Be Here Now (2015) Script

This is the test.

It's a bit low.

Let's try again.

Looks a bit better.

Okay, is this thing on?

What now?

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

I wanna try it, daddy.

I wanna try to do it to you.

So it's recording the whole thing.

Video is movement, as opposed to still.

So you can do cool dancing.

[kid laughing]

[Jesse] Did it.

[Andy] You got one?

-Let's take a look. -[laughs]

[Vashti] Here comes Indi.

[Andy] Aw, you're big, aren't you?

[Vashti] Ready, Jesse?

Wow, through his legs.

Okay, hang on. Whoo!

[Jesse] Dad, dad like this?

Dad, dad like this?

[Andy] Yeah.

[Indigo] Hi, daddy.

[Vashti] So what have you got there, Andy pants?

So this just arrived.


That's real metal.

[Vashti] That was daddy's sword in Spartacus, Jesse.

Can I hold it?

And look, they've put my name on it.

[Vashti] Spartacus being the start of this crazy old journey.

[Jesse] Whoa, this is heavy.

[Andy] It's really heavy.

[Indigo] Heavy, heavy.

[Vashti] So here we have my beautiful husband who has just finished his bone marry biopsy.

Was I? I must've been out.

-[Vashti] Yeah. -I don't remember much.

But the cancer is back.

And, I guess where we're at is at a point of learning to live with cancer again, and all the repercussions and fears and everything that go with that.

[Andy] And that's why we need to take it day by day, beat this disease and...

Live happily ever after.

[indistinct audio]

We have a way in our lives and world where if we really focus on something and we really want to make something happen, we put absolutely everything into it.


So there's a ham that's slightly overcooked.

[Vashti] Even if it takes years, we are capable, together, Andy and I, of making extraordinary things happen.


[Andy] Vashti and I have always had an amazing relationship, and we've achieved some quite remarkable things together in a relatively short time.

Because we believe that all that is attainable.

And it's such a powerful place to be when you can think like that.

It creates a space for you to be clear and to run your life with your intuition and not with fear.


Our life has never been ordinary.

Thank god, you know?

And we have a commitment that we have an extraordinary life.

Look at that face. You see that face?

[Vashti] But it doesn't matter if we are successful or not.

It's about the journey and if you commit to it, something extraordinary will come of it.

[Vashti] Hey, Indi, how old are you going to be on your birthday?

-Three. -[Vashti] Three?

With five fingers. [laughs]

[Andy] How old are you going to be?

-Six. -[Vashti] Holy Mackerel, six.

-[Andy] Sixteen? -No, six.

[Vashti] And how old are you going to be, old bugger?

-[Andy] I'm going to be 80. -No, 40.

[Andy] 39, I'm going to be this year.

-[Vashti] What a year. -What a year.

-[Vashti] The year. -I shall remember it.

-[Vashti laughs] -Time.

[woman 1] Okay.

[woman 2] It's still running?

[woman 1] Yup.

[man] Take five-three.

Thank you.

[Andy] I've spent the last eight years trying to make it as an actor, and I pushed hard to get there.

And it was the end of a long campaign when I auditioned for the lead of a huge American TV series.

[Vashti] At one point in that journey, Andy had gone out for Spartacus and he was in LA.

Whatever happens to me, my men, their families, happen because we choose it.

We decide our destiny.

Not the Romans.

And I remember that day I wore a little note in both cups of my bra, 'cause I had boobs then, saying, "Andy is Spartacus.

Andy is Spartacus."

I kept sending him emails saying, "How fantastic. You've got Spartacus."

Before he even got it.

We made it happen, and that's how we roll.

[woman] Why are you here? What's happening?

What's going on?

Well, this is, this is real.

That's real sweat.

This is Gladiator Boot Camp.

I started yesterday and my buttocks are killing me.

I turn up one day going, " This is actually bit terrifying now because this is what I've wanted for so long and it's here and I have to deliver."

[director] Action.

[Vashti] Andy literally arrived back from LA and went straight off to start shooting in New Zealand and suddenly becoming Spartacus and cutting a six pack and glutes and pecks of steel.

[director] Action.

[Andy] I mean, I was exhausted, but I'm pretty sure anyone would've been.

It's one of the most extreme things I've ever gone through.

[upbeat music playing]

I keep pace with the mighty Spartacus.

[Andy] I think Spartacus is a unique show.

I mean, you're walking around in your underwear.

You have to train your arse off just to look the part, let alone doing your own fight choreography and the long film days.


That is not my name.

[Andy] And of course, the action is a big component of this show.

But it's just there to highlight the drama.

The story is about an everyman who finds himself captured by the supposedly civilized Romans, and is forced to fight for his own survival.


[crowd cheering]

[Spartacus screaming]


[Andy] And I think as the show continues, his passion to help liberate all the people trapped by circumstances of which they had no control becomes something that he can really put his energy into.

How much longer?

How much blood until we're free?


I promise you.

He just can't sit back and take the abuse.

He will make a stand for everyone and everything.

However many times they knock him down,

while there is still blood pumping through his veins, he will get up and fight and fight and never, never, ever stop.

And there's certainly parts of me that I can identify with that.

So it's really my dream role to be the title character and to collaborate with all these amazing people.

How white your teeth are.


-Got the gladiator smile. -[Andy] It's 73 B.C.

It's the gladiator smile.

[Andy] And to have a show so well-received and successful, I sort of had everything at my feet.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

I am Spartacus.

Season one of Spartacus finished, and I was in a lot of, a lot of pain at the end of that, and wasn't sure what it was and it wasn't going away.

I got a call saying, "Hon, I'm in trouble."

And I said, "What do you mean?

You've just gone to see a sport's doctor."

And he said, "I think I've got cancer."

And I threw myself in a taxi and raced across Sydney to look at a huge X-ray, a basic one, nonetheless, of my husband's body with black patches everywhere.

I ended up being diagnosed with Non-hodgkin's Lymphoma, and it was pretty extreme.

It was stage four at the time, and so everything went on hold with a view to coming back.

My oncologist was saying, "You know, if you want to get cancer, this is the one you want. It's 80% treatable.

You're young and healthy.

You'll just breeze through the treatment."

And so, I never, ever, ever was scared of it.

[Vashti] The whole treatment, Andy had to go through the chemotherapy, but he did it extraordinarily gracefully, humbly, and he gave everything to how he could heal himself.

I really fell in love with him even more through that.

I went into remission, which was great.

Everything got back on track and I galloped to the next season, season two.

[audience applauding and cheering]

[woman] Come on, Andy!

The champion of Capua, the bringer of rain, Andy Whitfield.

You know, I'd like to have this opportunity as well just to thank some of the messages I got from the fans.

It was, it was kind of, you know, profound and moving to get such a connection from complete strangers.

So, thank you.

You gave me a great lift when I needed it.


Since then, I had to have an insurance scan for season two to go back to shoot, you know, just to make sure I was still okay, still in remission.

And they found a resilient little subset of cells and they said, "You know, if you do nothing, you'll be dead within three to six months."

It just doesn't add up to me.

You know, when I asked the oncologist what causes the disease I have...

No idea.

No idea.

I mean, how do you fix something if you don't know the cause?

You can patch it up, but does it take away the conditions that created it and maintained it in the first place?

And so I've just become fascinated with that question right now, and...

I think there's a whole world out there to...

to look at, to try and answer that question.

What I want for us now is to be really clear about what we want from this journey and that is...

to just learn from each other, grow from it, and not be frightened by it.

In my heart, I am convinced that... this is all meant to be.

I'm supposed to be right here, right now, and...

I'm open to the journey and to the discoveries and to the adventure of all of this.

Be here now is all about being present and not fearing what you don't know.

And so I feel really passionate and inspired to do this even though I have no idea how it's going to turn out.

[soothing music]

It's the weekend, and it's the day after we've just found out that Andy's got... the lymphoma's come back.

And I've had all sorts of fucking scary information about what that means.

I think I'm just so numb from too much information that I just don't know how I feel right now.

[Vashti] Let's go in with the context of just hearing about a second opinion and make sure that the treatment will actually have some effect on overpowering the cancer.

To me, it's very simple.

The best chance of long term survival, long term remission, living happily ever after, is to have some reinduction therapy and then get your stem cells collected, and then have a stem cell transplant.

And can you explain to me what the principle is?

Phase A: two cycles of reinduction chemotherapy.

-Each take about four weeks. -[Andy] Yeah.

During one or both of those, we'll collect stem cells.

Then, we'll do phase B, which is the big dose of chemotherapy, the biggest hammer to knock the disease out.

Then, we'll look at your own bone marrow.

But as soon as we've done the chemotherapy, we rescue your bone marrow with the stem cell transplant.


You have to be convinced that this is the right treatment and then get on and do it.


But it doesn't mean do it tomorrow.

We have a little bit of time.

Right, okay.

[shaky voice] I'm going to cry.

I just feel so relieved, just speaking to someone who's speaking about it without this like, "You don't do this.

You're going to die and you can't see your kids."

It just feels really good to hear it said with such grace and I know nothing's a certain, but it just feels strangely more supportive.

Sort of.

Sorry, I'm fine.

[Andy] Do you have this effect on everyone?

[John] Yeah, I always make women cry.

[all laughing]

[slow guitar music]

My oncologist said, "Let's do some rounds of chemo, get it in remission, do the stem cell transplant, and hopefully live happily ever after."

I've just been liberated and so free all day, and I guess now the night's coming, and I'm tired.

I've been up since four this morning.

And I'm starting to panic, again.



When I was first diagnosed, I got treatment.

I had chemotherapy and at the time, my oncologist was saying, "80% of people who go through this go into remission."

-You gonna race with us? -[Indigo] Yeah.


[Jesse] On your marks, get set...

[both] Go!

Go, Indi! Get him.

But in my case, it wasn't successful, and what they're saying now is that there is a second level of treatment.

But only 25% of the people that go through the best that the world has to offer make it.

It's suddenly a different level of things at stake.

Where I'm at right now is trying to understand the current approach and is it the best way to go.

They did a biopsy and they found

-a subset of resilient cells. -[therapist] Yup.

And so they're kind of saying, "You have to go onto the next level of treatment."

[therapist] Which is?

[Andy] Much more intense chemo.


[Andy] It's my responsibility to pursue whatever I need to do to get my health back whether it's through chemotherapy or alternative treatment.

And then there's the whole psychological side of all that has to do with it.

I'd like you to think back to a time when something...

really got your attention.

[Andy] I think having a positive outlook in your own treatment has gotta help, even if it's a 1% improvement in your prognosis.

Tell me what you're noticing right now about the sensation.

It's like a stadium.

Okay, what do you notice about the energy of the stadium?

Everyone is cheering.

And have you noticed who they're cheering for?


And just allow that to completely fill your body, bathing in that feeling of being supported.

Daddy's here!

Dad, do you want me to do one of your rolls in Spartacus?

[Andy] Yeah.

[Vashti] We're in a real crossroads about what to do.


Can I have a kiss?

Can I have a kiss?

Andy is literally on hoof running from... one inquiry to another, from Ayurvedic medicine to acupuncture, all of which if it were me, I would be doing too.

And, I am in no way pushing him to do chemotherapy.

But you just want to do what you think will fix the situation.

And I've caught myself doing that with such surprise recently, like wanting Andy to just get well, just do the quick thing so we can get on.

[Andy] I've read plenty of anecdotal stuff about people doing this whole Ayurvedic treatment to manifest health.

You know, I'm obviously being advised to do chemotherapy.

They've said, "We'll book you for the 3rd of November."

And I think three weeks, I could go to India.

I could, you know, I could go and see what that does first.

I can't see how that could be a process that wouldn't assist and even allow your body to get strong so that should you have to go down that chemotherapy path, you're going to be in an even better position to be able to manage that process.

I feel like I'm on a path and if I choose one way, I'll be fine. I will.

If I go chemotherapy, I'll get through. I'll be in the 25%.

-Yeah. -I don't doubt that.


But there's this whole other path here that I really believe in.


I believe in this more than I do this right now.

And maybe that's what's the problem for me.

Can I just say I do support that.

-I second you doing that 100%. -Well, I do need.

I just need some support on it from the people around me because I just feel like I'm...

I'm doing it on my own and people think I'm mad.

[Vashti] Who thinks you're mad?

You do.

[Vashti] I don't think, I've never said I think I'm mad.

-No, but. -So here's the thing.

Sometimes what you're getting is this unprocessed me, you know, like I might, like last night I dreamt about this, I dreamt about it.

Because it's my girlfriend's anniversary of dying three years ago from cancer. [shaky voice]

Last night, I dreamt that you, we just didn't have time, and we'd left it too late.

And you went in for chemo and they said, "I'm sorry, we can't do it because it's everywhere.

It's too late."

And I just remember thinking, "If we'd just been open to everything and tried everything, Jesse would have a dad."

And that was my dream and it's terrifying.

-So I wake up. -You go off and meditate.

I go down, make lunches, have the gorgeous little people screaming at me, yelling at me, and what's still going on in my head.

[Indigo shouting]

Is that we didn't have time, and then you're saying, "You're not supporting me" and I'm trying to process that, get that silly thought out of my head because I don't believe it anyway, but it's in my whole body, to then support you going off and doing some more exploratory work, you know, when I know that... all day I'm going to be feeling strange.

[crying] As a mother with two children, there's a protective streak in you that goes, "What if he did die?"

And that's an awful thing and something I can't explain to Andy, but it's in me as the possible... parent who would be supporting these two little people.

And I think it would break Andy's heart to hear that I'm even considering that as an option, but I can't help it.

Does that make any sense to you?

[Andy] It does.

[Vashti] What's going on for you?

Well, I knew all that was going on.

I know all that's going on, hon. I'm your husband.

I know you more than anyone.

And I guess how I'm getting through it is to, it's a trust thing.

I'm just trusting, and... you know, in that space, then anything is possible.

And I just, it's hard and unreasonable to ask anyone else to trust as much as I do.

I feel like there's a lack of trust or something in me and I'm not clear on what that is, but it has me conflicted in how to support him even though in my heart I know I support him fully in whatever he chooses to do.

I do trust that whatever you do is the right thing and you just have to know I support it whatever it is.

As long as it doesn't harm anybody else, I support it, and you just need to know that.

[Andy] Alright.

[screaming] Hey.

In something that's so powerless and horrific as cancer, you didn't choose to have it and there's no getting out of it.

There's no, like, "I just don't want to do this anymore."

And at the same time, there's no one going, "Let's just do this.

It's gonna kill cancer.

It's gonna be okay."

By the end of the day, you've gotta make a call.

And it's a big call to put your faith in one camp.

What if they're wrong?

I think the way you navigate through is to use your intuition.

And then you have to dig deep and trust that the future is bright.

So, I just had a profound...

insight, feeling...

and I'm going to India.

Okay, so here we are.

Where are we?

Now, I'm gonna go all the way on a plane to Delhi.

[Vashti] And maybe show Jesse where Grandpa Bob is coming from because Grandpa Bob is going to visit Daddy.

My dad, your granddad, is coming from a little island in Wales, there, straight to Delhi.

[Jesse] Where does it say Delhi?

Right here.

So, that's where I'm going today.

-Are you going to be okay? -[Vashti] Love you.

-Yeah, yeah. -[Andy] Love you too.

-I'm going to be fine. -See you in three weeks.

[Vashti] You will.

Welcome to India. [laughs]

It's like a different planet.

It's magical, beautiful, colorful chaos.

[slow guitar music]

I'm here.

I start treatment tomorrow. It feels amazing.

There's nothing to fear.

I've had a bit of a battering this year.

I've had six rounds of chemo, and it's such a poisonous treatment that kills your good cells as well as, hopefully, the bad ones.

So it's time to do something cleansing.

This is all kind of 5,000 year old, no side effects, slightly magical medicine.

I'm losing some.

It's a perfectly natural way of purifying the body, to help rebalance your system.

And for me, that's a more of inspiring form of treatment.

I'm very lucky to be here.

My dad's coming soon.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Welcome to India.

How are you?

What a journey.

-How are you? -I'm fine, you?

-Good to see you. -Looking good.

I feel good, I feel good.

[upbeat drum music]

[Rob] When I first heard the path Andrew was taking, I was a little concerned because I have a conditioned prejudice that western approach is maybe the only way that is available.

But this is what he wanted to do.

I think that's the one. Yes.

[Rob] And I hope that he will come away feeling quite relaxed and ready for the next step in the journey.

Today I'm going to see the Indian astrologer and he's going to, he's going to look at my life.

I just have to tell them where I was born and at what time and what date, and then they can calculate my journey.

-This is your horoscope. -Okay.

Your ascendant is Capricorn.

According to medical astrology, you were born in Capricorn.

[Andy] Okay.

[Pandit] And your moon sign is Virgo.

-Gemini sign. -[Andy] Gemini?

Yes, Gemini, Virgo.

-[Andy] My wife is Gemini. -Then good.

She is very good for you.

Gemini, Virgo, Taurus.

-My son is Taurus. -Very good.

Your path is exalted in the ascendant.

It means you are a very courageous and bold person

and now I will tell about the sixth house, about your health.

The lord of sixth house, Mercury, in tenth house with Sun and Venus.

The sun, the planet is weak in your horoscope.

It shows little difficult time for health.

This is, it looks a little bit serious.


That may create short life.

[Andy sighs]

In my opinion, I think you will overcome.


There is more support from the planet, and if you pass these two years, then you will have lot of good things.

-Okay. -[Pandit] Any question?

I have a question around, because in Australia, they do chemotherapy.

Yes, you have to do little bit this kind of treatment, chemotherapy.

Thank you.

I think, yes, in my opinion, this shows some difficult time for you, but you will overcome because there is nature support.

-Ah, I'll take that. -That shows you long life.

-I'll take that. -Somehow.

He thinks I'll be okay. Oh, god.


He says maybe...

two or three years of... you know, a struggle.



I already knew that the next year was going to be kind of tough with treatment and recovery.

And I guess the whole point of the chart in astrology is to... to avoid the danger that's not yet come.

That's what they keep saying.

"To avoid the danger that has not yet come."

People have always been talking to me about don't paddle upstream, you know? Go with the flow.

And I was like, "I totally get that."

But it wasn't until I was actually in the Ganges that I sort of went...

"Of course. It's going that way, anyway.

Go with it."

And if there's a rock, paddle around it.

As it comes up, you can see the danger and you can navigate around it.

And so it was a really nice thing to go, "I'm just going to go with the flow."

You can't be questioning why.

Just accept the things you can't change and do something about the things you can.

[soft piano music]

[chanting in background]

[Rob] The whole experience from my point of view was quite surprising.

I feel, personally, so much better than when I came that I have to believe that it's done the same for him.

[Andy] I didn't want to do chemotherapy for a long time.

See you soon.

But my destiny has assured whatever I do.

I'll do the chemotherapy to kill the cancer and I will use everything I've learned along the way to rebalance me and to help me for the rest of my life.

It'll be interesting to see how it goes when I get home, back in...

back in the mentalness of the west.

It's Friday, day one of chemo.

I'm going to be here for four days now.

Well, five including yesterday, last night.

And I've just realized there's been no joy until my gorgeous wife arrives and we have a giggle.

[Vashti] You can press up, and down, and up and down.

-How are your abs? -Burning.

[Vashti] You could have a six pack by the end of your chemo. [laughs]

-Anyway. -Where are we going?

Just up here behind that traffic light.

Look at how many holes I've got.

I know, I just, looking at your punctured, kind of pin cushioned arms.

Ugh, I've got fucking holes everywhere.

Will you promise that you won't wake me up every three hours and take my temperature and blood pressure tonight?


I will be expecting you to do your husbandly duties, though.

What's that?


It's those actions that you have to do so that your wife doesn't get herself a lover.

Probably you just get a lover.

[Vashti laughs]

I'll be on my nausea pills.

I am Spartacus.

[Vashti] Alright, darling. Welcome home.

[Andy] Home.

Now you've got to be gentle to daddy bear.

Poor daddy.

Listen, very gentle, but big kisses for Daddy because he's going to bed now.

[Andy] Give me a cuddle.

[Jesse] Can I see your arm?

It's all gone, though.

[Vashti] Come on, then.

Let's go and get into bed.

[Indigo] Good night.

-Night, guys. Love you. -Daddy will be sleeping now.

It's good to have him home.

But I do feel a tiny sense of anxiety about the fact that I am going to be looking after him and I don't know how he's going to be.

[exhales heavily]

I have no idea where the last week has gone.

I had some reaction to... one of the drugs.

I literally lost my mind.

I spent three or four days just... talking myself off a roof.

And I descended into the darkest, most bleak depression,

and I could not see an end to it.

He couldn't really share a conversation properly, didn't know what he wanted and he was actually, I don't know if he realized, but really quite aggressive.

And, uh.

[Andy] I really don't remember anything.

Angry and said quite a few strange things to me.

When we spoke to the doctor, he said it's a totally unknown, unheard of reaction and that there's no way they could foresee it and so we're not going to do it again.

So we're going to go back to the old mixture of chemo.

You've got a brilliant knack of phoning at the worst time.

At the moment, I have to say.

I tried to call you last night several times.


So it's been a weird couple days and it feels like we're sort of seeing the light, and yeah.

So yeah, and I'm in a sort of slightly peculiar resistant place, at the moment, to it all.

Well, I'm not. I'm not.

And at the moment, I feel like a fucking crap wife and a horrible mum and a selfish person with horrible thoughts going on in my head.



No, I don't want that.

I don't, I never say, "Why is this happening?"

I just want more fucking time.

I need some time to take it all in.

It's just been really full on.

I'm very torn.

So torn.

It's very easy to go, "Fuck!

I've got cancer, I've got cancer!

I could die."

And why me and feeling angry and seeing people everywhere going, "Why are they worried about a pimple they've got on their face or a poor guy's broken his leg and he won't be a triathlete anymore,

and I've got cancer."

Anyway, I'm fine, Mum.

Don't freak out.

I just knew I'd fall apart when I spoke to you.

I love you too. [sobbing]

My mum's coming from Wales.

It'll be good to have her here, have her around, and she's tough.

She's tough, my mum.

And it will take some pressure off Vashti because I'm conscious that Vashti's trying to manage the children and me.

Sometimes you just need your mum.

[slow piano music]

[Vashti] I feel so torn in so many different ways

because I'm trying to look after my children, give them the love they need,

and at the same time, I'm trying to support Andy when he's feeling confused or completely lost.

This has been a big smack in the chops for both of us.

We're just both in transition of being ready for what this journey is about, which is a lot more intense than we expected, I think.

But I'm really hoping that will change when Andy's mum comes to the rescue.

Hey, guys. Grandma is here.


Hi, dear.

-Hi. -How are you, Mum?

-It's lovely to see you. -You too.

How are you?

-How are you feeling today? -I'm good, I'm doing well.

Oh, good.

So I understand he feels better.

Yeah, you're catching him like on the first really, really good day.

[Pat] I hope that while I'm here, I can support Vashti, do lots with the children who are a delight and make you forget.

I think these ones bend the other way, don't they?

They bend backwards.

[Pat] I hope I can, in the smallest way, make a difference.

You've got a genius child, do you know?

I know.

Just support and love and be there.

What would you like done with your hair today, love?

Going somewhere nice for the holidays?

Something practical.

Summery, cool and...

And shorter.

Stylish, please.

I came over with slightly mixed feelings because it wasn't what you want.

But it's a good time.

I think if you have to look at that and know that you're actually going to get a lot out of it, and a special time.

[playful music]

[Jesse] I'm gonna decorate the tree.

[Andy] Show me.

Do one. There you go.

Well done, Indi.


[Vashti] Andy was booked in to go in for chemo and he got there and they decided that what they were going to do is run a scan to make sure there were no surprises.

The result was that there was nothing new and that the original lymphoma had at least halved, which is a fantastic sign because it means he's responding to the treatment.

Nearly, nearly, nearly.

Run with the ball.

I can't wait to go in and get round two done

because it's working and as strange as it is, to be in a ward 24/7, hooked up to a machine, and I just went to get in, get this cancer killed off.

[Vashti] Hi, boys.

What are you doing here today, Jesse?

I got a new, something to do today.

[Vashti] Is that your new cuddly toy?

-Him? -[Jesse] What have you got?

I came out of the second lot of chemo.

And it's not too bad.

Like I feel, I feel fine.

And I, I look really well.

Now, they'll collect stem cells.

Here it comes.

And sometime after Christmas, I'll go in and, hopefully, I'm in remission.

Assuming I am, I'll then do the stem cell transplant.

And then the stem cell transplant wipes out any underlying disease.

This is gonna be the end of it.

Now, I want to look at all your gorgeous faces.

[all] Cheers!

Happy New Year.

To another year of adventure.

Come on, give me a kiss.

And slightly less drama, but drama of a different kind.

-Yes. -Maybe a thriller film drama.


[Vashti] Look at that.

[Andy] In some aspects, this was the best year of my life.

And for all the downsides of treatment, there was all the joy of being at home, and being with my kids and my wife.

With the turning of the new year, I just get excited about getting through treatment and surviving cancer.

[crowd chattering]

[man] So are you excited for the premiere?

Yeah, I am. I guess this is the first.

I mean, we've all seen it and we love it, so it's kind of nice that we get a chance to finally share it after all the hard work.

This time last year, I was the lead of a big successful American TV series.

After much effort and sacrifice, I finally got to where I wanted to be.

I don't remember like a career counselor going, "So what do, you know, what is it you wanna do?"

I don't remember any of that. I just remember someone saying, "You need to go to university.

"Pick something."

And the guy across the road was an engineer.

So I did engineering and I did that for 15 years.

And then one day, some girl grabbed me in a cafe and she said, "Who's your agent?"

I was like, "I don't have an agent."

And she said, "I'm a photographer.

I want... can I take your picture?"

And that ended up in a magazine and then I was a model.

[Vashti] He kind of stepped into modeling, was hugely successful very quickly.

And he was at one point the highest used model for Australian TV commercials.

And then little parts in TV started showing up.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Pam Horman.

These are her boys. They're here to see their dad.

There wasn't enough work to give up my engineering.

So I balanced it for a couple of years.

[woman] Mr. Lee?

I've got investors arriving in half an hour and they're supposed to have publicity material, which your secretarial services was supposed to have printed out.

I see.

Then I'd take a month off and go to LA and try and get something big.

Jane Porter.

I am Tarzan.

Do you think I'd go for a skinny bitch like you?

[director] And we're rolling.

[woman] Reacts to camera?

[Andy] And then Vashti fell pregnant and I sort of realized, "Oh, my god, I've got to provide for everybody now."

You know, like my wife's not going to be working, and I just thought I'm just gonna put acting on the back burner.

And then literally the next day, my agent rang and said they've got an audition.

[woman] I have no desire to fight you, Gabriel.

Shoot me if you must, but I beg you, hear what I have to say first.

You lie.

I never trust your kind.

[Andy] They rang the next day and said, "They've offered you the lead role in this movie.

But it's not paid."

And I was like, "Great."

"There's no way I can do it."

And then Vashti said, "What would you rather tell your son?

That you didn't do this thing you've been trying to do for years because of money or that you just did it anyway?"


So I just did it.

[Amitiel] Gabe?

It's my fault.


You gotta talk to me. Listen, you gotta talk to me.

Gabe! Listen.


-Look at you! -You don't understand!

[Andy] From that, I got an American agent and manager and flew to America and a year later I had Spartacus.

Nine months filming and a six-year deal.

You know, I had offers, film offers.

Didn't have to audition anymore I was planning the next career move.

All that effort of trying to make it.

I was set.

And I've been kind of mourning the loss of that victory, if you'd like, because this lymphoma is still not in remission.

My mind's going crazy.

I just don't know what my fate is for the next little while.


I feel sick.

I got you some DVDs to choose from.

Got Mad Men 3, Sunshine Cleaning, which is a really cute funny film.

Had a PET scan yesterday and that was to show that everything was in remission and I could go on and do the next stage, which was the bone marrow transplant.

We got a call this morning from the specialist's secretary saying, "You better come in.

He wants to talk about your results."

Is that enough?

-What, for a week? -Yeah.


[Andy] In a nutshell, all the original lymphoma was gone, except this new area, which was never there before.

I just don't know what's ahead now.

You know, is it one round of chemo?

Is it another round? Is it, what is it?

It's unusual for lymphoma to respond in one part and grow in another.

We've got to find a cunning way of treating this.

[Andy] It wasn't until I got to the ward that Professor Gibson said, "We need to knock this on the head.

This drug that we're going to give you now specifically targets really fast growing stuff.

You're going to be here for ten days.

This is the big guns now.

If you're not having response to this kind of chemo, then nothing else is really going to work."

It was the first time anyone mentioned that.

Before, it was an easy case for him and now it feels like it's getting more of his attention.

I'm having a high dose chemo now.

I'm really feeling it.

I've already got some ulcers.

I mean, whose mouth is that?

I just don't recognize it.

Gums are all receding and kind of raw,

and I guess my stomach, as well, is trashed and I've got this rash.

I can see it all over my body, which is kind of chemo heat.

And, I just feel sorry for my body, for my cells.

They're taking such a battering.

So hopefully this big hit will get it under control and we'll get back on track for the transplant.

Ah, I can smell some children.


[Indigo] Daddy!


[Vashti] Aw, is it your daddy?

Hello, beautiful children.

-That's you. -That's me?

[Vashti] Aw, it looks just like you.

I've got one hair left on my chin.

That is prefect, Indi.

-Thank you. -[Vashti] Well done.

-That's beautiful. -[Vashti] Hello, Jesse Red.

Hello, can I have a cuddle?

Daddy, daddy, daddy.

Oh, I've missed you guys.

What've you been up to?

You been looking after everyone for me?

[Indigo] I missed you, daddy.

I missed you, too.

I really should be in remission by now, but treatment's dragged on for nearly a year.

And that's sometimes a bit of a heavy burden, for everyone.

That's you fat.

That's me fat?

And I have no body, just a fat head with arms and legs?

It does look like me.

You've got a body.

Yeah, I have.

I don't know what effect it's having on the children.

But you know, I'm sort of realizing more and more that they're incredibly perceptive kids anyway.

And we sort of, I've been broaching the subject of, I never actually mentioned the word cancer.

I've said, "I have a problem with my blood."

Or "My blood needs replacing" or "needs fixing."

You know, it's a sort of semi-serious context, but, "hey don't worry, I'm gonna be fine."

Hey, Jesse Red, what's happening?

How was your week?

Good. Thank you very much.

How was yours?

Very good, thanks.

Thank you for asking.

I think with kids, as long as what they're seeing matches what they're being told, it's kind of easy to understand and go along with.

Okay, I'm just going to shave.

[Jesse] Okay.

[Indigo] What are you doing with your hair?

He's just taking his hair because the medicine's making it come out.

Look at that. Nice big clump.

[Indigo] It's coming off?

Yeah, I'm having a hair cut.

Do you want me to cut your hair off, too?

[Indigo] No.

No, I'm only joking.

I asked Indi if I could have her hair for a bit.

[Vashti] No.

[Andy] We're all in it together and getting through it as a family.

Go into bed. Lie down.

And you can hear the story.

[Andy] And of course, my mum's been so brilliant and supportive.

She's been here for four months.

And, of course, the treatment's gone much longer than we'd hope.

So her trip's been extended.

So my dad's coming out tomorrow.

Alright, I think it's time to tuck you both in bed.

I'm really looking forward to seeing him.

I'm really excited about having him around.

I need that please.

Do you think you might need some more?

I need that please.

Grandpa, grandpa!

[Andy] It's another great gift of this whole journey.

Good to see you.

How are you?

-I'm fine, I'm good. -[Vashti] Hello.

Let me be useful.

She's the man of the house these days.

I'm the man of the house at the moment.

[indistinct chattering]

Read me your email.

-[Vashti] Are you sure? -Yeah.

"Hello, lovely folk.

It's another spectacular, hot, clear day in Sydney, the kind of day you English folk are dreaming of, but in all honesty, we're longing for the autumn.

Andy's doing really well and in the midst of an additional couple rounds of chemo.

He's sitting, strumming on his beautiful guitar with a big smile on his face, which is partly to do with the fact that this morning he woke up with a massive boner, the first one for a wee while.

So, in truth, we're both smiling.

That's all for now.

Sending you lots of love.

Keep the updates coming and your lives rolling in as it's nice to be connected with people off this island."

Well, thank you for sharing my morning boner with...

-Hundreds of friends. -Millions.

Okay, that's sent.

But I haven't sent out updates for so long now just because, I didn't have anything to say, in all honesty.

I was just trying to process everything.

[Andy] What's different?

I just, I just think, for me, it was like...

I just feel so much calmer and more grounded.

I just, I think readjusting my perspective and re-framing that life right now is about this.

Yeah, you seem a lot better.

You seem so, more, more grounded I guess.

This is just what it is.

Right here, right now is today and enjoying today.

[Vashti] I've just felt like I'm trying to speed track this treatment so that we can just get on with our lives.

But the most conflicting thing is to fight against it.

And, ultimately, I just have to be there for Andy,

which is why we chose to walk the earth together.

When I first met Andy, I was at university and it was one of those summers backpacking and lots of different friends from different unis kind of all got together.

I was with a long-term girlfriend and she said, "Do you want to come on holiday with a bunch of people?"

And Vashti was one of them.

And then, four years later, I was walking down an alleyway in East London and this girl walks by and she shouted my name.

[Vashti] I couldn't quite remember his name, and I went, "Um, Andy?"

And he looked around and I went, "Vashti."

And we both were marveled at the difference in the way we looked.

He was this really handsome man.

He was fairly humble and very gentle, which is some of the things I loved about him on first meeting him.

[Andy] My first impression of Vashti was powerful.

She was just this fearless, atomic bomb.

And I guess I was the other side.

I was quite, quite quiet person growing up.

I was born in the '70s.

In the North of England.

It wasn't a world of possibility and excess.

They'd had a grim old time.

And I just grew up on our nation's values like that.

Life is tough and you can't have your cake and eat it.

[Vashti] What stood out is, you know, I'd see these pictures of a really happy little boy and they was clearly quite a close little family.

It just looks completely different to my upbringing with hippy parents.

I was also born in Wales also, coincidentally.

But they decided that they would drive across land from England to India with my sister and I.

So we traveled around everywhere.

We were in Afghanistan, Iran, Pakistan for quite a few years of our junior lives.

So there's a fierce independence that I was given by their lust for adventure.

When I met Andy, I'd met someone to walk beside and that feeling was overwhelming.

His humbleness and my kind of "rah" brought a balance to two people that benefited from something else.

And I think as we've grown, there's been times where we were reversed, where I've been the one that's been charging hard and she's been able to sort of sit still and find new parts of herself in that.

[Vashti] Andy taught me to not have to be strong, and I've become this softer, more vulnerable person.

And so together, kind of like a lioness and a butterfly, teaching one to be strong and one to be soft, became this love affair.

To the right.

And in.

And forward.

And folding forward.

Rolling on up and through the center.

Through the nose, Ujjayi.

Let's do something else, Andy.

[kids chattering]


What are you doing?

[Vashti] Oh, sorry.

[Andy] I think I heard some Whitfield children.


Daddy's under a pink blanket.

What is that on your eyes?

[Vashti] Just give him five minutes and let daddy just come to.

What are you doing, daddy?

I'm doing a really relaxing thing.

Can I have a kiss?

I'm up on my own in the middle of the night in discomfort and there's been a lot of this.


Kind of reminds me of before I got diagnosed lat year and just the constant sleepless nights. And the pain.

This aching pain that just won't go away adds to the usual pre-scan anxiety.

What did you have to catch up on?

I had to catch up on the... my homework.

You know the first page I didn't do?


[Vashti] This is such a roller coaster of a week.

What do you mean? Oh, you got one?

Great, actually got it.

That one was Anakin in it.

[Vashti] And all we can do is go with it.

And Obi Wan Kenobi.

It's brand new.

[Vashti] And I'm constantly fighting to not get caught in the terror of it all.

But I haven't got any answers and I really haven't got any space to process them.

Because I'm trying to process what's coming next with Andy.

-Babe? -[Andy] Terrible.

I feel terrible.

I feel so much pain. I don't know what to do.

But, I've got Jesse.

Are you okay with Jesse?

[Andy] I just want to go home.

Alright, I'll be very quick.

Andy was really sleep deprived and exhausted and our oncologist basically just stormed in there like a bull in a China shop with a bunch of other registrars around him and read Andy the Riot Act on his chances being slim and it could be a choice if he wanted to just not go ahead.

[Andy] I said, "What's our alternative?"

He says, "Well, you'll die of lymphoma."

And I'm like, "What?

Then we'll keep going."

I will support whatever you choose.

If you choose that chemo is the way.

Well, you know, I've had 11 rounds of chemo, you know.

I've had 11 rounds of fucking chemo

over the last year.

And perhaps that's too much?

And deja vu, here we are, waiting for the phone to ring to see what my fate... is according to, you know, my oncologist.

So it's kind of make or break today.

[phone ringing]

Here we go.


-[John] Hello? -Hi, we're here.

Sorry, I'm just putting you on loud speaker.

[John] Okay.

Alright, um, nothing good, I'm afraid.


[John] The PET scan compared to the previous scan showed that the mass in the abdomen was larger and more active.

This is clearly not the result that any of us wanted.

This represents the nasty aggressive nature of your recurrent lymphoma that is resistant to all of the standard lymphoma drugs.

And so maybe it's worthwhile considering radiotherapy.


[sighs] Wow.

[John] We're really in a very tight corner with not too many other, um...



-Okay. -[Vashti] Thank you.

So how do you feel, hon?

You know, the good thing is it's totally unrelated to chemotherapy, so, it's not like if chemotherapy works, radiation doesn't work, you know?

Well, you know. There's a couple of tracks.

You can go to a second opinion.

You can go and find another oncologist who might want to try a different mix.

There's got to be other alternative ways of reducing your lymphoma.

Sure, let's find out.

I love you.

I love you, too, and you look calm.

Yeah. I guess for the last few days, I've been facing my own mortality.

For the first time, I've actually, gone, "You know what?

I wonder what it'd be like just to go, 'I might die?'"

Whereas before, it's been like, "I don't care.

Whatever you say, I'm gonna make it."

And it's been really liberating to sort of sit, actually sit in it and go, "You know what?

I might only have three months left.

I might, that might be my journey."

And I'm not actually afraid of that.

And I guess that's why I mentioned before about there's a sort of, it feels almost selfish to think like that because there are other people at stake, you know?

There's my children who need a father.

And my wife who needs a husband,

although I don't do that much right now.

You do a good job.

And, I just don't know.

I just think I've kind of made some peace over the last few days with that,

which is sort of weird because I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I certainly feel--

But don't you think you should think about it?

I think you should just feel it.

I want you to do what's in your heart and not what your head tells you to do.

Because I think you're really clear on that and perhaps you've not listened to that because you've been so frightened and sick.

And I just know that whatever happens [weakly] because I don't see you not being there.

The kids will honor and respect the choices you made

to be here and to take them on that journey.

I guess...

you'd do anything to be there for your kids, you know?

And that's what I still want to do.

Right now I just feel overwhelmed.

And I'm not sure how it's all gonna work.

I know it will.

But I just feel ripped off again, today.

I can't believe it.

I just don't get why...

why it isn't working.


Holy shit.

This is huge.

This is huge.

And terrifying.

I've gotta go.

How are you?

Good, how are you feeling?

I feel a bit wiped out the last two or three days, really lethargic and then...

I don't have my usual self-motivating "oomph".

Here I am, nine months later.

Pretty fucked, pretty depleted.

I'm now in the minority group where I'm not responding to chemo.

And it's truly frightening.

I'm just trying to find some serenity, and some calm in it.

I know that, you know, with fear and anger, which is probably the same thing, really, they're all outward.

It's all depleting, you know.

When you invest in it, it's all, it's kind of not helpful.

And the opposite of that is love, compassion, and forgiveness.

And if you can convert into that, that's an inward thing.

That's a... that's a healing thing.

And I guess it's part of my evolution to get through this.

[Acupuncturist] Feel some warmth there, Andy?

Yeah, it feels great.

[Andy] Because I think that brings together the whole psychological, emotional, spiritual side of a person.

You know you shouldn't wait to get cancer before you start to think that way.

Hi, how are you?

Professor Gibson spoke to me on Tuesday afternoon.


He talked to me about your scan result and asked me to see you think about some radiotherapy.

-Have you seen the scan results? -Yeah.

So this is your head, your arm, and your spine.

-This is your bladder. -[Andy] Yeah.

[Vashti] So that's not the lymphoma?

No, the black part is uptick.

So it's normal for your brain, bladder.

So this is the lumbar lymphoma.

[Andy] Right.

[Vashti] Right, so the smaller black mass in the middle is the lymphoma.

-[Andy] Yeah. -[Vashti] Yeah.

How are you feeling in general?

I'm feeling a little better from not doing chemotherapy.

But there's pain, almost like sciatica, but not shooting.

And your legs are feeling strong?

You don't feel weak?

When I walk, when I walk for a while, I get the sensation that I need to just stop walking and crouch down.

[Angela] Because of?

Because I feel a slight, a building tension in there.

-In your back? -Mmm.

So giving you radiotherapy alone for lumbar lymphoma that hasn't responded to chemotherapy is not enough.

It won't be for long time cure.

They will assist you with another pet scan...

[somber music]


[Andy] The pain is just getting worse and worse.

[Vashti] We just have to battle through this.

Zap the fuck out of it.

Get his pain under control and we go somewhere and start treatment somewhere else.

And I don't believe it's in Andy's or my destiny for him to leave this life this early through lymphoma.

I don't believe that, at all.

It doesn't feel in my gut but that's how it is.

Just think of Jesse and Indi.

You've got to get through this.

You can do it.

Five minutes.

Count it down, yeah.

Try and breathe all the way down to your little shaky toes.

[Andy yelps]

You can do this, Andy.

[Andy yelps]

Breathe into your tummy, sweetheart.

[indistinct chattering]

You're doing a great job, nearly there.

Think about little Jesse Red in your head, see his face.

You can move now, gorgeous.

[woman] Alright, excellent job.

Who was that?

That was Kelly.

She snuck a kiss in.

[laughs] Couldn't help myself.

[slow music]

[Andy] I've been doing the radiation therapy for about a week and a half.

Do you see me smiling?

But, something's working because...

I've had remarkable, remarkable pain relief.

You know, I'm looking more normal now and feeling better everyday and my energy's coming back.

I'm back in the normal grind of life, which is nice.

You know, I'm ready for work and I've been wondering when I can get back to it.

We're at Fox Studios.

We both have an audition, my friend Jai here, for the same movie, for different characters.

Did I have to learn? I was supposed to learn the line, wasn't it?

You were supposed to learn the lines.

-I think I've got those. -You haven't.

I'll be alright. I'll get through it.

It's alright.

[man] Rolling.

But we all, all must hold fast in our belief that the Lord's light will burn eternal.

For the first time in a while, I'm not putting everything on hold and going, "Well, we can't be happy and we can't do stuff until this is over."

Because, really, the good stuff is what's going on right now.

Now we need daddy to eat lots while he's hungry.

Our highlight has been how much time my children got to spend with their grandparents and, you know, and how close they are.

[Rob] You shouldn't be wasting the water.

[Andy] So, amazing, amazing, they had that time together.

My mum was coming initially because I was getting a stem cell transplant and that's not going to happen now.

So, we were like, "Go home, get grounded.

This thing is going to go on for a little while.

So you know, let's all have a break."

I'm going to miss you.

Oh, Mum.


Take care.

-You know where I am. -I know.

It's hard.

We'll just carry on, you know?

[Pat] Of course.

Nothing's changed.

[Pat] No, no it hasn't.

It's just time for you to have a break.

-Bye, gorgeous. -Thanks, Dad.

[Vashti] Thanks for everything.

You've made this journey so much easier. I mean it.

Bye, Mum. I love you.

[Pat] I love you, too.

Thanks for everything.

[Pat] I haven't done anything.

No, you have, Mum.

I think, for them, it's very difficult to go because, you know, it's not over.

It's not resolved.

[Vashti] Say goodbye.

But as a family, we're much clearer now that we're going to have to try to live with lymphoma.

[soothing guitar music]

Fuck, it's another beautiful day.

I didn't leave the house for four days.

It was just too hard.

Radiation treatment finished about four weeks ago, and I was feeling amazing.

And then I had pain for, like, ten days.

I had a scan yesterday and so we should find out in the next hour how effective the radiation treatment was.

So I've lost a few kilos.

I'm 77 kilos now.

I got weighed yesterday for my scan.

What do you think she's going to say, Vashti?

The information is irrelevant.

What you have to do, whether it's in remission or not in remission is exactly the same.

You have to go on to heal and recover.

Come on, call.

[phone ringing]

Hi, Angela, can you hear me?

[Angela] Yes, it's dropping off a bit.


[Angela] Can you hear me?

-Yes. -We can hear you.

[Angela] How are you, Andy?

I'm good.

My pain's much better today, actually.

[Angela] Right, I heard you were in a bit of pain when you came in.

Yeah, just that lying flat, I can't really do.

[Angela] Yes, I've got your scan results here.

Do you want me to go through them with you?

-Yeah, yeah, do. -Yeah.

Our intention, today, Angela, is to get clearer, get a snapshot of where you guys think we're at and either draw a line in the sand there and kind of go off and deal with it ourselves

-and to hear what your thoughts are on, you know... -Sure.

...if there is any moving forward with you guys.

[Angela] Well, the PET scan is not good news at all.

The big lump inside his abdomen is still there where he had radiotherapy.

And, also, it looks like there's two new areas in the chest.


So it's not good news.

It's not a good picture at all.

So what does that mean?

Is that lymphoma?

That's lymphoma.


We are dealing with a very difficult lymphoma.

I think more radiotherapy is unlikely to change the picture.

[Vashti] Okay, Angela, thank you.

Okay, alright.

[Vashti] Okay, have a good day.


So how do you feel, honeybun?


How do I feel?

Now my cancer has spread?

I don't know.

I mean, that was the one thing I didn't want.

I thought, "If it's the same, then it's the same.

Nothing's got worse...

I'm in the same position.

I'll just go from here."

But, for it to have spread is really...


And they're saying I've got three to six months to live.

Three to six months.

[Vashti] But you know, you had that six months ago and you're still here.

I know, but at the time, I was having chemo and radio and stuff that was buying time.

But they're only words, honey.

You know, before when you were doing the show, when you were doing the Spartacus show, before the camera used to roll, you used to do this thing where, like, you know you'd be getting psyched up and you'd go [grunts].

Like I can't remember, you'd always do the same thing every time, like bit like a tennis player or whatever would do their thing.

Like you'd always do it.

And it's time to do that for this.

Whatever the... you're right.

I mean, it's hardly any different from yesterday, is it?

[Vashti] Well, it's no different.

In fact, it's not as bad as the day I was first diagnosed a year and a half ago, where I had stage four.


You've got to get through it.

You will get through it.

But you have got to roll your sleeves up.

They are a bunch of words.

If you believe them and put weight in them, they will become our reality.

Full stop.


It's never dull.


From my oncologist's point of view, there's no treatment for me.

And in that has come a sort of sense of...

I guess, liberation.

I feel like I'm excited to be in control of it and I think that's the main thing is control of it.

It's the thing I haven't had.

I felt powerless.

I felt in a system that... just grouped me with other people and gave me the same cocktail and hoped it would work and I feel it's got to be much more fine-tuned than that.

The main thing I'm looking for is inspiration and to be with like-minded people who have survived 10, 20, 30 40 years against the odds.

So, it's about being in this group over here where everything's possible.

I have to find another way to keep this lymphoma at bay or make it so it doesn't affect me.

It's up to me now.

I'm packing up the apartment because we're moving house on Friday.

What sparked that was that Andy can no longer do the stairs.

And we have Andy's mum here who arrived last Wednesday to see us, stay with us, see Andy, just be around.

And she's been amazing.

There's no smiling through it saying, "Everything's fine."

You know, she's really present.

And she gets where the situation is at.

It's massive.

That sofa could go in there.

Anyway, we'll work all that out later.

[Andy] I'm sort of juggling pain and insanity at the moment, and on top of that, my left leg started to get numb.

[Vashti] Are you going to be okay getting down, honey?

Yeah, I'm just trying to remember what they taught me so I don't fall down the stairs.

[Vashti] It's going to be a real adjustment.

And that's hard.

It's really hard.

You just go, "Will I ever get, you know, when will I get my husband back?"

[weakly] I don't know about that.

So, it's just adjusting to that and holding a space for that being possible and then seeing the breakdown, you know, quicken and accelerate and just going, "okay how do we stop that acceleration?"

So, I need to support him to do something to stop that acceleration.

But, I actually thought it's a really nice space to have kids playing around, and you know.

I just get a sense that something like cancer has a switch and... you can... reverse it if you find out where that switch is.

And I guess I'm in that stage of exploration of what or where that switch is.

But, damn, it would be good to go to New Zealand and have some acupuncture and get some tangible, you know, changes in my body.

So that's the plan.

The speed at which things are moving or have changed.

I guess it's brought another level of...

anxiety and I'm not really sure where Vashti is with this because she's doing an incredible job of just getting on with everything.

[Jesse] I'm really proud of you, daddy.

Oh, my darling.

I love you.

[Vashti] Big give cuddles to daddy bear.

[Jesse] I wish I could come with.

[Vashti] Well, you know what?

Another time.

We've got to look after the house, okay?

[Andy] I want to continue this life with seeing my children grow up.

But let's say I didn't make it.

I know Vashti would get through.

You know, she's bring up our kids and my kids would have an extraordinary life.

I'll be at the end of the phone, okay?

I love you.

[Andy] I love you too.

[Vashti] Bye, bye.

I don't regret, you know, the way I've approached it.

You know at the end of the day, life happens.

Don't try to deny that it's there.

Experience it.

Brave daddy bear.

Okay, let's get and get warm.

[Andy] I just think it's all a part of some amazing journey, you know?

I don't know if I would have ever looked at it that way had I not spent the last 12 years with Vashti.

When I said goodbye to Andy in the cab, I didn't think in less than a week, I was going to be going up to collect my husband who I felt had very, very short time left.

[woman over PA] Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to land.

Please fasten your seat belts.

When I got to New Zealand, it was quite shocking.

He was so in and out of...


And suddenly, he did this snap into focus, and he said, "I wanna go home."

Because somewhere in him, he knew it was time to go, and he wanted to go home.

But the whole journey I watched Andy because I wasn't sure he was gonna make it.

And in the morning, we took him to the hospice.

And when I started to see Andy fading, I brought the kids in and I said, "The kids have come to say goodbye now, darling."

And he said, "I'm going to go soon and I have to go up to heaven because my body's really broken."

And Indi went, "Why, daddy?"

And he said, "Because my body is broken like a butterfly.

When its wing is broken, it really can't fly anymore.

It has to go."

And he said, "But don't worry because I'm going to go up into the sky and every time you need to see me, I will be there.

Just look for me."

And that was how he said goodbye to the kids. [crying]

And I laid down next to him, and we just laid still and there was this moment where I said to him, "I need you to know how much I love you."

And he kind of just sounded, he made this funny noise.

He just made this, like, "I love you."

He sounded like Rocky after just winning his fight.

But, I, you know, I got it.

And it was amazing that he, out of nowhere, was able to do that, you know, just to honor.

I didn't need to hear it, I know it. I knew it.

He just took these big deep breaths and then he just died.

It was a very beautiful, peaceful moment.

And I felt like he went to suddenly being really strong again.

[soft violin music]

We opened our front door in Sydney and... it's got big black and white tiles, and literally, laid out perfectly in the center of the front door step is this exquisite big black and white butterfly and the kids are like, "Oh, my god, there's a butterfly.

Dad has come to visit us.

Look, it's just like dad, it's got a broken wing."

It was a really extraordinary experience just seeing how my children had created this really wonderful kind of symbol of their dad.

And so I see this little man have this happen to him, and this little girl and I know that it can only have them be more extraordinary and I believe that 100%.

[kids playful]

How high can they go?

And for me, I lost my best friend and I lost my husband of like 10 years, and my lover of 13 years, and it hurts like a fucker.

But the reality is that I got 13 years of the most extraordinary relationship and lived a crazy life and beautiful life.

I don't see how you can't turn something like this into something wonderful.

Because what else is there to do?

And he would be so proud because it has all been initiated by him.

Andy just came to join us.

The way that he chose to live and... his quiet ambition for making things happen in his life.

It's really inspired me to just be empowered and try things myself for the first time.

And it feels kind of exciting.

Hoo! Hoo!

Hello, little elves.

And, by the way, that's how he ran his life.

And he still died.

So, all this stuff about being powerful at manifestation and making the most of life doesn't mean you're going to get happily ever after.

But, that's the whole point.

It's like, you get what you get to make the most of it because it can be something extraordinary.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

But, for now, we're just going to focus on being here now, as cheesy as that sounds, and living more fully.

So really enjoying life and making the most of it.

♪ Look at the world a As it's turning ♪

♪ Look at the light as It shines down on me ♪

♪ Every star softly burning ♪

♪ Every atom of life in the sea ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful world ♪

♪ Can't we all live as one And in peace ♪

♪ Oh, it's such A beautiful world ♪

♪ And if you want it, You just have to believe ♪

♪ Open your eyes And you'll see ♪

♪ Look at the world As it's turning ♪

♪ Infinite life lived at Infinite speeds ♪

♪ Every smell, every sound, Every color ♪

♪ All that is you makes up all That is me ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful world ♪

♪ Can't we all live as one And in peace ♪

♪ Oh, it's such A beautiful world ♪

♪ And if you want it You just have to believe ♪

♪ Open your eyes And you'll see ♪

♪ Open your eyes And you'll see ♪

♪ It's such A beautiful world ♪

♪ Can't we all live as one And in peace ♪

♪ Oh, it's such A beautiful world ♪

♪ And if you want it, You just have to believe ♪

♪ Ohh, ohh ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful world ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful world ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful world ♪

♪ And if you want it, You just have to believe ♪

♪ Open your eyes And you'll see ♪

♪ Look at the world As it's turning ♪

♪ Look at the light as It shines down on me ♪