Bad Moms (2016) Script

I'm Amy Mitchell, and I'm a mom.

I had my first kid when I was 20 years old, and I've been running late ever since.

My days are filled with dropping the kids at school...

Love you.

...then racing to work where I have meeting, after meeting, after meeting.

I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk, and I try to work out once a week.

Why do I suck at Zumba?

Most days, I race back to school for the kids' plays, and poetry readings and class projects...

Mom!

...which I'm always late for. Sorry.

And then there's PTA meetings, and volunteering and parent-teacher conferences.

Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin' hates me.

At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world, and I cry in my car.

Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons and soccer games and dance classes and doctors' appointments, before my daily trip to the grocery store.

Ugh.

This chick seems like she's got it all figured out.

But I feel like I'm screwing up all the time.

Still, I love being a mom.

Here, baby. There's your organic turkey club sandwich, and Dylan, here's your peanut-free peanut butter for lunch.

What's peanut-free peanut butter?

I have no idea.

Baby, here's your American history project I made you.

I hope you like it.

I love you. I love you!

Oh, my God, Mom! Not so loud! My God.

I love my babies so much!

God, they hate me.

Hey, Amy!

Hey, guys.

God, I just don't know how you do it.

You just leave your kids all day and go to work?

You're so strong.

Yeah, thank you.

Don't you miss them?

I do. But I also need, like, money.

Right. Hmm.

Oh, gosh, you guys, I'm so sorry. I gotta go.

I'm really late to work.

Well, you're always late.

I know. It's basically the only thing I'm good at these days.

See you guys later.

God, I just love how hard she works.

Oh, my God, I love how hard she works.

I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.

I work at a super-hip coffee company.

I love my job, but I'm 32 years old and I'm the oldest person here by far.

Most of these dudes just play ping-pong all day.

Morning, Momma.

Morning, Tessa.

Oh, my God, I am so fucking hungover, I might actually die.

That's probably something you shouldn't tell your boss.

Oh.

Right. Except that I took like a shitload of pills this morning, so I don't totally know where I am yet.

You're at work, Tess.

Oh, perfect. Yeah.

May I have a vacation? I'd like to go to Cuba.

Is that allowed? No.

Good morning.

Hey, boss!

Good morning, Dale.

I had a dream last night.

Ooh. I was naked in a hotel.

I'm talking fully naked, dick, balls...

Yep, got it.

No glasses. Everything, fully fucking naked.

We got it.

I walk over to the coffee maker and there is a bag of our coffee in the hotel room.

Cool dream, Dale.

Thank you, Tessa.

Um...

Is this your way of saying that you wanna start selling your coffee to hotels, now?

No. This is my way of saying that I want you to start selling our coffee to hotels now.

But Dale, I'm already running sales for supermarkets, airlines and restaurants.

I mean, I'm just part-time.

You are? Since when?

Six years ago!

What? No way.

She's here like every day.

Oh, I know, but I have a family and stuff, so...

Hey! You know how important family is to me.

I got it wrote on my arm right there.

Oh, wow.

It's dope, right? So tight.

Oh, shit! I gotta go roller skating. Do you wanna come?

Yes! No, Dale!

I have lots of work to do.

The History Channel was right.

You guys are the greatest generation.

I live just outside of Chicago with my two kids, my dog and my husband, Mike.

He's a successful mortgage broker, but sometimes he feels like my third child.

Hey, babe. Hey... Oh!

Look at all the bags you're carrying. That's hilarious.

You look like a Sherpa.

Oh!

You guys. Thank you for being super patient.

I appreciate it.

Here we go, guys.

Thanks, honey.

All right, love. How was work?

Oh, I had two conference calls and then I took a nap.

It was exhausting.

I bet. I bet. Uh...

Dylan, baby, how was your science quiz?

Oh, I got a D.

A D? But we worked so hard.

Baby, what happened?

Do you need extra help? Should we get you another tutor?

Mmm, nah, I'm good.

Mike?

Did you hear? Dylan got a D on his science quiz.

Way to go, bud.

What? Okay.

Um...

Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait! How was your soccer tryouts?

Coach is posting a list of who made the team tonight at 9:00, and I'm so nervous.

Baby, it's okay, relax. You will make the soccer team, I promise.

Just don't freak out.

I'm freakin' out. I am, too.

What time is it now? 8:59.

Come on!

Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00. Go, go, go! Hit refresh.

Oh, my God. I made the team. I made the team!

Oh, my God. I am so relieved.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

Baby, I'm so proud of you!

Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, my God.

This is gonna look so awesome on my college applications.

Baby, it's great, it's great, but just remember you're only 12, so it's...

Wait.

What if I don't play?

What if I'm a loser benchwarmer scrub?

You're great, you're gonna be fine, you're...

No! It's not fine, Mom.

Do you understand how hard it is to get into an Ivy League school now?

I mean, they turn away Asians.

That's a little racist, but...

Oh, my God! I need to practice my footwork.

Why'd you let me eat dessert?

Oh, I know, because you hate me!

Holy shit.

Hey, babe. It's late. I'm going to bed.

No.

Oh, my God, are you...

No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.

You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.

Why won't this fucking window close?

Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!

Uh, who the hell are you?

I'm his wife.

Oh, shit.

Are you masturbating online with some chick?

No, no!

Well, then, what are you doing?

Uh, um... I was clicking and then I...

So then I was...

Yes, okay, I was masturbating online with some chick.

What the fuck! Why are you doing that?

Hold on a second. I don't think I've done anything wrong.

This is totally mainstream now.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

I don't know, I don't know, Mike.

This really feels like cheating.

No, no, no, no, no, this is definitely not cheating, honey.

I've never even touched her.

Her giant bush is 2,000 miles away.

But how long have you been doing this?

Oh, I don't know. Not long.

Ten months next Friday.

What the fuck?

Ten months?

Do you have feelings for her?

You don't masturbate online with someone for 10 months without developing some feelings.

I mean, I'm not a monster.

Do you have feelings for her, Mike?

Yes! Okay? I have feelings for her! God!

She's actually a pretty amazing woman.

You know, she runs her own dairy farm, she's developing an app.

Get out! What?

Get the fuck out of my house.

So uncool.

You know, Amy, I just feel like Mike is feeling really trapped right now...

Okay, so your dad had to go outta town on a business trip, so I'm gonna try to do everything myself today, which should be fine, as long as everybody does what they are supposed to do.

Right?

Oh, no.

Why is Roscoe walking like that?

He's fine. He's totally fine.

Oh, no, buddy!

Lookin' good, Jeff.

Oh.

Thanks. Yeah, you been workin' out?

No, not for like 10 years.

Your beige windbreaker is really lightin' up my board.

Oh, uh, thanks.

Do you know what I mean? My vagina.

Bye, Jeff!

Emergency PTA meeting tonight. Tell all your friends.

Oh, God.

There goes that little weird stay-at-home mom.

Emergency PTA meeting tonight. Tell all your friends.

Oh, I don't have any friends.

Oh. I'm pretty isolated at home.

I have four kids.

Okay, good. Please move along. Thank you.

Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

Thank you for inviting me.

Oh, my God. She just got all her sadness all over me.

Oh, shit!

Here comes the hot widower.

Hey, Jessie. Hey, guys.

Hi. Hi.

Cute backpack you got there.

Oh, yeah. Uh, I'm such an Elsa.

You're hilarious! You really are!

God, he's so fucking hot.

Here you go. I know.

I'm so glad his wife died.

You know what? I saw him install a car seat yesterday in two seconds.

I'm tellin' you, it was like boom, boom, click.

It was so hot. Oh, gosh.

You know what? I think I'd let him put it in my butt.

I mean, in theory, I'm not really into the butt thing, but I would let him go to town back there.

I'm with you. Emergency PTA meeting.

Okay, I got four minutes to get Roscoe to the vet, so I love you kids, get out, get out, get out, get out.

I love you so much. I'm so sorry.

Bye, Mom.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!

Fuck, it's so hot! Can you roll down...

Can you roll down the window? Okay. Okay, okay.

Hey. Hey, babe, listen. Hi.

There is a emergency PTA meeting today at 5:00 o'clock.

It should be about two to three hours.

Awesome. Awesome. Okay?

Your dog's wearing a helmet. Okay, I know.

Yes, it's... Thank you.

Okay.

Fuck!

Your dog has vertigo. That can't be a thing.

And you are gonna have to carry him until he gets home.

Are you shitting me right now?

I don't shit.

But he will, uncontrollably, for the next 36 hours.

I'm here. I'm here. Amy's here.

You missed the meeting, bro.

Oh, no.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.


I know, I know. I'm sorry, I'm late.

Get in, get in, get in.

I can't believe I'm gonna be late to my first soccer practice.

Baby, I'm doing the best that I can.

Yeah, that's what makes it even sadder.

Oh, God.

Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey. How was your day?

I swallowed a pen cap again.

Oh, God.

Ooh!

Crap.

Was that a hit-and-run?

Nope.

Nope. That was nothing.

Jane, go! Go, go, go, go!

Excuse me, Coach?

I'm so sorry that Jane is late. It is all my fault.

You look wrecked. You having a bad day?

Oh, God, it literally could not get any...

Ah!

Shit.

Hey...

Hi, guys! Guys, um...

For those of you who have been living under a rock...

I am Gwendolyn James.

I am the president of the PTA, but most importantly, I am the proud mommy to two beautiful daughters, Blaire and Gandhi.

Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting to address an issue that radically affects the safety of our children.

The bake sale.

Is this a joke?

Now, this is a list of the toxic ingredients that are absolutely banned from the bake sale.

No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.

Plus no soy, no sesame, and, of course, no nuts or eggs or milk or butter or salt or sugar or wheat.

Okay?

Sorry, what ingredients can we use?

Anyway, I will be putting together... Thank you.

...a special bake sale police force that will monitor the food. That will destroy any offensive treats and prosecute the wrongdoers.

Yes.

So who will be my first volunteer for the bake sale police force?

I think we're gonna have Amy Mitchell!

What?

That's what you get for being late, sweetie.

No.

What's that now?

I've had a really long day.

I have been bruised and burned, knocked unconscious.

I screwed up my daughter's first day at soccer and I hand-searched my son's poo for a pen cap and my poor dog has vertigo.

I mean, who knew that that was even a real thing, you guys?

God, I'm drowning at work and my boss is a fucking moron and...

Three hours ago I may or may not have committed a felony hit-and-run.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm done.

I quit.


Hey, what can I get ya? Oh, Scotch.

Oh, hey, I know you.

You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget/don't want to.

Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla. Carla Dunkler.

Jesus, you look like a bag of dicks.

Thanks. Hi.

I'm really sorry to interrupt, but, um, I just have to tell you, what you did back there was amazing.

Thank you.

It's Kiki, right?

Yes.

She knows my name.

I feel like Beyoncé Knowles.

Why don't you sit down and have a drink with us?

What do you mean "us"? Honey, I was just sitting here by myself.

I would love to, but I can't.

I have to go to the grocery store and then I have to go home and clean out my son's hamster cage, 'cause he gets so mad when I forget.

Have a drink, Kiki. Okay, yeah.

Okay. Yes, I'd like an apple juice.

Why don't you have this instead?

Excuse me?

Oh, do you know what my favorite mom fantasy is?

What? Uh-oh.

Having a quiet breakfast by myself.

Oh! That is so hot! Oh!

Sounds glorious. Oh.

Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash.

Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one.

But I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance.

My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing.

Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?

No. No.

You're bat-shit crazy. Yeah.

And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.

Is it fun being a single mom?

Yes!

I go to the casino. Yeah.

You know, I'm learning karate now.

Plus, I have, like, a stable of hot dudes to call right up whenever I want some D in my V.

I wanna be a single mom. No, it's fuckin' awesome.

Bottom line is, I have to live my life one quarter mile at a time.

Is that from... Yeah. The Fast and Furious.

I fucked Vin Diesel when he was in town doing Furious 6.

You fucked Vin Diesel? Yeah.

Vincent Diesel?

It might not have been actually Vin Diesel, but I definitely fucked a bald guy.

Salud. Salud.

Yep. To Vincent Diesel.

Oh, my God. Jesus.

Kiki, get your shit together. Oh, my God.

Do you know what I hate? Mmm?

There are so many fuckin' rules now.

Yes, God.

"Don't punish your kids." "Don't say no to your kids."

Yeah. "Go to your kid's baseball games."

"Tell your kids you love 'em."

"Don't fuck the janitor at your kid's school."

I mean, what the fuck is this? Russia?

We're killing ourselves, trying to be perfect, and it's making us insane.

In this day and age, it's impossible to be a good mom.

Screw it. Yeah.

Let's be bad moms.

Oh, I'm in. Right?

Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting. I'm in!

Yes! To bad moms. Whoo! To bad moms!

Aw.

I love you guys. Mmm.

Oh, dude. We love you, Kiki.

We just met, Kiki. Forever.

I love you forever. I'm not into this kind of...

Oh, gosh, honey, we gotta go get you home.

We gotta go. Yeah, let's go.

We gotta go. No, I can't. I have to go to the supermarket.

Let's go to the supermarket!


Oh, my God.

You're so cute. Adorable.

Oh, I wanna eat her face.

Hi, bunny.

All right, let's go!


Where is she?

Oh, it's so bright, you guys.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm awesome.

What did you do last night?

Nothin'.

But we may need to find a new supermarket.

Oh, my God. I made nachos last night!

Oh.

Amazing.

Mmm.

The cheese is so hard.

Um...

Aren't you gonna make us breakfast?

Oh.

No.

But what are we gonna eat?

You guys are really smart.

You can make your own breakfast.

I'm just gonna take these to go.

Peace!

All right, get in the car.

You know what? On second thought, let's take your daddy's special car today.

Won't Dad be mad? Yeah.

Probably.


Whoo!

That was so awesome!

All right.

What is she driving?

Have a great day at school!

Oh, wait, wait, wait! Your lunch!

Thanks, Mom. You're the best mom ever!

Aw, I love you, guys!

Is that Arby's?

I love their hot fish sandwich.

Hey, Amy. Hi.

Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today to discuss the upcoming election at 2:00.

Will we see you there?

No.

Oh.

That bitch is playing a dangerous game.

Amy plays football?

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you.

Amazing!

Oh, this is Amy.

Amy, where are you? The morning huddle started an hour ago.

Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that. It's a total waste of time.

Are you feeling okay, Amy?

Are you having a senior moment?

I've actually never felt better.

I'm having a quiet breakfast and reading the newspaper for the first time in 12 years.

You need to come into the office right now!

No, I don't. I don't, Dale. I only work for you three days a week.

If you want me to work more, then you should pay me to do that.

Okay, Amy, you're kind of making me look like a dick in front of everybody in the office right now.

Have a great meeting! Goodbye, Dale.

Hello? Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

Hi!

Um, I was actually calling to see, uh, if you'd like to join me at the movies today.

Are we allowed to do that?

Well, I don't see why not.

I can't. I mean, I have to iron Kent's underwear.

What? Why?

I don't know. He likes really stiff underwear.

Come on, Kiki, live a little.

Uh... Okay. Okay, okay. I'll do it.

Awesome. Okay, I'll call Carla.

Oh, fun! I like her.

I'm also very scared of her.

Okay.

Ow! Ow!

Yo! Hey, it's Amy.

Um, I'm calling to see if you'd like to join.

Kiki and I at the movies this afternoon.

I'm already here.

Hey, lady.

Get off your phone. Guess what?

She dies in the end.

Yeah, cancer gets her.

What?

Yeah, what do you bitches wanna see?

Love is stronger than space.

You guys, lady boners over here.

Cheers, ladies. Mmm.

Mmm.

This has been so much fun.

Thank you, girls, for coming out with me.

Are you kidding me?

This has literally been the best day of my entire life.

Oh, honey.

My ex is picking up the kid, so I can go all night if...

Oh. hey, did you hear that?

My ex has my kid.

Hey, hon, I've got a question for you.

Is it hard to share your son with your ex-husband?

Fuck no. No?

Have you seen my kid? He's like nine feet tall and all he cares about is baseball.

Do you go to all of his games?

No. No, I don't.

The last game I went to was six hours long and the final score was one to two.

So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan than another kids' baseball game.

Cheers.

How do you think that your divorce affected your kid?

How are things in your home, Amy?

Oh, it's fine. Everything's fine.

Ugh.

I caught Mike having an affair online with a woman, and I guess it's been going on for like 10 months.

Oh! Did you drive a spike through his nuts?

No. Here's the truth.

Our marriage has been over for years.

I don't even remember the last time we had sex.

Kent and I have sex every Friday night after Blue Bloods.

I find Tom Selleck's work to be extremely erotic.

I feel like everything that comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.

Kiki, you're so weird.

No, wait, why did you marry this shithead in the first place?

He sounds like an asshole.

Because we were young and in love.

I mean, he wasn't always an asshole. I promise you.

It's true. Listen, I got pregnant, we got married.

I was only 20.

You know what? Mike and I never got our twenties.

Like, you know, the fun twenties, and...

I feel like maybe he missed that.

Oh, my God.

Maybe I did, too.

When I was in my twenties, I would just walk down the street and it would just be raining dicks wherever I went.

It was just dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

It was, like, forecast, lot of cock!

Kiki?

Hi. Kent, hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm just having lunch with my new friends.

Who's watching the kids? Rosie.

Isn't that your job?

Whoa! Who the fuck are you?

Yes. Yes, Kent.

It absolutely is my job, and I was just about to leave, so, um, thank you guys so much.

I can't, uh, do the math right now.

Just take that and have a wonderful day, you guys.

I really enjoyed it. Thank you.

Oh, my...

Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!

That's really disturbing.

Yes!

But on the plus side, she left way too much cash, so I think I'm gonna get fucked up!


Yeah, donut holes!

I love these things. How much are they?

Um...

Five cents.

How about a dollar?

What?

Hey now, big spender.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Why are these so good? Caramel number six.

Is that what it is? Mmm-hmm.

They're tasty.

She's adorable. Thank you.

Mmm-hmm.

Good to see you.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my. What do we have here?

Are these store-bought donut holes, Amy?

What? No.

Gosh, no, I made them by hand and then I put them in the weird plastic container.

Oh, thank God. 'Cause we do not allow store-bought holes.

Seriously, Vicky? Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.

Who cares what food people bring as long as it raises money, right?

Oh, did she just... Oh. She did.

Hit her with it, G.

Well, you see, I care, sweetie.

I don't... I don't know what's been going on with you, I mean, with your weird outbursts and your terrible style, but it ends now.

Okay? I run this school, and no one takes a class or kicks a ball or plays a fuckin' clarinet without my say-so.

And I can make life a living hell for you and your dirty little children.

Do you understand me?

Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think you should just relax a little bit, I mean, have a donut hole. They're delicious.

They're from a gas station. They're... Mmm.

You have crossed the line, little girl.

And I am going to destroy you.

Winter is coming.

Gwendolyn.

Oh, my God. You are so fucked.

What...

Bye. Bye.

Out of my way!

I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

You psyched for Mandarin class?

No! No.

Mandarin class is so stressful.

Everyone just barfs the whole time.

Did you say "barfs"? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Wha...

Why are we doing this?

What are you doing? Mandarin class is back that way!

I know.

But we're gonna play hooky today.

We cannot afford this place.

Don't worry. I've got a plan.

Shh. Get in here, you idiots. We totally snuck in.

I know! Shh. I can't believe you have a real job.

You're a lucky girl, Becky. I would never do this for my kid.

Yeah. My mom's pretty cool.

Also, my name's Jane.

Okay.

All right. Showers on the left. Have fun, guys.

Bye, Becky! Shh. Okay, thanks, Carla.

This place is fancy. Gosh.

Oh, look. Free soap.

No, honey, don't take that.

Oh, no, that's some good soap. Take it, take it.

This is what the tub looks like after your brother takes a bath.

You look like Kung Fu Panda.

This is amazing.

Mmm-hmm.

We should get matching tattoos after this.

I'm really glad we did this, Mom.

I haven't felt this relaxed in, like, ever.

God, you needed a break from school and soccer and...

This whole Dad thing.

What whole Dad thing?

Nothing. Nothing!

Does Dad have a brain tumor?

What? No! No, no, no, no.

God, no. Um...

Your dad and I are going through a rough patch right now.

Are you guys gonna get divorced?

What? No, no, no.

No. We're not getting divorced right away.

I just want you to know that no matter what happens, it's not your fault.

Why would it be my fault?

Why would you even say that?

I don't know!

Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry! I suck at this!

I just don't wanna be weird, okay?

Baby, please don't cry. Please... No, no, no, no, no.

Honey, I need you to look at me, just look at me, okay?

Baby, baby...

I need you to know that your dad loves you.

That I love you.

And I promise you, you will be fine.

How do you know?

Because I'm your mom, and I know you better than anyone, and I know what you're made of.

Oh, honey.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Coach?

Coach!

Fuck!

Hi, Gwendolyn. Hi, how are you?

Listen, um, I wanna talk to you about the starting lineup of next week's game. Mmm-hmm.

In particular, Amy Mitchell's daughter, Jane.

You know I can't discuss specific players with you.

And you know that I chair the hiring and firing committee, right?

So let's stop dicking around and let's get to the fucking point.

Please don't get me fired, Gwendolyn.

My cat just died. Oh.

And I'm really very fragile right now.

Bench the little dork.

Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.

I need this. This is my time. Do you know what I mean?

Go for Carla. Hey, it's Amy, I just found out Mike is staying with his Internet girlfriend.

Oh, fuck him! We need to get you laid.

I wanna get laid.

I'm on my way.

I'm so excited.

Honey, I don't know, what are you gonna wear?

It's like a nun's closet.

No, no, wait. I got it, I got it.

Let's see this!

It's my favorite.

I love it.

No! No! Are you trying to get laid or adopted?

Oh. Fair point.

Ooh.

Okay.

That's what a lonely person gets buried in.

Fuck, you guys, I literally have nothing, then.

I have mom clothes, I have work clothes.

Okay, you know, let me get in there one more time.

I'm gonna find it. Move. Move. Move, move, get me in here.

I have jackets, I have lots of 'em. We'll find it.

We'll find something, honey. Don't get discouraged.

Okay. Okay. You can do this.

I mean, Jesus Christ!

This is something that Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.

I love that movie.

Me too. Okay.

It's such a good film.

Wait a minute, I see a spaghetti strap.

No, hold on. This was, like, my slutty Halloween costume from college.

I like the word "slutty." Put it on.

Just try it. Try it.

You guys are ridiculous. I'm telling you...

Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra! Ooh.

There's so much surface area.

You can make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.

This isn't my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.

Shut up!

Don't laugh. Wait, are you serious?

Yes!

Oh, honey. Amy.

Oh! That looks like you just got out of surgery.

Is it that bad?

Yeah, there's just one boob-log. Yeah.

You don't even have two tits.

I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?

No! No!

Oh, wow. This bra will be the death of your vagina.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

You guys, I've only handled one penis my entire life.

Oh, honey!

What do I do if I get a guy with a weird dick?

Kent is a never-hard.

Ooh. What's a never-hard?

Oh, he never gets fully hard.

So I just have to kind of fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.

That sounds horrible! Yeah.

Sometimes I take the balls and shove 'em up there, too, because at least, you know, they're firm.

Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.

I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.

What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?

Run out of the room screaming.

It's like finding a gun in the street.

Just scream and get outta there!

No way, you guys. Uncut guys are great.

Really?

Oh, they're always so nice to you, because they know their dicks are gross.

How do I handle it?

What, do I just touch it? Oh, I'll show you. Here.

Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec? Uh-uh. What?

Just imagine for a second that this is the hood of the uncut cock and then this is the penis face. Okay? Mmm-hmm.

So, what you would do is very gently, you would just kind of try to peel it back over like that to expose the head of the cock.

Okay. And then you would just gently, you wanna, I'm sorry, honey, you just wanna kind of, like it gets a little tight, and you gotta kind of work it, you know, you gotta work it off.

And then you just go to town like it's a, you know...

You know, you jerk it off till you wanna sit on it.

Okay? What do I do with this?

What? Like, do I put it in a hair clip or do I just...

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, this, this you can flick it, suck it, you know, rub your face on it.

I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna rub my face on it.

Okay, well, take care of this, though. Okay.

'Cause this is like a big, giant man clit.

This, right here.

If you work this, it's gonna be like...

Does that make sense, honey? Yeah, it's great.

Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Thank you, honey.

I'm not gonna wear this sweatshirt ever again.


Okay, okay, all right. Let's get right down to it.

What kind of guy are you into, honey?

You know what? I've never been with a Latin man.

If I were you, I would start with maybe like just kind of fat and Jewish, and then work yourself into the Latin guy.

Excuse me. Okay.

Hi, there. Hi!

Is this seat taken?

Um, yes.

I mean, yes, no, like yes, sit, please. Yeah.

What do I do? Ask him about his hobbies.

Hi. Hi.

Um, I'm Amy. Braden.

Braden, nice to meet you, Braden.

Nice to meet you. I like your wedding ring.

Shit!

Um...

Okay, you see, this is a funny story.

I was, um... I was grocery shopping and I found it on the floor, and I picked it up and...

And then I put it on.

I'm gonna sit somewhere else. Okay.

Ooh, maybe next time, try it without your wedding ring.

Oh, that's a great idea! Yeah?

Yes. Hey, ladies.

Hi! Where are you comin' in from?

Uh, we live in Westbury with our kids.

Great. Oh.

Oh, forget it. I'm really nervous, you guys.

You're doing great. I know, I know. There is...

You're doing great.

Look it, there is so much cock in here...

Yeah... that if you literally...

Just try to act half-normal and you are gonna get laid.

Just don't be such a mom. Okay.

You should eat more soup.

Oh, I loved breastfeeding until my nipples started cracking.

This should prevent the stain from setting, okay?

Tupperware! Pinterest!

Explosive diarrhea!

Does your mom know you're here?

See, it wasn't just about a dolphin getting a new tail.

It was about a family coming together.

What did I say?

Hey! Where are you going?

Oh, my God, you guys.

How'd it go? Oh, horrible.

What's the matter, hon? What happened?

I suck at this. I just wanna go home.

Oh!

I really do. Amy!

Mmm.

Jessie! What are you guys doing here?

We're just, you know, having a little girls' night.

Cool, so the husband's at home with the kids? That's nice.

Oh, mmm...

My husband's not really in the picture anymore.

Yeah, yeah, she caught him jerking off with a dairy farmer.

He's a sex criminal.

I don't know where to start. Are you okay?

I'm actually really, really good. Yeah.

I'm glad I ran into you. This is really nice.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

Okay, creepy. Let's go.

Let's go, creepy. Yeah.

Okay.

Have fun.

You are so hard.

Really, he's got a hard body.

Thank you. I think.

I cannot believe Amy is talking to Jessie Harkness.

I have dreams about him braiding my hair.

Okay, can you not stand so close to me?

Because I'm still trying to get laid.

Yeah, sure. No problem. Okay.

And don't dance walk.

You work at the, uh, coffee company, right?

What? Yeah. Wait, how did you know?

I might have asked around about you a little bit.

Wait. You asked about me? Yeah.

Yeah, I...

Okay, I've kind of always had a thing for you and...

What? I thought you knew that.

No! I had no idea. No? You had no idea?

Oh, come on. You're like my favorite mom at the school.

I mean, I honestly don't know how you do it.

You take your kids to all those activities, and you do all those insane projects.

I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way. That was incredible.

Well, you know what? I do have a little thing for papier-mâché.

It was really good. Thank you.

Oh, and are you kidding me with those lunches?

You know, my daughter's always saying, "Why can't you make lunch like Dylan's mom?"

Oh, my God, I love your daughter.

You're making me look bad. Oh, my God.

Oh, this makes me so happy.

You know what's just really amazing, though, is the fact that your kids are actually nice people.

Meh, eh... No, no, I'm serious!

Anyone could force their kids to play cello or speak Chinese or, you know, go to a fancy college, or something like that, but what's really hard is raising kids who are actually decent and kind and somehow you've done that.

And you should be really proud.

You're a fuckin' great mom.

Oh, oh...

Oh, my... I'm so sorry.

It's fine. Don't worry about it. And I'm so embarrassed.

You kind of nailed my face, but we should probably do it again.

Are you sure? Just no sudden movements.

Just nice and slow.

Carla. Carla! What, hon?

Carla, look, look, look, look!

No, Kiki.

No, Kiki! Kiki, no, no.


Mike! Hey, babe!

What are you doing? I wanna get back together.

I never should've left you. That was a total dick move.

And I feel like we should just put that in the past and not talk about it.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Look, I...

I just needed a break.

Haven't you ever needed a break?

Of course I have, Mike.

But I didn't break up our family to do it.

I miss the kids.

So much.

Mostly Dylan, but even Jane a little bit, too.

And the dog, God, I miss Roscoe so much.

How is he doing? He's fine.

Thank God. The bottom line is, I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together.

Really?

You'll finally go to therapy with me?

I knew you were gonna say that! Therapy is so dumb!

Great. Get out! Have fun. Bye-bye, now.

Hey! I'm trying to do the right thing!

Bye-bye, Mike. Honestly!

All right, you know what?

Even though it's a total waste of time and money, I will go to therapy.

But when I say go, I mean, like actually go, like participate, cry.

I haven't cried since the Cubbies lost it all in '03.

How do you expect me... Mike, you know what?

Have fun with your little weirdo girlfriend on the Internet.

But wait, are we gonna go to therapy or what?

I'll think about it.

Hey.

Honey? Honey, are you okay?

Coach says I'm not starting. I'm a benchwarmer.

Wait, what? No, that's impossible.

You're the best forward on that team.

Oh, my God, my life is ruined. I'm never going to college.

I might as well just become a teacher.

Baby, baby, look at me for one second.

You'll be okay. I promise you I'm gonna handle this.

Okay? Okay.

Okay.

Just please don't make a scene.

Honey, I would never embarrass you.

Gwendolyn made me do it!

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

What is it with you moms?

I am a middle school soccer coach.

All I wanna do is make enough money to feed my cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.

Grow some balls! Jesus!

Hey!

How dare you bench my daughter?

Oh, hi, Amy.

You have no right to do that.

Oh, actually, I do, uh, because soccer is a PTA-sponsored activity and I am the president of the PTA. So...

Oh... Okay.

Uh...

Well, um...

Not for long.

Oh, dear. What does that mean?

That means I'm gonna run against you for PTA president.

Oh.

Amy's husband just recently left her, so she's kind of having a mental breakdown right now.

Oh, that's so sad.

Ooh.

You're goin' down.

No, honey, the only thing going down is your husband on another woman.

Well, damn.

This is a terrible idea, Amy.

There's no way you can beat her.

Gwendolyn has been president of the PTA for the last six years.

Kiki, she messed with my kid. I can't let that stand. Come on!

Right, but all the different mom groups are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.

She's got the attachment moms, she's got the tiger moms, the sad moms.

She has the blogging moms.

She's got the CrossFit moms.

Camel toe moms.

She's got the drunk moms.

The moms that you wanna fuck.

The moms that used to be dads.

She has the moms that always have a limb broken.

The hairy moms. The wearable art moms.

The juicing moms. Mmm-hmm.

She has the moms with the huge areolas.

The black moms, the lesbian moms, the divorced moms.

She even has the divorced black lesbian moms.

That is a really hard group to get.

I love those girls.

Plus, Amy, if you lose, she'll destroy you.

She'll put your kids in all the dumb classes with all the dum-dums.

She'll give 'em the crappy teachers.

You can forget about soccer, she won't even give your kids milk.

But that's all the more reason we have to bring her down.

I mean, you guys, she's a bully!

Okay, she wants us all to be these perfect little Nazi-moms and our kids to be hyper-stressed and over-scheduled.

My daughter gets a new rash every week, and she's 12.

You had me at Nazi.

I say we go punch that chick right in the tits.

Yes!

Would you like a new PTA president? Me too!

Hi. Meet the Candidate Night tomorrow night, 7:30.

Here, honey. Take one. Vote for Amy. Really?

Amy Mitchell. PTA president.

Come tomorrow, 7:30, Meet the Candidate Night.

PTA president.

No! No, thank you! Take it!

Okay! Great!

I'll fuck your husband if you don't go. I'll fuck him!

Vote for Amy!

Carla, get her!

Hey! Hey!

Don't you fuckin' run from me! Don't you fuckin'...

Ah!

It's so cute.

So, how many people do you think are coming to the Meet the Candidate Night?

Well, I told all the moms that I would bang their husbands if they didn't show up, so...

Carla. A lot. My answer is a lot.

Thank you, Kiki.

Oh, Jesus, you guys, look at the kids.

My daughter won't stop studying.

Oh, feel lucky.

All my kid wants to do with books is rip 'em in half.

I just wish I knew how I was doing, you know?

Yeah, that's the worst part about being a mom, though, is you don't know whether or not you're doing a good job until they're fully grown.

And by that point, it's too late.

Your kid is either a nice guy or he's giving hand jobs in an alley for rent.

I don't think those are the only two options.

Yesterday, I gave Bernard the wrong juice box and he called me a dumb bitch.

Oh, my God. Okay.

My kid still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it.

My daughter's scared of balloons.

My kid eats butter like an entrée.

You gonna eat your butter?

My daughter stole money from a homeless woman.

My son failed study hall.

Claire killed our neighbor's ferret.

I mean, we all pretended like it was an accident, but it wasn't.

She's a killer.

Ugh.

I know we make fun of them, but fuck, I love them so much.

Me too.

I would literally die for them right now.

Oh, you're making me cry.

I'm already there. I mean, oh, my God, you guys, children are such a gift.

Every time I think about that big, dumb motherfucker going off to college, I wanna cry like a baby.

This sucks.

I can't believe you're making me cook my own breakfast every single day.

You're doing awesome, buddy. You really are.

Hey, so where's my science project?

Oh, I didn't do it.

What? But it's due today.

Yeah. Yeah. That's so unfair!

I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

But you're gonna actually have to start doing your own homework from now on.

I am a slow learner, remember?

You're not a slow learner. You're just entitled.

Honey, do you know what "entitled" means?

No. Because I'm a slow learner.

It means that Mommy and Daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think the world owes you something, but it doesn't.

And if you don't learn how to work hard now, then you're just gonna grow up to be like another entitled white dude who thinks he's awesome for no reason.

And then you'll start a ska band, and it'll be awful, and you'll be mean to girls, and you'll grow this ironic mustache to look interesting, but you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that.

So will you please, please, just do your own homework?

Fine. Jesus!

Great.

I love you.

So where are your kids tonight?

Oh, they're staying at a friend's house.

I gave my kid $10 and a cell phone and I dropped him off at Arby's.

He'll be fine for hours.

Somebody's here.

Amy for president! Yes!

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for coming.

I didn't want her to bang my husband.

No, she was just kidding.

Oh.

I wasn't kidding.

Ugh.

Come in, come in. I'm sorry, nobody's here yet.

Yeah, well, I figured, what with Gwendolyn's party and everything.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Oh, nuts.

You didn't know.

Gwendolyn decided to throw a competing party at her house.

And she has Martha Stewart.

How would you like to try these special meatballs?

Now, I don't have anything nice to say to anyone, but I have to tell you, I just love you.

I've always wanted to be you, actually.

Yes. Oh.

Martha, sweetheart. Hi, hi.

Everything looks so beautiful.

Well, thank you so much, and how's Blaire and Gandhi?

It's been nice talking to you, Martha, but I have things to do.

Stop talking to her. Okay.

Um, ladies? Hi, can I get your attention, please?

Eyes here so I know you're hearing me. Shh.

Listen, the program is gonna begin in about five minutes, so take your assigned seats, okay?

Right now. Do it right now.

I can't believe Gwendolyn would do this.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

You guys, what are we gonna do with all this shitty wine?

For the next two hours, I'm gonna talk to you guys about the advantages of year-round school.

We need to change our children's future by making them go to school 365 days a year.

Three, two, one, go!

Catfish!

Did she say it?

Drink again! Drink again, drink again!

Why am I the one that's always drinking?

Because you said the clue word.

That's when you say it.

I don't understand this game.

It's not a reading game!

Okay, go.

Amy. What?

Emu! No, Amy!

It said fuckin' "emu"!

You're not good at this.

Drink! Drink again!

I'm gonna take you back a little bit.

Genghis Khan.

Do you think he had year-round schooling?

I think not.

Skip forward a little bit.

Osama bin Laden.

He didn't have year-round school.

There's nothing more dangerous than summer vacation.

Okay, ladies? Yeah, let's go.

Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you. Come in, come in, come in.

Wow, there's a lot of you.

Ooh.

Are you sure you can't stay a little bit longer?

I've only got my sitter until 9:00. Oh.

So I have to skedaddle right now.

Okay. No, I understand. I'm a mom.

I had such a great night. Bye!

We'll see you over there.

Well, that ended a lot earlier than I anticipated.

Yeah.

You don't think they're all going over to Amy's party, do you?

Vicky, we had Martha fuckin' Stewart here tonight.

Who does Amy have, hmm?

I'll drive. She could have a point, yeah.

This party is raging.

What a turnout.

Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?

Is that... Is that...

Martha Stewart?

Thank you. Martha.

Oh, my God. Good, right?

I'm cumming.

Oh, my God. What's in this?

Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin...

Mmm. ...and a shitload of vodka.

They're delicious.

I start my day with six of these.

Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink!


Whoo!


Whoo!


Holy shit.

Is that Jennifer Noonan peeing behind that car?

Oh, my goodness.

This party looks awesome!

I need to go to this party.

What? Vicky! Whoo!

Please, shut up! Just shut up for one second.

I know it's a school night, so we're just gonna get right down to it.

I wanna introduce you to your next PTA president...

Amy Mitchell!

Yes!

First of all, I just wanna say this, that I think that we, as moms, do way too much stuff.

And if I'm elected, I promise you we are gonna do way less.

Whoo!

Right? Less PTA meetings, less luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales, just less bullshit!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I think that our kids need a break, too, you guys.

Come on, now, school starts way too fucking early, okay?

God, and they have way too much homework.

I mean, our kids don't even have time to be kids anymore, am I right?

And what is up with these five standardized tests a week?

We should not be teaching our kids how to be good test-takers.

We should be teaching them how to be good people!

What is a standardized test?

So, if you're a mom who's overworked, overstressed, or if you're just a mom who wants to do less...

Yes!

Then just vote for me.

Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

This basic bitch right here, she's gonna win the election.

No, she's not.

Because I'm going to hit her where it counts.

You're gonna punch her in the vagina?

I literally don't know why we hang out with you anymore.

Do you know the best thing about mom parties?

They end at exactly 11:00 o'clock.

I made out with so many women tonight.

I know. Guys...

I really like whippets.

Hello?

Wow. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, you kind of booty texted me.

Uh...

What? It was a great party, Am. So, uh...

Okay. You got all this, right?

Hi, Jessie. I really like your clothes.

That was odd.

I'm so sorry.

Um...

I actually think Carla may have booty texted you off my phone.

Oh, okay. Okay, that makes sense because what she wrote was fuckin' disturbing.

Sorry. It's okay.

Um, I don't know.

Should I leave?

No.

Uh...

I was really hoping you'd say that.

So what exactly did Carla text you?

Why don't I show you?

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, yes!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, that was...

Unbelievable. I can't...

What was that... Wow.

That thing you did at the end?

I don't know.

I kind of came up with it in the moment.

Was it okay?

Oh, my God, it was amazing! Yeah?

That was by far the best I've ever had. Oh, God.

Oh, I was so worried.

You know, it's been awhile since I've done this.

I think I got pregnant.

Oh, my God. Really. Hey.

Hi, yeah. Can I go down on you again?

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Cool. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Oh, my God.

Okay. All right.

Oh. Mmm.

Oh.

Oh, look at you go.

God, it's dark in here.

God. I still don't understand what we're doing.

Stop it. You guys never tell me what we're...

Vicky, why are you so fuckin' stupid?

I like to start by saying that every marriage is savable.

You just need two people who are willing to work at it.

Okay?

Mike, Amy, I want you to look at each other and say three things that you like about each other.

Mike?

Can I go second? Okay. Yeah, sure.

Uh, Amy?

Okay, uh, Mike, I like that you gave me my children.

Uh, I like that you pick them up from school sometimes.

It's actually really helpful.

And, uh, I like that you came to therapy today.

Okay, Mike. Your turn. Okay.

I like your spaghetti.

And you make pretty good calzone.

Was that three?

That was like one and then 1A.

You know what? Um... Let's try some role playing.

All right, Amy, I want you to pretend to be Mike, and Mike, I want you to pretend to be Amy.

Okay? And now I just want you to just tell me about your day.

Hi, I'm Amy.

All I did today was, like, rub lotion on my face and talk, talk, talk, talk.

Okay. Uh...

Amy, would you like to... Yes, I would!

Hey, I'm Mike.

Um...

My life is awesome because my wife takes care of everything in the world for me.

This is the problem! Here's the bottom line!

She's a perfectionist.

So what's the point of even trying, okay?

How is that a problem?

And she hasn't given me a blowie since my birthday five years ago!

Are you fucking kidding me? Which is so not cool!

Hold on one second!

You want a blowie?

Maybe if you cleaned the kitchen, made the kids dinner, cared for someone other than yourself, I would give you so many blowies your fuckin' dick would explode.

My dick would never explode 'cause it's indestructible.

Oh, my God, I can't deal with you! I can't fucking look at you.

I'm...

Mike, I...

I don't love you anymore.

I'm so sorry, but I just don't.

I'm so sick and tired of pretending like I do.

That is exactly how I feel.

Okay...

Remember when I said that all marriages are savable?

Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.

So what do you think we should do?

Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what to do, but as a human being with two fuckin' eyes in my head, yeah, I think you should get divorced as soon as possible.

This is some catastrophic shit.


I think it's for the best.

Yeah. Me too.

Can I give you a hug?

Mike. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Mmm.

You gotta watch out for you first.

Dale, why is there a security guard in my office?

Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry, but we're gonna have to positively transition you.

Are you firing me?

Yuck. Okay, that's not my word. I don't like that word.

But, yes, I'm firing you.

Why?

Well, you quit coming to the office.

Okay, maybe I've been slacking off a little bit, but...

Tessa took two weeks off when Jon Snow died on Game of Thrones, and he's not even a real person.

To be fair, we all took two weeks off when Jon Snow died.

You're the only person that didn't take two weeks off.

But as a token of appreciation for your six years with the company, I got you a very special gift.

You got me the four-ounce bag?

Couldn't even splurge for the eight?

What?

Ms. Mitchell, this is Principal Burr. We need you to come in.

Okay, okay. I'll be right there, and I'm very sorry, Principal, for how I answered the phone.

I'm sorry. You found what?

I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter's locker.

Now, it looks like Sour Diesel or a little Afghan Kush.

That's impossible. She's only 12.

It happens. Snoop been smokin' since he was five.

Those aren't mine.

I mean, Mom, I swear to God, they're not mine.

Baby, I believe you.

And why were you looking in my locker anyway?

We were tipped off by a concerned parent.

Wait a minute.

Was this concerned parent's name Gwendolyn James?

Hey, listen, I don't know nothin' about Gwendolyn James, all right?

That woman scares me.

What I do know is this school is a zero-tolerance school, so that means that your daughter's banned from all extra-curricular activities.

What does that mean?

That means you're off the soccer team.

What?

Oh, my God. Hey, my hands were tied.

Honey, baby, hold on.

That little girl rolls a real tight jay.

This is all your fault.

Why did you mess with Gwendolyn James?

Sweetie, I am so sorry.

Honey, please, I didn't mean for this.

Yes, you did mean to, Mom!

You were sick of being a mom, so you quit and you started partying with your weird, new friends, and blowing off work, and, oh, yeah, having sex with Lori Harkness' dad.

So gross!

Honey, I know that you're mad.

I get it. You are so selfish, Mom.

You are so selfish and it frigging sucks, okay?

Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me... Tell me, how can I make this better?

No. I wanna stay with Dad tonight.

Even he's a better parent than you.

Oh, my God.

Guys! Guys, guys. Did you hear?

Amy Mitchell's daughter got busted for drugs.

What? No way! Yeah.

Look, I am not blaming Amy Mitchell. I mean, my God, I would never...

Of course... ever judge another mother, but I think we really have to ask ourselves, do we want someone who is that reckless and irresponsible and mentally unhinged alcoholic to be president of the PTA?

I don't know.

You know what? I never even liked her. She looks foreign.

Oh, God. Foreigners.

Listen. I think now we just need to pray that Amy's little crackhead daughter gets the help she needs.

Mike, if Janey needs anything, and I mean anything, just please call me.

Babe, it's gonna be fine. I'm staying at the Waldorf.

They got an indoor-outdoor pool, room service, 18-hole golf course. It's killer.

You're staying at the Waldorf?

God, this is a divorce, not a luxury vacation, Mike.

It's a safe hotel.

Wait, bye, angel! Have so much fun with Daddy!

Can I get a hug?

No? Okay. Okay.

Oh, no, buddy, wait. You're also going?

Dylan, you know the hotel has TVs.

You don't have to bring your own.

Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.

Oh, the Waldorf's dog-friendly, so don't worry.

Yeah. So.

Mike, please go. Yeah.

Bye, kids.


Welcome to the annual PTA election.

We will start with the candidates' statements, and since only one bothered to show up, she will go first.

Gwendolyn, you have five minutes.

Thank you. I'll talk as long as I want.

God, this movie's depressing.

Amy! Amy, I'm sorry we're late.

Oh, my God! It's Kiki's fault.

Sorry we're late, honey. So sorry.

I had to pee.

What's happening? Why aren't you ready?

What's going on?

What are you talking about?

What are you... It's the PTA election.

Oh, my God, no. Sorry, I'm not going to that.

What? Why not?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because my husband left me, my kids left me.

My fucking dog left me.

All the moms in school hate me, and I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.

First of all, you are so not a failure as a mother.

In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.

True that.

You give your kids salad.

You remember your kids' birthdays.

I mean, I sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.

Most moms do that, Carla.

That's most moms, yeah.

Well, whatever. This is the worst thing I've ever seen you do.

You've quit trying.

We don't quit! Moms don't quit!

No! Quitting is for dads!

Uh...

Listen, no matter what shit is thrown at us, us moms, we have to just...

We have to just keep going. Mmm-hmm.

And do you know why?

Because we have low self-esteem.

No. No, no.

It's because we love our kids.

It's because we love our stupid, selfish, ungrateful, little shit-faces!

That's why.

We love 'em so much that we would do...

Literally anything for them.

You guys, I can't win the election.

Oh, my God! Amy!

Amy! This is not about the election.

Amy, sit up.

This is about standing up to the bitch that hurt your little girl!

Now, are you gonna sit here and let Gwendolyn get away with this shit?

Don't do it, Amy. Fuck that!

Fuck it!

You are gonna rise up like a small, little white Apollo Creed and you are gonna look at Gwendolyn and you are gonna say, "You can do what you want to me, I don't care, "throw it at me, "but you fucked with my daughter, "and now I have to fight you.

"I will fight you in the playground.

"I will fight you in the cafeteria.

"I will even fight you in the parking lot of Trader Joe's.

"But I will have justice for my little girl, "because I am a fucking mom.

"And we protect our young."

So get up off this couch, turn off 12 Years a Slave and let's body slam this bitch.

Come on, Amy. Come on, get those tits up.

Get 'em up. Get 'em up.

Get your boobs up. Get those tits right up.

I'm gonna get my tits up. Get your tits up!

They're getting up, you guys. They're getting up.

I can see it. Guys, my tits are gettin' up.

They're getting up. They're getting up. That's it.

They are up!

Go, go, go, go!

Oh, my God.

I can't seem to locate my safety belt back here.

This is a one-way street!

Move out of the way!

We're on our way to a PTA meeting, motherfuckers!

Oh, my God, there's a truck!

Truck! Truck! Truck! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. Oh, fun. Kent is calling.

Hi, honey. Kiki.

The kids are going insane.

I can't do this. You gotta come home right now.

But I can't come home.

I'm going to the PTA meeting with my friends.

No, no, no, no. I said come home now, damn it!

And I said, "I'm going to the fucking PTA meeting with my fucking friends," so stop being such a goddamn pussy and make it work!

Kiki. Kiki...

That was very exciting.

How good did that feel? That felt good, didn't it?

It's very exciting! Yes!

It's very exciting!

And it is for that reason and the 47 others that I laid out for you today that I humbly ask for your vote.

All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.

Uh, well... Sorry I'm late!

Actually, you're just in time to give your candidate statement.

What's a candidate statement?

Oh, I think that's like a speech.

You got one of those, right, honey? What are you talking about?

You don't have a speech? Of course not!

It's all good.

She's got a great speech.

I'm not good at this public speaking.

Hey, we're sitting here. Move, move, sorry, move.

Okay.

Wow, there's a lot of you.

Introduce yourself.

Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

Good.

And I'm running for PTA president.

You're doing great.

Just 'cause they're not responding doesn't mean they think you're terrible.

You know...

I know there's a lot of rumors going around about my daughter.

That's a bad place to start.

And I'm guessing a lot of you think that I'm a bad mom.

Yes.

No, no. No, you know what? You're right.

Sometimes, I'm too lenient with my kids.

Sometimes, I'm too strict.

Well, we overestimated her, obviously.

Sometimes, I'm so crazy that I don't even understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.

You see, what works for my daughter almost never works for my son.

And whenever I think I'm actually starting to figure my kids out, they grow up and I'm back to square one.

So, the truth is, when it comes to being a mom, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

And you know what? I don't think anyone does.

I think we're all bad moms, and you know why?

Because being a mom today is impossible!

I never doubted her. I never doubted her.

She's doing great. She's a natural.

So can we all just please stop pretending like we have it figured out and stop judging each other for once?

Look, I'm running for PTA president because...

Because I want our school to be a place where you can make mistakes, where you can be yourself, where you're being judged on how hard you work and not on what you bring to the fucking bake sale.

Yeah! Yeah!

I want our school to be a place where it's okay to be a bad mom.

Do you know what I mean?

My kids haven't had a bath in three weeks.

That's okay! Listen, we've all been there.

I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!

What's your number?

I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night so I can watch The Voice.

I can't tell my twins apart!

I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.

I drink margaritas for breakfast.

I threw my son's violin in the garbage.

Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.

I like my nanny better than I like my husband.

Wait, really?

Yeah, you do!

I don't even have kids!

I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.

Aw.

Here's the thing.

If you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn, 'cause she's amazing.

Yes.

But if you're a bad mom like me and you have no fucking clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time...

Then please vote for me.

Thank you.

Oh, my God!

Are you kidding me?

Yes!

Amy! Amy! Amy!

Look at that! This is your PTA president!

Amy! Amy! Amy!

Oh, mama.

I feel invigorated. This is so great!

I still can't believe you won. I know!

Oh, I'm so happy you guys dragged me out of the house.

Oh, sweetheart, I didn't doubt you for a second.

Oh, God, you know, I forgot what it was like to have real friends, like, true friends.

I know.

Before you guys, my only friend was that lady on Google Maps.

You're pretty much the first bitches to ever talk to me at this school, so...

I'm so happy we found each other, you guys.

Me too. Me three.

Let's hug for a really long time.

Come on, bring it in. Bring it in.

Hey, will you guys give me, like, a second?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, honey. Sure.

Okay. Sure, take a minute.

Digest it. Thanks.

What, did you come to gloat?

No. No, no, I'm just seeing if you're okay.

I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine.

Okay. I don't wanna bother you. No, I'm good.

It's just that the PTA was the only good thing in my life and now I've lost that, too.

Come on, Gwendolyn, your life is awesome.

You have, like, three boats.

I have four boats. Okay.

But, no... My life is so not awesome.

Gwendolyn, what could possibly be wrong?

Oh, God.

Okay, well, for starters...

My husband was just arrested for embezzling

$100 million from a children's charity.

And I have night terrors.

And I have to take Vicodin every 20 minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.

I'm just addicted to them now.

I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law just joined ISIS, and he's a Jew!

Oh, and also, my DVR just stopped recording Castle.

Just out of nowhere.

Like, how the fuck does that even happen?

And I am the only thing holding my family together, so, yeah, it's awesome.

It's just awesome.

Wow.

I had no idea. Yeah.

You just always acted like everything was so perfect.

Hey, I'm really sorry about what I did to your daughter.

I promise you I will get her back on the soccer team, all right?

I know that was a really shitty thing to do.

Yeah. Even for me.

Listen, we're all bad moms, right?

Yeah.

That was literally the only thing you said tonight that made any fuckin' sense.

Bye.

Hey, guys. Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Look, I just wanna say I'm really sorry for how I've been acting lately.

Oh, it's fine. Yeah, it's just menopause, right?

No. It's not menopause.

And I'm sorry for acting so crazy about the whole soccer thing.

I'm really trying to chill out more.

I mean, it's just soccer. Right?

I got you back on the soccer team.

Shut up! Shut up.

Shut your face! Oh, my God.

Thank you so much, Mom.

Oh, I love you. Get in here.

There. Oh, I love you guys so much.

You're amazing kids.

I promise, I promise to always be here for you.

Oh.

My babies.

Oh...

I almost forgot! Where is he going?

Why is he touching the oven?

I made a frittata.

Did you just say "frittata"?

You said you weren't gonna cook for us anymore, so I taught myself how to cook.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you! Get in here. I love you.

I love you. Okay, okay, all right, all right.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

All right, okay, let go.

Okay. I gotta go do my homework.

Who are you?

♪ I said, "You're holding back" ♪

♪ She said, "Shut up and dance with me!" ♪

♪ This woman is my destiny ♪

♪ She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo, Shut up and dance with me!" ♪

Oh, hold on. Sorry, guys. One sec, one sec.

Hello, this is Amy.

Hey, Amy, it's Dale.

The company is falling apart without you. Could you please come back?

I will give you whatever you want.

Whatever? Whatever I want?

Yes! Yes! Anything.

Okay, um, well, I wanna double my pay.

I wanna work from home two days a week.

Oh, and I wanna hire three women over the age of 12 to fill out my team.

Okay, okay, fine. Anything you want. Can you start today?

Oh, no, no. No, sorry, today's not good for me.

I'll start sometime next week. Thanks. Bye-bye.

Come here. Love you.

Great day at school. Love you, Mom.

I love you kiddos. Be great, okay?

Okay. Be amazing. Be awesome.

Love you!

When did they get so big?

I don't know.

Hey, what would happen if I came over Friday night, brought a great bottle of wine, you know, made you a nice dinner, maybe ran you a hot bath and someone just took care of you...

I love you. ...for a change?

What did you just say? What?

What was that? I said nothing.

You said nothing. I meant to say that I...

God, I would love that. I would love that.

Great. Yeah.

I'll see you Friday. Okay.

I'll see you after school. Be good, okay?

Hey, how's it going?

I'm doing amazing.

I slept in late, skipped my workout, had, like, four donuts.

I told these kids, "Look, you get yourself ready for school today."

And my husband totally Fifty-Shaded me this morning.

Oh. I've never felt better.

Wow.

Yeah.

Hi!

Did you remember Maddie's backpack?

Shoot. No, I left it in the car.

Okay, well, let's go get it, dude. Right?

Chop-chop.

I'm so sorry. Be right back.

It's not gonna grab itself.

Hey, Jackson.

I, uh...

I made you lunch today.

It's a hummus wrap with some kale.

Gross!

Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting, but it's supposed to be good for you, so...

And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.

For real? I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game.

Mmm-hmm.

Because...

I love you.

And stuff.

Oh.

Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chotch.

Hey. What's up, pretty ladies?

What should we do today?

How about we go to brunch?

Mmm.

Oh, how about we go to Color Me Mine and make each other salad bowls?

I love it. Oh, I got an idea.

Why don't we try something that doesn't suck?

Hey, bitches! Get in.

Wait.

Holy shit. Wait. Wait. Wait. Is that...

Well, I have my husband's plane for the whole day, so where do you guys wanna go, huh?

You know what? Gwendolyn's starting to grow on me, guys.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I think she's a really good person.

Come on, come on! Very generous.

My role as a mother was so hit-and-miss.

I was a little looser, but too loose in many ways.

I would give her whiskey.

We left the country when she was seven years old.

My mom kept telling me that we were moving up the street.

And then we flew to L.A.

My mother's a filthy liar.

When I went into labor and stuff, I didn't even ask if it was a boy or a girl.

I just asked for Demerol.

I heard someone calling my name.

"Please come to the service desk."

I thought, "What's that?"

And I looked around, there was no Kathryn.

She was three years old. I was three years old.

I'm thinking, oh, my God, that was bad!

When I was nine years old, um, my mom took me to see Cruising in the theaters because she loved Al Pacino. I loved Al Pacino.

Cruising is a movie about a man investigating the underworld of S&M gay clubs because there was a man murdering men after raping them.

Al Pacino.

You do stupid things as a parent and you're like, "Oh, they're fine, they're fine," and then you're in the hospital.

Yeah, of course you lie to your kids, of course you do, and you go through their things. You have to.

You go through my things?

Sometimes you have to make people happy, to lie a little bit. You know?

Easter Bunny. Tooth Fairy.

Food out for Santa Claus.

You had me clean the fireplace that year.

Yeah, well, that was a good idea anyway.

Like a chimney sweep.

I would just be all, you know, upset because of the way I thought that it had to be.

You know, I was so angry one day, and I said to her, "Dominic doesn't like you, Eric doesn't like you."

You told me to fuck off.

"Laura doesn't like you. Your dad doesn't like you."

You said, "Fuck you, Mom." Or something like that.

"I don't like you, and the dog doesn't like you."

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

I just really didn't have a clue about...

You were perfect.

Yeah, it kind of worked out for her.

It worked out perfectly.

I had the best childhood.

I loved my childhood.

I had a very happy childhood.

And we would have the best days.

Yeah, it was absolutely like some of the best times of my life.

You were an amazing mom.

Which is fine. I feel good. That felt good.

It's nuts being a mom, guys.

Raising kids is an amazing experience.

I did some mistakes, but the end, I can see it's not as bad.

They survived. In spite of us.

Now, thank goodness...

You know, she turned out to be the wonderful woman that she is.

I think she's perfect.

The love that you had when that kid was born, that you didn't have...

It is a miracle.

It's the wife that she is and the mother that she is, and I'm really proud of just her.

Mom. Yeah.

She's so good, like a mom. She's so good.

Yeah. Thanks, Mommy.

So I think she's the best mom in the world, and I go, "I wish, you know, I'd been more like that."

Oh.

I love you. I love you, hon.

I love you, Mommy.

Aw.

You said it would be fun, Kathryn.

Don't touch my makeup.

See this shit?

Improved By: Fidel33 Sub Upload Date: October 19, 2016