Bad Milo (2013) Script

(GROWLING)

Pick up. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!

(PANTING)

Sarah! Sarah!

Duncan, what happened to you?

Good. You're okay. Go down to the basement.

Right now. (PANTING)

Oh, my God! What is that?

Do it now! Hurry!

Goddamn it!

(SCREAMING)


(GROWLING)

DOCTOR: And there she blows.

Mr. and Mrs. Hayslip, take a look.

What is it?

It's definitely something the doctor should look at.

He'll be with you in a moment. - Thank you.

Thanks.

Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

Familial adenomatous polypsis.

It's a polyp.

Oh, it sounds really bad. That sounds bad.

You got a thing in your butt.

Okay. Yeah.

You got a little trooper in your pooper.

You don't need him there. Is it serious?

It's... it's not that bad. It's not that serious.

This though, this is a weird shape.

This is concerning me a little, but not overly.

Look, in the end, this lump in your colon is most likely due to PSM which is poor stress management.

Look, how long have you had stomach issues?

Um, for... ever. Mmmmm.

Yeah, he's in the bathroom a lot.

Not, I mean not, not a lot. I'm in the bathroom a decent amount of time, but not like, it's not extreme.

How often is a lot? Hour, hour and a half.

Yeah, about 90 minutes.

That's not, that's... hugely concerning.

Over the course of the day, not...

Okay, good thing is, we can do something about this.

It's an endoscopic polypectomy.

Basically, we insert a camera, into the anus.

Okay. Right?

There's an electrified wire loop at the end of it, and we... (MAKES POPPING NOISE)

...pop it off, like a plum off a tree.

Being pulled by an electrified wire loop.

Okay. Okay, I get it. You don't have to...

You don't have to describe it anymore.

Do you have a family history of G.I. problems?

Uh, well, you know, my mom would gladly tell you that she's, um, you know, regular like clockwork. (PANTING)

One of those. What about your father?

Uh, well, we don't speak.

I haven't spoken to him in sometime. So...

Look, I think what you're going to need is some coping mechanisms, so I can give you the name of some professionals that can help you out. - Are you talking about a therapist?

Oh, I'm nut... I'm not a therapy guy.

We can get there. We'll do it. We'll call him.

Great. Stop by the desk on your way out.

Talk to Nancy about scheduling a follow-up.

Until then, you take it down.

No stress. Keep it quiet. Right.

No stress.

(WHISPERING) Keep it cool.

No stress.

(BELL DINGING)

I'm sorry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Um, hello?

This is my office. You might be in the wrong office.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Just take that all down the hall and to the left.

Lucky day, Dunc. New office. Part of the new job. What?

New job?

Human resources.

I'm an accountant. I don't know the first thing about humans.

Come on, it's just temporary. You're far too valuable an accountant to keep in H.R. permanently.

I'd love to help. I just don't know if I'm the right man for the job.

Do you believe in this company? - Yes.

Believe in our mission statement? - Yes.

Our employees are also our clients. Of course.

Our clients trust us because we put our own skin in the game.

I'm in the game. I'm in the game, too.

Your retirement account is here. Mine is here. We're in this together.

Right. Right. Right.

Which is why I need you to handle the layoffs.

What?

You're a nice guy, Dunc. Thank you.

Which is exactly what we need right now.

A nice guy, and we gotta let some people go, and you just said you're a team player.

I am a team player, it's just that I don't...

I don't... I've never fired anybody before in my life.

It's easy, you'll love it. I'm so glad you're on board.

Um, I'll be sad to see you go.

What?

So. Your new office.

This is a bathroom.

It was a bathroom, and now it is an office for two.

Hey, there, cubie.

That's what I'm saying instead of roomie.

Dunc, you know Alistair.

Um... yeah.

Uh, Duncan, I need you and AI to work on a re-org chart and uh, I'm going to need to see that first thing next week.

Next week? I still have to deal with the Darcy accounts.

I have... The board of directors asked me to make a presentation.

I have to get that done by Monday. - You got Alistair.

You got it covered. (SIGHS)

Hey, uh, cubie.

You think these toilets are still functional?

Would save us a lot of trips down the hall.

Really?

Yeah.

SARAH: And don't forget we have dinner with your mother tonight at 6 pm.

Thank you for doing this therapy thing.

I think it's gonna help. His name's Dr. Oliver Highsmith, and I think you're really gonna like him.

I know you think all therapists are crazy, but I think this guy is totally legit.

I hope it goes well, doughnut.

(LAUGHING)

Lactose intolerant. Just like myself.

I am not... Did I... did I write that I was?

You checked it, yes. I meant no, I'm not.

I don't get it, you meant no when you say yes?

I think it was just a mistake. I am not lactose intolerant.

Okay, don't make it a big issue.

I'm sorry. What's happening?

Witch doctor. Witch doctor.

Shut up! Please, don't listen to him.

He thinks he knows everything about everybody.

I can't stand him sometimes. It's like...

(GROANS, LAUGHS)

All right then. Let's get started.

I want you to come over here.

Lay down. Relax.

Uh, what... what far?

What you came here for.

Hypnosis. Not?

Oh... No.

I want to bypass your conscious mind to access your subconscious mind.

Ah...

Where the real you might be.

The true you.

A light and consistent stroke over the forehead from Temple to Temple relaxes the patient.

Okay.

No, I act... I actually don't know if this is right for me.

I mean, I'm only here because of my wife.

Uh, no offense, I'm just not... I just don't believe in hypnosis.

How about we do this, how about we just pretend...

I'll pay you, and we'll pretend that I'm making progress.

I don't need your money.

I didn't mean to offend you. I'm not offended.

I'm just sad.

Uh...

I'm here on Earth to help people.

(SIGHS) Well, thank you for coming.

Would you mind if I, uh... if I took off?

Shh.

(WHISPERING) You've gotta be... (BIRD SQUAWKS)

We're done.

I just want to thank you two for being so supportive.

It's kind of been a rough time. A lot of stress at work.

It has been, it's been a crazy couple of weeks at work.

Well, we love seeing you guys.

And Bobby just, you know, he loves to cook.

Oh, I do, I do.

Oh, Mom, don't. Mom...

(MOANING, KISSING)

Oh. That is not the spiciest dish at the table.

(DUNCAN LAUGHS) Yeah.

Well, thank you so much for the food, Bobby.

Duncan? Yeah?

You can call me Dad. Or Daddy.

No need to. Papa.

Bobby is good with me. You know what?

Don't call me Daddy. That's reserved for somebody else.

(DOORBELL RINGS) (STOMACH GROWLS)

Mmm. That must be our special guest.

Special guest? (WHISPERING) I don't know...

Dunkie. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

Growing up without a male to look up to.

To know what males should act like.

Every now and then it's a little obvious.

MOM: Everybody. Sort of... girlie.

This is Dr. Lawrence Tip, and he runs the Tip Center for Fertility.

That's right. And we're doing really well.

Duncan, I presume?

Yeah. Yes.

I've heard a lot about you.

Are... are you two planning on having a baby?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, heavens no. Not the way we do it.

(SIGHS)

Sc Duncan, your mother here tells me that you guys are having a little trouble conceiving.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Sweetie, Sarah is ready.

So if your little guys are slow swimmers, maybe something can be done.

Wow. Beatrice, I feel like I may have mislead you because that is not an issue that we're having.

Duncan, if you have a problem with erectile dysfunction, I can help you with that.

Look, I just thought there might be a problem.

Your father had a problem in that department.

I just thought... I don't... I don't...

...need to know about any of that.

Honey, sometimes we have to hear things we don't want to hear.

It's a common affliction, Duncan.

A lot of men have it.

(CHUCKLES) Not me, of course. I'm a very virile man.

Me neither. Super virile. Very virile.

I don't know you well enough for this to feel comfortable with me.

Bobby, thank you so much for this delicious food.

If you want, I can set up an examination.

I don't. Mmm, would you?

I don't. Great idea.

In fact, maybe I can take a look tonight while I'm here.

That would be perfect!

See if there's a response to a stimulus.

Are you the one doing the stimulating?

That's correct, yes.

And size has nothing to do with it. Don't be bashful.

He's right. You know, I mean, we don't have that problem.

No. We have the opposite problem.

I mean, we have to really take it slow.

Honey, no one cares about the size of your Willie.

I've seen it, it's beautiful. It's way above average.

The point is progeny.

We want grandkids.

In other words, there's more than one way to choke a chicken.

Uh, wow, that's... (CELL PHONE RINGS)

That's something to think about.

Oh, look at that. It's work. I'm gonna have to take this.

Yeah, hello?

ALISTAIR: Hey, cubie, how's it going?

Two things. First of all, the toilets do nut work properly.

Uh-huh.

Second point.

I've looked into the Murphy report on your computer...

You're using my computer?

Yes, and the good news is, I found it.

The bad news is, I think I may have deleted something important.

You what? (STOMACH GROWLS)

Yeah, it was a folder called.

"Board of directors presentation."

What? Are you fucking kidding me?

I've been working on that for a year.

Oh, my God. This is bad.

Honestly, I was flustered by the toilet situation.

I called the janitor. That's going to be better.

That will... Whatever, whatever.

Whatever. I'll come in tonight. I'll take care of it.

Bye.

(STOMACH GROWLING) (GROANING)

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

(KEYS RATTLING)

Oh, God. (FARTING)

(BATHROOM SOUNDS)

(BATHROOM SOUNDS CONTINUE)

(DUNCAN GROANING)

(GROANS)

Did you know that the leading 'cause of divorce is children?

That's not true.

That is just what children believe in their hearts.

Kids are a huge responsibility.

It's just a stressful thing, honey.

I don't know if I could do it right now.

Okay, look, I didn't say that I wanted to have a kid today.

I don't need to have a kid tomorrow.

Okay, good because tomorrow I have plans.

I gotta go see the doctor. I gotta get the car washed.

Honestly, so if you're planning on popping out a kid, I just don't think it's an appropriate day to do it.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm just saying that...

...I want to have a family, and I want to have a family with you.

I know. I want to have a baby, too.

I just... (SIGHS)

Phil put me in charge of layoffs. Today.

Why did you agree to that?

(CHUCKLES) What am I gonna say?

All you have to really do is just say no.

(CHUCKLES) It's just...

It's not a great time to make big changes right now.

Can we just let things settle down a little bit?

Okay. Yeah?

All right. I'm sorry.

(STOMACH GROWLING)

What is going on down there?

Awful things. Godawful things.

Oh, my God.

That is the worst smell I have ever smelled in my life.

(BATHROOM SOUNDS)

SARAH: Honey? Is this gonna be more cf a five minute deal, or a half hour deal?

Uh, go to bed, honey. I have to go back to the office anyway.

Don't wait up for me. Okay, be safe in there.

Don't rip anything. I love you.

Good night. Okay.

(BATHROOM SOUNDS) (DUNCAN YELPS)

(DUNCAN SCREAMS)

(DUNCAN GROANS LOUDLY)

(DUNCAN CONTINUES GROANING)

(BATHROOM SOUNDS)

(DUNCAN GROANING AND MOANING)

(BATHROOM SOUNDS)

(DUNCAN GROANING AND YELLING)

(STOMACH GROWLING)

(DUNCAN GROANING AND STRAINING)

(STOMACH GROWLS, SCREAMING)

(THUD, GLASS BREAKING)

(MUFFLED GROWLING, WATER SPLASHING)

(PANTING)

(PANTING, MUFFLED GROWLING)

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

(MUTTERING, CHATTERING)

(SNUFFLING)

(WET, STICKY SOUND)

(GROANS)

Hey.

(STOMACH GROWLS)

Are you okay?

Yeah. Just, uh... slept funny.

(BABY VOICE) Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I tell you what happened yesterday?

Samantha's pregnant. Can you believe it?

And not only that, they went down to City Hall and got married yesterday, and they didn't even tell me till after the fact. Oh.

So crazy, she's my last friend that I ever, ever, ever thought would have kids, but she has health insurance now that she's pregnant...

TELEVISION: The body of Alistair McGee was discovered earlier this morning by maintenance crews.

McGee died from massive blood loss sometime during the evening.

The coroner's office reports that the injuries were sustained by what appears to be an animal attack.

- Experts say it could've been... - What?

That's Alistair. Who's Alistair?

My cubie.

...focus of a recent SEC investigation in response to charges of corporate fraud.

Can you imagine what happened in there?

It must have been terrifying.

PHIL: You're late.

What the hell happened?

I'm not sure. Some kind of animal attacked Alistair last night.

Animal control says it was probably a rabid raccoon.

Yeah, that's what they said on the news.

It's super freaky. I got somebody checking out my office right now.

Listen, at least you don't have to fire him.

Bonus. Here's how we're gonna play it.

I just want you to be straight with them.

You're gonna give them the package.

When you walk in, you're gonna see the folder...

You... you want me to do this now? You want to fire this guy today?

You'll do fine. What about Jill?

Jill is great for something like this because she's big, she's intimidating, she's tough.

I don't want tough. I want nice.

I want gentle.

Oh.

I want you.

So clean and quick, and then I'll send in the next guy.

And if he doesn't break out an AK-47, we all win.

Hey, hey, look what I can do.

You know, it's times like these it...

...it's difficult to bounce back.

So we're... we're giving you this, and the severance package is not much, but it's something.

There's a severance package?

I mean, the meat of it is the thank you.

You mean like a... a note that just says thanks?

Yeah, that's bad.

It's not much, Abaloosh, but... - Abalash.

I'm sorry? My name is Abalash.

It's spelled like it's Abaloosh.

Really?

Really?

It's dumb that we have those in there.

Barry thought it would be a...

...a laugh in a... in a stressful situation.

I said at the time, that's not a good idea.

Give those back. I don't know why somebody...

(CRINKLING SOUNDS)

That's completely... inappropriate.

(RATTLING SOUNDS)

Good job, brah. That's it for today.

Today?

I have to do more of this? It'll get easier.

You gotta remember what you're doing is a good thing.

It's horrible.

But...

...it's fulfilling. (SIGHS)

(STOMACH GROWLS)

TIP: Hi, Duncan, it's Dr. Tip calling from the Center for Fertility.

Look, I'm gonna level with you, you've got a smoking hot wife, and you're moping around with a wet noodle.

If you don't get her pregnant soon, somebody else will.

- Come on. Be a man and ask for help.

Call me.

How is this guy a doctor?

All right. Let's, uh...

...let's see here.

There you go.

So far... so good.

(SLOSHING SOUNDS)

Uh... no. That's strange.

I'm in the right... Hold on.

(DOCTOR GRUNTS)

Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Where are you?

Yula, can you hold the chart up for me?

Huh, that is strange. I'm right in the right spot, and there's no polyp in here.

I'm right there. I'm right in the neighborhood.

I'm knocking...

...but no one's home.

Jesus! (GROWLING)

(SCREAMING) (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

What the fuck?

(SNORING)

I-I-I honestly, I didn't know where else to go.

I mean, it was just a weird night.

I mean, I had this horrible dream.

And the guy I work with was killed by a rabid raccoon.

What? And then the night before, I woke up in the bathroom.

I woke up in the bathroom, and I didn't know what happened.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to hypnotize me.

Fantastic.

In your own time, please tell me...

...what you see.

I'm standing in front of an office building.

It's where I work.

Can you tell me about your work?

It's a financial services company. It's not very fulfilling.

Lately, it's been stressful. Very...

(STOMACH GROWLS) Very stressful.

Are you alone?

No. I'm with my mother.

And where is your father?

My father's not there.

Why?

My parents divorced when I was eight.

(BIRD SQUAWKING) Abandonment issues.

Shut up! Abandonment issues.

I'll clip your wings. (DUNCAN'S STOMACH GROWLS)

Go on.

Sarah?

And Sarah's there?

She's right over there.

On the grass.

And what does Sarah want?

I know what she wants. She wants a family.

And I just don't know if I... (STOMACH GROWLS)

...if I'll ever be a good... good dad.

I know, I know, I know it will make you happy.

But I don't... I just want to wait to have a kid.

My mother hired this asshole fertility doctor.

(GROWLING) Oh, my God!

(SHOUTS)

(STOMACH GROWLING LOUDLY)

(DUNCAN SCREAMS AND MOANS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS, MATERIAL RIPS)

Wow.

(RIPPING)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey-hey-hey! Just hold it right there.

Stay right there. Stay right there, you hear me?

(GROWLS) Whoa!

No! No! No! No! (GROWLING)

(MUTTERING)

Mr. Hayslip.

I'm going to count from three down to one.

And when I reach one, you're gonna wake up.

Do you understand?

Three, two...

(SCREAMING)

Get off!

One!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SHOUTING) What is that?!

(SCREAMING)

(SQUAWKING)

(ALL STOP SCREAMING)

(GRUMBLING)

(CAR ALARM BLARES) He's gone.

It just went out the window.

(ALARMS BLARE)

Wow.

How's your ass?

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

This might help.

And this.

I should've spotted it when you first walked in.

My life is over. It's in the eyes.

Always in the eyes. Sorry.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's not in the eyes. That thing came out of my ass.

It was ins... Shh.

What do we do?

Just wait. Wait.

Wait, what? For what?

For somebody to snap their fingers and wake me up?

'Cause my life is over. Did I mention that my life is over?

I'm gonna just go home to my wife. And... Oh, my God, Sarah.

Hey, Sarah, I'm home. Guess what? I have an alien in my ass.

There is this ancient myth surrounding the anus.

Here it is. Look at this.

The myth of our anus.

You see, before religion became the primary focus of our society, there was a beautiful time where mythology and legends filled our beings.

What does this have to do with me?

Listen, I believe that this very same creature came out of your anus and attacked your co-worker.

Alistair? Precisely.

When you're pushed into a corner by someone, this creature comes out and attacks that someone.

In this case, it was me. Look here.

My ass, I got bitten. (LAUGHS)

What if I have more inside of me?

Well, if that's the case, we have to kill this thing.

No, no, no. You're missing the point.

This thing is a part of you.

Don't you understand? It's your subconscious.

It's your raw desires.

No, I didn't mean to hurt Alistair. I don't want to hurt anybody.

(MAKING APE SOUNDS)

We're still apes, Hayslip. Don't you understand?

Maybe you didn't want to hurt him in here.

But I think you wanted to hurt him in here.

And in here.

If you kill it, you're gonna kill a very important part of yourself.

You see, that fear, worry and anger are essential to the human beings as long as we can control them and use them to our advantage.

My mentor always told me, "Stop carrying the horse on your shoulders.

Put him between your legs, and ride him!"

What are you... What are you talking about?

It's a metaphor.

I had a monster up my ass!

This is the furthest thing from a metaphor!

Listen! If you kill it, it would be just like giving yourself a lobotomy.

You would become a zombie. Not a good idea.

This creature is a physical manifestation of your dark side.

What? You gotta accept this.

Accept it. Take it to yourself.

Bond with it.

That's your only way to control it.

But listen to me, the most important thing now, when it returns, and it will return, (MUTTERS) It will try to get back inside of you. What? What?

What? Yeah.

It will try to get inside of you.

No. No. Of course.

Before it does, you have to bond with it.

Okay?

All right, let me get this straight.

Hmm? You want me to bond with it?

And if I do, you're saying there's a very good chance that it won't hurt anybody else?

Hopefully. (CHUCKLES, SNORTS)

So now what?

We wait.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh... Oh, God.

(MOANING)

Oh.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, wow.

They teach you that in medical school?

Sort of. Hmm.

So, uh, my turn now?

Oh. I don't do that.

You're being serious?

Yes. But you got my number. So call me.

(SIGHING)

All right, Larry.

It's just us out here.

Here we go.

Focus.

(EXHALES)

(GLASS BREAKS, CAT HISSES)

Brittany?

Change your mind?

(CRASHING)

Hello?

Brittany? Don't be a little bitch.

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHING)

(HARMONICA PLAYS)

(DEMON HUMMING)

Oh, no.

Hayslip! Hayslip.

Hayslip. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up!

Hey! Hey!

What? There.

What? There. It's back.

W-w-what do you want me to do?

Go over there. No.

No, it belongs to you. Please, please.

Remember. Bond with it.

(DEMON MUTTERING)

Okay, okay, okay. Just give me a...

Shh. Time... (STAMMERS)

Keep your voice down.

(MUTTERING)

HIGHSMITH: Careful. Careful.

If this thing comes at me, I want you to hit it with a chair.

No, no, it won't attack you.

He's a part of you.

Hey. Hey! Boy.

(SOFTLY MUTTERS)

It's bleeding. I think it might be hurt.

Bond with it.

Hey...

...Milo. (MUTTERS)

HIGHSMITH: Milo?

Sarah likes that name. I had a much better name.

(MUTTERS)

You scared? You look scared.

Yeah, I'm scared, too.

HIGHSMITH: Let him back home.

You know, he wants to come home.

Yeah, I-I-I can't. I can't.

Well, somehow, he slipped his way out of you.

I'm sure he knows how to slip into you again.

Don't you think?

It's too fucking big.

Please don't cuss in front of him.

Come on, it's too big.

Big, fat babies come out of tiny vaginae.

Maybe your anus is just like a vagina.

(UNZIPS PANTS, UNBUCKLES BELT)

Come on, Milo.

(WHISTLING)

Come on home. Door's open.

Okay, come on.

(GROANS) Nails, nails, nails, nails.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(SHOUTS)

(MILO STRUGGLING)

Good. (DUNCAN YELLS)

Good.

God! (CRYING)

Duncan, breathe, breathe.

I'm trying to breathe. Good.

It's very difficult.

(SCREAMS)

Don't push. Don't push.

I'm not doing anything.

Let it... Uh-uh. Yes. Oh.

(SIGHS)

Wow...

He's up there.

It was beautiful.

Yeah, and humiliating.

You have to learn one thing now.

To control Milo.

You get stressed out, Milo comes, and ruins somebody's day.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

From now on, you gotta learn to breathe.

Relax.

HIGHSMITH: Now if you feel an episode coming on, try some yoga or green tea.

But nothing mind altering. No drugs. No alcohol.

And absolutely no dairy.

And you can call me anytime.

I'm there for you.

(GROANING)

Breathe, breathe.

HIGHSMITH: This thing is a part of you.

If you kill it, it would be like giving yourself a lobotomy.

You would become a zombie.

You've gotta learn to breathe.

Relax.

Relax.

Oh, shit!

Duncan. Oh, good morning.

Any idea why Eric Paulson would've made six frantic phone calls before 9 am?

What?

He wants to know why his account has been zeroed out.

Wait, back up. Who did what to who and what?

Yeah, zero. Gone.

What? Yeah.

(TYPING NOISES)

What? Huh.

All right, slow down. What happened?

I don't know, I don't know. I mean, I looked at his accounts, and it looks like his holdings have been sold, and then everything was just dumped into tectonic pipelines.

Tectonic is junk. No, I know.

I haven't spoken to him in two weeks.

I mean everything was fine a few days ago.

Duncan, this is your account. It's your responsibility.

I know, of course. Of course. I know. I-I...

Okay, hold on. Just hold on.

Let's think about this for a second.

Okay, (GRUNTS)

(BREATHES)

(MAKES SUCKING NOISES)

I want you to clip into our employee pension fund, and cover the Paulson losses.

What?

We gotta borrow from Peter to pay Paulson.

Unless you got a better idea.

Right, that doesn't... I can't-l can't transfer accounts because that's highly illegal.

(LAUGHS)

No, this is your account, Duncan.

It was your responsibility to maintain it, and, uh, something happened, that happened on your watch.

(STOMACH GROWLING)

Yeah... Yeah.

Good.

Keep it under your hat, and we'll be all right.

Okay. (STOMACH GROWLS)

Hey. Team player.

(WHISPERING) Yeah. Team player.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

- Hey. HIGHSMITH: Hayslip.

Have you seen the news? It's all over the television.

Milo's making a name for himself.

Oh, no.

Get over to my office quick.

We gotta take decisive action before Milo strikes again.

Oh, boy. Oh, this is bad.

Oh, this is so bad. This is so bad.

I mean, I don't want to hurt anybody. I didn't want to hurt anybody.

I mean, the guy was a dick. Yeah, sure, but I wouldn't...

I didn't want him to die. I don't want that.

Events are moving fast, and we're way behind.

Oh, this is bad.

We usually wait until remains are more private.

But I'm left no choice.

I have to break out the big guns.

(SQUAWKS)

We're talking about sock puppets.

No. No, no, no, no.

They are real people now.

Maybe you and I are sock puppets to them.

Right.

(EXHALES)

Hey, honey.

So, what's for dinner?

(HIGH VOICE) Kung pao chicken.

But that upsets my stomach.

Well, we have tons of leftovers, so take it or leave it.

(LAUGHS) You got her, didn't you?

Yeah, sometimes... sometimes it, you know, because...

You can tell her. - She's insensitive to my feelings.

But why do you keep it inside? It's better to tell her.

Okay. Don't turn your back.

No. Keep it inside.

Yeah. You know, honey, it's just my stomach, I have a very sensitive stomach.

Oh, again with your goddamn stomach.

Hey, knock it off, all right?

Again with your stupid, stupid voice.

Hey, I hate you, Dad. I hate you!

Shut up and eat your goddamn dinner, son!

Hold it.

Oh... my... God.

Did you hear what you just said?

You said "Dad."

No, no, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Where's your dad? Where's your dad right now?

I-I-I have no idea. I mean...

Last I heard, he lives in a shack. Kind of off the grid.

Listen to me. Your fears and all the anxiety even this Milo...

...they all share a nexus.

Rooted with your father.

(STOMACH GROWLS)

You have to find him.

MAN ON RADIO: She had scratches all over her body, and had to be rushed to the hospital.

She spoke to Peter Brookings about her frightening experience.

Peter, you don't hear a lot about raccoon attacks.

In fact, I can't ever think of one this serious.

(CAR DRIVES UP)

(KEYS RATTLE)

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Dad?

Dad?

Hello?

(CLANKING)

(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

RECORDING: My body is clean.

My mind is clean.

I am beautiful.

Inside and out.

My body is a Temple, and I keep my Temple clean.

I sweep the floors of my Temple.

I shower my mind.

Dad? (MAN COUGHING)

(GROANS)

Hey. Hey.

(COUGHING) What are you doing in there?

(COUGHING)

Meditating. (COUGHS)

Dad. Wait a second. Dad? Dad!

Dad, I need to talk to you about something.

(CHUCKLES) Something that's...

...been happening.

Uh... I don't do that.

You don't do what?

I don't analyze, I don't project.

There's only... the now.

Well, what I need to talk to you about is happening now.

No. You're here to lay blame.

You did it last time we talked, but the past has no audience with me. This is it, son.

No, this isn't it, Dad. This isn't it.

There's some stuff that happened before the now.

The fact that you haven't remembered my birthday since I was 10.

Huh. Well.

Or the fact that you don't remember my wife's name.

Do you remember my wife's name?

Grace. No.

Do you even... think about me?

Do you wonder if I'm okay?

I don't know, you seem okay.

I mean, nobody's stabbing you in the eye with a fork right now.

Not that I can see. - Shit's fucked up right now, Dad.

Shit is as fucked up as you allow it to be.

Namaste.

(STOMACH GROWLS)

Oh, that's great sound advice.

Great. No, I'll take that from my pretentious, loser, pothead dad who doesn't give a shit about anybody but himself.

I take this as prescribed.

Yeah, why don't you go medicate some more.

(GROANING)

Just hold that thought. Hold...

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

Okay, I'm letting you out, I'm letting you out.

But we're gonna talk. We're gonna talk, okay?

(SCREAMS)

Oh! (MILO MUTTERING)

Oh, shit. Oh... (SHUSHING)

Come on, I let you out. I let you out.

So let's... let's talk about this, okay?

I don't want you to kill my dad. I don't want that.

Don't... No, no, no, no, no.

(GROANING)

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Stop it. No! No! Bad! Bad Milo!

Shit! Get off me!

(BOTH STRUGGLING)

Get off! Get off! (MUTTERS, LAUGHS)

Stop it! I know! I know he's a dick.

I know, I know. He's wrong.

But please, don't... eat my father.

No matter how I'm feeling. (GROWLS)

Are you hungry? Huh? Are you hungry?

I don't have anything here.

But I have something at the office. I have a lot of food at the office.

So why don't you crawl... crawl back inside me.

Crawl back inside.

(WHIMPERS) (MUTTERING)

Good bay. Good Milo. (WHIMPERS)

(SHOUTS)

Wow.

Stomach flu?

Yeah.

Well, I hope you're not relying on Western medicine to cure you.

Listen, Dad.

I'm sort of doing this... therapy thing.

And I'm seeing this guy, and it's actually been helping.

And could... Would you just listen to me for a second?

I think that maybe if you and I went in, and we talked to him together, that maybe we can deal with this.

I can't. I'm sorry, Duncan.

I just... I can't. I... can't.

You can't. Yeah.

I can't tell you anything else. That's-that's the size of it.

Yeah.

Okay. Maybe I expected too much.

Yeah. I guess you did.

WOMAN: What's that smell?

(ELEVATOR RINGS)

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, food.

Food, it's coming, just knock...

(GROANS)

Food, food.

(CRINKLING NOISES)

Motherfucker.

Yeah.

I'm sorry... about this.

Here it is, a little mousey.

(SMACKS LIPS) Come on.

It's good eats. It's a good source of protein.

Come on, Milo. Just grab it.

Duncan, you better get out here.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Look at you. You're a mess.

What happened to you?

(CHUCKLES) Oh...

Is that poop on your shirt? It's a stomach flu.

Uh-huh. Well, there's federal agents out here.

It's looking pretty serious. What's that?

We got federal agents. Come on.

All right, yeah. I'll be right behind you. I'm coming out.

Button your pants.

(MILO GROWLING, CHEWING)

Do not shut down your computer. Do not touch anything.

These documents are now the property of the U.S. government.

Ma'am, please step away from your desk.

Sir, do nut turn off your computer.

Step away from your desk, please.

What's going on? I don't know what's going on.

AGENT: Make sure you get a head count.

Where's Phil?

AGENT: Please step away from your desk, Sir.

Phil, Phil, Phil!

What the hell's going on out there?

Uh, that? Uh, government seizure of institutional assets, freezing of accounts. That sort of thing.

No, no, no. I can see that.

Why?

Shit, Duncan, don't worry about it. It doesn't concern you anymore.

No, no, what about our investments?

Our employee investments. Our retirement accounts.

God, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I think those accounts are probably all zeroed out by now.

It sucks. I know.

You were talking about upper management.

You were talking all that stuff about employees being our clients. You were saying those things.

What about your money? What about your money?

Come on, D. You don't think I was stupid enough to invest here.

Fuck no. I'm good. You... You got no poker face.

You're a pussy.

In this world of ours, pussies don't excel.

If you want to survive, you gotta take a dump on your enemies, or else you're the one eating the shit sandwich.

Now if you will please remove your hand.

Hey, Phil.

(MATERIAL RIPPING, GROANING)

What the fuck is that?

Fuck you, Phil.

(SCREAMING, GROWLING)

(VICIOUS EATING SOUNDS)

OPERATOR: 911. What's your emergency?

H-h-hello. I'd like to report a...

Another raccoon attack.

SARAH: Duncan?

Are you okay? What happened? Oh, my God, Sarah.

Oh, my God. The FBI, uh...

What do you mean the FBI? What are... What's going on?

(SUBBING) These guys came.

These FBI guys came into the, uh, office, and they said everything was the property of the government's.

Oh, my God.

Phil said that all our accounts are gone.

What do you mean all the accounts are gone?

Everything. He stole everything.

We have no savings. Oh, my God.

It's all gone... (SCREAMS)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Duncan. I know. I know, I know.

I'm pregnant. (MOANING)

(GROANING)

Duncan. Duncan. (GROANS)

I'm pregnant.

Since when?

Just... I just found out. I was feeling...

I was feeling weird, and I missed my period, so I-I took a test.

Why-why didn't you... Why didn't you tell me this?

I just told you. I just... Why didn't you tell me before?

I just found out, Duncan. I just took the test.

No. We said we were gonna wait.

We said we were gonna wait. Did you plan this?

I mean, did you do this on... Did you do this on purpose?

Can you hear yourself right now? Did I do this on purpose?

No, I didn't do this on purpose. I wouldn't trick you.

I don't know how it happened. I'm on the pill, but I-l don't know, but I'm pregnant.

(STOMACH GROWLS)

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm just having a really, really, really really, really bad day.

Okay. I need you right now.

So please tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

Yeah, everything is gonna be fine, baby.

Oh, my God. What?

(STOMACH GROWLS)

Oh, God! Are you sick?

Do I need to call a doctor?

(SPUTTERING) I'm fine.

I'm perfectly fine.

I'm just gonna live in the now. Right in the now.

No, I don't need anything. I don't need work, and I don't need this house, and I...

(WHISPERING) Duncan.

So, um, you know, I can just walk away and...

In fact, that's what I'm gonna do because it's safer for you.

Duncan, I need you. Don't walk away from me.

I just, I have to rise above it, you know, and I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this anymore.

So, um...

Duncan, where are you going? Duncan!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(MILO MUTTERING)

(CHITTERING)

Come on.

It's okay. Okay.

It's just you and me, buddy.

It's just you and me.

(SNIFFING)

(KNOCKING) MAID: Housekeeping!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, we're... No, we're good. Thank you.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

No. Don't even think about it.

I will shove you right back up my ass.

No! Yeah.

MAN ON TV: Please don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

(BOTTLE SQUIRTING)

Eat it.

REPORTER: ...may have entered through the ventilation system which runs around the building.

(MUTTERING)

Security guards have been placed on ready alert.

Mothers and daughters have been notified.

(CAN CLANKING)

WOMAN ON TV: I don't love you anymore.

- Don't you understand that? MAN: Look me in the eyes.

Look me in the eyes when you say that.

(MILO GROWLING, CLANKING)

Milo.

Dick move.

Dick move, Milo.

SARAH: Duncan, where are you?

Are you coming to your parents' party tonight?

I really wish that you would talk to me.

I've left you so many messages.

I'll be at your parents' party if you want to talk.

Hey, Dad.

Um, I'm in trouble.

I know, I know.

I promise I will leave you alone.

Just do this one thing for me. Just this one thing.

We're here today to put to rest some of the issues that have plagued Duncan since you, let's say, parted from him.

Uh-uh, I don't... I don't agree with this.

I shouldn't be here.

I should be living in the now. Not wasting it on the was.

Well, Roger, since you are here, now...

Oh, yes. - Is it okay if Duncan can start?

(SIGHS) Please.

Sure.

ROGER: Why?

Thank you. I told you I don't do this.

You don't do what? I mean, why are you here?

If you don't do it, why are you here?

I'm here because you asked me to be here.

And if you want to... You want to know why things turned out like they did.

Did it for your own good.

I was never, ever, ever gonna be a good dad.

You didn't even try.

You didn't even try.

You don't know all the ways that I might have let you down if I'd stayed. You don't... Your mother.

She was good. She was a good woman.

In spite of a few things, but, uh, if anyone was gonna raise you right, it was gonna be her. Yeah, but I needed a dad.

Okay? I could've used you.

I needed you.

I needed you, Roger.

One step at a time.

It's fine. I got it. Yeah.

I needed you.

(GROANS) Oh, no. Breathe. Breathe.

No! No, no, no. No, Milo, no!

No, Milo. Control it. Control it.

Hold it back.

Breathe. No!

(SHOUTS)

(SHOUTS) Dad!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, no.

Please, no.

ROGER: Please, please.

Jesus.

Oh, shit.

No!

Ralph! Ralph! No. No, Ralph.

Ralph? Ralph?

Milo, Milo, Milo, no!

No! (GLASS BREAKING)

HIGHSMITH: Duncan!

Duncan, tell him to stop! (SHOUTING)

He's, he's... (BITING)

(MILO SCREAMS)

(BOTH SCREECHING)

(GROWLING NOISES)

Hey-hey-hey!

Ow! (ROGER SHOUTING)

(FEET SKITTERING)

Duncan: Milo! Milo, stop it! (SCREAMING)

Dad!

Oh, sun, I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

Milo, stop it! I made a mistake.

No, Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad, it's okay.

I should've been there to help you, and I wasn't there.

No, no, no, no.

I know you think your life's falling apart, but it isn't.

No, no, Dad. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Milo! (GROWLING)

Sarah. Sarah's pregnant. That's good.

Sarah's pregnant? Yeah.

(SHRIEKING)

I understand all of this.

I do. Dad?

(GURGLING)

Dad. (MILO GROWLING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

Oh, shit.

Sarah.

He's going after Sarah. I'll take care of him. Go!

Go to her. Go to her, go.

Go to Sarah. I'll take care of him.

Just go.

(SHOUTS) Go! Go!

Milo!

Oh. Milo, you little fucker.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

BOBBY: Be a doctor, but I always liked cell phones, you know?

He didn't invest, and now I'm making more than him.

Mmm. Every year.

Just don't worry about Duncan and the baby.

He'll get used to the idea. He's gonna come around.

He's an only child. He's not used to other kids around.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Hi, it's Sarah. Leave me a message, - and I'll call you back. Shit!

(MILO PANTING)

(PHONE BEEPS, RINGS)

Ma, pick up the phone.

Everybody's changing and adjusting, and it's gonna take a little while.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

That's all. Oh, speaking of the devil.

It's Duncan's phone.

Hi, sweetie.

(GROANS)

Hello? Hello?

Help!

Fuck!

Probably a butt call.

What... Did he say anything? No.

Butt call.

You're in the middle of the road, jackass!

(MILO MUTTERING)

Sarah? Sarah!

Oh, my God, Duncan. What happened to you?

Good. You're okay.

Oh! Go down to the basement.

Right now. What?

No, you can't just come in here and order me around after what you did.

Honey, you're bleeding. What happened?

Please, just do what I said.

Just go down to the basement and lock the door.

Just lock the door. It's cluttered down there.

I wouldn't go there.

(MILO PANTING)

What is it? Shit!

Oh, my God! What is that? Go now! Do it!

(SCREAMS) Do it, go!

Go! Go!

Bobby!

Quick, everybody! Get away from the house.

Another raccoon attack?

No, honey. This isn't a raccoon.

Sarah?

I love you. I love you, too.

Hurry!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, my God.

What is it? What is it?

Oh.

Oh. (BANGING UPSTAIRS)

Fuck! (MILO CHITTERING)

Goddamn it! Fuck!

Milo! Stop it!

(MILO SCREAMING)

Did you leave the TV on?

No. It's not the TV.

Should we be worried? I'm worried.

Oh. Oh, quick, grab a tiki torch!

Okay, okay. Tiki, tiki.

(SCREAMING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

Come on out here! Just come out, you chicken!

I don't think it's a chicken.

No! (GLASS SHATTERING)

Milo! Milo! Stop!

She's gene. She's not here.

She's not here. You're not gonna find her.

(MUTTERING) Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

A lot of people leave things behind.

(STAMMERS) when-when-when they leave in a hurry.

I do it all the time.

L-I leave my wallet home all the time, if I'm in a Rush.

Sarah: Duncan, is everything okay? - Huh? A-ha.

Uh...

(GROWLS)

Stop. Okay?

Because I will jab this in your fucking eye.

And I don't want to.

I'm not gonna let you hurt her. All right?

No, no, Milo.

It's not gonna happen. Do you understand?

Why don't you just... Why don't you just come back home.

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna hurt you.

Why don't we just go back...

Why don't we go back to the way things used to be?

Okay? What do you say, pal? Come on.

(SCREAMING) Milo?

(SCREAMS)

No! Milo!

(GURGLING) Shit!

(CLANKING)

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTING)

Sarah!

Oh, Duncan! Open the door!

Oh! Oh, my Gad!

Sarah! Open the door!

I can't!

Stay away from her, Milo!

Who's Milo?

Uh, it's-it's a thing that's living up my ass.

What? Never mind. It doesn't matter.

Duncan! I'm coming!

Sarah: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - I'm coming!

No! No!

Oh, my God!

Sarah: Duncan! Sarah, I'm coming!

I'm coming, Sarah! Duncan!

Duncan! Help!

Don't you hurt her!

Sarah, open the door! I can't.

(SCREAMING)

(DOOR BREAKING)

(PUNCHING NOISES)

Sarah!

I'm coming, Sarah!

I'm coming, baby!

Milo, get away from her! (AXE HACKING)

I'm coming!

Milo! Get away from her!

Sarah, wake up! Wake up!

Sarah, run! Sarah, run!

Sarah! Get behind me! Get behind me! Get behind me!

Oh, honey. Look at you. Are you okay?

I don't know. I think so.

Duncan is still down there. He's fighting it.

(SCREAMS)

Milo!

(ALL SHOUT)

Stay back! Stay back!

Oh, my God. What is that?

Kill it with fire. Put the fire in the face!

Put the fire in the face!

Milo! Duncan!

Get away from my wife!

(MILO SCREAMS)

Get away from my baby!

I'm not my... I'm not my father.

(SCREAMING)

MAN: I'm gonna be sick.

Honey, honey. Are you all right?

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. Are you okay?

I'm fine. Is the baby okay?

It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

(MILO MOANING)

It's okay. It's okay.

It's all right. You matter and I'm here with you.

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, wow. I fucked you up.

It's okay, you're gonna be all right.

I'm sorry.

(STAMMERS) Can I borrow that? Your scarf?

Thank you.

I'll just wrap you up. I'm gonna wrap you up, okay?

Is it better?

Da-da.

MAN: What the hell? That's his father?

It's okay.

Yeah. I know, you were just doing that for me. I know.

I'll get you inside, okay?

It's all right. It's gonna be okay now.

Hey, everybody. How's the... How's the party?

Honey, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about this.

L-I just figured it would end with your dad.

You knew?

Ish. I mean, I knew it happened to him, but I-l didn't know it happened to you.

It was hereditary or anything... - She knew.

I thought, you know, the stomach issues, I don't know, honey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Mom.

It's fine. We're gonna use your bathroom.

Okay.

Probably not gonna clean it up.

Okay.

Oh.

Okay. It's a very long story which I'm happy to tell you all about.

Um, but first, who would like a drink?

Good. Okay, be right back.

Do I really have to put it back inside you?

Yeah. He's...

He's part of me.

He's not gonna try and hurt you?

No.

He's all right now.

Okay.

(MUTTERING)

(SIGHS)

Okay.

How is this gonna work? I mean how-how is he gonna fit?

Oh, it'll... It'll work, trust me.

There you go.

(MILO MUTTERING)

Are you like turning him?

I... He's kind of turning on his own.

Okay, that's his thing. He's probably mad.

I just gotta get him that last half inch...

...in there. BOTH: One, two and three.

I'll loosen up. (GROANS)

Yep. That's it. He's up.

He's up there. Okay.

(SIGHS) Thanks.

Thank you. I love you.

I love you, too.

DUNCAN: You know what I'm gonna do?

I want to take a moment and talk about family.

Ooh!

You have a wife, you have a husband.

And you want the best for them.

You want to take a risk with that person.

You're in it together.

Whether you're buying a car or a house, or starting a family.

We need to bring honesty. We need to bring courage, to our business relationships, and to our... personal relationships.

And not one of us does it alone.

We draw upon our resources. Upon our friends.

Upon our colleagues.

We're a team.

Oh, my goodness!

I want to know what's going on with you.

What's going on inside of you. That's important to me.

Because we all have difficulties, trials.

Tribulations.

Even demons we struggle with on a daily basis.

Oh, honey. Honey.

No one should suffer alone.

Blessed by the monk.

We're here for each other. We're like family.

Here's one for you.

And that's what I want for this company.

That's how I want this company to be run.

Nobody knows what the future has in store.

But I do know this.

Whatever problems do come up, we'll get through it. Together.

(HUMMING AND MUTTERING)


Ask me about my stomach in baby talk.

No. (DUNCAN LAUGHS)

- Okay, I'm sorry. DIRECTOR: Action.

Dunkie, having some belly troubles? (LAUGHS)

Okay. We got it. Good, good.

Dunkie. Having some belly troubles?

Are you talking baby talk to me?

These are standard family dynamics.

What is? - These are standard family dynamics.

What is? - The patriarch reserves the right to use baby talk. I can't imagine that's true.

Mom, is it fair to say that, uh...

We can just make a rule, a house rule, no baby talk at the table? Patriarch has veto power.

Patriarch has veto power. - MOM: Let's just give him that, okay.

Let-let's... I don't want to...

Married troubles. I just wanted one more.

You did another one. Just one more.

Is it top or the bottom, or they happen at the same time?

Is it the barf and squat? Oh, uh, yeah.

Sometimes it's double barrel.

Good news. Uh, a silver lining, on this crap cloud, is that this is largely, uh, preventable.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Accept it. Take it to your heart.

Try to find a name for it.

You want me to name it? (CHUCKLES)

I've got a few names I could suggest if you wouldn't mind.

First of all, on a... No. No.

(STAMMERS) No.

No, never mind.

What was the name that you were gonna suggest?

It started with an "L"? Alamosh Landau.

One of the greatest philosophers. I admire him.

And that's what you wanted me to name it?

Well, let's go to

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Bartholomeum.

(LAUGHING) I'm sorry.

(ACCENT) You stay away from Thailand.

You don't go Thailand.

You stay way. Too spicy mint leaf. No good for you.

(ACCENT) Hey. Don't go down.

Don't go down to Guadalajara, fucker.

Too spicy for you there. Fucking right?

Stay with Russian, Polish, cabbages, potatoes.

(SNORES)

But it's not going to make your beast, your belly beast, any bigger. It's gonna keep it trimmed down to size.

And no booze. (LAUGHING) No booze.

He's right. You know, I mean, we don't have that problem.

No. We have the opposite problem.

We have to really take it slow. We have the Just The Tip Tuesdays.

Slowly Work It In Wednesdays. (GROANS)

Full Thrust Thursdays. I-I... of course, that was in the beginning, now every day.

Saturday, Monday.

Not Sunday. That's the Lord's day.

I'm joking. Full Thrust Sundays.

And now it's not a problem, I mean...

...now you can hang up posters in there.

Listen to me. Tuna, chicken, or meat.

Organic. I just want to get it right.

The green sign. Listen.

For me, I just don't want him coming out again.

So I want to get it right.

Yeah. You can put a cork there. A big one.

It's gonna have to be a pretty big cork.

Yeah. Okay, session's over. Got a new patient coming in.

Ah, great.

How you gonna explain all of this?

Oh, uh, they've seen it all.

Really not my problem, I guess.