Bachelor in Paradise (1961) Script

[Crunch]

♪ When she sighs ♪

♪ And her baby-blue eyes embrace your face ♪

♪ Lies, all lies ♪

♪ What the lady wants is your closet space ♪

♪ Bachelor ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

♪ Be careful ♪

♪ Bachelor ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

♪ Beware ♪

♪ Lights down low ♪

♪ Frankie's records and cocktails on the floor ♪

♪ You should know ♪

♪ It's the garden of Eden scene once more ♪

♪ Adam ♪

♪ Come on, be smart ♪

♪ Just take your fig leaf ♪

♪ And depart ♪

♪ And leave one bachelor less ♪

♪ In paradise ♪


These days, as you may have noticed, many a motion picture opens with a scene which rightly belongs somewhere in the middle of the story,

but this picture opens where the story begins, somewhere in the south of France.

Pardonnez-moi, madame.

Chapter seven-- "the French widow."

The mature French woman has elevated the physical act of kissing to an artistic level unattained by any other society.

Kissing an experienced French woman provides the average male with a sensation that compares favorably with, uh...

With, uh...

Pardon.

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur Niles.

A transatlantic call from your publisher.

Oh.

Pick it up right there.

Hello? Hello, Austin?

I've had you paged all over France.

I've been calling all night, and all I can get from the operator is that you're out or your line's engaged, whatever that is.

It's noon here, and I haven't had breakfast yet.

Dear lad, how are you?

Hard at work.

I'm up to chapter seven on how the French live.

How's it coming?

Fine. I'm two weeks ahead in research, four months behind in writing.

I'm afraid you'll have to fly back, Adam.

What? Why?

Because of the demands of the United States government-- a very large domestic organization.

I used to get my mail from them.

Is anything wrong?

Wrong? You're in serious difficulties, Adam, to be euphemistic about it.

I'll see you in Washington tomorrow afternoon.

In the middle of a book?

You're in the middle of a tornado, Adam.

Now, climb on that next jet out of Paris, and don't speak to a soul--no publicity.

Yes, but, Austin, it's not that-- in fact, if anybody asks, deny that you're a.J. Niles.

Use an alias-- your mother's maiden name.

Or was Niles your mother's maiden name?

Your innuendo is offensive.

What innuendo?

Uncle Sam has been calling you one for days.


$628,470?

According to our present calculations.

It may be more.

But I didn't earn that much.

Even the government can't take over 100%.

They subpoenaed me.

I had to give them the figures.

Mr. Niles, you've been overseas for 14 years.

You wrote a dozen books which grossed a total of $1,214,704.63.

But what about my expenses?

We have no record of any.

I sent them to my business manager.

I explained that, Adam.

You're responsible for the actions of your business manager, Mr. Niles.

Any idea where he ran off to?

Vanished like smoke.

I can't believe Herman Wappinger is dishonest.

That man wears piping on his vest.

In all the years that Mr. Wappinger has handled your affairs, he never once filed your income tax return.

Now, we're sympathetic, Mr. Niles, but this is a clear case of fraud.

My life's earnings down the drain, just because I was stupid enough to give Herman Wappinger my power of attorney.

I'm not only a criminal-- I'm a pauper.

You haven't a dime, Adam.

The department has attached all your royalties.

We had to, Mr. Niles. That's the law.

I know that law. It's called "instant poverty."

Put me in jail-- at least I can eat.

That won't be necessary.

Mr. palfrey posted your surety bond.

Oh, thanks, Austin.

Then I'm free to leave?

Free to leave this office, but not this country.

Thanks...

A million...

214 thousand...

704 dollars...

And 63 cents.

Shoo!

I'm an American citizen.

They can't force me to stay in this country.

Yes, they can, dear boy.

Until you pay back those $624,000, or until Herman Wappinger's conscience forces him to materialize.

Herman's probably on a yacht with four beautiful gals.

I hope he's taking notes.

Meanwhile, what do I do?

You could go to work.

I could go back to the sports desk--

$62.50 a week and passes for the dog show.

No. I have an idea-- your next book.

I haven't finished researching my last one.

Then you can start researching your next one-- how the Americans live.

You're joking.

A Niles'-eye view of America might be sensational.

If it's like your others, half of all Americans will buy it just to see what they've missed.

The other half will buy it to see what you've missed.

You've got to, Adam!

But how? How am I going to live?

I'll subsidize you-- your rent and...

$75 a week.

$75?

Don't go over budget just to save a life.

85--no more. Eat oatmeal instead of caviar.

It tastes terrible with champagne.

I'll need a secretary.

One ugly secretary.

One that can type, huh?

One more thing-- this is America.

Our attitude towards our women is different.

Sex hasn't gone out, has it?

No.

I'd heard it'd been replaced by television.

While you're here, no experiments with women.

How can I research?

Strictly by observation, dear boy.

If you get involved, no more allowance.

I'm in trouble enough.

I'll stay in bucks county.

Not typical.

Nowadays, the average American lives in a planned community-- a housing development.

Those tract things where they replace old slums with new slums?

Oh, they're more appealing than that.

Take, for example, paradise village.

Paradise village?

Yecch!

Sounds revolting.

It's a modern community in the San Fernando valley.

Who lives there-- Horses?

Fortunes have been made in such communities as paradise village.

I've invested a little myself.

And with the population growth in California, it forms a cross-section of the entire country.

I've arranged for a house for you there.

And you expect me to live there?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I better get my distemper shots.


You better wait for me.

My name is Adams. Jack Adams.

We've been expecting you.

My cab driver didn't know how to get to paradise.

He's an atheist.

Ha ha! Come right this way.

Uh...

Mr. Adams is here.

How do you do, Mr. Adams?

I'm Rosemary Howard.

You are? Well, what a pleasant surprise.

Oh? What were you expecting?

Well, frankly, nothing.

Your house is ready for you.

Won't you sit down?

Mr. palfrey said you weren't sure how long you'd stay, so it's a month- to-month lease, all right?

That'll be fine.

It's a standard form.

Don't you want to see the house first?

It'll be adequate.

You're sure?

It's the only one, isn't it?

Yes. We don't usually rent in paradise, but we hope you'll decide to buy here.

If you're selling, I'll buy.

A rental car will arrive tomorrow, but I'll take you over now if you like.

I'd love.

Let me pay the cab and get my bags.

Ahh!

Our Mr. Adams has arrived! Welcome to paradise, Adams!

Mr. Adams, this is Mr. Jynson-- developer and president of the tract.

Oh.

Well, you're a friend of Austin palfrey's, huh?

It's a pleasure to have you aboard.

You will find this truly is paradise.

Schools, churches, country club, playground, pool, shopping center.

As we say, a family can live a full and happy life in paradise and never leave the village.

They're allowed to, aren't they?

Oh, of course.

You and your family--

I don't have a family.

No family?

Mr. Adams is a bachelor?

Well, don't worry. It's not catching.

I know, but a bachelor in paradise-- you'll be the only one.

That sounds like fun.

I better pay my cab driver.

I'd hate to put him in a higher bracket.

[Mr. Jynson] Rosemary.

Ginny.

Does your mother know you're reading this trash?

I'm 18.

Rosemary, may I see you?

Would you show Mr. Adams to my car, please?

Crazy.

A Latin student, huh?

I'm not sure this is good.

He's a bachelor, and it's a family community.

I'm a bachelor, too.

You're a woman. That's different.

Why? I understand it takes a member of each sex.

You're a special case.

You're steering away from men-- and I wish you'd get over that, Rosemary.

We were discussing Mr. Adams.

When it comes to personal matters, I suggest you concern yourself more with your own domestic problems.

I didn't appreciate that remark.

Sorry, but if you weren't suspicious of every Tom, dick, and Harry, you and Dolores-- never mind Dolores.

Whose house did you get for Adams, huh?

Mine.

You rented him your house?

Mm-hmm. I moved in with old Mrs. Curtis.

She needed someone to care for her, anyway.

Why don't you think of yourself for a change?

A girl like you could have anything if she'd...

If she'd be sweet, charming...

Or just obliging to a man?

Just because of one unhappy experience-- that's all I needed.

I'm on my own, Tom, and I intend to stay that way.

Excuse me. Mr. Adams is waiting.

You're much more attractive than my last cab driver, Mrs. Howard.

Thank you, but it's miss Howard.

Miss?

Don't they harvest the crops around here?

Well, you're a bachelor.

But that's intentional. I mean, anytime-- oh, I know, but you may be more amazed to learn that some women remain single intentionally.

I think we'll hit it off.

When I left, if a man wanted a house, he built one-- That was that.

You must have been away a long time.

What's all that up there?

That's paradise hills, Mr. Jynson's new development, but he had to stop work on it awhile.

The minute I met him, I thought, "here's a man with an arrested development."

Mr. Jynson is a very intelligent businessman.

What's holding up paradise hills?

It's a personal matter, but only temporary.

Will you do your work in the valley or downtown?

At home.

I'll need a secretary for typing.

Is there anybody in the neighborhood?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

I'll inquire around, but most women in paradise have husbands and children.

A lot of families get started that way.


It would be pink.

That's not pink.

That's California coral.

Who thinks up all the names for colors in this country--

Tennessee Williams?

Just like that-- No key?

There is, but nobody has to lock a house in paradise.

Hey, it's very attractive.

Even the termites seem to like it.

That's pecky cypress, and it's quite the rage.

It's very charming.

What do you call this style-- early Disneyland?

By sliding these open, you can bring the outdoors in.

Bugs and all.

This is your TV.

And here's the bar.

Hmm.

The last tenants must have been real drunks.

There's not a drop left.

There are two bedrooms, but only one is furnished.

One is all a bachelor needs if he works it right.

Sweet.

Painter couldn't make up his mind, huh?

What's this-- a runway for the mice?

If you're so disenchanted, I'll be happy to tear up the lease.

Oh, no. No.

It's not a bad little cracker box.

100 million Americans would love to live in this cracker box.

That would make it crowded.

Anything else I can show you?

No. Just let me enjoy the thrill of discovery.

You have a kitchen, broom closet...

All the comforts. Even indoor plumbing.

Good. I hate those long walks.

Good afternoon, Mr. Adams.

Wait. My luggage?

[Tires screeching]

What was that?

The school bus.

Sounds like one of the kids is driving.

[Blows whistle]

[Horn honks]

[Whistle]

[Children yelling]

What do you say I take you to dinner?

Thank you, but I have a business appointment.

Oh.

Tomorrow night?

Lonely bachelors should stick together, don't you think?

Definitely, and if I find one I think you'd like, I'll let you know. Good-bye.

Bye.

Hi. Who are you?

Mr. Adams. I'm moving in.

I'm Peter. I live there.

Where?

I won't tell. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Is he a stranger?

Sure. Here's my sister-- Mrs. Macintyre.

Mrs. Macintyre? Well, ma'am, how do you do?

How do I do what?

It's just not my day for women.

He sure is a stranger.

Come on.

[Faucet running]


[Turning switch]

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Ohh!

You scared me. Who are you?

Jack Adams. Do you come with the house?

Are you Rosemary's friend?

Not yet.

Then why are you in her house?

Is this Rosemary Howard's house?

Sure. Didn't you know?

I wish I had.

She's renting this to me, but she didn't tell me.

Oh! She did say that.

Hi. I'm Linda Delavane, your next-door neighbor.

I was grinding my garbage.

What's wrong with your grinder?

We don't have one.

See, you get your choice of garbage disposer or dishwasher.

The disposer was a little extra, and Larry didn't want the obligation.

Larry?

My husband.

You're married?

Better be-- I've got two children.

Larry's a senior inertial control systems analyst-- an important position.

Especially if you want your control system analyzed.

You're Southern, aren't you?

Savannah, Georgia!

Sho'.

I met Larry at Michigan while on scholarship.

Basketball?

Oh! Romance languages.

I was going to teach, but we got married the day we graduated.

Then Stevie came along, and then Dougie, and now I'm settled down as a hausfrau.

You're a living soap opera.

Don't you like it here?

For the children, it's marvelous, but there's so little cultural stimulation, and the good lord didn't intend for me to use my phi beta kappa key to open grated cheese cans.

What are you doing there?

Loosening this so it will start.

Rosemary showed me how. She's sweet.

When theirs gets stuck, she takes in garbage from the whole neighborhood.

Nice of her to find me this location-- in the middle of things.

Can I help?

Now, hold it firm and move it around.

Sort of like stirring the fudge, isn't it?

O.K.

[Grinding noise]

Hold it!

You got it on high?

Wait!

O.K.

They get vicious when they haven't been fed for a while, don't they?


Hello, men!

You broke my drum!

[Tarzan yells on television]

You shouldn't leave it here.

Let's turn this down!

Whew!

David Douglas Delavane! Who put your cage on?

Mommy did.

He started eating a bottle of nail Polish.

You Billy goat.

Stevie, let's get him ready for dinner.

Linda, I'm home!

I'm here, honey.

Y-your birthday?

Hmm-mm.

Our anniversary?

No.

My birthday?

No. It's Mr. Adams' idea. He rented Rosemary's house.

He says a man likes to come home and see his wife in a pretty frock.

He's right.

You'd like him.

He's nice-looking, cute, mysterious.

He speaks French.

What's so mysterious about that?

You've got three guys to feed, baby.

Give me 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

I lost track of time.

Jack and I got to chatting.

I was transported to all sorts of romantic places.

Forgot all about dishes and diapers.

So Mr. Adams equals mystery and romance.

Mr. Delavane equals diapers and dishes.

Larry!

Some stranger fills my wife with talk about romantic places, changing clothes, and speaking French.

I never did trust that language.

Larry, don't be so sensitive.

Are you jealous?

Me? Jealous?

But there are jealous husbands around here, and if Mr. Adams starts transporting their wives, we'll have more trouble in paradise than Eve started with that apple!


Say, would you send a cab to 22931 Katherina street?

Right away.

Thank you.


Are you in a hurry, miss Howard?

Yes.

I have an appointment at 8:00, but I...

Um...

Just bring me a hamburger and coffee to go, Thelma.

O.K.

I can't tell you when I'll be free for another call.

I don't know how fast this nut eats.

Yeah.


[Music playing]

Well, guys and gals, if this didn't get you up, you're dead.

[Turns off radio]

[Tires squealing]

[Backfires]

[Backfires]

[Dogs barking]

[Car backfires]

[Babies crying]

[Telephone ringing]

How the Americans live, chapter one.

The din dawns with the day.

Throughout most of the civilized world, the new day is born in a silence so profound, one can imagine he hears the morning glory open its petals to greet the rising sun.

Hour-conscious, minute-counting, time-saving America is blasted from sleep by explosive screams of the alarm clock radio, which may largely explain the frenetic pace that jangles the nation's nerves throughout the day.

Timed to the split second, an entire community prepares for the day in a seemingly well-regulated schedule that first dispatches the adult males and gets them safely into the aorta of the city's traffic system-- those marvels of engineering called freeways that have contributed so much to American progress.

[Blows whistle]

[Blows whistle]

[Blows whistle]

The next major movement of which the objective observer is aware comes after an interval during which the adult females have attended their basic household chores.

They run errands, walk dogs, stroll babies, borrow, lend, exchange, and discuss.

And during the period from sunup till sundown, the typical American community is completely matriarchal, dominated entirely by females-- a no man's land more foreboding than ancient Scythia, home of the Amazon.

Hi, stranger.

Well, Mrs. Macintyre, why aren't you in school?

I had to stay home today.

My husband is sick.

What's the matter?

I think he's pregnant.

Bye.

Go this way, stranger.

What are you going to buy, stranger?

Lots of things.

Then you better get a wagon.

Sissy, I told you to wait in the car.

I have to help the stranger.

You're Mr. Adams, the new gentleman.

I'm Bertha Pickering, sissy's mother.

I hope she isn't too bothersome.

No. She can help if you don't object.

Behave now, sissy.

Pardon me.

I was just about to call the auto club.

I'll be in fresh vegetables.

Stranger, what will you buy?

Let's start with coffee. Where's that?

Down this way.


Can I have one?

Oh, sure. Be my guest.

No. No. Not from the bottom.

Can I have some for my husband?

Let me get it, honey.

Floor man, accident on aisle 14.

Big brother is watching you.

He did it!

Where do you get eggs?

From chickens!

Eggs are this way.

Well, you help the nice man put the cans together, huh?

Here. That's for her husband.


Are there any more small broilers?

Sorry, ma'am. Not until the next delivery.

Oh, dear.

Allow me.

Thanks just the same.

I can't cook.

Why'd you buy it?

To practice, but I can practice with eggs.

I'll find something else.

We'll split it.

You cook it.

Then bring it to my place, and we'll share it.

You're very generous.

Don't you think I'm worth half a chicken?

I haven't thought of you in terms of chickens.

I haven't thought of you, period.

Wait. I want to apologize for the things I said yesterday.

Why didn't you tell me it was your house?

I thought it would be less embarrassing.

Please forgive me.

Ours is purely a business arrangement.

You rented my house, not me.

You're sure you won't reconsider splitting this broiler tonight?

Tomorrow night?

I'm the safest man in California.

I'm the most determined bachelor you'll ever meet.

That's obvious, but it doesn't make you any safer.

You don't think I'd ask a girl to come to her own house.

Probably, if you could get away with it.

Pardon me.

Oh, miss Howard!

Dear, you're just the one I need.

Sign this petition to help safeguard the young people of paradise village.

What is this, Mrs. brown?

The village bookshop is selling those dreadful books by a.J. Niles again.

I want them to remove those nasty volumes before they corrupt our youth.

Have you ever read any of the books?

Certainly not.

How do you know they're so nasty?

Certain chapters in all of a.J. Niles' books are nasty.

Everyone knows that's what makes him so popular.

I can't see how the presence of a book can corrupt anyone.

It's the parents' duty to censor their children's reading, not mine.

I can't sign your petition, Mrs. brown.

I'll sign that, Mrs. brown.

Well, you're a good neighbor.

Mr. Adams, isn't it?

That's right.

I admire your attitude, miss Howard, but I feel a sense of obligation to the writer.

Every attempt to suppress books helps push them atop the bestseller list.

Thank you, on behalf of a.J. Niles and the bureau of internal revenue.

Floor man, accident on aisle three.

I see you found the eggs.

[Tires screech]

I'm sorry!

My fault!

That's all right.


Um...

I hope you don't think I'm following you, but something's leaking.

Leaking?

Yeah, from your car, all over the street.

Here it is. What is that?

It looks like soap powder.

It is soap powder.

Well, that's all right. I have several boxes.

This is Rosemary Howard's house.

That's right. I'm leasing.

Oh, I heard she rented it to a bachelor.

Jack Adams.

No wonder Tom was so upset when he heard you had moved in.

Tom?

Tom Jynson.

The blow-hard who built this no man's land.

I'm Mrs. Tom Jynson.

Well, I'm sorry. I-- that's quite all right.

Blow-hard's a good word for him.

Here. Let me help. You get the others.


I'll get the rest.

Certainly neighborly of you, Mrs. Jynson.

Dolores.

Thank you, Dolores.

Can I help you with something else?

I love to do for a man, and Tom doesn't need me to do for him lately.

Is there something I can do for you?

Show me how the washing machine works.

Oh, that's nothing.

I already put the laundry in.

You did?

You put the soap in this little trap door on top.

Then you, um, you turn this dial.

Is that all?

Mm-hmm. Simple.

Why don't you go ahead and get things started, and I'll put the groceries away.

O.K.


I keep everything on the top shelf.

Hey, don't put in too much soap.

How much is too much?

Well, that's more than enough.

Oh, gosh, yes.

Now you close this, and you just, uh, well, you just turn this dial.

[Clanking]

I must have left some change in the pockets.

The first cycle's the noisiest.

Then it settles down to a roar.

Don't wear yourself out this way.

You're too pretty for the kitchen.

Oh?

Um, I'm not keeping you from anything urgent, am I?

I was going to dust, but I can do that later.

Am I holding you up?

You are...From my cocktail hour.

Isn't it early?

What else is there to do?

In alphabetical order?

Um, there's something I might explain about Tom and me that would put your mind very at ease.

Can you make a really dry Gibson?

Five parts gin, and I think for a moment about the vermouth.

See, we're separated.

We hardly ever see each other.

That put your mind at ease?

Just my conscience.

My mind's having a ball.

We're more than separated, really.

We're about to be divorced.

I, uh, consider myself an unattached woman...

Practically...

If you know what I mean.

I'm terribly afraid I do.

Woop.

Excuse me.

Mmm...

Here's a little hitchhiker.

Thank you.

We have community property laws in this state, and he's finding out he can't treat me the way he treats me.

Aren't you having one?

Little early for me.

Early? It's April. Cheers.

So, until he acts like a real husband should, I'm going to keep all that money tied up, and his paradise hills can just sit there.

You're the reason they stopped working on that?

Me and my lawyers.

He thinks he's so smart.

Oh, he's made a fortune, but he's all business, that man.

I found the loveliest house in bel air.

I went into escrow, but would he sign?

Not Tom Jynson.

He stays in paradise where he can keep his finger on the pulse of things.

That's a laugh.

Is it?

Sure! He moves to a hotel and leaves me stuck in paradise.

Oh, thank you.

But a woman gets that lonely feeling.

She wants somebody to admire her and tell her how pretty she looks and things like that.

Why don't you come over here where we can talk?

You're coming in loud and clear.

Oh, come on!

You're so sympathetic and understanding.

You're a very easy woman to understand.

Am I?

Uh-huh.

May I ask you a very personal question?

Mm-hmm.

Do you find me attractive as a woman?

You're extremely attractive as a woman.

Tom doesn't find me attractive.

He used to, but not anymore.

That's the trouble with those real-estate men.

Once they get you through escrow, they lose interest.

He goes out with other women, one very other woman in particular--Rosemary.

Rosemary Howard?

They were together all the time.

He used to leave me night after night after night.

It was always business, and it was always Rosemary.

I'm, uh, a lonely woman, Jack.

So very, very lonely.

Yeah, I'm beginning to see what you mean.

Have you ever thought of buying a parakeet?

They say tropical fish are fun.

I can't help it.

I'm not made of stone, you know?

Not unless they're doing some new things with it.

I'm kind of lonely here myself.

You are? I'm a marvelous cook!

I'll make you breakfast.

I had breakfast.

Tomorrow's?

It'll get cold.

Well, I'll come over and heat it up.

Oh, my gosh!

I must have pushed the wrong dial!

What'd you set it for, Niagara Falls?

We got to shut it off.

Aah! Ooh!

Mommy, look.

The house is throwing up.

What's happening?

Wait here. Watch the kids.

Oh, Jack, what's wrong?

The washing machine.

Get back!

When it switches to rinse, the whole town may go.

I'll phone for help.

[Whimpering]

Oh, Jack. This is awful.

First time I've seen a kitchen with a head on it.

Don't make any waves.

[Dog barking]

What's that?

Look for a lump with a tail.

Aah!

Linda! Linda!

She'll be bubbled to death.

Oh, Linda. Linda.

Here! Take him.

Hope he doesn't shrink. He'll be a chihuahua.

[Coughing]

[Sirens]

Aah! Mad dog!

Mad house!

Where's the fire?

No fire.

What did you call us for?

If I hollered "soap!" Who'd come?

Rosemary, when's the last time you stopped by your house?

A week ago. Why?

Did it look as if there was any dirty work going on?

Dirty work?

You know.

No, I don't know.

The house never looked cleaner.

There is definitely something strange going on.

Drive down Katherina street, and you'll see women-- our ladies-- wearing lipstick and dresses, during the day!

It's starting to spread throughout paradise.

Tom, exactly what is Mrs. brown telling you?

I'll tell you what she told me.

She told me that your harmless Mr. Adams is entertaining women every afternoon in your house.

Collectively or individually?

Either way, I don't like it.

It looks bad.

I want you to find out what is going on.

Just picture this scene for yourselves-- your husband comes home. He walks in the house.

He finds candles flickering and the table set for two, soft, romantic music, vintage wine chilled, a faint, alluring scent of perfume.

The setting is perfect.

Then he discovers a woman he's never seen before-- beautiful, seductive, exciting.

What does he do?

I'll kill him!

Ha ha ha!

The woman is you.

Oh!

It'll be an evening you'll always remember.

You'll awaken passions you've never known before.

I guarantee it'll work.

But what about the children?

Cooperate, just like the Europeans.

Leland's due home tonight. Would you watch Janie?

You take my three tomorrow.

I'll take the boys tonight.

[Adams] That's the idea, girls.

Tomorrow, I want a report from all who try it tonight.

Happy hunting and toujours I'amour.

[Children playing]

[Women laughing]

Hi, Rosemary.

You missed the most fascinating discussion.

Why haven't you joined our group?

I haven't had time, Camille.

I stopped by on business.

See you.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

It was wonderful.

Well, won't you come in?

I'll only be a minute.

What sort of a group have you formed, Mr. Adams?

It's surely not aa.

One harmless Martini each just to loosen up.

Care for one?

I tighten up with Martinis.

Have you found a secretary?

I thought you were looking into that.

You seem to be interviewing all the women, every afternoon.

We're conducting a cultural exchange.

Discussions of life, love, and the pursuit.

It's had a bracing effect on the community.

There's been a run on girdles.

Your friend Niles' books are all sold out.

How do you know he's a friend of mine?

You signed that petition.

Do you really know him?

Intimately.

We worked on the same sports department back in Cleveland.

Is he as wicked as his books?

I find him fascinating.

You'd like a.J. Niles.

Splendid fellow.

A bachelor, too, by the way.

What's he look like?

He's devilishly attractive.

I haven't seen a picture.

Most writers have their portraits on the backs of books.

If his face became well-known, it'd be a handicap to his research.

I'll tell you one thing.

He'd be crazy about you.

Oh?

What makes you so sure?

Your attitude.

Your refreshingly realistic attitude.

You don't have any of the natural female instinct to deprive a bachelor of his freedom.

I stopped by to tell you I could get you a part-time secretary.

You could have called that in.

[Telephone ringing]

See how it works? Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

I'm not sure. Hold on.

Are you busy tonight, miss Howard?

For dinner, I mean.

Yes.

Do you know someplace we can have dinner for $5.00?

My allowance is late.

Barbecue's fine.

Where?

The pig pit?

If you say so.

I'll pick you up around 7:00.

O.K. You pick me up. Bye.

I thought the four of us could eat together.

The four of us?

Me and my date, and you and Tom Jynson.

He's a married man.

Dolores Jynson's a married woman.

They're practically divorced.

The four of us would be quite civilized.

Could be quite amusing.

Thanks, Mr. Adams, but I'm not that desperate for amusement.

Good-bye.

The American woman, in her desperation, driven toward what she regards as equality with the American man, has somehow lost the art of romance.

Now her love for the conveniences-- the electric can opener, TV--

[turns recorder off]

That could be stronger.

Let me see...

Memo--check the girls tomorrow to see how the experiment turned out.

Camille, honey, I'm home!

Well?

Excuse me, madam. Must be in the wrong house.

Leland Quinlaw!

[Door slams]

I did not lose the electric light money in the bridge game!

Then turn them on.

I want candlelight and romance!

I want the lights on!

And what's with the violins?

Who needs this?

I want to see my kids, and I'm not going to eat dinner in the bedroom!

Take off that ridiculous dress!

[Crying]

Hey, baby. Come here!

Larry!

You want to play on the couch!

Larry, I've got to think.

Not for what I've got in mind, baby!

You and your ideas, baby. You fracture me.

Why don't we do this every night?

You don't, um, miss the kids?

What kids?

Baby.

Hmm?

Let's skip dinner.

Mmm...It's cold now anyway.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Oh, c'est la vie!


The ribs were delicious.

You should have tasted them.

Mm-hmm.

Shrimp cocktail and five Gibsons-- not a very well-balanced diet.

I shouldn't have had the shrimp cocktail.

Sure you won't have coffee?

I shouldn't have brought you here.

They don't have the most versatile wine cellar.

Tom brought me here.

Tom again.

That dirty rat!

So you've been telling me for an hour.

He'd never take me to expensive places, the dirty cheapskate!

If your mascara runs, you'll discolor your vodka.

You better be careful.

Excuse me.

Miss Howard.

Has Tom been here already?

Tom Jynson? No.

Where's Dolores?

Emergency face repair. Please sit down.

No, thanks.

Fortunately, I overheard your conversation and knew where to find you.

The house burn down?

No, but Tom is very angry.

Mrs. brown saw you and Dolores leaving, so she called him.

Now he's scouting every restaurant around.

He'll come here.

Why not hire a detective?

He's talked about that.

He's determined to get something on Dolores to keep the alimony down.

Tom isn't a man. He's a business machine.

It's Tom.

Here comes old IBM now.

Oh, hello, Tom.

Rosemary--

I thought you stayed away from Gibsons.

Won't you join us?

No, thanks. I'm looking for Dolores.

Going on your second honeymoon?

You didn't say you were going to dinner with Mr. Adams.

That's no one's business but my own.

Unfortunately, we were only discussing miss Howard's business.

Yes. Mr. Adams is thinking of extending his lease.

We may need a new one.

Well, from what I hear, you'd better add a morality clause.

Takes a real dirty mind to believe everything Mrs. brown says.

Wait a minute, miss Howard.

Mission accomplished.

Thanks, but I've been trying for weeks to get you to have dinner with me.

Have a Gibson?

I hate Gibsons.

We're not allowed to drink on rescue missions.

You're a real problem, you know.

Well, I'm not sorry for you.

You certainly don't lack female companionship.

I only want to maintain peace in paradise.

Jack Adams!

The minute I leave the table!

Honestly, you men are all alike!

You can't trust any man!

Excuse me, miss Howard.

Well, I'd better explain it to her.

Yeah, but-- waiter?

Waiter?

Oh, Jacques.

C'etait merveilleux.

Cela a developpe exactement comme vous l'avez predit.

Merci. Votre Mari, est-Ce Que ca lui a plu?

Il en etait ebloui.

Nous voulons la faire chaque semaine.

[Whistles]


[Rings doorbell]

Hello. Come in.

Or would you feel safer if I came out?

Your discussion group will be here soon.

There's safety in numbers.

Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.

Ooh, you flatter me.

What can I do for you?

Keep away from Dolores.

I won't chase around, keeping you out of trouble.

Trouble? I'm a big boy.

I shave and everything.

If Tom had caught you, you'd be in enough hot water to shave for a week.

He'd have filed for divorce.

I have a financial interest in paradise village.

I don't want a scandal.

Have you resumed work on paradise hills?

You know we haven't. Why do you ask?

You haven't found me a secretary.

The work's piling up.

Could you help part-time?

Me?

You're the only one here I can trust.

Why?

It's the nature of my work.

What is the nature of your work?

It's a series of reports.

Oh, government work?

I am working for the government.

It occurred to me, until you resume paradise hills, you could help me each evening.

Sorry. I don't like to work nights.

Wait. Let's discuss this more.

There's nothing to discuss.

I'd like to explain over dinner.

I've discovered a little place not only affordable, but where the food's fit for the angels and the drinks for the gods.

Call me later.

[Hawaiian music playing]

Is he a bartender or a landscape architect?

He's an artist.

Care for a scorpion's kiss?

That's what they're called?

And this is a bikini.

That's an odd name.

There's not much to it, but it hits the right spots.

I've had two and don't feel a thing.

We'd better get you another one.

Another brace of bikinis, please.

Sorry. Only two to a customer.

Come on.

That's a powerful drink.

There's an old Tahitian saying--

"okka noku pama talla peeno pulla okka."

Oh. Just what did that old Tahitian mean?

Who knows? I'm from San Francisco.

Loopholes everywhere.

Your booth is ready, Mr. Adams.

Oh, thank you.

Send over a couple scorpion's kisses, then.

Thank you.

Just make it the small scorpions.

You all right?

I'm fine, but why are you leaning?

Oh, that's better.

Now, sit up straight.

Oh.

You know, this is really a very attractive restaurant.

You haven't been here before?

Well, the atmosphere is hardly conducive to business.

Oh.

Is that all you discuss at dinner--business?

That's not what Dolores tells me.

That's great. That's really great.

Tom thinks every time he turns his back, she's out chasing every other man.

Dolores loves Tom, and you and I could help them.

There's just a breakdown in their communications.

Ha ha ha ha!

What's so amusing?

Oh, Tom thinks our paradise bachelor is such a dangerous man-- a satyr running rampant in a harem.

Now you turn out to be dear Abby in britches.

[New song begins]

[Applause]

Oh, I didn't know you were so talented.

There are many things you don't know about me.

I can sail a boat, upholster furniture, skin-dive for abalone, bake strudel, know the names of all 50 states and their capitals, and I play a mean piano, among other things.

Let me hear more about the other things.

[Laughs]

Come dance with kuminaw.

No, honey. You're one bikini late.

I'd have to take a pill. I couldn't.

No. It makes me seasick.

I couldn't. No. I really--

I know, but you...

[Audience clapping and whistling]

[Drum beating]


[Applause]

"It's a strange paradox that the American woman, "who lives in a world where the bachelor and the spinster

"meet disapproval and therefore can be satisfied

"with nothing but marriage, "finds so much discontent, restlessness, and boredom

"in the marital state.

Seeking relief from the burdens of domesticity--" excuse me, Jack.

How about if Camille went red, instead of black?

Leland's crazy about Susan Hayward, and she's a redhead.

He tells you that so you won't know how he feels about Lollobrigida.

See? Come on.

Yeah.

"She exercises much imagination, "frequently through group projects that will, in some way, stimulate her."

[Door closes]

[Whistling]

Larry, is that you, honey?

[Stops whistling]

Well?

Take it off.

Take what off?

That hideous wig-- Take it off.

All right. All right, it's not hideous.

Only, take it off.

Oh, Larry.

It isn't.

It's not a wig.

You mean you dyed it that color?

Yes.

Just wasn't coming up to speed, that's all.

Hey, where'd you learn electronics?

It's simple mechanics.

Now let's see if it will work.

Well?

You're doing this for the government?

They can hardly wait for it to come out.

Sounds like something a.J. Niles might write.

Look, I trust you.

I can tell you the truth.

Mr. palfrey came up with this idea.

What idea?

A book like Niles', only about America.

Palfrey thinks there's a mint in it.

Where's the government come in?

They're waiting for the mint.

Oh.

Know something? This is better than a.J. Niles.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Taking it to the office to transcribe it.

It's quiet here. We can concentrate.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Afraid? I'm a pussycat.

From the gossip around here, you're a tomcat.

Me? You, of all people, know-- look, there's been enough talk.

Why give them more fuel?

Every husband's talking about you.

Sure you don't want them talking about you?

They've already talked about me, Dolores, and every other woman.

Aristotle said the high-minded man is more interested in the truth than in what people believe.

Are you so high-minded?

My behavior's been most exemplary.

Do you realize I haven't even been kissed since I moved in?

No? I mean, no, I didn't realize.

It's a record, for me.

Oh, Rosemary, I'm sorry.

That's all right. I was leaving.

You were?

I shouldn't have burst in, but it's an emergency.

What have you done to your hair?

You see?

Larry's tone was positively menacing.

He walked out on me.

He says he's going to get drunk.

That might be an improvement.

But I promised Donna to come over tonight.

Go without him.

Leave the boys?

Donna's my sister. I can't tell her Larry walked out.

You know how families are.

Why don't you stay with the boys?

Me baby-sit?

You started it.

So will you help me?

The kids are asleep. There's nothing to do.

You can stay here and work.

Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

Oh, Jack. Mmm! You're a Saint.

There goes my record.

"What young parents without help

"did before there were baby-sitters is unclear.

There's no evidence to--" you're supposed to be asleep.

I'm hungry.

What can I get for you?

A sammich.

What kind of sammich?

A pickle and peanut butter sammich.

Pickle and peanut butter.

Not interested in growing up, huh?

[Baby crying]

See? You woke your brother.

No, I didn't. He woke hisself up.

Shh.

Well...

Well, how long you in for, Stevie?

I'm Stevie!

He's Dougie!

Oh, oh.

Well, come on. Let me spring you.

Come on, doll. Come on.

You don't have to cry. You-- uh-oh. High tide.

Aw!

[Ringing doorbell]

Why, Larry.

Where's Adams?

He's not here.

Don't kid me.

You women are all alike.

Stick up for him.

What's he got, anyway? And where is he?

As a matter of fact, he's performing a duty you have neglected.

[Laughs]

I catch you, and you try to wriggle out of it by accusing my wife of unbecoming conduct?

I'm not--

Rosemary-- so there you are!

[Whistles]

You're just as bad as he is--worse!

Trying to make me suspect my wife when it's you who've been hanky-pankying around with this...

This bachelor!

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, he's drunk.

He can change the kid's diapers.

Doubt it. He's headed in the other direction.

Help me.

I know nothing about this stuff.

You think I do?

You're a woman.

Gender's no license for knowledge.

After your remarks on that tape-- we'll discuss that later.

There's a waterlogged kid going down for the third time.

Help me.

[Dishes clank]

Does the board of health know about this place?

What are you doing?

Fixing a sammich for Dougie.

Where is he?

Under the table.

Hey!

Hey, come on out of there.

What happened to your diaper?

They slitched off.

Here, let me take him.

Oh...Boy.

With this kid, Linda doesn't need a garbage grinder.

Here we are.

There. You go get some dry diapers.

Shouldn't you powder him first?

No. You oil them first.

This kid hasn't done a thousand miles yet.

You do it, and I'll get the diapers.

And I'll put Stevie in the other bedroom.

[Gurgling]

Isn't that good?

Is that refreshing?

Here you are.

Ahh!

You're the sweetest smelling.

[Blowing]

[Cries]

That's all right, baby.

If she wants to dye her hair, what's the big deal, anyway?

What do you say we go tell her, old uncle John, O.K.?

[Crying]

Not enough oil.

I couldn't find the diapers, but-- what are you doing?

Well...Let's face it. I'm a lousy mother.

Oh, go get another towel.

I'll clean him up.

Oh, Dougie.

Ooh!

Yeah, wait.

Come on. Let's sit you up. Let's sit up.

[Tires screech]

How about this one?

Give me one for here.

Yeah.

Well, I think that should do it.

Well, come on. There, huh?

He'll never get out of that unless he has friends on the outside.

Mrs. Delavane!

[Hiccups]

Mrs. Delavane!

Aha!

Aha what?

You are in my house.

Miss Howard wasn't lying about you and Linda.

Oh, stop it.

Put 'em up.

I couldn't go two rounds with your breath.

I won the first fall.

Quiet, you two.

Oh! My wife isn't good enough for you, huh?

You got to have another woman, too.

[Crash]

Well, there's another one to put to bed.

Yeah, but he's already oiled.

"Causing unrest and disharmony, "apart from entertaining married and unmarried women

"in flagrant violation of all standards

"of decency and morality.

"The undersigned therefore demand

"that paradise village, incorporated, remove the above-named undesirable tenant immediately."

And it's signed by every husband on Katherina street.

But not one of their wives.

Don't tell me he's gotten to you, too, Rosemary.

You don't believe that rot!

These gentlemen believe it.

Aristotle said the high-minded man is interested in the truth, not in what people believe.

Aristotle doesn't live in paradise, and I won't antagonize the people who do.

Rosemary, I want Jack Adams out of your house.

No, Tom.

I won't put him out, not for you or anybody.

Are you disobeying me?

This is not the marine corps, major Jynson.

No. This is paradise, and I'm in command.

You will do what I say, or you're through-- fired.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Truly sorry!

[Doorbell rings]

Well, come in.

You're a little early.

How would you like a full-time secretary?

What red-blooded American boy wouldn't? What happened?

I'm no longer an employee of paradise village, inc.

You quit?

I won't work for any man after he fires me.

I admire your spirit, among other things. What happened?

A matter of business policy. We didn't agree.

We don't always agree, either, but I need you to help with research.

What kind of research?

Don't worry. I'll push your desk against the wall.

I couldn't chase you around it if I wanted.

Just don't ask me to stay after working hours.

Agreed?

Agreed, under protest.

Let me see.

You'll be my landlady and secretary.

I'll be your tenant and boss.

A very involved relationship.

If you raise my rent, I'll lower your salary.

You lower my salary, I'll raise my voice.

[Announcer] ...Comes to the plate with a curve ball.

Strike. 0 and 1.

Ripley checking his signs.

The big right-hander ready again.

To the plate.

Palufski swings, gets ahold of it.

Long drive to deep left-center.

Back goes smitty, a-way back, and she is gone.

It's a brand-new ball game-- 3 and 3.

Before the biggest crowd of the year--

75,000 here at the stadium-- the bears have come back in the seventh to tie.

For palufski, his 17th home run of the year and his 51st rbi.

Now let's find out if Dillon's coming up.

Jerry, is that Dillon?

No. That's Monty Brice.

Monty Brice is hitting .287 this season.

Never mind Monty Brice. Take a note.

"Americans are so accustomed

"to being told everything, "even at ball games, "they bring their radios

"so the announcer can explain what they're seeing."

And the fast ball fouled away.

Our guess would be about 75,000 people here.

I wonder what idiot caught that.

They would have torn the roof off for sure on the home run by palufski.


They say 20 million American women have taken this up.

Sure. To get rid of their aggressions.

[Adams] Yeah.

Oh, yes.

You know, those aren't pins.

Those are 20 million American men.

The cleaners returned your suit.

I hung it in the closet.

And I brought your shirts. They're in the drawer.

You don't have to do my shirts.

The laundry puts a razor edge on the collars.

I don't want my boss decapitated.

[Laughs]

Hey, you worried about your boss or your tenant?

Jack, please.

It's time you acknowledge men and women are different.

This arrangement is difficult enough.

Don't make it impossible.

I want to make it very possible.

A little cooperation, and it could be fun.

No woman really wants to make love platonically, just for fun.

Then I've met some great pretenders.

I'm sure many women have fallen for you.

If they have, they wanted something more than...

Well, merely an affair.

For instance?

Oh, a home, security, permanence.

A wise man once wrote that a man wants to be a woman's first love, but women have a more subtle instinct.

They want to be sure they're a man's last.

Let's eat.

Jack...

Hmm?

Have you been a bachelor all your life?

I was engaged at the age of seven, but love's pangs turned out to be measles.

Silly. Then there's a chance that some poor girl may marry you?

A rich girl would have a better chance.

Have you ever been in love?

Never. Have you?

Once...I thought.

No. I take that back.

I really was.

What makes you sure?

What makes you sure you never were?

I planned it that way.

My smart father prepared me for life with splendid advice.

Care to share it?

"Be careful of what you put your heart and money into."

Your father told you that?

Right after my mom told it to him.

Ha ha ha! That's funny.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Where's Rosemary?

She's gone. It's after 6:00.

I wanted to talk to you alone. It's about Larry.

He hasn't said a word for days.

You've dyed your hair back, haven't you?

But he's still suspicious.

Of me?

It's your reputation, Jack.

Everybody thinks that-- thinks what?

That you're having affairs with all of us-- me, Camille, Dolores, Rosemary!

Really? That should qualify me for the Olympic team.

Don't joke about it.

They've written everything down.

Good. We'll make an Italian movie from it.

They even sent in that petition.

What petition?

To Tom Jynson, to have you evicted, only Rosemary wouldn't do it.

Are you sure?

Positive. Leland Quinlaw and my Larry started it.

All the husbands signed it, and...

[Sniffing]

What's that?

Something's burning.

It's the oven.

[Coughing]

My ready-mix cake.

Ha ha!

Hope smoky the bear doesn't hear about this.

Jack!

[Door shuts]

Jack?

Out here!

What's so urgent?

Sit down, Rosemary. I want to ask you something.

Why couldn't you ask me on the phone?

I want to see your face when you answer.

This isn't the first time you've tried to protect me, and I'm touched, but you should have told me about the petition.

What good would it have done?

I could have spared everyone by moving out.

Leaving paradise?

I should think you'd be glad to get rid of me.

No. What about your book?

I've got enough material for six books if I want.

Oh, Jack, please.

I just don't want to get hopelessly involved.

You're a little late. You already are.

So am I.

Why don't you come with me?

With you? Where?

Anywhere. I need you, and you need me.

We both lived alone long enough.

What's the advantage?

Toothpaste lasts twice as long.

That's all you can say for it.

There's just one problem, a matter of social convention.

I can't ask you to marry me.

We understand each other. Why complicate things?

We can't.

I can't, not this way.

I found that out a long time ago.

This is different, darling.

We're both being completely honest.

Which means you don't want to ask me to marry you.

I haven't the nerve.

I'd be a real heel.

You know what you'd be getting for a husband?

A man who's been a bachelor all his life, a gypsy who's never had a permanent home since he was a kid and the pool room burned down.

A man who's not only broke, but in hock to the government.

Is that the man you want to marry?

I don't know if I want to marry anyone.

Then it's a stand-off.

But I do know one thing.

I know.

[Telephone ringing]

Pardon me.

I'll kill whoever it is and be right back.

Hello.

Yes, operator. Speaking.

Wait! Rosemary!

Don't go!

I-- yeah? Who?

Austin palfrey, dear lad.

Can you be at the L.A. airport by midnight?

I've wired you a ticket for the midnight jet.

You're to be in Washington first thing tomorrow.

No, Rosemary.

I haven't seen Jack since yesterday.

I did hear his phone ring.

Was that you?

Dougie, spit that out!

What, Rosemary?

No. His car's not here, either.

Look, honey, I've got to run.

Dougie's eating a ball-point pen.

Dougie!

Jack?

[Click]

Darling-- That's you, Rosemary--

I had to leave.

Keep this machine to remember me by.

I hope you'll be as lonesome and miserable without me as I have been every evening when you left.

There you are, Mr. Niles.

Except for $1,000 or so, it's all there.

What's all there?

Your money, dear lad.

The cash, stocks, and bonds.

You found Wappinger?

Boarding a plane in Mexico City.

That's great. Thank you, gentlemen.

You'll have to sign a complaint against him, Mr. Niles.

I don't think so.

I'd have to stick around for his trial, and there's something about courtrooms--

I suppose you're anxious to return to France.

I'm working on something more domestic.

Of course-- how the Americans live!

Let the newsreel boys in now.

We'll start the publicity rolling on Adams' next bestseller.

I've been back in this country for some time--in California, in a housing development in the San Fernando valley.

I've used an assumed name, but I've been doing research for my newest book.

It's based on modern living in this country.

It's called how the Americans live.

It's been a fascinating experience.

I've been amazed at my findings.

I've found a strong, healthy group of hard-working men and women who not only are kind and decent, but go to extremes to help each other.


Aah!

Rosemary.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?

I didn't know I was going to.

This is awful.

It's not bad from here.

You look alluring, and I'm proud of you for one thing.

You didn't pull the bedclothes up around your neck.

No need to get up. It's after midnight.

Oh, now, please.

You're beautiful with your hair shook up.

Don't spoil it. You're a picture.

Your face isn't full of grease like a channel swimmer.

Let me get up.

Neither of us planned this.

It was meant to happen.

I didn't mean this to happen.

You're single, female, and in your right mind.

If you think I'll allow myself to become entangled with a.J. Niles-- oh, so that's it.

Everyone knows who you are, Mr. Niles.

All you-know-what broke loose today.

You didn't feel this way before I left.

I'm the same man.

The same deceitful liar.

I had to lie, but not anymore.

A shattering thing happened while I was away.

For the first time, I miss someone.

I had to come back.

Please leave me alone, and get out of here!

At least now you know the truth.

You can have the bedroom.

Your rent is still paid.

I'll sleep on the couch, like the men always do in American movies.

[Clank]

Ooh!

Oh, darn him.


Here.


Well?

Well what?

Aren't you going to brush your teeth?

Did you come in just to remind me?

No. I came in to tell you how despicable you are.

I'm fond of me.

You're the only one who is, but I'm grateful to you for one thing.

You brought me back to my senses.

When I thought you had disappeared, I was desolate.

I was miserable because I lost my nerve and ran out.

Now that you're back, I see what a mistake it would have been.

I'm not a woman to you. I'm a Guinea pig.

That's all every female in paradise is to you, a.J. Niles.

By the same token, I owe you a vote of thanks.

In the euphoria of recovering my loot and my identity, I considered proposing to you.

What a stupid blunder-- at my age, give up my freedom.

Thanks for snapping me back to reality.

I'll be out of your life first thing tomorrow.

Thank you.

[Doorbell ringing]

Who's that?

Quick. In the bedroom.

[Knocking on door]

It's too early for the milk.

[Knock knock]

Just a minute.

May I come in?

No.

I heard your car drive up.

I was so excited, Jack. Mr. Niles, I mean.

We knew you were somebody.

You just had to be.

No matter what happens, we girls will stick up for you.

May not be enough, Linda.

[Knock on door]

What's that?

If that's Larry, he'll kill me.

Hide in the bedroom.

No! Not there. Second bedroom.

I knew this house was too small.

[Knocking on door]

You got to come with me right away.

Where?

To my house, before Leland finds out I'm here.

What are you talking about?

Ever since Leland found out you're a.J. Niles, he thinks we're having-- that we're carrying on some kind of a-- please! Come clear my name.

My whole marriage hangs in the balance.

Stop this drama!

[Doorbell rings]

It's Leland! I got to hide!

Here. Get right in there.

Keep breathing.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, no!

Adam J. Niles!

Welcome to grand hotel.

Why didn't you tell me?

We could have conducted the most marvelous experiments together!

Look--put that coat back on!

Where's your tape recorder?

Let's get to work.

I want to be in your book!

Ah! So Mrs. brown was right!

Wait a minute, Jynson.

I won't wait a second, you libertine.

I'll see you in court-- both of you!

Ooh...


[Dogs barking]

Linda! What are you doing in there?

I don't know.

Come here. You're going to break your neck.

[Doorbell rings]

[Knocking on door]

Wait a minute!

Aah!

Shh! They're all coming.

Over the wall.

Oh!

Can you make it? Go on.

State your name, address, and occupation, please.

Thomas W. Jynson, presently residing in the palm vista hotel.

I'm the developer of paradise.

Paradise?

As I recall, the book of Genesis-- paradise village, your honor.

It's a real-estate development.

One of the finest housing developments in the broad and fertile valley--

[banging gavel]

You won't use this courtroom for any advertising purposes.

Continue.

Now, Mr. Jynson, isn't it true that, most regrettably, you are compelled to seek this action against your wife after numerous instances of infidelity with one a.J. Niles-- a man who is known to be-- pardon me, your honor-- a libertine and a seducer?

Absolutely.

Objection!

We intend to produce evidence to prove the statement that Mr. Niles is, if you'll pardon the expression, a libertine and a seducer.

[Murmuring]

[Banging gavel]

Order in the court!

Yes, I said I wanted to be in his book.

I wanted to be a whole new chapter.

I wanted to be a whole new book-- how Mrs. Tom cheapskate lives...

Miserably.

A.J. Niles filled my wife's head with sexy ideas.

I married that woman because I liked her empty-headed.

I knew there was something going on when I saw how my wife wrapped the garbage.

Nobody wraps garbage like that unless there's hanky-panky going on.

[Bangs gavel]

The poor, dear man was always trying to help, like when Camille wanted to dye her hair red, and Jack--Mr. Niles-- told her that dyed red hair looked so phony and...

Oh! Well...

Your hair doesn't look like it's dyed, your honor.

I mean, men can't always be right, can they?

Your home is directly across the street from the house Mr. Niles rented?

Right smack.

I've just talked to New York.

I've had to order a second printing of your book.

From your observations, Mrs. brown, how would you describe Mr. Niles?

Sex fiend, pure and simple.

[Murmuring]

Objection!

Sustained.

Mrs. brown, that's a very broad and condemning term.

I don't know how else you'd describe him.

He has only one thing on his mind.

[Murmuring]

[Bangs gavel]

Have you ever read his books, madam judge?

Yes, I have.

I've also read the books of h.G. Wells, but I wouldn't describe him as an astronaut.

Confine your testimony to factual observations.

Very well, your honoress.

Ever since that man moved into Rosemary's house...

Stop trying to make implications, Mr. Backett.

My relationship with Dolores Jynson was not experimental.

Then you did find her physically attractive?

Certainly not.

Did he have to say that?

That is, I didn't find her unattractive.

What I mean is--

[judge] Mr. Niles, when you've finished debating with yourself, will you please answer the question?

I'm trying to, your honor.

I found her attractive, but that did not motivate my actions.

Now, Mr. Niles, you heard Mr. Jynson testify that he saw Mrs. Jynson, clad only in a revealing negligee, nestled in your arms.

Would you explain your motivation for that?

You see, your honor, it isn't quite that simple.

There were three other women in the house at the same time.

Three?

I didn't plan that.

I don't go in for group therapy.

It was one of those hectic nights.

I can well understand that.

May I make one statement to clarify this situation?

Clarification would certainly be in order, Mr. Niles.

There seems to be a public image of a.J. Niles as some sort of wandering Casanova, to whom the world is a private boudoir.

In the past, there may have been some justification for this, but since I established residence at paradise village, I'm a different man.

For the first time, I've been in love-- sincerely, deeply in love.

And because of that, only one woman has meant anything to me.

That woman is Rosemary Howard.

Because of my feeling for her, I couldn't have possibly indulged in the activities of which I've been accused.

I returned from Washington to marry miss Howard.

Unfortunately, she turned me down, but I was truly and still am deeply in love, and I hope to persuade her to change her mind and marry me.

[Murmuring]

[Bangs gavel]

No further questions.

Does counsel for the defense wish to cross-examine the witness?

No questions, your honor.

You may step down, Mr. Niles.

Who is your next witness, Mr. Backett?

I'd like to call miss Rosemary Howard to the stand.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

You've ruined everything. Now you're just another guy.

And it's about time.

Now, miss Howard, were you formerly associated with Mr. Jynson in business?

I was.

Did you resign your position?

No. I was fired.

Will you tell the court why?

Because I refused to evict Mr. Niles from my house.

Who demanded that eviction?

There was a petition signed by a number of husbands in the neighborhood.

That would be exhibit a, your honor.

[Judge] Is this the document, miss Howard?

It appears to be.

Now, miss Howard, that petition makes several allegations as to the conduct and character of Mr. Niles.

Would you deny them now, under oath?

Well, miss Howard?

May I make a statement, your honor?

In the interest of clarification?

Oh, yes.

By all means.

These three divorce cases are based on a complete misunderstanding of Mr. Niles and his motives and the motives of the wives.

You tell them, Rosemary!

[Bangs gavel]

Order in the court.

Continue, miss Howard.

I know this because I worked very closely with Mr. Niles on his notes.

I heard all the conversation between the girls and Jack--

I mean Mr. Niles-- that night before Tom Jynson came bursting in.

A.J. Niles only wanted to help.

He understood their frustrations, their doubts, and their loneliness.

She's right, your honor!

[Bangs gavel]

Control yourselves!

This is not a pta meeting.

[Clears throat]

Go on, miss Howard.

A woman left alone, even in paradise, has to rebuild her pride.

I know Dolores and Tom are very much in love with each other, and Mr. Niles was aware of it, too.

The others felt that their husbands were losing interest in them.

But in all this time in paradise village, a.J. Niles only wanted to help, and this is his reward.

Miss Howard, Mr. Niles is not on trial here.

I know that, your honor, but he seems to be the central character.

These men are guilty of failing to appreciate their wives.

What's worse, you didn't trust them.

The truth is, they're lucky to have women who care enough to try and win their affection.

As to Mr. a.J. Niles, I have only one thing to say.

A few minutes ago, he stated, under oath, that his only objective was to marry me.

And I meant it!

[Bangs gavel]

Then I wish to state, under oath, that I have changed my mind, and I accept his proposal of marriage.

You're hooked. You're through.

No more experiments.

[Banging gavel]

Order in this court!

Order!

Order in this courtroom! Please!


[A.J.] One of the most interesting aspects of the institution of marriage is a rather complex rite, colloquially referred to as the honeymoon.

Historians have traced this romantic ritual back to the days of ancient--

[rosemary] Ha ha ha!

Historians have traced this-- mmm...

Oh, those historians.

Ha ha ha!

[Sighing]

[Tape rewinding]