An Officer and a Gentleman (1982) Script

Passengers arriving on Philippine Airlines Flight 118...

...welcome to Manila International Airport. Those passengers...

Hey.

Hey, kid. Are you Zack? Yes, sir.

I'm Byron. Nice to meet you.

Come on. Let's get your bags. Okay? Yes, sir.

Take your jacket off, kid. It's hot as hell here.

This is the P.I. It's what we call the Philippine Islands.

Zack, I'm sorry about what happened to your mom. It must've been rough.

I would have called you a lot sooner, but I was out at sea.

But I've been calling you for four months.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. I was out at sea for four months.

All right, kid. These are your mama-sans, Tiki and Maria.

Hello, Byron.

Come here. I want you to meet somebody. This is my son, Zack.

Tiki, say hello. Zack, Tiki and Maria.

Hi, Zack. Hi, Zack.

I'm out at sea three weeks out of every month.

When I'm in port, I don't have time for daddy stuff. That's not who I am.

That's okay, sir. Kid, you don't understand.

I'm too old for this. I don't care what the Navy says.

This is no place to bring up a kid. I told you on the telephone.

You're better off in that state school in Virginia. I'm never going back! They treat me like shit.

Maybe that's not for you to say! Goddamn it, don't look at me that way!

What happened to your mother had nothing to do with me!

It did. You said you were going to come back!

Is that what she said? That's a female lie. That's bullshit! That's a lie!

I found your letters. I read them after she did it.

You said you were gonna come back. You said you loved her.

And she believed you. You're a liar.

Motherfucker.

Handsome. Grow up, boy. I'll wait for you.

You want to go to school? I'll teach you nice.

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Chicken feet, monkey meat. Come on, you buy. Buy! Monkey meat.

Hey, sailor. What ship are you from?


Hey, what are you doing?

Big spender. Give us your money! I don't have any money.

Bullshit, get it out! No!

Leave me alone! Agh!

Leave me alone. Oh. Ha-ha-ha!

Holy shit!

Watch it. I gotta heave. Jesus Christ.

Give me a towel.

Pretty fucking wild.

Holy shit.

Not as wild as that night we banged three stewardesses in Manila.

Bet you didn't get it on like that in that jerk-water college you graduated from.

How long are you going to hang around Seattle?

Get ready, man. This one is gonna blow you away.

Nothing you do is ever going to surprise me. Ha-ha-ha.

Tell me. I joined the Navy.

You joined the Navy? That's right. I joined the Navy.

I'm on my way over to Port Rainier now, this officer's training school over there.

What for? Jets. I want to fly jets.

This place is only a couple of hours from here. Maybe you want to come visit. All right?

Who put that idea in your head?

Nobody. It just come to me. Ha-ha-ha.

Heh, what's so funny?

Ha, ha. You, man. It's like saying you're going to run for fucking president.

For Christ's sake, look at yourself.

Officers don't have tattoos.

Look, I'll see you, man. All right? Hey.

Zack, don't be pissed off. I'm not pissed off.

Yeah, you are pissed off. Come on. I'm on your side.

I don't want to see you do something you're going to regret.

You gotta give six years to the Navy if you want to fly.

Six fucking years with the most uptight assholes God put on this earth.

Officers, man, they're not like you and me. They're a different breed.

You know what this sounds like?

Sounds like you're afraid you might have to salute me some day, chief.

Bullshit. Why would I be afraid of that? I don't know. It sounds that way.

You want some fatherly bullshit, a pat on the back.

From you? No. Heh.

Thanks for my graduation present. See you around.

Zack, don't go away mad. Hey, babe. Zack, come on.

Zack!


Fall in!

I said, fall in, you slimy worms!

Put your toes on the edge of that chalk line!

I said, put your toes on the edge of this chalk line, you slimy worms!

Attention!

I don't believe what I'm seeing.

Where have you been all your lives, at an orgy?

Listening to Mick Jagger music and bad-mouthing your country, I bet.

Stop eyeballing me. You're not worthy of looking your superiors in the eye.

Use peripheral vision. Understand? Yes, sir.

Every time I say "understand," I want the whole group to say, "Yes, sir."

Understand? Yes, sir!

I know why most of you are here.

I'm not stupid.

Before you get to sell what we teach you over at United Airlines...

...you've got to give the Navy six years of your lives, sweet pea.

Lots of things can happen in six years. Another war can come up in six years.

If you're too peaceful a person to dump napalm on an enemy village...

...where there might be women and children...

...I'm going to find that out.

Understand? Yes, sir!

Hi, son.

How are you doing, sarge?

What did you call me?

Pardon? What did you call me, boy?

I called you "sarge." Before that.

I didn't call you anything. You said, "How are you?"

I am not a ewe, boy. A ewe is a female sheep.

Is that what you think I am, boy? No.

No, sir! No, sir.

Louder, sweet pea. No, sir!

You want to fuck me up the ass? Is that why you called me a ewe, boy?

Are you a queer? Hell no, sir.

Where are you from? Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, sir.

Ah!

Only two things come out of Oklahoma.

Steers and queers.

Which one are you, boy?

I don't see no horns, so you must be a queer.

No, sir. Stop whispering.

You're giving me a hard-on. No, sir!

Were you laughing at me, dick brain? No, sir!

Better stop eyeballing me, boy.

I'll rip your eyeballs out of the sockets and skull fuck you to death.

Yes, sir! What's your name, boy?

Mayo. Zack Mayo, sir.

How did you slip into this program? I didn't know the Navy was so hard up.

You got an injury there, Mayo?

Not exactly, sir.

Hey. This is really wonderful work. Where did you get this, Mayo?

Subic Base, Philippines, sir. Ah.

Thought I recognized the work.

Be proud of them wings. They're the only ones you're gonna leave here with...

...Mayonnaise.

What's your name, boy? Emiliano Santos Della Serra, sir.

Mm-hm. You don't say. Are you a college boy, Della Serra?

Yes, sir. Math major, sir. Graduated from Texas Tech with honors, sir.

I see.

Do you see this cane, Della Serra? See the notches near the handle?

There's a notch for every college puke, like you...

...who I got to D.O. R, that's drop on request, from this program.

And the first one I'm going to carve out of this class is you, Emiliano.

I expect to lose half of you before I'm finished.

I will use every means necessary, fair and unfair, to trip you up.

To expose your weaknesses as a potential aviator and human being.

Understand? Yes, sir!

The prize at the other end is a flight education worth $1 million.

But first you've got to get past me.

Hey, Paula! It's 5:00! Where's the goddamn whistle?

Three.

Oh, shit.

Whoo!

Come on, Paula. Let's go. Turn that thing off.

Next.

Oh, shit.

Now, this is my idea of an ass bandit.

Wait till some of the local girls get a look at you, scrotum head.

Heh, scrotum head.

You think that's funny, Worley?

Not all the obstacles that can trip you up are on this base.

Let me tell you something about the local girls.

Ever since there's been a naval base here...

...there's been what you might call the Puget Sound debs.

That's poor girls coming across the sound on the ferry every weekend...

...with just one thing in mind.

And that's to marry themselves a naval aviator.

You want me to leave You want me to stay A Puget deb will tell you, "Don't worry about contraceptives.

I got that all taken care of." Don't you believe a word of it.

A Puget deb will do and say anything to trap you.

I know this sounds silly to you, especially in this modern age...

...but you college pukes had better watch out, because they're out there...

...and you, sweet peas, are the answer to their dreams.

Treat me right Treat me right Open your eyes, maybe you'll see the light Oh, treat me right All right, hurry up! On the double now!

You lard asses, I'm going to fix you.

Come on! Get up there! Quick! On the double, Mayonnaise!

Come on! Little-girl poopies to the left, little-boy poopies to the right.

Come on, let's go. What a motley bunch. Get in there.

All right, quick. On the double!

How's it going?

You got to be kidding. How do they expect me to get down in there?

One of you want to switch bunks? Those are assigned.

Yeah, I don't think we can.

Who the hell is that guy? Your mom and dad for the next 13 weeks.

All right, fall out! Get outside, on the double. Come on out here!

Quick! Out the door! On the double!

Quick! Quick! Quick! More! More! More!

You and you, get down and give me 50. Count them.

Count them!

You think there's truth to what he said about those girls?

Shh. Puget debs?

Sure there is, sweet pea. Still?

Should have warned you female types about the Puget dudes.

They say they're wearing a rubber, but there's a hole in the bottom.

Heh. Very funny, Mayo. Seeger! Mayo! Worley!

If you got energy to run those sewers...

...get over there and give me 50! On the double! Right now!

All right, poopie-asses, get your faces down there!

Pump them out! You women better not expect special privileges.

You think flying a plane is just sitting on a chair pushing buttons?

Looks like you need a little work in your upper-body strength, Seeger.

All right, all right. Get up. Get up!

Step out.

Get back in line. You watch. Go on!

Pilots off the Lexington ought to be getting to the officer's club now.

You sure got the timetable down, Lynette.

After three years, you learn all the tricks.

Did you see that bodacious set of ta-tas?

Hi, Mrs. Rufferwell. I brought the records the social committee asked for.

You're pissing me off, boys.

Thirty-eight, 39...

The Blue Angels will be in next month. You need an introduction, let me know.

Bye, for now. Bye.

Far fucking out! Shh! Shh.

I've been wanting to meet one of those Blue Angels since I can remember.

Look at the poopies. Poor guys. Oh, ha, ha.

See you in a month when you get liberty!

Don't worry, it grows out an inch by then!

Ain't gonna be no liberty for you, boys. You'll be going home before then.

Start from one again. One... Two, three...

Flying low and feeling mean Flying low and feeling mean Spot a family by the stream Spot a family by the stream Pickle a pair and hear them scream Pickle a pair and hear them scream

'Cause napalm sticks to kids 'Cause napalm sticks to kids That is disgusting! What are you doing here, Seeger?

Am I threatening you?

We'll send you to war. Get your ass shot down.

I wouldn't mind being the first woman to fly fighters in combat.

Go in my place. Going for jets?

Uh-huh. All the way. How about you, Mayo?

Jets. I hate to tell you...

...but they only let two of each class go to jets. Which one of you is going with me?

Me. Me.

Talking in the ranks again. You three just added two miles to this hike.

For everybody. Come on, let's go.

Family of gooks are sitting in a ditch Family of gooks are sitting in a ditch Little baby's sucking on his momma's tit Little baby's sucking on his momma's tit Chemical firms don't give a shit Chemical firms don't give a shit That napalm sticks to kids That napalm sticks to kids

Get over there! Let's go!

Move it up here! Get up here!


All right, everybody up! Up on your feet!

I don't want to see nothing coming out of your mouths either!

Come on! Let's go! Get into shape around here! Stand straight up!

All right, get out of the way!

Lift your head and hold it high Lift your head and hold it high The best in the regiment is running on by The best in the regiment is running on by

That could be you at the end of 13 weeks.

For those of you who might survive. You don't deserve to look at them!

Della Serra, turn your back!

You are without a doubt the most pathetic class I've ever been assigned to.

You chump. Four weeks and you still can't shine a damn buckle.

Shoot me a Kotex, buddy.

Be careful where you stick that. Heh.

Five minutes to inspection, Mayo.

Where's your money?

Boonies.

You better hope Foley never finds out about that, Mayo.

Hey, Perryman?

Look what I've got here, man.

Ooh! Ooh.

Look at that. Look at them buckles, man.

Look good, huh? Whoo! Ten bucks.

Fifteen for the boonies. Who the hell's got 10 bucks?

I spend every penny they pay me to keep my old lady and my kid in that motel.

You're breaking my heart, Perryman.

Who have you got doing this stuff for you?

Some enlisted guy, right?

Hey, tell me something. Watch the sheets, man.

Look, is that change you're making from that stuff...

...worth all of us getting kicked out of here on an honor's violation? Huh?

I don't see anybody else complaining about it, Perryman. Excuse me.

Ready? Go.


Look out, Worley, coming through. The hell you say.

Here I come.

Out of my way, Mayo. Gonna put my name on that wall.

Underneath mine. Fuck!

Give me the rope, give me the rope.

Shit!

Goddamn, Mayonnaise. Unh.

Two twenty-five. Not bad for a beginner.

Piece of cake.

Let's go now! Come on, Schneider! Come on, Schneider!

Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go! You guys are bringing up the rear!

You ain't getting out of here until you get over that wall, Seeger.

I'll make it, sir! Hurry up.

Come on, get over there!

You really want to be a man?

You one of those little girls who didn't get your daddy's attention...

...because he wanted a son, Seeger?

That's it. That's what's will beat you every time, Seeger.

Your mental attitude of a person of the female persuasion.

Deep down, under all that bullshit...

...you're still thinking like a second-class citizen, Seeger.

You can never give orders to men!

Agh! Walk around. Walk around, sugar breeches.

Bernoulli's equation gives us the total energy contained in the air flow.

P is static pressure in pounds per square foot.

Rho is air density in slugs per cubic foot.

And velocity is in feet per second.

Two thousand pounds per square foot for your static pressure.

An air density of one, which is sea level. A velocity of 100 knots.

Solve the total amount of energy in the air flow.

Let's see them.

All right. What about the buckles?

Okay, all right. 20 bucks, right? Hey, bud.

Beat it.

What are you laughing about?

I thought that's how you did it. Did what?

Did what? Come on, Santa Claus. Ha, ha.

You're not gonna tell anybody, are you? Not if you make it worth my while.

Free boonies for the duration. That's fair.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

You get me through aerodynamics, you can write your own ticket, my friend.

You got a deal.

I'm comin' home, I've done my time And I got to know what is and isn't mine If you received my letter Telling you I'd soon be free Then you'll know just what to do If you still want me If you still want me George Jones, where are you when we need you most?

It's been three long years Do ya still want me If I don't see a ribbon 'Round the ole oak tree Hey, two o'clock. Moving in, Della Serra.

Radar's up, scoping the target area. Ha-ha-ha.

Uh-oh. Zero in, slick it back. There he goes.

Who will be the lucky deb? Is it the blond? Is it the brunette?

Score! He's got her.

Oh, my God. Check Perryman.

Five years of marriage, still in love. It's what life's all about.

Hey, Seeger.

Remember that bodacious set of ta-tas and her pal?

There they are, bud.

I think we ought to do something about it.

Captain, it's so nice to meet you.

The boys speak so highly of you.

Lynette, he has several people to meet. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Uh...? Captain Rufferwell.

Mrs. Rufferwell? Hello, captain.

Could you introduce us to these two young ladies, please?

Paula, Lynette.

Miss Paula Pokrifki, Miss Lynette Pomeroy.

May I present Officer Candidate Sid Worley and Officer Candidate Zachary Mayo.

Well, I hope you have a good time.

We already met. We did?

Uh-huh.

You said it would grow an inch by now.

That was you guys? Yeah.

Would you like to dance? Sure.

It's grown out more than an inch, pal.

'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see I'm really still in prison And my love, she holds the key A simple yellow ribbon's what I need Would you like to get a drink? Sure.

Let's go.

So, what kind of a name is Pokrifki? Polish.

What kind of a name is Mayo? Italian. My mom was Irish.

No, thank you. I think I got her ears.

Heh, oh, yeah? Yeah.

The rest is all wop.

Where are you from, Mayo the Wop?

Everywhere, nowhere, Paula the Polack.

Seriously. Seriously.

My father is a rear admiral, 7th Fleet. You're kidding.

No, we've lived in ports all over the world.

Kathmandu, Moscow, Nairobi.

Really? I've never been out of Washington.

Wait a minute. You're kidding me, right?

We don't have any naval bases in Moscow. No.

No, I didn't think so.

So, uh, you got a girl, Mayo the Wop?

No.

I ain't looking for one either.

What are you looking for?

You know, I heard about these girls that come to these things looking for a husband.

Not me.

Oh, yeah? Why are you here?

To meet interesting people, improve myself.

What do you do? Go to school? No, I've got a job.

I work over at National Paper. It's a real good job.

I'm going to save enough money to travel.

I think I'd like to go to Moscow.

Have you been through the Dilbert Dunker yet?

No, but my father and my brother both made it, so I guess I can too.

Is your brother a flyer? He was. He got killed.

Vietnam? Yeah.

My brother died over there too. He wasn't a flyer, though.

I was only 12 when it happened. I don't remember much about him.

I sure remember Tommy. Do you mind if we talk about something else?

We don't have to talk about anything at all.


So do you think you'll make it all the way to getting your wings?

Who knows? Guys a lot smarter than me have been dropping out like flies.

You gotta say you're going to do it. You gotta program yourself.

It'll happen. You gotta see yourself making it.

I know, because I read this article in Cosmo about that very thing.

I swear.

Paula.

You are a very, very pretty girl.

Do you want to go somewhere else?

Come on.

Fall out, Worley.

Something tells me you girls have been here before.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Ow! Stop it. You're gonna ruin it. I'm sorry.

I'll do it.

Are you sure this is okay?

Don't worry. I'll respect you in the morning. Heh.

You're crazy, girl.

You'll respect me.

I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Didn't you like the band? Not much.

You didn't like "Tie A Yellow Ribbon"? Ha.

Their rendition was one of the...

Let's go down to the beach. That sounds good.

Class, halt!

Fall out!


Look at Foley. Can you believe it? Showboating.

All right, listen up.

I am the base martial arts instructor.

Those of you in 1-5 must desist in thinking of me...

...as the drill instructor for the next 60 minutes.

Just think of me as the enemy.

Heh. Do you believe this guy?

May I have a volunteer, please?

Daniels. I see you hiding back there. Get up here quick.

Put him in the hospital. He can't touch me, it's against the law.

Kick his ass. Let's go.

Come on up here, son.

Hello, pussy. How bad do you want to survive?

Sir, this officer candidate doesn't understand the drill instructor's question, sir.

Ah.

Let's see if I can clarify it.

You want to survive bad enough to stop me, pussy?

Are you relying on my generosity to stop me from killing you?

Can't breathe.

Break loose, break loose!

I can't breathe.

Get away from here.

You're not hurt. I could have killed you if I wanted to. Move off.

Get out of here. Hurry up. Get back to your seat.

You think I was really harsh on your classmate, don't you?

Just wait till you get shot down behind enemy lines.

The only thing between you and a POW camp is what you learn from me.

Now that I've got your attention, we shall proceed with the class.

God, I hope she shows.

She's going to show. She will show.

A rich, socialite Okie like you ought to be a big catch around these parts.

I ain't rich. You're an officer's kid.

So what?

Man, I spent six years living on top of the raunchiest whorehouse in the P.I.

You want number one fucky-fucky?

Long time, short time. Ten dollars. Cheap-cheap.

Ten bucks? Ha-ha-ha. Ten dollars. Ten dollars.

Lynette, honey, how's it hanging? Don't drool on her, boy.

Hi, baby. Hi.

Pansy-assed fly boys.

I remember you. Mayo the Wop. Heh. Yeah, that's me.

It's good to see you.

I was looking forward to it.

Me too.

Uh, excuse me. Ahem.

You guys want to hang out here, or can I suggest an alternate plan? Heh.

Like pick up a bottle and go to a motel? Just like that, ha-ha-ha.

What do you think? Huh?

I vote for a motel.

My kind of group. Mm.

Troy, here they come.

Well, make way for the warmongers.

What did you call us? A warmonger. Ain't that what you are?

Yeah, all right.

I thought he wanted to dance with you.

I'd like to ask you something. What do you want?

You come up here for a couple of months, you rich college boys.

You're strutting around in your ice-cream outfits like you own the place.

Who do you think you are? I don't want to fight you.

I do not want to fight. Why don't you go inside and cool down?

I ain't finished talking to you, sailor boy.

Get him, Troy.

Oh, my God. Hey, back off, man.

That's enough, man. Holy shit, check his nose.

He broke his nose. You asshole!

Come on.

I've never seen anything like that in my whole life.

Did you see that guy's nose? Shut up until we get to the motel.

Excuse me for living.

Asshole.

I shouldn't have done it. I should have walked away.

Zack, he didn't give you a choice. Everybody's always got a choice.

Where did you learn to fight like that? I don't want to talk about it now.

All right.

Zack, it wouldn't kill you to open up to me a little bit.

What do you want? You want to fuck?

Come here. Get on the bed. Take your clothes off.

I'll give you a good fuck. Where's that coming from?

Get on the bed.

I wouldn't fuck you now if my life... Then get the hell out of here! I don't need this.

I don't know who you think you're talking to. I'm not some whore you brought in here.

I'm trying to be your friend. Then be a friend. Get out of here.

Fine. Fine.

You ain't nothing special. No manners! You treat women like whores.

If you ask me, you ain't got no chance of being no officer.

Hey. Shh.

Shh, shh.

Shh.

It's okay. It's all right.

Shh.

I'm sorry.


Are you hungry? Yeah, I'm starved.

Skivvies? Pretty sexy, huh?

Sporty. Control yourself, baby.

Wow.

Mm. Good.

Look, Paula...

...I try hard not to fool anybody about who I am, what I want.

So if you got... I know who you are and what you want.

What do you want? A good time until you have to leave.

That's it? Mm-hm.

Hey.

Last night was incredible. I thought so too.

Zack, am I your fantasy? What?

I'm not going to get serious on you, but I dare you not to fall in love with me.

I mean, how can you resist? I'm like candy.

You are better than candy.

It's going to be very hard to get enough. Very hard. Very hard.

Getting feisty on me, you little Polack? Ha-ha-ha.

You little cocky Polack. Oh!

What do you do with a girl when you're through with her, huh?

Do you say something, or do you just disappear? Huh?

I've never had a girl.

I forgot to thank you for breakfast. Any time, sailor.

Heads up, Perryman.

When you hit the water, you might get the wind knocked out of you.

Don't panic.

You've got a second and a half before the cage is underwater...

...and it flips upside down. Go, Joe.

The most important thing is to watch your bubbles.

When that cage flips upside down, you're gonna be disoriented.

Like Perryman down there. The bubbles will determine which way is up.

Holy shit.

All right, time's up. Go down for him, Jason.

This is what happens if you panic. You can die down there.

This is only a pool. In the Pacific, you won't have a frogman to save your ass.

Totally unsatisfactory, Perryman. Get in the back of the line. Do it again.

You only got two more chances to make it, or you're out.

All right, next.

Hold it. Change in order.

Mayo, since you're hot shot of the week, you're next.

Aye, aye, sir. Seeger. You're behind him.

Yes, sir.

You ought to be good at this, Mayo. Something you can do alone.

Take him up, Joe!

You never know in this program what's going to trip you up.

It could be the grade or some flaw in your character that comes out under stress.

Let's go, Joe.


All right. Way to go.

Seeger, you're next.

All right, Seeger, let's go. Get a move on.

Joe, take her up.

Don't you cry now, sugar breeches. Go, Joe.

All right, Seeger! Whoo. All right.

Good girl.

Oh, gosh, that was great! Think they'd let us do it again?

Not bad, Seeger. But you still gotta get over that wall.

Next.

Come on, Daniels, let's move it. Take it easy now. Just a joyride.

Does this thing hit with the same impact as a plane?

This is nothing compared to a plane. Don't forget to watch the bubbles.

All right, Joe, take him up.

Daniels, let's have that thumbs up.

Come on, Daniels. Where's the thumbs up?

Go, Joe.


Hold it, take it easy.

Pull it back up. I can't. It's gonna take a couple seconds.

All right, let me through.

Put him on his belly.

Take his helmet off! Quick! Goddamn.

Somebody get me a corpsman.

Get me a corpsman on the double. Yes, sir.

Just stand back.

Breathe, man, breathe.

All right. All right.

Is that corpsman on the way?

Somebody check on that corpsman. He's going to be all right. Take it easy.

Prepare for inspection!

Shit. I am not going to make it.

Help me out, Sid. You got a spare?

No, man. My spare sucks. You know where the hardware store is.

Zack, I need a buckle, man.

I can't risk it. You got plenty of time. He's still with the girls.

I can't do it. I got to see my family.

I couldn't take it if he wouldn't let me out.

Wouldn't want you to get an honor violation, Perryman.

Okay.

Attention on deck!

In every class there's always one joker who thinks he's smarter than me.

In this class that happens to be you, isn't it, Mayonnaise?

Perryman, Worley, let us have this room.

On the double.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Stow it.

Mayo, I want you D.O.R.

No, sir. You can kick me out of here, but I ain't quitting.

Get into your fatigues, Mayo.

By the end of this weekend, you'll quit.

Casey Jones was a son of a bitch Casey Jones was a son of a bitch Drove his train in a 30-foot ditch Drove his train in a 30-foot ditch Came on out with his dick in his hand Came on out with his dick in his hand Said, "Listen, ladies, I'm a hell of a man" Said, "Listen, ladies, I'm a hell of a man"

Went to his room and lined up a hundred Went to his room and lined up a hundred Swore up and down he'd fuck every one Swore up and down he'd fuck every one Fucked 98 till his balls turned blue Fucked 98 till his balls turned blue Then he backed off, jacked off and fucked the other two Wave goodbye to your buddies, Mayo.

I forgot. You don't have any buddies, only customers.

Are you having fun, Mayonnaise? Yes, sir!

Can't hear you! All right! Yes, sir!

Ninety-eight, 99.

No, get your face all the way down in there.

Hundred.

Are you ready to quit now, Mayo? No, sir!

Look over there, Mayo.

Look over there, look at her.

She decided to stay instead of taking liberty this weekend.

She may not make it, but she's got more heart and more character than you'll ever have.

Stop eyeballing me!

Life sure has dealt you some shitty cards, hasn't it?

I'm doing all right, sir.

Six. Bullshit.

I've done some checking. I've looked through your files.

I know about your momma. Don't you eyeball me again.

I know your father is an alcoholic and a whore chaser.

That's why you don't mesh. Because deep down...

Don't you eyeball me, boy!

Deep down inside you know these other boys and girls are better than you.

Isn't that right? No, sir! No, sir!

What's the matter, Mayo? Are you getting tired? I'm not. Move it!

This is where the fun starts. Move it!

You've got all day tomorrow to look forward to. Come on!

Ah-ah-ah. Six inches off the ground.

Now give me 6 to 90. Agh.

Hey, Mayo...

...why don't we quit this charade of yours over a couple of beers at TJ's?

You're about as close to being officer material as me.

This candidate believes he would make a good officer.

No way. You don't give a shit about anybody. Every one of your classmates knows it.

You think they'd trust you behind the controls of a plane they'd have to fly in?

I picture you as the guy who would zip off in my F-14 and sell it to the Cubans.

No, sir! I love my country.

Sell it to the Air Force, Mayo.

Talk to me. Why would a slick little hustler like you want to sign up for this abuse?

I want to fly jets, sir. My grandmamma wants to fly jets.

I wanted to since I was a kid!

We're not talking about flying, we're talking about character.

I've changed since I've been here. The hell you have!

I've changed, sir!

You've just polished up your act, just shined it up.

Now tell me what I want to hear.

I want your D.O.R. No, sir.

I ain't gonna quit. Spell it! D-O-R!

Then you and your daddy can get drunk and go whore chasing.

No, sir! I ain't going to quit! D.O.R.

Then you can forget it! You're out!

Don't you do it! Don't you...

I got nowhere else to go!

I got nowhere else to...

I got nothing else.

All right, Mayo. On your feet.


Come on, Mayo. Let's get back to the barracks.

Hey, Foley!

Zack, don't give up! You got that queer on the run!

Kiss this, Foley! Ha, ha! Hang in there, Zack!

Friends of yours, Mayo? Don't give up the ship, Mayo!

Yes, sir.

We're with you, Zack! Aah! Don't quit, Zack, you can make it!

All right, you've got some urinals to clean. Move out.

Foley's a queer! He got his balls shot off in the war!

So you're still here, Mayo.

Sid? Yeah.

Thanks.

Sid.

Take a look at that.

That son of a bitch.


Do you want me to get a towel? I'll get one if you want.

No, I don't want you to move. I don't want to move.

Somebody's gotta move sometime.

Eventually.

"They found them there weeks later, shriveled from lack of food and water."

Bye, Zachary. Ha-ha-ha.

I laughed all week thinking about you guys on that boat.

We were so drunk.

That looks pretty sharp. Pretty sharp.

I'd love to be one of those girls in the flight program.

I think it'd be a gas to fly.

What's stopping you?

You know, all those magazines and what they say, it's just...

It's not so easy for a girl.

That's no excuse for not going out and getting what you want.

Just go get it.

And who says I'm not going after what I want?

Not me.

My mom's 39 years old. She still works over at that factory.

Every time I look at her, I know exactly what I don't want.

My old lady...

...took a bottle of pills one day when I was at school.

Oh, God.

The thing that got me about it...

...she didn't leave a note. She didn't...

Nothing. She just checked out.

I always hated her for that.

Oh, God.

That must really hurt.

Hurt? No.

No. You're all alone in the world.

Once you've got that down, nothing hurts anymore.

I bet most people would buy that line when you feed it to them, huh?

Huh?

Hmm?

Hey, are you really serious about having him over?

I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Paula, how far would you go to get Zack?

What do you mean? You know what I mean.

Would you let yourself get pregnant?

No way, Lynette. Come on, would you?

Well, I never used to think I'd do something like that.

I just don't know anymore.

Nine weeks just ain't long enough to get a guy to fall in love with you.

That doesn't justify trying to trap him or getting pregnant.

I can't believe you had that thought. It's real backward.

It ain't any more backward if you ask me.

The way these hot-shot assholes use us until they've had enough...

...and then ditch us like trash.

Don't you ever feel used, Paula? Don't you ever feel like:

"If this is all I get for my troubles, then the son of a bitch ought to be paying for it?"

No, I never feel like that.

Well, I do.

Thanks again for the flowers, Zack. Oh, it was my pleasure, ma'am.

Those are the most beautiful things I ever saw.

Wipe that stuff off your mouth.

Zack.

This is great.

Sir?

How many more weeks till graduation?

Oh, I have three more. Three more weeks.

Those are the roughest ones of all. That's what they tell me.

Sir, excuse me, but why do you keep staring at my food?

Or are you staring at me?

Staring at you. He doesn't mean anything by it.

Do you, Joe?

No, I don't mean anything by it.

Would you like more chicken, Zack?

No, thanks. In fact, I've had it. I can't eat another bite.

This was great. I'm stuffed too.

This is the best meal I've had in a long time, ma'am. Thank you.

Why don't we go, Zack? Thank you, Mom.

Thank you, Zack. Thanks again, ma'am.

Go on and eat.

Mama, mama.

Sorry. I'm so embarrassed, Zack.

I knew I shouldn't have brought you here.

That's okay. A great free meal. A nice relaxing dinner.

These people are so uptight. I feel sorry for you.

Don't feel sorry for me, I'm used to it. It's hereditary.

So anyway, after this you go to basic flight, which is in Pensacola, right?

Yeah, Pensacola.

Then, uh, we go to Beeville, Texas, when I get jets.

So after that. Don't you think about... I mean, come on.

What's after that? Family? Kids?

Do you think about all that?

No.

Is that what you think about? Sometimes.

If I could do a better job than them, I'd love it.

What would you do different? Everything.

First, I'd marry a man I really loved.

So why did your mom marry this guy, if she didn't love him?

Because my real father wouldn't marry her.

Your real father? My real father.

I'll show you my real father.

Pop.

I see your real father was an officer's candidate like me.

About 22 years ago. Jesus.

No wonder this guy was looking at me funny.

He always looks funny.

It's about time I got back to the wars. Yeah, I know.

Thank your mom for dinner again, okay?

Great chicken, huh? Yeah, I loved the chicken.

If you get a chance this week, give me a call, okay?

I'll try. I got survival training this week, so I can't make any promises.

No promises.

Zack, I didn't have to show you that picture if I didn't want to.

I just wanted to tell you that. Yeah, I know.

Be careful on that thing. Yeah.


Are you and Paula still seeing those flight candidates over at the base?

Why? Any reason we wouldn't be?

Three forty in the afternoon and not a word about what you're doing over the weekend.

Hi, I'd like to speak with Zack Mayo. He's an A.O.C. Candidate.

Could you look around for him? Tell him it's Paula.

Liberty time, boys and girls.

Fall out!

Aye, aye, sir!

Where are you going? Where's my bread?

Seeger, don't forget TJ's. I won't.

Hey, Mayo, you've got a phone call. Somebody named Paula.

Tell her I already split. Let's go!

Whoo! Ha, ha. Hey!

I see. Okay.

There comes a time.

Right after survival training they think they can make it without you.

Suddenly, they stop calling. Suddenly, they own the goddamn world.

They said that he had already left.

I don't think that he did.

He hasn't called by now, he ain't going to.

Bunny, why don't you just shut up?

You don't know so much. Clock me out, Lynette.

Paula, what are you doing?

May they all crash and burn.

Paula, wait! Where are you going? Let me go, Momma.

You're going to the base. Don't do it.

I love him. I can't just let him run off.

How are you going to stop him? I'm gonna think of a way.

No! No?

Honey, please. I can't let you do this. Don't go, baby. Please, don't go.

What are you crying about? Huh? Because I know what you're feeling.

What am I feeling? Don't do it. Let him go.

Don't trick him or try to trap him. I wouldn't do that!

Yes. I would never trap him.

If you go there tonight and find him, you'll say anything, baby. You will.

And God help you after that.

Momma, you're right.

Daddy, Zack's only two-tenths of a second off the all-time obstacle course record.

He's gonna break it before he leaves.

You are lucky you weren't in the program when I was.

You couldn't just quit the way you can now.

When I went through it, when my oldest boy went through it...

...if you bilged out, you were put into the fleet as a swabby.

That's interesting, sir. Sid, you haven't written Susan in three weeks.

We haven't had time to write anybody. I have written y'all but once.

It's incredible. Phew.

Right? Oh, yeah.

Who is this Susan, anyway? It's my girl back home.

I'm marrying her as soon as I get out of here.

She was Tommy's girl. They were supposed to get married before he got killed.

Uh-huh.

I don't know why I didn't tell you. I guess I didn't want you to think I was a shit.

I ain't your parents, you know.

Do you love this girl? The greatest chick you want to know.

She loves kids. Works with handicapped kids every afternoon.

That ain't what I'm talking about.

I asked you if you loved her. Everybody loves her.

I'm not gonna make that reunion tonight. Why not?

I'm meeting Lynette over at the Tides.

Best head in 52 states, man. What can I do?

No, no, no. You should have done what I did.

Break it off clean. Have it done with. Over. That's the best.

She was pretty torn up you didn't call, but I'm not supposed to tell you that.

Women, women, women.

They always say, "We'll have a good time, lots of laughs, no problems."

Doesn't work that way, does it?

Look out, TJ's. Here I come.

See you later, man.

To survival. To survival.

In spite of fear. Ha, ha.

In spite of Foley.

Is that your deb over there, Mayo?

She's pulling rank on you. That's a flight instructor.


I'll be back in a minute.

What are you doing here?

I thought it was time to see legendary TJ's once before I left here.

You come here a lot? I come here once in a while.

I'm sorry I didn't call you this weekend. This whole week has been unbelievable.

It's okay. How did survival training go?

I survived. You survived, obviously. Heh.

How was your week? It was good.

I'm gonna get a raise next month. That's great.

You guys are graduating in a couple of weeks?

Yeah, I'm starting to believe I'm actually going to make it.

You'll make it. Remember, I told you. You saw it, and it happened.

Yeah, you told me.

I gotta go. I have a date. So, uh...

Look, there's something I want to...

What?

I... I wanted to thank you.

I don't think I would have made it through this crazy thing...

...if I didn't have something to look forward to. Don't thank me. I had a good time.

And good luck in Pensacola with your flight training...

...and get jets, huh?

I'll see you, Zack.

Jay, give me another one.

In fact, leave the bottle. Give me the bottle and four shooters.

Come here, baby doll. Come here.

Come over here.

Sit down here for a second. I gotta tell you something.

I just had to have one more taste.

Does that stuff come in anything besides strawberry?

How about if I bring some coconut next time?

Sid, I really gotta go.

Shouldn't you have got your period by now?

I'm a little late, that's all.

How late are you? Why? What's the difference?

If anything was to happen, which I'm sure it's not, it'd be my responsibility.

Exactly how late are you? What do you care?

Suppose I was to get pregnant? I mean, just suppose it.

I'd never try to make you do something you didn't want to do.

Oh, I know.

But, uh, that's not the only issue. There's more to it than that.

What other issue is there, Sid?

Come here.

My responsibilities as a father, for one thing.

If I've got you pregnant, I want to do the right thing by you.

I wanna pay for the abortion.

I wanna be with you through the whole thing, we'd be going through it together.

So how late are you?

Let's just wait and see what happens, okay?

See you later.

I'll call you.

Fuck.

Go. Last chance for the record! Go!

Go for the record, Mayo! This is it, Mayonnaise. Go.

Go for it, man. Go get it. You got it!

Go, Mayo, push it! Get there. Put your name on that wall!

Come on, Mike, let's catch that animal!

Let's do this together, Seeger.

Come on. Forget it. Go for the record.

Come on, hurry up!

Go, go, go! Come on, you've got it!

Get up. Forget it.

You want jets? Then get up! You're going over that wall.

Start right here. Three steps. Right, left, right.

Hand over hand. Walk the wall.

Come on, Seeger. Let's go.

Left, right and pull. Walk that wall, Seeger!

Walk the wall! Hand over hand!

Walk it, walk it! Walk the wall! Unh. Unh!

Seeger! Walk! Seeger!

Don't you let go! You walk that wall! Agh!

Pull, Candidate Seeger. Pull, pull! You've got it. Pull over!

Pull over! Agh!

Pull yourself over!

All right!


Where's Sid?

What makes you think she's not lying?

She went to the doctor, she had the test, she's pregnant.

Okay, so get an abortion. I'd love to, believe me.

She won't even talk about it. She's Catholic.

Sid, you're not going to marry this girl.

She says it's up to me, but if I don't, she'll go off and have the baby.

So what? Women do it all the time. So what?

I can't let her have a kid by herself. It's my kid too.

Are you sure?

It's mine.

I'm sorry, all right?

Listen, what if Foley was right?

She got herself knocked up to trap you, is it still your responsibility?

That's not the point. No matter how it happened, there'd be a child that is mine.

I wouldn't know its name or nothing.

Jesus Christ, is everything your responsibility?

Sit. Adjust. Pray. Attack.

It's just like your brother getting killed.

It's the same thing as your brother. Him getting killed instead of you.

Isn't that the reason you promised to marry Susan?

Isn't the reason to do everything after some bullshit code of ethics?

It may be bullshit to you, buddy, but I wasn't raised that way.

We got a responsibility to the people in our lives.

It's the only thing that separates us from the animals.

I'm not like you. I can't shit all over people and just sleep like a baby.

You got responsibility to yourself first. If you can't handle that...

...you got bigger problems than making some girl pregnant!

Gentlemen, relax.

Without an oxygen mask at 30,000 feet...

...your insides will feel like this rubber glove.

Your co-ordination will deteriorate, and even childlike exercises will seem impossible.

Look for the warning signs: Giddiness, shortness of breath, claustrophobia.

They can hit you at any moment.

At the instant you feel yourself losing control, go back on oxygen.

That's the whole purpose of this drill.

Does everyone understand the exercises? Aye, aye.

Okay, everybody set? Let's see a thumbs up, please.

Very good. Everybody remove your mask, please.

All right. You can begin the exercises now.

Queen of diamonds.

Nine of diamonds.

If you have any problems, put your mask on.

Or if you have trouble doing that, raise your hand and the corpsman will assist.

Five of clubs. Ha-ha-ha.

How are you doing, Mayo and Seeger? Having trouble?

Concentrate. Try to make your palms meet.

Ace of spades.

How are you doing, Worley?

Worley, are you all right?

Worley, can you hear me? Ace of spades.

Worley, put your mask back on.

Sid, you okay? Sid, are you all right?

I got to get out of here. Worley, sit down!

Corpsman, we got a problem.

I've got to get out of here! Corpsman, get that mask on.

It's all right, breathe. Get out of here! It's all right. Breathe.

Mayo, they're watching.

One minute. We gotta stabilize the pressure.

Put your masks on. Come on, man, everybody's watching.

Breathe. Breathe.

Stay where you are. Leave your masks on.

He's got it now. He's got it.

It's okay. No problem. He's okay.

Colors!

Secure the halyard.

Charlie, take care of that.

What's going on?

You didn't kick him out? Didn't he tell you what he's been going through?

It doesn't matter. That's the purpose of this zoo.

What does matter is that he freaked out at 25,000 feet.

That can't happen ever.

He's got a girl, she's pregnant, she's putting him through hell.

That don't matter. Don't matter? You got two weeks left!

It could still happen to you, Mayonnaise. He ain't bullshitting you.

I'm talking to you, motherfucker! Don't fuck it up for you, man.

What did you call me?

I thought the D.I. Was supposed to help. What kind of a human being are you?

Lock it up, or you're gonna be going home with him.

Zack, go back to the barracks, please.

I don't get this. He's the best candidate in the class!

He's the best student, the best leader, the best friend to everybody.

Can't you bend your rules for once? He didn't ask me to D.O.R.

I went to him. What are you talking about?

I'm glad it's over. He was right. I was here for everybody but me.

I was here for my big brother.

Hey, buddy. Sid, wait a minute. Sid!

Request permission to carry on...

...sir! Get the fuck out of here.

Yes, sir. Keep the change. Thanks, pal.

Lynette.

Hi, baby. Hi, Sid.

Come out here. What are you doing out of uniform?

Don't worry, just come out here.

Wait. I look like a mess. All right, if you don't want it.

All right. What?

Well, if you don't want it... What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's beautiful.

Cost me my whole savings, but I said, "What the fuck?"

Oh, Sid! Oh!

So does this mean? Ha-ha-ha! Yes, ma'am! That's what it means.

Oh, Sid! Let's get a justice of the peace and do it now.

I can't wait to tell Paula. I wonder where we're gonna get stationed first.

I hope we go to Hawaii. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.

We're not gonna be stationed anywhere. I D.O.R.'ed.

Heh. You've what? I D.O.R.'ed.

Hell, I was never cut out to be a pilot.

I was faking it. I've been faking everything in my life up to now.

But what'll we do? Where would we go?

Oklahoma.

I'm gonna get my old job back at J.C. Penney's. In two years, I'll be floor manager.

You're gonna love Oklahoma. And you and Mom are gonna get along great.

Money might be tight at first, so we might have to live at home.

It's gonna work out. Sid, there's no baby.

What?

I'm not pregnant.

I got my period this morning. There's no baby, Sid.

I'll be goddamned.

What do you say we get married anyway?

I love you.

I don't think I knew that till just now, just this second.

I have never been happier than I have the last seven weeks.

I never felt so relaxed.

I've never felt so loved for who I really am.

Lynette, marry me. Make me the happiest man in the whole world.

I'm sorry, Sid, but I don't want to marry you.

I really like you...

...and we've had some really great times, but I thought you understood.

I want to marry a pilot. I want to live my life overseas.

The wife of an aviator.

Damn you. Goddamn you!

Nobody D.O.R.'s after 11 weeks. Nobody!

Hey, ma'am. Have you seen Paula around?

Paula! Paula!

I'm looking for Sid. He D.O.R.'ed and split. Nobody's seen him since.

I don't know where to look.

Lynette's.

Same room? Yes, sir.

Number 3. Yeah, that's the one.

What do you think of this? That's nice.

Watch this. I think you'll like it.


Damn it!

Oh, shit.

Lynette.

Has Sid been here? Already come and gone.

What happened? Can you believe it?

He D.O.R.'ed in the 12th week.

How can you win?

Lynette...

...what did you tell him about the baby?

That there isn't one. As of today.

I got my period this morning.

Heh, I couldn't believe it. He still wanted to marry me.

And what did you say? I said no, of course.

I don't want no Okie from Muskogee. I can get that right here.

You little bitch.

Who the hell do you think you are, playing with people like that?

He loves you. You just shit on him.

You made up this whole thing. There wasn't any baby.

Of course there was a baby. I'd never lie about something like that.

Would I, Paula?

You little cunt.

God help you.

You're no different than I am. Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not.

Let me see if he's here, okay? All right.

Hey, Mack, have you seen Sid Worley around here?

Yeah, he's here.

Sid.

The guy said he just got here.

Sid.

Sid?

Hey, man.

Sid, are you okay?

Sid.

Shit! What?

Oh, God.

Call an ambulance.

Oh, Sid.

Oh, my God.

Call an ambulance.

You dumb fucking Okie.

I was your friend.

Why didn't you come and talk to me about it? Huh?

You didn't even try.

You didn't even say goodbye to me.


I spoke to the chaplain at the base. He said he'd call Sid's parents.

Why can't I learn? Just like her, all over again. Just like her.

Zack don't do this to yourself. You didn't kill your mother.

You didn't kill Sid. They killed themselves. Yeah.

There's nothing you could've done. I gotta get out of here.

You want some money to get a cab? Something. I don't...

I don't deserve that! Okay. All right.

You're not the only one that's feeling awful.

Maybe I had something to do with what happened.

I knew what Lynette was doing, I could have said something.

Look, you've got no problems, all right?

Another class will be coming soon, you and Lynette, right back into business.

That's not fair. I never lied to you. I never did what Lynette's doing.

I'm not Lynette. No.

I love you. I've loved you since I met you.

Don't you understand?

No! I don't want you to love me. I don't want anyone to love me. I just want out!

I don't know but it's been said I don't know but it's been said Air Force wings are made of lead Air Force wings are made of lead Left, right, left, right.

Column, right turn!

I don't know but I've been told I don't know but I've been told Navy wings are made of gold Navy wings are made of gold Platoon, halt!

Sir, this officer candidate requests permission to see you in private, sir.

Mayo, the whole class knows about Candidate Worley. We're sorry.

I bet you are.

I want to see you in private, sir. Not now, I'm busy.

Now. Forward, march!

Sir, I request permission... Left, right, left, right.

Sir, this officer candidate requests permission to see you in private, sir!

Not now, I'm busy. So are you, now get cleaned up.

I don't need your shit. I came back to quit! D.O. R!

Platoon, halt!

I don't need you, I don't need the Navy.

I don't need anybody.

Okay, Mayo. I see what you want.

You said you wanted to meet me in private. You got it.

The blimp hangar, now! Move it!

You move it. We ain't going there to talk, boy.

Move!

Fall out. Fall out! This is between me and him.


All right, Mayo.

Let's see what you got.

What's going on? Shh, shh. Quiet.

I see you've had some training, Mayonnaise. Unh! Oof.

Come on, Foley. Lookie, lookie, here.


Your blood is as red as mine, isn't it, Mayo?

Come on. Get up!


Oh.


You can quit now, Mayo, if you want to. It's up to you.


Sir, the officers are present.

Will the guests please rise?

Class 15-81, raise your right hand and repeat after me.

I do solemnly swear... I do solemnly swear... that I will support and defend the constitution of the United States...

That I will support and defend the constitution of the United States...

Against all enemies, foreign and domestic.

Against all enemies foreign and domestic.

I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same.

I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same.

I take this obligation freely... I take this obligation freely...

Without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion.

Without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion.

I will well and faithfully discharge...

I will well and faithfully discharge...

The duties of the office on which I am about to enter...

The duties of the office on which I am about to enter...

So help me God. So help me God.

Please, be seated.

Gunnery Sergeant Foley. Sir.

Well done, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Class 1581.

Fall out! Aye, aye, sir!

Foley's Fire Eaters finally finished!

Hey, what'd you think of that?

What'd you think?

I want you to meet my family. No, I want to get my first salute.

Congratulations, Ensign Chadwick.

Congratulations, Ensign Seeger. Thank you, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant, Ensign Seeger...

...sir.

Congratulations, Ensign Mayo.

I won't ever forget you, sergeant. I know.

I wouldn't have made this if it weren't for you.

Get the hell out of here.

Thank you, sergeant.

Congratulations, Ensign Della Serra.

Thank you, sergeant.

Every time I say "understand," I want the whole group to say, "Yes, sir."

Understand? Yes, sir!

Understand? Yes, sir!

I don't believe what I'm seeing. Where you been all your lives?

Listening to punk rock music and bad-mouthing your country, I bet.

Where you from, boy? Tucson, Arizona, sir!

Where? Tucson, Arizona, sir!

Only two things come out of Arizona. Steers and queers.

Which one are you? I don't see horns, so you must be queer.

No, sir! What?

No, sir!

I expect to lose half of you before I'm finished.

I'll use every means necessary, fair and unfair to trip you up.

Turn it, Bonnie. No, back the other way.

Keep going, keep going.


Way to go, Paula! Way to go!