOOD SOLDIER, YOU KNOW ME. DON'T BE CUTE.

LOOK, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, JACK.

YOU'LL WEAR YOURSELF OUT STANDING THERE.

CAN YOU KEEP IT CLEAN?

YEAH, SURE.

NO DRINKING, NO DRUGGING?

YEAH... NO FUCKING?

OH, COME ON, I'M AN OLD MAN NOW.

DON'T DICK AROUND WITH ME.

THIS ISN'T LIKE IT USED TO BE WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND FREE.

I MEAN, I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO MY SHAREHOLDERS NOW.

I ANSWER TO A BOARD, AND LIKE IT OR NOT, SO DO YOU.

YEAH, WELL, ALL RIGHT. I GET IT.

NO TITS, TOOTS, OR SIPS.

I NEED YOUR WORD, ATTICUS.

YOU HAVE MY WORD! YOU HAVE JIMMY'S WORD, TOO.

YEAH, THERE'S NO TITS, TATS OR TIPS... THERE'S NONE OF IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, I MEAN... COME ON, JACK, WE GO BACK.

WE'RE GONNA DO THIS SHOW WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.

OKAY.

OKAY, I GOT TO GET BACK.

GET BETTER. GOOD OF YOU TO COME.

THANKS FOR COMING BY, JACK.

THAT MEANS A LOT. I APPRECIATE IT, BUDDY.

GIVE MY LOVE TO MAYBELLINE.

YEAH, YEAH.

SO, DAD, HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW? ARE YOU OKAY?

SWEETHEART, I'M FINE. I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER.

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

DAD, COME ON, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?

YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL. HE WAS DOING COKE!

WHAT? OKAY.

JESUS CHRIST, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'M GONNA SMASH YOUR FACE.

YOUR BROTHER IS HERE, UNFORTUNATELY.

DO NOT FIGHT WITH HIM.

YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP YOUR STRESS LEVELS DOWN.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO THE DOCTORS?

YES, YES, YES, DR. FISCHER'S GOT ME WELL UNDER CONTROL.

SHE'S GONNA HAVE ME OUT LOOKING BRIGHT AND BREEZY FOR THE WEDDING.

NO, YOU NEED TO STAY PUT.

WHAT? YOU'RE GONNA POSTPONE IT?

NO, WE CAN'T CHANGE THE DATE, DAD.

MOM'S ALREADY PAID FOR EVERYTHING.

BUT TELL HER I'LL REIMBURSE HER.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S MY MONEY ANYWAY, TECHNICALLY.

YOUR MOTHER IS A BITCH.

IS DR. FISCHER THERE? OH, WOW.

DR. FISCHER IS ALWAYS HERE, LURKING. GREAT, PUT ME ON SPEAKER.

HI, ANNABEL. DR. FISCHER, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

OKAY, HE HAS SEVERE ARTERIAL BLOCKAGE.

HE'S GONNA NEED SURGERY IMMINENTLY SO THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

I'VE SPOKEN TO OUR SURGEON...

AND I'VE SPOKEN...

I'VE SPOKEN TO MY SURGEON IN NEW YORK, DR. ZISSER.

HE'S THE BEST HEART SURGEON IN AMERICA, PROBABLY IN THE WORLD.

AND HE'S GONNA DE-CLOG ME AFTER THE WEDDING IN PLENTY OF TIME FOR THE START DATE ON "GOD."

IS THAT RIGHT, JIMMY?

IF YOU DON'T DIE FIRST.

HE CANNOT FLY.

HE HAD ME LOOK INTO A MEDICAL BUS.

OR A FUCKING AMBULANCE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. WE CAN TURN ON THE SIRENS!

DR. ZISSER IS VERY GOOD.

WELL, THERE WE ARE. I'M CERTAINLY NOT GONNA HAVE ANYBODY ELSE CUT INTO ME, SO THE DECISION IS MADE.

TECHNICALLY, A MEDICAL BUS IS POSSIBLE. SO, WE HAVE A DEAL.

BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND... JIMMY CAN DRIVE ME.

I CAN'T DO IT. I HAVE OTHER CLIENTS.

GODDAMN IT, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY YOU GOT OTHER CLIENTS.

ADAM'S GONNA HAVE TO DRIVE YOU. WHAT? NO!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WHY THE FUCK AM I GETTING YELLED AT?

BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP. I'M SORRY, WE'RE JUST... WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING SOMETHING.

YOU THINK THIS HORSESHIT BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU ONLY AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP. IT DOESN'T.

IT BLEEDS INTO ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

DAD, THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO COME TO THIS WEDDING IS IF ADAM BRINGS YOU, I WANT YOU BOTH THERE, SO YOU DECIDE.

BELLA, YOU'RE REALLY BACKING US INTO A CORNER HERE.

YEAH, A BIG CORNER.

CAN YOU PUT ADAM ON?

WHY?

SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, HANG ON A SEC.

ADAM, HAVE I EVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING?

YES, MANY TIMES.

HONESTLY, ADAM, I'M STANDING HERE, I'M HAVING THIS CONVERSATION IN A WEDDING GOWN.

JUST GET OVER YOURSELVES AND GET HIM TO NEW YORK.

YOU SAVED MY LIFE, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

IT'S LUCY.

LUCY. MM-HMM.

WHAT A LOVELY LUCY YOU ARE.

THIS IS CLOPIDOGREL BISULFATE.

IT'S AN ANTIPLATELET DRUG.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE ONE EVERY DAY BEFORE THE OPERATION, OKAY?

IT'S ESSENTIAL.

I TOLD YOUR SON, GIVEN HIM INSTRUCTIONS AS WELL.

CAN I ENGAGE ON IT?

ENGAGE?

NO, NO.

YOU CANNOT ENGAGE WITH ANYONE OR ANYTHING.

THERE'S NO DRINKING, THERE'S NO SMOKING, THERE'S NO FRIED FOOD, THERE'S NO SUGAR. NO SUGAR?

YOU MENDED MY HEART.

IT IS WITH THE HEART THAT WE SEE TRULY.

THE ESSENTIALS ARE INVISIBLE TO THE EYE.

WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT, YOU ASSHOLE?

LUCY, SORRY WE DIDN'T MEET SOONER.

THANK YOU. YES.

MM, MM!

OH.

AU REVOIR. YEAH, OKAY, CIAO.

WHAT?

YOU'RE A VERY SAD, SAD MAN, AREN'T YOU?

OH, THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE PUSSY.

OH, FUCK ME.

I'M GONNA SHOWER UP.

POUR ME FOUR FINGERS OF SCOTCH, WILL YOU?

NO ICE.

IT'S 8:30 IN THE MORNING.

WELL, THEN BUZZ ROOM SERVICE AND GET SOME BLOODY MARYS AND WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DRINK.

OH.

♪ FIGARO ♪

♪ FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARO ♪

♪ FIGARO ♪

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHERE'S ROOM SERVICE, HUH?

I DIDN'T CALL THEM. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I WAS MEDITATING.

MEDITATING?

I THOUGHT THAT WENT OUT IN THE '70S.

COULD YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, PLEASE?

YOUR CROTCH IS IN MY FACE.

WELL, I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T INHERIT A DICK FROM MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

IT'S A HELL OF A LINE.

GOOD TO KNOW YOU WERE UP-CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH GRANDPA'S DICK.

DAMN HARD TO MISS.

LOOK, TRUST ME, I'M GOOD.

WELL, WHIP IT OUT THEN, LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

I'M NOT HAVING A DICK CONTEST WITH YOU.

WELL, THEN I REST MY CASE.

GOD, CAN YOU PUT YOUR OLD HAGGARD COCK AWAY, PLEASE?

IT LOOKS LIKE A ROTTEN BANANA.

LOOKS PRETTY GOOD TO ME.

CERTAINLY DOES THE JOB.

DAMN IT, THIS IS SHOTGUN WILLIE'S BUS.

THE LAST TIME I WAS ON THIS BUS WE WERE SHOOTING "BLOODY MARY MORNING."

WHOSE BUS? WILLIE GODDAMN NELSON.

NOPE. HE MUST BE PLAYING THE BOWL.

IT'S NOT WILLIE NELSON'S BUS. THIS IS YOUR BUS.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS ARNOLD, YOUR DRIVER.

HEY, I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

HEY, BROTHER. ARNOLD.

IT'S A PLEASURE. PUT IT THERE.

WHAT CHAPTER ARE YOU? FOURTH.

FOURTH? COME ON ABOARD.

SHOW ME THE SIGHTS, ARNOLD.

WAS THIS WILLIE'S BUS ONCE?

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? WHAT?

COME HERE, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

CAN I PUT THE BAGS DOWN? ARE YOU FUCKING...

WHAT IS GOING ON?

THE STUDIO IS FUCKING PISSED, OKAY?

THEY KNOW ABOUT THE ENTIRE TRIP.

HOW DO THEY KNOW?

BECAUSE MY ASSISTANT IS A FUCKING DICKHOLE WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT.

THAT GUY OVER THERE, THAT IS A SPY SENT FROM JACK.

HE'S ALSO A NURSE, SO IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG, YOU CAN LEAN ON HIM, BUT THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO KNOW, HE IS NOT ON OUR SIDE.

I'LL BE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH IN HERE.

UH-HUH. HERE'S YOUR WARDROBE IN HERE.

SHITTER IN HERE.

UH-HUH.

REFRIGERATOR.

TRASH.

COFFEE.

YOU GOT YOUR TV, YOUR STEREO, AND SURROUND SOUND.

ATTICUS DOES NOT HAVE MUCH FAMILY, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU SOLD HIM DOWN THE RIVER FUCKING YEARS AGO, AND HE BARELY SEES ANNABEL.

I SOLD HIM DOWN THE RIVER? YEAH, YOU DID.

HE WAS FUCKING AROUND ON MY MOTHER LIKE THE ENERGIZER BUNNY.

THAT'S MY FAULT? HE'S A COCKSMAN.

OH, THAT'S AN EXCUSE NOW, THAT HE'S A COCKSMAN? YES!

WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THIS? I'M NOT YOUR SHRINK.

I BARELY EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU FUCKING PROBABLY BROUGHT IT UP.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE IN THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

CALM DOWN. OKAY.

STOP, LISTEN, OKAY?

THE ONLY THING IN HIS GODDAMN LIFE THAT HE HAS IS HIS WORK, AND HE IS THIS CLOSE TO LOSING IT.

SO DO ME A FAVOR, ALL RIGHT? TAKE CARE OF HIM.

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME YOU HAVE LEFT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

FOR REAL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YEAH.

YOU EVER BEEN IN THE JOINT?

I DID A STRETCH AT SAN QUENTIN.

ME, TOO. WHAT'D THEY GET YOU FOR?

GRIEVOUS BODILY.

I DID TWO NIGHTS IN GEN POP FOR PREPARATION FOR "CROSS BAR."

YOU WERE BADASS IN THAT, MAN.

I WAS. YEAH.

GUT-SHANKED A SCREW WITH A TOOTHBRUSH.

AH!

LISTEN, MAN.

THIS KID'S REALLY JAMMING ME UP.

COULD YOU GET ME SOME BOOZE AND MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF...

YOU KNOW?

I'VE GOT 15 YEARS CLEAN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

CLEAN AND SOBER.

15... WHY?

BEST THING I EVER DONE, BROTHER.

OH, COME ON, CUT THE CRAP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE PAYING YOU...

NOT HAPPENING. I'LL DOUBLE IT.

THE STUDIO GIVES ME STUNTMAN WORK.

YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MUCH THAT PAYS IN RESIDUALS?


"IT CAME TO PASS AFTER THE DEATH OF ABRAHAM, GOD BLESSED HIS SON ISAAC.

ISAAC DWELT BY THE..."

ARE YOU READING THE BIBLE?

YEAH.

WHY?

PREPARATION.

FOR WHAT? DEATH?

IT'S RESEARCH.

THERE'S MORE TO PLAYING GOD THAN LEARNING THE FUCKING LINES.

CAN YOU GET PORN ON THAT?

ONE COULD, I DON'T.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK, COME ON.

HERE, GIVE ME THE... WHAT DO YOU PRESS?

I'M LOOKING AT MARK AND ANNABEL'S WEDDING REGISTRY.

MARK.

WHAT'S MARK'S BACKGROUND?

HE WAS A JOCK. HE USED TO PLAY FOR THE CUBS.

HE USED TO BE THEIR STAR PITCHER OR SOMETHING.

HE RETIRED A FEW YEARS AGO. YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T NEED THE WHOLE BIOGRAPHY.

I MEAN...

IS HE FULL OF SHIT?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE SENT ME A BIRTHDAY CARD ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I MEAN, WHAT SORT OF DIPSHIT DOES THAT?

HE WANTED TO BE NICE TO HIS FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW.

MY GOD, WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

DO YOU TRUST HIM?

I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YEAH?

ARNOLD... ARNOLD, YEAH.

...THE STUDIO SENT HIM TO SPY ON YOU.

NO SHIT, REALLY?

WHAT, YOU KNEW?

I'M HIP TO IT.

"HIP TO IT?" YEAH.

I CAN READ PEOPLE, ME.

THAT'S A LAUGH.

$350 FOR A JAM JAR?

JESUS, IT'S OBSCENE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU'RE RICH.

YEAH, WELL I'M, NOT GOING TO SHELL OUT THAT SORT OF MONEY FOR A JAM JAR.

AND FORGIVE MY ASKING, BUT DOESN'T JAM ALREADY COME IN A JAR?

WHAT DO YOU DO BY THE WAY, EH?

FOR A LIVING?

SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO?

WELL...

MAYBE I FORGOT.

I'M A DOCUMENTARIAN. NO!

I MAKE DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT WOMEN IN FILM.

WHY HAVE YOU NEVER INTERVIEWED ME?

I LOVE WOMEN.

HA!

"HA"?

WHAT DOES "HA" MEAN?

WHOA, THIS IS A GREAT CAMPSITE.

YOU USED TO LOVE CAMPING WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE.

YOU NEVER TOOK ME CAMPING.

I DID. NO.

I DID. NO, YOU DIDN'T.

WELL, YOUR MOTHER DID. NO, SHE DIDN'T.

WELL, SHE SHOULD HAVE DONE.

THEY SAY THERE ARE BEARS HERE.

WE IN BEAR COUNTRY? YEAH.

WE SURE ARE. DON'T WANDER OFF.

THEY'LL RIP YOU APART.

YEAH?

I FUCKING HATE BEARS.

THEY'LL EAT YOU UP.

JESUS!

PORN'S SO FUCKING EXTREME THESE DAYS.

YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR PILLS.

SMACKING A WOMAN WITH THE TIP OF THE OLD WHITE SNAKE DOESN'T DO IT FOR ME, I'LL TELL YA.

THIS IS LIKE BASKETBALL.

HAVE YOU GOT ANY SALVE?

I CHAFE LIKE A CHALKBOARD.

YOU'RE NOT MASTURBATING WITH MY IPAD.

GIVE IT BACK TO ME... NOPE, NOPE. YOU CAN BUGGER OFF.

ATTICUS GIVE IT BACK, PLEASE.

HERE WE ARE. NICE CUP OF TEA.

THANKS.

HMM, DON'T MENTION IT.

"SEVEN ANGRY WOMEN."

"A STUDY IN 17 PARTS ON THE GUIDING PRINCIPLE OF THE FEMALE SPIRIT."

IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, IT'S NOT A VERY CATCHY TITLE.

WELL, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CATCHY.

I MEAN, IT'S POST-POST MODERNIST DOCU-FEMINIST CRITICISM, SO...

POST-WHAT?

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

YES, BUT WOULD ANYBODY?

IT'S A BIT MUDDLED.

OH, SHIT, YOU'RE RIGHT, ATTICUS.

YOUR TWO-SECOND VISUAL SNATCH OF MY WORK MUST BE RIGHT.

I MEAN, THAT'S EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE.

EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE.

BUT YOU THINK IT'S MUDDLED.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT. MAYBE I'LL JUST CHUCK IT, RIGHT?

IT WAS JUST AN OBSERVATION.

YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT.

TOUCHY.


THERE'S A BEAR IN THE BACK!

THERE'S A BEAR! SHIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THERE'S A BEAR IN THE BACK! AH!

IN THE BACK OF THE BUS! IN THE BACK OF THE BUS!

THERE'S A BEAR! THERE'S A BEAR!


OH, JESUS. WHAT TIME IS IT?

HEY, WHERE'S ATTICUS?

I'M HERE.

WHERE THE HELL'S ARNOLD?

I KILLED HIM. WHAT?

CHOKED HIM TO DEATH IN HIS SLEEP, BURIED HIM UNDER A TEEPEE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE JUMPED SHIP.

WELL, NOW I GOTTA CALL JIMMY.

NO, NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

NO. ADAM, ADAM, ADAM, ADAM, ADAM.

SON...

LISTEN, I WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU THIS, I DIDN'T WANT TO LAY IT ON YOU, BUT...

YOU'RE BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE, I'VE GOT TO.

NO, WAIT.

LIKE JIMMY SAID, MAYBE YOU AND I SHOULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

OH, GOD. MAKE UP.

PUT THINGS RIGHT BETWEEN US.

OH, THIS SHOULD BE GOOD. I'M ALL EARS, ATTICUS.

WHAT KIND OF THINGS?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THINGS. I MEAN...

WELL, I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING...

THAT I CAN... IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHERE TO START.

I MEAN, UM...

WOW, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, LISTEN TO ME, I'M TRYING...

I MEAN, WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER.

IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS.

I'M GONNA BE GONE SOON.

OH, JESUS.

IT'S NOT THAT I...

THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?

ASSHOLE!

I THREW YOUR PHONE OUT OF THE WINDOW.

WHAT THE FUCK, ATTICUS? I NEED MY PHONE!

I'M EXPECT... OH, CALM DOWN.

NO, I NEED MY FUCKING PHONE!

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT YOUR PHONE ANYWAY?

I HAVE TO CALL CLEMMY.

WHO'S CLAMMY?

CLEM, MY PARTNER.

OH. THAT'S A SURPRISE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO GUYS BEEN TOGETHER?

OH, VERY FUNNY. SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SAY THAT?

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO INFANTILIZE HER, ALL RIGHT?

SHE'S NOT A GIRL. SHE'S A WOMAN.

NOT THAT YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE... HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

VEGAS, 21 MILES. OH...

WELL! WE'RE NOT GOING TO VEGAS!

WE BETTER GET SOME BREAKFAST, BUILD UP OUR STRENGTH, IT'S GONNA BE ONE HELL OF A NIGHT.

YOU THINK THERE'S SUGAR IN THE OATMEAL?

PROBABLY.

I LOVED YOU IN "DEEP STACK JOHNSON."

DID YOU? YEAH!

THANK YOU. I PLAYED A GAMBLER.

HE DID. HMM.

I WAS QUITE GOOD ACTUALLY.

I'LL HAVE THE BREAKFAST PLATE COMBO AND SOME F...

NO, HASH BROWNS AND, UM...

A COUPLE OF THOSE APPLE THINGS.

DO YOU WANT ME TO BIGGY-SIZE THAT FOR YOU?

ABSOLUTELY.

I HAVEN'T GOT ANY CASH. YOU...

OF COURSE.

DO YOU WANT A COFFEE? NO.

OATMEAL.

OATMEAL. OKAY.

CAN I JUST POINT OUT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EATING HEALTHY, NOT CLOGGING UP THAT FILTHY BLACK HEART OF YOURS?

THIS IS EGGS, POTATO, SAUSAGE. WHATEVER.

I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER.

MY MOTHER DRANK TWO DRY MARTINIS EVERY NIGHT TILL SHE WAS 96, AND SHE'S YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

YEAH, I KINDA PUT THAT TOGETHER.

MM, THIS IS SO GOOD.

THERE'S DEFINITELY SUGAR IN THIS.

YOU USED TO LOVE SUGAR.

YEAH, WELL, SUGAR'S POISON.

SEE, WE'RE BASICALLY BEING SODOMIZED BY MONSANTO RIGHT NOW.

I USED TO SLIP A PACKET OF M&MS INTO YOUR SCHOOLBAG, REMEMBER?

WHEN YOUR MOTHER WASN'T LOOKING.

PUT THAT IN THE PLUS COLUMN, WOULD YOU?

YOU KNOW THAT WASN'T BULLSHIT ABOUT FEELING OLD.

THIS COULD BE THE END OF THE LINE.

LOOK, AFTER THE OPERATION, YOU'LL PROBABLY BE HUMPING SOME EXTRA'S LEG IN NO TIME.

NO, COME ON.

THOSE BIG OPERATIONS, YOU KNOW...

THEY REALLY FUCK YOU UP.

YOU'RE AGING. IT HAPPENS.

WE'RE BASICALLY ALL JUST BORN TO DIE.

I HAPPEN TO THINK THAT WE'RE BORN TO LIVE.

OH, THAT'S PROFOUND.

WELL, LISTEN, I'VE GOT FIVE NIGHTS LEFT.

FIVE NIGHTS BEFORE WE GET TO THE WEDDING AND THEY CUT ME OPEN AND GOD KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

THIS IS LIKE THE LAST FLIGHT OF THE SHUTTLE BEFORE THEY RETIRE IT.

OH, GOD. THIS COULD BE MY LAST RUN.

PLEASE STOP TALKING IN METAPHORS.

YOU'RE EITHER FOR ME OR AGAINST ME.

AND GOD HELP YOU IF YOU'RE AGAINST ME.

JESUS, WATCH IT. HEY!

THANKS VERY MUCH.

WHO'S DRIVING?


HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ASLEEP?

A COUPLE HOURS.

WHAT? A COUPLE OF HOURS? JESUS.

MUST HAVE NEEDED IT.

HAVE WE PASSED VEGAS?

YEP.

OH, GOD. PULL OFF AT THE NEXT EXIT.

WE'VE GOT TO TURN THE BUS AROUND AND GO BACK.

SORRY, PAPA BEAR, HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.

YOU KNOW, YOU USED TO BE A GOOD ACTOR.

HAD GREAT PROMISE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WALKED AWAY FROM IT.

OH, I WONDER WHY.

MM, SO DID I.

LACK OF BALLS, BOY.

YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FATHER.

OH, COME ON. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, LAY OFF ME, CAN'T YOU?

I GOT ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE, I'M LIVING ON BORROWED TIME.

YEAH, WELL, WE ALL ARE.

MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD IF WE DID SOME BONDING.

OKAY.

HOW DO YOU WANT TO START?

SHOULD WE HAVE A HUG IN?

WHAT WAS YOUR FATHER LIKE?

OH, JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE GONNA START THERE? WHAT?

I WAS FOUR WHEN HE DIED. I BARELY KNEW HIM.

YEAH, WELL, WELL, LET'S JUST...

SAY HE WAS DIFFICULT TO TALK TO AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.

DID HE SEE ANY OF YOUR MOVIES?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU THINK HE WAS PROUD OF YOU AT LEAST?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?

WHY ARE YOU SO UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT YOUR FATHER?

I'M NOT...

HEY, HEY, HEY, WE GOT A SITUATION.

OH! HELLO! HEY, SWEETHEART.

WHOA! HA!

HI, GIRLIES.

HONK THE HORN.

I'M NOT GONNA HONK THE HORN.

HEY! HONK THE HORN. HONK THE HORN.

NO. THEY WAVED AT ME!

GO ON, HONK THE HORN. NO.

GO FASTER.

HIT THEM! HIT THEM! NO!

GO ON, JUST HIT THEM!

NO! JUST HIT THEM.

HONK THE HORN AND HIT THEM. STOP. STOP!

OH, JESUS.

THEY'RE GETTING AWAY.

WE LOST THEM.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT WAY TO BOND.

HEY.

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

DON'T GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE WHEN WE RETURN...

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE WATCHING THIS CRAP SITTING IN THE BACK OF A FUCKING BUS IN A SEARS PARKING LOT.

IT'S A WALMART.

WELL, WHATEVER.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A STAR.

I HAVEN'T LIVED IN THESE CRAMPED CONDITIONS SINCE I WAS IN THE ARMY.

YOU WERE NEVER IN THE ARMY.

WELL, I MADE SO MANY ARMY FILMS, I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN.

LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO ON A PIZZA RUN.

HI, MR. SMITH.

THIS IS DR. KHAZAR'S OFFICE CALLING TO SET UP A FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT.

PLEASE CALL US...

HEY. HEY.

OH, MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T CALLED.

ATTICUS THREW MY PHONE OUT THE WINDOW.

WHY ARE YOU RESEARCHING UROLOGISTS?

WHAT?

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE RESEARCHING VASECTOMIES AGAIN.

HANG ON A SECOND, WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT MY SEARCH HISTORY?

ISN'T THAT KIND OF A BREACH OF TRUST?

YOU DON'T YOU THINK THAT CLANDESTINE VASECTOMY RESEARCH IS MORE OF A BREACH?

VASECTOMIES? ADAM, I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER THIS.

I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THIS.

ARE YOU TRYING TO AVOID HAVING KIDS WITH ME?

NO. NO. REALLY?

'CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE IT.

LOOK, I'M NOT... LISTEN, I HAVE TO CONCENTRATE ON MY DOCUMENTARY FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

LET'S JUST TALK AT ANNABEL'S WEDDING, OKAY?

I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE BACK HERE AGAIN.

I PROMISE I WON'T RESEARCH VASECTOMIES ANYMORE, OKAY?

HEY, CLEM, WE'RE GOING TO DO A MIX OF THE FIRST CUE.

I GOTTA GO. I'M IN THE RECORDING STUDIO.

OKAY. I LOVE YOU.

YOU, TOO. BYE.

I THOUGHT OF TYING MY NUTS ONCE.

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

OF COURSE, IF I HAD, I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD YOUR SISTER.

I'M ALL FOR IT.

I THINK... I THINK THEY CAN BE GREAT.

IF YOU WANT... MY TWO CENTS.

I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT ADVICE, I'M AFRAID.

DO YOU EVER SHUT THE FUCK UP?


OH...

DO YOU THINK HE HAS TO SHOUT?

"ABRAHAM, GIVE ME A SON!"

HE SHOULD HAVE GRAVITAS.

HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOUT, GOD, WOULD HE?

HE'D HAVE SOMEONE TO RELAY IT FOR HIM.

PERHAPS HE COULD TELEPHONE.

BUT, I MEAN, IF YOU DID, THEN YOU COULD HAVE, YOU COULD HEAR ABRAHAM REPLYING THROUGH THE... YOU KNOW, THAT SORT OF TELEPHONE VOICE.

THAT WOULD BE QUITE MODERN, WOULDN'T IT?


WOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE SINCE WE SHOT "THROWDOWN."

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KEPT IT ALL THESE YEARS.

THIS IS WHERE I WANT TO BE BURIED.

I'LL HAVE TO THROW A ROCK THROUGH THE WINDOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I LEFT THE KEYS.

WE SHOULD MAYBE...

BOBBY MUST HAVE OPENED IT UP.

I'LL SEE IF HE'S TURNED ON THE WATER.


ATTICUS?

FUCK IT.

YOU SHOULD COME IN, ADAM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE OLD COOCH POT IS STILL WORKING.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE DRINKING?

A LITTLE APERITIF.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU CAN'T EVEN WAIT TILL THE OPERATION?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A RED-THROATED LOON?

THEY'RE VERY RARE AND THEY'RE VERY SHY.

AND I THINK...

THAT'S ONE SITTING ON THE BRANCH OVER THERE.

HAVE A LOOK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY.

EVERYONE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY, RIGHT?

ADAM, COME ON.

I'M HALF IRISH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

ANYWAY, ISN'T THERE SOME KIND OF RULE ABOUT DRINKING IN HOT TUBS?

YES, THERE IS. IT SAYS "DO IT."

I THINK THAT'S A BALD EAGLE.

I ONCE SHOT A BALD EAGLE.

NEVER FORGIVEN MYSELF FOR IT.

WHY DID YOU CHEAT ON MOM?

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND TELL HER?

I DIDN'T FUCKING TELL HER.

OH, COME ON, ADAM, IT'S 15 YEARS AGO.

SURELY, YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS TO FESS UP TO IT BY NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? BELIEVE WHATEVER YOU WANT. I KNOW.

YOU SCREWED ME FINANCIALLY.

YOU FUCKED UP THE FAMILY.

OH, I FUCKED UP THE FAMILY? YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

YOU KNOW, YOU GO AROUND, YOU HURT PEOPLE, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT EATS THEM UP INSIDE.

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF?

YES, OF COURSE I AM!

WELL, WHY ARE YOU USING THE THIRD PERSON?

DON'T DO THAT. IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOU?

YOU'RE INCAPABLE OF TALKING LIKE A HUMAN BEING BECAUSE YOU'RE A HOLLOW HUSK OF A MAN.

JUST COOL IT.

JUST ENJOY THE EVENING. OH, GO FUCK YOURSELF LIVE IN THE WORLD, NOT IN YOUR OWN BLOODY HEAD ALL THE TIME!

SON OF A BITCH.

JIMMY, IT'S ADAM.

HEY, YOU DON'T FUCK WITH AN ANGEL.

YOU TRYING TO GET US ON THEIR SHIT LIST?

NOW I GOT TO WORRY ABOUT THE STUNTMEN'S UNION?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW?

ATTICUS DID ALL THAT, ALL RIGHT?

HE DRUGGED ME, THEN HE THREW MY PHONE OUT THE WINDOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JIMMY? YOU NEED TO GET HERE NOW.

YOU GOTTA GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

SORRY, I'M... I'M AT A DOG SHOW RIGHT NOW.

THERE'S A DOG NAMED MICKEY ON MY LAP RIGHT NOW THAT SMELLS LIKE CHANEL, AND MY NERVES ARE FRAYED, MAN.

JACK JUST CALLED AND SAID HE'S INCHES AWAY FROM REPLACING ATTICUS WITH DONALD SUTHERLAND FOR GOD.

I LIKE DONALD SUTHERLAND.

WHAT ARE YOU... WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

LOOK, I BOOKED HIM ON CHARLIE'S SHOW.

IT'LL BE GOOD, THE STUDIO WILL SEE IT AND FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

YEAH, WELL, HE'S NOT OKAY, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S DRINKING LIKE A MADMAN.

MY GOD, THEN PULL THE BOTTLE OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

AND HE'S EATING A BUNCH OF SUGAR.

THEN FEED HIM DIABETIC COOKIES!

LOOK, JIMMY...

THERE'S A LOT OF UNCERTAINTY IN MY LIFE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS.

LISTEN THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO, THE ONLY THING, IS MAKE SURE HE GETS THERE CLEAN, SOBER AND ALIVE.

MY DOG IS MISSING A LEG.

I GOT A THREE-LEGGED DOG AND HE'S ABOUT TO COMPETE IN AN OBSTACLE COURSE.

A PIECE OF THE OBSTACLE COURSE IS LITERALLY HIM JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS.

HOOP AFTER HOOP AFTER HOOP.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA MAN UP!

ALL RIGHT, JUST GET IT DONE, OKAY?

GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE.

I WANT ANOTHER DRINK.

JUST GET ME ANOTHER BOTTLE.

WE DON'T HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

YOU'RE A RAT. YOU'RE A RAT, YOU ARE.

WHAT GOES ON SET, STAYS ON SET.

YOU OUGHT TO REMEMBER THAT. IF I TEACH YOU ANYTHING...

IF I TEACH YOU ANYTHING, IT'S THAT.

YOU'RE A RAT.

YOU'RE... GO FUCKING... GO IN A HOLE, YOUR RAT HOLE.


AGE CANNOT WITHER HER, NOR CUSTOM STALE.

AH.

I HAD MY FIRST KISS IN THIS CAR.

ELLIE THE MAKEUP GIRL.

I WAS 15, SHE WAS 25.

YEAH.

I PAID HER A HUNDRED DOLLARS TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY.

WAIT, WHAT?

SHE TOLD ME YOU CHICKENED OUT.

BIT RUDE CONSIDERING IT WAS A GIFT.

COME ON, LET'S SHIT, SHOWER AND SHAVE.

WE'RE WASTING DAYLIGHT.

AH-HA!

YEAH, SHE'S LIKE A LION!

PUT THEM ON THE BACKSEAT.

OH, AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, I DID LOSE MY VIRGINITY IN THE BACKSEAT OF THIS CAR WITH ELLIE AND ISABEL.

YEAH, THAT ISABEL.

GOOD GOD.

WELL, I NEVER KNEW THAT WE CROSSED SWORDS.

WITH MY ISABEL? AH.

NICE WORK, SALOON BOY.


HEY, IT'S CLEM. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.

SHIT.

HMM.

YOU KNOW, THAT MIGHT QUALIFY AS THE BEST SHIT OF MY LIFE.

OH, JESUS, YOU'RE DISGUSTING. IS THAT MY PHONE?

THAT IS PRIVATE AND VERY PERSONAL PROPERTY.

CLEMENTINE'S NOT PICKING UP MY CALLS.

WELL, SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME. YOU DID LIE TO HER.

I DIDN'T LIE TO HER.

NO?

IT'S COMPLICATED. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LOOK, YOU DRIVE, ALL RIGHT?

THAT DUMP'S EXHAUSTED ME.

BUT DON'T GET USED TO IT.

SEAT BELT FUCK OFF.

240 NORTH VAN BUREN.

GOD, IF THIS BOOK COULD TALK.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?

ABSOLUTELY. WHO IS SHE?

SHE WAS A CATERER ON A SERIAL KILLER MOVIE I DID TO PAY FOR THE DIVORCE YOU CAUSED.

DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER?

DOES THE POPE HAVE A BALCONY?

WHY'D I EVEN ASK?

NUMBER 60.

GREAT.

WOW.

OH, THIS IS SO WRONG.

OH, YEAH.

YOU WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER.

HEL...

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU... NO, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN.

WELL, WELL, YOU'RE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES.

WHAT IS HE DOING? MM!

WHOA HEY. UH, HELLO.

THIS IS MY SON, ADAM.

REMEMBER? I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM.

OH, ADAM, YES.

APPLE OF YOUR EYE. HI.

DID I SAY THAT? YES, YOU DID SAY THAT.

NO, I DIDN'T. YOU DID SAY THAT.

WHO ARE YOU?

CHRIST, THAT'S NOT MINE IS IT?

IT? SHE IS EIGHT, AND I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN 13 YEARS.

OH, THANK GOD.

YOU MARRIED A DAMN FINE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, D.D.

LOOK AT HER. LOOK AT HER.

STOP. OH, HEY, NOW, AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

HOW DO YOU KNOW EACH OTHER?

WELL, WE WORKED... WE WERE LOVERS.

SHIT.

LOOK, I THINK WE SHOULD BE HONEST.

I TRY TO BE TRUTHFUL IN MY LIFE, AND...

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, BUT WE LAY TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, I AM GOING TO GO CHECK ON THE FOOD.

HONEY, ELIZA, WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME SWEETIE?

YEAH, WELL...

IT TAKES A REAL MAN...

TO SAY WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO ME...

IN MY OWN HOME.

I RESPECT THAT.

AND...

I LOVED YOU IN "JIVE ASS."

OH, WOW!

YOU'RE A GENEROUS MAN, D.D.

YOUR FATHER IS ONE TALENTED BASTARD.

YEAH.

D.D., LISTEN, YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH.

A DEACON.

WOULD YOU LET ME PICK YOUR BRAINS?

OH, BY ALL MEANS. YOU SEE, I'M ON A QUEST, I'M ON A JOURNEY, I'M TRYING TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.

I'M TRYING TO GET INSIDE GOD.

GOD'S A WOMAN.

YEAH, SHE MAY WELL BE, BUT...

OH, SHE MAY WELL BE, HUH?

SHE IS.

WHAT I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN IS WHETHER YOU CAN GIVE ME ANY ADVICE OF THE SPIRITUAL SORT, I MEAN, PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.

SWINE.

I'D BE VERY HONORED TO LISTEN TO IT.

WELL...

THE SPIRIT IS LIKE A RIVER.

AND ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS GET OUT OF ITS WAY AND JUST LET THAT RIVER FLOW THROUGH YOU.

JUST FLOW. FLOW.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

YOU'RE A WISE MAN.

NO, I'M JUST A MAN, JUST LIKE YOU.

I HOPE EVERYONE LIKES STEAK.

OH, HE'S A VEGETARIAN, BUT JUST THROW HIM SOME MASHED POTATO.

OH, MAN, I NEVER UNDERSTOOD VEGETARIANS.

NOR ME, D.D.

THIS LOOKS GREAT.

GOODNESS ME.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, THE ROAD GIVES YOU AN APPETITE.

YES.

BLESS, THIS FOOD, OH, LORD, FOR OUR USE, AND US TO THY SERVICE, AND KEEP US EVER MINDFUL OF THOSE IN NEED.

AND BLESS OUR NEW FRIENDS YOU HAVE BROUGHT TO THIS TABLE IN LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP.

IN JESUS' NAME, AMEN.

AMEN.

WE BOW OUR HEADS, GREAT AND ALL-KNOWING FATHER, TO PRAISE THEE FOR THY BOUNTY, REPRESENTED TODAY AS MEAT, MASHED POTATO AND SWEET FRUIT.

HOSANNA IN THE HIGHEST.

AMEN.

AMEN.

TELL ME, IS THERE A FOUR SEASONS OR A RED ROOF INN?

YES, WE HAVE A... NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU'LL STAY WITH US.

NO. NO, WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY IMPOSE.

THE TWINS ARE OVER-NIGHTING AT THEIR FRIEND JOEL'S HOUSE, SO YOU CAN TAKE THEIR ROOM.

YOU HAVE TWINS?

YES, TWINS.

AGE? OH, NO, NO.

OH, THEY'RE BABIES. YES.

WELL... YEAH.

THAT'S ENORMOUSLY GENEROUS.

HE'S YOUR FATHER, ADAM.

START ACTING LIKE IT.

JUST BECAUSE HE'S YOUR FATHER DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS TO BE MINE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR CHICKENSHIT DADDY ISSUES, I'M GETTING...

YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES TO THIS WHOLE PARADIGM I'M TRYING TO LAY OUT FOR YOU, WHICH IS OUR FATHER'S THE GODDAMN ANTICHRIST.

OKAY, I'M GETTING MARRIED IN A FEW DAYS.

OH, YOU GOTTA GO? I GOTTA GO.

FINE, I DON'T CARE. I GOTTA GO, I'M BUSY.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I MEAN, THOSE BEDS, I HIBERNATED LIKE A BEAR.

I DIDN'T EVEN TURN OVER, I WAS SO COMFY AND COZY.

ANYBODY WOULD LIKE SOME FRESH...

WHAT DOES "A.C." STAND FOR?

I BELIEVE IT STANDS FOR ANTI-CHRIST, ELIZA.

CAN YOU PASS THE GRITS, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

YOUR CALL HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO AN AUTOMATIC VOICE MESSAGING SERVICE.

IT'S NATURAL, ISN'T IT, TO BE WORRIED ABOUT BRINGING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD WHERE THERE'S GLOBAL WARMING, THERE'S OVERPOPULATION?

I THINK THOSE ARE JUST EXCUSES.

POLAR BEARS FLOATING AROUND ON TINY FUCKING ICECAPS, THAT'S EXCUSES? NO, THAT'S DOWN TO YOUR GENERATION.

WHO AM I, HENRY FORD?

I BET YOU VOTED FOR RONALD REAGAN.

I DID NOT. HE'S A TERRIBLE ACTOR.

I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM. I'VE NEVER VOTED FOR ANYBODY.

MY GOD, YOUR APATHY IS UNBELIEVABLE.

DO YOU WANT MY ADVICE OR NOT?

FINE. DO WHAT I DO, FOLLOW YOUR TRUE NATURE.

YOU SHOULD TAKE WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED FROM CLAMMY AND MOVE ON.

I MEAN, WE LEARN MORE FROM OUR MISTAKES THAN FROM OUR SUCCESSES, YOU KNOW?

SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM "FIVE DAY FUCK"?

WELL, NOW, THAT WAS A SUCCESSFUL FILM, ARTISTICALLY SPEAKING, SO I DIDN'T LEARN VERY MUCH.

KEEP YOUR EYE OUT FOR A PHARMACY, I NEED TO BUY SOME ASTRINGENT.

WHY?


WHOA, THAT'S A BIG GUY.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM.

HE'S LARGER THAN LIFE, HE'S HIS OWN MAN...

AND HE'S JOLLY. HEY.

HE'S A STRONGMAN MADE OF VEGETABLES.

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

OH, GOD.

I'M JUST TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP A BIT!

NO, SAMUEL, THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS A DATE.

REALLY? ADAM, DON'T... NO, NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT!

ADAM, STOP THAT.

LOOK, YOU DON'T THROW ROCKS AT THE GIANT!

OH, GREAT! THE TIRE'S FLAT!

GODDAMN IT, NOW WE'RE STUCK HERE.

WELL, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

YOU RAN OVER THESE BOTTLES.

WELL, WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD?

LITTERING. JESUS, THIS COUNTRY.

I MEAN...

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A NATIONAL MONUMENT, I THINK.

IF IT'S NOT, IT SHOULD BE.

PEOPLE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.

OH, MY GOD.

WHY DON'T YOU LOOK IN THE GLOVE BOX AND GET THE MANUAL?

HOW THE FUCK DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A TIRE?

I'M AN ACTOR, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

SOMEONE LITERALLY GIVES ME A PIECE OF PAPER AT THE END OF EACH DAY TO TELL ME WHAT I'M DOING THE NEXT ONE.

THERE'S NO MANUAL.

WELL, HOW COME YOU CAN'T CHANGE A TIRE?

YOU'RE NOT EVEN FAMOUS.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER TO TEACH ME.

OH, BOO-HOO.

GOD, YOUR GENERATION, YOU'RE SO SQUISHY.

MY FATHER NEVER TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME.

LOVE?

THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

I WOULD HAVE SETTLED FOR A BIRTHDAY CARD ONCE IN THE LAST 15 YEARS. OH, WELL, YOU'VE GOT YOUR NEW BROTHER-IN-LAW FOR THAT NOW.

WELL, THERE'S NO SIGNAL. EXCUSE ME.

WAIT! EXCUSE ME...

WAIT. WAIT!

GO ON, CATCH HIM, CATCH HIM.

WAIT! WAIT!

GO ON, ADAM. WAIT! FUCK!


YOU GUYS OKAY?

HEY.

YOU ALL RIGHT? WHAT? JESUS!

YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE A SPARE TIRE.

WHAT?

WHAT DO WE DO?

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD GIVE US A LIFT INTO THE NEXT TOWN WITH A GARAGE?

WELL, WE'RE CAMPING ABOUT FIVE MILES UP THE ROAD FOR THE NIGHT.

WE CAN TAKE YOU IN THE MORNING.

NO, I THINK... ARE YOU SLEEPING IN TENTS?

YEAH.

UH, THAT'D BE FINE, THAT'D BE FINE.

THAT'S PERFECT.

GREAT. YEAH.

YES. HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON WITH THAT WHEEL?

I GOT IT. YOU GOT IT?

MM-HMM. WHOA, LOOK AT THAT.

WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

YOU'RE ATTICUS SMITH.

YES. YES, YOU ARE.

I DRESSED UP AS YOU IN "COPS AND SLOBBERS" FOR HALLOWEEN.

NO. YEAH.

I HOPE NOBODY DRESSED UP AS SLOBBERS.

MIND YOU, HE'S A WONDERFUL DOG.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? MY BOYFRIEND DRESSED UP AS SLOBBERS.

DID HE? YEAH.

DID HE GET THE DROOL?

OH, HE GOT THE DROOL PERFECTLY.

WE USED LUBE.

THIS IS A GREAT BUS.

WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?

WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO SFO AND WE SAW THIS OLD HIPPIE SELLING THE BUS, SO...

YAHOO BOUGHT OUR COMPANY LAST YEAR AND WE HAVE ALL THIS MONEY, SO WE FIGURE WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH IT.

WHY NOT? IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOLO, RIGHT? WHAT?

WE SPENT FOUR DAYS AT A PHREAKER FESTIVAL IN THE SALT FLATS.

IT GOT WEIRD.

OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BUT WHAT THE HELL?

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

THAT'S JOHNNY. HE OWNS THE COMPANY.

HE'S EXHAUSTED.

AND THIS IS WISDOM, HE'S OUR SHAMAN.

WE'RE PAYING HIM.


FUCK IT.

THAT'S GOOD.

I THINK I'LL JUST...

...STICK TO DEWAR'S.

HAVEN'T GOT ANY ICE, HAVE YOU?

SODA WATER OR ANYTHING?

ATTICUS.

ATTICUS. OH, ALL RIGHT.

VIVA CARLOS CASTA-FUCKING-NEDA.

MMM. THERE THEY GO.

WHOO! WHOO!

HEY! HEY!

I SEE A CORRIDOR OF FIRE.

RIGHT, RIGHT, GOOD. I'M IN A CORRIDOR OF FIRE.

RIGHT, I WANT YOU, YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO RUN THROUGH THAT.

YOU NEED TO RUN THROUGH THAT. I THINK I'M CHANGING.

I MIGHT BE AN EAGLE.

I THINK I'M AN EAGLE. BEAUTIFUL.

I SHOT AN EAGLE ONCE.

I ATE IT TOO. DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GET OVER IT.

I'M IN A BLACK PIT.

I THINK THIS STUFF'S PRETTY WEAK.

IT'S COLD. I DIDN'T FEEL A THING.

WHAT'S THAT?

ARE THOSE MY FEATHERS? HAVE YOU TAKEN MY FEATHERS?

HAVE YOU BEEN PLUCKING ME?

NO, THOSE ARE YOUR FEATHERS.

ARE YOU OKAY? YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?

NO, NO, NO, IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.

DO YOU WANT TO SWAP SEATS? IT'S GOOD.

IT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE... IT'S GOOD.

DO I NEED TO SIGN SOMETHING?

YOU DON'T NEED TO SIGN ANYTHING.

YOU SURE? I'M SURE.

GO ON, LITTLE ONE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT SEXY, BUT YOU'RE LIKE MY GRANDFATHER'S AGE.

AH. I DIDN'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS, DID I?

NO, NO, NO.

I'M MUCH TOO OLD TO HAVE FEELINGS.

NO, NO, NO.

OKAY.

WELL, THAT WAS A BLAST.

HOPE THAT SLEEPING KID ISN'T DEAD.

OH, ATTICUS. WHAT?

CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS?

I GOT TO CALL CLEMENTINE.

JESUS, YOU'RE GONNA CALL HER AGAIN?

YEAH. WELL, MAKE IT SHORT, ALL RIGHT?

AND GIVE ME YOUR CARD.

OH.

HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY MONEY?

I'LL GET MY ACCOUNTANT TO SEND YOU A CHECK, ALL RIGHT?

WILL THAT DO?

MORNING, GENTLEMEN, I GOT SOME WORK FOR YOU.

OH, GOD.

WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME? I TOLD YOU NOT TO.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

LOOK, CLEM, I'VE JUST BEEN ON THIS JOURNEY...

YOUR UROLOGIST E-MAILED.

WHAT, YOU BROKE INTO MY EMAIL?

NO, I'M USING YOUR COMPUTER AND THE FUCKING THING DINGED.

WHAT DID IT SAY?

SOMETHING ABOUT AN APPOINTMENT.

A FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT.

LOOK, CLEM... YOU KNOW, WHEN WE FIRST MET, I LOVED HOW PROGRESSIVE YOU SEEMED.

I REALIZE NOW THAT YOU JUST HIDE BEHIND ALL OF THAT.

HIDE... UH, NO, ADAM, I KNOW.

CAN YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME... I KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER HURT YOUR MOTHER AND HOW YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER HURT ANYBODY.

I'VE HEARD ALL OF THAT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE.

WE'RE HUMAN, OKAY?

HUMANS HURT EACH OTHER.

SHIT FUCKING HAPPENS!

FUCK, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS ON THE PHONE!

ADAM, I AM TRYING TO EDIT MY DOCUMENTARY.

I KNOW. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

LOOK, I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.

THEY'RE GONNA GO...

THEY'RE GONNA GO AND FETCH THE CAR.

SO, IT'LL BE ABOUT AN HOUR. THERE'S A BAR DOWN THE ROAD.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR LONG ADAM TALKS, OKAY?

WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BITCH?

OKAY, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

BY THE WAY, YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE YOUR FATHER.

HE DOESN'T PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING HE'S NOT.

OH, HE'S HONEST? FUCK Y... I MEAN, FUCK.

I'M HONEST! I'M NOT PRETENDING!

I'M NOT PRETENDING TO BE... I DON'T CARE.

ADAM, I DON'T CARE, OKAY?

I DON'T CARE IF YOU CUT YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVER HAD ANY TO BEGIN WITH.

OH, I DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS?

THEY'RE RIGHT HERE, SWEETHEART, UNDER MY FUCKING DICK!

GOOD-BYE, ADAM.

GOOD-BYE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "GOOD-BYE?"

IT MEANS GOOD-BYE.

LIKE "GOOD-BYE" GOOD-BYE?

FUCK!

YOU KNOW, I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY THE LEAD IN "CRUISING."

BUT THE STUDIO SAW MY TESTS AND THEY SAID I TOOK IT TOO DARK, TOO STREET.

DOUBLE SHOT OF JACK DANIELS BOURBON, PLEASE.

YOU JUST SAY "GIVE ME A DOUBLE SHOT OF JACK,"

HE'LL KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I MEAN, I WANTED YOU TO FEEL THE STANK ON HIS CHAPS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ANYWAY, THEY WENT FOR PACINO.

ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS TO FUCK?

ADAM, THIS IS A GAY BAR.

WHAT? NO THANK YOU.

DIDN'T YOU SEE THE SIGN OUTSIDE?

IT'S CALLED "THE MEN'S ROOM."

BUT DON'T LET ME STOP YOU, IF THAT'S YOUR MOOD.

ANYONE WANT TO TAKE A TURN WITH MY BOY HERE?

NO! NO, THANK YOU. HONEY, STOP LOOKING.

YOU KNOW I HAD TO KISS IAN MCKELLEN ON THE LIPS EVERY NIGHT FOR SIX MONTHS IN "ANGELS IN AMERICA."

AND THE STRANGE THING IS, I GOT TO QUITE LIKE IT.

OLD AS THE GREEKS.

SAME AGAIN, PLEASE.

OH, YOU'RE GOING FOR IT. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.

WHO, CLAMMY? I THOUGHT HE ALREADY DID.

YOU KNOW, SHE WAS THE ONLY GOOD THING IN MY LIFE.

THE ONLY GOOD THING. NOW SHE'S GONE.

OKAY, IT'S MY TURN TO DRIVE. MY TURN TO DRIVE.

NO, DON'T... DON'T... DON'T FUCK AROUND.

DON'T... GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE...

COME ON!

JESUS, DON'T DO THAT IN THE CAR.

LET ME FINISH UP.

YOU'LL GET IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

THIS IS A DREAM LINER, NOT A URINAL.

OH, I SPILLED A BIT.

OH, JESUS!

THIS PLACE IS LIKE A PIGSTY.

DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANYTHING?

PISS ON ME.

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.

THAT'S FROM THE BIBLE.

LEFT HERE, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT.

LEFT, HARD LEFT!

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE... WATCH... HERE, RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS IT. THIS IS IT.

STOP!

THIS IS IT. WE'RE HERE.

WELL, WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS?

I THOUGHT WE WERE ON A SCHEDULE.

THE SCHEDULE CAN "S" MY "D"!

I'M TAKING YOU TO A BALL GAME.

BALL GAME? A BALL GAME.

COME ON, DEATH'S ALMOST ON US.

YOU NEVER TOOK ME, SO I'M TAKING YOU, PAPA BEAR.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT? SHIT, YEAH!

ALL RIGHT! COME ON!

YOU GET SOME TICKETS, GO TO THE ATM.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL PARK UP.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, WHO'S PLAYING?

GREAT SHOT. LOOK AT THAT MAN.

WHOA! WHOA!

HE'S GOT THE BALL! GO ON!

KICK IT IN THE FACE! GO ON YOU LITTLE FOUR-LEGGED ANGEL.

GO ON, GO ON! SHOOT IT.

THERE YOU GO. SHOOT IT!

YES. GET IT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE LEGENDARY ACTOR ATTICUS SMITH IN THE HOUSE.

COME ON UP TO THE PRESS BOX AND SAY HELLO, ATTICUS.

I'M HERE WITH NATIONAL TREASURE ATTICUS SMITH TODAY.

ATTICUS, YOU ACTUALLY PLAYED AN ALCOHOLIC BASEBALL COACH IN "BASES LOADED," IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY.

YOU DO REMEMBER CORRECTLY.

AND IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, IT WAS A TERRIBLE FILM.

TO THE FANS OUT THERE, I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT ATTICUS IS ABOUT TO GET A NEW SON-IN-LAW, FORMER CUBBIES STAR PITCHER, NOW CO-OWNER OF THE JOLIET SLAMMERS, MARK KEANE. YEAH.

THAT'S GOT TO BE EXCITING FOR YOU GUYS.

OH, SO EXCITING. DO YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER?

YES, SHE ACTUALLY JUST TURNED 12.

OH, WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE HER TO BE MARRIED TO SOME FUCKING JOCK?

YEAH? WOULD YOU?

I GUESS I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

YEAH, WELL, YOU THINK ABOUT IT FOR 21 YEARS, AND THEN YOU GIVE ME A CALL. IF I'M STILL AROUND, I WILL PICK UP AND WE CAN HAVE A LONG CONVERSATION ABOUT IT.

MARK'S A VERY BELOVED FIGURE HERE.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S WHAT I KEEP HEARING.

"HE'S A BELOVED FIGURE." I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST.

IF HE'S SUCH A BELOVED FIGURE IN CHICAGO, WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T HE LIVE IN CHICAGO?

HE'S A KISS-ASS.

A FEISTY DAY AT THE BALLPARK, AND, ATTICUS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE. LET'S GO, THE SLAMMERS!

KICK THEIR FUCKING ASS!


OH, MY HEAD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

YOU BLACKED OUT.

WHY ARE WE IN JAIL?

'CAUSE YOU KILLED A GUY.

AH, FUCK.

COME ON, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THEY PICKED YOU UP FOR SOLICITING A COUPLE OF HOOKERS.

I CAME IN TO BAIL YOU OUT AND THEY GOT ME ON AN INTOXICATION CHARGE.

I CHEATED ON CLEMMY WITH A HOOKER?

SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN!

YOU TALK TOO MUCH.

THIS AIN'T NO PRIVATE SUITE.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.

HE'S A REAL CHATTERBOX, AREN'T YOU?

MAN, I'M TALKING ABOUT BOTH OF YOU, YOU JON BON JOVI-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN BEFORE I STICK YOU WITH THE SHIV I SNUCK UP IN MY ASS?

YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF WHAT YOU GOT UP YOUR ASS?

OH, YOU WANT TO TEST ME, SHORT EYES?

OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS, OKAY?

BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

SORRY, HE GETS A LITTLE EXCITED.

YOU'RE OKAY, COME ON.

SHH, SHH, SHH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. IT'S FINE. IT'S COOL.

JUST COOL, MAN. YEAH.

SHIV UP YOUR ASS.

THAT WAS GOOD. YEAH.

I WAS DOING YOU FROM "CROSS BAR MOTEL."

I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED IT.

YEAH, DID I GET ALL THE LINES RIGHT?

THOUGHT THE LISP WAS A BIT HEAVY.

I KNOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I CHEATED ON CLEMMY.

WITH TWO HOOKERS?

YOU DIDN'T CHEAT ON ANYBODY.

YOU KEPT YOUR DICK CLEAN.

YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS, DIDN'T YOU?

HOW WAS I TO KNOW THEY WERE COPS?

COME ON. OH, THANK GOD.

KEEP IT CLEAN, DOUCHEBAG.

IS THIS THE WAY OUT?

HERE'S A TELESCOPE PROFILE OF GLORIA STEINEM...

HER CHILDHOOD, HER WORK, AND HER FRIENDS.

...ALWAYS ASK ME, YOU KNOW, "WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS SHE?

SHE SEEMS LIKE A REAL BITCH.

OH, SHE MUST BE VERY AGGRESSIVE AND PUSHY."

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THESE WHOLE PRECONCEIVED IDEAS OF A GIRL WHO GETS TO WHERE GLORIA IS IN LIFE...

THAT'S ROOM SERVICE. YOU WANT TO GET IT?

YOU KNOW, WE GOT A LONG DRIVE AHEAD.

DO YOU WANT TO SHARE THIS WATER?

NO, THAT'S DISGUSTING. I'LL TAKE A SHOWER.

HMM. I THOUGHT YOU WERE A CONSERVATIONIST.

YOU CAN SET IT ON THE TABLE, THANKS.

ANNABEL?

SO, WHY HAS DAD GONE FUCKING CRAZY?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HE'S NOT GOING CRAZY.

HE PUBLICLY INSULTED MARK IN HIS HOMETOWN.

COME ON, YOU KNOW DAD.

BY THE WAY, WHY DID MARK SEND HIM A BIRTHDAY CARD?

OKAY, WHAT? WHO CARES?

WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM RUIN EVERYTHING?

OH, COME ON, HE HASN'T RUINED EVERYTHING.

YES! MARK'S FAMILY HAS GONE BERSERK.

MARK IS EVEN ANGRY.

YOU KNOW MARK DOES NOT GET ANGRY.

ANNABEL, CUT HIM SOME SLACK, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T HAVE HIM HERE, NOT NOW.

YOU WANT TO DISINVITE DAD FROM THE WEDDING NOW?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I HAVE TO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TO GET HERE?

PUT HIM ON THE PHONE, OKAY?

NO.

NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?

HE'S SLEEPING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S SLEEPING?

IT'S 5:00 P.M.

ANNABEL... FINE.

THEN YOU CAN TELL HIM.

GOOD-BYE.

I LOVE THESE LITTLE BOTTLES OF SOAP.

THEY STOP YOU GETTING CRABS.

WAIT, WHO GETS CRABS ANYMORE?

I GOT CRABS ONCE.

FROM A CARPET.


I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.

WELL, YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING.

GOD, EIGHT YEARS AND IT'S ALL JUST BULLSHIT.

YOU MEAN THE MOVIE?

"SEVEN ANGRY WOMEN IN SEARCH OF DAMASCUS." EVERYTHING.

ME... MY LIFE...

MY SENSE OF PURPOSE...

ALL JUST NOTHING.

I DIDN'T TELL MOM.

WHEN I GOT BACK FROM FILMING "THROWDOWN" WITH YOU, I JUST TOLD HER I DIDN'T WANT TO BE AN ACTOR ANYMORE.

SHE COULD SEE I WAS UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING, BUT I DIDN'T TELL HER.

I GUESS SHE JUST KNEW.

YEAH.

I CAN BELIEVE THAT.

GOD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'LL GET IT.

WAS THAT YOUR IPAD YOU JUST THREW OUT?

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

I'M JUST A FUCKING FRAUD.

NONE OF IT MEANS ANYTHING.

BUT IT WAS AN IPAD.

I HAVEN'T GOT AN IPAD.


AH, RIGHT ON TIME.

NO, YOU'RE ABOUT 30 MINUTES LATE.

GOOD, LISTEN, I'VE BEEN SAVING SOMETHING...

ATTICUS, LISTEN TO ME... NO, WAIT, WAIT.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

THESE ARE YOUR WHEELS.

THIS CAR IS YOUR CAR.

YOU MEAN IN YOUR WILL?

NO, NO, NO, I BOUGHT IT FOR YOU BEFORE WE WRAPPED ON "THROWDOWN."

JUST... I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO GIVE IT TO YOU BEFORE EVERYTHING WENT PEAR-SHAPED.

LOOK, YOU SEE?

ALL THE DOCUMENTS IN YOUR NAME.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

OH, COME ON, IT'S ONLY A CAR.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AND BUY SOME WEDDING PRESENTS WHILE I'M DOING THE SHOW?

THE MARGARITA MIXER OR WHATEVER IT IS.

BLENDER.

YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT THE MILLION-DOLLAR JAM JARS, I'M COOL.

ATTICUS, SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO COME.

WHAT?

SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO COME.

TO THE WEDDING?

YEAH.

YOU TOOK IT TOO FAR.

MARK AND EVERYTHING...

BUT WE WERE JUST JOKING AROUND.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER MET THE GUY. I KNOW.

ANNABEL'S JUST TRYING TO KEEP THE PEACE.

SHE THINKS HIS PARENTS ARE FREAKING OUT.

IT'S BEST FOR EVERYBODY IF, YOU KNOW, YOU SIT THIS ONE OUT.

LOOK, SHE SAYS SHE'LL COME VISIT YOU STRAIGHT AFTER THE WEDDING.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I GET IT.

SORT OF.

WAIT, YOU BETTER TAKE MY JACKET.

YOU CAN'T TURN UP TO THE REHEARSAL DINNER IN THAT PIECE OF SHIT.

THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE A SHMUCK.

ACTUALLY, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE MINE, TOO.

IF YOU GO IN WEARING A FEMINIST T-SHIRT, CHARLIE WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

UH-HUH.

ENJOY THE CAR.


YOU'VE JUST TURNED 70.

THANK YOU FOR TELLING EVERYBODY.

YOU PLAYED SUCH A WIDE ASSORTMENT OF ROLES, AND NOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO PLAY GOD. YEAH.

WHAT I MEAN IS, HAVE YOU REACHED THE LEVEL THAT YOU'VE KNOWN OR HOPED THAT YOU COULD REACH?

YES.

YOU'VE BEEN FAMOUS FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE.

IT MUST BE DIFFICULT. WELL, YOU KNOW, EVERY JOB HAS ITS PLUSES AND MINUSES, YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING IN RESTAURANTS, IS IT...

I'VE JUST DISCOVERED FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS.

YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME.

NO, NO, I'M NOT. I'M BEING SERIOUS.

I DROVE HERE FROM L.A. WITH MY SON.

AND EVERYWHERE YOU GO, THERE ARE THESE FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS.

AND THEY'RE TERRIFIC.

YOU DROVE ACROSS THE UNITED STATES WITH YOUR SON?

YEAH. WHY?

BECAUSE MY HEART IS SHOT...

BECAUSE I'M PROBABLY AN ALCOHOLIC, AND I COULD DROP DEAD AT ANY MINUTE, AND MY DOCTORS WOULDN'T LET ME FLY.

I REALLY DON'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT WANTING HIM HERE.

I CERTAINLY DON'T. MOM, CALM DOWN.

I'M CALM, OKAY?

HEY, I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND.

OKAY. IS IT TIME?


MM, GOD. SO, WHAT?

OH, JESUS!

YOU WERE NEVER GONNA HAVE THE OPERATION?

AH.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD BALLSACK CANCER.

TESTICULAR.

WHATEVER.

HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW?

HOW DID I KNOW?

PRIVACY REALLY IS DEAD. YOU'RE LIKE THE FUCKING NSA.

LOOK, ADAM...

ATTICUS... NO, WAIT, LISTEN TO ME.

I'VE GIVEN THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT.

IF I DO CROAK...

I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY NUTS.

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

I KNOW THEY'RE BIGGER, BUT THEY CAN PROBABLY MAKE THEM FIT.

THE PET SCAN CAME BACK NEGATIVE.

I'M FINE. THEY JUST HAVE TO REMOVE THE ONE TESTICLE.

OH, JESUS, GOD.

NO, NO, THAT'S GOOD NEWS.

I THOUGHT THE CANCER HAD SPREAD.

THEY SAY I'M GONNA BE FINE NOW.

OH, WELL, THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

UNI-BALL, EH? HA!

OH, JESUS.

YOU'VE BEEN WORRYING ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME, AND YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME.

YOU CERTAINLY SHOULD'VE TOLD CLEMENTINE.

YEAH, I KNOW. I WANTED TO.

GOD, I WANTED TO.

I WAS SCARED.

HMM.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE YOUR PILLS?

BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME I COULDN'T FUCK ON THEM.

OH, JESUS, DAD, THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN FUCKING.

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT.

BUT IT ALL GOES BY SO FAST.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT... IT MIGHT BE OVER.

SO, WHAT? YOU WERE JUST GONNA DO NOTHING?

I JUST WANT MORE TIME.

I KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HAVE THEY THROWN YOU OUT OF THE WEDDING, TOO?

I CAME BACK TO GET YOU.

SHE DOESN'T WANT ME THERE.

WELL, COME ON.

WHEN HAS THAT EVER STOPPED YOU?

WHERE'D YOU GET THIS TUX? WHY? YOU LIKE IT?

NO, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT.

YOU LOOK LIKE A MAITRE D'. COME ON.

HEY, WHY DON'T WE MAKE AN ENTRANCE, EH?

TAKE THE ROOF OFF.

BLOODY SPORTS CAR.

OKAY, SLOW DOWN.

CHRIST, IT'S MY MONEY IN THOSE BALLOONS, YOU KNOW?

GOOD LUCK.

YEAH, UH...

OKAY.

MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM.


SORRY WE'RE LATE, SWEETHEART.

I...

I CAN'T BE... I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.

I KNOW YOU TOLD ME NOT TO COME, BUT...

I'LL PROBABLY BE DEAD IN A FORTNIGHT, SO I THOUGHT WHAT THE HELL?

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL, FORGIVING PERSON AND THAT MAKES ME WORRY THAT YOU'RE NOT A GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER.

WHAT?

THIS GUY... THIS GUY MARK.

IS HE FULL OF SHIT?

NO.

I MEAN, DOES HE DESERVE YOU?

YES.

REALLY?

YES. REALLY?

YES, DAD. I'M MARRYING HIM.

WELL, I MEAN, I KNOW YOUR...

YOUR MUM'S HUSBAND'S PROBABLY A NICE GUY, BUT...

YOU'RE MY ONLY DAUGHTER.

I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE YOU DOWN THE AISLE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT EVERYTHING?

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU OKAY?


NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU'VE MET BEFORE. SEVERAL TIMES.

HAVE I? YEAH.

HI. OH.

SAY YOU'RE SORRY. WHAT?

"SORRY."

ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

YOU TAKE CARE OF HER OR I'LL BUST YOUR BALLS, ALL RIGHT? HMM.

HI, DOROTHY.

PISS OFF.

WELCOME!

OKAY, SLUGGER!

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO, HUH?

HA-HA!

AH!

OH!

HOME RUN.

HEY.

GOOD GOD, WHO'S THAT?

OH, GOD.

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, COME AND DANCE WITH ME?

YES. YES, LEAVE YOUR OLD MAN.

DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM.

WELL, IT HASN'T SPREAD, THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

OH, REALLY?

I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME?

HE WAS ABOUT TO FIRE YOU. I HAD TO TALK HIM DOWN.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, JIMMY, YOU CAN TELL JACK TO SHOVE "GOD" UP HIS CAPACIOUS ASS.

REALLY? YEAH.

I MEAN, IT'S A MIRACLE HE STILL EVEN WANTS YOU.

NO, I...

IF I HAVE TO HAVE THIS FUCKING OPERATION, IF I SURVIVE, THEN...

I JUST WANT TO DO DECENT STUFF.

I DON'T WANT TO DO CRAP, OKAY?

YEAH, FUCK HIM.

ALL RIGHT. BYE.

HAPPY?

YEAH.

THANK YOU, BY THE WAY.

WHAT FOR?

SHE TOLD ME YOU CALLED HER.

HOW COULD I HAVE CALLED HER?

YOU'VE HAD MY FUCKING PHONE ALL WEEK.

BEEN SO LONG, I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO USE IT.

NO, OF COURSE.

SO, WHAT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA PLAY GOD?

NAH, THE SCRIPT STINKS.

I'D MUCH PREFER TO PLAY THE DEVIL ANYWAY.

TAKE IT OVER TO THE DARK SIDE.

GOOD.

YEAH, IT'S GOOD, I THINK.

YOU KNOW...

YOU SHOULD GO AND COMFORT HER...

BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE DOES.

ME, FOR EXAMPLE.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

CAREFUL, TIGER. CAREFUL, CAREFUL, CAREFUL.

HEY.

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT?

NOTHING.