Bad Ass (2012) Script


MAN: The story begins right here on this bus.

Line 144. The same route I took every day.

Yee-ha! (LAUGHING) MAN: But this day was different.

Something was about to happen that would change my life forever.

First, let me tell you how things were... before all this.



MAN: Didn't have all that much growing up.

Just me... mom... dad...

...and 60 acres of farmland.

I lived a simple life.

But sometimes, the simplest things are the best things.

Like going undefeated my senior year and winning the state championship off my corner route in the end zone.


Or falling in love with Lindsay, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Can't you just tell them that you changed your mind?

I can't do that, baby. I already enlisted.

Hey... I promise it'll be real quick.

I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna take care of business and I'll be right back.

You have my word.


I promise.

MAN: Then suddenly, things weren't so simple anymore.



MAN: I headed off to Vietnam to fight for my country.

I spent seven years there, six of them in the jungle...

...and one year in a POW camp. (ELECTRICITY SIZZLING)



Is that all you got, pendejos?


MAN: Probably would have stayed longer, too...


Man down!

MAN: ...if I hadn't gotten shot.


But throughout it all, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that I was gonna see Lindsay again.

Mommy, I'm hungry.

Mommy, can you make us lunch?

MAN: I figured I'd apply to the police academy.

It made sense with my military experience.

I felt lost. Didn't know where I fit in anymore.

So what type of business experience do you have?

Well... not much experience, really, to be honest.

Since I graduated high school, I've been in active combat duty serving my country.

That really took up most of my time.

We're really in the market for a college graduate.

You didn't happen to take advantage of the GI Bill?

Actually, I have just been informed the position was filled.

MAN: I soon realized that no one was willing to give me a chance.

I had to create an opportunity for myself.

Thank you, sir, I appreciate your business. God bless.

How are you, sir? Good, good.

What can I get for you? One? All right. Ketchup? Mustard?

Beautiful day, huh? (CHUCKLES)

All right. There we go.

Here's your change, sir.

God bless you. Have a nice day.

MAN: While I was creating that opportunity... somehow slipped away from me.




One, two, three, go!

MAN: But life has a way of kicking you in the ass every once in a while.

And on this day, it kicked me pretty hard.

Yee-ha! (LAUGHING)

Hey, old man, you mind moving? We gotta sit together.

Hey! Old fucker!

You deaf? I'm talking to you.

Move that geriatric ass before I kick it.

How about you just leave me alone?


You believe this guy? (LAUGHS)

You got balls, old man. That's respectable.

But now you're wasting my time, so why don't you get the fuck out of my seat?


You crazy fucking spear chucker.

There's two seats in back. Take 'em. But leave him alone.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Stand up, asshole.

I don't want any trouble. Leave me alone.

I can kick your ass while you're sitting down or while you're standing up.

It's your call.

Fuck his shit up, Raymond! Yeah.




I told you I didn't wanna fight. I fucking told you!

MAN: Since that day, nothing's been the same.


Holy shit.


That's awesome!


Man, this old guy's bad ass.

Miller, Steve-O, come over here. Come take a look at this.

WOMAN ON TV: He's a senior citizen, he's been given the name "Bad Ass" and he's a huge hit on the Web right now. He gives people hope.

There's even a T-shirt with his face on it.

MAN: All of a sudden, people started caring about me.

I started fitting in again. People wanted to be with me.

Cops were even taking me on drive-alongs.

It's like I'm this famous guy or something.

That's been the weird part. It's taken some getting used to.

Now you've been deemed a hero, Mr. Vega.

How does that make you feel, especially at your age?

Well, I don't think I'm a hero. I'm just a guy...

...making $500 a month on disability, trying to fit in.

You must be very proud of your son, Mrs. Vega.

Oh, you'd better believe it. I am always proud of my boy.

If this world had more people like my son...




This boy.

She's not biased or nothing.

MOTHER: My son.

MAN: And none has mastery over the day of death.

For the Lord of all shows no partiality, nor does he fear greatness, for He Himself made the great as well as the small.

He provides for all equally...

...and the dust shall return to the earth from whence it came...

...and the life breath return to the Lord who gaveth it.

All right. It's gonna be all right, man. It's gonna be all right, Biscuit.

It's your mama, I know.

From the last will and testament, dated February 15, 2010:

"I, Juanita Lupe Vega, bequeath my china pattern, stainless steel cutlery, and Ginsu knives to my favorite charity, the Church of Latter Day Angel.

And to my boy, Frank, whom I loved with all my heart till the day I died, I leave you my house, myjewelry, my wardrobe..."


"...and of course, my beloved dog, Baxter." What are you doing?

You robbing houses now, Vega? A man's gotta make a living some way.


My condolences about your mom.

The boys at the station, they send their best.

I appreciate that. We got you this.


I didn't know how good-looking I was. Yeah, me neither.

Hey, if you need anything, give me a call.

Thanks, bro. All right, brother. Call me.


"Bad Ass." (LAUGHS)

Come on, Baxter.

My administration has organized a new initiative, which we are calling "Operation Street Cleaning."

We've also enhanced and increased local law enforcement, in order to rid our neighborhoods of crime and gang-related activity.

It is the top priority of this administration to return our city back to the safety it once knew.

Boy, what you carrying in this box? A dead body and a watermelon?

No, that's my entertainment library. Entertainment?

Behind the Green Horse. Is that new?

You haven't seen that? No.

Check that out tonight. Oh, I just might do that.

You know what? All this moving is making me thirsty. We bring any beer?

You're in charge of beer. I'm in charge of entertainment.

Man, I know there's something around here somewhere.

We, ladies and gentlemen, are going to unite, and make this the strongest and the safest community in this county.

I know my mama wouldn't leave a dry house.

MAN ON TV: You have my word.


Holy shit.

Biscuit and Klondike gonna have booze tonight.


Yeah. Thank you, Mama.

(KLONDIKE LAUGHING) I was running fast as I could, man.

I mean, that woman kept catching up to me.

I mean, I run the 100-yard dash, for Christ sakes, trying to get away from this woman.

I've never seen you run so fast in your life.

She looked like a hooker to me, man. She came on to me, too.

You know, them Vietnamese are tricky motherfuckers, making their soldiers look like whores and shit.

Klondike, she weighed 200 pounds and had a machine gun strapped on her neck.

It was dark, motherfucker. (LAUGHING)

I couldn't see shit. I just followed my nose.

My nose led me to pussy and my nose don't discriminate pussy.

Where's Baxter, man?

I thought he would've licked that plate clean by now.

Baxter probably locked himself in the closet again.

What the hell's he doing in there? Ah...

Rubbing one out, ain't he? (BOTH LAUGHING)


He's probably... He just likes his quiet time like his daddy.

Yeah. His daddy. His daddy's a good guy.

Thank you, man.

For what? For letting me move in with you.

You've been there for me the whole time, man. You're a damn good friend.

I mean that. Klondike.

You and Baxter are the only family I got.

You saved my life. I owe you.

You know what?

I see...

...really good changes for you and me, Biscuit.

Take my word for it. It's a long time coming.

You know, people talk about having the best days of their lives.

I'm still waiting for mine.

The past 40 years, I've felt like a bouncing ball.

No stability in my life.

But... I think the bouncing's slowing down.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna find the best day of my life.

Here's to finding the best days of our lives, Biscuit.

Do me a solid, will you?

Put this in your mother's safe deposit box, will you please?

What the fuck is this? It's a flash drive.

A flash drive? That's right.

I got a lot of important stuff on there.

What, you know all about that computer shit?

My ass is trying to learn. And when I learn, I'm gonna teach you.

Nah, not me. I'm not interested.

One of these damn days, you're gonna have to step out of the '70s.

No. Uh-uh.

Those were beautiful times.

You didn't have to deal with all this shit.

Suicide bombings and taking your shoes off at the airport.

No, you gotta watch it. There's a lot of crazy shit out there.

Well, that's what's going on now. We gotta get your ass into this century.

I'm gonna make that my mission while we're living together.

Now put that in your mama's safe deposit box, please.

Got it.

OK. All right.

Oh, shit. I'm out of smokes, man. I'm gonna go out.

You know, my mom left a brand-new carton of Newports right there in the kitchen.

I don't wanna smoke that menthol shit. I'm gonna go get me my Camels.

Yeah. (GROANS)

Oh, son of a... (CHUCKLES)

OK? Don't go stepping on no landmine, huh?

(CHUCKLES) You watch out for the machine guns.


To Baxter and Klondike. (LAUGHS)




Ooh... OK, gonna call her back.


What's happening, Sebastian? Terence?

You're a hard man to find, Klondike.

What, you don't answer your cell phone anymore?

Ah, sh... What can I tell ya, man? Look here, the ringer's turned off.

What can I tell ya?

See what I'm saying?

My man here gotjokes. You doing some stand-up now?

You know what we want, gramps.

Give it up.

I'm drawing a blank, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

You still having a tough time remembering now, motherfucker?

Whoa, whoa! (LAUGHS)

I got the goddamn thing right here, man.




You had to do it the hard way.

Motherfucker. (DISTANT SIRENS)

Sebastian, leave him! The cops are coming, we gotta go!

Where is that shit? Let's get the fuck out of here, c'mon!


Just get in the fucking car.

Let's go, come on! (ENGINE STARTS)




Yeah, this is Frank Vega.

Frank Vega? Can I get you to sign these releases?

You're that guy from the bus, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Haven't been beating up on anyone else, have you?

I'm really not a violent guy.

Sorry about your friend.

You're gonna get those scumbags, aren't you?

We're gonna do our best.


That's $12.59.

You know what? I'm a little short.

Can you spot me a couple bucks until tomorrow?

Did you see a Salvation Army sign in front of my store?

You know, I just moved into the neighborhood.

I'll be by tomorrow and pay you the rest.

Look, buddy, I can barely pay the rent as it is.

I mean, I got no cash. I'm a hard-working man.

Besides, I can't be giving stuff away. (DOOR CHIMES)

Nobody move! Give me what's in that register!

Now! Let's go!

Hey, he don't got no money, man. Did you say something, old man?

Hey, why don't you guys just leave?

I ain't going anywhere, old man.


Oh, Mr. Vega.

We're so sorry about the passing of your friend.

Thank you.

My brother was murdered two blocks away from where your friend was killed.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

See, we are never gonna be safe in our own neighborhood.

And no one's doing a damn thing about it.

You know, police are doing everything they can.

Fuck, no! We need real help.

Those motherfuckers are as crooked as all hell.

I'm sorry, baby.

God bless you, Mr. Vega.

Thank you. Good night, ladies.

Why you Mexicans drink that crap? Is that the official drink of the cholo?

Well, what should I be drinking?

Malt Liquor, ripple, grape soda or Kool-Aid?

Why you have to get all racist and shit?

Oh, shit! You're that Bad Ass dude from the bus, right?


You a tough ass geezer. You knocked the hell out that Nazi motherfucker.

Give you props for that.

You know, kid, you got the mouth of a truck driver.

What the fuck you talking about? What the fuck you talking about?

Is it not cold out here? Huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Then get your ass in the house.

Damn. Love thy neighbor.

Hey, brother. You should have seen the action out there tonight.

You up for a ride-along? Not tonight.

You're turning down a ride-along?

I got some shit I gotta do. Oh, yeah, I can see that.

That bottle? No, that's a priority.


I just came from the liquor store.

Looked like you wiped your ass with those guys.

Fucking scumbags. Yeah, I know, Frank.

But you have a penchant for getting involved in these altercations.

I think it's time for you to chill out.

Violence just seems to follow me.

Yeah, Charles Bronson, I get it.

Just, um...

...scale it back for me.

They find the guys that killed Klondike yet?

(SIGHING) They're working on it.

Come on, you know how these things work.

There's more homicides than there are investigators. You gotta have patience.

Now that sounds like a crock of shit.

I'll check on it.

Meanwhile, I will be swinging by tomorrow and you will ride with me.

No excuses, Vega.

MAN ON RADIO: Car 245 responding to possible 415.

Additional units requested.

MAN ON TV: Stevens dumps it in. Norris goes after it.

Gets checked at the blue line...

MAN: ...the window. And you set it... CROWD: And forget it!

MAN: And that'll be done in about 40 min...

Within a 24 hour period, local investigators have arrested what seems to be the prime suspect in the Justin Wheely murder case.

Justin was violently beaten and then stabbed to death late last night after he wouldn't give up his wallet.

The police chief congratulated the 20 investigators who worked around the clock to solve this crime.

We're doing the best we can, Mr. Vega.

That's not good enough. I'm afraid it is.

Yeah, I guess it would be if Klondike was a different shade.

You'd already probably caught the bastards.

You inferring I'm a racist, Mr. Vega? Yeah, I am.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm Indian.

You're a wolf in sheep's clothing. You're just part of the system, man.

Look, Vega, I understand Mr. Washington was a friend of yours, but you can't let your emotions get in the way ofwhat we're trying to do here.

Let us do ourjob, OK?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to get back to.


MAN: Ahh!

MAN: Double or nothing, double or nothing.


(MEN EXCLAIM) Get it! Get some!

Best out of five, best out of five.




It's from an M9 Beretta.

Probably from a 15-round staggered magazine.

Sell any of those lately? No, man.

This is government-issued Armed Forces shit.

I rarely see this stuff.

Any other store around here that does?

I'm pretty much the only game in town, you know?

I'd like to keep it that way.

Nice piece ofjewelry.

If you're interested in selling that...

...I'd give you $50 for it.

That your daughter? No.

I was gonna say it kind of looks like this girl who goes to our church.

You know her? She's friendly with the wife.

You think this is hers? Eh, probably her husband's.

He's a... He's a black guy. Good-looking fella.

You know where I could find him?

Well, they just live a few blocks over there on Seventh.

There's a yellow pick-up on the front lawn there.

Can't miss it. Thanks, partner.

Hey, man.

Be careful. There's a lot of fucking idiots out there.

(KNOCKING) Yes, can I help you?

Is your husband available?

And who are you? Uh, I'm a friend of his.

He left this over at my place a couple days ago.

You know what?

You go tell that son of a B-I-T-C-H that he's got three kids and a wife wondering when the hell he's coming home.

I don't mean to be nosy, but when's the last time you saw him?

I probably saw Terence over a week ago.

My girlfriends tell me they see him playing basketball at 22nd Street Park.

He's got kids crying for his daddy, and he's playing basketball. (CHILD FUSSING)

Yeah, miamor, yeah, I know you're hungry. I'll get you something.

You know what, man? I gotta go, OK?

But if you happen to find that C-O-C-K-S-U-C-K-E-R, tell him to go fuck himself.




Backdoor, backdoor, backdoor! (MAN GRUNTS)

Backdoor, backdoor! Hey!

Ball, ball, ball! Take him backdoor. Backdoor, backdoor!

MAN: God damn it. MAN 2: Damn!

Anybody know where I can find Terence?

Why don't you ask your mama?

He probably cock slammed her this morning.


Hey, give me the ball, bitch. I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Anybody know where I can find Terence?

Who the fuck do you think you are, you old motherfucker?

Either give me the ball or I'm gonna kill your ass.

You know, I don't hear too good.

I messed up my hearing at a Santana concert in '74.

Step in here so I can hear you. I can't...

You believe this crazy son of a bitch?

(CLANGS) MEN: Ooh...



OK, whoa, wait a minute, man. Calm down, all right? He ain't here, man.

Where is he? I don't know.

He private with his shit. He run with some boys across town, that's it.

Where across town?

Ask for Renaldo, 85th Street Apartments.

He knows where Terence is.

Thank you, fellas. Appreciate your cooperation. All of you.


That was luck.



Oh, Father, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were a priest!

You picked the wrong apartment to rob, asshole!

Wait, wait, stop, stop!

I don't wanna rob anybody. (GRUNTING)

Where's Renaldo? (CHOKING) I can't breathe!

I have no idea. I have no idea where he is.

Jesus! Look, he's my roommate, he's never here.

What, are you trying to fucking kill me?

What kind of priest are you? I'm not a priest, you idiot.

I'm playing one at the Jewish community center musical.

And thanks to you, I'm gonna be late for my fucking rehearsal. (GASPS)

OK, then. Where's Renaldo?

All right! All right! All right!

He hangs out at the Velvet Scorpion.

He's there every morning. I swear, he's gonna be there tomorrow.

You know, man, you make a terrible priest.

I have on my staff 1 1 aides, all ofwhom perform their tasks in glorious concert.

There's not a moment of my day where I don't feel completely secure about my political future.

And then there's you, Panther...

...who is single-handedly trying to destroy what took me 33 years to build.

Oh, come on, Mayor. There's nothing being destroyed.

This ain't no WikiLeaks. It's like a leak in your mama's sink.

You know, we'll plumb the shit up.

That supposed to make me feel better?

I'm running for reelection in 90 days and I've got accessible confidential information of mine out there on the streets?

I can assure you, there's no problem.

Shit, I own the streets. There's a problem, asshole.

There's a fucking problem, 'cause your bros fucked up.

How do you take a guy out before you get my drives back first?

There was some internal incompetent shit on our part.

But I can assure you we're all tee'd up. It won't happen again.

No, it won't happen again because if it does, your services are terminated.

That's just the beginning ofwhat we're gonna start terminating around here.

And now we got this freaking geriatric going around, kicking everybody's fucking asses. Bad Ass.

Excuse me? Bad Ass.

That's what they're calling him.

Who gives a fuck what they're calling him?

He's a pain in my fucking ass. There's nothing to worry about.

He's just an old motherfucker looking for some revenge. We got him dialed in.

I don't wanna have to worry about this shit anymore because let me tell you something, there's hundreds of bottom-drain feeders out there would love to be on my payroll doing the freaking job you're supposed to be doing.

You clean your shit up, Panther.

And I mean now.

We're done here.

And enough with the long text messages.

And what's up with those fucking happy faces? I hate that shit.

Here, dear, let me give you a hand with that.

Oh... (STAMMERS) Very sweet of you. OK.

Are those your keys? Give me your keys.

Thank you. You want that in the trunk?

Yes. OK.


Bad Ass! Hey! Bad Ass!

What's up, homies? How you doing?


You messed with the wrong white boys, you fuck!


Yeah! Shended that asshole! MAN: Yeah!

Woo! Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Are you OK? Oh, wonderful.

I haven't had a man handle me like that in 45 years.


MAN ON TV: Yo, yo, yo, I got the TV!

That's some good chicken. You want a piece?


You're all I got now, boy. It's just me and you now, fella.

Just me and you.

What's up, bitch? (LAUGHING)

If it's not my favorite black midget.

Tell me something. How hard was it living in a world without phones?

We had Western Union.

How hard was it when your career tanked after Diff'rent Strokes?

What you talkin' about? Willis.

What? From the show.

"What you talkin' about, Willis?" (WOMAN SHOUTING)

I'm so goddamned tired of carrying the burden of this family.

And all you do is complain! Well, you're the lazy motherfucker who can't keep... What, you're gonna hit me out here?

MAN: How's your nose? WOMAN: Go! You need to leave.

Why don't you keep a fucking job?! (CAR DOOR SLAMMING)


And you better not come back here, either.

I live here. I own the house, bitch!


You're leaking.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm OK. No, you're not.

Yeah, I think I am. Thank you. Actually, you're not.

I got a first aid kit inside. Let's get you cleaned up.

You don't want him to see you like that.

OK, here, now you gotta keep this on at least 20 minutes.

WOMAN: OK, so what, now you're a doctor?

No, my mom was a nurse.

She taught me how to take care of the small stuff.

I filled in for a medic in Vietnam when he got his arm blown off.

Do you want something to eat or drink?

No, no. Actually, I'm good.

You know, I got a couple of Hungry-Man dinners in there that are delicious.

(CHUCKLES) Wow, that's real sweet, Frank, but we actually ate dinner already, so, we're good.

I mean, they're no Julia Child, but they're really good.

Wow. Look at you. What do you know about Julia Child?

I love the Food Channel, but I can't cook worth spit.

I can cook pretty good. Maybe one day I'll make you something to eat.

I'd love that.

Oh, you know what? I got something.

Here. These are the bomb.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Ice cream is my enemy.

No, no, these are low fat. Not that you need it.

Did you say "the bomb"?

What, you living in the '90s, fool?

Martin. Stop being rude.

Damn, that's good. Is this the good shit they gave you during the last supper?


Damn, Mama, you still got skills.

I sure do, and you better not forget it.



Excuse me. Could any of you gentlemen tell me where I could find Renaldo?

I know what you must be thinking, man.

"Who is this guy, coming in here demanding shit?"

It's just important. I gotta find Renaldo.

So you're that Bad Ass dude. No, not really.

Let's see what type of bad ass you are.


It don't have to be this way. Oh, yeah, it does.


MAN: Get out of the way!


All right, amigo, calm down! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Renaldo, he's upstairs. Just stop fucking up my bar.


Thanks for the help. I appreciate that.



Yo, what the fuck, man?

I just need to ask you some questions about your friend Terence.

I don't think you're gonna have time. (WOMEN WHIMPERING)

Where the fuck is Terence? (WOMAN SCREAMS)

What the fuck, man?! The problem, Renaldo, is that I have a bad case of bursitis.

Cocksucker! What's bursitis, you ask?

It's an inflammation of the joints that doesn't allow me to hold onto anything too long. Fuck you, man!


Holy shit! See? That was my good hand.


Terence hangs out with this bitch named Tatiana down at the massage parlor on 10th Street, all right?

That's all the fuck I know! Now help me up!

Yeah, that wasn't hard, was it?

You asshole! Don't fuckin' leave me out here!

RENALDO: Come on! Sorry for the interruption, ladies.

Oh. Tell Renaldo to put this on my tab.


Are you stalking me or something?

What, a friend can't stop by and say hello?

Come on, ride shotgun with me.

You're not gonna hit on me again, are you?

Jesus Christ, get in the car.


So, what've you been up to?

Ah, same old, you know.

Really? That's not what I've been hearing.

Don't know what you're talking about.

They say you've been leaving a bloody trail all across the city.

Doesn't sound familiar to me.

Frank, the police chiefwas this close to issuing a warrant for your arrest.

I had to talk him off the ledge. Arrest? Arrest me for what?

For doing his job? OK, see, that's the thing, Frank.

You're not supposed to do theirjob. You're supposed to stay the fuck away.

You know what? Pull over.

What? Pull the fuck over.

You know, I know you're trying to do the best for me, but I can't stand around and watch a bunch of assholes do nothing about my best friend being killed. (SIGHS)

Frank, you're getting in over your head here, all right?

You're to the point now where even I can't help you.

I don't want your help.

You've got something of ours! (GASPING) What?!

The flash drive, asshole. Your boy took it from us.

What the fuck's a flash drive?

It's an inch-long storage device that uses solid-state memory to store persistent data from your computer. Where is it?

Oh, that. (GASPING)

That's in... your ass.

What the fuck?!




Next time call before you drop by.

What's up, cracker?

Hey, kid, do you know anything about flash drives?

Crestview? That's our hood.

FRANK: City permits?


What the hell was Klondike involved in?

I'd like to set up a massage with Tatiana.

OK, right.

I want you to know this is my first massage ever.

A virgin? I'm honored.

Wow. You've got great hands.

So do we know each other? Excuse me?

You asked for me. You must know me. I'm kind of looking for someone.

Who? Terence.

We broke up.

You know where I could get a hold of him?


I... I just realized I'm double booked.

Diane will be here in a few minutes to finish you off.



(GUN COCKING) MAN: Lost your keys?

Uh... I'm visiting my girlfriend.

Do you mind killing that? Tatiana's your girl?

Yeah, yeah. For about six months. Really?

'Cause it kind of looked like you were trying to break in there.

Trying to surprise her. It's her birthday.

Romantic. You mind stepping up a little closer?

I wanna see who it is I'm shooting.


...aren't you that Bad Ass dude?

(CHUCKLES) Holy shit. I'm a huge fan.

The way you kicked the shit out of those a-holes, ah, that was priceless, man.

You're a tough son of a bitch. Good for you.

I appreciate that. I'm gonna head on inside.

Cool. You keep on kicking ass, my friend.

The world needs people like you.

All right.


You know Tatiana keeps the back door open, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Thanks.



MAN: That's what I'm saying. Come on!

(MOANING) What's this? Make-up sex?

Oh, shit! (SHRIEKS)




You killed my best friend, Klondike Washington.

How do you wanna die, motherfucker?

(GRUNTS) Fuck you. OK.

What the fuck you think you're doing, asshole?

(DISPOSAL WHIRRING) This might sting a little.



Stop! Stop!

I didn't kill your friend, man!

Who did? (PANTING)

It was Sebastian!

We were just doing what we were fucking told!

By who? I can't say!

Are you sure? (GASPING) I can't say!

I respect that.


It was Panther! It was Panther!


Where is he? (PANTING, GASPING)

I don't know!

That's too bad, because we're really fucking up this kitchen.


He and Sebastian...

...they'll be at the Bergamont Loft.

He'll be where? The Bergamont Loft!

Fucking tomorrow night, man! (WHIRRING STOPS)


I wanna thank you for giving me a hand.

By the way, your wife's got a message for you. She said, "Go fuck yourself!"

I hope you're a righty.


Thanks, Ronnie. You got it, Frank.



WOMAN: Get off of me!

Do what I fucking tell you to do, bitch.

You know what? Fuck you, OK? I'm done. Get the fuck out of my...

Show me some fucking respect. Fuck you!

Fuck me? Yeah.

I wouldn't if I were you.

What the fuck you doing in my house?

Look, I don't want to get into it with you. Just leave her alone.

What did you...?

Are you fucking this old man?

Get the fuck... (GRUNTS)


Ah! OK!

You don't deserve this family.

You don't deserve any family. OK.

Either you straighten your shit up, or get the fuck out of here.


You want that bitch?

You can fucking have her.

You all right?

Thank you.

It's gonna be OK.

It's all gonna be OK. (SNIFFLES)

I'm sorry. Don't be sorry.


Where's Martin?

He spent the night over at his friend's house.

Are you gonna be OK?

I mean, you look exhausted. I didn't get any sleep.

A little tired. Low on blood sugar, I think.

Why don't you go and take a nap, and when you wake up, maybe I can make you something nice to eat.

Best offer I've had in 20 years.




I clean up good, don't I? (STAMMERS)

And you brought me flowers.

Thank you.

That is the perfect color on you, Frank.

You know, it's my passion.

Whenever I garden, I always feel like I'm at peace.

It's really where I feel the happiest.

You kind of remind me of my mom. She practically lived in the garden.

She always kept like, a beautiful bush.

Wait, I'm sorry, that didn't come out right.


No, no, no. Hey, hygiene is very important.

That's for sure.

Can I keep these?

Of course.

I know it sounds kind of corny, but I'm a big fan of mementos.


...every time I look at this, I'll think of this moment. Kind of corny, isn't it?

Well, no, actually I think it's kind of sweet.

Wow, a home cooked meal. This is delicious.

This rates up there with Mom's. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you so much.

No, thank you.

I can't tell you how nice it is to actually cook for someone who appreciates it.

Why did you marry him?

Wait, that's none of my business. I'm sorry.

Forget... No, look, it's fine.

Hey, I'm a big girl, right?

You know, he was different back then.

And it was fun and it was exciting and...

...I got pregnant with Martin and then we just decided to get married.

To Martin.

(LAUGHING) No, I just thought you were this crazy, hulking angry man who went around town beating up people.

Well, I have done some things I'm not proud of.

No, what I mean is that I would've never known that underneath is this sweet and kind and gentle man with a heart of gold.

Well, now you're making me sound like some kind of nice guy or something.

You are.

MARTIN: What's up, shorties?

Hey. Hi.

Kevin's grounded so his mama sent me home early.

Oh, shit! Pie!

Scoot over! Whatcha...? (MUMBLING) Move.


Oh, I get it. It's like a party line with computers.

What the hell's a party line?

It's where a group of people can call in all at the same time and talk to each other.

It's kind of amazing. Where have you been, kid?

Man, that's called a conference call. What's wrong with you?

I think you're the only human being on the planet that's not on Facebook.

I hooked you up with an email address, so if anyone offers a friend request, it'll come straight to your mailbox.

Do you mean like people can call up and ask to be my friend?

Maybe. Especially if you get yourself some new clothes.

You look like a goodwill ambassador for Goodwill.

Are you kidding? These clothes are fresh.

I got a very distinctive style that spans many generations.

Yeah, that's another way of saying you got hand-me-downs, bitch.

That shit you got on look like it came from your dad when he fought in the Civil War.

So... long you think I'm gonna be living here without a door?

Well, I gotta get some brand-new hinges and I'll fix it in the morning, but in the meantime, you stay at my house.

No, Frank, we can't do that. Oh, yeah, you can.

You bet your ass I ain't sleeping in a house without a door.

What the...? I can't believe this shit.

You already have 50 friend requests... and the shitjust keeps going.

Guess I won't be needing those new threads, huh? (CHUCKLES)

Jesus, Frank. Thought I'd find you here.

What is this? Open it up.

It's called a flash drive. Yeah, I know what it's called.

What's on it? Some pretty classified stuff.

So classified they killed Klondike for it.

Why don't you and I go get a cup of coffee?

I got some stuff I gotta take care of. Frank, what's going on?

Nothing I can't handle. Look, you've already done enough.

Let us handle it from here. Don't let nobody see that.

And if anything should happen to me, take care of Baxter.



Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

Uh, I haven't been to confession since my daddy died, so...

...cut me a little slack. (CHUCKLES)

Go ahead. Tell me your sins, my son.

I haven't lived the greatest life.

There's, uh, plenty that I'm not proud of.

But I'm about to do something tonight...

...that will not sit right in the eyes of the Heavenly Father.

What is it, my son?

I'm seeking revenge in the name of my brother.


Looking for somebody, OG?

I'm looking for Panther.

He's unavailable.

Tell him Frank Vega wants to see him.

PANTHER: Frank Vega, aka Bad Ass.

The one who sliced off my man's hand by using a garbage disposal?

I've been waiting for you, ese.


You're very popular these days, Mr. Vega.

It's very impressive.

But it looks like you've bitten off a little bit more than you can chew.

You murdered my best friend.

Oh, you make it sound like I was at fault here.

Your boy stole from me.

I repay for loyalty and I dispose for disloyalty.

Now, I think you have something of mine.

Hand over the drive.

The what?

The flash drive, Vega, hand it over.

What the fuck's a flash drive?

It's an inch-long storage device that uses solid-state memory to store persistent data from your computer.

Oh, flash drive. Where did...?

Oh, yeah, you know, I stuck that up your ass...


Cock-a-doodle-doo! (LAUGHING)

Rise and shine, big fella.

You feeling a little better now?

Oh, oh...

Flashbacks of Ho Chi Minh City, huh, Vega? (LAUGHS)

We wanted you to relive the salad days of your youth.

Let's give him a taster.




PANTHER: Oh, man! Oh, it's refreshing!

What a nice way to end the day, don't you think? (LAUGHING)

Let me explain something to you.

That drive has information regarding a deal I have with the city to bring in a tremendous amount of revenue.

It's gonna do wonders for this community.

I'm bringing in big change over here, my man.

You'd be doing a public service to return it.

If you call raising crime to chase people out, so you can build oil wells in their backyards, a public service, count me out.

PANTHER: All right.

Let's get down to the brass tacks.

Where... is...

...the motherfucking drive?

It's in... your asshole.



Is that all you've got, bitch?

Damn, you old fucks are hard to crack.

Your boy Klondike was the same way. Stubborn motherfuckers.

Well then, let's try turning it up to the maximum level, reserved only for the likes of the African bush elephant and the Siberian moose. Shall we?


All right!



Frank, where's the fucking drive?


All right. It's... (EXHALING)

It's really up your ass. (PANTING)

I can't do this anymore.

Give me his wallet.

Well, goddamn, bro.

You live right up in the motherfucking hood and shit.

There's nothing there. You're wasting your time.

What was that, Vega? Who do you have over there?

Oh, yeah.

You got some little lady friend over there, Vega?

Well, in that case, I'm gonna go over there myself and check it out.

You're at the end of an era, big Frank.

But I gotta give you respect, man. You're going out like a champ.

Continue on without me.

What the...?!


I was wondering when those two were gonna leave.




Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

What's up, buddy? What's going on?

Get the fuck out of here!


Hey! That's my bus! What are you doing?

Hey! Hey, man! That's my bus!

Hold it, hold it! (PANTING)

I gotta take your bus. It's a matter of life and death.

You're that Bad Ass dude, right?

Yeah, take it. Take it, it's yours, man.

(STAMMERS) You're awesome. I love you, man.

You're the best! Enjoy the bus!



Get out of the fucking way!

Oh, shit!

There you are, you son of a bitch.

Creeping up my ass, huh?

(HONKING) Out of my way, bitches!



Sorry! I'm out of change!


Oh, shit!


I'm here on behalf of my best friend, Klondike Washington.

You killed him.

How do you wanna die, motherfucker?

Let's do it.




How do you like that, you cocksucking motherfucker?!








No, see, 'cause... What the fuck?

I thought we killed you, fucko.

Son of a bitch, this motherfucker won't die.

Well, that's about to change about now.

Come on, give me a break, man.

You have any idea how you've completely messed up our lives?

Because of you we're a joke. We got kicked out of the brotherhood.

His girlfriend left him.

Yeah, and we're getting bullied by anybody over the age of 60.

All that viral bullshit? That's about to change.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Let's make a little fucking movie of our own.

Yeah. Ready? Action!


(GUNSHOT) Ow! You got my foot!


I can't wait to see what this footage looks like.




How the hell did Frank score a sweet piece of ass like you?

Who the fuck are you?

Look, we can make this easy or we can make it hard.

Tell me where that fucking flash drive is!

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know anything about a flash drive.

You wanna make it hard? Then I'm gonna cut your fucking head off!



Motherfucker, your ass is mine now!

Are you ready for an ass-whipping? Come on with it.



Come on! Get your ass up!

Who's the bad ass now, huh, Frank? It's over!

No, it's over for you, motherfucker!



You know, I should have cut your fucking head offwhen I had the goddamn...





That was for Klondike.


Oh, my God...



Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Wow. I've never had a woman rescue me before.

Well, I always got my man's back.

I'm just glad that you're OK.

I'm all right.

Oh, Frank, look.

You're leaking everywhere. It's OK.

Let's go get that first aid kit and maybe I'll clean you up this time.

You really fucked him up, huh?

PANTHER: Somebody...

Somebody send... ambulance.

Somebody send an ambulance.

You might remember him as Bad Ass, the bearded hero who stood up for an elderly gentleman on an SC Transit bus and became an overnight Internet sensation.

Well, Bad Ass, aka Frank Vega, is back in the news, as he uncovered one of the city's biggest political corruption scandals involving Mayor Williams and the most dangerous organized street gang in the country. (REPORTERS CLAMOR)

WOMAN: Mayor, can we have a statement?

I've been targeted by special interest groups who are trying to destroy my agenda.

I assure you that my name will be cleared of all wrongdoing.

Well then, how do you explain your payroll links to organized crime?

I can assure you that once all of the facts have seen the light of day, I will be cleared of all charges. That's all I have to say.

Because of his heroic efforts, Vega, who is a decorated Vietnam War veteran and native of Los Angeles, was made an honorary police officer this morning.

Congratulations, Frank. It's been a long time coming, my man.

WOMAN: Vega was appointed head of community outreach and will begin his new post, effective immediately.

Well... I don't know what to say. (CAMERAS CLICKING)

I've been waiting for this for over 40 years.

I'm very, very proud.

I'd like to thank, uh...

...Officer Malark... FRANK: So you got a girlfriend, huh?

MARTIN: Yeah, man, I got two. You know how I be. I'm a player.

I'm gonna have three next week. Oh, really? (LAUGHS)

How'd you get him to open up and talk about all his girlfriends?

I tortured him.

Well, why don't you torture him some more? I need more information.

I can't do that. I mean, that's man stuff.


Well, I hope you men are hungry.

Starving. (CHUCKLES) Good.

You know...

...I think I actually found the best day of my life.


I think it'd be better if you trimmed that damn beard.

(LAUGHING) Martin.

But he does have a point, Frank. Hey, I just trimmed it.

I don't see it. (LAUGHING)