BASEketball (1998) Script

Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie Jackson having an incredible night.

Two for two with a walk, four runs batted in, and he's already hit two home runs tonight.

Reggie! Reggie!

And just listen to that crowd.

Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

Come on, Reggie! Hit another one!

Hit another home run!

Coop, he's already hit two.

It's a fly ball to right, and deep.

That's going to be way back.

And that's going to be gone! Yeah!

Reggie Jackson hits his third home run of the game.

Whoo! All right!

Good catch, Coop. I can't believe it.

I mean, I totally had it, but my glasses slipped.

You know what, Remer, someday I'm going to become a big sports star, too.

Whatever you say, Coop.

You just watch me, dude. You just watch me.

There was a time in America when contests of athletic prowess were a metaphor for the nobility of man.

Historic moments, forged by the love of the game, celebrated the human potential to achieve excellence.

But as time passed and the country neared the millennium, something went awry.

- Manning rolls right. He's got to plow to the ten, the five... Touchdown Dallas!

The ideal of sportsmanship began to take a back seat to excessive celebration.

The athletes caring less about executing the play than planning the vulgar grandstanding that inevitably followed even the most pedestrian of accomplishments.

The games themselves became subordinate to the quest for money.

Stadiums and arenas became nothing more than giant billboards to promote commercial products.

Players sold their services to the highest bidder, much like the hired guns of the Old West.

Thank you. And after playing for New England, San Diego, Houston, St. Louis, a year for the Toronto Argonauts, plus one season as a greeter at the Desert Inn, I'm happy to finally play here in the fine city of Miami.


Whatever. Shit.

Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits.

The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles, where there are no lakes.

The Oilers moved to Tennessee, where there is no oil.

The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City, where they don't allow music.

The Oakland Raiders moved to LA, and then back to Oakland.

No one in Los Angeles seemed to notice.

The search for greener pastures went on unabated.

Continued expansion diluted the talent pool, forcing owners to recruit heavily from prisons, mental institutions and Texas.

Fist fighting and brawling permeated every sport, overshadowing any athletic competition.

As the problems mounted, the fans became less and less interested.

To reverse the trend, major sports started inter-league play.

When that novelty wore off, they tried inter-sports play.

But no matter how far the major sports went, it wasn't enough to bring the fans back.

The spirit of athletic competition, however, indeed was not dead.

Its seed merely lay dormant in the dreams of the young.

You know, Remer, someday I'm going to be a big sports star.

You know, Remer, someday I'm going to own a big sports bar.

Hurry it up, Coop.

Hold on. I just got to water the plants.

I don't want to go to a party with a bunch of losers from high school.

But, dude, this is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really, really want to fuck her.

Dr. Kaiser. Dr. Kaiser.

Coop and Remer.

We graduated with Brittany.

You graduated?

Of course we graduated, cock. Beer?

Man, this place looks like a Dockers commercial.

Oh, hey, Steph! Coop! Remer!

Hey, you want a beer? Oh, my God!

You guys haven't changed since high school.

Oh, cool. No, it isn't.


Hey, Skidmark Steve! Oh, cool. Hey, dude!

You still just hanging out, playing Nintendo?

Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games.

What are you two up to? Just hanging out.

Playing Nintendo. Cock.

So, you looking forward to getting out of here?

Yeah, I'm all packed. It should be fun.

Hi, Brittany.

Coop, Remer.

I didn't think you guys would show up.

Well, we wouldn't miss your party. No, I mean...

I don't remember putting you on the guest list. Huh.

Well, uh, Ted told us about it.

Excuse me.

Ted, why would you tell those losers about my party?

I... I didn't... What are you doing?

Man, this party sucks. Let's bail.

No, dude. Let's go up to Brittany's room.

Remer! Come in here.

Check it out.

Brittany's underwear, dude.

Oh, dude.

Dude! Dude! Dude! Oh!

Oh, I am so jealous of you.

Oh, God!

Excuse me. Brittany.

What are you guys doing in my mom's room?


Aw! Aw! Aw!

Get out of here! Uh...

Oh, geez! Ugh...

Uh... Derp!

Dude, we're never going to get a chick like Brittany Kaiser, are we?

Or any other chick.

But it's only 'cause we have no jobs, and our rent check's three months overdue, and our gas is about to get shut off.

What do girls want anyway?

Well, apparently, not total losers.

We're pretty good at basketball.

Yeah, as long as we don't have to run or jump or dribble or nothing.

You know what I mean?

That shit's overrated anyway. Yeah.


You guys up for a little game? Sure.

Well, let's make it interesting.

Say 20 bucks?

How about 50?

You're on. Let's go. Let's go, here we go.

Dude, we don't have 50 bucks.

We don't have 20.

Look, it doesn't matter. How good can they be?

To the lane, baby! That's pretty!

Oh! Come here, baby.

Oh, shit!

Alley-oop! Alley-oop! Yeah! All right!

Come on, ladies. We playing or not?

Yeah, but not that pussy ass two-on-two you guys play in the suburbs.

What, you guys got something better?

Yeah, but it's this new game we picked up in the hood.

So, what is it? Okay. Okay.

I shoot from wherever I want, right?

And then you have to make that same shot or else you get a letter.

You mean like Horse?

No! It's not like Horse!

Duh. It's, uh...

It's baseball rules.


Like, a single's from the free throw line.

Right. And a double's from the top of the key.

You can't shoot from the same place twice.

A triple's from back here, and a home run's from behind the meatballs.

You miss, you get an out. Ready? Break!

Whoa. What? We can explain it more slowly if you need us to. You're not big sports guys?

No, no. No, no, no. We get it. We get it, man.

Losers up first.

So, what, let me get this straight. This is a single, right?

Yeah, and a home run's behind the meatballs.

Come on, take your shot, guy.

What is that, man? Oh, that's one out.

You can't spit beer at me when I'm shooting.

That's the way we play in the hood.

I can do whatever I want to make you miss your shot.

He's right. That's one out. One out.

One out?

Give me the damn ball!

I fucked your sister. Huh?

Coop lines up for a double. Okay, guys, second and third.

Coop's got a runner on third. This could bring him home.

Yes! Two outs! God, this is...

Come on!


Ted Nugent. Oh!

Oh! Tip-in. Double play. That's three outs.

What? We're up.

That's a double play, jackass.

That's nice. Real nice.

Bottom of the eighth. This could almost seal it.

Oh, he made that look easy.

Damn it! Come on, man! What...

Oh, one of Brittany's mom's pubic hairs.

Oh, God!


Come on, man! Dude, we win the game!

Dude, that was a sweet psyche out. Oh, dude, here's another one.

Oh, come here. What the hell's up with that?

We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.

Dude, I'm telling you, it's jobs. We got to get jobs.

Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

Starting tomorrow, we got to stop playing games.

Miss it. Steve Perry.

Steve Perry.

Yes! Three outs. I'm up.

All right. It's the bottom of the fifth.

Joseph R. Cooper?

That's a single. Man on first.

Are you Joe Cooper?

Cut the crap, Squeak. You know who I am.

Gentlemen, this form authorizes me to enter onto your property and terminate services forthwith until all delinquent payments have been generated.

What? Dude, he's here to shut off the gas.

Squeak, dude, you work for the gas company now?

Gentlemen... Double! Guy on second and third.

Is your canine locked up and/or safely secured within your domicile?

Uh, yeah. He's at the vet getting his claws removed.

Then if you'll excuse me.

Dude, does it just suck being you?

I'll show those guys what sucks.

Steve Perry. Steve Perry.

I should have been gone Oh, yeah, he misses. Oh, damn it.

You said no more Journey psyche outs.

Dude, I'm running out of ideas.

It should be easier than that...

That's why we have this little short shot from over here. Short shot. Kind of like a bunt.

Exactly, it doesn't put any runners on base. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a sweet idea.

You lied to me! Again!

Oh, right. I guess the dog's vet appointment's tomorrow, isn't it?

We took the cat in today. Honest mistake, Squeak. Sorry.

My name's not Squeak! All right? It's Kenny!

All right, all right, all right, you little bitch.

Here, why don't you take a shot.

I don't want to take a shot. I want to turn off your gas.

And don't call me bitch.

Okay. Squeak. Let's just shoot for it.

Shoot for it? What, are you insane?

This is my job, you assholes.

Look, it's a good deal.

All you got to do is make a single from right here and you can shut off our gas, and we'll never call you Squeak again.

Or bitch.

Or bitch. Or bitch.

From right here? Mmm-hmm.

All right. Check this shit out.

Steve Perry. Huh?


Tough break, Squeak.

Now you got to fetch the ball, bitch.

Come on, Squeak! We can win the game with this one, baby.

Bring me home.

Yes! That's it! We win the game!

Dude, we got five runs that inning.

You know, this game is pretty badass.

All right. Another game? You're up.

Top of the first.

Yo, Tyler. I hear your sister's going out with Squeak.

What? Oh!

Mark me down for another psyche out. Hey.

I'm not going out with his sister.

Dude, that's the defense. You got to psyche them out!

Yeah, we've got to say totally fucked up shit to make sure the other guy misses.

Oh, right. Okay.

Hey, wait a minute!

Why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

Yo, Pierce. I hear your mom is going out with Squeak!


Oh, yes! Two outs!

Okay, so you're going to owe one-twelfth of the rent, one-twelfth of the water bill, one-twelfth of the power bill, one-twelfth of the cable bill... Dude! Check it out.

What's that? It's a BASEketball.

Whoa, dude, you made a ball? Out of what?

Dude, I can't believe those asswipes fired you for not shutting off our gas for six weeks.

It was losing the truck that pissed them off the most.

Well, you can camp out here for a while.

Well, this is pretty sweet.

Does this couch fold out to a bed?

Yeah, a totally great bed. But that's Jenkins' bed.

Your bed's over here.

Dude, that is so fucking weak!

How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

Yeah, I could. No, dude. You're a little bitch.

I am not!

I don't even know why I hang out with you guys.

'Cause you're a piece of shit. I am not a piece of shit!

Well, yeah, but you're a little bitch. Sure are.

God damn it, man! I swear, you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I'm out of here!

Yeah, whatever. Dude, I got to show you this scoreboard I made.

Your place is a shithole anyway!

Well, at least I'm on the team.

Yeah. They want me...

Joe Bryant, WIGN.

At the scene where an unusual new driveway game has captured the imagination of at least one neighborhood...

The young and old have gathered here tonight, really enjoying this championship game...

An entire league has sprung up around this quirky...

The round robin, starting with 12 teams in June, now down to just two, including, we're told, the inventors of the game, childhood friends...

It's off the rim, could be a double play.

Maxwell tips...

Newman's try...

No! Shirts have a shot at the conversion.


Keeps it alive.

Last chance.

Coop up...

Good! They make the conversion!

And the home run counts! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!


What a game!

The Shirts win the World Championship of BASEketball!




Gentlemen, I'm Ted Denslow.

Ted Denslow, the billionaire? Yes.

Anyway, I like your little game here. How'd you like to go pro?


I got three words for you, National BASEketball League.

We're not interested. Now, wait a minute. Hear me out.

Now, you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg, your Zima hula hoops and Pac Man video games, don't you see?

People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds.

I hear you.

Just look at these people.


I can see they feel... Way to go, Coop.

...a certain connection with you as players.

BASEketball, we can start fresh.

Not allow teams to change cities or players to be traded.

And everybody will get paid the same!

Just like when I was a kid, and players were treated like, like...

Indentured servants?

Yes! And the real beauty of this game is anyone can play.

Any normal Joe can be a sports hero.

Haven't you ever wanted to be a sports hero?

Sure, once. But that was a long time ago.

Well, if I know anything about this country, America will go nuts for BASEketball!

I mean America will go crazy for BASEketball!

Help! Oh my God!

Yes! There! Just listen to that crowd! Listen to that crowd!

Call an ambulance!

I say she never cared and that she never will To do it all again, I guess I'll have to wait until then If I get drunk, well, the better I'll understand my baby You won't bother me no more

And if you're drinkin', well, you know that you're my friend, and I'll say I think I'll have myself a beer

Ninth inning, the Beers still behind by 3 runs, and now down to their last out.

And the pressure on these players has got to be enormous.

All right, you guys, we've got one out left.

We're not beat yet, we can still win this thing.

Can we do it? Yeah!

Can we do it? Yeah!

And what a game these fans are seeing.

That gentleman, of course, Beers owner Ted Denslow, the father of professional BASEketball, along with his lovely new wife, Yvette.

Now shooting, number 44, Coop "Airman" Cooper!

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop is heading for the triple square, and Bob Costas, this has to be one of the most exciting BASEketball games in recent memory.

Hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only on driveways.

And it's hard to believe, just 5 years ago, those girls were only in grade school.

So Coop at the triple line, and Jansen sets up for the psyche out.

Hey, Coop! Be right with you, Dirk.

- It's good! Oh, nothing but net.

Coop triples again.

He's hit for the cycle seven times tonight. Damn, he tricked me!

Go, Coop! Way to go, man! You're the man!

And listen to those Foam Heads doing the Beers chug.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Coop's on third with two down, and that brings up Squeak Scolari.

Oh, God, I knew it was going to come down to me. I just knew it!

Relax, dude, it's not just you. We're a team!

And it all comes down to just one man.

Oh, God!

Listen to me, dude, if I could have one guy out there right now, one guy, it'd be you!

Unfortunately, that one man is Squeak Scolari.

Oh, shit! Listen, pretend this is just another game.

This Denslow Cup is of course the biggest game of the season.

Oh, Christ! Will you turn that shit off?

I'm so scared! Man, I... Listen to me, you little bitch!

You either go out there and make that shot, or I'm going to shove your head so far up your fucking ass, you have to wear yourself as a hat!

And in the dugout, Doug Remer giving his teammate some last-minute encouragement.

Now go out there and make that shot!


The talented Felon Girls appearing in their third Denslow Cup game.

Now shooting, number 23, Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari.

Let's go So Squeak Scolari walks out to take the last remaining single.

Come on, bitch!

Hey Squeak, miss it! Miss it!

It's good! And the Beers stay alive in the ninth.

Dallas Felons owner Baxter Cain hoping for another Denslow Cup victory.

Now shooting, number 17, Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!

Two on, two out. Remer heads to the double line.

Hey, Remer! You better make sure your toe isn't over the line!

Hey, Jansen! Nice psyche out, dingleberry! Yes!

It's in! It's now a two-run game.

Dirk Jansen apparently missing another psyche out.

And everyone here at Beers Garden is on their feet.

Coop! Coop! Coop!

And now, at a time like this, you can't help thinking about guys like John Elway.

Guys who kept coming close, and then finally got there.

If Coop can make this one, the Beers' long wait will be over.

Hey, Coop! Looks like your boy Denslow is about to buy the farm.



Oh! He missed! He missed, I don't believe it.

The Felons win their 2nd consecutive Denslow Cup on the strength of a Dirk Jansen psyche out. Aw!

I got you, dude, I got you!

Whoa, whoa! Relax, dude! Relax! What?

Do the Happy Dance.

Why do you want me to do this? We just lost the game!

Do the Happy Dance! Where's the singing?

Aw! I don't want to sing! Do the singing! Come on, sing.

Doing the Happy Dance Doing the Happy Dance

Shit, Denslow!

And these Beers fans have to be disappointed.

What an unfortunate thing to happen on Dozen Egg Night.

Help me! Somebody help him! My God!

Mrs. Denslow, if there's anything you need.

Oh, Teddy.

I can't believe it. He just fell over.

Mrs. Denslow? Mrs. Denslow!

I wish there was something I could do!

I know, Mr. Denslow, they stopped serving them after the seventh inning.

Somebody get this man a hot dog!

You're absolutely right, Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero, because his vision brought BASEketball from neighborhood driveways into big arenas, but more importantly, into the hearts and TVs of America.

It's a very sad day.

Yee-haw! His untimely death cast an unbearable pall over an otherwise sweet victory.

Yes, and all of our hearts are with you and your family on this...

Dirk Jansen, winner of the Winner's Warm Douche MVP Trophy.

What's your take on this stunning upset?

I think the whole key to the game was when I psyched out Coop!

No doubt about it! And all you people watching out there...

I can't believe this guy! He didn't psych me out!

Yeah, if anyone should get the psyche out it should be Denslow.

Dude, weak.

Oh, Coop, Coop. I know this is a dark time for you, but I'd like to get your thoughts on what happened today.

Well, Tim, today I lost the big game and, uh, a dear friend.

Um, I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now.

Uh, I don't think I should be alone.

I really need people to talk to...

It certainly does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now.

On paper, the Beers had the far superior team with the outside shooting of Coop and the deadly accuracy of Doug Remer.

What happened out there?

Uh, well, it was a team effort, and I guess it took every player working together to lose this one.

Thanks, Doug. And so...

Hey! Want to do an interview with me?


So another BASEketball championship is in the books.

Yet another opportunity lost for the Beers.

Man, I got to go.

Hey, Coop? Coop! Hey, what's going on?

Coop? Coop! Hey, Coop! Coop, help!

This is Tim McCarver from Beers Garden, where the Dallas Felons have defeated the Milwaukee Beers in Denslow Cup IV by the score of 13 to 11.

Everybody in?

One at a time. Shotgun!

Please! Can we, please?

There he is! Coop!

Oh, man! Oh, cool.

Can we talk to him? Yeah, can we stay?

There! There! Please, Miss Reed.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi.

Would you mind signing a couple of autographs for the kids?

I think you're looking for the Dallas locker room, it's over there.

Oh, I know, but it was so crowded.

I mean, um, they would really rather have your autograph.

Really? Anyway, would you mind signing these?

Uh, sure.


Uh, it's nice to meet you, Miss...

Reed. Jenna Reed.

Joe Cooper. Coop. I know.

Are all these kids with you? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I've been the director of the Dream Come True Foundation since October.

Oh, the ones that grant wishes to sick and dying kids, right?

Oh, well, we prefer to think of them as health-challenged and survival-impaired.

So, you're a big fan of BASEketball? No, not really.

I mean, the kids are big fans.

I try and keep them interested in things that are a little more permanent.


Well, you know how professional athletes come and go these days.

Well, not in BASEketball. There's rules against it.

Well, hello.

Oh, uh, Miss Reed, this is Remer.

Would you like a fresh pretzel?

I baked it myself.

Oh. Thank you.

It goes great with mustard. Okay.

Miss Reed? Miss Reed?

Dude, you didn't make that pretzel, did you?

Of course not, but chicks like guys who can cook.

Didn't you know that? What?

See, it works. She was checking out my ass.

She wasn't checking out your ass.

All set then?

Well, I better get these kids back.

Little Travis is getting impatient.

Hey, I love kids. Which one's Travis?

Here. Heads up, big guy.

Are you all right, Travis?

I think he's sleeping.

God, he needs a little work on the hands.

He's blind, Doug. Ah!

Felons fans rejoiced in their team's Denslow Cup victory with a huge celebration in downtown Dallas.

Final tally, 14 injured, three dead.

And on a sad note, the sports world was devastated tonight by the passing of Ted Denslow.

By all accounts, the late Beers owner seemed to be the only one surprised by his death.

And it appears time just finally ran out for the old cocksucker.

Theodore Denslow, dead at 85.

His hairpiece was 24.

These chaps I wore in Rooting Tooting Rhythm I bequeath to my nephew Herman.

Hope he looks as snappy in them as I did.

And this poncho that kept me dry during the filming of...

Mrs. Denslow? Baxter Cain.

May I sit down? Of course.

My deepest sympathy on your great loss. Thank you, Mr. Cain.

My valuable hand-painted plate commemorating the Pope's visit to Dodger Stadium, I leave to my niece Susan.

Limited edition, signed in the mold, with a photocopied certificate of authenticity.

Jenna. This six-shooter I wore...

What are you doing here? Well, I'm not sure. I got this letter.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

And the toothbrush used to clean the oats...

Clumsy idiot! Where's the body?

They buried him two days ago. This is the will reading.

Oh. Well, in that case... These are for you, Jenna.

Now as a special gift of charity, I bequeath these season tickets to the Dream Come True Foundation.

Thank you.

I want you to know I had nothing but respect for your late husband.

Unfortunately, he was the one person who stood in the way of making any kind of changes in BASEketball that might increase the owner's profits.

I can't imagine what he had against making money.

I trust that quality isn't sexually transmitted.

That's pretty sweet, huh? Yeah. The kids will be very excited.

Especially little Joey. Joey?

Well, he's such a big fan of yours.

You know, he's going into the hospital next week, and he had begged me to ask you if you'd come by for a visit sometime, but, you know what, it's not a good idea.

Oh, I'd love to come by.

Hey, I'll come by. I like hospitals.

No, you don't. You like Taco Bell.

No, really, I went to this hospital one time in France and got together with this really hot chick.

Dude, that was a hostel. Oh, yeah.

And finally, of course, my beloved Beers, I bequeath controlling interest to Joseph R. Cooper.

Yes! We own the team!

I gave him the best three months of my life.


Way to go, dude!

And, Coop?

Yes, Mr. Denslow?

I know you have it in you to lead the Beers to victory this season, because if you don't, the team reverts to Yvette.

Don't feel badly about losing the team.

I believe this is merely a temporary situation.

Thank you, Mr. Cain.

It's nice to have a strong, handsome man like you on my side.

Well, yes. I'd love to discuss this further with you.

Why don't you visit sometime?

Maybe we could, uh, lay some carpet, if you know what I mean.

At this time, I'd like to ask everyone to leave the room, so I can have a private moment with Coop.

Now that we're alone, Coop, there's something I wanna tell you.

Remember when you had the crabs, and the only thing that made you feel better was this lotion?

Well, I found another use for it.

It feels so good, it makes me wanna sing.

Just like that night we spent in the tattoo parlor in Chicago. Come on, baby.

I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts And I'm too sexy for my car Too sexy for my car Too sexy by far You getting this?

That's two rooms done.

Boy, those corners are tricky.

You've done a fine job, Yvette.

Now, as I was saying, I think I've come up with a plan to make sure that Coop never wins that Denslow Cup.

Oh. So, then the team will be mine?

Yes. That's wonderful, Baxter.

Do you want me to move on to the conference room?

Uh, no. Not yet.

But, you know, I think my lobby could use a good buffing, if you know what I mean.

Mmm. I know exactly what you mean.

Oh! Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, God!

God, I can't do this shit!

And the Beers coming up to bat for the first time in this season opener against Miami, a game they have dedicated to Ted Denslow.

The team wearing black in memory of the late Beers owner.

The Beers cheerleaders also mourning the loss.




Dude, it's a whole different ballgame now that you own the team.

Yeah. I was just thinking. Denslow was right.

This season could be different. We just gotta kick some ass.

We're playing to keep this team. You up for it?

Dude, I'm in. All or nothing.

And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocciolino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up Scooter on the new hit comedy series, What's the Difference, airing between Recycled Junk, starring Lisa Campbell, and Same Old Crap, featuring teen heartthrob Mark Svenson.

All part of the great fall line-up on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

And, Tony, it is great to have you with us.

So, Miami takes the field, and we're underway here tonight.

Coop steps into the single square.

Bonehead! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

It's good. And the Beers are off to a promising start tonight.

And this game is made all the more special by the fact it's Free-Range Chicken Night.

The Beers up by two, but the Dealers are threatening here with one out, and that brings up Enrique Hernandez.

Psyche out! Psyche out! Psyche out! Psyche out!

Psyche out! Hernandez, look.

It's fat liposuctioned out of Marlon Brando's ass.

Uh... Aw! No. What am I doing here?

Aw! It's all salty and warm. Oh, why would I do this?

Aw! This guy ate a lot of pork.


Muy bueno!

Damn it!

Dude, I thought it was a killer psyche out.

Really? So sick. Shake it off. Shake it off. I got this guy.

Yo, Gomez.

Psyche out!

Got milk?

Oh, yeah, you like that, don't you?

- Coop tips, and it's good! Double play. Beers win.

And Remer still nailing down that psyche out.

Dude, we totally kicked ass.

Yeah, and this is just a start.

Doug, could you sign my chicken?

Joe Cooper. Baxter Cain.

Oh, Cain. Yeah, Denslow told me about you.

I want to take this opportunity to welcome you to our community of owners.

And if there's anything that you need, don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks, dude. Later.

Oh, Coop, we're going to be voting next week on making some changes in BASEketball's rules.

I want to be able to tell the others that you're with us.

Why? I think BASEketball's fine the way it is.

Of course, in some respects.

But until we allow teams to move cities and players to change teams and take advantage of lucrative corporate tie-ins, I'm afraid you and your colleagues are going to have to continue working for...

Chicken poo? Ugh!

Feed. Chicken feed.

Coop, the ball is in your court.

In order for those rules to change, every owner has to vote yes.

And Denslow was already filthy rich. He didn't need the changes.

But you do.

Look, I appreciate what you're saying, but you're asking me to go against every reason we created this game.

Well, before you make any hasty decisions, I suggest you discuss it with your teammate.

I don't have to. We're best friends. We think alike.

Look, I'm sorry, but if you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

Are we gonna kick their ass?

Yeah! Yeah!

We gonna take these mooks out or what? Yeah! Let me handle this one!

In the river, baby! No doubt about it!

Come on!

Yo, Coop! Your mother's a terrible cook!

Oh, yeah! Damn!

Pew, pew, pew! I'm gonna kick your ass, man.


Can't gross me out, Remer.

Oh, yeah? Well, check out Coop.

Hey, Zane, I wanna feel you deep inside me.



You can't do that! That's not fair, man!


Oh, come on, Zane. That was...

That was fair, you know. Come on. Let's play ball.

Hey, Watson, have you seen those, uh, beer commercials, how to speak San Franciscan?

Hey! Hey! Vagina!

Not fair! That's bullshit, man!

No. That wasn't a gay joke. That was an Australian joke. Aw! Aw!

Shoot 'em up Shoot 'em up, boys Bang, bang Whoo, whoo Yeah, ride 'em, ride 'em Ride 'em, ride 'em Come on, let's do it! All right. What do we always say?

One, two, three... Fuck the Mexicans!

Guess I'll take my shot now.

Sure hope I make it, so I can get home quick and smack my wife in the eye, yepper.

Shut up, Remer.

Shut your mouth, bitch. I'll...

Yeah! Yes! All right!

Take that, Remer! Aw, shit!

Oh, my eye! My eye!

You're sick, Cooper!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

"If a woman wants a mate who is responsive, "she will reveal to him the secret of a woman's duality.

"She will tell him about the interior woman, "that one who added to herself makes two."

Hi. I didn't expect that you'd come.

I just thought I'd come say hi to our little friend Joey.

Oh. Well, you know what, he's sleeping, and I really wanted to finish this book.

Well, maybe it'll make him feel better.

Uh, well... Joey?

Joey? Look who's here.

My biological father?

No, dude, it's me, Joe Cooper.

Coop? Coop, is it really you?

Yeah, it's me.

Wow. I watched all your road games.

Your psyche outs were the best.

Thanks, dude. Right on.

Coop, what's a "vagina"?

Uh, so, uh, what seems to be the problem with you, guy?

I'm... I'm going to die.

Well, we're all gonna die.

Yeah, but not this week.

Joey, what did I tell you about staying positive?

Besides, your donor liver's due to arrive today.

Oh, hey, look what I brought you.

Wow! A La-Z-Boy! Yeah, I made it myself, you know.

If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels.

Gee, Coop, I wanna be just like you when I grow up.

Here's your decaf mocha, Jenna.

Just like you take it, non-fat milk, low fat whipped cream, and a little sprinkle of cinnamon.

Thank you, Doug.

And I baked you fresh poppy seed muffins, too.


Give me a break. Poppy seed muffins.

I thought you had your electrolysis appointment this morning.

I did. Here. Look. Check it out.

Hey, listen, partner, I talked to the people at the Dream Come True Foundation, and they want to make your last wish...

Your... Well, they want to make your dream come true, as long as it doesn't involve, like, a miracle cure or something like that.

Well, hell, the guys on death row only get a meal, right?

Uh, so... So, what's your dream?

Well, I've always dreamed of big game hunting.

How about killing an endangered species, like a bald eagle or a giant panda?

Well, Joey, I don't think that's in the true spirit of the Foundation.

Well, then, how about poisoning the reservoir?

I know. How about throwing flesh-eating fish into a public swimming pool?

I don't think you're quite getting the point, dude.

Come on, Joey. Search your heart.

What's the one thing that you want more than anything else in the world?

Chelsea Clinton.

That's a pretty tall order, dude.

You'd have a better shot at Bill.

You have any backup dreams?

Well, there is one other thing.

Could I just once... Could I hang out with the team?

Just spend a day with the Beers. Could I, Coop?

Oh, I don't know.

And Miss Reed, too.

No! No! No!

Down the hatch. Bartender.

This has been so fun. I feel like I'm gonna puke all over the bar.

Oh, look, Jerry Springer.

Here she is, your daughter-in-law, who...

No. She's my son's wife. Get that.

Whoa! Nicole. Let's say hi to Nicole.

Okay. Okay. We'll drink every time a fight breaks out.

All right. All right.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Hey, you bitch!

Oh, fight, fight, fight.

Back off, bitch!

Oh, you want some of this? Come on! You fat...


Ah! Ah!

I'm gonna kill you!

You see, Joey, dreams really do come true.

You're the best, Coop. Yeah.

Oh, man, it's late. We've got a game tonight.

And you've got that big liver operation.

Yeah, but...

What, dude? Don't worry. You're gonna be fine.

I just know I could pull through if...

If what, dude?

Joey, you just say it and Coop will do it.

Could you, Coop? Do you think you could hit a home run for me in tonight's game?

Well, dude... Come on, Coop.

It's not like he's asking you to hit two home runs.

Two? Can you hit two home runs?

Of course he could. This is Coop Cooper you're talking about here.

Hell, he could hit three home runs if he wanted to, huh, Coop?

Three? All right.

Remer, can I talk to you over there real quick? Thanks.

Hey, you know, Joey, I've hit my fair share of home runs, too.

That's nice, but Coop's gonna hit three home runs for me.

That's great, Joey.

I think Coop's the greatest guy in the whole wide world.

Yeah, he's a major dude, all right.

Hey, I feel much better now.

Mr. Squeak? What?

What grade are you in?

Hey, anybody call a taxi?

Yeah, I called a taxi.

We gotta get going if I'm gonna hit those three home runs.

Don't you worry. From now on, everything's gonna be A-okay.

Gee, Coop, this is the best day of my entire life.

Oh! Ow!

Oh, my, what a story this is.

Little Joey Thomas undergoing a lifesaving operation tonight.

The fans here, of course, all wearing yellow ribbons in support of this brave little boy.

And his hero, Joe Cooper, promising to hit three home runs, a promise that could mean the difference between life and death for this brave little boy.

Hey, Pete, what's the matter with Coop tonight?

I don't know, but he's 1 for 11 and he smells like Christian Slater.

Coop in the home run circle, getting ready to take his shot.

It's up. It's good!

Coop sinks his second home run of the game.

His blood sugar's way up since yesterday.

Has there been any change in his fluid intake?

Sweet Jesus! His sodium level's through the roof!

It's the strangest thing.

He's eight years old, and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

Ninth inning. Everyone's stomach in knots here as Coop steps up for his last at bat.

Coop! Coop! One more chance for that third home run.

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Hey, she's here, man, that girl from the bar.

That's a guy. What?

A guy? Yeah, that's a dude.

No way, you're just saying that

'cause you want her for yourself.

No, dude, I'm saying that because she's a guy.

It's impossible. Just look at her.

She's got the cutest little upturned nose, the softest lips, the sweetest Adam's apple.

Yeah. I think I can smell her perfume from here.

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop calls for quiet.

One more chance for that third home run.

He's in deep focus out there, Bob.

This obviously means a lot to him.

He shoots! It's going, going...

Looks like Coop has made a dream come true for a very brave little...

Wow. The Lord must really have it in for that little boy.

Oh, why? Why? Why?

Come on, Coop. It's over.

Poor Joey. Why? I'm sorry, dude.

If you're looking for Joey Thomas, he's been moved next door.

Oh. Hey!

Oh, my God!

Oh, why? Why? Why?

Gentlemen, he's in this room.

Joey! Joey!

I'm here for you, dude.

The operation went fine.

I mean, just after your game, we thought he was suffocating.

He kept screaming, "Choke! Choke!"

Then he lost consciousness. He'll be fine in the morning.

But don't stay too long. He needs his sleep.

Joey, I'm sorry I missed that third home run.

But remember how I said that dreams really do come true?

Well, they don't.

Coop, he's awake! I think he's trying to tell you something.

What is it, Joey? What?

Hey, he's turning blue.

Oh, my God! This poor kid's freezing.

He needs a blanket. Where's a blanket?

Sir, sir. Can I borrow your blanket?

Don't worry, I'm here for you too, Joey.

Sir, let me borrow your blanket!

Here you go, little buddy. This should keep you warm.

Holy mother of God! He's flatlining!

You killed him. Oh, my God!

I didn't kill him. Dude, you missed the third home run and you killed him.

No! No, I'm not going to give up on this kid!

Coop, calm down, man. Come on, Joey.

Come back to me.

Coop, get a hold of yourself. Coop, no!

Leave me alone!

Live, damn it! Live!

What the hell are you doing?

Where are those little heart paddle things that George Clooney uses?

Not those. Dude, let's just bail.

Give me these things. You're gonna kill him!

Clear! Clear!

No pulse, Coop. Crank up the voltage.

10,000 volts. Clear!


Up it to 15,000! 15,000 volts.

No! Clear!

Coop, do you know what you're doing?

What's it look like? An execution?

Damn it, man! I'm trying to save an innocent life!

I'm giving it all I've got, Captain.

I love you, always have.


This isn't working. We gotta try open heart massage.

I need a rib separator and a scalpel. Where do I cut?

Start in the middle and work your way around.

He's a flat-liner. Code blue, Nurse!

Seventy ccs of sodium pentothal, stat!

I didn't kill him. Get away from him. Get out of here.

Cardiac syringe coming through!

Hard left! Hard left! What the...

Reggie Jackson having an incredible night. Reggie! Reggie!

Two for two with a walk, four runs batted in, and he's already hit two home runs tonight.

And you have to wonder just what Charlie Hough must be thinking as Reggie steps into the box here in the eighth.

Reggie! Reggie!

- There's a fly ball... Nature's fury when man and beast collide on the back roads and byways of America.




I can't believe those assholes taped over the game.


Aw! Aw!

Jenna. Hi.

Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, no, I was just, uh, fixing clam chowder.

Uh, come in.

Well, when you weren't at the hospital, I came right over.

Apparently, there was some sort of terrorist attack on the post-op ward.

Terrorist? Yeah.

Evidently, they were disguised as BASEketball players.

They went on some sort of rampage, and I was so worried about Joey.

Was he, uh... Is he...

Oh, he's fine. He came through the operation with flying colors.

All right!

With that new liver, he should be peeing like a champ in no time, huh?

That's kidneys, Coop. Oh.

Hmm. Well, uh, have a seat.

I just wanted to stop by and thank you for all that you've done for Joey.

Oh, it's nothing.

I'm sure he's going to remember this day for the rest of his life.

Yeah, I don't doubt that.

Oh! What a great picture.

Look at you guys. You seem so happy.

Yeah, I... I guess we were.

We were just best friends playing ball in the driveway, you know?

Next thing I know, I'm on ESPN and Wheaties boxes.

And I guess that's all pretty sweet.

But nowadays, since Denslow's been gone, I'm in charge of the team, and the whole league now.

Sometimes I forget why I play the game.

Why do you play it, Coop?

Mr. October.

The guy in the Chippendales calendar?

No, that was Dwayne Zackemore.

I mean, whoever it was that month.

I, uh... I'm talking about Reggie Jackson.

I saw him play in a World Series once.

He hit three home runs in one game.

I caught the third one in the stands.

I remember growing up, it meant so much to me.

All I ever dreamed of was to be that guy, have that one shining moment.

Be a hero.

You already are a hero, Coop.

You've won these kids' hearts, but...


Well, I'm just worried about getting attached.

I mean, the kids getting attached. I don't want them to be hurt.

Jenna, I would never do anything to hurt these kids.

But what Joey really needs to know is where are you going to be next year?

Right here.

And the next year, and the year after that.

Right up until Joey grows up and gets a driver's license and starts going out with girls and meets the right one and forgets about BASEketball altogether.

Goes home, does some push-ups, fucks the sleeve of his favorite jacket.

What? Huh?

I'm just saying we'll be here for Joey. I promise.

Oh, Coop, I want to believe you.

I want to believe you more than anything...

Yo, Coop, check out all this cool shit we got at the hospital!

Ooh, hey, Jenna. Hey, Doug.

Wow. You're looking a little flushed. Do you have a temperature?

No. I'm... I'm fine. Here, open your blouse and say, "Ah."

Remer! Doug, I... I got to go.

No, Jenna... Aw! Yeah, I'm sorry. I got to go.

Jenna! Aw!


Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead. You totally fucked me there.

Dude, relax. It was just a joke.

Dude, why don't you give it up. She doesn't even like you.

Oh, you think she has the hots for you?

Shit, Squeak here has a better chance with her than you do.

Hey, you think? That's low, you son of a bitch.

What? Why is that low?

Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now, but you can't blame me because I have a sweet ass. I can't help it.

I'm doing the Happy Dance.

Doing the Happy Dance.

Does this thing work? Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Can you hear me in this? Oh. Yeah, yeah.

This is cool, here. Check it out.


Do you want to get a sandwich? Yeah, let's get a sandwich.

Yeah, let's get a sandwich. Goddamn. Ugh!

Mr. Cain, Doug Remer is here to see you.

Remer? I thought I asked him to come tomorrow.

Well, yes, sir, but he's here now in the trophy room.

- The trophy room? Mr. Cain...

Mr. Cain? Mr. Cain?

This is sweet.

Mr. Remer.

Oh, hey. Mr. Cain.

I see you've been admiring my little museum.

Is... Is that really...

Yes. When I see something I want, I get it.

Remind me the next time you're here to show you the prize in the whole collection.

My autographed Ty Cobb bat.

I'm planning to expand the museum out here next year.

Killer setup, Mr. Cain.

What do you pay in rent here? Nothing. I own it.

Oh, that reminds me. Can you break a 20?

What, dollars? I didn't think so.

Let me get straight to the point, Don.

May I call you Don? Yeah, I guess so.

Don, when I see one of BASEketball's hottest stars with less than $20 in his pocket, driving an American car and sharing a small house with two other guys, you know what that says to me?

Homos? No.

No, no. It says you're underappreciated.

And underpaid! Oh, yeah, I mean, I guess we are underpaid.

Well, I want to change all that.

Players of your caliber should be making the big bucks.

Don't you agree?

Remer! Remer!

Try to stay with me on this, all right? All right.

Now, last week, I tried to get Coop to agree to certain rule changes that would make you millions.

Me? Millions? Uh-huh. Now listen carefully.

Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?

Hardly. He made his fortune moving to LA.

You know how much he makes now?

As much as he made playing in college?

What? No! A lot more, big money.

And you can, too! Would I have to quit BASEketball?

What? No! I need you to get Coop to go along!

He'd have to quit BASEketball, too?

Did I just fart?

Top of the seventh, and those cheers you're hearing are from the nearly 15,000 on hand here for Anal Probe Night.

So, two outs, and Doug Remer heading for the triple square.

He's 0 for 12 so far tonight. In fact, with the exception of Coop, the Beers are ice cold.

Oh, man, that doesn't even qualify as an air ball!

And the Beers are gone in the seventh.

The Aliens now coming up with the top of their order, which, if you're scoring at home, is the same three guys who came up last inning.

All right, what the hell's going on?

You guys are lying down out there!

Oh, I get it. You guys are pissed off.

Uh, why?

Dude, you turned down Cain's offer without even talking to us.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

All right, what do you want, dude?

Dude, what do you think?

We invented this game together, but you get to control everything.

Listen, Cain has some pretty good ideas...

Dude, Denslow gave me the team, all right?

I already told Cain no. Dude, I'm sure Denslow is happy in his little worm farm but... Dude, I'm not going to do it.

All right, dude, listen to me carefully.

Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?

No, he got rich playing in college. Everybody knows that.

Dude, it's not about the money.

It's about tradition.

Look, think about the greats who have played this game.

It's because of them.

It's because of us, that I can't bow down to a guy like Cain.

Dude, that's easy for you to say, because you got the team! We got jack shit!

Even Squeak is pissed off! Oh, hell, I never really minded...

Shut up, bitch! Dude, quit thinking about yourself for a change!

Dude, I'm not gonna cave in. End of story, dude.

Dude. Dude!

Dude! Dude!

Dude! Dude!



Well, I guess you've got a point there.

All right, look, maybe I was wrong.

From now on, we're full partners.

Really? And you guys.

From now on, you all own part of the team, too.

Really? You'd be willing to do that for us?

Yeah, and that's not all. I'm talking prime equity stock options, comprehensive health care, full dental, traveling HMO, and the first 20 weeks of psychiatric care free of charge, the way it should be!

Yeah! Yeah!

Come on down! Who wants them?


Go, Beers!

Hey, Smitz, you wanna see a scary face?


What? Dude!


He can't do that!

Oh, shit!

There were four of them in the corral.

The once-proud beast, the broken girl, her mother, and finally, the man they called the Whisperer.

The woman stared hopefully into the ancient cowboy's weathered face.

"Can you help her?" "Lady, I repair cows, not people."

His disjointed voice seemed to be coming from afar...

And the Beers win their tenth consecutive game.

I don't know what's happening...

Who's this bimbo Coop's got the hots for?

Oh, that's Jenna Reed. She's the director of some kids' charity, Um, Dream Come True Foundation. Oh.

I know six men on their board of directors.

Baxter Cain is not going quietly into the good night.

Hey, Baxter? Who's Ty Cobb? Hmm?

Oh, my God! Did I just fart?

Ninth inning. Beers just one out away from making the playoffs.

They'll have to get by Big Ed Tuttle and the LA Riots to ice this one.

That's him, Squeak. That's Tuttle.

He's been talking some serious shit about you all night.


Yeah, he told everyone that he caught you jacking off in the bathroom before the game.

He saw that?

You got to get this guy, Squeak.

Look at him, man. He... He's huge!

You want me to psyche him out?

Dude, he'll never expect it coming from you.

Here, say this.

I'm not going to remember all that!

All right, here then. C'mon, this is for the playoffs, dude.

You get this guy, and we're in!

Don't worry, we've got your back!

Oh, my God.

Hey, Tuttle! Yeah?

Your mother's deaf.

My mother's dead, you little twerp.

I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot.

Unbelievable! The Beers win!

Yes! Sweet! Good going!

The Beers have done it!

Dude! Sweet! Yes!

Talkin' away I don't know what's left to say I'll say it anyway The Beers win a spot in the playoffs by beating Los Angeles on an unlikely psyche out by Squeak Scolari.

Take on me

Dude, he is pissed!

I didn't go over the line on that, did I? No, not at all.

Don't worry about it, dude.

Jenna! Jenna!

Hey, you missed it. We won! We kicked ass!

Let them flow, baby, we're in the playoffs!

Yeah, let the tears come.

You're going to make me start crying now.

No... I know, I guess this really is emotional.

Should we do it? Should we just cry?

I think we should, I mean, no one's watching.

We won the game, we've got friends, we've got everything!

Will you stop that?

I'm not crying because I'm happy.

I just got the news. Our funding has been cut.

They're going to close the Foundation.

Can they do that?

Those poor kids. We can't let this happen.

We got to do something!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come and ruin your big night.

I'm sorry! No, Jenna. Jenna, wait.

Gentlemen! Mr. Cain.

I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Miss Reed.

Dude, what are you doing here? Oh, I jet here, I jet there.

Anyway, I just wanted to assure you, there's no reason for your girlfriend's foundation to go into Chapter 11.

Or for that matter, 12, 13 or 14.

Uh, but I think I may have a solution to her problem. Here.

It's a time-tested moneymaker. Every athlete does it.

You want me to have bigger titties? What?

No, no.

The clothing line. A Beers clothing line.

No, dude, that's against the BASEketball bylaws.

Not if the proceeds go to charity. Think about it.

Miss Reed's foundation will never have to worry about funding again.

Awesome, dude! I think we should definitely do it!

Excuse us.

Look, will you let me do the talking here?

There's no way I'm doing any kind of deal with this piece of shit.

Wait, I thought it was we. Remember, it's not just up to you anymore.

All right, well, we can come up with a better way to get money for Jenna.

Like how?

See? Thought so. Mr. Cain? Hmm?

As part owner of the Beers, I'd just like to say, where do I sign?

Congratulations, Don. This is going to change your life.

I look out for my womens!

Now before we discuss fabric or color, we got to decide where we can make this stuff cheap. Freedom! Freedom!

Right. We'll do a big media blitz. And don't worry about Coop. He'll come around.

Hi there, I'm Dan Patrick. And I'm Kenny Mayne.

With the first seven months of the BASEketball post-season out of the way, the playoff picture is now starting to emerge.

So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte.

That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Right, and then, the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

So, if the Beers beat Detroit, and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto.

Then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round-robin.

And if no clear winner emerges from all this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion is crowned. Right.

Coop! Coop! Coop!

After the grueling regular BASEketball season, we're now in month nine of the playoffs.

No, Daddy, don't touch me there!

The Beers, vying with San Francisco for a slot in the Denslow Cup game.

Ninth inning, Ferries up by one, Coop steps in.

It's back, way back. Good! Home run! Coop ties it up!

That could mean extra innings.


What's this guy?

He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.

Oh, now you're such a big shot, you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie?

Fucking sellout.

Now shooting, number 17, Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!

Beers win! Beers win!

And the Beers have done it!

They're on their way to the Denslow Cup!

Dude, who is that? Who's it look like?

Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.

Hello! Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year!

What's that? It's a commitment ring.

What, for Jenna? Yeah.

I'm letting her know that I'm ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively.

Well, I'm giving Jenna a pre-commitment ring.

It's a promise to pledge that we'll think about getting engaged just as soon as we're ready to make a commitment.

What the hell are you talking about? You don't care about Jenna!

You were just in a hot tub naked with Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year!

You know what? That hurts, man. That really hurts.

My clothing line is single-handedly saving Jenna's foundation.

Oh, sorry, I forgot how much Doug Remer cares about kids.

Gentlemen? Mr. Cain.

Hate to interrupt your celebration, but I have something you might be interested in.

Go ahead, don't be shy. It concerns you.

Open it! I think you'll find it interesting. What's that old saying...

"A penny saved is a penny earned"?

"Don't eat cheese before noon..." Shut up!

How about, "One picture is worth a thousand words."

Oh, that's a good one! God, these are awful!

What kind of lowlife scum would use children this way?

You would. Me? Never!

Gentlemen, those are pictures of the Beers clothing line being made in Calcutta.

Oh, just great! Of course, if they ever get out, the Beers, and your girlfriend's little foundation, would be ruined.


But, rest assured, there's no reason to be panicked.

Those pictures never have to see the light of day, if...

If what?

If you two miss the next Beers game.

Dude, the next game is the Denslow Cup!

I can see you've been reading the papers.

Listen, boys, just do as I say. You play ball, and you'll be just fine.

I thought you said you didn't want us to play ball.

I want you to play ball with me.

You want us to play for Dallas?




Oh, I get it. You don't want us to show up at the game at all!

Of course, you numbskulls! It's called blackmail!

Good evening.

God damn it, Remer, I told you this was going to happen, didn't I?

Hey, if you would have agreed to Cain's changes in the first place, it never would have gotten this far!

Dude, because of you, Jenna's foundation is totally screwed!

Me? I was the one trying to... Oh, there you are!


I saw the pictures! This is awful!

It's going to mean the end of the Foundation.

You know, it's not endowed like...

Well, like...

Jenna, I can explain.

Yes, it was his fault. Me?

This is your mess, Remer. I should've kept the team to myself!

Dude, I just don't know you anymore! Enough!

Look at yourselves.

You're just typical men, with humongous egos!

You're like every other pro athlete.

I should have kept those kids away from you.

Their little lives are ruined and all you can do is argue about who is the bigger penis?

I mean, child.

Long wanger. Oh.

Throbbing cock.

God, I don't even know what I mean anymore!

Jenna, wait! You've got to believe us, Jenna!

It was all Coop's fault!

Dude, could I talk to you over here? Mmm-hmm.

You know something, Pig Fucker? Can I call you Pig Fucker?

No, only my friends can call me Pig Fucker.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

You know what, Coop?

You're not my best friend anymore. How do you like that?

I love it! Good, I'm glad!

I'm sick of playing second fiddle to you, and you getting all the recognition.

I'm getting myself a new best friend.

Wake up, bitch. You're my new best friend.

Really? What?

Are we going to the zoo?

Fine! I don't need you. I'll get myself a new best friend, too!

So, go ahead. Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year...


Your life is spinning out of control Seems the whole world is out to get you

Everything is wrong Nothing seems right

There's a sinking feeling inside Even your best friend has turned his back But you can't let it bring you down No, you've got to fight

'Cause you try, but you can't let go

It's when you're down that you got to get up Don't let 'em walk all over your face Stand up for yourself And make everything right again Even if some guy's trying to blackmail you And your girlfriend thinks you suck It's up to you to let them know That it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan Look out ahead There's a truck changing lanes You got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip And those warts on your dick aren't going to go away Unless you start using topical cream every day Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Calcutta International Airport, where it is currently 95 degrees with a light drizzle.

We hope you enjoy your stay here in lovely Calcutta.


Amoka, come on!


Driver, I'm in a hurry!

Look, just take me to 7-1-1...


Here you are, Beerswear Factory.

Hey, you, is this... I'm sorry, no entrance.

Who the hell are you? I factory manager. Who you?

I Joe Cooper. I mean, I'm Joe Cooper.

Wait, Mr. Cooper, you must put on hard hat!

Oh, this is awful. Oh, this isn't good!

Do any authorities know about this?

Oh! Oh! Wait, Mr. Cooper, wait. Wait please, Mr. Cooper!

Put that down!

A young man. His whole life in front of him disappears.

A familiar story, yes. But this is no ordinary Joe.

Joseph R. Cooper, perhaps the most loved sports figure in the country, vanished.

According to Mrs. Elsie Melcher, a neighbor who asked not to be identified, Joe Cooper left his house two weeks ago.

According to Angelique Bones, a nosy bitch who lives up the street, he took with him only a toothbrush, a wallet, a steamer trunk and a plane ticket to Calcutta.

Police theorize several possible scenarios of what happened to the man affectionately known to the world as "Coop."

Oh, I don't know where the hell he is.

For all I care, he could be hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.

Scenario Number One.

He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.

The night before his disappearance, Coop's girlfriend had paid him a visit.

According to friends, they had quarreled.

If you're looking for Joe Cooper, I suggest you look wherever you find the most heinous, blatant and vile exploitation of children on the planet.

Scenario Number Two. Coop went to Disney World.

Here's a photograph of Joe Cooper taken just days before his disappearance.

And here's a computer-enhanced simulation of what he might look like today.

From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on the shores of Lake Michigan, it's the Denslow Cup, where the defending champions, the Dallas Felons, meet their perennial challengers, the Milwaukee Beers.

Hello, I'm Al Michaels along with Bob Costas inviting you to join us here at Beers Garden for Denslow Cup V.

And we're in for a classic battle tonight.

You're absolutely right about that, Al.

We have over a hundred million people throughout the world tuned in to see this game.

Many of them, of course, with no understanding of the sport itself, but nonetheless fascinated by the flickering images and the bright, pretty colors.

And high up in the stands, pyrotechnic expert Sergio "Lucky" Ferouch is readying another spectacular halftime fireworks display.

All right, you guys. You ready to kick some ass?

What's wrong, you guys? Why the long faces?

We miss Coop. Can't win without him.

We don't need Coop. I'll lead you to victory!

We're supposed to be a team.

Without Coop, it's not the same.

Look, even if Coop was to walk in here right now, it wouldn't change the outcome of this game one iota.

We can win this thing! Are you with me? Yeah, yeah!

That's the spirit. Are you with me? Yeah! Yeah!

All right, Coop's here!

And we're underway here for Denslow Cup V.

A stunned crowd of over 18,000 witnessing the Beers being thoroughly dominated by the Felons.

Come on, Beers! Go, Coop!

Hey, guys, I thought I told you we weren't gonna watch this game.

Oh, come on, Miss Reed. It's the Denslow Cup!

These are not the kind of people to be looked up to or emulated.

The severed and mutilated head was stamped and postmarked Denver.

The owner still has not stepped forward.

Update. The disappearance of the Milwaukee Beers BASEketball star.

When Joe Cooper discovered that most of the workers in the Beerswear Factory were youngsters, not even old enough for prostitution, he personally flew to Calcutta.

His new, all-adult workforce now makes a decent wage, enjoys full medical benefits and in-house child care.

All of us here are glad that such a terrific human being like Joe Cooper has returned.

If I were a woman, I'd sure like to be his girlfriend.

Walking in the park, hand in hand, wrapping my legs around him, cuddling in the spoon position, our hearts beating in unison, staring into his eyes over our morning coffee...

Uh, yes, yes, thank you.

When we come back, our next unsolved mystery...

Come on, kids.

We're going to the game! Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, for your seventh-inning stretch entertainment, the National BASEketball League is proud to present a salute to our South Sea neighbors, Viva Calypso!

We're up 16-0 at the break.

Have the trucks pull up to the locker room.

We'll sort out the stuff when we get to Jacksonville. Okay.

Hey, Baxter. I finally got all the chrome off this for you.

Nice. Very nice. You want me to start on this one?

Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention now to the Malakalaka Balance Board of Trust, a symbol of brotherhood in many Polynesian countries.

Assuming the roles of the downtrodden but happy natives, with their good-luck pineapple, your Milwaukee Beers!

Thanks for flying back, Coop.

You really made a big difference in the score.

Dude, if I wouldn't have been cleaning up your mess, I wouldn't be jet-lagged and shitting curry!

Hey, guys, knock it off, all right?

And representing their white colonial oppressors, the Dallas Felons!

And now, let's all join our Caribbean brothers in the ceremonial South Sea handshake above the Lagoon of Peace.

All right, let go! You let go!

Stop it. Stop it!

Guys, come on, man!

Would you stop it? Money-grubber!

Power monger! Cock!

Guys, stop it!



You son of a bitch! You asshole!

Die! Eat shit!

Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you hold on a minute?

Look at you guys, fighting on the Malakalaka board!

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Back in the driveway, we were nothing!

Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwing it all away!

If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board, the Malakalaka Balance Board of Trust.

Don't you see what we have here?

A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids.

But more than anything, isn't this game about getting together with your friends and just having a good time?

I remember.

I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody.

And you guys took me in.

I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this.

If we can't be friends, then the heart and soul are out of this game.

Certainly out of me! I know I'll never get that back again.

We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace!

I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

Hang on! Oh, my God!

Remember to hold your breath just before we hit!

Never let go!

Bob, this has to be the most spectacular extravaganza I have ever seen!

You can cram three seats into the space it takes for one wheelchair, not to mention the wasted space it takes for the oxygen bottle.

Hell, those little shits never pay full price anyway!

Baxter! I just realized I can't stand you!

So you can kiss these puppies good-bye!


Shit, Coop. I'm sorry.

I guess the money did go to my head.

No, I'm sorry, Remer.

I think I've got a lot to learn about sharing.

Look at me. I've become everything I used to hate.

Maybe we just grew up too fast.

My worst enemy turned out to be me.

Dude. Dude.

Dude. Dude.

Hey, look, I've got two over...

All right, let's go win ourselves a championship!

Yeah! Yeah!

She was a little green He was just a little mean They were together all the time So now no one can forget this thing that happens all the time

She would do anything Yo, Darcy. Yeah?

Hey, that's my wife! Yeah, and this is me!

They live together all the time So now no one can forget this little thing That's on her mind It's a waste to wonder what's a heart these days It takes a lot to give up and just leave those who...

Hey, Dirk! What is it?

I hear your sister's going out with Squeak!


And Squeak Scolari crosses the plate again as the Beers have come roaring back since the break.

Bob, this is more like the Beers team we've seen all season.

Ninth inning, two outs.

Beers still down by two runs.

Felons on first and third.

The Beers have to stop Dallas here if they want to stay in this game.

And the always dangerous Grumsky coming up.

We've got to get this guy, Coop.

He hasn't missed a shot all night.

I know, but I don't know what to say. Nothing works on him.

Hey! Tell him he's fat!

Dude, that's not cool.

Yeah, it is. That's not cool.

No, no, no. Just do it really subtle.


Hey, Grumsky, you losing weight?

Hey, big ass! Seriously, you're fucking fat!

You're goddamn fucking fat. How'd you get so fucking fat?


And the Beers hold them in the ninth on a clutch psyche out by "Coop" Cooper.

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Bottom of the ninth. Dallas, 16. Milwaukee, 14.

Remer on second, Scolari on third.

And Coop's coming up.

And so, it all comes down to this. One shot.

Coop makes it, the Beers win the cup, and get to keep the team.

Or, he misses.

Oh, my God. La-Z-Boy has popped!

The ball Coop has used every day of his career is gone, and a time-out has been called as the Beers star tries to regroup.

Excuse me, driver, do you think you could go any faster?

Could I go any faster?

Yeah! Hang on!



No doubt about it, Al.

The loss of this ball is definitely going to affect the outcome of this game.

Ow! Hey!

Come on, kids! Thomas, where are you going?

It's just one shot. You can do it! We can win this thing!

Come on, Coop! You can do it.

Coop! Stop! Don't shoot!

Wait! Joey!

Here. I brought this for you.

I made it myself. Just like you.

Dude, you made this?

Well, Miss Reed helped me for most of it.

But I finished it myself.

Joey, this is great.

Coop, you know what Miss Reed told me tonight?

She said she wants me to be a big sports star.

Just like Joe Cooper.

Thanks, dude.

Go get them, Coop.

Hey, Coop!

When's the last time you made a home run without La-Z-Boy?

Al, we have seen some classic Denslow Cup battles in the past, but I can't remember one that ever rivaled the drama and excitement of this one.

It's off the rim!

Could be a double play. Darcy tips.

Jansen's try. No.

Beers have a shot at the conversion. Remer keeps it alive!

Last chance.

Coop up.

It's good!

Bob, in all my years of calling games, I don't think I've ever been this excited!

You're excited? Feel these nipples!

Update. We still have no fucking clue where this guy is.

And I can wear anything And I can be anything Tonight I don't wanna feel wonderful Tonight I don't wanna feel bad

'Cause tonight will be the night of my dreams Tonight I don't wanna feel anything

And then things moved in Took no time at all Tonight I don't wanna feel wonderful Hey, whoa!

Hey! Come on!


All right.

Coop, what?

Who is it? It's Reggie.

Reggie Jackson.

Well, go. Go ahead.

Reggie. Coop. Nice going out there.

Thanks, man. But, you know, I got to tell you.

It's because of you that I'm here. That's nice to know.

I brought this for you. I saw some kid try to leave the ballpark with it.

You got to hang on to that.

I got the two home run balls I hit in the World Series.

Some wretched little shit got the third one.

That sucks, dude.

I got to get my trophy. Maybe we can have a hot dog sometime?

All right, sounds good. Hey, Coop!

I don't have your fucking ball!

Good luck next year.

Oh. Thanks.

Hey, Baxter!

Got milk?

Oh, I'm sorry!

And so, on behalf of the National BASEketball League, we'd like to present to the Beers this year's Denslow Cup.


Go ahead, and take a victory lap.

And so, as they skate off, all you can think about is a team that conquered adversity, a team that overcame the odds, a team that defied the critics, a team that blah, blah, blah, blah...

And so, the ideal of sports once again blossomed from a tiny seed, nurtured, as always, by the dreams of the young.

Yeah! I'm the King of the World! Yeah!

You've been psyched out and you're goin' down I'm the trash-talkin' talented, no-class clown I will abuse you until you lose You can go on home and pout You've been psyched out

You talked to 20 men Your shoe's untied And your mama never loved you Mama never loved you She said she did but she's ugly and she lies She's never thinkin' of you Mama doesn't love you You ain't cut from the right cloth You don't got what it takes Now you blew it Oh, another stupid mistake Another bad, bad break You been psyched out and you're goin' down I'm a trash-talkin' talented, no-class clown I will abuse you until you lose You can go on home and pout You've been psyched out Oh, yeah!

Doorways open up and close More ways to a punch line They're all laughin' at your clothes Standin' in the lunch line You're the talk of the town First you're up then you're down It's a cycle I've found It always comes around But I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Air raids in the afternoon The children are playin'

Switchblades Colored red balloons No one hears you prayin'

And it comes back to you All the things that you do They'll come lookin' for you They'll come lookin' for you But I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Doorways lead to other rooms Always leave you lyin'

Face down in a stranger's tomb Didn't know you were dyin'

And you rise and you fall And you wait for the call You're watchin' the walls You're watchin' the walls But I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Laughin', laughin', laughin'


I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Laughin', laughin', laughin'


Dude. Dude.

Dude. Dude.