April Fool's Day (1986) Script

[Man] Go.

Go.

Oh, um, hi.

Uh, my name is Mary O'Reilly O'Toole O'Shea and, uh--

[Man] Don't be nervous.

Somewhere out there is the island my friend Muffy owns.

It's spring break, and she's invited us there for the weekend.

We're waiting for the ferry to take us there and, uh,

I don't know what else to say.

[Man] Why don't you tell us something about yourself?

Oh.

All right.

Something about myself.

Um, I want to work with handicapped children, and my parents are my best friends.

Oh, and I start convent school next semester.

And I fuck on the first date.

(all laughing)

April Fool's.

[Man] Nikki, baby, you're outrageous.

Get out of here, you knucklehead.

All right.

Uh, Kit, how about you?

I pass.

[Man] Uh, Arch, Skip.

Where are you?

Come on.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Sure, uh-huh.

I fuck on the first date.

(laughing)

We did, on the first date.

Didn't we, honey?

He's an animal.

[Clara] Need any help down there?

No, Clara.

Thanks.

I'm just doing some last minute straightening up down here.

I don't think I've worked so hard in my life.

You're sure you don't want me to stay?

There's gonna be nobody around here to help till the first ferry back, Monday, you know.

No.

Clara, you're a peach.

This one's mine.

I told my father I'd do it and I will, my way.

We don't want him to have any excuses.

[Clara] All right, then.

Have a nice party.

Nice?

It's going to be better than nice.

It's going to be bloody unforgettable.

Good luck.


(light orchestral music)

(vocalizing)


(growling) (screaming)

(laughing)

[Man] Here comes the ferry.

(boat horn blowing)

Is this the ferry to the St. John house?

Yeah, any second now.

Oh, thank goodness!

I didn't know if I was on the right road or not.

[Kit] Let me help you.

Kit Graham.

Nan Youngblood.

Hi.

That's Nikki Brashears.

Are you planning on staying a while?

No, it's just some work for finals when we get back.

You don't know how far behind I am.

Hi!

How's it going?

I got it.

Hi, Arch Cummings.

I've seen you around.

Jewett Hall, right?

Chaz Vyshinsky.

You've got great legs.

Chaz, Arch already has her bags.

I only met Muffy this term.

In Drama Society.

I volunteered to do their costumes.

I like to sew.

Did you see her in "Ghosts"?

No.

Oh, she was wonderful.

She's so talented.

Yeah, she is.

(chuckling)

Guy, your fly is open and your Hostess Twinkie is hanging out.

Come on if you're coming!

Excuse me, sir, but we're still waiting for someone.

This is Friday, my last run of the week.

I don't get paid overtime.

But you have to wait because they said this is the only way over and if he misses this one, how is he--

(car horn honking)

Wait up!

Go, go, go!

Sorry, guys.

Nik, Chaz, hi.

Rob Ferris.

Hi.

Hi.

(yelling)

Hi.

Harvey "Hal" Edison Jr.

But please, call me Hal.

Only my folks call me Harve and I just can't stand it.

Sure is pretty here, isn't it?

You're friends with Muffy St. John?

Sure am.

We sit together in Econ 3.45.

I let her copy my marginal utility curves.

Oh, I get it.

That's a joke.

[Skip] Harve.

Hal Springsteen!

Still the boss!

(laughing)

Okay, let's go-

We don't have all day.

[Hal] You all buddies?

Except for Skip and Nan.

Them we just met.

But we will be.

Careful what you say to him, though.

He's Muffy's cousin.

[Hal] Oh, no kidding!

Distant.

Over the horizon.

Otherwise I wouldn't have been invited.

Old money never mixes family with friends.

This is true, as long as I've known her.

To protect her family, I guess.

No, to keep her friends.

Choose your weapons, big guy.

Hey, what's this?

[Skip] You up for a game of Stretch?

Okay-.

Skip, your fly's open.

[Skip] Eat it!

Ah, Rob!

Your fly is open.

Okay, don't believe me.

Oh, nice.

(engine revving)

We're off.

Bye.

(laughing)

[Skip] First round, the Champ!


You know what I find amazing?

Muffy's her real name.

I mean, my name's Harvey, but they call me Hal.

So I figure Muffy must stand for something.

Muffin?

Muff-child, Moffo the Muffster, Muffin' Stuff--

Muff dive.

(chuckling)

(coughing)

Hi, what are you reading?

Milton's "Paradise Lost".

For Professor Russo's course on English Epic.

Mmm.

You know, it's a shame.

It's a dying form.

Dying.

Not too many people read it nowadays, even in college.

Really?

What about you?

Oh, er, "Treasure Island: The History of Pornography in America".

I'm a state university boy.

I don't have the perks Like some of you private college kids.

No, no, no.

Don't give me that.

First of all, I'm hoping to interview with her daddy's company, Southern Regional Sales, next year before graduation.

You know, he's worth more than 50 million over the counter.

But I don't think that's why she invited me, do you?

I mean, my God, we're not going to be sheltered little college kids our whole life.

Wake up!

Smell the bacon, Nan!

It's research I can do all on my own.

And this is the best part, I never get tired of it.

You want to take a look?

(sniffing)

Bruce's car was in the shop.

That's not my point.

Oh, my God.

(mysterious orchestral music)

We're going to spend a weekend there?

[Skip] What are you a fucking wimp?

I'm really not that interested anymore.

Come on, man!

Just one more.

Double or nothing.

Enough's enough.

What?

Are you scared?

Hey, I said give it a rest.

Oh, fuck!

(screaming)

I'll get him!

I'll get him!

(water splashing)

[Arch] Where is he?

All right!

What you're looking for?

(laughing)

We got them!

We got them!

Did we nail them?

Ha ha ha.

April Fool's.

Very funny.

What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Somebody could have gotten very hurt out there.

At least we don't go in for this shoe-lace-is-untied crap.

You know that.

(laughing)

That was great!

Shit!

Okay, Buck, come on out of there.

Come on, I'm gonna need some help up here.

Why?

I'll just do it from here.

Throw me a line.

[Kit] This one?

That's the one.

That'll work.

Thank you.

Some hero you were.

Look, I took off my jacket and shoes.

What the fuck do you want from me?

There were three guys in the water.

At least I'm not all wet.

Chaz, I'm only kidding.

Nikki, can we borrow your towel?

[Nikki] Yeah.

(ominous orchestral music)

Hey, you guys have got to admit, it was a hell of a trick.

I loved it.

(laughing)


Buck!

Look out!

(screaming)

(wood crunching)

(screaming)

Shit.

(screaming)

[Chaz] Calm him down!

Calm him down!

You've got to get him to a doctor.

Cal!

(screaming)

Cal!

Get in the boat!

(all shouting)

[Buck] They did it!

They did it!

(screaming)

What's going on?

Sam, what happened?

Tricks.

Pranks.

Ask your friends.

Is your dad around?

No, he's in Sutton Place.

Why?

You haven't heard from him or anyone else?

No.

Look, I'm gonna have to borrow your boat to get back to shore.

We keep all the keys on board in the kitchen, but I think there's an extra one under the cushion there.

Look, you people, stay put, all of you.

If anything else happens, or if anything happens to Buck, I want to know just where to find you.

Skip, it's not your fault.

It was an accident.

You didn't know.

Sure.

Did you see his face?

Muffy.

Nothing bad ever happens to her.

There's an awful lot to be done with this place.

You sound as if you own it.

I will, if all goes well.

Next month when I turn 21, it's my first stage inheritance.

First stage?

What's your second?

Texas.

You may be talking to your future boss, Harve.

(gasping)

Nikki, burn my bags, baby!

I am home!

Oh, yeah!

I could get really used to this.

We used to spend all our summers here before my mother died.

It's a very special place to me.

[Kit] It's like a dream.

[Muffy] On a clear day, you can see the Kennedys.

Wow!

You guys, look at this!

(humming)

Oh, Muffers, our very own place settings!

With our very own place cards and here's our own little dolly!

It's just like an Agatha Christie.

- [Arch] And sparks!

Sporks?

And napkins with bunnies on them.

Gee, Muffy, you really spared no expense.

How do you think Daddy made his money?

The old fashioned way.

He inherited it.

I used to have all her outfits.

Hold it!

Don't anybody move!

But before this night is over, somebody in this room

(laughing manically) will pull his wang.

"My first experience was, A, painful and degrading, "B, not so hot, but I really cared about him, “C, I was ready to try again

"or D, wildly exciting.

"I had an orgasm.“

A and part of B.

A and B, "Painful and degrading, not so hot, "but I really cared about him."

That's so sweet.

I'll take B.

[Nikki] "Not so hot, but I really cared about him."

Was it Rob?

Oh, no, it wasn't Rob.

What about you, Nikki?

A and D, "Painful and degrading.

"Wildly exciting.

"I had an orgasm.“

(laughing)

Anyway, “The one thing I haven't tried yet

"but am intensely curious about is,"

"A, oral sex,"

"B, anal entry,"

"C, S&M, "D, group sex,"

"E, lesbian sex,"

"or F, all of the above."

What was C?

Hi, my name is Mary O'Toole O'Reilly O'Shea.

I want to go to convent school, and things like that.

Welcome.

Welcome to my home and "Lifestyles of the Rich and Undeserving".

My name's Arch Cummings and I'm on a mission here, I'm on a mission to bed as many women as humanly possible.

Nan's out, to be honest.

She likes the theater, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, she's out of those first round draft choices, if you know what I mean.


(mysterious orchestral music)


A poor boy can say, fuck you, Dad.

I'm my own person.

What's his father going to do?

Kick him out of the house?

Disinherit him?

His life won't change much.

He's got nothing to lose.

His father's love.

(chuckling)

That was lost a long, long time ago.

[Nan] Skip, blaming yourself won't make Buck any better.

Hi.

Ta-da.

Boy, Muffy, you sure know how to make a guy look forward to dessert.

Please God, let it be ding dongs.

St. John hospitality, taken to the extreme.

[Arch] Well, I think it's real friendly.

Makes me feel right at home.

[Nikki] How are we going to feel after these beans?

(Whoopee Cushion farting)

(Whoopee Cushion farting)

You guys!

(all laughing)

Nan, do you want some beans?

(laughing)

(howling)

(water splashing)

[Chaz] I wonder how Buck's doing.

You think we should call or something?

I'll call later.

I'm sure he's getting the best medical care available, right?

Guys, let's change the subject.

Well, Harve's got his job interview all figured out.

What about the rest of us?

Does anyone know what they're gonna be doing after graduation?

(all laughing)

Good choice, Arch.

This is incredible.

Here we are, privileged, independent, the hope for the future right at this table.

Not one of us knows what we're gonna do with the rest of our lives.

Rob knows.

Kit, come on.

Rob is going to medical school.

No shit.

You got early acceptance?

We can talk about this at some other time.

Why?

You've already had the meeting with your counselor, right?

Kit, I don't think he wants to talk about it in front of everybody.

[Rob] No, no, I don't mind.

[Kit] Hey, we're all friends here, right?

Sort of.

He said to forget it.

He said that my grades might be okay, but basically I possess an essential lack of seriousness.

And that's what they look for.

Him too.

That's what my guy said.

I said you've got to be kidding.

How can anyone be serious about anything when some moron can steal a bomb Or push a button and nuke us all until our shadows glow?

He wasn't impressed with that.

(laughing)

Oh, what's this?

Dom Perignon sparkling rosé?

Smells like Ripple.

[Nikki] Outdone yourself again, St John.

Can I make a toast?

Well, someone once said to me to cherish the friends you make in college.

[Arch] I try to cherish all the friends I make.

Stop it!

Because, because they'll be the friends you cherish most for the rest of your life.

So, well, here's to us.

And here's to my life, because I'm very glad to be here and to be a part of all of you.

Muffy, anything you want to add to that?

Why me?

[Nan] Because you're the hostess.

(all laughing)

Okay.

In his "Life of Johnson", James Boswell said, "We cannot predict the precise moment

"when friendships are formed.

"As in filling a vessel drop by drop, "there is at last one which makes it run over

(snoring)

"so in a series, "so in a series of kindnesses, "There is at last one which makes the heart run over."

So, with this toast, may our hearts run over and our friendships be formed.

All right.

[All] Cheers!

[Arch] Going down!

Okay.

Mmmm.

All over myself!

(all laughing)

Muffy!

(laughing)

April Fool!

Wow!

Is this the bridal suite?

You like it?

I thought you needed the room.

I'll find a use for it.

Muffy?

I know you and Arch had something going before I met him.

Arch is sweet, but he only has two expressions, collar up and collar down.

Yeah, I found that out.

I guess what I'm trying to say now is,

you always seem to get there first, but this time, Chaz is mine, okay?

What about Hal?

Harvey?

Mr Junior Achievement?

Oh, please!

Yuck!

Don't try to tell me you hadn't thought of me in that way, Muffy.

Why, I felt a spark between us the first time we laid eyes on each other in Econ 3.45.

Why, just think of it, Muffy.

With my, my talent and your

money.

No.

All right.

We're going to have some privacy.

(clearing throat)

You've got to be kidding.

Unless Muffy knows something about us we don't.

Hold me, big fella!

Hold me!

Just holster it, cowboy!

Let's play Hide the Sausage.

(laughing)

Pick it up!

[Arch] Hold me like a man can hold another man!

Why, just think of it, Muffers.

With my raw, driving talent

and Your!

your--

(ominous synth music)

(door clicking)

Wrong room.

(banging)

[Hal] Shit.

(spitting)

(gasping)


Oh, come on!


(water running)

(baby crying)


(ominous synth music)


Rob

Are you still angry with me?

About dinner?

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm not angry at you.

I'm just, just angry.


(laughing)

Ow, Jesus!

(laughing)

Very funny.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(yelling) (gasping)

Muffy!

Arch!

Hi, Muff!

Hi.

Do you know what time it is, love?

Mm-hmm.

(squealing)

Goodnight.

(signing)

(laughing)


Real funny, you guys!

Better ride than you could give me.


(chuckling)


(mysterious orchestral music)

Hello?

Shit.

(clattering)

Who's there?

(cat meowing)

Fuck!

Jesus Christ!

Fucking cat!

Oh, God.

(intense orchestral music)


(grunting)

(grunting)

Morning.

A nightmare about Buck and I don't know--

[Rob] Good morning.

I was just hungry.

I must look a mess.

(gasping)

Morning, Muff.

[Muffy] I forgot to get dressed.

So who made her night?

(laughing)

I don't know.

Where's Skip?

That depends what he's on.

You guys have got to be kidding.

Have fun.

Hey, Nan, what about it?

Come on.

No, thanks.

Besides, I thought I'd wait to see what Muffy wanted to do.

Chaz.

(laughing)

(all shouting)

Wedgie.

(laughing)

Oh, oh, oh.

Chaz comes down.

He comes down with it.

That's my bad knee!

I've got Nikki, I've got Nikki, you get the ball.

I'm covering Nikki.

I've got her.

She's covered.

[Chaz] Harvey, Harvey!

Good one, Harve!

Good one!

(grunting)


(signing)

Hey, Rob, what's wrong?

I'm just thinking about that meeting I had with my adviser.

I feel like I'm going nowhere.

[Kit] He only said you weren't serious enough.

Kit, maybe it's crazy you investing so much energy in me.

Oh yeah, sure, you feel this way about me now.

What about a year from now, when I'm a TV repairman and all those other guys are--

Rob, you're right.

I know.

I told you.

I'm right.

You're right.

I know.

I'm right.

I said I'm right.

There's no question.

[Rob] I'm right.

[Kit] You're a jerk.

[Rob] Oh, God!

I am.

Come here, baby.

(gasping)


(ominous orchestral music)

(screaming)

Skip, you son-of-a-bitch!

Skip!

Skip!

Respectable young Quaker couple returning from a quiet afternoon of non-violent sex.

So how was it?

Where's Skip?

Anybody seen him?

[Nikki] Who wants to know?

God damn it, can't you just give me a straight answer!

We just saw him down at the boat house, he was drifting by in a boat.

He wasn't moving.

He looked dead, unless he was joking.

[Chaz] Well, if it was Skip--

I saw his face, Chaz.

Look, has anybody seen him since last night?

Jesus Christ!

[Arch] Well we'll look for him.

I'll go with you.

Come on.

[Chaz] I'm coming, too.

What's happening?

Is something wrong?

Skip!

Hey, asshole!

Hey, Skip!

Wait a minute.

Look at this.

Skip's knife.

Think it was that guy on the ferry?

I don't know.

I don't know what to think.

I say we go looking for them.

Him or Skip, one of them's got to be around here somewhere.

You mean split up?

Yeah.

That's not--

No sucker's taking me yet.


I know why you're avoiding me.

This is your idea of a joke.

That's why you invited me here, isn't it?

Isn't it?

How did you find out?

From one of his preppy friends?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You mean the tape just got there?

Just appeared?

You know, I thought you wanted to be friends.

Skip!

(suspenseful orchestral music)

Skip?


(branch cracking)

Skip?

(rustling)

(screaming) (suspenseful orchestral music)

(gasping)


Any sign of Skip?

No luck here.

Where's Arch?

[Chaz] He was with you.

Shit!

That's it!

I don't like this.

I definitely don't think I like this.

It's time to call the police.

8248.

Constable Potter has an office at his home.

Who wants tea?

It'll relax our nerves.

[Chaz] Is she kidding?


I didn't know what kind anybody would like so I brought them all.

Here, let me help you.

I'll get some water.

Has he reached the constable?

We haven't be able to get through to the mainland yet.

Oh, the main.

It's probably broken.

There's no water?

What's happening?

[Kit] There's no water!

What?

It happens sometimes.

But there's still the well.

[Nikki] Jesus, I'll go.

Just point me in the right direction.

Not without me.

I'm not worried about those two.

Skip and Art.

They're probably playing some kind of stupid trick.

Yeah.

Probably.

Is that it?

When she said well, she really meant well.

Who dug this thing?

Pocahontas?

Here, let me do that.

I've probably had more experience than you.

You mean back home on the farm?

I know you think I'm a hick, but I'd like to change your mind about that if you'd give me a chance.

[Nikki] Why?

Because I would really like to plow your field.

Draw me some water.

Oh, crap!

What happened?

[Hal] I lost the bucket.

Harve.

Hal!

The rope was rotten.

Any fool could have seen that.

You didn't.

Would you shine the light down there.

So I can get a fix on it.

Oh.

[Hal] Nice going.

Okay, so I spazzed out.

Now we're even.

(signing)

What do we do now?

Look, there are little rungs leading down the side.

So?

So you better get a move on.

Are you crazy?

I don't exactly relish the idea of spending the entire rest of the weekend without water.

Well, I'm not going down there.

Okay, fine.

Whoa, wait a minute!

What are you doing?

[Nikki] What does it look like I'm doing?

I don't think you ought to do this.

Nikki.

Harvey, I'm a big girl now.

I think I can handle a few spiders and frogs.

[Hal] Just be careful down there, all right.

Watch what you're doing.

[Nikki] Oh, watch what I'm doing?

That's a hot one!

I can barely see a thing.

Well just, just watch out anyway, okay?

Just be careful.

(gasping)

Nikki!

Nikki!

Nikki!

Hey, answer me!

I'm fine, I'm fine.

(screaming)

Nikki!

Nikki!

(ominous orchestral music)

(screaming)

Answer me!

Nikki!

(screaming)

Help!

Nikki!

Nikki!

Answer me!

Help!

Rob, Kit!

Help!

Nikki, damn it, answer me!

Nikki!

Nikki!

Shit!

(screaming)

[Nikki] Oh, my God!

(screaming)

[Hal] Come on!

Come on, reach!

Damn it, come on!

(screaming)

(screaming)

It's okay now.

With the others, they were outside, but see, we're inside, so we're safe now.

[Nikki] It's all because of what happened on the ferry, isn't it?

It was an accident.

Christ, don't they know that?

Muffy, where do you keep your guns?

Guns?

We don't keep guns in this house.

Here.

God, not the water!

It's all right.

It's Perrier.

Here.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Constable Potter, listen man, you've got to help us.

Arch, Skip and Nan--

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

That ain't possible.

I'm telling you, I'm at the hospital right now visiting Buck.

(ominous orchestral music)

With Muffy?

What are you saying?

Yeah, all right, all right, all right.

Just please, please get here, okay?

He's on his way.

He wants us to wait here and stay together.

What about the ferryman?

[Rob] Wasn't him.

They've been together all day.

What?

[Kit] I don't understand.

I don't either.

He's gonna send up a flare as soon as he's nearing the dock.

Then we go down as a group to meet him there.

In the meantime, we just wait here.


(light orchestral music)

It's my father's study.

I just came in to make sure that everything was secure.

I had to lock those windows.

Good idea.

Sometimes, with the tides, it could take somebody all night to get here from the mainland.

And even then, sometimes, they don't make it.

(mysterious orchestral music)

Yeah.


[Rob] What is taking him so long?

Maybe it's the tides.

Wait a minute.

Aren't we supposed to be staying together?

What about Rob and Muffy?

Rob's out back checking the doors.

What about Muffy?

She's acting less than normal anyway.

[Kit] What do you mean?

You mean all day and you haven't noticed?

Well, who isn't?

Those nurse's shoes.

What nurse's shoes?

The clodhoppers she's been walking around in today.

I mean crepe soles?

She was arguing with Nan in the hall before you and Rob came back alone from the woods.

About something Nan found in her room.

Something--

[Chaz] What?

Something about an abortion.

I found something in my room, too.

But I don't think it was intended for me.

Oh, really?

Oh, fuck you, Chaz.

What did you find?

I didn't find anything.

Uh-huh, and we're just supposed to believe that, right?

That's right.

I spent the night with Nikki, Harve.

What about you?

What about me?

[Chaz] What's your little secret, huh?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come on, sport-o.

I came into your room last night.

You were jumping around like your ass was on fire.

That was nothing!

It was just some newspaper clippings of some car accidents.

Nothing personal in that I suppose?

No!

Who hasn't had a car accident?

That's a common thing.

I haven't.

Oh, knock it off, Chaz!

See what I wanna know is how did Muffy find out about this stuff and why--

Stop it!

Just stop it, you guys!

What's wrong with us?

What happened to our talk about friendship and undying loyalty?

Do you know what we're saying?

We're actually sitting here, discussing the possibility that Muffy, a good friend of all of ours, Has invited us all here this weekend to--

(clock chiming)

I'm going upstairs.

Muffy, listen, we should all stay together.

This is my home!

I'll be in my room.

(dramatic orchestral music)

She does have a point there.

We're all starting to get on each other's nerves.

As long as we all just stay within shouting distance of each other.

Are you coming?

I'm gonna find a way up to the attic.

Why?

I can probably see the constable better from up there.

It's all right.

I can keep watch on the stairs.


(mysterious orchestral music)

[Chaz] Nikki, come on!

[Nikki] "Nikki, come on!"

Don't give me any of this "Nikki, come on".

[Chaz] What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Look, stay if you like.

Lock your door, dig a trench, hang out.

But once I leave this place, I'm never coming back.

[Chaz] We're supposed to all stay together.

[Nikki] Oh yeah, that has been real effective.

What are you going to do, huh?

Waltz down to the end of the pier by yourself?

Check your bags with the porter and wait for a stray ocean liner to happen by and pick you up?

(yelling)

I can't stay here any more.

What if the constable never even shows?

Then I'll swim all the way back to the mainland if I have to.

Okay, you relax.

Oh great, three people are dead and you are telling me to relax.

Nikki, just wait a minute, okay, Nikki?

Look at me.

Nikki, look at me!

Now, I know you've been through a lot.

We've all been through a lot.

Am I nervous?

Yes.

Am I a little bit scared?

Yes.

But am I running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

Oh, nice image.

No!

I mean, you've got to just lighten up a little bit.

Come on.

Hey, would the birdman of S&M worry?

Very funny, Chaz.

You gotta look at the bright side of things.

Everything's going to be okay.

Would you take that thing off?

Okay, okay.

Ah!

How about this one, huh?

You are such a jerk.

[Chaz] Oh, this is turning you on, I can tell.

Kiss me, you savage she-devil!

Get away from me!

[Chaz] Ooh, stop it stop it some more!

I love it when you're rough.

Of course, it would help if I could breathe in here just a little.

Nikki?

Come and get it!

(mysterious orchestral music)

Nikki?

Oh, very subtle, Chaz.

What am I supposed to do?

Just throw off my clothes and jump on top of you?

Just wind her up and watch her go!

You have got a lot to learn, buddy.

What is this, show and tell?

You show me yours and I get to show you mine?

Well, forget it!

You can just take that thing and shove it right back in your pants, kiddo.

Chaz.

Chaz!

Oh, come on, Chaz.

Just say something.

(ominous orchestral music)


No one's been up here in years.

Do you see him?

[Rob] No.

He must not have a light on his boat.

[Kit] Or maybe he's chosen not to use it.

Kit, he said something else about Muffy, on the phone.

[Kit] What?

He said not to trust anyone.

That's why we were supposed to stay together.

No one was to be left alone with anyone else.

And he said especially not with Muffy.

What did he mean by that?

I don't know.

He wouldn't explain.

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Think about it.

He's known her a lot longer than we have.

[Nikki] Wait, wait, Rob.

What's that?

[Rob] Just the dolls.

[Nikki] Rob, she's been up here.

[Rob] So?

[Nikki] Rob!

[Rob] Jesus!

[Nikki] Rob.

It's Arch, Skip and Nan.

What are the two over there?

(flare firing)

He's here.

Come on.

Harvey!

Nikki!

Nikki!

[Rob] Harvey!

Harvey!


(ominous orchestral music)

(handle thudding)


Rob!

I can't find Harvey.

I can't find anyone.

Nikki's door is locked.

Rob, it was locked.

(ominous orchestral music)

(gasping)

What about Muffy?

Forget her!

She's my friend!

Muffy!

Muffy!

Muffy, open the door!

(screaming)

(shouting)

Come on!

Constable Potter?

Constable Potter?

Constable Potter?

[Nikki] Hey, wait, Rob.

Don't go in there.

If there's another flare, we can signal.

Maybe he already went back up to the house.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

Shit, there's no key.

Oh, damn!

Wait, wait, Rob.

"State Hospital.

"Pursuant to our previous communications, "please be advised that the patient under discussion

"has still not been found and returned to custody"

"and is now believed to be attempting

"to return to her home in your jurisdiction.

"If encountered, exercise extreme caution

"and notify us immediately

"as Miss St John has been a patient here for three years"

"and is still considered incorrigibly unstable

"and extremely dangerous."

Miss St. John?

Muffy hasn't been in an institution for three years.

She's been at Vassar.

We've got to get this boat started.

How?

Oh.

The house.

Didn't Muffy say there was a key in the kitchen, back in the house?

Oh, Rob, I can't go back up there.

I can't go back there.

Kit, we've got no choice.

We've got to go back.

Rob, look.

The doors.

They've been closed.

There.

That's how we're going in.

Here, hold this.

Here.

Where are the stairs?

What's that?

Rob, look.

(suspenseful orchestral music)


Oh, my God!

It's Muffy's clothes!

[Rob] I don't get it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What?

What's that?

I don't know.

Oh, my God!

The picture of the girls in the study, that letter, And what the constable was trying to tell you!

It's not Muffy!

It's her twin sister, Buffy!

She's got a twin sister!

Rob, don't you see?

Rob!

Oh, my God!

Rob, I can't--

Pull it away.

(intense orchestral music) (screaming)

The boat key?

It's got to be here.

Where is it?

The wall!

The key board?

(screaming)

Jesus!

Look in the cupboards!

I can't find it!

Damn it!

Where is it?

Kit!

Let me out, Kit!

(screaming)

Let me out, Kit.

No!

Rob!

(screaming)

Buffy!

Run, Kit, run!

Please, just leave us alone, okay?

Please, we're just going to go home now.

Enough!

Stop!

[Rob] Babe!

Please just let us leave.

Buffy, you can stop now.

Stop!

No, Buffy, no!

I love you, Kit!

Please.

No.

Please, just leave us alone!

Please.

Just let us go, please.

No!

No!

No!

(screaming)

(clock ticking)


Oh, ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

That's really funny, you guys!

Really funny!

Fuck you!

(all laughing)

Kit, I love you!

Kit!

I love you!

(screaming)

I love you, too, babe.

(screaming)

(screaming)

[All] April Fool!

(all laughing)

(screaming)

Kit, Kit!

(all laughing)

(screaming) (all laughing)

You guys are so terrific.

I love you all.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such good sports.

Oh yeah, sure.

Quite welcome.

Any time.

(all laughing)

Rob, you and Kit, you two were the best.

You figured it all out.

The clues.

They really worked.

What clues?

What's this all about?

And don't anyone say April Fool's again or I'll rip them apart.

(all laughing)

[Both] April Fool.

I tell ya.

It's a script for a weekend special.

It's going to help me keep the house.

Look, next month I get the house as part of my mother's inheritance.

It's true.

But only if I could show my father that it could carry itself, What with taxes and expenses and all.

Otherwise, he's gonna sell out of the family.

So I decided to turn it into a country inn.

But not just a stuffy old, run-of-the-mill country inn.

One that specializes in offering a once-in-a-lifetime whodunnit weekend.

I needed a rehearsal.

I had to try my idea out on somebody.

So you guys all had a part in this, right?

Don't look at me.

No, we got sucked into this just as badly as you did.

Once you were all killed off, yes.

But everybody had to co-operate or none of it would have worked.

So I guess there's no twin sister, Buffy then?

There is a crazy twin, all right, But his name isn't Buffy.

His name?

Skip?

He's your brother?

You bastard!

You were in on the whole deal too!

Only the set up.

Muffy told me to say I was her cousin so we could pull the prank on the ferry.

And I had no idea what was gonna happen to Buck.

Buck Williams, make-up artist par excellence.

I've got something for you, big guy.

(laughing)

Here, catch!

(gasping)

(all laughing)

These were just old props that I redressed with some of the help from Muffy's photographs.

Sure fooled me.

So, I take it this isn't the constable.

Kit Graham, I want you to meet my uncle, Frank St. John, Of St. John et Fréres, Wall Street.

Hi.

Harvey "Hal" Edison Jr.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

How did I do?

I've never done no acting before.

(laughing)

I was really shaking!

Oh.

Cal is our regular ferryman between the mainland and the islands around here.

But I thought he was up to the dramatic challenge.

Argh!

(all laughing)

Muff, you were so lucky.

You could have gotten yourself killed.

Well, I nearly did with Harve over there.

And who could have known about the snake in the woods with Arch?

But with the paying guests, they're gonna know what they're in for and the scenario won't be nearly so extreme.

I do regret some of the fake clues that I put into the bedrooms were taken a bit too seriously, and I'm sorry about that.

But we had fun, didn't we?

Come on!

I'm never gonna forget this weekend as long as I live.

(all laughing)

You're telling me.

When I was out there swinging in the woods, I nearly crapped my pants!

What do you mean, nearly?

I was there, remember?

Arch, you browned your trousers?

Well, you know, I was--

It's all right, Arch.

They'll be out of the dryer soon.

(all laughing)

♪ Mama told me not to come ♪

(all laughing)

♪ Mama told me not to come ♪ Drink, drink.

(all laughing)

Meet a good friend of mine.

(all shouting)

♪ Mama told me not to come ♪

♪ Mama told me not to come ♪

(all chanting)

♪ That ain't the way to have fun ♪

♪ That ain't the way to have fun ♪

(light jazz music)


(mysterious orchestral music)


(music box music)


(gasping)

(screaming)

Oh God!

(screaming)

No!

(laughing)

April Fool.

(upbeat music)

♪ Too bad you're crazy ♪

♪ Too bad you're loony as hell ♪

♪ So long, it could've been swell together ♪

♪ Too bad you're wacko ♪

♪ How sad your marbles are gone ♪

♪ We could be dancing till dawn ♪

♪ But you're too weird for words ♪

♪ How did you get so strange ♪

♪ You were such a beautiful kid ♪

♪ Now you are so deranged ♪

♪ Was it mom and daddy ♪

♪ Something they did ♪

♪ Too bad you're loco, too bad ♪

♪ You should be locked in a cell ♪

♪ How sad you're great ♪

♪ But, hey, what the hell ♪

♪ You're crazy ♪

♪ You're off the deep end, bon voyage ♪

♪ Your life's a practical joke, till damage ♪

♪ I'd bail you out, but I'm broke ♪

♪ Your brain's completely fried ♪

♪ Life's just a party trick to you ♪

♪ Clown jokes and lots of whoop-de-doo ♪

♪ It's time to put that on the shelf ♪

♪ Loving you is a three-ring circus ♪

♪ You do look fetching, too bad ♪

♪ It could be catching, egads ♪

♪ I'm a little bit crazy my ♪

♪ Just a little bit crazy my ♪

♪ I'm a little bit crazy myself ♪