It's tulip season today, and I'm so happy.
Come on, sweetie.
Yes, come on now, sweetheart.
Go for a little ride, then you can whiz all over the city.
Go for a ride.
Come on, sweetie.
Freeze! Leg down, leg down.
That's it. Come on now.
No, you monkey-eared son of a bitch!
You have pissed your last floor.
Bet you wish you were a real dog.
Oh, you dog-eared monkey.
This is New York.If you can make it here. you can make it anywhere... you ugly, smelly...
Where's my good doggie? Verdell?
Come here, sweetheart.
Mr. Udall? Mm-hmm?
Have you seen Verdell?
What does he look like?
My dog. You know, my...
My dog with the little, adorable face.
Don't you know what my dog looks like?
Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog.
I thought it was the name of that colored man I see in the hall.
Which color was that?
Like thick molasses... with a broad nose... Frank! perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.
Simon, you've got to get dressed. Frank Sachs, Melvin Udall.
How are you doin'?
Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall.
I think you know that. People are gonna start coming.
What I know is that as long as you keep your work zipped up around me...
I don't give a rat crap what or where you shove your show.
Are we done being neighbors for now?
Let me talk to you... No! Not worth it.
Definitely not worth it. Verdell must be in the apartment.
Hope you find him. Love that dog.
You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.
One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Hot. Hot, hot, hot.
Hi, Carl. Frank, where is he?
Isn't he here? He lives here. Take it easy.
He had a little thing with the dog. It's not such a hot-looking dog.
Who buys more than me? He isn't the only one working.
Good Lord. Where have you been?
Oh, look at my boy.
Look at him.
I found him, Mr. Bishop. I know you did. We know you did.
Where was my little baby?
In the basement garbage bin eating diaper shit.
Go ahead,John. You earned your fun. Sorry. It just struck me.
It's funny. Oh, wait.
How did he get down in the basement... even if he got in the elevator?
Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him down the garbage chute?
Somewhere in the dark...
Somewhere in the dark... she had confessed, and he had forgiven.
"This is what you live for," he said.
"Two heads on a pillow, where all is approval... and there is only the safety... of being with each other."
How, she wondered, could she find such hope... in the most shameful part of her?
At last she was able to define love.
Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you, please.
Let me do this by myself.
Love was... Are you in there?
Son of a bitch!
Pansy-ass stool pusher.
Maybe this can wait.
I found Verdell.
Well, that's a load off.
Uh-huh. Did you do something to him?
Do you realize that I work at home?
I wasn't aware.
Do you like to be interrupted when you're nancing around in your garden?
No. I actually... will turn the ringer off on my phone and put cardboard...
Well, I work all the time... so never, never interrupt me, okay?
Not if there's a fire.
Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home... and one week later there's a smell coming from there... that can only be a decaying human body... and you have to hold a hanky to your face... because the stench is so thick you think you're gonna faint.
Even then, don't come knocking.
Or if it's election night... and you're excited and you want to celebrate... because some fudge packer you date... has been elected the first queer president of the United States... and he's going to have you... down to Camp David... and you want someone to share the moment with.
Even then... don't knock... not on this door... not for any reason.
Do you get me, sweetheart?
It's not a subtle point that you're making.
So the theory of confrontations says: "Think twice before messing with me."
What was love?
Now I am pissed. Now I am really pissed!
Don't touch! Don't touch!
Shut up! You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude.
You don't intimidate me. I grew up in hell, homeboy.
My grandmother had more attitude.
Police! Donut-munching morons.
Assault and battery, and you're black!
I like Simon enough to batter you unrecognizable... if you verbally abuse him or touch that dog again.
I'm gonna think of some way that you can make it up to him.
I hate doing this!
I'm an art dealer.
Have a nice day. Okay, party!
Excuse me. Whoa. Don't touch.
Get a life.
Watch it. Don't touch.
Look at you. You're all better. It's that new medication.
You know all my son's stuff, right? No, no. I got a date tonight.
I'm walking out and he says, "Mom, I promise not to get... one of my fevers or coughs during your date."
Isn't that sweet? A little blond angel.
It came out of me: "You love me the way you love your remote control.
As long as I switch every time you press one of my buttons."
People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Eat up. Stay there. I've got your money.
No, pay me next week. I owe you.
I told you today. That's the rule.
Excuse me, Melvin. Don't...
There you go. You take care. Thank you.
Take the money. Debts make me crazy.
This way you take a cab home so you can get ready for the date.
Ready is not my problem.
Go on. Sit down. You know you're not allowed back here.
Spence is more excited than I am.
He says, "I promise not to get a fever or cough during your date."
Sometimes this kid, you just want to...
I've gotJews at my table.
It's not your table. It's the place's table. Behave.
This once you can sit at someone else's station.
Or you can wait your turn.
You have feelings for her? Well, yes.
How much more you got to eat?
Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
What? That's it. Forget it.
Let me talk to him. I don't care how many books he sells.
Give him one more chance. Here I go. Barred for life.
They left. Yeah. What do you know?
Bryan says he doesn't care how long you've been coming.
You ever act like this again, you're barred for life.
I'm gonna miss the excitement, but I'll handle it.
Three eggs over easy... two sausage, six strips of bacon with fries.
A short stack, coffee with cream and sweetener.
You're gonna die soon with that diet.
We're all gonna die soon. I will, you will.
It sure sounds like your son will.
If you ever mention my son again... you will never be able to eat here again, understand?
Give me some sign you understand, or leave now.
Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?
I'll get your order.
Wear my earrings tonight.
It's just so interesting what you said at dinner.
You said it like it was nothing.
Where's the bedroom?
This is sort of it. I sort of sleep in here.
Don't worry about it.
I don't know.
Maybe you'd better check.
What did you think I was gonna do?
Oh, I'm sorry. Mama!
I was hearing everything that you were doing... so I put these on to give you privacy.
So how was dinner? Hey, pal.
How's your friend? Are you okay?
Not bad. You got a temperature?
Where did your friend take you to eat? A nice place.
I have him.
One more spit? I said I have him. He's waiting.
Go. She has me.
Okay, pal. Give me a hug. Carol.
Give me a big hug. Carol, I have him.
I'm okay, Mom. She has me. Go.
Close the curtains.
No, you can't smoke! He can't take smoke!
Oh, God. Well, that'll teach you.
I don't even notice it anymore.
All right. Come here.
You don't have to get that embarrassed. It's a little bit of throw up.
Little bit of throw up.
Well, what shall we do?
Want me to write which trains you take to get home, or you wanna lay down...
No, no. I'll take a cab.
It's just a little too much reality for a Friday night.
I just can't. I promised Simon I'd find him a model.
Carl, take me off the speaker, Did I tell you these are house seats? you could use a break, Hello, Carl? you there?
Okay. I just found a model.
Hey, boys! I know this guy. He bought me dinner.
Hey, what's going on?
Remember? I only need one.
You picked me up maybe a few weeks, I don't know, some time ago.
This is for a portrait. I need a pretty face.
I'll give you the address. It's for tomorrow morning.
Brad Pitt. It's the shit.
I don't get it. Do you read?
Who is it, baby?
Who is that, Verdell?
I'm sorry. I told you today.
I was in the studio doing work, and I just...
It's out here.
Sure have great things. Gershwin is great, isn't he?
I usually make a big deal about picking models... but Carl is so thorough.
I bet he drove you nuts checking your resume, huh?
This is not a nude.
just kidding around.
So much for love.
Yet another pose.
Exactly what is your previous experience?
How about that, hmm? I'm running out of ideas here.
Then give me some direction.
I just watch until something strikes me.
I mean, do anything that you think of.
Wait for me to say "hold that pose," then try to comfortably hold it.
What I do is watch.
You ever watch somebody who doesn't know you're watching them?
An old woman sitting on a bus... or kids going to school... or somebody just waiting.
And you see this flash come over them... and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external... because that hasn't changed.
And when you see it, they're sort of realer... and they're more alive.
If you look at somebody long enough, you discover their humanity.
I know exactly what you mean.
Oh, my God. Hold it.
Hey, look out! Excuse me.
Sorry. I got on the third line of dialogue, I blanked. I had no clue as to what the next line was.
Ignores me. He said to me, "Last chance."
Last chance. Oh, God.
I came back in.
Here she comes to ignore me again.
I messed up on the exact same line.
Guess what. What?
He cast me! just what the world needs... another actress.
Can't live without me, huh?
I'm finally gonna ask.
What's with the plastic picnic ware?
Why don't you try ours? You're afraid it isn't clean?
You okay? I see the help. It's a judgment call.
So give yourself a little pep talk.
Must try other people's clean silverware... as part of fun of dining out.
What's wrong with your son?
Yeah. What do you care?
He's got to fight to breathe. His asthma can shoot off the charts.
He's allergic to dust.
This is New York, so his immune system bails on him whenever there's trouble.
So an ear infection... Is this bothering you?
An ear infection, whatever, sends us to the emergency room six times a month... where I get whatever nine-year-old they just made a doctor.
Nice chatting with you.
His name? Spencer.
It's okay. Go on. Come on.
It's okay. Go on. Come on.
You can put on anything you want now. I might be sort of done here.
For two weeks all we've done is work. Let's play!
So you're practically finished, huh?
Yeah. There is one more stage.
Where you going?
No place. I was just gonna sneak a peek.
You want some chocolate? No, he's not allowed.
I gotta take off. You want to say good-bye or anything?
He's just gotta go. One second. No, wait.
I'm gonna look at the painting.
Where are you going, sweetheart?
You want some water? What is the matter with you?
You want some water?
Why are you doing this?
No. No, wait.
That painting in there... What, are you cruising him?
Help me! We gotta go.
Let's go. Come on, come on!
So you call 9-1 -1 and don't leave your name?
Even a dumb geezer should know Emergency automatically...
No one got killed. Oh, is he dead?
What's wrong with you?
Don't bark at me. I didn't name ya.
We will. If we can't, we'll come back and ask you again and again.
What, you're trying to intimidate me with that attitude?
I come from hell. My grandmother's got more attitude than you.
Go shake down a 7-Eleven for a day-old wiener.
It's just a matter of time, sir. There's a painting of one of the guys.
Get some tape on it.
I've been praying for him since I heard.
So, anyway, I'm on my way to the hospital.
If you could just watch the dog tonight.
I'm sorry. No. Okay. Thanks.
You're taking him. Yes, you are!
Get the hell out of the way!
You're taking him. This will even the books. One night.
Do you want to say no to me?
I don't want to say nothing to you.
Because I've never felt as crazy as I do right now.
I almost want you to say no.
Thanks for looking after him.
Hey! Where are you going?
You can't do this. You don't wanna mess with me today!
I can't take a dog. Nobody's ever been in here before.
We don't have no dog food here. We don't want no dog food here.
You'll eat what we got, what we eat.
Don't do anything.
Where's the trust?
Never a break.
Always look at the bright side of your life
Always look at the lighter side of your life
We're not going to sell anything if they find out we're halfway through a show...
We're not going to sell anything if they find out we're halfway through a show... and we haven't sold a single painting.
We can't reduce the price at this stage.
What... I'm in a free fall here.
Yes? We can see him.
Okay. I'll meet you in there.
I will meet you in there.
Okay? One minute.
Thank you. No, I'm here.
How are you doing, great one?
I haven't looked at myself yet.
I figured I could tell from your reaction.
That bad, huh?
I talked to the doctor, and... Oh!
Okay. It's not that bad.
The doctors say you're gonna be your old self in a couple of weeks.
The scars might take...
Can you hand me a mirror, please?
Wait. I have a smaller one.
So how are things anyway?
Your neighbor, Mr. Udall.
Taking care of him.
How could you do that?
No, Simon. He'll hurt him.
I promise. Not a chance.
I own this guy. Besides, there was nobody else.
I'm always on the move.
You are very certain my dog is okay, because you have no idea...
Your dog is fine, Simon.
Waiting gives the devil time.
Where did I go?
Look how friendly he is. That's your dog?
What are you doing with a dog?
Suckered in, set up, pushed around.
You're not worried someone might take it?
No, not until now, for Christ's sake.
Sorry. I'm gonna sit here.
I love his little face. It's so cute.
I wonder what breed he is.
He's a little dog.
Next time, if Bryan's not here, you can bring him in.
How old are you?
If I guessed by your eyes, I'd say you were 50.
If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind.
So much for eyes. How old are you?
You brought it up.
No, I'm curious. Not that you're ugly.
Yeah. Easy, pal. I can take the compliment.
But my knees knock when you turn on the charm full blast.
But I mean, what's with the dark?
Major dawn patrol. My son had a full-blown attack.
This time, for extra fun, they gave us the wrong antibiotics.
So I get him home... No, no!
The dog. The bacon's for the dog.
Last week I was playing the piano for him, and he likes it.
So I decided I'm gonna... make a joke.
So you're all set here.
I think it's a beautiful day for our walk today.
Look at that. Look at him.
I gotta give you something.
I gotta give you something real good too.
I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy.
Don't you be like me.
You stay just the way you are, because you are a perfect man... and I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat.
What you love. Hear me? I'd like to be treated like that.
I'm gonna take you home right now and get you something. Yes.
Let's go home and do some writing.
He had made the girl happy... and what a girl.
"You saved my life," she said.
"You'd better make it up to me."
Yes, I hate the doggie.
Ooh, 62 books.
We have to cut back expenses every place we can.
We have to cut back expenses every place we can.
He has no medical insurance? No.
These are the food receipts here, the household expenses.
Here's one for the dog again.
I can read it. I got it. There you go.
All the laundry and cleaners. Okay, good.
Boy, look at that, huh?
Oh, he likes it at Chez Melvin, hmm?
What are you coming over here for? I told you to sit here.
I can't cook with a dog near me. Okay,just sit. Good.
We don't want any company. I'll read you some Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Okay, have it your way.
How's Verdell doing?
You know, he's a pain in the ass.
I was hoping you can keep the dog until he's had a chance... to think and adjust.
Oh, it's been weeks and weeks. A few more won't matter.
No, he definitely wants him back right away.
He'll be by tomorrow.
Okay by me.
Hungry. I'll be right with you, pooch.
One, two, three, four, five.
Some face they left hanging on you. You look like...
Could you take it... just... a little easy, Mr. Udall?
Come here, my beautiful boy.
Come here, boy.
Let's go home and get well.
You can't blame him for being weird.
Have a look at yourself in the mirror.
Come on, sweetheart.
Come here, boy.
I know what you want.
Where's my boy?
Don't force him.
Over a dog.
Over an ugly dog.
Worst sidewalk in New York.
Look where they put it.
If you want to see me, you will make an appointment.
Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder... and then act as though I had some choice about barging in?
There's not going to be a debate. You must leave.
You said you could help me. What was that, a tease?
I can help you if you take responsibility... to keep regular appointments. You changed the room around.
Two years ago. I also regrew my beard.
But you're not interested in changes in me.
I don't have this mountain of time. I have to get to my restaurant.
Do you know how hard it was for me to come here?
Yes. Thank you.
No, we're not doing this now.
I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.
What if this is as good as it gets?
What the heck are those for?
No. Get Carol.
I'm filling in.
We don't know if she's coming back.
She might be getting a job closer to home.
Why plastic? What are you trying to do to me?
What the heck do you mean?
Look, elephant girl... just go get Carol or something. just have her do my one meal here.
I'll pay whatever you want. I'll wait.
Bryan, code blue. What happened?
Out! just shut up and get out!
I'll be quiet. just let me stay here.
No problem. Go get Carol.
Get her here.
I'm not a prick. You are. I'm not judging.
I'm a great customer.
This day... has been a disaster.
I'm not sure if I can handle this too. Get out.
Get out immediately... or there's gonna be trouble.
Man, I mean it.
See ya. Good-bye.
It's about time!
Carol's last name.
Connelly. Thank you.
Hey, Dad, I'm over here!
Does he visit often? Not really. Not anymore.
What can you do?
Can I get some ice cream, Grandpa?
Why not? You're a good girl.
You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
What are you doing here?
This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter...
Are you totally gone? This is my private home.
I'm trying to keep emotion out of this... even though it's an important issue to me... and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs?
Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
And to prove it...
I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Why aren't you at work?
You don't look sick. just tired and bitter.
My son is sick, okay?
What about your mother?
How do you know about my mother?
I hear you talking while I wait.
Mom, I finished my juice. I'm sorry, honey. One second.
How're you doing?
You should answer someone when they speak to you.
Melvin, that's it. I cannot handle you teaching my son manners!
Back to life.
Uh-oh. What's wrong?
Five one-thousand, four one-thousand... three one-thousand, two one-thousand... bingo.
1 04.9. Let's treat ourselves to a cab ride.
Look out, you guys. Coming through.
Mom! We're okay.
Shut up, kids!
Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
A lift. Okay.
Cover your mouth when you cough, kid.
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital, and quickly, please.
Could you be back at work today? No!
Stay away from me! God!
Simon, we can't put this off any longer.
Simon, we can't put this off any longer.
I feel terrible that I have to...
Could you just leave the dog for a second?
What are those cards? Frank's idea.
He thought I should have notes so I did this right... maintained focus, didn't get emotional and tried not to terrify you.
See? He's right. I need the cards.
Simon, you're broke.
The medical bills are $61 ,000 now... and the show didn't go well.
I've spoken to your parents.
They didn't hang up or anything... but they said they would feel strange about calling you.
Well, I can't call them.
Come here, baby.
Verdell. What's wrong?
You miss the tough guy? Well, here I am, sweetheart!
Happy to see me, you little pissant mop?
How about another ride down the chute?
Oh, God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
Simon. I didn't mean that, sweetheart.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll be able to keep my apartment and the studio... won't I?
Oh, my God.
Yes, you write more than everybody else and make us a lot of money.
But it's more appropriate... Look.
I need this. just say, "Melvin, I'll try."
Melvin, I'll try. Thank you. That's good.
On a pleasanter note, my son just got accepted to Brown.
My husband was dying.
Yeah. Good, nice, thrilled, exciting.
You don't have to wait with me.
I can't resist.
You usually move through here so quickly.
I have so many questions I want to ask you.
You have no idea what your work means to me.
What does it mean to you?
That somebody out there knows what it's like to be in here.
Oh, God. This is like a nightmare. just a couple of questions. How hard is that?
How do you write women so well?
I think of a man... and I take away reason and accountability.
Where's my newspaper? It's right here, Mrs. Garrett.
What is it? What's wrong?
Mom! In here, Mrs. Connelly.
What? Please,just tell me.
I'm Martin Bettes. Dr. Bettes. Not your name!
Don't tell me your name! Where is he? He's in the bathroom.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Did you know docs come to your house? No, I didn't.
I'm home! So what are you doing here?
-I didn't know you had a secret admirer. -What?
Oh, you met the gift. He's good.
I'm an expert on doctors. Okay, Doctor.
My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher.
She said I was to take excellent care of this little guy... because you are urgently needed back at work.
What kind of work do you do?
I'm a waitress. In Manhattan.
Uh, yeah, Terry. Excuse me.
I'm sorry it took so long. I don't know Brooklyn.
I couldn't find it either. Could you get this to the lab?
Tell them I need CBC, differential, platelets, the whole thing.
And I want it back today. Okay.
I'm sorry. Did you say you're gonna get the results back today?
Sure. Let's sit down.
These are the receipts from all the prescriptions... from the beginning of the year.
The calendar. And this is a calendar of days... and how he felt and what he's been eating.
That's very good. How long has he had the problem?
Since forever. Six months old.
Have they done blood tests on him? Yeah.
Only in the emergency room or when he was well?
Emergency room only. How about skin testing for allergies?
No. No standard scratch test?
No. I asked. They said my plan didn't cover it and it wasn't necessary.
Why? Should they have? Well...
Fucking HMO bastard pieces of shit!
I'm sorry. Actually, that's their technical name.
So, once the tests come back... is there someone in your office we should talk to to get the results?
Um, me. My home number's on the card.
That's his home number.
What? It's your home number!
Can we get you anything else? Do you want some water or some coffee?
No, thank you. A couple of female slaves?
Mrs. Connelly, there's still a lot of tests I need to do... a lot of things I have to find out here.
But look, whatever I find out, I promise you, at the very least... from now on your son is going to feel a great deal better, okay?
No. Oh, fine. Okay.
So, listen, you gotta let me know about the additional costs.
One way or another, we'll...
Well, the costs are gonna be considerable, I'm afraid.
But don't worry. Mr. Udall wants to be billed.
Anyway, dear. Thank you for everything, Nora.
Forgive my recent crankiness. I'll call when things get back on track.
Huh? What's wrong?
Who's gonna walk Verdell? Oh, no!
Is he dead yet? No.
Would there be any way that you would be willing... to walk his dog for him?
You're a wonderful man.
2:00 would be a good time, and here is the key... in case he is asleep.
Open his curtains for him... so he can see God's beautiful work.
And he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Did they teach you to talk like this in some "Sailor, wanna hump-hump" bar?
Or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey?
Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
A seriously goofy man is behind this. You're not allowed to block that out.
Do you really want to go back to Emergency... where those runt doctors keep telling us that they can't help?
This lets a crazy man into our lives. Let's not fight.
You know how this will turn out. Come on!
You know how this will turn out.
This is not like stockings. It's not like a string of pearls.
You don't send this one back.
No, I do, I understand, Listen, I gotta go, okay?
What a day. Come here.
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
Thank you for walking him.
If you'll excuse me, I'm not feeling so well.
This place smells like shit.
This cleaning lady doesn't... Please,just leave!
What happened to your queer party friends?
Get outta here!
Nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you.
Nellie, you're a disgrace to depression.
Rot in hell, Melvin.
No need to stop being a lady.
You'll be back on your knees in no time.
Is this fun for you?
You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?
I'm losing my apartment.
And Frank wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help.
And I won't.
I don't want to paint anymore.
So the life that I was trying for is over.
The life that I had is gone... and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
It's high times for you, isn't it?
The gay neighbor is terrified.
I was just trying to give you a boost.
You're here for rock bottom... you absolute horror of a human being.
The one thing I'll do for you... I might cheer you up.
You wanna know why the dog prefers me?
It's not affection. It's a trick.
I keep bacon in my pocket.
Oh, my gosh.
We'll both call him. You'll see.
It's a trick.
Come here, Verdell.
Come here, baby. It's okay.
just stupid. A stupid dog.
Could you leave now?
I don't get it.
Watch again with Nick At Nite's Classic TVRewind, On repeat viewing, one begins to suspect... that might not really be Major Healy in the phone booth after all,
Carol the waitress? Yes.
The doctors gave me your address. I'm sorry about the hour.
If you're, uh...
If you're worried about thanking me...
That's not why I'm here.
Though you have no idea what it's like to have a real conversation... with a doctor about Spencer.
Note. Put it in a note.
I have a hair dryer...
Why did you do this for me?
So you'd come back to work and wait on me.
Do you have some idea how strange that sounds?
Well, I mean...
I'm worried you did this be...
Are you waiting for me to say something?
I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.
I don't think this can wait. I need to clear this up now.
Clear what up?
I'm not going to sleep with you.
I will never sleep with you! Never, ever!
I'm sorry, but... we don't open for the "no sex" oaths until 9:00 a.m.
I'm not kidding.
So you'll be at work tomorrow?
"Never," she says.
I took a chance you were up.
I brought you some Chinese soup.
I've never been this tired in my life.
I haven't been sleeping.
I haven't been clear in my head... or felt like myself.
I'm in trouble.
It's not just the tiredness.
Boy. Sick. Nauseous.
Where everything looks distorted... and everything inside you... kind of aches and you can barely find the will to complain.
I'm glad we did this.
Good talking to you.
You are not still writing that thank-you note.
I'm on the last page. How do you spell "conscience"?
Look, I got Sean from the bakery to baby-sit so we could go out.
I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone.
Could you spell it again, please? Spencer's okay.
You better start finding something else to do with your free time.
Sean, are you hungry? Yes.
All right. We got pizza.
Carol and I are going out. Sausage and pepperoni.
You want to make this later for you and Spencer?
We are going out, like people do.
If you can't feel good about this break... and step out a little... then I think you ought to have Mr. Udall... send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't need one, because I know what's really going on here!
I gotta finish this letter or I'll go nuts.
This can't be right. "Con-science?"
It's very weird now not feeling that... stupid panic thing inside me all the time.
Without that, I just start thinking about myself.
And what good does that ever get anybody?
Today on the bus there was this adorable couple... and I felt myself...
giving them a dirty look.
I just had no idea everything was...
Moving in the wrong direction.
Away from a time... when I remembered what it was like to have a man to anything.
I'm sorry. No, it's okay.
Hands with, for Christ's sake!
I felt almost really bad... that Dr. Bettes is married.
Which is probably why I make Spencer hug me more than he wants to.
Poor kid doesn't have enough problems.
He has to make up for his mom not getting any.
Who needs these thoughts?
So what are you saying? That you're frustrated?
Leave me be! Why are you doing this?
What is it you want?
I hope getting me to think about everything that's wrong... when all I want to do is not do that... has some purpose.
Really, Mom, what is it you want? What?
I want us to go out.
Now I gotta send you a thank-you note.
Oh, look. Evelyn's here and her giant,Joey.
That's really why you brought me here?
That's really why you brought me here?
Well, you know, it's not even mine.
And this guy Simon seems to have enough on his mind.
But the dog did throw up twice last night and his spark is off.
Well, take him to the vet. I did.
They say his stomach's out of whack and they need him for a couple of days.
Well, do it!
Sorry. Excuse me.
This is for later. What's this?
It's a note. A note?
Yeah, it's a thank-you note.
Thank-you note? No, no.
You can read it later. No, thank you.
No thank-you note.
Yeah. Real nice, huh?
Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, "No thanks required"?
Sure looks like it went over too.
Look at you!
You're sure making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup.
What? Look at you.
You think I'm a mark. You helped with the dog and now this.
Hey, I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.
Concerned? It's not just financial assistance.
He's gotta get to Baltimore to ask his parents for money tomorrow.
Well, yeah. I mean, if his parents are alive.
They have to help. It's the rules.
That's great. Let them help him.
I got a high-maintenance selling painter coming through, so I'm out.
Can you drive him?
Think white and get serious.
Take my car. A convertible.
Do you drive?
Like the wind. But I'm not doin' it!
He wants me to take his car and his client to Baltimore.
I want your life for one minute, where my big problem is... somebody offers me a free convertible so I can get out of this city.
Go ahead, girl. Okay, I'll do it.
I'll take him.
Yeah, get him ready, packed.
Tomorrow morning I'll take him.
Fine. Okay. Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out.
We don't enjoy one another that much.
If there is a mental health foundation that raises money for people like you... please be sure to let me know.
Good luck, lady. Was he talking to me?
So anything else? Yeah.
I'm gonna give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore.
What I did for you, it's working out?
What you did changed my life.
No thank-you note.
Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life... which you won't read... is that somehow you have done more... for my mother, my son... and me than anybody else ever has.
I'm just gonna read you this part of it.
"And that makes you the most important, surprising... generous person I ever met in my life... and that you're gonna be in our prayers... our daily prayers forever."
I also wrote one part I'm just gonna say.
I wrote, "I'm sorry."
I was talking about I was sorry when I got mad at you for... when you came over and you told my son that he ought to answer back.
So I wrote that I was sorry about that and that I...
I was sorry for busting you on that and busting in on you that night... when I said I was never...
I was sorry, and I'm sorry for every time your food was cold... and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee filler... and I'm sorry for never spotting right there at the table in the restaurant... the human being that had it in him to do this thing for us.
You know what? I'm just gonna start from the beginning.
"I have not been able... to express my gratefulness to you.
Even as I look at the word 'grateful' now... it doesn't begin to tell you what I feel."
That's nice of you. Thank you.
Now I want you to do something for me.
I'm sorry. Didn't I say, "What?"
I thought I said "What?"
I want you to go on this trip.
I can't do this without you.
I'm afraid he might pull the stiff"one eye" on me.
I need you to chaperone.
Separate everything but cars.
You said you like convertibles. Now I'm on the hook.
I'm sorry. The stiff"one eye"?
Two days. I can't. I work.
You get off when you want to. My son.
Bettes said he's doin' fine.
Melvin, I'd rather not. What's that got to do with it?
I thought it was a strong point. Write a note, ain't she sweet.
I need a hand, and where did she go?
Are you saying accepting your help obligates me?
Is there any other way to see it?
Here's a little suitcase... shocked that it's being used.
There's no way to pack for this trip.
You're still comin', aren't you? yes, I would like to know exactly where we are going. just south of Baltimore, Maryland, and I know what you're gonna say next.
I mean, I think I know, I'm not sure... but I think so, There's no need for me to bring anything dressy?
I didn't know... if we were eating in any restaurants that have dress codes.
Well, I don't...
I mean, maybe, I mean, yes! Let's.
What did you think I was gonna ask? Whether crabs were in season now.
Okay, then. Good night.
Anything unusual in the dog's diet?
Everybody gets their own cage? Certainly.
Put him in with that one, not that one. Builds his confidence.
I love you. I'll miss you.
Hey! Real sensitive!
Bye. Call me when you get settled.
Don't worry, Mom! Have a good time!
Don't run. Have fun! Don't worry!
Have fun, but don't run. Grandma will take care of me! Bye!
I'm sorry I'm not taking you myself. So am I, Frank.
Give me a hug.
Everything's gonna be okay, all right? Yeah.
Soak it up.
It's your last chance for a hug for a few days.
Thank you for being on time.
Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.
Hello. Holy God! Who did that to you?
Um, I was attacked.
I walked in on some men robbing me... and I was hospitalized.
I almost died. Let's do the small talk in the car.
How are you, sir? Oh, I was gonna do that for you.
It's all right. Where should we sit?
I, uh... Well, there's no place cards or anything.
You look like you need more room, so I'll sit in the back.
Never a break. Never.
Thank you for the seat. That was very thoughtful.
You look like you're crowded in there. It's all right.
I've got the whole trip programmed.
I'm just kidding. I wanted to see what you'd do.
We got good stuff here.
When it's not always raining There'll be days like this When there's no complaining I like this music.
There'll be days like this I like this music.
Like the flick of a switch Well, my mama told me There'll be days like this Well, I'm looking for my girl I wonder where can she be Simon, I'm sure they did something really off for you to feel this way... but when it comes to your parents or your kid... something will always be off for you unless you set it straight.
And maybe this thing happened to you just to give you a chance to do that.
Nonsense. And you want to know why?
Anybody here who's interested in what Melvin has to say, raise their hand.
Do you want to know what happened with my parents?
When I was a kid... No, wait.
I'm gonna pull over, give you my full attention.
Well, I always painted, and my mother always encouraged it.
I mean, she was really sort of fabulous about it, actually.
And she used to...
I was too young to think that there was anything wrong with it.
She was very natural, so she used to pose nude for me.
And I always thought, or I guess I assumed... that my father knew about it.
This stuff is pointless.
Hey, let him finish... You like sad stories? Wanna hear mine?
Go ahead, really. Please don't let him stop you.
One day he walked in and found us, and he started screaming.
My father didn't come out of his room for 1 1 years.
He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake... playing the piano.
Go ahead, Simon.
So you said he came in your room and he was yelling?
Uh-huh. Please, come on.
He was, um... Come on.
Yeah, I know. I was...
I remember I was defending my mother... and I was trying to, you know... make peace in the lamest way.
"She's not naked. It's art."
He started hitting me... and he beat me unconscious.
And he talked to me less and less after that.
I mean, he knew what I was before I did.
And the morning that I left for college... he walked into my room... and he held out his hand... and it was filled with money.
A big, sweaty wad of money.
And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back."
And I just grabbed him and I hugged him... and he turned and walked out.
We all have these terrible stories to get over, and you...
That's not true.
Some of us have great stories, pretty stories... that take place at lakes... with boats and friends and noodle salad. just no one in this car.
But a lot of people... that's their story: good times, noodle salad.
What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad... but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
No! I don't think so. Not it at all, really.
Not it at all, huh?
Let's go to the hotel.
Tomorrow you'll see if you can get another big wad... of sweaty money out of his hand.
Can I ask you a personal question?
You ever get an erection over a woman?
I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't...
You consider your life easy?
All right. I give you that one.
Hey, Spence. Hi, Mom, Wait till you hear, Why are you out of breath?
Mom, I ran over a guy and scored a goal, You did? yeah, He was big, Charlie, you know, That's great! yep, Amazing, Oh, my God, right?
Mom, we're playing again, Gotta go, Bye, Wait.Just tell me...
He scored a goal, Mom, I don't believe it.
Oh, you would've died. Oh, my God,!
My son was outside playing soccer. Come on.
Take me out for a good time. Take me out dancing.
I can't. I'm exhausted.
Oh, come on. Please, come on.
Are you sad or something? No, I'm nervous.
It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along.
What a nice compliment.
And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
I'm gonna jump in the shower. Okay.
I'll be right with you. Okay.
All set? Yeah.
Do you sell hard-shell crabs? Yes.
Do they sell hard-shells? Yes.
Do they sell hard-shells? Yes.
Hi. You have hard-shells, right? Stop asking everyone. just him. Okay, you can answer. We worked it out.
Yes, we do.
Oh, and I can give you a tie and jacket.
What? They require a tie and jacket.
We have some available.
No, I'm not putting that on.
I'm also not going to let you inject me with the plague, either.
It's such a nice place.
You probably have these dry cleaned all the time, don't you?
Actually, I don't think so.
Well, you just wait here.
I need a coat and tie. Well, come on in.
Uh, that one. This one?
That one, yeah. And this tie.
She's here. We saved a table for you.
Thanks. Should I get her for you?
No, that's all right. I'll just watch.
Can I buy you another drink? This is plenty. No, thank you.
You look so se...
You look, uh, great.
You look great.
You want to dance?
Well, I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
I don't get this place.
They make me buy a new outfit and let you in in a housedress.
I don't get it.
What? No. Wait. Why?
Where are you goin'? Why?
I didn't mean it that way. You ought to sit down.
You can still give me the dirty look. just sit down and give it to me.
Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
I need one. Quick.
You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings.
The mono-minute someone gets that they need you... they threaten to walk out.
A compliment is something nice about somebody else.
Now or never. Okay.
And mean it.
Can we order first?
Two hard-shell crab dinners!
Pitcher of ice-cold beer!
Baked or fries?
One baked, one fried.
I'll tell your waiter.
Okay, now, I got a real great compliment for you... and it's true.
I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style.
Okay, here I go.
Clearly a mistake.
I've got this, what, ailment?
My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time... says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases... a pill really helps.
I hate pills.
Very dangerous thing, pills.
I'm using the word "hate" here about pills.
My compliment is, that night... when you came over and told me that you would never...
All right, well, you were there. You know what you said.
Well, my compliment to you is... the next morning I started taking the pills.
I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
You make me want to be a better man.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Well, maybe I overshot a little.
I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
How's it goin' with those pills?
Good, I hope, I hope...
It's little by little.
It's exhausting talking like this.
Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?
Here's the trouble with "never."
You don't owe me that. That wasn't payment.
When you first came in to breakfast, when I first saw you...
I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
So now that your... soft little underbelly is all exposed... tell me, why did you bring me here?
a personal question.
Tell me, even if you're scared. Scared?
Tell me why you wanted me here.
If you ask me, I'll say yes.
I don't know.
There's a lot of reasons.
I thought... one thought... maybe if you had sex with Simon...
Well, that's just one idea.
That's why you brought me?
Like I'm a what... and I owe you what?
I don't know why I brought you.
That was just one thought that I had. It came out first. That's all it was.
I thought, you kiss him, me.
When you two seemed to hit it off...
No, wait. That's... I didn't mean...
Forget what I said about Simon.
I'll never forget you said it. It's a mistake.
It was a mistake.
Hello, this is Fred Bishop, -And Betty, We're sorry to be unable to take your call right now, Please leave a message with all the pertinent information, -Say good-bye, Good-bye, Thank you, It's Simon.
I'm in town.
Folks, you haven't been out later that 1 0:00 in your entire lives.
Please pick up the phone.
I'll try you in the morning.
I need to see you... or at least get you to answer the phone.
How are you?
Is this gonna be your room? Our room.
I don't wanna see him, and he's not gonna knock on your door.
Can you not be so violent? I don't think so.
Do you need help... No!
I'm taking a big bath and ordering a big meal.
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
I'm tired of my own complaints. I gotta get some new thoughts.
What are you thinking about?
How to die, mostly.
Can you believe, in our little mix, you're the good roommate?
Good night. Good night.
I have to draw you. Huh?
I have to draw you.
Absolutely not. I'm a lot more shy than people think.
I give off the wrong impression. I have to.
I haven't sketched anything in weeks.
Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful.
Your skin, your long neck... the back, the line of you.
You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.
All right. Cut me a break.
The next thing I know she's... sitting right there next to me.
Well, it's not right to go into details.
I got nervous.
I screwed up. I said the wrong thing.
Where if I hadn't...
I could be in bed right now with a woman... who if you make her laugh, you got a life.
Instead, I'm here with you.
No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
jameson, soda back.
I'm sorry. I don't care how you put this.
We're being naughty here, pal. No.
This is great. This is so great.
I swear to God, my hand won't even keep up.
Hold it. I'm just turning.
Then hold that. Hold any of them. Okay. This?
It doesn't matter. My hand's not even bothering me.
I can't... I just...
I can't get the angle with this cast.
Coming in. It's late.
Did you have sex with her?
You're sure you don't want your shampoos?
I didn't know she was still here.
Did you have sex with her? To hell with sex.
It was better than sex. We held each other.
What I need he gave me great.
I'll get dressed in a hurry.
I just love her.
How are you doin'?
Hello? Mom? Hi.
Hello, Simon, you were right, We were home last night, Do you have to whisper? I can barely hear you.
I'm not a screamer, No, no.
It was the luckiest thing you didn't answer last night. your father hasn't been feeling well, I can't hear you.
It's too late to start, Hold on, Hold for what?
What are you gonna do? Where are you going?
I get why you're angry with me, but it's no snap to...
He's talking to his parents. Then you listen to me.
Truly no grudges, okay? Truly.
It was odd that you didn't come see me when you heard I was hurt, but...
We almost did, I don't even want to talk about it.
The important thing is that your son is happy. you do sound different, Yes, I'm working again.
Good, About money... I don't need anything.
I'll drop you a line from wherever I land.
Then it's up to you to make the next move, and I hope you do.
He's gonna want to stay.
They'll want to take a ride to the lake or whatever.
Okay. Bye-bye. Bye, dear, He's gonna feel stirred up. Bye, Mom.
We'll probably have a good five-hour drive.
It'll give us a chance to relax... So? and be together alone. I'm coming with you.
What about your parents? No, I'll take care of myself.
What are you talking about? You got real problems.
I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
One night with me. You think you're kidding.
Ah, geez. No choice. I got a gift for you.
Nothing like no choice to make you feel at home.
Let me see.
Do it then, and pick up the dog. I can't believe you let it stay there.
Your luck's running.
They sublet your place. You're homeless.
Frank's got a line on another place you can use for now.
Another place where? Does it matter?
I'm fine. Like the hat?
I love you
For sentimental reasons I don't want to hear that music right now.
You said you liked it. I don't.
This one has a meaning. It's your call... but I don't want to hear it, if that means anything.
Yes, sir. All right.
Here's the keys to my apartment.
You go up there and wait. I'm gonna take Carol home.
I'll take a bus. No, I'll take you.
Can you come here?
I don't care what you did for me. What's wrong?
I don't think I want to know you anymore.
All you do is make me feel bad about myself.
You have my number.
Let him take you home.
I don't want to.
I love you. Love you too.
Don't say anything.
I gotta get ahold of Frank, see where I'm hanging my hat.
I think you're gonna have to camp it here.
What are you talking about? Oh, look! There's Verdell!
Look at you!
Come here. Look at you.
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Sorry. You're just fun to mess with.
They rented your place furnished. jackie brought your personal things.
They were gonna set you up in here. It's an extra room.
I never use it.
It's got good light. No other choice, really.
It looks good.
They got your music... paintings, paints.
Have to say they did a good job.
Well, it's gonna be okay, huh?
Cozy, huh? Yeah.
You overwhelm me.
I love you.
I tell you, buddy.
I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
Make yourself at home.
Anything else in the bag?
I played soccer while you were away. Yeah, I know.
I love my cookbook.
It's great. It's got all these wonderful recipes in here.
It says something for shark. I never fixed shark before.
"Shark With A Bite." Would you like that, Spencer?
There's some cookies here called "Wasps' Nest."
Where is my big, hairy boy?
Where is he?
Where is my beautiful boy? Sweetheart.
Oh, you're in bed.
I just didn't think Verdell should get too comfortable... sleeping in here. Look.
It's not gonna... The dog's already comfortable.
Is this okay?
It's me. Hi!
He took me in. Yes. It's Carol for you.
I practically fainted when I walked in.
Take the dog. I gotta go.
-Just take the dog. Oh, come here.
Come on. Move faster.
Don't limp. Move fast. Good luck.
Yeah. How are you doing?
Not so hot. Why? What's wrong?
I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you.
Maybe both, Maybe, See, right there, I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy.
Cute. Don't answer everything I say. just listen to me, okay? Listen to me.
It's really something that you're looking after Simon.
And what I said on the street... that was a bad thing to say.
It made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say.
I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company.
But the truth is, you do bother me enormously.
And I know that it...
I think that it's better for me to not have contact with you... because you're not ready... and you're a pretty old guy to not be ready... and I'm too old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary kindnesses... that did take place.
Anyway, thanks for the trip.
Okay if I say something now?
I should have danced with you.
Are you gonna talk to me or not? I'm coming.
What did she say? That I'm a great guy.
And she doesn't want contact with me.
I'm dying here.
Because... you love her.
And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?
Then you tell me why. You're the one who's "dying here."
I don't know.
Let me sleep on it. Oh, come on.
I'll figure it out. Oh, please.
I can't get back to my old life.
She's evicted me from my life.
Did you really like it that much?
Well, it's better than this.
Look, you, I'm very intelligent.
If you're gonna give me hope, you gotta do better than you're doing.
If you can't be at least mildly interesting, then shut the hell up.
I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Picking on me won't help.
If that's true, I'm really in trouble.
Melvin, do you know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
I would take your seat any day.
So do something about it.
Go over there now, tonight. Don't sleep on it.
It's not always good to let things calm down.
You can do this, Melvin. You can do this.
Pull the stops. Tell her how you feel.
You can do this. Hey, I'm charged here.
Yes, you are. She might kill me if I go over.
Then get in your jammies and I'll read you a story.
I really think you have a chance here.
The best thing you have going for you is a willingness to humiliate yourself.
So go over there, do this. Catch her off guard.
Thanks a lot. Okay.
Here I go.
I forgot to lock the door.
What do you want, Melvin?
I'm sorry I woke you. I wasn't asleep.
What a break.
Is it a secret what you're doing here?
I had to see you.
It relaxes me.
I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb... than any other place...
I can think of or imagine.
No, wait. That's overstating.
I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps...
'cause I don't want to get my feet in the gutter.
What would that serve? Stop it!
Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend? Why? just a regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me.
Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live without the wisecracks.
Maybe we could.
It feels a little confined in here.
Let's take a walk.
See, it's 4:00 in the morning.
A walk sounds a little screwy to me... if you don't mind.
Well, if you need an excuse... there's a bakery on the corner that will be open soon.
That way we're not screwy. just two people that like warm rolls.
What are you doing?
I still want you to hear part of that car song.
You don't have to...
I'm never lonely Whenever you're in sight Thank you.
You know, I was hoping...
I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work.
I'm feel... What?
I'm feeling better, Carol.
Even though it may seem that way now... you don't know me all that well.
I'm not the answer for you.
Hey, I've got a great compliment for you.
You know what? -Just let me...
Let me talk.
I might be the only person on the face of the Earth... that knows you're the greatest woman on Earth.
I might be the only one who appreciates... how amazing you are in every single thing that you do... and how you are with Spencer.
In every single thought you have and how you say what you mean... and how you almost always mean something... that's all about being straight and good.
I think most people miss that about you.
I wonder how they can watch you... bring their food and clear their tables... and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive.
And the fact that I get it... makes me feel good... about me.
Is that something that's... bad for you to be around for you?
I'm gonna grab ya.
I didn't mean for that to be a question.
I'm gonna grab ya.
I know I can do better than that.
Better. Definitely better.
Excuse us. Excuse us.
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