Bandits (2001) Script

Joe Blake and Terry Collins.

This is lieutenant McCormick...

.. of the Los Angeles Police Department.

Put down your weapons and come out of the bank...

.. with your hands in the air.

"One last big heist."

What a great idea!

Yeah, Joe knows best.

Yes, siree.

Joe knows exactly what he's doing.

Exactly what he's doing.

What is Joe getting me?

Stuck in a bank called The Alamo...

.. surrounded by the entire Los Angeles Police Department.

Look out there!

Remember now people.

These guys haven't been prone to violence yet, in any of these incidents.

So, everybody just stay real calm. All right?

Joe Black and Terry Collins have finally met their match.

I think they're running out of luck very quickly.

They're gonna need more tricks up their sleeves than Siegfried & Roy...

.. if they think they're gonna get out of this one.

If you're just turning in, we're in front of the Alamo Savings and Loans... right here in Century City.

The place looks like a war zone.

The troops are moving in here...

.. the SWAT team is moving in, the helicopters...

Lao Tzu says, that even the softest of things...

.. can pass through a horse like invisible water.

Thank you for that completely useless bit of information, Joe.

You know what your problem is? Huh?

My problem? Yeah.

I'm trapped like a rat!

Destined for an early grave.

Kate Wheeler.

You remember Kate.

Traitor...

.. liar...

.. queen of double-cross...

.. empress of deceit.

Hey, duchess.

I get your point. OK?

Oh, do you Joe?

Do you really?

Because as I recall, I remember warning you...

.. in the strongest language possible

.. that taking on a full time hostage was an error of epic proportion.

We had no choice. OK? Yes, we did!

Shoot her, and burry her body in the woods. That was a choice.

Hey! You brought her in! I recall that!

You know what? If we had let her go...

.. she would have gone right to the cops. OK?

Joe, look outside.

She did.

That's exactly what she did.

Kate Wheeler is gonna get the thanks of a grateful nation.

Not to mention a sizeable reward.

We've got shots fired in the location.

Good evening everybody, I'm Darren Head...

.. and tonight we have an incredible story for you.

It's a story that's part soap opera, part crime drama.

A story of betrayal and greed.

It's part Bonnie and Clyde...

... it's part Barnum and Bailey.

It's a story of Joe Blake and Terry Collins...

.. the most successful bank robbers..

.. in the history of the United States.

Now, shortly before the bloody shoot-up that took their lives...

.. I had the opportunity to interview these men in an exclusive interview...

.. when they broke into my house...

.. and, by gunpoint, made me tell their story...

.. from their point of view.

Now, the reason I bring this up, is that the footage you're about to see...

.. was shot on a home video camera by my personal assistant, Julio.

So, it's a little shaky and a little wobbly...

.. not exactly professional.

Now, what happened in the wide range of exchange, is Blake and Collins...

.. revealed to me for the first time anywhere...

.. the inside story, of the daring robberies...

.. that made themselves famous.

24 hours later, Blake and Collins were dead.

Now, we have an exclusive... OK.

Again.

24 hours later, Blake and Collins were dead.

So, tonight, on a very special edition...

.. of "Criminals at Large"...

.. the inside story, the true story...

.. of the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

And... fade to black.

That was great, guys. I wanna keep that one. All right.

You got it. We'll use that one.

It's ridiculous.

If it's not that, it's another.

It's downright unethical...

Nobody wants us to eat this crap.

Hey, Joe! Joe!

May I have a word with you, please?

Hey, Joe! It's a violation of my civil rights.

That's what it is.

Cruel and unusual punishment...

.. expressly forbidden by the Constitution, you hear?

Prison is supposed to be cruel and unusual, Terry.

That's the whole idea.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

Garlic.

Warden Cater has banned the sale of fresh garlic in the commissary...

.. because he doesn't like the smell.

You see Joe, it's like a... .. it's a miracle drug.

High blood pressure, and arthritis, and cancer...

.. emphysema, allergies, anything.

Garlic is the first line of defense. Always.

Hold on one second, mate.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

And I got symptoms.

I don't care what that doctor says.

Maybe now it's not a good time to talk about garlic?

Hey, Joe. You know. Don't worry about it.

Once you come down on that ring...

.. don't... don't do what I think you're gonna do. Please!

You remember what I told you, right Joe?

Don't... don't... don't do the...

You really chipped my tooth, Mario.

Joe, for God's sake. Joe!

Joe! Joe, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Joe! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Joe! Joe, anger management.

Anger mana... Joe!.. Joe! Joe! Joe!

Anger management!

Joe! Calm down.

Breathe.

Have you read the Tao?

Sorry?

You know, that guy, Lao...

Lao Tzu.

Now, here you go. Lao Tzu.

You know Joe, I've begged you to stay out of the library.

You've begged me to work on my anger management.

Yeah, well, medication's quicker.

It's much more effective.

You know what?

I would like to sleep in a comfortable bed tonight.

And to have me a cheeseburger...

.. French fries...

.. big old chocolate milk-shake for dinner.

Ancient Chinese wisdom?

No, just hungry.

I definitely chipped my tooth.

For the love of God...

Does no one else hear that infernal ringing?

Oh, yes. Sure. Go ahead and laugh.

But according to the latest research...

...Tinnitus, which is what they call it, that's what I've got in my ear...

.. I don't make this shit up, is an actual disease.

Go ahead and laugh.

Play basketball, have fun.

In the mean time, I've got goddamn Quasimodo going off in my head.

Bell tower, you understand me?

I got a bell tower in my head!

Hey, you're the driver of this thing?

Yeah.

Pretty easy to drive, is it?

Pretty easy.

Joe?

Oh, my God Joe! What are you doing in a cement truck?

Joe? Joe!?

Joe, what am I doing?

What am I doing?

Why are we in a concrete thing...

.. getting shot at?

Just keep your head down!

Take it down!

Joe! Jesus Christ! Straight ahead is a truck!


How long have you been planning this? It just sort of came up.

Hang on to something!

Deer!

Plastic.

Don't you think we should be looking for a road?

Joe?

Stop. Stop, please.

Madam.

We're gonna need to borrow your car.

You are?

Yes. Would you just leave it for a second, please?

Come on. Here you go. Very nice.

Thank you.

It's a really lovely dress.

Thank you.

Come on.

Thank you! Get in the car.

Ma'am? Yes?

Don't forget your purse.

Thank you.

OK. First things first. We need... What do we need?

We need clothes...

.. we need money...

.. place to hide...

We'd better get a new car pretty quick.

I don't feel good about driving up Main Street...

.. wearing clothes that say "inmate".

Do you know what I mean?

And why are we stopping here?

This is where they keep the cash.

The cash!?

Hey! Stupid!

What cash?

Didn't you say something about needing money?

Oh, yeah. But I mean not right now.

Look, Joe.

Let's just discuss this for a minute.

I mean, I know that money's on the list...

.. but it's not at the top of the list.

Bingo. Bingo, what?

What do you mean, "Bingo"?

Are you gonna knock-over a bank with a "magic marker"?

I mean, what are you gonna do? Write on them?

We don't even have a plan.

You have to have some kind of plan to rob a bank.

We're wearing matching damn uniforms that say "inmate" on them.

Unless these people are blind, I don't think this is gonna work.

Do you understand?

Don't move.

Take out your gun, thumb an middle finger on the butt...

.. hand it to me slowly.

Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be out of your lane in just a second.

No phone calls, no alarms, please!

Cash doors, open!

Take a bag, fill it with cash!

Cash, please!

Ma'am, is there any other cash in the back?

No.

Don't touch that phone, sir!

Are you sure? Don't touch that!

Are you telling me the truth? I'm telling you the truth.

You look very honest.

Quickly, please! Thank you! Thank you!

He made, he made no plan whatsoever for this.

Here we go! Put that right in there.

I'll take it.

Thank you! Thank you!

I'll take that! Here we go!

OK. Thank you very much.

There's just never enough time when you're working.

Thank you for your cooperation!

No phone calls! No alarms!

Here we go! Come on!

Take this.

Sir! In case you need to highlight anything!

Here we go! Let's go!

Hey! Hey! Stop! Stop!

Hey! Ho! Ho, ho! Ho! What?

Sir? I need to borrow your car.

Take the bus, asshole.

Hey! Come on! This car!

Let's go! No, no! This car! This!

Have the gun?

No.

Goddamn it! Hold it!

Come on. Stop it. Act regular.


Chest pain, left arm a little numb...

.. accelerated heart beats, spots.

I'm actually seeing spots.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on!

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Hey Terry, come here.


It's all right.

May I, please, go back to prison?

Not yet.


Oh, shit!


What's your name?

Cheri.

Zip up your pants, Cheri.

You too.

I'm Phil.

So, where's your mom, Cheri?

My mom doesn't live here anymore.

And your dad?

Oh, he's fishing for the weekend.

So your dad left you here all alone.

Oh, no, he thinks I'm at a friend's house.

And how about you, scooter?

I told my folks I had a soccer trip.

Lie to your parents?

You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

I'm sorry...

.. who are you, guys?

Hey, you're inmates.

What'd you say your name was?

Phil!?

Do you think there's something funny about being an inmate, Phil?

We're bank robbers, OK?

So, what's on our mind?

Paraiso del Mar.

Paraiso?

Paradise.

My uncle owns this little hotel, on the water, about 100 miles south of Acapulco.

That's Mexico.

Right. That's where they keep Acapulco, Terry.

But I have sanitation issues, Joe.

We'll buy the hotel, turn in into a night-club and resort...

.. I could wear a tuxedo, sell margaritas to the tourists...

We could have some fun.

You'd do that!?

I mean, you and me.

Yeah.

Partners?

Partners.

Tuxedos and margaritas?

Good, right?

Yeah.

I could run the kitchen, you could work the room...

It's a high-risk business, but, considering the alternatives...

I think that sounds really good.

Just have one question. How do we pay for it?

Well...

.. we are bank robbers.

So, where is it?

Below my belt and above my knees.

No. You know what I mean.

You're gonna get us killed.

Maybe I'll save the day.

We'll both be rich and famous and on TV.

I think there's a way to do it right.

I'm sure of it.

So, where is it?

In daddy's closet, behind the golf clubs.

All right, I'm going.

What's the biggest problem, every time you rob a bank?

Getting caught?

Exactly.

There's guards to shoot at you...

.. there's tellers to hit alarms...

.. there's customers to get in the way, right?

You're right.

You need to control the environment.

No guards, no tellers, no customers.

Yeah, but if you work at night...

.. you still gotta deal with the alarms.

But we don't work at night.

When you do it? Holidays?

No.

We do it with the bank manager... in the morning, with the bank manager's keys and the bank manager's vault codes.

Because we kidnap him the night before.

I mean, think about it.

We pick a town, we pick a bank...

.. we find out who's in charge...

.. we pay him a little visit...

.. we spend the night with him, like we are here...

.. the next morning we all go to work together...

.. before anybody else gets there...

.. we take the money and run.

Tuxedos and margaritas, Joe, just like you said.

Life will be like one big sunset.


Wanna se something neat?

Aim the shotgun at me.

What?

Aim it at me.

Freeze!?

Pretty good.

But first you gotta pump a shell into the chamber.

Like this.

Neat.

Conversation is over, all right?

Well, I feel good in this color...

.. I've always liked this kind of color.

But you boned me on the pants, Joe.

It's really not fair. It's a low blow.

I picked those pants out for me, I laid them out.

I specifically chose those.

Well, well! Look at you, gentlemen!

Are the clothes all right?

Are we looking spiffy in plaid!

He likes plaid.

Oh! Two sugars, right?

Thank you very much.

Cheri, we're gonna have to borrow Phil's car.

Oh! That's OK. He doesn't mind.

The hell I don't.

It's a new transmission.

So, where are we headed?

Rufus.

Where's Rufus?

It's up the road a little ways.

What's at Rufus?

Pollard...

Harvey Pollard.

What?

Oh, you feel the need to shoot?

Well, go ahead, and shoot then.

Oh, you feel the need to shoot?

Well, go ahead, and shoot then.

What the hell?

Feel the need...

Hey!

Ho, dog!

Joe!?

Joe!

What's up? I thought you were still in...

No, no. No. Got out early.

Got out early.

Terry...

.. say hello to my cousin, Harvey Pollard.

Glad to know you.

Any friend of Joe's, man...

Was that, Harry?

Terry...

Well, those are wicked pants!

So, what are you doing? Working?

Special effects.

Well, stunt work primarily.

Well, mostly training right now.

Damn squibs don't fire.

We're looking for somebody that can handle a car.

Well, I can do that! Why?

Banks.

You're fooling me.

Well, hell, Joe, I'm just the man you're looking for.

You want a beer?

Yeah, I'll take a beer. OK.

Timer malfunction.

Drop!

I'm gonna get a beer.

He's honest, and he falls real good.

Me, I wanna make a name for myself with fire.

I've been practicing with gels, you know, mostly on my hands...

.. but I need a suit.

Harvey, speaking of the job...

Never wondered why a man sets himself on fire...

.. and jumps off the top of a 12 story building?

Gosh, no, I didn't, Harv!

Women love a man who loves danger.

You guys were talking before about the "front" man, you kept mentioning this guy...

Will you explain to the people at home and to me...

.. what exactly the "front man" does and who he is?

Well, well, Darren...

The front man handles pretty much everything else except robbing the bank.

He... he rents the rooms...

.. he gets the supplies, the food that, you know, we would eat...

.. he drives the getaway car...

Right.

Joe and I maintain, what you call, a "low profile".

Right.

If the front man is never seen in a bank, we're never seen out of one.

And... I plotted all the banks that we robbed...

.. from Oregon to California... Right Our first bank on the list was the Oregon City Bank.

So, the schedules, and the routines, and the bank guards, the tellers...

.. we got it all down.

But mostly, we watched our first hostage.

Darryl Miller, the bank president, didn't know it yet...

.. but he was about to spend the night with the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

Wow.

That sounded good, right?

Yeah, it's pretty...

Didn't know it yet, but he was about to spend the night with the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

Yes, it's very newsworthy.

Look! It's his job, all right? I asked...

.. I asked him to get me a good mustache... and he gets me something that looks like it came out of a cracker-jack box.

This is not about the mustache.

We've got to work.

Well, he's got you a nice wig.

Look at you! You look great!

Yeah! Have you noticed the burns? They're kinda flappin'.

Hon, can you get the door?

Everybody, dinner in a half hour!

Howdy.

We're here to rob your goddamn bank.

Now, just get in there.

It's OK, mummy.

The important thing, here...

The important thing...

The important thing...

.. is that we spend a quiet night together...

.. and then, tomorrow morning, bright and early...

.. we all go down to the bank together, and...

It's really a reasonable proposition, if you think about it.

Sure.

Whatever you say.

That's the spirit.

Stop playing with your food, Erika.

But it's too long.

Here.

Next time I want you to try to wrap it round your fork just like daddy does.

Cut mine, mom.

Just a second, hon.

The sauce is too wet.

It's not too wet.

Yes, it is. The sauce is too wet.

You know, actually Ms. Miller, this sauce is quite terrific.

It's brilliant. Isn't it?

I hate it.

Thank you.

What time is the vault set for?

7:30.

Tomato/lemon? Yes.

Lemon zest, oregano, a little cream...

See, I cook a little.

Keys?

Two.

I have one...

.. the operations officer has the other one.

There's something in here I can't identify, though.

Is it basil?

No.

Rosemary? No! Don't tell me!

Don't tell me!

Is not that big of a deal.

It's saffron.

Yes.

Yes, it's saffron.

Bingo! I knew it!

You know, sometimes I put a little sugar in mine.

It cuts the acidity.

Pss pss pss... Sugar!

Thank you. I'll try to remember that.

Little tricks, you know.

Wanna see something cool that I can do?

Sure.

Monica!

What?

We've got guests...

Sort of.

Do you think you're gonna fool anybody in that getup?

I mean, you look like Neil Young in that...

What was that album?

"After The Horses" or...

That was "After The Gold Rush" and that's not that one.

It's the one where he's leaning against the tree in the snow.

Or whatever. That's what I was actually going for.

Going out of the bank is almost as important as getting into it.

The hostages were kept under the strictest possible guard...

.. to prevent escape or alarm of any type, you see.

You see, we had to bring their kids along...

.. the Miller children.

Butane?

Copy this. Butane.

You're all clear and ready to rock and roll.

Please, turn the music down.

I can't hear a word you said.

"Clear and ready to rock and roll!"

Thank you.

Hey, girls. You just stay right here.

Everybody should be here in ten minutes.

What's the "All clear"?

What's that?

Washington, on the inside.

What?

George Washington.

When it's all clear, he's facing in.

Make "All clear", Darill.

Cool.

Three more.

Good morning.

Good morning, Darill.

Good morning, Darill.

Good morning, ladies.

Is this a joke?

No, ma'am.

This is a bank robbery.

Hurry it up.

It's not a parade. Come on.

All righty then.

Just have seat with everybody else...

It's not gonna take long.

Monica?

I have to go to the bathroom.

No more juice boxes, Cloe. OK?

If it weren't the fact that the kids had bladders the size of humming birds...

..yeah, we would've been done.

Well, they drank a lot of juice, Frank.

One of these days you're gonna get caught.

It's a really dangerous job. Aren't you a bit scared?

And afraid?

When you know danger the way we do...

I know it like an animal, like a wild animal.

You know what they called me in jail?

No, I don't.

The Panther.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for your cooperation.

Please, make no attempt to escape...

.. because we will be monitoring the police scanners, and we'll kill you if you do.

When you're a well-done machine you exude danger.

Sure.

People fear you...

.. they fear your presence...

The gun really is secondary.

Thank you.


Now listen.

We go separate ways...

.. two weeks from today we meet in Klamath Falls.

Right. Now, you take this map. It's on there.

I wanna go with Joe.

You can't do that.

You can't. They're looking for two men.

And that's why we're splitting up...

.. going solo, as planned.

What am I supposed to do for two weeks?

You stay out of trouble. Try that!

What about the minivan?

You leave it here.

But I like the minivan. It's roomy.

I appreciate that but, as it's a stolen minivan...

.. it's probably better that you leave it here.

Let's go. We gotta go. Come on.

And what about my money?

Here's yours, right there.

We split it three ways. Nothing fancy.

I'm buying me a fire suit. First thing.

I bet I can mail order one out of L.A.

Way to go. Good job, man!

You too, buddy!

Be careful.

Be careful. Stay out of trouble.

What are you gonna buy with your shares?

Paradise.

Two weeks, Klamath Falls.

Be careful.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins.

This is lieutenant McCormick...

.. from the Los Angeles Police Department.

Put down your weapons and come out of the bank...

.. with your hands in the air.

This could be a bad time, but I just wanna point out...

.. that I did warn you that, that woman was gonna be the ruin of us.

Right. Understood.

But, as our future looks rather bleak and miserable...

.. I suggest we figure out what got us here in the first place.

Which brings us back to that woman.


"The most common symptom of Vaginitis...

... is an abnormal vaginal discharge, often..."

"Probably from an allergic reaction to mites."


Out of gas.

Shit.


What is that smell?

It's a gratin of Florence fennel...

...new potatoes...

.. clam and sorrel soup...

.. with cream and mirepoix...

.. and stuffed quail.

Kate, I have a dinner tonight. Clients.

Tonight?

Oh, well. It's just for fun.

I'm going to the gym. See you!

Sweetheart... Yeah!?

Why don't you go see a movie?


Stoop!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Are you all right? Are you OK?

Come on! I'm so sorry.

Come on. Hospital, hospital.

"Cascade Memorial Hospital is located at..."

Can you move your toes?

Voices.

I hear voices.

I heard voices. Are those in my...?

Hey! You pull! You pull!

You pull over and...

You pull over and get out of the car.

Don't need to get all huffy about it.

You... you need to pull the car over...

It was an accident.

Listen.

I will shoot you with this thing.

Oh, go ahead!

It will be an improvement, believe me Are you listening to me, miss?

Kate. Kate.

I'm a desperate man.

Desperate? Yes.

You don't know the meaning of the word.

Desperate is when you wake up in the morning and you wish you hadn't

.. it's knowing that every time you get by in the wheel of a car...

.. you're only a tree away from ending the empty charade that your life has become.

So, don't talk to me about desperate.

Listen. On second thought, why don't you just pull over and let me out right here.

Thank you for the lift. I'll be fine. No. No!

I'll just walk from here. Why?

I'm feeling very fragile at the moment.

I don't think I should be alone.

You're insane!

I'm unhappy.

It's not the same thing.

Hey! I'm a fugitive from justice.

I'm a dangerous criminal.

Oh. That explains the hijacking.

You hit me!

You can't expect to step in front of a moving automobile and make it stop.

Yes you can! I've seen it done!

Will you not yell at me!?

Well, can you slow down, or something?

I wanna get out of here.

I'll jump! That's what I wanna do!

How do I do to unlock this door?

Push your button. Let... let...

Unlock this door!

So, where you're headed? I'll drop you.

You're in no shape to drive.

So, you're a fugitive, huh?

What did you rob? Everything.

"Alert! The Global Positioning System is rerouted! Alert! Alert!"

Where is that coming from? What is that?

Between the second set of trees...

.. the second set of trees, right here.

I'm on fire! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Just don't ask!

Look here! Yeah!

What the hell is this?

Kate, Paul Bunyan. Paul, Kate.

Kate?

I ran out of gas.

And?

And she hit me. With her car.

OK. She hit you with her car.

What the hell did you bring her out here for?

One: I had no choice.

Two: I may have suffered a slight concussion.

And three: She's mentally unbalanced to a spectacular degree.

I can hear you.

I tried to escape. She wouldn't stop.

I almost jumped from the speeding car, Joe!

You hear me? I had double vision.

What was I gonna do?

Your left eye is a fraction darker than the right one.

Nobody ever noticed!

I'm Joe.

I'm Kate.

Oh! What happened to your tooth?

Why don't you just go on your way, OK?

Act like you never met us...

.. and send us a postcard from Crazy County.

Can I stay here?

Is just that I don't know where else to go.

It will only be one night.

Please?

I'm not sure we can do that.

Absolutely no way! That's not possible!

I can't go home.

I can't.

I could go to the police.

I mean... What's to stop me from leading them straight to your hideout?

What are you hiding from?

Anyway... I mean he didn't tell me.

He's very, very discrete.

Come here, Joe. Come here.

What are you...? What's with the...?

Joe, I wanna talk to you. What's happened?

Jesus! This is a very, very bad idea.

In the history of bad ideas this is a humdinger. OK?

She's right about the police.

Shoot her!

Bury her body in the woods!

What am I? Invisible?

She says she has no place to stay. It's none of our business.

Well, it is now that you brought her here, isn't it?

Well, I needed a ride! OK?

There I was sprawled down on the asphalt.

You know the hardest thing about being smart?

No.

I always pretty much know what's gonna happen next.

There's no suspense.

And don't think I didn't see the look in your eye over there...

.. and feel out a little hair and that kind of stuff.

I'm implementing a 24 hour rule from now on. OK?

It's in effect.

24 hours.

24 hours and not a minute longer, missy.

Thank you.

Hey! I'll cook dinner.

I cook the dinners around here.

Sorry. Not familiar with the outlaw code.

Does that mean I'm a hostage?

Well, I was in Las Vegas.

Don't get excited.

I'm not talking to you.

But Joe, you know the costs.

Hotel remodeling, real estate.

I've estimated $20,000 for the kitchen alone.

I mean we're talking about restaurant-quality here.

And that's not to mention the nightclub.

You know, I've got a crippled cousin up in New Hampshire...

.. that's going in for her 7th operation on her leg. OK?

I got my mother's people up in Ottawa...

.. the aunts and the uncles...

.. these bills add up Terry, OK?

Listen. I'm really impressed about any and all charitable contributions.

How crippled?

Did you know you could bet on Irish hurling?

Hey, hey, hey! Excuse me, Harvey!

I'm trying to figure out why my partner here...

..when he wasn't helping improve the Blake family standard of living...

.. manage to spend $200,000.

I met a very lovely young lady from the Netherlands down in San Diego...

Oh! Color me surprise!

.. who took me to this Oktoberfest deal...

.. and they had a big parade and she wanted to ride on one of the floats.

OK? So, I bought her one.

Now, we were drinking these big steins of Holland beer...

.. and one thing leads to another...

.. and I'm throwing $50 bills out to the crowd.

The thing about Irish hurling is that it's like football with sticks.

Stop it! Stop it! Please!

For God's sake, Pollard! OK?

OK. You meet a girl, you go to a festival...

Oktoberfest.

.. you throw $50 bills to the crowd...

I noticed you got a new gold watch...

It's an 18 carat-gold watch.

I don't give a shit how many carats it is.

$36,000. No big deal.

Did you ever think to ask someone about the time?

It's a lot cheaper.

Anything else?

Well, yeah. We stayed a couple of days longer...

.. than I thought we're gonna, down in San Diego, and I had to get her back to the Netherlands...

.. so I chartered a private jet to take her home.

Oh! Of course you did!

The Netherlands. Yeah.

Joe! What?

Listen.

Let me try to explain something to you.

Paradise doesn't come cheaply. OK?

Now, I figured this down to the last nickel.

Now, and here's the important part...

.. every nickel that we spend is a nickel that we have to steal.

Now, that's a lot of nickels, Joe.

I don't wanna rob banks for the rest of my life.

The stress level is just too damned high.

Harvey...Joe... Dinner's almost ready.

Now, this is not bad.

It's a little... Hmm...

.. it's a little chewy, but...

You boys, ever eat and talk at the same time?

We used to.

So, what sort of work do you do? Crime wise.

Bank robbery.

Well, they rob banks and I drive the getaway car.

Harvey! That's enough, Harvey!

Wait a minute. You're not... the guys who go to the bank manager's house the night before and...

They do. I drive the getaway car. Harvey!

Oh, my God.

You're the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

Oh, my gosh, you're practically famous.

The "Sleep-Over Bandits"?

That's us?

Don't you watch "Criminals at Large"?

You should. They're watching you.

You're astounding, Harvey.

So...

.. you rob banks. That's impressive.

What? The little old ladies' saving accounts, and cub-scout dues...

... and homeless orphans' Christmas funds?

Is that what...?

We never stole a penny from anybody who earned it, lady.

The money's federally ensured by the government.

The government steals money from people, and we just take it back from them.

Any more questions, Kate?

Got a spare toothbrush?

I didn't have the time to pack.

God! Nobody could be that sick!

Put that down.

May I?

What are you doing here?

Cleaning my teeth.

I mean, manic depression, delusion, I understand all that.

It's very impressive, but...

Do you know how many germs are on your finger?

That kinda defeats the purpose.

If you don't give me a toothbrush, I don't have much option, do I?

I don't think you're crazy at all, you know that?

I think you're bored.

I think you're bored with your life...

.. and you're expecting that some miracle's gonna drop out of the sky, and suddenly make everything better

.. or at least hopeful...

.. because you lost hope a long time ago.

And your marriage sucks.

But, I'm sorry, Kate. We can't help you.

You don't know me. You only think you do.

You're joking.

Saw it in a movie.

How does it end?

With a wedding.

Beavers and ducks.

Suckers.

I'm not waiting for anything to fall out of the sky.

I'm not bored, I'm angry.

Maybe I'm running out of hope.

It's entirely my fault...

.. cause I picked the wrong life.

"The Valley spirit is a woman.

"Use her root at the Gateway of Heaven, and it will never fail."

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Not a clue.

I'm hoping that it means:

"Figure out what you want and just take it."

Oh, please...

Well, like robbing a bank?

Like that. Yeah.

If only life were that simple...

"Like a shadow on me all the time."

"I don't know what to do,"

"I'm always in the dark."

"We're living in a powder keg, giving off sparks. "

"Once upon a time, I was falling in love."

"Now, I'm only falling apart."

"Nothing I can do,"

"Total eclipse of the heart."

"Once upon a time there was light in my life,"

"Now there's only love in the dark."

"Nothing I can do,"

"Total eclipse of the heart."

Oh, my God. Give me a break.

"Turn around, bright eyes."

I can't believe you know that song!

Yeah. Bonnie Tyler.

Total Eclipse of the Heart.

It's the ultimate sappy chick song.

It's not a sappy chick song. It's very sappy chick.

No, it's not. Please, don't argue cause I've had a really hard day.

This is the song that all girls...

It is an epic haiku...

A what?

It is a haiku to the complexity of love.

It's also pretty embarrassing for guys.

When that song was out, I used to listen to it on the radio...

.. I have to admit I'd get a little misty.

Really?

Yeah, a little.

And I would appreciate it if you don't mention that to anyone.

I won't tell a soul.

Thanks.

It's all right. I'll get it.

Oh, I can get it.

No, no. Just stay under the covers.

You know another song jacked me up when I was a kid?

The song about the pony, one five minutes long.

Oh, I love that pony song!

I love all pony songs.

Really? Yeah!

It's the one that goes: "Ride pony, ride..."

That's Mustang Sally. Close. It's a horse.

Wasn't the pony called Sally?

No this pony. He was called Wildfire. He busted down the stall.

They called him... Wildfire.

Joe... Yeah.

I think I know what I want.

Amazing.

Joe, the 24-hour rule is all that stands between us and chaos.

Are you listening to me?

We're at a crossroads here. And I want you to be very clear about my meaning.

I'm changing the 24-hour rule. OK?

No, no, no. You don't understand.

She's a missing person.

Missing meaning that someone's looking for her.

You get it?

I'm changing the 24-hour rule.

May I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're here to rob your bank.

What the hell is that?

It's a disorder that affects your ability to regulate sleep and wakefulness.

I thought he was dead.

No, that's cataplexy. A secondary symptom.

Sudden loss of voluntary muscle control.

I just have a question. Why now?

Well, in Larry's case...

.. emotional stress is the primary igniter.

Do you have a guest bedroom here, madam?

We'll ask you to start right here in the manager's office.

Go ahead.

You never know what's gonna happen during a robbery.

That's the thing.

There's always a surprise of some kind...

.. you know, beyond your control.

But, I mean, the thing is that you have to remain calm under pressure and think on your feet.

No, no! All that I'm saying is that it seems a little silly falling asleep during a bank robbery.

Well, it may appear silly to you, but there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Done.

I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.

It's OK, Larry!

Nothing to be nervous about.

You see, my body chemistry is extraordinarily sensitive to suggestion Any symptom can be manufactured, given the right circumstances...

.. and that, by the way, doesn't mean it isn't real.

Ah! Jesus! This stuff is hot.

Go get Mrs. Fife.

So, I met this girl and, you know, I wanted to impress her, so I said:

"Do you wanna see me light my hands on fire?"

'Cause I bet you've never seen anything like that before.

And she said: "Well, what about your head?"

Your head?

Yeah, my head.

You know, I don't have the proper gear for that stunt, at least not yet.

I said: "No way!"

But she wouldn't listen, you know.

Flaming hands wasn't enough.

She wanted to see me set my head on fire.

So, what did you do?

Singed off half my hair.

A little bit more, sweetheart.

Here you go.

Is he coming around?

Because... because we really need him to come around.

He's coming... around.

We really don't have that much time. This is ridiculous.

It's the emotion.

A nervous breakdown here.

Guys, we have a problem.

We got multiple bogies at nine o'clock.

What the hell is that?

It's the drive-up window.

Someone's at the drive-up.

At eight o'clock in the morning?

What do we do? Nothing.

Hello.

I'm telling you, if you act too eager like that. Dottie is never gonna give you a second look.

Women do not respond to needs.

It's the police.

Good morning.

Where's Dottie?

Who?

The drive-up girl.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dottie. Of course.

Aaah... she's sick.

Sick with what?

Vaginitis.

She's been suffering from an abnormal vaginal discharge.

It's the common symptom.

A viscous fluid usually associated with... well, Vaginitis.

It's usually associated...

All clear above us.

You're all right?

That was great!

It's exciting, right? Yeah.

Why a college parking lot?

Well, there's lots of cars around.

Even in the morning.

Leave the Jaguar here.

No gambling.

I'll see you in Tonopah in two weeks. You understand?

Yeah, all right. Two weeks. You hear me?

Well, he'll get tired of her.

Just takes time. You'll see.

I don't know. Kate is a special lady.

Kate is an iceberg waiting for the Titanic.

Has anybody seen Kate Wheeler?

Local authorities are investigating the possible connection between the missing woman...

.. and the latest in the series of bank robberies committed by the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

Wheeler vanished just 24 hours before the robbery at the San Andreas bank.

Her abandoned automobile was discovered at short distance...

.. from the automobile belonging to the bank manager Lawrence Fife.

But a much bigger question remains unanswered, people.

Who exactly are these mystery men?

In a related development a federal task force has been assembled...

.. to try to piece together this whole mystery.

Is there a connection between the missing woman and the "Sleep-Over Bandits"?

Is Kate Wheeler associated with the "Sleep-Over Bandits" or is she part of the gang?

We'll keep you updated. Right here as this whole story unfolds. At "Criminals at Large".


Harvey? Yeah.

Do you remember what I said about conspicuous behavior?

Keeping a low profile.

Are you achieving that do you think?

You bet!

Good boy.

What do you think of my boots?

Very lifelike.

Hey! 19.

We'll be right there.

Just so you know, I got a bee up my ass about you two.

Congratulations, Kate.

You're a famous missing person, practically a TV star.

Different for you, bad for us.

You see, we're pretty much trying to keep ourselves out of the spotlight whenever possible.

Nobody saw me. We barely left the room.

Go home! No! Yes! Joe!

It's up to Kate.

What do you mean: "It's up to Kate"?

Relax, Terry Lee.

We went shopping.

Bought me my first disguise.

You went shopping?

Yeah, we went shopping. What's the big deal?

We have a wig.

We have a hat.

For those long sunny days on the land.

What do you think?

I don't care about it. I told you.

Hey! What happened to Kate?

You made a joke?

Oh, that's sweet. They made a little love joke.

So, Joe, is she worth it?

I mean, in theory, isn't one woman just like the next?

So, I was just wondering...

.. you know, is she worth it?

She's got saliva in her mouth.

Of course she's got saliva...

.. everybody does. It's glandular.

She's got more.

Really? How much?

A lot.

A lot? Well, that sounds like a sort of tumor in the gland.

You know, rabies is transferred that way, by saliva.

Terry, no one has ever kissed me like that before.

Ever.

Law enforcement officials have finally discovered the identities of the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

Joe Blake and Terry Collins escaped from the Oregon State penitentiary just three months ago.

Today, for the first time ever, Blake and Collins were added...

.. to both the FBI...

.. and the federal marshals top ten Most Wanted list.

And added to that a half a million dollars reward was offered for their capture.

The identities of these modern day Robin Hoods...

.. was first confirmed by two teenage hostages who were taken...

... after the amazing prison break.

Here. Here they are.

Cheri Woods, wait!

Please, get back.

Are you hurt?

What's the matter?

Did they tie you up?

No. They were real gents.

We ate pizza, and played video games.

Please, back up!

We need to talk.

Did they take anything?

Yeah. They took my car.

They didn't do anything.

They were very nice.

Folks, please move back.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your cooperation.

Please make no attempt to escape...

.. as we will be monitoring the police scanner and we'll kill you if you do.

Thanks again for your cooperation.

Bye, Joe! Bye, Terry!

That's great. "Bye, Joe. Bye, Terry."

Did you hear that?

Harvey?

Harvey?

Harvey?! Aren't we supposed to be following the guys to the rendez-vous?

Pink.

The girl?

Pink boots.

Number one lesson how to get a girl: Play hard to get.

Let's go, sweetheart.

Do you think she needs a ride? No.

I think she needs a ride. I think I need a ride. Let's go.

Accelerate and go.

Go.


Is this the only road?

Don't worry. We'll find it.

You should rest your little head, young lady.

Here they are.

It's OK.

We got them.

All righty!

We thought we'd lost you.

Joe!

You are so cute.

You are really cute.

Harvey, stop...! Harvey!


Dispatch. You better call 911. We've got a major accident here.

We're probably gonna need an ambulance.

Oh, my God.

I think the condition of things is just...

I don't think they should probably even move us.

I'm not sure whether we should be moving at all.

I mean... I mean we should be like... restrained.

Are we in Scotland with a bunch of sheep?

I don't know what this is all about. Hey!

Are you all right?

I need a stabilizing collar.

You probably do, too.

You can't just...

We shouldn't be moving around, and now there's sirens in my head.

I probably have a concussion.

Wait! Do you understand?

It's not in your head.

Listen. Those are...

You hear them, too?

Yeah. It's the police. We should go. Come on.

Let's go, right now.

Oh, sirens!

Come on down here! Hey!

Listen. Yeah. Right. Real sirens.

You need... You need to go.

Listen to me. Pay attention to me.

Listen to me.

Listen to me. You gotta get Kate and get out of here. Now!

I'll get the money. All right?

I'm going with you. No! No!

If you gotta... Go now! Go, go!

Are you OK?

Go with Terry and get out of here! Now!

Let's go now! Come on!

Are you all right?

Kate, go with Terry now!

The police!

I know. Kate, go with Terry now!

Go! Just go on!

I'll wait for you at Pollard's car.

Terry! That's Kate right there! Take her!

The police!

The police!

We can't leave them alone!

Don't flail with your arms!

Move! Move!

Do you heat sirens? Because I still hear sirens. Are they real or not?

Calm down.

Joe'll know what to do.

Joe and Pollard are long gone by now.

His car is still here.

Well, he can get another car.

As a matter of fact, he can get another girl.

He wouldn't leave without me.

Kate! Memo to yourself:

Joe is not exactly the flowers and hearts kind of guy, if you haven't noticed.

And when it comes to running from the police, you don't figure in his thinking, or mine either. OK?

Well, I'm not leaving without him.

Suit yourself.

Well, what are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna flee from the scene of the crime in the nick of time.

That's what I'm gonna do.

And I will give myself a couple of weeks to get my heart rate back to normal...

.. and then, I'm gonna join Joe at the other bank. OK?

That's what I'm gonna do.

Well, I'm going with you.

You just stay away from me. Forever.

Please, don't make me beg.


You, are one lucky fellow. I am?

I got the last room in town.

Oh, but that won't do. I need two rooms.

No. No such thing.

You see all those cars out there?

It's a Debbie Day cosmetic convention.

I've never seen so much pink in my god-damn life.

It's a hell of a thing to do to an automobile.

Right. I don't care what it is.

I have to have two rooms.

Do you want the room, or not?

Are you asleep?

No. This weeble-wobble song or whatever it is, just scares me half to death.

You?

I've been thinking where Joe was.

Is.

Joe pretty much just likes to have a good time and a...

.. a good time, basically.

Alone?

Well, you know Joe.

Cultural events, museums, that kind of things.

He's a very delicated traveller.

He's not alone.

My husband is a terrible kisser.

That's random.

Like how? What do you mean?

Oh. The first time, he took me to a movie...

.. well, he brought me home...

.. and I'm standing at the front door, you know, waiting for the inevitable...

.. and... he looms.

I'm saying: "OK, that's about time" and then he...

He just comes at me with his mouth he just opened so...

Oh, God! That was really wide!

No. It's not funny.

No. I... I actually... I tried to adjust to the kiss size.

It was huge. And I dislocated my jaw.

It still clicks.

You can't hear that?

Kinda.

Can I hear it once?

It's really loud.

Oh, yeah, baby! That's, I mean, you know, it's loud.

He dislocated my jaw and I still married him.

Oh, I don't know the first thing about love.

Oh, I know I look like I do, but...

.. I don't.

Not really.

Love is a wish that hides in your heart...

..and nobody knows about it but you.

Love is blinding...

.. an eternity in a single moment...

.. a religion worth dying for.

Well, it's also time consuming.

And, you know, a pain in the ass, and a hole in the heart and that sort of thing.

Not necessarily in that order, but I'd like to think it is that order, really.

Oh! Bless you!

Gesundheit!

Many happy returns! Oh, gosh!

Oh, this is gonna be one of those.

Really?

Do you...?

Hey, hey! Do you want me...

Do you want me to scare you?

No. That's for... Isn't that for... There's someth..

Oh, no, no. Hah!

No! Don't! That's not... OK...

Now, don't frightened!

What are you doing to me?

I'm just trying to block the flow! You're not helping!

Oh! Gees!

I'm sorry.

Did I scare you?

I'm sorry. A little bit hard there but...

.. you're dribbling a bit but you're not sneezing.

I have food allergies.

Tell me about it.

And... and another phobias.

Like what?

Like descrophobia... which is like...

What's that?

Well, I was in high school...

.. It's the fear of getting smaller.

I lost two inches in six months.

I mean, that's quite significant...

Terry, you're still here.

And antique furniture scare me half to death.

What's that called?

I don't think there's a name for it. I believe I'm the only one.

Oh, no, no, no! Anything before 1950 just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Benjamin Disraeli's hair...

.. there's a problem with that.

I'm afraid of Charles Loughton, actually.

Black and white movies.

Black and white movies?

I just can't eat in front of them.

Oh, my God! I can't either!

You know what?

I think itís better to feel too much than to feel too little.

I never thought of it that way, but...

Oh, no! You're blinking again.

That's just a ventromedial anomaly. Can I just...

May be right. Is that OK?

You see, there's this neural factory between the eyes...

Between the eyes?

It's right in there.

Exactly.

Yeah, I can f... feel it.

That kind of things.

You know, outgoing messages to the nervous system.

That kind of thing. It's a...

.. embarrassment, fear...

It's... big, you know.

.. love and hate.

That's a biggie.

Oh, my God!


There's this scientist, in London, who used electric shocks...

.. to prove that cockroaches have feelings.

Terry, you're not a cockroach.

You're more like a... .. more like a beaver.

A beaver?

In a good way.

A cute one.

I feel like a cockroach.

I mean, that's assuming that cockroaches are capable of making mistakes...

.. and blow apart the world they live in.

Well, if you're a cockroach what does that make me?

Dangerous.


They're here.

We have been wondering about you two, guys.

We were wondering...

... and wondering, and wondering. Hey, Joe!

Hi.

Welcome back.

Missed you.

Yeah. We missed you, too.

Joe, can I talk to you, for a minute, in private?

Be right back.

'Cause God knows, it was a shock to me.

It was more like a... like a revelation of some kind. And yet shocking.

Like a shocking revelation.

I was right about Kate's kisses, wasn't I?

Let me keep her. OK?

I mean, even if you kill me...

.. I don't give shit.

I just want to know what it feels like to have her to myself, before I die. OK?

I'm not gonna do that! I can't do that!

Why, Joe?

I mean, remember, this is like a hobby to you.

It happens to you all the time.

It sort of... makes you...

.. makes you feel like a million bucks.

No way!

But it never happens for me!

Not once, Joe!

Not once does this ever happen for me.

Do you understand the significance of that?

Yeah.

You do?

So, we agree?

Let Kate choose, right?

No, no, no! Of course not!

That's a terrible idea! It's a horrible idea!

What's wrong with it?

Because she'll choose you.

Are you boys sure you don't wanna kick my tires first?

We could all wrestle.

Oh, that's... yeah!?

Or, I don't know. Flip a coin?

You know, for this is best 4 out of 7...

Unless you think that these are incredibly shallow solutions...

.. to a complicated problem that may require a little delicacy and understanding?

Yeah, that... the last part.

Maybe you're right, Kate.

You should choose.

So, choose.

What's it gonna be?

Is it gonna be mister "action figure", hero guy here...

.. or brains, and sensitivity, and a lot of other things I can name.

So, in other words, me or that guy?

Yeah.

Good looking, or itchy?

What if I don't want to?

Don't wanna what?

Choose.

But you have to choose.

What are you talking about?

Exactly that's the point, right?

I know this is confusing.

I mean, believe me...

.. I'm a little confused myself.

You stole my girl?

You take her away for two weeks and you brainwashed her. Brainwashed.

I'm not stolen.

Would you stop it?

Stop it! Excuse me!

Would you stop this?

You're getting his coat dirty!

Coat?

I mean, look at me! Hello?

Would you look at me, just for a second?

I ran away with bank robbers.

Now, that's a... that's a strange choice but that's understandable giving my state my mind.

But then, what did I do?

I sleep with bank robber no. 1. Because he's strong...

.. and he's handsome and he knows what he wants.

Here you go. Makes sense for me.

But, I don't stop there.

Oh, no! Not this little red head!

Due to circumstances beyond the boundaries of any life I ever known...

.. I sleep with bank robber no. 2...

.. and he is sweet...

.. and smart, and... and...

Cute as a beaver.

Yeah. And he deserves more than he thinks he does.

Exactly.

Now, the heart is a mysterious organ, and it, plays by its own rules.

I don't wanna choose.

You know, I don't think I can...

..and... if that's scary or against the laws of...

.. men, or whatever, then...

I mean, you're outlaws, right?

So...

.. I guess I'm an outlaw, too.

Ok, so Harvey, you should park, in this alley right here, toward this end, see?

By the corner of this building.

And you're hidden by the building.

There's a door right here...

".. and I look up, and..."

".. I see these two cars headed, you know, right by each other..."

".. and they collide, right?"

"And there's this red-headed woman that's there and, and she's getting hauled off into the other car."

"The Novato - California teenager had no way of knowing that he was about to capture..."

".. the stunning footage of the Sleep-Over Bandits and the missing woman, Kate Wheeler."

"In this Criminals at Large exclusive the missing woman's husband taped a plea to the men..."

".. who hold his wife hostage."

"Please..."

".. wherever you are... return my wife to me."

"Kate, if you're listening, I want you to know that..."

".. I'm OK."

" I hope you're holding up well..."

".. I hope these gentlemen are treating you correctly..."

".. in the way you should be treated, and..."

".. speaking of which I... I'm going to Spain next week, so..."

".. if your kidnappers would like to contact me..."

".. they can get in touch with my people..."

".. you know who they are, and..."

".. the house is waiting for you right here... where... where you belong."

"And..."

".. the house misses you, miss you..."

He has no idea where I belong.

You belong here.

Yeah, with us.


What a beautiful sunset.

It's Paradise! Yeah.

We'll buy the restaurant, turn it into a nightclub and resort...

A nightclub?

Yep.

And Joe will work the room and I'll run the kitchen, naturally... and have a spa or something like that.

What does a lady like me do in Paradise?

Don't be rude!

You can do whatever you want.

Whatever I want?

Drink margaritas, get your toes painted...

You pick it. What would you say if you could do anything, what would it be?

Whatever I want?

Yeah. Whatever you want.

All right.

I wanna sing.

Sing?

Well, we need a singer.

We need a singer for the nightclub. We talked about that.

We talked about that, yeah.

Do you wanna...?

Do you wanna sing right now? You want me to sing for you?

Come on! OK!

There it is!

All right! Come on.

OK. Oldie, but a goodie.


How are you feeling?

Well, my system's been a flurry of activity.

First I had a high rate of heart beat, seeing spots,...

.. had a prickly sensation in my feet, then there's a sudden hearing loss in one ear.

Oh. That's not what I mean.

Kate, there are guys who leave and there are guys who get left.

I don't think it's any mystery as to which category I fall into.

Terry Lee, I'm not leaving you.

Are you staying? Yeah.

Good night.

Good night?

That's not staying, that's going.

Where are you going?

Did I get the secret knock right?

Yeah. It was perfect.

I really missed you when you were away.

Good night.


Hey! If you wanna talk about headaches, my brother Albert had horrible headaches.

Migraines?

No! Brain tumor.

He smelt burning feathers for a whole year.

You're joking.

No. Some of the tumor was pressing on some gland or something above the nerve...

Olfactive gland.

Olfactive gland, yes.

And, apparently, affected his sense of smell.

But burning feathers? Yes Explain that. Weird, isn't it?

Did he smell them all the time?

All the time. 24 hours a day.

Burning feathers. Great.

Were there any other symptoms?

Goddamn! I knew it!

You're the boys from TV, the... the Sleep-Over Bandits.

I guess that means I'm a hostage.

Oh, you'd better come on in.

We gotta get started. Come on! Come on!

Jesus!

Could you do me a favor?

Could you look at my pupils and tell me if they're the same?

Are they different sizes or are they the same?

I'm not a doctor!

Please, humor me.

Well, the right one looks smaller.

Jesus Christ! Don't tell me that!

You asked.

Do you smell burning feathers?

No.

Brain tumor. I know I do.

What?

The guy there told me my pupils are different sizes.

You're kidding me? No.

Jesus!

First, my brother, and now you?

God!

Pink.

Harvey! Harvey!

What do you mean: "No?"

That's what I said: "No!"

Good manners are no excuse for criminal behavior.

I am not opening the safe...

.. I am not giving you the money.

You know we're armed, right?

Oh! You wouldn't hurt a flea, Joe.

Everybody knows that.

I'm stumped. How about you?

Shit.

Just give us a little bit of the money.

Be reasonable. $100,000 of it is already...

.. is... ensured by the government.

Hey! Get back there!

Come on! Just get back there!

What the hell is wrong with you? It's my bank.

I guess there's a good reason for this.

Oh! The missing woman! I almost forgot!

There's police outside.

Where's Harvey? I don't know!

Will you get back there, please? Ma'am?

Look! There's a policeman! Right there!

Do you know where the bathroom is?

It's in the back there. I hope there's clean towels.

I can't believe this!

I'm sorry to bother you, Mrs. Kronenberg.

But it's after 8 o'clock, and you haven't turned the sign on yet.

And I figured you maybe just forgot the "All clear" again.

Ah, Edgar. Aren't you sweet!

I'll get right on it.

Ah, say.. you know... I was wondering...

I sure could use some cash, and... since I'm here...

Oh, sure! Since you're here...

Come in, officer.

Right this way. Thanks.

Hello.

50 bucks OK?

You've been very successful.

What do you attribute that to? Courage. It takes a lot of that.

This is 500!

These are hundreds.

Oh, bank error in your favor.

Game board kind of joke thing...

Surprise.

It's funny...

I think I've seen you some place before.

It's my face. You know, I have an average face.

You know how people think... you look like every man.

I don't know. Thanks, Mrs. Kronenberg.

Have a good day.

All right.

Wait, wait, wait! I forgot my glasses.

Come on! I'm coming!

Shit!

Come on!

What?

Terry has the keys. Harvey!

Come on! Come on! Get in the cop's car!

Where are they? Mildred, where are they?

I think that way!

Or it might have been that way... They're outside. Yes.

Stop. Stop!

Stop the car! Police emergency!

There's a crook in that police car! Look!

Go after that crook! Come on! Come on!

We can't just leave him there!

There's nothing we can do for him, now!

We'd go back for you, if we had to! Don't be so sure about that!

Joe, this is Terry we're talking about.

Remember your friend, Terry?

That's it! That's them!

We found Pollard.

You know Darren, I mean, I gotta be honest with you.

It's not that difficult.

You walk in, you ask for the money, you walk out.

Listen! I don't wanna rush you! But this would probably be a good time to make your getaway.

Let's go! Come on!

Get away! Get away! Let's go! Let's go! Put that down!

Come on! Go!

We're sorry! It's only cash...

Thank you!

Drive carefully!

Come on, let's go!

Dispatch! This is Lincoln 6!

We have an armed robber...

Is it not enough that every cop in the Western States...

.. along with every mouth breathing reporter is on our ass?

You have to sabotage us from within?

I didn't do it on purpose.

That's not the point.

The point is you're dangerous and you're dense and you're stupid!

You're fired!

No way! I quit!

Harvey. Call it what you want!

He's right, you know?

I'm not a bank robber. I'm a stunt man.

Besides, you don't need me! You got Kate!

Are you sure?

Yeah... I quit.

You could have put us back in jail, Harvey!

I'm sorry, Joe!

Maybe I'll see you guys in Mexico.


Nice car.

It's not mine. I stole it.

What are you gonna do now?

Drive to Hollywood.

Yeah? Why?

I'm a stunt man.

Do you wanna come with me?

No.


Hey, Terry? Yeah.

Remember what I told you about my brother? The one with a brain tumor?

.. who was always smelling burning feathers?

It's emblazoned on my brain forever.

You know, he never quit.

Never gave up trying right to the very end.

Hey, Joe! I know just how he feels.

Good night, Joe.

You guys, you guys...

.. I mean you've been together for quite a while.

Do you consider yourselves good friends, still?

Oh sure. Absolutely.

People say there's no honor among thieves.

Totally wrong, right Joe? Totally wrong!

Darren, it's like... Lewis and Clark.

You got Lewis...

..he's stuck somewhere out there in Africa...

.. lost in the African wilderness.

And Clark...

Al Clark, I think his name was...

.. he drops what he's doing and goes to find him!

He goes to find Lewis. And you know why?

Because of friendship. That's why!

For God's sake, Joe...

That was Stanley and Livingston.

Not Lewis and Clark.

You know, Lewis and Clark tried to find the North-West passage...

..with the help of this statuesque Indian maiden.

But they were friends, OK? Of course they were.

He was asking us about friendship.

You always got to correct me.

I'm sorry. You're right.

You're up!

I couldn't sleep.

I was thinking maybe that you and I could go to this place...

Where's Joe?

He's asleep. Sound asleep.

Terry? He is. He's sound asleep.

If we could maybe come down to this... bar down here...

.. and maybe just sit there and have a nightcap or something.

It's a little late, don't you think?

Oh, no! Gosh! Not at all!

He'll live. You know?

Act like it's the last most important thing you'll ever do in your life.

Please?

All right. I'll just get a coat. OK.


I love this song.

Actually, I never heard it before.

I have to press A1 on these things.

It's an obsessive-compulsive thing.

It's a pretty song, though.

I played it 6 times.

Just run away with me, Kate, please!

Just get in the car and we'll just drive, and drive, and drive...

And then we'll stop at the perfect place, and we'll stay there for as long as we want to...

.. and then we'll get back in the car, and then we'll drive, and drive...

.. we'll find another perfect place.

I'm just...

.. this is kind of sudden. Isn't it?

This is crazy.

Well, not to me, it isn't.

I need a whisky.

Can I have a whisky, please?

Vodka, please, and a glass of milk.

Could you warm the milk?

I got a right side problem of some sort.

God, I hope I don't have a brain tumor.

Hi, Terry.

How is it going?

Hi, Joe.

What's going on?

Not much. Just...

You're here by yourself?

You're OK?

I'm having trouble feeling my lips a little.

They're not numb, are they? A little bit numb.

Oh, boy!

Joe! Hi.

I thought you were asleep.

Yeah. I was asleep.

He woke up.

Anybody wanna dance?

No. I don't think so.

Why don't you dance with Kate? No. Not me.

No, go ahead.

I'm not really a dancer, you know.

Come on, you're a big dancer.

Dance with her. I don't feel my arm.

I'd rather not, Kate.

Kate's got her dancing clothes on.

I just wanna sit...

Come on, get over there...

You're all right?

You kids, have fun.

Terry, you're odd. No. Just fine.

You're kind of tilt?

Yeah, well just a momentary...

Actually, I'm very, very light on my feet.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

I'm a... pretty good dancer.

Looking good, Terry.

That's a pretty song.

Come on, dance with me, Kate.

Oh! Maybe you should do us some dinner.

Happy? What, honey?

Mind if I cut in?

Yeah, sure. I've lost the beat.

Don't you think we should...

No, no! He'll be fine. Just take a little rest.

You guys go right ahead...

Dance with me.

Run away with me, Kate.

We can get in the car and just drive, and drive, and drive.

Hm? That is a great idea.

What about Mexico?

Mexico will wait.

What about Terry?

Terry will just have to wait, too.

I am so confused.

In what way?

In every possible way.

Just come on outside with me for a minute. Come on.

I've got a hot milk.

What?

I've got Terry some hot milk.

I'll just get him a hot milk.

I'll go check on Terry.

You're all right?

I've got you some milk. Will help you sleep.

I'm lactose intolerant.

You're what?

Lactose intolerant.

You're lactose intolerant?

Severe diarrhea.

Severe diarr... Right.

I'll just be outside, here on the porch.

Do you smell burning feathers?

Burning feathers?

Joe's older brother, Albert.

He smelled burning feathers.

He had a brain tumor.

Joe doesn't have an older brother.

I have no right side.

No right side? Is that what Joe told you?

Can you feel this?

Oh! Yes, I feel that! It hurt.

Joe does not have a brother?

No brother. Albert?

No Albert.

So the burning feathers was a lie.

You're sure?

Positive.

Where is Joe?

Outside.

Joe, I've been thinking.

Yeah, me too.

I've been thinking that I don't have a brain tumor because you never had a brother.

And I can walk, too.

Did you notice that, Joe?

Look at me. I'm walking.

I'm walking around you. You see?

Never cheat a pal! Never cheat a pal.

Isn't that what you always said? You cheated me first!

I did not! Did not!

You cheated me first!

Yes, you did! Bullshit!

What about Paradise?

I don't give a damn about Paradise.

I'm out of here. Well, guess what? Me, too.

Ok? Happy?

You won't make it a week without me and you know it.

I will with Kate.

Over my dead body!

That hurt! Shithead!

You bit me!

Stop it!

You hit me!

Just stop it!?

Oh, God. This is over!

Not till somebody is either dead or in a coma.

And I hope it's him!

No, I'm talking about us.

I won't let you do this to each other.

I just... I can't.

I'd rather see you in prison.

At least there you'll be safe from each other.

And yes, I'm aware that this is entirely my own fault.

Is just that I...

.. I bit off a little more than I could chew...

.. but I...

.. I just never felt this way before, and...

.. I...

.. I can't choose between you.

What if everyone only has one big love?

I mean, I know that this one's a little bit bigger than usual, but...

.. what if we only have one?

And you know why I can't choose between you?

Because together, you're...

.. you're the perfect man.

Kate, we weren't... we weren't really gonna... Right?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, boys.

This is over.

Kate!


Big, ain't it?

Hmm, it's just a bank.

Big.

Yeah. Big.

Oh, my God! It's them.

They're here.

Oh, mamma.

Kate Wheeler may have started out as a hostage but she's looking more and more like a bank robber to me.

That's ridiculous.

There's no way we can calculate the impact of her captivity.

This is Patty Hearst all over again.

Patty Hearst went to prison...

Which was a mistake...

Excuse me. It's long distance.

You wanna tell her you love her right now?

Both of us.

Yeah, and she knows it.

Listen. Listen to me.

I miss you.

And Joe misses you.

What I'm trying to say is we both miss you.

Equally, equally.

We both miss you equally.

Hi. Hi. How are you doing?

Well, we've been, we've been...

.. thinking.

I've been doing some thinking, too.

What were you thinking?

I can't live like this.

I mean that's the first thing.

Well...

.. which is entirely our fault and we take full responsibility.

Really. Absolutely.

No. It doesn't matter whose fault it is.

Not anymore.

Let me talk to her.

Listen to me.

What if I told you there was a way out of this?

One more, big score. OK?

Just one. Nice and safe.

Oh, I don't like the sound of this.

No, no. No more tricks.

No more tricks. No more sleep-overs.

We just walk in, we show them our guns, we take the money...

You show them your guns?

But... we've got it all figured out.

No! No! I can't let you do this.

Oh, no! Please don't do this.

It's a really bad idea.

Kate, Kate, listen to me. Listen to me.

This will work.

The reward for the capture of Joe Blake and Terry Collins has been doubled.

To a million dollars.

Question now is how much longer the two can continue their crime spree.

Their faces are known to just about everyone...

Good morning.

How are you doing? Let's go.

Outside. Come on.

Keep moving, Shorty.

Oh, my God!

What are you guys doing here?

Shut up. Let's go.

All right. All right.

Come on. You too.

In front of us. In front of us.

Here we go.

Good evening everybody, I'm Darren Head.

.. and welcome to "Criminals at Large".

We have a very interesting and unusual show this evening.

If you look behind me, you can see that we're not here on the set of "Criminals at Large".

We're broadcasting tonight out of my home, out of my living room...

The "Sleep-Over Bandits" Joe Blake and Terry Collins are sitting with me.

They wanted to set the record straight about Kate Wheeler.

I wanna say to you, to the American public...

.. to all of the law enforcement agencies out there across America...

.. Kate Wheeler was never involved in the bank robberies with us.

She was our hostage...

.. she was an unwilling hostage...

.. she was never, ever involved.


Ladies and gentlemen, good morning!

You are about to be robbed.

I'm Kate Wheeler.

Keep your hands where I can see them.

Where's the bank manager?

Very good, sir! Come with me!

Nobody moves!

The gentleman there, there on the corner.

Lay down!

I've never heard them talk like this before...

.. and I think they're armed, they're dangerous, and I think they're serious.

All right. Let's make contact with them.

The SWAT team is standing around.

The helicopters are overhead.

It's an incredible scene here at the Alamo Savings and Loans.

It's ringing.

Yeah! Let me tell you something!

This is Joe Blake, OK?

You will never take us alive!

Do you understand me?

Now, we want safe passage to Burbank airport...

.. and we want a plane to fly us out of there.

No! No more phone calls, OK?

You just do what I ask you!

Hey! You are not gonna take us alive!

"You're not gonna take us alive?"

That's right.

Great thinking, Joe!

How about, they will not take you alive!

You know, I'm flattered that you've included me in your little...

.. going out in a hail of gunfire kind of concept...

.. and everything, but I think you've gone nuts, frankly.

The troops are moving in here, the SWAT team is moving in...

.. the helicopters are overhead...

If you look in the back there you can see that Joe Blake and Terry Collins are in the bank...

.. the hostages are still in there...

Everybody, hold your positions.

I'm all through running, Terry.

And guess what? I am, too!

But I got a better idea.

I wanna throw down my weapon...

..and put my hands in the air and go bank to the federal penitentiary...

.. where Kate Wheeler wants us!

Can't let you do that!

Oh, really?

What if I don't give you that option?

Everybody, hold your position.

You guys, just hold on one second.

Put that gun down! Make me!

Make me? Yes, make you!

Come on, this is not the third grade...

You can't do any better than that?

Well, I'm out of well-turned phrases at this point, Joe!

The suspects are in a standoff to themselves.

Put your gun down!

Hey, don't even think about that!

Hey don't you point that gun at him!

Now, get out of here!

And the rest of you, too!

Don't anybody move!

That's a hostage coming out! That's a hostage!

It looks like somebody's coming out of the bank.

Somebody's coming out of the bank.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins are in there...

Put it down! Shut the fuck up!

That shot was just fired from the inside!

You shot me!

You bastard!

Oh, God!

Be advised! The suspects are shooting at each other!

You, son of a bitch!

All right. On Terry!

Stand by!

Hold your positions! Hold your positions!

Come on! Red team! Everybody just hold!

All right. This will be the shotgun on Terry.

Now!

Wonderful.

Suspects appear to be down inside!

Just go on! Get out!

Applause.

Red Team, go!

Red Team, go!

Secure them!

What is she doing?

Come on, let's go!

Unbelievable!

Joe Blake and Terry Collins are down!

The police shot them, or they shot themselves...

... but it looks like that Kate Wheeler is up on the stairs; she's fainting!

Kate Wheeler is the woman who turned in the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

I need help here for Mrs. Wheeler.

Let's move! Now!

They're picking her up... Get a shot of her! Right there!

You fainted on the steps there.

Are you in shock?

What happened there? Yes. I was just in complete shock!

Mrs. Wheeler, it is true that you tipped off the police about the bank robbery?

Yes. I did.

But none of this was... supposed to happen.

I just wanted them to stop.

Good morning, sunshine!

Open the bag!

Come on, let's go!

Great job, you guys! Great job!

Let's get out of here.

OK! Let's go!

Grab the money! Come on! Come on!

OK! Let's get out of here!


Oh, God!

It's gonna blow!

You've gotta run! It's gonna blow!

The vehicle transporting the bodies of the "Sleep-Over Bandits", has exploded.

Apparently, the bodies were wired with explosive.

The bodies were totally incinerated with no trace of Joe Black and Terry Collins.

Toast to Paradise.

To us!

You'd better wait for me!

.. and the million-dollar reward!

So ends the tragic tale of the "Sleep-Over Bandits".

Or it doesn't.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins captured the imagination of a nation.

And in death their lives are quickly becoming the stuff of legends.

Blake and Collins weren't heroes.

They never claimed to be.

After the interview, people came up to me and said:

"What were they really like?"

I know as much as anybody else:

They robbed banks...

They certainly kidnapped the wrong woman, they shot each other to death in cold blood.

The rest is rumors and speculations.

Stuff of folk tales.

And in the end...

.. maybe that's the way we really want it to be.

I'm Darren Head.

We'll see you next week on another edition of "Criminals at Large".

.. fade to black.

That should do.

.. who are now united together in holy matrimony.

.. and have witnessed the same before God and this company.

.. and have pledged their love to each other.

.. and have declared the same by the joining and the giving of the rings.

The groom may now kiss the bride.


Hi, gentlemen.

So, why don't we start from the beginning, all right?

How... how did you guys meet?

Well, you know, lifting weights, pumping the iron, you know the usual way, trading cigarettes...

Terry had an imaginary appendicitis...

.. and then he had an imaginary blood poisoning.

I was working in the infirmary.

The medical term is septicemia, and it wasn't...

Anyway, one night in the infirmary, I'm hearing this howling sound...

Darren.

You know, like a...

.. like the noise the cat makes when the cat's in heat.

That sound, you know.

One thing we always like to remind ourselves...

.. before going into any job was "expect the unexpected".

Right?

Always sounds like good advice.

Except, of course, if you are expecting the unexpected, and...

.. well then it really isn't unexpected anymore, is it?

And that leaves you vulnerable to the truly unexpected.

Because you're not expecting it.

Everybody saw the videotape.

It's kind of famous by now.

.. with Kate Wheeler, the bank robbery...

Why don't you, right here on this show, set the records straight about Kate Wheeler and your operation.

The girl was terrified, you know...

.. with us, I think...

.. both as men, and as bank robbers.

And didn't like us.

Never liked us...

.. we never got along...

.. from the very first moment we met.

Don't you guys ever get really scared?

I mean, this job is so dangerous...

I'm immune to danger. I dance with danger.

I walk up to danger and tug it on the ears...

.. and sneer at it, make funny faces at it.

"You know what? Come on! "

That's what I'm saying.

You know how you have to be like?

You have to have nerves of steel and I have a nervous system which...

I mean, as a child, God knows, I was a nervous kid.

But, you know, you get in there...

There's something about the adrenaline, and... What are you laughing at?

You're immune.

I'm immune to danger.