As Cool as I Am (2013) Script

Everybody has two families: The stable family, we pretend to have and then there's the real people we are related to.

My best friend Kenny says stable families make boring children.

And by stable families, I think he means the kind where mom, and dad and kids all live in the same house all the time.

And by boring, he means not as cool as we are.

Still and undisputed, universal masters of the jungle gym!

I'm getting too old for the super sonic death spiral.

Lucy, play is the great educator.

Alright, it's sole purpose is to prepare juvenile animals for adulthood.

It's not play if you puke your guts out.

Hey, when'd you say your dad's gonna be home?

I guess I'll see you in a week then.

Hey, I'm not going to ditch you just 'cause my dad's home.

Lucy. It's fine... just go.

It's fine... I'm cool here. Yeah?

You go! Okay!

Mom says she fell in love with dad because he was fun and goofy and everything felt bigger when he is around.

And he's still that way.

Except since dad's a lumberjack, he's only home four or five times a year.

When dad's here, we stop everything.

Mom stays home, I skip school, it's like a vacation.

I don't know when I first started to notice the argument my parents weren't having.

Hey, let's go out for breakfast.

I'm not a kid anymore. It won't help.

Yeah, you are. And yeah, it will... Come on!

We're lucky your dad has a job. You always say that.

We're all doing the best we can.

Is lying to dad about your job doing the best we can?

He's out there working his butt off to support us. It would hurt his feelings.

So, should I lie to you about what I'm doing to protect your feelings?

I'm surprised you don't do it more already.

I would. If I did anything interesting enough to actually lie about.

Don't worry honey, you will! Just give it time.

Mom pretends she doesn't have a job when dad's here.

She says it's because dad's kind of old school about family roles.

If you ask me, it's kind of lame that her secret identity is being a telemarketer.


Mom? What? Straight home.

I don't even have my license yet.

Oh! You're a natural! I mean, think of all the kids you know with licenses, are any of them more capable than you? It'll be fun.

Well, wait! How are you going to get home?

If I can't find a ride in this outfit, I deserve to walk.

So you're saying she isn't that great?

No, Scott! I'm saying you don't have to say out loud each random thought that you have.

I bet you she's really great. You can always tell the ones that are gonna be dirty, freaky sluts.

Oh yeah... Juicy Lucy. Ooh... you like that. Ooh yeah!

Huh? Yeah!

Ooh... yeah.

Sorry. You're dead, Kenny.

You're... you're totally dead.

You're deader than death! Hey!

Hey! You're gonna wish you were dead!

I saw your dad leave this morning.

I'll tear your guts out and feed 'em to the rats!

I'll rip your head off and piss down the hole!

I'll bet if he did manually decapitate you, and position your body in just the right angle, I'll bet he still couldn't You're gonna wish you were dead. get a stream of urine going.

Yuck it up, dead boy. Hey Scott, what if I kissed you?

For real! Would you leave Kenny alone?

Yeah. Lucy, what are you doing?

Lucy. Oh, come on... Lucy.

So you promise you won't hurt Kenny?

You're a terrible kisser.

What the hell? Who would want to get with you anyway.

We believe you are our greatest resource, and so to that end we plan to invest in you.

I'm happy to introduce to you one of the top telemarketing performance coaches in the state, Guy Carlsberg.

At the very base of our lives is meaning.

And this meaning provides direction.

All of our actions are driven by our most basic beliefs.

It's this base of meaning, that prevents us from drifting through an empty existence at work, at home in our relationships... really in all aspects of our lives.

I can't believe I almost made it to sixteen without seriously kissing anyone.

And then the first one is Scott Booker.

You know, memory is malleable.

What does that have to do with Scott trying to lick the back of my throat?

It means that, every time that you tell a story, it changes a little bit in your memory, so... you could say that I was your first kiss, and then after awhile, it would be kind of like Scott never happened.

Kenny, I still got dirt in my mouth.

Yeah, I know. You wouldn't have to actually kiss me, I'm just saying.

I'm thinking of shaving my head.

Well, you'll probably look pretty cool.

I don't want to look cool.

You'd have to kiss me.

What? To change the memory thing.

You'd have to do it.

All right.

So of course when you start your soffritto what's really important is to remember that you're only as good as your pantry ingredients.

Now there's always in my world, two different kinds of olive oil.

The one that I cook with, keep in mind that they're both extra virgin.

One that I cook with, and one that I finish with. The difference is about 30 bucks.

Then you gotta evaluate your entire pantry ingredients.

I'm adding a little sea salt. Sea salt from Trapani.

And then, I also like to use a little bit of extra virgin olive oil to finish with.

Now this is... they're both from a similar region...

You know the bad kid always sits in the back of the class.

What? Are you calling me bad?

I bet the boring kids with the stable families, don't have the beautiful mom who goes to work in stripper heels.

Bye, thank you!


Missing your dad? Yeah!

So now, we've got our condiment going.

We've got our noodles in the water...

We had a seminary thingy at work today.

Turns out I'm drifting through an empty meaningless existence.

See... I tried to tell you.


How is this show always on? I record it.

I kissed two boys today. So I probably ruined my whole life.

Was there tongue? What?

No, it's gross!


Well, then you're probably not ruined quite yet.

Do you want to go down to the river? We could.

Could if you want.

It's not like we did anything wrong.

Yeah! I know.

Okay! So don't say stuff like we could if you want.

What kind of way is that to talk to me.

Holy shit!


That's the one I'm gonna remember.


I think I just gave him a seizure.

Okay, so now the calamari is perfectly tender...

Kenny... are you epileptic?

Chicken Caesar... yeah, you're gonna have to dress it yourself.

If I dress it now, the leaves will turn all soggy by lunch time.

I expect you to cultivate a deeper basic meaning in your own life.

Okay, you're using actual English words that I recognise but I have no idea what you're saying.

I don't want you to end up like me.

Mom, that has always been one of my life ambitions.

Okay! Good girl.

I love you. Go!

I'll see you later.

Hello Miss Burgenham. My name is Lainee calling on behalf of Premier Interworks.

Goddamn it. I'm on the federal no-call list. Get a new job, you loser.

All right, let me hear what you guys got.

They're restructuring our work schedule...

- know, because of the new trial... Overtime on a Sunday?

- I won't be late, I promise. Mom, I made a pork and lamb ragu!

- More people are home on weekends. Yeah, okay.

You know it makes more sense to call. I'm really, really sorry, Lucy.

Yeah, me too. - Okay, bye!


Hey, want to stay for dinner?

I can't. Please?

You know my mom doesn't like to eat alone.

So invite her over!

What? Are you ashamed of me or something?

I'll give you some sauce to take home.

I wish my dad were here.

You know how I say about dreaming big?


Well, in my bigger life... I get to eat dinner with you every single night.

I'm gonna cook you the most amazing meals.

So, the penne is just about 30 seconds left to being perfectly cooked.

What you want to do at that point is take it out.

Maybe if I found dad a job here, we could be a real family.

Mom would have to quit working. Everything would be perfect.

I lost my parents at 16. And there is my boyfriend, Ron.

And Chuck... I mean my husband.

And I had Lucy at seventeen.

I was pretty much a total mess.

You probably hear this all the time but you've made me see myself in this whole other...


It's so much loss at such a young age,

and we all heal at our own pace.

Is this something I'm gonna need to lie about?

Lucy, what're you doing?

What am I doing? It's 5 a.m.!

Oh, I- I'm sorry, Lucy. I should've called.

I fell asleep at my desk.

And where were you calling, Uzbekistan?

I just came home to shower, and change clothes and then it's straight back to work to start the whole thing all over again.

And that's the best you can do? "I fell asleep at my desk?"

You know... it's been a long night.

Yeah! It's been a long night here, too.

Nice clogs.

Nice transsexual beauty queen costume.

You know school's back today. I knew that.

I was just checking.

I didn't know how much you'd forgotten about your alleged family life.

Well, have a great day, honey... okay! I'm gonna be back home early tonight.

Are you gonna need to be congratulated for that?

All right, so just, um... remember, no sexual energy. Okay?

I mean, if these people even sense that we're going out, we'd be ripped to shreds.

Hey! We're going out?

I don't... I mean, I don't know... I thought we might...

Why? Because of all the massive spring break makeout sessions?

Yeah, because of that! It was 100 percent platonic.

Just become invisible. Try to keep your animal desires under wraps.

Oh... it'll be a tremendous struggle.


I mean, we're just these trained poodles jumping through hoops.

High school's not intended to challenge our intellect, it doesn't even prepare us for anything real in life.

I mean what? After four years of poodle-training we graduate, and if we're really lucky ours parents get to spend thousands of dollars on four more years of higher poodle education... Hey... what's up, Lucy?


Where have you been? I never see you out or anything.

There's a party after the game on Friday.

I don't go to parties.

You should definitely start going to parties.

I'll text you the address. I'll see you there.

How can you go off about poodle theory, when you're Mister Straight-A 4.0?

How does Justin Havens have your cell number?

I don't know.

I don't even know how he knows my name.

I don't get a 4.0, I always get a B in something. Why?

I got the power! That's very "gangsta" of you.

We're doomed. You're too beautiful to be invisible anymore.

Please don't say that!

Beautiful people are shallow and self-absorbed.

And come on... they never grow up. Geez, Kenny!

Aah... geez, Kenny...

So you're lookin' for a job? Maybe.

And you think you have a shot at General Contractor?

Just taking a look at what's out there.

How was school? The same.

The seminar thing was about pride today.

Go figure.

You're what I take pride in you know... raising you.

I don't know how much credit I can take but I'm really proud of who you are.

Mom, what is the deal with hand jobs?

How do you know if you're doing the right th-

Lucy, please. I'm sorry, okay!

I'm going to a party Friday night with Kenny.

Well, that sounds like fun.

Probably not.

But I do feel strong parental avoidance phase coming on.

This is epic.

You know there are people who actually look back on high school as being, like, the best time of their lives.

Arm flying. Hey, I knew you'd come.

Hey... Kenny, right? Hey ya, Timmo. Get us beered up, buddy.

Man, I thought the catcher was going to cry after he miffed the tag at me on home plate. I know!

You were amazing. I did it all for you.

We drinking here or what?

Rage! Rage?

To rage!

It's like I was saying at break, homie, don't be sleepin' on the sophomores, man.

To Lucy Diamond. The hottest bitch in North Central High.

Hey, who are you calling a bitch?

You're adorable.

Make a hole. Vomit express!

Kenny! He's fine.

He's fine. He just needs a little air.

Hey! What?

Hey, you have a delusional sense of confidence.


One... step... at a time.

You okay?

Can you please don't do that?


I love you, Lucy. I do! Oh, Kenny... Kenny!

Kenny! You are not in love. You're drunk.

Justin said that... that you're hot and you love him now.

Justin's a meat-head. I mean, he's cute but dumb! He doesn't even get sarcasm.

You know... you think he's cute! No. I don't think he's cute. Come on!

No, I don't think he's cute. Okay, you are so heavy.

Don't step in that! Yeah...


I'm home!

- Chuck? Lainee?

Hey, babe.

Come here! There's my girl. How are ya'?

Make me a muscle. Dad!

No more sawing. I wanna be a chef.

All done being daddy's little lumberjack, huh?

Welcome home. So... what's happened?

So... you left March 12th at eight fifteen. Mom and I went to the diner's. She got an omelet, I had pancakes and they...

Yeah... okay, then what? I drove home!

You drove home? Yeah!

In town?

Well, mom told me to come straight home, but I did go to the park.

Wait, mom let you drive alone?

Dad, I was... I was just trying to impress Kenny.

And there was this other guy there who made me kiss him, so...


Some bitch-tarded assholian made you kiss Kenny? No, dad!

Some skanky guy, Scott, and I had to!

He was gonna beat up Kenny if I didn't...

Scott! Scott who? Dad, it was nothing.

It was just stupid playground stuff and he...

All right... okay! Where was the person formerly known as your mother when all this kissing and driving was going on?

Dad! She was going to be late so I had to drop her off... Late? Late for what?

Good morning. Lainee... what the hell is going on?

I don't know what I was thinking, Chuck.

I just... Mom, I told him about the job.

A job?

What do I need... Do you want me to send more money?

Are you having trouble paying the bills?

It's something to do, Chuck!

It gets really lonely. What exactly do you picture me doing when you're gone?

I picture you raising our daughter.

I have been raising our daughter by myself for nearly 16 years.


Lucy. I'm freezing. Move over.

Sorry. I'm sorry.


You know I love you, don't you? That was sex, Kenny. Not love.

Lucy, I'm serious. I gotta go!

Hello? Lucy?



Lucy! You got company.

There was a really bad famine in the 3rd century.

And this butcher lured 3 little boys into the shop, murdered them, and soaked them in a barrel of brine.

That must have been, like, a huge barrel. Well, he chopped 'em up!

He was gonna sell 'em as hams.

But then Saint Nicholas... brought the little boys back to life.

Saint Nich-- like "Santa Claus" Saint Nicholas?

Yeah, a lot of people don't know that about him.

I didn't. So what, then they were like little boy zombies or something?

Well, you really didn't believe in Santa elves, did you?

No I didn't, No... no, you gotta... I guess not, yeah.

Hi. Hey.

Hey, I thought we should get a head start on our homework so it's not hanging over our head all weekend.

Yeah... um, there's cookies inside. Yeah.

So, there's a pill you can take to keep from getting pregnant.

It's a emergency contraception plan B pill. I got it at Planned Parenthood.

You went there?

So even in the spirit of Easter, you're saying bringin' people back from the dead is not such a good thing.

Well, I mean if it's a full on miracle with no side effects like brain damage, or motor control, then yeah... it's a good thing but I think the grey area moralistically is in the quality of life after resuscitation.

Sure! Like if you smelled like pickles.

Right! See... that's no good, you know.

I got that! Homework?

Hello! - Chuck, this is Libby.

Oh... hey, how're you doing?

It's best to take the pill before 72 hours from this morning.

I already took it.

I tell you what, I've got a better idea.

Why don't you guys come over here for brunch?

Are you sure? That's kind of you, but...

Yeah! Lucy always makes a mountain of food, and they're like brother and sister already, so... you know, we're already like family. - Okay!

11 o'clock on Sunday? - All right.

Fantastic! All right, I'll see you then.

We're gonna have Easter brunch on Sunday together. How great is that?

Did you know that I used to babysit your mom?

Of course she does.

Remember I told you about the babysitter who puked in our jack o'lantern? Oh, I'd forgotten all about that!

And weren't you the one... didn't you... What? give Lainee's cousin the teething toy that you found in her mother's underwear drawer?

I was 14. I had no idea why the women were so upset and the men couldn't stop laughing.

It was a vibrator.

Yeah, I got there on my own. Thank you.

So then Lucy, winds up having to kiss this shitdiculous kid Scott something, Scott...


Scott Booker.

Scott Booker. Scott McSmell-ass Booker. Yes!

Apparently to save Kenny from getting a beating.

See, that's completely unfair.

Hey, uh, let's do that thing where we all go round and say what we're thankful for.

I don't understand, what's unfair? That's Thanksgiving...

Teenage boys have feelings too. Did it occur to you that Scott or Kenny might have been embarrassed or upset by what happened?

I'll start! Uh, I am thankful to live in a country...

I can tell you all about teenage boys and their penis-centric feelings.

...nonfiction novel and reality television. Ooh, that's such a stupid over-generalization.

I am thankful for the Molto Italiano cookbook which I got directions...

It's just as hard to be a teenage boy as it is to be a teenage girl. Isn't that right, Kenny?

As a former pregnant teenager, I have to say it's way tougher being the girl.

Lainee, I know you were lost in your grief and your anger when your parents died.

And... and even Chuck dropped out of high school.

Everyone said he'd a chance at playing college ball.

I don't want Kenny to have to give up his life like Chuck did.

Kenny has just as much at risk in a sexual relationship as Lucy does.

What the effing shit?

I think the issue isn't so much who has a more difficult time, I think it's challenging for all adolescents...

Lainee, you didn't know? All right...

I don't need you to tell me what you think my daughter is doing...

Nothing is being taught in the schools...

And I don't have to standby and pretend that there's nothing I can do about it.

The real issue is how do we hold society more accountable?

That's enough!

Are you making accusations against our daughter?

How dare you?

And I didn't give up my life. My family IS my life.

You know in the eastern religions they, uh... they believe that our entire lives are just an illusion, you know, that none of this is actually real.

The Buddhists call it samsara.

Hey... hey!

Who's a good boy?

Well... Happy samsara Easter. You know I didn't tell her anything.

I know.

Our parents are never to be within 500 yards of each other.

That's an absolute imperative.

I don't want to have sex again.

It's not because of your mom or my dad.

I just want to wait till we're older. Okay.

That's it? Okay?

Hello, Chica.

Do you know how long we've been doing this?

Easter leftover feast for the dogs? Since we were eight.

Right, and we've been friends since we were six.

That's ten years, Lucy. You know, most marriages don't even last that long.

I just want us to last.

I thought guys were supposed to have a sexual thought every 30 seconds?

I didn't say I wouldn't think about it.

Hey! No alcohol. Agreed, but... you realise this make us like thoroughly abnormal, right?

We could always take up smoking?

Yeah, or um, latex bondage. I hear that's fun.


Hey, Lucy. Look what I went and found.

Here you go.


I was raised in Saint Bartholomew's orphanage.

And while I realise that was a pretty strict upbringing and a different time... we didn't force girls to do things back then.

Yes, sir!

Dad, it wasn't even his i--

Do you know what happened to Saint Bartholomew?

No, sir!

They took a knife and they skinned his feet.

And he's alive, he's watching this happen. Now, they just want one big piece of skin. So, you know... they're taking their time. One long slice up the leg... and they carefully peeled the skin away from the muscle.

Now, most people would die when they reached the mid-section, but Bartholomew is one of the apostles.

He's still alive, even after they skin his face off his skull.

Dad... come on! There is no reason he...

Your apology should be so sincere, that it breaks my heart.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Lucy. I really didn't mean it. I really am sorry.

Real men treat women with respect.

Say it. Real men treat women with respect.

Have a good Easter, Scott.

Scott, I'm so...

Scott was scared to dead. I made him apologize to Lucy.

Lucy's out driving around... Well, you'll be lucky if his family doesn't press charges.

Oh please! You have your job now, right?

So somebody had to make time for parenting.

You call that parenting?

What... I'm not enough to get jealous about anymore, you have to throw Lucy in too?

Anything I need to be jealous about? What should I be jealous about?

Go cool off before you do something really stupid.

Mom, are you okay?

Yeah, I will be.

Hello? - How's the hottest bitch

- at North Central High? Would you stop calling me that!

Boy troubles? This jerk won't leave me alone.

Well, get used to it.

Hey sweetie. I just called work, they're short a couple of guys.

They can't even get the schedule right.

Same old, same old.

What... you're leaving?

Yes, I just called work. They're short a couple of guys. I gotta go.

Jesus, Chuck, you're lying! You are lying right to my face!

Now I'm the liar? I'm the one that keeps us going, lady.

You think you make enough with your little job to pay for all this?

I'm leaving because I have to work! Somebody has to work...

You know what? Go, just go then. Run away if you can't handle it here...

Everyday life here is way more than you wanna put up with...


How is the hottest bitch at North Central High?

Building self-esteem is one thing, but maintaining a high level of esteem requires that you incorporate the things you learn into your life and make them a habit for you.

What a piece of shit!

Hey. Hey.

So you want to add a little bit of herb at the end... a little fresh parsley, a little bit...

Kenny says we hit rock bottom with the Easter freak feast.

I'd always pictured rock bottom with way more hard drugs and bad cooking.

So in this last 30 seconds is when everything really great, that can happen can, but also when it could be a disaster.

And that'll get you in the right spot, and then you take it to the plate.


I got your text. What's going on?

I'm okay! Just... Hey!

You don't actually seem that okay.

Do you remember that morning I came into your room?

Well, I think we can improve on that memory.

What about our abstinence promise?

It will be like a do-over.

Do-overs don't count.

I have to go live with my dad.


They changed my parenting plan.

Apparently my dad's really been working his sobriety.

They can't make you move clear across the state.

We're minors. They can make me do anything they want.

They'll have to wait until the school years over...

No, Lucy... power corrupts. And parental power corrupts absolutely.

Is this because of me, I mean... because of us?

Probably. My God!

We are stupid. We have ruined everything.



Where's Kenny? Don't know.

Hey, you know what happened right there?

You! You happened right there.

That is something I never needed to know.

Your dad was the only man I've had sex with until this year.

Mom, I... come on!

Geez, Kenny... where are you?

Max tits to the masses, cutting classes... smacking them asses...

What up, shorty? No, look... seriously. There's a really great party tonight.

Everyone's gonna be there.

It's too bad I hate everyone or else I'll be there too.

You're weird, you know but in a super hot way.

You're clueless, you know but in a dull and obvious way.

I see your future, Lucy Diamond! You will lighten up and you will have fun.

In high school, I thought I was gonna be famous.

Famous for what?

I don't know. I just...

I just didn't think I was gonna end up so... so regular.

You know... boring.

My parents died in a car crash when I was in high school, so... after that I kinda stood out. Jesus!

And Chuck was an orphan so I figured he was the only person who could understand me.

He sort of rescued you? No, that was Lucy.

She forced me to fight my way back to regular and boring.

Oh, there's nothing about you that's regular or boring.

He hasn't been in school all week. He wouldn't just leave!

He's really not here, Lucy. - No, I'm coming over there.

Justin said you'd want to ride with us to the party.

I got this for you. Seemed like you weren't into beer.

Saint Jude. Huh?

Patron saint of lost causes? Beaten to death with a club and beheaded 1st century AD?

Isn't that a Beatles song?

Nice car. Does it go fast?

High school hero can't dance? No?

Are you gonna rap or are you gonna dance? Come on!

I can dance. I can dance.

I think your girlfriend's kinda jealous of us talking.

Who? Jaime? No, me and her broke-up a long time ago.

What? They don't think I'm good enough to, like, hang out with you guys?

Yeah, well, she's wrong about that. Yeah.

You are drunk. I know.

Come on. Yeah?

Okay, everyone's kind of staring at us now.

Let them watch! Okay...

Okay, you've got to give them a show.

Come on! I don't even have my sweat-shirt off.


Come on... I can't even move my arms.

Hey, stop!

Come on, cut it out. That hurts... cut it out.

That was awesome!

Does the word "consensual" mean anything to you?

What did you think was gonna happen?

I need you... I need you to leave.

Hey, you okay? Does it actually look like I'm okay?

Why do you smell like vomit?

How many possible answers can there be to that question?

Kenny is gone.

He didn't even say goodbye.

Oh Lucy, honey. I'm so sorry.

Someone gave me peppermint schnapps at the party.

Once I got sick on cinnamon schnapps.

Now I gag a little every time I walk past a Cinnabon.

Hey Mom... Yeah?

I puked inside my shirt.

It's been my experience, parents usually know more than you think they do.

My dad's away working.

It might help both of you to let your mother know.

She'd think I ended up just like her.

Evidence I collect today can be held anonymously for 30 days.

You have that amount of time to decide if you want to file a police report.

There's a drug, Combivir, it would help prevent you from getting HIV.

Like AIDS... HIV?

It has to be taken for 3 weeks and the side-effects are intense like a really bad flu.


I'm a sophomore in high school. I've- I've kissed a total of 3 boys.

It's a medication I would encourage you to consider, given the situation.

Hey... hey! How are you? I... I tried calling.

I've been really worried.

Hey Lucy! Wait up.

I'm not Justin. I'm not like him, Lucy. I didn't do anything.

No, you didn't do anything. You didn't say anything.

You just let him think it was okay.

Yeah, well... I don't think he's gonna listen to anything...

Okay... well, congratulations because you are so much the better person! It's impressive!

Sorry, I left without saying goodbye. In my bigger life, I'm way more mature than that, and not such a detestable chicken-shit.

How you feeling?

Like I'm covered in cold ants and I wanna puke through my eyes.

I can't believe you have the flu on your birthday.

Yeah... rotten luck, huh? Wanna open dad's first?


Wow. Life-time achievement award for worst present ever.

I think they're adorable.

Is that from Kenny? Yeah.

Oh, those are pretty bottles.

It's olive oil.


Must be good stuff.

It's really, really good.

Something smells great!

Oh... It's just chicken.

I didn't have time to plan anything more elaborate.

Oh, I didn't know you were fixing anything.

It's my birthday! I'm so sorry. I... I...

I just thought that we would go out together when you were feeling better.

You know, I'll... I'll sit with you while you eat.

Hey mom! You don't have to.

No, I'm gonna call and cancel. This is- Mom...

Honestly, that would just make it worse.

I'm fine.

So with this dish, I recommend a delicate, dry white wine from the Friuli or from the Veneto.

My favorite is Pinot Grigio, redolent with the greenness in the hills of the eastern side of the Friulian mountains.

If I hadn't had sex with Kenny... If I had been more strict with Mom...

If I had made it clear to Dad that we need him here...

If I hadn't been such a stupid, drunken dumbass who didn't even consider something hideous could happen...

...and you sprinkle with just a little bit of toasted sliced almonds.

Hey, I got your postcard.

Yeah, well, just because I send you a postcard everyday doesn't mean I think about you all the time.

- That would be blatantly pathetic. Yeah... yeah, even for me.

I had this dream where we were at the jungle gym.

Wait, I'm confused. I thought that was real life.

No, no... listen.

In the dream, we started at the jungle gym, and we walked in opposite directions until we met on the other side of the world.

And then I thanked you for

- always having my back. Yeah...?

Shut up!

You know what we should do this summer? There's an Italian class at the library and it's free and we could both take it and we could...

It's just my dad already signed me up for summer classes at the college here.

That's stupid.

But, hey, there's a week right before school starts again and...

- What? Before school starts? Well, it wasn't my idea, okay?

Kenny, you're kidding me? You're telling me I'm not gonna

- see you all summer. That's crazy! Lucy! Lucy... Lucy...

Hey! I...

Okay, I imagine you think you're being devoted and persistent but this is known as stalking. Okay, I promise...

I will leave you alone.

Oh, so you're stalking me just to promise to leave me alone this summer?

Please just let me say one thing, okay?

I- I have been... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...

Oh, it's too late to start thinking.

Just stick to mindlessly following your peer group.

Yeah, about that peer group thing... Yo... incoming!

Whoa-ho! Hard-core move there, dude.

Oh, it's gonna be like that, huh?

- All right! I feel like I need to make amends for my part in that.

Always picking on my rebounds, huh... Timmy boy.

Damn. Way to step up, Tim.

- Justin, you just got dissed! Hey, you and me...

Hey, um, I'm going fishing. Do you think you might want to come along?

I only just stopped thinking of you as a heinous asshole.

Okay, it's just fishing. It's to celebrate the end of the school year. And to show you I'm not a heinous asshole. It doesn't mean anything.

Okay, maybe!

Well, you know when Mario Batali was our age, he was living in Spain.

I live in a region that's famous for it's chicken fried steak.

I'm so far behind in my life.

You know I read that, uh, women who have had more than one sexual partner are later more content in their marriages.

Wow, that's statistically really romantic of you, Mr. Out of Leftfield.

You know if you ever do decide to hook up with someone else, just don't tell me about it, okay. I mean... I...

I have a really visual imagination. I don't need those pictures in my head.

You're telling me, you want me to lie to you?

Yes, please. Lie your ass off. Just be convincing.

I should warn ya', I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy.

You like to wear tighty-whities and listen to Bob Seger and ZZ Top?

No... I mean, I believe in goin' slow.

You mean with sex? Yeah.

No, I just think... you know... real intimacy is physical and emotional, right?

I just... I feel like I need to really know someone before we can...


No, kissing would be okay.

But not the full on horizontal bop?

Aw, now you're making fun of me.

No, no, no, I'm serious. No, no... you're making fun of me.

You have no idea how cool I think that is.

It's cool.

I get all the love songs now, they didn't use to make sense to me before!

He's married, isn't he?

Why do you say things like that?

I hate that you're right all the time.

I'm a complete pessimist so the odds are always with me.

Why do people stay together? In bad relationships, I mean.

They eat so much shit for so long, they don't even recognize the taste of it after a while.

So you think I've been eating shit, don't you?

Lucy, wait! No, it's okay. I want to.

Do they have to be oyster mushrooms?

How do you tell which ones are the oyster mushrooms?

Like a lightish-brown, kind of fan shaped.


Wait, I'm gonna ask somebody.


Never mind, I'll be home in a little bit.

Shit, shit! Quickly, quickly!

Hey, kiddo!

What you want? Is this your favorite?

- Is that your favorite? Yeah!

Quick, quick! Put your jeans on!



Come on! Get in there! Get in there! Ah!

Hello... hello?

Anyone here?


Hello? Bob?

Hey! I'm with the family now.

Is that your estranged wife that you have your arm around right now?

The one you can't stand to touch?

Um... er, uh...

Please leave, please, please please... Lainee!

Jeff? Is that... is that you?

Just because we didn't have sex does not mean you weren't cheating.

You should know that, you're being unfaithful to everyone around you.


Dad, it's just me.


I'm coming over there if you keep this up.

Look, uh, no don't! Look, I'll just... lemme go to the...

Mr. Diamond... I'm Tim, I'm sorry that we had to meet this way Just one second.


Tim, will you stop!


Listen, don't make a scene. No, you made a scene! This is entirely and completely your "old-fashioned guy" kind of scene!

Hey, sweet-sweetie, look I got you these.

Why don't you go put that in the... in the cart with Mommy, huh?

We love each other. We're going to get married.

No, we do not. We are not... just go!

Daddy... daddy, are you okay?

And Saint Agatha was forced into a brothel, but no man... could, y' know... enter her.

Those who even dared to touch her got sick and died.

She was thrown into the prison and tortured.

Her breasts were crushed and then cut off.

She was forced to roll in hot coals.

But throughout it all, she refused to give up her virginity.

So, I should wanna be tortured and mutilated rather than have sex with a guy I really like?

Is that the moral to the story?

This is not the person I want you to be, Lucy.

Who do you want me to be? You want me to be like mom who, as it happens, you got pregnant when you were both exactly my age.

Your mother and I gave up everything. We got married to have you.

What? How about if I'm a self-centered, immature controlling high school drop-out who uses every excuse not to be with my family?

Is that the person you want me to be?

You're such an awesome role model, dad.

No one needs you showing up every three months to provide your moral guidance.

I got it! I got it.

We could get a restraining order.

Why? He'll just come back in a few months and everything will be the same.

I don't want that!

Are you and dad over, then?

We were over a long, long time ago.

I wish my parents were still alive.

Do you miss them?

Yeah, but I miss them more for you.

I wish you had them. Grandparents would've been kind of cool.

I came from a good family, you know?

And any mess I've made of my life, I have no one to blame but myself.

There's no one I want to talk to... Except Kenny and you.

Hello. - Lainee, is that you?

Ron? - It's me.

Oh, my God! - I know, right...

- I just thought that I... Ron!

Where are you? - Well, actually I'm...

You know it's been years and years and years.

Well, you... you friended me on Facebook...

Well, no, I know I did. - So I tried to get your number...

This is not the person I want you to be.


Did dad ever try to find his parents? What?

I thought maybe that's why he was gone all the time.

Hey, you know what I was thinking? No, almost never.

We get a way for awhile. We take a little road trip.

Ron was saying that his parents own a restaurant in Fairview.


As in your high school boyfriend, Ron?

Well, we could have dinner with Ron.

And then just you and me, we could stay for a few days.

Why would we do that? Because we never do anything!

We deserve something fun. And 'cause, it's got... you know all that nature and beauty stuff goin' on.

I guess... Okay, great!

Well, go pack! 'Cause, if we're gonna go, we should hit the road.

Ron parents own the "Two Sister's Cafe"?

You've heard of it? You haven't heard of it?

Ron's been helping them out past couple weeks.

He's supposed to leave this morning but he said he'd wait for us if we came up.

You done?

Hi, Lainee.

This is Lucy. Oh... hi!

...and Dad made "Top Ten Chefs in the Southwest."

Oh, okay...

...I'm glad they're sealed...

I hear you cook? Yeah.

...we just got this brand new puppy right here...

Would you stop staring?

I like him. Yeah, me too.

He's kind of like your Kenny. Yeah, maybe.

Ron owns a restaurant on the beach. It's like a really high-end place.

What beach? Puerto Vallarta.

The Puerto Vallarta that's in Mexico?

He'd like us to come down there. Like a vacation?

Ron really, really likes you, Lucy. You could work at a professional kitchen. We could learn to speak Spanish.

It's the kind of vacation where I get a job?

He needs to leave tonight. It would take a couple of days to get down there but we could all get to know each other better in the car.

You realize that's insane, right?

I think that's probably part of the appeal.

Remember when you told me that you and dad were done?

Oh actually no, wait. That's was today!

No... no! This is not about me and your dad.

No? So what is it about?

Because it is not about me working in a professional kitchen.

It'll be fun! Mom, stop! We're not doing this.

You're not the one who decides. I'm the mom and you're the kid.

Based on what?

Your great sense of responsibility or your amazing problem-solving skills?

You want us to move to Puerto Vallarta with some stranger from, for all you know...

No! He's not a stranger!

Lucy, please! I have to know, I have to do this!

Have to know what? How awesome your life would've been if I hadn't have been born?

God, no! No, Lucy, you're the only thing that's turned out right.

You're... everything!

I just... I just can't do it anymore.

Can't do what? Be my mom?

I just...

...feel like I'm... like I'm dying.


I need something. I need... something else.

I need to... belong.

I need to find something.

Okay, mom.

If you need to go... go.

I can't go without you. I'm 16. I'm not pregnant.

I'm not getting married.

Who can take better care of me than me?

No, Lucy, I...

You're gonna make me run away to Mexico with you and your high school boyfriend? No!

You go.

I... I can maybe go for... for two weeks.


I'll give you the ATM card. Okay.

Okay, two weeks. Okay.

Jean-Paul Sartre said we experience a sense of being abandoned when we realize there is no God.

- Or in this case parents to guide us. I love you.

But it forces us to take absolute responsibility for our actions and choices.

I think I'm responsible.

You're the most responsible person that I know.

Well, you don't know that many people. Still, I know of lots of people.

Did you hear me before? I did.

Thanks for having my back.

Always have.

Always will.

Please don't hate me for this. I'll call you every day.

My dad'll be back in an hour or so... so I'm sure he'd love to meet you. Yeah, I'll be back when he gets here.

Hi, I'm Lucy Diamond.

My name's Gerald.

My mom's the one who ran away to Mexico with your son.

Yeah, that kind of circled back around, didn't it?

Are you hungry? What are we serving?

Eggs in hell. Oh, no offense, it's just 'cause of the sauce.

None taken.

Actually saw this place on the Food Network.

Really? Yeah.

Well, we do okay for a little cafe stuck out in the middle of nowhere.

Nicely done. The jalapeƱo doesn't overpower the other flavors.

This is like a... plate of home-cooked Americana.


You know, if you like this, I make a mean risotto.

Oh, I love risotto. Yeah.

It's comfort food.

Here's how I think my bigger life will look.

My parents split up.

I graduate from the Culinary Institute.

Kenny gets a PhD in something brainy and world-changing.

Later I publish a best-selling cookbook based on the recipes from my restaurant.

Mario Batali writes the introduction.

Hey, if memory is malleable,