Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) Script

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair.

I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.

And yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers.

That makes me angry.

And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.

And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...

...people die!

Why must I be surrounded by fricking idiots?

Mustafa, Frau Farbissina.

I spared your lives because I need you to help me...

...rid the world of Britain's top secret agent.

The only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers.

Yeah. Oh! It's Austin.


Oh, it's Austin.

Come on, babies. Work with me, people. All right.

Show me love.

Great, baby, yeah.

Oh, behave.

It's Austin Powers!

Yeah.

It's Austin Powers! Aah! Oh, my God!


Hllo, Mrs. Kensington. Hello, Austin.

Why don't you ever model for me, Mrs. Kensington?

You know how Mr. Kensington feels about that.

Oh, behave.

Yeah. Yeah, baby, yeah.

Hello, Austin. I'm Basil Exposition, With British Intelligence.

We have just received word that Dr. Evil is planning a trap for you tonight...

...at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club...

...here in swinging London.

We'll be there.

Yeah, come on, baby.

There you go. Come on swingers, yeah. Yeah.

Austin, it's a swinging shindig.

It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out.

Yeah, man!

Can I get you a drink, Mr. Powers? Sure.

Austin, we've got to look for Dr. Evil.

Wait, I've got an idea.

Austin, why on Earth did you hit that woman?

Right. Let me show you, baby.

That ain't no woman. It's a man, man.

It's one of Dr. Evil's assassins.

Look out, he's got a knife!

Good Work, Mrs. Kensington. All right, get up. Get up!

Right. Where's Dr. Evil, huh? Where is he?

There's the bastard.

Come on, let's go. Excuse me, coming through.

Excuse me.

I've got you now, Dr. Evil. Not this time.

Come, Mr. Bigglesworth. See you in the future, Mr. Powers.

My God, he's freezing himself.

Oh, my God, look!

And so Dr. Evil escaped and had himself cryogenically frozen...

...to return at a time when free love no longer reigned...

...and greed and corruption ruled again.

Yes?

Commander Gilmour? Speaking.

Commander, this is Ritter in SoWest Com Three.

We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle.

What are you saying, son?

Well, it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy.

Good God, he's back.

Well, in many ways, the Big Boy never leff, sir.

He's always offered the same high-quality meals at competitive prices.

Shut up. Shall I scramble TacHO for an intercept?

What's its current position? Well, I'm presently tracking it over Nevada.

Oh, my God. The Big Boy's gone.

Listen, son, I want you to forget what you saW here today.

Philips.

Call the President. Yes, sir.

Prepare the jet. Bring my overnight bag.

And, uh, Philips, feed my fish. Not too much.

I'm off to London, England.

Powers volunteered to have himself frozen...

...in case Dr. Evil should ever return.

Well, I hope your boy's up to it.

We don't Wanna have to bail you guys out again, like after WWII.

This is our celebrity vault.

Please. Who is this Austin Powers?

The ultimate gentlemen spy.

Irresistible to women, deadly to his enemies.

A legend in his own time.

Attention: Stage One. Laser cutting beginning.

Laser cutting complete.

Stage Two: Warm liquid goo phase beginning.

Warm liquid goo phase complete.

Stage Three: Reanimation beginning.

Reanimation complete.

Stage Four: Cleansing beginning.

Cleansing complete.


Stage Five: Evacuation beginning.


Evacuation com...

Evacuation com...

Com... Com...

Evacuation com...

I don't want Smarties, I want a Mars bar, Mommy.

Wh...? Where am I?

You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1997.

You've been cryogenically frozen for 30 years.

Who are these people?!

The shouting is a temporary side effect of the unfreezing process.

Yes, I'm having difficulty controlling the volume of my voice!

This is Commander Gilmour, U.S. Strategic Command...

...and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence.

Russian Intelligence, are you mad?

A lot's happened since you were frozen. The Cold War's over.

Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh?

Hey, Comrades? Hey? Austin, we won.

Oh, groovy. Smashing. Yea, capitalism.

Hello. Hello.

Mr. Powers! The President's quite concerned.

We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.

Dr. Evil. When do I begin?

Immediately. You'll be working with Ms. Kensington.

Mrs. Kensington.

Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long since retired.

Ms. Kensington is her daughter.

Ah, here she is.

Vanessa is one of our top agents.

My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body. I'll bet she shags like a minx.

How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process...

...I have no inner monologue?

I hope I didn't say that out loud just noW.

Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the '90s.

You know, a lot's changed since 1967.

No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex...

...with many anonymous partners without protection...

...while at the same time experimenting With mind-expanding drugs...

...in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound.

Danger Powers' personal effects. Actually, my name is Austin Powers.

It says here, "Name: Danger Powers." No, no, no.

Danger's my middle name.

Okay, Austin Danger Powers:

One blue crushed-velvet suit. Hey, all right.

One frilly lace cravat. There it is.

One silver medallion with male symbol.

One pair of Italian boots. Buongiorno, boys.

One vinyl record album: Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits.

Hey, Burt. How are you? One Swedish-made penis-enlarger pump.

That's not mine.

One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis-enlarger...

...signed by Austin Powers.

I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.

One warranty card for Swedish-made penis-enlarger pump...

...filled out by Austin Powers.

I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me:

This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.

Just sign the form. Okay, don't get heavy, man. I'll sign.

You know, just to get things moving, you know.

You all right, baby?

Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forWard to Working With you...

...but do me a favor and stop calling me baby.

You can address me as Agent Kensington. Oh, come on.

All right, then. Vanessa. Was that so hard?

Now, come along. We have to leave immediately.

We've preserved your private jet just as you left it.

It's waiting at Heathrow Airport. My jumbo jet? Smashing, baby.

Ooh, sorry.

Mr. Powers.

Quickly. Quickly, come on, noW. Let's go.

Gentiemen, welcome to my underground lair.

It's been 30 years, but I'm back.

Everything's gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw.

Due to a technical error by my henchman, Mustafa...

...complications arose in the unfreezing process.

My design Was perfect. Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!

But, Dr. Evil, we were unable to anticipate feline complications...

...due to the reanimation process.

Silence!

Let this be a reminder to you all...

...that this organization will not tolerate failure.

Gentlemen, let's get down to business.

We've got a lot of work to do. Someone help me.

I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

Some of you I know. Some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

Aah. Hello up there. Anyone?

Could someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.

Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet...

Excuse me.

Yes, he's down there. Is he dead yet?

No, not dead. No, burnt, badly.

Should I take care of him, possibly with a gun?

Yes. Kill him?

Right.

If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here...

...I could get out. See, I designed this device myself.

Oh, hi. Good. I'm glad you found me.

Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just...

You shot me! Okay, moving on.

You shot me right in the arm! Why did...?

Right. Let me go around the table and introduce everyone.

Frau Farbissina, founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.

Random Task, Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire.

Random Task, show them what you do.

Patty O'Brien, ex-Irish assassin.

His trademark, a superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake...

...from his good-luck bracelet on every victim he kills.

Scotland Yard Would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

Yeah, they're alWays after me lucky charms.

What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that?

They are after me lucky charms.

What?

It's a television commercial, with this cartoon leprechaun.

And all of these children are trying to chase him.

"Hey, leprechaun man, leprechaun man. We want to get your lucky charms."

Ha, ha. Oh, and there's all of these little tiny bits of marshmalloWs...

...just stuck right in the cereal, so that When the kids eat them, they think:

"Oh, this is candy. I'm having fun."

Finally we come to my number-two man. His name?

Number TWo.

For 30 years, Number Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire.

Dr. Evil, over the last 30 years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds.

About 15 years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals...

...to the communications industry.

We own cable companies in 38 states.

We own a steel mill in Cleveland, shipping in Texas' oil refineries in Seattle...

...and a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.

Naturally, yes.

Gentlemen.

I have a plan.

It's called blackmail.

As you know, the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world.

Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money...

...or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage...

...and therefore, would have to divorce.

Prince Charles did have an affair, he admitted it, and they are noW divorced.

Right. Okay, you have to tell me these things.

All right? I've been frozen for 30 years, okay?

Throw me a fricking bone here. I'm the boss. Need the info.

Okay, no problem. Here's my second plan.

Back in the '60s, I developed a weather-changing machine...

...which was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam...

...which we called a "laser."

Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the world...

...which we call the "ozone layer."

Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in...

...increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless...

...the world pays us a hefty ransom?

That also already has happened.

Shit.

Oh, hell, let's just do what We alWays do:

Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage, yeah? Good.

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention...

...that a breakaway Russian republic, Kreplachistan, is about to transfer...

...a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan.

We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for...

...$1 million.

Well, don't you think We should, maybe, ask for more than a million dollars?

A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days.

Virtucon alone makes over $9 billion a year.

Really? That's a lot of money.

Okay, then. We hold the World ransom for...

...$100 billion.

Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh?

When you see this jet a-rocking don't come a-knocking, baby, yeah.

I'm gonna need you to sign these release forms.

Release forms? You're not officially...

...working for the Ministry of Defense. These forms indemnify the Ministry...

...against any, um, mishaps that may occur in the line of duty.

Mishaps? But isn't that what being an international man of mystery is all about?

Okay, name: Austin Danger Powers.

Sex: Yes, please.

How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense?

Oh, well, I went to Oxford where I excelled in several subjects...

...but I ended up specializing in foreign languages.

You know, I really wanted to travel. You know, sort of see the World.

That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't We go in the back and shag?

What? I've been frozen for 30 years.

I've gotta see if my bits and pieces are still working.

Excuse me? My Wedding tackle.

I'm sorry. My meat and two veg.

My twig and berries.

Hello, lads, are you still awake? Mr. Powers, Mr. Powers, please.

I'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on our mission...

...and give your libido a rest.

Can I, uh...?

Can I show you something?

I won't bite, hard.

All right.

Let me ask you a question, and be honest.

Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do I?

God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.

Oh, turbulence. Oh, look at that.

Oh, turbulence. Oh, I fell over.

Oh, I fell over again. Get off me.

Mr. Powers!

I will never have sex With you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth...

...and I was the last Woman on Earth, and the future of the human race...

...depended on our having sex simply for procreation...

...I still would not have sex With you.

What's your point, Vanessa?

Yeah.

Remember when We froze your semen?

You said if it didn't look like you were coming back...

...we should try to make you a son...

...so that a part of you could live forever? Oh, sure.

Well, after a couple of years, we got a little impatient.

Dr. Evil, I Want you to meet your son.

My son?

Scott!

Hello, Scott. Hi.

I'm your father, Dr. Evil.

I haven't seen you my whole life.

And noW you come back and just expect a relationship?

Pfft. I hate you.

What?

Can I have a hug? No.

Give me a hug. No way.

Come here. I'm not.

Let's go. Forget it.

Pronto. What are you doing?

I'm with it. I'm hip.

Well, don't look at me like I'm fricking Frankenstein. Give your father a hug.

You're... Hey. Don't touch me. Come on. Hug. Hug.

Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho. Hug.

Viva Las Vegas, baby! Yeah!

Yeah. Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.

So which side of the bed do you Want? You're sleeping on the sofa, Mr. Powers.

In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity...

...to remind you the only reason We're sharing a room...

...is to keep up the context that we're a married couple on vacation.

Right. Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?

How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first?

You know, top and tails? Whore's bath. Personally, before I'm on the job...

...I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a hoW's your father.

I'm just joking, Vanessa.

I'm just trying to get a rise out of you, that's all. For shits and giggles.

Let's unpack.

Gor blimey. Nerd alert.

How did this get in here?

Somebody's playing a prank on me. Honestly, it's not mine.

Hey, Americans. Yeah. Enjoy that wine.

Hey, there you are.

Do I know you? No. But that's Where you are, you're there.

Hey, viva Las Vegas, baby. Hey, how are you?

Okay, Austin? Yes.

Austin. There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon...

...which we think may be linked to Dr. Evil.

Plenty of the Virtucon executives are gambling in this casino.

Smashing. Let's go. Look. There's one over there.

Changing a thousand.

Hello. Excuse me.

Do you mind if I join you? Not at all.

Game is blackjack, gentlemen.

Ten thousand dollars minimum bet.

King for you, sir. And a three for you.

Seventeen.

Hit me. You have 17, sir.

I like to live dangerously.

Four. Twenty-one.

Nice. Nice. Nice.

Well-played.

Five.

I'll stay.

I suggest you hit, sir.

I also like to live dangerously. As you Wish, sir.

Twenty beats your five. I'm sorry, sir.

Well, I won't lie to you. Cards are not my bag, baby.

Allow myself to introduce... myself.

My name is Richie Cunningham. And this is my wife, Oprah.

My name is Number Two.

This is my Italian confidential secretary. Her name is Alotta. Alotta Fagina.

Come again? Alotta Fagina.

I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. It sounded like you said your name was a lot of...

Never mind.

What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two? That's my business.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room.

You keep your eye on the Italian bird.

We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite. Okay.

Anything else? No.

You didn't happen to see anything at all?

Sorry.

Howdy.

That is one crazy getup you got there, fella.

Oh, thank you.

Are you in the show? Uh, no, actually. I'm English.

Ooh. I'm sorry. Right.

Hey, partner. Have a good one. Ah. Okay.


Hey, partner. Come on, you gotta relax. Don't force it.

Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lung.

Who does Number Two work for?

That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's boss.

Hey. Hey, just grab a hold of something, bite your lip and give it hell.

Come on, we're gonna get through this.

Hey, that sounds pretty nasty. How about a courtesy flush over there?

Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?

Gentlemen, the warhead is ours.

Patch me through to the United Nations Security Secret Meeting Room.

Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.

In a little while, you'll notice that the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing.

If you want it back, you're going to have to pay me...

...$1 million.

Sorry.

One hundred billion dollars.

Gentlemen, silence.

Now, Mr. Evil... Dr. Evil.

I didn't spend six years in evil medical school...

...to be called mister, thank you very much.

It is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists.

Really? So long.

Gentlemen, in exactly five days...

...we will be $100 billion richer.


Hello? Mummy?

Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin? He's asleep.

You didn't. No. I made him sleep on the sofa.

Vanessa, I'm proud of you. Why?

Because you've managed to resist Austin Powers' charms.

Ha, ha. God knows he tried, Mummy.

I actually had to end up being rather firm with him.

What about his teeth? It's really bizarre.

Darling, you have to understand, in Britain in the '60s...

...you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.

Did you ever...?

Me? No, of course not. I was married to your father.

Did you ever Want to? Austin is very charming, very debonair.

He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines.

Women want him and men want to be him.

Every bit an international man of mystery.

Yeah, you didn't answer my question, Mummy.

I know.

Let me just say this.

Austin was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had.

I will always love him.

Do you Wanna speak to him? No, it's been too long.

Okay, well, I'm gonna have to go, Mummy. But I love you.

Ciao, darling.

A limo's just pulled up. Let me see.

That's Dr. Evil's cat.

HoW can you tell? I never forget a pussy... cat.

Oh, no. He's gone away.

My God, Vanessa. You are so incredibly beautiful.

Oh. That's it.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Come on, darling.

I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.


Oh, yeah. Get on with it.

I'm gonna do it. Do you want me? Unh! Oh, go on.

Do you Want me to do it? Okay. Yes, go on.

Right hand, green. Oh, no!

You all right? You all right?

Oh, you know what? Wait a tick, I forgot something in the lobby.

Why don't I take the stairs?

Why take the stairs when I could take the escalator?

Why take the escalator when I've got a perfectly good canoe?

I know What. I'll take the elevator.

Austin. Yes.

Come and have some champagne With me. Okay.

Oh, I tripped.

You know, I haven't had this much fun since college.

Well, I'm sorry.

Why? I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.

Always wanting to have fun, Austin. That's you in a nutshell.

No, this is me in a nutshell.

Help. I'm in a nutshell. How did I get into this nutshell?

Look at the size of this bloody, great, big nutshell.

What sort of shell has a nut like this? I mean, this is crazy.

Yes. Look at you.

You're smashed. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one.

I'm always the designated driver.

Kiss me. I can't, darling.

Why not? Because you're drunk. It's not right.

No, I'm not drunk. I'm beginning to see...

...what my mummy was talking about all those years ago.

I can't.

All right, well, tell me all about my mummy in the '60s.

I'm dying to know what she was like.

She was very groovy.

Your dad loved her very much.

If there Was one other cat in this world that could've loved her...

...and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me.

But unfortunately for yours truly...

...that train has sailed.

Vanessa? Vanessa? Hello?

Come on. Roll over. Sleepy time.

Okay, Austin needs his hand back.

You've got mail.

Hello, Austin, this is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence.

Now, I want you to find out what part Virtucon plays...

...in something called Project Vulcan.

I'll need you to go to Alotta Fagina's penthouse immediately.


Hello, hello.

Smashing. Love it. Okay. Yes, yes. Okay, great.

Project Vulcan. Yeah, okay. Cheeky, huh? Yeah.

Come on, baby. Give it to me. Yes. Yes. Yes. No! No!

You seem surprised to see me, Miss Fagina.

What do you want, Mr. Cunningham' was it?

Your boss, Number Two.

I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills.

How did you know?

I didn't, baby. You just told me.

We can talk about business later.

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

Oh, behave.

Good God.

Me?

Come in and I'll show you everything you need to know.


Come on.

May I wash you? Oh, groovy, baby. Yeah.

Mm, yes. That feels yummy.

In Japan, men come first and women come second.

Or sometimes not at all.

Care for some sake? Sake it to me, baby.

Yes. Kinky. Clinky.

How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?

Mm. I feel extreme relaxation.

How dare you break wind before me.

I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know it was your turn.

Pardon me for being rude It was not me, it was my food It just popped up to say hello And now it's gone back down below That's beautiful. Thank you.

Let's make love, you silly, hairy little man.

I say. Hello, vicar.

Oh, there. That's the spot, all right. That's the spot right there.

Look at that now. Ha, ha. Good God.

Austin Powers is getting too close. Any suggestions?

I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers.

Bring in the Fembots!

Go, Fembots!

These are the latest word in android-replicant technology.

Lethal, efficient, brutal. No man can resist their charm.

Send in the guards!

Kill these women.


Ouite impressive. Thank you, Herr Doctor.

I like to see girls of that "caliber."

By caliber, of course I mean both the size of their gun barrels...

...and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings, caliber. It's a homonym.

Forget it.

At ease, boys.

Austin, I Want to show you something. We're going to outfit you With this.

It looks like a watch, but in fact it's a geosynchronous positioning device.

Very shagadelic.

And then there's this. Okay, let me guess.

The floss is garrote Wire, the toothpaste is plastic explosives...

...and the toothbrush is the detonation device.

No, actually.

Since you've been frozen, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Oh, look, here's Basil.

Hello, Exposition. Austin.

Let me bring you up to speed.

Dr. Evil has hijacked a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan.

Only two things scare me...

...and one is nuclear war.

What's the other? Excuse me?

What's the other thing that scares you?

Carnies. What?

Circus folk. Nomads, you know.

They smell like cabbage.

Small hands.

Oh. Indeed. Perhaps these photographs...

...are the last piece of the puzzle.

I've uncovered the details of Project Vulcan.

Oh, good God, an underground missile?

Austin, where did you find these?

Austin did some reconnaissance work last night at Alotta Fagina's penthouse.

Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. What?

Any ideas?

Oh, yes.

Virtucon runs a tour of its facility every hour.

I thought perhaps we could disguise ourselves as tourists...

...and do some on-site reconnaissance.

Top-drawer, Kensington.

Oh, uh, Austin, I'd like you to meet somebody.

This is my mother, Mrs. Exposition.

How do you do?

My God, man, what have you done?

That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!

Yeah, yeah, come off. No!

Why won't this wig come off? My head!

Help! Austin!

Yeah, hold on, hold on, one second. No, no, let go of my mother!

Oh, mother. Mother, are you all right?

What? Austin, have you gone mad?

No.

You have a lot of explaining to do.

I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was a man.

Damn it, man! You're talking about my mother!

You have to admit, she is rather mannish. Austin.

Well, no offense, but if that is a woman...

...it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick.

What? Really, Austin.

Okay, give in to the beauty of your feelings and say the Words. Come on.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too son.

That's a breakthrough. Breakthrough.

Okay, group, we have some newcomers here today with us.

Say hello to Scott and his father, Mr...

"Avil"? Evil, actually.

Dr. Evil.

Hello, Dr. Evil. Hello, Scott.

Hello, everybody.

So, Scott, why don't we start with you.

What brings you here With us today?

Well, I just really met my Dad for the first time five days ago.

I was partially frozen his whole life.

That is beautiful that you can admit to that.

He comes back and now he Wants me to take over the family business.

But Scott, who's gonna take over the world when I die?

Listen to the words he used: "Who's going to take over the world when I die?"

It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it?

So, What do you Want to do, Scott?

I don't knoW. I was thinking I like animals...

...maybe I'd be a vet. An evil vet?

No. Maybe, like, Work in a petting zoo.

An evil petting zoo?

You alWays do that! Wha...? I...

I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Now, Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here...

...we might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't.

Actually, the boy's quite astute. I really am trying to kill him.

But so far unsuccessfully.

He's quite wily, like his old man.

This is what I'm talking about.

Okay, well...

...we've heard from you, Scott...

...now, uh, you tell us a little about yourself.

The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

Oh, no, please, please. Let's hear about your childhood.

Yeah. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Please.

Very well, where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner...

...from Belgium With low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.

My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute...

...named Chloe with webbed feet.

My father would womanize, he would drink...

...he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark.

Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy.

The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess...

...and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical.

Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons.

In the spring we'd make meat helmets.

When I was insolent, I Was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds.

Pretty standard, really.

At the age of 12 I received my first scribe.

At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma...

...ritualistically shaved my testicles.

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum.

It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

You know, we have to stop.

Can I have a word with you? Of course you may, love.

Look, I know I'm being neurotic...

...but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary...

...you know, Ms. Fagina.

I don't want to sound paranoid...

...but I've had some bad relationships in the past...

...and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.

No, don't be sorry, baby.

You're right to be suspicious.

I shagged her. What?

I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah.

I don't believe you, Austin. I mean, she was repellent.

Saucer of milk, table two. Rwar.

Well, did you use protection? Of course.

I had my 9 mm automatic.

You know I meant did you use a condom?

No.

Only sailors use condoms, baby.

Not in the '90s, Austin.

Well, they should, those filthy beggars, they go from port to port.

Well, Vanessa, don't have a thrombo.

Alotta meant nothing to me. Well, it means something to me.

If you want us to have a relationship...

...you have to get it into your head that times have changed.

You can't just go off shagging anybody anymore.

And if you could, I wouldn't because I'm not like that.

Vanessa.

You're everything to me.

You just don't get it, do you?

Good night, Austin.

Welcome to the '90s...

...you're gonna be very lonely.


Hey. Hey, check this guy out.

Peace. Peace. Peace.

Jimi Hendrix, deceased.

Drugs.

Janis Joplin...

...deceased, alcohol.

Mama Cass, deceased...

...ham sandwich.


Oh, jeez, that's great. Is the lighting halfway decent?

Yes, indeed. They've got the flag up now.? Ou can see the stars and stripes.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

Good morning, Austin.

You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 30 years.

The fall of the Berlin Wall...

...the first female British prime minister...

...end of apartheid.

Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay.

I mean, Women loved him. I didn't see that one coming, no.

The tour is about to begin. So if you please take your seats.

Welcome to Virtucon, the company of the future.

Virtucon is a leading manufacturer of many items...

...you can find right in your very own home.

Do you think she's prettier than me?

Who? You know who.

Oh, the Italian bird.

No, baby, she's rancid.

I think you're shagadelic, baby. You're switched-on. You're smashing.

We make steel, petroleum products and volatile chemicals.

But don't worry about the Italian bird, okay?

She's the village bicycle, everyone's had a ride.

You're using a Virtucon product.

On your right, you'll notice a door leading to a restricted area.

Only authorized personnel are alloWed. I'll take him.

You take her.

Let's go.

It's Bolton. We've got a problem.

Intruders in the compound.

Aah! Watch out!

Security, this way. Where did he go?

Judo chop.

They're coming.

Hang on, I'm gonna floor it.

Watch out. Move! Move! Move!

Careful, Austin.

No!

Watch out. No!

Watch out. No!

Let's go. Come on, let's go.

Oh, thank goodness we made it, Austin.

All right, stay very cool, baby. Okay.


Mr. Powers.

Welcome to my underground lair.

You're just in time.

Enjoy the show.

Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan.

The world's most powerful subterranean drill.

Does that make you horny? Not now, Austin.

So powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust...

...delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead...

...deep into the liquid hot core of the planet.

Upon detonation, every volcano on Earth...

...will erupt.

It seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom.

You have my instructions. Bye-bye.

Check it out, Butt-Head, this chick has three boobs.

How many butts does she have?

Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers?

I designed them myself.

Scott. Scott, my boy, how are you?

How Was your day?

Well, my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade...

...and they don't speak English, so Jay got into a fight...

...and he's all, "Quit hassling me because I don't speak French."

And the guy says something in Paris talk and I'm like, "Just back off."

And they're all, "Get out." And we're like, "Make me."

It was cool.

Fascinating.

What are your plans for this evening?

I thought I'd stay in. There's a good titty movie on Skinemax.

And that's how you'd like to live your life, is it?

Yeah.

Pretty much. Yeah, okay. What?

Scott...

...I Want you to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

What are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

No, Scott. I have an even better idea.

I'm going to place him in an easily-escapable situation...

...involving an overly-elaborate and exotic death.

Why don't you just shoot him now?

I mean, I'll go get a gun. We'll shoot him together. It'll be fun:

Bang! Dead. Done.

One more peep out of you and you are grounded, mister, and I am not joking.

All right, let's begin.

Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?

No, Mr. Powers...

...I expect them to die.

Even after they pay me the money...

...I'm still gonna melt every city on the planet with liquid-hot magma.

Release the sharks.

Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks...

...have laser beams attached to their heads.

I figure every creature deserves a Warm meal.

Dr. Evil...

...it's about the sharks.

When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list.

We tried to get some, but it would have taken months to clear up the red tape.

You know, I have one simple request.

And that is to have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads.

Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done.

Uh, can you remind me what I pay you people for?

Honestly, throw me a bone here.

What do we have?

Sea bass.

Right.

They are mutated sea bass.

Really?

Are they ill-tempered?

Absolutely. Well, that's a start. That's something.

All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.

Close the tank!

Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.

No, no, no, I'm going to leave them alone...

...and not actually witness them dying.

I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

I have a gun in my room. You give me five seconds, I'll get it...

...I'll come back down here, boom, I'll blow their brains out.

Scott...

...you just don't get it, do you?

You don't.

It's no hassle.

But... I'm...

All I'm saying...

They're gonna get aw... I...

I'm... We...

We... Shh. Knock, knock?

Who's there?

Look... Shh! Let me tell you a story...

...about a man named Shh.

Shh! Even before you start.

That was a preemptive "shh."

Just know I have a whole bag of "shh" with your name on it.

What's your plan?

First, I plan to soil myself.

Then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan.

Any thoughts?

Wait a minute.

I always have this with me just in case.

Okay, I get it. I have bad teeth.

No, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge.

All right, hold on.

Got it. Okay. Toothpaste.

Hello.

Judo chop!

Hang on.

Judo trip.

No!

Not a good time to lose one's head.

Indeed.

That's not the way to get ahead in life.

No.

It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.

He'll never be the head of a major corporation.

Okay, that'll do. Okay.

No. What are we gonna do?

Oh, look, there's an emergency exit. Go get help, I'm gonna stay here...

...and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.

Okay, I'll hurry back.

Listen, Vanessa.

Whatever happens...

...I Want you to know that I feel really bad...

...about that Italian bird.

What I'm trying to say is...

...that if you want me to be a one-woman man...

...well, that's just groovy, baby.

Behave.


Come, everyone...

...let us repair to the main chamber.

Project Vulcan is about to begin.

Scott, don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?

BloW me. Excuse me?

Show me.

Okay.

Position the Vulcan.

Bring in the warhead.


Hello, hello.

Hello, Mr. Powers. Hello, Mr. Powers.

Care to have a little fun? Care to have a little fun?

No, actually, I, uh...

I have to save the World.

Is it cold in here? Heh.

Arm the probe.

Yes.

No! No. No. I've got to get Dr. Evil.

I've got to get Dr. Evil.

No. No. No. Uh, baseball.

Uh, cold showers.

Baseball. Cold showers...

Give it up, Mr. Powers.

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

Gentlemen.

Let's lock and load.

Right, lads. All right, hup, hup.

Don't go. Please don't go.

Stay. Don't go.

You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

Au contraire, baby.

I think you can't resist me.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.


Austin?

Vanessa.

It... It's not what it seems.

At ease, boys. Likewise.

Vanessa, I can explain. See, What happened was, uh, I broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil.

Then the Fembots came by and smoke started to come out of their jubblies.

So I thought I'd work my mojo, right, to counter their mojo.

We got "cross-mojonations" and their heads started to explode. You know...

...that thing and I ended up in my knickers here and then...

Okay, Austin, I believe you.

Now, get dressed. Smashing, baby.

OnWard, boys.

Launching the subterranean probe.

Begin initial surface penetration.

Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting.

Watch out!

Fight back!

Subterranean nuclear detonation...

...in three minutes and counting.

I tripped.

Open the fricking door.

World destruction, beginning in...

Judo. Judo. 10, nine...

...eight, seven, six...

...five, four, three...

...tWo, one...

No!

Abort. Abort.

Abort. Abort. Hurray!

Abort. Abort.

Now to Dr. Evil.

Din-din.

I want chicken I want liver Meow Mix, Meow Mix Please deliVer I've got you now, Dr. Evil.

Well done, Mr. Powers.

We're not so different, you and I.

However, isn't it ironic that the very things that you stand for...

...free love, swinging' parties, are all now in the '90s...

...considered to be...

...evil?

No, man, what We swingers were rebelling against...

...is uptight squares like you...

...whose bag was money and world domination.

We were innocent, man.

If we had known the consequences of our sexual liberation...

...we would have done things differently, but the spirit would've remained the same.

It's freedom, baby, yeah.

Face it. Freedom failed.

No, man, freedom didn't fail.

Right now, We've got freedom and responsibility.

It's a very groovy time.

There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

All right, baldy, shut your cakehole. Come on, let's go, on your bike.

Not so fast.

It seems the tables have turned, Mr. Powers.

Go ahead, Austin. Don't worry about me. Hey, I can take my Sega, right, Dad?

It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.

Not really. Kill the little bastard, see what I care.

But Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.

I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent.

I hate you. I hate you.

I wish I was never artificially created in a lab.

Oh, Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly.

Number TWo, your timing is impeccable.

Go ahead, take Mr. Powers away.

No.

What? Dr. Evil...

...I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire...

...into a world-class multinational.

I was going to have a cover story in Forbes.

But you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world.

And you don't realize there is no World anymore.

It's only corporations.

Silence, Number Two. No.

I've had enough of you pushing me around.

Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting.

All right, I've had enough.

Judo chop.

The complex will self-destruct.

Let's split. Let's go.

This place is gonna blow.

The complex will self-destruct.

Go!

Come on, let's go.

The complex will self-destruct.

This Way, Austin. Come on, baby...

...it's gonna bloW, let's go.

Move it. Alley-oop.


Yeah.

I love you, Mr. Powers.

And I love you, Mrs. Powers.

Oh, that'll be Basil Exposition.

Oh, ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed. Duty calls, baby.

Hello, Austin.

Oh, I... I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon.

No, not at all, Basil.

Did you get that fruit basket I sent you?

Yes, we did, Basil, but you sent too much. I'm gonna have to send some to my mother.

Oh, don't forget these. Oh, thanks.

There you go. Did you get my other gift?

We did. Yes, Basil, nice rack.

But Who in the world gave us this drawing?

It's bizarre.

Well, as you know, Dr. Evil has escaped in his rocket...

...which has disappeared from our tracking system.

Oh, dear. Hold on. Coffee? Oh, yes, please.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, and Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent.

Oh, that's fantastic, Basil. Thanks.

Milk? Yes, please.

Oh, and Austin, her Majesty, the Queen, informs me that you are to be knighted.

Very shagadelic.

Well, the best of luck to both of you.

Thanks, Basil. Goodbye.

You know, Vanessa, I'll never forget the first time I saW you.

You were so incredibly beautiful.

So incredibly sexy.

I knew I had to have you...

...right then and there.

Did you feel the same way?

Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth.

Oh, I ordered some champagne. Come in.

Oh, lovely, Austin.

Right over there's fine, thank you.

Let's go out on the terrace.

It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars.

Smashing idea, baby.

Yeah, look at you.

Oh! Look out!

That really hurt.

I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot.

Who throws a shoe? Honestly.

You fight like a woman.

Austin.

Honestly, it's not mine.

No, use it.


Look how beautiful the night sky is.

Hey, isn't that the Big Dipper?

Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.

Austin. Well, you know.

Hey, I've never seen that big star before. Yeah, what is that?

Good God.

I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.

It's fricking freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.


Darling, you look fabulous. Okay, baby, here we go.

All right, there We go. Look at that face.

Show me again, come on. Bit of hair, bit of hair, bit of hair.

Smashing. Okay. It's coming around noW. Coming around. Yes.

Yes, great. Yes, yes, yes. No! No! No. No, it's not working.

Darling, you go change, there you go. Can you change her? Is that okay? All right?

Very good. Very good.

And right here. Right here, looking right there.

Looking right... I'm not even looking.

Oh, you're wicked. You got your mojo working overtime, darling. Yeah.

Look, I'm not even shooting you, it's insane.

Smashing. Beautiful. Come on, can I get a smile?

Okay, come on. Come on, you boys, get together, come on.

Okay, good. Loving it. Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.

You're wearing horns, you're wearing horns. Come on, Austin, give it to me. Go. Go...

Oh, behave.

Okay, you're an animal. An animal. Yes.

Yes, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the top of the hair, that's all I want.

Born, and shoot. Again, try it one more time.

And I'm born, and shoot. That's it, yeah.

Let's go, come on, come on. Come on.

Ignore this. Ignore this. Ignore me doing this.

Fabulous, darling.

Go, go, go!

Lord. Lord.

Yes, yes, yes. Okay, shoW me eyes.

Yes. Yes. Yes...

No! No! No! Never get... And I'm spent.

What say you we go out on the town and swing, baby, yeah.