Are We There Yet? (2005) Script

Mom says we have to be polite to her dates... and we will if he makes it to the door.

Merry Christmas, sucker. And don't come back for Kwanzaa.

Think you're going out with our mama?

I'm gonna get you two.

Get me out of here!

Lindsey, you really think Dad's coming back?

Any day now. But until then, we have to keep Mom available.

Problem is, she's just too pretty.

That just makes our job a whole lot tougher.

Sometimes I feel sorry for her.

Well, I feel sorry for the next sucker who tries to put the moves on her.

Mr. Persons. My man.

What you got for me?

I'll get the door for you. Got that new-car smell, you know?

This puppy's missing one thing.

Welcome to the big leagues, Satch. Let's make it happen.

Look at this ride. Parchment leather with the satin nickel trim.

Look out, ladies, here we come. Holla.

Nick Persons. How's it going, man?

How's it look?

Keep driving, fool. That's the one that sicced her dog on you.

What? You want some of this, huh? You want a piece of me?

Oh, my goodness. Six thousand pounds of respect.

Yeah. It's nice, huh? Yeah.

Take it for a spin? Yeah.

I don't think so.

Man, what did that unit set you back? I got a good deal on it.

Right. Your payments probably cost more than my car.

Marty, my shoes cost more than your car.

Look, Nick, here come your favorite customers.

Hey, mister, you got any Yu-Gi-Oh? What you think?

You got any Dragon Ball GT?

Look, you come in here every day asking the same questions.

We ain't got no Pokémon, no Digimon, no Buffy, no SpongeBob... no Beanie Babies and no shoplifters.

Now, get! Both of y'all, get!

You better get. You better get out of here.

You got a way with kids. They're like cockroaches... except you can't squish them.

You gonna clean that? I don't do windows.

What? It’ll dry.

People wanna know why I hate kids.

What's the matter with you?

I think I'm in love. Love? No...

What do you mean, love?

Oh, yeah, that's the new girl from the party-planning place. Yikes.

She's so fine. Yeah.

Man, I got to get with that. Whoa, whoa.

She's a divorcée, man.

That's way too much baggage for a guy like you.

Don't be so quick to judge people, man.

This isn't the Nick the Quick that I know.

Hey, I had broccoli yesterday. So?

Sometimes you got to try something new, my friend.

Look and learn.

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

How was school? I got 100 on my test.

Big deal. Okay, all right.

Who wants to go shoe shopping? Let's go.

What happened? Oh, man, she's a breeder.

Two of them.

Hey, wait!

Oh, no. Help!

Do you have any jumper cables?

No. No!

Hey, Nick, don't do this.

She's got two kids and a broken-down car.

What's next? You gonna ask her mama to move in with us?

Oh, I'm so happy to see you. I've been standing out here forever.

You know what?

This might not be a good idea, because we got rain, electricity.

Oh, but I sure do appreciate it.


You know, you look so familiar.

Have we met before?

Well, I'm Nick. I work right across the street from you.

Oh, that's right. You're the guy that owns that cute little toy store.

Fine sports collectibles.

Fine sports collectibles.

I'll hook this up for you.

I think my car hates me.

Oh, but, Nick, this is a nice ride.

Oh, you like this, huh? Yeah.

You know, look. It even heats the undercarriage.

I like it.

"I like it."

Remember the score: One player, two kids and...

Holy moly!

Oh, that is so cool.

That's a Satchel Paige bobblehead.

That's when he played for the Monarchs.

What? A woman that knows a little something about Satchel?

He was my daddy's idol. He pitched for five decades... including three shutout innings for the Royals at the age of 59.

Well, you know, my man Satch used to have a saying:

"Age is a question of mind over matter.

If you don't mind, it don't matter."

You know that?

This is Suzanne.

Hubba-hubba. Now, that's a woman.

Plenty of smarts, easy on the eyes, and can quote my stats.

I don't care if she got 100 kids. I like her.

All we gotta do is lose the small fries.

Now, I'm not saying drop them in the shark tank. No.

But there's nothing kids like more than military school.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Excuse me?

I don't mind.

If you need a lift, I'll give you a ride. Oh, okay.

Smooth, Nick. Here's how I think that we gonna make our move.

Pretend like you gonna help her with her seat belt... then with your free hand, put your arm around her shoulder and... Hey!

Let me out! How am I gonna wave you home if I can't see the play?

I'm a hall-of-famer. How about showing some respect?

And that's my story.

What about you, Nick? Are you local?

Black man from Oregon? Right.

No. I'm from St. Louis.

I actually moved out here to play Triple-A ball with the Beavers... but ended up hurting my shoulder, and it kind of ended my career.

Oh, you threw your arm out pitching.

Well, not exactly.

I tore my rotator cuff lifting my big-screen TV out of a U-Haul.

That's really sad. I know.

Good thing there's athlete's insurance, in case you do something stupid.

So, you know, I was wondering... if maybe you'd consider... If you wasn't busy...

What is going on out here? Mom, where have you been?

Miss Mable burned our dinner, fell asleep and just keeps farting.

Kevin and Lindsey, this is Mr. Persons.

He was nice enough to give me a ride home.

What's he want, a reward?

You know what?

I really better get out of here.


Hey, Nick? I don't mean to be a pest... but I was just wondering if you could give me a ride to work tomorrow.

Of course. Oh, great. Thank you.

See you tomorrow. Bye.

Mom, do you know what time it is?

Excuse me, I'm the mother. Get in the house.

Get in the house. It's raining.

Get in the house. Who is this stud, Nick?

You're supposed to be in bed.

Nick, thank you so much for helping me these past couple days.

You are so sweet. Yeah, I know.

Hey, does this seem ripe to you?

I don't know. I don't eat food unless it has an expiration date on it.

Nick, you are funny. You eat worse than my 7-year-old son.

You kind of dress like him too.

What's wrong with that?

And do you know I have never seen you without a hat?

You don't need to see me without it. Let me see.

What's under there? What?

Come on, Nick. Watch out. Get back. Hold on.

Get back. Give me that.

Hang on. Don't move.


Nick, wait. Right.

Wanna go to my apartment? No, I can't. I can't.

I've thought about it. I really have. But let's be realistic. I'm a single mom.

No, you're a sexy mama.

Do you know this whole time we've been hanging out... you've never once asked me about my kids?

How they doing? I bet you don't remember their names.

Rudy and Theo?


I think we should just be friends.

Next point wins. Let's go.

Hold on to your earrings there, Yao Bling... because I'm gonna embarrass you. And it's gonna hurt because I love you.

Give me that. Hey, that's a foul.

Come on, man, you hit my hand. No, I didn't.

Right here, baby. Right here.

Game time.

Yeah, baby. Yeah. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Get off of me, Lurch. That was a moving pick.

Let's run it again. Same teams. Come on.

No. I gotta go, y'all.

What? We're tied. Somebody has to lose.

It's the American way. Hey, somebody did lose.

You know I gotta go do that thing. What thing? What?

You know, I gotta take Suzanne to the airport in the morning.

Take Suzanne to the airport in the morning.

You are stuck in the friend zone. Get out of here.

Listen to me. We've been friends a very long time... and I am telling you, you gotta dump this girl.

What? We not even going out. That's the point, Nick.

Whatever it is you don't have going on, it has got to end.

Okay, for all those who listen to this clown...

Nick Persons will never be in the friend zone.

Understand that and believe that. Friend zone. Friend zone.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Friend zone.

Here you go. Oh, Nick, thank you so much.

You are such a great friend.

The friend zone is for losers only.

Please unload your friend and get on with your life.

Well, wish me luck. Good luck.

Thanks for everything, Nick.

Suzanne, can I talk to you real quick?


You know, what we got going... I mean, we don't really have something...

I don't really know what to call this...

Hang on. ...but it seems kind of...

This is Suzanne.

Yes, Frank.

Just one sec.

Well, when did that happen?

Well, actually, I'm already at the airport.

Hey. You can't park here. I know.

My friend's making a call. She'll be off in a second.

Gonna be an expensive call. I'm right here.

That's why you're getting a ticket.

They're expecting to spend New Year's Eve with you.

Oh, don't... Don't even go there with me, Frank.

You haven't spent five minutes with your kids since Labor Day.

Frank, you know what? I am so sick of this.

I... Hello? Hello?

Know what? That lady's got enough problems.

All right, let's move it along.

I'm not going. What's the matter?

My ex is sick, and he's not gonna pick up the kids.

What about the babysitter? She's leaving for Las Vegas... with her church group. Oh, no.

You know, my kids miss him so much... and all he ever does is pull the rug out right from under them.

I'm gonna lose my job.

What if I bring them?

I couldn't ask you to do that. That's too much.

Why not? Look, it's no big deal. Serious.

Really? Positive.

Are you sure? I wanna help you on this.

Nick, this is huge.

Thank you so much.

You are a lifesaver.

Okay, so I'll get the three tickets, and as soon as you guys land, call me.

Oh, no, I meant that I'll drop them off at the airport.

Oh, no. You can't expect the kids to travel alone, Nick.

Kevin's got asthma. That recycled air in the plane... I mean, yuck.

But it'd be fine. Kids fly all the time.

It's nothing. I'll make sure they get on the plane.

They'll get milk and cookies, little plastic wings, get to meet the pilot.

You know, it'd be real cool.

Especially with me sitting next to them making sure everything is all right.

Oh, how could I ever repay you?

Obviously, you don't care that she's using you.

But ask yourself this:

Would you trust a woman who'd trust you with her kids?

I'm tempted to call Child Services right now.

Uncle Nick loves kids.

Big lummox. Might as well just put myself on eBay.

Hello. I'm here to pick up the kids.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

What you wasting your time with Miss Suzanne for?

Excuse me? You come with me.

Miss Mable will take you on a guided tour to Sin City.

Oh, God. Excuse me.

Hello? Somebody?

Who wants to go to Vancouver?

Mom says that we should be polite.

Now, kids, I know you're disappointed about your father... but you're going to have fun.

Aren't you?

Yes, Miss Mable. Yes, Miss Mable.

Hey, did you bring us a gift?

Yeah, Mom's man friends always bring us presents.

Oh, of course.

What kind of guy you think I am? Uncle Nick loves kids.

As a matter of fact... Look, look, look.

Dr. Munchies pizza coupon.

You get a free liter of soda with any purchase of a large pepperoni.

What's a liter? Oh, yeah, and for you...

Look at that. Corkscrew. Cool.

Hey, it's got a knife. You can't give him that.

Shut up. Make me.

I don't make trash. I bury it.

Well, I'll bury my foot in your... Say it. You're too scared to say it.

Be quiet, you paranoid dunce.

Chicken. Stop it. Stop it.

Hey, wanna learn some Chinese?

Sure. What you got?

Sensei says, "The first one is always a decoy."


That's my seat. You stop.

They gonna eat you alive.

You're too ugly to sit in the front seat. That's my seat.

Hey! Watch the paint.

Okay, now, once we get in this terminal...

I want everybody sticking together.

Now, be careful opening that door.

Man! What did...?

Sorry, Nick. Oh, damn!

Boy, didn't you hear what I just said? You swore.

You damn right I swore. That's about $400 worth of damage to my new car.

That's twice. Now you have to put $2 in the swear jar.

Yeah, well, he gotta put about $400 in my pocket.

You got $400 for me? No.

And I want it cash.

Okay, man, no tears, all right?

I won't change diapers out here.

Real good. Have you ever thought of being a youth pastor or a therapist?

Look, it ain't like I said I was gonna take off my belt.

He's gonna beat me, Lindsey! Save me!

Hey. Hey, man. Don't touch me!

Little dude. Kevin. Come here. Get away!

Is there a problem here, sir?

Just a little game I'm playing with the kids.

Boy, bring your butt back here!

Kevin. Boy. Look.

Yo, yo, yo. Hey, hey. Look, look.

Look, I got money. Check it out.

Will that shut you up, huh?

Here you go. Ten bucks. Come on.

Yeah. That's right.

Hey, you can't buy us off. Apologize.

No, no. We're cool.

Yeah. We cool, little mama.

Plus, there's enough to go around. Got a ten-spot for you too.

I do believe I'm older than him.

I can't believe I'm getting hustled by a couple of gangsters. Here.

Now, hurry up. We can't be late.

When we go through, they can see our bones and innards?

No, fool, that's an x-ray. Wrong answer.

It's a metal detector.

Oh, to see if you have any bombs?

You're not allowed to say "bombs" here.

Why can't you say "bomb"? Please remove all metal objects.

Keys, loose change, cell phones, jewelry.

Okay. Just might take a minute.

I hope you left Nick's little present in the car, or else you're going to jail.

Cell phone.

Car keys.

Excuse me. Sir?

What? What?

Sir, can you step to the red line, please?

I put everything on the tray.

Please raise your arms and separate your legs.


Let's just get out of here before I end up in Guantánamo Bay.

Our dad would've never given him a knife.

Yeah, I'm not your dad. That's for sure.

All right, let's go. Pick it up.

It's actually gonna work out better because trains are more fun.

Do you got any snacks? You mean candy?

No way. I have to pee.

Can't you wait till we get on the train? It's right there.

I don't think I can wait that long. Yes, you can. Come on.

He's prone to bladder infections, you know.

All right, man, go do your business.

Aren't you coming in with me?

Yeah, but I'm not touching nothing.

All aboard!

Come on, come on. I'm coming.

Wait. My shoe's untied.

Come on.

All clear.

Come on, Kevin. Hurry up.


Loop. Other loop.

You know what? Let me do it. Let me do it. Let me do it.

No! Pull from the first loop.

Otherwise it's too tight at the top. Okay, okay.

The boy has problems. He won't eat anything orange, steamed or poached.

And what he does eat, they can't touch.

Okay, there you go. No. Do it again.

That doesn't feel right.

His socks can't have elastic in them.

And he won't use a toothbrush more than five days.

Shut up! Make me.

Who'd wanna make another one...?

Come on.

Hold on, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey. Where's Galaktico's cape?


Final boarding call for Vancouver passengers... departing from track two.

Look, it's damp.

Kevin! Lindsey!

Hey! Hey! Kevin! Lindsey!

Hey. The train's moving.

Out my way.

Hey! Crazy kids. Yo!

Hey! Hey, come on!

What are you doing?

Sorry, lady.

Hey! What's he doing?

I think he wants us to jump onto a moving train.

Hey! Kevin! Lindsey! Hey! Get up here!

Come on!

Hey, what are you doing? Run!

Are you crazy? Jump!

Come on!


Hey, Nick, how's the train ride going? Well, we haven't exactly left yet.

We decided to drive. It should be much more educational.

Oh, no, Nick, I cannot let you do that. That's way too much trouble.

No, no. It'll only take a few more hours... and gives me a chance to get to know Kevin and Lindsey.

Okay. I'm really impressed.

- You're very sweet. Yes, I am.

You sound like you have everything under control. Can I talk to the kids?

Oh, okay.

Look, don't tell them nothing that happened, okay?

- He lost our luggage. What?

Are you guys dating? No.

No. Let me talk.

We wanna go to Dad's.

You cannot go to Dad's now. You're going with Nick.

Why? Dad's house is in the same direction.

Nick could drop us off there on his way not to date you.

Honey, your dad is sick and in bed.

Now, if you want me to...

I can just quit my job, and we'll go live in a cardboard box.


Let him drive. Be nice.

- I love you. Love you too.


Now, look, driving you two gremlins on New Year's Eve... for over 300 miles was never on the agenda. Okay?

We just drove across town, and y'all done messed up my door.

So now I got to lay down some rules.

Rule number...

Rule number one: Don't touch the climate control.

Rule number two: Don't kick the seat.

Rule number three: Don't play with toys.

Can I play with my pizza coupon? No sassing me.

No eating in the car, no drinking in the car and no smoking.

I don't smoke. Good.

Don't start on my watch.

I don't want you to touch the radio.

I don't even want you to sniff the new-car smell.

I want you to sit down on that protective plastic... and be seen, not heard.

You know, if you're thinking about my mom, you're wasting your time.

I'm not wasting my time, because me and your mom, we're just friends.

That's good, because Mom's still into Dad, and he's totally into her.

They're getting back together.

Whoopee! I'm happy for them.

Or maybe you guys should go out.

A couple of dates with you would really make her appreciate Dad.

Let's go.

Have a taste of my steel, zombie.

Yes! That game doesn't sound G-rated.

Yeah, but it's keeping him occupied.

The boy played Lady Pac-Man at the mall and had nightmares for a week.

Give it here, Kevin. Hey, give it!

Give it to me. What did I say? It's not yours!

Give it here now! You're not the boss of me!

Cut it out.

Why don't we call Mom and see what she has to say.


You win.



Big baby. Bigger baby.

Giant baby. Enormous baby.

Humongous baby. Colossal baby.

Am not. Am not. Are too. Are too.

Am not. Am not. Are too.

Okay, okay.

You're both acting like a couple of babies.

Keep it moving. Come on.

That's right. Drink your juice, baby.

Hey, no food in the car. It's not food. It's juice.

Same difference. Give it. Mine.


Man, see?

Oh, y'all think that's funny, don't you?

It's not funny.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

One thing you gotta know here, we keep it real.

You can believe that.

Yuck! Noisy.

What is that? 50 Cent.

Well, I'll pay him a dollar just to shut up.

Do you have any Justin Timberlake or Clay Aiken?

Lord, these kids are ethnically challenged.

Do you know you can get shot... by playing those CDs in my old neighborhood?

We're not ghetto. Or trying to be ghetto fabulous.

We're just fabulous.

About time. Open road.

Vancouver, here we come.


I have to pee.

What? No, no, you do not have to pee.

Didn't you go at the train station?

I tried to go, but there was a man standing next to me... so it just went away.

But look, man, all this open road.

You can hold it. I know you can. Cross your legs.

You should've asked before we left. I did.

No, you asked before we got on the train, not before we left the station.

You're supposed to ask before every segment.

Everyone knows that. Evidently not.

I'm not gonna make it. Do you have a bottle?

No. How about this ashtray?

Kevin, there's no receptacle in this vehicle.

Now, look, the exit is about a mile away, and you can hold it.

How far is a mile?

I don't know, 5000 and some kind of feet.

Look, think of something else. Football, a math test... puberty.

Are we there yet? No.

I'm sure the carpet is absorbent.

Oh, here it comes!

For God's sakes, man, he's gonna make his water in your car!

No, he ain't.

Incoming! Incoming! Incoming!

Hold it, man.

Hold it. Oh, no. Look, right here. Yeah.

Here we go. Here we go.

In here, in here. Hold it, hold it.

This is taken! I'm sorry!

Oh, it's dribbling out. Okay, go, go. Just go.

That's disgusting! Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, lady. Hold up.

Bought us some groceries for later.

Your mama said you liked fruit.

Garlic olives? Hey, it's a truck stop.

That's all they had.

You see this?

Because of you guys, I gotta do this right here.

You squeezed it, not me.

It's not coming out.

Hit that green button for me, please.

Yo, yo, yo. Hey. Hey, it's Marty. What's up, man?

How's it going with those stupid brats you got with you?

Remember this: If the kids hate you, the mama won't date you.

Man! Where'd you go?

What, are you in a tunnel?

Are you...? Hello?

Okay. All right.

Seat belts.

Nobody gotta go to the bathroom, right?

Okay, here we go.

Nick, we already know about you and Mom.

You do? Of course.

She talks about you all the time. Yeah, Mom's into you.

She says you're better looking than Taye Diggs.

Oh, yeah?

I am, huh? Oh, sure.

In fact, she told me...

My gosh. Get his inhaler. He's having an asthma attack.

What? Where is it? It's in the back. Hurry up!

Go! Go! All right, I'm going.

I got it. I got it. Move it!

Good one, Lindsey.

Very funny.

Open up. I knew you were lying.

"We're just friends." You're just using us to suck up to our mama.

What? Yeah.

You're just a dirty, horny sex man like all the others. Nasty man.

You're a nasty, bad man. Look...

I tried to do your mama a favor, you booger.

You probably wanna kiss her, don't you?

Look, look. Off the glass. Off the glass.

And you, open this door.

You forgot the magic word.

Open this damn door. You just swore again.

Lindsey, he just swore again. So what?

Hey, I'm not playing with you. You can't make us do anything.

Hey, this is my car!

You hear me, little girl? This is my car!

You better not. Look at me. I'm serious.

I'm not playing with you, little girl, okay?

If you don't open up before I count to three... somebody gonna get it.




No! No! Hey, you stop that car!

Where did he go?

Now you gonna get it! Go! Floor it!

Get out of there! Whoa! Hey!

Stop! Wait a minute!

I don't have any insurance on you, girl!


Watch what you're doing! Watch the spinners!

You're messing up my spinners!

You know how much they cost? You can't catch us.


You little... Give me them keys!

Dirty sex man. What y'all think you're doing?

Let go of my hat! Give me them keys!

Hey, Lindsey, stop this crazy thing!

That man's setting a bad example for them kids.

Wait a minute! Go! Go!

Now that's frontier justice.

Hey, turn up the rear heat. Yeah.

No. No heat.

No talking. You're lucky I'm letting you live.

But... But my butt.

I should pull off on the side of the road... dig a hole, and bury both you two.

That's what I should do. Yeah.

A hundred years from now, a grizzly will find your bones... and pick his teeth with them. Wouldn't like that.

Can't believe you two. Are you crazy?

We have rights. No, no, you have no rights.

This is my ship, buddy. I'm the CEO of this SUV.

Believe that.

Breaker, breaker, 26, this is Big Al out on Highway 5, mile marker 16.

I got two little lambs here been snatched up by the big, bad wolf.

I need some backup, pronto.

Ten-four, Big Al. Let's squash this bug.

You had no consideration for my life, your life or my spinners.

What? What do you want?

I'm driving here!

Mister In-a-Hurry. Idiot.

Why is he slowing down?

I don't like this.

Pull over right now. Pull it over. Pull it over.

You better do what he says. Like hell I will.

I've seen those vigilante trucker movies.

I said, pull over!

What you doing?

Oh, no!

My paint!

You think you got me boxed in?

Well, you can kiss my 330 cubic inches of V8 power, sucker!

Hold on.


Your insurance premiums are going through the roof.

No! No! No!

What was Mom thinking?

I don't know. I like him. He's kind of funny.

Hey, don't get soft.

This man is not our daddy. He's the enemy.

Take me now! Take me now!

This is why we don't come to the city.

Look. Look, man, all I need... is four rims and four tires, and I'm gone, I'm out of here.

Can you help me?

No, I cannot do it. I told you already, the SUV is too big. You no listen.

So look, use smaller ones. Smaller?

Okay. I put on a smaller tire for you.

Good. Now, you come back Tuesday.

What? Today is New Year's Eve.

Time for me to go home. Thank you. Bye-bye.

See, there's Dad's right there. It's about 30 miles away.

I'm not walking 30 miles.

Who said anything about walking?

But I have to go home. It's New Year's Eve. Dick Clark.

Let me just pay you extra. No, no, no and no.

I can make it worth your while.

See what I got? Yao Ming. Rookie card.

Oh, I see. So you think that just because I am Chinese... you can get me to do anything.


My Navigator.



Lindsey! Stop playing, because I'm not in the mood!

Hey! Hey!

Dad's, here we come.

Damn! Hey! Hey!

Hey! What are you doing?

Jump! Jump!

You think he can catch us?


Maybe 10 years ago. Hey!

Don't be scared. Just jump.


What's wrong with you kids?

Come on.

Come on. Get! Go!

Come on, fleabag.

No way!

What? Now, get your narrow butts on this horse now!

Hey, how you doing, baby? Hi. Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, everything is cool.

Can I call you right back?

Wait, what's that sound? You sound very jiggly.

Must be your phone. Everything's cool on this end.

Are you gonna be here soon? Sort of. Kind of.

Let me call you back in 10 minutes.

Wait, wait, I wanna say hi to the kids.

Oh, okay.

She wanna talk to you guys and make sure everything is all right.

Hi, Mom. Hey.

Hi, babies. How are you doing?

- Are you having fun with Nick? Come on.

Hit the turbo!

Let's go! Let's go!

I know, baby, but just try to make the best of it, okay?

- I love you. Love you too. Bye.

Scoot over, I'm coming aboard. That's a bad idea.

Says who? Says the guy... who put all that junk there.

Oh, snap!

I hate horses.

What take so long? I have to hang mirror ball.

You little snotty-nosed runts.

I know exactly where you are.

You messing with Nick the Quick, baby.

Now's your chance. Hit yourself over the head with a brick... and say that they were kidnapped.

Shut up.

Happy New Year.

You think Nick's okay?

What are you worried about him for?

I'm not. It's just... maybe we were a little rough.

Oh, please.

That player got what he deserved.

"Get your butts on this horse."

"You got $400?"

I've been thinking. We should've brought soup or something.

What for?

Because Dad's sick. What is he gonna eat?

He's a dad. I'm sure he has soup.

He must be lonely, living all by himself.

Look, don't bug him about that.

If we want him to hook up with Mom, we have to be subtle. Got it?

I got it.

Come on, y'all. Let's get out of here.

Want some chocolate cake? It's world-famous.

Mom says I shouldn't have sugar.

What about you? It’ll make your mouth all chocolatey.

No, thanks.

Hey. You forgot something.

Sorry about what happened today.

I really wish you guys didn't have to see that.

He used to look at me like that.

I know, man.

And when he hugged you, you thought he'd never let you go.

They make you laugh, they tell you they love you... then one day, they never come back.

I bet you know all about leaving, don't you, player?

Know what? As a matter of fact, I do.

But only because the same thing happened to me when I was your age.

Yeah, my pops walked out on us too.

It's a shame that anybody can call theyself a father.

But listen... he's the failure in this, not you.

He's the one that's gonna miss out.

I just hope it don't take you guys as long as it took me to figure that out... because it's true. You guys are some cool kids.

There you go. Come on, let's get out of here.

Nick? What's up, little man?

If my dad left and your dad left... does that mean I'll end up like you?

I ain't doing too bad. Look, I have blingage.

That's not exactly what I meant.

I was watching Oprah, and it was all about how depressed and lonely... bachelors like you are. But I'm not depressed or lonely.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

Mom says that if a man is not married by the time he's 35... he's either damaged or gay. What?

Well, that would explain those earrings.

Watch it, sucker.

But you do have intimacy issues, don't you?

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

Look, it's obvious you need a timeout... and you need a little tickle time.

Because all you do is ask a thousand questions, huh?

Hey. Are you all right?


I'm good.

You sure? Yeah, except...

I'm out. Okay, don't worry about that.

We'll get you more once we get there.

Oh, sure, we can wait... if you want me to die!

They're closing! Do something, Nick.

No, no, wait. Hold on! Wait a minute. We need a refill.

Sorry, we're closed. Come back Tuesday.

But I got a sick kid here.

Look, I couldn't help you even if I wanted to.

The pharmacist has left for the holiday.

Well, where is he? He's off duty.

And I doubt very much he's gonna want some guy interrupting his holi...

Just a second, sir, and I'll draw you up a map.

Hey, Nick, that guy was such a meanie.

How'd you get him to do what you wanted?

Oh, that was simple. I just gave him the look.

It works every time.

It even worked through glass? Oh, yeah.

The look is something I developed when I was a kid.

I had somewhat of a reputation.

Surprise, surprise.

I don't want everybody stepping to me, so I give them the look... which told them, "Back off.

That's a bad mother..." "Shut your mouth."

I wish I could do that.

You got somebody bothering you at school?

An asthmatic in the accelerated program? What do you think?

Try this. It's foolproof.

No, no, check the lip, check the lip.

Man, do not take my lunch money.

Here we go, killer. Come on.

Hey, hey, where y'all going?

Excuse me, I'm looking for the pharmacist.

Delwyn? Sure.


He's right over there. That's enough.

I got it. Give me that.

Stop clowning around now.

Yo. Give me my shoe.

Yo. Excuse me, are you the pharmacist?

Not at the moment. Why?

Well, look, I got a kid with me, man. He's got asthma real bad.

Try some steam. That usually helps.

Hey, hey. Knock it off.

Steam? That's enough of that.

Look, look, all I need is a refill, okay? And I know you can help.

I'm asking you nice.

Mister, I've been married for 38 years. You can't scare me.

Come on, man, you the pharmacist. I know you took a oath or something.

Not that I can remember, no.

Hey, will you go over there and behave yourself?

Yeah, go get him over there.

You know, folks around here like to barter.

You get what you want, I get what I want.

One hand washes the other. I scratch your back...

Get to the point.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't clown me.

Watch the kids.

All of them?

You little...

Oh, my word.

Pie and cake and brownies and pie.

You said "pie" twice.

I like pie.

Kevin, you know Mom would be upset... if we were even thinking about trying any of these... chocolatey... creamy... delicious...

Hey, I was gonna eat those brownies.

What? Just take those.

No, I want yours.

Take it easy, man.



What? I got this.

All right, timeout. Get off of him.

Get off of him. Get out of here.

Get off of him, you little gangsters. Watch out.

You too! Off of him!

What is wrong with you kids?

Why y'all ganging up on him?

You think you so tough?

I'd like to see you try that with somebody my size.

Okay! Okay, man!

All right, get off me, you little maggots!

Do you think we should help him? I'm getting mad now. Hey!

After this bite. Hey, that's it.

Now, I'm gonna count to three.

Hey, wait a minute!

Okay! Get off!

My shoe! Come back here with my shoe.

All right, people, it's time for some karaoke.

What is she doing?

She can sing?

She can sing.

Kevin, enough. Kevin, please.

I didn't know you could sing that good. Why you didn't say nothing?

Because before, you were the enemy.

You know who can sing? Galaktico can sing.


Okay. All right, okay, okay.

Put that down, settle down and put on your seat belt.

I know why your mama won't let you have sugar.

Hyper down. You're like some kind of crazy dog.

I know you are, but what am I, Rover?

Nick, I don't feel so good.

Do you got anything to drink?

There you go.

I'm sorry, Nick, I accidentally spilled a drop on the floor.

Little man, don't even worry about it.

There's nothing more that you can do to this car.

Oh, no!

I can't see. I can't see!

Is everybody all right?

I feel much better now.

Nick, where are my kids? You were supposed to be here two hours ago.

We had a slight delay at the border.

We're gonna need more paper towels.

Paper towels? What's going on?

Nothing. We just pulled over to clean out the Navigator.

Are you kidding me?

It's freezing outside, and you've got my kids cleaning your precious car?

Suzanne, it's not like it seems, okay?

Well, it sounds pretty bad from here.

Nick, if you're not here by 8:00, you're gonna be in big trouble.

- Suzanne, I got this. Eight o'clock, Nick.

All right, guys, we gotta hustle. Your mom's getting worried.

But it stinks in here. Hold your breath.


If we don't move... maybe it won't kill us.

Oh, man, you're scared of that deer?

He ain't gonna hurt you.

They come out of the woods when they get cold. He's probably hungry.

Try this.

Hey. Look what I got. Nick, deers are herbivores.

So what? Everybody loves chocolate chip.

Hey, buddy, come on.


Okay, okay, hey, hey, come on.

No. What? He's not gonna hurt you.

Look, I'm right here with you. Come on, come on. Come on.

Slow. Come on.

Slowly. Don't scare it. Get in there.

What if he's rabid? Come on, come on. There we go.

There you go. There you go.

See, he's gentle. He's not gonna hurt you.

Give him another. No way.

Now, look. Where's my camera?

Hey, hey. Hey.

Down, boy. Sit.

Hey, Bambi. Sit!

Come on, now.


Give him the look, Nick! Give him the look!

All right, you want a piece of me?

Say uncle. Are you done?

Your head gotta go over my fireplace?

Show him who's boss, Nick. Now, just let it go.

Let it go.

Now, get your tail out of here before I kick some deer butt.

You better run.

I hope you got some nice shots. Yep.

Now help me find my keys.

Come on out of there.

If your mama ever asks... don't let her know I know how to hot-wire a car.

But you don't know how to do it.

Quiet down out there.

Have patience.

Turn it off, Nick! All right, calm down.

Hurry up. It's loud. And scary.

This should do it.

Nick, the car's on fire. It's burning. Oh, no.

It's gonna burn. Nick, hurry.

Be careful. Come on, Nick, do it.

Put it out! Put it out!

It's gonna burn, Nick! Hurry!

This could be toxic.


Galaktico! Kevin, step back. I got it.

Hey, Nick, don't forget me. I'm over here.

I'm on the dashboard, remember?

Hey! Don't let me burn!

I'm a limited edition!

Oh, man. I never even got to read the manual.

Hit the dirt!


Oh, no.

This is about a year's pay.

What did I do?

What did I do? Why is this happening to me?

It was you two.

If I didn't volunteer to babysit you two little demons... this wouldn't have never happened, and I'd still have my car.

Go ahead and cry. I don't care.

Okay, all right, stop the waterworks.

Oh, all right. Oh, come on, come on.

Stop crying. Stop crying.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

No, no. I just got a little upset, okay?

That's why you buy insurance.

All right, let's sit down. Sit down. Come on, now.

Right here, right here. It's only a car, okay?

We are a lot of trouble.

That's why our daddy doesn't wanna be with us.

Whoa, whoa.

Look at me.

Don't say that. That's not true.

But we destroyed your Navigator.

That? Oh, that's nothing.

That's just a material object.

It means nothing.

I wouldn't wanna spend New Year's with us either.

Who would?


I would.

But you know what?

Maybe your mother's right, you know.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

I mean, look at you two. You're a mess.

I keep losing you, feeding you the wrong stuff.

If you were goldfish, you'd be dead.

You know, you're doing okay. This is just your first day.

Yeah, you have to get experience. You'll get used to it.

Yeah, and there's books you can read too.


But you know what?

If we're not magically in front of your mother... in the next 30 minutes or so... she'll never talk to me again.

Hey, if it's the bottom of the ninth, and you're down two runs, do you quit?

No. You put that ball back on the tee, and you keep swinging.

Well, let's keep swinging.

Come on. Let's go.

Now we gotta figure out how we gonna get to Vancouver.

Hey, look.

I found your keys, Nick.


It's just my luck.

Let's get out of here.

Come on. Right here, baby. Come on, now.

Yo, yo, yo, hey!

You got one.

Oh, man, thanks.

We're on our way to Vancouver, and I really, really appreciate this.

I couldn't leave these kids here on the highway.

That's why I'm leaving you, you animal!

Wait a minute! Come back here, you hillbilly!

Come here!

No. Let me in. Let...

Hey, yo, bring me back my kids!


Mister, are you crazy?

Some psycho trucker took my kids. We gotta catch him.

Well, hop aboard. I'll help you. Ernst to the rescue.

Suzanne, they'll be here any minute. I'm sure they're fine.

Now, let's concentrate on the party.

We were completely wrong about Nick.

Yeah, but now we know he's kind and gentle.

Come on, come on, come on. Come on, slim, get me closer.

Come on, Nick. I got it.

Get off. Open up, you jerk.

Nick, save us! Help!

Stop this truck! Get off!

You lunatic! Stop this truck!

Kind and gentle, huh?

Go, man. I'm moving.

This thing wasn't built for speed.

Come on, you're driving like a old lady.

No, no, you watch. Ernst knows how to drive.

That's what I'm talking about.

Let us out now. We wanna go with Nick.

Let us out.

Come on, slim, don't let him push you around. Do it. Do it.

Dag-bernit, I've had enough of this.

Come on, slim, they getting away. It won't turn over.

I can't do anything about it.

I'm sorry.

Boy, it's true. Never a cop around when you need one.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

Bad! Hit you!

Geronimo! Geronimo!

Look, it's Elite Catering. This is Mom's party.

Let's go.

Come on. I want some cotton candy.

Got you. Run! Save yourself!

Wait. Wait.

At least slow down.

You two are a peck of trouble, you know that?

Wait. I'm trying to protect you.

You're going down, sucker.

Get off me.

Come on. Come on.

I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich.

Let me at him. Get your hands off me. What's wrong with you two?

He's a kidnapper! He's a kidnapper!

He's a kidnapper! He's a kidnapper!

Let me at him. Yeah. Nick, get him!



Lindsey, honey.

Oh, baby, Mommy was so worried about you. Are you okay?

Yep. Eight o'clock, just like you said.

Now, where is your brother and that Nick?

I left them by the ice-skating rink.

Now, I need to know what's going on here, and I want the truth.

The truth? I don't think there's time for the truth.

Get him!

I'm the good guy. Get him.

Get your hands off me, you stinking snowman.

Wait a minute. You don't understand.

I got permission from his mother to bring him here. Kevin, tell him.


Let me go. He needs his inhaler.

Kevin. Kevin.

Oh, no. Come on, man.

Come on, Kevin.

Come on, man. Breathe.

Breathe, breathe.

Come on. Come on, breathe.



Don't you ever scare me like that again. You hear me?

Don't you ever do that.

Maybe it won't be so bad to turn out like you after all.


Mommy. Oh, Kevin, honey, come here.

I don't know what Mommy was thinking. I should've come home.

Are you okay? It's okay, Mom. I'm fine.

Yeah, it's okay. He's fine.

You call this fine?

Look at this. This is a catastrophe.

No, Suzanne, you don't understand.

I mean, we... Me and the kids... Nick, please.

It's bad enough as it is.

I really wanted to believe in you.

Ma'am, did this man have permission to watch your children?


But it was a mistake, and it won't happen again.

Come on, you guys.

Suzanne, no. But, Mom...

I don't wanna hear it. I'm not in the mood to argue. Let's go.

Mommy. Let's go.




I'm sorry for all the trouble.

If you're serious about heading home, I'd be proud to give you a lift.

Appreciate that, Big Al.

I got my truck right...

Hey, what are you doing, you turkey? You can't tow my truck!

Put it down. I'm here. Put it down right now.

Officers, arrest this man!

Yo, Nick.

Excuse me.

Hey, Nick, remember me?

I'm in here with a mint stuck to my head.

Hey, brother.

What are you moping about? You should be celebrating.

You finally got rid of that highfalutin woman... with that smart-mouth little girl and that sickly boy.

Yes, sir. It's New Year's Eve, and you are free at last.

Time to hit some clubs.

And they got some foxy ladies here.

Did you know Vancouver produces more Playmates... than any other city in the world?

Let's go, player.

Thanks, Dad, that was a lot of fun.

Hey, Nick.

You know what they call a 50-year-old bachelor?



Who is it?

Room service.

We didn't order anything, and that won't change.

Let me explain, okay?

I know you're upset, and you have a right to be... but there's a good reason why all... Nick, they're kids.

They don't need reasons and excuses. They need a man.

So whatever it is that you have to say, just drop it.

I've been down this road before, and I'm not going back.

Good night. Wait, wait.

Just let me say goodbye to the kids.

I don't think that's a good idea.


Make it quick.

Nick! Nick!

Hey, how you guys doing? You all right?

I knew you'd come back. Lindsey didn't think so, but I did.

Boy, you know I'm gonna be your friend always, right?

But Mama's not gonna date you anymore.

Listen, you guys.

Up here.

Your mother is a very, very wonderful lady.

And she's gonna be dating guys that are much better than me.

So you guys gotta stop chasing them off, okay?

And stay away from their cars.

Unless they're bulletproof.

How do I know we'll ever see you again?

I got something for you.

I want you to hold on to my man Satch, okay?

That's until I see you again.

All right...

I gotta get going.

Do you have to?

Yeah, little man, I think so.

Look, I got one more thing for you.

There you go.

And for you.

Now you have blingage.

I love you guys.

See you later, okay?

All right.

Suzanne, I'm sorry about what happened today.

I really am.

I just wanna know if we can still be friends.

Nick, I don't think that's gonna happen.



We can't be friends... because I wanna be so much more than just your friend.


Come here.

Yes. Yes.


It's New Year's. Aren't you supposed to kiss her?

I love a happy ending.