Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) Script

HAVE A GOOD TIME


Yeah, baby.

Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous.

l may just be a small-town FBI agent-slash-single mother...

...but I'm still tough and sexy.

Well, Miss Normous, shall we shag now...

...or shag later?

Oh, Austin, behave.

Hey, Powers.

You better watch your frigging self...

...because this is one doctor who does make house calls.

Right, Mini Me?

Hey, assholes.

I'm right over here. I'm Mini Me. Come and get me.

And cut.

That's a cut, everybody.

Moving on. Check the gate, please.

So, Austin, what'd you think of the opening credits?

Well, l can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg...

...the grooviest filmmaker in the history of cinema...

...is making a movie about my life.

Very shagadelic, baby. Yeah.

Having said that, l do have some thoughts.

Really?

Uh, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.

Well, no offense, Sir Stevie...

...but you've got to have mojo, baby. Yeah.

Hit it.


Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Quincy Jones.

Yeah.

This is where the movie gets its mojo, baby.

Groovy, yes.

Quiet, everybody. Music video, take two.

It's Britney Spears.


Oops, l did it again, baby. Yeah.

l love you!

Yeah.

Welcome back, Herr Doctor. How was space?

Space was cool. Wasn't it, Mini Me?

-Mm-hm. -Yeah.

Dr. Evil, while you were in space...

...I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money...

...and still maintain the ethics and the business practices...

...of an evil organization. l have turned us into a talent agency: The Hollywood Talent Agency.

-Really? -By charging A-list clients 9 percent...

...rather than the traditional 10 percent, we've been able to sign such stars...

-...as George Clooney... -Ooh.

...Julia Roberts... -Hey.

...and Leo DiCaprio.

Leo.

And the best part of the whole scheme is we all get our own assistants.

Hi, I'm Number Three.

Whoa!

I’m really excited to be part of the team here at HTA.

Very impressive, Number Two...

...but I finally have the perfect plan.

In the '70s, there lived a Dutch metallurgical hedonist...

...by the name of Johann van der Smut.

He loved gold so much...

...he even lost his genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident.

Hence the name...

...Goldmember.

He invented a cold-fusion power unit...

...for a "tractor beam"--

"Tractor beam"...

...powerful enough to pull a meteor to Earth.

The meteor was called...

..."Midas 22."

It’s made of solid gold.

Is he sleeping?

Well, that's okay. l guess Mini Me won't get any...

...chocolate!

You want down, Mini Me? Use your words like a big boy clone.

He's okay.

Here's the chocolate.

It’s from Bruges. That's in Belgium.

That's where Daddy's from. Yeah.

Check out Mini Me.

Yeah. He's gone mental on account of the chocolate.

It’s like fricking catnip for clones.

-Your chair, Dr. Evil. -Thank you.

Whoa!

Thanks. Skedaddle. Right.

You know, when you have kids...

...I think you're gonna find that all kids are different, eh?

For example, Mini Me loves chocolate.

Scotty don't.

-What, l like chocolate fine, l just-- -Scotty don't.

Well, this is very familiar. Hang on, let me do what l do. "Uh, would you stop?"

How about I what?

What are you...? l don't even-- Honestly, isn't this--?

How about you don't? Ladies and gentlemen, Scotty Don't.

Ahem. Dr. Evil, perhaps it's time that you finished unveiling your plan.

Yes, thank you, Number Two. Ladies and gentlemen, my plan is--

-Scotty don't. -Come on. You're such a lame-ass.

Oh. -Oh.

-Oh. -Oh.

Yeah. -Oh, this is...

Yeah, yeah. -Oh, so we're...

You know, this is causing me serious psychological harm. l don't know. Who am l?

Fine. You know what? l would love some chocolate.

Here you go.

Thank you. Perfect.

Heel, Mini Me.

Heel.

Come on. Got me a marlin. Yeah.

-You okay, Mini Me? -Mm-hm.

Yeah? Did l pull too hard? l don't want to hurt you.

-Dr. Evil. -Yeah?

What does Goldmember's plan have to do with us?

Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations.

Preparations A through G were a failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen...

...we finally have a working tractor beam which we shall call:

"Preparation H."

What?

Why don't you just call it "Operation Ass Cream," you ass.

I’m sorry, did you want some ice cream?

Yes. I'd love some chocolate ass cream.

Perhaps later.

-Dr. Evil, l love your plan. -Yeah, eh?

Ja, Herr Doctor, it's a really good plan.

Yes, Frau, on the whole, l think Preparation H feels good.

-What is it now? -No, nothing. You know what, I agree.

Preparation H does feel good on the hole.

Well, I’m glad we're sprechen Sie the same lingitty, ja.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...using my time machine, l shall travel back to 1975...

...pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future.

And the best part of this plan is...

...no one can stop me.

Not even...

...Austin Powers.

Not so fast.

You're surrounded, Dr. Evil.

Shit.

Dr. Evil, the World Court sentences you to 400 years.

Do you have anything to say?

No, but l think Mini Me does.

Order! l will have order!

Looks like two eggs in a hanky.

The criminal genius known as Dr. Evil and his clone...

...were sentenced today at the World Organization.

For his efforts, Austin Powers...

...son of England's most famous spy, Nigel Powers...

...will be knighted by the queen at Buckingham Palace.

Arise, Sir Austin Powers.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

-Your father must be very proud of you. -Oh, yeah.

Come on, Dad, stand up and take a bow.

Daddy?

Dad?

Daddy

Daddy wasn't there

Daddy Daddy wasn't there To take me to the fair It seems he doesn't care Daddy wasn't there

When I was first baptized When I was criticized When I was ostracized When I was Jazzercised Steak and kidney pies One-hour Martinize When I was circumcised Daddy wasn't there To take me to the fair To change my underwear Daddy wasn't there

"Daddy Wasn't There." Peace.

l am a sexy beast.

Yes.

Bangs. Yes, how’s it going?

The robot. Haven't seen that in a while.

It’s Austin Powers! You so funny. -Well, you know.

Also, very sexiful. Can l have autograph?

Of course. Your name is...?

Fook Mi.

Oh, behave, baby. Yes.

-Now, your name is...? -Fook Mi.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Fook Mi. Like this.

Oh, l see!

Your name is Fook Mi.

-You want drink? -Yes, of course.

You know, l have a private bar in the back that you're more than welcome to use--

Here you go.

Fook Mi, that was fast.

Fook Yu.

You're going the right way for a smacked bottom...

...and l don't care who knows it.

Austin.

This is my twin sister. Her name Fook Yu.

Fook Yu.

Fook Mi.

See?

Twins. Twins.

Twins. Yes.

We're going to see the twins. Yes.

l also think Austin Powers very sexiful.

We think you are very gravy, baby.

Do we make you sleepy?

Well, you make me many things, but sleepy's not one of them.

We give you top-secret massage.

Yes, top-secret massage, baby.

Sorry about that. l swear to God that never happens, heh-heh-heh.

Yes, hold on a tic.

Okay....

Okay. Now, where were we, babies? Yes.

Ah, Austin. I’m sorry to interrupt.

Twins, Basil. Twins.

Austin, it's your father.

-Bye-bye. -What?

-Bye. -He's been kidnapped.

Very heavy, man.

Oh. So that's why my father wasn't at the knighting ceremony.

Well, no, actually.

He was kidnapped after you were knighted.

Ah.

He was last seen on his yacht.

Ah, yes, the HMS Shag-at-Sea.

Exactly. Just take a look.

Gentlemen, fall in.

Austin, these men were assigned to guard your father.

Okay, chaps. Chins up, trousers down. l think we may have found a clue.

Cor blimey. All your privates have had their privates painted gold.

How bizarre.

Imagine, gilded tallywhackers...

...golden wedding tackle, 14-karat trouser snakes--

-That's enough. -Okay.

Basil, there's only one person in the world...

...who truly understands the psychology of a madman.

Dr. Evil.


I've been expecting you, Mr. Powers.

My father is missing.

Yes, I heard. How ironic.

You finally caught me, yet now you need me more than ever.

But then again, you've always needed me, haven't you, Mr. Powers?

Remember when I told you we're not so different, you and I?

We're not so different, you and l.

See? l did say that. Mm-hm.

Very clever. Now, who has my father?

Uh-oh!

Someone has some daddy issues.

Nothing could be my father from the truth.

Ooh! You said, "my father."

-No, l dadn't. -Hey-oh!

Didn't. Did not.

She-ba.

-For me, this is a dad issue. -Ha--

Dead issue. Dead dad.

Deadbeat dad. Daddy didn't love me.

It seems the knighting ceremony wasn't the only time...

...your daddy let you down.

Remember that day at the academy?

Think.

It was graduation.

Yeah, baby, yeah. Do l make you horny, baby?

Oh, yes, that's the spot. Right there.

You're a naughty one. Yes, you are.

Hello, vicar. Crake!

Have you ever heard of knocking, man?

Right.

We were just getting started.

Bye, love.

Don't forget, Master Powers, later you have a brief oral exam.

Well, l hope it's mostly oral and not too...

...brief, baby.

You know, "brief" and "oral exam"....

Marks are in, lads.

It looks Like Master Evil is the top contender...

...for this year's International Man of Mystery.

He's number one in the class.

Whoop-de-do, Basil.

Hey, everybody, I'm number one.

Who cares?

Hello, I’m Number Two.

Nice to meet you, Number Two...

...but now I’m going to be named this year's International Man of Mystery.

Yeah, right.

Shut your gob.

Ow!

Who throws a cupcake? Honestly.

And now it's time to award our greatest honor.

This year's International Man of Mystery is...

...Austin Powers.

Well done, Austin.

Jolly good. -Top notch.

We're proud of you. -Very well done, indeed.

It’s always been my dream to win this award, just like my dad.

And I’m glad he could be here.

Stand up, Dad. Take a bow.

Dad?

Daddy?

Boo-frickity-hoo. l had the best grades in the class and I didn't get diddlysquat.

-Here we go. -Tell me, Mr. Powers...

...what did you find on those sailors?

A golden surprise, perhaps?

How did--? Yes.

All the sailors had their meat and two veg painted gold.

Yes, it's the distinctive calling card of a criminal mastermind.

The aptly named...

...Goldmember.

How can I find this Goldmember?

Quid pro quo, Mr. Powers.

Yes, squid pro row.

I'll give you Goldmember, you give me a transfer to a regular prison...

...so that l could be with my beloved Mini Me.

Okay, I'll get you a transfer to a regular prison.

Now, where's Goldmember?

Not where, Mr. Powers...

...but when.

1975. Studio 69 Disco. New York City. Corner of 69th and 8th.

You go now, Mr. Powers.

Fly, fly.

I’ll get it.

Instead of hiding your father in some remote location...

...Goldmember is hiding him in 1975.

So our engineers have crafted this vehicle...

...to time-travel to the '70s.

Smashing, Basil. A pimpmobile.

Oh, yes, yes. l knew it would tickle your fancy.

What can l say? Look.

Cough.

Here we go, 1975.

Good luck, Austin.

1975!

Yeah, baby! Yeah!


Solid Gold Solid Gold It's gold, it's gold It's gold, it's gold It's solid gold, baby

It's gold, it's gold It's gold, it's gold It's solid gold, baby Yeah He's got the Midas touch But he touched it too much Hey, Goldmember He's got a golden pad He's super bad Hey, Goldmember Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Studio 69.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

It’s Goldmember!

Hey, everybody, I am from Holland.

Isn't that weird? Yes. Ha, ha.

He's got the Midas touch But he touched it too much Hey, Goldmember -Yeah Hey, Goldmember You're getting' down tonight Ow! -You're dynamite Hey, Goldmember

-Goldmember -Hey, Goldmember

'Cause that's the way, uh-huh Uh-huh He likes it, uh-huh Uh-huh Goldmember -Goldmember He loves it -He loves it

'Cause that's the way, uh-huh -Uh-huh

-He likes it, uh-huh -Uh-huh Goldmember -Goldmember He loves it -He loves it He's got the Midas touch He touched it too much Hey, Goldmember Hey, Goldmember -Goldmember He's from the Netherlands

-It's where he learned to dance -Hey, Goldmember

-Gold, Goldmember -Hey, Goldmember Hey, Goldmember It's gold, it's gold It's gold, it's gold It's solid gold, baby Goldmember's so solid -It's gold, it's gold, it's gold It's gold, it's gold, it's gold

-It's gold -It's solid gold, baby His member's so gold Yes, it is, yeah

Well, if it isn't Austin Powers.

I’m sorry?

You got a lot of nerve dragging your jive white ass in here. l don't believe we've met.

It’s me. Foxxy!

Foxxy Cleopatra!

Long time, no see.

-Oh. -Stop!

We can't be seen talking to each other, you dig?

I’m using this cat as a distraction. l get it. Yes, very clever.

First things first.

Ow! Ouch-kabibble!

Eight years and no phone call? Nobody stands up Foxxy Cleopatra!

Where have you been?

Listen, Foxxy. l just want you to know l never intended to hurt you, baby.

Well, all I know is...

...Mama only got a taste of honey...

...but she wanted the whole beehive.

Oh, beehive.

Yes, "beehive."

You always knew how to make me smile.

Well, you know, it's a gift, really. l, um--

Ugh, what am I doing?

Foxxy, what are you doing in Goldmember's club?

I’m undercover.

About a year ago, my partner at the bureau was killed.

And that jive-ass turkey Goldmember is the prime suspect.

Ow!

Your father's in the back room, under heavy guard.

-Thanks, Foxxy. -Austin! Good luck.

Oh!

-Dad! -Hello, son.

Just overpowering my guards. Heh, heh.

I’m here to rescue you. Come quickly.

I’ve got a better idea. Why don't you rescue me in about...

...what, seven or eight minutes, eh? Ha, ha.

Oh, knock it off. l don't want to see my dad on the job.

Come on, let's go.

Okay. I’m sorry. I'm sorry, girls. -No.

I’ve got to go, it's my boy. Hold on.

-What's wrong with your neck? -l took a Viagra.

It got stuck in my throat. I’ve had a stiff neck for hours. l thank you.

Listen, Dad, if you are gonna talk about naughty things...

...in front of these American girls...

...then at least speak "English" English.

All right, my son. l could've had it away with this cracking Judy, my old china.

Are you telling pork pies and a bag of tripe?

Because if you are feeling quiggly, why not just have a J. Arthur?

-What, Billy No-Mates? -Too right, youth.

Don't you remember the din-din with the grotty Scottish bint?

Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens?

The trouble and strife of the Morris dancer that lived up the apples and pears.

Yes, yes, she was the barrister that became a bobby in a lorry...

...with a Gatling gun in and above St. Regis...

...tea kettle.

Yes. -Then she...

Shat on a turtle.

-Oh, God, we had some good times, eh? -We had some good times, eh?

-Wonderful times, we had. -Good times, yeah.

We had some good, uh...

...times.

Welcome to 1975...

...Austin Powers and father.

Excuse me while l change. The roller boogie has made me sweaty.

Yeah, sweaty.

You see, Mr. Powers...

...I love gold.

The look of it, the taste of it...

...the smell of it, the texture. l love gold so much...

...that I even lost my genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident.

Hence the name...

...Goldmember.

We are both swingers, you see? Ha, ha.

You have a tight body. Yes. l see that from your tight pants.

Yes, you are tight like a tiger.

Would you like a smoke and a pancake?

-A what? -A smoke and a pancake.

You know, flapjack and a cigarette? Hmm?

All right. Cigar and a waffle?

No? Pipe and a crepe?

No? Bong and a blintz? -No.

Ah, well. Then there is no pleasing you.

That's not right.

Ooh, hello. What have we here?

That's a keeper. Yes.

Put it in the skin box, please. With the others.

-I’m peeling. -Oh, that’s just disgusting.

Quickly. Quickly. Thank you.

Save me from myself.

You're insane, Goldmember.

And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, l like it.

KC and the Sunshine Band.

All right, Goldmember, don't play the laughing boy.

There are only two things l can't stand in this world:

People who are intolerant of other people's cultures...

...and the Dutch. -What?

Take the father away.

Dutch-hater. And now, ha, ha, it is time to say goodbye.

Dr. Evil's orders.

Which for you is bad news, bears.

Walter Matthau.

Shazam.

Up yours, jive turkey.

-Traitor. -Ugh!

Heh-heh-heh. Yes, the gun. Good, very good.

2002.

They're taking my father to the time machine.

The say-what machine? -Come on, now. Ha, ha.

No! -This way, sugar.

That was close, Foxxy. l owe you one.

Austin, I found this in Goldmember's office. It’s a microfilm. It may be a clue.

-Smashing. -l want to go to the future with you.

We can catch Goldmember together. l owe it to my partner. l should warn you, Foxxy, 2002 is very different.

Well, heh, the future better get ready for me.

Because I’m Foxxy Cleopatra and I'm a whole lot of woman.

2002, here we come.

All visitations limited to five minutes.

No spitting in the visitors' room.

Herr Doctor...

...I have some news.

-It’s your son. -Oh.

He wants to take over the family business.

Scotty does?

Oh, he’s gotten so evil, he has even started losing his hair. l know, it's sweet.

Oh, he just wants to make you proud, Herr Doctor.

After all, it’s hard on the boy not having a father.

You know, first you were frozen, then you were in space, now you're in jail.

Well, don't tell me he feels neglected. l was adopted by fricking Belgians, eh?

You were adopted? l never met my birth parents.

There was a car accident.

I'm told it was a beautiful Belgian day.

The smell of waffles and Brussels sprouts filled the summer air...

...until....

My birth mother was incinerated. l only survived because her smoking carcass...

...formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence.

A Belgian man and his 15-year-old love slave with webbed feet...

...was looting the accident scene.

They came across a blood-soaked baby, moi.

They raised me to be evil.

You know, that old chestnut.

But nothing compares to this, being inside the belly of the beast...

...night after night, all alone.

Daddy’s all pent up. Let’s freak!

Oh!

Time's up.

Visiting hours are over. Step to the line.

Cuffs up.

Move it.

Hi, there.

How you sleeping? Good?

Gentlemen, listen up, y'all.

Here's the new plan:

You're gonna start a riot...

...and we’re gonna walk out the front door.

Hey, man. l know guys on crack that makes more sense than you.

Really?

Then let me put it to you this way, cuz.

Yeah.

-Instead of treated -We get tricked

-Instead of kisses -We get kicked It's the hard knock I don't know how to be No crib on MTV God only knows Got my Mini Me in the G.P.

See how it goes Evil's all that I see And you ask me my name? D to the rizzo E to the vizzo I to the lizzo I'm a crazy Y'all knew that Austin caught me in the first act It's all backwards, what's with that?

So I'll make a prophecy From the dogs to the Mini Me Give me an Escalade, a two-way Bling bling on eBay Domino

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Instead of treated This is for all my homeys in Bruges

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

Ah, Cristal.

My Moto.

A couple of beyotches.

Why not?

I gotta bust a move Drop and bust a groove Feelin' fine, got an evil crew Goldmember too Lick my 9 Till then I'll...on my...butt Brains out Put...on call And splooge in your...that's all Fo' shizzle my nizzle, y'all

Yeah.

All right, Listen up.

Tonight, 8 p.m., you're going to start a riot.

Yes, Dr. Evil.

Attention, all guards. There is a riot in progress.

Seal all exits.

Attention. Dr. Evil and his clone are trying to escape.

All guards report to Cell Block A immediately.

Dr. Evil and his clone are getting away.

There you are.

-Good morning, sunshine. -Good morning.

How did you sleep?

-Great. -Me too. If these lips could talk.

Mm. Oh, hello.

You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.

Oh. l hope there's a search involved.

You've got mail.

So, what does this thing do?

Well, it's called the Internet...

...and it's completely revolutionized the way we live...

...and access vital information.

For example, have a look at this:

Oh, look at the monkey.

Oh, he's got his finger on his-- -Oh, no. Watch out.

Wow. Now, that's vital information. l know. It’s amazing.

Oh, Basil. What's happening, baby?

A lot is happening, Foxxy.

Dr. Evil has escaped.

The good news is that one of our agents...

...has managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organization.

Excellent. We’ve been trying for years to get a mole inside Dr. Evil’s lair.

-We now have that mole. -Yes.

And here he is.

So you're the--

Mo....

Most. Most.

-Most. -Most excellent agent we've ever seen.

Yes, most excellent agent we’ve ever seen.

-Mm-hm. -Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, l wasn't able to get an exact Location, but l did learn...

...that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo, Japan.

Hmm.

By the way, l realize that l have a large mole on my face.

Where? Ha, ha.

What? Where's that mole? Heh, heh. l didn't see one. l also realize the irony that l am myself a mole.

No one would make that connection.

Anyway, well done, old chap.

Jolly good work.

Yes, nice to mole you-- Meet you. Nice to meet your mole.

-Don't say "mole." -Stop.

-l said "mole." -Stop.

Stop.

Bye. -Mole.

Mole.

Stop.

-Mole. -Oh, shut up!

Moley-moley-moley-moIey-moley.

Up, periscope.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...welcome to my new submarine lair.

It’s long and hard and full of seamen.

Nothing? No?

Not even a titter?

Tough sub.

Dr. Evil, you look very tight.

Yes, tight like a tiger.

-Yes, yes, yes. -Really?

Yes, you look like a macho man.

Village People.

You know, Goldmember...

...I don't think that’s something one dude should say to another dude.

Yeah. A little creepy. Mm-hm.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. This is a keeper. Oi.

Yes.

All right, you're not gonna put that skin in your mouth, are you?

You did. Okay, that’s just gross.

Yes, salty. Yes, that was good.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...as you know...

...we've been designing a "tractor beam"...

...code-named Preparation H.

-Heh-heh-heh. -It’s powerful enough to pull the meteor...

..."Midas 22" into a collision course with the Earth.

Upon entering the atmosphere, the hot ball of magma...

...will strike and melt the polar icecaps, causing a global flood.

But enough of my technical mumbo jumbo. Allow me to demonstrate.

Lower the globe.

Lower the globe!

Ow! Ow!

Well, congratulations, numbnuts.

You've succeeded in turning me into a fricking jack-in-the-box.

Get it off. Get it off. It's dark, it's dark.

I’m okay. I’m okay.

Release the meteor.

Release the meteor!

-Ow! -Oh....

No way.

Right in the kniggin.

-Goddamn it. Oh! -Ow.

Guys.

Way to go, A-hole.

All right, hold on while I try and find my balls, for God's sakes.

One, two and three.

Okay. I'm okay.

Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy.

May l present to you...

...the very sexual, the very tight...

...Austin Powers' father.

-His what? -His father, Dr. Evil.

His "farger"?

-What's a farger? -His father. You know, the father.

Yeah. Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch, okay, perv boy?

Father. His dad. Dad is father.

Oh, his dad?

Oh, his father.

Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn’t that weird?

Father. Father.

Ah, Nigel Powers.

Hello, hello.

-Bring him to me. -Easy peezy, lemon squeezy.

Oh, put the guns down. Is this the first day on the job or something?

Look, this is how it goes. You attack me one at a time...

...and l knock you out with a single punch. Okay? Go.

-Judo chop. -Oh, he's good.

Judo chop.

Do you know who I am?

Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen...

...I've killed over the years? And look at you.

You haven't even got a nametag. You got no chance.

Why don't you just fall down?

Go on, son.

All right, Dr. Evil, give yourself up while you've still got a chance.

Okay. Okay. You've got me.

Nigel Powers, meet...

...Mini Me. -Oh, blimey. l thought l smelled cabbage.

Take him away.

Uh, Dr. Evil, can l paint his yoo-hoo gold?

It’s kind of my thing, you know.

How about no, you crazy Dutch bastard?

Attention, henchmen, it's health week.

Don't forget your physical. Dr. Evil's orders.

You know, l think it's a shame the way they treat you.

Just because you're one-eighth their size...

...doesn't mean you deserve one-eighth of their respect.

Does it?

Say, mini-fella, I'm, uh...

...I'm curious.

Is, uh, everything in proportion?

You know, your bobby-dangler, your general, two colonels...

...your giggle stick, master of ceremonies.

Yeah. Oh, don't be shy. Let's have a look.

My word.

You're a tripod.

What do you feed that thing, eh? It’s like a baby's arm holding an apple.

The good news is, you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand.

l think we both know who the real brains is behind this operation, eh?

Mm-hm.

Tokyo à gogo, baby. Yeah.

Oh, what's kicking, Basil?

A lot's kicking, Foxxy. Austin...

...one of Dr. Evil's henchmen has been spotted at the Asahi Sumo Arena.

Proceed there immediately.

Thanks, Basil.

Ah, Jesus Christ. This diaper's making my nuts rub together.

It’s gonna start a fire.

That's Fat Bastard.

...Fat Bastard.

You know what my favorite Helen Hunt movie is?

Twister.

Oh!

Fat Bastard...

-That's not right. -Sure ain't.

Are we done here?

I’ve got to take a crap.

Wait a tick.

Something doesn't smell right.

And l think it's Fat Bastard.

On top of spaghetti All covered in-- Ahh! --cheese I lost my poor meatball

'Cause somebody--

-You okay, Austin? -Sound as a pound, love. Yeah. Good.

What the--? I didn't have any corn.

Aah!

Hey, diaper lady.

Here's my diaper. l think l might have pinched one off too soon.

Oh, l left a rosebud in there for you.

You really are a fat bastard.

You know, that hurts my feelings. l tried going on a diet, you know.

The Zone. You know, "carbs are the enemy"?

We don't like carbs, you know what I mean?

Oh.

Who's your friend?

Oh, I'd like to have a go with that filly.

Oh, do you find me sexy?

Oh, look at my titties.

-Shut your mouth. -Mm, yeah.

All right, that's enough.

Okay, you got me.

-Put it there, would you? -Okay.

Come here, you.

Ow, my titties!

Ow, you gave me a nurple.

I’ve got you now, ha-ha-ha.

Come here, you.

Prepare for the ultimate wire-fighting maneuver. l just hope my wire-fighting team is ready.

Whoa!

-Crikey. -Oh, great.

Isn’t this magical?

One of my wires broke.

You under arrest, sugar.

Okay, Fat Bastard, who's the Japanese cat you made an exchange with?

Oh, all right.

His name is Roboto.

He owns Roboto Industries.

He's designing some contraption for Dr. Evil. l don't know.

The tractor beam.

That's it. -Listen...

...do you honestly think that crime can pay?

Well, to be honest with you, I’ve been trying to go legit. l really take my sumo wrestling seriously, you know.

But when you're an overweight child...

...in a society that demands perfection...

...well, your sense of right, wrong...

...fair and unfair...

...will always be tragically skewed.

Did you just soil yourself?

Maybe, heh-heh-heh.

It did sound a little wet, didn't it? Right at the end.

Ooh. Ha-ha-ha.

Let's have a smell, all right?

Ooh, wafting, wafting.

Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? This is magic.

All right, analysis:

Oh, it smells Like carrots and throw-up.

Oh, that could gag a maggot. l smell Like hot, sick ass in a dead carcass.

Oh, even stink would say that stinks.

You know when you go into an apartment building...

...and you smell other people's cooking on each floor and you go:

"What are they cooking?" That, plus crap.

-Hey, Pop. -Hey, Scotty.

How you been, sport?

Whoa! l got you a present.

Really?

-Open the tank. -Open the tank!

Are those sharks with laser beams attached to their heads?

Cool. You mean l actually have fricking sharks...

...with fricking Laser beams attached to their fricking heads?

You're the best evil son an evil dad could ever ask for.

Well, l love you, Dad.

l love you, son.

It’s touching moment, yes.

Scotty, come here.

Pop a squat right next to Daddy.

Mini Me?

Move down the bench.

Move down the bench.

There's a power struggle, yes.

Scotty's on fire.

All right, it's getting crowded in here.

Everyone out, everyone out. Come on.

Not you, Scotty. Not you, Number Two.

Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember.

Not you, guys back there.

Not you, Henchman Holding Wrench.

Not you, Henchman Arbitrarily Turning Knobs...

...Making It Seem Like You're Doing Something.

Oh, this is uncomfortable.

Heh, heh. The tiny one can't take a hint. Heh-heh-heh.

He doesn't understand. He is small, heh, heh.

Hello, Foxxy. Austin.

We've confirmed what Fat Bastard told you about Roboto is accurate.

He was hired by Dr. Evil to construct Preparation H.

So Roboto had the technology to build Goldmember's tractor beam.

Which means Roboto will lead us to Goldmember.

Which means Goldmember will lead us to my father.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. I thank you.

-You speak Japanese? -A little.

Well, you might be a cunning linguist, but I’m a master debater.

I’m looking for my father. He was kidnapped.

Please eat what?

Wait.

He said, "Please eat some shitake mushrooms."

Tell me...

...what do you know...

...about my father's where...

...abouts?

Mm.

"Your ass is happy"?

No.

He said, "Your assignment is an unhappy one."

Oh.

Nice potty mouth, dirtbag.

Oh.

Yes, quite off topic, thank you very much.

Why don't I just speak in English?

That would be a good idea, now, wouldn't it?

That way l wouldn't misread the subtitles...

...making it seem like you're saying things that are dirty.

I’m sorry to hear about your father, but l can't help you.

Please excuse me. l have another appointment.

By the way...

-Mr. Roboto is lying to us. -Tell me something l don't know.

-l open-mouth kissed a horse once. -Say what?

That's something you don't know.

My spider sense is telling me that my father's still in this building.

You keep a lookout. I’m gonna try and sneak in.


Mm.

Come on, come on, come on.

Judo chop!


Shazam!

Come on, sugar.

-There's Goldmember and Roboto. -Yes, very impressive.

Put Preparation H into my schtuppen transporten.

-What's this? -You need this to turn on the tractor beam.

It’s a gold key.

It’s gold.

Smarty-pants.

-Let's spread out. -Yeah.

Hands up, Goldmember. It’s payback time.

Sure, you can kill me...

...but then what happens to Austin Powers' father?

-Dad. -Yes.

And now he's going to have an unfortunate smelting accident.

-Hiya! -Unh!

Don't worry, Dad. I’m here to rescue you.

Ow! May l point out that last time around, you fell into an obvious trap.

Now you're trying to save me instead of stopping Goldmember.

Oh, please. I’m not gonna let Goldmember get away.

Austin, Goldmember's getting away.

Ah.

Hello, hello. Aren't you going to introduce us, Austin?

-Foxxy, this is-- -Powers. Nigel Powers.

-Is that Eau de Flores you're wearing? -Yes, it is.

That's how a woman should smell.

Especially one as beautiful as you.

My, my. Even in the face of danger, you live up to your reputation.

Get on with it.

I’ve got an idea.

Your spy car's a MINI?

It’s not the size, mate, it's how you use it.


l would've found my way off that.

Fellas. -What? I saved your life.

-You should've been doing your job. -Oh, you're welcome, man.

Shut up and turn around, please!


Run! It’s Godzilla!

It looks Like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, it's not.

Still, we should run Like it is Godzilla!

Though it isn't.

There's Goldmember.

Breaker, breaker, 1-niner.

This is Goldy-Wang. Over.

10-4, there, Goldy-Wang.

This is Rubber Ducky. What's your 10-20? Over.

I’ve got Preparation H in my rear and Smokey the Bear in my back door.

We've got us a convoy. Over.

Yee-haw! Copy that, you son of a bitch pile of monkey nuts.

Open wide there, Rubber Ducky.

I am entering your mouth now. Over.

Oh, great. Goldmember got away. -Now what? l think it's obvious. We should take Dr. Evil's lair by force.

-You can be my backup, son. -Backup?

Well, that's fairly condescending.

Do you think Dr. Evil's gonna expect an attack?

We should infiltrate his lair.

This ain't my first rodeo, cowboy.

We need commandos, scuba, gadgets, for God's sake.

Well, l don't like to use gadgets...

...outside the bedroom. I thank you.

Outside the bedroom.

You know, l think being frozen damaged your brain.

Really? And how would you know?

This is the most time that we've ever spent together since...

...ever.

-What are you saying, son? -Oh, please.

What boy learned to drive a car with machine guns on it?

Or had a helicopter you can fit in a knapsack?

What about your Swedish nanny, Helga?

Oh, yes. Helga.

Let's say I didn't hire her for the cooking.

-Ha-ha-ha. -Ha-ha-ha. Oh, yes.

She stayed on until you were 24.

We were mates, you and l. l didn't need a friend, I needed a father.

Do you know l risked my life trying to save you...

...and you still don't give me any respect.

Respect? Oh, come on. lf you've got an issue, here’s a tissue.

That is not funny.

Well, l suppose we better go our separate ways, then.

Fine.

So I've been assigned to welcome you to the Ministry of Defence. l have a letter from my director personally thanking you for switching sides.

l can't wait to inform Austin of your defection.

Oh, hello, Basil.

Yes, Austin should be here any second. Yes.

Yes, I'm in Austin’s hotel room right now. Mm-hm.

-Aah! -Oh-- Uh--

-Assassin! -Eek!

Try to kill me, will you?

Oh, you want to be friends, huh?

Wait a tick.

Peace?

Oh!

I’m not falling for that again.

But at least he didn't mention it.

Yes, I realize he can't talk.

Listen, l think Dr. Evil treated him badly and that's why he's decided to help us.

Come back here, you little bugger.

Got you.

Oh, yes, I’m sure Austin and Mini will get along famously.

No, l guarantee nothing will happen to Mini Me on my watch.

Come on, you bugger. Come on, I got you.

Oh, l think he and Austin will be united in their commitment to stopping Dr. Evil.

Austin, there you are. I’ve come to tell you the good news.

Mini Me has...

...switched sides.

Ah! Oh. Heh.

Sorry about that, old chap. Sorry. You know. Sorry.

Welcome aboard, heh-heh-heh.

-My "mole-stake." -What was that?

-Listen, just get it out of your system. -No, I’m fine.

-We could work together better if-- -It’s okay--

Mole! Bloody mole!

We're not supposed to talk about the mole, but there's a mole winking me in the face.

I’m gonna chop it off and cut it up and make some guacamole.

-Better? -Yeah. Yes.

So you've decided to join us, huh, Mini Me?

Welcome to the good side, my mini-brother.

And thank you for the map of Dr. Evil's sub.

What's this? It says:

"Dr. Evil's tractor beam is now complete. There's not much time.

Dr. Evil must pay."

"You are so beautiful. Are you a clone of an angel?"

That is so sweet. Well, no, my mini-man, I'm not.

"Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?"

Yeah, I'm sure.

"Would you like to?"

Horny bugger.

That is so not funny.

Okay, everyone, prepare to dive.

This spy car's also a submarine.

Get me the World Organization.

What is it, Dr. Evil?

Gentlemen, in a matter of hours...

...a meteor will crash into Earth, causing a global flood.

That is, of course, unless you pay me...

...one billion...

...million yen. l think you're bluffing.

Well, perhaps you'd like a demonstration. Number Two, the key, please.


Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing.

One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.

-Which one? -It's the one that looks like a pair of--

Melons. Big, juicy melons.

Are they nice and firm?

Well, what do you think?

Look at that. It looks like a set of giant--

-Hey, "A" and "N," you're late. -How we doing? We're back.

Go, Titans!

Check it out. Those remind me of--

-Boobs. -Boobs, Ozzy?

-These filmmakers are ****ing boobs. -What do you mean, Dad?

They're using the same ****ing joke as they did in the last Austin Powers movie.

-What ****ing joke? -You know, the ****ing joke...

...about the long smooth rocket that looks like some guy's--

-Johnson. -Yes, sir.

-Any sign of that satellite? -No, sir. It's gone.

Gentlemen, you have my demands. Peace out.


Cor, baby. You look very switched on.

Thank you, Austin.

Uh--

No, Mini Me. Off. Bad. Mustn't. No humping.

Dr. Evil, in light of the success of the device...

...it is Japanese custom that l receive a bonus.

A bonus? Ha-ha-ha. That's good.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Throw me a fricking bonus here. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, l haven't laughed that hard since l was a little girl. Thank you.

-Hmm. -Oh.

You're not joking.

No. In fact, if you don't give me the bonus--

Hey, Dad. -Hey, Scotty. How are you, sport?

Whoa!

-Why don't you let me take care of this? -Okay.

Ugh.

He's got a good evil laugh.

Get along.

Scotty!

Scotty.

Take it down a notch.

It’s creeping a bit.

Let's go.

We'll need a disguise.

There's only one uniform.

One of us has to go on the other one's shoulders.

Hey there, buddy. How's it going? Good to see you.

Yeah. Yeah. Hi.

How are you? Just getting my sea legs. Sorry about that.

Hello. You all right?

Yes, it's a good hat. Very good hat.

Come on, Mini Me. Let's go.

Hold it right there, mister.

Did you really think you could get away with this? l did, actually. Yes.

Every new recruit must have a physical.

Now get in here, sailor.

I’m going to need a urine sampIe.

Okay.

No. -I don't know.

Okay, then. Um....

Okay.

Hello.

And here we go.

Sorry.

Right. There you go. Right.

Ah, yes. -Terrific.

Yes, good. Okay.

All right, sailor, go behind that screen...

...and strip down to your skivvies.

All right, then. I’ll just go to that screen...

...which is over there.

Right behind that screen.

Next.

Come on, hurry. The map.

Okay, what's our plan?

-I’m going to need a urine sample. -Okay.

Which way to the main chamber?

Okay, so.... Oh, sure.

Oh.

-Excuse me, doctor? -It’s difficult in public, isn't it?

Mini Me, our shadows. We're casting a shadow.

What's wrong, sailor?

You should check that guy out.

What the hell's going on here?

Hands up.

You heard me. l said, hands up. Both of you.

Oh.

-Come with me. -Mini Me, the map. Go.

Okay. You got me.

Are you all right, little man?

Uh-huh.

Right on.

Mr. Powers.

Before l kill you...

...perhaps you'd like to see the genius of my plan.

Key, please.

What the--? Who? But how? Where? Huh?

-Looking for this? -Huh?

-Mini Me? -All right...

...everybody drop your guns, because Foxxy Cleopatra's in the sub.

Smashing, Foxxy. Yeah.

Unh! -Here, sugar.

All right, Dr. Evil.

It’s finally come down to this.

You, me and a gun.

What are you going to do now, Austin?

Dad?

What are you doing here?

I’ve gotta finish this off once and for all.

I’m afraid you can't do that. l have to protect my son.

Dad, I’m fine.

I’m not talking about you.

I’m talking about him.

What?

Dr. Evil's not your son, l am.

-You both are. -Huh?!

What?

It was our first family holiday together.

Just as I was finishing a case...

...your mother brought the two of you to Belgium.

I stopped to have a tinkle when the car....

But my parents died in a car accident.

It was no accident.

It was an assassination attempt.

I thought only Austin survived.

I should have told you the truth earlier...

...but those Belgians, they made you so damn...

...evil.

And, of course, they share a border with the Dutch.

Very interesting story, Mr. Powers.

Of course, I’m gonna have to wait until l see all the facts.

Daddy.

Shh, Daddy's here, Dougie.

-Shh. -Uh, "Dougie"?

-Dougie? -Dougie. Remember, Dougie?

Dad, what's going on?

What are you going to do, Austin?

-Austin. -Hmm?

Are you sure you can trust Dr. Evil?

He ain't heavy...

...he's my brother, baby. Yeah.

l should have told you this so long ago, son.

-I’m very proud of you. -Unh!

-Can you forgive me? -l forgive you, Dad.

Come on.

Yes.

My two sons.

I’m Dougie. I’m Dougie.

Come on.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, come on. l mean, first I’m not evil enough for you.

And now you're gonna turn good?

Listen, Scott.

You can spend your whole life...

...trying to win your parents' acceptance, believe me.

But at the end of the day, you've just gotta do it for yourself, baby.

That all I’ve gotta do?

Hey, Austin? Shh!

What? l hate you. l hate you. I hate you. l don't even know you, but l hate you too.

And l especially hate you.

You'll pay.

You'll all pay.

I'd like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl.

Not so fast, smarty-pants.

Dr. Evil...

...you might not want to destroy the world, but l do.

Preparation H goes ahead as planned.

I’m going to flood the Earth.

Think again, Goldmember.

Ah, Foxxy Cleopatra.

It’s a shame l had to kill your partner. Too bad for you.

Too bad for me? How about too bad for you?

Oh, no.

No! No! No!

No....

Luckily, I keep a spare.

Look, everyone.

My winkie was a key.

Only a bloody Dutchman.

-Ha-ha-ha. -You mine, sucker.

Yes.

Foxxy, I’m coming.

Nobody try anything stupid or the shooting begins.

Austin. Take Dougie. I’ll stay here and be your backup.

-Dougie, what do we do? -I’m not a real "hands-on evil genius."

Think. You were always the smart one.

Uh, l could reroute the output capacitor to the tractor beam...

...from one of the conduit boxes up there.

Come on, let's go.

Yes. The shooting begins.

Let me shoot.

You know, Dr. Evil...

-...l used to think you were crazy. -l know.

But now l can see you're nuts. l thank you.

Give me the gun.

Ow!

Hurry.

Father. Father. Father. -Ow!

Father, can you hear me?

Father. Father.

Wow!

Well done, Austin. He saved the world again.

Hey, yeah.

Thank you.

Right on.

-Austin, you did it. -We did it.

Yeah, baby.

No? Just trying it on.

Goldmember?

You under arrest, sugar.

Hey, assholes.

Do l have time for a last smoke and a pancake, or what?

I am from Holland. Isn't that weird?

Yeah.

Yes, well done.

Good on you, man.

Thank you.

Yes.

Hey, Powers.

Fat Bastard? But you're not fat anymore. l went on the Subway diet. You know, just like Jared.

I've lost 180 pounds.

Congratulations, baby.

Thank you. l do have a little bit of excess skin, though.

Bit of a problem here, yeah.

And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.

Austin! Austin! -Over here.

Congratulations. -Thank you.

Austin, you the boss! -You all right?

Loved it! -Okay.

Austin...

...thank you for everything.

Shazam.

I’m gonna get you, Austin Powers.


Well, they're using the same ****ing joke...

...as they did in the last Austin Powers film-- Movie-- What was it?

Well, they're using the-- Well--

Well, they're using the same joke that they did-- Oh.

What do l mean? -Ha-ha-ha.

-Boobs, Ozzy. -Stop, do that again.

You're starting to laugh.

Oh, don't start, Kelly, or I'll put you back in the refrigerator.

One more.

-l don't like that. -A little serious.

Don't make that noise, Sharon. I’m getting turned on.

My testosterone is going dancing.

Get off me.

Is--? Is it true what they say about you?

Kickstand. Really?

Um, can I give you my cell phone number?

Please?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.