Armed and Dangerous (1986) Script

Hi. What seems to be the trouble?

I lost my kitty. He's up there.

In the tree, huh?

Oh, yeah, there he is.

Boy, he's up there high.

I wouldn't worry about him. He'll be fine.

He'll probably come down in a couple days.

Cats like to climb trees. They're good at it.

He'll get hungry, and he'll come down and see you.

Don't cry.

What's the cat's name? Fluffy.

Fluffy, huh?

Okay.

Fluffy.

Come here, Fluffy.

I'll be right down.

Okay. All right.

Yeah.

Come on, Fluffy.

Fluffy.

Hello, Fluffy.

Come on. Come on, Fluffy.

Here you go.

Come on, Fluffy.

Atta-Fluffy.

Yeah, Fluffy.

Hey, I got him.

Oh, my God.

Don't move. Would you quit moving?

Come on, don't do that.

Don't do that.

You wanna hurry up?

Come on, this cat's nervous.


That's far enough.

Get up. Get up.

Get against the car! Easy!

Don't move. I'm a cop.

Mel, what are you doing? Jesus, Frank.

You almost killed me. Would you take it easy?

Well, I'm very sorry. You wanna explain what you're doing here?

Hello, Rizzo.

What are you doing?

I'll give you one guess.

Stealing television sets?

Hey, he's not as dumb as he looks, huh?

Bite the bag, Rizzo. Your ass is grass.

Frank, take the TV set.

Let's get the hell out of here.

I already own a TV set.

Frank.

Think about it, Frank.

You take the goddamn TV set and keep your big mouth shut.

Internal Affairs. Don't move.

Freeze. It's okay.

It's okay, boys. We got him covered.

Hey, this ain't mine. Sorry, Frank.

It is now.

This court looks upon corruption with great disdain.

You should be ashamed of yourself...

...for betraying the trust and responsibility...

...that was placed upon you.

Do you have anything to say for yourself, officer?

I'm sorry. Mr. Dooley.

I didn't do it, Your Honor.

Your Honor, given the fact that Officer Dooley...

...has been fined and dismissed by the police department...

...the state feels it is appropriate to move for dismissal.

All right, but I don't like it.

Motion granted. Dismissed.

Next case. Call prisoner Lawrence Lupik.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Made my day, really. Thank you.

Is the defense counsel present? Here, Your Honor.

In case number 867810, the defendant is charged...

...with three counts of breaking and entering...

...five counts of armed robbery...

...three counts of kidnapping...

Right on. Order in the court...

...or I'll have you all removed.

One count of extortion...

...two counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon...

...and five counts of assault with the intent to kill.

Mr. Lupik, how do you plead?

Your Honor, I...

If I go to jail, I'll kill you.

It's good.

Your Honor, may I approach the bench?

Well, if you must.

Your Honor, I'm prepared to plead Mr. Lupik guilty...

...on the armed robbery charge, if the people will reduce the assaults...

...to resisting arrest and agree to suspend sentence.

What about kidnapping and extortion?

He didn't mean it, Your Honor.

You call that plea-bargaining?

Where the hell did you go to law school?

I just feel that a long prison sentence is not warranted in this case.

The police found rugs in his apartment made out of human hair.

Well, bad taste is not a crime, Your Honor...

...last time I checked the statutes.

Your Honor, I feel this whole thing falls under a sociopsychological...

...you know, kind of umbrella.

I sincerely feel that the facts are completely irrelevant in this case.

Let me put it this way. He says if he goes to jail, he's gonna kill me.

I don't usually believe every psychopath I defend...

...but I believe this guy.

Mr. Kane, you are without a doubt one of the worst lawyers I've ever seen.

Then I move for a mistrial.

Shut up. Yes, sir.

Furthermore, it's obvious to me...

...that you're having some sort of a breakdown.

So this is what I suggest:

You plead your client guilty on all counts...

...and I'll give him a sentence so long...

...he won't even remember his own name, let alone yours.

Then you promise to find a new line of work for yourself...

...with a lot less responsibility, okay?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

The world is a shithole...

...full of shitty little scumbags who are scared shitless.

With dedication... You think he's a little anal?

I think he's right.

Now, this badge will lift you out of that scum...

...into a $12-billion-a-year industry.

My name is Captain O'Connell...

...and I welcome you to the world of private security.

Any questions?

Yeah?

You mean we're gonna actually earn $12 billion a year?

No, you're gonna earn $4.60 an hour.

Which is starting pay for everyone...

...regardless of age, sex, race, color or intelligence.

You work 10 hours, you make $46. Now let me get this straight.

If you wanted to work, say, 3 billion hours...

...I could roughly pull in over $12 billion...

...if I was eager enough and put the time in?

Any more questions? Yes.

Where it says "name"...?

Look. Here on the application.

Do I put my name?

Yeah. Oh, thank you, sir.

Where it says "police record," does that mean felonies...

...or misdemeanors? Both.

Can I write on the back? I don't think I'm gonna have room.

We got lots of extra paper if you need it.

You all had a chance to read the booklet "Careers in Private Security."

You look like a guy who defended me on an assault charge.

Oh, really? Did you get off?

I got three years. There are two functions...

No, wasn't me. ...for a security guard.

Excuse me, I'm gonna stand up and stretch the old legs.

But no matter what you do...

...your primary responsibility is always the same:

To observe and report.

But should you witness a crime or violation...

Interesting group of people.

Yeah, to Freud, maybe. However...

...you can detain somebody... Norman Kane.

...and use force if necessary... Frank Dooley.

...until the police arrive. Any questions?

Yeah? Yeah.

Let's say somebody lying, right?

And you know they lying.

Can you shoot them? Well, it depends.

Use your own judgment. Thank you.

I appreciate that. Other questions?

Yes, I have a question concerning our powers of arrest.

The statutes governing citizen's arrest really aren't very clear.

Will we be indemnified by the company against lawsuits...

...or prosecution resulting from wrongful arrest complaints?

What are you, a lawyer?

No. No.

No. No, what I mean to say is...

...if I detain a shoplifter, and he turns out to be innocent...

...and he sues me for a million dollars...

...what happens? What happens?

You spend the rest of your life paying for it.

And you die miserable and broke.

So don't screw up.

Thank you. Now...

...the fee for the course is $51.50. Don't worry.

I'm an ex-cop. You stick with me, I'll keep you out of trouble.

Which you can pay now, or we can deduct it from your first paycheck.

In addition, as licensed security guards...

...you'll be required to join a union.

The International Alliance of Special Police and Guards.

These are your union representatives.

Mr. Klepper...

...and Mr. Lazarus.

Thank you, Clarence.

The initiation fee is $30, payable now.

Now, if you can't pay, don't worry.

We'll deduct it from your first paycheck.

Thereafter, the weekly dues will be $15...

...and will be deducted automatically.

The forms are in front of you on the desk.

Sign them and pass them forward.

Any questions?

Yes, I have a question. Minor point.

What if we don't wanna join?

This is a union shop.

You wanna work, you join.

Well, I don't wanna speak out of school, but $15 a week...

...to me, seems excessive.

Now, where does this money go?

Well, that money goes to your pension and welfare fund.

And when are the benefits paid?

When you're 65.

Sixty-five? Hey.

What's with all the questions?

This is your union.

It's for your own protection.

So shut up and sign the fucking form.

Do you have a pen?

As you can see, it's really quite simple.

Just remember, when you pull the trigger...

...the bullets come out going very, very fast.

So make sure to keep the weapon pointed away from you.

Now, that's about it.

You are now armed guards.

God help us all.

So return to your positions...

...and load your guns, but do not...

...I repeat, do not commence firing...

...until I have left the target area.

Thank you.

You won't lie to me no more.

Take that, you scumbag.

Nice shooting, soldier.

I can't tell you how much I hate this.

What's your problem?

What's my problem?

This is a dangerous weapon here.

It can hurt somebody. I can't shoot it.

I... I don't have it in me.

See that turd in the red plaid shirt who's gonna blow your head off?

Watch.

Do you wanna be partners?

Raise your right hand, repeat after me.

I... I...

...state your name... ...state your name...

...do solemnly swear to uphold the laws...

...of the state of California...

...and government of the United States...

...in the exercise of my duties as a special officer...

...in the exercise of my duties as a special officer...

...under the provisions of the Private Guard Act...

...safety and security of the persons or property placed in my charge.

...placed in my charge.

Okay, that's it. Here are your diplomas.

Fill them out if your name's not on it.

You're now fully licensed security guards. Congratulations.

Report to Sergeant Cavanaugh for your assignments.

That's it? Yeah.

Class of Thursday, 3:30 p.m.

Congratulations.

Kane. Yes, right here.

Carlex Pharmaceuticals. Night shift, starting tomorrow.

That's it? Just like that, huh?

Mr. Kane, there are only two things that you have to remember:

Never fall asleep where anyone can see you...

...and make sure your name is very clearly marked on your lunch.

Well, I can handle that. I'm gonna put you with Dooley here.

Hey, Dooley? Yeah?

You're working with Kane. Oh, good.

I'll keep an eye on him for you. No.

I was hoping that he could keep an eye on you.

Kokolovitch.

She likes me. Can you drive?

Yeah. Pick me up tomorrow.

Hardtronics.

Make a left.

Guards Norman Kane and Frank Dooley reporting...

I love to watch a professional at work, don't you?

I think this job's gonna be really good, Frank.

It's just what I need right now. Wanna slow down?

What? Trying to suck up first day on the job?

No, it's just... In such a big hurry to do nothing?

Look at those monsters. Jimmy, get the dog off my head!

I can't! Get in there!

You wanna pet them?

Come on, we'll go pet them.

Norman Kane, Frank Dooley, night shift.

Here are your building layouts...

...and your time clock locations.

Take lunch at 11:30.

And stay out the annex. Pay attention, fat boy.

It's canine control. You got it?

Yeah, I... I think so.

Don't be a smart-ass, Dooley.

Now go and relieve the day shift.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, come on, let's go be security guards.

What did you call him? A muscle-bound jerk?

What? He's not.

He's a nitwit, but he's no muscle-bound jerk.

Enough.

Maybe he thought I was crazy to keep trying. in your judgment, was your ship on the verge of foundering...

...when the executive officer assumed command?

Dooley. Yeah?

I told y'all to take lunch at 11:30.

So? So? It's 11:45.

It's against the rules to be in a working area during breaks or meals.

Hey, man, read my lips.

Report to the cafeteria.

Can I just catch the end of this movie?

Now!

Oh, what a bullshit rule.

Come on, let's go grab some lunch.

I left my lunch in the car. Meet you in the caf, all right?

Right. Save me a seat.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, how about a lift?

Hey, you jerk.

Hi, fellas. How's it going?

Ski masks? Guys, I got news for you.

It's not that cold tonight.

Don't you have someplace you're supposed to be?

No, not right now. I'm on lunch break. Half an hour.

Saw you guys working, thought I'd say hello.

Do you fellas have an invoice for this shipment?

You're kidding, right?

A bill of lading, perhaps?

Look, Kane.

We got special permission to take this stuff.

Well! So you say.

But I gotta check it out back at the office.

You couldn't be that stupid.

Oh, I don't know.

I think I could be.

Yes? Absolutely.

Wait a minute.

I'm warning you.

You guys are asking for big trouble.

Frank, come in. I'm being chased.

Two men in ski masks.

Help. Help.

Frank.

Frank, I'm in the loading dock area. Come in.

You made me run. I hate running.

I'm gonna level with you. Take whatever you want.

I don't care. I'm not a company man.

Oh, you don't need those.

You don't need those. You shoot me, you're gonna have guilt.

You're dead meat, pal. Oh, God.

Yeah.

Freeze.

Holy shit.

Guard Dog Security. Respond, please.

Hello.


Hi.

You two are doing...

...a great job.

I'm gonna kill those guys.

Anthony, let's go. Get in the truck, we're leaving.


Oh, you wanna play rough, do you?

All right, let's play rough. Come on.

Let that be a lesson to you, you mutts.

I don't suppose you can identify any of them?

Well, yeah, sure, I think it was the U.S. Olympic downhill team.

I told you, they were wearing ski masks.

How about you? Can you describe any of them?

Sort of, except...

...for their heads.

There were two guys.

The big guy was...

...big. And the smaller guy was...

Smaller?

You're a regular Dick Tracy.

Well, I'm sorry, sir, I was scared. When people are chasing you with guns...

...you don't stop and ask how much they weigh.

Now, listen up and listen good.

Last night was a major disaster.

If you ever screw up like that again, you're out. Do you hear me?

Out! And just so you don't forget...

...I'm fining each of you 100 bucks.

Now get out of here.

Get out of here! Why, you...

Dooley, Kane.

What'd he say? Are you in trouble?

No, no, he let us off with a fine and some very bad breath.

We bust our asses for 4.60 an hour, and he treats us like criminals!

I'm gonna complain to the union, that's what I'll do, because it's not fair.

That man is a jerk! And he's a subhuman, moronic...

...poop-head. He's my father.

Well, I'm sure he has his good points.

Sure he does. He's salt of the earth. Qualities of a saint at times.

See you around. Okay.

Thank you very much. Now she hates me. Thank you.

You called him a poop-head. I don't wanna discuss it.

Is that what you say when you get angry?

That the best you could come up with? "Poop-head"?

Gentlemen.

This is a mistake. Why?

This is our union. We have a legitimate grievance.

Forget legitimate, all right? Take a look up there.

Brothers, with your kind permission.

I bet 50 bucks any of those guys...

...could tell you where Jimmy Hoffa's body's buried.

All right, gentlemen, can we begin?

We'll dispense with the minutes from the last meeting.

We'll open the floor to new business. Let's hear it, new business.

Yes, Mr. Chairman, my name is Norman Kane.

I'd like to file a grievance against Guard Dog Security.

What's your grievance? Don't do this.

My partner and I were fined $100 each for something that was not our fault.

They were on the warehouse job last night and screwed up.

This is about the Carlex Pharmaceutical robbery, right?

Yes, it is.

Why don't you just pay the fine and sit down.

Any other new business? I'd like to file an appeal.

You can't file an appeal.

The board decision is final.

Excuse me, but I didn't see the board vote.

They don't have to vote.

Could you respond to this?

There are approximately 5000 guards in this union...

...each paying $15 a week in dues...

...which amounts to roughly $4 million a year.

Now, I would like to know, what happens to that money?

That's a fiscal question, and if we got a fiscal question...

...then I gotta call our treasurer, Lou Brackman. Lou, tell him.

Just a minute.

Under the leadership of our president, Michael Carlino...

...we have gone a long ways toward answering the needs of its members.

And I don't think it's proper to take cheap shots at us...

...without knowing all the facts.

Point of parliamentary procedure, Mr. Chairman.

You listen to me, you facc'e merda.

You show your face at another union meeting, and so help me God...

...I'm gonna break your legs. This meeting is adjourned.

What are you telling me, Frank?

That they put us here because I spoke up at the union meeting?

If I were you, I wouldn't open unusual pieces of mail...

...in the next few weeks. You're paranoid.

The truth is, this is just an unpleasant job.

Not that I'm complaining.

But I'll tell you what I find particularly difficult to believe.

We're actually guarding garbage.

Just keep your eyes open for that international ring of garbage thieves.

Hey, isn't this great? Oh, yeah.

Amazing what some people throw away.

This place is a gold mine, I'm telling you.

Really? Oh, yeah, look at this here.

I found this. Practically brand new, hardly been used.

You guys find anything? Yeah.

I found a toothbrush, almost brand new.

What color? Red.

Perfect. Perfect match. Where? About three mounds over that way.

Over there? Yeah.

Okay, great. You guys need anything?

No. No.

Okay. Keep an eye out for a shoe like this, okay?

Okay, take it easy. See you.

See you later.

Yesterday, garbage, today, this. Quit complaining.

Let's just go to work. Yeah, no, just forget it, okay?

I'll tell you, I've had it. I can't take it anymore. I'm quitting.

Don't be such a wussy. Toughen up, will you?

A little toxic waste isn't gonna kill you.

I'd like to father a child one day.

I'd like that child to look human, you know.

Oh, mutations can't be that bad.

Maybe he'll have a third arm. Put him in a sideshow...

Glad you're taking this seriously. ...make a little extra... All right.

Hi, guys, how's it going?

Lost two more teeth today.

Jeez, you guys look terrible.

How long you been working here? Every day for the last three weeks.

Why don't you put in for another assignment?

We did. They keep sending us back here.

Why? I don't know.

I mean, we used to be on warehouse duty.

That was great, wasn't it? Warehouse duty?

Then one night, the place got robbed...

...and O'Connell, he got all mad at us for no reason.

We... We weren't even there.

And Bruno, he told us to take a break...

...and the place got robbed while we were gone.

Bruno, the...? Big Bruno?

It's not fair.

We're quitting. Oh, yeah.

Don't eat or drink anything here, guys. No, no.

Take lots of... Yeah.

...showers. Thanks for the tip.

You guys take care of yourselves.

I'll tell you something.

I'm not gonna end up looking like that.

Don't worry, you won't...

...because we're gonna find out what's going on around here, partner.

I think what we're doing is wrong.

I don't want anything to do with it.

I mean, in principle I agree, you understand?

But just leave me out of it.

There he is.

Have a good workout, Bruno.

May I see your membership cards, please?

Show her our cards. Right.

Don't have any cards.

The reason we don't have cards is we're thinking of joining...

...and we'd like to look around the place.

I'll see if I can find someone to take you on the tour.

How very kind. Thank you.

Let's go.

Hey, come back here.

Come on, let's go. Let's go! Move it.


There you are.

Come on.

Are you strong.

How's it going, Bruno. What do you want, Dooley?

Oh, I just wanna ask you a few questions...

...about the other night at Carlex.

Hey, man, I don't know anything, okay?

Now, why don't you just get lost, or I'm gonna hurt you bad.

We're gone. Real bad.

Not that important. Come on, Frank.

That's it.

Would you come on? Let's go.

Ten more, man. Come on. Ten more. Come on, come on, come on.

Absolutely not. No.

Frank? No.

Come on, two more. Come on, two more. Come on, dig.

No, no. Yes, yes, yes.

Come on, come on, two more.

Come on. One more, one more. Come on, be tough.

Okay. I'm not messing around.

Get in here. Now...

...who told you to send us to lunch? What are you talking about?

I can't hold it, Frank.

No upper-body strength. Hey, man, I don't know anything.

It's slipping. Goodbye, flathead.

All right, all right! O'Connell...

...he phoned me, man, told me to send y'all to lunch. I swear!

All right, let him go.

I suggest we move. Come on!

Both of you, get out.

There weren't enough good-looking women for us here.

And there's no pool, so... Look, you heard what she said. Out.

Hey, girls, stop those two guys!

Get them, girls.

Frank.

Dooley! Dooley!

Dooley, I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna...!

I'm gonna kill you, man! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

You wait, you wait! You're dead!

Freeze, or I'll feed you to the fish.

Oh, Frank Dooley. How's it going, Cappy?

Okay. How you doing, big guy?

Good to see you. You're looking good.

You're looking good yourself. This is Norm.

Norm, Cappy. Hey, how you doing?

Cappy. How's the fishing?

No bites yet, Frank. Anybody using this?

No, go ahead, have some fun. You don't mind?

You wanna fish? No, I don't fish.

Great.

How you been doing? I heard you got kicked off the force.

Yeah, you heard right.

You hear about a guy named Michael Carlino?

Now, that depends on who's asking.

Oh, maybe a guy named Andrew Jackson.

Hey, come on, you know I can't take money from you.

I was hoping you'd say that.

But I'll take it from him. Great. Pay the man.

There you go.

Now, about Michael Carlino.

Carlino is heavy. I mean, bigtime.

It's organized guys like him that ran us independents out of business.

What business is that, Cappy?

I only talk to Andrew Jackson.

The question was, what business is that?

Theft. You're a thief?

Retired. Not from where I'm standing.

Lighten up. He's trying to help us out. It's cost me a week's pay.

Well, you're insulting him, and you're embarrassing yourself.

Hey!

Hey, I got something. What is it?

A shark. I got a shark! I got a shark!

Out of the way! Shark!

He's got a shark! Shark!

Get out of my way, will you?

Will you get out of my way? Come on, I got a shark here.

You're crossing my lines. Would you pull your...?

Will you...? I got a shark!

I've never had one... Come on. My foot.

Hey, get out of my face, will you? Let me...

I got a shark here!

That's my line! Will you let go of my line?

All right, get back! Get back! I got a gun!

I got him. I got him. Take a look at this.

What is it?

Now, that's fishing.

It's nice of you to stop by, but I'm in a hurry.

I have to go to Michael Carlino's party tonight, so...

What did you wanna talk to me about? Frank?

Go ahead. I'm not gonna ask her.

You ask. You said you wanted to talk.

Well, maybe I changed my mind. I don't care.

You wanted... This is your idea. Why don't I go get ready...

...while you guys work this out, okay?

Yeah, sure.

Why don't you just ask her, you little ferret. Go on.

What, do I have to do everything?

Maggie, what do you know about Michael Carlino?

Not much, really. I know he lent my father some money...

...about two years ago to start Guard Dog.

And he owns some of the properties we protect.

Why? Are you still worried about this union thing?

No. No, no.

Have there been a lot of burglaries over the last couple of years?

Oh, I don't know. I've only been here for the last six months.

I got divorced, and I needed a job. Get up. What are you doing?

And my father asked me to come work for him...

...until I got back on my feet.

Hello.

Norman.

Norman, what is this all about, anyway?

We have reason to believe that your father and Michael Carlino...

...are involved in a major criminal conspiracy.

Oh, you do? Yes, we do.

And I suppose that you can prove that?

No, not yet, but we're working on it.

Well, work on it someplace else, Dooley.

My father is a good man. Now, you both get out of my house.

Come on, Frank.

Maggie, we're not implying that your father did anything wrong, okay?

You know, you're a very nice man, Norman, and I like you a lot.

But you let your partner talk you into something...

...that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I would expect it from him, but certainly not from you.

And I'm very disappointed in you, Norman.

Now, please leave.

I'm sorry.

I was a good cop, and I'm right about this.

Get out.

Get out.

You were great. All right.

Fun, fun, fun.

So Frank tells me you're an attorney.

And what line of work would you be in?

I'm a technician in a tanning salon.

It's kind of boring.

But I get all the free rays I want. Wonderful.

See, no tan line.

I don't see one, no.

You got a tan line?

No tan line here. No tan line.

Are these girls wonderful or what?

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, what's with Mr. Gloomy Gus?

I just think you were a little hard on Maggie.

I mean, I like her. You know, my partner, Mr. Silver Tongue...

...tells her her father's a crook to her face.

Wonderful bedside manner. Should've been a doctor.

Why'd you do it, Frank?

Because he is a crook.

I chase crooks for a living. That's what I do. I'm a cop.

I used to be a cop.

And you were a terrific cop, Frank. The best.

Thanks, Vicki. Yeah.

Can you get Peepee to get a pitcher?

That'd be Pepe, and I sure can.

Ned. What?

Look who... Come here. Look who's here.

Hey, Frank, what's happening?

Frank, how you doing? Word's on the street you got a job.

Yeah. Guard Dog Security?

Yeah.

Well, hello there.

Hey, why don't you dance with some real cops.

These rent-a-cops are such a drag.

Why don't we take these two lovely ladies out for the evening.

Right. Roller-skating?

No, I got a much better idea than that.

These guys will take care of the bill here.

I have a very serious question to ask you. Are you enjoying yourself?

Well, do you wanna know the truth? No, I don't wanna know the truth.

Then I'm having a wonderful time, thank you.

I'm having a wonderful time too.

But we could have a better time if we go upstairs and have a drink.

No. No?

Sorry. No, I'm working. What? Yeah?

You're working. You're working for me.

No, no, I'm working for my father.

You're working for your father? Like I said, you're working for me.

Who do you think owns Guard Dog?

Excuse me, I do have work to do.

What...?

Good evening, gentlemen. Hey.

Frank, what are you guys doing here?

We're working undercover.

Special assignment, Operation Scumbag.

It's classified. Very hush-hush.

Even O'Connell doesn't know. Oh, really?

Yeah. I don't see your name on the list here.

Well, why would you?

Do you think we'd go under our real names?

Well, what names are you under?

Oh, let me see the list.

Here we are here. Pincus and McCarthy.

Pincus and McCarthy. Right, Mr. Pincus.

McCarthy. I'm Pincus.

Get it together, Kokolovitch.

You wanna open the doors, please? I'd love to chat all evening with you.

Right. Have fun.

I like your stole.

These suits look ridiculous. We're gonna stand out like sore thumbs.

What do you expect on short notice? I got us a deal.

Yeah, what, the Mexican-wedding rate?

I think you guys both look hunky.

Oh, thank you.

I don't see O'Connell. Keep your eyes open for Lazarus and Klepper.

Gotcha.

All right. Hey.

What are you doing? What's the matter?

We look like a dance team.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Mingle. You're a lawyer, aren't you?

Investigate.

Let's mingle. Okay.

Champagne, please. Yes, sir.

Right away. I just love champagne.

Good evening.

It's a wonderful affair, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Yeah.

Are you part of the entertainment?

No, no, I've been jet-setting around so much, you know...

...I left my regular tuxedo on the Concorde.

It's probably in Paris by now.

I had to get a rental.

Gosh, I didn't realize it was going to be this formal.

If I had known it was going to be this kind of party...

...I would've worn underwear.

You clumsy fool, look what you've done all over my beautiful dress.

Dummy. Sorry.

Get your hands off me. Sorry.

Come on. Sorry.

You hungry? Yeah.

Give me it. She's hungry.

You wanted to see me, Mike? Yeah, I did. Wait a second.

Hey...

Hey, I'll catch up with you later, okay? You're beautiful.

I just saw O'Connell.

He's over there talking to Carlino.

I wonder what they're saying.

I used to be able to read lips.

"Hello, Mike. I hear you lost your penis."

"Oh, yes. Yes, I did.

Have you seen it?"

"Yes, I believe I saw it with the cocktail wieners."

"Oh, thank you very much. I better look in the kitchen then."

Or words to that effect. I'm glad I asked.

Hi, Daddy. Hey, sweetheart.

Everything under control? Yeah.

I must have a complete set of Carlino's fingerprints...

...on my fanny by now.

That son of a bi... Hey.

I'm a big girl now. I can take care of myself.

Yeah? Yeah?

Can I ask you a question? Sure. What? Anything.

What do you think of Dooley and Kane?

Why do you ask? Because they said...

...that Carlino was responsible for the warehouse robberies...

...and that you were helping him.

And you believed them? No, I don't believe them, Daddy.

That's why I'm asking you.

Look...

...I don't have to explain myself to you or anybody else.

Michael. Hey, Lou.

I'm glad you could make it, baby. All right.

I gotta talk to you in private...

...but, Tony, Floyd, take Mr. Brackman down to the pool.

Just give us about 10 minutes, right?

Sure, Michael.

Glass of bubbly, Lou? Why not?

Don't eat too much. We're going out for pizza later. Wait here. Come on.

What are we doing? Come on.

We're early.

Come on.

It's locked.

Somebody's coming. Oh, jeez.

Come on, hurry.

Hey, turn on the steam, Tony.

I gotta relax before I go up to that party.

Because I really like it hot.

You did everything I told you?

Yes, I took the pension and welfare fund, I converted it to cash...

...and negotiable bonds just like you said, but I don't like it, Michael.

Why do you need so much cash, over $11 million?

Because we're gonna make a major transaction down in South America.

And our friends down there don't take credit cards.

If that's union money, how can you use it to pay the Colombians with?

You're gonna take that money, you're gonna put it in an armored car...

...and transfer it to a bank in Riverside.

But guess what? I'm gonna make sure the armored car doesn't get there.

But don't be a schmuck. You can't do that.

Insurance will take care of it. The insurance company's...

...gonna ask questions, like why I turned everything into cash.

There's bound to be an investigation, and I'll take the fall.

You can't do this, Michael. Don't be an asshole.

Yeah, jeez, you're right, Lou.

What a testa dura I am. Oh, jeez.

Frank. Frank.

I gotta get out! Would you shut up?

Lou, thank you. Thank you, baby, for telling me about it. Thank you.

You know, I'm trying to do what's best for everybody.

Yeah, sure. Thanks, Lou. Thank you.

I guess I'll be going now. Now, Lou...

...why don't you have Tony and Floyd see you home.

Goodbye, Lou.

Frank! Go on, get out of here!

So... So long. Michael...

Excuse me...

...have you seen our dates anywhere?

Your dates? What are their names?

Oh, we don't have any dates tonight.

No, we're alone. No, no, you're not alone.

You're with Michael Carlino. I'm your date.

Let's take our clothes off. We'll go inside, take a steam bath.

We'll get acquainted. We're really hungry.

Could you take us to dinner? We're gonna go one-on-one.

I mean, we're gonna have a threesome.

The girls are out there. Frank.

Frank.

All right, we'll eat first, and then we are gonna steam, right?

Yeah. That's a promise. Let's do it.

Come on. Hold on.

Okay.

I'll kill you, you son of a...!

All right, all right.

"Let's go in the steam room."

Good idea, Frank. Real good.

Good thing we didn't hide in the barbecue pit.

Carlino would've had a sudden craving for ribs.

I don't listen to you anymore. From now on, I call the shots. Got that?

I call the shots. Come on.

They're gonna nail Brackman.

Come on, you guys. Mike was only kidding, right?

Give me a break.

You couldn't give me a pass on this one, Tony? I could just disappear.

Oh, you're gonna disappear, all right. Get in the car, Lou.

Brackman!

Brackman, run for it!

Smoke him, Anthony.

Brackman, come here. You made it.

Frank, he's not moving.

It's too late. He's dead.

What's going on out here? I don't know, people shooting.

There's a body. Who the hell are those guys?

Help! Hit men!

Hit men! Help!

Couple of hit men out here.

Dooley, Kane, what the hell are you doing?

You know those guys? Yeah, they work for me.

They just knocked off Lou Brackman. Get the cops.

Well, Mr. Brains, what do we do now?

Get the car! Get the car.

Don't let them get away. Stop them. Hey, stop.

See, they're not stopping.

Go.

Go, go.

Okay, everybody, it's all over. It's all over.

You can come out now. Kokolovitch!

Make sure everybody goes to their cars peacefully.

Don't panic, don't panic.

Do you believe it?

In my house, they kill my best friend, Lou Brackman.

Dad, you know they didn't kill him.

I told you to stay out of this, didn't I?

Union racketeering, grand theft, now murder.

We're gonna get those guys.

Get them? I wanna get away from them.

Oh, thank God, the police. Don't stop.

Why? Don't stop!

What are you doing? You're going down a one-way street.

Watch where you're going. I'm watching. Did you get them?

No.

Look at those guys.


Come on, let's go. All right. All right.

Frank, come on.

Come on.


My friend got married today. Got married.

He's going on his honeymoon tonight. Big night tonight.

We're gonna keep browsing.

Yeah. Right.

What are you reading? Panty Boys. And you?

Love Suckers.

I want you to case these buildings.

And question some of these people.

Let's check this place out. Hey, get out of the way.

Jesus.

Hey, I already paid you for this month.

Zip it. We're looking for somebody.

Well, what do we do now, Frank? We can't stay in here all night.

I know.

Give me a quarter.

Oh, for God's sake. Just give me a quarter.

Learn to control your urges. If it offends you, don't watch.

You're sick. Thank you.

You're a sick man. Just check the door.

Sick.

The cops are still out there.

Do we really have time for this, Frank? It helps me think.

It's all right, I got it. I got it.

I got it, I got it. All right, all right, all right.

Here, grab a chair, grab a chair. Hurry up. Get out of the way.

Hello.

I think she likes me. Yeah.

Frank, I've got an idea. Yeah, me too.

Wait, wait, give me a quarter.

Give me a quarter! Dig, dig! All right, here. Easy. See a doctor.

Fifi.

Disgusting magazines. I'm out of here.

If you tell anyone about this... I'll send a postcard to my family.

I'm just warning you, that's all. Let's go.

The guy is kind of a big blond guy. He's kind of funny-looking.

The other one's dark, curly hair, sort of ethnic.

Maybe you've seen these guys around.

What are you looking at, you schmuck?

Oh, isn't he cute? And look at these muscles.

Get your hands off me. I'm a police officer.

He gets frisky when he sees a badge. Hey.

Hello. What are you doing later on tonight?

Take a walk, you jerk.

Let's trot. Why can't you look this good?

Mother Nature wasn't kind to some of us.

Move it. Oh, he touched me.

I got my Christmas goose early.

Oh, aren't you the cheeky one. That's like the pot...

...calling the kettle black. Oh, is that a fact?

Hi, Maggie. Thanks for coming.

I'm sorry.

I came as soon as you called me. I'm sorry.

You guys aren't hurt or anything, are you?

No, not hurt, not hurt. I'm a little upset.

I'm a little angry. I'm tired of being shot at.

I'm tired of being treated like a sexual object.

I wish you listened to us yesterday. I'm sorry. I'm ready to listen now.

Okay? So, what's going on?

Carlino is hitting an armored truck.

It carries the union's pension and welfare money. Frank's got a plan.

Give me the map. No.

Give me the map. No.

Bend over.

Now, they're planning on hitting this truck between here and Riverside.

But we're gonna nail them first, right here at Seventh and Elm.

This is where you come in. You gotta arrange that Norm is driving that truck.

He can lead Carlino's men to our rendezvous point...

...where I'll catch them in the act. I'm driving the truck?

Yeah, did I forget to mention that? Yes, you did forget.

I'm driving the truck? Sorry, it sounds a little flaky now, you know?

This whole plan sounds dangerous.

I mean, what if you're not there, Frank? Do you have a backup plan?

There's no backup plan, buddy boy. This is it. I'll be there.

You see, the point is this: There's good guys, and there's bad guys.

There's right, and there's wrong.

And there comes a time in every man's life...

...when he's gotta take a stand.

And this time is now.

You're right. You're right.

Well, count me in. Thanks, Maggie.

What about you? You all set? All set.

Everything's in place. Okay, good.

But you gotta keep me informed. I gotta know when it's over.

Okay.

What's the matter with you, Clarence? You got a problem?

I just don't want any of our drivers hurt.

You don't want any of our drivers...? Right.

What the hell is this?

A Holy Name Society meeting or something?

Don't you get emotional on me now, Clarence, eh?

You listen to me. I warned you before.

Just do what I tell you, because people might get hurt.

Including that daughter of yours, right?

You understand what I mean?

Yeah, I understand. You better.

You better understand what I mean.

Get his ass out of here.

Gentlemen, there's been a change.

I'm taking you off the armored car run.

But Captain O'Connell told us not to screw up.

Yes, that's why I'm taking you off.

Better safe than sorry.

Yes, you're right.


Oh, that figures.

Hey, you driving this thing?

That's right. I'd hate to be in your shoes, pal.

Biggest shipment we've ever had.

Might as well paint "hit me" on the side of this truck.

Well, nice talking to you.

Yeah.

What are you doing here? I'm riding shotgun.

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

I can't let you do this, Maggie. Why?

Somehow I'd feel bad if we both got killed on our first date.

Don't worry, Norm.

All right, you're loaded. Let it roll.

Let's go. Let's go.


Okay.

Come on, now.

There we go.

Come on.

Don't do this to me.

Hey, what are you doing here? I put you on that armored truck job.

But Sergeant Cavanaugh took us off.

So who's driving the truck?

She is.

Better safe than sorry. Right.

Okay, Dolan, you ready?

We're headed toward Spring Street. We'll be there in 18 minutes.

We're ready. Give us a couple minutes warning.

Dolan, we're going for a kind of terrorist look...

...so smoke the drivers. No witnesses on this one.

Come on. There we go, right onto the road.

Now you know where you are.

Ice cream, you ready?

Well, there they are.

So far, so good.

We're all set. There'll be no police coverage in the area for 20 minutes.

Rizzo, it's about time you earned your money.

You make sure it stays empty.

Yeah, right. Jerk.

All right, that's it. One more time.

This is it. It's the last chance you'll get.

All right. Here we go.

All right!

Come on, we got work to do.

Let's kick some ass.

Okay, now, this is where they expect us to go, right?

Right.

That's where we're really gonna go. Right.

Frank won't be there. He'll be there.

He won't be there. He'll wanna be there.

It won't be his fault, but he won't be there.

Hang on, here we go.

Good work, Norman. Yeah.

That crazy bastard. Hang on, Floyd!

What's going on?

Oh, great. Just my luck.

Hey! Idiot!

No!

No!

That's it, I've had it with you. I've had it up to here.

Okay, six more blocks and a right turn.

Looks like we got company.

Waste them, Floyd!

All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

They're trying to kill us, Anthony!

Watch out, Anthony!

See you, suckers.

I really hate those guys.

I think I'm getting the hang of this. Very impressive, Norman.

Norm.

Dolan, they're on Industrial, heading your way. Cut them off.

Let's go.

Ma, this was a mistake. Oh, yeah, this ain't gonna last.

Lady, open up! Open up! What? What?

I'm a special officer.

Give me your car. What are you, nuts?

Get out of my face. Get, get. No, no...

Give me your car.

Hey. Hey, hey, I need your help.

No way.

Throw me another one. What a geek.

Your mom dress you?

Hey!


Wait, this is an armored car! Get up, Norman!

Oh, Mother! No!

Shit. Come on, get this thing out of here. Get it out of here.

Well, don't just sit there, tell me where we are.

What the hell is going on? What's going on?

Your boys lost the truck. You kidding me? Where are they now?

I don't know.

Let's go!

Don't let them get away! Okay.

There's $11 million in there. Come on.

Got it! Got it! Get them!

Watch this!

Watch it!

Surprise.

Are you pazzo? What are you doing, Clarence?

Something I should have done a long time ago, Carlino:

Bust your ass! What?

Hey, there's my father. He's helping us.

I only got time to say this once. I'm a special officer.

And you gotta get me to 83rd and Aviation.

Otherwise, two very wonderful people are gonna die.

Well, climb on in here, slim.

Thank you very much.

Well, let's see how fast this son of a bitch can go!

Hold on tight to your saddle horns, son!

We're moving now!

Get out of here!


Sorry about that!

Just like those bumper cars, remember?

Hey, you're all right, you know that? Yeah, you too, buddy. I like you.

Move it!

Turn off over here. All right.


Slim, I ain't never seen a handgun that big before.

Yeah, it's a .50 caliber.

They used to use it to hunt buffalo with. Up close.

It's only legal in two states.

And this isn't one of them. You're something else, slim.

Dolan, they're on Industrial, heading your way. You cut them off.

We're on our way!

They're coming right for you.

Are you ready? We're ready.

So, what are you hauling? Rocket fuel.

Oh, perfect.

There they are.

Frank!

Hard left!


Oh, Frank.

Hey, I told you I'd be here.

You didn't tell me they'd be using guided missiles.

All right. So there were a few flaws in my plan.

A few flaws?

I'm sorry about your truck. It's all in a day's work.

Hey, nice attitude. Look!

I'm gonna kill those guys! Run them down.


All right, slim.

They're gonna feel that in the morning.

Freeze. This is a citizen's arrest.

Give me that.

I'm an attorney. Give me a call.

Slim, you think I could get me one of them?

Hell, thanks for the lift.

Thank you. My pleasure.

It's been a hoot, slim. All right. Take care.

I hope you got a permit for that fire, Dooley.

That's funny. Still got a good sense of humor, captain.

Captain, do you know my partner...? Cut the crap. What's this all about?

Not much, really.

Just that we're prepared to give sworn testimony to a grand jury...

...concerning a criminal conspiracy between Michael Carlino...

...a couple cops, various employees of IMOC Industries.

And where is Michael Carlino now?

Right here. Yeah, right here.

Come on. Drop the gun.

I'll tell you anything you need to know about him.

Get him out of here!

You're gonna pay for this, Clarence. You're gonna pay!

You're gonna pay!

I'll be back! It's your vendetta!

Dooley, you are a disgrace to this or any other uniform, you know that?

So I guess we'll have to put you in plain clothes when we bring you back.

You mean that? I'm back? Will that involve a raise or a promotion?

Not a chance.

Yeah, you got quite a girl here, captain.

Take your hands off her.

Norm. Yeah.

Call me.

You mean it? Yeah.

Sure.

So you're his partner. Yeah, that's right.

You interested in police work? We could use a good man.

No, it's very flattering, but I'm an attorney.

He's interested. I'm not interested.

You're gonna be a good cop. I'm not.

A great cop. He's lost his marbles.

Why are you saying I wanna be a cop?

Because you're gonna be a cop.

If I say you're gonna be a cop, you'll be one.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't wanna be a cop.