Bachelorette (2012) Script

Things have been going well.

I've been working with these sick kids, kids who've been diagnosed with cancer.

And chemo when you're twelve, like, sucks.

But... I mean, chemo sucks in general, but twelve sucks It's when it happens.

When what happens?

Are you girls ready to order?

Oh, I'll get the Cobb Salad, with the... oh, no chicken, no bacon, no cheese and no avocado.

Mm... I'll get the burger and fries. but maybe with her bacon and her cheese, and do not bring me a dessert menu.

I already know I want the cheesecake, the brownie cheesecake.

I'm so glad you're not on that stupid diet anymore.

It was making me a miserable person.

So, I have some news.

What are you doing right now?

Just like your typical Sunday morning.

It's Monday and it's like noon in L.A.

Uh, how do you know that?

You don't even fuckin' live here.

Okay. Well... you don't even know my day right now.

I was having lunch with Becky.

We went to that place,

Fucker!

I haven't started the story yet.

No. Ugh.

I just realized that the guy I slept with sucks.

Would you stop thinking about yourself and your weird little life for five seconds?

I was having lunch with Becky... I have some news.

My point is, imagine chemo on top of twelve.

It really makes you appreciate what we have.

Yeah, it does.

So, things have been getting pretty serious with Dale and I, and I haven't really told anyone Can I say something?

Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

I gotta conference in Katie.

Oh, for Chris sakes! Tell her later.

No.

This story is so fucking long already, I'm not gonna remember any of it.

So just hold on.

Welcome to Club Monaco.

That's totally cute.

We don't have like anything that cute in the store.

Okay.

Well um, hey, why don't we try folding stuff?

Hello?

Katie!

Oh. I gotta take this.

It's work.

You're at work.

Hey, what's up?

I don't know. It's like... some drama with Becky.

Tell me everything.

I haven't really told anyone Can I say something?

And I'm only saying this because you're my friend and I really care about you.

Do I have something on my face?

Guys like Dale, born wealthy guys, they hate going public And if he doesn't want to be with you, it's because he's an asshole, not because you're... ..one-eighth Jewish.

I mean, she's our friend.

I love her.

She has a pretty face.

Do you remember in high school, all the boys used to call her Pig Face.

Everybody called her Pig Face in high school.

I mean, behind her back.

We've been friends since we were little girls, Becky.

I want you to be with someone who shouts it from the rooftops.

I know.

That's why I can't really keep it a secret anymore Dale asked me to marry him.

Oh... - That's insane. That's insane.

Okay. Back me up here.

I like, was... totally gonna be the one to get married first.

Yeah. He's also like super good-looking.

I Googled him like a-a few months ago.

Like, it's alarming.

I wanna date a guy who has a job.

You know, we're all gonna have to be in this wedding now.

Silver lining.

We're gonna get to throw a bachelorette party We're gonna get to dress up and be cool.

It's gonna be just like prom.

I don't need to parade around a bunch of people that I used to know.

Clyde's gonna be there.

I'll probably go. I've gotta go to work.

Yeah, shit.

I'm fired by now.

I've gotta go read some books to these cancer kids.

Love you Beeeeees!

ah-ah-ah-ah

deaf chords, dead ends

sling set can't meet their demands

devil horns, best friends

infinity guitars, go head

ah-ah-ah-ah

street wars, straight men

cowboys, indians

red souls, red friends

infinity guitars, your heart

ah-ah-ah-ah

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Are you so excited for your big night?

I'm so excited.

I've been waiting for this for like... ...six months.

No... longer.

I've been waiting for this my whole life.

I've just been wanting something to happen, and now it is, and all the Bee-Faces are gonna be back together again!

And I had a spray tan!

Ooh!

So excited! Hey!

Hey.

Um, do you think I can get away with this, or do I look like I'm just one of the help?

No, you look really cute.

Did you just make a face?

Uh, no. No, she-she's retarded.

Uh, I mean sh-she uh, Asper-Asperger's. She has Asperger's.

She can't control her face.

LooVery fucking professional.

Okay. Now, I gotta get on the train.

You got the deets for the Bachelorette party?

Affirmative. Deets, check.

Oh... Just in case.

Mm, you think of everything.

I do.

Wish me luck!

Good luck!

The dress is really nice!

Fuck you!

Now don't wear boots.

Fucking cogs!

Just get it together fast, okay.

Don't you dare miss this flight.

God, stop yelling at me, okay?

I'm not the one getting fucking married.

What are you even doing right now?

You're such a competent and calming maid of honor, Regan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy on the sugar.

She still has to fit in her dress tomorrow.

Oh, Chinatown, I need a limo to JFK.

Do you understand that?

And I need um, champagne sent up to my suite.

Wait, No.

Plans have changed, okay?

The bride wants a bachelorette party now.

Oh, okay... Well, why am I the last to know?

I can't believe you get paid for this, and I'm just a good friend.

about blowjobs, if you want to hear it.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yeah? It's very interesting.

All right.

I-I personally think that blowjobs are an extremely delicate thing.

You know, like if you're.. if you're ranking them on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being I'm blowing it kisses and 10 being I'm, you know, choking on just semen, vomit just everywhere.

I think you gotta start off with 4s and with 5s.

Like just enough so the... so that you know that I know exactly what I'm doing, but with zero enthusiasm.

I'm giving you nothing, because then you're gonna be like all right, fine. I'll just fuck her, you know?

'Cause if I start off with a 10, I got nowhere to go.

I mean, why are you gonna spend any time fucking me?

You just came all over my face.

So you start off small, right?

But you build.

I'll give you a 6 after a fight, when we're making up.

And then an 8 when you spend a shitload of money on me, or get me something that's like a sweet... gift or whatever, I'll do full 8.

But then, I circle it back.

Back to the 3s, the 4s, and the 5s, because that shit, every time, without fail, makes the guy's dick alarm go off.

You know what I mean when I say dick alarm.

Right?

And you're gonna be like, "Hey, baby. What's wrong with you?

You're acting funny.

Why so sad?"

When really what you're telling me is, "God dammit, just like suck my dick harder."

So... um... let's just say um, like, what... what would merit a 10?

What's an example?

I don't know, you're like on a... on an airplane, you're going to a wedding of this girl that you went to high school with.

Uh, two more?

Sure.

And your ex-boyfriend uh...

Your ex-boyfriend who ruined your fucking life is gonna be there.

That jerk.

All this pent-up frustration, sitting next to some dude you're never gonna see again.

That would warrant a 10.

Well... How about this guy?

Oh, no. I feel like I'll definitely see you again.

Oh, my goodness.

Bee!

Look at her!

Bee-Face.

Aw, Bees!

We're together again!

Everything's okay, you guys.

All right.

How are we gonna get through the next twelve hours?

Gena brought cocaine!

Oh, my god.

Let's use our indoor voices, about it... you know...

Here's the deal, though.

We need to do some before the bachelorette party.

Uh, it's not that kind of a party.

Hear me out.

We don't want to share our coke with rando bridesmaids.

It's for us.

It's true.

Bee-yatch-faces!

Ah-hah!

Woo!

I'm so excited, I could buy a gun.

You guys are all here, at my wedding.

Me... Isn't it just crazy?

Did Regan tell you guys just how excited I am?

Yeah.

I see Regan all the time.

I'm sick of her.

Yeah. Feeling's mutual.

I'm so sick of you.

I'm sick of you, too.

There's my sick, running down your shoulder.

Yuck!

You are the first Bee-Face to get married.

Oh.

I'm gonna cry.

No, don't cry, 'cause then I will cry too.

Like when we all watched Princess Di's funeral together, you remember that?

Too soon.

That was like fifteen years ago, pal.

Uh, that was like four years ago.

It was fifteen years ago, Katie.

It was five years ago.

I think I know when Lady Diana died.

Did Regan explain to you about the par-tay tonight?

I was just trying to tell them that, yes...

Well, okay. It's a little last-minute, but... We are having champagne... Ooh! and ice cream, in our suite after the rehearsal dinner.

Great!

And then we're gonna like, party, right?

Like ah... like woo!

Like mm... Oh.

I know.

Yeah, boring.

Right.

Old, boring, almost-married lady right here.

Yeah, it's just that uh, a lot of the bridesmaids came from out of town, so I just had to keep it really low-key.

And besides, I'm not a big partier anymore.

Not like some people.

These two.

So... all right, well... I think our car is waiting, so let's all go.

Oh. Let's go.

Byeee... We're totally gonna keep it low-key, too.

That's what we were talking about.

Just keeping it low-key.

That's the kind of girls we are.

Let's do some coke.

Yes!

Look at these people, just desperate, terrible, all of them.

They want to be like, in what, legalized slavery?

That's what it is, it's like a Jane Austen novel on crack.

That's exactly right.

Should we do some more coke?

If you do anymore coke, somebody's dick is gonna get sucked.

Oh...

Here we go.

To you and your beautiful daughter.

Yes, indeed.

Victoria, are you feeling confident about tomorrow?

Your walk down the aisle was a little bumpy.

Was it bumpy?

I don't remember it being bumpy.

Are you kidding? Best man, mother of the bride?

We got this on lockdown, don't we, Victoria?

He's handsome and funny.

Are you married, Trevor?

No.

Oh. Yeah. No, no.

I'm trying, though.

I'm just, you know... haven't found the right girl yet.

Hey.

You know how Becky wanted to keep it low-key?

Well... I got a stripper for the bachelorette party.

Stop your lies.

You don't know any strippers.

I do.

I know a freelance stripper.

That sounds amazing.

What's going on?


I just don't know... how to do it.

Like in a bathtub, with rope... I just I gotta go do something.

Okay.

Please don't leave me alone.

Now honey, why can't you...

...find a nice man like this? Hmm?

Oh, come on.

Frank is never gonna commit to you.

Frank? Who's Frank?

Her boyfriend.

He's doing his residency.

He'll be here tomorrow.

Yeah... Wow.

I bet he's busy a lot.

Tough to commit that way.

Let's just say hi to Aunt Janey, okay?

You don't want to be rude.

If you get bored, I'll be right here.

Can I get you anything?

I'm-I'm good, actually.

Hey. Hey.

Joe.

Joe... Barnes?

From back in the... we went to... high school together... Do you...?

Do you have a job?

A job? Like out-like a... yeah, I have a job um, uh, in the world. computer programming, actually.

Like a Steve Jobs kind of thing?

Uh, hmm, kind-err, no.

Not at all, actually.

I didn't found Apple.

You don't remember me, do you?

Ah... The honeymoon is a total surprise.

I haven't told her yet, but I'm gonna blow her mind.

Boar hunting?

We're going to central Germany.

It's incredible. We should... Gena?

Hi...

Hi, Clyde.

I haven't seen you since... ...that thing. since that thing I grew up next to Becky, so I was kind of around a lot.

We would hang out a little bit, and then into high school, we were in French class together. Wait. I took French?

Yes.

You actually used to copy my homework.

But no, it's-it's good.

I just wanted to say hi, and... and uh... say the hellos.

I-I sold you pot.

Oh, Joe!

That's-that's me.

You've got bangs!

Yeah, new bangs.

Do you have some?

Remember how I was telling you about the Bee-Faces, Becky's friends?

This is Gena Myers, she's one of them.

Oh, hi.

Gena, this is my sister, Stefanie.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Myers.

Oh, no. I'm not married.

And um, I'm not an adult, either, so...

Excuse me for a second.

The natives are getting restless.

Oh... You two know each other from... ...high school. since I was your age.

All right. I'm gonna go sit down, but um... Okay. will you come sit next to me?

Uh, well, whatever those little place-cards say, okay?

Bye...

What?

I didn't say anything.

That is a... dress?

No, this is a T-shirt.

I'm glad to see you're still fighting the good fight against the tyranny of pants.

I also thought maybe this would help you get a head-start.

Maybe I'm looking for a challenge.

Oh... is that why... you're trying to fuck a small child?

Good one.

You know what you should do?

Save the zingers for the speeches, Genny.

Okay.

Our seventh-grade field trip to Six Flags is coming to a close.

We're all piling on the bus to go home.

Dale lags behind, 'cause he just has to ride the Freefall at the last minute.

So he's running like hell to catch up to us, and he just bites it.

Wipes out completely, spills what must be two liters of Dr. Pepper all over his shorts, just epic.

So later, he and I are sitting in the back of the bus, and I get a whiff of Dr. Pepper and piss.

And I say, "You know, it'd be pretty funny if you pissed your pants riding Freefall, and then spilled Dr. Pepper all over yourself to try, cover it up."

And he turns to me, and he goes, "Yes, it would be.

But it would also be kinda genius.

Classic Dale.

Classic Dale.

Thank you, Trevor.

You weren't supposed to make your speech

'til tomorrow, but... it's fine.

Now we have a special surprise from the bride's cousins.

This is gonna be good.

Yo, Becky? Say what?

Yo, Dale?

Say who?

Guess what?

What who?

You getting married!

United you stand, divided you fall!

Becky and Dale, you only get one shot!

Magic.

Okay, now how about we hand it over to one of our bridesmaids Gena?

Why don't you start us off?

Hey, welcome to the wedding.

Right?

Hey... Um... so, Becky.

I love you.

Uh, we met in the high school bathroom.

You remember that? Woo...

Yeah.

Yeah, I was in there um, like, eating my lunch, 'cause I was kind of a loser.

And uh, she was in there...

That was just for like a-a... she did that for like a w-... a week.

Gena...

You guys...

I just want to make, actually, a really important announcement.

I've lost my cell phone, and last time I saw it, actually it was... it was back there, and I feel like somebody took it.

All right.

Thank you.

Wow.

Gena and Katie.

Having fun?

Yes.

Nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

Um, Katie and Gena... seem a little... or... No... No.

Oh, your mom's gonna give a speech.

Ladies, I would like to give a toast.

So if you'd all just gather 'round.

I want some fucking champagne.

I'd like to make a toast to my little girl.

To Becky.

To Becky! And Dale!

To Becky and Dale!

To Becky and Dale!

I'm sorry, but you aware of the complaints we've been getting about the noise coming from this room?

Uh, I'm so sorry.

We're just uh, we'll keep it down.

I just... I'm getting married in the morning.

Oh, I'm sorry, but... I'm gonna have to search you.

Hey, wait a minute here.

What's going on?

He's not a real cop.

He's not a real cop. Show me what you got, breeders!


Come on, Pigface.

Let's get crunk!

No. Whoa.

What did you just call me?

What happened?

Why would he say that?

Because... because it was just a j-... I mean, he was joking around, you know.

It's fine, it's fine. you're not Pigface, Becky.

Yeah... Nah.

Nobody calls you Pigface anymore.

We're all having a good time.

Yeah, it's really funny.

Like how you told everyone I was bulimic.

What the hell was that?

No.

Not like... not like that. Um... not like that at all, because that wasn't funny.

How would you like it, if I just told everyone some of your shit.

Yeah, that would be awesome.

You know what, how about everyone goes, you know? Like let's just... take a rest No. No. You know what?

Don't bother coming tomorrow, unless you're gonna act like normal people.

Of course.

Done.

Have a good night.

It was nice to meet you.

Come on, sweetie.

What do you call a bachelorette party without a bride?

Friday?

Man... I really hate weddings.

I'm so glad you're here.

All right.

So like, let's assess the situation.

Me! Me!

Becky's vagina's magic, and she used it to nab a perfect human being.

Magic's not real, right?

Magic is not real.

Yeah? How do you think I feel?

I've been planning this shit for six months straight.

I'm ready to murder someone.

I believe it.

But wait, what's her dress like?

I bet she looks beautiful.

Oh, my god.

Go get it.

Go get it!

Your mind's gonna be blown.

It's in there, it's in the closet.

Bust it out.

You know what I just keep thinking?

What?

I did everything right.

Yeah.

I went to college.

I exercise, eat like a normal person.

Yeah.

I got a boyfriend in med school.

And nothing... is happening... to me.

Are you all right?

No! I just told you.

I'm fucking miserable.

Yo, coke whores.

Pippa Middleton is here.

Ah!

She put it on her body!

Oh, my god!

Guys, two people could fit in this.

You know what you should do?

You guys should both get in it, and then I'll take a picture and put it on Facebook.

We can tag Becky.

Oh, my god.

That's a genius idea. Do it! Do it!

Do it! Oh god!

Take the picture.

Oh, my god!

If we fit in this, I am gonna pee my pants.

You know I'm gonna fit in it.

No, we're not.

We're gonna fit in it.

Oh, god.

It's like we're one person.

Yeah.

Oh, now we're in the circus!

Oh!

It-it's totally ruined.

Oh, my god!

Take it off... Just take it off.

Oh, my god!

Just... step out slowly.

Oh, my god.

Tell me this is okay.

Tell me she can still wear that.

It's okay.

She can still wear it.

It's not okay. that's unfixable!

We're fucked!

Okay. We-you know what?

We're just gonna hide it.

We're gonna have to make it look as if somebody just, you know, they broke in and they stole it.

No... We're gonna make it look as if the place is ransacked.

What are you doing?

Watch out!

What the fuck are you doing?

Stop!

Burglars!

Stop it! Stop it.

Everybody just calm down.

Okay?

We need to fix this.

All right?

I thought you said that was unfixable?

Well... I have done so much coke that I should be dead, okay?

I should have died like ten minutes ago, so perhaps we should get a second opinion.

This is an emergency.

It's an emergency.

An emergency.

I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

Well, what are we paying you for?

We're not paying her, Katie.

Somebody is paying her.

That's true.

Somebody is paying you.

Woo! Not enough.

You're supposed to help the guests of the hotel Are you a volunteer?

What kind of false economy is this?

Are y'all high?

Come over here.

Yeah.

I don't think she speaks English that well.

You're not coming to the wedding?

Oh, my god.

Your residency, my ass, Fuckface!

You knew about this for months!

Shit is going down!

I need you here.

Frank... Frank... Frank...

Regan!

We have a bit of a catastrophe here.

You wanna help us fix the fucking dress? How's Frank?

Fuck Frank!

Okay... please?

There's gotta be something you can do here.

This is housekeeping, not Project Runway.

You need a tailor.

Tailors don't work in the middle of the night.

Okay. Girlfriend to girlfriend, you gotta be able to work this out. Come on.

Bring it back first thing in the morning, and I can clean it for you.

Clean it?

It doesn't need to be cleaned.

Oh, my god!

Who's bleeding?

Wait... I'm not... Am I bleeding?

Am I bleeding?

Oh, my god!

You're bleeding!

You're bleeding!

What, I'm bleeding?

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Girl, you bled on the dress, you moron!

Oh, god!

Okay. What we need right now is like an epically brilliant plan, you know?

That's what we need.

So are you ready?

One, two, three, go!

Leave the country!

I'm gonna call Melissa, the girl we got the dress from.

Jesus H. Macy, that's a brilliant fucking plan!

How much cash you have?

I got five maxed out credit cards.

I have a twenty-dollar... I ripped it.

I got nothing.

That sums up your lives.

Whoa!

Caught in the act.

Oh, shit.

Busted. Hah-hah.

Looks like you guys caught us in route to a gentleman's club.

Are you sure you're gonna get in, 'cause I don't see any gentlemen here.

Becky, I-I uh... I know it's a little on the nose that I'm going to strip club the night before my wedding, but you know, I'm fine with it because the commitment we're about to make, that's what it's about. Look... you're okay.

I want you to see me, warts and all, and yeah I'm going to a strip club...

Becky's not here.

She's not here. Okay?

And nobody blames the dude with the blindfold, so relax.

I am also not really into this.

Yeah, you weren't blindfolded, so that's hard to believe.

Where's your mascot? Sick. She's dead.

Is that what we call Kate where is Katie? She is dead. Sick.

Would you ladies be interested in joining our little soiree?

That was not part of the deal, Trevor.

No, because we gave up strip clubs for lent, so...

And we have bridesmaid's duties...

In the middle of the night?

That's interesting.

All right. Let's go.

Limo's waiting.

I'll text you.

Please don't.

Um, if you guys do see Katie though, let her know that I have pot, 'cause we had talked about it at the thing, but there were adults... Your limo's waiting.

Oh hey, Clyde...

I just wanted to tell you that if you strike out with the pros, you know you can always call me, right?

Right.

Well... I deleted your number.

Right.

That's impressive.

In the middle of all this chaos, you had time for a crotch rub?

Paid off, though!

Ba-bam!

Oh, my god!

You guys?

I know I'm on drugs, but I swear, that room you just pushed me into?

It was moving.

we don't need not wookie tokie Objectifying?

We're paying their rent!

I feel like I'm travelling backwards.

Can I take the blindfold off?

Joe's never... you've never been to a strip club, have you?

Have I been to a strip club?

Yes.

You have.

Joe's never been to a strip club.

I have been.

Hence why I know that for a fact, once you get in there.

You never know what exactly to do.

It's weird getting a lap dance in front of other people.

Oh, my god.

There's no reason to get outraged and use words like "hence."

I'm with Joe on this one.

Oh. Dale, I will not let you kill fun on your own bachelor party.

This is like negative fun.

You don't get it.

When you meet the right girl, you don't do anything to screw it up.

You're adorable.

Uh, I beg to differ.

I met the right girl, I did everything to screw it up.

So why don't you do something about it?

Like apologize?

Well, never got the chance.

Oh, I smell a new profile pic.

You know what I want to smell?

I want to smell that burning bush I want to smell that fucking red snapper, what's her name?

Is he talking about Katie again?

Katie'd be like shooting a helpless animal.

Exactly.

Guys... Joe has a decade-long hard-on for the prom queen, so take it easy.

Oh, what about the maid of honor?

I'll take her down, then.

Mm... It's not a good idea.

Why, what do you mean?

So you know how there are like serial killers, and then there's Hannibal Lector?

Yeah?

There are girls, and there's Regan.

Hide it.

Hide it in the bag.

After tonight, no more coke.

None. No more coke.

I'm having like one of those moments of clarity right now.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Where is this Melissa chick, Regan?

I'm calling her.

I've got it under control, okay?

Go back to your little intervention.

It's not an intervention.

We're gonna get a dress.

A whole new dress!

What are you talking about?

Why don't we fix this dreThat's a great idea!

Hey, Melissa!

Hi.

Yeah, we're out... we're just outside the bridal shop.

Melissa!

Melissa!

Hello.

Oh, look. Look.

It's the maid of honor from hell that has landed on my doorstep.

No, I'd much rather be here with you and your skanky friends than maybe getting touched by my husband Thanks. I can't wait.

Chill out.

You're beautiful.

Okay. You're being nice, and it's scaring me. Stop.

What do you need?

Well, our lovely bride decided she didn't want to wear her dress.

I'm sorry.

I was just in my brain, and I was just really hurting you.

What did you just say?

Ba-bam!

If I am still working in retail by the time I'm 40, I will kill myself.

I know you guys think I'm joking, but I'm not.

I will take a shotgun, and I will blow...

Woman... chillax. my... head off.

Please.

Seriously, you guys.

Okay.

All right.

Fun, fun, fun.

Oh!

This is all I have, and it's still a size too small.

Is this pretty?

Or is it ugly?

It's gorgeous.

It's the dress you wanted to get married in, ever since you were a little girl I mean, it would look so much better on you, but it's gorgeous!

Everyone wants this cut. I mean, not in this size, obviously.

But this is so popular.

Everybody wants it.

No. Okay, we want it. Yeah.

WrapNo. up!

Wrap it up. Hang it up. Pigface!

No!

Over my dead body.

Regan!

Bee!

What the fuck?

Come on, that was our solution!

This is the problem... Becky can't wear that dress!

Becky can't wear that dress.

What? Okay, listen to me.

This is clearly like some girl shit that I don't understand, so may I just be very, very diplomatic and say let it fucking go?

No!

I'm not gonna watch Becky Archer walk down the aisle in my dream dress.

I'd rather lick this sidewalk.

Great!

Lick the sidewalk, then, please.

I'm gonna lick it, too. Don't be ridiculous.

You don't lick the sidewalk.

You lick the sidewalk, I'll let it go.

A little lick.

Like a cat lick.

Like a cat lick.

Ugh.

Be encouraging.

I'm mentally preparing myself.

Just do it fast, please.

Like you're ripping off a Band-Aid Like anal sex.

Becky can't wear that dress.

A-a biased cut would look awful on her.

It utilizes the stretch of the fabric in a diagonal direction, accentuating body lines.

It would fit her like a silk stuffed sausage casing.

Rain man?

How did you know all that stuff, just now?

I spent a semester at F.I.T.

Katie? Katie? Yes?

Do you know how to sew things?

Oh.

Of course I know how to sew.

Oh. Okay.

Are you ready to Betsy Ross the shit out of this dress? Yes.

Good.

This tastes like gasoline.

Good.

'Cause you love the smell of gasoline.

It's perfect.

We should get some magic markers while we're here!

Oh, wait.

I know a guy who can get us marijuana.

Ted.

Joe.

You should throw that guy a bone.

Who, Ted?

Joe!

I bet he's super good in bed. What?

Yeah.

Why would you say that?

Have you ever fucked a guy who like never got laid in high school?

But how would I know that?

Oh, 'cause they're just really good at it.

They're really good at sex, 'cause they had to wait for it for so long.

It's like a total Krakow situation.

Krakow?

Brian Krakow, from My So Called Life.

Come on.

Okay, listen to me.

There are two different types of guys in bed.

Mm-hmm.

Number one, Brian Krakow.

Didn't have sex 'til college, super grateful.

Literally makes a home down here, sets up shop, wants to live in it.

Number two, Jordan Catalano.

Won't go near the area.

Terrified of it.

Very good looking, but you know, not worth the time.

If you ask me-... What are you doing?

Why do you have the baby out of the garbage bag?

I'm matching the thread color to the dress.

Uh, it's a wedding dress.

I think maybe it's white.

Oh, actually... it's ivory.

Actually, it's pearl.

Okay. You know what?

Knowing stuff like that does not make you guys cool.

It makes you... Amazing?

Gorgeous?

Incredible?

God blessed me with perfect tits.

It's only right that people should know that.

I was gonna say makes you stupid.

This Trevor guy keeps texting me.

He wants us to go to that strip club.

Oh! Guys, we have to go to a strip club.

Please?

Guys, it's like 2 a.m.

She wakes up in five hours.

Okay. How fast can you sew?

It'll be faster if I had a sewing machine.

Oh, my god.

You know who could get us a sewing machine?

Catalano.

No. More like looks like Krakow and treats you like Catalano.

free your ming and the rest will follow... I'm the President of the United States.

Totally kidding.

You want a dance, handsome?

Oh, I'm-I'm good. Err, uh, I mean, I'm not-help... what are the parameters gonna be, for such a dance?

Jesus Christ almighty.

He said you're not his type.

Okay, I'm talking to the retard here.

Snap!

Here's twenty dollars. Leave us alone.

Look, it's just like taking a woman on a date.

You just have to make her feel terrible about herself.

Same goes for strippers.

I am so sorry that he's referring to you in-in such a manner.

Does it look like it bothers her?

She's doesn't give a shit.

Here you go.

That was unique and special.

Thank you very much.

That was terrible.

Oh, shit!

I got a text from Hannibal.

Looks like some sluts are on their way.

Becky's friends are coming here?

Wait, is Katie with them?

Yes.

Relax. I'm out of here.

Keep the limo I'll see you guys tomorrow. Dale, come on.

I got a table booked downtown.

What are you doing? We've got bottles Where are you going?

I've got wedding photos in the morning.

That is a dick move.

This is like a classy place.

I've got a wedding tomorrow!

This is like the Harvard of strip clubs.

Hey, Joe. I'm gonna make sure Lector brings your drunk prom queen for you, 'cause I'm gonna make it my mission to get you in that tonight.

That's awesome, but I-I-I... can we stop referring to her as a "that"?

All right. You in, Clyde?

No, I got something else going on here.

No, no, no. No females without a male escort.

What?

That's really sexist, and homophobic, because you don't... you don't know us.

We could be lesbians.

These are my girlfriends. What the fuck?

All right. Down the street.

Did you... just call us prostitutes?

Did you just call us prostitutes?

Down the street.

Listen, I got a scholarship to Princeton.

Hey, Dale! Dale, Dale, Dale!

Can you get us in?

I didn't know you guys were coming down.

Place is kind of gross.

It's okay. They're with me.

Hey, you don't have to pay for it.

What is this, misogyny night... ...at Scores?

We can vote.

I have never voted.

Have fun in there.

You guys'll fit right in.

Guys... It's in this one!

It's not even in a white bag, Katie!

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Okay.

We got it. Done.

What are you doing?

What are you fucking doing?

Don't drop it in the garbage.

I'm stepping on it.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Katie!

Okay! I found it...

Rock n Roll Hoochie Co... This must be what it feels like to go to the Oscars.

Ew... it's like Iran in here.

Okay, so I'm gonna go find the bathroom, and I'm gonna clean off the dress.

Okay, we'll find Clyde.

She's not a stripper, right?

She's on a pole.

Let's rock the red carpet.

Listen, if I'm not out in five minutes, you should probably claim the body.

I'm serious.

Hey, can I have some money?

No.

We're waiting for Gena and Clyde, and then we're leaving Pull this dress up, you don't work here!

Can I have some money, please?

Yeah, definitely.

Thank you.

They're just all such beautiful dancers, I can't pick who to give money to.

That's so sweet.

I always ask them their stories, too.

'Cause you never know like where they... Oh.

She's gonna be so happy.

Her son's gonna have the gift of sight!

Why don't you ask her to smoke pot with you?

Why is that actually a good idea?

Is that cool to do?

Please. I need a break from "that".

We're not calling her "that".

We're trying not to call her "that".

I called her "that" earlier.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Your security guy's-the security's... Thank you.

That was amazing, but I'm a little bored now.

Hey, is there anything you can do to help Joe score with Katie?

No.

Why?

I'm a completely powerless figurehead.

I'm like Truman at Geneva.

You mean Truman at Potsdam?

I think I know what I'm talking about.

Truman inherited the presidency because Roosevelt died.

Poor fuck got sworn in, flown to Potsdam to deal with Stalin and Churchill, figure out what the fuck to do with post-war Germany and all of Europe.

Geneva conference is completely different thing.

So I think you meant Truman at Potsdam.

Oh. I switched it, 'cause I'm a little drunk.

It wouldn't have made sense anyway, because Truman had the trump card, he had the Bomb.

So really, he was in control the whole time.

Oh, do you believe in magic?

Yes, I do. That's... abso-yes.

Do you believe in a magic vagina?

A magic vagina?

It would bewitch you with its magic.

I've been bewitched by vaginas before.

It's scary, actually.

I think I might be stupid.

Why would you say that about yourself?

I don't understand anything anyone is talking about, most of the time.

That has nothing to do with intelligence.

It's like this... there's lots of different kinds of smart, you know, and you just have to discover which smart you are.

See, I-I don't understand what you just said.

That's okay, neither do I.

Be honest, would you marry a stripper?

Um... Shh... shh... shh... shh...

There's no touching allowed.

Okay.

Did you know that?

I... did-hadn't really... We're not allowed to touch.

Okay. Well, I'm not...

I mean, my hands are down. I'm not...

Mm-mm... But if you wanted to, you could.

I'm confused. It's not allowed, but I can?

If you wanted to touch me, you could.

I'm gonna give it a shot. Okay.

Okay.

Just... all right.

Mm-hmm. That's $200.

That's $200?

Mm-hmm.

That's $200?

Two-zero-zero.

Okay. Well, I-I mean, I feel like that's a... that's a-a pretty good... deal...

Oh, Genny.

These guys suck.

Hand full of splooge.

Been there.

Is it your first night?

No... but pretty rad that you think I'm hot enough to work here.

You okay?

No. Because... my stupid ex-boyfriend's in the back right now, getting humped by some skank.

No offense.

We are skanks.

It's so dumb.

Like honestly, I don't even know why I'm freaking out about it.

I should be fixing the dress, not obsessing over him, Look, the only reason why Romeo is back there is because he knows he's not getting laid tonight.

It's true.

Yeah. I mean, if he thought he had a chance with you, he would be all over your ass, like a fat kid eating cake.

Thanks.

Yeah. Men are all sorts of fucked.

They feel insecure for one second and they need to go feel powerful for a couple of hours.

Women feel shitty about themselves and they just go cry in the bathroom.

Yeah.

Or they stab each other in the back.

Yeah, I guess there's that, too.

Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

I should like, do this more often, come to these bathrooms, you know.

So much cheaper than going to a fucking therapist.

Yeah!

All right!

That's great. Thank you.

Regan!

Whoa, we're still having... What is that?

I need to talk to her for a second.

Where's Katie?

I don't know. This place is like a fucking maze.

Okay. Well, we gotta get out of here if we're ever gonna... We need to find Clyde...

No to get the sewing machine.

No, it's a change of plans.

Do you think they'd let me work here, if I take my clothes off?

Oh, my god. You let her smoke pot?

I can't control her.

You can't control her.

That's hilarious.

Why are you talking about me like I'm not here?

I'm calling Becky, and I'm telling her about the dress, 'cause I can't handle this anymore.

Hah! So you can be the big fucking hero?

No! I'm the only one doing anything!

You don't handle shit!

I handle shit. and I handle shit... What's the plan, Gena?

It doesn't matter!

I'm just telling her about the fucking dress.

What happens when all the fucking responsibility comes down on you? You're gonna call me...

No.

Yeah, you are.

You're gonna call me, and I'll fucking handle it Just like I handled your abortion, because I had to fucking drive you.

You guys had an abortion without me?

Okay.

I'm sorry. No.

Gena, stop.

What is that shit?

I-I didn't even get to come?

Clyde, I need you to help me.

Security!

Clyde! Come on.

No, he can't leave. He owes me $200.

See this?

It's worth a lot of money, okay?

So don't blow it all in one place.

See you later.

Whatever.

Wait, Gena!

Fuck you!

You're a bad-ass.

Wait! No, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

We're not getting on the floor tonight. Nope.

We're going... Do I still look okay?

We're going home now, okay?

She really goes from 60 to zero.

No, you're not going home.

You said you needed a break.

That was before. You're not going home.

Joe, take Katie home.

Whoa. Who is Joe?

He's right behind you.

I'm Joe.

Hello.

Here's what's happening.

You're staying with me, call your friend, as soon as she picks up I'll take you right to her.

The most efficient way of handling it.

Wait, wait, wait. Um... Sorry.

Think I'm gonna be sick... No, I'm good. I'm good.

She's good! I'm good.

Okay.

Aw... Young love.

All right. Okay.

Okay.

You wanna throw up?

Here, let me take you to throw up.

Uh-uh, I'm good.

No, come on. Let's go.

Joe, come here.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

I'm trying to get you alone with her.

She's GTG, man.

What's GTG again?

Good to go!

She's good to go!

Take her home and slip it in.

I'm not gonna slip it in.

She is wasted, that'd be like rape.

Slipping it in to a girl that's about to pass out...?

I'm telling you, take these.

That'll help.

What are these? Are these... dude, are these date rape drugs?

They're fucking Xanax, dude, for you.

You're fucking paranoid.

You smoked too much.

Would you relax?

What am I doing?

All right.

I like to see you man up.

Now, do you want Regan, or do you want Katie?

You can take her.

Katie's hotter.

Yeah. Good call.

Look, she's throwing up right now, that's not so hot.

What is wrong with you?

I don't know.

Hey.

Thank you, Joe.

All good?

All right. Yeah. Yeah. so Joe's going with Katie... You're going with Joe.

Great. Yeah.

We're GTG, we're good to go.

Okay. Perfect GTG?

Yeah, GTG what?

Why you stealin' my shit?

I didn't hear you say that.

That's my line.

This is the best night of my life, you guys!

How can you not have a Metro card?

Uh, because I live in Los Angeles?

Yeah, but you've been here for like a day.

Thank you, Gena, for helping me get out of that sticky situation with that wasted stripper that I could not pay for.

Oh, you're so welcome, Clyde.

Are you kidding?

I could have paid for the stripper, if you hadn't taken my wallet.

How long are you gonna pretend to be mad at me, Gena?

It's starting to hurt my feelings.

Listen to me.

I've got like mere hours to get this dress fixed and cleaned, and make sure nothing else happens to it, so I am so sorry, Clyde, that your feelings are not at the top of my list of things to give a shit about.

Wow, so you're actually mad at me.

That's interesting.

You know what You got pregnant a long time years ago.

And I felt bad about it ever since.

And you know, there's this thing, it's called life, and we have to get on with it.

We got pregnant.

I took care of it.

You made mix tapes about it.

I-I was 18.

I was 15.

You were 16, and we were in love.

Remember Fast Times?

Fast Times?

You remember that movie?

Do you remember who the bad guy was?

It was Damone.

The asshole didn't show up for the appointment.

That's you, mother fucker.

I am not I am not Damone!

I'm not Damone!

I can't believe you cannot see that you are Damone.

Don't call me... dude, don't call me fucking Damone...

What do you want me to do about it now?

I just want you to help me fix the dress.

I don't want to have this conversation.

I just want to fix the dress.

And chemo when you're 12 sucks.

Yeah, it's gotta suck.

I mean, 12 sucks in general, especially when you're a girl That's when it happens.

When what, when what happens?

You start hating yourself.

Ah, I can't believe Gena isn't texting me back!

Hey, you know what?

I got an idea.

Why don't you just relax?

Put the phone away.

Doesn't sound like your friend needs you, anyway.

No, this was a mistake.

I gotta go.

No-no-no-no.

You're not going. Stay. Come on.

I want to hear about this. Why do you start to hate yourself?

'Cause, I, I don't know.

Uh, you wouldn't understand

Well, I think, I think you're unhappy and you have no reason to be, and that's what makes you hate yourself.

Let me guess, psych major.

Psych major with a lucrative advertising job.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Belittle me.

Is that what you do to your boyfriend?

Does that work for him?

Not really.

I shouldn't have brought it up.

Yeah, but you did.

So probably I would tell you that you're beautiful and what you're doing with retarded kids is amazing.

They have cancer.

Whatever.

I like to compliment a woman because she deserves it, not because she needs attention.

I don't need attention.

Ooh, got off some steam there.

You're mad.

I'm not mad.

Are you kidding me?

You're fucking livid.

Oh, don't do that.

Just want to give you what you want.

What do I want?

You want somebody to put you in your place.

Where's that?

Where do you want it?

Ah! Harder!

Uh, harder!

Shut the Fuck Up Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, you shut the fuck up.

Yeah, shut the fuck up cunt.

Shit! Shit, shit.

Fuck. Shit, shit.

Hey.

Hey, this is Becks.

Can you come to my room?

Oh yeah. I'm not doing anything.

We need to talk.

Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

Uh, give me a couple minutes.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Don't cum on my dress.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I can't believe I gave all my coke to your filthy stripper.

Do me a favor and don't mention that in your recap of the evening.

Aw, that's my favorite part, though.

Clyde?

Hey, Mom.

I thought you were at a wedding.

You remember...?

Gena?

I don't think you've eaten since the last time I saw you.

We need your help.

Yeah.

Oh my Lord.

It's a really long story without much of a payoff, so...

I've seen worse.

When do you need it?

Three hours.

It's a miracle you need, not me.

Sheila, you made every one of the costumes for all the schools plays and you made my prom dress from scratch!

You can do it.

Clyde, make us some coffee and food.

Gena?

Yeah?

I'll get you some pants.

Why are doors so heavy in this place? Uh-oh.

I don't think this is your room.

No, no.

This is definitely my room.

But somebody has moved the furniture around.

They put a pool right in the middle of my room.

This is fucking fantastic!

Wait, are you coming?

Yeah. I am.

Oh!

It's beautiful!

You okay?

It's beautiful.

Moments like these, I think to myself, my parents have no idea where I am right now.

Ah.

I'm so awake now.

Watch me do a handstand!

Be careful, it's three feet deep.

You're seriously making pancakes right now?

I am.

Yours has a sad face made out of chocolate chips, because the world is an asshole and it's gonna get you.

Why are you on your phone at 4.30 in the a.m.?

Don't worry about it, you know?

And... I am totally tagging you in that photo.

You totally stalk me online, don't you?

Maybe.

Sometimes.

Weekly.

Pervert.

Who are you calling?

Who are you calling?

You're so nosy.

I'm calling my friend's dealer, okay, so I can get some cocaine for tonight, so I can make it through.

Give me my phone back.

Give it back to me.

Give it to me.

What are you doing?

Why did you do that?!

Oh my God!

I can't believe that you just did that!

Believe it.

Why did you do that?

It's not cute anymore, Gen.

Hey.

What's up?

I think we need to talk.

I wanted to... Look, Beck... What? What?

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Oh, no. You go first.

I called you 'cause I feel really bad about what happened earlier.

I overreacted.

Emotions were running really high.

You've been a trooper.

And I know that this Maid of Honor stuff must have been, like, really hard for you.

Yeah, but I'm really happy for you.

Regan.

I shouldn't have blown up like that.

I mean, I wanted to see the stripper go the full thing.

Yeah.

It would've been great to see one more dick before, before I see Dale's for the rest of my life, but... you've just done so much work for this wedding, just put your own shit aside in order to do everything.

So.. thank you.

I have to pee.

Oh, '94 talent show.

Your leotards are phenomenal.

I won that shit every single year, right?

Yeah, but '94 was special.

That was the year you got a bra.

Which you stole.

I could find it if I looked for it.

Please do not do that.

You know what was great about us?

What?

We were friends.

Everyone else, they had so much ...drama.

But we were like...

We were friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What happened?

I mean, I kinda needed you to drive me that day.

I needed you to go with me and you didn't show up.

I couldn't.

Why couldn't you?

I was too sad.

This is awesome.

Did I puke on you?

No. Well, yeah.

Not directly.

You puked on Regan, though.

Okay, once, I was so stoned, I thought I was in an episode of 90210 and I kept yelling, "Dylan!"

That's fucking awesome.

I got so fucked up once off 'shrooms that I started a fight club with my cats.

Okay, okay.

I once got so wrecked that I woke up naked next to a hamburger and I was like, did I just have sex with a hamburger?

Good for that hamburger.

Okay, once I slit my wrist with a broken bottle.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

When did that happen?

Like a year ago.

I sh-shouldn't have told you that.

No, no.

You can say stuff like that.

No, no, I, it was an accident.

I, really, I party too hard.

You don't have to explain anything to me.

I'm sorry, that, I, I shouldn't have done that.

No.

So, Genny, I think it's time we have a serious conversation.

You look different.

I got you to smile.

How many things do you need to show me in your closet?

This is getting a little strange.

Oh, wait a second.

Oh my God.

What is that?

You are going to find out.

Oh my God.

When I wake up

well I know I'm gonna be

I'm going be the man who wakes up next to you

when I go out, Yeah I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonn be the man who goes along with you

If I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who get's drunk next to you Can you turn this off

And if I haver, hey I know I'm gonna be Genny?

But I would walk 500 miles Don't call me that Genny Nobody calls me that anymore, okay? Don't.

Genny

I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you

And when the money comes in for the work I do

I'll pass almost every penny on to you

When I come home, Oh I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who come back home to you

And if I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you

But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

Da d-da da, da d-da, da d-da, da d-da

Da-da-da dun-diddle un-diddle un-diddle a dada

Da d-da da, da d-da, da d-da, da d-da

Da-da-da dun-diddle un-diddle un-diddle a dada You know what?

I'm so sorry.

Um, w-what if we did this another night?

Well, why?

I just, my dick is really cold right now and...

Come on.

I'm giving you what you want, so let's just get it over with. No, I... Katie, please.

I just, I can't. I... But why not?

You're drunk and that's fine.

You've been drunk all night and I don't want y-I'm drunk, there's drunk going on, and it just doesn't, I don't like the way it's happened. I'm so stupid.

No, no, no.

I like you s-Katie, I like you so much.

Then why don't you want to have sex?

Why don't you come back with me?

'Cause I like you.

That's what I'm telling you.

It does-this, this is, this, hopefully, will... it just doesn't... I don't like the way it's happened right now. It's not...

But I'm just telling you that I don't care.

Katie, that's fine.

I, I do, though.

It's just, it's not fair to me.

I don't know what you're talking about right now.

Do you even care that it's me?

I mean, do you even know... Fuck Do you even know my name?

But wait, I do,

Bob?

Starts with a 'b'?

You know what this is like?

It's really just like high school, but instead of French homework, it's my dick.

Well that's not true because French was actually hard.

[Hey, you've reached Gena.

Oh my God, Gena.

I'm freaking out.

I'm with Becky right now.

I don't know what to do!

I-I-I can't do this anymore.

Call me back.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I thought you'd stopped.

I haven't done this in years, okay?

I'm just stressed out and I needed, I needed something for myself.

And I needed to feel better, okay?

Remember when we'd skip AP English class and hang out in the bathroom?

We'd like bitch out those smokers so that we could have the really cool stall at the end.

The disabled toilet.

Then we'd just like talk and talk for like 90 minutes the entire period.

I really miss that.

Just that.

Like all day, I'd seriously look forward to it.

Then the Vice Principal found us.

And she said she was gonna tell your parents that you were throwing up on purpose.

And I said, "No, it was me. I was, like, doing it.

I, it was totally my problem.

And then everyone found out and they were like "Eh, Becky.

She can't even throw up properly.

She's so fat.

Take a laxative!"

And then I was crying.

And what did you say?

I said, "Fuck everyone."

Yeah.

You don't know how many times I've said that to myself And that makes me feel a whole lot better.

Becks?

I need to tell you something.

What?

I did something terrible.

Oh, what is it?

What's going on?

Is everything all right?

Yeah.

Well, hair and makeup is gonna be in your room in an hour.

So we need to get going, okay?

Holy shit.

It's time.

It's time.

Oh, it's time... It's time.

Fuck my life.

Oh.

You still do that.

Fuck!

Wedding!

Shit!

Oh, dress!

She's coming!

Look alive, people.

Oh, do you have a second?

I'm on the phone.

Okay, but... the wedding dress?

We can't find... Assholes.

Okay.

Jesus Christ, perv!

What are you doing in here?

I was j-it's Katie.

Oh, what now?

Sh-I'm a little worried.

I came back here to... she's locked herself in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, great!

And I wasn't spying on you.

They let me in 'cause I was looking for Katie.

Can someone get a Mimosa ready for the bride?

Sure.

Time check? 7.10.

Good, great.

It's probably fine, but it is just... she hasn't been responding, and...

Katie!

You can't lock yourself in the bathroom when it isn't your wedding.

Open this door.

What do you think... how?

You're a genius.

Didn't you invent iPads or something?

Why does everyone think I invented the iPad?

Keep trying this number until you get Gena.

Why is your face like that?

Here she is! Yay!

I'm so excited, I could kill myself.

Oh, don't make any promises.

You said that you would clean it if I fixed it.

I fixed it!

She's still not answering?

What is that?

Ow!

I was just about to go check.

How 'bout some music?

Yeah.

Thanks, Well, what's going on in there?

Maybe I should call the front desk.

Should I go in, do you think?

No, she's got it under control.

Knock it off!

We need to call a locksmith.

No, she's being a fucking baby.

I'm not gonna draw any more attention to her.

But knocking down the door?

That's real fucking discreet.

Regan?

Oh, fuck me.

One second, Becks.

If that bitch finds out that that bitch is pulling some seventh grade tantrum bullshit, we're dead.

And I've lost the wedding dress.

Regan?

No, I didn't.

What is it?

It's for you.

I don't want any.

It's Gena.

Move, move, move, move!

Where the fuck are you?

Where the hell is it?

Why aren't you picking up your cell?

I'm downstairs, it's being dry-cleaned, and I threw it out a window.

Dry-cleaned? How long?

They said 40 minutes.

Fine. Get a new phone.

Okay. What? How?

Regan?

Steal one.

Um, Regan.

This isn't what I ordered.

This isn't what she ordered!

I said peonies.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What is that?

They're doing maintenance in the bathroom.

This hotel's disgusting.

Honey, I think those roses are gorgeous.

But it's just not... what we planned, you know?

Fuck this. You get peonies.

Downstairs.

Centerpieces for the reception, take some peonies from there, new bouquet up here, 40 minutes.

I love you.

Relax!

Are you excited?

Oh my God, yes!

Ask them...

Go make yourself useful.

Go pick some peonies!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Oh my... oooh, shit!

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Katie, you stupid fucking idiot.

Come in, shut the fuck... oh my God.

Just fucking go!

She's on the floor.

Well, wrap her up!

Come on!

What did you do to her?

Nothing!

We, I mean, we were i-in the pool area...

Wrap her up! Wrap her up!

I'm gonna get some water, we're gonna sing her her favorite song!

Well, shouldn't we, like, get an ambulance?

No. She does this every weekend.

Why is she in the bathtub?

Well, isn't that what you do?

No. Just pour the water on her and sing the song.

Like this.

What song?

These dreams are... when I close my eyes.

Every second of the night, I live another life.

Hurry the weddings in an hour.

I, I really, I, I need the dress.

Now!

They're working on it.

I am going home.

What's your name?

Theresa.

Theresa!

I know that you hate me from yesterday.

I hate fucking hate me too from yesterday.

Can we start fresh today?

New leaf, please?

Yeah, all right.

Really?

You'll stay?

I really have strong feelings for you right now.

Take it easy.

The further I'm away, further I'm away.

There's something out there...

Why aren't you waking up?

It is very surprising at this point

'cause your lips are literally fucking blue, now.

Okay, now I'm getting really scared.

Come on.

Let's laugh about this.

When you passed out? PLEASE WAKE UP!!!

Come on.

Look!

It's not fucked up anymore!

It's a miracle!

Yay!

It's finally happening.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't cry. we need the other bridesmaids.

Where are the other two girls?

Uh, Gena and Katie are on their way.

Okay, and why don't we get the bride in her dress so we can...

Yeah, okay, yeah, that's what I was gonna do.

Yeah.

I need to get my dress on.

I need to get my dress on.

Yes, very-I don't know.

She was definitely breathing.

Why aren't you singing?

I'm on the phone with the paramedics.

She's always like this.

What is this?

It's Xanax.

Trevor gave them to me.

They must have fallen out of my pocket.

Trevor?

Yes. Five-five minutes.

They're gonna be here in five minutes.

It's Manhattan on Saturday.

Five minutes is like 30 minutes.

Get her out of the tub.

Just a minute!

Yeah?

Um, we're just missing Katie and Gena.

I guess we found Katie.

Why are you here?

Becky's asking for her dress.

Do you, like, know where it is?

With Gena.

Both will be here momentarily But the itinerary said that we were supposed to...

Reviving a fucked-up bitch wasn't on the itinerary either Cover for me.

Okay.

Give her to me.

Okay.

All right, Katie.

Come on.

What are you do... you're hurting her!

I'm helping her. she can take it.

There it is. Good job!

Get it all out.

Good job. Good job.

Good job.

Why would you ever do that to yourself?

I wanted to be beautiful.

Thank you! Thank you!

Where is Regan?

Let me fucking go.

Oh, she's here.

Regan, what's going on?

I just... What is on your dress?

Oh, I... sorry.

Well, where is her dress?

Uh, it's being steamed.

I-I can't leave here without my dress.

I don't believe this!

Let's just...

I don't know what's going on with the steaming or whatever, but I don't care.

I want the dress right here, on my daughter immediately.

She can't wear the dress in the car, Victoria Silk?

Plus sitting in traffic?

What does that equal?

Sweat wrinkles. Exactly, thank you Oh my God.

You think of everything.

That's why she's Maid of Honor.

Let's go.

Don't close your eyes. Just talk to me now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to her?

I'm taking her to the hospital.

What?

Somebody vomited in the bathtub.

She kinda o'd'ed on Xanaxes.

You fucking...!

They weren't mine!

Whose? Whose? Trevor!

Trevor.

What do you want?

Wait. You actually...

Car Five, are we ready? Good!

You can't just barge in here like that. Oh.

Hey.

Holy shit!

What the fuck are you doing?

Why the fuck did you do that?

Ah! Come here.

You motherfucker!

It's me! It's me, it's me.

Where are you?

We're getting into the car.

Okay, I'm on my way.

All right. Meet me there, ese.

Oh, God.

Okay, let's get to the wedding.

Fuck!

Hey.

How is she?

They're saying she's fine.

You okay? You okay?

Okay, I'll go, I'll go with you to the hospital.

No, she wants us to go to the wedding!

She keeps saying go to the wedding.

They don't even have to pump her stomach.

They're just checking her as a precaution.

Really?

Regan saved her life.

That woman is fucked in the head, but...

She's a good friend. Yeah, I know.

Okay.

I'll see you at the wedding!

Okay.

Taxi!

Hey, Gena.

I need to talk to you.

No. No. Clyde.

Get in the cab!

Isn't that dress supposed to be on the bride right now?

Yes! Get in the car!

Sir! S... I will suck your dick if you get us there in two minutes.

Look, I... I think we might be meant for each other.

And I'm not kidding Scratch that.

This guy will suck your dick.

Look, and it's not just because we have like, the greatest sex I... whoa!

Whoa!

See, I, your body looks so great.

Shut up.

I love your body so much.

Oh my God, you cannot just fuck things into being better.

Then tell me what I should do.

I'm getting married.

I'm getting married in my pajamas.

Honey, you've just got to calm down.

I don't think she's got the dress.

Honey, just don't pay any mind to it.

It's all fucked up.

I'm gonna walk in wearing my pajamas like I'm fucking Michael Jackson.

It's like I've been at a fucking concert for the past decade.

A concert?

Yeah, it's a, it's a metaphor.

Okay? It's like I've been at a concert... Okay.

And I'm swaying back and forth and somebody passes me something, and I drink it or smoke it... Smoke it? you know, it doesn't matter! Shut up!

I hate you!

And I hate you!

I hope you fucking die!

It's gonna be waiting for us there, right?

I'm right about that, aren't I, Regan, so quiet in the back.

Come on, Gena, you can do this.

Take a left here.

In the past 24 hours, I've realized that I don't even like the concert.

I don't like the music.

I don't like the band.

None of it.

I-I... And like, maybe, if I had just picked a different fucking band, maybe I woulda had a better time at the concert.

I really think I'm in love with you.

Oh my God, if you take Park Avenue, I will fucking end you I will end you!

Of all the things you've done in the entire time we've known each other, this is the worst.

You fucking blonde cunt!

This is shit!

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

I saved the day! I saved the day!

Okay, okay.

Let's do this!

Okay. Okay.

All right, let's get this shit on.

Now, put your arms up!

Got it? let me get the veil, so it doesn't...

We got the dress!

Yeah! Yeah! Heck yeah!

Wa-wa-wa-wait-wait.

What happened to it?

What happened there?

Tell me. Tell me!

It's just, there's a little rip.

The stitching.

'Cause it ripped a little bit. And that's just like a tin... like a little blood and, and semen.

What?

I don't know if it's semen. It might be semen. you ruined it!

Shh. It's okay.

No, you don't see it. I swear.

Oh fuck.

I can't do this.

Rebecca Archer!

You're going to walk down that aisle and you are going to marry the man down there.

Everyone thinks I'm too fat for him.

Fuck everyone!

Right!

Fuck everyone!

Yeah! Fuck everyone!

I like ice cream!

Fuck everyone!

Yes!

Okay. Flowers.

You're beautiful.

Give me a hug.

Wait, uh, you go-going?

No. I have vomit on me.

Okay. Right. Okay.


I would like to close this ceremony with a blessing.

But it is as timeless and enduring as love itself.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warm to the other.

Now you will feel no loneliness, for each of you will be a companion... Wait.

Are you crying?

Come on.

You haven't cried since Thomas J. Died in My Girl.

It's a perfect wedding.

Are we gonna be okay, you guys?

Let's toast to something, okay?

All right.

What should we drink to?

To the EMT crew.

Sure.

To never doing any of that ever again.

Cheers.

Oh, fuck it, let's just get a drink.

Yes!

How, how are you feeling... I mean, you drank quite a bit.

I really like you a lot.

Well, I like you too.

But I don't know what to do when I'm around somebody I like, except for sleep with them or get really drunk.

I-I mean, you can just be nice to them.

I'll be nice to you, you be nice to me.

Really? that's what people do, yeah.

Thank you for letting me copy your homework.

You're welcome.

Thank you for, for not dying today.

Mm.

It's kinda blowing my mind.

I feel like, like for the last decade, I've been at like, at a concert. Right? Just kinda...

Oh please take your self-actualization somewhere else.

I'm trying to sleep.

Oh, hey, you guys.

Hello.

Is this working?

Uh, testing, testing, testing.

Sibilance, sibilance.

Tom Hanks, SNL.

Um, uh, Becky and Dale.

Such a beautiful wedding.

Yeah. A gorgeous wedding.

I think we all felt like stars tonight in the sky of your love Yeah!

So, Dale, you said something to me last night.

You said that when you find the right girl...

Did you go out last night?

When you, when you got it uh, good, you don't do anything to screw it up.

But for some people, um, and I'm one of them, I think you have to screw it up uh, before you realize that you've got it good.

I-I I'm just excited because Gena and I, we had sex last night.

What the fuck?

We did, but like who cares, right?

I-I can say that.

Can I say that?

But the thing is, is when we're having sex, it's fine, I put my penis uh, into um, Gena's vagina... Please.

And then I took it out.

And then I, I put it in again.

And then I took it out.

And then it just kinda went on like that for a while.

And I, what I realized was I wanted to just keep doing that for the rest of my life.

That's kinda where I am at right now.

Uh, but that's not the only reason I'm up here.

I'm also um, here to, When I wake up, well you know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you.

Stop it! Stop it!

When I get out, well you know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who... yeah, really? Okay.

No, I can't sing.

But you understand what I was trying to do?

Yeah.

Yeah? All right.

Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pass it off...

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be... What?

I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you.

When I go out, well, I know I'm gonna be,

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you.

If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be,

I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you.

And if I haver, yeah, I know I'm gonna be,

I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you. Call me.

Come to the bathroom.

Oh, fuck off!

I would walk 500 Miles

and I would walk 500 more

just to be the man who walked a 1000 miles