Attack of the Killer Donuts (2016) Script

Johnny. You're gonna be late for work again.

I'm up mom.

Good morning gorgeous.

Good morning.

Or should I say good afternoon?

Wooh. Bacon. I love bacon.

And mama loves you.

John Blake Wentworth.

How many times have I told you to cut the grass?

It's a jungle out there.

I promise. I will cut it tomorrow.

For sure.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow. You're almost a grown man.

And I am late for work.

Who's the most beautiful mother in all of Shady grove? Hm?

Who is it? I think it's you.

Who is that?

It's my mom. My mom is.

Ok. How much?


I mean it.

Fifty Bucks?

For someone that works as much as you do, how come you're always so broke?

It's Veronica. She's, she has expensive taste.

She should get a job. Like Michelle.

Michelle. She's like a friend from grade school. Okay.

Veronica is hot.

Michelle is perfect for you. Veronica is great. and she is crazy about me.

Of course she is crazy about you.

You shower her with attention and money all the time.

No. It's not like that. She's a really sweet girl.

You'll see.

Okay. When do I get to meet her?

Uh. You'll get to meet her very soon. She's just uh...

She's just a really, uh... Shy girl Uh Hmm...

Here you go. Thank you.

Uh hm.

Have you seen my tablet?


Did you ask your uncle Luther?


You be nice to your uncle. He's a misunderstood genius.

Alright Veloci. We are going to make history.

Don't worry. This won't hurt a bit, because you're dead.

...and if you aren't, it'd hurt like a motherfucker.

Here we go.


Shit, Shit, Shit!

No. No, you may not eat Minnie.

You, Bitch!


Uncle Luther.

Uncle Luther. Open up.


Uncle Luther, do you have a chicken in there?

What's going on?

Noth'n Uncle Luther, open up.

Do you have my tablet?

I've done it. I've made the greatest discovery in the twenty first century.

Geez man. Didn't you hear me calling you?

Please, never enter my lair when the door is locked.

Oh, there it is.

No, I need that. Oh man, what did you do?

I'm late. I gotta go.

No. Wait.

You're gonna ruin my greatest hour.

Cool. Thanks.

Hey. What?

I told you I needed that laptop done by this morning.

So imagine my surprise. When I come downstairs and see it still sitting there... ...untouched.

Well, it's not like I wasn't working.

Serving doughnuts, not exactly a flourishing career move.

Neither is lying, and getting paid for it.

I'm not lying.



People bring me their broken shit. They pay me. They pick it up fixed.

Not by you.

Who cares?

Me. The person who's not getting paid for the work.

I pay you.

Is it invisible money?

It's wear and tear.


I drive you to work.

Half the time, I am late...

That's not the point.

...and the other half, you make me take the bus, at night.

Also not the point.

Then what is the point of this conversation, other than you making me late, right now?

The point of this conversation is, I do something for you, you do something for me.

I fix your computers while you lie and say you do.

That's something.

You didn't fix the laptop.

Well, it's not going to happen right now.


After work. Tonight.


I'm not driving you tomorrow if you don't do it.

Really? Really.

What's next? You gonna tell mom?

And you sassing me is not helping the situation.

How about I walk for now on? And you fix your own computers.

Okay. If that's how you want to play it.


You're bluffing, but...

Okay. Hey hey hey. Shh.

Let's just chill.

Breath it out.

Always the loving brother.

Thank you.

I was being sarcastic.

I know. Dick.


Nice to be to make it, sunshine.

This thing is ruined.

Hold your water Nancy? I got it.

It's useless. My stupid uncle.

Here you go.

What the...

How did you... I got the skills to pay the bills baby.

Damn. It stinks. Did you take out the garbage?

I was a little busy. What, with being the only one here, and all.

Sorry, I... I'm just having a...


I'll take it out.

I'll help you.

We shouldn't leave the store. What if we get a customer?

Yeah right. We haven't had a customer in days.

It's just slow right now. It'll pick up.

I don't know how Cliff manages to stay in business.

Easy. He pays us crappy wages and cuts every corner imaginable.

Johnny. Hey Babe.

I've been looking all over for you.

Great. Princess "Spread Your Legs".

Come on babe. You know I work the late shift.

Yes. Of course.

Johnny. We have to get back to work.

You should come inside.

I can't. I'm in a rush.

Who's the dude?

Oh, that's Bobby.

He's just giving me a ride.

I'll bet he is.

What did you say?

Nothing. I am going back inside.

I'll leave you two love birds alone.

Thanks Michelle. Bye. Michelle.

Weird. I don't think your friend likes me very much.

No. Michelle is great. She...

Okay. What else... Dude, I need money.

Baby, I just gave you money yesterday.

I know, but... you work late, and leave me at home all by myself. What am I supposed to do?

Woah. What about my kiss?

Babe let's go! I ain't got time. I am on house arrest.

Did he just call you babe?

No. Don't be silly.

Oh hi Johnny.

Hey Mrs. S, How are you today?

Just Peachy.

I'm going to treat myself to one of these delicious jelly doughnuts.

My. Look at that one. That's a tongue.

I've been working extra hard on my diet, and today is my cheat day.

We'll be happy to take care of that for you.

Oh, great.

Here comes trouble.

Oh no.

I'm here for the device.

Uncle Luther. I am working.

Where is it?

I don't want to use salty language in front of the lady.

Oh my.

I told you not to come back.

I'm here to speak with my nephew. and I said get out.

I don't want your kind in my classy eating establishment.

Yeah, this place screams class.

Cliff, Luther is my uncle. He's one of the few paying customers we have.

And I told you not to let him back into my store.

It's mine. Get! What are you doing?

Get out. Help me.

You ruffian. Help. Police. Help me.

Johnny. Michelle. ruffian

Nope. Are you?

I'm good.

You bastard. Help me.

Johnny. Police. Help. Police.

It's mine.

You two are useless.

I get assualted, and you sit there and you do nothing.

Someone has to watch the fryer at all times.

Rule number three in the Dandy Donut safety manual.

Just gonna put that back, huh?

I'll be in my office.

I'm not hungry.

But it's doughnuts. It's free doughnuts.

You know I don't take freebies Fred.

Come on, you just gotta lighten up just a little bit, uh?

What about the perp?

Don't mind me. I'll wait here.

Free doughnuts!

Are my doughnuts ready dear?

Here you go. A dozen for the waist.

I only asked for one.

Go for it. You earned it. It's your cheat day.

Oh well, if you insist.

Thanks kids.

Excuse me officers. Excuse me.

Good evening officers.

What's up kids?

Ah, we have a fresh batch of glazed.

Ah, we can't wait, we got a perp in the car.

You better hurry. This man wants some doughnuts.

How about a cup of fresh coffee?

Ah. Actually, you know what. We'll just settle for a cup of yours.

Good one.

I tell you what. It's on the house.

I like your style kid.

Blue Light special?

Now that's funny.

I can't believe you like our coffee.

Ah. I don't really. It just keeps me regular.

Anything for Shady Grove's finest.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

You have a free box of glazed.

My favorite kind.

Thanks kids.

Have a good evening kids.

See ya.


Did you miss us?

Oh. Doughnuts. Can I get one?

Oh shut up. There's no eating in the car.

Woah woah woah. You're not going to let me have a doughnut?

No crumbs in the seat.

Come on. can I get a doughnut?

No. Please.

You're not gonna let him have a doughnut?

Alright. Fine. We've broken all the rules today, why stop now?

It's your lucky day. Nice. That looks good.

My ass is kicking in.

Damn, he was hungry.

Whiskers Mcfur.

We've been waiting for this all week.

Come to mama boys.

Man, you look terrible.

I'm not feel'n too good.

Hey look. If you hurl in this car, I'm gonna come back there and break your...

Oh my God. God, what is that?

I think I'm gonna hurl. Wait till we get to the station.

Station? This guy's going to explode back there.

Keep it together.

Here you go. Thank you my good man and put it on my tab.

Of course.

Do you smell patchouli?

Greetings kids.

Is Clifford available?

Sure thing. I'll get him.

Can I get you anything?

Oh no. I wouldn't get caught dead here.

I am on a very strict gluten free paleo vegan diet.

Flanagan what do you want? I'm very busy.

I just wanted to show you my, latest creation.

Lucky me. What is it?

Open it, you silly goose.

It's Fruitle Swoole's latest edition to the menu.


Circular Bliss.

It looks like a tiny doughnut.

Hey, what gives Flanagan? It's a tiny round doughnut.

It is a tiny round doughnut. You boof.

Where do you think they get the word "circular" from?

So what's the big deal?

The big deal my uncouth compadre, is that it is made from the freshest certified organic gluten free, fat free ingredients.

Nothing less for my customers.

Good luck with that.

Anything else?

The best part.

Three fifty retail.

A piece?

You won't even sell one, you moron.

Actually, my halitosis inflicted competitor, three dozen sold this morning.

Seriously dude?

Well. Just because it has all those healthy ingredients doesn't mean it necessarily tastes good.

Try it. No.

I dare you.

I'm all set. Thanks.

Not willing to admit defeat?

Not into hippie food.

I'll try it.


What are ya doing?

Don't eat that Michelle.

Where's she going?

Don't you dare eat...

She's eating the doughnut.

She'a eat...

It's probably terrible.

I can feel it tingling all over my body.

That's heaven.

Flanagan. I want you to try Ollie's concoction. Stay right here.

Hello Howard.


Are you ready for my famous macaroni and cheese with bacon?

Yeah, Yes.

Well? Why are you standing there? Come in.

What is it?

Well, I call it the DoucheNut It's our new free range, whole wheat, harvest scent sugar free doughnut.

It looks like a regular doughnut.

Hmm! Impressive, ain't it?

Go ahead, I dare ya.

Actually I am not. Go ahead and have you bag that up for me.

Take it home.

I'll have it later.

Still wondering why I'm doing here.

Johnny, why don't you bag up Mr. Flanagan's DoucheNut to go, would ya?

You got it boss.

What's a DoucheNut?

Just a regular sugar doughnut.


Here you are Mr. Flanagan.

Oh, thank you so much. You're so kind.

I would love, love, love to stay around and chit-chat all day with you all day.

Perhaps catch some salmonella too, but I have a high yoga class to go to.


Yeah, Goodbye.

Good riddance.


Did you pick up that doughnut from before?

Which doughnut?

The one I dropped.

I kicked it over here, but it's gone.

Maybe Cliff got it.

Cliff wouldn't bend over to pick up his mom if she was on the ground.

Unless his mom was a quarter.

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

Heavy breathing?

Must be the coffee maker.

Hey! What's up?

Hey man.

You're in a good mood.

Yeah? What's with the silly grin?

It's just a beautiful night out. That's all.

Dude, you can't be back here.

Yeah. Go away.

We are...

It's fat free, right?

Oh my god.

It tastes like... shit.

Oh god.

So much, smooth away the lotion... So much, smooth away the lotion...

Aw, shit.

Fred. Wake up. I'm up. I'm up.

The perp is gone. What?

Oh shit... What the hell happened?

This is...

Give me that man. What are you doing?

You do you mean? I am calling it in.

Are you crazy? You can't just announce to everybody we lost the perp.

Procedure man Now we could lose our jobs.

Look, we got a dangeous man out there.

We gotta tell somebody Okay, just stop talking. Stop talking.

Let's go find the perp.

Alright. you're right.

Alright, you're right.

Shit. Get the door Fred.

Forget the door. Let's find the perp.

You got to do the double move.


The double move.

The double move. Get up, let me show you.

Why does he always hang out here?

Would you keep it down? He'll hear you.


So, it'll hurt his feelings.

He doesn't have many friends.

Many, or any?

Fine. I'm his only friend.

He only comes here, because there is nowhere else to go.

What about his house?

His parents have a sweet pad.

Have you been inside?

The place is like a museum.

You have to take your shoes off at the door, and you can't touch anything.

His dad is always working, and his mom pops Xanies like they're bon bons.

I didn't know.

He comes in my house, even if I am not there.


Hangs out with my mom.

Dude. That's weird.

Sha has a soft spot for him.

So, is Veronica your girlfriend?

That's out of nowhere.

I mean. I'm just curious, because I never see you guys together.

Except for when she's in here, asking you for money.

She doesn't always ask for money.

She comes to see me.


She's my girlfriend. Alright?


She's just a private person.

If you insist.

Veronica doesn't like public displays of affection.

Why'd you stop?

Why can't we just go to your place?

I told you, my brother is at home.

Besides, I'm crazy about you babe. You're the clam in my chowder.

Oh, you're so romantic.

This can't be happening.

The doughnut Shop.

Welcome to Dandy Donuts. How can I help you?

We're here for the free doughnuts.

Try the dumpster out back.

Come on. Show us the goods.

Show me the money.

He means your ta-tas.

Yeah, Show us your boobs.

Look guys. I don't want any trouble. So why don't you just order?

That's right. You don't want any truoble.

I tell you what. Why don't go blow yourself.

I am sure you have lots of practice.

Oh ho! Slam! Dude. She totally diss'd you.

Wise Ass, huh?

A little bit.

Maybe, you just have the hots for me.

And you want a taste.

I just threw up in my mouth.

Dude. Slammed again.

She's totally owning you Conrad.

Either order or...

Did you say Conrad?

Did they call you Connie, for short? That's cute.

Connie Connie You're making look bad in front of my boys, bitch.

What did you say?

Hey. Are you the manager? This bitch is giving me lip.

Dude. Call that again and we're gonna have a problem.

Oh yeah?

Everyone is giving you lip today Connie.

Shut the hell up.

Two hits. Me hitting you and you hitting the floor.

Anytime you are ready pal.

I'm right here princess. Come at me!

I got your back bro.

Why don't you just get before we call the cops.

You eat me!


Cover your eyes Howard.

Get off me!


What the hell happened here?

This bitch...

You call her a bitch one more time...

Johnny. That's enough.

Go to the kitchen.

They asked me to show them my ta-tas.

I'm a witness.

I wrote down my statement.

She pepper sprayed me man.

My eyes are burning.

They were rude to Michelle.

Who the hell are you? I'm johnny's...

Shut up, you.

Michelle. Did you pepper spray these customers?

My eyeballs.


Stop right there.

You're fired.


Take that! Yeah, beotch.

What? You heard me. Get out.

Johnny. Get these nice young men a box of doughnuts.

But these assholes...

I don't care. Just do it.

If Michelle goes, I go.

Think Johhny. Think nothing.

I'm out.

Hey. Michelle.

Will you take me home?

Yeah, of course.

Um, I'll meet you at your place.

Um, I'm taking Michelle home.

I'll just hang with your mom.

Oh. Isn't that nice?

Here you go kids. On the house.

Bullshit man. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

My eyes are still burning man.

Stop bitching already.

This place is a dump.

I hope you get explosive diarrhea you filthy animals.

Bulgarian mail order bride dot com. Here I come.

Are you okay?

I don't know. I just quit my job.

It was a crappy job anyway.

It was the only crappy job I had.

Well, ask for it back. I'm sure Cliff will say yes.


Seriously. Don't quit because of me.

I'm not going to let him treat you like that.

You've been my friend since the fourth grade.

You mean, since I beat you up in Miss Marino's class?

You're never gonna let that go, are you?

Are you kidding? Never.

Thank you.

Thanks for standing up for me.

No one fires Michelle Kester on my watch.

No, I mean those jerks.


I don't know what got into me.

When that dill weed called you a bitch, I just snapped.

I know. You went all butch on him.

Hey, I showed him, right? Yeah, you showed him.

It's the last time I kick someone's ass for you.

Know what? I remember. me doing all the ass kicking.

I wiped the floor with that guy. Literally.

I'm gonna kill you man.

Hye uh. My scooter isn't working. Can I get a ride with you guys?


Dude. My scooter isn't working.

What were you guys doing?


What's the hold up? Get in.

I got shotgun. Uh-uh.

Fine. Fine. I'm going in the back.

What's your problem? Uh, Nothing.

Want me to drive? How's it going to make a difference?

I don't know. I just thought we shake it up a little bit.

You're an idiot Fred.

Ouch Dick, that really hurt.

Your mom made bacon Mac-n-Cheese tonight.

Do you just blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind?

Yes. Yes I do.

How do you know?

I had dinner with her tonight.


Oh, that's nice.

Look out!

You hit someone.

Oh my god.

I hit someone.

Oh, this looks bad.

He's not moving.

Oh. Oh. He's alive.

Hey. Hey are you alright?

What the...

What the heck?

That's disgusting.

He's wearing handcuffs.

Maybe that's the guy that Rodgers and Hammerstein arrested earlier?

That doesn't look right.

You think?

Is he uh...

Is he a zombie?

What kind of question is that?


Oh. Nasty!

Ah. That feels better.

Holy crap. You ain't kidding.

Is he dead? Geez Michelle.

Well? Is he?

I don't think he is breathing.

Check his vital signs. See if he has a pulse. Maybe he needs CPR.

Dude, you check for vitals. Fine.

No. He's dead.

Great work guys. Let's get out of here.

We just can't leave him in the middle of the road.

He's an ex-con, who literally just shat himself to death.

I'm with Michelle on this one.

You're not remoterly disturbed by the fact that I just hit this guy with my car at 60 miles an hour? He survived.

Looked like a zombie. Then shat his guts out.

Glowing green radioactive shit, in case you guys missed that part, before plopping over and dropping dead.

No. No.

Just get in the car.

What in Sam Hill?

I'm starving. Have a doughnut man.

Heh, dude, breath.

Hey men. These things just, look kind of freaky.

They taste fine to me.

Woa. Dude.

The doughnuts just moved.

You high Conrad? I'm serious bro.

I.. I don't feel too good.

See, I told you man.

He bro. Do you want me to get you another doughnut?

Come on man. Dont be a puss. Come on.

Uh. Ow. God. Help me.

Wh...What happened?

Get back man. That shit can be contagious.

...on fire man. ...on fire.

I hate doughnuts.

I recognize that car.

Is that the douche that was giving Veronica a ride?

Can I help you?

Where's my girlfriend.

Who? Don't play dumb.

Johnny? What the hell is this?

I should ask you.

Do you know what? I can't do this anymore.

You're breaking up with me?

Wow. This guy's slow.

Watch it bitch. What'd you call me?

Enough Bobby. Get in the car.

I'm not done with you. Any time sweatheart.

Get in the car!

Look Johnny. I'm not breaking up with you.

I know.

You love me babe.


No, I'm not breaking up with you, because we were never together.


Oh snap.

You're a joke, Johnny. I've been fucking Bobby for months.


I just used you for money. God, you're just a sap.

A loser.

What? You're not going to say anything?

God, you really are a loser.

Well at least have the balls to say something.

Whatever. Let's skiddle.

What the hell? Impossible.


I don't think this is a good idea.

I'm in, Howard.

Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

This can't be.

The doughnuts are alive, and mutated into...

...killer doughnuts.

I think my brain just melted. Thank god you have such few customers.

Mrs. Scolari Oh no.

Get in the car.

Get in. You get in. I'm bigger than you.

Get in the car. We don't have time for this. Just get in.


Hit it.

Seat belts. Seat belts, seat belts.

Mrs. Scolari? Mrs. Scolari, it's Johnny. Can you hear me? Open up.

I don't see her.

This can't be good. We have to get in there.

We have to go around to the side. OK.

Quick. Give me a boost. Are you crazy?

What? Do you have a better idea? Yes. Let's call the police.

And tell them what? An army of killer doughnuts is on the loose?

We're wasting time.

Okay. It's too dangerous. I'll go.

Johnny. She's the lightest one. We give her a boost, she goes up through the window, down the stairs and lets us in.



I've got a bad feeling about this.


Martha! What!

You're gonna give me a heart attack woman.

What do you want? I'm right here.

Those bunch of kids are up to no good. Now call the police.

What for? They haven't done anything yet.

For the love of Pete, woman. I just saw the girl go in through the second story. And those two hoodlums are downstairs just waiting to rob Mrs. Scolari. Now call the cops.

Okey Dokey.

See, this is what happens when I listen to you.

Oh, this is all my fault?

There's a criminal on the loose and it is entirely your fault.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"13-A, 61" "13-A, 61"

Zero five, over.

Whatta ya doing? Shh!

"...75, a family dispute."

Copy that. We're on our way.

What are you doing? We gotta find this guy. Man, this guy is already gone, Dick.

Okay, we can't go back to the station empty handed.

There'a a dangerous criminal on the loose and we got to find him.

Dangerous criminal? He was polishing his sword beind the sorority house.

How dangerous can he be?

Mrs. S, are you sleeping?

Mrs. Scolari, are you alright?

We have to get in there.

Uh, I'm gonna get out of your way.


Son of a...


Wait. It's tempered glass. It cannot be broken.

We have to get in there.


little help here...

Michelle. Eh! We have to get out of here.

What happened? Mrs. Scolari is dead.

What? How?

They ate her. It's horrible. Are you sure it was the doughnuts?

I am 100 percent sure it was the doughnuts.

How? That.

Don't make any sudden moves.

Screw this.

This way!

Get 'em off me. Get 'em off me.


Set it and forget it.

About time the cops come here.

Turn around and down on your knees slave.

Martha. We're not doing 'matrix.

Tonight is "M" Butterfly.

Oh. Nuts.

What is wrong with that girl?

Woa, woa, woa, woa, woa, woa, woa, woa.

Put your hand in the air and don't move.

Are there any suggestions on how to do that?

Whatta you doing. Put your gun down.

Ma'am, come down from the window, slowly.

Are you frick'n crazy? A little help here.

Don't talk back. Okay? And don't you dare try to escape. We've got you covered.

Winter's coming.

There's too many of them. We have to get out of here.

Let's go to the side door.

Alright ma'am. We need you to calm down alright.

And don't try anything crazy.


Put your hands in the air and don't move.

You said that already.

You alright? Can you get up?

Yeah. Don't worry. The ground broke my fall.

Hey. You're the girl from the doughnut shop, right?

Yes sir.


What are you nuts? You shooting at kids?

He had a knife.

Alright kids. Drop your weapons and don't move.

Come on.

What's wrong with you two?

Mrs. Scolari is dead.

How did that happen?

You wouldn't believe us if we told you, but believe me, we have to get out of here.

Our lives are in danger. They're still in there.

Wait a minute. Who, who's still in there?

Wait, there's murdrers in there?

Well, you see. We came here to...

Yes. There's like ten of them.

There's ten murderers in there?

We need to call for backup.

There's no time for that! There's ten murderers in there!

Crazy son of a bitch is going to get us killed.

Stay here!

Let's get out of here. Wait, they just told us to stay here.

We just can't take off. They'll arrest us.

Do you always do what you are told? Yes!

Call backup. Call backup now!

You're right. Let's boogey.

Make up your mind. Go. Let's get out of here.

Martha. What's gotten into you? It's not Star Wars night.

What could possibly cause doughnuts to become blood thirsty killers?

I have no clue.

There has to be a scientific reason. Doughnuts don't just...

That's it!

What the hell are you doing? Uncle Luther.


Earlier today, uncle Luther was talking about making the greatest discovery in the twenty first century.

You think your crazy uncle came up with a reanimation serum?

There's only one way to find out.

Calm down Debbie. I'll be with you soon enough.

Now now Debbie, no need to panic.

This new antidote should bring you back to normal.

Or it'll just kill you again.

Alright. Come on Debbie.

Come on.


Eureka! I've done it!

Oh, you've done it alright you crazy loo.

Johnny, I told you never to enter my lair when... Yeah yeah yeah, shut your pie hole.

You've turned harmeless tasty doughnuts into... killer doughnuts.

What are you talking about?

Your serum has contaminated the doughnuts, and they've come to life.

That's impossible. Who are you?

Oh, it's possible alright.

They ate Mrs. Scolari. And at least three other people we know of.

I'm Howard. Johnny's friend.

How come I have never seen you around here before?

I have dinner here every night. Really?

Hey! Doctor Crazy! Focus.

Yeah. What are we gonna do?

Funny you should ask. I've already done it.

I've created the antidote.

No way. Yes way.

What you see before you is a harmless little gray mouse.

What about it?

A few seconds ago it was a crazed killer rat.

Brilliant. Yes.

It looks so normal.

Aw. It's taking a nap. How cute.

I'd say your serum needs some tweaking.

Man, this is bullshit. I don't like it any more than you do.

Who the hell steals a police cruiser?

It's bad enough we lost a perp tonight.

We can't go back to the station without a car.

How much further does it say on the GPS?

It says two miles.

Do you want to switch yet?

Just keep pedaling, jackass.

I don't understand. It worked. It changed Debbie back.

Yeah, well, Debbie definitely changed.

It does work. The rat's dead.

You ignorant toad. The point is not to kill the rat again, but to stabalize it. You don't realize what I done here.

You're in the presence of Jesus.

Just give us enough of the pink stuff so we can kill the doughnuts.


We don't have to inject it, can't we just splash them with it?

You fool. It has to get into their blood stream.

We're talking about doughnuts. Doughnuts don't have a blood stream.

Besides, doughnuts are made of dough. Not organs and skin.

If we splash them, it will penetrate the outer layer.

So what's the deal?

Do we spray these suckers with it or do we have to inject them?

My dear nephew. This is a very technical question and requires lots of tests and documentation. As you know the scientific method...

You have no idea. Do you?


It's worth a shot guys.

So how do we find them?

Well. Anytime you're looking for bees, you always go to the hive.


Precisely. Ground zero. The point of origin.

The doughnut shop.

Great. Howard. Grab some pink stuff.

Let's go.

I'm going with you. What?

I want to see them for myself. Fine. Let's get out of here.

Shotgun. Uh-uh.

Nice try buddy.

We have no idea what we're going to face in there.

When you spray the doughnuts with the antidote, if they don't melt... ...or blow up.

Yes, or that. Then we inject them with this.

What if it's too many of them?

We take care of them the old fasion way.


Do you play roller hockey?

What if it doesn't work? What if we spray them and it doesn't work?

I will inject them with my syringe. Ha-haa!

You got that to work?

We waste them!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Waste them!


This is not working.

There's too many of them.

Not working.

Oh shit.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

The anti serum works. We just don't have enough.

Johnny. I got to get back to the lab.

I've got to make more serum. It's the only thing that's going to save us.

We're not going to make it.

We're not going to make it Johnny. I have to tell you something.

Not now Howard.

I'm in love with your mom.


I knew it!

Wait. There's more. I.... we... kind of...

I had sex with your mom.

I'm sorry man. She's a kind, beautiful sexually liberated woman.

I think I'm gonna hurl.

Tell her I love her. What?

I'm going to kill the doughnuts that are escaping outside.


Hey! Howard! No!

Get to the closet. It's our only chance.

Aw, hell no!

Get the hell outta here.

I got splooged in my eye.

Man down! Man down!

Ah! Damn!

You got any grenades? Grenades?

Oh, god!

Do I look like I got any grenades?

Nevermind. Just like home baby.

Are you okay? Yeah. Are you... are you hurt?

Let me see. It's okay. It's fine.

Okay. Um. Now what? I don't know what.

Well think! You think!

You got us here.

Your crazy uncle got us here.

Alright, So we should just through our arms up in the air and give up.

Is that it?

No. We're not giving up. Oh great. You too.

In denial.

Why are you so angry at me?

I'm not angry at you. And why are you yelling at me?

Because I am angry! Alright?

You wanna know why? Because we are about to become snacks.

For the freak'n snacks!

Or the fact. The fact that my mother is sleeping with Howard.

My mother... Breathe.

I'm gonna be a therapist's dream if I get out of here alive.

Or, not to mention the fact, that my imaginary girlfriend was just using me for money. You know? News flash Johnny.

Yeah. That actually bothers me. I am such a loser.

I didn't see any of this coming.

I mean. She brings her boyfriend over this afternoon. And I was just.

I was clueless. You know. He called her babe.

Right in front of me. "Hey Babe"!

And I just stood there. Pathetic! And believed here!

Yeah. I got it!

Does it bother that you have such a patehtic friend?

You know, the worst part about this is, is that after I am eaten, my little friends, Sprinles and Glazed out there. My mothers is going to be alone.

No. No, no no, no. She won't be alone.

You're right.

Even after I am gone. I will always be with her.

No. She'll have Howard.

Why don't you just open the door and let them eat me?

No Johnny!

I would like you very much alive.

Okay Okay!

Now close your mouth and help me find a way out of this mess.

Okay, let's go.

Uh. Great, Okay. Um.

Maybe Luther will come back in time.

Even... Even if he makes enough serum, there's no way he will be back before we're dead.

Right. Right, okay.

Hey, hey I got an idea, What?

The gas line.

There's no way we would survive an explosion.

Look. I am sorry I yelled. okay?

Okay, it's fine. I was a jerk, with this.

This is the only way to be sure. No more killer doughnuts.

No more doughnuts. Period.

Let's do this. Okay.

I'm all out. I'm all out.

Damn it. Me too.

Dick, it's been a pleasure serving with you after all these years man.

Yeah. And you've been a galactic pain in the ass, but I wouldnt have it any other way partner.

Let's do this. Let's do it!

That's great, but how do we survive the explosion?

Uh... I'm still working on that part.

Hey. Who farted?


Good morning.

Did you sleep okay?

Yeah. Better than Okay.

For a second I thought, uh... everything was a dream.

No no no. You definitely weren't dreaming.

We blew up Dandy Donuts.

Right. That too.

I will remember last night for as long as I live.

Yeah. Killer doughnuts. Crazy.

No, that's not what I meant.

Well, make up your mind, will you?

So... what now?

I think it's pretty obvious.

No, it's not what I mean. I mean like...

Oaky, we've been friends for a really long time. Right?

And then, uh. Well. This happened, and so now, like what does that make us? Are we like friends with benefits, or is this like...


Don't think so hard. You might strain something.

Ow! What?

You know what they say about payback.

Payback for what?

Forever being with that... ...Veronica.

Oh. So, someone was a little jealous, hm?

Someone was a little blind.

Okay, that's what I want to figure out were we are, because the last time I didn't think I ended up with an imaginary girlfriend.

Do I look imaginary to you?

Well, let's see here. You got a nose. You got two lips.

Alright, Alright. Let's see here.

It was a crazy night for sure, but nothing that happened between us is imaginary.

So let's take it slow. See what happens.




I love you. And that's that.

You're my gilfriend.

Ah, do I get a say?

Michelle Louise Kester. Will you be my girlfriend?


Oh come on. Alright, you Know what?

I have done so much for you, since yesterday.

I have beaten up three bullies. I have stood up to Cliff.

I have quit my job. Oh yeah, and this other little thing.

I battled killer doughnuts for you, and not to mention the emotional turmoil I went through trying to make sure you were safe.

Alright, alright. Fine. Your whining won me over.

Whatever works. Yes.

I will be your girlfriend.


We should go visit Howard.

Oh, is that what you're thinking about right now?

Come on. He's your best friend.

He's fine. Okay? I mean, yeah, he's in the hospital, but he only has like minor burns.

Johnny. He lost a testicle.

Okay, we have all day to visit him, alright? In case you forgot. I am currently unemployed.

As it turns out. I am unemployed as well.

Oh really? Uh-hm.

Maybe we should, uh. Do something.

What did you have in mind?

Oh, for starters... That's a nice shirt you're wearing.

This? Uh-hm.

You want it back? Yep.

Right now? I'm afraid so.

Right now.

John Blake Wentworth.

I don't want to hear anymore excuses. You are cutting that grass today.

Ma. Don't you knock?

You heard me mister. You get out of bed and cut that grass.

Now! Mom. wait!

Wait, wait. Hi!

Oh. uh.

I... So sorry.

Good morning Mrs. Wentworth.

Hi Michelle. I thought...

Michelle is, uh... my girlfriend.

I didn't know you had company.


I... I promise I will uh, I will cut the grass today.

Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

It is nice seeing you, Mrs. Wentworth.

Nice to see you to, dear. You could call me Emma.


Bye mom. Bye.

She's going to cheer up Howard. How sweet.

Don't start.

At least he has one good testicle left.

Alright. That's it.