Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) Script

HAVE A GOOD TIME


Houston, this is Condor.

We are doing an EVA of the payload.

We are about to present the module with...

What the...?

Oh, my gentle Jesus!

Houston, we have a problem.

Launch procedure commence.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes! Yes!

And I'm spent.

Do you smoke after sex? I don't know, baby. I never looked.

Oh, Austin.

What shall we do now? Well, I've got an idea.

Why don't we shag? Again?

Sure, baby. We're only up to chapter 11 in the Kamasutra.

Don't you wanna try the Wheelbarrow or the Praying Donkey...

...or the Chinese Shag Swing?

I'm gonna get us some more champagne, Jungle Boy.

I'm gonna get us some more champagne, Jungle Boy.

Are you okay?

I've never felt better, Austin.

All right, then.

I'm just gonna go watch a movie.

Hey, In Like Flint. That's my favorite movie.

Vanessa, what's going on?

I don't know what you mean, Austin. I'm the same...

You must...

Oh, my God!

Vanessa!

You're a Fembot!

No shit, Sherlock.

Machine-gun jubblies?

How did I miss those, baby?

Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.

Right. Oh, my God.

Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers.

A kamikaze bride from me, Dr. Evil.

Oh, thank God.

I can't believe Vanessa...

...my bride...

...my one true love...

...the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy...

...was a Fembot all along.

Wait a tick. That means I'm single again.

Oh, behave!

Yeah!

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Halt!

Disgusting.

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Yeah.

Hey, how are you? Good to see you.

Good. Hey. Yeah.

Revolting.

What's that? What's that? Oh.

Yes. Yeah, that looks good on you, man!

Hey, what's going on? Good to see you guys.

Yes. Good to see you.

Yeah.

Rabbis, how are you? Nice meat. Yes, nice meat.

Photo op.


Yeah, baby.


Keep a close eye on that Kreplachistan situation.

Sir.

Jerry, Jerry.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you very much.

If you just joined us, today's topic is:

"My father is evil and he wants to take over the world."

Okay, let's meet Scott Evil.

Hi, Scott. Nice to have you with us. Thanks, Jerry.

Tell us about your father.

Well, my dad is the head of a worldwide evil organization...

...with aspirations of world domination.

Wow, pretty serious stuff. Where is he now?

He's, like, cryogenically frozen, orbiting the Earth or something.

That's what you think.

But we have a surprise for you, Scott.

Okay, let's bring out Scott's father, Dr. Evil.

What? I didn't... What?

General, we've got a situation here.

What is it, sergeant?

Hello, Scott.

Daddy's back.

How could you do this to me? On national television.

Well, throw me a fricking bone here, Scott.

Why'd you run out on me?

Because you're not quite evil enough.

Well, it's true.

You're quasi-evil.

You're semi-evil.

You're the margarine of evil.

You're the Diet Coke of evil.

Just one calorie. Not evil enough.

What are you? Some kind of freak?

Hey, shut up, ****off! Okay. Okay, come on.

I'll kick your ***, punk! Bring it on, you skanky *****.

All right, all right. Come on.

No one talks to my son like that. It's okay.

You mother******* piece of ****!

Yeah, ****! I'll kick your ***, you ****ing ****sucker!

You piece of ****!

You were born in your mother's ****, you **********.

Jerry, Jerry. I'm okay.

I'm okay.

All right, you were born in your mother's ******* *******!

I'll ****ing kill you! I'll kill you both!

There you go. Great.

There you go, I got your hood! I got your hood!

Settle down. Okay, settle down. It's okay. Okay, okay.

It's only a television show. Calm down.

Okay, I'm all right. I'm easy. Okay. Everything okay?

Get this jerk out of here. I'll give you a **** piece of ****...

You mother******.

He's biting me!

He's biting me! The ****er's biting me!

**** off, you ****!

Give me that! The world is mine!

The world is mine, you *******!

You've got mail. Hello, Basil.

Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?

Well, it turns out that Vanessa was a Fembot.

Yes, we knew all along, sadly.

Anyway, I have a new assignment for you, Austin.

You're scheduled for a photo shoot...

...and one of the models works for Dr. Evil.

Groovy, baby!

Shaguar, ho!

Show me to the models, baby.

Let the magic begin.

Who have we got today? Okay, great.

Austin, I've heard a lot about you.

I'm Rebecca Romijn. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Well, of course you haven't had the pleasure, Rebecca.

We just met, baby, yeah.

Who are you, baby?

Ivana.

Ivana Humpalot.

Excuse me?

Ivana Humpalot.

And "lvana" toilet made out of gold, but it's just not in the cards, now, is it?

You know.

Okay, everyone. Let's get started.

Yes! Beautiful! Feeling it!

Let's get some smiles. It's all in here. That's it. Yes.

Let's let the inside out.

Okay, you're an animal!

Yes! There we go! You're a tiger!

You're Tony the Tiger!

You're great!

Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur.

Running as a pack. Yes, yes. We go left.

We go right. Yes, yes, yes.

There's a predator out in the jungle. What's going on?

Burrow! Burrow!

You're a lemur! It's all you've got!

You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting.

Make interconnected tunnels like the Vietcong.

And look! Look, look!

I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy.

And I'm spent.

Right, that's a wrap, everyone.

Miss Humpalot.

Da, darling?

Shall we? Give me moment.

Dr. Evil...

...several years ago, we invested in a small, Seattle-based coffee company.

Today, Starbucks offers premium-quality coffee...

...at affordable prices.

Delish.

Dr. Evil...

...if we shift our resources away from evil empires and toward Starbucks...

...we can increase our profits fivefold.

Number Two, I make the decisions here, okay?

I demand a little respect.

Dr. Evil, you have a little of the...

Silence!

I will not tolerate your insolence!

Frau Farbissina.

How are things?

I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name.

To my right is my lover.

We met at the LPGA tour.

Her name is Unibrau.

Right on.

Welcome, Unibrau.

Doctor, you...

What? You have a little...

...milk nose mustache.

I know. I know, I know.

Meant to. It's how we drink it in Belgium.

It's called a Belgian Dip.

Dr. Evil, while you were frozen...

...we began a program to clone you.

Cool. Send in the clone!

He is exactly like you in every way...

...except one-eighth your size.

Breathtaking.

I shall call him...

...Mini-Me.

Your stock is rising, Number Two.

Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Mini-Me, are you hungry?

Something to eat?

Not even a Hot Pocket?

An Eggo?

No. No, we don't gnaw on our kitty.

Leave... No.

Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone.

Just love him and stroke him.

As you know, every diabolical scheme that I've hatched...

...has been thwarted by Austin Powers.

And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?

You never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?

No, no, no.

No, no.

Down. Down, Mini-Me.

No. Austin Powers always defeats me because he has mojo.

Mojo?

Mojo.

The libido, the life force, the essence, the right stuff.

What the French call a certain...

...I don't know what.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...I've developed a device for traveling through time which I call...

...a "time machine."

Using this "time machine"...

...I'm going to go back to the '60s and steal Austin Powers' mojo.

If you have a time machine...

...why not just go back and kill Austin when he's sitting on the crapper?

How about no, Scott, okay?

Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market?

We could make trillions.

Why make trillions when we could make...

...billions?

A trillion is more than a billion, numbnuts.

All right, zip it.

You can't even... Zip it!

Zip.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-"zip it" A.

Number Two, would you please...? Look, I'm Zippy Longstocking.

When a problem comes along You must zip it Zip it good Frau, would you...?

Subtitle: Zip it.

I'm just trying... Zip!

Would you like to have a suckle of my zipple?

I want you... Stop... Zip! Eh.

Zip it! Zip it! This...

You know...

You're like a child.

Talking... If you... Just... One time...

Zip it. Unveil the time portal.

As you know...

...Austin Powers was frozen in 1967.

Therefore, I will travel to 1969...

...two years after he was frozen.

He'll be helpless.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to travel through time. I bid you adieu.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Not turned on, I suppose. Yeah.

Do you think you could...?

Yeah, thanks.

Come, Mini-Me!

Don't be scared, Mini-Me.

Dr. Evil. Welcome to 1969.

Thank you, Number Two.

You look so healthy and youthful.

Well, thank you.

Heil, doctor. And Frau, you look so...

Right.

You know, Dr. Evil, I received your memo from the future.

Your new lair is up and running.

Is it a hollowed-out volcano, like I asked for?

Of course.

Good.

Then it's all going perfectly to plan.


Yeah, baby, yeah!

When did you get the clapper?

November, 1964. Dutch East Indies, shore leave.

Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

I can guess, baby.

We play chess.

I guessed wrong.

It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr. Powers.

I assume you know how to play.

Of course, baby.


What to do, what to do.


Let me ask you a question.

And be honest.

Do I make you horny, baby?

Do I?

Do I make you randy?

Yeah?

No more games.

Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you...

...but I find you so...

Sexy and... Yes. Yes.

Just make love to me.

Now, Austin Powerovich. Hurry.

You are hairy, like animal!

Grr, baby. Very grr.

Make love to me, monkey man.

Dr. Evil, I don't understand how we can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo.

We've tried this before.

The security around Powers is foolproof.

Ah, but this time we have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense.

Really?

Yes, really.

He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo even as we speak.

Really?

Really.

He's a disgruntled Scottish guard...

...known for his lethal temper and his unusual eating habits.

He weighs a metric ton.

His name:

Fat Bastard.

We've had reports there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense.

The contents of this room are vital to the country.

Be on special alert.

Yes, sir!

And try to lose some weight, for God's sake.

Yes, sir!

Mr. English Colonel, telling me to lose weight.

Oh, I'm a hard case, he says.

Well, listen up, sonny Jim, I ate a baby!

Oh, aye.

Baby: The other Other White Meat.

Baby: It's what's for dinner.


Oh, I've got your mojo now, sonny Jim!

What's wrong? Crikey!

I've lost my mojo.

Austin, the test results confirm that you've lost your mojo.

And it couldn't come at a worse time.

We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine...

...and has traveled back to the year 1969.

Luckily, we too have developed a time-travel device...

...to transport you back to the '60s.

This is where you input your destination.

Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969...

...and I was frozen in 1967...

...presumably, I could go visit my frozen self.

But if I'm still frozen in 1967...

...how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled...

Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.

I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing and just enjoy yourself.

That goes for you all too. Yes.

This is smashing, Basil.

I'll go back to the '60s, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.

Swinging '60s, here I come, baby, yeah!

Move! Move!

Move!

No, Austin, no! No!

Sorry.

I bet that's expensive. Quite all right.

Oh, sorry, here we go. Yes, yes.

Almost. Sorry!

Easy, easy.

God damn barrels, Austin.

Yeah, see, here we go, here we go. All right.

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Godspeed, Austin Powers.

I'm home.

Austin Powers!

Austin Powers? Yes.

I'm back in the '60s, baby, yeah!

Yeah, all right, there you are.

Yeah!

Hey, hey, hey. Get your hands off my heinie, baby.

Who are you today, baby?

My name is Robin Swallows.

Swallows. That's an interesting name.

Maiden name is Spitz.

Well, which is it, baby? Spitz or Swallows?


Those are skintight. How do you get into those pants, baby?

You can start by buying me a drink.

I want. I want.

You better play it cool. Your friend works for Dr. Evil.

And just who do you work for, baby?

Tell me, Mr. Powers.

Do you swing?

Are you kidding, baby?

I put the "grr" in "swinger," baby!

Then why don't you come right...

...over... here.

Okay, I could do that.

Easy.

Cheeky.

Prepare to die, Powers!

Use the machine gun!

Say goodbye, Powers!

Use the bazooka!

No!

The fall will kill us both, Powers!

You can't win, Powers.

Why won't you die?

Care for a ride?

Go! Go! Go!

Go!

Austin Powers, I presume.

Powers by name...

...Powers by reputation.

Felicity Shagwell, CIA.

Shagwell by name, Shag-very-well by reputation.

Oh, behave.

Not if I can help it.

Yes. Ooh.

You know what's remarkable...

...is how much England looks in no way like southern California.

Crikey!

We've got company. It looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins.


Steady now. Steady.

Hands up.

Do you remember me, Austin Powers?

I don't recall your name, but your fez is familiar.

My name is Mustafa.

And I'm the man who will be killing you now.

Who sent you?

You'll have to kill me.

Who sent you?

Kiss my ass, Powers.

Who sent you?

Dr. Evil.

That was easy. That was easy.

Why did you tell us?

I can't stand to be asked the same question three times.

It just irritates me.

Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Where is Dr. Evil hiding? You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell.

Where's Dr. Evil hiding? Damn. Three times.

He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.

Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

I spit at that question!

Do I really have to ask you two more times?

Go to hell, Powers.

Fine.

Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

I will take it to the grave with me!

You have to answer. He asked three times.

No, no, no.

The second question was, "Do I really have to ask you two more times?"

That would be the first question in a new line of questioning...

...and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Yeah, he's right.

I'm just trying to get information from you.

I don't need any consistency in the questions, do I?

No, no. You're preaching to the converted. I... Uh!

Well, if I'm preaching to the converted...

...why are you being so slavish to the three-question form?

You're not even looking at me, man. Now you're just being rude.

You're not listening, man.

Oh, crikey.

Well, Austin, I think this time you may have finally met your match.

Oh, no, baby.

I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again.

I was talking about me.

Yeah.

Hello, up there. I seem to have fallen down a cliff.

I'm still alive, but I'm very badly injured.

I think my legs might be broken, but I'll try to stand up.

Yes, they are broken.

Perhaps you could toss me a Band-Aid or some antibacterial cream.

I'm in an extraordinarily large amount of pain.

The bone has gone through the skin. I fear it might be gangrenous.

The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds, which is not good.

Please?

No one?

Sorry. I'll try the other leg.

Two of my assassins are dead. I will not tolerate failure.

I'm the man who will maintain the dignity of this evil organization.

What the hell was that?

Volcanic eruption!

May I present to you my spy in the Ministry of Defense:

Fat Bastard.

First things first. Where's your shitter?

I've got a turtle head poking out.

Charming.

I'm not kidding.

I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.

It's squidgey.

Christ, I'm getting all emotional from it, you know?

Right...

Fat Bastard, could I have my mojo, please?

Where's my money?

All right, give him his money.

Jesus Christ, he's tiny.

I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap.

Wait a minute.

He kind of looks like a baby.

Come here, I'm gonna eat you!

I'm bigger than you, I'm higher on the food chain.

Get in my belly!

Come on!

You're lucky, wee man!

Can I have a hug?

Dr. Evil.

Let me make you a deal, all right?

You get the mojo, you keep your money...

...and I'll get your baby.

Right...

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs Excuse me.

Chili, baby back ribs Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers?

Austin Powers is no longer a threat to me.

I have his mojo.


All right, everyone. You're dismissed.

Private time.


Dr. Evil, I don't want this to interfere with our work.

Don't worry, mama.

Things won't get weird.

One for me.

And one for my homeys.

Herr Doctor.


Hello.

So, what happened here?

Apparently a rogue agent named Fat Bastard...

...infiltrated the unit assigned to guard your chamber.

He used some sort of nerve gas. These men don't remember a thing.

Captain, crosscheck Fat Bastard's profile with the mainframe at Langley.

Yes, ma'am. Can I borrow that, please?

Thank you. Yes, Austin, yes, yes.

Look at me. I'm a sexy bitch, baby, yeah.

You're a popsicle, yes.

Yes. No! No!

And I'm spent.

Let's go, baby. Yeah!

Hey there. How are you?

Come on, Felicity, come on.


Yeah, babe!

Shall we sit down? Yeah. Yeah.

This is great. Groovy.

So, Austin, what's the future like?

Well, everyone has a flying car...

...entire meals come in pill form...

...and the Earth is ruled by damned dirty apes!

Oh, my God.

Had you for a second.

You can have me for even longer, if you want.

You're one groovy baby...

...baby.

Too many "babys."

Don't you dare move.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach and Mr. Elvis Costello.

What do you get when you fall in love?

A guy with a pin to burst your bubble Would you care to dance? I'd love to.

That's what you get for all your trouble I'll never fall in love again Don't tell me what it's all about Because I've been there And I'm glad I'm out Out of those chains Those chains that bind you That is why I'm here to remind you What do you get when you fall in love You only get lies and pain and sorrow So for at least until tomorrow I'll never fall in love again You're quite good on your feet.

I'm even better off my feet.

Oh, behave, baby.

Hi. Hi.

Hi there.

How are things? Good, Herr Doctor. And you?

Great.

Just taking a break?

Try the Hot Pockets. They're breathtaking.

It got weird, didn't it? Yeah.

I knew it.

You haven't called.

Look, we talked about this.

We promised each other it wouldn't get weird.

I can't let my feelings for you interfere with my taking over the world.

You know that.

You know, I will never love another man.

Yes, that's true.

Yeah.

Dr. Evil, I'm late.

No, you got here right on time. No.

I mean I'm late.

Dad.

Scott.

Hey there, sport.

What are you doing here?

I was just thinking that maybe we can work all this out.

After all, you are my father.

Scott, you had your chance, okay?

I already had someone created in my image.

He's evil, he wants to take over the world...

...and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.

Him? Yes.

Look at him. He's crazy.

He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing.

He'll kill me the first chance he gets.

Probably.

I love you.

I am a sexy bitch, yes.

Felicity, make yourself at home, baby.

What do you think of my shag pad, darling?

It's amazing, Austin.

Wait a tick.

That's how my mojo was stolen. Fat Bastard.

She's a professional agent. She's not interested in shagging.

Please, God. Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

Austin, I'm waiting.

How about one of your world-famous massages?

You mean a sensual massage?

Right, then. Okay...

Here we go. Yes.

Yes.

Oh, wait a minute. Something's itching me.

That's better.

Crikey!

How does that feel, baby?

Lower.

How does that feel, baby?

What?

You don't have to be cute with me. We're way past that.

We are?

What do you think?

Listen, Felicity...

...I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

I have to go.

Is it me?

I can't explain.

Hello, Agent Shagwell. Where's Austin?

I must've said something wrong, so he just left all of a sudden.

Listen, Felicity. I don't want you getting too close to Austin.

It's not meant to be.

I don't get too close to anybody, Basil.

My interest is purely professional. Good.

Then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight.

No problem.

We need you to plant this homing device on him by any means necessary.

No problem.

Keep up the good work.

Remember, by any means necessary.

Look at yourself.

You used to be so virile.

You were a swinger, man.

And now you're nothing.

But at least it can't get any worse.

Well, surprise, surprise, huh?

Look at that meal.

I'm dead sexy.

Look at my sexy body.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, look, I'm like a singer.

Sexy man, sexy man Eating like a sexy man can By the way...

...would you like some chicken? I've got more.

No, thanks.

Let's see, what have we got here? I'm done with that.

All right.

All right, then.

I'll just put this down here.

Remember, by any means necessary.

Must've eaten them already.

Frisky, are we?

Give it up! Ah!

Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin phase two of our evil project.

Or is it phase...? I don't know phases.

Anyways, this is the phase in which we put a giant "laser" on the moon.

As you know, the moon rotates around the Earth, like so:

When the moon reaches its appropriate lunar alignment...

...it will destroy Washington, D.C.

You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call...

...a "death star."

What? Nothing, Darth.

What did you call me?

No, nothing. Rip-off!

Bless you.

Anyways, the key to this plan is the giant laser.

It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.

Therefore we shall call it "the Alan Parsons Project."

Oh, my God.

What now?

The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982.

Why don't you just call it "Operation Wang Chung," ass.

Well, what should we...? Nothing.

I'm sure "Operation Bananarama" will be huge.

What are you saying? If you...

Shh! Trying to be hip...

Www. Ssh. Com.

Dot-org. You're so...

Dr. Evil, if we could put aside the family squabbling for a moment...

...I think we can get down to some serious business here.

Really? Yeah.

I don't like that insolent tone.

I meant nothing by it. No, no.

You want to run things here? Is that it? No, not at all.

You wanna be daddy? Is that it, Number Two?

You wanna wear the daddy pants?

Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna cry? I don't think so.

You gonna cry? You gonna cry? What are you...?

Are you gonna squirt some? Are you gonna cry?

Yeah, see? You're gonna cry, huh? You're a big man now, huh? Yeah.

Thought so.


Felicity.

Austin.

About what happened last night...

That's okay. You don't have to explain. No, no, no.

You don't understand. You see...

...I've lost my mojo.

So that's why you...? Yes, yes.

I thought you didn't like me.

Oh, no, baby. You're very shagadelic.

I just didn't wanna fall in love again...

...and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo.

It's not you. You're fab.

You're switched on. You're a bit of all right, yes.

That is so great. There's something I should tell you too.

Last night, I planted a homing device on Fat Bastard.

Smashing, baby. Then we can track down Fat Bastard, get my mojo...

...go back to my place, hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

But there's more. In order to get close to Fat Bastard, I had to...

Oh! Hello, hello. The signal's coming through. He's at Paddington Station.

Let's go!

We're close, baby.

This way. Straight. No, no, left. Through here.

We've got him. Private, bring up the ram.

Go, go, go!

Where is he?

Oh, my God!

Fat Bastard left a floater!

In the name of all things sacred, that is the most foul-smelling thing ever!

Somebody flush it down.

No, no. Nobody touch anything.

We have to get this sample to the lab to be analyzed.

I'm gonna get it.

Austin, there you are. Has the sample been analyzed?

Cor, baby. You look very shagadelic, yeah.

But do we really have to be here, Felicity? I mean, it's so boring.

I don't believe in science.

When it comes to the spy game...

...to me, it's all instinct.

Hello, everybody. Hello, Basil.

The results are in.

We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable...

...found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.

Whoop-dee-doo!

What does it all mean, Basil?

It means that this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair.

Smashing, Basil.

Cor.

This coffee smells like shit.

It is shit, Austin.

Oh, good, then it's not just me.

It's a bit nutty.

Excuse me, Dr. Evil.

I have to speak to you about this Mini-Me.

He's not fitting in?

Is he giving off too much of a creepy Oompa-Loompa vibe?

No, it's just that...

...he bites.

He's a biter.

What's wrong, Mini-Me?

Something you wanna tell us?

Teething. Yeah.

Get me the president of the United States of America!

He's on, he's on. What do you want, Dr. Evil?

Mr. President, in 12 hours...

...I will destroy Washington, D.C. With this giant "laser."

What the...? Jesus.

Mini-Me.

Stop humping the laser.

Okay. Honest to God.

Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricking room, for God sakes?

Mr. President.

After I destroy Washington, D. C...

...I will destroy another major city every hour, on the hour.

That is, unless, of course, you pay me...

...one hundred billion dollars.

Doctor Evil, this is 1969.

That amount of money doesn't even exist.

That's like saying, "I want a kajillion-bajillion dollars."

Come on, Mr. President...

...show me the money.

Show you what money?

"Show me the money! Show me the money!"

"You had me at 'hello."' Tear. Nothing? No?

Psst. It's 1969.

Jerry Maguire won't even come out for another 30 years.

Nobody knows what you're talking about, ass.

Scott, Daddy's working. Okay?

And when you're in the main chamber, try and use the big-boy voice, okay?

Thank you.

Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate...

...the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project.

Fire the laser!

Damage report! Damage report!

It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

Actually, that was just footage from the movie Independence Day...

...but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah.

Scary.

Now, Dr. Evil...

Talk to the hand, because the face don't want to hear it anymore.

What hand? Talk to your hand?

You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.

What are you talking about?

Don't go there, girlfriend. Mm-hm.

Whose girlfriend?

Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mofo.

I had to pop a cop because he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown.

No? I heard that somewhere.

You're an idiot.

Mr. President, I think we have an understanding.

Bye-bye.

Dr. Evil, what are our plans regarding Austin Powers?

Austin Powers? He's the snake to my mongoose.

Or the mongoose to my snake.

Either way, it's bad. I don't know animals.

But I do know this:

This time, it's personal.

Kill him.

There's Dr. Evil's island.


Let's set up camp.

Be careful with that bag. There's explosives in it.

This could be dangerous.

What if God was one of us Just a slob like one of us

Well done. Very good.

Dr. Evil. That was fantastic.

Thank you, Number Two.

I wrote that. Yeah.

Dad, he put this in my bed.

Who? Your stupid Mini-You.

He put roadkill in my sheets!

What...? Mini-Me.

Don't you ever do that again! You hear me?

Don't you ever do that again!

I can't stay mad at you.

Look at that ponem.

Dr. Evil's headquarters is right over that next ridge.

Let me look. Yeah...

Damn it. How do we get in?

Hello, Mommy.

Mommy, can I have some chocolates? I want some Mars Bars.

Austin. Austin! Don't smack my bottom, Mommy!

Sorry, love.

I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Let's look at the map.

Oh, great.

What's our plan? According to this map...

...the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.

I wanna make sure the explosives didn't get wet, but I can't find them.

Look in the bottom.

Okay. I'll dig a little deeper.

Wow, this bag is really full.

Just keep digging, darling.

I'll just feel around for them.

Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things do you keep in here?

Anything that catches my fancy. My God.

Give it a good tug.

Oh. Do we really need this?

I'll ask you not to open that inside, thank you very much, okay?

Oh, my God.

Oops. It went off. Yes.

It does that from time to time.

Ugh! Yuck.

Yeah, that's nasty.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Smelly.

These people make me sick.

Can you snap me a beer?

Ah! What is it?

It's a gerbil. How did that get in your bag?

I don't know.

Dr. Evil.

We have a problem. Austin Powers is on the island.

Bring him to me...

...alive.

You.

Hit it! This is a very sensitive subject.

Yeah.

From the moment I heard Frau Say I had a clone I knew that I'd be safe 'Cause I'd never be alone An evil doctor shouldn't speak Aloud about his feelings My hurt and my pain Don't make me too appealing I'd hoped Scott would look up to me Run the business of the family Head an evil empire Just like his dear old dad Give him my love And the things I never had Scott would think I was a cool guy Return the love I have Make me want to cry Be evil but have my feelings too Change my life with Oprah And Maya Angelou But Scott rejected me C'est la vie Life is cruel Treat you unfairly Even so A God there must be Mini-Me, you complete me

Yeah Just me and you

You and I

You've got this packed really tight.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just got a bit of a back cramp, that's all.

Just keep packing it in.

God.

I found the explosives. Help me check them.

You're surrounded! Drop your weapons!

Hands up!

Move out!

Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments...

...we're gonna place a giant "laser" on the moon.

From my "death star," I will destroy every city on the planet.

Get out of it!

Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell, welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.

This is my associate, Fat Bastard.

Felicity, I think you two may have already "met."

Unfortunately.

Oh, is that all the thanks I get for the night of hot sex?

I'm dead sexy.

You were crap.

Yes. In your dreams.

Felicity would never sleep with you.

Right?

I did what I had to do. I'm a secret agent.

What?

All right, that's enough, Fat Bastard.

As much as I like seeing Powers in agony, and I do...

...the thought of you naked is just gross.

You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers.

I have your mojo.

My mojo... And I'm taking it with me to the moon.

Put them in the jail cell!

My mojo! I'll get you, Dr. Evil, I'll get you!

Oh, look at me, I'm shaking in my little space boots.

I want my mojo!

Give back my mojo! I'll get you, Dr. Evil. Great plan, Einstein.

Well, you're gonna put them in a cell with one inept guard and they'll escape.

God, you do this every time.

You know, Scott...

...I've been a fricking evil doctor...

...for 30 fricking years, okay?

Cut me some fricking slack.

You forget, Scott.

We're in a volcano.

We're surrounded by liquid-hot magma.

What are you drawing?

It's just a goodbye card, that's all.

It's sweet.

Hey, back off. Get him! Get the baby!

Back off! Simmer down. Simmer down.

Get in there! Gnaw on him!

He's my posse.

Okay.

You take special care of him.

He's my special boy.

Attention.

Prepare for launch.

Repeat, all technicians to launch positions.

Gentlemen...

...I'm about to go to the moon.

Initiate prelaunch sequence.

Main rocket engine ignition...

Frau. Begin the countdown.

Five! Four!

Three! Two... Frau.

Begin the countdown at 30.

Thirty!

Twenty-nine, 28, 27...

...twenty-six, 25...

...twenty-four, 23...

...twenty-two, 21...

...twenty, 19...

...eighteen...

...seventeen, 16...

...fifteen, 14, 13...

You know what? When the doors close, just say "go." Better.

Go!


Colonel, you better take a look at this radar.

What is it, son?

I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...

Dick. Yeah?

Take a look out of starboard.

Oh, my God! It looks like a huge...

Pecker! Where?

Wait, that's not a woodpecker. It looks like someone's...

Privates!

We have reports of an unidentified flying object!

It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with...

Two balls!

What is that?

That looks just like an enormous...

Wang! Pay attention.

I was distracted by that enormous flying...

Willie. Yeah?

What's that?

Well, it looks like a giant...

Johnson. Yes, sir.

Get on the horn to British intelligence and let them know about this.

What do we do?

Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again?

Austin, this is no time to get jealous.

Well, how could you do it? I was just doing my job.

No, I mean literally. How could you do it?

The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.

Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just because you lost your mojo.

Ouch, baby.

Very ouch.

Look, Austin, we're running out of time.

I'm sorry.

I just did what I thought you would do in the same situation.

You're the reason that I became a spy.

I thought that I wanted to be you...

...but then I realized...

...that I wanna be with you.

You do?

Yeah.

Hang on, baby.

Ally-oop!

Look, maybe we should talk about this later.

We need to get past that inept guard.

Right. Here's the plan.

I pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning.

The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate.

Meanwhile, you dig a pit...

...line it with punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes.

The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, we escape. What do you think?

That might work, but what about this?

What do you think of these, my man? Mommy!

What a burn.

That sort of thing could get a man...

...fired.

I think he was hot...

...for you.

That's enough. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...welcome to my moon base.

You've all been chosen to be part of my elite moon unit...

...which is divided into two divisions:

Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.

In exactly six hours, the moon will move in its orbit around the Earth...

...bringing Washington, D. C...

...within range of my giant "laser."

Begin "laser" ignition sequence.

Begin laser ignition!

Attention. Moon Unit Zappa to firing stations.

Initiation sequence in progress.

Okay. All right.

Gravity boost to EMS. Steady at full power.

All I asked for was a fricking rotating chair, okay?

Oh, okay.

Okay, okay. Getting a little afraid.

I need an old priest and a young priest.

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! Whoa, hello.

Okay. Sick as a dog now.

Okay. Okay. Get him a bucket.

Gonna vom.

We need to hitch a ride to the moon, baby.

Apollo 11 is good to go. Crew to all stations.

We will have liftoff in T-minus five seconds. Four...

...three... two...

We have liftoff!

Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading for...

...a rendezvous with the moon.

Arm the "laser."

Arming the laser!

Attention, arming the death star.

Battle stations. Laser armed!

All crew prepare for ready battle stations.

Get me the president.

You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me.

This is the part where we threaten the world leader.

I know we do it every time. However, it is important to...

Mini-Me?

Mini-Me, where are you?

Can someone put a fricking bell on him or something?

Great.

Somebody get the stick.

Just grab on to the hook, all right?

You complete me.

I love you.

Hang in there, Mini-Me.

If anything should happen to you, I don't know what I would do.

I'd probably move on and get another replica...

...but there'd be a 10-minute period there when I would just be inconsolable.

We have your money, but it wasn't easy.

Papa has to do some work, okay?

Well, you have exactly 30 minutes to get it to me.

Jiminy German Jesus!

I can't believe we're gonna pay that madman.

I got nukes out the yin-yang. Just let me launch one, for chrissake!

Sir! Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?

Would you miss it?

Mission control...

...the swinger has landed, yeah.

Airlock open.

Repressurize.

Let's find Dr. Evil. Yeah.

Enjoy your stay on the moon.

Hello, hello.

There he is.

I'll cover your rear. No, you go ahead.

This time, it's personal.


No more! I can't take it anymore!

Peace?

You brought my glasses. Bless your little heart.

That's not right, that's...

Oh, don't, that's just... Now I'm pissed!

Judo flip!

Poor little bugger.

He's so small.

He's like a dog or something.

Poor little bugger.

Get off! Off!

Okay.

Oh! Oh! Get out of my suit!

It tickles. Oh, it tickles. No.

Gotcha.


Poor little bugger.

I salute you.

All right, slap-head.

Turn around.

Where's my mojo?

Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers:

Save the world...

...or save your girlfriend.

Austin! Felicity!

Don't worry about me, Austin!

You've gotta save the world!

Kill him!

Fire the "laser"!

Target locking.

Laser set to full fatality.

Judo kick!

Target missed. Mojo in trouble now.

You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers, but you lost the war.

No! No, no!

Felicity! Wake up, Felicity, wake up!

I love you, Felicity.

I love you.

Dr. Evil! I'll kill him!

Gotcha!

Ow! You shot me, you A-hole.

And now I'm going to kill you.

Before you do that...

...know this:

Austin...

...I am your father.

Really?

No, not really. I can't back that up.

Right. Idiot. Yes.

But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, that you would rather kill me...

...than save your precious Felicity?

What do you mean?

Remember, there's a time portal in the main chamber.

You could go back and save her.

I'll do that.

Felicity!

Good work.

Good work!

Good work!

Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers:

Save the world...

...or save your girlfriend.

Austin! Felicity!

Don't worry about me, Austin! You've gotta save the world!

I choose love, baby!

Wait a tick.

Who are you? I'm you, ten minutes from now.

Damn it, you are handsome.

I was just thinking the same.

We are sexy.

We are sexy bitches, yeah.

All right, this is ri-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!

Fire the "laser."

Thank you.

Fire the "laser"!

Listen, Past Austin.

Can you save the world while I go get the girl?

Sure, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.

Target locking.

Laser set to full fatality.

Ah! Target missed.

Come on, come on. You're all right. Yeah, come on.

You all right? Are you okay? Yeah.

Say, what's the policy on ménage à trois?

You are adorable.

Yes.

Looking for this, Mr. Powers?

My mojo.

Self-destruct in two minutes and counting.

No! No!

Watch out!

See you in hell, Powers!

No, my...

Okay, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.

This place is gonna blow! Let's go! Come on!

Self-destruct in 30 seconds and counting.

Twenty-nine. No!

Let's go! No! My mojo!

We have to go now! My mojo! I'm useless without it!

You don't need it, you've had it all along. What do you mean?

You defeated Dr. Evil, saved the world, and, believe me, you're gonna get the girl.

Well.

Yeah. All right, then. Maybe later. Yeah, come on.

Go!

I'll set the controls for 1967.

Felicity, why don't you come with me to 1999?

Well, I don't know. The '60s were just so groovy.

I wanna to see what happens in the '70s and '80s.

The '70s and the '80s?

You're not missing anything. I looked into it.

There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.

Let's go!


I love you, Austin Powers.

And I love you, Felicity Shagwell.

Wherever we go...

There we are.

Special delivery.

Ah! Surprise, surprise!

Listen, missy.

Do you fancy another go?

Because once you've had fat, you never go back.

You shut your mouth, you bastard...

...who is fat.

That's right, yeah.

Before you kill us, let me ask you one question:

Are you happy? What kind of stupid-ass question is that?

I'm rich and I'm dead sexy!

Yeah.

Well, you didn't answer my question. Are you happy?

Of course I'm not happy.

Look at me. I'm a big, fat slob.

I've got bigger titties than you do.

I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

I've not seen my willy in two years...

...which is long enough to declare it legally dead!

I can't stop eating.

I eat because I'm unhappy.

And I'm unhappy because I eat.

It's a vicious cycle.

If you'll excuse me...

...there's someone I have to get in touch with and forgive.

Myself.

Oh, God.

Sorry. I farted.

It's a long road ahead.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm gonna kill you anyway.

Judo chop!

Right in the mommy-daddy button!

That's for calling me crap, you fatty.

Listen, baby, I don't care if he is a fat bastard.

You don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket.

Do you think I'll be happy here in the '90s?

Well, I know the '90s might sound boring...

...but as far as I'm concerned...

...I've brought the best part of the '60s back with me:

You.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?


Did we get Dr. Evil?

No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge...

Penis. The male reproductive organ.

Also known as tallywhacker, schlong or...

Wiener?

Any of you kids want another wiener?

Dad, what's that?

I don't know, son, but it's got great big...

Nuts! Hot, salty nuts! Who wants some...?

Lord almighty!

That looks just like my husband's...

One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the one-eyed monster!

Hey, what's that? It looks like a big...

Woody?

Woody Harrelson? Can I have your autograph?

Sure, no problem.

Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing.

It's so big.

I've seen bigger. That's...

Just a little prick.

It's a flu shot.

You've been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick.

It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me.

I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.

I'm gonna get you.

Thank you.

We're doing a follow-up to a segment we did several months ago...

...on fathers who are trying to take over the world.

Let's begin with Scott Evil.

What's going on with your dad?

Well, my dad tried to take over the world with a giant laser on the moon.

I know.

Well, Scott, we have a surprise for you. What? My dad?

No, it's not your father. It's your mother.

Come on out.

Mom, mom, mom.

Mom, mom, mom.

Mom?

Scott, you are my love child with Dr. Evil.

I thought I was a test-tube baby.

He lies. All lies!

I love you, Mom.

I love you too, son.

Thank you.

You know, what have we learned here today?

Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo.

You can look around...

...but what you're really trying to find is on the inside.

Take care of yourself, and each other.

I think I'm going to like it in the '90s.

I never knew it could be this way. Oh, baby! Baby, baby!

Oh, no.

Oh, that's good. Felicity.

Austin? How could you?

I thought that...

Past Austin?

Technically, it's not cheating, baby.

Well, Felicity, I can't blame you.

The man is handsome, baby.

We're just plain handsome, man.

Am I wrong, but this makes me horny, baby?

Very randy!

Well, one thing's for sure: I've got my mojo back.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's definitely back.

Hello, you all right?

Me spuds are boiling.

Come on, darling, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Paging Dr. Freud.


Hello, up there. Is the movie over?

I'm still down here and I'm still in quite a lot of pain.

Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance.

Oh! The pain is really quite severe.

I've fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing.