Backyard Ashes (2013) Script

Started out last night I was thinking of days gone by Of the times I've had And the things that I left behind Some change, some die Still we manage to survive It's knowing where and what to do It's up to you Don't know what's going on I can't wait till One summer I'll find a way One summer Will always remain One summer Remember the way Hauled down, turned around Find myself facing the wall I think back to school It's all the same Slightly different rules Outside on your own...

You wouldn't be dead for quids.

Well, the beast is looking in great nick, mate.

Yeah, Merv, what do you reckon?

She's the bee's knees, Dougie.

Come on, mate. Show 'em the new modifications.

Yeah, a test run would be most interesting.

Alright, where's Lil?

I think we're clear for lift-off.

Maybe a tad too much gas.

Nah. She's a bloody ripper, Dougie!

What are you boys up to over there?

Um, nothing, Lil, nothing at all.

Oh, get away with you, Pigeon. Make sure you get my good side, huh.

Mm... we don't want to end up in one of your bloody 'Viewtube' videos.

It's YouTube, Mum. Mm, same thing.

Watch the pitch, Spock.

Just testing the moisture content, you silly bastard.

Can we skip the pitch reportage bullshit for once, Spock?

Language, Bin. Sorry, my love.

Yeah, language, Bin.

His language has gone to shit since he's been hanging with you bunch of Aussie bastards.

You're a lucky man, Bin.

You're on a bloody good wicket there, son!

Good wicket? I don't understand, Mervyn.

What he's trying to tell you, mate, is that we only invite you over here so we can perve on your missus.

All I can say is thank Allah for arranged marriages.

Just taking the piss, Binny.

Why would he want your piss? Well...

Bit of focus in the field, please, gents.

Dougie's a wanker Dougie's a wanker Dougie's a wanker Whoa!

Yah!

It's a batsman's world.

Bring it here, boy.

Good boy. Good on ya. Eugh!

Here you go, Mouse.

Oh, gross, Merv!

Come on, Taka, bowl them up. Come on.

Howzat!

Sorry, it's caught behind, Taka.

Is that out? How is that an out?

You didn't tell me that. It's an automatic wicky.

Wicky, what is... what is wicky? What the frig is a wicky?

It's in our constitution, Taka.

Our forefathers invented it so blokes like me wouldn't have to put their beer down.

OK, No ball! Same as last year.

You are well aware my action is totally legal, Spock.

So you keep telling us, Murali.

No ball. Whoa-ho-ho!

Six and out!

Go and get that one, Mouse. I'll get the next one.

No more than 15 degrees, Binny.

They're at it again, Wilma.

Bloomin' barbies and cricket all day long!

Looks like they're settled in for a big one.

Might have to turn the hose on them if they get too rowdy.

Nice idea, Wilma.

What do you know about this meeting tomorrow at work?

No idea, mate.

Feel like a mushroom at work, always in the dark.

Thanks, Mouse. Must be my bowl.

Hang on, mate. Hang on. Bat for ball.

Oh, go on. I'll keep wicky.

See that, boys? Nice, high elbow.

You'll see this finger up very high in a minute, Douglas, if you don't shut up!

Nice one, Bin. I'm with you.

Just trying to educate you in the finer aspects of the game.

All staff, please report to the loading dock immediately.

All staff, please report to the loading dock immediately.

Here we go. What do you reckon's up this time?

I don't know. Could be anything, knowing these clowns.

Good afternoon. My name is Edward Lords.

Recent pressures from the global financial crisis and associated de-leveraging will likely see a contraction in the manufacturing sector.

Here we go. Wha... what did he say?

Nothing good.

Now, my team and I have been brought in to analyse the day-to-day operations of this factory.

And upon review, management have determined that the best way to improve our core operations is to implement new technologies.

In order to execute these changes, we must make a number of forced redundancies.

That's bullshit!

How about some notice, you bastards?

Those persons affected will have their name listed on the staff noticeboard.

And their redundancy will be effective immediately.

Oh, come off it! No way!

'Immediately'.

I'll go check the board for us.

Pommy wanker doesn't give a shit.

I'm not overly convinced his fiscal policies represent a totally laissez-faire economic approach.

Like I said, he doesn't give a shit.

Tell it to me straight, Norm.

Uh... you blokes are OK.

Hang on. What's up? I'm out.

What? Canned.

You're not. Outrageous.

I'm not the only one.

Heaps have gotten their marching orders.

Anyway, I suppose it's hard times for everyone at the moment.

Why do we always get the sharp end of the stick?

What other options might you have, Norman?

I... never really thought about it before, Bin.

There's not much work going around here.

Mate...

I'd better get home and tell the missus.

Hey, Norm. Talk later.

Hey!

You can't do this. I'm sorry?

You can't just come here and sack people and then just piss off.

It's my job to make these decisions so the factory can continue...

You don't get it, do ya?

It's not my job to 'get it'.

If you'll excuse me.

Very important man.

Oh, yeah? What makes you say that, Taka?

He doesn't drive a Commodore.

Meow!

That's bullshit, that is.

And stumps, I take it.

Yeah. At stumps.


You alright, love?

He may as well have given it away.

Times are tough, darl.

It's a bloody joke, Lil.

Don't get yourself worked up, love.

Ooh!

Come on, go! Go! Go!

Safe.

Good running, mate, good running.

Well, this could be the last ball.

Will Norm's career have the fairytale finish he so hopes?

Stuck here on 49 runs and 22 beers.

Come on, Dougie. His last ball.

Serve us up a pie, mate.

That's four. Hehe!

That's it!

Well played, Norm.

As Norm leaves the field for the very, very last time, the crowd and his teammates give him a standing ovulation!

See you, Taka. Thanks, man.

See you, Tak.

It was a good day, Dougie.

It seemed to go alright.

Thanks for chucking it together for us.

Ah, it's the least I could do.

Had to make sure you pissed off.

Thanks, bastard.

Jeez, I hope there's no dickheads like you in Broken Hill.

Yeah, me too.

You might end up coming back.

I guess I'll... be seein' ya.

You keep in touch.

I'll fix the fence up before we head off tomorrow.

No, don't bother.

We'll see what sort of nutter buys the joint.

If he's anything like you, I'll build a frigging moat.

Righto.


Come on, darling, wake up.

Go on. Into bed.

You alright?


Do you reckon someone will move in soon, Dad?

I don't know, love. Maybe they'll like cricket.

Yeah, maybe.

What are you two up to? Nothing.

What's up? Um...

I was just checking my Facebook...

Bloody Facebook!

What do I care what some bastard's doing every three minutes?

Anyway, there's a message here from Norm and Denise.

Really? How are they doing?

Not real good. Houses are a bit expensive.

They'll have to rent longer than they thought.

Norm will go nuts. Hmm.

Bastard! Cancelled his contract just like that!

Don't get started again... It's as weak as piss.

He could've given him a bit of notice. I mean...

We could be next. I'm telling you, Lil. We could.

They'll go through that factory...

It's them.

Well, you're right, Wil. It is a removalist.

I can't see much. Oh, the furniture looks a bit la-di-da.

Hmm. Seen better days, I reckon.

You certainly have. Hm.

Hm. What?

What? Furniture.

It's a bit exciting when someone new moves in, isn't it, darl?

You think so?

Oh, bugger me! What? What is it?

Oh, that slimy weasel!

Who? What are you talking about?

It's bloody Jardine! Jardine?

Edward what's-his-name. The toffy-nosed Pom from work.

Who? Lords!

Spit it out, Doug.

That's the bastard that sacked Norm.

No. Yeah.

The prick's gone and bought his house on the cheap.

That's a bit ordinary.

I can't live next door to a bloke like that.

I'm gonna... What?

Pull your head in.

I'm sure we can handle this sensibly.

Bloody Jardine!

What do you think? I know.

Not forever.

Dougall!

Sorry about that.

It's alright. It's alright. I know.

MacDougall, good boy! You done good, boy.

Anyhow, I must be off, but have a think about it.

We'd love to have you and they're usually lots of fun.

Oh, yes, I'm sure they are.

It's Edward, really. He's not much for socialising.

I sometimes think he prefers the company of the cat.

No worries.

But thanks for the offer, Lillee. You're both always welcome. Hello.

What was all that about? That was Lillee.

She's invited us over for a barbecue.

Very nice of her, don't you think?

Well, you can certainly count me out.

It's a ridiculous idea.

It wouldn't hurt to meet a few of the locals, Edward.

The locals?

I have far more important things to do than attend one of their cretinous backyard booze-ups.

My God, you can be so rude.

Rude? I'm the one who has to tolerate them at work.

Why should I put up with them and their noisy children in my spare time?

Give them a chance, Edward. Besides, you chose the house.

Yes. Well, I didn't know who the neighbours were.

Who in their right mind would move next door to that sorry lot?

A Pommy tight-arse looking for a deal?

How's Dexter's rash?

Hey, Mouse. How you doing? Good, thanks.

Hi, Merv. Hello. How are you?

Hi, guys!

So, how's your new mate going? How would I know?

I can't believe the sneaky mongrel actually had the bloody cheek to buy Norm's joint.

And to make it worse, he's a Pommy.

OK, you guys, give it a break. Here they come now.

Ah, it's just Grace on her own.

Thank Christ for that. Hey, Doug, behave yourself.

I'm warning the lot of ya. Hi, Grace.

Glad you could make it. Thanks, Lillee.

Sorry about Edward. He's busy at work.

Ah, that's a pity. Never mind, we'll catch up some other time.

Hey, Spock, you shit kicker, how about you lift a finger for once and get us a drink, eh?

Only if you say fish and chips.

Piss off. Close enough.

Jesus, you blokes never leave off.

Oh!

Have you cleaned out the van?

Of course I did, Spooky.

That Mr Whippy van's been spit-polished to a mirror finish.

She's spick and span, Spock. I'll take that as a yes.

Oh, hi, Kerri. How's it going?

Pretty choice, bro. I know what you're after.

Here's the keys to the van.

Left some spare iceblocks in the fridge.

Middle shelf. Don't tell Spock.

You'll need some scissors to open them too, Kerri.

Not the good scissors, Kerri!

What's the matter, Shep? Didn't see that one coming?

Piss off, Spock.

If we'd wrapped it in wool you'd have hit it.

You blokes won't be smiling when I knock the skin off this next one.

Jeez, we're scared, old timer.

Could someone get Merv's glasses?

In fact, use the ball with the bell in it.

Piss off, Spock!

You've stacked on a bit of weight in the winter months.

Because every time I shagged your mum, she threw me a biscuit.

Mmm. Come on, do your worst.

That is bullshit! We'll go upstairs for you.

Piss off, you're out!

Did you get that on video, Pigeon?

Sorry, Merv. Busy.

That'd be right. Alright, must be my bowl, then.

That's drinks, ladies.

You do that every time it's my turn to bowl.

Beer o'clock.

A beer, Spooky? Um, not just yet, mate.

Hey, boys, when was the last time you remember that Spooky wasn't thirsty at the esky at drinks?

Yeah, good point, Douglas. What are you saying, Dougie?

I think he might have found a lady friend.

I haven't seen that for a while!

Shh! Go easy on him.

Cheers, mate. How you going, Warnie?

Good. I just... I was... I put on a bet.

Oh, yeah. Let us know if she's a winner.

What? Oh, alright.

Whoa!

I'll get it.

Have you blokes ever heard of hitting it along the ground?

Did you find it, Dad? Yeah.

Hey, Pidge!

You can turn this one up a bit.

Doug? Doug!

Take it easy, it's getting late.

OK, love. Just having a bit of fun.

Must be my bowl. Two to come.

You two having a good time in there?

They are an uneducated, unruly mob!

What's that, love? Next door!

How often do I have to put up with this?

You should come over, Edward.

I mean, they really are very nice people.

They're all bloody mad, playing cricket till all hours.

Couldn't care less about the neighbours.

Most of the neighbours are over there. They don't seem to have a problem.

Besides, I seem to recall you liking cricket too.

Well, they've upset Dexter. He doesn't approve.

Yes, I'm sure he doesn't.

I think he's getting his cold...

Fine.


Bloody Jardine!

Shep? Take it right over, please.

Right over towards that blue drum.

Yeah, we've got all day, Shep. We've got all day.

Faster.

Shep, if you listened the first time, you wouldn't have to do it so many times.


Mr Lords? Can I have my ball back?

Could I have my ball back, please?

Thanks, Mr Lords!

What was that? I don't know, love.

Sounds big. You'd better go and have a look.

Hmm.

Go on.

What have you done now? Me?

You're the idiot that overloaded the fence!

Well, it wouldn't be necessary if you and your yobbo mates could just be a little considerate!

You could buy a new one with the money you stiffed Norm on his house.

That's ridiculous. Is it?

You cost good people their jobs and you don't give a shit!

If it wasn't for me, you'd all be out of a job!

Mate, if you believe that, then you're a deadset wanker.

Where are you going?

You gotta come back and fix this fence!

That's what I'm doing!

What are you doing?

Oh, haven't you heard, friend?

Good fences make good neighbours!

Nice one, Shakespeare.

It's Robert Frost, imbecile.


It's gonna hit the fan, Wilma.

Oh, don't be so damned melodramatic!

Here comes poor old Lillee. Shush now!

Doug! Edward!

Yeah, I know. I'm up half the night.

Fence is stuffed.

Totally rooted? Well and truly rooted.

I'm going to send the bill to Jardine. Get him to cough up.

What's a bloke gotta do to get a beer around here?

Asking politely would be nice.

Ooh, this joint's gone all la-di-da.

Uh, can I have a beer, please, Mr Dickhead?

You're a funny man, Spock.

I'll have one for the road. Nature calls.

Your spin bowl's excellent.

Excuse me. Sorry.

It absolutely paid off... Douglas.

Well, I didn't take you for a cricketer.

I wouldn't miss it, especially the proper game.

Chaps, this is Douglas. Dougie.

You chaps should know Douglas. He works at the factory.

He's the... Fitter and turner.

Yes, fitter and turner. That's right.

He also lives next door to me.

You're the barricade man. Am I?

Yes, I heard about that fence business last night.

So you're the mad bastard playing silly buggers with the boss here.

You're a brave man.

You can't choose your neighbours. No, unfortunately.

Apparently Douglas is a bit of a cricketer.

We should get together for a game some time, Doug.

You think so? Yeah.

He's a bit more of your backyard variety.

Not the proper game.

Oh. Not a fan of the nasty hard ball, Dougie?

Listen, I can't stand around here making new friends all night.

Might catch you blokes a bit later.

You never know, we might show you how the game's really played.

Wanker. Excuse me?

Bloody hell! Go on, get out of it!

Get out of it!

Bloody thing. Go on, shoo! Get out!

I'm gonna murder that cat. Furry bloody pencil sharpener.

It'd better be counting its nine lives.

And what are you doing, Glenn?

Can't a man have a bit of privacy in his own backyard?

I was just videoing some mad bloke talking to himself about a cat.

If you've got so much time on your hands, you can give this lawn a quick go-over before the mob arrives.

Sorry, Dad. Just remembered... I've got this... study group.

Study group.

Study group.

Ohh!

Come on! Come on! Safe.

Well done. Well done. Speed it up a bit, Mervyn.

Dougie's in scintillating form here today, batting like he's got a personal vendetta against the tennis ball, belting felt all around the ground.

Put a sock in it, Spock.

Sock and Spock. This fella's a poet as well.

Mind you, he was dropped earlier.

It was a sitter actually. Poor old Taka.

Don't you be taking my piss, Mr Spooky.

Start the car, Ritchie.

Had to be one of the simplest chances I've ever seen.

Otherwise known as 'Can't Bat, Can't Bowl, Can't Field Tojo'.

Oi!

Why is it whenever I hit a bit of form, you blokes start buggerising around?

Dougie's just worried you'll get water on his precious pitch.

Can we have some quiet from the peanut gallery?

Had your second Chardonnay, darling?

Third actually, but who's counting?

Look out, Dougie, you could be in a bit of trouble.

You might be scoring more than runs before the night's out, mate.

Behave, Mervin.

Can we just cut the gutter talk and get on with the game?

Alright, Douglas.

Over.

Come on, Dougie, it's your bowl.

I wanna bat.

Get your hand off it. Don't you want to eat?

Alright, Kerri. About time we got this bugger out.

Oh, come on, Merv. No pushing in.

We'll be here all bloody day if I don't take over.

It's OK, Dad. Good on you, Mouse.

No worries, Merv.

Are you ready for this, Dougie?

Oh, here we go.

The full Dennis Lillee.

Complete with long run-up... gold chain... and chin music.

Come on, do your worst.

Thank you, ladies.

Whoa!

Christ!

Oh! Oh, gross!

It would've hurt. It's gotta be out.

Wow, great footage. Is it dead?

I guess nine lives weren't quite enough.

Who ordered their cat well done?

Oh, shut up, Spock, for Christ's sake!

This is not good. Doug!

Well, you're all witnesses. It was an accident, right?

Right, Bin? Yes, Douglas, an accident.

Merv?

Yeah, that's what it looked like... Spock?

Yeah, it was an accident. A pretty funny accident.

Oh, the poor thing. Doug, do something.

Oh!


What are you gonna do with the ashes?

I don't know. You'll have to tell him, Doug.

I will.

Was he fond of the pet? Yeah.

Yeah, he put it in shows and shit.

Cooking shows?

Oh, God. Look at that, is that the time?

Oh, yeah, it is late. That's crept up on us.

It's... it's been a... great afternoon, once again.

Sorry. Must be off.

Very sorry, Douglas, about your catastrophe.

Very funny. Doug, Lil. Great day.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks, guys, for your support.

Since when did the barbie turn into a blast furnace?

I... I... No.

You have to go and tell him, Doug.

I know that, but what am I gonna say?

This'd be a lot easier if you weren't bluein' with him all the time.

It just would look less like you did it on purpose.

On purpose? But as if... I wouldn't...

As if... Poor cat.


Oh, hi, Dougie. Hi, Grace.

Sorry about the barbecue. We really were very busy.

That's fine. I was wondering if Edward was home.

Oh. No, as a matter of fact. But he shouldn't be long.

He's just gone over to the park to see if he can find Dexter.

Stupid cat's wandered off again.

I see. He can't be far.

You know what Edward's like, won't let him out of his sight for a minute.

Hmm, yeah.

What's that you've got there? It's something for Edward.

Would you like me to give to him?

No, I'll wait. Wait for what?

Oh, Edward. Hi.

Yeah, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

Bad news? About what?

Your cat.

There's been a bit of an accident.

What's happened? Where is he?

He's in here.

In the jar. What do you mean?

His remains. Oh, my goodness!

What happened? We were playing cricket.

And the ball hit him and he fell... into the barbecue.

And was burnt. Well...

More like incinerated. Incinerated?

Oh, my God! How awful!

This is all that's left.

I don't believe you. Sorry?

This is some son of infantile convict humour that you and your drunken cronies have invented to stir me up.

No, you don't understand. Oh, I understand alright.

It was a good try. It didn't work. Good afternoon.


This is all of him?

Pretty much, yeah.

I'm sorry. It really was an accident.

So this is how you operate.

What?

You didn't like it when I fired your friend, did you?

You didn't like it when I moved in next door.

What are you saying?

Instead of stating your case like a gentleman... you murdered an innocent creature.

Oh, now, I don't think anyone would do that on purpose.

Yes, Grace. I think he would.

You haven't heard the last of this, Waters!

That went better than expected.


Hey, guys. Check this out.

You want to see something really gross?

Yeah, always.

A champion feline's been incinerated on a barbie after a backyard cricket match turned feral.

No need for the third umpie, it's all on video.

And the cat's a goner.

Holy shit!

Dad.

Why doesn't he buy another cat and get over it?

I don't think he'll ever get over it.

Well, after all, you did kill his cat.

Yeah, but he still reckons I did it on purpose.

Oh, the man's a bloody idiot.

Afternoon, gentlemen. Don't get up.

Spooky. We were just discussing Edward Lord's love of his pet.

His pet was all over the internet.

What?

The cat in the barbie video, it's gone viral.

It's very funny. You're famous, mate.

Well, sort of. Depending on which side of the fence you live on.

Pigeon and that bloody camera!

Dougie Waters... legend in his own backyard.

God, here comes the soft-drink brigade.

Karla, get us a jug of squash, would you, love?

Very... Here we go.

Oh, look who's here. You're a busy man, Douglas.

I mean, one minute you're 'the barricade man', and the next... you're a cat killer.

Very funny.

You learn to play cricket yet? I'm working on it.

Don't wait too long.

We just took out the business house competition.

Ah, the shithouse cup.

Yes, with very little resistance, mind you.

Thank you. Right, chaps?

Cheers, to the victors. Cheers. To the victors.

Look, I know I'm not your... favourite person at the moment.

If you're enquiring if I've forgiven you for murdering my cat, the answer is no!

She was a nice cat...

He was a prize-winning pedigree pet and companion.

Really was an accident. Yeah?

Yeah, of course it was. Definitely.

And I just wanna say that I really am sorry.

The regional town of Wagga Wagga has witnessed a heated cricket event unfurling as rival neighbours battle over allegations of a ritual cat burning.

Oh!

Oh!

It was an accident.

We're on the telly. Yeah.

At least the yard came up a treat.

Tensions reminiscent of the infamous Bodyline Series are once again on the rise as an estranged cat lover...

Public humiliation, that's what it is. Nothing short of slander.

I have a good mind to contact my lawyer.

Needs salt.

You're taking it all too seriously, Edward.

Oh, am I?

Head office called today. They know about it in England.

They want to know if they should send someone down to sort it out.

Well, it needs to be sorted out.

They're insinuating I've lost control!

Maybe you have.

Maybe it's about time you had a good look at yourself.

I'm under a lot of pressure, Grace!

And those boys are all out to take my job!

They'd jump in my grave as soon as look at me!

I know that!

It's just that I thought moving here might allow you to relax, and let go a little.

But you've shut yourself off from everyone.

From me.

What do you suggest I do?

Well, first, you might try apologising.

Oh, you want me to apologise to him for killing my cat?

You might at least accept his apology.

There's about as much chance of that happening as Dougie Waters keeping his job at the factory!

Edward Lords, you wouldn't.

It is one solution. Now, I'm... I've had enough of this.

I'm going for my evening walk, the one I used to take with Dexter.

Who walks a bloody cat anyway?

I know, Grace, it's just getting ridiculous.

You're right, you know. Edward's become unbearable.

Dougie's the same. They're just a big pair of sooks.

I can't see either of them apologising at this rate.

We'll have to do something about it.

The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.

Listen, I've got a bit of an idea.

No... no, all the finance will be in place tomorrow afternoon.

It's... it's not...

Mr Waters!

Can we get a comment about the cat incident?

No comment.

The viewers were wondering... Let them wonder.

I have no comment either...

We've been told there'll be a grudge cricket match between you two.

A grudge cricket match?

A reliable source was telling...

What source?

I understand it'll be held in your backyard.

In my backyard? Your backyard. That's typical.

What's wrong with my backyard?

It wouldn't matter where... Tell us about the rules.

What rules?

Get out of the way!

You'd need rules to deal with this cheating bastard.

Excuse me!

And so, with this backyard test match now imminent, we leave these two diversely opposed captains to ponder over what the Ashes really mean.

That 'cat in the barbecue' saga may be resolved.

The two men have agreed to settle their differences with a game of backyard cricket.

The winner gets to keep the cat's ashes.

Let's hope they get the rules sorted out before this thing turns ugly.

Dougie. Yep.

About the rules, mate. What rules?

The rules for the big match.

I expect you'll be doing one-hand, one-bounce rule?

Yeah.

Only if you've got a beer in your hand.

No probs.

No LBs.

Eh? No LBWs.

Too many arguments.

It can't... it can't be Japan.

Mr Lords, can I just say, no retirements.

What are you talking about? Oh, in the game.

You shouldn't have to retire when you're batting, no matter how many runs...

Thank you for sharing, Vicky. Thank you. That's very good, thanks.

So you can't get out first ball, is that right, Dougie?

That's right, Taka.

You can't get out on a golden duck.

Cool. Cheers. See ya.

Yes!

Anything on the roof is six and out, John.

It always has been since time immemorial.

Next caller.

Hope they're not playing that silly tip-and-run rule!

That goes without saying.

On the other line, we have Rodney from Bacchus Marsh.

Look, it's just a game.

What do you mean 'It's just a game'?

We're playing for pride here, Shep. Mervyn's right.

We can't let these imperialist bastards bring us down.

There's a lot more at stake here than just a game.

You're not gonna tell it's the bloody vibe, are ya?

No, it's the Ashes!

Fellas, let's not forget these blokes actually play cricket.

Puts a bit of pressure on, don't you reckon?

Possibly more than I can cope with, I'm afraid.

Maybe we should check out the competition.

You mean spying, Mervyn?

Not spying, Taka. Research. We'll use the van.

Yeah. And get Pidge and his camera.

Good idea, Shep. I've got no idea why people say you're dumb.

Hey, who says I'm dumb?

How good could they be?

After all, it's only a tennis ball.

They'll probably be drunk anyway.

Nevertheless, don't underestimate a cornered convict.

Turn it off! Turn it off quickly!

Nice one, Bin!

Why don't you just ring 'em and tell 'em we're here?

Well, can you see anything we can't, Double-O Dickhead?

They're much more efficient than we first thought.

I like this stalking business.

It's research, Taka.

Here, give me a look.

What do you reckon, Spock? Are they any good?

'Fraid so, boys.

We need to start training.

A bit late for that, wouldn't you reckon?

No. We should do it. We should give it a crack.

For Dougie. Alright, then.

Let's get outta here before we get sprung.

On a day like today I feel the urge to play Defence. - Bring the bat That's it, beautiful. - Bring the ball To the backyard, one and all The pitch needs one more roll Bring me beer I'm ready to bowl Today, I really need to play

Grab a bat, grab a ball Take me to the backyard Let me loose on the turf Beautiful!

Thundering from either end And bowl 'em for all you're worth

Hit 'em high, hit 'em low Out in the backyard Put those runs on the board See if you can get an edge.

Raise your bat and take a bow Cheer every run we score Elbow up, elbow up.

My belly is on fire with ambition and desire Soon it's my turn with the bat The runs will flow Don't you worry about that Six and out is a rule that's in It's just not cricket if we don't win Today, I really need to play Hey! Well done.

Grab a bat and grab a ball Take me to the backyard

- Let me loose on the turf Yes!

Thundering from either end And bowl 'em for all you're worth

Hit 'em high, hit 'em low out in the backyard Put those runs on the board Raise your bat and take a bow...

Yes, it is difficult. We are a bit short-staffed at the moment.

So I am sorry but I'm gonna need you to work this weekend.

I'm sorry but I'm unavailable to work this weekend, Mr Lords.

Oh, really, why's that?

Well, to tell you the truth, I promised Mr Douglas I'd play in his challenging backyard cricket match.

Oh, I didn't realise you played. Well, I am sorry.

I wish there was something I could do, but my hands are tied.

Well, accept my sympathies for your bondage, but there's nobody else that can work my shift?

I wish there were. Sorry. No, I can't let Douglas down.

So I regret to inform you I cannot work this weekend.

Alright, I see.

By the way... how is Norm doing?

That's bullshit. There's just nothing I can do.

He knew you'd be playing in that game.

That's right, Douglas, but I'm not in a position to defy him.

That pommy bastard wanker!

Don't hold back, Taka. Tell us what you really think.

Prick said he'll give us the sack if we don't come in.

Mate, we can't afford to lose these jobs.

I feel like shit, hey, Dougie.

You're not gonna risk your jobs for a silly game.

Don't think we didn't think about quitting.

We'll just forget the whole thing.

No worries, Doug.

Sorry, Dougie.

Hey, Taka.

It's OK, mate.

Bags batting first, Dad! Don't bowl too fast, will ya?

Not today, Mouse, OK?

Oh. Well, how about you bat, then?

Nah, not today.

I wanna try out my wrong'un.

I said no, Kerri. Don't you understand no?

OK. You big meanie.

Hey, that's gonna help, taking it out on Kerri.

What?

You and your blue with Edward. It's not her fault.

Did I say it was?

Well, stop moping around like a sick puppy and do something constructive.

OK.

Sort it out, Doug.

Yeah, I will.

What you doing, Dad?

Oh, just working out a few replacements for the big game.

Had a few last-minute replacements.

What do you think so far?

They look good.

Who's this?

That's Merv. Thank God we still got him.

And that's Nehru.

Not bad for an opening pair, eh?

Who's this one?

That's you.

Me? Am I playing?

Of course you are. You want to play, don't you?

Yeah. Thanks, Dad!

So... what's the burnt chip on the board?

That's poor old Dexter.

Dad, that's awful.

Is that one of the good towels?

Which are the good towels?

The ones rolled up in the bathroom.

They're only for guests, Doug.

What's the point of having good towels if you're not allowed to use them?

Guests, Dougie. Guests!


I say, Captain, old chap, permission to speak.

Granted.

It seems to me we are never going to get this Dougie Bradman cove out.

The blighter's already scored 994 runs and it's only the third over, sir.

Any ideas? Ideas? I'm the Captain of England.

Of course I've got ideas!

Damn good show! What do you suggest?

Well, it's simple. We bring out the Bodyline!

Oh, God, no. Not that.

Please, sir, anything but that!

Pull yourself together, man!

Remember... this is for the Ashes.

Now, let's go out there... and do it!

Huzza!


Bloody Jardine!

Reach out and Reach out and touch somebody Reach out and Reach out and Reach out and touch somebody...

Well, the day has finally arrived.

The backyard grudge match that's captured the nation's attention this summer will commence in just a few short moments.

Cricket fanatics everywhere are ready to witness one of the most unusual sporting events in recent memory... an event the public has named 'The Backyard Ashes'.

Norm!

You old bastard! What are you doing here?

Oh, I had a few days off so we thought we'd come down, have a look at this silly bloody game everyone's talking about.

Besides, I thought you might need a real cricketer for a change.

Fantastic! Who did you bring?

You're gonna may?

Yeah, for sure.

Well, don't just stand here like a pile of pelican shit.

Give us a hand with the pitch.

Righto, mate. What do you want done first?

Get on that roller! Righto, mate. Not a problem.

Hey. Oh, no, steady on.

We can't be having too many.

We've got a very important job to do today, Wilma.

What job?

Well, young Kerri popped over earlier on, dropped this off.

We are gonna be the official scorers for the game!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Hey, look, Wilma! There's more of 'em pouring in.

Why are we waiting?

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

Aussie! Oi! Aussie! Oi!

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

Hey, yeah If you wanna be in my gang, stand up with me We'll start a revolution and make the streets free We'll never weaken We'll give it our best Can't be defeated We're better than the rest

I think we might have made a mistake going public with this, Lil.

No! No, she'll be right, Gracie.

So let us show them We'll fight the world We can't be beaten What'll we tell 'em, boys? We can't be beaten There comes a time when every man must fight When he believes in justice and right...

Dougie. Bullshit.

Nifty Normy. What are you bastards doing here?

We couldn't let a silly thing like work stop us from being here, Douglas.

Where's Shep?

Sorry, Dougie, but... Shep didn't make it.

He isn't dead, Spock.

He finishes in a couple of hours. He's at work.

Oh, good man. Shouldn't you all be at work?

Oh, sorry, mate, but we've all come down with that lurgy that's going around.

Well, I hope you all have your doctor's certificate.

Any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum!

Good on you, Mac.

You're a bunch of mad bastards, you Aussies.

You and your... mateship. I don't get it.

Yeah, whatever.

So you took a sickie.

Oh, it'd be un-Australian not to!

Alright.

Dougie, got a minute? Yeah.

I know you've got a bit of a full house today, but you'd be able to squeeze one more in?

Who?

Oh... She's, um...

Oh, um...

A couple of bets? Yeah.

No problem. The more, the merrier.

Cheers.

Whoa!

I really appreciate you helping me get dressed for the special day.

No worries, Tak.

Shit, Taka, I didn't know it was fancy dress.

Don't you be taking the piss, Spooky.

Good use of the slang, Taka. No worries, mate.

Hey, Kerri, you'd better put MacDougall in the shed.

But he's our best fieldsman, Dad!

Yeah, but when everyone's here, he'll be under our feet.

Yeah, alright. How are you feeling about today?

Good. Good girl.

So, um... Kerri gets a guernsey, eh, Douglas?

Bloody oath. Don't worry about her, mate. She'll be right.

Oh, no, no, of course. Yeah, she'll be fine.

Yeah, she's a beauty.

She reminds me a lot of Merv when he was a little girl.

You're a funny man, Spock.

Alright, boys, let's get on our toes.

Time for action!

Let's get this over and done with. We're on our way.

Don't catch your skirts on the fence.

What, what? Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

That'd be visitors' call, I suppose? If you say so.

Tails.

We'll have a bat.

Yes, it's a good idea.

Why is that?

We'll get this over and done with a lot sooner if you lot bat first.

Pigeon, hey, come here.

The Aussies have decided to bat on a perfect batting strip.

And we're about to talk to the man who knows every inch of this pitch, the curator and the captain of the home side...

Dougie Waters.

What are your pre-match thoughts, Douglas?

Piss off, Spock. Well, you heard it right here.

It's a very tense environment here at the G.

We're gonna cross now to Mumbles, who's with the captain of the touring side, Edward Lords.

How you feel about losing toss?

Think it might be a sign of things to come?

Piss off, Spock. Well, there you have it.

Both captains are in agreement that I should indeed be pissing off.

Here we have the Barmy Army... they're all here, having overstayed their visas to support the visiting side and get horrifically sunburnt.

What a lyrically talented nation they are.

Back to you in the studio.

And welcome back to the G.

Big crowd in today for the start of this much talked about match.

Norm gets off to a fine start with a punch through covers.

The British show their intentions with a quick single.

Nice hobbling between the wickets from Merv.

See the people who stop and stare and say

'Haven't I seen that face somewhere a long time ago?'

Come on!

When I walk down the street See the stranger who says...

Normy's fallen for the oldest trick in the book... the 'I can't find the ball in the bushes.'

Which brings Binny on strike. The Bin-a-nator.

Off the esky is two.

- Haven't I seen you round? Four runs.

Take a look at me Big Merv finds his form. Four runs.

Certainly giving those pickets a work-out.

Whoa!

Isn't that six and out?

And the oldest rule of them all... over the fence is six and out.

Sorry, boys. Couldn't help myself.

- Yesterday's hero We're gonna be here a while, boys.

Is all that I'm gonna be...

You lot should keep your hands off 'em. They're too cold for you blokes.

..and be somebody better All that I'll be if I don't get together now When you walk down the street If you know me, then pass me by If you wonder what I'm doing, don't ask me why I don't read the news Aaaaah!

Put it down, Wil.

If you're sorry, then don't feel bad...

Taka, looking every bit the man, best described as 'shit scared'.

Because haven't you seen my face before Yes, I was the boy who used to live next door

Handling the ball.

Oh, you're gonna play like that, are you?

Well done, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

A true champion has been dismissed and is replaced by the Aussie captain, Dougie Waters.

You go.

Go, Taka.

Oh, he's missed it by a country mile.

Couldn't hit the skin off a rice pudding.

Ooh!

He's copped one right between the fob pocket and the loose change.

Taka, you should be wearing one of these, mate. A box!

What the frig is a box? No-one told me that!

No-one tells me nothing!

I'm sorry, Dougie, but both my kintamas have been badly damaged.

Please excuse me from the match.

You'll be OK when the swelling goes down.

Just sit somewhere quietly.

You'll be right, mate. No worries.

We're gonna need a sub.

If you must.

Oh, looks like they're in trouble.

Who do you think they'll bring in?

Mac?

Mac!

Excuse me, coming through.

Straight bat, Mac. Straight bat.

No shit, Sherlock.

Mac.

Two legs.


Ooh!

Hey! I thought we were playing the 'no ducks' rule.

I'm not playing by any of your new la-di-da rules. I'm off.

Love you, Wilma.

You're up, Mouse. Good luck.

Go get 'em, Kerri. Come on!

And just like that, the youngest member of the Aussie team, Kerri Waters, is charged with saving innings.

Kerri! Kerri!

Marvellous stuff, that.

Oh, lovely dancing, and then late cut.

Ooh!

Into the bushes. Couple there.

Yes!

These two are getting well on top.

All over them like a cheap suit.

Run!

Haven't seen the English pushed around like this since the fall of Singapore in '41.

Ooh!

Is that all you got, Pom?

Kerri! Kerri! Kerri! Kerri! Kerri!

Six and out. Fine shot.

Fine innings. Well played, darl.

It's OK. You did well. Hey, good partnership.

Thanks, Dad. Come on.

Food's on, you lot!

We could win this.

I made it as quick as I could. Hey, Shep.

Hey. What's the score? We're all out for 136.

So they're chasing 137 to win? Oh, Einstein.

Uh, Lil. Doug. This is my friend Abby.

Pleased to meet you, Abby. Hi.

G'day, love. Hi.

Yeah. Do you feel like a drink?

Thanks, Lil. That'd be choice.

Good. Let's meet the girls.

Didn't want to be seen snogging a Kiwi, eh, Spock?

You sly old dog! I didn't pick up she was a Kiwi.

Tell you what, Spock, she's not half baa-aa-aad.

Smart-arse. Come on, you guys.

Abby, you didn't tell me you were a Kiwi.

So, who's bowling after me?

And welcome back to the G.

The Pommy innings is about to get under way.

Mervyn, always popular with the crowd.

That was a half chucker, just asking to be hit.

Merv's a little short of the length there.

Getting tonked all over the park.

Got him! Yes!

Wicky! That's wicky! Automatic wicky!

Poms are starting to put some runs on the board here.

So Dougie brings back a bit of spin to the attack.

He's known as a tweaker.

Show us what you've got, 7/11.

Hey! Next customer, please.

Piss off, you Pommy bastard!

Language, Nehru. Sorry, love.

Binny! Binny!

Go, big fella. You can do it.

Oh, that's gone straight into the Boony bush.

Come on, that cannot be out.

Sure is, bro. You've been caught by the Boony bush.

Boony bush? What's a bloody Boony bush?

Well, that name's Daveyanus Boonianus.

That's another one, Wil. Change it over. Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Kerri! Kerri! Kerri!

Yes!

One hand, one bounce, one beer.

Good on you, Dougie. Well done. Well done.

Four down, Wil. 87, the devil's number, Wil. Ha-ha-ha!

Excuse me. The man in the white.

Yes, you. Be a good man and move two spots to your left.

The batsman's asked for a sighter, and, as usual, Sunscreen Stewie's happy to oblige.

Ah, so kind of you.

Yeah, mate. Anything caught by the ladies is out.

Harsh, but fair. Good man.

Ah, Nehru. The great catch she is.

It's all over bar the shouting.

Barmy Army! Edward Lords! Barmy Army...

Good luck.

Luck would have nothing to do with it. Good luck, sir.

Hey, Edward, leave our flies alone!

They're the only friends you've got.

Come on, Normy.

Oh, yeah!

God save

God save our gracious Queen Long live our noble Queen God save our Queen!

O Lord our God arise Scatter her enemies Make them all fall Confound their politics Frustrate their knavish tricks England!

Oh!

Thanks to a gold Captain's knock the Poms need just four more runs to win.

Barmy Army! Barmy Army!

Well, it's coming down to the wire here.

Three to win, with only one wicket remaining.

Haven't been this tense since my last prostate check.

Pressure's all on the Poms.

Can English Pommy Lords score winning runs?

Or will our local hero Dougie get the wicket?

The tension's incredibly... Shut up, Spock!

Short of a length, he's clipped it away on the off side.

There's one there. Return for two.

Well played.

What are you doing? It's not over.

What do you mean it's not over?

That was a beautiful run out. Game, set and match.

I think you'll find I was well in.

No, you were well out. How can you be sure?

I saw it with my own eyes. That doesn't mean a thing.

What exactly are you saying?

This isn't going to be pretty, Lil.

You're telling me, Grace.

Oi!

I think I have it on my camera.

Good on you, Pidge.

Knew that camera would come in handy some time.

Can we have a look at it?

Could we put it on the television, so we can all see?

That's a terrific idea. Good idea.

It looks like it's come down to the wire here, in one of the closest calls since Merv nearly ran out of beer on Cup day.

The Australians had a lot of the tied tests back in '61 Shut up, Spock! Bit rude.

Keep going.

Let me through, let me through... Come on, Mac.

Wilma, haven't seen you down here for a while.

Pipe down, Douglas. I'm trying to watch the replay.

Here we go.

Ah, yeah! It's gotta be gone!

Let's see it again.

Hey, Pidge, any chance of slowing it down a bit?

Uh, yeah.

Um... could we... could we see another angle?

Get your hand off it, Pom!

Good work. Good girl.

Great footage, Pidge. Thanks, Dad.

That's a beautiful throw, Kerri. Congratulations.

Yes, you did a...

I believe... this belongs to you, Douglas.

Hey, Dougie! Come on, Dougie!

We are the champions!

You sitting with your mates?

Listen, I reckon I acted like a bit of a dickhead when you first moved in.

Well, I was no innocent bystander.

Wouldn't have helped moving next door to lunatics.

No.

You've got it pretty good here, Douglas.

Probably take it for granted a bit sometimes.

Hm. You know... wouldn't do you any harm to lighten up a bit, eh?

Yes, there's no argument from me there.

That was a good game. It was a great game.

We should do it again some time.

Perhaps.

Won't go so easy on you next time.

Well, there's no need to do us any favours.

I reckon the ashes should stay with the original owners.

Thank you, Douglas. Thank you.

I'll fix that fence tomorrow. I'll come give you a hand.

'And no matter what a mate may do... a mate can do no wrong.'

Henry Lawson.

Is that... what you want? What is this actually for?

Documentary. Just keep going, Edward.

Oh. We are in a documentary.

Now you go and play. This is your lawn too.

For you, my sweet. Thank you, darling.

All the best.

Well, now, it's the first ball on the first day of the Ashes Boxing Day test.

Perfect conditions here on the Gabba.

Edward Lords, captain of England, now at the top of his run up.

Get your hand off it, Pom.

You wouldn't be dead for quids.

Whoa!

Meow!

Once a jolly swagman Camped by a billabong Under the shade of a coolibah tree And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled

'You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me'

Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled

'You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me'

Down came a jumbuck To drink at the billabong Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

'You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me'

Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

'You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me'

Oh, yeah, with me Oh, yeah


Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

'You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me'

Oh, yeah, with me Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah

God save

God save our gracious Queen Long live our noble Queen God save our Queen

O Lord our God arise Scatter her enemies Make them all fall Confound their politics Frustrate their knavish tricks On Thee our hopes we fix God save our Queen God save Our Queen God save