Austenland (2013) Script

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What separates the casual Jane Austen fan from the aficionado?

Is it her admiration for the style and manners of the Regency era?

The number of times she has read Austen's novels?

Or her consuming love for Mr. Darcy?

♪ L-O-V-E-D-A-R-C-Y Nice cup.


♪ And it begins like any other

♪ Since she was very young Oh.



I'll see you for lunch.

Yeah, okay.

♪ You try to catch her eye

♪ But she doesn't want to see

MAN: (ON TV) Miss Bennet...

This is the best part.

♪ She's singing my boy loves me Unbelievable.

♪ My boy loves me I know ♪

Hey, Jane. Ex-boyfriend alert.

Hey, Horseface.

Jimmy, what are you doing here?

Well, I heard you broke up with Greg.

So that means you're free to go bowling tonight.

Oops! Jimmy! You know what?

If "no" was unclear last time...

I don't wanna see you again.

I picked you on purpose, Jane Hayes. Thirty plus, clock ticking.

I'm as good as it gets, baby.

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: A true aficionado of Austen does so much more than merely read her novels and admire her world from afar.

Excuse me.

She finds her way here to the world's only immersive Austen experience.

MOLLY: Is that a Chihuahua?

It's a lamb. Shut up. Just trying to hear it.

This looks really cheap.

AGENT: I've toured the grounds and it's not cheap.

This is high class. This is big time.

Jane, are you really gonna blow your entire life savings on an "Austen experience"?

Now, hold on just a second, here at Sensuous Travel, we are not just another run-of-the-mill vacation place.

This is what we call an "LC." A Life-Changer.

You get to play the heroine of your very own Jane Austen story.

Would you like to see some of the staff?

Yeah. No.

Now this is Barnaby. He's a vegan.

He enjoys nightly dips in the pond, and he has a pony named Sparkles Pancake.

That is horrendous.

I also heard that people in those days didn't wear underwear.

That's a lie.

It's not a lie.

Look, every stay at Austenland ends with a real live ball, as in ballroom, as in happily ever after.

Do you understand what I'm saying?


Jane. So you go on some fancy vacation, then what do you come home to?

Nothing except for an empty bank account.

Why don't you save up for a real life-changer?

Like what? Well, like...

That's fine. Maybe come back another time without your friend.

We'll get you squared away.

I think I can figure out some kind of layaway program for you.

Thank you so much.

You guys take care. Thanks for being you. Appreciate you.

Listen, this is my one chance to really live in Austen's world. Okay?

I'm her biggest fan.

Come on.

No. No.

You used to be a fan.

You are an addict.

You don't have to go in there because I'm packing. It's a mess in there.

You don't wanna go in there.

Oh, Janey. It's gotten so much worse.

(SQUEAKING) I love you.

It's a collector's item and that's why I have it.

I have 10,000 a year.

I've changed my mind.

I totally support you going to this place, because I'm sure that the fantasy will not be as fulfilling as you imagine.

I don't think you know where I'm going.

We could make a wager on it. Fine.

If I win, you de-Austen your room.

Okay. Fine.

And if you really must go, I made you a little farewell gift.

You did?



Which historical era is this supposed to be from?

Hey, I spent three days working on it.

Come here, let's hug it out.

Thank you. Okay.

When you get back, just clear this crap out because it's weird.

It's a hobby. It's really weird.

♪ Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?

♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

♪ They say in heaven love comes first

♪ We'll make heaven a place on earth

♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

♪ When the night falls down ♪ Oh!

Do you need a hand?

Yay, an American.

I can't understand what the natives say. (CHUCKLES)

I think this is where we're supposed to wait, right?

You're going to the Darcy place, too?


I memorized the first three chapters of Pride and Prejudice when I was 13.

(CHUCKLES) What's that?

Oh. Um...

So why are you going to this place?

Because I'm gonna look great in those wench gowns.

Ooh. Gosh, I hope they give me a cape, too.

Were we not supposed to come in costume?

Thank goodness you're coming and not her.

I'm Jane, by the way.

Oh, goody. Introductions. Look.


I'm Miss Elizabeth Charming.

It's a pretty name, isn't it? I requested it.

Yes, it's very beautiful. I can't wait to pick a name.

How about Miss Pepperpot?

Or Miss Wiggly Wiggins?

Those are nice. (CAR HONKING)

I knew this place would be magical.

They even got us a car from the 1800s.

Oh, thank you so much. I'm Miss Charming.

This way.

MAN: Bloody Americans!

Mind the gap.

Sorry. I was told I was supposed to wear a costume.

So was I.

God save the Queen!

MISS CHARMING: Hey, do you think this is the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car?


It's smaller than I expected.

Welcome to the Regency era.

This is just a stop before we go to the big house.

I am Mrs. Wattlesbrook. Okay.

Miss Charming, I hope your travel was endurable.

Oh, yes!

(CLEARS THROAT) Jane Hayes. Yes.

And I've been thinking about my pseudonym, and I was thinking Miss Joyful, maybe?

Oh, yes. You've already been assigned a name.

Miss Erstwhile.

Miss Erstwhile?

Martin. Take their luggage in.

And get the carriage ready to take us up to the manor.

Martin. Ma'am.

Good luck. Thanks.

Complete immersion in the Regency era is the only way to truly appreciate Austen's England.

Wouldn't you say so, Miss Charming?


Just to avoid any confusion, I'd like you to know that we do offer several distinct experiences.

You have paid for the Basic Copper package, while the other ladies in the party are part of the Platinum Elite package.

Oh. Okay.

I'm sure you'll understand there will be some exclusions to your trip.

I mean, I'm just so excited to be here, and I've dreamed about this for so long.

All of my guests will experience romance with one of our actors.

But I must emphasize there is to be no touching other than the necessary social graces. Not a chance.

I also expect all my guests to maintain appropriate manners and conversation and to eschew all things modern.

Any flagrant disobedience will result in the early termination of your stay.

You don't have to worry about me.

I know Austen's books intimately.

A big fire for a hot summer's day.


We need to push up the sisters. There we go.

That's as far as I can go.

It's looking good.

♪ Has it been a day or a week

♪ As my eyes begin to close So we have this absolutely delightful chiffon piece.

And I don't know how you feel about lavender.

I call it lilac.


This I do think is very magnificent and elegant.


Salmon. Absolutely.

♪ These dreams under my pillow Kinda washes you out.

♪ Of these white nights ♪ Look how skinny I look with my hand behind my back.

Let's go meet the men.



I'm so sorry, my dear, but I'm afraid this carriage only takes two passengers.



Hey, do you think we'll be robbed by some highwaymen?

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Martin, hurry up with those bags.

My God, look at those.

Hallelujah. Oh!


Do you think those are their real faces?

And for you, Miss Charming, we have our finest Platinum level room.


How old-fashioned.

Miss Erstwhile. If you follow me.

Hey! It's bloody brilliant!

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Where are you? We can't dilly-dally.

And you, of course, have one of our loveliest Copper level rooms.

We meet for dinner at 8:00.

I expect you can find your own way to the drawing room.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

With me? Yes.


Jane? Come here. All the statues look at you!


Look. It's one of those Mr. Darcy guys.

May I present Miss Elizabeth Charming.

Heiress to the vast Charming fortune.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Top of the evening to you.

And Miss Jane Erstwhile.

An orphan of no fortune, who we've taken in out of the goodness of our hearts.

Colonel Andrews, the second son of the Earl of Denton.

I have never before beheld such beauty...

And class.

What a very pleasant pleasure it is indeed.

And my dear nephew, Henry Nobley.


Goody. There's one for each of us.

And, of course, our honored guest, Lady Amelia Heartwright.


I've been so lonely here without other young women to entertain me.

All day, stuck with these men.

And that is my husband.


Do sit down.

I do hope it will not rain on us tomorrow.

It would be so lovely to take a turn around the gardens.

I sure would like you to turn me upside down in the garden.

Pardon me?

I think Miss Charming just means she loves the outdoors.



Do you see something in my eye?

I'm afraid I can't see in this low light.


Oh, Mr. Nobley.

You really are quite a bloke.

It would appear to be my duty to gaze into your eyes.

I'm a military man, I'd never shirk my duty.

Allow me, Miss Charming.

Yes. Yes, there is something there. Fire.

I say, Miss Charming, you certainly do live up to your name.



MRS. WATTLESBROOK: I do hope you all enjoy the food.

AMELIA: Have you lost your appetite, Mr. Nobley?


Something on your mind?

Absolutely nothing's on my mind, thank you.

Prudence, a little bit more of the peacock paté, when you're ready.


I can't believe I'm really here.

Jane. Yeah?

Why don't you try out some of that fancy talk?

Mr. Nobley, I hear there is a ball on our last night.

Do you enjoy dancing?

Not particularly.

AMELIA: (CHUCKLES) Scandalous.

I am sure you have escorted many a fine lady on to the dance floor.

ANDREWS: I would say that manners maketh man.

I look forward to having the pleasure of standing opposite you.

But dancing is the true hallmark... You do?

...of a gentilhomme d'honneur.

MR. WATTLESBROOK: Pass the sheep's eyeballs, will you?

Traditionally, dancing is a match-making custom.

Oh, yes.

However, it fails unless both partners are equally fond of each other.

You could say the same about any social intercourse.


Such as talking to someone or having dinner with them.

Society demands that we engage in a social intercourse in order to seem courteous.

Yet, in most cases, such actions are ultimately vulgar.

I really adore conversating.


Do you really believe, Mr. Nobley, that you can know the worth of a person at a glance?

Can you tell me that within the first few moments of meeting each person in this room, you didn't form firm opinions of their character?

Well, it would be a shame if my first impression of you proved correct.

Well, Miss Erstwhile, I for one am so pleased you are here.

Another woman who understands, as I do, the rocky road of love.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook told me of your tragic story.


I try to learn a great deal about my clients so that I can better prepare for their stay.

You have been unlucky in love, shall we say?

AMELIA: We most definitely should say.

At your age, with no husband, no kinder...

I'm sorry.

The clock is ticking. Tick-took, tick-took. Oh, bugger.

ANDREWS: How unfortunate.

Excuse me.

Good duck.

Jane. Jane! Jane. Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know, I know how it feels to be treated badly by stupid men.

I really do.

Jane, come on. Give me a hug.

Come on. At least it's not gonna happen at this place.

Besides, you'll feel totally different tomorrow.

Think about all the people in the world that hang themselves.

And then the next day, they feel different, but there's nothing they can do about it.

Don't hang yourself, Jane. Mmm-hmm.

Anyway, if you need anything, just call me. I'm right down the hall.

Well, actually, I'm not right down the hall because you're in the servants' wing. You're in the creepy tower.

God, sometimes I think about you here at night.

Must be really scary.

It's okay. Anyway.

And, Jane, the maid told me that...

FYI, she said don't use the chamber pots.

Apparently the toilets really do flush here, and they don't know what to do if it's just piled high.


Of course, he made all his money selling quicklime on the continent.

You can never have enough whitewash, as my grandfather used to say.

Then he contracted dysentery and died.


Good morrow, sir. 'Tis I.

Shall we promenade? (SIGHS)

Oh. Oh, I say. Miss Erstwhile, do join us.

Yes, make haste.

I think I'll go find some shade.

Really? How peculiar.

She's been too much in the sun. Come, sir.

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: (ON PA) Your hunting excursion is commencing on the upper paddock at the stable where you will be assigned an appropriate mount.


MARTIN: Sorry.

Sorry. I'm not spying on you.

I'm afraid you caught me at an unladylike moment.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook will probably rap my knuckles or something.

Tell me about it.

So you hail from the former colonies?


I'm sorry, that's pretty bad. I'm not really here to do the "ye olde" stuff.

I'm probably not supposed to be talking to the servants anyway.

I thought I'd come here and be a total pro at this, but I don't know...

Yeah. Maybe you need a coach or something.

Yeah. I'm definitely not supposed to talk to you.

And yet, here you are.


That's... I have to...

ANDREWS: Where are you? Miss Erstwhile, there you are.

Yes, hello. I... I was just saying to Nobley here our divine Miss Erstwhile seems to have escaped us.

And let us not see if we cannot find her out...

I was hot so I stopped in here, you know, and then I sat...

I say, Miss Erstwhile, you are tongue-tied today.

What sordid secrets is your mouth trying to hide from us?

No, no secrets. No. Do tell me at once.

I simply must know. Andrews!

Can't you see that she's unwell?

No, I'm fine. Thank you...

Unwell? Perhaps you have a touch of the vapors? Or mange?

Either way, bell jar on the tummy.

Sucks out all the vicious vapors.

And leeches on the ankles... Andrews, shut up.



Hi. Ladies and gents, please take notice!

I've just got the schedule, and look, it says we get to go hunting on horseback.

Can you believe it? Real horses and real guns!

Release the hounds!

Tally-ho. A-hunting we will go.

The British are coming. The British are coming!

Shall we go? Shall we?

Hey, stable boy. You're way too slow! Come on!

I've never shot a hunting rifle before.

ANDREWS: Now, the whole thing with the gun, darling, is that you have to cock it.

Just hold the barrel. There.

And then gently pull the trigger.

MR. NOBLEY: Have you ever fired a loaded weapon before?

Actually, I think you might be quite impressed by my...

Big cock. ...skills.

I will be. (EXCLAIMS) Ow!

Just a little closer there.

JANE: Yeah, I think I get the basics.

Ready, ladies?

Face down range. Load. And make ready.

And, pull!

Fly in my eye.

My... Miss Erstwhile. What a talented little nut you are.

JANE: Yeah.

I guess I get the basics of it.

I didn't think we were really supposed to kill them.

What are we supposed to eat for dinner?

Anyone for pheasant? Me. (CHUCKLING)

ANDREWS: Of course, all these horses are thoroughbreds.

They come from the local stud. Well, I'm too busy, you see.

There's something wrong with the horse.

Crap Copper package.

MARTIN: Little bit tight. Have to give you a rub down tonight.

Excuse me?

The horse.

(CHUCKLES) Right, sorry.

There we go. Oh!

Thank you.

I'll be back in a crack with a new horse.


♪ Somewhere there's a book of me

♪ Waiting for someone to read it

♪ And I really believe it


♪ Just wish that I could see it

♪ And I keep losing track of where I'm meant to be

♪ If you know it you would be there (THUNDER RUMBLING)

♪ 'Cause I know that you're a good man

♪ But you like to keep that secret ♪ Oh. Hi.

Did that stable boy abandon you?

No, he's coming right back.

Well, I wasn't raised to leave a woman alone in the woods.

I'm really... I'm fine. (THUNDER CRASHING)

Well, there's...

All right, come on. Get up.

Both of us on the one horse?

I don't know if that's gonna really work for me...

Right, are you ready? One, two, three.

No, no.



We're not gonna be able to outrun the storm unless you straddle the horse.

Straddle... Not possible in this rig. Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get forward. Forward. That's it, more. Forward? Okay. Well...

Take the reins.

Now, anyone who can shoot a gun like that can ride a horse.

Come on.

Do you have me?

I've got you fine. Thank you.


Come here.

I know, but it's a little hard...

No, your leg, your leg. No. Yeah, okay.

JANE: Thank you.


What the hell do you think you were doing leaving her alone like that?

I'm sorry, I was coming.

No, I was fine, actually, Mr. Nobley.

There you are, Mr. Nobley. I was about to arouse a search party. (GASPS)

Miss Erstwhile. What ghastly thing happened to you?

I think I'm just gonna go powder my nose.

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Everyone, please assemble in the drawing room for this evening's whist drive.

Partners will be assigned according to ability and package status.

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: I do believe I start this one, do I not?

AMELIA: I'm just so happy. I...

See if you can beat that.

ANDREWS: Well, there's a card.

A proper lady does not doodle the evening away, Miss Erstwhile.

You're looking well, Mr. Nobley.

The rain refreshed your spirits, did it?



I say, who needs the outdoors when you ladies are such a breath of fresh air?


Colonel, you really are a saucy monkey.

Miss Erstwhile, what's that earthy smell about you?

Is it perfume?

I'm not wearing any perfume.

Must be your essence.

AMELIA: Colonel. Tremendous play. I didn't see that one.

No, no one ever does.

It's my sneaky maneuver I picked up in the Punjab.

Oh! Exotic!

My, Miss Charming, what beauteous skin you possess.


Well, that's because late at night when I'm all alone, I put my face in the fire.


It's like a porcelain plate.

ANDREWS: It's like being in a kiln.




♪ Wake up and suddenly you're in love ♪


Sorry. I didn't mean to bother you if you're in the middle of something or...

You are a little lost?


I was just walking around, and then I heard music and so...

Quick. Get in before Wattlesbrook confiscates this thing.

Let's hope you're not her spy.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook? Yeah.

She made me sign half a dozen proper behavior agreements...


Swear to keep any modern contraption out of sight of the guests.


Including you, Miss Erstwhile.

I'm not a spy. I swear.

And you don't have to call me Miss Erstwhile. It's Jane.


I am so sorry about this afternoon.

No, no. Don't be. Don't even worry about it.

I would have been absolutely fine if it weren't for Prince Valiant showing up.

The actors are paid to be valiant.


They have some "Most Valiant Player of the Month" award.

Still, it's nice to have a little break from them.

Do you mind if I turn back on your music?

No, of course not.


You're a real easy listening kinda guy, huh?

Yeah. It relaxes me.

Yeah. The easier... The easier, the better.

Here it comes.

♪ I used to think that love was just a fairy tale ♪ You're a really great singer.

You've got really great taste in gowns.

You make it a little hard for me to take myself seriously in this getup.

Where are you in there? There you are, yeah.

Do you slow dance?


♪ Suddenly life has new meaning to me ♪

I don't remember Wattlesbrook teaching us that move.

Yeah, neither will those posh boys up at the house.


Ah. I almost forgot about it.

Do you have another girl hidden around here somewhere?


What was that?

Shh. You don't wanna scare her.


Hey, hey, hey.


Hey, hey, hey.

Wow. You put all the girls at ease?

Only the wild ones.

We almost missed it.

Is this horse about to have a baby right here?

I've never seen anything being born.

Go get me some straw. Wait a second.

Are you gonna have to stick your hands up in and flip it or something?

Jane, just go get her some straw. Yeah, all right.


Breathe, you can do this.

Straw. Get it. Yeah.

I found some!

Okay. Thanks, Jane.

My God, what's that?


I'm coming right now.

Get the straw, Jane!

Push! Push! Push!

That's it...

Oh, my... Sparkle.

I found it!

Jane, it's beautiful.

Got the straw.

Oh, my gosh!

It's the miracle of birth.

There you go. Up you get, buddy.

Run free, little Sparkle.

Prince Valiant couldn't do that.


That was amazing, though. That was really amazing.

I should probably get going.

You got...

Might not want that. (LAUGHS)

Can I give you something first?


Wanted to do that for a while.

Good night, Jane Erstwhile.

Good night.

"She had had many a hint from Mr. Knightley, and some from her own heart."

I have one, too.


Mr. Darcy said to Jane, "Jane, listen. Listen right now.

"If you were to sleep with me tonight, "I would actually speak to you the next day, "unlike any man that you will meet 100 years from now."


Please. Please shut your hole.


Men and women wouldn't even touch before marriage, let alone be alone in the same room together.

I don't think he would ever say something like that, and he was a gentleman.


MISS CHARMING: Why are we sewing again?

I guess this is how women must have spent a lot of their time.

Well, if the men don't come back from hunting soon, I'm gonna ask for a refund.

What about you, Miss Erstwhile? Are you enjoying yourself?

It is a shame we are so awkwardly grouped.

Two gentlemen and three ladies, leaving you always to bring up the rear alone.

If you'll excuse me, I think I'm gonna go to the library for a little while.


I'm reading.

You're not really allowed to read down on the sluice gate. Okay?

You know, this is off-limits, okay? This is...

This is really very dangerous down here. Okay?

Anything could happen.

I mean, I don't have to be reading.

I just...

Martin, come on.

I'll go crazy if I have to sit up in that house all afternoon.

You love it up there.

All those guys paid to adore you.

Come on, check out the butler. He's got a 14-pack.

You're right, I'm gonna go find him.


You win.

♪ Looking from the window above

♪ It's like a story of life

♪ Can you hear me?

♪ Came back only yesterday

♪ Who went further away

♪ Want you near me

♪ All I needed was the love you gave

♪ All I needed for another day

♪ And all I ever knew

♪ Only you

♪ Sometimes when I think of her name

♪ When it's only a game

♪ And I need you

♪ Listen to the words that you say

♪ It's getting harder to stay

♪ When I see you ♪ MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Martin, the birds.

I'll see you later?

Yeah. I just gotta put away a few fake birds. Maybe see you at the stables?


ANDREWS: Awful as spread, is this one.

But really. Never before...

I'm gonna need a new inkwell in my room.

Are you? Yeah, it's empty.


And what are you going to pen while you're there?

Maybe a little journal of your time and experiences?

Maybe the Declaration of Independence. Really?

Sumptuous beans. My favorite.


How does one go about eating a fish this big?

They're so delicious!

Baked, stewed.


Marvelous. (TAPPING GLASS)

Everyone. I have great news.

Captain George East has just arrived from the West Indies.

Good morning, ladies.

You're beautiful.

I hear you were just made captain.

Do tell us the story.

Yes, we like stories. Please do. Can't wait.

I were raised on the sea. Ferrying goods between the islands.

But when Napoleon struck, I joined arms with me British brothers.

Bravi, bravi.

Within months I were first mate, and then came my moment of destiny.

Imagine one lone British frigate, surrounded by four French war crafts, cap'n dead on the deck.

"Surrender," came the cry. Anyone buying this?

"Never," said I.

Did you die?

Now I were tempted to surrender, but I had to hearten me men.

"Death first."

But surely there could be no dishonor in surrender with your captain dead and your men so outnumbered?

When my seaman's heart tell me what to do, I do not fear to follow through.

That rhymes. That rhymes.

But right now,

my seaman's heart bid me do thusly.

You are a most sensual creature.

Thank you.



ANDREWS: I say. Steady on, Captain.

This is absurd.

Oh! Oh!

Watch out, Nobley.

No, don't get up too quickly, George.

I believe the ladies are needed in the drawing room with Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

Lizzie darling.

I'll be along shortly.

I'm your humble servant, My Lady.

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Ladies, please join me in the parlor for my lecture series on bonnets, bosoms and vices.

Hi. Hey.

What do we have planned today?

What, you couldn't find anyone else to flirt with today?

I saw you parading around with those actors.

I thought you weren't into that stuff.

Maybe I am.

Well, I've never really been able to respect the kind of women that come here.

So I guess I was fooling myself that you weren't one of them.

What, so are you breaking up with me?

Breaking up?

I didn't realize we were going steady.

No, sorry, I didn't mean it.

WOMAN: (ON TV) If I was sane when I shot you, I would have aimed for your head.

CAPTAIN EAST: Did you see that?

That was amazing, George.

I mean, really beautiful acting.

CAPTAIN EAST: I had to drink human breast milk supplements to get arms that big. ANDREWS: Ugh!


Must be what makes your hair so shiny.

Can I use your power socket?

But you'll have to turn off the telly. George, do you mind?

Well, I...

Well, we'll watch it later. Okay.

Welcome to the Pleasure Dome.

Thank you. MARTIN: Hey, George.

Hey, Martin. You good?


Welcome back, eh.

How are the ladies treating you this year?

Well, I can't complain.

I can't complain.

You really let yourself go.

What? Really? What?

Don't. Leave the boy alone.

How is life in the stables?

My horses are less trouble than women.

What do you guys think of that girl, Jane?

What's its name? You know, Miss...


CAPTAIN EAST: Yeah, I could slap that between a bun.

Well, she's a bit peculiar.

CAPTAIN EAST: She's hot.

She's all right.


(AMELIA SINGING IN PITCHY VOICE) ♪ No flower of her kindred

♪ No rosebud is nigh

♪ To reflect back her blushes

♪ Give sigh for sigh ♪


MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Perfect, Lady Heartwright. Perfect.

I have no words to describe it.

I say.

I would die enraptured to hear you play, Miss Erstwhile.

No, not tonight, not tonight.

Go on, go on. Please.

Miss Erstwhile, I insist.



Allow me. Thank you.

I only really know one song.

Play that one then. Not surprising.

So I'll just play that.


♪ It's getting hot in here

♪ So take off all your clothes

♪ I am getting so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off I never

I think I will retire early.

That was frigging awesome.



Where are you going? (EXCLAIMS) Whoa!

Sorry. Sorry. I didn't know I became a ninja when startled in a strange place.

My father, if he were alive, would die of shame.

And here was I thinking that any father would be delighted to have a ninja as a daughter.


Excuse me.

Miss Erstwhile. Yes.

I don't know if you realize that it's not proper in this particular time, or any time, for a lady to be alone after dark...

Okay. Let alone cavorting with the servants...


When doing so might lead to...

Did you just say "cavort"?

There's just something about that guy I really don't...

Aren't you all righteous concern, Mr. Nobley?

Thank goodness you've saved me from sullying myself with the help.

Don't be so ridiculous.


Well, good evening, Miss Erstwhile.

Good evening, Mr. Wattlesbrook.

Still awake, are you? Up to some mischief, I hope.

Just needed some fresh air. If you'll excuse me.

No, no, stay a moment.

We might engage in a private game of whist.

That's a four-person game.

We could be partners.

Little wink-wink, little nudge-nudge, under the table.

I think I should go to bed now.

Precisely my point. No.

This is so not Regency appropriate!

We can make it part of the game. Do a little role play.

Get off of me. Get off of me!

Miss Erstwhile? (GROANING)

Are you all right?

Whatever is the matter? I didn't have time to locate my breeches.

Why, Mr. Wattlesbrook, not again.

Little slag attacked me!

Well, obviously. She is a ninja.

Come here.

I have to tell you, the lads are not gonna cover up for you anymore. I promise you.

MR. WATTLESBROOK: Just don't tell the missus!

Well, I won't tell the missus, but...

MR. NOBLEY: I'll escort you to your room.

I'm okay now.

Thank you. I just...

As long as there aren't any other Mr. Wattlesbrooks lurking around.

I cannot give Andrews a glowing reference, though I do believe you could take him down.


Miss Erstwhile, are you sure there's nothing more I can do for you?

I'm fine.

I should just go to bed.

Good night.

Apparently I bought the cheap package.

MOLLY: The cheap package? You kidding me?


I don't even think my character gets the "happily ever after" storyline.

I am going to kill that travel agent.

I'm so mad I wasted all my money.

Okay, enough is enough.

You just need to come home and buy your Tercel back.

Molly, I'm kind of a mess, aren't I?

That's an understatement.

I wanna get over all of this stuff, but if I leave now, I'll always wonder "What if?"

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to take charge of my story.

An Austen heroine gets engaged by the end of the book, so that is what I'm going to do.

Why don't you go for Captain East?

Look how hot he is.

And he's a soap star.


Captain East?

Okay. East it is.

But can you help me, please?

I mean, this is not gonna work.

I've prepared my entire life for this very moment.

Someone's coming, hurry up.

Heartwright had millions of them.

She's as dumb as a light post. She'll never notice.

Oh, my God.

Look at this one.

I love stealing things from her.

Watch my mouth.



Good. Good.

Bloody Americans. (GRUNTS)

Bloody Americans. (GRUNTS)

You got it. You are the queen.



♪ Her hair is Harlow gold

♪ Her lips sweet surprise

♪ Her hands are never cold

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes

♪ She'll turn the music on you

♪ You won't have to think twice

♪ She's pure as New York snow

♪ She got Bette Davis eyes

♪ And she'll tease you She'll unease you

♪ All the better just to please you

♪ She's precocious

♪ And she knows just

♪ What it takes to make a pro blush ♪

...the family name's not Nobley at all, and that's a French affectation. In fact, it's Knobble.

Knobble, just Knobble. (CHUCKLING)

You can tell by the way he uses his chalk that he's a ladies' man.

He doesn't have time for that kind of conversation.

Don't mind me.

(GLASS SHATTERING) It's unusual sometimes, but he is rather shy.

Do you think he hears us?

He doesn't look over and yet his expressions and mannerisms are a bit too determined, don't you think?

Right you are, Miss Erstwhile.

'Course I hear you.

Have to be deaf not to the way you lot are prattling on.

I say, Nobley, you are being awfully tedious today.

Good one.

You know, alone with the chaps, he's really quite a pleasant fellow.

Really? Yes.


My little kumquat. You made yourself all wet.

Allow me.


Look at you, all moist.

Couldn't you just use a handkerchief?


Perhaps I don't find the conversation of women to be stimulating.

I just can't imagine why you're still single.

Don't see a ring on your finger.


No, no, no, it's all right.

I asked for it.

I am single because, apparently, the only good men are fictional.


And you think that there's any good women out there?

No, no, no.

They profess honesty and fidelity, and while you're away lecturing in Switzerland, they run off to Brazil with your mate!

MISS CHARMING: Get on with the game, you old windbag!

Someone departing?

That's my trunk.

I have discovered an unmentionable amongst your things.

Now I believe I made it perfectly clear about the rules, Miss Erstwhile.

We thank you for your stay, but I regret that your actions have forced me to cut it short.


First, that horrid little song and now this.

You're really gonna kick me out?

I'm afraid it is time for you to leave.

Go get 'em, Charming.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

If you would be so kind as to step on to the cart.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

Please, wait.

This is all my fault.

The modern contraption is mine.

I did not realize I had it until I first arrived.

And I was so distressed, Miss Erstwhile kindly offered to keep it for me where I would not have to look upon the eyesore...


So, apparently this appears to be an accident, and I think the best thing is we should pretend like it never happened.

Lady Heartwright, I do so hope that you will continue to honor us with your presence.

Yes. Of course.

Thank you.

I forbid you to leave, ever, Miss Erstwhile.

We were just getting to know each other.

Miss Erstwhile.

Yeah. Hi.

Thank you for back there with Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

It was a pleasure to save you.

And, please, you must call me Amelia.


Make haste.



Dear Jane, now that we are bosom sisters, I can at last confide in someone.

Oh, Janey, last year, at the ball, Georgie...

George East and I became engaged.

It is true.

But alas, he was a poor sailor, and my father broke off the engagement without my assent.

If I try to explain this to him now, George will think I only want him back because he has become a wealthy captain.

What am I to do?

I sort of thought you were into Nobley, or is that not...

No, no, no!

Dear Jane, I know you will help me find a way to be alone with Captain East.

I don't really know what I could do.

It pained me to be so dishonest with Mrs. Wattlesbrook back there.

But so long as you are my dearest friend, I'll keep your secret.


Or should I say secrets?

Farewell, bosom sister.

You know, I think being creative is a waste of time and money.

AMELIA: Well, I love ribbons and feathers and colors.

Another blue tit, please, Miss Charming.

All right, but don't copy everything I do.

I'll try.

ANDREWS: We're not worthy, Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

Their hearts will positively burst from the rapture.

I have something of the utmost urgency to report.

Who's game for a bit of amusement?

Me! Me! I'm so bored.

Well, well, my cupcake, Mrs. Wattlesbrook has only gone and surpassed herself and has completed a brilliant theatrical.

You don't look like you could read or write.

It's just a trifle.

Now, there are six parts.

Three sets of lovers.

And I thought, give us something to pass the time until the ball, we could rehearse it and perform it for our illustrious and distinguished authoress.

Now are there any questions?

No. No what?

You can't make me do a play. It's humiliating.

That's not a question. It's out of the question, I'm afraid.

I've got a question.

Who gets to pick the lovers?

Well, I'm thinking maybe ladies' choice.

You know, maybe alphabetically.

Goody, goody.

Eeny, meeny, miny... You!

Ma chérie.

And you, Miss Erstwhile?

MISS CHARMING: Pick wisely, Jane.

I guess Mr. Nobley.

Sorry. Sorry. That's okay.


Okay, since we have to spend so much time rehearsing this thing, let's just... Let's try not to annoy each other.

You don't annoy me.

You make me nervous.

So, are you enjoying your stay?

Really? We're making small talk now?


Well, the house is amazing, but it's kind of like a corset.

I like the way it looks, but it's just...

Hard to relax in it.

Yes, exactly.

But there is so much to love here.

I mean, the civility.

The manners.

The grandeur, you know.


The men.

The women.

The paintings. They're really...

Yes, you are an artist.

No, no, no.

The thing is, those aren't real. They're just stupid sketches.

Who's that? Exactly.

I'm sorry. They're not all like that.

No, no. It's a...

It's a fair likeness. No apologies needed.

It is curious, however, that there are more of me than anyone else.

I guess I've been trying to figure you out without much luck.

Surely you've come to some conclusions.

You're the resident Mr. Darcy.

Come on, you're every girl's fantasy.

So I'm your fantasy?

You play your character very well.


Shall we rehearse, then?



Are they acting?

I don't know what's real or what's not anymore.

I mean, what if she actually is...

In love with him?

Well, don't you think it's possible to confuse truth with fantasy?

I mean, what's gonna happen when the theatrical is over?

Well, it's a dangerous kind of game to play.

Don't you think, in their case anyway, those feelings that, you know, that they can run deeper and...

Oh, my.

If you'd have asked me a week ago, I'd have said no.

Miss Erstwhile. Yes.

You're shivering.

Thank you.

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Ladies, remember to wear your corsets nice and tight.

Jane, hey. Martin.

Where are the other guests?

In their private whist lesson.

It's part of the Platinum package.

I can't say that I miss that perk.

Stage curtain.

Right. Right.

I'll let you get to it, then.


I'm sorry.




lam Aphrodite, the goddess.

Often fickle in my large arse.

Largesse. Largesse.

I see some mortals there.

Yes, two in love, yet in despair.

Prithee, fair maid. Have thou seen my lost lamb?

Nay. Perhaps you should listen for its bleat.

Bleat. Bleat.

Go not to Athens, I pray thee, or my heart will truly break.

In faith and troth, I have no time to love...

MAN: Can't hear you.

No, no, no, louder.


Louder. MAN: Speak up!

In faith and troth, I have no time to love a lady.

War is my mistress.

Line? I write poems of love.

I write poems of love that no fair maid hears.

And I am shedding tears that fall to the ground but do not maketh a sound like the land...

You're rubbish. Get off the stage, you wanker.



I shall make everything all righty because I am the beautiful Aphrodite.



Can I pray thee, stranger, make me thy wife.

I seek no marriage but the cleavage...

Cleaving of my sword on mine enemy's flesh.

Then I shall die this day.

Thou cur.

You break this lady's heart, I will break your head.



MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Get an ice pack. Sorry.




WOMAN: Get on with it. Sorry.


What a... I've fallen upon my sword.

Is that blood upon your breast?

Alas, lam for the grave.


Then let me hold you as long as your breath lasts.

It's as if I have never known you before this moment.

And nought else matters in this world but you and how my heart beats for you.

I love you.

You need to die, Nobley.

Sorry. Sorry.


No, we are all dead.


MISS CHARMING: And they all died forever.

All dead forever. (VOCALIZING)

Shut up, Fartwright.



Bravo. Bravo!

Mrs. Wattlesbrook, you're a genius.


Lady Heartwright, you make such a beautiful corpse.


You know, I was aiming for your cans, but they're such a small target.



AMELIA: I'll never see again. (SOBBING)

It's okay, my baby.

Let's get out of here. Come on.

MISS CHARMING: ♪ You great, big beautiful door ♪


Come on.

This way.

Why are we running?

Because man and woman should never be alone unless they are in motion.

And what do the rules of etiquette say about being alone in your bedroom?


I should probably let you go before one of us gets into trouble.

I really had so much fun tonight.

So did I.

Miss Erstwhile?

Yes, Mr. Nobley?

Tomorrow evening...

Can I reserve the first two dances with you?

Yes, Mr. Nobley.

Miss Erstwhile, will you let me back in a moment?

When I look at you, I feel certain of something.


Guess what? What?

I'm wearing my favorite pair of satin pink pantaloons just in case.


Oh, my God. Look at that.

We're gonna be the prettiest girls at the ball.

Have fun tonight, Amelia.


You look so beautiful.

Piratey. But like a beautiful pirate.

It's infected.

I'm so sorry. CAPTAIN EAST: Maybe we should go.

Ship's ahoy.


It's okay, you look fine.

MISS CHARMING: It looks terrible.

That does not look good.

I was hoping to dance with a goddess tonight.


Smother me in butter and drop me in a saucepan.

There she is. My Venus de Milo.

Colonel Andrews.

Miss Charming.


I can't wait to see your bedroom.



Wow, you look... You look amazing.

Thank you. You look very nice, too.

Topshop. (LAUGHS)

Where are all these people from?

She's got everyone here, it's the gardener, the maids, the servants.

That guy over there, that's the taxidermist.

He's particularly creepy.

How is the baby horse?

He's good.

Yeah. He's talking and all that.

Yeah. He was asking about you. Really?

Yeah. He said, "Where's Straw Girl?"

I made an impression, I'm sure.

Jane, I'm really into you.

And if you wanna get out of here, I mean...

Miss Erstwhile?

Shall we?



Shall we? Yes.

You're stunning.


You all right?

I'm fine. And you? Are you having fun?

I'm taking an inordinate amount of pleasure from this evening.

MISS CHARMING: You're so light on your feet, you look like a nutcracker.

But none of it from the ball.

I think you just complimented me.

Jane, I need to tell you something.

I'm not meant to say or do these things, my aunt would kill me, but...

You are my sun and my moon.

My earth and my stars.

Marry me.

Marry you? Oh, my God, of course I will.

Oh, God, I love you. I love you.

You make me the happiest man alive, dear Amelia, if you'd be my wife.

Oh, George.

Jane. Remember our first night?

Something about bad first impressions comes to mind.

I know your opinion of me was horrible.

I was horrible.

I was nervous.

I felt out of place and I certainly didn't intend on falling in love, but...

I have.

I can't imagine leaving this place without you.

Please, tell me if I have any hope.

I didn't realize...

This is how I'd feel at this part.

Feel what?

You were right, this is a dangerous kind of game.

I don't wanna play anymore.

What do you want?

I want something real.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.


Do you still wanna get out of here?



Good night, Your Majesty.

I didn't think I was touching you inappropriately.

Well, you did. And if we're to be together, you must never ever do anything like that ever again, if we're to be together.

Even Prudence is getting some.


Are you ready? Yes.

So Wattlesbrook got Nobley to propose to me tonight.

Yeah. Classic.


Is that when you walked out? Just...

Man, what a tart.


I have to admit his character was pretty dreamy.


I wouldn't marry him.

Mainly because he's got bad knees.

Bad knees? Did he mention his knees?

I'm an even bigger nerd than I thought, though.

I mean, there were actual moments when I really did believe it was real.

Don't feel bad. I mean, Wattlesbrook hires the best actors around.



Some of her clients, you know, aren't half bad either.


I'm so glad you're outside of the fantasy.

Makes it easier to walk away from it all.

You know my flight leaves tomorrow, but I could see if I could change it.

Stay a few extra days in London.

That's an offer I... I'm not gonna refuse.

I fancy seeing you in...

I don't know, some trousers or...

Do you wear anything less 1800s, ever?

Do you?

Yeah, I do the short shorts. (LAUGHS)

MRS. WATTLESBROOK: Please bring soiled petticoats and undergarments...

Jane. Lizzie.

Are you off?

I'm off. I'm packing up.

Hey, you know, I wanted to say just...

Thanks for everything.

And I made this for you.

All the sewing we did.

That's beautiful.

I think she's way prettier than me, don't you think?


That's really great needlepoint.

So what are you gonna do now?

I thought I would stay on and check out all the new recruits.

You know, make sure that all of them know that Colonel Andrews is taken.

And then I thought I would ask Miss Wattlesbrook if I can buy the place.

You should.

I know. I think I should.

Lizzie, you know, I think...

I think that Colonel Andrews...

I think he... That he might be...

Perfect for you.

Jane, thank you.

I was so afraid you were gonna say you thought he was gay.

AMELIA: Adieu.



God, that was the best time so far.

Except for the eye gouging.

You're not British?

Yeah, I know, right?

Well, that's what two years of private drama tutoring will get you.

You ended up with Nobley, right?

He was such a bore, but, you know...

He did a good job of being into you.

He asked me to pretend your cell phone was mine.

It's so sad when the trip is over, but, frankly, lam dying for a massage.

My husband's old.

Very old.

And I trust you discovered rewarding romance with one of the gentlemen?

Actually, there was someone, but not Mr. Nobley, as you may have intended.

My dear, Henry was never meant for you.

No, his job was to take care of Lady Heartwright until George East finished his little show.

No, Martin was scripted for you right from the very beginning.

No, but he's...

Martin's a servant.

Well, you've seen my servants.

I had to take him out just for a little while because things were steaming up.

But I had every confidence that he could woo you back.

And your timing was very fortunate.

Most of the ladies just get a litter of kittens.

The foal is the showstopper.

The foal?

I trust you would like to be on your way, Jane?

More than ever.

Are you upset?

No, not at all.

And please don't take it personally when I shut you down.

Shut me down?

I wasn't the first guest Mr. Wattlesbrook assaulted, was I?

I should be able to find other complaints in no time.


CAPTAIN EAST: ♪ Bright eyes

♪ Every now and then I fall apart ♪ Wow, Nobley, eh?

Tied your cravat just a wee bit too tight, didn't you?

To be honest, I can't believe you didn't get Jane.

I mean, she was... She was anyone's.


Mad dog over there. (TELEPHONE RINGS)

Colonel Andrews speaking. Yes.

Yes, no. I'll tell him right away. Yes.

Yes. Yes, you have a good day. Of course. Bye-bye.

Martin, that was the old girl back at the house.

Appears you're still on the clock.

You're to go to the airport and smooth some ruffled feathers pronto.

No rest for the gorgeous.

Hi. No luggage. No.

WOMAN: (ON PA) This is a passenger announcement.

Can Jane Erstwhile please report to the information desk?

That's Jane Erstwhile to the information desk.

Hi, I think they...

Jane. Hey.

I'm really sorry you didn't know, okay?

I'd still like to spend the night together. Yeah?

You are an actor!

Hey. Hey, but...

But you're desperately in love with me anyway?

And these sudden passionate feelings that sent you running after me have nothing to do with Mrs. Wattlesbrook's fear that I'm gonna report her delinquent husband?

Of course not. Okay? Right.

I know it all seems shady, but romances have bloomed on stonier ground.

Did Wattlesbrook write that line? Because we know you didn't.

Okay, she wrote the line. Okay? Right.

But I'm the one standing here saying it.


Jolly good, the prefect's here to save the day.

You can't believe anything he's said.

I've only just realized now that Martin was assigned to you.

I know. I... Yeah.

She knows, so...

So, what are you doing here?

It's just that I don't think you understand that I'm not what you think I am.

I have fallen for you. Right.

My aunt was an actor, sure.

She's an odd woman, I know, but she was desperate.

What I'm saying is that your first week at the manor was my first week, too.

I'm not an actor.

Don't listen to him, Janey.

Don't call me Janey! You were paid to kiss me.

As far as you are concerned, lam Miss Erstwhile.

I mean, it's so embarrassing.

What, do you keep a supply of pregnant horses just laying around or something?

What? You're not a vet!

I did a biology class at school.

Come on, you were acting, too.

Look, before you go and make your report, you should know, gorgeous, that what we had was real.

No, you didn't. What we had was real. Didn't we?

Surely you felt it seeping through all these costumes and pretense?

He's still acting. It's all part of his act.

See the costume? He's an actor.

You're just jealous, aren't you?

Because my aunt would rather bring in a complete novice than move some Kiwi actor up to the big house.

You're not British either?

It's part of the Commonwealth.

Couldn't you get a job on The Hobbit?

That's it, Shakespeare.


You guys.

Just... Don't actually, actually strangle him.

Okay. All right, all right.

Take that, England.

Careful of my shirt!

That's my foot!

Okay, okay. No, no, no. I'm...

Stop! No.

No! It is over. I am done with all of this!

That felt good. I should have done that a long time ago.


Excuse me.

Did you hear that, England?

I am officially over it!

WOMAN: (ON PA) Southwest Airlines flight SA435 now boarding at Gate 20.

That's my cue to exit.

Boys, it has been a pleasure.

Thank you for that and I'm sorry.

Look, Jane, Jane, Jane, wait, wait. Hey, I never lied to you.

It doesn't even matter that you weren't real.

You were perfect. Thank you.

♪ Somewhere there's a light

♪ That meets a shoreless tide

♪ But I guess I'm resigned

♪ To never seeing mine

♪ I never lied

♪ All these teenage dreams

♪ Put them all aside

♪ They hurt like kryptonite

♪ And you lost a piece of me ♪ MOLLY: You're back? Hello to you, too.

I'm coming over.

All right, I'll see you in a minute.


That was quick. Come on in.


Do you want some tea?

Love a cup, thank you.

What are you doing here?


You left this.


You could've mailed it.


I could have.

You're right.

What was I thinking?

Wait a minute. Hey.

You know, I'm not gonna report your aunt.

So it was a little overkill to send you all the way here.

She didn't send me.

Mr. Nobley, or whoever you actually are.

My name is Henry.

It's Henry Nobley.

I'm a history professor. Oh.

That's really nice.

I used to think my aunt's profession was somewhat grotesque, but the truth is that I enjoyed stepping into history.

The idea of a simpler world where love is straightforward and lasting.

I believe we have that in common.

But all of this is secondary to the fact that I am completely mad about you.

All right. Well you may have been mad about Miss Erstwhile, but...

You don't even know me. I...

You are Miss Erstwhile.

I saw you in the theatrical. You were horrifying.

Wait a minute. You were horrifying. I was...

I wasn't great.

My point exactly.

Neither one of us are capable of pretending.

Nobley, I just don't think this is a...

The night of the ball, you said you wanted something real.

I'd like to believe that I am real.

Is it possible that someone like me can make you happy?

Will you let me try?

No. See, people don't do this.

I mean, this is my fantasy. This isn't...

Have you stopped to consider that you might have this all backward?


You are my fantasy.



Welcome to Austenland.


Hello, everybody. Enjoy yourselves.

Oh, my goodness. Hello.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

♪ If you lived in a world of love

♪ Would you forget who you were?

♪ Before you get taken in by a sight of hand

♪ You've got to watch your step In Austenland

Move, move, move! Movey, move!

Honey, honey. No touchy, no touchy.




Get off it.

I love you, Captain! Georgie!

♪ "I know I feel that way too"

That's a very sexy bonnet.

Knob off.

...and we lost the whole thing because... Just leave me alone!

This is truly my fantasy.

♪ You can bend your soul bend your back, your heart

♪ So if you're gonna play then you better play hard

♪ Austenland won't you come

♪ Where the sun shines on your face?

♪ Austenland take your dancing partner by the waist

♪ Oh, with your heart in your hand

♪ Now you try and catch her gaze and say "Who, me?"

♪ "I know I feel that way too" ♪


♪ Come on, a little bit of hot, hot

♪ And a little bit of hot, hot

♪ Just a little bit of

♪ Just a little bit of

♪ Just a little bit of

♪ I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious

♪ Flirtatious, trying to show faces

♪ I'm waiting for the right time to shoot my steez you know

♪ Waiting for the right time to flash them ki's, ♪ I'm leaving, please believing

♪ Me and the rest of my heathens

♪ Check it, got it locked at the top of the Four Seasons

♪ Penthouse, roof top, birds I'm feeding

♪ No deceiving, nothing up my sleeve and

♪ No teasing I need you to

♪ Get up up on the dance floor

♪ Give that man what he asking for

♪ 'Cause I feel like busting loose

♪ And I feel like touching you

♪ And can't nobody stop the juice

♪ So baby tell me what's the use?

♪ I said It's getting hot in here

♪ So hot ♪ So take off all your clothes

♪ I am getting so hot I wanna take my clothes off

♪ It's getting hot in here

♪ So hot ♪ So take off all your clothes

♪ I am getting so hot I wanna take my clothes off

♪ I like it when you ♪ Ah, ah

♪ Girl, baby make it ♪ Ah, ah ♪