Barbershop 2: Back in Business (2004) Script

Come on.

Come on, man. Get up.

Come on.


Move it! Out of the way!

Hold it!

Don't move! Don't move! Get away from that window!

Get over there! Do what l say!

Oh, shit. Pick up my meat.

You hungry, brother? Do l look hungry? Get over there!

l might be a little hungry, but get your hands up!

He ain't got no gun. You think l ain't got a gun?

Shoot me, goddamn it! l'll shoot you.

You mother--

No. Come on, Hank!

Back up, back up!

What you know about a brother needing a job?

Big Floyd Patterson haircut head. You don't look like Floyd.

Shoot. l just wanted to barbecue. lt's the goddamn Fourth of July.

Can't a black man have a goddamn Fourth of July, too?

Open up! lt's the police! Sweet Jesus.

Kick it in!

Don't mess with my conk. You want a barbecue?

ls there a problem, officers?

Yeah. We're looking for a thief. You seen one?

Me? No, l haven't seen a thi--

Hank, you seen a thief around here?

No, no, not around here. No, me, either.

No thief.

You guys aren't celebrating the holiday?

Sure. We're just finishing up our last customer.

l said play like you cuttin' it.

Eddie, you can't talk about people just 'cause they biracial.

Why not? 'Cause that's silly.

They can take it like anybody else.

All l'm saying, Calvin, is black folk love to take credit for they half-black brothers and sisters till somethin' goes sour.

You know, like Tiger Woods-- we claim him.

Lenny Kravitz. Lenny Kravitz--count him.

As soon as they go freak out just a little bit, go a little crazy, get a little glitter like Mariah Carey, then all of a sudden it's the other half that went looney tunes.

What about Vin Diesel? l don't know what he is. Half car.

What black man do you take credit for?

l was mad when l found out dude was black.

Hold on there, Terri.

The D.C. sniper is like the Jackie Robinson of crime.


Tell them, Eddie.

He broke into the white leagues with that crime.

That crime took planning. Not only planning, it took math.

You know, it took math to figure out all them trajectories to shoot from the back of an automobile.

That's white-folk shit right there.

With the problems we got, black folks used to could say, ''At least we ain't crazy.''

Our crimes made sense.

Ain't got no money, rob somebody with money.

Black folks are just as crazy as white folks.

Mike Tyson-- he's like three crazy people.


Hold on, hold on now.

He half Cherokee or something. Don't put him in with us.

DVDs, CDs. lke Turner's greatest hits with Tina on the cover.

Got something you ain't gonna believe--

R. Kelly on tape with grown women.

Fred, don't buy nothing from that fool.

That Nemmo tape l got for my son has a crack deal on it.

Why you always lyin' on me? Ain't nobody lyin' on you.

Line me up. l got a meeting in 19 minutes.

Head to your meeting 'cause l got next.

K-Rod called and booked the spot after that, but l can get you at 3:45 or 1 1 :00 on Tuesday.

You a superstar now? The Eminem of the barber world?

Yeah, that's why they call me Slim Fadin'.

This used to be my chair.

Wasn't but two seconds ago your pasty Pilgrim ass was sitting at that front seat and nobody was feeling you.

Well, they're feeling me now. l'll touch you up.

My customer's running late, so l can take you.




So... what's it like working for Alderman Brown? lt's good. The alderman is a great mentor.

Must be nice doing what you said you'd always do. l really admire that.

Apple juice? What's going on here?

Who set this up? This shit ain't funny.

What? This. You being nice to me?

You admire me? You got back together with Kevin, didn't you? l do not need a man to make me feel good.

Plus, l'm trying to be at peace with myself. l don't know this woman.

Would you know me if l shoved my foot up your ass?

Oh, yes, there she goes.

Let's go.

Lookin' good, Mr. Stewart. Now you can get your swerve on.

Calvin, when you get my age, you don't swerve.

You just be happy gettin' that bad boy out of park.

You tell him.

You got something smaller? l don't got change.

Just keep it. You ain't got to tell me twice.

What'd you do, hit the lotto? l sold the cleaners. What?

Yep, sold it. Time for early retirement.

Quality Land Development came in and made me an offer.

More money than l'd ever seen. l jumped at it.

What are they going to put in? A Kinko's or something. l heard they was gonna move a Subway over there.

A Subway and a Blockbuster.

Yep. White folk is coming back.

They tryin' to make money on a brother.

This ain't about white folks comin' back.

Most of these businesses coming in are black-owned.

This whole block is gonna get upgrades.

They can tear down all this mess around here.

Change is a good thing.

Long as they ain't buildin' liquor stores and titty bars, l'm cool with it.

Wait a minute now, Calvin. lf they build a titty bar across the street, l ain't never goin' home.

Hey, babe!

Here's your shit. l burned the rest of it.

The next time you want to call yourself sleeping around behind somebody's back, make sure she look like something

'cause l heard all of your little shit.

Your cell called the house, and l heard all two minutes of it.

No, l didn't hear it? Are you trying to call me a liar? l don't even see how you could cheat on me with your toddler penis. l hope you had a good time.

The next time you come back, l'm gonna get medieval on your ass. l got a sword, l got an ax, a box of bullets, and l'm gonna get both of my babies' daddies to jump on that ass!

What does she gotta have both of them for?

Shut up!

Like l was sayin', if they build a titty bar across the street, l ain't never goin' home.

You couldn't go home if you wanted to.

You act like you know what you're doing.

Please, man.

Now watch this. Balance. No. Balance.


What is all that Circus Dee Soleil that you're doin'?

All that flippity hippity stompity stoobily-doo. lt ain't necessary to cut nobody head.

What's up, dawg? l don't get the ''l''?

Come on, dawg. You know l gotta have the ''l.''

Stop playin'.

Where do you want it? Right here.


That mess ain't right. l want my rent money on the first.

Not the second, not-- Hold on, let me finish my thought.

Not the second, 'cause l'm not the bad guy here.

Am l the bad guy here?

Come here.

Check it out, little man.

One thing you're gonna constantly have to deal with in your life,

and that's broke-ass black folks.

They gonna be hard to spot 'cause they dressed real nice.

Don't let that fool you, 'cause the nicer they dress, usually the broker they are. l like hanging with you.

You know, this is gonna be yours one day--all of this.

Hey, Calvin, you goin' over to Emma's?

Tell her my niece sent her a graduation picture Friday.

Bring me back a sweet potato pie. l ain't bringing you back nothin'.

Hey, Keisha. Where Janelle at?

She's not here yet. Hey, boo.

Now, why you even go there?

You can read a calendar. You know she called in sick. l need my rent money. The bank want they money on the first. l need my money on the first, not the second and not the 1 5th.

Come here, Coley.

Come here. Your mommy leave you with this crazy man?

Crazy? l'm about to drop him off at Miss Emma's.

Ain't that right?

You know, your daddy used to like to play with those, too.

And this. Watch your mouth, girl.

They can remember that shit-- l mean stuff.

Y'all see Calvin baby boy? Hey, Coley.

You know that should have been your baby. l know.

After Calvin and l stopped dating, he started thinkin' small.

He opted for the Happy Meal instead of the Super Size.

No, he opted for less drama. lt's her six-foot Pocahontas weave. That's what it is.

She ain't weavin' it up like most of y'all in here.

Y'all just mad 'cause she got a little lndian in her family.

Please. That girl got perm in her family.

Why every time l come in here, you start up with me?

You know l got love for you. lf you got that much love for me, tell Janelle to give me my rent before l turn off the power in here and have all you ladies runnin' out screaming.

Bye, Gina.

How come you not playing with Coley?

You're just my baby. Yes, he is.

Stop. Say grace first.

Jesus wept.


Why what?

Why did Jesus weep?

'Cause he was sad. Why was he sad?

'Cause they didn't let him eat his biscuit.

Now, you know l helped raise you better than that.

Raised you like you was my own son.

Okay. l gotta go, Miss Emma.

When you get back here, you better tell me why Jesus wept.

You know what? He probably was mad

'cause they wouldn't let him put jelly on his biscuit before he left.

l ain't seen you in two days.

And why you look so damn tired?

Ricky, just be a man and let me know. l'm being a man. lf you got somebody else, then just say it.

You don't need to be slippin' and slidin' and hidin'.

Nobody hidin'. This ain't no subterfuge. l just been busy. Doin' what?

'Cause you sure ain't doin' me. Who you doin'?

And what the hell is a subter-fudge?

Listen, you know how it is, all right?

When we together, we together.

And when we not, we not.

That Ricky, he's the man.

Please. He's a clown.

Be like Mike, not like Rick. lf l was like Mike, would you like me?

Brad Pitt. Mel Gibson.

Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton?

He's a freak, and l likes me a freaky man. lf l had to choose me a white boy to sleep with, l'd have to say Mini-Me. Mini-Me?

Use your head.

What? What?

Use your head.

You bad girl!

Excuse me, Miss Watson. l'm sorry.

Hey, Dinka.

Good morning. What's up, D?

Thank you, Dinka. They look great.

Beautiful shoes. Thank you, Dinka.

Damn a Mini-Me. l'll take me one of those.

All l'm saying is we need to keep our eye on Trent Lott.

We need to know where his ass is at all times. He racist!

He's the poster child for stupid white men. l don't know about that. Dan Quayle couldn't spell ''potato.''

You know what? You right about that, Checkers.

You know what?

You can be a stupid white man and get elected president. Twice!

All l'm saying is if you're gonna have oral relations with an ugly, fat white girl with low self-esteem, lock the door.

Lock the door! Click.

Handle your business.

There it is.

Calvin, come look.

They're gonna lock your ass up for talkin' like that.

When did they put that up?

Guess it ain't no titty bar.

Hold up.

l can't believe this.

Quentin! Hey, Calvin.

You like our sign? Not too flashy, l hope. l don't want it to fight the funk of the neighborhood. l thought this was a club. What is Nappy Cutz?

You never heard of us? lt's a franchise, the black man's answer to Supercuts.

Got ten locations nationwide.

This'll be the first one in Chicago.

Ten chairs with every amenity the African-American male desires.

On my block? lt's just an alternative.

You the man. Your shop is legendary.

Only business on the block to survive the riots of '68.

We can't compete with you.

l gotta go.

Listen, when 24/7 opens, l'd love to buy you a latte. l can buy my own damn latte. l know what this is. You're tryin' to compete with us.

lt's not a competition. lt's a rout.

Your business will be closed in six months, seven at the most.

When the bank forecloses, l'm gonna buy your shop and turn it into a more viable cash cow, like a Bally's or a Jamba Juice.

We could bypass all the stress if you would sell it to me now.

But of course you wouldn't do that--too much pride.

And l respect that.

l respect that, too.

You be safe out there. l was gonna say the same thing to you.

What did slick-head negro want?

These guys fittin' to open a shop on our block?

They're gonna take all our customers.

Quality Land Development buyin' up everything.

We just gotta step up our game.

Hey, Rick, you handled that deposit for me?

You gonna have to cool it on these extra activities. l don't care about your vampire hours as long as you do what l ask. lt's not what you think. l had some-- Some bullshit to do.

You should've asked me, someone more dependable.

Both of you can kiss my ass.

Hold up, don't fall apart. Don't fall apart.

Not right now, okay?

We got competition on the block.

And l guess change, that's a good thing, right?

Well, it's free enterprise. This is America.

Shut up, Dinka.

Survival of the fittest. Says the privileged white boy.

The privileged white boy do a better job on that fade.

You're starting to cross the line. Relax yourself.

Quit it. Quit it.

Don't sweat it, Cal. We got your back no matter what.

Come on, everybody, let's go back. This ain't nothin'. l've seen this many times. They come and they go.

We gonna be all right. We gonna be fine.

Man, why you trippin' back there? Why you frontin', man? l know you're supposed to be the superstar, but don't you ever roll up on my customers.

What was you thinkin'? You're right, man.

Okay, it's my bad. lt's my bad.

His fade was a little crooked, though.

lt's hard being that good, ain't it?

Look, Cal, it's ht's thhe pnrofessionnalismm thhat is bestowed uponn mme

whhenn h comme innto Nappy Cutz thhat h appnreciate.

Did that boy say ''bestowed upon me''?

That's what it sounded like. ht's thhe bikinni waxes thhat h love...

Look at the couches, man, and the lighting.

Look at that.

Last week h hhad mme a mmilk bathh.


Ohh. baby.

They dippin' sisters in milk over there?

Give me some cookies. l'll go over there myself.

Was that...

That was him! lt looked like him.

That's a look-alike. How can they get him?

Turn that mess off.

That little girl is nasty!

Back to work.

Checker Fred, back to checkers.

My boys up in Memphis go to Nappy Cut.

They said it's off the chain.

They got honeys in bikinis, be serving wine when they walk through the door.

That ain't nothin'. l heard they got fish in the floor, swimming.

You standin' on top of them.

You could pick a fish out, get it baked, broiled, fried, grilled, fondued, souffléd, sautéed, sushied, all that. Fondued? l like that whole massage thing.

That's tight.

Let me tell you all somethin'.

That's not a real barbershop.

That's a fake, franchise, corporate version of a barbershop.

That's why they got gimmicks.

They ain't got no real character up in there.

A real barbershop got real people, real conversation, and most of all, real barbers, and that's what we got here.

Calvin, my man!

Oh, God.

Kenard. Hold up. Dude, look-- l love you, cuz. l love you, man. l finished barber school on Wednesday, and now l'm working in a shop today.

That's how family supposed to do for each other.

Did Jennifer call you? l spoke to her this morning.

Did she tell you that maybe l'll try you out? Maybe? l'm down with trying out. l'm about to be Rookie of the Year up in here.

That's me, man?

Baby, you're putting me in the front chair?

The best chair in the shop.

That's how family supposed to do.

You right, too much love.

What's up, player? How you feelin'? All right.

Freddie Douglass! You old school! Come on.

You can do it. Come on, now. All right!

What's up, girlfriend?

Okay, okay. What's up, brother?

Everything cool?

Don't leave me hanging.

Mutombo! What'd you shave your head for? l'm with you, brother. We goin' back to Africa.





You know you know me. l know you not gonna let him put them pictures up, not when you made me take Lola Falana down.

Kenard. lt's a probationary period.

You understand probation, don't you?

Who is this orphan?

All right, all right.

Rich, where you at, man?

Ain't never seen nothin' like that in your life.

Yeah, that's good.

Tighten myself up.

Yo, Big C, explain him.

Call my wife, man. That's her people.


Who's next? Come on.

Have a seat right here. Kenard's chair.

That aroma is kind of gettin' to me.

What kind of coffee is that? lt's not a coffee. lt's a chai with soy.

Okay, so it's herbal. Yeah, it's herbal.

You must be a lot like me. You lactose intolerant.

Yeah, l'm lactose intolerant. l go near a cow, and my behind blow up like Dizzy Gillespie.

Downright flatulent.

And the smell.

Man, the smell that come out of there, it's so bad, sometimes l have to set myself outside. l'm not lactose intolerant, all right? l have a very healthy metabolism. l tried to have some of them little, bitty Milky Ways--the small one. l ate two of them at a party one night, and, man, it just got...

l just couldn't control it. lt was the lactose intoleration.

Listen, l'm not lactose intolerant.

Look, man, all that's fine. l'm trying to help you. lt's just not fair for your date.

You gotta think about if you on a date and you up here sneakin' 'em off, and she's trying to wonder, ''He seem like he dressed nice, he seems clean, but what is that smell?''

And you tryin' to act like you ain't got no--

Take care of yourself.

Sir, l am very nice to black people, okay?

Nice to black people?

You better be, especially me. l keep my stuff with me, okay? l cut you.

You can look me up on the lnternet,

That's me right there lookin' at you.

Hey, watch it! Move!

Your precious love

Your precious love

Heaven must have sent you from above Must have sent you, baby Heaven must have sent your precious love Your precious love To find a love like ours Stop!

To find To find With your finger.

To find To find Your finger goin' up there, but you not. l need to find a new tenor.

Man. l wish my brother Darnell was out.

Eddie, where you goin'?

What the hell's the matter with you?


Get out of the way, fool! l can't wait for you.

There's a guy on the other side of the rig!

Get off the truck! Get off!

You wanna know my name, right?




l'm not saying we made out of money. l'm just saying we need to step it up a little bit.

We're about to get punked by Nappy Cutz. lf you don't think big, you'll never be big.

Calvin, you run a family operation. You do not need to step it up.

Them clowns at Nappy Cutz, they're not about to take away your business.

Your shop is a neighborhood institution.

Come on.

People don't care about institutions. They got fish in the floor.

Just swimmin' around.

You can get it fried, baked, sautéed, sushi--

Who told you that? Little Rodney at the shop.

Little Rodney told you he saw fish in the floor.

Well, he actually didn't see the fish in the floor, but his cousin in Atlanta saw fish.

You know that's ridiculous.

Little Rodney probably heard it from somebody who heard it from somebody else who was at Nappy Cutz when they dropped their Filet-O-Fish onn the floor.

That's ridiculous. l can't believe you said that.

Sun salutation, ladies.

Feet together, bringing it to prayer pose.

And reach!

Butterfly, butterfly.

Bringing it back to prayer pose.

Deep ujjayi breath.

Breathing in radiance, beauty, light.

Breathing out any heavy burdens.

The key to enlightenment is to work through your anger, not have your anger work through you.

First position.

One, two, three.

He ain't shit! He ain't shit!

Jimmy! What's the deal?

What's up?

Lookin' good, baby boy!

Always, always.

Still ain't shit.

Just a little while ago, he was cuttin' hair.

Good morning. Good morning. Alderman Brown's office.

Good morning, Maggie. Good morning, sir.

Any messages? Yes, sir. A whole stack.

Good morning, Alderman. Good morning.

Good morning, sir. Good morning, Jimmy. l'd like a moment if you have it. l don't. This faithful constituent is in need of counsel, and l have to provide it.

Reach one, teach one. Remember that. lt's an issue of vital importance and it'll only take a minute.

You have 59 seconds. Thank you.

Have a seat. Thank you, sir.

Not you.

l wanted to bring to your attention a particular concern of mine.

Are you familiar with Calvin's Barbershop on 79th and Exchange?

Yeah, l'm aware of it.

They're opening a Nappy Cutz across the street.

Yeah, l know all about it.

Shouldn't we do something about that?

Why should we?

Competition is a cornerstone of democracy.

The future is not what it used to be. Remember that.

But you did say you wanted to keep that particular area fertile for small-business interests.

Fertile. l did say that, didn't l?

This boy is gonna be the governor of the state of lllinois one day if he learns to do what l say when l say it.

Now, l'm not one for explanations, explanatory things explained.

Write a report and have it on my desk by the end of the month.

Sir, l think we should move faster than that.

Think need, not speed. lt's better to measure a thing ten times and cut once than to measure once and cut ten times.

Your minute is up, son.

This is gonna be great for the neighborhood.

We'll see.

Here he comes.

What's up, Samir? Not much.

How are you doing? All right.

Very nice shirt on you.

We need to talk to you, Calvin.

What's going on?

We've been approached by Quality Land Development.

They're building a cineplex there and they're making us an offer.

We're thinking about taking that offer.

The money isn't bad.

Plus, the money isn't bad.

Stew sold him his cleaners and took his Viagra-popping ass to Miami. l ain't mad at the brother.

What's that got to do with me? You got your mind made up.

No, we haven't. But l bet if you came on board and sold them the barbershop, they'd probably pay us double.

That would change my mind. Absolutely.

Y'all know l can't do that. Why not?

We've been there since '58.

So if y'all wanna sell and go down to Florida with them funky-ass voting booths, you can go ahead.

But l've gotta keep mine.

You're making a mistake, bro.

No, my friend, you're thinking about this all the wrong way.

Calvin, there's a lot of money to be made here, son.

Go talk to your boy.

Come on, babies. Today is the day.

We came a long road to get here.

Pay attention.

Lighten up.

You come in here some days looking like Joe Frazier in Jamaica.

People don't like that. You're too pretty.

Learn how to cook. l know how to cook.

Make him hush puppies or a Spanish omelet.

Hey there, Calvin. Hey, Calvin.

What's up, Cal? Yo, lsaac.

What's up, boss man?

You all know why l called this meeting.

Nappy Necks, whatever they want to call theyself across the street, is openin' up in three weeks, and they're tryin' to get our ass out of here, like it or not, and we ain't havin' it.

You know what l mean? Damn straight.

So my plan is this.

Fire up the barbecue in the back, have a little customer-appreciation cookout.

That's smart. That's good thinking.

Just burgers and dogs, free haircuts for the kids.

Show the people we care about 'em.

Show them that whatever they goin' through, we down with them.

You feel me? l feel you, Calvin.


Man, l feel all of that. lt all makes sense.

That's why l got to raise your booth rent.


You can't do that. lt's my first day. Why, Calvin?

We got to pay for this somehow.

Forget about it. We in a crisis, and you can double my rent.

You don't even pay no rent. What? ln that case, triple it, then.

Not to throw salt, but why you don't pay no booth rent? l don't pay rent 'cause l don't pay rent. Okay?

So pour out your cup of haterade and sop it up off the floor and get some business.

Also, l want to institute a couple of new rules.

You comin' at me with too much.

That's all for one day. Take baby steps.

Rule number one-- no more profanity. l know you about to say something. Don't even say it. l ain't sayin' nothin'. l'm thinkin' it.

Rule number two-- don't be late.

Who was it that said, ''Be on time for something other than...''

''...before 1 1 :00 at the club.'' That's what it was.

Y'all got jokes. My bad.

Kenard, them jet beauties, they got to go, man.


They're my inspiration, my muses.

He made me take down my picture of Lola Falana. l can't cut without the butt.

That's perfect for me 'cause maybe you'll quit.

That's what l thought.

We're going to be more family friendly around here, and l want everybody to start greeting the customers by name.

How are we supposed to know everybody's name?

That's ridiculous.

He's not even showing up.

Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap!

All that yapping leads me to rule number three-- no more loud talking.


Watch it.

Thank you, Calvin.

Horace, thanks, man. l appreciate your coming through.

All right, Calvin.

Take care, man. No problem.

Appreciate your business. All right, Calvin.

God bless.

All right, Calvin.

Bye, Horace.

You're next.

What's up, Cal?

Thanks for what you're doing. We appreciate it.

Hi, Jimmy! Hey, everybody.

This is not happening. We got an appointment.

You gotta get out of the chair. Eight Mile gave me this time exactly.

We're almost done. l'll be right with you. l'm terribly sorry about the inconvenience.

Calvin, this is why black business does not succeed.

We're never on time.

You're always coming in late. You leave early.

Giving to the needy and the greedy instead of the deserving.

And double-booking our clients!

Why do you have a schedule if you ain't gonna use it? lt is 1 1 :02. That means your man has to get out of the chair.

That means it's my time, and l'm not havin' it.

Come on, man, you gotta bounce. This is ridiculous.

Vamoose. Come on, let's go.

Get him. Sit your ass down!

Come on, have a seat. Enough of it already.

Sit on down, West Wing.

Up in here like you're from Lifestyles of thhe Richh annd Fammous.

Only reason you're in here is 'cause your daddy didn't use a LifeStyle. l'll tell y'all one thing-- all y'all are doomed to fail. lt was nice and quiet in here, the way l like it.

Just hush. Everything was hush.

Free barbecue--food, fun, and free haircuts for the kids.

Bring 'em on down. Bring all the kids.

Here you go, girl. We should have kids so we can bring 'em down to this barbecue Friday. l think we can squeeze four out of that ass. l didn't mean to insult you. We could probably get five.

What's up, Tyson? Free barbecue this Friday.

Don't be eyeballin' me. You ain't hard. l'm just playin'.

Boy, it's hot out here. l'm tired of handing out these fliers, but my cousin say l gotta do it.

Before they got his ass, they was all over there together--

Saddam, Osama, all of them livin' in a big old beach house just kickin' it.

Got all the money in the world and some of them ho's from the Snoop video.

They just freakin' 'em. Freakin' em all, boy.

And ldi Amin over there, too. l thought he--

No, no, he ain't dead. No, he ain't dead.

You can't kill no big Yaphet Kotto-looking Zulu nigga.

You know better than that. Eddie, you need to quit it.

Let me get some ribs!

Can l fix you a plate, Dinka? No, l'm trying to watch it.

You don't need to watch it.

She throwin' it at you, dawg. What's up with that?

Shawna is a nice woman, but l don't know if she's the one for me.

Who the one for you? Terri?

You need to let that go. That's not gonna happen.

That's the good news.

You don't need a loud, evil, neck-rollin' chicken-head like Terri.

That's what you need. Go on.

Go on over there.

Go on. lsaac, run to the store and grab me some ice.

We're running short on ice.

Kenard ain't doin' nothin'.

Yeah, man, but l asked you.

Don't do me like that, man.

Can you get me some ice or not?

No disrespect, Cal, but l've been bustin' my ass in there for you. l've been bringin' in a lot of business. l see you. So why you treatin' me like a scrub? l treat you like everybody else around here. l'm happy you got it goin' on now, but l need some ice.

Can you handle that for me?

Yeah. Get the ice.

Two bags.

Thank you, lsaac.

Where you goin'?

Cal wants me to handle some business.

Store run.

Can you bring back some toothpicks?

The minty kind. Minty freshness.

Right on.

Oh, yeah. She want one of Uncle Eddie's burgers.

That is one right there. That's delicious.

This is burnt.

No, baby, that ain't burnt.

That's barbecue.

See that brother over there?

That's burnt.

Well, why can't l have another one?

'Cause you can't. Now, look, it's free, ain't it?

There's people over in Ethiopia starvin', and you sittin' over here complainin'. l'm not gonna eat it. You sure ain't. l hate you! l'm gonna tell my auntie.

Go to the crack house and tell her.

Ain't nobody scared! Tell your auntie!

This is Eddie. l ain't scared of nothin'.

You can tell whoever you want to.

What'd you do to that little girl? l ain't do nothin' to her.

Little Moesha tryin' to criticize my culinary skill. l ain't scared! Get your auntie!

Eddie, man, don't be so crazy. l should've known your old ass was startin' trouble.

Hold on, Gina. Oh, shit. lt was just a misunderstanding. Ain't no misunderstanding. l should've known you was out here actin' a fool. l'm tryin' to teach little Sister Souljah here some discipline.

Now, it's obvious the way she bein' raised, she headed straight for the peniten-sherary.

Raised? Maybe if you stopped raising your hand to your mouth, you wouldn't look like Shamu of the South Side.

Okay. l see where you're trying to go with it.

What kind of man treat a little girl that way? l wouldn't expect you to know what a man is.

But l'm gonna give you a clue.

Give you a hint, throw you a lifeline. lt's one of them things you can't keep!

Oh, l can keep a man. l can keep a man.

No, you can't. l ain't want you, Calvin. What about you?

The last woman you slept with was battery-operated.

So? And she was white, too. l had a black one, but the bitch didn't know when to keep her mouth shut.

Why's she gotta be a bitch? Why you gotta get up on me?

Be cool, now. Shut up, Calvin.

Who you tellin' to shut up? You.

Everybody get out of here, little kids and big kids. l'm gonna tell you what the problem is.

What's the problem? What's the problem?

You don't know your role. Know your role. Speak on. ls you living in the dark ages or something?

Do l look like Gina Cleaver? Hell, no.

What's your role, watching ESPN and holding your shit all day?

Ain't nothin' wrong with that. Nothin' wrong with that.

What you tryin' to say?

Get your lazy ass off my couch and get a job.

Get a damn job.

Y'all got all the jobs.

That's kind of true. Shut up, Calvin.

You got one more time to tell me to shut up.

You got a lot of nerve charging these sisters out here money to get their hair did, and you lookin' like Chewbacca.

Don't listen to him. You look good, girl.

What about you? Look at that damn 'fro.

What you be doin', sweepin' up the shop with it?

l do what Calvin need me to do every now and then.

What Calvin needs you to do is get off your fat ass and cut some heads.

How you gonna talk about size when you one Reese's Pieces away from Jenny Craig yourself?

What you doin'? l know you ain't-- Don't get in my pool. l'm in your pool.

Let me tell you something, you old negro spiritual.

Wadin' in the water The next time you snatch some food out of my niece's hand, l'm gonna kick your ass, and then l'm gonna burn your freedom papers.

And trust me, l'm just big enough to do it.

Can't nobody argue with that.

Don't worry. She ain't about to do nothin'. l got a reputation to keep up around here.

And that little girl is a devil child, now.

Look, l know she bad. That's why you come to me.

She got to snappin' her neck around, l got to get back at her. l'm sorry. You make sure she get that, okay?

Put one of them links on.

You think she want a link? She want a link.

Which one? Right here?

Give me that one right there.

Okay. You give her that, now.

You make sure she get that and tell her Uncle Eddie's sorry.

Me and you cool, all right? Yeah, we cool.

You got a little somethin' right there. Get that.

Now get your elbow. l ain't got nothin' on my elbow.

Look like a gingerbread man. l bet that link don't make it on the inside.

How'd you get with a girl like that?

Get that door for little Calvin, Junior. l got what they call that savoir faire.

She fine.

Now, l know you ain't payin' that nappy negro no heed.

Why you even sweatin' it, Cal? That Web site's been in my head.

That Web site don't mean nothin', Cal, man.

Don't even tell you what it might be like on the inside.

Come on, let's get ready for our customers.

Jimmy, hold it there. All right.

Yeah, yeah.

What the hell goin' on?

Since y'all wanna be funny, no rap before 1 2:00 now.

Come on, man.

Y'all just clownin' up in here.

Eddie, where the hot wings? l tried to tell 'em.

You need a man that's gonna take care of you. l'm talkin' about a good man.

A Muslim man.

And you that man? Could be.

Sorry. Once you a customer, can't have no relations.

Bad for business.

She just had a pork chop.

She ain't tryin' to hear nothin' about no Nation of lslam.

Shut up. l heard that.

That pork be callin' me, too.

Let me tell you somethin'.

Nation of lslam is more than a pork-free diet. lt is the word of Allah as told to the Prophet Muhammad.

Look, all l know is l'm down with Jesus.

Watch what you say 'cause l'm holdin' the clippers.

Change the subject. Exactly. l got a question.

You don't find it odd, as a black woman, to have a savior who looks like Kenny G?

Kenny G? That's right.

Now, his Christmas album was tight.

Look, Jesus is not white.

He's Caublinasian, like Tiger Woods.

And you just about workin' my last nerve.

Pay Calvin.

Speaking of Muslims, is Ahmad Rashad Muslim? l don't ever see him wear one of those bow ties.

Sorry. Did l wake you?

Late night of creepin'?

You don't know jack about me, girl.

You know what your problem is?

You know what onne of your problems is?

You're bitter. l'm through, is what l am.

That nice Terri routine? Ain't nobody fallin' for that.

A nice woman wouldn't be doggin' my man Dinka.

Dinka? Ain't nobody doggin' him.

That boy's in love with you, girl.

But you don't want a good man, right?

What you want, a roughneck to cheat on you and slap you around?

What about them bitches you roll with? Watch your mouth.

All of them skanky as hell.

''Ooh, l met Shaniqua in the strip club last night.''

Those are nice girls?

You don't know everything. l know enough.

Hidin' behind some tattoos and a prison record.

Grow up, be a real man. Why you even care?!

Show you what to do with this.

Take this right up here, put it on the door, twist it--pop! lt'll put you in like Flynn.

You know what else you could do? You get a half pound of C-4, put a little timer on it-- tick, tick, tick, boom!

Blow up the whole block. l got some at the crib.

What's goin' on?

No. What?

Don't even think about it. That's what l told 'em. l said the same thing. lt's killin' me, man. l just gotta know for myself.

We not breakin' in to Nappy Cutz.

You want to know what's in there.

No. The answer's no.

We're not breakin' in. l will not allow it.

Hurry up.

Five minutes. We in, we out.

This is like Oceann's Elevenn. This is my kind of stuff.

Check this out. lt's huge! Size isn't everything.

Keep telling yourself that.

Eddie, what you doin'?

Didn't we come over here to see it? l can't see diddly.

This is the joint, B! Look at this. l don't see no fish in the floor. Where the fish at?

That's crazy!


You can say that again.

Goodness! What?

You can't fry none of that, though.

You can play ball up in here, man.

No, you can play ball down the street.

Like a brother can't get a haircut without trying to play some ball.

They got the Wall Stnreet jounrnnal.

Top of the line.

This is what a barbershop's supposed to look like.

This is leather. Word?

That's pleather. lt's leather. lt's ugly.

Lookin' around, it's a nice shop, but it don't have no character.


What we got across the street is character.

We got character, we got conversation, and we got...

We ain't got one of these.

Lord have mercy! This is pillow top!

Come on, City Hall, show me what you got.

You're startin' to get on my nerves.

You're startin' to get on mmy nerves.

Let's crack it. l checked it already. Let's crack it.

You got me.

Put the ball down.

Oh, shit.

Hey, y'all open?

No, bro, we closed.

Look at all the people. Let me in.

Hey, bro, we're closed.

Help a brother out. We goin' to jail.

Two seconds, two seconds.

Just let him in, Big C. Don't let him in.

We can't leave him out there. Then let him in. l'm trying. Kenard, let him in.

Put that paper back up.

Yes! Hey, y'all!

This place is nice!

We closed. Go across the street and get your hair cut.

Kind of raggedy over there. Just a quick touch-up. l'm flying back to L.A. tonight. How about it?

Who can do me? Not me, l got carpal tunnel. l got you.

You got me? My man.

We got Nappy Cutz on Crenshaw. Love it.

Everybody loves it.

Hey, man, get these clippers goin', player.

These ain't supposed to be out yet.

This is German-engineered, titanium teeth, silent-whisper engine. Listen.

King shit. They just clippers.

This would double, triple your business.

You know what? l'm gone. Have fun.

Y'all hurry up.

Don't steal nothin' and don't break nothin'.

Just close the back door when you leave.

Hey, Detective. We was just lookin' for you.

What the hell's going on here?

We heard something--

You broke into Nappy Cutz?

You take anything? No.

Damage anything? No.

Kind of nice in there?


Oh, man, they got a basketball court!

He's beautiful, isn't he?

l just want him to have everything l never had. l know you do. And he will.

So you coming to bed?


You tryin' to get something started? l was hoping so, but you better catch me before the rollers go in.

Looks like you gonna have a little brother or sister.

Put them rollers in. l might like that. l got contact lenses--blue, green, bloodshot red--left ones only.


Just the man l wanted to see. Come back and talk to me.

l didn't know you was workin'. Come holler at me.

How's life been treating you? lt's been cool.

Me and my girlfriend's husband got in a fight.

He only won 'cause she helped him.

Good to see you. Come on back. ln the back-back? Yeah, in the back-back.

With the scissors and everything?

How you been, Cal?

You been going to church and living your life right and everything?

What you jumping for? l ain't know what you was comin' with.

My nerves bad. l'm light-skinned.

Can you get this stuff on this list? l'm looking to get high-end stuff at low-end prices.

You know l can. Legally.

You mean like with a receipt legally? Like l ain't steal it. lf the police walk up, do l gotta drop it and run? l can get anything you need.

Nappy Cutz won't know what hit 'em.

This is not about Nappy Cutz.

This is about personal enhancement, personal growth.

Expansion. Not Nappy Cutz.

Right. They won't know what hit 'em.

Come on over here and get your hair cut. l'm working at Calvin Jr's. Come be my first customer.

What you mean, ''Uh-uh''?

Can you hook me up with lsaac?

The one with the ''l'' cut in the back?

You got a 'fro! You can't be gettin' the ''l'' cut in the back.

Condoleezza. With all that White House money she makin', you'd think she could afford herself a makeover. lf l was in the White House, l'd be fly all the time. lf you was in the White House, you'd be ghetto as hell.

She'd have the president all corn-rowed out, talking about, ''U.S., fool. U.S., fool.''

The president would be a thug.

She think a head of state's a sexual position.

''l'm inviting heads of state today.''

Oh, my God.

Please stop.

Gina, do l look like Beyoncé?

Just like her. l knew you was gonna say that. Give me some.

This is like the world coming together, like all the gangs coming together.

There's beauty in there. You gotta love it, man.

This came from my grandmama church.

They might want that back.

Who's been chewing on this thing? lt look like Holyfield's ear.

Picture and picture.

This one get channels 2 through 5, and this one get 9 through 1 3.

Give me the big one.

Take the little one, too. You got to take the little one.

You keep it. Cal, you gotta get this little one.

Come on, Cal!

Thought l'd add a little style to the place.

That's that Picassio stuff right there.

Yeah, yeah.


What is it, a uterus?

Calvin, l hooked you up with the alderman.

What'd you do, get me some handicapped plates?

Better. You're gonna be on the news.

The news?

The alderman's taking a walking tour of the block before Friday's city council meeting to let the constituency know that he's concerned.

Concerned? About November, right? l talked him into talking to you--good publicity.

You could've asked me first. l know.

But it was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

We don't do politics in here. lt's a place of business.

This ain't no community center.

You know what?

You sound just like your daddy right now.

We will not be silenced.

When the FBl gassed the Black Panthers out,

we found a place to be today.

Thank you, Brother Calvin.

Brother Calvin!

We will continue to provide books and classes, food and clothing through our outreach program.

That's right, brother.

And when the pigs show up, they're gonna show up with guns.

We ain't gonna do nothin' but show up with ounr guns!

Then they gonna start shootin'. Then we gonna start shootin'!

That's right, brother! l'm tellin' you, every last one of them's gonna get shot!

That's right.

Then all of us is gonna get shot!

And all of us is gonna die together!

Let's make it happen!

Black power!

Black power!

Black power! Yeah!

Black power! That's us! Black power!

Power to the people!

Shit, man, them fools crazy.

Well, if it ain't Lalowe Sharpton.

My goodness, my goodness.

The barbershop. How you doin'? Lalowe Brown.

Checker Fred, sir.

How you doin', Checker?

Lalowe Brown. Good to see you.

How you doin', sir?

My, my. Well, well, look at this.

Look what we got-- we got a lady barber.

We didn't have this back in the day.

What's your name? Terri.

Sarah? Terri.

Lalowe's gonna have to come back and let you give me a little trim.

Trim? A haircut.

Terri, if you wanna be down, vote Lalowe Brown.

You remember that.

This is Calvin's Barbershop.

This is a cornerstone of the black community for some 40-odd years. l've been coming down here many a Saturday afternoon, get myself straight for Sunday morning.

But l wanna introduce you to the man himself, the man who quantifies and epitomizes the institutional possibilities of black hair.

He is a potentiating progenitor in all kinds of fine ways.

He's my fine friend, this brother right here, Calvin.

How you doin'? Calvin Palmer.

How you doin', son? All right.

Calvin, you are a pillar of this fine community.

How is everything going for you with all this social change happening down here?

Well, Mr. Brown, as you know, there is a lot of change--

There is a lot of change, and change is hard sometimes, right?

But if we want to stand together as a community, we will find a way to survive. Tell it!

Tell it, Lo. That's right.

You let Lalowe lay it down for you. lf you wanna stay afloat, we got to... gonna have to rock the boat.

Because if they want to send us packin', baby, it's on and crackin'!

And if they try to mess with this brother, then it's gonna be on like a mother!

That's a little rough. lf you want to stay around, y'all know what you gotta do.

Vote for Lalowe Brown!

Hey, Calvin, why don't you get me a little shape-up?

'Cause l've been running around.

You got a chair for me? Yeah, right here.

Of course we got one for you. Kenard! Kenard!

Let Kenard cut your hair. Hold on, hold on.

Wait a minute. No.

Get on over there, Get-low. Sit right on down, So-low.

Nice to meet you. How you doin'?

Wait a minute. lt's okay. lt's okay. lt's okay. lt's okay.

Kenard here is one of our prima donna barbers.

Front chair.

You ain't had your hair cut till...

Kenard. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's take a picture. Thank you, brother.

Yeah, okay. All right. Enjoy yourself, Low-below.

You just relax, Down-low.

We on TV, man. l know. This is must-see TV. lt's gonna be good.

This is why l love this community, 'cause there's a historical context for every action that takes place here. l plan to die here.

We're running short on time. lf we could speed this up?

You can't rush the best, Jimmy.

He ain't the best. He ain't ask you, man.

Well, who's the best, then, youngblood?

You the best? No doubt. lsaac Rosenberg.

The best barber in the state of lllinois.

The best barber on this rock we call Earth.

Come on down to Cal's.

Our rainbow coalition right here.

Yeah, this is integration right here.

What's up, Ma? Richie?

You're feelin' yourself way too much.

Don't sweat the technique.

What technique? You cut like a bitch.

Carvin' l's in the back of people's head?

Your skills is limited. My skills are limited?

Where your skills at? This ain't the time.

Ain't in cuttin' hair. Must be slobbin' Terri in the locker room.

What? No.

You ain't supposed to air our dirty laundry like that. We on TV.

What is he talking about? Dinka, it wasn't like that.

...of populist politics.

Thug love! Thug love! lt was not like that.

Everybody's hatin' on me. 'Cause l'm competent?

You don't make this shop. l have lately. l will confront all of those forces that are trying to change, that are trying to make things happen.

They don't treat barbers like this at Nappy Cutz.

Why don't you go find out?

You on that bullshit. Go find out.

We don't need you around here if you don't wanna be here.

Fine, man.

All right. Get out of the chair, man.

No, you stay here. ln November, l plan to establish this barbershop as my headquarters.

At Calvin's Barbershop, we're gonna make this institution one of the leading institutions, like a torpedo moving towards the future.

Yes, indeed. All right.

Kenard, just a little off the top. l really think it's time for us to move along.

Come on, Jimmy, just two seconds.

My bad, brother. l skipped you.

Why don't you just let me fade you up?

How about a nice Quo Vadis? What'd you do to my head?

Don't even look at that. ls that my head? l'm gonna kill you! l'm gonna kill you!

You a grown man!

You don't do that to Kenard!

Get out of here!

Annd fanr fnromm its nroots as a fammily establishhmmennt. thhis was thhe scenne today at 79thh annd Exchhannge at Calvinn's Banrbenrshhop whhenn Aldenrmmann Lalowe Bnrownn stopped by fonr a phhoto oppontunnity annd hhainrcut.

Onr shhall h say scalpinng?

Needless to say. h doubt venry senriously if thhe aldenrmmann will be fnrequenntinng Calvinn's Banrbenrshhop annytimme soonn.


Who is it? lt's Rick.

What do you want? l wanna talk to you. l feel bad.

Good. l'm busy.

Open the door. We gotta talk about this.

There's nothing to discuss. Dinka, l messed up.

What happened between me and Terri was foul. lt should have never happened. l didn't mean to hurt you.

l'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Can we discuss this tomorrow?

You remember Shawna, right?


What's up, Shawna?

Handle that. l'll get at you tomorrow.

Maybe the day after.

You should see her when l'm drinkin'.

'Cause l know her.

Exactly right, exactly right.

What are you doing here?

The question is, what you doin' here?

Look a little shady to me.

You come up to my shop today and got the nerve to be huddled up with this shark.

Don't come in here accusing me of some malicious and egregious act when what you should be doin' is apologizing for making me look like a goddamn fool today.

That's what you should be doing. Lalowe.

Ease up. lt's cool.

All right there, youngblood.

Ain't nothin' going on in here, just business. l'll bet. lt's true. ln fact, the alderman and l were just talking about you.

Well, about your business. l undervalued the importance of your shop to this community.

That's my bad. lt'd be a shame to see it all go away for naught.

Man, l'm from the South Side.

Don't try to hustle me. No hustle.

A hustle implies one side wins, the other side loses. l'm proposing a win-win. l'm proposing that Nappy Cutz never sees the light of day. ls that right? l'll turn it into a nightclub.

Your barbershop will continue to thrive without any interference from me or from anyone else.

And this miracle happens if l do what?

Not tell people what l saw here tonight?

What'd you see tonight?

What'd you see in here tonight, Calvin? Nothing.


Have a seat.

No, l'd rather stand.

All you have to do is talk.

The city council meeting is tomorrow.

We need those other business owners on your block to sell. lf you were to express to them and to the governing board that you believe in Quality Land's proposal, your voice could be the determining factor.

At least, l think so.

This could be a shitload of money for the whole district.

Not to mention, it could be a nice little windfall for Calvin.

A $200,000 windfall.

Now, that's a nice piece of pocket change.

You could take your wife on down to Jamaica.

The real one, not that one in Queens. lt'd be a nice kick-start to your kid's college fund.

You have a son, don't you?

Yeah, l got a son.

All you gotta do is talk.

$200,000. l'm not asking you for a whole lot, just to... come on down and...

...just talk.

Just talk.

All right.

See you tomorrow.


You stalking me?

Just wanna talk. Ain't nothin' to say.

Let me drive you to work.

How am l gonna look rollin' up in your freak-mobile?

Terri, we work together. We need to have a conversation.

Listen to what l got to say.

After that, you ain't got to speak to me ever again.

l'll drop you off around the corner.

Get in the car.


Terri, l really ain't been myself lately.

Ricky, before you even say anything, l need you to know that thug-gangta-player bullshit is over for me. l'm done with that in my life.

But you don't even know me, what l'm about. l see you every day-- late, sleepin' in the locker room, runnin' ho's day and night.

How is that not knowing you?

Boy! l'm just gettin' my backpack. Relax.

What is this, a warrant?

Why didn't you say anything? l couldn't tell nobody l was studying for the fuckin' GED. lt's embarrassing.

But you passed.


Yeah, but honestly, though, now that l got it, l don't even know what it means. lt means you give a damn about your life.

You should be proud.

l'm proud of you.

Don't start paying me compliments and stuff, 'cause then l gotta give one back to you.

We'd be all over each other again, and don't nobody want that. l don't want it.

For the record...

l kind of liked the old Terri before all the changes.

Loud and angry all the time?


All the time.

Man, l hope you hittin' that!

Miss Emma, is somethin' wrong?

Nothing a little prayer can't handle, or my pistol.

What's the matter?

They wanna make this funky little place into a co-op.

What? l can't afford that down payment. l'm gonna have to move.

Don't you own this place?

Just because l don't own it don't mean it's not mine.

You've been livin' here, like, what?

A long time, long enough to wipe your nasty little butt.

And a whole lot of others, too.

But it's been worth it, though.

We can't lose you, Miss Emma. lt's about time for me to retire anyway.

My brother has a nice place out in Arizona.

You ever been to Arizona?

Hot as hell, but l got some nice hats.

How can you leave Chicago?

On the bus.

Same way l got here.

Good morning there, youngblood.

You up early. They fumigating your crib again? l thought it'd be a good day to walk and see the trees and dew.

Yeah, they fumigating. l had a cockroach in my house so big, l thought it was Shaq.

You're crazy.

Let me ask you something. What?

You done worked and lived around here for what, 34, 35 years?

Yeah, l guess 30 and some change. l ain't tryin' to clown, but-- l hope not. You know l got jokes. Don't you start nothin'.

Let me ask you-- is this the life you wanted?

Or did you ever think you could do better?

What the hell keeps you comin' back here every day?

Well, Calvin, you know, if l was a bettin' man, l'd say the reason l come back in day in and day out is the free chair.

Get real.

Hold it! Get off him, pig!

...somme venry sad nnews fonr all of you. annd thhat is thhat Mantinn Luthhenr Kinng was shhot annd was killed tonnighht inn Memmphhis. Tennnnessee. hnn thhis difficult day. inn thhis difficult timme fonr thhe Unnited States. it's penrhhaps well to ask whhat kinnd of a nnationn we anre...

This ain't right.

We should be honoring the man's memory, we shouldn't be doing this.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. l'm gonna get on out of here. l need to go check on Loretta.

She's talking about moving back to Georgia. h would onnly say thhat h cann also feel inn mmy ownn hheant thhe samme kinnd of feelinng. h hhad a mmemmbenr of mmy fammily killed.

But hhe was killed by a whhite mmann.

Whhat we nneed inn thhe Unnited States...

You be safe out there.

Yeah, l will, man. Don't worry about me. l'll probably stop by Montgomery Ward's, pick up a TV, washer and dryer, lamps.

You need anything?

Move, Eddie! No!

Eddie, get out of there! No!


l'll stay a little while longer, man.

Yeah, so after all that quieted down, your daddy told me l ain't never have to pay for my chair again.

That's the kind of man your father was.

He was a man's man.

He used to always call me a hero.

The funny thing is l never saw it that way. l didn't save the shop, Calvin. The shop saved me.

A lot like it did for Ricky. l ain't have no life before this.

As far as l'm concerned, my life began on July 4, 1967, when l came through that back door and your father gave my black ass a break.

So l'd be sad if somethin' was to ever happen to this place.

But l'd be all right, though.

Oh, yeah, Eddie be fine.

Hey, what's up, y'all?

Calvin, can l have a word with you for a second?

What you want, man?

Well, l know these are tough times for you, cuz. lt's times like these when men must rise up and make the right choice. ls that right? Yeah. lt's about the truth.

Each and every one of us has our own truth, a truth that we must live with for the rest of our lives. ls there a point to this?

My truth is across the street. l appreciate the job, cuz. l'll always love you for it.

But l gotta bounce.

Y'all goin' broke around this mug. Boy, l swear.

All right, all right.

And if anybody wanna come over anytime and hoop it up, ring a player, you know?

All this silence got my gut grumblin'. l'm gonna run down to Berry's, get me a pastrami and fries.

Eddie, a man at your age should be watching what he eats. lf you don't knock the fork out of my hand, l won't knock the spear out of yours, okay, Somalia?

Eddie, get me that chicken tamale and strawberry shake special.

Get old Checkers a ham and cheese on some honky bread, mustard, hold the mayo.

Get me a Mountain Dew and chopped salad. l'll take some chili fries, onion rings, and a pot pie with egg on it.

Okay, that's gonna be three orders of ''Hell, no'' and two sides of ''Ask your mama'' and a large cup of ''Negro, please.''

Grumpy old man.

Hey, Big C, where you headed?

Nowhere. Just got a little business to handle. l'll be back.

And when they build all this stuff, they make it totally unaffordable for the people who live here to stay here.

Now, we're South Side people with South Side money, and that ain't much.

So l'm against the proposed Quality Land development project on 79th and Exchange.

You tell it, sister!

That's right! Very good!

That's right!

Quiet. Okay.

Before we adjourn and make our decision, is there anyone else who'd like to be heard on this matter?

Let's get this thing over with. l'd like to say somethin'.


What's he gonna say? Shut up. Shut up.

A little nervous.

l haven't felt like this since l met my wife's pops.

My name is Calvin Palmer. l own Calvin's Barbershop over on 79th.

Been there since 1958.

And all l'd like to say is that all change isn't bad.

Who can argue with progress?

Better schools, cleaner streets-- something we need on the South Side.

And l want the best for my son just like my parents wanted the best for me.

So some change on 79th is well-needed and well-deserved.

Oh, yeah.

Also, l'm happy that people outside our community are starting to find the value in our neighborhoods.

But... if that means selling our soul just to make a quick buck, l ain't with that shit.

lt's not worth it.

That's why l'm not sellin' out... some people l know.

Sir, do you know why Jesus wept?

No. No, l don't.

Well, when Lazarus died, Martha and Mary, they cried over his body.

When Jesus saw their pain, he couldn't help but cry, too.

So that's why Jesus wept.

That's how l feel when l look at people like Hank Tolliver and Gertrude Rose and Miss Emma bein' driven out...

...'cause they don't fit the plan of the new developers.

We gotta realize that people make this community, not $5 coffees and $20 mugs. lt's the people.

And once you lose the people, you lose the neighborhood.

So if l had to say, l would deny Quality Land Development's proposal to tear up 79th because it just ain't worth it.

Thank you.

That's my friend! That's my friend!

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Palmer.

We'll take a brief recess and we'll come back with our decision.

You're through. You know that, don't you?

That was beautiful, man. Thanks.

How much they offer you? Not enough.

We have reached a unanimous decision.

The proposal from Quality Land Development has been approved.

This meeting is over.

What have you done?

That's what l'm talkin' about. Money, money, money!

What in the world you people thinkin' about?

Well, l'll be.

How you gonna leave town without givin' my ring back? l've been lookin' for your ass for 35 years.

And l've been carrying that cheap-ass thing with me

'cause l knew that's all you wanted.

Cheap? You saddity ho, give me my shit.

You ain't changed. You ain't, either.

Piece of shit, my ass.

Come here, girl. No, you come here.

You come here. No, you come here.

Get your butt over here. No, you come here.

Look at you. Lord have mercy.

You look good.

You look pretty, too.

Don't make me chase your ass again. l like when you chase me. l been 35 years chasin' after you.

You still got that mattress on the floor?

What you thinkin'?

We might be able to get down there. l don't know if we gonna get up.

Nothin' to worry about. They ain't even real Chicago barbers.

Mornin', fellas. Mornin', young fellow.

You finally got a day off? l quit.

They fired you? No, no.

You know you got fired.

Look at you-- your shirt's still smokin'.

No, l quit on principle. Politics ain't my thing.

What's going on here? Look at you.

Well, lookit here. lf it ain't Bobby and Whitney.

Don't try the opposite-direction thing.

Richard and l are just friends.

''Richard.'' lt's ''Richard'' at work and ''Big Daddy'' in the bedroom.

Listen, little man, l got a daddy. l don't need another one.

So keep your mouth shut before l punch you in it.

She's back.

What you doin' here? He got fired. l did not get fired.

All right, fellas, how you doin'?



Well, Jimmy, first chair is open.

Your old chair is open. Quiet as it's kept. l don't know how long we gonna be open.

We gonna find out today.

Hey, Calvin. Good morning.

All right!

My chair open. Come on.


What the hell he do?

Well, l'll be da--

Hold on. Where the hell is my uterus? ln the Dumpster with the rest of that mess. lf we goin' out, we goin' out like us.

That's right.

We back, Big C? Yup.

What you doin' here? He got fired.

Whatever. You quit? l ain't a politician.

Don't tell me you quit. What was l supposed to do? ls Lalowe Brown the only politician in Chicago?

Listen, Cal...

Don't even worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Good to have you back.

Good to be back.

Archie Bunker and George Jefferson back together again.

Respect, man. All right, respect.

Yo, what's up?

What's happenin', y'all? What's goin' on?

Can somebody tighten me up?

Come on over here, Wakefield. Sit down.

Serve you right.

What's up, Cal?

What's up, y'all? Quick lineup?

What's happenin'? l got you, playboy.

Calvin, l like what you said yesterday.

What's up, man?

Dinka, can you hook me up?

Yes, sir. No problem.

Leave my customers alone.

That's Rick's.

Hey, Rick, l'm next with you.

All right. Whatever you want here. lt looks to me like the village has spoken. lt's okay. Just a minor setback.


We can get through this.


Young man, you're on your own.

Remember that.

Hey, lsaac, play somethin'.

Anything but R. Kelly. Please. Somethin' wrong with that boy.

He need some serious help. We ain't listenin' to no R. Kelly.

Hold, now. Don't start talkin' about R. Kelly. l saw the tape. Y'all see the tape?

Yeah, l saw the tape. How that boy gonna say it ain't him?

You can't believe everything. The media likes to spin stuff.

That was him. You don't know. l think he was set up. He was set up.

He set up the camera. That's what he did!

He had his head so far up that girl's behind, you thought it was Groundhog Day.

But that ain't him. lt ain't just him.

Michael Jackson--his problem is he got a Ferris wheel.

How you gonna be a pedophile with a Ferris wheel?

Kobe Bryant--everybody thought he was Mr. Goody Two-shoes.

Come to find out he ain't have on no shoes.

He didn't have on no socks, either.

Man, and Luther Vandross.

You done gone too goddamn far.

Don't talk about Luther Vandross, okay?

Luther's sick, man. l can't talk about Luther Vandross? No!

Everybody in here sayin' l can't talk about Luther Vandross?

No! l can't talk about Luther Vandross?

What you gonna do about it, then?

Eddie, that's what l'm talkin' about. That's enough!

That's enough!

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