Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013) Script

There are many places we could begin the next chapter of the legend of Ron Burgundy.

This is one such place.

However, we won't begin our tale here.

No, our story begins in a place all newsmen dream of.

In New York City.

Ron Burgundy!

That lady's got an ass like the Loch Ness Monster.

Thing is mysterious and ever sought after.

Ron, aren't you going to say something to him?

Hey, when you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are going to want to follow it.

It was a time before cell phones and steroids.

And for Ron and his now-wife Veronica, life was good.

The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast made the child uncomfortable.

The bishop wore buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah.

Bat mitzvah.

The garden gnome had a normal-size penis.

Corningstone. Corningstone.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

They're coming in through the back door!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Grab the children! Save the children!

Five, four...

Have a great broadcast. You, too, darling.

Good evening.

This is the weekend edition of WBC News at 6:30.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

And I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Our top story tonight.

The U.N. today announced sanctions against...

When the broadcast is over, send these two up to my office.

Time to make a change.

Rumor has it that after 35 years of manning the helm, Mack Tannen is thinking about stepping down.

That's right.

Do you think we could be getting the Nightly News, Ron?

I think that's exactly what's about to happen.

Oh, my God. That's what's happening, isn't it?

I'm hyperventilating. Yes, I see that.

Look at me.

You... Well.

I'm laughing like a ventriloquist's dummy.

You are.

Let's stop that before we get in there.

Don't do that in there, darling.

Mr. Tannen, you are an inspiration, sir.

I've been doing the evening news now for over 35 years.

Done a hell of a job. Yes, sir.

A hell of a job!

I've gone through four wives.

I have six or seven kids that I haven't got the time to tell I love them.

To be honest, they sound a little needy.

And I killed four men in Okinawa.

W.W. TWO.

And that was two weeks ago.

The point is, this is a very demanding job.

Yes.

But I'm close to thinking that you may have what it takes.

Now, let me look at you.

Oh, my God.

Would it be wrong to say you smell terrific?

Ron, please! Okay.

What are you?

Finnish?

Oddly enough, I'm 100% full-blown Mexican.

From the state of Oaxaca.

No, you're not, honey.

Hello, sir.

My heart is racing.

I just have to say, this is super creepy and unorthodox.

You like-a da merchandise, huh?

Sorry.

All right.

We're about to make network news history.

Veronica. Yes?

You're going to be the first female full-time network news anchor.

Oh, my goodness! I knew it.

And you, Mr. Burgundy...

I'm going to be the first lactose intolerant anchor.

Mr. Burgundy. Yes?

You're fired.

Come again?

Fired.

You are the worst anchorman I have ever seen.

But what did I do wrong? Name one thing.

Korean soldiers were fired upon in the DMZ!

Jeez, I am so sorry.

Someone put the story in all capital letters, and I thought I was supposed to yell it.

President Parter... Shit!

I mean, President Carter will speak at the summit Tuesday.

Tony, did I just curse?

Are you kidding me? Shit!

I mean... Shit. Shoot!

The slain Civil Rights leader was eulogized...

Did you see that? Right on the lens!

Folks, I'm sorry.

I hold myself to a high professional standard and you shouldn't hear that language, okay?

I'm having a shitty day. Fuck-stick!

Now, I know this is tricky, given your relationship, so I'm going to give you the evening to think about it.

I forbid it!

You forbid it? What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?

Who the hell is Julius Caesar?

You know I don't follow the NBA.

Look, I am so sorry that this happened, Ron, but you and I, we're partners, sweetheart.

And when something good happens to me, it also happens to you.

That's ridiculous!

It clearly just happened to you!

You... Be quiet.

Mom?

I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.

He no go to sleep.

Damn it, Lupita, what have you been doing up there?

Eating nachos?

Mommy? Daddy? Why are you yelling at each other?

Did Mom touch Dad's hair again?

Walter, honey, why don't you just go to bed, all right?

Mommy and Daddy are just having a discussion.

No! He needs to hear this.

He's six years old. He's a man.

Walter, listen to me.

Life isn't a fairy tale.

It's not a bunch of jumping rope and grabbing ass.

It's complicated.

What do you want to do with your life?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be an astronaut or a cowboy!

You're never going to be any of those, okay?

Ron!

You've got to set the bar a lot lower.

Service industry. Fry cook. Prison guard.

Maybe you're a lighting guy at a porn shoot.

Which basically means you hold up a flashlight while adults do things.

He is a child, Ron!

Nah, nah, nah! He's got hair on his nugs.

He's old enough to hear this.

Your father is a wise man.

I will lock you in a closet!

Veronica, here's the bottom line.

It's a very simple decision.

It's either me or the job.

It doesn't have to be a choice, Ron.

Don't do this.

Don't throw away everything that we've worked so hard for.

Me... or the job.

Hello, and welcome to the 3:10 Dolphin Show at Sea World.

Sponsored by British Petroleum.

B.P. Oil, nature's best friend.

And now, here's your host, Ron Burgundy.

Good afternoon, everyone.

And welcome to world-famous Sea World, here in San Diago, California.

Here's a fun fact, dolphins aren't fish. They're mammals.

Here's another fun fact, I haven't felt the loving embrace of a human being in over three months.

I'm so lonely I paid a hobo to spoon with me.

Let's bring out our world-class trainers here, Jesse and Paula.

Thank you. Thank you, Ron.

Sometimes I try to kiss 'em.

Ron Burgundy, everyone.

I want to kiss you. No.

Or I'll kiss your friend. No.

How about the two trainers kiss each other?

What do you say?

So, let's say hello to the stars of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo!

For your information, Chippy was rehabilitated and Roo-roo is an asshole.

Look, they're swimming and doing tricks!

Folks, what do you expect? They're dolphins.

What did you say?

Look at you, with that permanent smile.

You think you're so smart, with your secret language.

You just fart out of the top of your head.

You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!

Children and animals hate you, Ron Burgundy!

I would eat dolphins if it was legal!

Unhand me, you buffoons!

All right, first, you threw up in the shark tank.

Then you fed the seals a chicken gyro?

And now this?

You're fired, you washed-up drunk!

Guess what, Trevor?

Every morning I get here a half hour early and I sexually assault a starfish!

This is the end of the road. I'm not turning back.

Well, I know it's not a pretty sight.

And you're gonna be the sole witness.

If you can't handle it, you leave the room.

It's too late, Baxter.

I'm going the way of the ancient samurai who, when dishonored, would hang themselves from a fluorescent light.

Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.

Sweet cream on nipples!

Mr. Burgundy? Hello, I...

Oh, my God!

What the hell happened?

I tried to hang myself?

Because my life's a mess?

And I saw no other option?

I think you're telling the truth, but why are you saying it like you're lying?

It was a call for help?

But it didn't work because I'm too heavy and the ceiling lamp broke?

Something like that?

Yeah, I think you're telling the truth.

I am. That's what happened.

These are first-rate flapjacks.

I'm telling you, suicide makes you hungry, I don't care what anyone says.

My name is Freddie Shapp, and I'm a producer of a new kind of news.

We're starting a 24-hour news channel.

First of its kind!

GNN. The Global News Network.

That is without a doubt the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

You mean news going 24 hours around the clock?

A channel that's never off, in other words?

Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours. It's...

No offense, but you are a stupid asshole.

Mr. Burgundy, I assure you we are 100% for real.

We've got state-of-the-art facilities in Manhattan.

And Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire and owner of Koala Airlines.

So glad he was acquitted of murder.

I'm a big Kench Allenby guy.

He's funding the whole network. He believes in it.

I don't think you understand, Freddie.

My hero, Mack Tannen, told me I was the worst journalist he'd ever seen.

I'm not good enough.

Here.

This is your first week's salary.

By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!

What do you say, Ron?

I'll take the job.

And I swear I'll be number one again.

I'll take back my son, restore my reputation, and make everything right with Veronica.

But more importantly, I'm going to do what God put Ron Burgundy on this Earth to do.

Have salon-quality hair and read the news.

Ron... You've made my day.

I've got the best damn news team in the world.

Your call. I just have to find them.

San Diago. Looks like we begin our search right here at home.

Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired for being drunk on the air and saying, "The only Olympic sport Filipinos are good at is eating cats and dogs."

Who loves chicken? You do! We do!

Delicious chicken Swing on through Meet the crew!

I'm local San Diego legend Champ Kind, and I believe in two things.

Good chicken, and that the census is a way for the U.N. to make your children gay.

So come on by and grab a wing.

'Cause when you do, you'll say, "Whammy!"

No Catholics or Jews admitted.

All right, there you go.

One Whammy Special with Whammy slaw.

There's a used Band-Aid in my coleslaw.

My gosh, let me take care of that.

Get out of here before I smash your head in, you Commie bastard!

If you're from the census, you take me off your list!

You never did have much of a bedside manner, Champ.

Ron? Ron Burgundy?

Get over here! How are you, friend?

God, I have longed for you.

It's good to see you, too.

This feels like home.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.

Okay, let's break the huddle here, huh?

Okay. All right. All right.

You get back here!

Don't be weird!

So, anyway, Harken sat me down, he said, "Champ, you're a dangerous alcoholic, a racist, "and I don't think you know a lick about sports."

And I said, "Ed, you dirty Polack, it's 10:00 in the morning.

"Let's go have some drinks

"and go to a baseball game where the Mexicans hit some touchdowns."

Then he fires me!

Fortunately, on the way out the door, I fake a work injury.

With the settlement, I bought this place.

Well, I'm glad to see you landed on your feet, Champ.

Listen, can I ask you a question?

Sure. Anything.

Is this chicken?

Hell, no.

It's really impossible to turn a profit if you serve real chicken.

Yeah. We use mainly bats.

What? Yeah.

But the good quality kind.

That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard.

Yeah?

You got to do what you got to do, right?

So what you got to do is serve fried bats?

Yep. Do you know what they call bats?

Bats. "Chicken of the Cave."

No one calls them Chicken of the Cave.

Who's "they," by the way?

There's a guy I met named Paco, sells bikers speed at the pier.

So that guy calls them Chicken of the Cave.

Yeah.

That's not "they."

Why don't you have a bite and stop judging it?

I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.

It's delicious.

It's all tendon. Look at it.

Was that a bat?

Chicken of the Cave.

What brings you here, Ron?

My friend, we've got a job. In New York City.

Whammy! I'm in!

You've got yourself a sportscaster.

Great.

Denny!

Lock up!

Any idea where Brian Fantana is?

You haven't heard?

Fantana hit the big time.

Baby.

Yeah, that's it, play for me. Just play around.

Roll around and lift those legs up.

You are a hairy little thing, aren't you?

Yeah. I like what's happening!

That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

You little fuzzball, that's...

I got it.

It's not getting any better than that.

That's brilliant! Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Brian, you have any time for the little people?

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

Hey, Brian. Champ! How you doing?

Hey!

This is a... Cool it!

I can't believe...

It's great to see you!

Welcome. Welcome to my doj'.

This place is spectacular!

It's amazing. A bit chaotic today.

We got the Cat Fancy cover coming out. You know how that can be.

I've been living in a tent for the last two years.

Yeah, this is not that.

We got a sauna in the kitchen.

A lot of people think that's weird, but I keep wine in it.

I'm not a wine guy, but I know you got to keep it hot.

And check this out.

This was fun.

We shot this over two weeks in Prague.

You know what they call cats?

Chicken of the rail yard. No.

What? Don't indulge him.

Yeah. There's a lot of meat.

But I love it.

And what's so great about it is it's so damn true.

I hate Mondays!

I'm not a Monday guy.

Ron hates Mondays.

Hell, I'm not crazy about them, either.

I also don't like Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays.

So why are you guys here, anyway?

Well, Brian, we're getting the news team back together again.

Really?

And, of course, we want to know if you'll join us.

Jeez, I don't know.

I kind of got the world by the tail here.

I don't know if I can.

Christ, I get it.

I mean, you're the Quincy Jones of cat photographers.

Why would you leave all this?

Hey, Brian, I don't know if you heard, but New York has all-nude strip clubs.

The question still remains...

Where's Brick Tamland?

You guys didn't hear?

No, what happened?

Brick's...

Dead.

Brick was lost at sea about a year ago.

Thought he saw a bird and he swam out to pet it.

He never came back.

We all loved Brick, even though he never had a phone number, or address or Social Security number.

In six years of working at the station, he never cashed a paycheck.

That sweet Brick.

He was a sensitive man, though.

He told me he wanted to donate his organs to science before he died, so he could see where they ended up.

He'll long be remembered and he'll be sorely missed.

Thank you, Reverend.

Come on!

Brick was a great man. Really?

And I will miss him so much.

And I will not rest until I find his killer.

What? His killer?

It is hard for me to believe that he is gone.

He's not gone.

I feel that I just saw him yesterday.

You were probably talking to yourself in a mirror.

When I got the news...

I didn't even know how to make sense out of it!

None of us understand!

Why? Why?

Why did you take him from us?

You're clearly standing in front of us, Brick.

God damn you!

Brick! Brick is dead!

No, Brick's alive. Brick is dead!

Look at him! He's not dead.

He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.

You're Brick! Brick, it's you!

He's dead!

No!

You are Brick! Touch yourself.

I am Brick? Yes!

I'm alive? Yes!

Of course.

Of course you are.

For heaven's sake.

You kind of want to slug him. You want to slug him.

Do you remember our Easter trip to San Francisco?

We got so drunk, we put Brick in a refrigerator box and threw him off the Golden Gate Bridge.

I broke my back!

What about the time that you dared Champ to drink that beer stein full of Woolite?

He drained it faster than you could say, "No, don't do it.

"That's the equivalent of drinking poison."

Oh, Lord, I was in a six-month coma.

And they say from the neurological damage, there's no way I live past 55!

You got three years left, my friend.

You're gonna die!

Hey, hey, remember?

I was by myself and I had that dream about the orange tree.

But instead of oranges, it had babies on it.

It was a baby tree!

Brick, how could we remember? It's your dream.

I don't know. It's all the same thing.

It's an interesting dream, but we're telling stories involving the entire news team from the past.

Or how about the time when I was born and I came out of the vagina?

I was screaming, "Here I come! Here I come, Mom!"

First off, Brick, I highly doubt you remember your own birth.

And, once again, we weren't there.

Ron, I can't...

I can't stop laughing, Ron!

Put a pencil in his mouth.

It's okay.

There you go.

I'm okay now.

Man, this just feels right! The news team is back!

Ron, Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!

That old man is so little and hairy!

Hey, Ron, who's driving?

It's okay, it's on cruise control.

Who wants some chimichangas?

Best thing I ever did was install this deep fryer in the 'bago.

Ron, why do you have this bag of bowling balls and this terrarium filled with scorpions?

It's a long, crazy story! Hey, Ron.

Cruise control just regulates speed, it doesn't steer.

Come again?


Well, that is gonna make one hell of a story.

The Big Apple. Ron Burgundy is back.

Why do they call it the Big Apple, Ron?

Because New York has an apple tree on every street.

Here we are. Welcome to GNN.

I don't know, Ron. You sure about this place?

Guys, I know it's a bit of a mess, but trust me, everything will be ready for the launch tomorrow.

And we've culled the whole country for the best newsmen.

There's Curtis Knightfish from Houston.

Curtis Knightfish.

They don't get any better than that.

And there's Diane Yahwea from Carson City.

Diane Yahwea. You know what they call her, right?

"All the Way Yahwea."

She's my aunt.

And the best in the biz.

Jack Lime, out of Chicago.

Rumor is Allenby is giving him one mil a year.

That's crazy. Who's worth that kind of money?

Oh, my God! He's absolutely magnificent!

I bet his poop smells like sandalwood.

Can I help you, guy?

What was that?

I said, "Can I help you, guy?"

What do you mean?

Well, you're staring at me, hotshot.

Do you want my autograph?

No, he was just explaining who you were and I was looking at you.

And then he said something and I was still looking at you.

Jack Lime is a great man!

Is that what I sound like when I talk?

Is there a problem?

No, no, no. No problem.

Well, you're making a face like you got a problem.

I'm sorry that I'm making that face.

I don't mean to make a face that seems like I have a problem.

I don't like that face!

You need to change it, and change it quick.

Stop making that face.

Is this face better?

I don't like...

That new face is driving me crazy! Change it, now!

You're getting him mad.

I only have so many faces.

I'm just grinding your gears, man.

Welcome to the station!

We're going to have a good time together.

Oh, my God. That's vintage Jack Lime.

Come on, guys.

Let's go meet the boss.

We'll have separate cameras for you, and then sports and then weather.

Let me ask you this, Freddie, how's the new head honcho?

Well, Linda Jackson has a shelf full of Emmys.

She's as tough as nails. And Linda loves to win.

Hey, Linda!

I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.

Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?

Ron.

This is Linda Jackson.

Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

Black.

Black. Jesus, just stop, Ron.

I'm terribly sorry. I don't know why I can't stop saying...

Black. The word "black."

Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

Black. Stop.

Black.

Stop saying "black."

Black. If I don't say it, I'll pass out. Stop saying it!

Donna, can you please get me a cup of coffee?

Right away, Ms. Jackson. Thank you.

Please be seated. Everyone. Sure.

Please be seated.

Great. So I know that all of you are aware that the news community is laughing at what we're trying to do here at 24-hour news.

But that is why they brought me in.

She's the best!

You see, gentlemen, I don't lose.

Listen, I feel like I need to clear the air.

Please don't.

I want to say, on behalf of the entire news team, we are huge supporters of all African and Americans.

Veronica got so tan!

I remember the first African and American I ever saw.

It's African-American.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Absolutely 100% positive? It isn't like...

Ron...

Fish and chips?

Hey, we're all the same on the inside, stinky and pink.

When I was in high school, me and my buddies used to sneak in the girls' locker room.

We'd peek at the girls in the shower, and I'd look at all of them, no matter what color they were.

So...

Jesus, this is the worst meeting I've ever been in.

A black man follows me everywhere when it's sunny.

Actually, I think that's your shadow, Brick.

I call him Leon.

And if it's a cloudy day, what happens to Leon?

He goes home.

It's your shadow.

He's talking about his shadow.

Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!

What's he doing?

I think you scared him. You can't shout at Brick.

Is he all right?

Can you sing him a soothing siren song?

Just a high melodic...

I'm not singing along with you.

Come on, Brick. Brick!

Linda has a balloon.

You better get him a balloon.

Is this for real, Freddie?

Linda, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay! It's okay.

So you have a black boss, and it's freaking you out.

Is it freaking you out?

A little bit, to be honest. You freaked out?

Is it freaking you out? She's got a knife!

I don't give a shit!

We're not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Black.

So as long as you guys get numbers, we are gonna get along just fine.

Now, if you don't, I am gonna be icy.

And unpleasant, you dig?

I dig. We all dig.

I like to dig.

One time I went digging for treasure and I found a half a body.

Get out of my office!

I'm telling you, you can't give an inch in those situations, and I think we held our ground pretty firmly.

Guys.

Guys, we got you an apartment on the Upper East Side and a whole new wardrobe.

That's wonderful! When do we begin our broadcast?

Well, the big launch is tomorrow at 12:00 noon. Okay.

You guys are slotted for the 2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.

What? That's the graveyard shift!

"I ain't afraid of no ghost."

Come on, it's going to be great.

Let's get your keys. Come on!

Is there booze in the apartment?

Of course there's gonna be booze. Of course.


It won't stop.

Sometimes it stops, but then it starts again.

What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!

Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.

Your job is to answer the phones.

I'm getting ready for Secret Santa. When is that again?

It's at Christmastime. When else would it be?

I'm Brick. I was dead last week.

I'm Chani.

I like the place between your head and your body.

I like your hair.

It looks like wet popcorn.

Thank you.

Would you like to see the smile that I use when I pose for photographs?

Yes, please.

Do you want to see the face I make when I see a snake made out of candy?

Yes.

That's good.

What's your favorite time of day?

Now.

What's your favorite time of day?

A minute ago.


Surprise! Big daddy's back.

Ron.

What are you doing here?

I'm over at GNN. I'm living in the city again.

I really wish that you would have called first.

Look, it doesn't matter whose fault the break-up was, okay?

I was stubborn.

You were like a mentally ill whore having PMS from the 1800s.

What's your point, Ron?

The point is I'm back home.

And I want to spend the rest of my life...

Honey, who is it?

Hi, Ron. I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.

So, is that a gift for me, Ron?

No, it's not.

It's for Walter.

Okay.

So when were you going to tell me about Gary?

Ron. You walked out on me.

What did you expect me to do?

Ron. This is awkward, I know.

I'm sitting here with your wife. We make love.

I'm this close to shooting a flare gun at your dick.

Ron!

So what does this Gary do for a living?

Have you done a background check on him?

Gary is actually one of the most successful psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.

Really sweet.

Are you reading my mind right now?

Ron, do you even know what a psychologist is?

Fuck you.

Ron!

It's okay. You stop that!

He's externalizing. That's okay.

No, it's not okay. He's mad.

You knew I was going to throw that punch 'cause you're reading my mind!

Mom! I'm home!

Hey, little guy. Hey, darling.

Hi, Walter. Hey, Dad.

I missed you!

Walter, your father has a gift for you.

I have a gift specifically for you, Walter.

There you go.

Yes, Gary.

Okay, that's actually for me, Walter.

No, it's not. It's for Walter.

It's a superhero costume.

What is it?

It's "Lace Man." It's a brand new superhero.

I'm going to be Lace Man!

Look, Ron. Joint custody isn't easy.

But what we need to do is rally around this little guy right now, okay?

That's never gonna happen.

Excuse me?

Because you, Veronica, are unfit to be a mother!

Need I remind you that you took that child to a cock fight?

The game of champions! I'm Lace Man!

He had the time of his life!

He came home splattered in blood!

He picked eight winning cocks. It's never been done!

You have never tried to connect with Walter.

All right, let's keep it civil in front of the boy.

It's bad enough his mother likes to go down on rodeo clowns.

Okay, you know what, out! All right. Get your things! Let's go.

Fine. I'm out of here.

Don't have to tell me twice. Get your things.

We'll see you guys later. Yes, you will.

Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.

Goodbye, Walter, my little man.

You promise to do good in school, okay?

Okay.

And stay away from the he-shes...

Ron! down in the Bowery.

Ron, I don't think that's appropriate.

I'll tell you, those fellas, they got the looks, they got the curves, they got the chi-chi's, and then at some point during the evening, you reach down below the belt looking to get a little muffellita, and you get a handful of the battle of the bulge.

You hear what I'm saying, Walter?

Yes, I do.

Ron, it was nice meeting you. I think it's time for you to go.

Ron!

You knew!

You anticipated that because you're reading my mind!

That confirms it!

There's Lime!

Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!

Man, there's just something about him, you know?

I'd give anything to be friends with him.

I don't see what the big deal is, you know.

He's not that great.

What did you say?

What's that?

I heard you say something.

What did I say? Nothing.

No. I heard you say something.

He said you're not that great!

Brick!

Is that what you said about me?

He's coming over here. I know!

I'm gonna rip this guy in half.

No, no, no! Just give me a little piece of him.

Jack, look, it's just...

The guys look up to you so much, and I just was a little jealous.

I just said some junk.

That's funny.

Aren't you the guy who lost his job to his wife?

Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?

All right, guys, that's enough. No, shut up, Freddie!

And you can shut your mouth, okay, Jack "Lame"!

Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina's got some fight in him.

You listen to this one, big fella. Yeah.

I bet you that we beat your ratings tonight.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep it together.

No, no, no. Don't do this. Don't do this.

You're on at 2:00 a.m. Jack has prime time!

Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.

I'll take that bet. What are the stakes?

If we lose, I'll leave New York.

And I'll never read the news again.

And if by some snowball's chance in hell Mr. Mustache here pulls a miracle out of his ass?

You change your name to Jack Lame! Legally.

I like this! You're on, Stretch.

Everyone heard him?

Freddie, you heard him? Yeah. I heard him.

This is on like Pong. Okay. Good.

Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron?

We've got the graveyard shift! We don't have a chance!

Hey, guy!

This ain't local news anymore.

We shit standing up here.

What?

It's a huge mess, but damn, is it cool!

All right, everyone!

Ladies and gentlemen, today wouldn't be possible without the visionary behind GNN.

Mr. Kench Allenby!

Yeah, yeah!

Thank you.

All right, cheer.

I am jabbered, just jabbered, full of beans, no doubt.

Does anyone else speak Australian?

I thought they talked like us.

Can I get you to say with me...

We can't quite understand you.

How's this? I'm Kench Allenby.

Yes. That's good. There we go! Thank you so much.

I'm Kench Allenby and you all know my story.

I'm a self-made man.

My late, great father, Vadge Allenby, gave me $300 million, and I toiled my whole bloody life to turn that into $305 million.

True story. True story.

But this is 24-hour news station...

This is history.

This is like Columbus discovering the New World.

And the captain of this fantastic voyage is the best newsman in America, Mr. Jack Lime!

Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!

Thank you. And good luck to Ron Burgundy, too.

Getting nervous there, compadre?

Let's do this.

Did you see that? How he spun on that desk? So great.

All right. Quiet on the floor, please.

All right.

All right. We're up. Here we go, here we go.

In five, four, three, two...

Good day, and welcome to GNN.

Thank you for joining us on what we believe to be a whole new era of news.

I'm Jack Lime, your guide for this journey of events we humbly call 24-hour news.

Today's top story, Mount St. Helene.

This is just a gimmick. It's a flash in the pan.

We better hope so.

Residents are being asked to evacuate the area...

Twenty-four hours of news.

How are they gonna keep coming up with this stuff?

My guess is they'll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel.

No, I have a feeling they'll stick with their integrity and only report the news that needs to be reported.

Let's see here.

"Global temperatures rise half a degree, alarm climate scientists." Boring.

"China could dominate the world economy in the next decade."

Nope.

Anyone else?

What if we show a porno instead of the news?

Freddie?

No. Absolutely not.

I know. What if we get one of those wildlife handlers?

We have him bring in big game cats.

You know, wild, dangerous tigers and lions and leopards and the such.

We let them loose inside the studio with about a dozen chickens.

We play rock music. And we just call it Let Her Rip.

I'd watch that. I'd watch that.

Let Her Rip?

You're describing the end of civilization. That's not news!

If that's the end of times, I'm...

I got a front-row seat with a big tub of buttered popcorn and a greasy half-live chicken leg.

Okay, so obviously this is a waste of time. I'm done.

Freddie! Come on!

We're just brainstorming here.

We're trying to figure out how to make the news less boring, and you act like we peed in your milkshake.

The news is supposed to be boring, Ron!

This is serious stuff.

You're the one that made this stupid bet!

I just don't know why we have to tell the people what they need to hear.

Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear?

Wait, wait, wait.

Say that again.

I said, why do we have to tell the people what they need to hear?

Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear?

And what do they want to hear, Ron?

That we live in the greatest country God ever created.

Damn straight! Made him happy.

And we should do stories on patriots.

Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets.

Why blondes have more fun.

And serious investigative pieces, about how much ejaculate is on hotel duvets.

And only the best sports highlights.

Home runs, slam dunks, touchdowns and no soccer.

I like the Wind!

Brick's right. People love hurricanes.

Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, we'll throw Brick right in the middle of it.

You'd do that?

People'll go nuts. I'd watch that!

No, this goes against every rule of broadcast journalism I know.

Freddie, as the wise man once said, "So?"

We got 10 hours till we go on.

We'll only need eight!

Lady I'm your knight in shining armor And I love you You have made me what I am And I am yours

My love...

Is that candy? I don't know.

It is candy.

I like you. I like you.

Tell me something about you.

Well, I'm 19 years old. My middle name is Courtney.

I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if it's not right.

What about you?

My name is Chani Lastnamé.

I'm a real go-getter and a person people.

I can type 50 words a minute with only 300 errors.

I'm trained and certified...

To fire a military-grade missile launcher.

Me, too.

Chani, I just got these phone messages from last week.

You mailed them to me?

How else was I gonna get them to you?

You hand them to me.

You are the dumbest person I've met in my entire life, and that's not an exaggeration.

That makes me feel bad.

Well, it's the truth, Chani.

You!

Leave her alone! Excuse me, sir.

Get your filthy hands off of her!

Help. Help!

Excuse me, sir!

Leave me alone, lady! Excuse me!

She is a goddess among women!

Glen!

MY phone messages!

Leave him alone!

Not today!

She has butterflies in her heart! Chani!

I can see you behind that desk, and you're fired!

Why?

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

She was trying to set me on fire.

I didn't ask for these powers.

I was given them.

Last night a bird chased me, and I wished it was you.

Can we go to a date?

Yes.

Dear God, please help me pull this off.

I swear, if you help me, I will become a monk.

I will shave my head and become a monk...

Who are we kidding? I'm not going to do that.

Did you hear?

Evan said there's some strange copy in the prompter.

It's 2:00 a.m.

It's Freddie Shapp's ass, not mine. Let's go.

People who change history are rarely aware of it while doing so.

Ron and his news team simply thought they were making the news more fun.

Little did they know they were changing the course of broadcast history forever.

Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m. Eastern time.

I'm Ron Burgundy, and tonight's top story is America.

She's the greatest country in the world.

Heck, the history of the world!

You're damn right!

Too much of the news is about what's wrong with America.

Amen, brother!

Well, tonight, our top story is what's right with America.

Someone's finally talking sense on the TV.

For starters, we kick butt.

Nazi butt. Russian butt.

What the hell is he doing?

He's talking about America.

Why, do you have a problem with that?

Tonight I begin part one of my 11-part series on the power and mystery of the human vagina.

This series will be a tasteful look at just what makes a vagina tick, as well as a look at the 50 greatest vaginae of the 20th century.

Son of a bitch!

One final question, and I'll let you go.

Who tops the list of the top 50 greatest vaginae?

Well, I don't want to give anything away.

I thought I had you.

I will give you number two.

Please. Madame Curie.

Of course. Of course.

Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy!

Whammy!

Back to you, Ron.

The wind is really windy.

Brick? Brick, can you hear me?

I can't hear you, Ron!

Okay, but you're answering the question, so I think you can hear me.

No, I can!

Brick, do you think there is any danger to the average person out there?

I'm afraid for the animals of New York, Ron.

I saw a woman, and her dog never touched the ground.

You're saying wind gusts as fast as a supersonic jet?

It looked like she was walking a dog balloon.

And go... Switch.

And for our eighth and final animal story of the night, it looks like residents of North Yulk, Montana, have found the cutest little patriot on God's green earth.

Look at that little guy!

He was having some fun.

Well, for all of us here at GNN, I'm Ron Burgundy.

And don't just have a great night, have an American night.

And we're out!

I couldn't take my eyes off the screen! Yes.

You were electric, Ron! Whammy!

That just felt right! That felt right!

I was outside!

You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.

Amazing. Great job.

What the hell was that? What the hell was that?

Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda. We were just trying something new.

You changed the format of the entire show without consulting me?

That's unacceptable!

Damn straight, sister. We just done went and brought it!

And here's the truth. You can't handle it, little mama!

Get out! You are all terminated immediately.

If you were a man, I'd knock you out.

Really? Well, go ahead!

Take a swing! Take your best shot!

I have five brothers, and two of them are defensive backs in the NFL, so come on!

You want me to do it? Yeah.

This thing's not gonna feel good.

Do it, Ron. Just do it.

Are you scared? What's the problem?

Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?

I'm not a chicken at all.

I'm going to make that mustache of yours all bloody.

Well...

Seems like you're buying time, Ron.

I'm not buying time.

Ron! Just do what men have been doing for thousands of years, and punch the woman.

Punch her! You're stalling.

Punch the woman!

Here comes the Toledo Express. All aboard!

Ron! No!

I didn't do it!

Mama, your baby's hurt.

Your baby.

What is that sound you're making? Good Lord!

You sound like a balloon.

Pull yourself together, man.

Security!

They saw my pee-pee.

The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee!

Did you say they saw your pee-pee?

In the locker room, they saw my pee-pee.

You just knocked him back into fifth grade.

Get him out of here!

Bugger me with a didgeridoo.

We knew we'd struggle to start, but these ratings are lower than I'd even imagined.

Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

It really saved our whole launch.

Spike? What are you talking about?

What spike?

Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?

No, no, no, this can't be right.

His team start at a .2, and then they finish at a 5.6?

That's unbelievable! They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

How is that even possible? Who are these guys?

They're a local team out of San Diego.

You little beauty!

Well, they no longer work for us.

I fired them.

Well, guys, it goes without saying I owe you gentlemen an apology.

I dragged you out here and this thing was a disaster from the word "go."

No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.

Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

Gin.

Brian, any idea what you might do next?

Gonna head back to L.A.

I got a good group of buddies out there.

O.J. Simpson. Phil Spector. Robert Blake.

Sounds like a fun crew.

We go out cruising chicks.

Call ourselves the "Ladykillers."

I love that name. You should get it on the back of matching jackets.

That's not a bad idea.

Guys?

Hey.

I got some news.

Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear the word "news" right now.

Yeah.

You're right. Forget it. Forget I was even here.

Forget that GNN wants you back.

For a prime time slot and a raise in pay.

Quit yanking our penises, Freddie! What's the deal?

Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.

No. I'm not yanking your...

Your ratings went through the roof.

People love what you did.

You're a success!

Get it? You're a great, big, fat success!

By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!

It's total crap and they can't stop watching!

The news team had been famous in San Diego, but that was small time compared to New York.

This fame was a rocket ship.

A rocket ship that had free drinks and topless stewardesses.

That'll do it for all of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events, thank me for the news.

I'm Jack...

...Lame.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

More graphics, all right?

But there's already a lot.

Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.

Let a citizen ask a question here, for God's sake!

Can Father Ron please shut his mouth for just half a second?

This is against everything that I have worked for my entire life.

Honey, come on.


If you're like me, you need an underwear that fits your active lifestyle.

At finer specialty and department stores.

I'm weatherman Brick Tamland, and I like butter.

Butter is nutritious and it tastes great.

Butter!

There's something new on the New York social scene.

It's fun, relatively benign and costs about as much as a soda pop at the local drugstore.

Here's Brian Fantana on why everyone who is someone is lighting up to smoke crack.

Now, Brian, I understand we have some crack and we're going to smoke it right here in the studio.

I don't know if we can get a shot of that.

What is that? Did you know they were gonna have that?

No.

Now, what you're gonna do is, you're gonna put your rock in the pipe.

Is that where the phrase "Put it in your pipe and smoke it" comes from?

I don't care.

I love it when you do cooking segments.

You feel that right away.

That's good. That's good. That's an immediate state of euphoria.

You'll be surprised. The effect, it happens very...

It's just refreshing.

They're actually enjoying it.

Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack.

Well, now we know, guys, you can't smoke crack on live television.

Hay!

You know what would make this great day even better?

What?

Perms for everyone!

Please come in and shut the door.

If this is about sweeps, I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story.

It's about airplane parts that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky and hitting the ground, people.

We're calling it "Death From Above." We might do some...

You. Come here.

I've been watching you.

You have?

I've been watching you a lot.

And you just do whatever you want.

Well, I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess.

You don't follow the format.

You pretty much walk around like you're king of the world.

I'm just a worker bee. That's all I am.

You know what? What?

I find it hot as shit!

Are you going to hurt me?

Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.

You're a shooting star and I want to go for a ride.

God, I'm so afraid right now.

Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.

Now, I want you to bark like a dog.

Bark. Bark. Bark!

Like a puppy. Like a puppy.

Yeah. Come on! Do it!

Don't cry.

It's sexual and yet frightening. It's an odd mixture.

Come in.

Linda.

Excuse me, Linda.

Ron, Jack wants to know if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame.

He's really struggling with it.

No. Can't. It's a bet.

Jesus!

If you want to change it, you can.

Like what?

Art Areola.

No! No, that's worse! You know it's worse!

How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck.

Spell it P-H-U-C.

You'll be huge in the Vietnamese community.

Freddie, I can't.

Listen to me, Burgundy. This is far from over, do you hear me?

I'll see you on the playground.

Well.

This meeting has been very productive.

You can pick me up at 8:00.

Okay, I'm very confused by what's going on here.

Get out!

Ron.

Ron, you are missing some real high-quality Garfield laughs over here!

I think our boss just raped me.

What?

I don't know what happened.

All a bit of a blur.

There was hands and hair, and breath, and lips.

There might have been other people, I don't know.

Sounds like she wants you.

Hey, man.

Women have been all over me since we got crazy famous.

Not to brag or anything, but I just gave Florence Henderson crabs.

That is in no way a brag, Brian. That's horrible.

Hey, it's just doing something beautiful, that two people do.

Except one of them has microscopic dust mites all over his penis and testicles. I'm just saying, the mom of The Brady Bunch had a fun time with you, and then woke up the next day and realized she had crabs.

I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.

Sounds to me like it's her fault for being a randy gal.

I have a date!

Brick has a date?

Good for Brick!

What's a date?

A date is simply when two people get together, do something social, have a few drinks, yadda-yadda-yadda...

Take their shirts off...

It's okay. No, it's a fun thing.

It's fun. It's all right.

Look. Don't worry, Brick, we got your back, okay?

First things first, we need to get you a little protection.

There it is.

Brian Fantana's glorious cabinet of condoms.

Brian, I know. How about The Hooded Guest?

I like the cut of your jib.

That one is ultra-ribbed.

It's like you're wearing an armadillo shell on your privates.

It takes two hours to get on.

It's hooded. She'll never see you coming.

Wait, wait, wait.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Lou Dobin's Good Time Weiner Pouch.

That's a good one.

Dobin. Just a drifter who loves to watch people have sex.

They're made of denim, so they look better after each washing.

Talk about a great ride.

I think I have it.

Po' Boy Condom.

It's a terrific condom.

Although it does burn a bit because it's covered in Cajun spices.

It'll put a blister on your po' boy.

Brian, what's the nickname for your penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?

Fat Tuesday.

Wait a minute. I've got it.

The Rigid Ghost.

It's the best damn rubber on the market.

I got four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom.

But, Brian, isn't that the whole point of wearing a condom?

To not impregnate the woman?

Well, you know the old expression. "Nope."

Thank you, Ron, and happy St. Patrick's Day to all of our Native American friends.

On the big map...

Where's my map?

There's no map, it's just green.

No, there's a map there. Look at the monitor.

Right.

Ron, where's my legs?

Where are my legs? Your legs are there.

I don't have any legs, Ron.

I don't even know how I'm standing up.

Brick, your legs are fine.

The color of your pants just matches...

Ron, I don't have any legs!

The Chroma-Key behind you.

Ninety-three?

Relax.

And after I received my Masters in Journalism from Columbia, I got a job with the London bureau for ABC News.

London.

You're so impressive, and I've only been out of the United States twice.

A handful of times in Mexico, and then the second time I left the country, we went to Salem, Oregon.

Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?

God, yes.

Did I scare you by coming on so strong?

A little bit, sure.

Look, it's not that you're not attractive...

It's just I'm a little old-fashioned.

Well, I am a modern woman.

And let me tell you, when I see something that I want, I go for it.

Can I ask you a question?

Is that your foot between my legs?

No.

I'm sorry.

It was my hand.

So...

We're going to do this, aren't we?

We most definitely are gonna do this.

I feel a little awkward, because I'm about to have sex with a black lady!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

That's not the way I like to handle my business.

When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control of the volume of my voice.

Well, I don't mind, because I am going to have you tonight.

Then let's leave and go have interracial sex!

Sorry.


This is the nicest soda machine anyone's ever taken me to.

The beauty of this soda machine pales in comparison to your beauty.

Can I ask you a personal question?

I'm not sure what that is, but yes.

Have you ever kissed anyone?

Do faces on the TV screen and Planet of the Apes action figures count?

Of course.

Then, yes.

I have kissed Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.

I've only kissed people in my dreams.

So, I've only kissed a tiny dragon and a woman with her hair on fire.

I don't have a lot of experience with kissing, but I do know one thing...

Always get your teeth involved.

I think I'm ready to maybe try that kiss thing now.


Hello, Ms. Jackson.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to...

Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.

But then I heard about this little story that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running.

You see, some of the planes from my airline have had parts falling off them lately.

Is it a problem? Yeah.

Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably.

But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet.

We can't just pull the story. That would be unethical.

We own the news. We can do whatever we want.

That's one of the perks.

It's called "synergy." One company working with another.

To synergy.

You seem a little quiet, I must say.

Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine with going to this family dinner.

They're going to love you.

This is delicious!

So...

How long have you and Linda been dating?

Mother.

No, it's all right. It's a logical question.

Ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly.

And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky.

There's some stank on that love.

What are you talking about?

Let's put it this way, I be busting nuts like a squirrel.

Now, we don't have conversations like that over dinner.

What are you doing?

I'm addressing the white elephant in the room.

I'm breaking down the barriers of race by assimilation.

That's all I'm doing. Well, you're coming off like a jerk.

I think it's going well.

If you haven't noticed, we don't converse like that.

Okay, Okay-

Look at big papa down here.

He's saying to himself, "Shit! Look at this honky.

"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food. In my house? Touching my daughter?"

I have.

I have touched your daughter. Honey!

We have done things, Papa.

You ain't gonna like. You ain't gonna like it none!

Oh, my goodness!

I mean, I'm just a guy from Terre Haute, Indiana with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm.

Just looking for someone who wants to smoke it.

Let's get some smoke going in this place, right?

This ain't no Super Fly. What is your problem, man?

Linda, I don't understand what you are doing with him.

You know what I'm comin' at you with, you big black mother of Linda.

Mix it up in a pot!

Makin' it spicy! Oh, my Lord.

Hey. In the back, cooking up chitlins.

Big ol' titties. Big ol' titties.

Excuse me?

That's my mama, man. Hey.

Wave your hands in the air.

Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care.

Please, don't do this.

Now, which one of you pipe-hittin' bitches can pass me the mashed potatoes?

I don't think that dinner could've gone any better.

Are you nuts?

No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!

My dad was kicking you in the head!

I thought it was like being jumped into a gang.

Only with dinner guests!

You called my family "pipe-hittin' bitches"!

I hate to pin it on you, but you did invite me to dinner.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I just...

I'm just under a lot of stress because Allenby, he doesn't want you to do the story that you're doing for sweeps.

"Death From Above."

It's an excellent story. Wonderful expose.

Listen, Ron.

Have you ever heard of synergy?

So your mom thought we should get together, spend a little time.

She doesn't think I connect with you as a child.

Can you believe that bullshit?

This is hard.

Things you say to a 6-year-old...

Guess what? I slept with a black woman.

What? Nothing.

Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

Nope. Don't care for him. Never have.

Don't like the mask, the costume, the get-up, the webs.

He comes off like a real dickhead. Real poser.

What's a poser?

A poser is Gary. That's what a poser is.

By the way, how is that shitheel?

What's a shitheel?

A shitheel is a real fun term that you should call Gary every time you see him.

When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, "Good morning, shitheel."

He'll probably give you $5 or some candy.

Does that sound good? Yeah.

You're a shitheel, Dad.

Good.

You should just call Gary that. 'Cause it makes him really happy.

It makes me sort of happy, but it makes him really happy.

Dad.

Sometimes I hear sounds at night and I get scared.

I think there's a ghost in my closet.

Now, you listen to me, son.

There is no such thing as ghosts. Case closed.

So what's real that's scary?

You really want to know the one thing you should be afraid of?

Yes, I really do.

Voodoo.

Voodoo? Yes, voodoo.

That shit will mess you up.

And it is 100% real.

Promise me that you'll never go to Haiti.

I promise, Dad.

This was good. I enjoyed spending time with you.

Me, too, Dad.

And hey. Do you want to go to Haiti sometime?

No. Good. Good.

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

He hasn't slept for four days, Ron!

Everywhere we go, he asks me if we're going to Haiti!

What does that even mean?

I am so sick and tired that you've sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.

You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way!

Let me ask you something, and I'm not trying to be funny here.

Are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?

He is seven years old, Ron.

All right. Now listen to me.

He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00, and he wants you to be there.

I will be there. All right?

Now, who do you have for sweeps week?

I'm not discussing work with you, Ron, okay?

Just be there at the science fair tomorrow.

Fine!

Well, they're calling it the interview of the decade.

Veronica Corningstone will sit down with Yasser Arafat.

Yasser who?

The head of the PLO and some say the key to peace in the Middle East.

Of course, Ms. Corningstone is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy, so you know that's got to be a little stinger for Ronny.

Tony Danza's scrotum!

Well, that'll do it for all of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events, thank me for the news.

I'm Dick Phuk.

We're going to get crushed in ratings. Just crushed.

I really thought we had a chance this time.

What about my "Death From Above" story?

You better ask Ron about that.

We're pulling that story, Brian.

What? Why? I worked hard on that story.

It was my call, all right, Brian? Just let it go. It's synergy.

What does that mean?

Take it easy, Ron.

We got further than anybody thought we would.

We'll get 'em next time.

You take it easy! I'm not in this to finish second!

I think Champ is just saying...

I know what he was trying to say, Brian, okay?

And it doesn't surprise me that you guys don't care.

Let's face it, I'm the one who gets the ratings.

I'm starting to wonder what you clowns actually do.

Chani likes clowns. Except for the scary ones.

Shut up, Brick!

Just shut up for once!

Ron yelled at me.

You're damn right I yelled at you!

You don't yell at Brick.

Are you still smoking crack?

No.

I only smoked crack that one time.

That's a lie. I've done it six more times.

You made Brick cry.

You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.

But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left?

You know what, Ron?

We're a news team, and that's a bond for life.

But I don't like the man you've become.

You know, we were happy when you found us.

Right?

I was taking pictures of pussies, Champ was serving bats to people, and Brick was dead.

We took a gamble. Took a gamble to follow you here.

But I'm starting to realize, this was all about you, and beating Veronica at all costs.

Had nothing to do with the news, nothing to do with the team.

Brian, don't.

You know, I might not be the smartest guy, but I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

I know that if you're pleasuring a woman down south, you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet.

Around the bubble. Around her bubble.

The vulva! The Volvo.

I know that "synergy" is a completely made-up word.

I know that washing your hands is for nerds.

Especially if you don't mind pinkeye.

And I know that, no matter what, you always stand by your friends.

You'll have to excuse me, Brian.

I've got a sore back from carrying your ass around for the last 15 years.

You know what, Burgundy?

I think your mouth is writing checks that your body isn't...

Can't even... Do anything with.

Fine, go! I don't need you!

I'll do the news by myself!

Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat...

This is terrible. the secretive head of the PLO.

We're on in 20, Ron, 20. All right.

You ready?

What's that?

That's nothing.

It's just a car chase on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.

You know what?

Give it to me live to start the broadcast.

No. That's not news, Ron.

Give it to me live, okay?

And don't question me again.

Bill!

Now to you, the modern viewer... Here we go. reporting on a car chase may seem commonplace...

Three, Mo... but in 1980, it was unheard of.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, reporting live from New York.

We have breaking news developing in our nation's heartland.

A high-speed car chase is in progress...

Keep the "Breaking News" logo. Keep up the graphics.

Reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour.

And for the first time in news history, we will stay with it live until it resolves in either a huge accident or a massive shootout.

Richard!

Hurry. Get in here! There's a car chase on the news!

When is Dad gonna be here?

He'll be here.

Are you a little upset?

Do you want to do that thing where we sort of talk about our feelings?

Oh, God, no. Okay.

This is the pulse of what's going on in our country right now.

Freddie, what's going on?

Why is there a local car chase on the TV?

It's Burgundy. He insisted!

Can't you see what the son of a bitch is doing?

We didn't have a story, so he made one.

You can't do that!

Tell Ron to speculate who's driving the car.

Ron, speculate on who's driving the car.

We believe the driver may be on drugs.

He's probably 6'7 ", 6'8".

But a skinny 6'7 ", 6'8". About 160.

He may have a hostage or two.

We don't know. He could have...

The phone lines are lighting up. It's about the chase!

I've never seen anything like it!

Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario by which peace could be reached with Israel?

Peace is what burns in my heart. I am committed to...

What was... Excuse me.

What happened to the...

The network cut to another developing story.

Some kind of crazy car chase.

Who covers a car chase?

I am sitting here with the most important interview of my entire career, and they're cutting to a car chase?

I would like to watch the car chase.

You need to shut your mouth.

This is extremely gripping.

He just hit a car! He just hit a car!

He hit a car! Did you see that?

He hit a car!

He hit the car! He hit the car!

When did the news get awesome?

And he just loses it!

That's exactly what we needed. It was getting a little boring...

Hey. You did a great job.

Thanks, Gary.

I don't think your dad's coming.

I'm sorry, honey, but I think we need to go.

Stop reading my mind!

All right.

I mean, this is what I worry about.

Did you do that with your mind? No.

Liar.

We're just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect.

It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman, he's 80 years old, and he was simply confused. Unbelievable.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

Don't just have a great night, have an American night.

And we are clear!

Yes!

Great!

All right!

I don't believe it! You did it, Ron!

Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.

I don't deserve this.

It was a team effort. It really was.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we all know there's one reason that GNN has gotten to the top.

And that reason is the greatest bloody newsman in the world.

Long may he reign!

Mr. Ron Burgundy!

Yeah, Ron! Yeah!

Fire it up, Ronny!


Let's blaze.

Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.

We did it, my onyx hellion.

You're magic!

Ron, you should see what you're doing!

In the myth of Icarus, Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride, flew too high and the sun melted his wings.

Burgundy's fame was bigger than he ever imagined.

And the fall was dizzying.

Oh, my God, Ronny!

Ron!

Open the bloody gate. Will somebody call an ambulance?

Do not die in front of us!

Do not die in front of us!

Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.

Somebody call an ambulance!

Damn it, Milton, what is it?

Well, Ron...

It looks as if both optic nerves are separated from their respective corneas.

What? No other way to put this, but...

You're blind.

Milton, I'm an anchorman.

I read the news off the teleprompter. It's what I do!

HOW will I live?

I'm no career counselor, but there are many things you can do.

Be an oracle, or a mystic.

Clearly, there must be something in this new-fangled office of yours that can help me!

Settle down. There's got to be something in here!

Settle down!

Zombies! Zombies!

If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you.

The world of the blind.

Ron Burgundy, a man who had flourished in a visual medium, had forever entered this realm of darkness.

Always lonely Always looking To get even with the men who did him wrong

That was Billy Who is it?

Ron, it's us!

I'm sure you gentlemen are famished from your travels.

I hope you like Triscuits and some pimento loaf.

Still hot off the griddle!

There we go.

Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron.

Jack Lime's been filling in for you since you've been gone.

You know, he's really not such a bad guy after all.

He goes by Jack Lamé now.

Well, he shouldn't be doing that.

He should be going by Jack Lame.

Brick!

Brick.

That's checkers and caulk. Don't eat that.

What about Linda? She hasn't called.

Linda's pretty busy.

Ron, I'm going to need your recipe.

So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day?

You're just out here pretty much away from everything.

Well, every day begins about the same.

I wake up screaming in terror because of the blackness and I think I'm dead.

Every day?

Yes! Every day!

And then I begin what's called The Great Adventure.

Making breakfast.

I've eaten everything from nails to drink coasters.

One time I bit hard into a marble ashtray, thinking it was a savory waffle.

I wanted that waffle so bad! Completely shattered my teeth.

Couldn't you tell the ashtray wasn't hot like a waffle?

No! I couldn't! Because I'm blind!

I'm not blind 23 hours a day or 22 hours a day, I'm blind the whole goddamn time!

Do you have any idea what it's like to drink a half a bottle of ketchup thinking it was a bottle of 1946 Chéteauneuf-du-Pape?

I even decanted it!

If you drank half a bottle of that, that's like...

That's like nine or 10 gulps.

I mean, you couldn't tell that was ketchup?

Did I stutter?

I'm ba-lind!

You're having a tough time, Ron, I know.

You know what the biggest indignity is?

I can't even masturbate!

Why? Heck, one morning, I spent 20 minutes aggressively rubbing my shin, wondering, "Where's the sensation?

"Where's the pleasure coming?"

You rubbed your shin thinking it was a penis?

I know you think I'm stupid, don't you? No!

The weirdo who lives in the weird lighthouse in the middle of nowhere.

Ron, it was your choice to live in a "weird lighthouse."

You know why I live here?

Let me say it real slow and real loud.

I'm blind!

I guess we should get out of here.

Maybe you should go. Yes.

Why don't you guys get out of here!

Despite my complete and utter isolation, your gentlemen's visit has actually made it worse!

Goodbye, Ron.

What?

No, don't go!

Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back!

Wait! Come back!

Come back!

I'm alone!

Why have you done this to me, God? Why?

Couldn't you have cured a sick child or created a new animal?

But, no, you had to make Ron Burgundy blind!

Well, I never thought that I would see the Ron Burgundy full of so much self-pity.

Who is it? What is that noise?

Take my hand.

I can't see it!

Reach for it, Ron!

You have to learn to do for yourself now.

All right. This... Okay. Here we go.

Get up. There we go.

Cher, is that you?

You can't recognize me by my voice?

Jan-Michael Vincent?

Really?

Every news station is copying what you did, Ron.

All the stories are about animals, or car chases or strip clubs.

The genie has been let out of the bottle, and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.

That's why I quit WBC News. What?

There's no real news being reported out there.

It's just all about ratings.

Veronica.

Why are you here?

I'm here for our son, Ron.

Walter needs you.

I need you to start taking responsibility for him and for yourself.

Do you realize you're talking to a man who just this morning tried to brush his teeth with a live lobster?

What?

You would've known the second that you touched it...

I'm just saying it's not going to be a cakewalk.

Well, then we best get to it.

Now, drink your tea.

Let me get a sponge. I'll get it. All right. No, no, just stay there.

I'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.

Let's try this again.

Did you throw it? Yes, I threw it.

Just remember the curves.

The curves.

The green eyes. Green eyes.

You have to use your other senses now!

I can't do it!

Baxter found something on the beach!

Ron, be careful!

It's okay!

Walter, what is it? It's some kind of fish!

Oh, my goodness!

If he stays tangled in this net, he's not going to survive.

Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.

Son, don't you worry, we won't let this fellow die.

We'll do it together, Dad.

That should keep him in there until he's strong enough to swim out to the deep ocean.

Can I name him?

Of course you can, son.

What about Crackers?

Give me a goddamned break.

Seriously, you've got one of the most vicious predators in the ocean, you're gonna name him "Crackers"?

In the future when you say I can name something, don't be a dick about it.

Why don't we do this? Let's name him Doby.

You talk all that smack and that's the best name you come up with?

Well, we're not gonna get any better than that.

I mean, you obviously can't name him anything that sounds good.

How about we forget about this whole name thing and you go straight to hell?

Well, I don't know what to do.

We might as well poison the water and let him die.

Let's just go with Doby.

Fine, then it's settled. It's Doby.

We'll call him Doby even though no one likes it.

All right, I can live with that.

Don't worry, Baxter. We won't feed him your dog food.

Even though Ron Burgundy had lost his sight, he had never seen so clearly.

You did it!

And with every inch Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.

It's just a bunch of crazy lines, isn't it?

No. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

What about Gary?

We split up two weeks ago.

He was too emotionally stable. It was so annoying!

And so, just like the passing of the seasons, it came time for Doby to return to the deep waters he was meant to call home.

I hear his tail splashing!

He's actually swimming away!

Is he looking back for us over his shoulder?

Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron.

No, he just swam away, and he's instantly looking for fish to eat.

He was my best friend.

You Swam with strength You Loved with grace You touched us all With your expressionless face

Doby, oh, Doby May you find many treasures Both emotional and monetary You were wise and loving And never contrary Doby Oh, Doby I'll never forget thee

Doby Oh, Doby I'll never forget thee

Promise you'll always be there for me, Dad?

I promise.

If I say I'll be there for you, there's nothing on God's earth that will stop me.

I love you, Dad.

Let's get back up to the lighthouse, all right?

Come on. Okay.

Let's go.

I hope you eat lots of fish and people, Doby.

There you are.

I found the most beautiful clams down by the estuary.

I thought we could steam them up tonight with a nice butter sauce and some wine.

Veronica.

Yes, Ron?

Can you explain this?

Ron, this is Dr. Brangley. I've left dozens of messages.

Somehow, they must be getting erased.

But there is a procedure that can possibly return your sight.

Please get back to me if you're interested.

Well? Have you been erasing these messages?

Yes. Ron, just let me explain.

How could you?

We've never been this happy, and I just thought that...

Thought that if I could see again, that somehow I couldn't love you and Walter anymore?

Yes!

Damn you, woman! You lied to me!

I gave you everything!

I gave you my heart, my smile, my seed.

And you lied to me.

Dad! Sweetheart.

No! Dad!

Don't leave, Dad!

Dad! Walter, just...

Sweetheart, we have to let him go.

He needs to go free.

Just like Doby.

He'll be back. He promised.

Could you please call me a damn cab? I'm blind!

Of course!

Ron, the operation was a success.

But we won't know for sure until we remove the bandages.

Well?

Yes.

I can see.

Oh, God, oh, God. It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!

You are my inspiration.

Well, thank you.

Welcome back, Ron.

Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.

Good luck in Vietnam.

Brick.

Brick and I are having a baby!

We're gonna name him Tortilla Jackson.

All right. I'm 22 months pregnant.

Well, get over here, you bastard.

Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.

Hold on to that drink. I just want to grab some air.

How you doing there?

I'm fine. Just...

Just a lot of people in there.

Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that I never called or visited.

There's no need to explain.

But, listen, I mean, you're back.

Hello, Ron.

What are you doing here?

I had to come tell you something very important.

You must be Linda Jackson.

You must be Veronica.

Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.

This is a touching moment for me.

Please, don't take this the wrong way, but if you touch Ron again, I will shoot you in the cooch with a B.B. gun.

You can talk big all you want, but guess what, this kitten's got claws, bitch.

Don't mess with me, Linda, because this "White Thunder" rolls deep and it rolls nasty.

I was feeling a little bit down, but this is definitely picking up my mood.

Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone.

And it's been an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.

This has been great.

Do you guys want to kiss real quick?

Ron. Read the room.

I'll take that as a no.

Bye, Linda.

I know why you haven't been returning my messages.

I wasn't calling for me, I was calling because Walter has a piano recital in half an hour at the Tishman School on 65th Street.

And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.

Walter.

It would mean the absolute world to him to have you there.

Ron, I just got a call from the control room! Big fan.

Actress Sheila Blackledge, the mom from the hit sitcom Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd, she just found out her husband cheated on her and she severed his penis while he slept!

Oh, my goodness.

The police arrived. She fled in her white Bronco, and now they're engaged in a high-speed car chase!

We've got an exclusive on the live feed, but we've got to go, right now!

Ron, this can be your comeback.

Veronica, I... No, Ron. No.

That will get sky-high ratings.

Walter will understand. Walter will understand.

Go.

Come on, Ron. Priorities!

Veronica! Come on!

Can you hear me? Yes, yes.

You're coming in loud and clear.

You're back and you get this story.

This is gonna be huge. Right.

So, is it good to be back home?

Yeah, I feel good.

God, look at him. Like a beacon in the night!

My golden goose.

All right, baby.

So I'm just gonna be giving you the details.

Five, four, three, two...

Good evening, America.

After some time off, it's good to be back with you.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

We have a story tonight involving an affair, a cut-off penis, a TV star and a car chase.

And throw it to the feed.

The only problem is...

What's he doing? Ron, are you okay?

It's not news. What?

Turn off the prompter.

Ron, this is Kench.

What the hell do you think you're doing, mate?

Just read what's in front of you, or I will ruin you! Don't!

Don't! You leave Kench inside your head!

God damn it! He took out his earpiece.

You see, folks, I've read a lot of news in my day, but it's... It's taken me until now to realize what real news is.

Real news is supposed to let people know what the powerful are up to, so that that power doesn't become corrupt.

But what happens when the powerful own the news?

You piece of shit!

Shit. He's blowing the whole thing up.

Recently, I've been on a bit of a personal journey.

I made love to a proud, intelligent black woman.

I became blind.

I bottle-fed and raised a shark.

And I smoked a fair amount of crack.

But the most important thing I've learned is that there was an emptiness left after turning my back on three of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Hi, Ron!

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see my child's recital and tell the woman I love that I still love her.

Good night, America, and never forget, you deserve the truth.

Good. He's dead, done.

Linda, get the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!

He's coming back!

Also, one other thing.

Koala Airlines is a really shitty airline.

You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!

Guys, I'm sorry.

For a while there, I don't know what became of Ron Burgundy.

Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Brian, I...

No reason why I killed that story of yours.

It was excellent reporting.

And, Champ, I'm sorry I said no to all those offers for late-night deep-tissue rubdowns.

Ron, you're a good man.

But you have fallen victim to your own ego and your own hubris.

And before others can forgive you, you must learn to forgive yourself.

What was that, Brick?

I'm wearing two pairs of pants.

Thank you.

So that's it?

You're sorry?

You know what, Burgundy? Apologies are like assholes.

Everyone's got one and everyone's got a shoebox full of Polaroids of them under the bed.

Ron, we're a team.

We need you.

Let him go, Champ.

Ron!

Long live Ron Burgundy!

I'm Brick Tamland for GNN News.

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

You little hack!

Who the hell do you think you are?

After everything I've done for you, this is how you repay me? Well, I will crush you!

Once again, Mr. Burgundy, you are the ballsiest white man I've ever known.

What the hell?

One more for old times' sake.

Thank you.

Is Dad going to come?

No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.

He's going to come. I know it.

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Damn it!

It's so hard for a proud Mexican to get a taxi in this city!

I need to see my son!

And now, to play an original composition that he wrote for his father, here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.

I made a promise! I made a promise to my son!

What the hell?

Well, hello, Ron.

You out for a jog?

Jack Lime!

Where's everyone going?

Please. I don't have time to talk, okay? I have to be somewhere.

Well, that's funny. 'Cause I got nowhere to be because you pretty much destroyed my career.

Do you realize what it did to me, by making me call myself Jack Lame?

It was a living hell!

I'm telling you, you have to let me go!

Don't worry. Four against one.

This will be over fast.

Maybe not so fast!

My news team. Thank God!

Ain't a day that will be or has been that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.

Not a problem. When I'm done with these mutts, I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.

Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?

When I'm done with you, my mom's going to pick me up and take me home.

Wait!

Here's a headline for you.

"Moronic Yank Wankerman

"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From News Reader

"From a Superior Country."

For we are the BBC News Service.

No. Not now.

Fall back, fall back.

If y'all are gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the MTV News crew want in.

What's MTV?

I think it's a venereal disease.

The most requested video of the day?

A new band called Burgundy's Sucking Chest Wound.

It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Janson.

And Wendy Van Peele from Entertainment News.

Entertainment news is an abomination!

Who are you wearing today? Look, it's your own blood!

Today's celebrity birthdays... None.

Today's celebrity deaths...

All you dick-licks.

I like the way they're put together.

I like fighting girls.

I like to cunt punt cowboys.

You eat pussy? You're gonna.

Hey!

There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News team.

What about the French-speaking Quebec News?

The real voice of Canada!

Give it a rest, eh?

Give me a break! They can't have news.

Nothing happens in Canada!

We're gonna mop the floor with you!

We're gonna put the boots to you!

Sorry. Sorry.

We're gonna gouge your eyes out! And kick your head in!

Sorry! Sorry!

I like your ginger ale!

Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports.

Tonight's play of the day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body.

Holy shit, there's a lot of news!

It's true, the market is becoming saturated.

Hey. The History Network wants in on this. We're news, too.

Only news told much, much later.

Wait a minute. Is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?

Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.

I don't know about this, man.

The Minotaur isn't even history! He's mythology!

Let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Mack Tannen! What are you doing here?

You're too old for this.

Well, you see, there's the thing.

When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!

He's on our side, right, Ron?

He's a were-hyena!

I'm-a call Michael Jackson. I got a video idea.

All right, everyone, listen up!

By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return.

People will die.

I'm so horny right now.

Some will be disfigured.

In some cases, lasting friendships will be made.

And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.

Come on. What do we look like, rookies?

Sorry. Sorry.

When El Trousias, maiden of the clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!

I am El Trousias!

Hear my siren song!

El Trousias... The Juicies'.

That means you can start.

Brick, what the hell is that?

It's a gun from the future.

No fair! He's got a gun from the future!

Where did you get it from?

In the name of the King, the Queen and St. George.

Huzzah!


Guess you didn't see that coming.

Twenty degrees right.

Fill that gap!

Fall upon your swords! Life has no meaning!

There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son.

Release your soul to me.

Sorry!

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Sex Panther powers activate.


It's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Everyone, it's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Why do we have to fight?

There's so much I could learn from you.

In the name of Margaret Thatcher...

No! I sentence you to death!

Please, no!

What in the name of Dan Issel?

Gary!

Yes, Ron.

You and I never got along.

But using the power of my mind, I was able to see in the future that you would do good.

Now, go. I knew it!

Go to your son's recital.

I knew you had mind powers!

And make it the greatest day of your life!

Almighty, Almighty, light the fuse on my call.

Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools.

I repeat, cook these fools.

We've got to get out of here. There's too much news!

Man, what a rush!

The monster's my friend!

Ron, we can still make your kid's recital!

Hey, Ronny.

Jack Lime, please, I just want to get to my son's recital.

No! That is out of the question!

We're outnumbered, Ron.

Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!

Old MacDonald had a farm And then four guys on bikes showed up.

Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine news team!

Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?

This is a national news fight.

You made one mistake today.

You messed with somebody from San Diego.

It's actually pronounced San Diago.

Hell, Ron and I may not agree on everything, but we share the bond of being from the greatest city in the history of this Earth.

Well, ain't that cute?

But you're outnumbered three-to-one.

Why don't you go back to your mama?

Don't you use my mom's name in vain.

Dorothy Mantooth was a hard-working single woman who raised seven children on her own, and she remained sexually active till the day she died.

She brought pole dancing into the mainstream.

Now here's the thing. While I've been talking, my news team has emptied their gas tanks at your feet.

I drop this smoke and every one of you goes "poof."

Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman.

You drop that smoke, you die, too.

With the things I've done in my life, I know I'm going to burn in hell.

So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on Earth.

Oh, my goodness!

That's the most badass thing I have ever heard.

All right!

Looks like this fight's over.

Let's go, boys.

Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!

Sparklers!

No, no, no, Brick! No!


Bravo! Bravo. Yeah.

Dad!

Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here.

And I'd do it again.

Dad! Together we can defeat voodoo!

Ron had finally learned how to love his son and his wife more than his career.

And as it turned out, his walking off the news was the highest-rated TV event of the year.

He and his news team, along with Veronica, could have any job they wanted.

But before that, they had one little thing to take care of.

And now, before I join this couple in holy matrimony, Brick and Chani ask us to join them as they exchange their vows.

My dearest Brick.

Everything I have is yours.

My four lawnmowers. My sister.

My 35 ferrets.

My massive student loan and real estate debt.

It's all yours.

Chani.

I will never forget the exact moment I saw you.

My pee-pee got all uncomfortable in my pants, and I thought, "Here comes the warm milkshake out of the tip of my belly stick."

Wait! Look!

Walter, Walter, honey!

Look in the water!

It's Doby!

Oh, my God!

It's Doby! Doby!

Ron, what are you doing? He's not your friend!

Doby!

Ron! That's a shark!

He will eat you!

Old friends

Old friends Doby!

Sat on their park bench like bookends Oh, my God!

The shark actually recognizes him!

Nope. He's viciously attacking him.

Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!

If a man dies with love in his heart, does he truly die?

Absolutely!

But on this day, Ron Burgundy's grapple with this denizen from the deep was halted by 28 pounds of furry providence.

I bottle-fed you!

Baxter!

Baxter!

Baxter! Yes!

I know, I know, I love you, too.

Come on.


All right, let's do it.

You guys think...

I don't know how to use a computer.

Hey, fellas. I just saw Jack Lime out there.

He's a goddamn iceman.

Scared the crap out of me.