Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) Script

Uh huh huh huh...

This is cool. Uh huh huh...

Ow. Cut it out, butt-hole.

Whoa!

Aah!

Uh huh huh huh...

Uh, hey, baby. Uh huh.

I'm, like, pretty tall. Uh huh huh...

Damn it, cut it out. I'm trying to score.

Nah! Yah!

Look at you, you bung-holes.

Uh huh...

Hey, baby, how's it goin'?

Hey! No way, Beavis. I saw her first.

Damn it. I'm gonna kick your ass.

Damn it, Beavis. I saw her first. Get outta here.

Hey, Butt-head.

Butt-head! Wake up!

Uh... uh... Damn it, Beavis, I was about to score.

But check it out. It's gone.

Mm mm mm... Uh... What?

The TV! Mm mm mm... Uh... Oh, yeah.

Uh huh huh... Well, where is it?

I don't know. I just woke up and it was gone.

And look, the window's broken.

We'll get 100 bucks for this. Heh heh heh.

No... Hmm. Uh huh huh huh...

Uhh... Oh, no...

Ohh... Uhh...

Uh huh huh huh...

Ohh... Uhh...

Uh huh huh... Uhh...

I think I just figured something out, Beavis.

W-w-what? Mm mm, heh...

This sucks. Uh huh huh...

Yeah, it really sucks. Heh heh heh...

This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.

We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.

Yeah. Yeah!


A couple of mean guys with fire in their eyes

# Known by the names of Beavis and Butt-head!

Yeah

# They'll chew you up and spit you out, beyond a doubt

# It pays not to mess with Beavis and Butt-head!

You got it

# If you cross Beavis and Butt-head

# They will throw down and blow your ass away

# Y'know what I'm sayin'?

# Beavis and Butt-head!

# Beavis and Butt-head Huh huh huh...

# Ahh, yes


It's not in here.

What are we gonna do, Butt-head?

What if we never find it? Settle down, Beavis.

Wait a minute. I don't wanna go to school. We gotta find our TV.

Shut up, Beavis. I got an idea. Uh huh huh huh...

Let's just wheel this thing back to the house.

Uh huh... yeah.

Uh, hey, excuse me, boys. What's going on here?

Someone stole our TV.

We're just gonna use this one. Get outta the way.

I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school, mm-kay?

This could be a really positive experience for you guys.

There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.

He said anus. Uh huh huh huh...

Entertain us... anus. Oh, yeah.

Have you guys heard a word I've said?

Uh, yeah. Anus.

Yeah, yeah. Heh heh... Yeah, I heard it, too.

Look, guys, just take the TV back to the A/V room right now.

And try to be a little more open to life experiences, mm-kay?

What a dork.

Get it over here...

Ow. No!

Aah! That was cool.

No, it wasn't. Uh... oh, yeah.

Uh, what's going on out here?

Oh, no!

Uh, that belongs to the school.

It's supposed to be in the A/V room.

Wasn't our fault. Get back here!

Beavis and Butt-head, you're both expelled!

Cool.

Whoa, check it out, Beavis. I didn't know Anderson had a camper.

Yeah. Maybe it has a TV.

Oh, hello. Are you boys here to look at the refrigerator?

Uhh, no.

We're here to look at the TV.

Tom didn't tell me it was broken. Go on in.

Cool. Heh heh heh.

Well, that ought to hold her.

You know, the most important thing you can have on a camper is a good butane regulator, and this here's the best one they make.

I hope we can fix that fridge.

Marcy, we've been plannin' for this trip our whole lives...

And we're gonna go... Da-da-da...

What in the hell is that?

Dah... dah... da-da-dah Ah, must be them damn buzzard hawks.

Let's get something to drink.

Ahh.

Aah! This crap is warm.

Beavis, you butt-hole, you broke it.

Aah, no, no, damn it!

Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?

They're here to fix the TV. What? The TV ain't broken.

Uh... yeah, it is.

Yeah. Heh... heh heh...

Hey, wait a minute.

You two look kind of familiar.

Ain't you them kids that have been whackin' off in my tool shed?

Uh huh huh...

We still don't have a TV, Butt-head.

I know, Beavis.

And damn it, I can't sleep without a TV.

Dumb-ass.

H-help. Help me.

No... no...

What's your problem, Beavis?

Uhh... I need TV.

I need TV now! Damn it!

Whoa. TV.

Yeah, yeah. TV. Heh heh.

TV! Yeah.

Unh... unh... damn it.

Uhh... no.

Damn it!

You sure these guys can pull this off, Earl?

It's gotta look like an accident.

Ohh! Oh, yeah.

Ohh...

Uh huh huh...

Ohh...

Beavis and Butt-head, y-you little bastards!

Can we watch your TV?

No! Y-you're expelled. Now, get outta here!

Wait a minute. Damn it! I need a TV now.

We're missing everything.

Yeah, hold on a minute. That must be them now.

Yeah, I'll call you back. Come in!

Ahh...

TV. Yeah.

You're late.

Really? Did we miss Baywatch?

Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez...

As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?

Uh, Butt-head. Uh huh...

Oh, I mean, Beavis. Heh heh heh...

That's OK. I'd rather not know your names, anyway. Mine's Muddy.

I'm gonna get right to the point.

I'll pay you ten grand plus expenses, payable after you do her.

Uhh... do her?

That's right - do her.

I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife.

We got a deal?

Um, actually, we just want to watch TV.

Shut up, Beavis.

Uhh... yeah, we'll do your wife.

N-no! I wanna watch TV.

Aah!

Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch.

This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us.

We can buy a new TV.

Heh heh. Really? Heh heh. Cool.

Uhh, huh huh... we'll do it, sir.

Well, all right, then. Let's get down to business.

Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas.

She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me.

Watch out. She'll do you faster than you do her.

Whoa. Uh huh... cool.

Heh heh. Yeah.

She's in her room in Vegas. I got you one next to hers.

Your flight leaves in an hour. I'll drive you to the airport.

Holed up.

Uh huh huh...

Hole.

Can we watch some TV first?

No.

Now, listen to me. This is real important.

My wife's got this leather satchel.

A black bag, this big. I need it back, boys.

Sentimental value, you know what I mean?

Any questions so far?

Uhh, does she have big hooters?

Heh heh. Yeah, she sure does.

Uh huh... this is gonna be cool.

Y-y-yeah. Boi-yoi-yoi-ing.

Heh heh heh...

You guys are funny.

Let's have a drink on it, huh?

Now, don't let me down.

We're gonna get paid to score.

Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV... with 2 remotes.

Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.

Yeah.

Here you are.

Hey, Beavis, she touched my butt.

Hello there.

Are you two headin' for Las Vegas?

Yeah. We're gonna score.

Oh. Well, I hope to score big there myself.

I'm mostly gonna be doin' the slots.

Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too.

Do they have lots of sluts in Vegas?

There's so many slots you won't know where to begin.

Whoa. Hey, Butt-head, this chick is pretty cool.

She says there's tons of sluts in Vegas.

Cool. Uh huh...

It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.

I'm gonna have money and a big-screen TV, and there's gonna be sluts everywhere.

It's gonna rule. Oh, that's nice.

'Look to the front of the cabin for safety instructions.'

'To fasten your seat belt, 'insert the free end into the coupling... '

"Insert." Uh huh huh...

Uhh... hmm.

Damn it!

Uhh...

Hi. Can I help you with that?

There. All set. I love you. Uh huh...

Hey, cut it out. I want HER to do it.

Uh huh... come to Butt-head.

'Flight attendants, prepare for take-off.'

Nn! Damn it.

Hey, wait a minute. What's going on?

Aah! We're gonna die!

Aah! We're all gonna die!

Come to Butt-heaaaah...

Uhh, could you, like, do that thing with my belt again?

Yeah. This is her.

Oh, she looks lovely.

I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, uh... you know, heh heh, get down.

I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son.

I have this ringin' in my ears.

My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.

Heh. Really? I poop too much.

Ooh.

Maybe you're lactose-intolerant.

No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.

Tired? Oh, well, I know all about tired, dear.

I have just the thing for ya.

Take a couple of these. They perk me right up.

Thanks.

Tastes like crap. What else ya got?

Oh, go right ahead. Help yourself.

So, uhh, huh huh... goin' to Las Vegas?

Yi-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai...

Hi. We're serving dinner now.

Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.

Piccata! Titicaca! Does the gumbo have corn?

I am Cornholio. I need piccata for my bung-hole.

You'll have to wait.

Are you threatening me? My bung-hole will not wait.

Heh heh. Bungholio.

Uhh, hey, I got a beer.

Want some? Uh huh...

I am Cornholio!

Aah! Aah!

Aah...

Get outta the cockpit!

Uh huh. You said... Now!

'Welcome to Las Vegas.'

Uhh...

This is Las Vegas?

Yeah. I thought there'd be casinos and lights and stuff.

This isn't very good.

Hey, Butt-head, why is that guy holding a sign?

Uhh... maybe he's blind.

Uh huh. Check this out.

Ahem. Excuse me. Heh heh.

You guys know where I can find these guys?

Oh.

Uhh, Be-a... Be-ave?

Um, Buh... Boo...

Boot? Someone named Boot?

This says Beavis.

And Boot-head.

Uhh... that's Butt-head. Don't you get it, Beavis?

These dudes have the same name as us.

Whoa, really? We should party.

This way, sirs.

Where are those guys?

Where the hell is he?

You sure this is the right place?

You Muddy?

What are you, cops?

No. Earl sent us, you know, to take care of your wife.

What? Take care...

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Who were the other two clowns? Huh?

God damn it! She did it again!

I'm going to Vegas to kill all three of them!

I noticed your TV was broken. Wanna buy a new one?

Just leave it. Worthless piece of crap.

Really, man. We gotta start stealin' from rich people.

Love Rollercoaster

# You give me that funny feeling in my stomach

# Ah, shake it, yeah! That's right!

# Roller coaster

# Of love

# Roller coaster

# Hoo-ooh, ooh, ooh

# Roller coaster

# Of love

# Roller coaster

# Hoo-ooh, ooh, ooh

# Your love is like

# A roller coaster, baby, baby

# I wanna ride

# Your love is like

# A roller coaster, baby, baby

# I wanna ride

#

# Roller coaster

# Of love

# Roller coaster, oh, yeah

# Goin' round that curve

# Roller coaster

# Of love

# Roller coaster

# Gonna get down, my roll-roller coaster

# Your love is like

# A roller coaster, baby, baby

# I wanna ride

# Your love is like

# A roller coaster, baby, baby

# I wanna ride

# Your love is like

# A roller coaster, baby, baby

# I wanna ride

# Your love is like

# A roller coaster, baby, baby

# I wanna ride

# Your love is like

# A roller coaster, baby, baby

# I wanna ride... #

I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen.

We didn't realise you were registered guests.

If there's anything we can do to...

Mm! Damn it!

This thing is stuck.

Uh, sir, it's attached to the...

You dumb-ass. Let me try. Uh huh huh.

Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.

Ahem.

Uhh... could you, like, not stand there and stuff?

Some people are dumb. Yeah, really.

Uhh... check it out, Beavis.

I wonder where this goes.

Uhh... huh huh. Whoa. I think I hear a chick.

Really? Cool! Neat!

Ow!

All right, who are you? CIA, FBI, ATF?

Hey, Butt-head, it's her!

Whoa! Yeah!

Uh... huh huh huh, hey, baby...

Are we, like, gonna do it?

You got 2 seconds.

Uhh... huh huh...

Is that gonna be enough time?

Who sent you? Uh, this drunk dude.

He said he was gonna pay us to do you.

Muddy... Son of a bitch.

Hold it. What's he paying you?

Uhh... 10, uhh...

10 grand? That cheap ass.

I got a better deal. I'll double it.

I'll pay you 20 to go back and do him.

Uh, you want us to do a guy? No way.

I don't know, Butt-head. That is a lot of money.

We could close our eyes and pretend he's a chick... Aah!

Damn.

You two wait right there.

Uh... huh huh huh. I'm ready for love.

Yeah! I don't believe this.

Hmm.

Yeah, Las Vegas.

Give me the number for Dream America tours.

Right.

Uh huh huh. Uh huh huh.

Yeah. You got a bus leaving today? Where's it going?

Washington DC.

5 minutes? Perfect. Give me 2 tickets.

No way, Butt-head. You're always first.

Damn it, Beavis, we've never done this before.

Oh, uhh... huh huh...

Wanna... you know... Uh huh huh...

Do it? Heh heh. Hey, we're finally gonna score!

Do it?

Ow!

You guys wanna... score? Oh, ho ho.

Damn it!

Ow! Cut it out!

You wait here.

Bunghole! Damn it! Ow! Aah!

Aah!

Uh... huh huh huh.

Aah! Uh... huh huh huh.

No!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ahem! Aah!

Don't wear yourselves out, boys. Save some energy for me.

Uh huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.

This is it, Beavis. We're finally gonna score.

Heh heh... Thank God.

Yeah. We're gonna do it, all right.

Uh, huh... Uh, huh... Oh, yeah! Eh, heh...

Ahem!

Boys... boys...

Boys!

First, you have to do a little job for me. Would you like to?

Here's what it is.

I want you to take the bus to Washington. That's all.

And when you get there, I'll be waiting.

You're gonna make a whole lot of money, and I'm gonna give you everything.

Uh huh huh... Hm, heh heh...

Until then, keep your pants on.

Now, your bus is downstairs waiting, so get going.

Uh huh huh... Hm, heh heh...

Let's go!

On three!

This is gonna be cool.

Can't wait. Heh heh.

Ow.

Get outta there, Beavis. I want the window.

Why don't ya take turns?

Look, Butt-head. It's that slut from the plane.

Oh, why, it's you two.

How d'you do in Las Vegas?

Um, we didn't score yet.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Me, I took a beatin'!

Cool.

So that's why I'm bussin' it across America.

I'm so glad you're here.

Jim, Jim! I want you to meet two nice boys.

Uh... oh...

This is Travis and Bob. What's your last name, dear?

Uhh, Head.

My first name's Butt. Uh huh huh.

Agent Flemming, ATF.

Are you gonna tell us where it is, or shall Agent Hurly give you another cavity search?

Is that a promise?

Look, Mrs Scum, we know who you are. Tell her, Bork.

Dallas Grimes, married to Muddy Grimes.

You run a mom-and-pop arms smuggling ring.

Mmm. You got my bad side. Three days ago, you pulled a job at the Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada, where you stole the X-5 unit.

We know you had it when you checked in, so tell us where it is?

You gonna charge me?

I didn't think so.

You wanna let me go, or wait till I file a wrongful arrest?

We got nothing. We can only hold her another couple of hours.

Damn it! Cut her loose. Where's that damn unit?

Uh huh huh huh. We're in Washington.

Yeah, yeah. We're gonna score now.

Actually, son, we're at the Hoover Dam.

Um, no, no. We're in Washington!

Yeah. We're gonna score now!

Over 40,000 tons of concrete were used to build the Hoover Dam.

From top to bottom, the dam is 51 stories.

It has a maximum capacity for generating...

Wow. Really? 2.074 Megawatts of electricity, but on average, it generates about 25% of that.

I'll be damned.

Does anybody know how much energy it takes to power Vegas?

Um, yeah, I just have a question.

Is this a God dam?

Uh huh huh.

You know, God damn. You know?

If you'll follow me this way.

This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.

Yeah. Enough of this crap.

Whoa. Check it out, Butt-head. TV!

Cool.

I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?

All right.

Talk to me, Bork.

A witness saw two teenagers leaving Dallas's room shortly before we arrived.

Did he get a full cavity search?

Uh... the witness?

You can never be too careful, Bork.

I didn't think it was necessary. We have a picture from the elevator.

Here. Have a look.

What the hell?

They look like a couple of kids, Chief.

Don't you know what kids are capable of?

Don't you read the papers?

What the...

Damn it!

All they have is these shows about water.

Yeah, really. They need some shows about fire.

Uhh, what are you doing, Beavis? Something's wrong with my butt.

Your butt sucks.

Hey, how come there's no sound?

Uhh... I'll fix it.

Uhh...

Yeah, yeah! There you go. Louder! Louder!

Uh, huh... Hmm... Huh huh...

Mas... ter... a...

Masturbation? Uh huh huh huh!

You know, I'll tell you what. It doesn't get any better than this.

This here is God's country. Unspoiled and...

Aaaaah!

Uhh...

I think I found the remote.

What the hell's going on?

I swear, that's all I know.

They got on a tour bus heading west.

Uhh! Please...

I'm gonna kill 'em!

That was boring.

Yeah, yeah. Just the same thing, over and over again.

Uhh, wait a minute.

We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.

Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob.

This is the Hoover Dam.

Dam. I'll be damned. Heh heh.

You boys better show up.

See that, Bork? I don't get it.

You got half the state after you. How do you get away?

Cut the power!

Damn right. We're dealing with pros here.

My opinion - terrorists. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?

Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape.

The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon.

A man-made virus, the deadliest known to man.

It could wipe out five states in five days.

Here's what happened when it was tested on army recruits.

Look at these guys, Chief.

This thing is a veritable Doomsday device.

Jesus jumped-up Christ! If it falls into the wrong hands...

It gets worse.

The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing.

If hit hard, it could open, releasing the virus.

As of now, these are the most dangerous men in America.

I want these faces in front of every Fed and sheriff within 1,000 miles.

The orders are dead or alive.

Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.

Ow! Ow!

Cut it out!

Get outta the way. I wanna sit by the window.

OK, people, next stop: Grand Canyon.

Gone Shootin'

Uh huh huh huh... Hm hm, heh heh heh...

Like, it's coming out of his ass, but it's, like, also coming out of the ass of the ass.

It's like the poop'scoming out of the ass of the ass.

Heh heh. Yeah!

# Feel the pressure rise

# Hear the whistle blow

# Bought a ticket of her own accord

# To I dunno

# Packed her heart in a travellin' bag

# Never said bye-bye

# Somethin' missin' in the neighbourhood

# Of her cryin' eyes

# I stirred my coffee with the same spoon

# Knew her favourite tune

# Gone shootin' #

There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park.

Old Faithful here is one of the largest.

During an eruption, the water can reach as high as 200 feet.

So? Hm hm, heh heh.

Uh, the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons of water in a single eruption.

That's not that much.

Yeah, really. Let's get outta here.

If you'll just step over here, the geyser is seconds away...

Ooh, it's incredible.

Oh, oh, yeah. That's amazing.

It's incredible.

That's amazing.

Uh huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.

Uh huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.

Can't wait forever.

Damn kids. No respect.

Don't appreciate anything.

Oh, my God!

Wait! Stop!

Darn it.

Get me the police.

Uh huh. Hm, heh.

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

We got 'em. They're on a bus on Highway 89.

Ah... heh... yeah, that was great.

Yeah.

Uhh... is this the right bus?

Um... heh heh.

Uh huh huh huh.

Hey, Beavis, we're on a bus with chicks.

Hey, baby.

They're not on the bus. These people know something.

I want full cavity searches.

Everyone. Go deep on 'em. Agent Hurly.

I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart, damn smart.

They're probably a hundred miles away by now.

Uh huh huh.

Butt-head, this book kicks ass.

There's a talking snake, and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.

Cool.

Uhh... uhh...

Ow!


Uh huh huh. Hm, heh heh.

Check it out, Butt-head - porta-potties.

Cool. I gotta take a dump.

Uh huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.

Uhh... where's the toilet?

Forgive me, Father. I've sinned.

I slept with a woman, and, uh...

Really? Uh huh huh. Was she naked?

Well, yes, Father. Please forgive me.

Cool! Uh huh huh.

Could you, like, see her boobs? Uh huh huh huh.

Uh, I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?

A thousand! Heh...

And I want you to hit yourself! Right now!

Uh, now? Yeah... do it!

Yeah! Harder! Do it again!

Oww! Aah!

Uh huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.

Heh... hm hm.

'Welcome to the petrified forest, 'the world's largest site of petrified wood.'

Uh huh huh. Hm, heh heh.

"Wood." Uh huh huh!

'You may wonder, "how can wood get so hard?"'

Uh huh huh. Hm, heh heh.

'The wood became hard over 2 million years ago.'

Uh huh huh huh.

Hm hm, heh heh.

Uh huh huh. Heh heh.

Uh huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.

"Wood." Uh huh huh...

Hey, where'd those chicks go?

I think you scared them off.

This sucks. What are we doing here?

Uhh... I don't know.

Uhh, do you know where Washington is?

Uh, yeah. About 2,000 miles that way.

Cool. Thanks.

Didn't see which way they went or their vehicle.

I don't suppose you tried to stop them.

The most dangerous guys in America? No, thanks. I make $9 an hour.

National security is the responsibility of every American.

Bork... Cavity search?

Deep and hard. Agent Hurly.

They're not getting away.

I want roadblocks - every road out of here for 200 miles.

Um... this sucks. It's all hot and stuff.

This desert is stupid.

They need to put a drinking fountain out here.

Yeah, like, a 7-Eleven or something. Heh.

Somethin' wrong, Officer?

We're looking for these fugitives.

Well, I'll be danged.

That's them kids that have been whackin' in my camper.

You saw them? Sure.

Boy, I never seen two kids do so much damned whackin'.

Blue Den, this is post 9. I have positive ID.

They're like two spider monkeys...

Step out of the vehicle, please.

Wait a minute. Me and the missus are on our way to Washington...

Now!

Now, wait right there.

You're dealing with a veteran of two foreign wars.

They're the ones been whackin'.

I find anything broken, you and I'll tangle.

Masturbating in the man's camper.

We're dealing with two sick individuals.

I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around.

Something tells me he could be involved.

What in the... Wait just a minute!

Chief, 2 days ago, Express Airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself "Cornholio".

Guess who matches the description?

Finally, a real break.

Get me the departure point. We'll kick ass.

Uh huh huh. Nuhn.

Uh huh huh... Hm hm, heh.

Uhh...

Uhh huh... hey! One of you bastards got a match?

Uhh, yeah. My butt and your... uhh... butt. Uh huh huh.

Uh huh huh. Uh huh.

Uh huh huh. Hm, heh heh.

Hm hm, heh heh. Uh huh huh huh.

Here's a song that might help you cope with those feelings, mm-kay?

It's called Lesbian Seagull.

# She flies so gracefully

# Over rocks, trees and sand

# Soaring over cliffs

# And gently floating down to land

# She proudly lifts her voice

# To sound the mating call

# And soon her mate responds

# By singing, "caw"

# "Caw, caw"

# Come with me

# Lesbian seagull

# Settle down and rest with me

# Fly high

# Lesbian seagull... #

Uh, that's him! He's their teacher!

Uh, huh, yeah.

Uh, what's going on here?

I'll ask the questions.

Are these your students?

I assume you're a government agent.

I would think you would know there is something in this country called due process, mm-kay?

That's the talk I'd expect from the guy who taught these two.

Take this scum away.

I believe I'm supposed to be read my Miranda rights.

Now... Whaa!

I always knew they were no good.

Uh, I hate...

Shut up! You've been harbouring two criminal masterminds.

Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whackin' off in?

Bork, you are a federal agent.

You represent the United States Government.

Never end a sentence with a preposition.

Oh. Uh...

You know that guy in whose camper they...

I mean that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?

That's better. Yes?

We've run a sample through the criminal sperm bank and found two possible genetic matches for a father.

Former Mötley Crüe roadies turned drifters.

You were a roadie for Mötley Crüe? Yep. Uh huh huh huh.

Aha... fire.

Uh, here's another true story.

About 15 years ago, we stopped in this toilet... uhh, called Highland.

Really? That's where we're from.

Then you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, here's the story.

I scored with these two chicks. True story.

Heh heh heh. Yeah. Me, too.

You scored with two chicks?

Yeah. They were sluts.

Aah! Shut up, dumb-ass!

You didn't score. I scored with both of 'em.

Uh, do you think these two sluts still live in Highland?

That would be cool.

Hey, you want to see something really cool?

Uh huh huh huh.

Fire!

Ahh...

Uhh...

Hmm. Where'd those guys go? Yeah.

Um...

Are we almost there yet?

Uhh... probably, like, another five minutes or something.

The sun sucks. Yeah.

Cut it out, butt-hole!

Hey, Butt-head.

Isn't there supposed to be, like, water in cactuses?

Uhh...

Hey, Beavis... check it out.

Uh huh huh. Heh heh heh.

Well, no, I can't say that I've seen them, Officer.

I hope it's safe to drive here. Stick to the main roads.

They're probably hiding out in the desert.

Well, that's good to know, Officer.

Yeah.

Oh...

Hey, Butt-head, are we gonna die?

Uhh... uhh... probably.

Whoa!

I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes.

Whoa...

My life was cool.

Mm mm, oh, yeah...

Wait a minute.

I think I'm seeing something, too.

It's, like, a really long time ago.

Heh heh heh.

Yeah. This is gonna be cool.

Hey, how's it going?

Aah!

Mm mm, heh heh.

Yeah. I scored.

Hey, Butt-head, I'm starting to feel weird.

I think I'm freaking out.

Uh... OK.

Whoa, this is cool.

It's like, it's like everything looks all weird...

There're all these weird shapes...

And it's sort of like... it's like a music video.

What are you doing, Butt-head? Stop it!

You're freaking me out! Cut it out!

What's going on?

Ratfinks, Suicide Tanks And Cannibal Girls

There's a problem here.

Ohh!

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Oh, yes!


Aah! Aah! I'm all wet!

Uhh... Oh, hey, cool.

Yeah. Water.

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.

Any last words before I kill you?

Uhh...

I have a couple.

Butt cheeks.

Yeah, yeah! And, um, and boobs.

I just wanna say that again. Boobs.

I'm gonna blow you both to hell!

Cool. Whoa.

Beavis, that's that dude that's paying us to do his wife.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Um, can you just take us to Washington?

We're gonna meet her there and, you know...

Washington? That's where she's gonna meet up with you?

You know, I just might need you boys after all.

Get in the trunk. Both of you. Now!

Boy, it sure is hard to score.

Yeah, really.

Hey, hey, Butt-head, check it out. Ajack.

Uh huh huh. Heh heh heh.

Walk on Water

# I met a magic man

# Who had a daughter

# She learned her lessons well

# But still I taught her...

Jack.

# As lambs to slaughter

# We shared forbidden fruit

# And things I brought her

# You may say I'm a miracle man... #

Hey, Beavis, check it out.

I'm jacking off.

Uh huh huh. Heh heh heh.

Yeah.

Uh huh huh. Heh heh heh.

Let's get out of here.

You go first, Beavis.

I don't know, Butt-head. The road's moving pretty fast.

Come on, Beavis. Start running really fast when you hit the ground.

It'll work. No way. You go.

Don't be a wuss, Beavis.

Aah!

Uh huh huh.

That was cool.

Unh! Unh! Unh!

Boy, what I wouldn't give for five minutes alone with them two little bastards.

Aah!

I need a trauma box over here right now!

The news here is not good.

Authorities call this the worst highway disaster in history.

'Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay wrecked or stuck.'

Chief, look!

'No one knows what caused it... '

Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.

Where did these guys come from?

The question is where are they going?

'ln other news, G-PAC begins at 2 pm tomorrow, 'when representatives from around the world... '

What the hell?

Bork! That bus we picked up, where was it heading?

Uh, DC, Chief.

Jesus jumped-up...

Bork, can you imagine what would happen if they set that thing off in the capital?

If they sold it to someone at that conference? It's not gonna happen!

Whoa!

This kicks ass. Yeah.

Yoo-hoo! Travis and Bob Head!

Hellooo!

Butt-head, it's that chick. Uh, oh, yeah. Cool.

Maybe they'll take us to Washington, and we can finally score.

Yeah.

Um, isn't Seattle in Washington?

Uh, yep. It sure is.

Cool. I was thinking after we score, maybe we could go see Hole.

Hole.


Hmm.

Expecting somebody?

Well, well, look at this.

The love of my life.

Where have you been?

Honey, I was gonna split it after I sold it.

Down the middle, I swear...

Now you don't have to go to all that bother.

Come on, Muddy, how about we just forget about it and get a room like old times?

I don't think so. Where is it?

All senators are requested for a vote.

Can I help you? Uh...

We're looking for Washington?

We're gonna meet this chick with really big hooters.

Sirs, you are in Washington.

Really? Well, where is she?

Uh, could you make an announcement that we're ready to score?

No.

Just a moment.

Hello? How may I help you?

'Uh... attention.

'Attention. We're looking for the chick with big boobs.'

'Yeah! Yeah! '

'We are ready to do you now.'

'Uh huh huh huh.'

Uh huh huh huh.

You forget who you're dealing with, honey.

I got your mules right here in my trunk, and...

Hey! Oh, damn! Damn!

I am gonna kill them!

No, honey...

We'regonna kill them.

Next stop, White House.

Hey! What's going on? Why are we back on the bus?

It's time to go, son.

We can't leave!

We never met that chick! Damn it! We were supposed to get some!

Settle down, Beavis.

No! I won't settle down!

Not this time!

Damn it! This always happens!

I think I'm gonna score, then never score! It's not fair!

We travelled, um, um... 100 miles 'cause we thought we'd score!

It's not gonna happen! Damn it!

Buddy, sit down! Shut up, asswipe!

I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score!

It's not gonna happen! We'll get old like these people!

But they've probably scored! Hey! Sit down!

It's, like, this chick's a slut!

And this guy's old, but he's scored a million times!

Oh, yeah.

But not us! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!

Right! That's it, numb-nuts!

Aah!

Once more and I'll... Unh!

Kick your ass!

Well, look what we have here. You two make me sick.

Book 'em, Bork.

You don't have anything on us.

Oh, I don't? How about lewd conduct?

Maybe indecent exposure. Here's what's gonna happen.

One of you is gonna get me the unit. The other gets 60 years in jail.

That's where you're wrong, boy.

We're back together, and you'll never...

He stole the unit! Said he put it in some kid's pants.

Why you damn little four-legged...

Hey! Take it easy!

I'm gonna rip your...

Now, Travis, it doesn't do a body good to get all worked up.

Here, this should help you relax.

Does that say "Xanax"?

Um, yeah.

Probably. I don't know.

What else you got in there? Gimme that thing!

Waah!

Our suspects are on a tour bus heading for... the White House?

Jumping Jesus!

I want everyone there! Our people. Locals.

Orders are shoot to kill.

Ngaah!

Yeah, yeah, heh heh, you know what's really cool?

Butt-head. Butt-head.

Shut up, Beavis. Yeah. Ooh. Eeh.

Hey, Butt-head! Hey, Butt-head!

...l'll be your tour guide.

If you don't know, today's a very special day.

Gathered at the White House today for an historic global conference called

"Give Peace A Chance" or "G-PAC" are representatives from around the world.

Ngaaahh!

This is the East Room.

Many of these portraits were saved from the fire set by the British in 1814... Fire! Fire!

What's your problem, Beavis?

Weeahh!

The site for the White House was chosen by President Washington and Pierre L'Enfant.

L'enfentata!

L'enfentata titicaca for my bunghole!

Bunghole! Sir?

Sir, are you OK?

Are you threatening me?

I am Cornholio!

OK... uh... sir, maybe you should wait out in the lobby?

Um, OK.

In this lobby, will there be TP? For my bunghole?

Cornholio... heh, heh. The room was originally...

Boy, where are you when we need you, lke?

You know, honey, even with all we've been through, it don't change a thing.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

This is the greatest country on Earth, and...

Say, that looks kind of like... naw, it couldn't be.

Bungholio!

Are you threatening me? I am Cornholio!

Yes, the President does plan to speak today at the G-PAC conference.

Mr Secretary! Mr Secretary!

What about the rumours that a biological weapon has been stolen and smuggled out of the country during this conference?

Those rumours are entirely unfounded.

Those rumours are totally unfounded.

I am the great Cornholio!

I am a gringo!

I have no bunghole.

Bungholio. Bungholio!

This is the State dining room, where the most powerful world leaders are entertained.

Hey! Uh, where's the TV?

There are no TVs in the dining room.

This house sucks.

Please follow me.

Evacuation?

It's probably just another bomb threat or something.

OK.

Is this the lobby?

I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole!

Yes, Mr President.

'I am Cornholio!

'My bunghole, it goes rattatataa... '

Mr President?

Mr President, I can't understand you.

Bwah! Bwah! Bwah! Ngaaah!

Sir, the President sounds strange. I don't think it's a drill.

Washington may be under attack. Go to DEFCON 4.

Step on it! Step on it! Move!

Uh huh huh huh...

Uh huh huh huh...

Uh huh huh...

Move it along, folks. Move it along.

Whoa! Hey, baby.

I noticed you have braces. I have braces, too.

Whoa!

Uh huh huh huh. That was cool.

Whoa!

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

All right, where's the unit? Uhh...

My unit? Uh huh huh.

In my pants.

Uh... uh...

Not on him, Chief.

Agent Hurly, I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search.

I'm talking roto-rooter.

Don't stop till you reach the back of his teeth.

Yeah. Uh huh huh huh.

Sir, we await your orders. Surrender your TP!

Give me that!

Mr President, in the name of all that's holy, I need those launch codes.

I am Cornholio! You will cooperate with my bunghole.

For there is but one bunghole.

The almighty bunghole.

He's clean, Chief.

Uh... huh huh huh...

Did I just score?

The other guy has it. He's got to be here somewhere.

"Cornholio?"

"Cornholio."

Bung-ho!

Est-ce que vouz savez ce que c'est un "bung-hole?"

Huh?

Fire. Bungholio.

Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience, gentlemen, but we'll have to wait outside for a moment.

Follow me, please?

"TP for my bunghole?"

Yeah! Yeah! TP for my bunghole.

Let these conference gentlemen through, please.

It's OK. He's with them.

You cannot run from your own bunghole.

Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.

Aha.

Uh heh heh heh. Oh, yeah.

Ohh.

# Mucha muchacha Ahh.

# Mucha muchacha Oh-ho-ho.

Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi-ing!

# Mucha muchacha, Mucha muchacha #

Boy, it really makes you proud.

I could stay in here all day.

Sir, I have to ask you to leave. Now!

That's enough. I been plannin' this trip my whole life...

What do you think you're?

Something about a corn hole...

We haven't seen the Lincoln Room. Let go of me!

Uh, say, Chief... isn't that the guy whose camper they were whackin'...

I mean, off in whose whackin' camper...

Not now, Bork.

Honey, this country's going to hell in a hand-basket.

I'm going to go and talk to my congressman about this.

Aah! Ooh. Mmm. Ah!

What the hell?

Wait here a minute.

Oh! No! Ohh, no!

What in the hell is that damn noise?

I... Huh? Aah! What?!

Hey. How's it going?

Pull your damn pants up, boy!

I don't want to see that!

Get out of here!

If I ever catch you whackin' in here again, I'll hog-tie you!

Aw, damn it! Now I gotta straighten up in here.

We just cleared all four floors. No sign of him.

Where the hell is he?

Say, Chief, isn't that the camper...

Bork, not now.

Chief, look.

Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.

Attention, all units. We've got him.

He's on Pennsylvania Avenue.

I am Cornholio! I will lay waste to your bunghole!

Bungholio. Holio-bungholio.

Hit the deck! Get down!

Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole...

OK, nobody shoot. He could still have the unit on him.

Keep your distance. We don't want to risk hitting it.

Where are his pants? Who knows?

Bunghole.

Bunghole? Bungholio. This is Agent Flemming, ATF.

We won't hurt you. We just want the unit.

Tell us where it is.

Do you have TP?

TP for my bunghole?

We'll get you whatever you want.

We might need that other kid.

Do you have any holio?

Uh, yeah, this is Bork.

Listen, we need some TP.

And some... what did he say?

Whoa. Uh huh huh huh.

This rules.

Can I have a gun, too?

You must bow down to the almighty bunghole!

This is cool.

Garga-holio-ala-hole...

This is your last chance. Give us the unit now.

Why does everybody want to see my schlong?

Uh, bunghole.

Mmm-bungholio-o-o-o-o. He's jerking us off.

We're gonna have to take him out. Get ready to fire on my orders.

I am the one and only almighty one and only bungholio!

This is your last chance. I'll give you three seconds.

I have no bungholio!

Fire on the count of three. One...

Would you like to see my bunghole?

I will show you my bungho-o-o-ole! Two...

I have no bungho-o-le!

Uh huh huh huh.

What's going on?

What is this? Three!

Take your damn pants with you!

Hold your fire! What in hell?

The pants! He's got the unit!

Drop the pants. Now!

Wait a minute. I ain't the one... who...

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Uh huh. Uh huh huh.

Whoa. Oh.

Uh... here you go. Uh huh huh huh.

Wait just a minute, mister.

Sir, take a look at this.

How do you explain this?

What are you talking about?

So, using two innocent teenagers as pawns in your sick game, huh?

I already told you I don't know what this is about.

Take him away. Hey! Get your damn hands off me!

God damn it! Hey!

Aah! Ow!

Damn it!

You don't know who you're dealing with!

I'm a veteran of two foreign wars!

I ain't the one that...

I always thought there was something wrong with him.

Yeah. Uh huh huh huh.

He had a lot of problems. Yeah, yeah.

And he used to hit me. Yeah. Uh heh heh.

Uh, hey... does anyone wanna see MYunit?

I admit it. I figured you wrong.

I thought you were scum, but you saved more lives than you'll ever know.

You led us to one of the sickest criminals in history.

This country owes you a debt.

Uh, does that mean we're gonna get, like, money and stuff?

And, um, and chicks. We were supposed to score.

For security reasons, your actions will have to remain top secret.

But someone very special wants to give his thanks.

Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans, I extend my deepest thanks.

You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans, who will grow into the leaders of this great country.

Uh huh huh huh. He said "extend".

Oh, yeah.

In recognition for your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms.

Whoa!

Alcohol and tobacco?

Yeah.

And firearms! Yeah. Cool, huh?

Cigarettes and beer kick ass.

Yeah! Yeah!

We're in the Bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes.

And maybe some chicks, too.

This is gonna be cool.

Uh huh huh huh. Heh heh heh heh.

You know what sucks? We never scored, or got any money.

Yeah. Really.

Um...

And my butt's still sore, and that chick with the braces...

Butt-head. Butt-head, look!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Ohh. Ohh, yes. Uh huh huh.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Butt-head. Do you think we're ever gonna score?

Uh, I probably will.

But not you. Uh huh huh huh.

You're too much of a butt-monkey.

Shut up, dill-hole. Mm heh heh. Butt-dumpling. Uh huh huh.

Turd burglar. Mm heh heh. Uh, ass goblin. Uh huh huh.

Shut up, Butt-head.

Um, hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?

Uh, yeah. 'Cause, um...

I just need to stop by his tool shed for a minute.

Heh heh heh. You know what I'm saying?

Tool. Uh huh huh huh.

Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi-ing!


Lesbian Seagull

# Come with me

# Lesbian seagull

# Settle down and rest

# With me

# Oh, fly

# With me

# Lesbian seagull

# To my little nest

# By the sea

# With me

# That's where you belong

# With me

# I know I can be strong

# When you're...

# You're with me #

Ain't Nobody

# Oh

# I got visions, baby

# All right

# No directions

# Oh, my God

# You know

# I'm the best when it comes to making love all night

# Throw your butterscotch body beneath the red light

# Blaze it up, girl

# I'm gonna lace it real tight

# Go deep till the full moon turn to sunlight

# Till the darkness is gone, love remains strong

# Like the bond 'tween mother and child

# You're so warm to the touch

# Passionate interludes and such

# When you're gone, your body's what I yearn to clutch

# Just imagine ecstasy floating in a cloud

# Animal attraction burning through the crowd

# Heaven on earth, paradise for a price

# It's cool, though

# I'll pay you for the rest of my life

# Ya know why?

# Ain't nobody

# Does me better

# Makes me happy

# Makes me feel this way

# Ain't nobody

# Does me better

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# I'm exploring your body and your erogenous zones

# Like a black tiger caged up

# Till you come home

# Lovely, you make a man swoon like a boy

# The love is so soft it gets hard to enjoy

# 'Cause the mind flies and sometimes the sex lies

# Smooth little girls fall in love with rough guys

# But you could chop a big heart down to pint size

# I guess that's what it sounds like when the dove cries

# The whole world is trapped up in a maze

# But you saved this real good lovin' for rainy days

# The Lord works in mysterious ways

# He must've put you on this Earth for all men to praise

# Ain't nobody

# Does me better

# Makes me happy

# Makes me feel this way

# Ain't nobody

# Does me better

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# As I travel through your body

# Our souls become one

# Indivisible, oh, it's getting critical, son

# I'm on the run from love, it chase me out the bed

# Get the point, fool? You hit it right on the head

# lts an endless adventure

# Two bodies collide

# King fulfilling dreams with a queen by his side

# Forever, forever in time we intertwine

# Destiny, we fall in love by design

# What's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours

# The road less travelled is ours to explore

# I adore you

# Heavenly angel shining light

# Hold my hand

# I'll be your guide through the night

# Ain't nobody

# Does me better

# Makes me happy

# Makes me feel this way

# Ain't nobody

# Does me better

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# You can take it, girl

# Stop running on

# Come on now

# A man don't choose a woman, # A woman chooses a man

#

# Give you half for a second

# Then I'll give you the full plunge

# What you want? What you want?

# Iced champagne brings up the scenery

# Now me?

# Just bananas

# I know

# Ain't nobody

# Does me better

# Makes me happy

# Makes me feel this way... #