Arthur (1981) Script



Bitterman, stop the car. Stop... Stop the car. Girls, girls, g...

Hello, girls!


Would the more attractive of you please step forward?

God, that's funny.

No, actually... Actually, you're both very attractive.

Would...? Would the one who thinks I'm attractive please step forward?

Quickly as possible. Time is money. What'd you have in mind?

Uh, VD. I'm really into penicillin.

Now, that's funny.

Ahem. Actually, what I had in mind...

...was spending the evening with a stranger who loves me.

It's gonna cost you $100.

Oh, yeah? What time do you get off work?

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Let's make it $200. But I will ask you to Simoniz my car.

Tell me, has there been a death in your family?

This is funny stuff here.

ARTHUR: Mm. GLORIA: Let's go.

Bitterman, give her fr...

Give her friend $100. She came in second.

Who is that guy? BITTERMAN: I'd rather not say.

I think I know who it is. I saw his picture in the paper.

That's Arthur Bach, isn't it? What if it is?

Is there something wrong with him?


Permit me to introduce myself.

Where in the hell's my hat?

It's on the floor. Oh, I hate it when that happens.

I am Arthur. I'm Gloria.

I am Arthur. Yeah. What're you drinking?

Scotch. Would you like some? Why not?

You're with me, and you can ask that question?

Oh. Ha-ha-ha!

What's so funny now? I sometimes just think funny things.

GLORIA: What do you do for a living? ARTHUR: Oh.

I race cars. I play tennis. I fondle women.

But I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.


Bitterman, the Plaza, and step on it. Ha, ha. Ooh.

Sir, if I may say so... Bitterman, go through the park.

You know how I love the park.

GLORIA: Can I have another drink? ARTHUR: Yes!

Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have?

Don't you wish you were me?

I know I do.



MAN: Isn't that Arthur Bach?

I fell out of the goddamned car.

Is that the funniest thing ever?

BITTERMAN: Are you hurt, sir? Bitterman, I fell out of the car.

Isn't that the funniest thing ever?

You had to be there, right? Yeah. BITTERMAN: You are quite amusing, sir.

ARTHUR: Please get my drink. After all, we're going to the bar.

Thank you so much.



Madame, I am sorry, but we have absolutely...

Don't give me any stuff, buster. Oh, listen, Raymond, Raymond.

It's all right. The lady's with me. Oh.

Mr. Bach. How good to see you. Yes.

Oh, if only someone I knew felt that way.


RAYMOND: We have your regular table, Mr. Bach.

Oh, I know you have it, but is anyone sitting at it?

"Is anyone sitting at it?"


Yeah, now, it's all right. They're used to seeing me with the turtle.

Ah. Oh!

Uncle Peter. And Aunt Pearl. Arthur. You're looking well.

Thank you. Oh.

Aunt Pearl, may I say you're looking younger every day?

Doesn't Aunt Pearl look wonderful, darling?

She looks great.

Arthur, I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting this young woman.

Would you introduce us? Oh, how stupid of me. Uh...

...Princess Gloria, may I introduce my aunt and uncle...

...Peter and Pearl Bach.

How are you? Princess?

Did you say "princess," Arthur? Yes. Yes.

There's a very small country in the West Indies. I mean small.

I see. Thank you.


It's... It's terribly small. Tiny little country.

Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war.

That's how small it is. Small.

Very little.

It's 85 cents in a cab from one end of the country to the other.

I'm talking small. We understand it's small, Arthur.

They recently had the whole country carpeted.

This is not a big place. We understand that it's small, Arthur.

And we also understand that you are very drunk.

So why don't we meet again when you're sober?

Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

Grow up, Arthur. You'll make a fine adult.

Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You haven't got 50 pairs of short pants...

...hanging in your closet. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, it's the regular table? Wait a minute. Regular chair.

So... rich are you?

All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.

The service here is terrible. Where the hell's my drink?

We just ordered. That's always their excuse.


Engine room, where the hell's my drink?

Are you married? There's only one woman for me.

And I can't stand her.

Her name is Susan.

I can't tell you her last name, because that would be indiscreet.


Susan Johnson.

My father wants me to marry her, but I'm not going to.

You're the only woman at this table.

Oh, sure, you bring her a bottle. Me, you bring a glass.

Fine. Thank you very much. WAITER: Ha-ha-ha.

Aren't waiters wonderful?

You ask them for things, and they bring them.

Same principle as Santa Claus.

Well, tell me about yourself.

You mean, why I'm a hooker?

Are you a hooker?

Jesus, I forgot. I just thought I was doing great with you.

Okay. Why are you a hooker?

My mother died when I was 6.

Son of a bitch.

Why...? Don't they know what they do to kids?

My father raped me when I was 12.

So you had six relatively good years.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, listen, my father screwed me too.

Do you like me? You're cute.

I know that.

But do you like me?

Oh, yeah.

Well, princess, we're gonna have fun.

Tonight is New Year's Eve. Third time this week.

Here's to you.





Hello, darling.

Good morning.


Did you sleep well?

Fine. Good.

Please stop that. ARTHUR: Hobson, how good to see you.

Thank you so much. ARTHUR: Not at all.

I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition...

...and I have brought you orange juice, coffee and aspirins.

Or do you need to throw up?

No. No.

Gloria, I would like you to meet Hobson... best friend in the world.

I relish the compliment.

It is thrilling to meet you, Gloria.

Hi. Yes.

You obviously have a wonderful economy with words, Gloria.

I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.

Yes. As we can all see, it's a lovely day...

...which would seem to indicate that the night is over.

Gloria, I have arranged breakfast for you on the east patio.

This is a robe. Please put it on.

Say goodbye to her, Arthur.

Hobson? Yes?

Do you know what I'm gonna do? No, I don't.

I'm gonna take a bath.

I'll alert the media.

Do you want to run my bath for me?

It's what I live for.



Perhaps you'd like me to come in there and wash your dick for you... little shit.

[SINGING] You'd better watch out You'd better not cry You'd better not pout...


I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town Mm.

HOBSON [OVER INTERCOM]: Yes? ARTHUR: Hobson, this is Arthur.

Yes. How delightful to hear from you. How about a pitcher of martinis?

No, thank you.

Oh, Hobson, I'm not gonna face my father sober.

If you don't bring them, I'll have someone else do it.

I'll bring them. Thank you.

Say goodbye. Goodbye.


He treats me like a kid. Pfft!

[SINGING] He knows when you are sleeping


He knows when you're awake He knows when you've been Bad or good Ah.

You know, Arthur, your father is going to demand that you marry Susan.

I don't care what he demands. Unh.

Oh, stay with me a minute, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.

Yes. Bathing is a lonely business.

Except for fish.

I beg your pardon?

Did you say "except for fish"? Yes.

Fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another.

I often think, fish must get awfully tired of seafood.

What are your thoughts, Hobson?

Pardon me.


Arthur, I don't want you to be alone.

I'll never be alone. I have you.

God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson?

Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits. A hot bath is wonderful.

Girls are wonderful.

Yes. Imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be.

Get dressed.

I hate it here.

Of course you hate it. People work here.

Here, read this magazine. There are many pictures.

Look how nobody ever smiles here.

Why doesn't anybody ever smile here? They smile at lunchtime.

Lower your voice, Arthur, and sit up.

Stop being so nervous.

Later on, we'll get ice cream.

Mr. Bach, your father will see you now.

Thank you.

Come on, Hobson. He wants to see you alone.


He gets all that money.

Pays his family back by being a stinking drunk.

It's enough to make you sick.

I really wouldn't know, sir. I'm just a servant.

Yeah. On the other hand...

...go screw yourself.


The press has a good time with you, Arthur.

"Millionaire drunk playboy." ARTHUR: Mm-hm.

You're the weakest man I've ever known.

I despise your weakness.


...I'm afraid we have to talk.

I'm not gonna marry her. I've told you that a thousand times.

Fine. If that's your decision, Arthur, the family has no choice.

I'm sorry, Arthur, very sorry, but as of this moment, you are cut off.

You mean cut off from... and Grandmother and the family?

So you mean cut off from the?

The, um...

You don't mean cut off from the...? The money, Arthur.

Your grandmother and I have had all the papers drawn up.

We want this marriage, Arthur. I want it. Burt Johnson wants it.

Burt Johnson? He's a criminal.

Oh, we all are, Arthur.

And as you know...

...we usually get what we want.

Well, frankly, Father, I'd rather starve.

And I will. I'll get married when I fall in love with somebody.

Fine. I respect your integrity.


You've just lost 750 million dollars.


Actually, Susan is a very nice girl. Very nice.

And she'll make a wonderful wife. Yes, wonderful.

Have you ever seen her face...

...when the light catches it just right? She's really quite beautiful.

Of course, you can't depend on that light.

The wedding is a month from today.

The invitations will be mailed tonight. And have you ever tasted her chicken?

Whoo. She does spectacular things with a chicken.

And I love a chicken made at home. Arthur.

This is the ring your grandfather gave to your grandmother.

She wants you to give it to Susan.

This is to marry one girl?


Please don't do this to me, Father. I've been waiting for you to grow up.

I can't wait any longer.

Congratulations, Father. You win.

I had every intention of winning.

Congratulations to you, Arthur.

You're going to be a wealthy man for the rest of your life.

That's all I've ever wanted to be.

I'll take three dozen of these shirts. Um, assorted colors.

I hate my father. Then purchase four dozen.

Four dozen, please. And I want...

...14 of these sweaters, all green.

All green? I don't wear sweaters.

Send them to my address, will you?

What else can I buy, Hobson?

Hobson. Did you see that? Yes.

She stole that tie. It's a perfect crime. Girls don't wear ties.

Although some do. It's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.

Yes. If she murdered the tie, it'd be a perfect crime.

Why are you so happy about all this?

ARTHUR: The man following her is a security guard. We've gotta be calm.

Isn't she beautiful? Jesus.

May I ask what have we to do with this?

Beg your pardon, miss. I'm the security guard in the store.

Yeah? Trust me, you don't need the badge. No customer would wear that jacket.

Ah, ah, ah. Miss. Hey. Hey.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to look in the bag. I saw you put something in it.

You got trouble, mister. You're never gonna work on the East Coast again.

Okay, what's your name? Name. She's sensational.

She does have a certain Eleanor Roosevelt quality.

LINDA: What's your address? Uh, miss...

Give me the address! I want the address! Look, I saw you put a tie in that bag!

What did you say? WOMAN: What's going on?

All right, that's it. I want a cop.

Somebody get me a cop. We need a cop here.

Don't you move, Chester. I don't wanna see you move out of my sight.

Get me a cop! Get your hands off me! Uh, Chester. I'm Arthur Bach.

I'll straighten this out.

Hello, Mr. Bach. You really should stay out of this.

Yeah, well, he's in it, Chester. Tell him, Alfred.

I know this woman. We were shopping together.

Where the hell have you been? I'm sorry, darling. I got caught up.

She's a friend of yours, Mr. Bach? He just said that, Chester.

You're such a schmuck, Chester. ARTHUR: I asked her to pick out a tie.

I was gonna put it on my bill.

And you didn't pay for it? I know. I forgot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well... Chester, what can I say? I had no idea.

May I look at the tie?

Of course.

Oh, God, that's... That's lovely. Hope you like it.

You're really wonderful.


Not in front of all these people, dear. They might think you're an animal.

Mr. Bach, you understand it's my job.

Would you ask the lady at the counter to put this on my bill?

Oh, of course. I'll take care of it, Mr. Bach. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Were you scared?


Why are you smiling at me like that?

I see. You're a little strange, but cute. How are you?

Well, have a nice day. Thank you very much.

I'm gonna go to the bus stop now.

Why did you steal that tie?

I don't know. I'm a wonderful person.

I'm serious.

I'll be with you in a minute. He's starting to get on my nerves.

Will you stop smiling at me like that?

You look like one of Santa's helpers.

Is he with us?

My name is Arthur, and this is Mr. Hobson.

Good afternoon.

"Good afternoon"?

My name is Linda.

And I'd like to thank you very much. You did a nice thing.

That was an interesting kiss.

Kiss your wife like that? ARTHUR: I'm not married.

Keep smiling. 688-5549. Don't expect big things on the first date.

Yes, it's been a distinct pleasure meeting you.

Arthur, we really must be going. Thank you for a memorable afternoon.

Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.

Wouldn't it be funny if he called me? HOBSON: Yes.

Arthur, I see no reason for prolonging this conversation.

Unless you're planning to knock over a fruit stand later in the evening.

Good luck in prison.

Who was the tie for? A guy.

Look how he stopped smiling. My father. It's his birthday.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Uh, I don't know. Oh. I have plans for tomorrow night. What should I wear?

Steal something casual.

I like him. HOBSON: Likewise, I'm sure.

I'll have Bitterman drive you home. Hobson and I have got some shopping to do.

Oh, no. You don't have to do that.

Bitterman doesn't have to take me. Hi, Bitterman. Heh.

You know, I really hardly ever take the bus, ever.

Right. But it's just so hard to get a cab.

Of course.

I'm sure we know a lot of the same people.

Get in. Right.

Tell Bitterman where to take you.

And make sure you give him your address and your phone number.


Take care of her, Bitterman.

Good afternoon.



LINDA: You'd think they'd never seen a car before. Ha.

BOY: Hey, lady, where'd you get the car?

LINDA: Could you children please allow us our privacy? Please?

Bitterman? BITTERMAN: Yes, madam?

LINDA: Could I just sit here until one of my neighbors walks by?

I mean, I just want someone I know to see me get out of this.

BITTERMAN: I understand.

Oh, here comes Mrs. Nesbitt. This should kill her.

Well, don't touch the door. I'll do it.

Mrs. Nesbitt deserves the entire treatment.

Right. Hurry up.

Unh. Ha, ha. Thank you, Bitterman.

Why, hello, Mrs. Nesbitt.

Will that be all, madam? I think so.

Have a nice evening, Mrs. Nesbitt.

Could be a big tie. It is a tie.

Then guessing would be out of the question.

It is a tie. Surprise.

Ha, ha. I love it.

It goes with everything I own. Ha, ha.

I hope you like it. If I don't get a job soon, you may get it back on your birthday.


...shut up.

A funny thing happened to me today. Yeah?

LINDA: Do you know why girls marry so badly?

Is this a joke? Are these Polish girls?


No. The reason is, there are so many girls...

...and so...

...few princes.

You met a prince?

I met a nice guy. With my help, he could become a prince.

Who is he? Just a guy.

What does he do?


Another beauty. How does he make a living?

Look, I have to make dinner.

I take it this bum will be calling you?

Dad, he's a millionaire.

You have my permission to marry him.

Roses. Yellow. Right.

She'll drop dead. She'll love them. Right.

Uh, yellow roses. Two dozen.

I think something else would look nice too.

Red roses. With the yellow. Right.

She won't know what hit her. You'll be aces with her.

You're a nice boy. Two dozen red, okay?

Do you know what happened? No, I don't.

Yesterday, I met her outside Bergdorf's. Good, good.

And I can't stop thinking about her.

Uh, are you married? Once. She's alive.

What's that? Uh... Yucca plant.

I'll take it. How many?

Four. Where were you when I was selling cars?

How did you know when you fell in love? I mean, how does anybody know?

I was on a train. Oh, yeah.

From Washington to New York. What's that?

FLORIST: A fern. You need five. Right.

A girl got on the train. Skinny. She gave me a smile.

By Baltimore, I was a dead duck. God.

Did you whistle a lot? I mean, I find I whistle.

I whistled.

Did you feel funny? I mean, I feel funny. No. You may have a cold.

Yeah. Listen, could you send all this, and anything else you can think of... this address?

And send two dozen roses to your wife, the skinny one on the train.

Here, keep the change.

You're the rich one? The one who drinks?


How does it feel to have all that money? Feels great.

A dumb question.


What do you do? I've never asked you.

I'm an actress. I mean, I'm studying to be one. Ha, ha.

Yeah? Great.

Yeah. But right now I'm working as a waitress. A lot of talented girls do that.

Yeah. What's it like being a waitress? Well, it's fun. I mean, you know, someti...

This guy came in and pulled out...

Great. Thank you. Great.

Okay, what? A guy came in...? A guy came into the diner...

...and then pulled out...

Pulled out what? Pulled out a gun.

Oh. God.

Thank you. I love this song.

I love it too. Ha-ha-ha.



Hey, when do I get a turn? Shh.

Can't you see I'm going for a new world record? Ha!

After only 12 games, I have 80 coupons.

I knew it would be different spending an evening with a millionaire.

Ha! Two more, and I'm 20 for 20. That's another 35 coupons. Ha, ha.

Could we have...? Could we have a little quiet here?

You nut.

Look at him with his gun.

Are you cute.

God, I missed. Nineteen.

For 19, you get 15 coupons. Ha! Ha.

Thank you.

We really have to go now. So...

"Space Invaders"? Holy crap.

All right. You win.

What do you want, the orange one? LINDA & ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah.

I love it. Enjoy it.

Take care of it. Take care of it? I already named it.

What? Well, I named it after my grandmother...

...on my mother's side. ARTHUR: Oh.


Here's a rose. I stole it from the restroom.

Thank you.

I've never taken care of anyone.

Everyone's always taken care of me.

But if you got sick, or anything...

...I'd take care of you.

LINDA: Then I'll get sick.

MARTHA: This Vermeer just arrived today.

It's called Woman Admiring Pearls.

The dealer jerked me around on the price a little.

But what the hell?

We live once.

ARTHUR: Martha?

MARTHA: What's the matter, Arthur?

I can't marry Susan Johnson.


Really? I met this girl.

Arthur. You are a charming boy.

Unfortunately, every time you have an erection, it makes the papers.


Goodness. I sound like a dime novel.


Isn't my grandson handsome, Harriet?

Yes. Thank you, Harriet.

Arthur, is it wonderful to be...



At your age, Martha, it might just be dangerous.


Who is she? This one you met.

I don't know.

She lives in Queens. She's nobody.

But, oh, there's something about her, Martha.


Make no mistakes.

You are too old to be poor.

You don't know how.

We are ruthless people.

Don't screw with us.

Arthur, I love you.

But if you don't marry Susan, I'll cut you off without a cent.


You're a scary old broad, Martha. Yes.

And you are a delightful child.

Marry Susan and cheat with the nobody from Queens.



Yeah? ARTHUR: Oh, Linda.

Hi. How are you?

How are you? I got off work early. Listen, do you like lasagna?

Yeah. Um... Oh, thank God.

Linda, uh...

...I know this is last-minute...

...but something came up. I can't make it tonight. I'm sorry.

Fine. No problem. What?

Linda, listen, the truth is...

...I'm getting engaged tonight.

The easiest thing would be to lie, but I like you...

Look, no sweat.

Linda... We had some laughs. Good luck.

I wanted to tell you the other night, but I...

Don't worry about it. I really... I have to go. Okay? Bye.


[SOBBING] No, Linda.

Would you like a beer? I'll be all right, sweetheart. I...

I just have to be alone for a minute.

Oh, God. I can't bear it.


Come in.


Shall I get the car, Mr. Bach?

No thanks, Bitterman.

Tonight I'll drive myself.

How often does a young man get engaged?

Where's Mr. Hobson? Mr. Hobson was tired, sir. He's resting.

He's been tired quite a bit lately, Bitterman.

Oh, I'm sure he's fine, sir.


Will you cut it out?

Well, I didn't mean to tell you, but I've got this tumor in my head.

Did the lights go off? Hobson, just talk to me, okay?

Oh, with a tumor in my head?

Listen, Arthur.

There are three books. This is important. Mm-hm.

Take them back... the library.


Oh, God, Hobson, please. Don't die anymore. It's getting very boring.

I told you, I've only got a cold. Now go and get engaged.

I just told Linda I was getting engaged. I don't know why.

A little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.

Listen, old man...

...don't ever talk about her that way again. She's the best person I know.

Goddamn it, why are you such a snob?



Hobson, I raised my voice to you. I've never done that before.

That's quite all right.

You know, you may be growing up.

And I'm sorry for what I said about Linda.


Do you want anything?

I want to be younger.

Sorry. It's your job to be older.



Good evening, Mr. Bach. Good evening, Mr. Butler.

I'm here to get engaged. Won't you come in, sir?

Yes, I will.

How are you?

Susan. You get down here this minute.

Miss Susan is expecting you. Yes.

She's dressing. I will inform her that you're here.

Tell her that Chief Inspector Flanigan from Homicide is here.

That should get her down in a hurry.


Nothing. Offer to take my coat. You don't have a coat.

Well, offer to take my tie.

It's a little joke.

Listen, take the rest of the week off. You're obviously under a lot of tension.

Would you care to wait in the library?

Yes, I would. The bathroom is out of the question.


No. That's another little joke.

Follow me, please. Well, sure.

I'm a little nervous. I'm getting engaged.

You may wait in here. Thank you.

Is there anything you care for while you wait?

Do you have today's Pravda? I like to keep up with Russia.


Then fill a glass with Scotch.

Are you sure you want to be a nightclub comic?


Marty, he's pouring a drink. I'll have to get back to you.

Listen, Marty...

...if you're gonna be like that, let's call the whole thing off. Thank you.

God, these people. Thank you.

I'm glad we had this time together. You're a funny guy.

Oh, you have that problem too?


This must be awfully embarrassing for you.

Hello, Arthur. Hello, Mr. Johnson.

I haven't seen much of you lately.


The reason you haven't seen much of me... because I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town...

...and you live here. Want a drink?

I never drink. Ah.

No one in my family ever drinks. That's great.

You probably never run out of ice your whole life. Ha.

I don't drink, because drinking affects your decision-making.

You may be right. I can't decide.


That's just a little humor.

Where's the rest of this moose?

Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.

I do too. That's why I had you come over today. Ha-ha-ha.

This is a tough room. I don't have to tell you that.

You must have hated this moose.

Why don't you forget the moose for a moment?




You know, I didn't inherit money like you did. I started with nothing.

And yet...

...I was a millionaire by the time I was 18.

Anyone stood in my way, they got hurt.

When I was 11 years old...

...I killed a man.


When you're 11, you probably don't even know there's a law against that.

Is Susan here?

I knew what I was doing. We were poor.

He came into our house to steal our food. Well, he was asking for it.

I took a knife...

...and I killed him in the kitchen.


You, um, probably ate out that night.

I mean, with that man lying in your kitchen.

You seem to find humor in everything. Yes. Sorry.

Arthur. What?

Do you know what I consider to be my most precious possession?

No. My daughter.

She is my gold.

She is my treasure. She's very nice.

And I protect what's mine.

And I do it in an ugly way.

I'm from the gutter. Oh, I understand. Yes, the gutter.

You seem upset. Now, Susan loves you.

And I want you to make her happy. Mm. Oh...

You... You can count on...

I insist on you making her happy.


What happens...

I mean, this is just hypothetical. If I don't make her happy?

Which is out of the question. I swear she'll be happy.

But let's just say, um, I make her...


For cranky, I guess you'd probably just break my ankles.

Something like that.

You'll make her happy. I don't like your drinking.

Oh. It makes you unreasonable.

I want you to go to work.

Now, your father and I talked about it. I want you... work for me.

Is this it? She's not happy already? Arthur, Susan loves you.

So I love you. You'll find me a friend.


Arthur, don't you get it?

You can get drunk. You can throw up. You can forget to call me for months.

You can't lose with me. I know you too well.

And I'm much stronger than you are.

I know how alone you are.

I hate how alone you are.

I've cried because you're so alone.

Don't be afraid, Arthur.

You're never going to be alone again.


I'll have another one. You want another fish?

Don't drink anymore, Arthur.

Susan. Yes, Arthur?

You're such an asshole.

This is what I am.

Everyone who drinks is not a poet.

Some of us drink because we're not poets.

A real woman could stop you from drinking.

It'd have to be a real big woman.

Arthur, will you take my hand? That would leave you with one.

Sorry. Here's the hand.

I love you, Arthur.

Good. I have to talk to the waiter now.

My doctor has advised me that I must drink 10 of these an hour.

I understand, Mr. Bach.

This is the ring my grandfather gave to my grandmother. Ahem.

Then he died.

And subsequently, she gave it to me.

I'll always love you, Arthur.

It's a great ring, isn't it? It's a beautiful ring.

It's a magical night.

Do you have any objection to naming a child Vladimir?

Even a girl? Ask me, Arthur.

Will you marry me, Susan? Take the weekend if you want.

Yes. Congratulations.

Would you mind if I took you home? I've...

I've got a terrible headache. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.




This must be the building.


Hey. Cochie-cochie-cochie-coo.



I hope it's not late. Who am I talking to? Oh, it's me, it's me.

Linda? What do you want?

Ah, shit. I...

I'm very sorry to have disturbed you, madam.

I was looking for Linda. I hope this is the wrong house.

My husband has a gun! I'm sure he has, madam.

For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.

Perry! Come over here! No, no!

This man wants to know where Linda lives!

She lives at 14133, Apartment A, next door.

Thank you very... You tell a total stranger that...

...when you don't know who he is? He looks okay.

Right. Get over here. She's terrible. Does she always hit you like that?

Yeah. What can I do? Listen...

Mind your own business!

Perry, for God's sake, she's gonna kill you. Get in there, Perry.

Give her a shot. Jesus Chri... It's you against her, Perr...


Oh, God.

That's horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

You shouldn't hear this.

Oh, God.


Come on, legs.

Perry, you're a dead man.

One foot... Pardon me.

Oh, you're a hedge.

Oh. You must be Linda's father. Yeah. It's kind of late.

Although I wasn't sleeping myself, Arthur. Oh, nice to meet you, Arthur.

Yeah. Hi. Hi. Hi, Linda.

Can I come in? Don't you hate Perry's wife?

LINDA: Let him in.

Linda, I've missed...


Sorry, Linda. I'm sorry. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.


It happens.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Nobody knocks on a door at 3:00 in the morning.

You're so drunk, you can hardly stand up.

And you're engaged.

This is a goner.

LINDA: I'm going to sleep.

You come here at 3:00 in the morning to say goodbye?

I have to get up and go to work in the morning. Stop kidding around.

Will you stop kissing me?

I'm sure you're not gonna want to be a waitress for the rest of your life.

I am studying to be an actress.

You told me. Well, I am.

I know. I know.

This is for you, your father, and your acting career.

Now, please take it, and I'll go. Uh-huh.

$100,000. FATHER: Aah.

We don't need your money.

Now, Linda, it'll help you. Yeah. Look what it's done for you.

Now tell your story walking before I call a cop.

Get out of here.


I know.

Wanna take it for a spin, Hobson? No, thank you, Arthur.

Mr. Bach, be sure you call me anytime you need the track.

ARTHUR: Okay. MAN: Take it easy.

ARTHUR: Thank you.

Hobson, do you know how miserable I am?

You're miserable? I've got all this, and I'm on a salary.

Do you know the worst part? The worst part of being me?

I should imagine your breath.

Let me be unhappy, will you?


You know, Hobson, I...

I could love somebody.

I never got to love anybody.

What do I have to live for? I'm a failure at everything.

I'm just in everyone's way.

Would you remove your helmet, please?

Why? Please.

Thank you. Now your goggles.

Why? Please.

Thank you.

You spoiled little bastard.

You're a man who has everything, haven't you? But that's not enough.

You feel unloved, Arthur? Welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved.

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And, incidentally, I love you.

Marry Susan, Arthur.

Poor drunks do not find love, Arthur.

Poor drunks have very few teeth. They urinate outdoors.

They freeze to death in summer.

I can't bear to think of you that way. I need Linda, Hobson.

HOBSON: I see.

Well, perhaps fate will lend a hand, Arthur.

One never knows.

"Good afternoon"? Yes. May I come in?

If you and your undershirt would walk two paces backwards...

...I could enter this dwelling.

How revolting.


...look who's here. The British Tonto.

How are you? How's Arthur?

You know, ever since I met that Arthur, I just liked him.

You know, we have to make sure that these two wonderful kids stay together.

Who is this person?

He's my father. Yes.

And I'd like to say that... Try not to speak.

Would you get me a cup of tea? I wish to speak to Linda.

Oh, sure. Heh, heh.

There is an engagement party tonight at Arthur's father's house in Southampton.

Here is the address. Perhaps you should attend.

Are all the ones he passed up coming?

Young woman, this is a tie you cannot steal.

This is a tie you're going to have to work for.

Are you inviting me to Arthur's engagement party?

This is not an invitation.


...if there's one thing that old gentlemen can still do...

...they can still spot young gentlemen in love.

Please go to the party.


Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine.

LINDA: Um...

Does Arthur know you're here?

No, Arthur is far too fine a person to be involved... something as devious as this.

You really look out for him, don't you? Yes.

And it is a job that I recommend highly.

I have something for you. For me?

What is it?

If I were to tell you, it would spoil the surprise, wouldn't it? Don't open it.

Here's your tea. I despise tea.

Would you go to the bathroom and bring me two aspirin?

You'll find them on the top shelf, to the left, behind the untouched shaving cream.


That sounds bad. Have you seen a doctor?


And he has seen me.

You know...

...I think Arthur has a very good friend.

May I kiss you on the cheek?

Is it something you feel strongly about? Yes.

Oh, what about your aspirins?

The aspirins are for you, my dear.



Good evening.


Mm. God knows when I'll see you again.

Arthur, will you play something for us? No.

I'd rather... I...


Gosh, darling.

Ah, yes.

CROWD: Aww...


Thank you.


Don't you hate these things? Despise them.

ARTHUR: Actually, seriously, um...

...songs come and go, but I love the classics.

And I hope you'll enjoy this one.

[SINGING] You'd better watch out You'd better not cry Oh, are you good friends with Arthur? Oh. For ages. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm so pleased he finally found the right woman. Where is she?

She's, uh... She's over there.

Isn't she just beautiful? LINDA: Of course she is.

Why would Arthur marry a dog? Pardon?

Santa Claus is coming to town How does it feel to be getting married, Arthur?

Blue moon You saw me standing alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own Thanks a lot. That's flattering.

CROWD: Aww...

If you knew Susan like I knew Susan Oh. Oh.

I need a drink

Tell me your entire name, darling. Preston Langley.

Oh, Preston. Really. I mean, if you don't remember when we met...

I mean, honestly. Ha-ha-ha.

Put your arm around me, Preston. PRESTON: Of course.


Linda, you're here.

So true.

Arthur. Join us.

Congratulations. Father sends his regards.

Does he? Yes, he does.

Wednesday night may be difficult for me.

What? You're looking wonderful, my dear.

Aren't I? Thank you. Wednesday?

It's difficult for her that night. Isn't that the night you usually attend...

...the ballet, darling, with your father? Yes.

Actually, I feel foolish...

...but I don't recall ever making... Preston.

Would you be divine and get me a gin and tonic?

Scotch for me, Preston.

You wait here for me? If it takes forever.

What are you doing here, and why are you talking like that?

I was in the neighborhood.

It took me two buses, three cabs and a train... get into the neighborhood, but what the hell? Ha-ha-ha.

Nice place. I like a living room you can land a plane in.

There's more of it. You like a tour?

I've seen bedrooms.

Don't be a lover. Be a person. You make me happy.

Her name is Linda Marolla.

She's the one Arthur saw the other night. She lives in Queens.



ARTHUR: Mario, please.

LINDA: Listen, don't worry. I talked to the warden.

We're gonna get you out of here. Ha-ha-ha.

When I was a kid, I used to open all their stalls and let them run out.

LINDA: You should have been there the day I freed my goldfish.

Come over here. I want you two to meet.

Pancho. Pancho. This is Linda. I told you about her. Do you remember?

Must've been something, growing up with all this.

Oh. I was away at boarding school most of the time.

I was kicked out of 10 prep schools. I was a bad kid.

No, you weren't.

You just wanted to go home.

Bad kids don't grow up as nice as you are.

Why do you think Pancho loves you? Well, thank you.


This is kind of like prom night, isn't it?

I mean, we're all dressed up.



Have you ever been in love?

No. You? No.

But when I was little, I thought the moon followed me.


Well, I would walk, and I thought that the moon went anyplace that I did.

Oh, that's great.

No, I know it's silly, but I was only 8 years old.

I thought it meant that something special was gonna happen to me someday.

So I've been waiting. Every day, I've been doing my hair, and washing my face.

Can I kiss you? Please.


I wasn't talking to you.

Why is it you can make me laugh at the saddest times in my whole life?

Why is that? I'm funny, that's why.

I'm funny. Yeah, that's it.

You're gonna marry Susan, aren't you? Yeah.

I'm still glad I came here. Made a fool out of myself.

I wish we had made love. Yeah.

I would give anything to see you in the morning.

Linda, I have to marry Susan. If I don't, my family will cut me off.

It's almost a billion dollars. Oh.


One of the horses just fainted.

Look, this is ridiculous, Arthur.

You got cab fare back to the city? I don't like to take a train at night.

Look, when Susan and I get married...

...I can set you up in an apartment, and we can...

Forget it.

LINDA: Are you cute.

I thought I'd find you here. He just loves that smelly old horse.

Have we met?

Uh, I don't think you have.

Linda Marolla, this is Susan Johnson, my fiancée.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Of course not. I'd say that if I were you.

We might as well tell her, Arthur.

You tell her.

My husband, Harold, went to prep school with Arthur.

Harold lost a fortune gambling. He's sick. He's a sick man.

But he's my husband.

I'm not one of your guests tonight. I came here for one reason only.

I came here to beg Arthur to lend us some money.

One of my kids, my youngest, my baby, needs an operation.

Harold hasn't kept up the insurance policy. I don't know where to turn.

Do I have to go on with this? No, of course not. Of course not.

Arthur, I wasn't spying on you. I know that.

There's an urgent phone call for you from Bitterman.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

Say hello to Harold for me.

You all right, Bitterman? Yes, sir.


...would you like me to get you some Scotch, sir?

No. No, thanks. We'll get through this together.

Yes, sir.

It's very hard.

I'm glad to have you here, sir.

Bitterman, um, do me a favor. Yes, sir?

Go back to the house.

Phone my father and Mr. Johnson and Miss Susan.

Tell them what's happened. The wedding will have to wait.

And bring me back some clothes here. Yes, sir.

Okay, let's open the presents.

I'm sorry, Arthur.

For what? For leaving you.

You're not leaving anyone.

Why, it's a basketball. Yeah, well, what the hell?

I knew you didn't have one. Yes.

If I feel the urge to dribble, I can always call the nurse.

I'll put this over here.

You purchased a choo-choo? Look, the wheels go round.


I'm very pleased.

Do you remember?

Do you remember when you used to play hide-and-seek with me?

I used to hide, and you never found me.

Did you know I never looked? Come on.

Well, I looked a little.


One for you, one for me. Put it on.

I don't wish to put it on.

I'll put it on.

If I begin to die, please take this off my head.

This is not the way I wish to be remembered.

Aren't they great?

Got guns and holsters too. Look.


Just in town for supplies, partner.

Arthur, I'm frightened.

I know you're frightened.

And I'm gonna take care of you.


Morning, Mr. Bach. Hi, Ken.

Here, I'll take that.

Mr. Bach, you look terrible. You haven't slept in a week.

Well, we had a bad night. He was up.

I got the kippers and eggs. Great.

I could get fired. Oh, no, you won't.

Listen, um, for lunch, um...

...I want the trout almondine from Lutèce. Tell Henri it's for me.

He shouldn't be eating that stuff. I don't want his last meal to be Jell-O.

Thanks very much. See you later.

Oh, look who's up.

Well, now, ahem...

...we have eggs, we have kippers.

We have croissant. We have a yellow rose.

We have strawberries. We have blueberry cakes.

We have orange juice, and we have great coffee.

Right. Now, a table for one, sir.

Your regular.

You know, Arthur...

...I'm very glad you're here.

I want you to eat this. You know what this is costing me?

I've got chefs working at 6 in the morning all over town.

Arthur, you look awful.

That's just because you've never seen me sober. Now, come on, eat.

Come on. You used to make me eat.



It's not so bad.

You don't need to be so frightened about it.

What? Dying.

Seems natural.

Even comforting now.

You're even teaching me how to die?

I'm through teaching you anything, Arthur.

You've grown up.

Arthur. What?

You can do anything with your life that you want to.

What do you mean?

Figure it out.

Have you seen Linda Marolla lately?

Linda Marolla?

Why would you ask about her?

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm dying.

Want me to read you some Shakespeare?

Hamlet was in big trouble when we left off. No.

Arthur. Mm?

You're a good son.

MAN: You... You take your average kid today, friend.

He don't wanna go in the Army.

Yeah, what does he care? The dope.

But the Communists, they go in the Army.

If only we had some Communists here.

No. No.

No. No.

While our kids are dancing...

...their kids are learning how to fight.

Everybody's dancing here.

You're right. You're right. It's not worth talking about.

Let me buy you another drink. Right.

What do you do? I'm a dance instructor.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Honest to God. I'm a dentist.

I hate dentists.

We're not bad guys. It's not easy, you know?

There's... There's teeth and gums and blood.

Oh, my God.

I have to get looped just to walk into my office.

Bartender. We would like two more, please.

Haven't you had enough? I want more than enough.


How come you got all this money for all these drinks?

I saved my money. I haven't had a drink in a month.

Oh, my God. Well, you see, my father died.

So I stayed sober.

One night at the hospital, he fell asleep. I was watching him.

And then...

...he just kept on sleeping.

And I was all alone.

Oh, that's terrible.

Nah. Listen...

...I was lucky to know him at all.

Are you somebody's father? No. I'm a drunk.

Oh, yeah, right.

I have a brother who moved to New Jersey.

I'm getting married soon.

Great. I don't love her.

Oh, no. I don't love her.

Well, don't make a scene. No, I'm sorry, but there...

There's this other girl.

She steals ties... Uh-huh.

...and gives them to her father. She's funny.


I want her. Uh-huh.

I want her! I have to go.

No, no, no.


Sir, your wedding is within less than five hours.

Yeah. Listen, listen. Go see your brother.

All right? Nobody should be alone.

Yeah. It's awful... be alone.


I just want you to know, if he doesn't show up for this wedding...

...I'm going to kill him. Don't worry about it, Burt.

I talk to Arthur every day.

Since Hobson's death, he's stopped drinking. He's anxious to work.

He's become a responsible citizen. He'll be a good husband.

Thanks very much. Have a nice day.

Thanks. Where's my roll? We're having it monogrammed.

Take it easy. Hurry up with the old man's roll, huh?

Can I help you? Do you recommend the French toast?

With all of my heart.

Lady, I got customers. WOMAN: I'll have it.

LINDA: You've made the right decision.

Miss? Miss? I... Wait a minute. Wait. Wait.

I've waited long enough.

Can you take the next 60 years off? I'll have to ask.

What...? You want some coffee? Where's my roll?

Wait. I'll get it.

What the hell's going on here? ARTHUR: She's getting your roll.

Here's your roll. Arthur, what happened? Hobson died.

I know. He loved you very much. Did you know that?

Yeah. And I think I'll grow up.

I want to marry you.

Although I'm supposed to marry Susan in 20 minutes.

He seems drunk, but he sounds sincere. LINDA: Eat your roll.


Look, the money. Arthur, can you live without the money?

Well, we'll have to.

Please marry me.

I'll try to be sober, and I'll try to make you happy.

Although it won't be easy, because I'll be poor.

We'll be poor. We'll be poor.

Most people are poor.

LINDA & ARTHUR: Eat your roll.

Now, I have to tell Susan. Come with me?

Yeah. I gotta change.

I'll cover for you. All right.

Arthur, last night, I could've sworn the moon was following me.

It was.


I'm Arthur Bach, the groom. Congratulations.

Oh, thank you. And to you too.

I wonder, could you tell me where the wedding party is?

Right over there, in that room.

Oh, thank you very much. You've got a lovely...


Hat. He's drunk.

Hat. It's called a hat.

Good luck, Arthur.

Oh, thank you very much. I'm Arthur Bach.

I'm Arthur Bach.

Did you forget your garter belt? SUSAN: No.


Sorry I'm late. Oh, Arthur.

Oh, Susan.

Susan, just the one I wanted to talk to. Nice dress.

Arthur, the ceremony's just... Yeah, yeah. I know. Um...

Could we just talk for a moment, away from all these people?

Of course.


Susan, I...

Susan, I... I...

[SOFTLY] I don't love you. I don't love you.

What is it, dear? I don't love you.

[LOUDLY] I don't love you.

It's right in that room over there. Ah.

Thank you. Oh, your hat is lovely. I've heard.

Thank you.

SUSAN: You're drunk. I... I...

SUSAN: You're frightened. I know. I know. I'm both of those.

I know. But I'm...

[SOFTLY] I'm in love with another woman.

What, dear? I'm in love with another woman.


[LOUDLY] I'm in love...

...with another woman.

Susan, the one innocent person in all of this has been you. I'm really sorry.

Shut up, Arthur! Just shut up!

Daddy! Oh, no, no, no.


Oh, hello, Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Jo...



He must be nervous. Ha, ha. Arthur gets nervous sometimes, you know.

Here's your ring, Arthur.

I hope you're happy.

BURT: Now, stand up, son. I wanna kill you with my bare hands.


Oh, hi, Linda. I think you know everyone. This is Susan's father.

LINDA: My God, Arthur, you're really hurt.

I've got him right where I want him.

LINDA: You animal.

Look, it's over.

He doesn't love your daughter. I'm sorry. It happens.

He loves me. SUSAN: What about Harold?


Oh, you poor thing. Stand aside.

Now, is this the slut that you've disgraced my daughter for?




LINDA: Arthur!


ARTHUR: Oh, my God, my...

Daddy. Daddy. He's not worth it. LINDA: Just sit up.

Susan. No.

LINDA: Can you move, Arthur? No, Daddy. No!

Everybody, out! SUSAN: No, Daddy. No!

BURT: Out! All of you, out!

ARTHUR: Oh. Oh, God.


He's taking the knife out of the cheese.

Do you think he wants some cheese? LINDA: No. I think we're gonna die.

I don't wanna die, Arthur. Arthur. Oh, no, no, no.


MR. BACH: What the hell is going on here? MARTHA: Stop that this instant.

Don't screw with me, Burt.




Uh... Um, ladies and gentlemen...

...I'm sorry.

Uh, as you probably have surmised by now...

...there will be no wedding.

The bride has had second thoughts...

...and has decided not to marry me.

Most of you know me. Can you blame her? Heh.


I won't be seeing most of you anymore, because I'm...

I'm going to be, uh...


I'll... I'll miss you.

And, um... that there's a good chance, I should go... the hospital.


LINDA: Okay, now, this has some iodine on it, so it might hurt a little.

ARTHUR: Ow, that hurts. I hate it. Stop it.

Why'd you do that? LINDA: Because I hate an infection.

See, if you'd have just let me get... Ow!


Look, as long as we're here... you promise to love me...

...and obey me...

...and be a good boy?

I do.

And do you promise never to put that stuff on my face again?

LINDA: I do.

ARTHUR: Oh, God.

We're gonna be great. Yeah.

We're gonna be... We're gonna be like... of those poor couples on the subway who hold hands.

How much is the subway?

Uh, sixty cents. But if you spit, it's a 500-dollar fine.

Then I won't spit. Good. None of the best people do.

I'll get a job.

That's what I'll do.

I'll get a job. LINDA: Mm-hm.

I'll work.

God, this is gonna be great.

LINDA: Good. Look how excited he is. ARTHUR: I'll come home from work.

You'll be ironing.

We'll eat some cheap, disgusting food. MARTHA: Stop!

ARTHUR: I think we're in trouble.

MARTHA: That is out of the question.

There has never been such a thing as a working-class Bach.

And there never will be.

Step. Step. Arthur.

I've reached a decision.

The Bach family must endure. And not on a subway.

Arthur, your children will be senators, ambassadors.

Perhaps even a president.

Arthur, you have your $750 million.

All right.

I don't know, Martha. You don't know?

Money has screwed me up my whole life. I know.

I've always been rich, and I've never been happy.

I've always been poor, and I've usually been happy.

Rubbish. I've always been rich, and I've always been happy.

Would you make me a tuna fish sandwich?


I'm gonna have a tuna fish sandwich, Martha.


Step. MARTHA: Arthur.

Arthur. I demand that you take this money.

I want a decision, and I want it now.

I can't tell you what a lousy wedding that was, Bitterman.


Bitterman, goodbye. Thank you. I'm going.

Goodbye, sir. It was a pleasure working for you.

Chauffeurs rarely get to laugh. Thank you.

Goodbye, Bitterman. Goodbye, miss.

Arthur, I'm going. Open that door, Rockland.

Ever been on a yacht? No. Is it wonderful?

It doesn't suck.

Arthur, I shall never offer you this money again.

I wish you luck in your poverty.

Excuse me.

LINDA: What...? What happened?

Oh, I turned her down. Oh.

Well, she invited us for dinner, and I said we're having a tuna fish sandwich.

So I turned her down.

I took the money. I mean, I'm not crazy.


Bitterman, do you wanna double your salary?

Yes, sir. Then open that door.

Right away. Is that funny?


Where to, sir?

The park, Bitterman. Drive through the park.

You know how I love the park.

LINDA: Get in. Step. ARTHUR: Step.