Bagboy (2015) Script

Good evening, and happy holidays from my family to yours.

As a gift this holiday season, I am pleased to present the following program to you on behalf of the myer's super foods family.

It is brand-new situational comedy written, directed, and starting channel 5's Steven brule.

He promised me that it's going to be a hit, and my brother said, "how can you trust a man like that?"

And I told him to go to hell.

I don't give a what my son thinks about the show.

It's my personal project.

So enough about the whore of all my life and my family.

I begged of you, please enjoy the program.

Got to get these floors spick-and-span.

Mr. Myers like his floors sprick-as-fan.

Put a little elbow grease in it.

Ungh.

Unh.

Unh.

Ungh.

Dang it.

Really mopped myself into a corner this time.

Well.

A couple little footprints won't matter.

Aah!

Yah!

Auuuuuuugh!

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

My hip! Ohhhh!

I really... I really broke my hip.

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the bag *

* well, it's myer's super food, won't you come on down? *

* it's the super supermarket in the whole dang town *

* we got quality cans at an affordable price *

* and the workers, in my eyes, are so dang nice *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the bag *

* bag boy, bag boy

Excuse me.

Can you tell me where the bananas are?

Who are you...

Some kind of monkey?

Actually, I am.

I know.

He's, is one of monkees.

From the show "monkees."

Heh heh.

But the bananas are over there.

Thanks.

That's it.

That was the scene with Micky dolenz.

Next scene.

Okay.

Three cans is $3.

Thank you.

Hello, Mr. Prish-preed.

That's four of paper, two of coin.

I know.

Hey, Daisy, I've got two free v.i.p. Tickets for you for this week's dumpster dive, featuring me, "butter ball."

Wow, Mr. Prish-preed.

Thank you.

I'm Doug prish-preed.

I'll see you at the dumpster dive.

Steve!

Cans piling up over here.

Sorry, Daisy.

Sorry, Mr. Prish-preed.

I was helping some dang monkey find some brananas.

Hey, Daisy.

When you see me at the dumpster dive, I'll be going "hub! Hub!

Hub! Hub! Hub!"

Surprise.

I'm Doug prish-preed, the big boy with the butter.

Whoo-wee!

These are some nice-looking cans you got here, Mr. Prish-preed.

I know. And they're all mine.

Gimme that bag, boy.

How rude!

I don't blame him.

Those are some nice-looking cans.

Well, I can't wait for my shift to be over.

My feet are killing me.

But your shift just started.

Yeah.

Say, Daisy, I-I was wondering... after your s-shift is over, s-sometimes people like to go have a...A ice cream.

Or...

I...love you.

I wou... I would marry you.

Not just on this show, but...

Hey, Daisy.

Hey, Stan.

Hi, chip.

The name's Steve, chip.

Right.

Why can I never remember that?

'Cause you're a dang hunk.

That's why, you dangus.

Just laugh.

Say, Daisy, what are you doing after work tonight?

I don't know.

I was just gonna wash my hair.

Too bad.

I have tickets to see twisted chains tonight.

Wow. Really?

Attention, myer's employees.

There's a mandatory staff meeting in five minutes in the break room.

Please close your lanes now.

That sounds important.

Better hustle.

Please go out there.

Shut the door.

Okay, okay, everyone.

Let's make this quick.

We don't want to hold up the customers.

Wah. Broke another pencil.

Where was I?

Yes.

We have a surplus of puddle fish cans, so let's try and sell these.

Bad. Bad boy.

I'm just a bad...Clam man.

Ha ha. Heh.

Sorry, Pablo.

I...got to go home.

I got to punish myself.

I...got to spank myself for...breaking too many pencils.

Yes, you will go home and do your spanking, clam man.

Sorry, everyone.

This is how I am.

I just break everything in life.

Emergency. Emergency.

I have an emergency announcement.

There has been an increase in disgusting shoplifters recently.

We need to be more vigilant and reduce the number of thefts.

This is why I am offering 10 cans of myer's super foods to any employee who captures a shoplifter.

Whoooaaa!

Free cans.

I'm not talking about no damaged cans.

I'm talking about fresh, new cans.

Think of all those cans.

Wow!

Look at all of these cans.

I can't believe this is in my very own kitchen.

Whoa. I'm a lucky can boy.

Hope it's not a dream.

Fresh, new cans.

Thank you, jingus.

So many cans, and they're all mine.

Daisy's gonna go for a can man like me.

That's for sure.

Stevie, those cans look delicious.

What about Terry, the security guard?

Shouldn't he be responsible for catching these shoplifters?

Shut up, chip.

No one wants to hear from a dang hunk.

Easy, Steve.

The only thing we can count on Terry for is for constantly passing gas.

And for 40 winks.

I'll do my very best to catch a shoplifter for you, Mr. Myers.

I-I'll kill that shoplifter with my bare hands.

A-And I'll look out for you, too, Daisy.

It's not in the script, but I will.

Out of my way, clam boy!

Snouts and tails...

Horse meat...

Pork cube.

Gotcha!

My!

Sorry, Mrs. Livingstone.

You scared the out of me, you ing peasant!

I'm on a secret mission to catch a shoplifter.

I don't care what you're doing.

Just stop talking to me!

Mrs. Livingstone?

What the hell is it now?!

You should try the puddle fish.

It's a good canned fish.

One of the finest canned foods out there.

59 cents each.

Puddle fish.

I wouldn't even feed that to my slaves.

Where are you, shoplifter?

I'm gonna nab you and get my 10 cans.

Beautiful, like a Rose!

Shush up, dog.

I'm trying to concentrate.

What's your problem, James Bond?

Dog, don't you get it?

If I catch a shoplifter, I get a whole bunch of myer's cans for free... all the cans I know what to do with.

Any of those cans have my name on them?

They ain't dog food, dog.

Anyways, I can't see anything down here in the weeds.

I'm gonna get up on your perch.

But if I get a can...

If... can I... i-i-i-i-i...

Get a can?

Shh.

Shush, David. Just go down.

There's the best view of the whole house.

You can see right on TV, bag eyes.

What have we got here?

We got a live one.

Nah, that's cold, hard cash.

He's on the up-and-up.

Good job, Ron Don.

Ho ho!

Is that my mama?

She's putting a dang Turkey under her skirt!

Can't believe my mommy's a shoplifter.

Well. Still get my cans.

Ha ha.

Watch out, David.

Hold it right there, mommy.

I saw you were trying to steal a frozen Turkey.

Ain't no Turkey.

I brought you a brown-bag lunch.

Thank you, mommy.

You're my favorite boy.

Then say, "I care about your hunger, Steven, so I made you all of your favorite foods."

I care for your hunger, Steven.

That's why I...Brought you your favorite foods.

"I made you a nice hair pie sandwich with extra frosting."

Go.

I made you a nice hair pie sandwich with extra frosting.

See? Told you.

Mommy, you made my dreams come true.

I love you, son.

I love you so much, mommy.

Back to work.

Back to the old drawing board.

Let's see who's prowling around the store now.

That's just dirty old prish-preed.

He likes to see what's in the i-i-ingredients.

Whoa!

Wait a minute!

That boy stole candy.

Caught you red-handed, boy.

Freeze, boy!

Hey, Charlie.

Have you met Steve?

Steve, this is my little brother Charlie.

That's your little brother boy?

Hey, Steve.

Not getting anything today, Charlie?

No.

Okay.

Well, I'll see you at home.

See ya, Steve.

Yeah.

I will see you.

Hmmmmmm.

Go.

Well, you're in a real dilly of a pickle.

Don't I know it.

You could tell Mr. Myers, get your cans, and blow your chances with Daisy.

But she's my one true love.

She's the sunshine of my life.

I'm gonna marry Daisy.

Doctor and Daisy sitting in a tree.

K-r-l-l letter of snake.

I love you, Daisy.

Or you could not say anything and protect Charlie and keep your chances with Daisy alive!

Right, but no cans!

Rock, let me introduce you to a hard place.

A hard place, this is a rock.

Don't I know it.

That little red-headed rascal is giving me nothing but trouble.

Get down, doggie. Get down.

* tra-la-la, la-Dee-la Steve, who are you talking to?

Just whistling Dixie.

I hear you're doing a fine job working hard to catch those disgusting shoplifters.

Thank you, sir.

Any leads on any other filthy crooks?

Well...

Steve, this is my little brother Charlie.

That's your little brother boy?

Never mind.

Well, I want you to stay overnight.

Whoa. Sounds scary.

Will all the lights be off?

Yes.

What about all the horse ghosts, Mr. Myers?

Never mind them.

We need to catch these filthy shoplifters.

They may be sneaking in through the back.

But what about Terry, the security guard?

Will he be with me as backup?

Let's hope he's a night owl.

Not... not yet.

Not yet.

Just wait. I'll tell you.

All the way down.

Don't forget, Steve...

Protecting my fine horse meat is your number-one priority.

Yes, sir.

Don't let me down, bag boy.

I know.

I can taste those cans already.

Dang it!

I can't see a dang thing from this perch.

Gonna have to get down in the weeds and the shit.

If I'm gonna go on patrol, I'm gonna need some protection.

Aha!

Don't think Terry'll miss this dusty old six-shooter.

Come out, come out, wherever you are, shoplifters.

Ha ha!

Better come out.

I'm in charge.

You better get out.

Aah!

Whoa!

Who's there?

Dang it.

Just wrecked some perfectly good cans.

Well, I better get rid of this dang thing.

I better put this six-shooter back before Terry notices it's gone.

Hey, kids, don't be a dunce.

Never play with guns.

For your health.

Cowboy.

Time for a midnight snack.

Just gonna have a little snack and then take a quick nap.

That's good horse.

I could eat this horse till the cows come home.

Little bit of sawdust, but who cares?

It's from the stable.

Who am I kidding?

Doesn't matter how much horse meat I eat.

Daisy's still not gonna like me.

She likes that dang hunk chip.

I should just tell on that boy.

He needs a good spanking.

Maybe Mr. Myers will give me a promotion.

Then I'd have more cans than chip, and I would walk down the aisle with Daisy, and chip could go jump off a bridge.

But I can't let that sweet Charlie boy turn into a dang hunk, like chip.

He's a good boy... just needs to be set right.

I could treat him right, like the boy I never had.

Like the boy I never was.

What's that sound coming from brown the butcher's hutch?

Better go check it out.

Let's check it out.

Anybody home?

Hello, Steve.

Hi, brown.

Working late?

Yeah.

I'm trying to catch a shoplifter, but I already did.

He's just a boy.

He's Daisy's little brothe...

Oops.

Said too much.

I promised I wouldn't tell.

You mean this boy?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Brown, you got him strung up like a piece of dang meat.

Hello.

I'm Pablo Myers from myer's super foods.

We all know and love toad's brand creamed chip beef.

But did you know toad's i-is also responsible for toad's brand canned whipped bacon?

Yum.

I know it's pretty big news.

What an exciting day to be a myer's super food shopper.

I am Myers man.

I think I'll take my boning knife, I'll cut him, I'll gut him, and I'll quarter him, and I'll sell it as horse meat.

Mnh-mnh-mnh!

Aw, come on, brown.

He's just a boy.

Even boys make mistakes.

He just needs to learn his lesson.

I'm not doing it to teach him a lesson.

I'm doing it for the joy of killing.

Ha ha ha.

I want to taste that meat.

Yeah, it could be good meat.

What do I know?

Brown, if you spare this boy, I'll give you 10 cans of myer's finest foods.

20.

15.

20.

25.

Deal.

Nice doing business with you, brown.

You run a tough bargain.

I want those cans by tomorrow morning.

Come on, boy.

You're safe now, little boy.

What's going on in here?

Whoa.

Look who woke up.

I'm trying to shoot you, but there's no bullets.

Where the heck are all my bullets?

I dunno.

Couldn't have been me.

Shh!

Thanks for saving me, Steve.

You're welcome, boy.

But listen, you have to promise me, boy... no more stealing.

Stealing is bad.

You have to try to grow up to be a good boy.

Good boys grow up to be cool guys, not dumb hunks, like that dingus chip.

He's always trying to get in my business and mess around with me and Daisy.

And I hate that chip.

I wish brown would cut him up, put h in a can, and make creamed chipped chip.

Tell you what... if you don't tell on me, I'll put in a good word in with my sister.

Really?

I saw the way you looked at her.

Well...

I am kind of sweet on her.

It's a deal.

Deal.

Bye, Steve.

Thanks for everything.

So long, boy.

Sure is good to have a new friend name of Charlie.

Well, Steve?

Catch anyone last night?

No, sir.

Well, I've decided to give you 10 cans for doing such a good job and staying late.

Really?

Wow! Thanks, Mr. Myers.

Scott clam...S!

Here you go, Stevie.

Here's the damaged cans.

I don't know how the...

Bullet holes got there.

Neither do I.

Give me those cans, clam.

Thanks for the cans, Mr. Myers.

Hope brown doesn't mind getting damaged cans.

Keep up the good work.

Excuse me, sir.

I would like to thank you for shopping in my store.

It's my family's store.

What do I do now?

Am I still the clam man?

Yes.

You just turn around and walk over there.

Hi, boy.

Hey.

Did you talk to your sister yet, boy?

Don't worry, Steve.

I'll tell her that you're the most handsome bag boy.

Thanks, old-timer.

Anything for you, Steve.

You're a crool crowboy in my book.

Pshow pshow!

Pshew pshew!

Is that your mama pushing you, boy?

Yes, but I don't care for her.

She's pretty, too.

I don't know if you have a daddy.

Maybe I could marry your mommy.

Pshow pshow!

Well, if I have time, I'll put in a good word with my mama, too.

Pshew pshew!

Aye-aye, captain.

Bye, bag boy.

* bag boy, bag boy Well.

Look who finally decided to grace US with his presence.

Mr. Myers, I'm so sorry for coming in late this morning.

What is the name of this store?

Myer's super food.

That's right.

And when your name is on it, then you can show up whenever you want.

Your rear's gonna be cherry-red like a sports car when I'm through with you.

Come with me into the break room for a big spanking.

Ha ha, chip.

Now you're gonna get in trouble.

Even hunks can't be late.

Ha ha.

Your bottom's gonna be cherry-red.

Ha ha.

Hey, kids.

Don't be late.

Respect your elders.

Don't be a Turkey.

For your health.