At Long Last Love (1975) Script

Gentleman. Some gentleman.

I wouldn't talk if I were you. That's one thing I am not, thank God.

What? You.

What? You, you big weasel. I'm not you.

Thank you. You have such a way with words.

Don't. What?

Touch the lights.

Oh, yes, I keep forgetting. You love dark rooms.

Yeah? Like a bat.

I'd rather be a bat than a duck.

Hmm. Thought I was a weasel.

You are a weasel and a duck.

Rather intriguing combination, I'd say. What?

Never mind. You're too drunk to follow anything intricate.

Oh, yeah? Where are you going? Home.

To mother. On the next train.

Oh, that's sweet.

All I do is just take a few drinks to unwind from the show...

Unravel, you mean. Come again.

No, I don't believe I will actually. I'm rather bored with the whole thing.

You're bored. Good night.

Why do you think I drink? Good-bye.

Oh, what an exit.

Theatricality, my dear, is your department.

Oh, wait a minute.

I gotta write that down someplace.

"Theatricality, my dear, is your department."

Very clever.


With a million neon rainbows burning below me And a million blazing taxis raising a roar;

Here I am Above the town In my pet pailletted gown Down in the depths On the 90th floor


While the crowds at El Morocco punish the parquet;

And at 21, the couples clamor for more More! More! More!

I'm deserted and depressed In my regal eagle nest;

Down in the depths On the 90th floor When the one you thought you wanted Wants ms mother What's the use of swank and cash in the bank galore?

Why, even the janitor's wife Has a perfectly good love life And here am I;

Facing tomorrow Alone in my sorrow Down in the depths On the 90th floor Oh, God.

All right. I'll see you and raise you 40.

That's too damn rich for me. I'm out. Aw, Willie, you're no sport.

I'll see that. And you're a sap.

So am I, I guess. I'm in.

Now it's up to me. That's right, Johnny boy. Cost you 40 to stay in.

I don't know. Don't tell us you're shy suddenly.

Don't be a sore loser, Willie. It's unbecoming.

I don't see what you're so cheerful about. Shh!

This guy's a one-man crash. Shush yourself.

I bet. Yeah, you always do.

All right, here they are. Tens and kings.

Two pair, ace high.

I could've beat that. Yeah, so can I.

Three boys and two little giris. Didn't I tell you I was a sap?

What do you got? None of your business.

Well, Mr. Spanish?

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh-oh. Here it comes.

Okay, save the apologies. Let's see what you have.

Now don't be a sore loser. Two of these.

My giris. And three of these.

My goodness.

I'm sorry. I love this guy.

I think we'd better quit- He's been sorry all night.

Before my wife wakes up and shoots me.

I'm tired of being a masochist. Gentlemen.

Hey, I know what you mean. Gentlemen, when my heart is sick, I've got a remedy that does the trick.

You win.

No. Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Whenever you are blue, I advise you to try my remedy too.

Just say...

Tomorrow Your trouble will be done tomorrow Your victory will be won tomorrow We're all gonna have fun 'cause there ain't gonna be no sorrow;

Tomorrow That's right. We won't be playing you tomorrow.

Yes, yes, tomorrow It's all gonna be grand tomorrow You'll start leading the band tomorrow We'll live in a new land I say this to myself in Venice, and here I am.

You should've stayed in Venice. See ya, Murray.

Because there Ain't gonna be no sorrow tomorrow


Ciao yourself.

Still low, Harry?

Nobody wild about Harry? Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh, domani. Eh, domani.

You're sure gonna meet The one you'll adore God forbid. I got enough troubles as it is.

Your heart gonna beat as never before It'll stop.

No, it's all gonna change From darkness to dawn Mmm, Barney Google here.

Ah! Why do you squeal and feel so darn bitter?

You'll score like a Yankee hitter;

The Dodgers are winning.

Tomorrow, the season will be spring Tomorrow, the birds will all sing Tomorrow, Signor Cupid will be king

So there ain't gonna be no sorrow Tomorrow

No. Why borrow even a small cup of sorrow?

Instead, get in your head, mío caro.

That there ain't gonna be no sorrow tomorrow No, no, there ain't gonna be no sorrow For you and me Tomorrow Aah!

What did you say? Quarter to 6:00, Miss Carter.

A quarter of 6:00? In the morning.

It's still dark out. Yes, ma'am, but it's lightenin' up.

I think you should have your watch fixed.

I will, ma'am, just as soon as I get one.

Good mornin'- I mean, good night, Miss Carter.

Good night.

Quarter of 6:00. Better not be quarter of 6:00.

I told that goon to get me back by Oh!

These are going back.

I told Beth they pinch.

It's like wearing two vises. Vise? Two vise.

So, where did she put that thing?

Oh, no.

It is quarter of 6:00.

I wonder, which is the right life?

The simple or the nightlife?

When, pray, should one rise?

At sunset or at sunrise?

Which should be upper;

My breakfast or my supper?

Which is the right life?



No. "Which."

If the wood nymph left the park, would Park Avenue excite her?

Would the glowworm trade her spark for the latest Dunhill lighter?

Here's a question I would pose Tell me which the sweeter smell makes The aroma of the rose Or the perfume that Chanel makes?

Or this letter the hotel sent?

Oh Which is the right life?

The simple or the nightlife?

I don't know. I don't know.

This says we are being thrown out, so somethin' is wrong.

When, pray, should one rise?

At sunset or at sunrise?

Well, when you figure it out, call me, huh?

Which should be the upper;

My breakfast or my supper?

Which is the right life?



What time is it, Rodney?

6:00, sir.

6300? 6300.


I'm sick of 6:00. Sir?

Why isn't it 7:00 or even 8:00?

Well, it was just 5:00 recently, sir, and 6:00 does precede 7:00 and 8:00.

I'm sure there's a logic to that somewhere, but it's just too tiring to think about.

Yes, sir.

After hunting all over for pleasure With some measure of success Are you singing to me, sir? No. I was just singing to myself.

Yes, sir. Go right ahead, sir.

I've decided the pace known as rapid Leads to vapid nothingness And Fm;

Tired of betting, tired of sporting, tired of flirting, tired of courting Tired of racing, tired of yachting, tired of loafing Tired of rotting Tired of dining, tired of wining Tired of tea-ing Tired of being tired fired, '(wed Oh Won't somebody care For a poor young millionaire?

Mr. Pritchard.

Don't stop, Rod. I just need a little air.

Sir, wouldn't the window suffice?

Please don't slow down.

If you knew what blues meant, you'd find me amusement.

Well, I've tried. I've tried.

Step on it, Rod. God knows I've tried.

I've had every thrill From a Rolls-Royce to a Ford And there's no concealing the fact I'm feeling Bored, bored Bored Haven't seen you in a long time.

Such a child.

What a lovely little tie.

Is it a boy or girl?

A girl? You should dress her differently. Harold.

Yeah. Such a doll. Look at her eyes.

Yeah, a little doll. Harold.

Give me the children.

Harold! Oh.

Oh, Harold, turn that off.

Oh, would that I could, ma'am.

Oh, it's the sun. The sun it is.

Give me the sun, Mother.

Aren't we looking pretty today? Thank you.

I need a refill and a cab.

Ah, some refreshment and a conveyance. Yes.

You're in my way. You wanna get killed?

Ooh, there's one. Taxi.

You're sure you wouldn't like to get back in now, sir?

Oh, I think I look rather striking out here.

What? Striking.

Yes, I know, but-What? Uh-oh.


Gracious, you're heavy. I'm awfully sorry.

What the hell were you doing, anyway, hanging onto that taxi?

Are you all right, Miss O'Kelly? Oh, it sobered me up anyhow.

Mr. Pritchard, are you hurt? No. I landed on something soft.

Hmm. I like you. Thank you. Would you like to have a drink on that?

Sir, I'm afraid the car isn't so fit. Oh, really?

What's the matter?

I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke.

She doesn't smoke. I knew that.

Now, who's this? Rodney James.

He used to drive for me. Very funny.

Hello, Rodney. A pleasure.

He's very formal. Yes. He tries to compensate for me.

What's your name? Kitty O'Kelly.

I don't believe that. Well, I know what you mean.

But the real one's Kathy Krumm with a "K."

How would that look in lights?

Crummy with a.

What would you be doing in lights anyway?

I'm a singer. Oh.

What do you do? Nothing. I'm an heir.


Well, that's not a taxi. Nope.

That's your car. Yep.

Look what I did to it. That's all right. I got a couple of others.

You do? Mm-hmm.

What kind? Just like this one. I can't tell 'em apart.

I like you more and more.

Thank you.

Is that why you call this one MOP III?

No, actually, that's me.

You're the third MOP? Yeah.

You ever get bored? Never.

Rodney. Sir!

Call a cab.

Excuse us. Excuse us.

Hurry up! It's starting. I hope we miss it.

Oh, will you stop badgering me? I'm not badgering you.

We're lost. I'm making sense.

Oh, where do we Beth, bet? What'd you have in mind, honey?

"Beth, bet"? What?

Beat it, Morris. You ain't cute.

Oh, yeah? Well, dames don't belong down here no way. Come, snooks.

Aw, go suck an egg. I can't see a thing.

I wish you'd wear your glasses. Where are we going?

Straight ahead. Oh!

Bettin' our last $300 is no way to make ends meet. I always win at games.

They probably won't take our bet anyway. They'd better.

They don't know us. Unless you'd rather sleep in the park tonight.

They have to know you. That's ridiculous.

The horses are approaching the gate.

Stand here. Is this the line?

You don't know nothin' about betting or racing-Oh, stop crabbing!

Crab, crab, crab. I'm not crabbing.

Tell them to hurry up. I'm not crabbing.

Tell them to hurry up. No.




I'm in an awful hurry. May I get ahead of you?

For you, anything. Thank you.

Except this. Except what?

Yes? I'm betting also on this race.

I don't like to miss my chance. I have lucky feeling today.

You're Italian. Mmm. Venetian.

Every Italian I've ever met is rude, inconsiderate and selfish. Brooke.

Perhaps because they are not used to women who are spoiled.

Yeah, in Italy, we don't have. Elizabeth, call the police.

They don't come around where there's betting, honey. It ain't legal.

Hey, Spanish. They're at the gate. What'll it be?

1,000. Ladies' Day to win.

I hope you lose. Spanish. 1,000.

Grazie. Ciao.

The flag is up. What did he say?

What are you giris doing here? We were drawn by your magnetism.

Uh-huh. Now don't be rude to the man, Elizabeth.

Which one, sir, do you think will win? I ain't a seer, lady.

What? He says he ain't a seer. And he certainly ain't no "sir."

Mmm, tough cookie, huh? You wanna start somethin'?

How about Cot-ton Ball? Cotton Ball. That's a nice name.

Pays 20-to-1. I'll take it.

Put that away. You want to get us all locked up?

It's real. Put that away!

Look. $300. No cash. No cash.

Look, kid, I can't take your bet nohow. I don't know ya.

I'm Brooke Carter. Oh, nice to meet ya. So long.


You better take her bet, wise guy, if you know what's good for you.

Yeah? Yeah.

This is... Sleep Out Louie's dame.

Carter? That's right.

That's right. Carter. 300. Cotton Ball.

You wanna put it on his nose?

Yeah, yeah. What?

Are you sure you don't wanna try Ladies' Day, honey?

Valentino looked awful positive. You mean positively awful.

That's it, giris.

They're off and running!

Who is Sleep Out Louie? Beats me.

At the start, it's Chuck-a-luck. Blue Boy in second.

Jumper is third. Ladies' Day is drawing up.

Pumpkin Pie and Texas Moon.

It's Chuck-a-luck with the lead. Blue Boy moving up to second.

They're going into the first turn.

It's Chuck-a-luck in front by a length. Blue Boy is second.

Jumper is third. Ladies' Day moving up to fourth.

Pumpkin Pie, Texas Moon and, at the rear, it's Cotton Ball.

Oh, that Cotton Ball. That's a nice name.

You bet on Cotton Ball?

We certain-We certainly did, and he's going to win.

Chuck-a-luck in front by two lengths. Blue Boy is second.

And Ladies' Day is now moving up fast on the inside.

Pumpkin Pie, and here comes Cotton Ball.

Where? Where?

Right there.

Going into the far turn, it's Chuck-a-luck in front.

We hate you. Come on, Cotton Ball! Move it!

And Ladies' Day is moving up very fast on the outside.

Turning into the stretch, it's Chuck-a-luck and Ladies' Day.

They're neck and neck. Come on, Chuck-amen!

No, it's Ladies' Day. I'm sure.

It's Chuck-a-luck and Ladies' Day! And Ladies' Day moves ahead.

It's Ladies' Day by a head! The winner!

Chuck-a-luck was second. Pumpkin Pie was fourth.

Jumper was fifth. Blue Boy in sixth.

And here comes Cotton Ball.

Oh, look at him.

Well, good-bye, ladies.

Tomorrow, everything will be better.

Well, at least we know who Sleep Out Louie is.

Who? Nobody.


Come on, snooks.

We have just enough change for the subway.

Never been on the subway. Oh, you'll love it.

Well, folks, there's Cotton Ball.

Guess he was hungry.

Come on, cheer up. Something will come up.

Maybe we'll hear from your mother. Fat chance.

Yeah, well, I keep telling you you gotta be more polite to folks. Hmm.

That guy was probably some rich Italian count or something.

Would've been a lot smarter than bettin' on Cotton Ball, being nice to him.

That's a revolting thought.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, listen...


Okay, watch me.

You are hitching hike?

Hmm? Hitching hike.

Oh, of course. We always hitching hike after we lose.

Sort of a penance. Ah.

And what do strong, handsome Venetians do when they win?

Whatever the ladies desire.

The subway. The subway.

Well, how about a little hitch for two sore losers?

No, just one. I gotta see a man about a dog.

Oh. Beth.

You know, snooks, three on a match and all that.

Yeah, it will be my pleasure to drive you.

You ain't kiddin'.

At words poetic, I'm so pathetic;

That I always have found it best Hmm?

Instead of getting them off my chest To let 'em rest unexpressed You mustn't do that.

I hate parading my serenading And I'll probably miss a bar;

That was good.

But if this ditty is not so pretty;

At least it'll tell you How great you are You're the top.

You're a Waldorf salad You're the top You're a Berlin ballad You're a baby grand of a lady and a gent You're an old Dutch master You're Mrs. Astor;

You're Pepsodent I've never been so bad.

You're romance You're the steppes of Russia You're the pants Pants?

On a Roxy usher;

I'm a lazy lout that is just about to stop Oh, don't stop.

But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top Oh, thank you.

Your words poetic are not pathetic; No?

On the other hand, boy, you shine Oh.

And I can feel after every line Yeah?

A thrill divine Down my spine Now, gifted humans like Vincent Youmans Might think that your song is bad Oh, what does he know?

But for a person who's just rehearsin'

Well, I gotta say this, my lad You're the top.

You're an Arrow collar;

You're the top You're a Coolidge dollar;

You're the nimble tread of the feet of Fred Astaire That's nice.

You're an O'Neill drama You're Whistler's mama You're Camembert Camembert.

You're a rose You're Infemo's Dante You're the nose The nose? The nose.

On the great Durante Oh, yeah.

I'm just in the way;

As the French would say, De "trop"

But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top

You're the top.

How can you sing? I'm dizzy.

You're a dancing belly;

You're the top You're a hot tamale You're an ángel You're simply too, too, too diveen You're a Botticelli You're Keats You're Shelley You're Ovaltine Aw.

You're a boon You're the darn at Boulder You're the moon Really?

Over Mae West's shoulder I'm a nominee Of the G.O.P.


But if, baby, I'm the bottom You're the top Mopsie!

You Okay?

I don't get enough exercise. You know that?



You're the top You're the Colosseum You know the Colosseum? Mm-hmm.

You're the top You're the Louvre museum You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss You're a Bendel bonnet, a Shakespeare sonnet You're Mickey Mouse You're the Nile You're the Tower of Pisa You're the smile on the Mona Lisa I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop But if, baby, I'm the bottom You're the top You sing. Oh, yes.

You finished? Tonight, we go to El Morocco.

My mother's always had a weakness for Latins.

And you? I haven't had that weakness.

No, no? My mother's in South America.

And your father?

My father isn't in South America.

Ah, your mother and your father...

You remember the crash? Oh, yes.

I come to America to make success.

And the day I come from the boat, crash.

Well, you're doing all right.

Yes. Today, I'm very rich. How rich?

Oh. That rich?

Your father in the crash... crash?


So, what you do? You have no money.

That was the silly part of the whole thing.

Daddy thought we were broke, but he just didn't know Mother.

He didn't know your mother? Not too well.

I see.

She had about a million dollars hidden around the house. My goodness.

Goodness had nothing to do with it.

Gary Cooper. Yeah.

So what happened to your mother?

She went down to South America.

And she left you no money.

Ah. Oh, a little, and she sends more every so often.

But lately, it hasn't been so often.

In fact, we haven't heard from her in three months... except for one postcard from Rio that just said, "Ole! Love, Mother."

But then you must need some money.

No, I don't. Oh, you don't?

But my hotel does.

Your hotels need money.

Well, they must because they keep asking me all the time.

Well, this is terrible. That's just what I tell them.

I fix now this problem for you.

Oh, will you? Of course. I'm Venetian.

Well, you're more than that. Yes.

I'm Communist.

Well, be that as it may...

You're the top You're Mahatma Gandhi You're the top You're... Napoleon brandy; Oh, Napoleon.

Yeah, you're the purple light of a summer night in Spain Italy. Scusi. Shh!

You're the National Gallery You're Garbo's salary You're... Yeah?

Cellophane Oh.

You're sublime You're a turkey dinner;

You're the time of that Derby winner No.

I'm a toy balloon that is fated soon to pop But if, baby, I'm the bottom You're the top

Curtain's going up! Curtain is going up!

Curtain's going up! The curtain is going up!

Thank you. Would you mind terribly checking this with our other things?

I'll do it for you, handsome.

Take the night off. Anytime you say, kiddo.

Excuse me. Um...

Excuse me. Thank you.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Oh, my, look at that. Look at what?

What's the matter? Nothing really.

I'm afraid that one of you is in one of our seats.

Nonsense. There's two seats. One for each of you.

Yes, but the ones I bought were together. See?

Six and seven. You're in seven.

What's wrong with that one? That's nine.

You're being very literal. It's not for me. It's for Rodney.

He cries at shows. Sometimes I have to hold his hand.

Or I become uncontrollable. He becomes uncontrollable.

Well, I wouldn't want to break anything up.

Shove over, Spagnoli. Thank you.


Oh, fine. Now I've got King Kong in front of me.

Huh? Ah, yes.

Look what you've done. What?

King Kong's wife.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Can you see the stage? Not at all.

You have taken the only seat from which anything is visible.

I hope you enjoy the show.

Allow me. Shall we?

What's the matter? It's an old children's game. It's called musical chairs.

Huh? We're switching again, junior, 'cause you got such terrific: seats.

This gentleman's gonna switch with that-gentleman. Excuse me.

Now, before this modern idea had burst;

About the women and children first;

The men had much more charm than they have today

And if only one of that type survived The very moment that he arrived I know I'd fall in a great big way;

I can't imagine being bad With any Arrow collar ad Nor could I take the slightest joy In waking up a college boy;

I've no desire to be alone With Rudy Vallee's megaphone So when I'm saying my prayers I say

Find me A primitive man Built on A primitive plan Someone With vigor and vim I don't mean the kind that belongs to a club But the kind that has a club that belongs to him I could be The personal slave Oi someone Just out of a cave The only man who will ever win me Has gotta wake up the gypsy in me Find me a primitive man Find me A primitive man

Kathy Krumm. Shh. She's not so bad.

No, Skeezix. That's Kathy Krumm.

You know her? Sure. We went to school together. P.S. 122.

You went to P.S. 122? Shh.

Trouve moi Un homme primitif Trouve moi Un garcon naif Ah!


Trouve moi un homme primitif Follow me.

This way. This way. Hello. Hello.

How'd you like the show? Sensational. Sensational.

Sisters. Mm-hmm.

Hi, gorgeous. Hello there.

Oh, boy. An American Indian. Hey.

Congratulations. I don't know this girl.

You don't know this girl? I've never seen her.

Hi, Mopsie.

You don't know these giris. Well!

Oh, thank you.


Excuse me. 'You.



Who is it?


Mopsie! Was I good?

Oh! Thank you.

I have another surprise for you. You do?

Mm-hmm. Oh, he's very cute.

No, not him. Behind you.

Kathy Krumm, you're a nasty girl.


P.S... 1-2-2!

1-2-2! And...

Hurrah for the orange and blue To 1-2-2 we will ever be true She gives us the knowledge to send us to college Hurrah for the orange and blue Come in here!

Look at you! You look absolutely gorgeous!

What about the time that Mr. Petrovich. Don't you dare.

Made a pass at you in the gym-Stop. It was the locker room.

After that game? That game was in the locker room.

I can't stand it! [ Giggling 1 I haven't thought about that. Neither have I.

But isn't he the one that started calling you Brookski?

You're right. I'd forgotten all about him.

Ooh, was he mean.

Mr. Spanish. Yeah?

I've been thinking. You remind me of someone I'm really quite fond of.

Yes? Who? Me.

Si. Mike and I, they look alike.

Yeah, except you look better. Oh, no. I prefer you.

Oh, you're too kind. Would you care to dance? That's a good idea.

Do you mind if I lead? My pleasure.

Listen to Mutt and Jeff. We can't talk for two minutes...

Two hours. And a half.

Not counting the car ride. It's been years and years.

I thought you didn't smoke. I don't.

Lots of terrible things have happened. What about that time in biology?

Would you yield for a question?

We'll consider it.

About public: school. I can't picture Brookie there.

Neither could the school. Mother thought I was getting spoiled.

So she took me out of Miss Hopkins's. And into 1-2-2.

Hurrah for the orange and blue And then what happened?

Nothing. Mother was right. I was spoiled.

After one year, boing- back I went to Miss Hopkins's.

What's it mean, boing? She got kicked out.

My mom couldn't afford it, so we didn't see each other much after that.

Why don't you guys go take a walk or something?

We did that. Twice.

Then go tie your tie.

You too.

Sir, you're not in fashion.

Thank you very much for pointing that out.

You're quite welcome.

It's the fashion, George.

I know, but Mildred is so out of touch.

I am not. She is not.

What are you doing, lady? Hands off of my husband.

It's the latest fashion.

I think we'd better dance before they throw us out.

Yeah. Okay, spaghetti. Let's go.

Canals. And it's so nice.

If you're ever in a jam, here I am Yeah. You've got it.

If you ever need a pal, I'm your gal If you ever feel so happy;

You land in jail, I'm your bail It's friendship, friendship Just the perfect blendship When other friendships have been forgot Ours will still be hot;

Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle Dig, dig, dig.


If you ever lose your way, come to "K"

I'm getting tired of this.

If you're ever in a flop, call for MOP Oh, MOP. By the other hand If you ever take a boat and get lost at sea Yes?

What? Write to me It's friendship, friendship Just the perfect blendship When other friendships have been forgit Ours will still be it Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle Chuck, chuck, chuck.

Oh, that's cute. Thank you.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and...

Hey, you wanna spend Sunday on the Sound?

Oh, would you, Brooke? He's got a terrific house.

Well, I'd have to get some clothes. Me too.

And Beth.

Lead off, Mr. Spanish. Yeah!

If you're ever down a well, ring my bell Choc-chem!

If you ever catch on fire, send a wire I Will, I Will. Yeah?

If you ever lose your teeth and you're out to dine, borrow mine It's friendship, friendship Just the perfect blendship When other friendships have ceased to gel Ours will still be swell Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle Hep, hep, hep.


I'm coming! I'm coming!

I'm coming. Well, hurry up. We've been waiting all night.

Oh, Brooke, it is late. It is not.

This will make it earlier, Beth.

I'm Mike Pritchard. How do you do?

Well, I don't mind if I-Where did you find him? He goes with Kathy here.

Remember my old friend Kathy? I told you about her.

Oh, that little girl from public: school. Well, I grew, if you don't mind.

You got good taste too. He's just someone I ran into.

I like your friend. And she's single too.

Oh, really? Thanks a lot.

Any more at home like you? Mercifully not.

You're just jealous. Well, what do they call you, big boy?

Rodney James. Rod.

That, I'm afraid, is the diminutive.

Well, I bet you ain't.

Get in here, John.

Bravo You missed three rounds, John. Four. Four. Four.

Oh, that's right, Mertle. Guzzle it, you old drunk.

I must say that bird drinks like a fish.

Thank you.

Broke, you drink too?

Brooke. Brook.

No. Brooke.

Si. Bruke.

No wonder you never invited me to your place.

Oh, dear.

If they ever black your eyes Put me wise Yeah.

If they ever cook your goose Turn me loose If they ever put a bullet through your brain, I'll complain It's friendship, friendship Just the perfect blendship When other friendships go up in smoke Ours will still be oke Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle Cluck, cluck, cluck.

Smell, smell, smell!

No. I'm driving. Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, Rod. You've only had one. Yeah, Rod.

That is not my name. I am simply not a "Rod."

Thank heaven. Open wide.


If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind Isn't he sweet? Yes.

If you ever lose your shirt, I'd be hurt There's a switch.

If you're ever in a mill and get sawed in half, I won't laugh It's friendship, friendship Just the perfect blendship When other friendships have been forgate Ours will still be great;

Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle Goo, goo, goo.


If they ever hang you, pard, send a card If they ever cut your throat, write a note You have my word.

If they ever make a cannibal stew of you Yeah? Invite me too Oh, it's friendship, friendship Just the perfect blendship When other friendships are up the crick Ours will still be slick Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle Zip, zip, zip.

Woof, woof, woof.

Quack, quack, quack. Tweet, tweet, tweet.

Peck, peck, peck. Push, push, push.

Hip, hip, hip. Put, put, put.

Give, give, give. Take, take, take.

Rod. Rodney.


Ah, Rodney.

Is she safe? Sir?

Did she get home safe? I thought she was with you, sir.

Who? Miss Carter.

No Miss Carter. Little Annie Orphan.

You mean the figure in the comic?

Of course. She has been trying to return to her Daddy Warbucks for three weeks.

He is not her real daddy because she is orphan.

She has no mama, no daddy.

She has no eyes either. Yeah. It's a symbol.

Ah. Well, sir, I haven't had a look yet.

Why don't you look for yourself?

Oh, grazie, grazie. Is there anything else you'd like?

Oh, no. Grazie. Thank you. It's enough.

Whatever you say, sir.

Leaping lizards!


Leaping lizards. She always says "Leaping lizards."

How eloquent. See, ma, she no home.

I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, tomorrow.

I shall say a small prayer.

Thank you! You are very gentle.

Thank you, sir.

What? Oh, never mind.

Don't just stand there. You look like a nervous turtle.

Another reptile. Huh?

How does one tell, I wonder, when turtles are nervous?

Well, they stay in their shells, Rodney ol' James.

Well, that is not the case with this turtle. No, huh?

No, he was simply amazed that anyone who could swill so much liquor of an evening... could possibly arise so early in the morning.

I love the way you talk.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Coffee's hot.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Those for Miss Carter? Yep.

An eccentric breakfast, I dare say.

Oh, she don't eat 'em. She don't-uh, doesn't?


Well, what does she do with them? She puts 'em on her face.

I see. Silly of me to ask.

I made some fresh orange juice in the icebox, if you want it.

No, thank you.

I don't believe I'll eat or drink for several days.

What do you all do around here to pass the time?

Oh, many things. Like?

Well, there are several splendid horses in the stable.

A large pool, a tennis court, a skeet range.

Mr. Pritchard also plays poker, football...

Oh, I love football. All that contact.

Madam, please, keep your distance.

I was just gonna get some orange juice for Miss Brooke.

I'm sorry.

You're an old grouch.

That's true.

You can put the coffee down now.

Isn't there anything you like to do? Yes, there is.

What? Sleep.

I bet you mean sleep too. Yes, I do.

But are you fond of riding, dear?

Kindly tell me if so Yes, I'm fond of riding, dear;

But in the morning, no;

No? No.

Well, are you good at shooting, dear?

Kindly tell me if so Yes, I'm good at shooting, dear But in the morning, no;

When the dawn's early light comes to crucify my night That's the time when I'm in low;

Are you fond of wrestling, dear?

Kindly tell me if so Yes, I'm fond of wrestling, dear;

But in the morning, no No, no?

No, no, no, no, no;

Have you got everything?


Shall we go amongst 'em?

I think we had better.

Can you do the crawl, my dear?

Kindly tell me if so I can do the crawl, my dear;

But in the morning, no;

When I, as Gunga Din, bring his bromo seltzer in That's the time when I'm in low Do you use the breaststroke, dear'?

Kindly tell me if so Yes, I use the breaststroke, dear But in the morning, no, no No, no?

No, no, no, no, no;

Rod, is that you? Yes, sir.

What are you yelling about? Just seeing if you're up, sir.

Have you got my fizzy? Right here, sir.

What shall I do with Miss O'Kelly's coffee?

She's gone for a walk or something equally bizarre.

I'll drink it. Yes, sir.

Morning, Beth. Hi.


Are you fond of poker, dear?

Kindly tell me if so Yes, I'm fond of poker, dear;

But in the morning, no;

Beth? Yeah.

Do you have it all? Yeah.


Can you fill an inside straight?

Kindly tell me if so I've filled plenty inside straights But in the morning, no, no No, no?

No, no, no, no, no What are you gonna do? Meditate.

Can I watch? No. Go away.

Okay. But, Rod...

Rodney? Yes.

I'll see you in the afternoon.


Buongiorno. Hiya.

Brooke is up? I think she's down.

Is bad? I'd say it's a four-cucumber day.

That's bad. It ain't good.

Well, I try.

Well, "boner fortuner." Oh.



It's me-Johnny.

No kidding.

Brooke, you are angry.

Brooke, I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth.

But it's only a little lie.

I become very rich very soon. Maybe tomorrow.

Okay, okay. I'll see you later.

Let me wake up now. Yeah, I go.

Brooke. What?

Little Annie Orphan no home yet.

Brooke? Did you hear about Little Annie?

Leaping lizards. Yeah.

I see you later, Mia Cara.

Is it in marble;

Or is it in clay?

Is what I thought a new Rolls A used Chevrolet?

Is it a sapphire Or simply a charm?

Is it real fire Yeah.

Or just a false alarm?

Is it today's thrill;

Or really romance?

Is it a kiss on the lips Or just a kick in the pants?

Is it the gay 906$

Cavorting above?

Or is it At long last Love?

Talking to yourself?

Uh, yeah, a little.

Nice day. Belissima.

Oh, that's Italian. Ah, for the day and for you.

Well, I think I'll go get a cruller or something.


Yeah. Auf Wiedersehen.

Ah, Kathy. Hmm?

Little Annie Orphan no home yet.

No, huh?

What about Dick Tracy? Oh, still the same.

Is bad. Sure is.

Yeah. Yeah.


Is it the rainbow;

Or just a mirage?

Will it be tender and sweet Or merely massage?

Is it a brainstorm In one of its quirks?

Or is it the best;

The crest The works'?

Is it for all time Or Simply a lark?

Is it the Lido I see;

Or only Asbury Park?

Should I say thumbs down And give it a shove?

Or is it at long last Love?

Talking to yourself?

I was just thinking about... things.

Anyone I know?


Well, don't go away. I'm just gonna...


Be right down.

Is it an earthquake Or simply a shock?

Is it the good turtle soup Or merely the mock?

Is it a cocktail This feeling of joy?

Or is what I feel The real McCoy?

Have I the right hunch Or have I the wrong?

Will it be Bach I shall hear or just a Cole Porter song?

Is it a fancy love We're thinking of?

Or is it at long Last Love?

Oh! Hoo-hoo!



Oh, I'm sorry. I've got alcohol in my eyes.

Well, that's an original way to drink. No. Shaving alcohol.

You shouldn't drink that at all. I wasn't drinking it.

Could we continue this conversation later? Gladly.

Thank you. Could I ask you one question before I go?

No. What's that all over your face?

Smallpox. Thank you.

Why don't you go shave?

I Will.

Is it a breakdown Or is it a break?

Dee, Dee, Dee, Dee Is it a real porterhouse Or only a steak What can account for These strange pitter-pats?

Could this be the dream The cream, the cats'?

Is it to rescue Or is it to wreck?

Is it an ache in the heart;

Or just a pain in the neck?

Is it the ivy you touch With a glove?

Or is it at long Last Love?

I wonder what'll happen.




Get yourself a scotch, Alfred.

Huh? That's okay. That's Mabel.

My mother.

Touchdown! I win.

Mother, you're always spoiling it.

I said no tackling. We're not gonna have any tack...

I hate this game. I've always hated this game.

Really, Kitty. You're getting awfully butch.

I don't know what came over me. Not to mention this other young lady.

Hi. I'm Brooke. I'm broken. My back is broken.

I'm sorry! He's always complaining.

Michael, if you're going to play with pros, you have to be prepared.

Yes, Mother. Now, who's this?

I'm Johnny Spanish. I bet you are.

No, Mabel. That's his name. I love it!

Now cut that out. He goes with her.

Lucky me! Oh, well, if that's your type.

You can have him, Mrs. Pritchard, but he's all show.

Oh, yes.

Call me Mabel, dear. I don't like to be reminded of my husband.

Sure. Tea, Mrs. P.?

Perfect timing, Rodney. Where would you like it?

Well, where am I now? I'd say you were in the middle of the backyard.

Well, I think I'll have my tea in the middle of the backyard.

Very good, madam. See how she makes decisions? Just like that.

Who's your playmate? Oh, that's Elizabeth.

Now, please, madam, don't encourage her.

I'm his shadow. You see what I mean.

Oh, now, Rodney. You're blushing.

That's a first. Is he blushing?

I've seen him blush before. He's blushing.

You can spare us the sordid details, Michael.

Could we change the subject?

Well, Rodney, you and Elizabeth run off and play.

We can manage the tea. Oh, yeah.

Oh, couldn't I stay? We're never alone.

I know what you mean, dear.

Madam, that is unfair.

Well, Rodney, let's face it. You are no pushover.

Oh, hear, hear.

Well, all right. Stay. Have a drink.

Thank you. Thank you.

Rodney, you're such a tiger.

I see you still haven't shaved that silly thing off.

Do we have to talk about it now? Don't you like his mustache?

She hates it. He only grew it to look like Rodney.

Well, he's my idol. He's mine too.

Oh, go away!

I see I'm still the only one currently unattached.

You'll all have to come to the club dance with me tonight, help me pick someone out.

Absolutely out of the question.

Michael. Hi, Mabel.

Hello, handsome. Hello, madam.

Your mother looks beautiful tonight. Yes.

Who's that stick she's dancing with?

Captain Craig.

I don't know what he's captain of. That's what they've always called him.

Maybe it's his first name. I knew a guy called Sergeant once.


They don't like tip-tap.

They don't like anything.

I think if a bomb fell right outside, they'd just give you that look and go right on dancing.

Oh, of course. Didn't you know?

Yes? When you're out in smart society;

And you suddenly get bad news You mustn't show anxiety No?

And proceed to sing the blues Hmm.

For example, tell me something sad Something awful Something grave And I'll show you how a Racquet Club lad would behave Okay.

Have you heard the coast of Maine Just got hit by a hurricane?

Well, did you evah?

What a swell party this is Perfect! Have you heard that Uncle Newt;

Forgot to open his parachute?

Well, did you ever;

What a swell party this is Precisely!

It's great, it's grand It's wonderland It's tops, it's first;

It's DuPont, it's Hearst;

What soup What-a fish That meat What a dish What salad What cheese Yes? Pardon me One moment, please Have you heard that poor, dear Blanche Got run down by an avalanche?

Well, did you ever?

What a swell party this is Have you heard Mrs. Cass had three beers and then ate the glass?

Well, did you ever?

Hmm. What a swell party this is

Any bets? Just go ahead.

Have you heard it's in the stars Next July we collide with Mars?

Well, did you evah!

What a swell party this is.

Have you heard that poor old Ted Just turned up in an oyster bed?

Well, did you evah!

What a swell party this is What daiquiris What sherry, please What Burgundy What great Pommery What brandy. Wow!

What whiskey. And how!

What gm and what beer Will you sober up, my dear?

Have you heard Professor Munch Ate his wife and divorced his lunch?

Well, did you evah?

What a swell party this is Help! Coraggio!

Would you, old man? Of course.

Have you heard that Mimsie Starr Just got pinched in the Astor Bar Well!

Swell party.

Michael, what are you doing?

Have you heard that Captain Craig Breeds termites in his wooden leg?

Michael Oliver Pritchard!

What a swell party this is It's fun, it's fine It's too divine It's smooth, it's smart It's Rodgers, it's Hart;

What debs What stage, What gossip What gags What feathers What fuss Just between the flour oi us Michael, you are incorrigible!

Lilly Lane has lousy luck She was there when the lightning struck Well, did you ever!

What a swell party this is.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Mabel.

Mrs. Smith in her new Hup Crossed the bridge when the bridge was up Well, did you ever!

What a swell party this is.

I believe I need a drink.

Hey, Spanish. They're deserting us.

I see. Let's go. I'm with you, John. Excuse us.

It's fun, it's fresh It's post depresh It's Shangri-la It's Harper's Bazaar Oh, what domes Que! Chic Those pearis, they're the peak Oh!

What glamor and what cheer

This will simply slay you, dear Kitty isn't paying calls She slipped over Niagara Falls Well, did you ever?

What a swell party this is Yeah? Yeah.

And Johnny's rather scatterbrained He dove in when the pool was drained Well, did you ever?

What a swell party this is

Is that thing itchy?

What thing? The thing on your lip.


No. Not at all?

Well, when it's growin' in.


A little.

Kiss me, you fool.

On. Right.

Michael? Brooke!

Did you hear something? No.

I hate to tell you what I think it was.

Then don't.

All right.

Brooke? Michael!

I don't hear a thing.

Well, I do. It's your mother.



Yes, Mabel.

Where are you?

Oh. Hi.

We were just looking for Kitty and John. What a coincidence.

Oh, have you seen them? Yes. They just left.

They left? Right.

Where'd they go? Back to the city.

Gee. They didn't want to disturb you.

Oh, they didn't? No.

But we weren't doing anything... special.

Were we? I can't think of anything.

Mmm. Kitty has a matinee tomorrow, and Mr. Spagnoli indicated there was a rather heavy card game scheduled.

Oh. I see.

Well, you may take the car.

The captain's going to show me his lighthouse. See you in a day or so.

Good night. Good night, Mom.

Good night, Mabel.

Could you please turn the station? Can you find another station?

All right. Take it easy.

But why so gloomy are we?

The night is beautiful. You are beautiful.

I'm beautiful. You ain't bad.


I have idea. Oh, I bet you do.

I'm no Boob McNutt. And I'm no Dumb Dora.

Si. You know, I prefer Blondie .7 Oh, I know. Oh, no! No.

What's your idea?

They make us unhappy? We make them unhappy.

How do we do that? They make us jealous? We make them jealous.

Give them some of their own medicine, you mean. Of course!

We are seen everywhere. We hold hands. We kiss.

We- Uh-huh.

What do you think?

I think this is a very original pass.

No, it's not a pass. No.No, no.

Si. It's just sort of a show we put on?

Doesn't mean anything? No.


Do we rehearse? If you like.


This show could be a hit.

You're such a Ne plus ultra creature What was that? French.

That if I had your photo I couldn't pick my favorite feature I like you so in Toto Latin. Oh, thank you.

In every way, from every angle You're the bangle I long to dangle Very convincing. I'll say that much for you.

Or from basement to roof From Wagner opera to opera bouffe Go on. I love it. I love it!

From alpha to omega What?

Oh. Yeah.

From alpha to omega I thought you said "alfalfa."

You were made for me "From alpha to alfalfa."

You are nice. You know that?

From left hooks by Dempsey To Braddock's uppercuts From Jericho to Kokomo Not to mention from soup to nuts Is this part of the show?

From Journal until Mirror I'm not so good on that turf.

From coast to coast Oh, I don't know about that.

From Juliet to Norma Shearer;

You're what I like the most;

Yeah? Yeah.

And from morning until evening Will you stun yourself with wine?


Till from alpha to omega You are mine

Here we are!


Here we are.

Will you be needing anything else, sir?

No. Ta-ta! Hmm.

No, you can go to bed, Rod.

Good night, Rod. Good night.

Never gets that right, and he never will.

I don't know why he keeps trying to do it.

Once a week we have it, and I have to pick it up and dust it off, put it on the shelf.

Ridiculous actually.

Guess who!

The bride of Frankenstein.

Oh, how'd you know? I have a sixth sense.


I got dressed just for you.

Undressed, you mean.

Oh, now, don't be vulgar, Rodney.

Where do you think you're going? With you.

I'm simply going to park the car.

I love parking.

I don't know.

I feel a little guilty.

So I've noticed.

You could have a great career Hmm? And you should.

Only one thing stops you, dear.

Too much money.

You're too good.

If you want a future, darling, why don't you... get a past?

'Cause that fatal moment's coming At last;

We're all alone Want a drink?

No chaperone Can get our number The worid's in slumber;

Let's Misbehave

There's something wild About you, child That's so contagious Let's be outrageous And misbehave

When Adam won Eve's hand, he wouldn't stand For teasin'

He didn't care about;

Those apples out of season



They say that spring Means just one thing To little lovebirds We're not above birds

I feel a sudden urge to sing Huh?

The kind of ditty that invokes the spring So control your desire to curse While I crucify the verse This verse you've started seems to me Yeah?

The Tin-Pantithesis of melody So spare me, please, the pain.

Just skip the damn thing and sing the refrain.

Mi-mi-mi-mi No, no, no, no;


Take it away

The night is young And the skies are clear So if you want to go walking, dear;

It's delightful It's delicious It's de-lovely I understand the reason why You're sentimental 'Cause so am I;

Are we?

It's delightful It's delicious It's de-lovely You can tell at a glance What a swell night this is for romance You can hear dear Mother Nature Murmuring low;

"Let yourself go"

So please, be sweet, my chickadee And when I kiss you, just say to me It's delightful? Mm-hmm.

It's delicious It's delectable?

It's delirious It's dilemma It's de-limit It's deluxe It's de-lovely Come on! Where are we going?

Take a dip! Take a dip?

In the pool. How exciting.

Hey. Katerina. [ Giggling 1 Ah! Katerina!




What are you doing? I dance.

I didn't know you could dance. Yeah.

You see? I don't think I can do that.

Try it. Watch out.

Bene. See?

Yeah. Of course bene. The night is young.

You are young. Grazie.

From cotton plowed under;

Ba-Ba-Ba-bam From Benzedrine to Ovaltine Not to mention from go to stop

That's my house.

Ah, that's your...

From corn muffins to Triscuit From fat;

To thin From Zev to the young Seabiscuit I'll bet on you to win And will you beat me and maltreat me And bend my Spanish spine?


From alpha to omega

Last one in's a rotten chicken!


I'm a rotten chicken.


The knot is... Ah, swell.

So we take a few hours off to eat the wedding cake It was your idea.

It's delightful Oh! It's deli-

It's de-lovely It feels so fine to be a bride How's the groom? Well, he's slightly fried It's delightful It's delicious It's-I can't swim. Oh!

To the pop of champagne Off we hop in our plush little plane Till the bright light from the darkness Cozily calls Niagara Falls;

All's well, my love Our day's complete And what a beautiful bridal suite It's de-reamy It's de-rowsy It's de-reverie It's de-rhapsody;

It's de-regal It's de-royal It's de-Ritz It's It's de-lovely

Madam, please.

This is my room!

Oh, tell it to the marines.

The marines?

I love your p.j.'s.

You'll have to excuse me. I was just... doing the books.

Are you good at figures, dear?

Kindly tell me if so Yes, I'm good at figures, dear;

But in the morning, no;

Do you do double entry, dear?

Kindly tell me if so I do double entry, dear;

But in the morning, no, no;

Yes, yes No, no Yes, yes; No, no, no, no, no;

Yes. Mmm.

We're on the crest We have no cares We're just a couple of honey bears It's delightful It's delicious It's de-lovely All's as right as can be Till one night at my window I see An absurd bird with a bundle hung on his nose;

Get baby clothes.

These eyes of mine are filled with joy;

The nurse appears and cries, "It's a boy!"

He's appalling He's appealing He's a polliwog He's a paragon He's a Popeye. He's a panic. He's a pip.

It's getting late!

And while I wait, my poor heart aches on Why keep the brakes on'?

Let's misbehave?

I feel quite sure un peu diamour Would be attractive While we're still active Let's misbehave You know my heart 'vs true When you say you for me care Somebody's sure to tell But what the hell Do we care?

They say that bears have love affairs And even camels.


We're merely mammals

There you go, Frank. There you go, Frank.


Did you see that? Of course I saw it.

Didn't take them very long, did it? Nope. First pitch.

How do you know she pitched? Huh?

He might have done the pitching. Remember Casanova? He was Italian too.

Ollie, what are you talking about?

What do you mean what am I talking about? I'm talking about our two friends over there.

Giving the ball game some pretty stiff competition.

Well, good for them. What's wrong with that?

Johnny's a swell guy, and she's a peach.

I just wish they weren't so angry at us.

You mean you knew that was going on? Nope. But I'm glad.

You are? Mm-hmm.

Makes me not feel so bad about stealing her boyfriend.

You're strong, you know that? Mm-hmm.

All gone.

Hey, that's a good idea. We'll let them see us.


You're jealous? Oh, don't be absurd. Me jealous?

You are! I am not.

You thought she'd be pining away for you.

I certainly didn't have any such thought.

Now just be quiet and watch the ball game.

Hey, Ollie. That reminds me. What?

Did you hear about the horse that could pitch and field as good as Babe Ruth?

A horse?

It's a joke. Oh, that's funny.

It's not finished yet. Oh.

This horse could pitch and field, you see, so the manager asked his trainer...

He said, "Can he bat?" Oh, that's very funny.

It's not over yet. It's the longest joke I've ever heard.

If you'd be quiet, I could finish it. Well, go on. Finish it.

All right.

The manager says, "Can he bat?"

And the trainer answers, "Whoever heard of a horse that can bat?"

Yeah? Go on.

Oh, forget it.

Kill him! Kill him!

Hit him on the head! Kill him!

Yes! Go!

Kill him! Kill him!


I'll be right back. All right, Ollie.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.



You- Ah, yes.

Excuse me.

Johnny, what happened to you?

Our show is a very big success.

It is? Oh, very big.

I think we close tonight.


Johnny Spanish-wonderful chap. And he's in love with you.

That's what he told me. Mm-hmm.

And Kitty and I-Well, she makes me laugh.

Anyway, Johnny and I-Well, we decided to make it up between us.

I hope you're very happy together.

No, seriously.

He's got a big poker game or something over in Staten Island tonight, and this time he's positive his ship is gonna come in.

Mm-hmm. Like the Titanic.

And he's gonna call you tomorrow. Hmph.

He doesn't hold anything against us.

As a matter of fact, he feels...

Why don't you just come out and say what you mean?

Well, as Dorothy Parker once said to her boyfriend...

Fare thee well Mm-hmm.

As Columbus announced when he knew he was bounced...

It was swell, Isabelle Swell Yeah, but... As Abelard said to Heloise Don't forget to drop a line to me, please You mean- As Juliet cried in her Romeo's ear;

"Romeo, why not face the fact, my dear?"


It was just one of those things Just one of those crazy flings Mm-hmm.

One of those bells that now and then ring Just... one of those things.

That's right.

It was just one of those nights Just one of those fabulous flights A trip to the moon on gossamer wings Just one of those things Taxi!

If we'd thought a bit about the end of it Take me home. When we started painting the town We'd have been aware that our love affair Too hot... not to cool down.

So good-bye, dear, and amen Here's hoping we meet now and then It was great fun But it was just one Oi those 'Mugs

I wonder which is which.

Excuse me? No, I won't.

Now, really, Elizabeth. I don't see why you continue to blame me for the actions of my employer.

After all, it's none of our affair.

You watch your words, junior, unless you want a fat lip.

I didn't mean-I know what you meant. You know what he meant, don't ya?

Don't exert yourself, Mertle.

She's probably hungry. I'll take care of my bird. Thanks a lot.

All right.

Just drive, curly. Just drive.

Right through there, boys.


Are you here? It's Johnny. No!

That's what I thought. She says she's not here.

No kiddin'.

Brooke, he says he's won a half-a-million-dollar pot!


She says, "Congralutations."

He wants to know if you want to help him spend it.

I'm not here.

She's not here.

Okay. Sorry, Johnny.


Okay. The show's over, boys. Beat it.

You look like you ain't et in a week. Ain't ya hungry?


Did you see the paper?

Your pal bought a new horse for Kitty, but Rod says she's not answering her phone neither.

Yeah, I thought you'd like it.

Well, I got a reaction anyway. I'm glad to see you ain't blind yet.

Order more champagne.

Oh, come on, honey! Ain't you had enough?

No guy is worth this.

What guy? I'm just an "alhocolic."

All right.

Well, I'll order some more up for you, but first I gotta wash up a little... and feed Mertle.

She's starving. I'll be right back.

Take your time. Take your time.


People buying horses.

It's disgusting.

Silliest thing I ever heard.

Newspapers are.


My story is much too sad to be told But practically everything Leaves me totally cold The only exception I know Is the case When I'm out on a quiet spree Fighting vainly the old ennui And I suddenly turn and see Your fabulous Face

I get no kick from champagne Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all So tell me, why should it be true That I get a kick out of you?

Some get a kick from cocaine I'm sure that if I took even one sniff That would bore me terrifically too Yet I get a kick out of you

I get a kick every time I see you Standing there before me I get a kick though it's clear to me You obviously don't Adore me I get no kick in a plane;

Flying too high with some guy in the sky Is my idea Of nothing to do Yet I get a kick Out of you

I'm coming!

Hold your horses!

What? Telegram for Miss Carter, madam.

I'm a "miss" too, wise guy.

Oh. No slur intended.

Oh. No tip neither.

Beth, you could have given him a dime.

Snooks, we ain't got a...

I can't see very well, but isn't your mouth hanging open?

Honey, it is a miracle.


"Dear Brooke,"

"Have today wired your bank one million unsullied American dollars."

"Will write soon. Love, your sullied mother."

What the hell does "sullied" mean?

That's British for "Ole."


Come on. Get up. Why?

'Cause we are going to that old "400" dance tonight.

We are not! Yes, we are.

I'm tired of you mopin' around.

I haven't got anything to wear!

You've got a million dollars, dummy.

What's a million dollars without love?

It ain't hay, Snooks.

Come on, children. Come on.

Tony will be- Could you please help?

Come on, Alexander. We'll go home soon.



This is very cute. Miss?

Oh, do you want this? You got it.

Excuse me, miss. Could you come over here, miss?

Brooke, you've gone bananas.

It ain't hay, Snooks.

Brookski? Kathy!

I'm so sorry. I ruined everything.

Oh, no, no. It's not your fault. We can't blame a soul.

I can think of a couple of heels.

You don't hate me? Are you kidding?

P.S... 1-2-2!

Oh, come on, you two.

Cut it out.

Trouble is, nobody ever learned you the facts of life. Shove over.

When Mummy in her sixteenth year Was dreaming of romance a lot She thought that she was Guinevere And every boy Sir Lancelot Sir Lancelot. Guinevere.

Come on in. This is free.

But now that Mummy's more mature And knows her way about She don't believe in "Vive l'amour"

For Mummy's found out;

Most gentlemen don't like love They just like to kick it around Most gentlemen can't take love

'Cause most gentlemen can't be profound As Madam Sappho In some sonnet said A slap and a tickle is all that the fickle male Ever has in his head Most gentlemen don't like love They just like to kick it around

So just remember; What?

When you get that glance What is this?

A romp and a quickie Oh!

Is all little Dickie means When he mentions romance That's right.

Take that!

And that!

In every land, children What?

They're all the same Yes.

A pounce in the clover Then when it's over

"So long and what is your name?"

Follow me!

Up. One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight.

Most gentlemen don't like love They just like to-

Most gentlemen

Can't be profound So if your boyfriend some fine night should say;

He'll love you forever;

Part from you never Just push mm out oi the hay Yeah!

'Cause most gentlemen don't like love We've been in love And we know what we're talking about;

Oh, to our woe We have found out; Let's hear it!

They just like to slap it;

They just like to squeeze it They just like to bounce it around They just like to Kick it around

Hey, Brooke. Let's go for a walk. Yeah, okay.

Beth, you'll see about the stuff? Oh, sure. You two go ahead.


Get me Murray Hill 4-1599, please.

Charge it to Brooke Carter.

Hello, Rod?

Now listen very carefully, meathead.


I feel better already.

I mean, let's just go back.

And we're gonna dance with a different sucker every dance.

And flirt with them all. Make 'em all suffer.



He can't even speak English.

I know.

He reads the funny papers.

I know.

Gambles like a fool.

I know.

He snores. I know.

He loves me.

I know.

Well, he's completely irresponsible. I know.

And terribly lazy. I know.

He drinks much too much. I know.

He snores. I know.

He loves me.

I know.

Isn't it silly?

The gods who nurse this universe think little of mortals' cares They sit in crowds on exclusive clouds And laugh at our love affairs I might have had a real romance If they'd given me a chance I love him But he didn't love me I wanted him But he didn't want me Then the gods had a spree And indulged in another whim Now he loves me But I don't love him

I told this tale with its weary wail To several devoted wives Really?

They said, "You're young You have simply sung"

"The story of all our lives"

So maybe there are couples here Who have had the same career You loved him But he didn't love you You wanted mm But he didn't want you Then the gods saw you two And indulged in another whim Now he loves you But you don't love him

There they are.

Come on. You two go ahead.

Hmm? Oh.

Of course.

Beat it, junior.

Yes, sir.

Well, it took you long enough. Are those other two bozos here?

Of course.

What are you doin' in the mornin'?

What did you have in mind?

From being merely a necessary luxury;

And someone sympathetic to have about; Mm-hmm.

Why, now you're nearly a luxurious necessity I couldn't imagine ever living without Oh, yeah?

I suppose I could somehow struggle through Mm-hmm.

But I hate to picture myself without you Flummery. It's all flummery.

Picture Henry Ford without a car;

Picture heaven's firmament without a star Picture Fritzy Kreisler without a fiddle Tsk, tsk., Picture poor Philadelphia without a Biddle Picture Central Park without a sailor Picture Mr. Lord minus Mr. Taylor;

Mix them all together and what do you got?

Just a picture of me without you

Picture Ogden Nash without a rhyme Picture Mr. Bulova without the time Picture Staten Island without a ferry Picture little George Washington without a cherry Picture brother Cain without his Abel Picture Pritchard here minus Mother Mabel Mix them all together and what have you got?

Yes? Just a picture of you without me Oh, no.

Picture Paul Revere Without a horse Picture love in Hollywood Without divorce Yeah.

Picture Barbara Hutton without a nickel Picture poor Mr. Heinz, my dear, without a pickle Picture a good cigar without Havana Picture Huey Long less Louisiana Mix them all together and what have you got?

Just a picture of me without-

You without Me without You without me Me Just a picture of me without you

Change partners!

She is lovely, no?

She is lovely, yes.

I think she is more lovelier now than ever I see her.


Isn't she beautiful? She sure is.

I think she's more beautiful now than I've ever seen her.