Baby Geniuses (1999) Script

He's out.

What do you mean, "He's out"?

Sylvester. He's escaped.

Impossible.

(SIREN BLARING) Maximum alert.

(ALARM RINGING)

Damn it!

He's been spotted on the mezzanine.

Secure perimeters.

Alert topside. Initiate probers. Move!

Move! Move!

HELICOPTER PILOT: He's exiting the building. Move out.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

HEAD SECURITY: There he is. Nail him.

He's heading for the maze. We've got him.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

Cut him off! Toward the fountain.

There he goes. He's headed back.

Coming back, towards the fountain.

HELICOPTER PILOT: He's approaching the fountain. Seal him off.

We've got him.

HEAD SECURITY: Be careful. He's dangerous.

HELICOPTER PILOT: There's nowhere to go, Sly.

Give it up.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

HEAD SECURITY: Security.

Go.

The rest of you, come with me.

Check the perimeters.


Nice try, pal.

(SPUTTERING)

(LAUGHING)

Take him.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Stop him!

(LAUGHING)


That'll be quite enough, Sylvester.

HEAD SECURITY: There you are, doc.

He nearly made it this time.

Tomorrow you will explain how a mere toddler manages to escape from a laboratory 25 stories below ground.

HEAD SECURITY: What kind of kids you breeding down there?

Nearly blew us away with karate.

Remarkable.

Once again we demonstrate the superiority of the Kinder method.

Take him to the secret lab.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

HEEP: Operation Twincorp, access requested.

(RHYTHMIC BEEPING)

COMPUTER: Analyzing voiceprint.

HEEP: Review project in summary form.

COMPUTER: Twincorp is designed to prove the superiority of the Kinder method of child rearing.

To accomplish this, two years ago, twin brothers Sylvester and Whit were born to a specially selected surrogate mother.

Director of operations, Dr. Elena Kinder, arranged for Whit to be adopted into the home of her niece and her niece's husband, Dr. Dan Bobbins.

Sly was placed in the BABYCO Hyper-Developmental Habitat to be raised under the guidance of the Kinder method.

HEEP: Summarize operational protocol.

COMPUTER: It is imperative for the integrity of this experiment that no one ever discover that Sly and Whit are twins, especially, the boys themselves.

A comparative evaluation of the boys will occur by age 6 to establish conclusively the superiority of the Kinder method.

HEEP: Updating experiment log.

Last night, Baby Sylvester made his way up 25 stories, undetected escaping from his habitat in a secret lab.

Even though it now appears that Sly cannot be controlled I'm sure, Dr. Kinder will be pleased by this display of skill and intelligence.

I however, remain apprehensive.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

MAYOR: Under the guidance of its chairman, Dr. Elena Kinder Baby Geniuses Inc. And its parent company BABYCO are the world's largest manufacturer of products for the baby.

BABYCO is also a vital charitable organization which sponsors orphanages in 10 countries around the globe.

The latest one dedicated just a week ago, right here in Pasadena.

Today we are deeper in Dr Kinder's debt for the extraordinary gift to our community.

Joyworld, the world's largest indoor amusement park.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the founder and CEO of BABYCO my friend, Dr. Elena Kinder.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm gonna break out.

Honey, you can't get hives just because your aunt comes into the room.

I can't help it. She starts lying. I start breaking out.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming here today.

We at BABYCO believe that babies have a language of their own.

We're dedicated to proving it.

Our research in infant potentiality is the model of the field.

But in the final analysis the simple answer as to why we do what we do is...

We love babies.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

Loves babies. Huh!

Loves money.

ELENA: All right, ladies and gentlemen. Let's have a party.

Welcome to Joyworld.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Look, it's a roller coaster!

ELENA: So the park, of course, will be free for all children.

But the money collected from adults will go to the BABYCO Worldwide Orphanage Foundation.

MAYOR: Is this a terrific lady, or what?

This is kind of great.

She does a lot of good you've gotta admit that.

She's good at stealing your ideas that's what she's good at.

MAN: Attention!

Has anyone lost a baby?

A very big baby?

Ladies and gentlemen Baby Bunting!

That looks like your illustration.

That looks like Boo Boo Boy from Baby's Good Day.

Bunting came into this world just last week.

Now, everything is fully controlled by our computerized command center.

Hiya, fellas.

And now go to crossover mode.

Okay, Richard. Give me Baby Bunting vocal.

What's your name, little girl?

Erin. My name is Erin.

Aww... What a sweet name.

Give Baby Bunting a big hug.

And cue burp...

Now.

(BURPING)

Well! Think about changing his diaper.

Come on, honey, this way.

MAN: Kids, good news!

Robotic Santa and the robotic elves are waiting to greet you at the robotic North Pole.

In fact, we have robotic entertainers located throughout the park all controlled from our central command center.

Okay, let's cue up for Robo-Zoo.

And here we have the world's most unique animal farm.

We call it Robo-Zoo.

Each child gets a remote control to control their own robotic animal.

Doctor, why wouldn't you have real animals in your zoo?

Good heavens! Anybody could do that.

Plastic zoo. Huh! That's definitely Aunt Elena's idea.

At least she could have introduced you.

She steals from your books, from your research.

DAN: I'm flattered.

ROBIN: She knows you're about to make a breakthrough in infant language.

She'll probably try to steal that too. (DAN CHUCKLES)

DAN: You make her sound like Attila the Hun.

ROBIN: Honey, we're barely able to afford your research facility and the preschool.

She does this all the time. It's just not right.

I think she's just goal-oriented.

Her goal is to take over the world, I know.

I lived with her for more than half my life.

And look how great you turned out.

MARGO: Lenny?

Lenny?

Where are you going with those children?

What children? These are not children.

These are plumbers. They're gonna help me fix the sink.

Good-luck kiss.

With this house, you need more than luck. (BOTH LAUGHS)

Okay, let's get to work.

Just as you thought, the BABYCO line of expandable infant clothing has elicited a tremendous response in our first research pass.

Huge numbers from the Kmart and Wal-Mart shoppers where the penetration is weakest.

That should increase our market share. Put it in production.

Heep, tell me of the new ones. How many possibles?

-Eight show potential. -Eight out of 500?

Elena, statistically, genius occurs once in 10,000 individuals.

We expected only five geniuses from the Pasadena Orphanage.

We've got eight.

ELENA: Don't tell me how well we're doing.

Our orphanages and secret labs are costing us 200 million a year.

The sole purpose of these orphanages is to allow us to cull out the geniuses, -the natural leaders. -We'll do better.

I'll settle for a few more like Sylvester.

Look at what that crackerjack did last night.

All our emphasis has been on keeping the world out of a secret lab.

No one ever considered the possibility of a baby escaping.

Just look at this wonderful world we've created for our babies to grow up in.

Why would anyone want to escape from here?

The one who did is in the work station, no doubt planning his next escape.

Hello, Sylvester.

Hi.

-What's he constructing? -We don't know.

He builds all kinds of extraordinary things.

For all kinds of extraordinary purposes.

Just look at that intensity.

There's no other baby like Sylvester.

HEEP: Well, maybe one.

ELENA: His twin, Whit? (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING) Whit!

Uh-oh, oh, mayday! Mayday!

Whitley, where is helper number one?

Give me the lug wrench. Whit, hurry up.

Go! On the double!

(GRUNTS) Ah, oh!

Uh-oh!

Oh, mama!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Oh, mama.

Mama.

Listen, you monkey.

This is a monkey wrench! (WHIT LAUGHING)

Plumber's helper number one, you're fired. Get out of town.

(WHIT LAUGHING)

(PLAYING THE KEYBOARD)

ELENA: What is that terrible noise?

Noise to us.

But the computers analyze every possible permutation.

What we hear as incoherent noise may actually be a musical masterpiece.

Listen to our computer's interpretation of Basil's playing.

(PLAYING KEYBOARD)

That's remarkable.

It has all the complexities of a symphony by Haydn or Beethoven.

If that's the case it's possible that what we hear as baby talk is actually conversation.

Exactly, and look at this. A child writing on a pad, right?

No.

After checking all languages we found out they're writing the cuneiform language.

Not only, they speak their own language they understand all others.

Now watch this.

(BABY TALKING)

Subject One speaks, and we immediately see activity here in the lower limbic region while Subject Two, as he listens is active in the forebrain.

These babies are having a conversation. We just don't understand them.

The instant a child begins to speak in any known language the limbic activity ceases.

As though they forget.

Exactly. Bobbins was right.

What if the limbic activity is not merely speech?

What if it's stored knowledge from an early-parent gene pool?

Passed from generation to generation.

Amazing!

They may know the secrets of the universe.

The greatest breakthrough in history of science!

Revolutionize a human map.

If we find the key to the human mind every child will be educated in Kinder method.

Every great mind will be ours to mold.

(PHONE RINGING)

Let's get them all into the amphitheatre.

(BABY TALKING)

Hello, my little baby geniuses.

What are we discussing today?

Could it be postmodern ethical construction?

How about the mechanics of human knowledge?

Ah!

My little Sly one.

Ah...

Sly, tell me what are you thinking?

Come on. You can look at me.

What are you thinking?

What are you saying?

Enlighten me, my little Einstein.

What do you think? Should I enlighten her?

She won't understand.

She doesn't speak our language.

But go ahead. Have fun.

Lead us through the wilderness, my little warrior.

All right, all right. That does it.

Doc, if you're gonna talk out of your ass all the time maybe you should wear a bow tie on your butt. (CHILD LAUGHING)

Bow tie? On her butt?

(LAUGHING)

On her butt?

(LAUGHING)

That's disgusting, Sylvester.

Huh...

You know, you think because I don't understand you, I don't understand what's going on.

Don't be too sure about that, honey.

Yeah, right. And don't call me honey.

Okay, Sly man, one.

Dr. Kinder, zip.

You're always busting her chops.

Are you kidding? Give me a break. She's Darth Vader in a skirt.

Dr. Kinder's our benefactor.

Because of her, there will be a new order and we will be its leaders.

Don't have a cow, Basil.

Why do you talk like that?

Your syntax is atrocious.

It's because he watches TV all the time.

How does he do that?

He converts the monitors.

You ought to all watch TV.

Check out the real world, like Jerry Springer.

And have fun.

This is exactly what Dr Kinder is trying to overcome.

Moral decay.

Now you sound like Heep.

Discipline, discipline, discipline.

(ALL LAUGHING) Reward and deprive.

Give the babies a crumb. Take it away.

Like Pavlov's dogs. Hold up the bone, the doggies salivate.

If they behave, give them a little gristle.

If you don't like it why don't you just leave?

He'll just take the next bus.

Duh!

You're such a weasel, Basil.

Nice face, weasel.

Ugh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

You fool. Dr Heep is watching.

Don't mess with the Sly man, Heepster.

(SNAPS)

We're back!

Dickie?

Dickie?

Where is he?

Carrie? Whit?

The kids aren't here.

Wait a minute. Hello?

Anybody? (CHILDREN LAUGHING)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING) Whit? Is that you?

Oh!

What's this mess? Look at this water.

Hey, mom, no fraternizing with the help!

Carrie, look at you. You are soaking wet.

You are soaking wet. And look at Whit.

(BABY TALKING)

Yes.

You know what? You two go for a swim and Uncle Lenny and I are gonna have a little talk, okay?

This water here on the floor. Is it dangerous?

Uh... Please. The power's out, anyway.

-The power's out? -Yeah.

Great. Where's Dickie?

I don't know.

Oh, nice do, Dickie.

You look like Mount Pepto-Bismol just erupted.

Pink is cosmic, all right?

For the last time, my name ain't Dickie.

It's Ice Pick. Would you people get that straight?

Ice Pick I love the creativity and imagination that you've displayed here but no matter how outrageous you act or you dress I'm not gonna fire you. So give it a rest.

Love you, pal. Grab a mop.

He could use that pink one he's got on his head.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Don't worry. He's just acting out. We'll bring him around.

Can you tell me why we're doing this again?

I promised Dan's brother we'd get him through one job without getting canned.

I wish I could afford a makeover like that.

These are the bills that have to be paid this month but this baby is actually a check made out to your business for 34 big ones.

Dollars, that is.

Why don't you collect from some of these stiffs?

Their kids spend more time here than they do at home.

What about Aunt Elena?

One ring off Elena's finger, you could run this place forever.

That being said, I'm resigning. Effective immediately.

"Ice Pick". I like that, but it's a little commonplace.

What about "Ice Pick the Great" or "Saint Ice Pick"?

Or "The Great and Powerful Wizard of Ice Pick"?

Very funny. Seven on a scale of a thousand.

Nose Pick, let me ask you a question.

Why cut new holes? Why not close up some of the old ones like your mouth?

What is that, an old hippie joke?

Ah... Wrong answer. Don't you kids try that at home.

Margo, don't pull on Dickie's earring, okay? Grow up.

Yeah.

Ice Pick is right. Auntie Elena should help.

You're not supposed to call her "auntie".

-Just Elena. -WHIT: What's it matter?

They can't understand me.

He does so much good. I wish we could help.

I tried. I gave him that idea subliminally about a new wing.

What's that do?

Increase their disposable income by a factor of four at least.

Oh!

Oh!

Honey! Honey.

-Did you hear that? Tell me you heard that. -What?

Whit. He just said, clear as a bell

"By a factor of four at least."

And I understood it.

This is so great.

It was in their language, but that was the phrase.

Those were the words, "By a factor of four".

-Beats the hell out of "dada". -Wait a second, I've got it.

-You got it? -Right here on tape.

-He's got it. -Let's see it.

Oh, boy, home movies.

(LAUGHING)

He understood our language.

-Uh-oh. -Uh-oh?

Is that all you have to say?

Okay. Let me think.

He's going to want us to explain the secrets of the universe.

That could be a real problem.

Hmm...

Well, you're in trouble again, Sylvester.

Now go to sleep, or it's Valium for you, pal.

There you are. You got that lock thing?

I've got the security bonder.

Yeah, right. Okay, Sly man I've got that surprise I promised you.

Let's see you get out of this one, Houdini.

Dumb and Dumber.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

(BEEPING)


Lock and load.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(REWINDING)

(BEEPING)

Say "Cheese".

Cheese!

We're currently experiencing technical difficulties.

What the hell?

It's too easy.

What do you got?

A temporary loss of transmission in Quadrant 4.

Lexi?

Lexi?

You're out.

Come with me.

I want to, but I'm too scared.

I'll take you to a mall.

A mall?

Really?

I can't.

Wait a minute.

I heard something. You better go.

Bye.

Take care of yourself.

I'll miss you.

Quadrant 2's down now.

Don't be late, babe.

Five, four, three two, one.

Diaper Express. Right on time.

Ugh!

Diaper gravy.

Well, give me liberty or give me death.

Not exactly aromatherapy. Ugh!

I should've taken death.

(BABY TALKING)

Yeah, well, there it is in plain English.

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

It sounds like baby talk, but he's saying, "By a factor of four at least".

How can you tell?

It's like this language that I used to speak, and I've just forgotten it except for once in a while.

I believe you, honey. Really, I do.

Can I go home now?

Yeah, but remember one thing, Nosebleed.

Dennis Rodman can afford to look like road kill.

He gets 18 rebounds a game.

(LENNY LAUGHING) Yeah.

Sweet dreams, robo-entertainers, I don't wanna hear any snoring.

How were the crowds?

20,000 maniacs disguised as kids. How do you think they were?

We had some glitches with Bunting. Bring up his schematic.

Coming up.

-Man, this new sequence... -Wow...

The world's biggest video game.

WOMAN: The tracking software needs to be recompiled.

If you don't have any dirty diapers for me, -I'll get back to work. -Dive, dive!

-Come on. I'm looking bad. -CARRIE: He tries so hard.

I hope when I go over and speak their language, I'll remember to thank him.

How could you thank him?

When you cross over, you won't remember anything you know now.

Wait a minute. I got a great idea.

Have you said "Dada" or "Mama" yet?

No, that's so stupid. I've decided the first time I speak, I'm gonna quote the Gettysburg Address flat out.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

No, you gotta say "Dada". Say it. He'll go nuts!

He'll call Mom and they'll both go nuts.

Uh, I don't know.

You gotta say it. Come on, do it.

Oh, okay. I'll do it.

(WHIT LAUGHING)

Dada!

Dada!

(WHIT LAUGHING) Dada! Dada!

Dada!

* Joy to the world, the Lord has come *

You said "Dada".

DAN: She said "Dada"! I got it on video. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I can't believe it! I missed it! She said "Dada"!

-Where is she? -Come on, girl. Where is she?

Oh, my little sweetie.

Oh, my little doll.

-Told you. -ROBIN: Say "Dada".

-Can you say "Mama"? -Watch this. Mama!

Ah!

She said it!

-She said it! -She did, she did.

Phew... What are you feeding those kids anyway?

Too much.

-Happy trails. -Okay, take care.

Diaper gravy.

Whoa!

Oh!

Wow! This is awesome!

Where are the chicks?

Huh?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

SLY: Hasta la vista, baby.

DRIVER: Hey!

(HORN BLARING)

All right! Look out, world.

Sly man's here!

The night is young. And so am I.

Ew!

Diaper gravy.

(HORN BLARING)

-Yeesh. -Having that strange feeling again?

Yeah. Like somebody's calling me.

Uh-oh.

It sure happens a lot. What are they saying?

I don't know. But it sure is scary.

(DOG BARKING)

(YELPING)

(DOG BARKING)

(GROANS)

Whose little boy are you?

(SCREAMING)

(WHIT SCREAMING)

(WHIT CRYING) -Whit, what's wrong? -What is it, sweetie?

Hey, come here.

DAN: Did something scare you? ROBIN: Aww!

Come on.

Oh, yes.

-Let's take you upstairs. -It's almost bedtime. Let's go.

Down to the last cleaning person, you have passed the most stringent security check ever devised!

You each receive salaries 10 times that of similar positions in other companies.

Why?

You are part of the most momentous experiment in the history of corporate research and development!

You are entrusted with that knowledge and the responsibility that goes with it.

And you have failed that responsibility.

Now I don't care how, or what you do.

Get Sylvester back.

Yes, sir, you're someone's little boy, all right.

And there's going to be a reward, and I'm going to be the rewardee.

I'm going to take real good care of you.

Reward? Hell, forget reward.

Let's talk ransom. Yeah, that's what we'll do.

Ransom and easy street.

And if they don't come through...

Well, let's not think about that.

(GRUNTS)

Looking good.

Ah!

(SLY LAUGHING)

Ooh!

Oh!

Come back when you're ready to play in the bigs.

I gotta get a disguise.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening to you.

What? This is a fashion statement.

-You see that? -Yes.

-It looked like a kid. -Uh-oh.

That's a baby.

This disguise sucks.

Yo, taxi!

Hey, babe. Where are we going?

Since I can't walk, I guess we're going wherever my mother's going.

Is that friendly?

What does this look like? The welcome wagon?

Look, I got a problem.

Take off your clothes.

Okay, but at least you could take me to dinner first.

Oi, a comedian. Yikes!


Who designed this dress? Larry, Moe and Curly?

Call me.

Oh, no. It's Elena's goons.

Sheesh!

Don't forget, I'm listed.

Merry Christmas, Morty. See you tomorrow.

Good night, boss.

Sure glad she wasn't wearing heels.

One umbrella, one. Two umbrella, two.

-Let's go upstairs to the zoo. -Good night, Amanda.

-There you see a horse that's blue. -Good night, Rachel.

-Big old steed with one white shoe. -Sweet dreams.

Ooh, that was beautiful.

Sleep tight, you guys.

Yeah, there we go.

We'll watch them till you come up.

-Why don't we have another? -What?

Baby.

I tell you what.

You carry it for four and a half months and I'll carry it for four and a half months. Deal?

Deal. Let's start now.

Oh, honey.

Oh, honey. (LAUGHS)

Honey, we adopted Whit because we thought that we couldn't have children of our own.

And then we had Carrie. She was our little miracle baby.

And miracles can re-occur.

Well, let's not talk about that right now, okay?

Maybe next year.

Now, sweetheart love of my life, father of my children.

Did you tell Mr. Wilson that we wanted a $50,000 loan for a new wing?

Oh, yeah, that.

Oh, yeah, that.

I meant to show you something.

We're three months behind on the mortgage.

-I know, I know. -We have to go to the bank and beg.

I just want you to look at some numbers.

Right now we get $300 a month for each

-baby in the research program, right? -Right.

Right. If we take in 10 more babies we qualify as a Chapter 40 research corporation and then we get $900 a baby.

-900? -That's right.

So...

The 10 new babies, our six that's 14,400 a month, 2,000 a month for the loan.

Even with more help, we'll still operate above break-even.

We can do more research, take in more babies, (CHUCKLES) lose less money.

This is amazing. This actually makes sense.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

You don't have a single cell in your entire brain devoted to business.

How did you come up with this?

Actually, I don't think I did.

I think it was Whit.

Whit told you this business plan?

Well, not tell exactly. It was just It came to me.

When I was working with him, it kind of jumped out of his brain (CHUCKLES) and landed in mine.

I went to the pamphlets. It works.

-Kid knows his business. -Yeah.

Got some better news.

What?

It was the night before Christmas, and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Or a kid.

Or a toddler.

Okay, Charlie, they're all out for the night. Lock it up.

Sly's in the house!

King of the mall!

Macy's.

Damn! I didn't bring my credit cards.

Shop till you drop.

(GRUNTS)

Video games. My kingdom for some video games.

(EXCLAIMS)

What have I got?

(SLY LAUGHING)

Baby Guess.

I can get out of drag.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Yes!

Smoking!

He shoots. He scores! Yeah!

Yo, yo, yo!


(WHIT HUMMING)

-World Facts for 800, please. -Answer... Daily Double.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

You're close to the lead.

Donna moved ahead a while ago, but you're just $100 away.

I'll wager 1,100, please.

All right, for a $1,000 lead, here's the clue in World Facts.

"Discovered by David Livingstone, Botswana's Lake Ngami

"lies in the northern part of this desert."

What is the Kalahari?

What is the Gobi?

-No, wrong part of the world. -Ahhh!

What is the Kalahari? The Kalahari in Africa. (SLY LAUGHING)

All right, that takes you to 4,800. Pick again.

Do you think we've lived before?

I don't know, honey. That's your area.

The Tibetans believe that when we're born again we retain universal knowledge for the first two years.

Then we learn to talk and we forget it all.

They call it "Crossing over".

I'm doing a crossword here. Universal knowledge can wait.

No, just think.

What if our babies have all the answers to life?

I'd settle for 28 across. What was it that Miss Muffet sat on again?

Her tuffet.

What the hell is a tuffet anyway?

You got me.

When you tap into universal knowledge, you find out and let me know.

(DAN LAUGHING)

Lexi, you should've been here, kid.

(SIGHS)


(BABY TALKING)

Oh, what? You never heard of Weight Watchers?

Diaper rodeo! Diaper rodeo! On your mark.

Get set. Go!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

-Here goes Old Faithful. -Sprang a leak!

Come here, sweetie.

-Ah, a winner. A winner. -Time!

Hey! Rotator cuff, rotator cuff injury.

Om nama vasudeva.

Om nama vasudeva.

Om nama vasudeva.

May the wrath of Shiva descend upon you.

Stick to your rapping, Ice Shtick and leave the wisecracks to the people with IQs over 40.

It's not rap. It's mantra.

Junior, I was chanting mantras before you were born.

You were chanting mantras before Buddha was born.

Pretty.

That's pretty good.

Christmas shopping. Pray for me.

-Want me to take the kids? -No, no.

You can leave Carrie. I'm going to run some stats.

Okay, come here.

-You're going to love it. -A car.

That's a car. You can't have a car for Christmas.

It's a little too expensive. Well, maybe a little dinky car would be good.

What the hell was that? I think I just had a kid.

MALE GOON 1: BABYCO 1, he's been spotted at the mall.

He's heading your way.

Uh-oh, busted.

Shh...

Right up to the tunnel.

Go on.

MALE GOON 2: We're on him.

Psst... Hey, buddy.

(SLY LAUGHING)

Come on, kid.

Give it up.

(SLY LAUGHING)

SLY: I hope you got a kick out of that.

Whit?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Whittie, you there?

Over here.

-Move. -No.

ROBIN: Sweetie?

You still in there? Where'd he go?

Whit?

Whit, what was that scream? Was that you?

Sweetie, what are you looking at?

I thought we dressed you in overalls. That's strange.

Oh, my little sugar.

Were you scared again?

Come on, I know what's gonna cheer you up. Mommy knows.

(SNIFFLING)

Tears?

Could this be guilt for threatening our great work?

Put him down.

I want you all to see this boy who has jeopardized everything we've worked for.

(CRYING)

Serves him right.

Why don't you go talk to your computers, Basil? They understand you.

They don't like him either.

All right, Sylvester, go to your room.

We'll settle this later.

For heaven's sakes, someone get him out of my sight!

(BABY TALKING)

Whoa, I've never seen him like this before, go run some of that off, honey.

Watch out for that rope.

You know, I gave him a couple of slurps of my ice cream and he just went nuts.

(SLY WHOOPING)

Dan, come out here.

(SLY LAUGHING)

Yeah...

I don't know what you feed him, but where can I get some?

What?

How does he do that?

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

Sugar high. You should've seen him at Baskin-Robbins.

We've been banned for life.

Well, he seems okay.

I'll have a talk with him.

(CRYING)

What is wrong with you?

I'm the executive director of a madhouse.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

(WHIT CRYING)

What's wrong?

Nothing ever scares Sly.

I just want him to stop crying.

She's still upset, honey.

It's all right. Just go to sleep, Carrie. (DAN LAUGHING)

You'll be all right.

Okay, you sleep tight.

Okay.

First Whit, and now Carrie. Must be contagious.

Yeah.

Night, guys.

Had any of those weird feelings lately?

-What? -You heard me.

Lighten up, will you?

You're not my brother.

You fooled my mom and dad, but you don't fool me.

What do you mean?

-You're not my brother. -Don't be dumb.

Jerk.

She's gonna be trouble.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

Play. I'll be watching you.

Want to swing? I'll push you.

I don't want to.

Tell us what happened.

I was at the playground with my mom...

With your what?

He's delusional.

You're such a putz, Basil.

(BASIL SIGHS) Ignore him.

Go on.

And I climbed up the slide and I bumped into this other kid and when I got up, it was me.

What do you mean, it was you?

The other boy. He looked just like me. (SNIFFLES)

What's your name?

Whit.

Oh, boy.

Don't worry, Whit. It'll be all right.

Dr. Kinder will take you back to your mother.

She'll do no such thing.

Don't you see?

Dr. Kinder arranged for the Bobbins to adopt Whit for just this purpose.

A twin progressive, comparative experimentation.

What's he talking about?

We don't know, and we're geniuses.

It means Dr. Kinder let that quack, Bobbins raise Whit while she raised Sylvester to demonstrate the superiority of the Kinder method.

And wait till she finds out the twins have been switched.

She'll realize she has an opportunity for a living cross-evaluation.

He's at it again.

Obviously Sly, swine though he is is superior to this Whit individual.

Gee, thanks.

-She wouldn't do that. -Do what?

Keep a child from its mother just to prove her theory.

Oh, really?

Get Dr. Kinder down here.

Tell me, who is this?

That's Sylvester. His brain synapses fire at a rate of about 40% above normal.

So that's Sly, right?

Look at this little person's voiceprint.

So?

Compare it to this voiceprint taken from Sly last week.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, no.

Oh!

Those imbeciles!

Sly?

Sly?

Whit?

Oh!

You idiots!

You imbeciles! You morons!

-You cretins! You, you... -Boring.

-You... -Traitors.

No, not idiots, no.

Oh!

You wonderful, brilliant assemblage.

You have given me the greatest gift of my entire life our own living cross-evaluation!

Told you.

Brown nose.

(CHUCKLES)

Give them all a raise.

Brilliant.

I feel so warm and motherly.

I think I'll go visit my darling niece.

And the mother of the year is...

Start the comparative tests on Whit immediately.

We'll see how Sylvester's doing among the peasants.

How can she do this?

Don't you understand?

Dr. Kinder is acting for the greater good.

Maybe it's all right for us, but Whit has a mom and dad.

What's wrong with you?

She's not going to keep Whit forever.

Yeah, sure, Basil.

This is Dr. Kinder we're talking about not Dr. Frankenstein.

(MOANING)

Teddy, what is it?

I feel funny.

What's wrong?

She's crossing over.

She's going to be one of the grown-ups now.

Don't worry. This is the way it's supposed to be.

You'll all cross over soon.

Bye.

Don't go, Teddy.

My God, look at that.

Two years old and the limbic activity is slowing down.

The frontal lobes are taking over. We were right.

Will she remember us?

No, she's one of them now.

Dan, we can't be late.

They're late. They're late for a very important date.

Your mom and dad are off trying to save the farm. Hip, hip, hooray!

Oh, you sweethearts. Thank you.

-Thanks, all of you. -Thank you.

Here, you take her.

-(LAUGHING) -My little angel. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Who's there?

Let's go see.

Elena?

Ooh, ooh...

Come on, I'll make you breakfast, pancakes in the shape of a witch.

Still getting your help from the work-release program, I see.

Give Dr. Kinder a nice big kiss.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Whit...

Very nice.

Mm-hmm.

(SIGHS) I love coming to this house.

There's just something about it that's so...

Uh...

Homey.

-We were just going out. -You were going out?

Tell me, how is Whit? Is he talking yet?

Actually, two days ago we had some communication in pre-language talk.

Really?

We caught it on video.

On video?

DAN: I've translated several whole sentences.

Whole sentences?

I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't we take Whit to the lab? With your gift for pre-language and our technology, I'm sure we can skip a step or two.

What?

(BABY TALKING)

Slow down, pal. What?

Don't do it.

Wow!

What? What'd he say?

"Don't do it."

That's ridiculous.

What are you saying?

They've got Whit.

Woah, woah, wait a minute.

Who's got Whit? You're Whit.

-Go on. -Can't.

That's all I'm getting.

Isn't that amazing?

I must be running along. I have some serious, important matters that I have to attend to. Goodbye, Whit.

Oh, hives. She's up to something.

-What is going on with you today? -We got to go. Margo.

-You okay, sweetie? You look a little sad. -Ooh, ooh, we do have to go.

-Margo. -Carrie, go back with the babies.

Get me Dr Heep on the phone immediately.

I don't care what he's doing. Get him on the phone now!

Jonathan, I want two of our best men sent down here now.

No! You idiot. No, listen to me.

Dan is beginning to understand both of them.

And if he does, then we go to prison.

We have to have them both. We can't switch them.

Mm-hmm, I want you to rest here a little minute, okay?

Here we go. There you go.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Oh, mama.

Margo!

-Margo! -Margo will be right back.

Dickie!

Keep an eye on that boy now.

You want to tell us about it?

Yeah, I guess so.

What now?

You have to ask? It's the power.

If this house was a dog, we'd have it put to sleep.

(MARGO LAUGHING)

Well, would you look at that? The sun is setting in that boy's pants.

He wishes.

Nice work there, Dickie. (LAUGHING)

Real classy.

So I'm fired, right?

Fat chance. Change your shirt and check on the babies.

-A lot of Van Gogh in that kid. -Yeah.

His ear is still intact.

-You're weird. Okay. -Check on the power.

You just let them take your brother?

-It didn't even bother you? -It bothered me.

There just wasn't anything I could do to help him.

(BABY TALKING)

We're tracing the power outage, and this property may be the source.

-What can we do to help? -We need access to your hookup.

Ray, why don't you check the basement? I'll look upstairs.

-Dickie, show this man... -What's going on? Who is that?

It's Elena's goons. They're after me.

Into the bedroom. Hurry up.

What's a goon?

-So how long have you been into self-mutilation? -Huh?

We all need a hobby.

How many bedrooms on this floor?

-Four. -And on the third floor?

-Five. -Dickie.

I want you to go down, get my partner and tell him I need a hand.

Keep an eye on the babies.

My pleasure.

SLY: Brilliant, Dickie. Why didn't you just stuff me in a suitcase for him?

CARRIE: Close the door.


You must be Sylvester.

I heard about you and your karate.

I'm a black belt.

Care to try me, son?

Oh, no. I'd be too scared.

Now, I guess you expect me to step over this ski and you'll jump on the end, and the end will hit me in the gonads.

I'll scream and make a funny face fall down the stairs. Is that right?

Well, I think you've been seeing too many bad movies, pal.

Because I'm just going to step around the ski.

Just how stupid do you think I am?

Pretty stupid.

(GRUNTING)

SLY: Gee, I bet that felt good.

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

What happened?

Sly kicked him right in the forbidden zone.

ALL: Oh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

What's going on?

Looks like a work-related injury.

I better go up and see what happened.

Tough guy, huh?

Well, you're about to meet your worst nightmare.

Goon, that is some lame dialog.

(LAUGHING)

You really think I'm gonna walk over that ski, and you're gonna jump on the end?

And that ski's gonna come up and hit me in the gonads, and I'm gonna scream and make a funny face and fall down the stairs?

(CHUCKLES) I don't think so.

Cross your legs and smile.

(GOON GROANS) (FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

No.

(BOTH GROANING)

(SIGHS)

You don't mess with the Sly man.

(GRUNTING)

Driver! BABYCO, right away.

Jonathan, I want the laboratory stripped. Disappear, understand?

I want bare walls.

You told me before that Whit used to get weird feelings.

Yeah, like someone was calling him.

Yep, I think that was me.

BOTH: Oh.

All right everybody, sit on the floor in a circle.

CARRIE: Sit on the floor? In a circle?

What part of that don't you understand?

Bare walls, I want this place stripped in three hours, you got that, bare walls.

Look. Suppose he does break through?

Nobody will be able to understand Sylvester.

-Who's gonna believe Bobbins? -Oh, don't be an idiot.

All he has to do is take Sylvester to the Mercy hospital where the twins were born. For God...

Would you be careful? And ask for a handprint validation.

After that, they'll know we haven't got Whit, they've got Sly.

And my darling niece will have a search warrant and half the police force here in less than an hour!

Bare walls! Bare walls in three hours!

-Move it! -What are you doing? Get a move on!

What's he doing?

Dr. Kinder's not taking him back to his parents.

I don't believe it.

Not Dr. Frankenstein, huh?

She's gonna move him tonight. And we've got to help.

All right, they're coming.

Who's coming?

Sly and the kids. They're coming to break us out.

-When? -Tonight.

Listen, we could cross over at any time, and then she wins.

Either you're with her, or with us.

I'm with you.

-We're with you Whit. -Basil, decide.

Decide now.

Let's kick butt!

Okay. He's with us.

(CHEERING)

I think we've got company.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, Ice Dork, the mind's a terrible thing to waste.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Come on, troops. Move it.

What are we gonna do?

-We're gonna train. -We're going on a train!

ALL: Yay!

Oy, vey.

Up, down, up, down.

This is pathetic.

Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two, three, four.

You call those jumping jacks? More like jumping jerks.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Hold it!

This isn't working.

Well, what do you expect?

We're geniuses, not ninjas.

Dig deeper, guys. I need warriors. Now move out.

Under the net. Under the net!

What?

-Hiya! -Wow!

Ow!

Move! Move! Move!

Oops.

Karate.

Hopeless.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Hiya! Huah!

Now let's concentrate. Okay, one at a time.

One at a time! One at a time!

This is harder than I thought.

BABY: It's my turn.

BABY: It's my turn.

Perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

All right, we have to use our secret weapon.

And what's that?

Duby, what is it adults fear most about babies?

Dirty diapers. (WHIT SIGHS)

You're wrong.

Well, they make those stupid faces when they change our diapers.

(BASIL LAUGHING)

Dirty diapers. That's funny.

Mm-hmm. It's our intelligence.

We have to use our intelligence.

That's it.

All right, everybody. Follow me.

(MARCHING DRUM BEATS)

(SNORING)

All right, everybody. Take your places.

Move it.

Malcolm, take the flank.

Joey, over here with us.

(SNORING)

BABY: Sly, do I have time to go potty?

SLY: The potty? You're wearing the potty.

Put it on hold. This is much more important.

Easy for you to say.

You are in my power.

You will obey my commands.

What are you trying to do?

I have a theory that grownups remember our language in their subconscious.

If I'm right I can hypnotize him.

You are in my power.

You will obey my commands.

Before I take the babies home I will drive to BABYCO.

Everything depends on my driving to BABYCO.

You are in my power.

You will obey my commands.

Let's see if we've really got him.

Lenny, raise your arm.

Oh.

All right.

Make him stick out his tongue.

Okay. Stick out your tongue.

(BABIES LAUGHING)

Make him wiggle his tongue.

Ugh. Okay.

Now, wiggle your tongue.

(BABIES LAUGHING)

Sly, make him pick his nose. Go on.

Yeah, Come on, Sly. Make him pick it.

Ugh. That's gross.

-Do it. Yeah, make him. -Make him pick his nose.

All right. Pick your nose now.

Pick it. Pick it.

Lenny.

Dickie!

When I snap my fingers you'll wake up.

(GASPS)

Lenny, wake up. Time to take the kids home.

Get their jackets on them. We leave here in 30 minutes.

Lenny!

I'm up!

All right, move out.

Dickie... Where is that boy?

Boy, this is not your lunch break.

All right, Ice Pick. Hop to it.

Come on, Carrie.

Aren't you coming?

No, I got a job to do here.

ALL: I don't know but I've been told, Eskimo girls are mighty cold.

Dr. Kinder is a son of a gun, got cooties and they weigh a ton.

One, two, three, four. One, two three, four.

-We got it! We got it, Margo! -We did it!

-Lenny! -Where is everybody?

Whit! Whit!

You got what? An eviction notice?

No, no, we get the whole ball of wax.

The loan, everything, we're gonna find out tomorrow. Where is everybody?

Out delivering the kids. Carrie is having a snack.

Is everything okay?

I don't know. Something weird's going on.

I got a bad feeling.

Mrs. Dexter?

He hasn't?

Randy hasn't gotten home yet.

-Okay. I'll get right on it. -It's late.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello!

Mrs. Walters? Yeah...

I know. Well, we're checking into it.

It's probably a flat tire.

Okay, I'll phone you back.

I'll phone the bus. (PHONE RINGING)

Bobbins' bus.

Lenny... Where are you?

BOTH: We have a vitally important errand at BABYCO.

We have a vitally important errand at BABYCO.

We have a vitally important errand at BABYCO.

What did he say?

They had a vitally important errand at BABYCO.

Dickie was kind of saying it along with him.

Like a song-and-dance team?

I don't know. They sound like robots.

What kind of errand could they possibly have at BABYCO?

(BABBLING)

Carrie!

(BABY TALKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

What is it, honey?

-Hello? -ROBIN: What?

Yes, Mrs. Skyla.

I think she's trying to tell us something about Whit.

-He's in the bathroom. -Quack, quack.

What are you trying to tell us?

He went off with a duck?

What is it, sweetie?

BABYCO.

Hello. Mrs. Hebutis.

Concentrate, Daddy.

You can do it, Daddy. You can do it.

Try.

Go on. I'm getting it.

Connect with your inner child.

-Try harder. Danger! -What?

-What? -Whit has a twin brother called Sly.

He's been here for the last two days.

-What? -What "What"?

Sly and Whit got switched at the mall.

And Dr. Kinder kept Whit in her secret lab to experiment on.

Oh, my God!

-What? -She says Elena has a secret lab.

I don't believe this. Whit and Sly got switched.

What? Who's Sly?

She's getting rid of the lab and moving the babies to Liechtenstein.

Liechtenstein? Oh, my God!

Liechtenstein? What Liechtenstein?

I'll tell you on the way.

Sweetie, do you know all the secrets to life?

Sure, piece of cake. I'll explain when you get back.

-What's with the Liechtenstein? -I'll tell you.

Liechtenstein. I hate Liechtenstein!

Hello? 911? This is an emergency.

What is the nature of this emergency?

There's been a kidnapping.

And who's been kidnapped?

My son.

How old is he? Who kidnapped him?

He's almost 2, and his great-aunt did it yesterday at the mall.

His great-aunt kidnapped him at the mall yesterday?

-Right. -And you're just reporting it?

She switched him for his twin brother.

She switched him with his twin?

-How do you know this? -My daughter told me.

How old is she?

Eighteen months.

-I know this sounds strange. -No, sir.

I get this kind of call all the time.

Now, let me get this straight.

Your 18-month-old daughter told you that her great-aunt kidnapped your son by trading him for his twin at the mall?

-Is that about it? -Listen.

This woman is moving all of the babies to a secret lab in Liechtenstein!

A secret lab in Liechtenstein?

Well, that is serious.

Give me your name, sir, and I'll get you all the help you need.

-She thinks I'm nuts. -Well, no wonder.

911?

Now listen. You know that BABYCO building?

There's a bomb in there, and we're going to blow those little suckers to Venus!

You wanted cops? You got cops.

The magnificent Sly and the Bobbins' babies have a vitally important errand at BABYCO.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Security personnel, report to stations.

What are you doing?

The magnificent Sly and the Bobbins' babies have a vitally important errand at BABYCO.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Hey!

What's up, doc?

Well, well, the resourceful Mr. Sly.

Go! Go! Move!

I don't know who your friends were, Sly but I do know one thing.

You are mine.

See you in Joyworld, doc.

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

You know the drill. Take your places.

I'll be in the control center. Move out.

Yes!

Show me the money.

Fasten your seat belt, doc.

The ca-ca's gonna hit the fan.

Okay, robo-entertainers, where are you?

(TYPING)

Oh! Beautiful.

Where are you, big boy?

Okay, baby, nappy's over.

Come on, you can do it.

Give me five.

That's it. Cool.

Let's bring up some schematics.

Great, now for a little rewiring, boys.

And then let the games begin.

Bring my helicopter to the helipad at the back of Joyworld.

Hover and descend on my command.

Sly?

What can you hope to get from this, huh?

Just a little satisfaction, doc.

Okay, let's get ready to move out.

All right, Sly, come off it.

I know it's you.

Okay, brother, make your move.

Yep.

Sly!

All right. The fun is over.

Okay, boys, let's march.

Lights,

camera, action!

(ROARING)

Baby want a hug.

Baby want a hug.

-Get them, you fool! -Go!

Baby want a hug.

Baby want a hug.

What? No hug? Oh!

That make Baby Bunting mad.

Get the baby!

-Right cross. -Oh!

-Left hook. -Ah!

-(SCREAMING) -Whoa!

You the one, baby.

Okay, alien, a little target practice.

(GASPS)

Blew his brains out!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

(GRUNTING)

And a happy New Year.

(GIGGLING)

What's the matter with you guys? These are oversized dolls!

Go, clown.

You know the drill.

(BUZZING)

Lexi, kangaroo. Duby, ostrich.

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

Sylvester!

Oh, behave, baby!

Enjoy the ride, suckers!

(SCREAMING)


Not yet.

Not yet. Now!

(GRUNTING)

Whoa!

(GIGGLING)

Hiya!

Take him.

You take him. I saw what happened last time.

(SCREAMING)

All right. The Whit man's in the house.

(SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh!

Oh! Basil, out of the park.

All right, Lexi. Give me five, Basil.

Oh! We're out of here.

(ENGINE NOISE)

You don't mess with the Sly man, Heep.


No!

No!

(CRYING)

Stop! Stop!

It's you and me, Sly.

Mano a mano.

You know, you're a tremendous disappointment to me, Sylvester.

You never understood the importance of the work.

Why, you could've known greatness.

Instead, you're just gonna be another...

Another kid.

Oh!

-You are smart enough to keep your mouth shut? -(CRYING)

Need I say more?

Et tu, Basil?

And proud of it.

Ahhh!

Sly, I knew you'd come back for me.

Every time, kiddo.

Sly, are you okay?

I feel funny.

-Whit. -No, no. I think that's Sly. Sly, are you okay?

What way?

Helicopter.

-The helicopter pad? -Roof.

The roof? He's on the roof?

Oh, my God. Elena!

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

Here, take him.

All right, take him up.

-Elena! -Elena!

Dan!

Take it up, you fool! Up!

Up! Up!

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

No!

(GASPS)

Dan!

Dan, are you all right? Are you okay?

Mommy!

Mommy!

Aunt Elena!

(POLICE SIREN BLARING) No!

Auntie Elena!

POLICE MAN: Lower the chopper.

Lower the helicopter immediately.

Do it now.

This is your last warning.

Lower the chopper.

Officer, arrest this woman. She's insane!

She's trying to harm the babies.

Auntie Elena, you tell them or I swear to God.

For heaven's sakes, stop calling me that.

All right, I am not your aunt.

-You're not my aunt? -Your mother adopted you when you were 2 years old.

I was adopted?

Do you actually think that you and I come from the same gene pool?

Oh, thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you! Ah!

I felt terrible hitting my aunt like that.

Officer, that's my son.

-This is your child, ma'am? -I know my son.

It's here. Look at your daddy.

Look at you.

-Are you crossing over? -Yeah.

I think maybe I am.

-Maybe it won't be so bad. -Yeah.

There's just so much they don't know.

You're right about that.

But they try so hard.

You gotta love them.

I'll see you on the other side.

I feel kind of funny myself.

-See you. -Yeah.


Yes, ah!

Honey!

Honey!

It was a giant baby and a dinosaur.

-You started to remember... -Something about Dickie.

Dickie and Lenny. They were like song and dance team.

-Come on, something like that. -But the twins!

It was a secret lab.

Liechtenstein. Where are the boys?

-Everything's fine. -Yep, it's true. It's true.

Babies do talk. Now the whole world knows.

Only you understood them.

Whit and Sly. They can tell us everything.

-Guys. -(SCREAMING)

-Hey, twins! We've got twins. -Oh, yeah.

Okay, guys, tell me the secrets of life.

Come on, Sly, what's up? What's going on out there?

They've crossed over. Honey!

What? You've crossed over? Oh, no!

No secrets of life. No universal knowledge.

Hey wait a minute. Carrie knows it. Come here, Carrie.

-Right. -Come here, honey.

Hey, come here, sweetie.

Come on. Tell me everything.

Come on. (LAUGHING)

Come on, honey.

Oh, Gee, another Kodak moment.

Oh, I get it.

You're not gonna tell me a thing, are you?

Nope.

Honey, I think she's trying to tell you this is the way things are supposed to be.

Okay.

No secrets of life.

You want to see the real secret of life?

Take a look.

(SONG PLAYING)


Okay, that's a wrap! You're out of here, Sly.

If they think I'm doing the sequel for less than 20 mil, they're nuts