Banana Joe (1982) Script

Steady.

Oh, Joe.

Hi.

Welcome back.

What's happening, Luis?

Oh, you know, my wife gave birth to another girl.

Hey, congratulations.

I got 20 kids, all little rascals.

Because you're lucky.

Why lucky?

What can you do with a girl?

Keep trying for a little boy.

Hey amigo, come ashore.

Come up.

The drinks and cigars are on me.

Ah-uh, nothing doing, Luis.

I never set foot off my boat.

This line here, that's where my world ends.

I know.

Your boat and the village of Amantido.

You said it.

Those supplies, they ready to go?

Sure, they're all right here, salt, flour, medicine, the whole load.

Including the red eye for Mother Tobias.

Red eye for who?

Shoot, you mean lotion, shampoo, don't you?

What shampoo, are you kidding.

She chugged and licked the whole bottle, said it's the greatest taste since bean brandy.

Empty dandruff, rub in well, it's written right on it.

Writing only works if you can read, Luis.

What we need up there is a school.

Now that I mention it, how many bananas would it take to build one?


Hey, how are you?

I'm speaking to you guys, huh?

Come up, come on the two of you, up here.

Oh boy, you're getting big.

Hey Paquito, been a good boy, huh?

Hi, hi.

Hello, how are you.

Now, let's see what we have in here.

A yellow tee shirt.

Take it easy.

There's something for everybody.

That's for you and this is for you.

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

This is it.

This is paradise on Earth.

Oh, bananas.

Love bananas.

Mm.

Martinez.

You finish it.


Forward.

Follow me, follow me this way.

Ah, what have we here, a village.

This is where it should be, ah yes.

And full of little niño simpático.

Coochie, coochie.

Amiable and tale of low-cost labor, a primary requirement for the success of other non-packaging and processing plant, right, Martinez?

Hey, what's happened?

Who turned off the water?

Papa Joe, Papa Joe, come quick.

Strangers arrive in fast boat.

They're over there.

Papa Joe, you have to come.

Come quick.

Ah-huh.

To my left.

Ah-huh, that's it, perfect.

Good, good.

Now, let's see.

That's where we'll set up the warehouse with the completely automated, ta ta ta ta ta, banana processor and over here, an ultra modern sterilizing unit.

Then there'll be packaging, ta ta ta ta ta, labor lake shipping, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera and over here.

Over here is where I am.

Who are you?

Banana Joe.

Love it, Banana Joe, great name.

This is for you, a special doublemint flavor.

You savages go crazy over chewing gum, remember that, Martinez.

A little to the left.

To the left, that's it.

That's it.

That's it, that's it.

I didn't hear your name.

I represent the mulitnational food conglomerate that has bought the concession of this island to cultivate, process and ship bananas to every corner of the globe.

We pick the bananas around here and I take them up river to exchange them for the supplies we need for this village.

Get it?

So, you're an American.

One of those guys leftover from the Peace Corp.

I want to make sure we understand each other, amigo.

You're setting up nothing on this island.

Get it? Oh.

I don't want to be a nosy Parker but do you have a license, a concession from the government to pursue a commercial venture here?

License, concession, what's that?

He's just sighting the law.

Anybody trafficking in bananas must have a license from the government.

Oh, I get the picture.

He's got the picture.

Yeah, I get the picture and you're getting the boot.

You're polluting the environment, so get going.

We are representatives of progress, civilization.

We represent, Mr. Torcillo, the patron of Porto Grande.

Goodbye.

I'll take my bag and my maps.

I swear you'll pay for this or my name's not San Banito of the Torcillo corporation.

If you're gonna do it kid, do it right.

Nobody crosses Mr. Torcillo and gets away with it.


Torcillo residence.

This is Moreno.

Let me speak to the boss.

Just a minute, I'll see if he's in.

Hey boss, Moreno's on the phone for you.

Let him hold on.

Include the bananas as well.

Okay, Mr. Torcillo.

Send it off to Time Magazine and suggest they put it on the cover, Jose Torcillo, the banana king.

A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

Hello, Moreno.

Well, what's the story in Amantido.

You've broken soil?

No but I almost broke my head, old chap.

You should have been there yourself.

A big ape kicked us off the island.

Who kicked you off the island?

A guy called Banana Joe, a local napoleon, only he's an American and more savage than the savages.

This is your wake up call.

This is your wake up call.

4:50 p.m.

4:50 p.m.

This is your wake up call.

4:15 p.m.

4:16.

Rise and shine, come on.

Up we get, you too.

Want to sleep you whole lives away?

Hey, that one there ain't mine.

Who are you?

We are yours, Joe.

You big Papa in the whole world.

Alright, good kid.

Go into the shower, then a big plate of fried bananas for everyone.

Bananas again, no.

You don't want fried bananas, I'll do them roasted.

We don't want bananas.

You kids know why I'm so strong, super strong, right?

Yes, yes.

Cause I never passed up on bananas.

Vamos, vamos muchachos.

Would you look at that.

Bautista, you got new umbrellas and a clean shirt, you must be making money, huh?

I know, I know, it's your bananas, Joe.

There's no better bananas in the whole wide world.

Here, have one on me.

Hey, gracias.

It'll do you good.

Come on, come on, keep those bananas moving.

Hurry it up.

Hey, Sergeant.

Here, come here a minute.

There's the guy Torcillo told you about.

You know what to do, huh?

Vamo niños, I want to get back before nightfall.

I'll take care of it right now.

Next.

To the right.

Load it up.

Here, it's good for you.

Who's the owner of this hulk?

I am, why?

Then let's see your license to transport bananas up this part of the river.

Your wholesalers license and your work permit.

Here we go again.

I'll have to arrest you if you can't produce the license.

Until I see it, I'm impounding your boat.

I'm afraid you'll have to accompany me to headquarters.

Hey, you're not impounding my boat.

If you're not out of here in five seconds I'll throw you in the water.

Oh, so now you're threatening a police officer, huh.

He didn't mean it sergeant.

You only lose by fighting city hall.

I can't even pay you in supplies any longer if they've impounded your boat.

Take this.

Try this, I know it's not much.

Once you get the matter sorted out, you give it back and I'll give you your supplies.

Okay.

This is money?

Don't lose it.

I don't know how you can expect me to give you a license when you don't even know you surname, your father's name, your mother's name, your place of birth.

It means you don't exist.

I'm standing here right in front of you, that means I must exist.

The law demands proof.

I do have a name, it's Joe, Banana Joe.

Yes, well, you have no surname, no means of identifying yourself.

What do you suppose the judge will have to say about that?

Well, I...

Excuse me Captain but I just brought in Pitzulo.

Suspected of driving a stolen car.

It's not registered in his name.

Listen Captain, there's been a misunderstanding, a case of mistaken identity.

They say everybody in the world has double.

My name is Juan Vilas.

I have all the identification right here, give me...

Don't bother I know you're Juan Vilas, Pedro Patsulo, allas Juan Rodriguez.

I know all your aliases.

You have too many names.

You're under arrest.

Oh, no.

Señor, you're arresting him for having too many names.

That means you can let me go, I only have one.

In reference to your position, if you want to go on trading on the river you must have papers.

To apply for a license you must first produce a birth certificate.

Until further notice, your boat's impounded.

No.

Let's get one thing straight, the boat's mine and I'm taking it back.

You touch that boat and you go to jail.

You can't arrest me.

I don't have a name, I don't exist for you.

He's got a good point Captain, if I may say.

You may. Are you still here?

Yeah.

Put this man in a cell, Sergeant.

Let's be reasonable Captain, you have no reason to lock me up.

I mean I can prove that I am Juan Vilas, born in Caracas on August 15.

Remove him, Sergeant.

And once more, if you'll check the references I have here, you'll find a letter of thanks from our esteemed and beloved president.

A letter from el presidente.

Yeah.

A letter from our esteemed leader.

In which she thanks me for supplying him with a box of special hormone pills.

Made to my formula from the root of the tripolia carpuetes, an almost extincted herb I discovered in the amazon rainforest.

If the president's beautiful and beloved consort produces a big bouncing boy this time, instead of another girl, the marriage will be all mine, modestly, speaking.

Oh, of course, of course.

Shut the door, Sergeant.

Captain you will, shortly, be receiving a promotion.

Thank you.

I asked a word in the right ear, at the right time, it worked wonders.

God bless you all.

Have a nice day.

Colonel, now can I have my boat back?

Not until you come up with identification.

You'll have to go into the city.

If I were you I'd go, first, to the bishop's office and get a copy of your baptism certificate.

Certificate?

Yeah, after you were born you were baptized, weren't you?

I can't remember.

Once you get your baptism certificate, apply for a birth certificate at the registry office, huh.

Oh.

Now, off you go and come back with proof you exist.

There's a city.

How am I suppose to get there?

Take the train or hitch a ride with any Joe Blow that comes along.

But who's Joe Blow?

Who's Joe Blow, everybody knows that.

I don't know the guy.

Hey.

Amigo.

Amigo, I hear you're looking for a license.

Permission to trade bananas on the river.

This is your lucky day, I have one right here.

Okay.

Gee, thanks.

Ah but I might need some compensation, like you know.

Oh, this here.

Alright but not all of it, no, no, no.

This one will do alright.

Here you are.

In the mouth of the wolf, like my cousin say.

What does that mean?

Good luck.

Huh.

Hey Bautista, I got my license.

This is great Joe.

A license valid for two years.

The only trouble is, it's not made out to you.

Look here, it says Donald Gomez, that's not you, is it?

No, I'm Banana Joe.

Which means whoever sold you this was doing you no favors.

See you around.

If he told me it wasn't in my name I wouldn't have bought it.

Now I guess I really do have to go into the city.

Hey, Diego.

Yeah. How you been?

Just great, what's going down?

Where you going?

In the city.

We're all waiting for old man Miguel to signal the start of the race.

Signal the start of the race?

Yeah. What race?

What you mean you don't know?

Every Monday, the first truck into Porto Grande sets the price for the rest of the week.

One minute to go.

So what, I don't see the hurry?

It's simple arithmetic.

The guy who fixes the prices picks up the difference in a week before.

Hey, Diego.

Can I ride with you?

Sure, it's a pleasure, even if you're extra weight.

I got no intention of winning anyhow.

You don't, why not?

Just between you, me and the mirror, buddy, I love my skin too much to challenge Jose Torcillo.

His driver's going to win because he controls the market at Porto Grande.

Torcillo, the name rings a bell.

Yeah, that's his driver over there.

Climb aboard, Joe.

10, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, this is one.


Nice pair of legs, huh?

Yeah.

We got plenty of girls in Amantido but I like that, with stockings.

Her name's Dorianne.

She sings in a club in Porto Grande.


See what I mean, Joe?

It's nuts.


See what happens if you try to win.

Yeah, I saw but it don't make it right.

Hey, he's a jerk.

Over rev your engine and the pistons can't take it.

Jose!

Cordoza must be thanking his lucky stars but Torcillo's driver would have run right over the kid.

Yeah.

That ain't right at all.

Here move over, let me drive.

Hey, what have you gone crazy?

Hey Joe, you don't know how to drive.

Nothing to it, you just keep your foot down.

Oh please, slow down, huh.

I told you that's Torcillo's driver.

Let him alone. Torcillo's a turkey.

Will you shut up. You're ahead.

Very good, Moreno.

I leave the Amantido project 100% in your hands.

Never fear, Mr. Torcillo.

Before that ape finishes with the police, I'll have turned the village into an industrial paradise.

Señor Torcillo, I think, maybe, we should take more precaution before unloading the merchandise.

Don't worry about a thing.

Any crates stamped Torcillo goes through customs like a hotlink through butter.

Mr. Torcillo's the greatest businessman out here.

And this is only the beginning.

Pretty soon I'll have total control of the world's bananas from growing to marketing.

Prepare for greatness, Captain.

On the double.

Take us to the produce market.

I never miss the end of the trucker's race.

I love to see my man win.

Now let's see what you do.

Out of the way.

Out of the way please.

Keep back.

The trucks are coming.

Out of the way.

Out of the way, the trucks are coming.

Keep back, keep back.

Please keep back, the trucks are coming.

Please, it's very dangerous, keep back.

The trucks are coming.

Keep back.

Hey Geo, hold my bag.

I want to record our victory on film.

Are you alright, Mr. Torcillo?

Get him out of there, quick!

Easy, Mr. Torcillo, that's it.

That's it, can you stand?

A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

Wow are you're lucky to be alive.

I feel like a human cannonball.

Look, that's the guy who hit you.

Guess who it is?

That's Banana Joe, the fella from Amantido.

Let's get him moved into the boat.

Yes, lean on me.

You can make it. There does it.

Get out of my way.

No, it wasn't me. Get out of there you...

Double crosser. It wasn't me, it wasn't me.

Then who was it?

I was driving.

I don't know who you are but going over the rogue gang was against the rules.

Oh yeah, tell me about it.

Calm down Miguel, there's nothing to fight about.

This driver here won the race and now I can fix this weeks new price.

Maybe so but he'll pay for this.

Raise the price and we'll split the difference.

Really, okay.

Diego, what was the price last week?

200 a kilo.

Okay then.

I make the new price as 100 a kilo.

Have you gone crazy?

You shouldn't have done that, mister.

You ruined the market.

The wholesalers won't go for it.

The wholesaler is Mr. Torcillo.

You're a real turkey, mister.

No, the only turkey around here is what's his name, Mr. Torcillo.

Now you're in real hot water.

Huh?

Come with us Samson.

Where we going?

When we get there you'll find out.

Ah.

You're getting better old man.

You're a real jerk, Moreno.

It's all your fault. Me?

What was the big ape from Amantido doing on that truck?

Next time I see him I'll ask, boss.

You're a horse's ass, Moreno.

I know.

Oh look, Mr. Torcillo.

Our guys are bringing him up to say hello.

Step it up you big ape.

Hey Kaho, come give us a hand.

Nice boat.

Hold my hat, thanks.

How many bananas this thing carry?

I'm ready, let's start the party.

Hey you, we're gonna show you a good time now.

We're going dancing?

Yeah, the quickstep.

To start we're square dancing.

I love dancing.

Ha, ha.

That's Kaho's left uppercut.

Luigi's pile driver and that's a hook from George.

Oh, that one was Freddie's double whammy.

He's getting a lesson he'll never forget.

What's so funny?

Get back to Amantido at once.

Yes, sir. That's where you belong.

Right away.

My hat, Moreno.

I'm, frightfully, sorry.

Idiot. Yes, sir.

Hey, Mr. Torcillo.

Don't waste time.

I'm on my way.

Well done, boys.

That'll teach him to mess with Jose Alfonso Torcillo.

Mr. Torcillo.

Mr. Torcillo, where are you?

I'm dying to meet you, where are you?

Mr. Torcillo.

Thanks for inviting me to the party.


What's the matter?

Do you want a ticket for jaywalking?

Wait until the light changes.

Walk on green.

Alright, stand back, break it up.

Hey, green.

Hey, lead the way.

I never cross with strangers.

Hey, what are you looking for at this time of day?

The bishop's office.

A man like yourself should never dress so badly.

That's why everybody's staring.

Yes sir, the man who knows what he's looking for is dressed by Quintaro.

Leave it to us.

Take your choice from a wide range of models.

Thanks.

Quintaro fashion.

Take it up to the accounting office, miss.

Yes, sir.

Miss.

May I help you, sir?

Good morning. Good morning.

I'd like to buy a new suit of clothes.

We sell domestic appliances, sir.

Perhaps, you mean a TV set or a washing machine.

No, there was a gent outside in the window who told me to come in here and buy some new clothes.

What gentleman in the window?

I don't understand you.

Please explain yourself.

There was a gent out there who told me I was badly dressed and to come in here.

Are you from Candid Camera by any chance?

Look, he must still be out there.

If you don't believe me, come and see for yourself.

There he was in the little window right there.

Estrella, the whole milk guaranteed to give you energy.

No, milk.

That lady's got to be the wife of the gent who was there before.

Come to think of it, what are they doing in that box?

You are from Candid Camera, aren't you?

Well, I'm sorry I don't have time to play your games.

Goodbye.

No, I'm not.

You are handsome, successful and dynamic. Who me?

And your deodorant is that sophisticated aroma of tropical sex.

Come on, let's be reasonable.

Go back and look again.

Anybody knows the teat must be pulled on a cow.

Amigos, amigos.

Where's the horns? Would I cheat you?

Real bulls have horns, señor.

But these bulls are special and a rare breed from the mountains.

They have their horns under the skin.

To make them pop out you have to pull their ears.

Hey, get him.

Get him now.

You bully, come back here!

Wait till I get my hands on you.

Oh, now listen.

I can explain everything.

Help!

Don't beat me up.

Let me tell you about the pig.

Please don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt me.

Thank you, thank you for.

I don't know how to pay you back.

I'll be eternally grateful.

I saved your life and pay you myself.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know, I know.

I've been looking for you.

I made a terrible mistake and sold you a license but so help me, I made a terrible mistake that I made out to somebody else and I've been looking for you ever since to give you your money back and see I have it right here, right, right.

There it is.

Here.

Yeah.

Why does everybody think I'm trying to cheat them?

Listen you little squirt.

I have to go get a baptism certificate.

Will you show me the way?

I know the bishop's office inside out.

Sure, I'll take you.

One more thing.

Can I barter this for a new set of clothes?

New set of clothes.

Mm-Hmm.

A suit of...

Sure, I know a great tailor who has the best prices in town.

You mean with the little bitty piece of paper I can get new clothes from head to toe.

Sure, if you're going to see the bishop, it's the habit that makes the monk.

Monk?

It's a figure of speech.

It means that people judge you by your clothes.

Either you're a guy with class or you're a Joe Blow like all the other schmucks.

Huh, everyone's always talking about Joe Blow.

Is he someone special?

Now the other way.

We need a little tuck here.

Oh, what wonderful biceps.

I came for a suit of clothes not a massage.

Sorry.

Mm.

Let's see, it looks terrific, just terrific but there's something missing.

I have it, a pair of shoes.

I was just about to suggest that myself and I happen to have the perfect Ascot.

Of course, sir, your friend does have exceptionally interesting feet.

I think a 58 will do the trick.

I don't want them.

And he's, absolutely, right.

He doesn't want your shoes, he want the shoes I'm going to give him as a gift.

I'll be right back.

Now, are you comfortable in the crouch?

Hey, quit that.

What's with the kneeling?

Something queer about you.

Señor, señor.

Just the two for you. No, thanks.

No thanks, I don't buy shoes, I sell them wholesale.

I'll be back in a couple weeks and I'll have a deal for you.

I have a stock that's coming direct from Italy.

Gracias, señor. Don't mention it.

Oh, we've seen the last of your friend.

Here, just the shoes for you, with my compliments.

Thanks. Don't mention it.

By the way, while we're talking about your friend, he mentioned that you would also be paying for all those suits I made him, which he never paid for.

Oh no, you're up the wrong tree.

I'm paying for what I'm wearing, how much?

1000 with discount.

This enough?

But this isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

This is a publicity gimmick for a new movie.

What a pity darling, I'm afraid you've been had.

This stuffs no good, it's not worth anything?

Exactly.

I wouldn't even use it to wipe my you know what.

I mean just feel the paper.

I'm use to super, soft tissue.

If I see him again, I'll ram it down his throat.

Hmm.

What about this stuff, huh?

Ah, you have money after all.

Real coin of the realm this time but if it's all you have darling, I wouldn't dream of leaving your broke.

Here, I'll take 500 on account.

Pay me the rest when you can.

Hey but I'm gonna pick up my birth certificate and go right back to Amantido.

Oh well, then you'll be here for days.

I mean, you're dealing with bureaucrats and they're always four times as slow as anybody else, except when they're collecting taxes.

Have you a place to lay your head?

Hmm.

You can come home with me if you like?

No, no.

As you wish.

You should find a job, you know, or you'll be broke in no time.

It shouldn't be difficult, there's always somebody who can use those wonderful biceps.

Why not go to the Mocambo Nightclub and apply for a job as a bouncer.

I'm told it pays, extremely, well.

What's a bouncer have to do?

Yes, we're looking for a bouncer.

From 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. you will work in here.

If you see anybody molesting the customers and, especially, the girls who work in the club, you will intervene and kick his ass out the door.

You mean that's all I gotta do?

The compensation is 50 a night.

In flour and sugar? No, in dollars.

Oh yeah, it's a quarter, quarter of a half of a load of bananas.

What does this have to do with bananas?

They make the world go round.

Hmm.


Surrounded by giblets.

What am I paying you for if you can't even find the big hulk.

Shh.

The midgets might have some excuse but he's the size of a mountain.

He must have hold up somewhere to wait for us to forget him. Oh, sure.

If you find him, I'll tear him apart myself.

Good man.

Everyday.

Done. Shh.

Shh.

Good evening, boss. Evening.

If you follow me I'll show you to your table.

First, I have a few phone calls to make.

Who's the singer?

She ain't bad.

Her name's Dorianne, boss.

This is her first night on a months contract.

Did she accept all the usual terms?

Of course.

Where's she staying?

In one of your hotels, the Ambassador Towers, boss.

Perfect.


Orange soda, please.

Come with me sweetheart and come to my table.

I'm very generous.

No thanks, I don't work the tables.

Oh, you don't have to work, I'm inviting you.

What are you doing, man?

You're molesting the girl, so I'm kicking your ass out.

Hey, let go of me.

Obviously, you don't know who I am.

Right, I never saw you before.

You can't do this to me.

I'll have you fired. Out.

Nobody treats me this way.

Let go of me.

When a customer invites you to his table you should accept, especially, when he's the undersecretary for foreign affairs.

I think he's just an ill-mannered pig.

You need to have some sense slapped into you.

Why don't you go ahead and try.

Don't provoke.

Are you out of your, what the hell do you think you're doing, I'm the manager.

I'm gonna kick your ass out the door for molesting the girl.

Come on.

Take your hands off of me.

That's an order.

You're fired, you big ape.

How dare you.

Get off the premises at once, at once.

If I get Cambodia, I'll fire the lot of ya.

I'm serious.

This is no time to hold a first aid class.

Aren't you suppose to be hunting down the ape man?

Yes, indeed.

So, what are you waiting for?

Yes, boss. Right away, boss.

I want him, permanently, removed from the city.

No one messes with Jose Alfonso Torcillo.

Hey, it's Diego the manager.

What happened? Who was he?

Did he fall down the stairs?

Easy, pick him up and take him inside.

How are you, baby?

Fine, thank you.

Why don't you come over to the table?

Well, actually, I'm not that kind of girl.

Ah, girl after my own heart.

No beating around the bush, huh, baby?

Let me drive you home, huh?

Okay.

Is he molesting you?

The ape man. In a way.

Oh God.

You're molesting the girl, so I'm kicking your ass out the door.

You don't know who I am.

The bouncer bounced me right on my ass.

Gee, it's the boss.

Boss, what happened?

Did you hurt yourself?

Did you hurt yourself, boss?

Come with me, hurry. Where?

Don't ask questions, come on.

Where are we going?

You just threw the boss out the door.

You better disappear.

I've done my job and I want my money.

You're gonna lose your job because you defended me.

If you don't leave now I'll lose mine too.

Okay.

It was very nice working with you.

Oh my ass, my ass.

Put him on the couch. You imbeciles.

You turkey, you dimwits.

Oh God, easy, easy.

Please, easy.

It was the ape man who threw me down the stairs.

You're delirious.

Huh?

Believe it or not, it was Banana Joe.

That's the government people.

He's blasted my car and now my business.

He's almost bankrupted me by halving the price of bananas.

He even threw me out of my own private club.

What are you waiting for?

Go get him. Yes, boss.

Show the big ape who I am.

I want him hanged by his ears.

But how many bananas did you eat?

All of them, wasn't I suppose to?

Would you like coffee?

No, thanks.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Have you never seen a woman before?

Well, yeah, one or two but nothing like you, no.

Are you wearing stockings?

No, not now.

I want to make a baby with you.

Oh.

You don't waste anytime, do you?

Where did you say you were from?

It's called Amantido.

It's a lovely island off the mainland.

Are they all like you in Amantido?

Well, not everyone.

Some are a bit thinner.

Do you ask every woman you see for the first time to have your child?

You mean, it ain't right to?

I don't know.

I guess it's original.

Well...

If don't want to I won't be offended.

I guess I'm not your type.

No, it's not that.

Listen, Joe.

You're not suppose to be that blunt.

You have to court a woman, send her flowers, spend some time together and then, if things work out, you talk children.

Flowers.

Well, why don't we make the baby and then we talk flowers, huh?

I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll think about it and let you know.

I'll wait here.

As far as today is concerned, I'm going to bed.

That's more like it.

And you're going to the bishop's office.

After all Joe, isn't that what you told me?

Father. Yes.

Would you do me a favor.

Of course, if I can.

Hi. Hello.

I gotta have a baptism certificate, where do I go?

Oh, that's Father Enriquez's department.

He's at prayer at this moment.

You may join him if you like.

Our church is over there.

It's hot.

Father Enriquez.

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

No shouting in the house of God.

I gotta see a man called Father Enriquez.

He's in the confessional. Thanks a lot.


Shh.

Shh.

Pleases God, if I've done something bad I'm just a poor sinner.

Shh.

It must have been a firetruck.

Do you wish to confess my son?

He must have broken my jaw.

Shh.

Oh señor, you broke your rosary.

Use this one, it's a present.

Thank you, sister.

Amen, Father Christ.

Father Enriquez.

Shh.

Shh.

I will help you most willingly my son but it is beyond my power, thanks to the interventions of the pyromaniac.

I'll go ask him then, where is he?

Unfortunately, it's not that simple my son.

Five years ago, all our archives were destroyed when the building caught fire.

What do I do?

We have no record of you here.

Well, then how do I prove I exist?

First, go to the state department.

Yeah.

And ask for the registry office and there you tell them that you're.

Banana Joe.

And your parents are?

Well, I don't remember having any parents.

I understand.

That makes you son of PU.

No, no, that can't be.

I mean, do I look Chinese?

Parents unknown.

Well, don't worry my son.

Somewhere, somebody will have a file on you.

You'll see. The registry office.

Stay till Sunday, tomorrow, my son.

Do you have a place to sleep?

I guess so.

Who's there.

A secret admirer, do you like champagne?

Oh, Mr. Torcillo.

Jose Alfonso.

It's rather late.

I was about to go to bed.

Great idea, baby.

Why don't we have a nightcap.

You wouldn't want me to drink the bubbly out here on my own, would you?

Well, alright but just for a minute.

I'll go and put something on.

Perfect.

Quick hide.

He mustn't find you here, I'll be out of a job.

You really want me to hide in here?

Shh, make it fast.

My career depends on him right now, so hide.

Yeah, love playing hide and seek, especially with the kids.

No, I'd look under there.

Come on in.

You know, you really should have warned me.

I hope you like the apartment.

I happen to own this hotel.

Oh, yes.

Everything's fine.

Oh, look at that.

You, obviously, love to eat bananas.

It's as if you knew that, that's the way to my heart.

Oh, my arm.

I'm so sorry for what happened last night.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll be fine after a few days rest and relaxation and you're just what the doctor ordered.

Yes, I'm sorry Mr. Torcillo but I'm not the type of girl you think I am.

I just want someone to talk to.

You see, my nerves are shot because I am being persecuted by this big, bearded ape.

I'm not in the mood to make amorous advances.

I just want a little compassion from somebody I like.

When I like somebody I have to possess her.

Don't!

Oh, good heavens, I'm sorry.

It was an accident.

I'm sure it was.

Where's the bathroom?

I've gotta bath it in cold water.

My towel, my towel, towel.

It was him, it was him, it was him.

There's no one here.

But where did he go?

We're alone.

There's no one else in the house.

You must have been hallucinating.

If you say so.

I see him everywhere.

There he is now in the mirror.

No, you can't call that a hallucination.

We need some bananas.

I can assure you, there's no one here.

I know but I'm going to check anyway.

Oh, you're right, a hallucination.

There he is standing over there.

A hallucination.

A halluci...

Mr. Torcillo.

What, you mean that was Torcillo?

What do I pay you buffoons for?

Find the big ape I told you and who finds him, I find him, I find him and he's so terrifying I leaped out of a third floor window.

Owe!

Right into a giant cactus.

The doc's doing a great job, boss.

The boy's taken out 325.

And 26.

A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

Not true boss.

It's an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Find the ape.

I give you two days, 48 hours to find the big hulk and wipe him off the face of the Earth or I, personally, will see that you are the ones that are wiped off the face of the Earth.

Owe!

See Joe, you can get your picture over there.

In that little hut?

Yeah.

What do I want with a picture?

It's the first thing they ask for when you apply for your ID card.

Oh, yeah.

You look better dressed like that.

You look more hip, Joe.

Thanks, see ya.

Anytime you want to sleep on my couch you're welcome.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know if it's hip but in those other clothes I was almost choked.

See you. Take care.

Bye bye.

Bye.

Hey, what's happened?

Is that it?

What do I do know.

Where are the photographs?

Hey, that's pretty neat.

Excuse me, am I okay for the registry office?

Straight through, please.

Excuse me, ma'am. Get to the back of the line.

I've been waiting here till 6 o'clock in the morning with all these people.

Excuse me, where can I find the boss?

I have no idea but over there, there's a guy who shouts a lot, ask him.

I can't listen to you all at once, one at a time please, wait your turn.

Who's next?

Where's your birth certificate?

One at a time please.

Take your application form and this number over to position two.

Next please.

Alright, take it easy.

Who's next?

I know there's a long line, ma'am but it's not my fault.

Write a letter to the president.

I've been coming here for years to get my pension application stamped.

What was that?

I've been trying for years to get my pension.

All I need is now is one...

I don't know what a pension is mother but it must be important to you, huh?

I'll say it's important.

You know what it is to go for days with nothing to eat.

At least with my pension, I'll be able to buy bread.

You mean a pension's a bread ticket?

It would be if it was all in order but without the last stamp.

What's a stamp do?

Once they stamp your application, it becomes official.

The name's Banana Joe and I want an identification card.

Here's the photo.

An identification card.

Did you bring your birth certificate with you?

The name's Banana Joe.

I want an identification card.

Here's the photo.

I heard you the first time but unless you produce your birth certificate I cannot issue an identification card.

You could...

No, no, the name's not Blow Joe, it's Banana Joe.

See, I'm the guy in the photos, Banana Joe.

Yes, I heard you but I'm sorry, Mr. Joe.

Apply at position two over there for a birth certificate.

When you get it come back.

What do I do with the photos?

When you come back here with your birth certificate, you attach it to your application form.

Alright, who's next please.

What's your problem?

Come back with a valid tax stamp.

Next.

The name's Banana Joe and I want a birth certificate.

First, I'll have to see your identity card.

What are you trying to make a monkey out of me or something?

I gotta get an identity card, here's the photo.

I can't give you a birth certificate without proof of identity.

You should have gone to position 16 and got yourself an identity card first.

I just came from position 16.

I'm sorry but if you can't produce an identity card, I can't help you.

One at a time.

What do you want from me, I just work here.

Next.

I went over to position two just like you said I should and this turkey there said they can't give me a birth certificate unless I have an identity card.

That's what he said!

How can I give you an identity card if you don't have proof of identity.

Go back to position two, get a birth certificate and then fill out your application.

Excuse me.

You can't have this without that.

You can't have that without this.

Go to position two.

Go to position 16.

Hey, excuse me, I was there first.

Hey, where are you going?

Wait, come back here you.

Your friend there told me I can't have an identity card without a birth certificate, so let's get on with it Oscar.

I'm just about running out of patience.

Excuse me a second, I'll be right back.

Hey Paco, you got rocks in your head this morning.

What the hell did you send this guy back for.

You know I can't issue a birth certificate if the applicant can't produce proof of identity, which means he's got to have an identity card first.

What can I do!

I'm in charge of this department and maybe if you explain your problem to me, we can find a solution.

All I got is the photos.

I see.

You want an identity card.

Have you ever served in the army?

No.

You never got a draft card?

Well, if I did, I wouldn't have known anyways.

See, I got this hangup, I don't know how to read.

Well, however much I'd like to help you, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do but the best way to get proof of identity is join the army.

If I were you I'd go to the recruiting station down the road and say you want to join them.

Then return here and you'll get issued a birth certificate.

What's the name of the place?

The Zoncada Barracks.

Zoncada.

I'm gonna make first class soldiers out of you candy asses.

I will not tolerate any weakness.

Is that clear?

You.

What job was your position in civilian life?

Scuba diver, sir.

At ease.

You, how did you make a living as a civilian?

Boater, sir.

At ease.

You, how about you? Merchant.

At ease.

That uniform is a little small on you.

I'm only here to get an identity.

You're the strangest looking recruit I ever saw.

You're pretty funny looking yourself.

What, how dare you and call me sir!

I'm your sergeant, I'm your superior officer, I have the power of death over you.

You mean if I call you sir, you call me sir.

Listen, you are addressing.

Sergeant Jose Felipe Maria Marquito and you know what they call me?

The holy terror that's what and don't you forget it.

I eat recruits like you for breakfast.

Now, before you joined up, how did you survive?

I ate bananas.

Why don't you show some respect.

You're in the army now.

Get that through your head.

I'll destroy you, I'll break you.

I'll have you crawling like a worm at might at my feet!

Faster, faster!

Keep your heads down.

I'll teach you to be smart, as this is your first day of basic training.

You look more like pregnant hippos than soldiers.

Crawl, crawl, crawl.

Faster, faster, faster.

Crawl!

Move it, move it!

Move it.

I'm gonna turn you into food for a panther.

The enemy's waiting for you at the end of the assault course.

Keep it moving.

Keep it moving.

What are you stopping for, a cup of coffee?

Flatten your shoulders fatty and keep moving.

Why don't I stand up and step over it?

Cause you're under fire, that's why.

Get moving.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three.


Sergeant, would you mind giving the certificate now?

What certificate?

The one that says I've been a soldier.

Who ordered you to abandon your guard post?

I'm not abandoning it, I brought it with me.

Silence, you're not allowed to talk on guard duty.

What do you want?

The certificate that says I've been a soldier.

Who says you're a solider?

You're still a recruit.

When you finish basic training you're a solider and that's in another eight weeks.

Eight weeks but I can't stay here that long.

I got my boat, I got the village, I got the bananas.

Restraint.

You're in the army now, so pay attention.

I'll break every bone in your body.

I'll drive you into the ground.

I'll keep after you 24 hours a day and so help me Julius Caesar I'll make a soldier out of you yet.

Clear?

And today, I'll teach you the principles of unarmed combat.

How to survive on the battle field without a weapon.

By obtaining the finest degree of efficiency in what is know as the martial arts.

Every good solider should be proficient in judo and karate, the samurai arts of self defense.

So watch closely.

You, step forward, hut.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut.

Alright, throw a punch at me.

Next, forward.

Yes, sergeant.

Take a kick at me.

Mm-hmm.

You, yeah you fatty.

Thought I wasn't looking, huh?

Step forward, I'll wipe that grin off your face.

Let's see what you learned so far.

Give me a punch, fatty.

Don't be afraid.

Try to hit me as hard as you can.

That wouldn't be wise, Sergeant.

I might hurt you.

I'll decide what's wise or not, recruit.

Give me a punch, that's an order.

I warned you.

That's for calling me fatty.

Today I have invited the colonel to watch your training, so, naturally, I expect maximum efficiency.

Anyone of you who is misguided enough to goof off and let me down, will be permanently assigned to kitchen duty.

You are going to show the colonel how I have turned you into soldiers.

Sergeant.

Yes, Colonel.

Are they ready for the demonstration?

Yes.

Stand by and be squadron the first recruit platoon.

A ten, hut.

Permission to proceed, sir.

Put them through their paces, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Stay and be scored by the first exercise, crossing the river without a bridge.

First man, ready.

Forward, on the double.

Come on, move it, move it.

Next man.

Forward, on the double.

Come on, move it.

Next man.

Come on, move it.

Next man, on the double.

Come on, move it, move it.

On the double!

On the double!

What's my motivation for jumping this?

There's your motivation, on the other bank.

The enemy, can't you see him?

Look, this represents a river and this is the other bank with enemy machine guns there.

Now, jump the river and wipe it out.

What machine gun?

It's camouflaged, dummy.

Now get across there this second!

Sergeant Marquito.

Yes sir, Colonel.

Can't you give him an example.

Lead the way, Sergeant.

I will now give you a demonstration of what you're suppose to do.

Right.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three.

The man's off his...

Demonstration carried out, sir.

I consider this an assassination attempt, solider.

Stop jumping around.

Why, you're not worthy of those stripes.

Silence!

Now take the place of that man peeling potatoes.

It's all you're good for.

Marquito, this is yours.

No.

Quit the cackling.

Anymore complaints out of you and I'll have to report you to the colonel.

Keep peeling.


Lieutenant, look there, sir.

That man's deserting.

Stay to the right, soldier.

Pick up the step.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three.


Yes, I'll take care of it.

Well, I did what you said and here I am.

Nobody can deny you've enrolled in the army.

Now I can have a birth certificate.

I still got the photos.

Very well.

Sorry but who has to sign the application?

It has to be counter signed by a witness, any Joe Blow you know will do.

Who is this Joe Blow?

Everybody talks to me about the guy, only I don't know him.

It's just a figure of speech.

All you have to do is go to somebody you know, they sign the application form as your guarantor, then bring it back here, hand it in and a month later you receive the certificate.

Did you say a month later? Yes a month.

You don't understand I gotta get a license to trade bananas now.

I'm sure you do but the minister has to sign every certificate and he's always very busy.

He's the only one authorized to authenticate official documents.

Why don't I take it straight to the guy?

You can't.

Shut up everybody and listen to me a second.

See, I've just been told the minister here doesn't want to see us and I'm willing to bet he doesn't even know that people wait out here for months.

What do you think?

So, why don't we go say hello and introduce ourselves to the guy.

Alright, come on, follow me.

My dear Torcillo, I have had occasion to talk to our mutual friend, the president and he's promised me he will take a personal interest in your problem and, therefore, you can consider it already resolved.

Thanks a bunch, Romone.

You're a real friend.

If you're implying that we got building permission for the whole of the public park at the north end of the city, my gesture of appreciation will be in the region of 100,000 dollars.

Well, it's a little under what I expected.

This way.

What's going on, a revolution?

Oh, my dear Torcillo, I hope not.

Oh, no.

The ape, no.

Hey, you the minister?

I want this authenticated.

Hey, guards.

Guards!

I see, you afraid of something.

Here, we'll hang you up out of harms way.

You don't think we want to hurt you, do you?

I'll authenticate myself if you won't.

You're not authorized.

You're not authorized.

Guards!

Guards!

Who needs anything authenticated?


Hurry, hurry, they're stamping our certificates today!

Come on up, hurry, hurry.


Police!

Don't worry, boss.

You've got no more problems when they lock up that hulk and throw away the key.

Yeah, they arrested him for desertion and sighting him for a riot and publicly insulting a state official.

Resisting a whole squad of police.

You'll never have to leap out the window again.

Owe!

Unlock the door.

If you don't like it don't eat it.

What they lock me up for?

Oh, I'd say they had their reasons, like hanging a minister on the wall.

Oh.

Can't do that, huh?

No, it makes them mad.

I've been in here too long already.

It's about time they let me out.

What is this some kind of joke?

You're doing 10 years for what you've done.

10 years.

No, 10 years is out of the question.

I've got a village to look after.

Besides, I've got no room to move around in here, flex my muscles.

Get in there.

Now you'll have even less room.

You've been given a cellmate.

Now, ain't that a coincidence.

You've got the same hair as the little rat who pulled two fast ones on me.

So, what?

Lots of people have the same kind of hair, it's a natural phenomenon.

You got a bad throat? You could say that again.

Hmm.

You can knock of a yak anytime you feel like it.

Hmm?

Come here, you think I don't know who you are.

No, no, no, I can explain everything.

I'm still waiting for the perfect pair of shoes you were suppose to produce.

If you'll stop trying to choke me to death, I can explain everything.

I, finally, managed to get you a genuine license for trading bananas on the river.

Oh, show me.

Yeah, it's true.

I have this friend who drives for the archbishop.

Sometimes he does me a favor.

You're putting me on.

No, no.

I have friends in all walks of life, a chauffer, some ushers.

Look, how do you think I got to the president, huh?

President.

Yes, our beloved and esteemed president of the republic who will be forever grateful to me if he makes a boy this time.

All thanks to you, huh?

Sure, I took the pill.

No, I mean the president's wife took the pill, which I provided through my friend the archbishop.

You're putting me on.

Will you let me finish the story.

You see, he introduced me to his eminence who was so taken by your story that he called up a friend of the ministry and arranged for you to receive a banana trade just like that in between Amantido and Limas.

Which you brought right over to me.

That's where you're wrong.

You see, I put it in the mail to you, just minutes before they arrested me.

That's fate, huh?

That's fate, alright. You see.

That is crazy.

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you, so help me.

It's the truth.

Hey, Banana Joe.

Yeah, what?

Yeah, you got a visitor.

A visitor?

Yeah, they're waiting for you in the visitor's room.

I'll take care of you when I get back.

Oh.

Hey, wait, wait.

This way. Hey wait!

Wait, hey guards, listen to me.

I can't stay here.

Put me in another cell, he's gonna kill me.

Help!

Guards!

Guards, listen to me!

Guards, my time is running out.

My time is running.

No kissing or body contact and make it snappy. Okay, okay.

I was busy, I'm sorry I couldn't come before.

It's okay.

No, it's just great to see you anyway.

It's good to see you too.

You'll never guess where I'm going to sing.

Amantido.

Amantido.

Are you out of your.

Amantido's a little village.

I mean there's nothing there, just the village.

No, it's changed completely.

Torcillo's built a factory to handle the bananas.

Now, the place is booming.

Tomorrow evening there's the grand opening of Amantido Mocambo Club, dancing, singing, French champagne, even a casino.

I'm singing there tomorrow.

Torcillo offered me a contract, I couldn't refuse.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, I have to give you this.

It was mailed to my hotel.

It's from the ministry of the interior.

You read it to me.

Sure.

Dear Mr. Banana Joe, we are happy to inform you that his eminence, the archbishop has intervened on your behalf.

You are, hereby, authorized to handle the harvesting and sale of all bananas in the area between.

Amantido and Limas, et cetera, et cetera, signed.

That's just what you wanted, isn't it?

He wasn't telling me lies after all.

Your time's up. Yeah.

Goodbye Joe and take care.

As soon as I get back from Amantido I'll come and visit you again.

Don't worry.

Okay, see you around.

Help, help, he's gonna kill me.

Don't let him near me.

Help, help.

Let me out of here.

Somebody help me.

Somebody help me!

Get me out of here.

Open the gates.

No, no, no, let me go.

Please, let me go.

I don't want to go back in there.

Please, kill me, shoot me.

I want to be executed.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Please, please.

Okay, just one blow.

Right here.

No, no, what are you doing?

Don't make me suffer. What are you doing?

I ain't gonna kill you.

What are you doing?

I found a friend.

A friend!

It would have been better if you had killed me, bless yourself.


I want a shine I can see my face in, come on.

Work ladie, work.

Don't forget the pay before starting to shoeshine, boy.

Hello.

Hey baby, where are you going in such a hurry?

I'm just the man you're looking for.

Maybe we can have some fun together.

Go on kid, the boss is arriving.

You'll never be a Henry Ford.

Welcome to Amantido, Mr. Torcillo.

Thanks.

The plans are moving on very smoothly, as you'll soon see.

A couple of building are already done but the nightclub casino is finished.

It's about time I heard some good news.

To open the club with a bang, I brought along a great star, Dorianne.

San Banito, at your service.

Now, if you're so inclined to follow me.

I do hope you had a pleasant trip, Mr. Torcillo.

As you can see I had the campers shipped over for you to sleep in.

Not that I, you know what I mean.

That is, of course, until the hotel is ready.

This way.

Now, this is the part I'm rather proud of, a banana processing plant that runs for almost a mile along the river shore.

The best bananas, those selected by our electronic banana selector, will of course will be sent to you for your own personal consumption.

Thanks. Think nothing of it.

The best part is that none of this is costing you a single penny.

The work force, God bless them, will gamble or drink their earnings away at concessions all owned by the Torcillo corporation.

Yes, I've set up the perfect labor management relations here, Mr. Torcillo.

They do the work and we count the money.

You're doing a great job, Moreno, a great job. Here's the casino.

The interior's almost finished.

After you, Ms. Dorianne.

Here we are Mr. Torcillo, the gamblers nightmare, the jewel of your organization.

We'll rob the jet setters blind.

Come on, we should be finished by now.

What are those crates of whiskey doing out there, they should be in here.

Someone see to it.

Make sure that the slot machines are fixed, so that there are never any payouts.

We're not running a charity here and everything must be ready for tomorrow.

There you see, I've put up a lot of lights in some pretty colors to suck in the savages.

They'll be sucked in here like bees to pollen but they'll never win a damn thing.

Perfect, you've done a really great job.

We'll take those savages for every penny they've got.

Like lambs to slaughter.

How about a toast to success.

Champagne. Champagne.

It's an earthquake, Moreno.

Impossible, they don't have earthquakes in this zone.

Are you sure about that?

Sure, I'm sure about that.

Take a look, it says it all here.

Seismic reports, every square foot has been carefully...

Oh my God.

You know where you can stick your seismic reports, Moreno.

This little baby's got to be at least a niner on the Richter scale.

Every man for himself. The door's stuck, boss.

Someone save the bananas.

It can't be an earthquake, Mr. Torcillo.

Oh, the bearded gorilla again.

Banana Joe.

Papa Joe. Papa Joe.

There you see, it wasn't an earthquake.

It was that bearded gorilla.

I knew this land wasn't seismic.

I was right, Mr. Torcillo.

You're an idiot, Moreno. I'm an idiot, sir?

What are you waiting for, stop him before he wrecks the whole place.

Dorianne, get out of there, you'll be a lot safer.

Joe, what a surprise but you were in prison?

Yeah, that's right but the place was too tight for Joe, he make a mess all over the prison.

That's right, Joe.

Make a mess here too.

Hey, someone get me out of here.

Where are the windows?

Who built in the the windows?

Chill out boss, we'll take care of the bum.

You got nothing to worry about.


This whole thing was in my imagination and there's the culprit right there.

It's all the champagne's fault.

I don't believe in it.

I should have listened to Mother.


You mustn't laugh, boss.

You're bound to get silly.

I imagined the bearded gorilla was ripping the casino apart but he's safety locked up in prison.

Have some ice.

It's hailing Coke.

Oh my God, it's destroying my champagne.

Hey Joe, you and me, we make short work of these punks, ha.

We ain't finished yet.

We ain't?

For our next trick, we're gonna take care of Mr. Torcillo.

Mister who?

He left, Mr. Banana.

I tell you what, I'll go get him.

You wait right here.

It won't take a minute.

He's bound to be around here somewhere.

He can't have gone far.

I'll find him and bring him back.

Have a banana and make yourself at home.

Oh, Mr. Torcillo.

No, no, you got it all wrong.

I'm Torcillo's twin brother.

Sure you are and I'm Bo Derek.

Stand still for a second.

No, don't come near me.

Come on, I just want to talk to you.

Moreno, Moreno.

Where are you?

Where am I going?

Help.

Someone get him off me, help.

Papa Joe, Papa Joe.

Papa Joe, Papa Joe.

What's the matter?

A lot of men come up the river.

They're all dressed the same.

Men dressed the same?

Yes, Papa Joe.

Halt.

Whoops, the police.

The police, oh.

Were you born in a barn?

You Banana Joe?

Here we go again.

You better get out of here.

Alright, this is written authorization from the government that says I can sell bananas.

That's not why I'm here.

That's more like it.

This man's a criminal, a fugitive, he broke out of jail, arrest him.

We've come all the way from Limas for that very reason.

Give me one of those wanted notices.

You're wanted for breaking out of the jail at Porto Grande, along with one Juan Vilas allas Pedro Almeria, allas Paquito Rodriguez, allas Mauel.

He's a total stranger to me.

It's a pity, Joe.

While we were on our way up river to come here and arrest you and your friend, we received a signal via radio from the government.

The beloved wife of our much admired president, has given birth to...

A baby girl. A boy.

A boy, that's great.

It's stated that this historic event was made possible thanks only the pills made of tripolia carpuetes, discovered by Señor Juan Vilas allas Pedro Almeira, allas Paquito Rodriguez, allas Manuel.

And here I am.

I was willing to bet you'd be here.

Our much beloved president has granted an amnesty to everybody and a special thanks go to you in particular.

To me?

Our president now has an heir thanks to you, Manuel.

You'll be granted anything you ask for.

Oh, I can ask for anything.

A television.

No, no, Joe.

How about a hang glider?

No, wait Joe.

What do you say to a pair of roller skates?

Or a video game?

Or a food processor?

How am I suppose to come up with an idea off the top of my head? That's enough of that!

I protest!

What is this, criminals getting presents instead of being arrested.

Torcillo, the climate around here is very hot, now either you watch your mouth or you're gonna end up in the river.

Captain, this man just threatened me with violence.

Me, Jose Alfonso Torcillo.

How dare he do that?

Arrest the crook.

Captain, I can't read but who does this picture remind you of?

Uh-huh, Jose Torcillo, allas Licio Grapputo, allas Francois Duval, allas Calvo Sebastian Sindonas.

Description of suspect, height one meter and 55, weight 120, balding with black sideburns.

Black. Black, right.

Likewise, his eyes are black.

Where were we, sentenced in his absence for extortion in Europe, wanted for embezzlement in Dutch Guiana.

Wanted for the corruption of a public official.

Five counts of attempted kidnapping and unlawful trading in overripe bananas on five continents.

That's you.

Men, arrest this criminal.

Captain. Yes, sir.

You'll find his buddies in what's left of the casino.

Oh, really.

Four of you with me.

Joe, Joe.

I figured out what to ask the president.

I'll have him appoint me president of a bank, huh?

Joe, where are you going?

Manuel. Huh?

You're a crook, right?

Alright, I admit it.

A crook can't become a banker.

Come on Joe, you can't be that naive.

A crook can't become a banker.

A crook can become a banker?

There's an awful lot I don't know.

I'm dumb, I better go to school.

Excellent, Joe.

Now go back to your seat and uh, Joe.

Everybody write their names in their books.

I don't want any mistakes.

Alonzo, you go write your name on the blackboard.

Gosh Joe, I hate school.

Why don't you and me go fishing?

Diego, a man who can't read or write will spend the rest of his life being a Joe Blow, take my word for it.

I'll take your word for it, Joe.