Bad Words (2013) Script

I'm not that good at a lot of stuff.

Especially thinking things through.

And that's why this plan was so shitty.

But my feelings were hurt, and I'm glad I at least did something about it.

Making bad decisions is nothing new to me.

After all, I live alone at 40, and I make my living proofreading product warranties.

A few weeks ago, I took a break from that, however, so I could do this whole thing.

And ifs pretty ironic that what I did was exactly what a child would do.

I threw a tantrum just to get attention.

You must be really proud.

I know I am.

And excited.

Meet "The Big Man" , right?

But proud either way, of course.

Mm swans Aren't they amazing? Which one's yours? Mine's...

Buddy, no' thank you.

What's that?

This chat. I'm all set. I'm just trying to get some food in my face before I get stuck up on that stage, okay?

Right. My bad. You must be our host for today.

No, I'm not.

I'm the winner.

Everyone, it's time for the 15th Annual Regional Spelling Bee to begin.

Take your seats, please. All of our noble contestants.

Please take your seats up on the stage. Hurry, hurry!

We're on schedule.

I love the way the hush just comes over the crowd before we start. Here we go.

What are you doing on the stage, weirdo?

Your chair called me for help.

It was saying, "Help me. It's so heavy."

You didn't hear it? I heard it.

I'm sorry, sir.

Those seats are for the competitors only.

Great. I'm in the right spot.

Mr. Trilby, I won't allow it.

You're not eligible in any fashion, way, shape or manner.

Page 39 of the Golden Quill National Spelling Bee rulebook.

This is rule number 24. This is sub-point B. This is a quote.

"The speller must not have passed beyond the 8th grade"

"on or before February 1st, 2011"

That is a rule written by the governing institute.

And if you want, you can continue to ogle my transcript, just please don't wrinkle it any further.

But you can see there, unfortunately, I have not passed the 8th grade on or before February 1st. Not ever.

That may be, but...

But, sir, I can go on. I can go on and on and on.

There are 83 paragraphs, 581 lines of rules in the rulebook, but lei me assure you, I'm compliant with every single one of them.

The spelling bee is meant for kids.

Not adults that couldn't even graduate the 8th grade.

Oh, boy.

Are we past the rules and into the insults now?

Is it insult time? I'm sorry, but you're an adult.

Because your potholder vest is about to take heavy fire. Are you ready for that'?

You know what? Enough. This is all just a moot point.

Every contestant must be sponsored by a nationally-recognized news service.

The end. Mmm, I understand.

That doesn't end the conversation.

Guess what? Hello.

Perfect timing. What's going on here?

Who is this?

This is my sponsor from a nationally-recognized news service.

Jenny Widgeon. The Click and Scroll.

The what?

What's that? Is that something on the computer?

Yes, we're an online paper.

Said differently, a nationally-recognized news service.

They don't want to let me participate.

Go ahead. Set it in motion. I love your vest.

He's an adult.

In about a half an hour, you're gonna be receiving a temporary restraining order and a preliminary injunction prohibiting the continuation of this competition until we clear this whole legal matter up.

Plus, and this is a selfish note for me, it's gonna make one hell of a story.

How dare you try to hijack this spelling bee contest!

What did you call me?

Hijack. Yes.

I'm a hijacker now?

You're on the hook for defamation, too.

My attorneys will be in touch with both of you. Let's get out of here.

But before we go, actually, I'd like to watch the both of you address those poor, wonderful children and their very supportive parents when you tell them that they have no shot at the National Bee or an opportunity to meet "The Big Man."

That I want to see. They're gonna be crestfallen.

I know of one father in particular who's gonna have to find a whole new way to empty out his ball bag.

Let's do it. Bullies and insulters first. You lead the way.

Or should I go first, the idiot hijacker? Should I lead?

No one called you an idiot. You lead. You guys decide.

While you decide, I'm gonna bang out a couple of prayers.

Which way is Mecca?

Oleaginous.

Oleaginous?

Oleaginous.

Oleaginous.

Can I have the definition, please?

"Having the nature or qualities of oil," or "Unctuous, fawning, smarmy."

Oleaginous.

Does it contain the Latin root olea, meaning "olive"?

It does.

Oleaginous. Can I have the part of speech?

It's an adjective. Am I right?

Yes.

Any other pronunciations? No.

Oleaginous.

O-L-E-A-G-I-N-O-U-S.

That is correct. We got it.

Hi.

Absquatulate.

A-B-S-Q-U-A-T-U-L-A-T-E.

That's...

Correct.

Correct. Thank you.

Hey, Moms, let's break out the rubber pillowcases tonight.

Little pricks, you're gonna be countin' tears, not sheep.

Who's next?


Not now, please.

Guy, I need some more.

No.

Why, at the age of 40... Come on.

Have you decided to annoy educators, parents and children by forcing your way into a kids' spelling bee?

Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?

Guy, I get at least one answer per tournament.

I have three very paltry answers.

It's time for my fourth. Shh!

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

While I'm gone, I want you to ask yourself this.

Will, when all of this is over, a five-answer article be equal compensation for eight weeks of covered hotel room accommodations, qualifying tournament entry fees, rental car damage, not to mention emotional expense?

Are you not gonna get up?

Why? Go. You've got room.

Jesus Christ. If you gave me the window, I wouldn't have to move.

Yeah.

Don't drag that thing across me.

It's full. You just told me it's full.

I don't want it on me.

Hi. I'm Chaitanya Chopra.

Was that English?

My name is Chaitanya.

Oh.

Congratulations.

What's yours? No.

What's your name? Spin it around.

I'm going to the Golden Quill. Good for you.

My parents are up in first class.

Great.

My dad says that economy class builds character.

Amazing.

I was in last year's tournament.

I overheard you say you're going, too.

You're the grown-up who's competing, huh?

I heard about you. What was your winning word?

I don't know.

What was the word you spelled to win your regional?

To get here?

I don't fucking remember. Do you see my eyes closed?

Mine was "intelligentsia? Awesome."

Come on, try. How could you forget?

It's such a special word.

It was "autofellatio." Okay?

I've never heard of that word. Yeah.

What's its origin?

Loneliness.

No, that can't be right. It is.

I know "auto" is of Greek origin, meaning "self," right'?

Fellatio. Fellatio, fellatio.

Is that derived from the Latin fellare, meaning "to suck"?

Little man, the woman I'm sitting next to knows her way around that subject real well, so why don't you ask her when she gets back from droppin' her deuce?

Meanwhile, if you don't point that curry hole that way and sit your fuckin' ass down in that seat, I'm gonna tell the captain that your bag's ticking.

Then you'll have a situation.

Good night.


Have a seat.

I'm Bernice Deagan, director of the Golden Quill National Spelling Bee.

Struthious.

What did she say?

S-T-R-U-T-H-I-O-U-S. Struthious.

That was my winning word. Oh.

1973, national champion.

Just thought you should know that in case you didn't already.

No, I didn't.

Did you know that? No, I didn't.

Guy, I don't like you.

Look... Quiet.

You know, when I was a little girl, I was always picked last in P.E.

I hated sports. That's what probably thankfully thrusted me into the welcoming bosom of the spelling bee, of which lam the director.

Have been for over 20 years now.

How did I accomplish that? Elbow grease? Yes.

Hard work? Maybe. Integrity? Oh, you betcha.

But what I didn't do is use slimy gimmicks, as you have done.

Well, you don't know me and you don't know why I'm here.

Would you like to tell me?

No, thank you.

Do you know why he's here?

Oh, I have been trying for weeks.

All right. Well, whatever issue it is you're hereto workout, perhaps a painful 5th grade spelling bee or...

It's not that. Not asking.

I'm simply telling you you're in the wrong place.

No, this is the spot.

I'm gonna be out of your hair in three days, though.

Perhaps sooner.

Because however smart you think you are, with this loophole you're snaking through, I'll bet you're not half as smart as even our worst speller.

So B-R-A-V-O, Mr. Trilby. You've made it.

That one I know. That's "bravo."

All the way to your own hanging.

Okay. Your noose. Enjoy.

Can I ask you a question? On your wife's birthday, does she get to wear the strap-on, or do you hog that thing 365?

That's yours, right? You hold onto that. Good day.

You don't share that with anybody. Yeah. Good day.

I thank you very much.

You can thank Dr. Bowman.

He was very disappointed he couldn't personally place that around your throat.

Yeah? Is he busy doing somethin' else more pleasurable with another guy's throat?

He is in the middle of a very important media training session.

Surely you're aware that your little stunt has landed on the very first year we're televising this tournament?

Hang on. That is a coincidence.

It doesn't bother you that a few million people will witness your embarrassment?

I'm not gonna be the one with the red face.

Trust me. Not here for that.

Okay.

See you later.

Oh!

And I personally arranged your hotel accommodations.

I'll bet they're not awesome.

They're not.

Nice meeting you.

I had plenty of opportunities to stop what I was doing.

To make a good decision.

But that would have required the kind of lessons that I was never taught.

Oh, there's an ice cream social at 5:30 p.m.

You gonna be there?

Okay. No. Well, I could be pretty late to that.

Really late? Super late.

Meet me there, though.

Here's your key, Mr. Trilby. Thank you.

And, ma'am, I'll be right back with yours.

Oh, bummer. See you.

Hold the door!

Whew!

Hey, we're both on two.

Did you remember your winning word?

I'm Chaitanya, remember?

I can't do it again, Shawarma.

Chaitanya.

How about just your favorite word?

I'm serious, pal.

You don't have one? I don't. No. Sorry.

Mine is "subjugate." it just sounds so cool, you know?

Subjugate. Subjugate.

Subjugate.

What's yours?

Can it be "Shut the fuck up"?

Well, that's four words. A sentence, really.

Pretend you're on a desert island, and this gorilla comes out of the jungle and holds a gun to your head and says, "Hoo! Hoo! Tell me what your favorite word is!"

What would you say?

Sweet fuck. You've got a gorilla with a gun?

Yeah, a gorilla with a gun.

And he's on a desert island?

He's standing right there!

Here's what I'd do. I'd kick some sand in the monkey's face, I'd take his gun and hunt you down, I'd stick it in your mouth, and I'd tell you to stop trying to get all up in my kitchen, kid!

Again, that's a sentence. We can finish that later'

Bye-bye.

Come on.

Unfortunately, the hotel is completely sold out.

I don't have a bathroom.

Yeah.

Where would the hotel like me to put my piss and shit?

Bartender? Yes, ma'am.

Do you know how to make an Old Fashioned?

Sure.

Actually, make that two.

No mini-bar, huh?

They've got me in a storage closet.

I think the queen bee is sending you a message.

Whatever.

God.

Look at all the parents around here.

Like bursting at the seams with parents.

Here you go.

Where are your parents? Thank you.

Jenny, come on. I just want to have a drink in peace. Okay?

And can I give you a little journalistic advice?

Don't try so hard.

Okay, I'm gonna talk. We're here three days.

It's difficult to talk when you're being smothered.

You're like an insolent child hiding secrets from his mommy.

Really? You're not half the broad my mother was. Or is.

Cheers.

A seat opened up.

I don't want to talk and I don't want the drink.

I'm dead serious. Either you leave or I'm going to.

Or you could stay. I could bu}; you yet another dinner.

No.

We could expand on this three measly answers you've given me thus far.

You know too much already.

Do I? Let's see here. Hold on a second.

Okay. Wild Turkey, olive green and 32-A.

Favorite drink, color and breast size are first date questions.

But maybe you've never been on one of those.

Can you leave me alone? I've asked you four or five times now.

Why don't you tell me why you're so angry at the world'?

Just... Come on. Go ahead. Screw. Please?

Screw?

Screw.

Take off. Hit it.

Did you just tire of the words "fuck off“?"

Because I know you're not suggesting that I let you fuck me again.

First of all, you're welcome.

Umm. If you'd like me to consider another, uh, event with you, you can ask me nicely.

And secondly, "fuck off“ works just great", if that's what you prefer.

Does that sound better to you'?

Or does "screw" sound pretty nice?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't look at me.

What? Don't look at me.

Okay.

Ooh, yeah! Yeah!

Do not look at me. Okay.

Do not look at me.

You're fuckin' staring at me, you know.

It's kind of creepy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

On, yup! Yup! Yup! Yup! Yup!

Don't look at me! Don't look at me! Don't look at me.

Now I have to start again.

I'm sorry. Lost it. Lost it. I understand. Okay, okay.

So we could be here all night.

Build it up. Okay.

Climbing a mountain.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Got it? One foot in front of the other.

Okay. Now we're joggin'. Now we're joggin'.

Who wants to run?

Don't look at me!

Do you want me to grab your balls?

Do you want me to stick my finger in your asshole?

Shut the fuck up!

Oh!

Don't look at me!

Wow. Okay.

Second time, shame on me.

I had a good time, too. Thanks.

So if I need fresh towels in the morning, I should just put my name on this?

Okay. Well, I'll see you tomorrow, or whatever...

Bye.


You know, if you really had it all together, you wouldn't be leavin' your...

Sorry to bother you, but the lady said you were still awake.

Would you mind helping me open this jar of pretzels?

Wow. Small room.

Can you help me? I haven't had anything to eat all night.

I was studying my words so hard that I missed room service hours, and this jar's too hard for me to open.

Are you opening it now or have you taken it?

Great. Thanks.

I was also wondering if you wanted to be my friend.

Why would I want to be friends with a 9-year-old'?

Ten, but okay, that's cool.

I just thought it would be fun to study together before tomorrow.

Drink soda pop from the mini-bar and stuff.

You got a mini-bar in there? I do.

What about Mom and Dad?

My dad believes I should learn how to be my own man.

And that means staying in my own hotel room myself this weekend.

So he's just staying in a different room down here, is he?

He's staying at a fancier hotel a few blocks away.

Nice guy-

It's kind of neat. I get to jump on the bed as much as I want.

But tonight I messed up and missed room service.

Have you named your binder?

Yes. Todd.

He has all the words I've ever memorized in there.

And their origins.

Todd's my key to success.

I think I've spent more hours with Todd than even my parents.

He's cool and he's smart, and that's why I named him Todd.

No, that makes sense.

Have you figured out your favorite word?

No, I sure haven't.

Is it the "F" word?

It's up there.

Because you say it a lot.

Everyone should.

Not me. My father says bad words.

What about your dad?

Never met him. But my mom said bad words a lot.

And you can say bad words. Who gives a shit?

I shouldn't Why not?

You should just say what you feel.

That's what they're there for. Why don't you try one?

I feel the opposite of bad-wordy right now.

Will you just say something bad, you fuckin' Quaker?

Umm...

Motherfucker?

Great. Perfect. That's a good one.

And did your soul burst into flames? No.

Nope. I'm okay.

You're a little weirdo. You know that?

Hey. Hey.

It's morning.

You passed out last night and I was scared to wake you.

My dad will be here any minute. You should go.

Okay.

You sleep good, dickhead?

So what do you want to know about this morning?

Uh, nothing unless it's really important.

Oh, you're gonna be seated next to Braden Aftergood.

He comes from bee royalty.

Consider me warned. Oh, good, because he is awesome.

Is he? Yeah.

Is he a great speller?

Did I leave my underpants in your room last night?

As a matter of fact, you...

I don't know.

Would you look for me' please?

I only brought three pairs.

I probably would have seen them, Jenny.

My room has no sink, shower or toilet.

Score one for Deagan.

You know, you can put me on the board, too.

Obviously, if I could figure out a way to be less stubborn, the right way to fix things would be easier to see.

Window! Window! You take that one.

Yes.


Pretty impressive.

All right, everybody, we're going live in five minutes.

Excuse me. Press? Click and Scroll? Uh, yes.

Yeah, I understand all that.

Here's the randomized list for this round.

Do me a favor and enunciate this year.

Well, look who's here.

Can you hook it on your chair or something?

Thanks. Good luck.

I'm a contestant, buddy.

How you doing?

Can we get them to sit down, please, ma'am?

Hey, Guy!

Oh, look who's here. Hi.

Where's me? Is this me? Excuse me.

Welcome, everyone, to the 111th Annual Golden Quill National Spelling Bee.

I'm Pete Fowler coming to you live from historic Figueroa Auditorium here in sunny Los Angeles, California.

This year marks the first year that the Golden Quill has been nationally televised, and we can think of no better captain for such a maiden voyage than the President of the Quill Institute itself.

Welcome to your tournament, Professor William Bowman.

Or should I say Dr. Bowman?

It all depends on whether you're sick or confused.

Otherwise, just Bill.

Well, let's get started, shall we'?

We have all 50 competitors in the room, and we're ready to begin.

Our first competitor is Ling Quan.

Ling says that when she grows up, she would like to be President of the United States.

Making it your fourth to reach the office, would it not?

It would. Best of luck, Ling.

Dactylogram.

Dactylog ram?

Dactylogram.

Dactylogram.

Dactylogram.

Can I have the definition, please?

"A fingerprint."

Dactylogram.

Can I have the origin, please?

From a Greek combination dactylos...

I'm Guy. And you're Braden, right'? Braden Aftergood?

I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Why not?

Because my dad says you're probably just some unemployed bum trying to steal the prize money that I deserve, and that you're a cheater.

He said that, huh?

He did.

It is a noun.

Can you tell your dad that I don't blame him for being so angry?

And then can you do me another favor?

Can you give these to your mother?

She left those in my room last night.

I would do it myself, but your dad is here, and we've already covered his mood.

I don't want to kick the nest. Do you know what I mean?

Buddy, good luck with that divorce. They get so nasty.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about probably a very dysfunctional marriage.

I'm glad I was there for her.

It's just animal instinct, you know?

She can't help it. Shd's just human. Okay?

And she was very sweet I want you to know that.

She held me aftenuards. A nice woman.

That is correct. Hey!

You're up, dawg.

Poised, intelligent.

She's got my vote.

Next, we have probably one of this year's strongest competitors, Braden Aftergood.

And that reminds me, my very first spelling bee, I had my lucky bottle cap in my back pocket.

Looks like he's got his good luck hankie there.

Noctivaganl.

I'm sorry. Uh, definition?

Going about in the night.

Night wandering.

Um, noctivagant. Wait. Can you use it in a sentence?

The noctivagant alley cat kept the entire neighborhood up all night by sitting on a fence, yowling out to her many suitors.

Noctivagant.

Okay. Noctivagant.

N-O-C-.

T-I-V-I-G-A-N-T.

Noctivagant.

Well, we have our first elimination of the tournament. I'll be right back.

Yes, and surprisingly early, too.

Next up is Mr. Guy Trilby.

He's 40 years old, lives in Columbus, Ohio.

Clearly, Mr. Trilby has found a loophole in your rules of entry and is exploiting it.

Needless to say, this is beyond unfortunate.

My staff and I are making all the efforts necessary to rectify the problem for the tournaments in the years that follow.

With that addressed, on with the competition.

And the man himself, Guy Trilby.

My turn.

Frabjous.

F-R-A-B-J-O-U-S.

That is correct.

Thank you. That's enough!

Listen! Listen!

We are doing all we can to find a happy resolution to this situation.

Aren't you embarrassed?

This is gonna go down in history as the most ridiculous spelling bee ever!

And it's gonna be on your head! He's a grown man!

Do you know how much money I've spent on goddamned coaches?

I'm sure it's a lot.

A ton! He's a lunatic!

Yes, he is. So fix it!

Or I swear on my child's life, with God as my witness, this will be the last year you're the director of this bee.

All right, there's no need for threats.

Now, if you can all please just leave my office, I can assure you this matter is in very capable hands.

Now, keep in mind Mr. Trilby doesn't have the discipline and practice that all of your children have.

He's made it through the first round.

But Dr. Bowman and I are extremely confident he's not going to make it much farther.

And I also swear on your children's lives, if he makes it to the final round, I'll step down as director of the bee immediately. Good day.

I'll jump in your shower as soon as this buzz kicks in.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

What's the grammatical significance of the sentence, "Why run from fire ants?"

Is this a test?

No. it's just...

I was wondering what the grammatical significance of that sentence was.

"Why run from fire ants?"

Ah, well, every vowel is in there.

Starting with the going to the Right? It's backwards.

I guess it's easy for a sentence.

I wish there was one word that had all the vowels in it.

But in alphabetical order.

Facetious.

Son of a bitch.

I got it? You're brilliant.

Give me another one. You're a genius.

These questions are from a test that they give to geniuses.

I got hold of your school records, Guy Trilby, and your 8th grade counselor made a note on your file just before you dropped out... Let me see that.

Saying that you showed signs of being a genius.

FedEx was waiting for me when I got here. I told you I was good.

Mr. Leavenworth, what a dick eater.

He told me I was a useless loser, and then he makes secret notes saying that he thinks I'm smart?

I'm glad I stole his bike and shaved his cat.

You just never had a chance to shine in this school.

You just never had a chance to realize it.

I had a shitty upbringing. My dad wasn't around.

It goes on and on and on. Who skated through their adolescence?

Where was your father?

I don't know.

You got somethin' there? Where's your pen?

Maybe he was brilliant. Maybe your mom was.

Because they say that sometimes that brilliance and photographic memory, which you have, are inherited.

It didn't come from Mom. She hated everything to do with education.

This one time when I was a kid, I tried to get in this local spelling bee, ironically enough, and she burned my favorite dictionary.

Is that why you're here? A chance to do something that you weren't able to do while she was alive?

Are we in interview mode now? Come on.

You can't just have a normal conversation.

You've gotta turn everything into the interview.

I'm a reporter.

So, can't you talk, too?

You know what? You have problems, Guy Trilby.

You're a shrink, too? Right? A shrink on top of being a reporter?

I don't know how you cram it all in.

And you're the one with the problem.

You have to be blindfolded to get off. That's a problem.

Oh! Well, don't worry about that, Guy!

Because that's never gonna happen again!

Great. Oh!

Yeah, great!

You promise?

I wouldn't let you near my vagina again if you paid me $1 million!

Don't look at me!

Yeah...

Can you be quiet? Your voice eats hard-ans.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, really. Let me apologize.

Okay. Oh! Okay! You are sorry.

That's generous.

Uh-huh? Uh-huh!

Hang on. This make it easier?

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm gonna hold still.

That makes it easier, right'?

Don't look at me. I get it. I get it. Don't look at me.

Did you get locked out?

I was wondering if you wanted to grab some alimentation for our hyperphagia.

I'm hungry.

Oh, I just got pretty hungry myself. Sure, let's go for it.

Can't believe you can't find any other pre-masturbators to hang out with.

The place is crawlin' with them.

You know, you can actually study for the spelling bee anywhere.

Thank you. Is that right?

Try spelling "rigatoni" without looking.

I don't want to. I don't need to study.

You need to study because I'm gonna slaughter you like a sacred cow.

Not everything is about winning.

No, that's true. Closure is pretty nice, too.

To me, it's about fun.

You probably deserve a little bit better than that.

Excuse me.

I'm the mother of one of the competitors competing here.

Okay. What you're doing is an insult to every honest child that's worked so hard to be here, including my son.

I've worked very, very hard to get here, too, madam, and I'm well within the rules.

You're an asshole. That's all.

That's a child. Yes.

And I'm sure he's heard even worse from you.

I don't speak like that in front of him.

Oh, is that right? Yes, that's right.

So why don't you take your potty mouth, go locate your pre-teen cocksucker son, and stuff him back up that old, blown-out sweat sock of a vagina and scoot off to whatever shit-kicking town you came from.

Can you do that for me?

Like an elephants trunk, I'll bet.

Gray and distended. Wow.

Good night. Good day.

Thank you.

Mothers.

Let's get out of this restaurant.

It's a little depressing, don't you think?

My dad doesn't ever allow me to leave the hotel.

Daddy's not here, and he sounds like he could be an asshole, so let's not listen to him. Let's go find you some real fun. Side door.


I'm glad I was in town to catch your call.

You look really, really good.

I appreciate that I've been stayin' away from sugar. Cold turkey.

Wow. Do you feel as good as you look?

Are you happy? How's federal agent life treating you'?

You know, it's not as fun as it used to be.

Yeah, I kind of miss you digging around where you shouldn't be.

On...

Yeah. Yeah.

So there you go.

That's one background check on one Guy Trilby.

Thank you.

Is this for a story or something?

Something good?

Did you do this background run yourself?

Of course I did.

What kind of a guy repays a favor by delegating it?

I did ii. Wow.

This is incredible. Thank you so much.

So is that it?

Oh, yeah. This is huge.

That's a relief. I'll tell you, this has been hangin' over my head for years, and I'm the kind of guy, I like to keep a debt-free lifestyle.

Well, consider yourself free and clear. Yeah.

I just expected to have to do so much more, you know'?

It seems like it's not enough. No.

You saved my ass, my career. Well...

Feel like I'm gettin' off easy. No.

You know, you did me a solid.

No, we're square.

You don't want anything more in return?

Uh-uh.

You don't want anything...

Solid...

In return?

No.

Are you familiar with the phrase

"Eatin' ain't cheatin”?"

Thanks so much, Jeremy.

It's a popular phrase.

Aren't these fries incredible?

And was I right about the chili?

Love it.

You might want to slow down a little bit, Slummy.

Looks like you got into the wrong dude's ass. Here.

Ha!

Funny.

You look like there was a person who pooped their underwear, then you used it for a bank robber mask.

Then you threw the pooped underwear away and forgot to wash your face.

You shouldn't insult people. You're no good at ii.

This soda pop is so delicious.

Then just say "soda." Otherwise you're gonna get raped.

I like having you as a friend.

Thanks.

Although I'm not your friend.

You got friends. I'm four times your age.

I really don't have any friends.

I thought being good in spelling would get me friends, but kids just make fun of me more.

Well, who needs them? You've got Todd, right?

And you' too, maybe, huh?

No. Buddy, I work alone.

Always have. My mom always kept me running around with her, avoiding rent.

I never gathered a bunch of friends, so...

And it's fine. It's good. You'll be all right.

What's that?

I borrowed it when we borrowed the lobster.

Really? Let me see it.

Your fingers get a little sticky when you get all boozed up.

Toys are fun to have when you can't play with other kids.

That's true.

What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?

Well, I did love a little toy car once, kind of like this.

It was a shitty little black-and-white police car.

Never left my pocket.

Then I lost it one night, I think.

I don't know. I must have dropped it or somethin' and I never saw it again.

Had a little Kojak light right on top.

Right there, a little single bubble.

Chasm' dawn bad guys.

All right. So you're a little thief, and you don't have any friends.

You sound like a real loser.

I'll bet you crush ass, though, right?

Make up for it with the women?

No.

No girlfriend for you? You can't find one little chicken tikka to get your shrimp tandoori all up in?

Nope. But when I do get one, it's going to be a girl with nipples.

Is that right? Well, lucky for you, they all have nipples, pal.

Every girl does not have nipples. No.

They do. No, they don't.

Buddy, I promise you, they do.

They don't.

All right. I don't know how I missed that.

You look at their shirts.

On some you can see the little nipples poking through the shirts.

On others, nothing.

Oh, I see. I got it.

Buddy' you're in bad shape.

You know what? I'm gonna do you a favor. Come on.

Let's go. You done here?

Where are we going?

Just come on. Let's go. If my dad had been around, this is something wish he'd have done with me.

I hope it's not a workout.

I hope it's a sundae.

Yea h. It's not.

A dessert would follow that chili dog really well.

No ice cream, pal.

Hey!

Slumdog, I want you to meet Marzipan. Marzipan, Slumdog.

Hi.

You said he was 16.

Yeah, he is 16. He's got a hydro-thyroid retentional problem.

Remember Gary Coleman? Right?

God rest his sweet, funny soul.

Amen. Okay, let's do this. Chaiwalla, all I can say is, "You're welcome."

For what?

Hit it.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

nine... Can you bang it?

Ten.

Nice?

Huh?

Good, right?

No tip? No tip.

Asshole.

Don't ask me for my last 10, Marzipan, and then expect me to tip you.

There's your tip.

Bye, sweetie. Good luck with your glands and shit.

Thank you. Wasn't that good?

I lied to her.

I still have a couple bucks. Want to get the ice cream now?

Fuck the ice cream. How much to touch 'em?

I don't know.

Which way did she go? She turn right'? Let's go ask her.

Marzipan!

That might be true, but I still think a person your age should be carrying at least a dollar in his pocket, and if you had, that would have been the difference.

Would've gotten yourself a little bit of skin.

But it was still the best time of my life.

Are we friends now?

Cool.

I'd like it if you could just block out a little private time for me after today's round.

If you don't mind.

You saying you want to come over and fuck off again?

No, that's not what I'm...

You want to look for your underwear?

Just give me 10 minutes.

Guy, I wanted to give you something before the round starts.

A little Wite-Out and a Lego piece, and you got your car back.

Thanks, buddy.

But I'm still gonna totally bust your nut.

I don't think you mean to say that.

I do.

No, say you're gonna kick my ass.

Okay. Thai. All right.

See you there. See you there.

What was that about?

I don't know. Kids are weird.


Stand by in five, four, three, two...

Welcome, America, to round two of the Golden Quill National Spelling Bee.

It is a point where, sadly, many have already gone home.

But the fighting spirit remains for those who have survived.

And that number is 30.

Thirty brave, determined competitors who are here...

Here are this round's words.

And let's remember, this competition is in English, not "marble mouth."

Rhapsodize.

Rhapsodize.

Rhapsodize.

Rhapsodize.

Rhapsodize.

Joyce?

Wondering if that's your hair clip or somethin' over there?

Where? Underneath that seat right there.

Can you see it? It's certainly not mine.

I just don't want you to lose something that might cost...

There you go. Give it a look.

My behavior was ridiculous, at best.

Pm incredibly lucky that I wasn't beaten to death by the parents.

There's nothing down there. Not that I can see.

Or their children.

That's a big "never mind" now, okay?

I want you to get ready to get super-happy.

We've got a celebration on our hands.

What are you talking about?

It seems that your friend has finally come to town.

My what? Yeah.

Somebody's a woman today.

I don't know what you're saying to me.

When you got up, I saw your adulthood.

Adulthood?

Congratulations. You must be vibrating.

That's so exciting. But you can celebrate later.

Right now you've got a tournament to win. You've got words to spell.

Even though your situation might not be very camera-friendly, screw them.

You get up there and you take this tournament.

You take what's yours.

You've got a long walk to make up thereto excellence.

Unfortunately, it is all the way up there.

That is correct.

Next up is Joyce Sacks. She's from...

Oh, man.

I know. I know. God, so many people watching, and you're up next.

I wish I had a sweatshirt to give you, but I don't.

So instead I want you to just keep thinking, "These are not light pants. These are not light pants."

You just keep saying it to yourself.

Competitor 1124?

That's you. "These are not light pants." You can do it.

Competitor 1124?

1124.

Clearly we have a case of stage fright brewing in the back row.

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

Mama, I can't.

No, baby girl.

I can't do it.

I don't blame you. Looks like a super-heavy flow.

Competitor 1124, you must make your way to the microphone now or be disqualified.

Why don't you try to do a hop-scoot with your chair?

Just grab both sides of it and you just kind of...

I can't do this!

She's gone. There she goes. She made it this far, though.

Clearly the pressure was just too much for her.

I hope she'll be all right.

Yes, the tournament does create a natural selection, does it not?

Pruning of the weak.

Lend her your jacket!

Allowing the strong to blossom...

It's so tough. It's tough.

Reach for the sky.

They'll be good.

Oh, dear.

Is that my word'? That's two words.

Um...

Is "Um" the word? I'd be guessing at the "M's."

What's going on?

Floccinaucinihilipilification.

Good gracious.

That word is longer than most sentences.

Can you repeat it one more time, please?

Floccinaucini...

As a professor of linguistics, I can tell you with the utmost confidence that a true orthographic enthusiast wouldn't flinch at such a challenge.

F-L-O-C-C-

I-N-A-U-

C-I-N-l.

H-I-L-I-

P-I-L-I-

F-I-C-A-T-l-O-N.

Correct.

Nougat.

N-O-U-G-A-T. Nougat.

"PROCTOR". incriminate.

The root origin, please?

Hagridden.

CONTESTANT; H-A-G-R-I-

T-T-O-N.

Antidisestablishmentarianism.

A-N-T-l-D-I-S-E-S-T-

A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-

A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M.

Correct.

Asterisk.

Meticulous.

Conjecture.

Pertinacious.

P-E-R-T-I-N-A-C-I-O-U-S.

Correct.

Sauerkraut lmmunoeiecirophoresis.

I-M-M-U-N-O-E-L-E-C-T-R-O- P-H-O-R-E-S-I-S.

That is correct.

Obviously, I'm not going to resign.

That would leave the bee rudderless.

Oh, bullshit! Everyone, please.

I know what I said. I... There is... If you will all...

Yes, lam the most qualified person for this position.

Pardon me! Yes?

We just completed the standard competition review.

Guy Trilby didn't get those words by accident.

It appears the randomized word list was purposefully manipulated by you.

You tampered with this.

And I, in good conscience, cannot allow such an abuse of your position to go unnoticed.

And it didn't even stop him.

PROCTOR'. True, but that's not really the point, now, is it?

He may be unlikable, but he's a contestant, all the same.

And all contestants deserve a fair chance.

And it didn't even stop him. God damn it!

You're done.

Did I enunciate that clearly enough?

Mr. Trilby, you have a message.

Thank you.

You got a duck pond, huh?

Did you want to see me, Dr. Bowman?

Yes, I do, Mr. Trilby.

Do you like ducks?

They're okay on a plate.

You know, I got after it quite a bit when I was younger.

I stirred life's cocktail pretty vigorously, if you will.

I'd venture to say that more than once, I found myself on the precipice of making a life-altering mistake.

But each time, with no parental guidance whatsoever, I was able to carefully

back up, turn around, walk away.

Here I am today.

I have people's respect, I have their admiration.

I have control over one of the most respected institutions in the country.

Had I not been able to identify an approaching abyss, I'd be in a very different position today.

Mr. Trilby, I don't know, I don't even care why you've chosen to place yourself on this edge.

But I can assure you, take one step further, and life will become even more challenging than I'm sure it already is.

A nice threat, is that what that is?

It's a safe prediction. Losers lose, Mr. Trilby.

And that's what I am, huh?

Is that what I am, a loser?

If you quack like them and you walk like them, what would you be?

That's cute.

Just so you know, I didn't come here to lose. And I'm not gonna.

In the game I'm playing, I'm way ahead right now.

Okay. Whether you know it or not. So...

Thanks for the check-up.

Good, Guy!

Do you have a minute? Because I have that thing...

No. Sorry... that I need to discuss with you.

I'm kind of done with today. I'm just gonna drop this gift off to the kid and then I'm gonna hit the sack.

You bought him a present? Has the Grinch found his Cindy Lou Who?

That's from Dr. Seuss. I get it.

No, this is just a little bit of porn and some ice cream.

Oh, Santa would be proud. Can I get in, please?

Come on. Get a drink with me. No.

This is important I'll bet it's not.

You know, when somebody that you've been sleeping with says they'd like to speak with you, the least you could do is fake it.

Well... Come on.

Did I just wake up 10 years later? Are we married?

Please?

Don't flatter yourself.

I had something important to talk to you about.

Prick!

Sorry!

Good night!

Little fuckin' prick!

Dad, he's nothing.

He took me around to see the sights last night.

Something that you've never done, by the way.

Chaitanya, stay focused.

This man is your enemy.

Keep him close, but don't forget that. Remember Donnie Brasco.

Do you want to win?

Do you?

Yes.

Then keep him best friends so that he can't bear to beat you.

Dad, I know the plan.

Hey.

Hey.

You're pretending to be my friend just to My to win?

What? No, no!

No, no?

I just heard you and your dad talking, just outside the door there.

Let's all relax.

Eat shit, buddy. I'll hit you in the face. Okay?

You little fuck! I can't believe I was your goddamn mark!

It was my dad's idea, okay?

No, it wasn't. You're a little liar.

He felt you were the biggest threat. Great.

And you were. Yup.

Dad, I really like him.

You make me sick. You know that'?

I'm not doing the plan anymore.

I'm just being friends. Because we are now.

No, we're not. I didn't know we would be!

Really? I thought winning wasn't everything.

It isn't everything! Not now!

Sure sounds like it. You're a liar!

Guy, you showed me my first boobs.

What did he say?

Another lie. He's a lying machine.

Guy, please!

Please what?

My dad will be so disappointed in me if I lose!

I don't want that!

Well, tough shit.

I guess you're just gonna have to try to beat me now, huh.

And you can have this back.


Hello?

Hi, Chaitanya. This is Ingrid at the front desk.

Your father just called to say he's driving by, and if you can be in the lobby in one minute, he'll take you out for ice cream.

Really?


Todd!

Todd!


Los Angeles 911.

Hello? Is it an emergency?

Yes, this is an emergency.

What is the nature and the location of your emergency?

Please send the police to the Sportsman's Lodge Hotel right away.

What's the problem?

I just saw a man drag a teenager into his room, and she was screaming for help.

But as soon as the door shut, the screaming suddenly stopped.

LAPD. Open up.

What are you tryin' to do to me, you little bitch?

He's still got her in there. Open up, now!

Hold your tits. I'm coming.

Shit, get in there now. Break the door.

Little bastard.

At least they didn't press charges.

I'll be pressing the fucking charges.

It almost broke my goddamn face!

Guy, I've gotta talk to you about something.

I don't care how much of an asshole you are to me, I'm getting it said right now.

I've been doing some digging...

Would you stop walking for one second?

Jesus Christ! I'm kind of all you have.

Can't walk and talk?

What's wrong?

I found out who your father is.

Oh, okay.

Good for you.

I guess you're not as bad a reporter as I thought you were.

It took you a while, though, don't you think?

It was right there.

So that's what you're up to?

Yeah.

Couple of months ago, the day my mom died, she finally told me who he was and where he was, and...

And, um...

It pissed me off, obviously, so here I am.

He was just a traveling encyclopedia salesman and she was a waitress at a diner.

And she got pregnant and she told him, and he took off.

That's it? He never returned?

No.

He never called?

Nothin'.

So he has no idea who you are?

He has no clue. But he will.

As soon as I'm done embarrassing him and his precious spelling bee, Bill Bowman will never forget who I am.

And I think that that is just the bare minimum that a son can expect from his father, don't you?

Good digging. Did you park up here?

Mmm-hmm.

Dr. Bowman, I know that Director Deagan's resignation was as difficult for you as it was for her. Your thoughts?

She has served this tournament well for many years.

It's a tragedy that the frayed integrity of this year's tournament has touched her post as well.

I hope we can finish up now without any more casualties.

Profoundly stated.

Now let's begin this, the final round.

Ten competitors remain.

First up, Eric Tai from Shorewood, Wisconsin.

I'm gonna bust your nut.

I'm gonna fuckin' end you.

Inchoate.

Inchoate.

Can I have the definition, please?

"Not yet completed or fully developed, rudimentary."

"GUY". The closer I go! to the end, the more I thought about the goal.

And the more I thought about the win.

C-H-O-A-T-E. inchoate.

That is correct.

And once again, Chaitanya Chopra approaches the microphone.

He was here last year, and he hopes to bring it all the way to the finish line this year.

Well, he has company on that hope.

Tmesis.

Tmesis.

Definition?

"In grammar and rhetoric,"

"the separation of the parts of a compound word"

"now generally done for humorous effect."

"For example, 'abso-bloody-lutely.“"

Is the origin from the Greek "a cutting"?

Yes.

Tmesis. T-

M-E-S-I-S.

Tmesis. That is correct.

Quiet in the audience, please.

Mr. Trilby has certainly received his fair share of booing at this year's tournament.

Yes, another of this year's firsts.

Thank you.

Continuing.

Slubberdegullion.

Slubberdegullion?

Slubberdegullion.

Perfect. S...

I know the definition of that.

"A dirty, wretched slob."

Just like you, sir.

Was I supposed to hear that?

Yes, you were. Because that's what you are.

Madam, please. Or I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

You're gonna have to ask me to leave?

I think you should ask him to leave, huh!

Take it easy. Gentlemen' please.

You're telling me to take it easy?

We're trying to have a spelling bee!

You're bringing the cops. Ma'am, please...

No! No, no! He called my baby boy a cocksucker, and I will not repeat what he said to me about my vagina.

Okay, ma'am, that's it, we're going.

Nope. I'm not going. You have to carry me out.

No, I'm gonna sit here, I'm gonna stay here, and you're gonna have to work for it, you cocksuckers!

Because I have a beautiful, young, fully-elasticized vagina.

Don't take me out! Take him out!

Well, here's hoping that the guys in the truck found the seven-second button...

Take him out! Take him out!

Before you were all exposed to a category of words we're not accustomed to dealing with here at the Quill.

That's enough! That is enough!

This is the Golden Quill Spelling Bee.

We're on television in millions of homes.

Show some respect for the tournament.

And for me.

I believe the word was slubberdegullion.

That's correct. Slubberdegullion.

S-L-U-B-B-E-R-

D-E-G-U-L-L-I-O-N.

That is correct.

With the humiliation part taken care of and the favored child all but killed, maybe I already had my win.

Eric Tai.

Kopophobia.

Kopophobia.

Can I have the definition, please?

"Fear of exhaustion."

"Otherwise known as 'Lexicographefls Curse!"

Is it derived from the Greek kopos meaning "fatigue"?

Yes.

K-O-P-O-P-O-B-I-A.

No!

Oh, my. Eric knew that he left out the it's been a long, long day, and it's clearly taken its toll on him.

Well, well. I think you're gonna like this.

We're on the verge of history here, with 40-year-old Guy Trilby in the final two.

Parisology.

Parisology.

P-A-R-I-S-O-

L-O-G-

I-E.

Goodness me, what a dramatic turn of events here.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, quiet.

The rules dictate... Thank you. Quiet, please.

The rules dictate that because he's one of the final two, he remains onstage until his opponent correctly spells the next word.

I'm finished here. You take it. It's all yours.

Contestant 157.

Mr. Chopra, you are one word away from being the new Golden Quill champion.

Infinitesimally.

Infinitesimally.

Can I have the definition?

Yes. "Exceedingly small." infinitesimally.

I-N-F-I-N-I-T-E-S-I-M-A-L-

Y-

No, no. Hey.

Oh, my. I can't believe it.

Not again.

What happened?

What are you doing?

If you think everything I said was a lie, then I'll prove that it wasn't.

Ifs not about winning to me anymore.

It's about my friend. Buddy, I don't give a shit about that.

And I don't care about that either, with all due respect.

Very nice of you, very sweet. But I'm not here for that.

I'm not here for a fuckin' trophy or a check, or these idiots.

I hurt your feelings. And I wasn't a good friend. I'm sorry.

We're good.

Okay, next?

Rugose.

R-U-G-O-S. Ding it.

I'm finished! Let's go!

You're wasting my fucking time. Come on.

Pejorative.

P-E-J-O-R-A-T-E-V-E.

Pejorative.

It seems as though they're misspelling the words on purpose.

Will you just spell the fucking words?

That's all you've gotta do and you've got the tournament.

Same with you.

Chai-latte, get your shit together, you dumb dick!

Fuck you, Guy!

Nice. Great.

Dad, you've got a real prince here.

Yeah, he's a liar and he's swearing now.

It's a good combo. It's sweet.

One more word, please?

I did not lie! Got it?

I say that you did!

Got it?

Okay. This has turned ugly.

You can add violent to the list.

Your boy Gandhi would be real proud.

And by the way, I was born in Cleveland, Ohio!

Share your voice. We share your mind.

We show you extraordinary programs with extraordinary...

for 200 million...

I realty don? know what in say, America.

Dr. Bowman is conferring with the judges... addressing the audience.

Okay. I'll figure it out.

Watch your step.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, those of you at home and in attendance, I would like to extend my deepest apologies for what has devolved into an embarrassment, this year's competition.

The Golden Quill has always enjoyed an immaculate reputation of respectful, challenging and dignified behavior.

Until now.

Well, hopefully the end is near.

Gentlemen!

It has been decided that neither of you is going to be disqualified because...

It appears that both of you have conducted yourselves equally in a shameful manner.

So let's get on with this contest and finish it.

I'm gonna ask the audience to please remain silent.

Thank you.

And continuing...

Yeah. My turn.

Unguent.

Unguent? A-N-G-U-E-N-T. Ding it.

I can do this all night.

Go ahead.

Please, very carefully consider the word.

Callithump.

C-A-L...

Chaitan!

Please don't do this to us.

C-A-L...

Ifs the easiest word of the night.

C-A-L-l-T-H-U-M-P. It's simple, idiot.

No, you're the idiot. You forgot an All right! That's it! That's all!

You tried to help a fellow competitor cheat.

That is against the rules.

Sir, you are disqualified.

Doesn't matter. I misspelled it.

He corrected me.

Which means even though you tried to help him cheat, he wasn't cheating, and ended up technically spelling the word correctly on his own.

So he is the new champion!

No! Guy! Guy, you tricked me!

No, Guy!

Chaiwalla, go hug your chai-papa.

Guy, that's not fair!

Here's your trophy, Chaitanya. Congratulations.

And here's your check for $50,000!

And here's your lifetime supply of encyclopedias.

Guess that worked, huh'?

You're the new champion. How does it feel?

I don't consider myself the champion.

I consider myself the co-champion with Guy.

Guy!

It was totally unfair to disqualify you.

This is yours, too. You let me win.

And I want to give you half.

Plus, friends split things.

Right?


I don't know if! should have done things differently.

Like I said, I'm not good at a lot of things.

Maybe there should have been a screaming match.

A fight.

Maybe some tears.

But I guess I just want to move on

and lei you do the same.

What's done is done.

I can't change what happened.

AH I can do,

ah I want to do

is leave you with this apology.

This note, which started with me telling you that my feelings were”.

What the hell could you possibly write that I would be interested in reading?

There's a bit in there about me being your son.

Son.


And as much as I'd like to hurt your feelings and cal! you names, they're just words, and it wouldn't change a thing.

That's not what this note was (on.

Hopefully it has explained why I did what I did and maybe even have you understand.

If not, that's fine.

Yours literally, Guy Trilby.

Watch this.

Hey, spelling nerd. Yes?

Can you spell "douchebag"?

Of course.

How about you spell, "Pick up your books"?

That's a sentence!

Hey, Slumdog.

Wow!

Right? Get over here.

Where did you get this?

Got this old police car at an auction with my half of your winnings.

So thank you very much. You got me two cars in one month.

You're a nice guy.

Now, to pay you back, how about we go chase some bad guys?

I would love to.

Whoo! Hey!

Coming to get you!

This is awesome!

We're gonna so get them all!