Balls Out (2014) Script

You ready?

Let's go.

And, this is it.

Months of intense competition, blood, sweat and tears, all boil down to one final game.

The Panthers have had an unbelievable season.

But they'll need to pull out all the stops to conquer the Titans tonight.

Intramural sports don't get much more exciting than this.

Hi, I'm Bill Costas, here, with my color commentary counter-cultural counterpart, Dan Albert.

We are here, at the IM championships.

Dan, what do you think about tonight's match-up?

It's gonna be a doozy, Bill.

The Panthers, led by Caleb Fuller and his best bud, Grant Rosenfalis, have had a Cinderella season, coming out of nowhere to become a top competitor.

And we see them warming up right now with some callisthenic chugging.

Ah, the joys of having a baby bladder and a young liver.

Absolutely. But, I wouldn't count out Dick Downs and his Titans.

They have been literally unstoppable all season long. Killing it.

Yes, and the smell of sexual and emotional repression is literally wafting from the Titan's sidelines.

Butt kicks! I want those heels in your ass!

Hey. Good luck.

God!

I don't know who you think you are, Fuller.

This is football, not a goof-off game of butt-chugging with the bros.

You guys do that?

Of course, I butt-chug. Everybody butt-chugs.

What are you talking about? It gets you drunk quicker.

And when would you be doing this?

At a party, in a room with your buddies.

I don't know any person who does that...

Stop talking about butt-chugging! This is football.

Relax, man. It's just intramurals.

Heads.

I'm gonna kill you.

What? Mount.

Bye.

And that... And that's the note you wanna leave on?

Got it!


It's do or die, Bill, and with just three seconds left on the clock, the Panthers will try for one more play to pull out a miracle.

This is it, cum junkies.

Do not mess up or I will smash your faces in with bricks.

I will go after...

Look, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna run the triple-Z, okay?

Vinnie, you're gonna give me the pitch. Cool.

Chance, I need a lot of coverage from you, okay? Yes, sir.

Grant, you're getting the pass.

You give me the ingredients, I'll cook the soup.

Okay. Ready? One, two, three.

Z! Z!

Butt-chuggers!

Watch 42. Watch 42.

You're mine, turd biscuit.

Bogey, 20.

Eye of the tiger, men, thrill of the fight.

Randy, read your keys.

Set. Hut!


Touchdown, Panthers. Wow, Rosenfalis held onto it!

What a play!

Yeah!

Hold on. Something's wrong, Bill.

Rosenfalis is not moving. He could be hurt.

You hate to see this, Dan.

Grant. Are you okay?

I can't feel my penis.

Somebody call a doctor! What about your legs?

Who cares? I can't feel my balls. My boys.

Get out of my way, I'm a doctor. I can't feel either of them.

I'm a doctor. All right.

Now, son, tell me, can you feel this?

No. No.

I can't feel anything.

I'm sorry, he's been paralyzed from the balls down.

Sorry for your loss.

Oh, God! What? He's just leaving?

All right, okay. Oh, God.

Stay with me, okay?

Caleb, it's more than just intramurals.

It's more than a game.

Promise me you won't give up.

What? Promise me!

I promise.

Promise me.

I just did. No, I promise.

Promise me...


Here you go, fellas.

Hey, Hank.

Me and some of the guys are playing football in a minute. You down?

Yeah, I can't.

Look, I can't actually play if I don't bring someone else. They won't let me.

And please don't make me go to Home Depot and get another day laborer.

Last time I did that, Enrique broke his ankle and then he got deported.

Well, I'm really sorry to hear about Enrique, but I gotta study.

We're seniors, dude. What do you have to study for?

We are fifth-year seniors. And I gotta study for the LSAT.

Dude, I didn't know you wanted to be a urologist.

Lawyer. I wanna be a lawyer.

Wait. Did that she-demon put you up to this?

Her name is Vicky.

She's terrible. Break up with her.

Come on, she's nice to me, man.

She's got that look, man.

What look?

That look...

Like she wants to nail gun your nutsack to a concrete wall of commitment.

And you know, one night, you weren't here, but she spent an hour describing her glitter art and how it was inspired by 9/11.

Okay. You know what, go play your little game.

Okay, I'm just gonna have to pretend that you didn't just call football, the sport that built this nation, a little game.

And I will pretend that I didn't find a copy of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants in your Road House DVD case.

You have the upper hand this time.

Gotta get to Home Depot.

West's Business Law. You and me, forever.

The bitch is here.

Okay, Hank.

Hi!

Guess what I got for Dancing with the Stars tonight?

Um...

Peppermint Schnapps, cottage cheese, algae balls.

Uh... Okay. Cool.

What, are you not gonna watch?

No, I'm just, well, studying.

You know, take the LSAT.

Oh, my God. I'm so proud of you for finally committing to it. Good job.

Yeah, gotta...

Oh, thanks. Gotta have a career, you know.

Speaking of which, Father is throwing me a birthday party at the club tomorrow night.

I thought he was still in New York working.

No, no. He got the microwave company off.

They don't owe the children's shelter anything.

Wow.

Uh, can't wait to meet him.

You know, if it goes well, I think that, probably, he could put in a good word for you at Harvard.

Harvard? Harvard.

Wouldn't you want to spend a few years with me in Cambridge?

That... That is an option, isn't it, huh? Maybe?

Yeah.

You're such a good boyfriend.

Oh. Oh.

If you wanna take a study break, I TiVoed the new gynecology reality show, Lip Service.

Wow.

Fascinating stuff.

Wow, I did not know it would be this...

Elegant. I know, I'm dying.

Daddy! That's Daddy.

Daddy. Thank you for my party.

Oh, my pleasure, honey.

Oh, and this must be the Callum I've been hearing so much about.

Caleb, sir. Yep, but it is a pleasure to be meeting you.

I'm gonna BRB. Uh, just network or do whatever. Okay.

So, I hear you wanna be a lawyer.

Well, I'm gonna shoot straight with you, Callum, because I am a straight shooter.

Now, Vicky tells me you're a bright kid, but we turn away a lot of bright kids at my firm.

We interviewed this Eagle Scout last week.

Beat cancer when he was 15.

Started a non-profit for cancer patients and raised over $6 million.

Then went to Harvard and scored a perfect GPA.

We didn't give him an offer. You wanna know why?

Uh, why?

He was ugly. A really face-melter.

I mean, I get sick thinking about him.

But you, you're a good-looking kid.

Bet I could bounce a bouillon cube off your butt.

Um, thank you.

So, you get a 178 on your LSAT and maintain at least a 3.8 GPA, then, in three years, you can work for me. Starting salary is $180K.

Whoa. Heh heh.

You look overwhelmed.

Uh, no. No, sir. Just, lot of ifs.

So, buckle down. Your job now is to make sure your future is set.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to my party.

Daddy, I know this is only the fourth birthday of mine that you've been able to physically attend, but I'm sure it's gonna be a special one.

Love you, honey.

And I love you. Um...

Okay. Speaking of special, there's also a new man in my life who's pretty special himself.

Um...

Uh, Vicky, we don't need to... Okay.

Caleb, the last five-and-a-half months of our courtship have been magical, and you're clearly taking steps to ensure our future and so, today on my birthday, this day of days, will you bestow upon me the greatest gift that can be bestowed upon a woman, and that is, Caleb Fuller, will you marry me?

Caleb.

Cold concrete wall of commitment.

Caleb?

Caleb? Yeah?

He said yes!

Uh...

Smart choice, kid. You got a bright future ahead of you.

Heads up!

Hey, sorry, man...

Vinnie? Caleb?

Yo! Ho ho! What's up?

How you been? It's been ages.

Yeah, yeah, like four years. How are you?

I'm great, man, I'm great. Never been better.

Cool. You about to graduate?

Yeah. From college.

Right. Yep.

What about you? How you been?

I'm good, I'm good. Just, you know, studying for the LSAT.

Gynecologist, nice.

Lawyer.

Wait a second. I see you've been moonlighting as a jewel thief.

Oh, yeah. Got engaged.

What? Yeah.

Congratulations.

Yep.

So, I see you're still throwing.

Ah, well, yeah, I just throw the ball around sometimes, you know.

Cool, man, cool. Who you throwing with?

Nobody.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah. Nobody.

I just try to hit people, you know, and just pretend it was an accident.

It's good, clean fun.

Good, clean fun.

Watch, watch, watch. You see this guy? Look at that asshole.

Ready?

Aim's a little off, but still got a hell of an arm. Thanks, bro.

Anyway, you wanna go throw a little bit? Or, catch up or something?

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know a better place, though. Yeah, sweet.

Yo, a little ball help.

Yes! Nailed it!

Look at him.

Who did this?

Vinnie, when you said you knew somewhere better to throw, I thought you meant, you know, where we could...

Together. Yeah.

Got it. Right. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, let's go.

Ball help.

Yeah, so, after the team broke up freshmen year, I started quarterbacking for the Penguins, but they gave me the boot after we lost six in a row.

Ooh. You still play?

No.

No, I kind of lost interest after the...

Yeah.

Plus, school's intense.

I understand, man, I understand.

You gotta get serious about life sometime, right?

Yeah.

You keep in contact with any of the guys from the old team?

No.

Although, I do think I saw Grant get maced on an episode of Cops once.

Oh, do you remember that time that Grant pissed in George's water bottle and he told him it was Gatorade?

Yeah.

No, no, no. You remember the time that we pissed in Jimmy's chicken soup, and we told him it was chicken broth?

Yes. Yes, the look on his face, man.

Awesome.

Oh, man. Pissed on a lot of stuff back then.

Best year of college.

Best year of my life, man.

Hey, this might sound crazy, but what do you think about getting the old team back together?

Oh, my goodness. Are you okay? Are you okay?

Ooh.

She's not moving. She's not moving.

We should relocate.

She's not moving!

Were you serious back there? About getting the old team back together?

Uh, yeah, let's do it.

What about Grant?

I got just the guy.

So you guys went to the intramural championship your freshmen year?

Yeah.

What happened?

We won. On the last play.

Wow.

Okay.

And now you wanna get the band back together.

The big issue is that we lost all contact with the guys.

I mean, I haven't seen Vinnie since freshmen year.

No, we don't know where anybody lives or even if they're still in school, so...

But you remember their names, right?

Because the university website gives you current contact info for all registered students.

That's how I stalk all the hot freshmen girls.

A little knock, knock, "Welcome to class," tap that ass.

Nice.

So, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, that we should use the university's website to get all the current contact information for all the guys.

And attempt to convince them to join the intramural football team.

Dude, you're not supposed to answer a rhetorical question.

So, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking.

Jimmy Harris. Calm yet intense.

Perfect under pressure and a real-life cowboy.

Look out!

Dude, what's he doing? That horse is gonna kill him.

She's out of control.

Buttercup.

Wow.

Good utility player and an amazing student of the game.

Oh, forgive the mess. I'm working on my thesis.

What is it?

I'm currently trying to find the number in between three and four.

Between three and four? Yes.

Haven't you just ever had a gut feeling that there was a number right in between three and four?

You mean, like Pi? No!

Not like Pi.

Okay.

Chance Gilman. The lone wolf wide receiver.

We called him Magic Man because he could make magic on the field and he was a bit of an amateur magician.

Now tell me. Is this your card?

How in the hell did you do that?

That's called street magic, Rafa.

You wouldn't comprende.

I'll show you street magic.

Go on. Go ahead. Show me your magic.

Show me your magic!

Put the knife down, man. Put the knife down.

What knife?

This white boy's crazy!

And that's how you do magic in the streets.

What about Grant?

Leave that to me.

Hey, Grant.

It's me, Caleb.

I brought you the Rocky Criterion Collection on laser disc, man.

Purest of formats, like you always said.

Look, man, I'm getting the old team back together.

Can't do it without you.

Why don't you check the cemetery?

Grant Rosenfalis has been dead for the last four years.

Leave a message after the beep.

Beep!

I just wanna talk to you, bud.

Beep... All right.

Well... It's out here if you want it.

You took a breath in the beep. I know it's your voice.

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and go blow yourself.

If these guys are anything like they were four years ago, they'll be chomping at the bit to get the team back together.

...he's having a hard time!

What makes you think after four years, we should put this team back together?

Come on. You remember all the fun times we had.

Georgie, the night that we whizzed on you when you were sleeping?

You guys pissed on me while I was asleep?

Yeah.

You don't do that to a friend, guys.

I never understood what was so cool about pissing on everything.

Look, we were all a bunch of stupid punks back then.

It was fun, but we're grown-ups now.

Caleb. I got dresses. Ah!

And you're having a party.

Hey, babe. Just hanging with the boys.

Could I talk to you outside?

Am I on crack, or are we supposed to be planning our nuptials?

Uh, yeah. No...

How are we supposed to decide what flavor of edible tanning solution your groomsmaids are gonna wear if you're hosting a seance of freaks?

It's football.

Babe, I need this.

You need? What do you mean, you need?

You don't need it. What do you mean?

No, like...

Do you understand the pressure that I am under?

What's all this? What's going on? This goddamn wedding. I'm...

Why are you shaking? There's just too much to do and it's making me... I can't stop shaking.

You're just moving your hands, honey. Come on.

I can't stop.

Babe, I need a release.

You know... From the studying... Okay.

And then you and me on the same page again.

Yeah? Okay. Okay.

But do you promise it won't get in the way of us, please?

Yes. Yes, I do. I do.

Oh!

You better get used to saying that.

Braid my hair.

Oh, I'll braid your hair before I break your face, bro.

Oh, horse whisperer's got some spunk, huh?

You wanna go eight seconds with me?

I only need six.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Desperados, slow it down.

Springsteen, what is the deal?

Loosen the bandana, Hank.

Look, I don't know about you guys, but I got one semester left, okay?

And then it is off to law school and the rest of my life.

Which I'm so happy about.

Yes.

Look, this might be our last shot at doing something that doesn't matter.

Okay? For the hell of it.

Now I've already signed us up. We got a game Thursday.

You show up and we see if the old spark is there, huh?

And if not, you go your separate ways.

Okay? Who's in?

Here we go, boys! Down!

Spank it and shake it! That's a hand in the cookie jar!

Blue, 42. Set, hut.

Jesus, Randy.

Come here. Come here, Randy. Come here.

Hey. Why did you just drop that pass?

You just thought you'd ruin a perfectly good throw?

Or maybe you thought you'd imitate the drummer from Def Leppard?

I don't get that reference.

Yeah, well, maybe you'll just run wind sprints until your feet bleed.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Come on, buddy, hop to. Let's go!

Dick? What, Ace?

Can't you see I'm enacting tough love?

I just wanted to let you know, Caleb Fuller signed up for the leagues.

From the Panthers. The only team that ever beat us.

Yeah, his best friend Grant was awesomely paralyzed by you in the game-winning play.

I'm having a tough time here. I don't... Fuller?

I brought a series of photographs.

It's Caleb Fuller.

Look at that smile, five miles wide.

Hold on. There's a few more in here. I got a...

Yeah. I know who he is!

I was just pretending not to so it seemed like I didn't care.

Who's their first game against?

Perfect.

What does it say?

Opening night. The grass is green, the moon is out.

I'm blitzed out of my skull and ready to watch the first game of what promises to be a very exciting intramural season.

I'm joined, as always, by my cohort, Dan. Dan, how's it hanging?

Glad to be here after my arrest for possession last week.

How'd your step-dad take it?

Let's just say we had to hire a plumber to get the bricks out of the toilet.

Always good with the metaphors.

Metaphors, similes, haikus, limericks.

He plays the English language like a fine guitar.

Where's Caleb?

Don't worry, he'll show.

That's not what I'm worried about.

The team to beat this season, the Titans.

Made up of the fifth-year seniors from the Who-Cares fraternity, the Titans had been favorited to go all the way, thanks to Dick Downs.

It's just nice to know that despite their good looks and established wealth, they're all likely to suffer from alcoholism and depression some 20 years from now.

I want you to rip off their heads and shit down their spinal cavity.

Aah!

Where the hell is Caleb?

Hey, you! You're parked in the handicap zone.

Hi. You-hoo.

Hi. Hi.

You're in the handicap. Your car.

You know what? It's okay. My best friend used to be paralyzed, so...

What?

He didn't used to be paralyzed, he used to be my best friend.

Oh, okay.

But I haven't spoken to him in a while, but he is still paralyzed, so thank goodness.

Uh...

That doesn't go away.

Sorry, I guess.

That's okay.

Your shirt, that kind of reminds me of him. Eye of the Tiger fan.

It kind of reminds me of Rocky III. Best movie of all time.

I think you mean Rocky I.

What? Come on. Yeah.

No, he doesn't even win in the end.

It's not about the winning. No, no, come on. That's where he meets Adrian.

Yeah. Oh. Interesting.

Mer-Bear, did you bring my juice boxes?

Hi.

Well, well, well. The prodigal pussy returns.

Hey! What?

It's good to see you, Dick.

Still doing that.

Riddle me, riddle me, riddle me this.

A man with no fear, or a man with nothing to lose?

What about a man who's not afraid of losing?

But I...

Look! Just get ready to feel the pain.

Okay. Got it.

I'm gonna need a juice box ready when I'm done taking sexual advantage of that guy for four quarters.

Okay.

Dick, stop it. What?

I said, stop.

I'm sorry. Okay.

I'm gonna rip out your colon and use it as a spooky eye-patch.

I'll see you on the field, Fuller.

Okay...

Wow. So... He's a good one.

Mer-Bear.

Heh.

Just Meredith. Okay.

Is that, uh...

Is that your boyfriend?

No, no, no. No. Gross. No, that's...

Sorry, he's my brother.

Oh, okay.

That's my twin brother. Oh.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. I'm gonna get going.

Okay.

It was lovely to meet you, just Meredith.

A handshake? Yeah.

You can't offer me a handshake before a game.

Uh, all right.

You gotta get amped up.

Come on, give me a high five or a chest bump or something.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll give you a little high five.

Okay. Cool with that.

We'll do a little chest bumping later. Okay.

What?

No, we'll just...

All right.

See you later. Got it.

I just... Nope.

Are my eyes deceiving me? I think that's Caleb Fuller and the Panthers, a team that won the intramural crown four years ago, but disbanded soon after their star receiver was paralyzed from the dong on down.

We haven't seen these guys since we were second-year seniors.

One wonders if they will be able to recapture the magic they once had.

We'll find out soon enough, Bill.

But from the looks of things, we gonna see a beating so severe that it would make Uday Hussein look like a Quaker.

And he, my friend, was no Quaker.

Hey, man, you're pretty strong, huh?

How much do you bench, dude-bro?

Ready! Down.

Set. Hut.

Aah!

405, dude-bro.

Jesus.

Chance, Hank. Check the ball. Check the ball.

Whoa, call the Panthers Houdini's Shittier Brother, 'cause they definitely do not have the magic.

No, these panthers look like pussies.

That was the lamest excuse for football I've ever seen.

Yo! Wasn't that bad.

Wasn't that bad?

Dude, they scored my grandpa's age.

Um, you sucked just as bad as we did.

Whatever, Magic Mike.

That movie has nothing to do with magic!

Hey, Siegfried, why don't you go jack off one of your tigers?

Hey, leave him alone, Friend-o.

Yeah, who put you in charge, Hank?

It's clear that I'm the only one here with functioning testicles.

Yeah? How'd you like them not to function?

Whoa, whoa! Calm down. Everybody calm down.

It was a rough start. We're gonna get better.

We're gonna get better, right, Caleb?

Yeah, I don't know. Just didn't feel right.

Yeah.

Didn't feel right having your asses handed to you.

Look, I understand being a little bit rusty.

'Cause I was celibate for three months once.

And when I got back into the game, I couldn't get erect again.

I can't even begin to imagine how you guys were ever that good in the first place.

They were good because they played with their hearts.

The Panthers I used to know would take a beating like that and come back with the fury of a raging typhoon.

Those players would calmly stare down the dark lord of death and nut-tap him like he was a cheap Mexican birthday clown.

They wouldn't sit there and cry like a group of schoolgirls that didn't get to feed the geese.

The men that I once called friends would do the only thing they knew how to do.

Stand up and fight.

Okay, I'm sorry. Who the hell are you?

My name is Grant Rosenfalis, and I'm your new head coach.

There is a classic structure to all underdog sports movies.

Rocky, Hoosiers, Air Buds 1, 2, 3 and 5.

What about Air Bud 4?

A dog playing baseball? Are you insane?

It was stupid.

Now, just like in these films, you lot are a ragtag team of varied archetypes.

Currently zeroes, though potentially heroes.

But only with the help of me, the crusty, yet affable veteran reluctant to revisit his troubled past.

You're like the exact same age as us.

Eight thousand wind sprints for the boy with Asperger's.

All right.

Okay. Grant, what do we do?

We train.

Damn! It's too slow.

I'll be employing some unorthodox training methods.

You'll be like clay in my hands.

Resistant at first...

Why are we training on the beach?

Because it's inspirational.

But over time, malleable to my touch.

Athletic ability is not the only skill to be honed.

There must be interpersonal conflict.

Nice hooves out there, Buttercup.

Shut the hell up.

There must be anger.

Ooh!

I hate you so much, Grant.

And passion.

Yeah!

Some of my methods might be deemed controversial.

You guys sure about this?

Football is war, gentlemen.

And in war, sometimes you get shot with a gun.

Okay.

I can do it. I can do it. I'm not gonna back out.

Why didn't you shoot him in the vest?

You didn't tell me to.

It seemed pretty self-explanatory.

Oh, God! We gotta get the hell out of here.

What did you do?

To lend a sense of gravity to the otherwise shallow athletic scenarios, we'll need racial tension.

Then, you'll learn to accept the freak for who he is.

Hey, freak show.

Nice catch.

Creepy and special.

Moments of levity should be found amongst the rigors of training.

It was human piss.

And slowly but surely, I'll begin to lighten up, and you'll see that this rough-around-the-edges persona is merely skin-deep.

It didn't hurt.

Everybody laugh.

'Cause I'm paralyzed.

And as the music escalates, you begin to improve dramatically.


Finally, the training culminates in an epic, slow-motion shot of celebration.


So I actually didn't know what wind sprints were, so I just grabbed a quick little snack.

What, did I miss something?

No peeking.

Isn't that amazing.

It's made of only soy, spirulina and fermented radishes.

Uh-huh. Yeah, swear I could've gotten some rat feces in there.

God, I think this is our wedding cake.

You know, like, when you're little and you think of your cake, and then you taste it and you're like, "Aah, it's my cake"?

Yeah?

Oh, my God, don't you have to go to LSAT class?

Uh, yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna skip this one, so...

Why?

We got a game. But you should come.

Well, see, my dress weaver is getting in from Milan tonight and we're going to a Peruvian sweat lodge to start brainstorming color schemes.

But also, why are you skipping class?

It's just one class.

Hmm.

Well, it's just one class, and then it's two classes, and then it's like you're cheating on me with my second cousin, Maevid.

Maevid?

This is our future.

Okay. Yeah, I'll just... I'll skip the game.

I'll skip the game. Okay?

Good. Better.

All right. I love you.

For you. I love you, I love you...

I love me-you. Yeah. Loving me, me, me.

Mwah. Okay.

You taste like the cake.

Desolation!

Shield, shield, shield, shield.

You storming the castle?

Hey, you.

What's up?

Where are you off to?

I got an LSAT prep course.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh... I'm assistant manager of extracurricular activities.

Oh, so you graduated.

I did.

Four years straight through, start to finish, you're out.

Gene, that's a level-six sorcery violation.

One more, and I'll abscond your dwarf rubies.

My humblest apologies, fair maiden.

Carry on.

Oh, you rule with an iron fist.

Whew. Just gotta...

Yeah. I wanted to ask you what was it like sharing a uterus with Dick Downs?

My brother's an ass sometimes, I know.

Yeah, what's the deal with that?

He had this huge football scholarship, and he lost it.

Oh, what happened?

Got in a car accident.

Oh, my God, that sucks.

Yeah, but it was his fault.

He's a moron, but he's my brother, so...

Yeah, anyway, um, you should come to our game tonight.

I thought you had your prep course.

Yeah, you know what?

Now I'm thinking I might skip this one.

Oh, okay. Uh, you might need to convince me.

Um, I really think you should come.

You're gonna see a different team.

Oh, come on.

You can convince me better than that.

Be manly, like Rocky.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Yeah.

I see. Let's go there.

That kind of... Okay.

How about, um, Y-YO, you should totally come to our game, yo, seriously.

We're gonna pound their skulls like it's raw meat.

Stop, or my mom will shoot.

Adrian!

God, that was, uh, yeah, no...

I got a little carried away there. Was that good?

That was actually surprisingly good.

Ah, thank you.

So you'll come?

GENE!

No more quickening potions for you.

What? That's not fair. I didn't do anything.

Like hell, you didn't.

We both saw you, Gene.

Listen, I, uh... Gene.

I'll see you. Okay.

I'll see you.

I'll see you tonight. Okay.

All right. Good luck.

Well, thank you.

And in a drastic turn of events, the Panthers are neck and neck with the Oilers.

This is not the same team we've seen out there.

It's almost as if Coach Grant Rosenfalis has turned the team around with his odd, yet winning mixture of been there, done that attitude and eclectic training devices.

It's a potent combination that never fails.

No, sir.

Almost as potent as this. Ready!

Down! Niney!

Set. Hut.

YEAH!

Dude! You call that defense?

Back off.

Taking a T, T-time.

Caleb, come to "T."

Come on.

All right.

What's the play?

Triple Z.

What?

Grant, that's the play that...

I can't. You must.

You want to lead this team? Listen to me.

You're on a dinner date with fate right now, and she keeps touching your shoulder.

Quit ordering desserts and take her home.

So what's the call?

Caleb.

What's the call?

Triple Z.

What? We haven't done that play since freshman year.

Vinnie, I need a great head fake from you.

Yeah. Chance, you're getting the catch.

Everyone else, you know what to do.

I have actually no idea what you're talking about.

Hank, you go out there, and you be a distraction, okay?

On one. On one.

Ready? Break!

Last play.

Let's see if the Panthers can make some magic.

Ready.

Down.

Set.

Whoo! Look at me!

I'm beautiful!

Yeah, I'm the prettiest boy in class.

Hut!

Throw the ball!

Fuller's gonna run it.

He's at the 40, the 30, the 20.

He could go all the way.

Fuller for the touchdown.

Despite having a wide-open man, Caleb Fuller decides to run it in.

And just like that, the Panthers are back in business.

Whoo!

What's up? Yeah!

Yeah, man!

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoo! Whoo!

Yo, good game tonight, guys. Way to go.

Yeah. Man, you killed it.

Good job, man. Do it like that.

Yeah, yeah.

You did great. Good night, man.

We won the flag football game because of you.

Good. Yeah.

Hank, I'll see you at home.

All right. Don't wait up. There's a freshman thing I'm gonna go check out.

Right. Okay.

Hi, Chance.

I just wanted to say thanks for putting the team back together.

Yeah, totally. I really needed this.

Yeah, yeah, me, too, man.

My parents don't respect my magic.

My dad won't look me in the eye.

My mom keeps forwarding me emails about how magic's for nerds and losers.

They think I should be a doctor.

Do you want to be a doctor?

I'd rather have an asp-tongued demon impale the shaft of my penis upon a fiery scythe!

As seen in this painting I did last night.

Ah, okay.

Got it.

That's graphic.

What do you want to do after college, Chance?

I want to disappear completely.

Oh, like a... Like a magic trick.

No, gone completely.

Okay.

Good... Good talking to you.

You couldn't do it, could you?

We won, didn't we?

One game.

Man, what is your problem?

You hesitated. You were scared.

Now, I know this is just a fun, kissy-pants carousel ride for you.

I need this.

Now, look, not a day goes by that I don't regret what happened to you.

Why? You threw the perfect pass.

Anything else, we would have lost that game, lost the championship.

Yeah, well, you'd still be able to walk, wouldn't you?

It wasn't your fault!

Sure, I miss the game. I...

I used to feel so alive out there.

Wind sweeping against my hair, the slow drain of blood into my still-working penis to form the perfect half chub that felt so awesome against my freshly laundered shorts.

I just...

But those days are over.

These men need you.

Grant, it's just intramurals.

Not anymore.

You've changed things.

Getting the old team back together, you've given these men a sense of purpose.

You're finger blasting fate, kid.

Yeah, well, what if I can't, huh?

What if I fail?

You know, Franklin Roosevelt once said, "Any boy can piss on the floor."

"It takes a real man to crap on the ceiling."

Can you crap on the ceiling, Caleb?

It's not a metaphor.

You were right.

I did see a different team out there.

What happened, huh?

Well, you know, people change.

What are you doing here?

Doesn't your, uh, uterus buddy have a game in 10 minutes?

You're not going?

No.

Figured I'd see what you were up to.

You wanna go somewhere?

All right, you all right?

I'm good. Whoa. Okay, you're good.

So you swear there's no crazy homeless people living in here or anything?

Oh, yeah, I assure you.

It...

Is clean.

You all right?

I'm great. Okay.

So how'd you find out about this place?

Well, Grant and I worked here in high school.

Oh. Awesome, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Our senior year, it got shut down, but I held on to a key, and, uh, they never changed the locks, so here we are.

Kept a key just, what, thinking maybe you could, like, take a girl here and flip the disco balls and put on the sexy lights, maybe some sweet tasty jams.

Here goes.

Behold.

That's still pretty cool.

Even when you know it's coming, it's still pretty cool.

Am I right?

You might be right.

Hey!

Have you come to eat my brains?

What the hell? I thought you said there were no homeless people.

I did not think there was anyone here, I swear.

Who sent you? Who?

Yeah, we didn't know anyone was here.

We're just... We're gonna go.

Like hell.

Fenton! Cheesedog!

Who intrudeth into the Thunderdome?

Minions, attack!

No, no. Whoa. Come on.

No, no. Whoa!

Raah! Hyah!

Whoa! Cheesedog!

Okay. Let's go.

I am so sorry.

I'm gonna drink the inside of your face!

Yaah!

That was weird.

Yeah.

Did you see that kick? Yes, I did.

I think I knocked out some of the homeless guy's teeth.

That was amazing.

Damn, I should have grabbed some of them for a scrapbook, or... I don't know...

I could have made you a necklace or something.

Let's go back.

I think they'd probably make us do some pretty weird stuff if we did, so we shouldn't.

Yeah, yeah.

So I got a question for you. Okay.

What is it like graduating?

Well, um, the ceremony was lovely.

Uh, my parents flew in from Boston.

I meant... I mean, like, um, what comes after?

Like the rest of your life?

Yeah. I mean, isn't it...

It's terrifying, right?

No, I mean, you don't have to figure it out right away.

There's plenty of time.

Yeah, I just wish it was a little more clear, you know, like football. It's just simple.

It kind of is. It's a game of inches.

I mean, you take it one play at a time, right?

You don't think about what you're gonna be doing in the fourth quarter when you're in the first, right?

Yeah.

Sorry.

That was lame. That was...

No. No, no, no. Oh, my God, no.

It's okay. No, no, no.

Look, uh, sports metaphors, that's... That's my love language.

Phew!

Heh.

Um... I need to tell you something.

Uh, can you tell me after?

Yeah. Okay.

Well, look what we have here.

Hi, Dick.

It's not weird when you do that.

You do realize we're twins, Fuller.

We share DNA, so when you're all up in her mouth space like that, it's just like you're doing it with me.

How do I taste, Fuller, huh?

Do I taste like Dick?

You taste like dick?

No. I'm Dick. Shut up.

I'll tell you what I don't taste like, cranapple juice boxes.

I'm sorry I missed your game.

It's cool.

Just a minor sibling betrayal.

We still won despite lack of proper hydration.

How'd your team fare, Fuller?

You put on a failure clinic like last week?

Uh, we won actually.

Yeah, beat the Oilers by seven.

It was awesome.

The Oilers? Damn.

Right? They're good.

Shut up, Ace.

What are you doing?

He was talking.

He was just... Thank you.

Hey, Dick, do you think you could leave us alone now?

I need five more seconds of intimidation staring.

Mm, no.

Now. Fine.

But I'm telling Mom.

Oh, and, Fuller, remember, even though you may have won tonight, you're still gonna have to face me and my boys again, and we're gonna make that last game look like a prepubescent tickle fight.

Why are you... Stop. Is that you tickling?

Tickleboy!

Tickleboy.

Tickleboy! Tickleboy?

Come on, brodeos.

Let's make like Lil' Bow Wow and ball bounce.

It's Roll Bounce.

That doesn't make any sense.

Rolls don't bounce. Balls do. Idiot.

It is Roll Bounce.

Come on, Ace!

Wow.

Yeah.

So, uh, where were we?

I think you said you had something you wanted to tell me.

Nope.

No?

No.

You sure? Yeah.

Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!


I'm excited.

You're gonna run it?

That's how this is gonna go?

You're not even blocking.

Going right here? Come on.

Yeah! Touchdown!

What up, players?

Double D, Dick Downs here. Don't do it, Dick.

Just got a full scholarship to play college ball.

And this right here is my sweet new ride... Don't do it.

...the alumni just gave me for free.

And guess what. Right now, got a new car, feeling like a star.

No. Let's ghost ride!

No, don't do it. Just get in the car, and go home.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, no, no, just...

Just go dance somewhere else.

I'm gonna live forever, baby!

Oh, no. Dick is on the roof.

Oh, no. Ghost ride that whip.

You're on the roof.

Ghost ride that... Ohh.

Oh, no. Ahh!

Oh, no! My leg! Aah!

Duke is gonna kill me! Get up, you pussy.

Get up, you pussy.

I got a box of steroids in the backseat of my car.

Dude, stop filming!

Go get 'em, dude!

Dick. Whoa! Ace!

I put a scrunchie on the door!

Can't you see I'm reliving my past failures to ensure my future success?

Yeah. Sorry. I just want to let you know the Panthers won again tonight.

They, um, made the playoffs.

Who gives a shit?

I'm just... I'm just worried.

They've gotten really good.

They're impenetrable.

Trust me, Ace.

I'll penetrate them.

How?

Oh, I don't know.

Sneak up on them and ruin their hopes and dreams?

Like a ghost.

Heh.

Heh.

What was that? Nothing. I was...

Get out of my room, dude! Okay.

Do you understand... Do you understand who...

Don't do that to me.

I'm gonna go.

This never happened!

Yeah! All right.

Chug time.

We did it, man!

Couldn't have done it without you.

Dude, nothing can stop us now.

Boo. Heh heh heh.

Can we join the party?

We weren't expecting the male strippers until later.

That's funny, because you're stripped of your ability to walk.

That is not a proportional response.

You got a problem, Lindsay Brohan?

No problem at all, Brosario Dawson.

We were just looking for a sausage festival.

Dick, you should leave.

You know, Fuller, my sister did always have a thing for spineless pussies who are inadvertently responsible for crippling their best friend.

What do you want, Dick?

I just wanted to be courteous and introduce you to the newest member of our team.

We recruited him a couple days ago.

Now, he's a little bit shy, so make him feel welcome, okay?

Thad!

What is that?

Looks like a dad-gum horse from the farm.

That's Thad "Rufio" Johnson.

He's the toughest linebacker in the NFL, man.

He's got seven Pro Bowls, two Defensive Player of the Year awards.

And a Super Bowl with Green Bay.

He got kicked out last year for substance abuse.

I'm sure you all heard about the substance-abuse controversy.

Well, with a little spare time on his hands, Thad decided to make his gam-gam happy and go back to college.

I ran into him a couple of weeks ago on campus, and we hit it off!

Turns out he was looking for an outlet for his rampant, unchecked aggression.

Dude, you can't just recruit a former NFL superstar to be on your football team.

Oh, sure you can. I know, because I read the rule book like I do an issue of Maxim.

Cover to cover on the elliptical while watching Entourage.

And the rules state that the only qualifications to be in the league is to be a registered student, which Thad is. Right, Thad?

Oh, speaking of rules, this is an official document from the university.

Should I read it aloud, Ace?

Oh, I think you should, Dick.

I think that's a good idea.

It reads, "Dear Mr. Grant Rosenfalis..."

That's you.

"We regret to inform you"

"that due to your refusal to pay tuition,"

"you are no longer a registered student at this university."

Oooooh.

You know what that means?

Yeah, it means I owe Caleb 10 bucks, because we made a bet that you were illiterate.

Oh, I'm literate, and I can read, and I'm a student, unlike Grant, and since he's on your official roster as a team member, you're boned.

I boned you.

That can't be right.

It is.

You either have to kick him off the team or forfeit.

Grant.

Let me go.

Can't you do something?

Sorry, Fuller. She's an adult, and adults do their jobs, even when it crushes their soul.

Oh, speaking of crushing souls, bring her in!

Oh. Is this the... What is my surprise?

I got... Oh!

It's Caleb.

Caleb is my surprise.

What a hard surprise. Yeah.

Mmm.

Heh heh. I thought you were at LSAT class.

Who's she? Who am I?

I'm the girl who gave him this thing, which is... Caleb, where's your ring?

This is a contract for a wedding chapel for one Caleb Fuller and Vicky Albrects on November 30th of this year.

You're engaged.

I prefer the term betrothed... Okay.

...and, yes, we are betrothed, and I'm sorry. Who are you?

Who am I?

Was I just one last fling before you go?

No. Meredith...

No, thanks.

You are not a man.

You're a bacterium.

There's no wedding.

You're a douche.

A big douche.

Yay!

You've been ghosted.

Care to say anything ominous before we leave, Thad?

Ciao.

In case you didn't know, that's French for "raising the stakes."

Uhh!

Get out of here.

Go. Go.

Dick.

Well, Bill, one more game left until the playoffs, and the Panthers are a shoo-in, but tonight, they're not getting any favors from the all-female team, the Maneaters.

I'm gonna euthanize your grandma!

Aah!

And with no Grant Rosenfalis, they're not looking good out there.

Focus.

They're eating men and shitting out touchdowns.

Touchdown Maneaters!

And I'm getting more and more turned on by the second.

Wow, that does not look like the same Panther team.

Come on, Vinnie! Get your head in the game, man.

You been griping all season. Back off, Hank.

Look, I don't want to lose to a bunch of chicks.

Who you calling chicks?

Okay, sweetheart, baby-doll, the big, strong guys are gonna have a conversation now, so why don't you just Brosie Bro'Donnell away?

Oh! Oh!

Whoa! Oh!

Did you just punch me in the face?

Oh! Oh!

Ohh.

I have done a lot of terrible things in my life, but I am not gonna punch a girl!

Hyah!

Whoa! Yeah!

What the hell, man?

Hey, I said I wasn't gonna punch.

Ohh! Fight!

No, no, no, no!

What's happening? Ohh!

It's an all-out brawl!

Oh, you hate to see the game degraded to this level, Bill.

Who started this?

Those girls are crazy, Officer. Uh-huh.

One of 'em threatened to violate my nana.

Uh-huh. Sure, she did, son.

Sure, she did.

Damn it.

My dad's gonna kill me, Hank.

I never been to jail before. What are we gonna do?

You just gotta establish dominance as soon as possible.

Follow my lead.

What are you in for, kiddo?

Murder, grandpa bitch. Yaah!

Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

Okay, I don't want to fight.

I got no beef with anybody.

Hope you like AIDS, amigo.

Why would I like AIDS?

Panthers... You made bail!

Yo! Yo, yo, yo.

Hey, you gonna be all right, Georgie. You hear me?

Hang in there, buddy.

Caleb?

Vicky.

I came as soon as I heard.

Have you sustained any long-term psychological damage during your time in the hole?

No, there's no hole.

This is a drunk tank.

Is this what the DMV is like?

Okay.

See? I told you.

I told you this would happen.

I told you you would skip class and then you would cheat on me with someone who looks like my cousin Maevid and that I would have to bail your perfect ass out of jail.

Vicky. And looky what happened.

You jeopardized our future.

What future?

I spoke to Father, and he thinks that you deserve another chance.

Vicky... If... Okay.

If you cut it out with this intramural football shit, because our life together, buster, that ain't no game.

Caleb.

Hank, I'm trying to deal with this right now.

It's Grant, his trailer.

Something happened, and it's bad.

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no.

He's dead.

Hey, guys, need you to stay back.

This is a restricted area.

Did he suffer?

Huh? Oh.

Absolutely.

Probably could have escaped, too, but, uh, place wasn't too wheelchair friendly.

You know, I'm just a simple fireman, but whoever inadvertently caused his paralysis is in a way also partly responsible for his death.

But not all bad news.

I did find these at the scene.

Hey, come on, man.

It's not just a free-for-all.

They're Grant's aviators.

They're completely unscathed.

So I guess those are, like, uh, pretty symbolic of your dead friend?

Would you shut up?

Sorry. Not my place.

Grant's dead.

He's dead.

What are we gonna do?

We have to forfeit.

Are you kidding me?

How are we supposed to play tomorrow with Grant's death hanging over our heads?

This isn't your fault, Caleb.

I didn't say it was my fault.

Found the source of the fire. Ha ha!

It's an old laser-disc player.

Looks like he had a copy of the original Rocky in it, too.

Ha. Great flick. Heh heh.

"Yo, Adrian!"

Look, you guys got one more week before the playoffs, but you're gonna have to find another man, because I quit.

Oh, no. No, you can't quit, all right?

I mean, we need you.

No, you don't.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Let's let the king of the babies give a speech to his baby servants.

"Wah wah," speech.

You know, there's a really scenic lake about a mile up the way.

Could be a good place for you to somberly reflect on your friend's life and tragic death.

I'll leave you to grieve.

Why'd you have to leave me, Grant?


Hey, nice job, Copperfail!

Hey, you got that right.


Today, you are taking the Law School Admissions Test.

You will have four hours.

Please begin.

Um, okay, uh, outside, everyone.

Leave the tests.

We should be able to clear this up pretty soon.

Psst!

Psst!

Hank?

What are you doing here?

I pulled the fire alarm.

What? Shut up, man.

Come on. Why would you do that?

I had to, man. Why?

Because you can't do this, Caleb.

Hank, you and I live together.

Why don't you just talk to me then?

Because I'm a dick, I'm totally out of control, I'm rude, I say awful things about people, but you've always been cool to me, man.

Hank, I appreciate you coming down here to say that, but...

Shut up! I'm in the middle of something.

Ah! There I go being a dick again. Okay.

Caleb, you have to come back.

No, I can't.

Man, this team is like the closest I've ever been to having real friends, 'cause you've given me a place that I didn't have before, a place that I belong.

These moments are the most precious gifts we've been given, the most sacred, and if we turn our back on them,

that is when we truly have nothing.

Is that a line from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?

Shut up! It's a great movie, man!

That's... Awesome, and that chick from Gilmore Girls is hot as hell, man, and it's not because she looks like a child.

It's not a good movie.

Okay, the point is, after college, you got your whole life figured out.

This is all I have.

Uh, I gotta go.

Did you start a real fire?

What? No, it's not important.

Just be at the field at 7:00 p.m. tonight.

Vicky and I have the wedding shower tonight.

Dude, you don't want to marry her.

There you go being a dick again.

No, man, that's me being a friend.

Yeah, I've got him.

Ohh! That's me being a dick.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Get back here!

Why would you do that?

Sorry for the false alarm, gang.

Please begin your tests.

Oh, my G.

Daddy. Is this a diamond-encrusted serving tray?

Not only that, check the certificate of authentication.

Ahh! You guys, it's made with certified blood diamonds.

I love blood diamonds.

That's not all.

Caleb, a spot just opened up at our firm.

I had to fire two janitors and a secretary to do it, but it's yours as soon as you graduate.

Thank you so, so much. Wooow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. All right.

Oh, Daddy.

My God, what an occasion this is.

Okay, why don't we all go to the veranda for some champagne and tofu tiramisu?

Actually, it seems as though there's one more present.

Ooh, a mystery gift.

Plastic glasses.

That's dumb.

Who got me this?

Lame.

Okay, to the veranda we go.

No.

What do you mean "no"?

Listen, everyone, thank you so much for all the gifts, but, um, I can't.

You can't what?

I have a game to get to.

I thought you were done with your intramural footballing.

I'm sorry.

I am just not ready.

It goes without saying the job offer goes away if you do this.

Yes, sir. Thank you, but, uh, I think I'd rather not know my future right now.

Caleb.

Caleb, don't go.

Caleb, I'm pregnant!

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Oh, honey, don't make this weirder.

That usually works.

Five minutes to game time, Prancers.

It's Panthers.

I do not care.

I don't think he's gonna show.

Well, maybe we don't need him.

I wish Grant was here.

Grant is here.

He's all around us.

Caleb.

Just in time, huh?

What's up, brother? Real dramatic.

Are you ready for this?

Almost.

Gotta go take care of one last thing.

What?

He just pumped us up and then left?

That's pretty badass, though.

Hey, Meredith.

I'm not talking to you.

Okay, that's fair.

You don't have to say anything.

I just want you to know that I'm really sorry I didn't tell you I was engaged.

That's awful.

I'm sorry.

That was a difficult situation, and I want you to know it's over now, all right?

That's great.

Look, I got you something, okay?

Is that the homeless guy's teeth?

Yeah.

How'd you get this?

Ten bucks for his teeth.

Five.

Okay.

And here you are, good sir.

We prefer direct deposit.

Like in your butt?

No, you freaking weirdo.

Just give me your email. I'll invoice you.

He had an email address?

I know. Right?

How insane is that?

Look, I know I don't deserve it, but can you just give me another shot to try to win you back?

And how do you plan on doing that?

You'll see.

I don't know about you, Dan, but other than fair-trade hummus, there's nothing in this life I love more than intramural playoffs.

Whole Foods and Japanese hookers for me.

Caleb Fuller with the interception.

Thad "Rufio" Johnson is a juggernaut.

Double hit, both men down.

Caleb Fuller has the eye of the tiger.

Welcome to the pregame intramural championship show, Panthers versus Titans.

With me always is Bill.

Bill, the Titans have been on a tear lately with pick-up of former NFL all-star Thad "Rufio" Johnson.

Do you think that the Panthers can stop him tonight?

Highly unlikely, Dan.

You see, had he not been kicked out, it's likely that Johnson would have been looking at another three years of NFL dominance.

Ah, so you're saying it's a hopeless case?

Well, according to my stepdad, the only hopeless cases are pussy liberals and me.

He's a mean bastard, and I don't understand how Cheryl can stand him.

My mom's a saint, but if the Panthers have taught us anything this season, it's that anything is possible.

All right, men, I got a few words.

It's speech time, douche bags.

The last few months have been the best of my life, and this team, you guys have meant the world to me.

The majority of you, I strongly dislike.

Chance, you have become one of the best receivers I've ever seen.

Randy, if you drop one pass, I swear to God I will burn your grandmother's condo down.

Vinnie, I've never seen a quarterback find the open man like you.

Ace, your girlfriend is cheating on you with me.

She's ugly.

Hank, you are the single most intense player I've ever seen.

That's very kind of you to say.

Rufio!

In all honesty, you terrify me, so you're cool.

Jimmy, you are a beast on the field, and you have the voice of Gabriel.

Donnie, your body is a wonderland, and I hate you for it.

George, you have had quite a rough go of it, to say the least, and your commitment to this team, while misplaced priority-wise, inspires me to get out of bed in the morning.

I don't know your name, and I never will.

Your dad, your grandmother, your future employer, they may think this is stupid, that it doesn't mean anything, but 30 years from now, these are the moments that we will look back on.

If we lose, I never want to see any of you ever again.

Screw the memories.

Winning is not everything.

Winning is everything.

I love you guys.

I'm dead inside!

Ha ha!

Let's take a moment of silence for Grant.


All right, let's go out there and play some football!

Yeah! Yep!


This is it, Bill, the final dance, the big hoorah, the game that discerns the winners from the losers, the wheat from the chaff, the lingering tongue-kiss butt fondle from the fake phone-number handshake, and I don't think I'm making an overstatement when I say this is the single most important moment in the history of athletics. What say you, Bill?

Well, Dan, I think you said it all in your raving diatribe, but I'm gonna add one more small point if I may.

Are you ready for some football?

Steamroller!

Fumble!

Thad "Rufio" Johnson recovers.

Touchdown Titans.

Unbelievable.

Hey, Fuller, I'm glad Grant's dead.

Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, come on, ref!

And we're only five plays into this game, and already it's a bloodbath.

And there is so much more time left in this half.

Glory be to Dick! Yeah.

Oh, glory!

Wow, I don't know what happened, but the rest of that half went by much, much faster.

But still equally as intense.

You know, Dan, I don't know what happened to this Panther team, but they are gonna need a serious miracle.

That or an act of God.

That's what a miracle is, Dan.

What do I do, Grant?

What do I do?

Stop talking to your sunglasses, and start playing football better.

Grant?

Are you a ghost?

I thought you were dead.

Well, you thought wrong, thinky.

But...

Your trailer and the... Your glasses?

Do I really have to explain this to you?

Yes, yes, you really have to explain this to me.

The primary turning point in all sports movies usually involves the untimely death or paralysis of a key character, quite often the coach/mentor.

I faked it.

What? Why... Why would you fake your death?

Because that's how it's done.

That's not how it's done. What are you talking about?

What reference point is that?

You don't have to fake your death for your intramural football team to win.

This isn't about winning.

This is about winning at the last possible second when the chips are down and you're holding a real hard hand with a fistful of fate's fun-bags and you know that if you squeeze tight enough, you'll get to slurp down on that sweet, sweet glory milk.

And when you win like that, it changes you.

So how do we do that?

Because we are getting slaughtered out there.

You gotta crap on the ceiling.

That's impossible.

When you got a team beneath you, anything's possible.

Grant said this would work!

Come on, push, Caleb!

Oh! Got... Got some in my eye. That's fine.

No, I got it!

We got it. It's okay.

Yeah.

Oh.

That is definitely a metaphor.

Oh, this is it for the Panthers.

Two quarters to come back from an almost impossible 23-point deficit.

Real shame.

Chance.

Dad?

Eh, what are you doing here?

I've come to tell you to stop this foolishness, wearing the eye makeup, doing the magic, playing football with all these buffoons.

They're not buffoons.

They're my friends.

The application for medical school is due tomorrow.

I filled it in.

All you have to do is sign it.

Come on, Son. Think about your dreams.

No, Dad, your dreams.

Hey, guys, you know who this is for?

It's for Grant.

And the Titans receive the ball at the start of the second half.

Oh, the clothesline!

WWE at its finest.

Right there. Get your man.

Cover one.

Red 42. Red 42.

Hut! Hut!

Oh! Unbelievable pick by Fuller.

And the Panthers are on the board.

Yes! Whew!


Whoo!

Unbelievable.

I've never seen a second-half turnaround like this.

I can't remember ever seeing anything like this, but then again, I don't remember anything.

I have the disease from Memento.

Down!

Set!

Good play, guys. Congratulations.

And with 40 seconds left, the Titans have extended their lead to nine.

The Panthers are gonna have to create some kind of miracle.

What do we do now, Caleb?

Caleb?

Hello?

Caleb?

Caleb!

What do we do?

We win the game.

Another kick. It's a high one.

Caleb Fuller receives. A lateral!

Another lateral to the mustache.

It's like a young, skinny Burt Reynolds.

Touchdown Panthers!

Whoop whoop.

I don't believe it.

Just like that, the Panthers are back in it.

Down by two with just 35 seconds left.

If the Panthers have any hope of scoring again, they're gonna have to execute a perfect onside kick.

Do not screw this up!


Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Whew.

And that's the nail in the coffin if I've ever smoked one.

And with 22 seconds left, all the Titans have to do is hold on to the ball and watch the clock run out.

But it should be noted that in intramurals, there is no taking a knee.

The Titans have to run a play for the clock to expire.

True, but all they have to do is give the ball to Rufio.

And what started out as a beautiful Cinderella story is rapidly turning into a horrifying snuff film for the Panthers.

Just forget about it, Caleb.

We gave it a good run, right?

Yeah, I'm happy to have played with you guys.

Yeah. It's all been worth it.

I want to try something crazy.

They're just gonna hand the ball to Rufio.

That thing's unstoppable.

You're right.

We can't stop him, but Jimmy can.

Now, you said he reminds you of a horse on your farm?

Break. Break.

Yo, this is crazy.

Crazy enough that it just might work.

Down! Hey, guys, it's been a pleasure kicking your ass.

Set.

Hut.


Thad, what are you doing?

Oh, and the Panthers get the ball with time for just one more play.

Unh!

Yeah, Panthers!

What the hell was that, Thad?

The voice... It just took over.

What are you talking about, you goddamn ogre?

I got some thinking to do.

What?

No... Oh.

Oh, what are you talking about?

You don't think.

Where are you going?

Thad!

Thad!

Thad!

That's what I'm talking about. Yes.

Jimmy, that was beautiful. Okay. Here we go.

We are going Triple Z.

No. The safeties are gonna see that coming, okay?

We run the Triple Z, but with a slight alteration, all right?

Chance, we're gonna need something crazy out of you, bud.

Crazy enough that it just might work.

Please stop saying that.

Right. Right. Bring it in.

Come on.

Hey, stop playing grab-ass like a bunch of little boys.

All right?

Break!

Don't mess up. Get your man.

Ready!

Set! Hut!

It's a fake!


Uh, what happened? Huh?

He disappeared between the three and the four-yard line.

What type of devilry is this?

I love you, Son!

I love you, too, Dad!

Touchdown Panthers.

Panthers win!

Do you believe in acts of God?

Whoo!

That's my boy.

I always knew there was something magical between three and four.

Yes!

Yeah!

There's gotta be some rule!

I got ghosted again!

Dude, where did these people come from?

I don't know.

Wait. What?

Did you know we could win $100,000?

I had literally no idea.

God, everybody would have been so much more invested.

Whoo hoo hoo!

Do you believe?

Look at me. He can't see.

I'm Fat Albert. He can't see.

Yeah!

How was that?

Confronting your biggest fears in a climatic, game-winning play.

Never saw it coming.

Now, that's one shitty ceiling.

Totally worth it.

In my nine and a half years of college, I thought I'd seen it all.

I witnessed a 2,000-cup game of beer pong that claimed the lives of seven bros.

I've seen Frisbee so ultimate, it threatened the supremacy of God himself.

I've even seen my colleague Dan here swallow two keys of pure Bolivian heroin to make good on a series of increasingly misguided cockfighting bets, but I never thought I'd witness such an amazing game of intramural football.

Right you are, Bill.

Right you are.

Yeah! Whoo!

You all came to our game!

Yes!


Oh, no! No!

I want a boyfriend.

I don't want to work.

I want to have a boyfriend.

Oh, honey.

That was my boyfriend! Honey...

Get me another boyfriend!

Why don't you...


Joining us now, the League Commissioner himself, Philip Bronson. Phil.

What?

You called me and said there was an electrical fire.

What do you think about the game so far, Comish?

I'm an employee of the university!

There is no Comish.

What's wrong with you guys?

Comish, can we get a ride home?