Bah Humduck!: A Looney Tunes Christmas (2006) Script

♪ Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ Merry Christmas, everybody.

I know rabbits are normally associated with Easter, but me, I'm all about the winter holidays.

If you ask me, there's no better time to come out of your own little hole and celebrate the spirit of giving with everybody you see.

Hey!

Watch where you point that thing, you big palooka!

Good morning, Mr. Duck.

I told that pig to be here.

What do I look like? An ATM?

Why is it around the holidays every vagrant thinks they're entitled to hit up hardworking businessmen?

Hey, doc, that's no way to treat those less fortunate.

Where's your sense of holiday spirit?

Who asked you to butt in, long-ears?

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, ♪ ♪ la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ Happy holidays, Mr. Duck.

We're collecting donations for needy families.

Well, that's an interesting spin on trespassing, pandering, and illegal solicitation!

Scram, before I send you all to elf prison!

Now, that's the kind of holiday jingle I like to hear!

Talk about easy money.

♪ Tis the season ♪ ♪ to get wealthy ♪

♪ Moo-la-la-la-la, ♪ ♪ greenbacks cash ♪

♪ Money and a shiny bucket ♪

♪ I will add it ♪ ♪ to my growing… ♪


Huh?

Thank you for watching my bucket, Mr. Duck.

Security! Security! I've been robbed!

Security! Get over here and step on it!


Note to self.

Choose words carefully when berating the security guy.


Attention, everybody, it's the busiest day of the year.

No eating on the job, Coyote.

Wake up and smell the coffee, Fudd!

What does he think this is, a holiday?

Home sweet home. How I miss you at the holidays.

Stop daydreaming, space boy.

And triple the price on everything.

Parents are suckers this time of year.

You have no need pour le parfume, my Christmas kitty.

You smell of the sweetest garden in the bloom of the spring.

Hey, Casanova, that's not what I meant when I said "woo the customers."

Watch the master.

Take my advice, tuna breath.

Buy a quart of the expensive stuff and gargle with it.

Hello, my sweet, you are new, non?

Merry Christmas, Senor Duck.

Or as they say in my country, Feliz Navidad!

Tonto.

What did you call me?

Tonto. It means, uh, "genius" in Spanish.

Well, in that case, I guess I'm the biggest tonto in the world.

Finally. A little respect.

Now where's that assistant manager gone this time?

Mr. Assistant Manager?

Move it, lazybones!

Assistant Manager Porky Pig reporting for… For service, sir.

Nice footwork, twinkle hooves.

Mr. Assistant Manager, your boss wants to see your butt this instant!

Be careful what you ask for.


Eh, what's up, duck?

Care for a candy cane?

Stop snacking on store merchandise, mister, or I'll see to it that you're arrested for stealing.

You might wanna stay away from the "s" words until you work through that little spitting problem of yours.

M-M-M-Maybe you could see a speech… specialist.

You are demoted to Assistant Assistant Manager.

And you are messing with the wrong duck, mister.

Well, I guess I could just take my last minute shopping list elsewhere.

We rabbits are very "prodigical" when it comes to having big families.

I've never liked families. But I do love money.

So shop till you drop, and don't forget to pay for the candy canes!

Oh, I intend to, Duck.

But before I make my final purchases, I'm gonna need a second opinion on a few items.

I don't have the time to… What about these earmuffs for my aunt Bunny and these ski goggles for my cousin Franz?

How about this magic fairy dress-up costume for my niece Betty?

And how about this pacifier for Baby Bunny?

And this bowling ball for my uncle Peter?

Okay. Fun's over.

You… You… Customer or no customer, get out of my sight!

Out! Out! Out!

For shame. For shame.

Has your holiday spirit flown south for the winter?

In case you haven't noticed, I hate the holidays!

You don't say? Well, bah, humduck!

"Bah, humduck"? I like that!

Bah, humduck.

If I were you, I'd be careful, Duck.

Bad things happen to people who mess with Christmas.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Well, if they're really bad, and I think you fit the bill, they get visited by the ghosts of Christmas.

I'm not afraid of ghosts. In fact, I'm not afraid of anything.

Except perhaps low quarterly profit projections and personal intimacy.

So again I say, bah, humduck!

Sir, now that you've finished with your daily… abuse, I was wondering if I could ask a favor.

Do I know you? Y-Y-Y-Yes, sir.

I'm your Assistant Assistant Manager.

Do I like you?

You don't really like anyone, sir.

I remember you now.

And you're right, I don't like you.

That said, sir, I've worked very hard for you all year long and well, my daughter Pricilla, really, really wants that Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll for Christmas.

It's all she talks about, sir.

She's my only daughter and I love her so much.

I really would like to buy it for her.

But since you tripled the price, I can't afford it.

Can't afford it, huh? What if you stopped eating?

I don't eat much as it is, sir.

I can't on my salary.

Then how do you explain the big pink gut, pork chop?

Uh, I'm a pig, sir.

You said it, I didn't. Oh, uh, please, sir!

It's the… It's… Hold that thought.

But it's Christmas.

Hmm.

Profits are good, but we could do better.

What do you think, hovering cat guy?

Yikes!

Do my eyes deceive me or am I being visited by… Sylvester the Cat. Alias Sylvester the investor.

Unscrupulous CEO of the super-successful Cat's Meow Superstores.

You. You were my idol, my inspiration.

Say, you're… Deceased? A spirit? A ghost?

Why, yes, I am.

I have been so since last Christmas Eve when a disgruntled employee squashed me with a forklift.

Nine times.

That's what I said. But it was a fitting end for me, Duck.

You see, I was like you.

Small-minded, selfish, and seriously greedy.

And if you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like yours truly.

Not a chance.

I'd never be stupid enough to buy my employees a forklift.

You're missing the point.

You need to start putting other people's needs in front of the almighty dollar.

Yes. It's going to hurt at first.

But it's your only hope.

Before the night is through, you'll be visited by three more ghosts.

Each more terrifying than the last.

Each on a quest for your very soul!

Change, Daffy. Before it's too late.

Wait a minute. This is some kind of trick. Who put you up to this?

Was it the rabbit? Or did my subordinates hire you to scare me into treating them with some dignity?

You're doomed.

Doomed!

What's up, Duck?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

What are you doing here?

I asked the little guy in the helmet downstairs if he knew of any cheap skates and he sent me up here.

Out! Out! Out!

I'm okay. I'm all right.

Beep beep!

There's something about that sound you make.

It just plain jangles my nerves.

Ouch!

Well, looky here. It's a Christmas present just for me.

And it's from my favorite person. Me.

My very own Task-Master 7000 Smart Office Remote.

Thank you, me.


Huh?

What is it, Fudd?

Ouch!

Well, what is it, Fudd?

Sorry to bother you, sir, but I've worked 37 straight triple shifts, Mr. Duck.

Yeah, yeah, get on with it.

I'm delirious, sir.

I can't keep my eyes open.

Drink espresso. Pinch yourself. Just get back to work!

Who does he think he…

I am so very homesick, Mr. Duck.

Well, get back to work.

But it's Christmas Eve and I miss my family.

I long to hang garland on the laser annihilator cannon.

Okay, I think I can arrange it.

Oh, goodie, goodie.

Bon voyage, space boy.

Oh! You make me so very angry!

I need to speak with you, Mr. Duck.

As Assistant Assistant Manager, I feel it's my… duty to speak on behalf of all the ironically named Lucky Duck employees.

I've already, quote-unquote, taken care of the others.

So, if there isn't anything else… Well, sir, I'd like to take tomorrow off so I can spend Christmas Day with my little daughter Pricilla.

What is it with you and your daughter?

You act like you're her father or something.

She's my little girl, sir, and, well, with her mother gone, I'm all the family she has.

Please, sir. Just show a little Christmas spirit.

I'd like to, Pig, I really would.

But how would it look to the other employees?

You can't always be thinking of yourself.

Now stop your sniveling and go assistant-assistant manage something!

We still have last minute shoppers to exploit.

But, sir, what do I tell my little Pricilla?

Tell her, bah, humduck!


Who needs a white Christmas when you can have a green one instead!

Whoa! Time flies when you're getting rich!

It's a good thing I don't pay overtime.

Attention, Lucky Duck shoppers!

For your convenience, our store will reopen at 5:00 a.m. on Christmas morning and will remain open till midnight.

You owe your thanks to the dedicated Lucky Duck employees who live to serve me.

Uh, you.

Hey, fuzz-face. Don't forget to punch out.

I asked for that.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Duck. See you in a few hours.

Three more ghosts.

Three more ghosts.

Boo.

You thought I was a… Why are you still here?

I'm still here because there's this big snowdrift blocking the exit.

That means I'm locked in here with you till 5:00 in the morning.

Look on the bright side.

We can sing carols, make hot cider, and string popcorn on the tree.

I thought you said there was a bright side.

Hey, come on. Don't you want some company?

What with the ghosts lurking around?

Oh, what is with you and this ghosts thing anyway?

How do you know so much?

I'm a holiday expert.

I love them so much that I've made it a point to learn everything there is to know about them.

For instance, did you know that poinsettias were originally imported from Mexico? Hmm?

Or that Santi Claus was born in Turkey, which, of course, is normally associated with… Stop! Say one more word and I start splitting hairs!

I'm gonna lock myself in my office for the night and roll around in my money.

Don't let anyone past you who floats or says boo.

Boo.

Stupid long-eared bunny. "Santa Claus originated from Turkey, "poinsettia imported from Mexico…"


A silver-haired septuagenarian and a sparrow.

How scary can they be?

You've been a bad, bad birdy.

You should be ashamed!

Oh, please.

If that's the best you've got… Bad!

Bad!

Bad!

Whoa there, silver fox mama!

It's time for you to examine your life, Mr. Duck, starting from the beginning.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane.

What if I refuse?

Lead on.

The Lucky Duck Orphanage?

This is my unhappy childhood.

Am I a ghost, too?

Not yet, but you're working on it.

Okay, little ones.

It's time to meet your prospective parents, so be on your best behavior.

Oh! Oh! Pick me!

My name is Daffy and I'm special and colorful.

I'm multi-talented.

And I'm potty-trained!

Uh, for the most part.

And I'm smart and loving and I'm honest and I'm trustworthy!

And I'm… I'm… Alone. Just like every Christmas.

I'm sorry, Daffy, but at least you'll get to spend another year here at the Lucky Duck Orphanage.

I don't want to stay here.

I just want a family.

Now I see how you came up with the pathetically ironic name of your store.

I can also see how you became the nasty, selfish, cruel, cold-hearted, pathetically narcissistic, dirty bad duck that you are today.

Thanks. I think.

That doesn't excuse you for ruining Christmas for Porky's little daughter and all of your employees.

Now, what have you learned from your visit to Christmas past?

That life is cruel and the only way to survive is to be as selfish as possible?

Try again.

Before anyone gives me another swat on the noggin, I have a proposition to make.

We're listening.

What say we use this time-travel gimmick of yours to hit last night's ninth race at the track?

We put a boatload of money on a long shot named Limpin' Larry and walk away rich, huh?

He'll never change, Granny.

That was despicable.

I hate to ruffle your feathers, Mr. Duck, but your 2:00 a.m. appointment is here.

A Mr. Ghost of Christmas Present.

Oh, no! Not again! Not so soon!

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, you greedy little holiday-wrecking varmint!

That's only part of who I am. I'm actually quite complex.

I'm just supposed to take you on a little tour, but you're so lowdown, I'm gonna whomp you first!

Thanks for making me feel special.

Just for future reference, I'm not capable of passing through solid objects.

You're just not trying hard enough! Grab onto my robe, varmint.

Just don't let go.

This is gonna hurt.

I told you not to let go.

Now look what your actions has caused!

Ah! A Fudd-sicle!

There's a lot more to see, you mangy varmint.

Cheap holiday sentiment.

Dragged through a toilet. The final indignity.

I begs to differ, critter. This is the final indignity.

So, tomorrow's Christmas.

I'm so excited.

Do you think I'll get the Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll I asked for?

Gee, Pricilla, I… It's the only thing on my list.

And I've been really good all year long.

Yes, you have.

You've been the best daughter ever.

Daddy? Why do you think Mr. Duck is so mean?

Uh… I think it's because he doesn't have a family to spend Christmas with, like you and me.

Look, that's the Christmas star.

Make a wish before you go to sleep.

I wish for my Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll, but even more, I wish my daddy didn't have to go to work tomorrow so we could spend Christmas Day together.

Ditto.

Why can't you just give the sweet little thing her dolly?

You don't need the money!

You have a firm grasp of guilt, Mr. Ghost, but you just don't understand the first thing about greed.

Why, you… How'd you like to ride back to your office on the end of my foot?

A lovely offer, but I think I'll pass.

♪ O Christmas tree, ♪ ♪ O Christmas tree ♪

♪ Thy candles ♪ ♪ shine out brightly! ♪

You look terrible.

If I didn't know better, I'd think you'd been beaten about the head with a candy cane, dragged through the toilet, and kicked in the tail feathers with a size 10 boot.

That's not the half of it.

I'm starting to crack, rabbit.

Just a few minutes ago, I was watching this little kid wishing on the Christmas star and I almost felt… something.

No. You?

Does that mean you're willing to mend your greedy ways?

I said I felt something, not insanity.

Well, that's a shame, because I hear the last ghost is a real doozy.

Wait! There's another ghost?

Well, that's my cue to leave. Good luck in the afterworld.

No! Please! Don't go! Hide me! Please! Hide me!

How can I possibly resist?

Quick. In here.

No, in here.

Too obvious.

In here.

This is just too easy.

I know. Over here.

Duck!

Mummy.

Listen, Mr. Ghost, I'm not sure exactly what you're after… You!

I don't know what they're paying you down at the ghost company, but whatever it is, I'll triple it!

Where are we?

Christmas future.

Try that again and this time, enunciate.

Christmas future!

Well, I don't mean to tell you your business, mumbles, but I think you've got the wrong holiday.

This place has a distinctly Halloweeny vibe to it.

Who's the stiff taking a dirt nap?

Mr. Daffy Duck never had a family, or friends for that matter.

But maybe now he'll finally get what he always wanted.

To be alone with his money, forever.

Surely I did some good for others.

I know, I provided them with gainful employment.

Daffy tried to leave his store to himself in his will, which, of course, is illegal.

As a result, Lucky Duck has been closed and we're all out of jobs.

But for the first time in years, we can all spend Christmas with our families.

Good-bye, Mr. Duck.

Or as you liked to say, bah, humduck.

Please! Do something!

I don't want to end up lonely and alone.

Now, that was just plain rude.

Mr. Daffy? I know everybody hated you.

But I never hated you.

Because I know as much as anyone how sad and angry it can make a person to be without family at the holidays.

So, if you're up there watching, or down there, in your case, I want you to know that you don't have to be one anymore.

'Cause from now on, every Christmas, I'll come visit you.

In case you don't know, it's the one day of the year when everyone is family.

I made you some Christmas cookies.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Duck.

You know, mumbles, I said I was sorry before.

But now I really am.

Can I please have second chance?

Go!

I'm alive! I'm okay!

More importantly, I'm a changed duck, filled with the spirit of giving!

Fudd, Fudd? Thaw, Fudd! Thaw!

What day is it?

Christmas Day.

Then I haven't missed it.

I'm giving you a raise and a month-long vacation in sunny Hawaii!

But first, we've got work to do. Come on!

It's time to save Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Marvin!

I bought you a rocket so you can fly home for the holidays!

If you travel at the speed of light, you should make it by yesterday!

Oh! You make me very happy!

You'll never be hungry again, Coyote.

I'm hiring you your own personal chef!

Hey, Speedy! Merry Christmas!

Or as they say in your country, fleas and eggnog!

Eh, it's close enough.

A Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll for the pretty, pretty piggy.

And Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll accessories, complete with Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll pony and Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll dream house.

And that's not all!

I'm giving your dad, I mean my new store manager, and all my other loyal employees a raise and a paid vacation!

Are you okay, sir?

I'm better than okay.

After all these years of greed and selfishness, I finally feel like… A lucky duck!

It's a miracle, Daddy.

Yes, dear, a miracle.

Sir, I know you don't have a regular family, but today, we'd like you to be a part of ours.

In case you don't know, that's what Christmas is all about, Mr. Duck.

Aw.

I say… I say, son… Huh?

Presents, cash bonuses, improved health coverage.

I'm gonna go broke!

I gotta think of a strategy to reverse the situation.

Should I steal back all the presents?

Should I cut everyone's salaries?

I gotta concentrate.

Excuse me, sir. Would you like a cookie?

Merry Christmas, Uncle Daffy.

Uncle? Well, that may be pushing it a little… Okay. Uncle Daffy it is.

The varmint did it. He plum turned hisself around.

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come happy.

Everyone, can I have your attention?

I want to propose a toast to Mr. Daffy, the… The greatest boss ever.

Merry Christmas!

Don't you just love the holidays?

That's all, folks!