Bedazzled (2000) Script


I've been searching for a long time To find someone to be mine I never thought you'd come along Now that you're here, all my worries are gone Oh Sweet you All of my dreams have all come true You're just the one I've been looking for I didn't know how long it would take But good things come to those who wait Now I can't ask for anything more You're everything I've been looking for Sweet you Nobody, nobody, nobody will ever do You're just the one I've been looking for Nights were dark Days got longer My mind was weak, but my heart stayed strong Then you came along and rescued me Please, don't ever set me free Oh, no

Oh Sweet you Nobody, nobody, nobody will ever do You're just the one I've been looking for Nights were dark Days got longer My mind was weak, but my heart stayed strong Then you came along and rescued me Please, don't ever set me free Oh, no

Oh Sweet you...

Synedyne Technical Support. This is Suzanne. How can I help you?

Synedyne Technical Support. This is Rachel. How can I help you?

This is Elliot. How can I help you?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, okay. Give me a second to find you here.

My computer's running a little slow today.

Wake up, fella. There you are.

Hey, you got yourself a model 5732.

128 megs of RAM, 27 gig hard drive.

Good. Good. And you say that it hangs every time you print?

Wow! All right, no problem.

Can you hold for two seconds?

Carol! Carol.

I don't know what you've been told, little lady, but the rest of us start at nine.

Kidding, I'm just kidding. Good morning.

Hey, Dan, my man! What's up, my bro?

Yeah, put it there! All right. Yeah.

So hoops today? You and the guys up for some hoopage after work?

Uh, you know, we don't know yet, Elliot.

I'm not sure yet, okay? That's cool. Just let me know.

'Cause I'm there, bud. That's right, 'cause I love the round ball.

That's why they call me "Air Elliot."

Yeah! Okay.

Make sure that you let me know the right time because last week you said 6:30 and when I got there, you guys were just leaving.

I mean, how stupid did you feel?

Pretty stupid, Elliot.

Not a problem, Danny. Give it up.

Hey, Daniel. Hey, man, how you doing?

Good, good. How you doing, man?

Hey, Bob!

What's up? Hey, Elliot.

You and your posse gonna hit the brewery tonight?

My "posse"? No.

Uh, they're all busy with the big...

What's with your neck? Oh, nothing.

It's a repetitive stress disorder. It's a headset injury.

So what do you say you and me go and knock back some suds and check out the babes?

Elliot, I'm married, remember?

I'm gonna go home, spend some time with my wife.


Taking a trip to Whipville.

It just gets funnier every time you do that.

Don't, don't, don't...

Hey, Jerry!

Jerry, Jerry, bo-berry, fee-fi-fo-ferry, Jerry!

Hey, what's happening, brother?

Running to an important meeting. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Hey, wait.

No, I think you're gonna appreciate this, because we're both a couple of stereo component nuts.

Check these out, holmes. These are the new Ingebritzens.

Right. XVC speakers.

Here, look it. That's the back of the left speaker and the front of the right speaker.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

That's the front of the left... no, that's the right...

I think... oh, man!

What? It's Elliot.

Who told him we were here?

Oh, shit. Did you tell him we were here?


You guys!

I told you not to...

Well, well, well, isn't this a big surprise?

I thought everybody was busy.

A slight change of plans, Elliot.

Oh, is that right?

Well, I'm a little bit peeved at you guys.

I'm thinking you tried to ditch me. I might not even sit down with you.

We can certainly understand that, so we'll see you tomorrow.

Later, Elliot. I'm kidding!

Switch places with me. No, I'm fine.

What? Oh, my goodness gracious.

You've gotta be kidding!

Please, please, don't tell me that you have a thing for Alison Gardner.

Oh, man! Please.

She's way out of your league.

Isn't she dating that guy in research?

Brian, with the teeth.

Brian? The guy with the teeth.

No, that's been over for three months now.

Oh, yeah? How do you know that? I know a lot of things about her.

I know that she likes her bagels buttered, but not toasted.

Wow. How specific.

I know that she looks beautiful in any color, but when she wears blue...

Sounds like you guys are old friends?

Well, we have been working together at the same company for four years.

You spend time together, people get to know each other.

It's true, so it should be no problem for you to just get up, walk over there, and say hello.

She's with somebody. I'll catch up with her tomorrow.

Come on! Hold on, Elliot.

Come clean here.

You have never spoken to Alison Gardner, right?

Of course I have.

Did I say "queer" earlier? You are pathetic, Elliot! Really.

Okay, I guess you guys are just not gonna let me relax tonight until I go over there and say hello.

I guess not. Yeah.

Well, if that'll make you happy. You think I'm pathetic.

Don't touch me. Go for it, tiger.

Good luck.

Hi. Hi.

Do I know you?

Oh, I should hope so.

We've only been working together at Synedyne for the last four years.

I'm Elliot Richards.

We've spoken.

I'm sorry, I don't...

It was the first week of June, three years ago.

I said it was wet out.

We were standing in the lobby, and I said it was really wet out.

It was raining at the time.

I assume that.


So here we are, talking again.


Well, take it easy.

I'm here with friends and I was wondering if you wanted...

Dear God, I would give anything to have that girl in my life.

Hi. Hello.

I was wondering... if this is...

I was standing over there and...

You're very glib. I bet you're a whiz with the ladies.

Well... You here alone?


I'm here with some buddies from work.

I saw you talking to a woman.

Yeah, but I'm not with her.

But you'd like to be, huh?

What makes you say that?

I don't know.

When a man says he'd give anything to have a certain woman in his life, I just assume she means something to him.

How did you hear me say that?

I was standing way over... I have fantastic hearing.

And a number of other equally impressive talents.


Let's go someplace quiet so we can talk.

Okay... what? You want to talk to me?

Is there a problem?

Are you not attracted to me?


I think you're hot.

Baby, you have no idea.

Kiss me. What? Here?

Don't be afraid to explore new horizons.


Can you give us two seconds, girls?

Yeah, can you give us two seconds?




you seem really nice, in a strong, scary kind of a way, but my friends are probably waiting for me, so I'm gonna just get going.

You're so nervous, Elliot.

How do you know my name?

I'm psychic.

Plus, it's on your name tag.


Now then, I just want to talk business for a second.

Oh, I'm not into that.

I mean, I've never paid for sex before.

Except this one time... there was an Internet thing.

I mean, you can't help it. Every time you sign on, it's "sex, sex, sex."

I'm not a hooker, you silly boy. I just want to ask you a question.

How would you like to make one simple decision that'll change your life forever?

Okay, I'm glad Scientology works for you, but...

Just listen.

What if I told you that I have the cataclysmic power to give you anything and everything you've always dreamed of?

Who are you?

Promise not to tell anyone?


Cross your heart and hope to die?


I'm the devil.


I think somebody's had "tee many martoonis"!

I am the devil. Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub.

The Prince of Darkness.

Well, the Princess of Darkness, anyway.

Here's my card.


"The devil." Yep.

That explains it.

Now I believe you.


You're a very skeptical person, you know that?

How did...

How did you just... and you...

Look. If you could just buy into this "I'm the devil" thing, it'll save us both a lot of these questions.

Maybe I should call you a cab.

Although it's gonna be hard to find one that'll go to hell this time of night.

Oh! What a delightfully piquant wit.

I can see we're gonna get along famously.

Cheers, darling.

Are you... you can't... look at... jeez!

You can't do that. That's very dangerous!

Why is this so hard for you to believe?

Do you think your mommy and daddy just made me up so you'd be good?

Okay, okay. You're the devil. What do you want with me?

I want you to be happy, Elliot. You have such potential.

All you need is a little push in the right direction.

I am happy!

Oh, please! You don't have to lie to me.

I know every dark thought in your tiny little mind.

I know that every night you go home to your horrible little apartment and you eat your little frozen dinner, and you make your little bowl of popcorn and watch TV until you can't keep your eyes open anymore.

And then you crawl off to bed and wonder why you're alone and nobody likes you.

Not every night.

And you cry.

Yeah, sure.

I know what's in your heart, Elliot.

You could cry right now.

I'm talking about reinvention, taking control of your destiny.

You want to be liked?

You want to be loved?

How about respected?

How about feared?

What exactly are we talking about?

You want to see how it works, baby?

Wish for something.

Like what? Whatever you want, it's yours.

Just say the word.

Okay, I wish I had a Big Mac and a large Coke.

It is done.

Hi, how you doing? What can I get you?

A Big Mac and a large Coke.



Comes to $3.47.

Do you have $3.47?

I left my purse in the underworld.

Oh, yes! This truly is the work of the devil!

And to think that I doubted you! I'm gonna go now.

What's the problem?

This doesn't prove anything!

I could have done this myself. I even had to pay for it.

No such thing as a free lunch. Didn't anyone ever tell you that?

I didn't even get any fries.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I'm offering you the opportunity of a lifetime and all you can do is moan about French fries?

Good night. Oh, fine! Okay.

I'm obviously not getting through to you, so let's just forget it.

Come on, I'll give you a lift back to your car.

That's your car?

It's him! It's Elliot!

Elliot, right here.

I love you, Elliot!

Where are we?

Just a little after-hours club I own.

We'd better get in there. Everyone's waiting for you.

Everyone who?

All your friends.

How you doing, Mr. Richards?

Elliot, one picture!

Hey! Hey, Elliot! No way! This is your club?

It sure is.


Yeah, baby!

Hello, Elliot. Hello.

Elliot, dance with me. No, dance with me.

No, he's gonna dance with me first.

Okay, girls, that's enough. Break it up. He belongs to me.

How the hell are you? Somebody take a picture of us.

Hold it! Excellent.

Hi, Elliot.

I think she likes you, too.

Are you hungry? Uh-huh. Sort of.

Look. Wow!

These look just like the cookies my grandma used to make.

Try one. Okay.

These are the cookies that my grandma used to make!

I aim to please, handsome. Come on.

How did you...

You liked that, didn't you? What, the cookie?

Having all those people excited to see you.

It's nice to feel accepted, isn't it?

I can give you that.

I can make the whole world love you.

Come on! You still don't believe me, do you?

Of course not!

First of all, you look nothing like the devil.

Oh, really? I suppose I could have gone this way.

But it's so trick-or-treat.

It's true!

You really are the devil!

Oh, come on, baby.

Come and sit down.

I know this has all been horribly overwhelming for you.

Can I ask you a question? Sure, you can.

You can ask me anything you'd like.

As long as you don't ask me if there's a God.

I get that one all the time. It drives me absolutely bonkers.

Yes, there's a God.

Really? Well, what's He like?

You'd think meeting the devil would be interesting enough, but all they want to know about is Him!

Like He's so bloody fascinating.

So He's a man? Yeah.

Most men think they're God. This one just happens to be right.

Now listen, darling. I don't want to pressure you, but why don't we take a teensy little look at the contract?

What the... it's pretty...

"I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as 'the Damned'...

"the Damned"? How about "the Darned"? Better?

Don't get hung up on the language, darling.

There's nothing sinister here. It's all standard boilerplate.

Paragraph one states that "I, the devil, a nonprofit corporation with offices in purgatory, hell, and L.A., will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit."

Seven? Why not eight?

Why not six? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.

Paragraph two outlines the manner in which you'll pay for the wishes.

What? Are you kidding?! I have to give you my soul?

After you've had your wishes, of course.

But it's my soul!

I can't give you my soul!

What are you? James Brown?

What's the big deal? Have you ever seen your soul?

Do you even know what it is? Of course, it's the thing that...

No, that's... it floats around...

Can I tell you something?

Souls are overrated. They don't really do anything.

Has yours done anything for you so far?

No, it's like your appendix.

You'll never even miss it.

Well, if it's so useless, then why do you want it so much?

Ooh, aren't you the clever one?

Look, who's really making out in this deal here?

Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling little soul?

Well, I don't know.

What have we here?

Wait. Who is...


How did you...

She is so beautiful.

I've waited for you for so long. Who's that?

I've waited for you for so long. Who's she with?

I want you now, my love. Why are you showing me this?

Oh, I love your hair like that.

You must go through conditioner like crazy.

Is this real?

It could be. All you have to do is sign.

And you promise I'll get her?

That's really up to you. You're the one with the wishes.

But I promise I'll do everything in my power.

Sign it, Elliot.

Please, Elliot. I'm waiting, Elliot.


Now before you start wishing, you'll be needing this.

If for any reason your wish isn't going the way you hoped, just take out the pager, hit 666, and it'll bring you right back to me.

Why wouldn't it go the way that I'd hoped?

I was just throwing that out as a for instance.

Every wish is gonna be 100 percent fabulous.

But you'll find that out as soon as you make one.

So I should make one now? Well, if you don't mind.

I've got places to go, people to condemn to an eternity of fiery torment.

Okay, let me think.

I... I want to be married to Alison. You got it.

That's not all. I want to be rich.

Always a popular choice.

That's not all.

I want to be very rich and very powerful.

Ooh, even better. Remember, you have to say, "I wish."


I wish that I were married to Alison and that I were very, very rich and very powerful.

How's that sound? Sounds good to me.



"I am is to visiting in the Los Angeles for the time of vacations."



Roberto? Esteban?


Seis, seis, seis!

Back so soon?

You turned me into a drug dealer!

They almost killed me!

You asked for rich and powerful.

Not like that. Goes with the territory, babe.

"Root of all evil." Ring any bells?

But what about Alison? What got into her?

I think it was Raoul.

Yeah! That's not what I wished for.

Well, hold on now, mister.

You wished that the two of you were married.

You didn't say anything about her loving you.

You know, when two people get married, I assume that...

There's your mistake.

May I suggest something? What?

The rich and powerful thing wasn't really the way to go.

Everyone wishes for that first thing out of the gate and it never pans out.

Really? The fact of the matter is women aren't really attracted to wealth and power.

They're not? No, of course not.

They couldn't give a fig for all that rubbish.

What you need to figure out is what she does want in a man.

How do I find that out?


I'm not with her!

Where are we?

A place you never would have seen without my help.

Welcome... Alison's bedroom.

We can't be in here. This is breaking and entering.

I know. It's fun, isn't it?

I'm sure we're gonna find the answer somewhere around here.

What if Alison catches us?

Don't worry. She won't be able to see you.

Besides, she's in the shower.


Right behind that door.

Go on, go ahead. Take a peep.


Oh, come on. We both know you want to.

You must think that I'm really perverted, don't you?

That's what you think.

You think I'm some sad, desperate, twisted, pathetic loser.


Well, in that case, maybe I'll just take a quick look.

Focus, Elliot.

Remember, we're here to find out what kind of man she wants.

How are we gonna do that?

Well, she keeps a journal.

And here it is!

Right, I should be able to find some information in here that's useful.

Hey, that's private stuff.

Is it ever! Listen to this.

"Last night was the most incredible night of my life.

I never did find out any of the guys' names, but I brought them here and all five banged me like a Salvation Army drum."


Give me that! Just kidding.

I could have been a writer.

Hey, it's okay. She could bump into you and she wouldn't feel it.

Now this is good.

"I meet many attractive men who are interested in me and, while many of them are handsome or clever or very successful, I find myself turning away from them and searching the horizon for someone else.

I don't know who he is or where I'll find him.

I only know that he is a sensitive man.

He's a man who's in touch with his emotions.

He's a man who's not afraid to share his fears, his disappointments, and his tears.

'Where are you, my sensitive man?"'

Did you see that?

She passed right through me.

We were one person for a split second.

Just like in "Ghost"!

Darling, I've got an earthquake in eight minutes.

Any chance of making a wish here?


I wish I were the most sensitive man in the world.

Right. Okay.


I wish I were the most emotionally sensitive man in the world.

Damn, I was hoping you wouldn't catch that.

I could have had a lot of fun.

And I want her to love me.

Oh... you know what?

I have a great feeling about this.

You do? Yeah, but... what do I know?

Hey. I'm back, my love.

Where did you run off to?

I went to make a garland of beach plums to place atop your glorious head like a crown.

But then I caught sight of that sunset and...

I don't know.

Something stirred inside me and I had to stop and weep.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, it is.

There I go again.

Tissue? No.

I never wipe my tears away. I'm not ashamed of them.

I wear them proudly.

Like small, wet, salty badges of emotional truth.

Elliot, there's something that I think we should talk about.

We've been together for, what, about three weeks now?

Three magical weeks.

Three magical weeks.

I don't think that I've ever met a man who's been more in touch with his feelings. I love you.

So very much.

I love you, too.

Dudley! Peter!

I'm sorry, they're such little devils.

Come on, you naughty boys. See you.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Do you need comforting on any level?

No, no, I'm fine.

Have I done or said anything to make you feel less good about you?

No, no, I'm fine.

Would you like something to eat?

I made a Salade Nicoise with dolphin-safe tuna.

Oh, wow.

What is it?

It's that sunset again.

And I worry about the dolphins.

I wrote a song about them. Would you like to hear it?

Now? I...

Swimming by the sandy shore Dancing up among the waves Dolphin, dolphin, I adore Everything you are You're so much more than a fish to me My playful friend beneath the sea.

I have to stop. Good. I mean, oh, why?

Because I'm looking at you and I'm seeing all the beauty of the world shining at me through your eyes.

Would you mind if I sketched you?

I didn't know you could draw.

I'm not an artist per se.

Okay, Elliot, there's something that I think I really have to say.

Elliot, that's amazing!

Compared to you, it's nothing.

Compared to your smile and the blush of your cheek and the sound of your voice as it floats on the evening breeze.

Compared to you, that sunset's just...

when is that darn thing gonna set?

Maybe we should go. No, wait!

There's so much that I want to say to you, but I just can't find the words.

I have an idea.

I would like to improvise a sonnet about your hair.

How wonderful my fair one's face...

Excuse me, fellas.

Might I ask you to take the horseplay down to another part of the beach?

Eh... no.

You know, rather than get confrontational, why don't we all just sit down together, have some salad with dolphin-safe tuna and see if we can't start a dialogue.

You know, I had a feeling that you were gonna...

Okay, guys.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to respect the moment that my woman friend and I are sharing, because it's a special celebration of love and caring and a unique spiritual and emotional understanding.

Do you want to get a beer?


Alison, excuse me, but I thought that this was our time together.

It's just a beer. I'll be back in two seconds.

Actually, my place is, like, 40 minutes from here.

That's fine. Which way's your car?

It's a van. Great.

Alison! I respect your uniqueness and your individuality and you're your own person.

If you want to go with our new friends here to get a drink, I won't stand in your way.

Thanks, Elliot. I knew you'd understand.

No, wait! Don't go! Don't go!

I can't handle this kind of rejection. Why don't you want to stay?

You want to know why, Elliot?

Because you're just too sensitive!

I'm about to go out of my mind!

It's been wonderful, and God knows I love you, but enough is enough!

I just want to be with a man who'll ignore me and take me for granted, who's only pretending to be interested in who I am and what I think so he can get into my pants.

That would be me.

Oh, thank you!

Let's get out of here.

Alison? Wait!


I'll get into your pants!

Oh, Elliot, get out of there, you silly boy.

Man, you are so bad!

Why, thank you.

Just admit it.

You're not very good at this whole instant-travel thing, are you?

I'm sorry. Now then, what were we talking about?

Oh, your next wish, wasn't it?

Don't think I don't see what you're doing.

I make wishes, and you think up ways to ruin them!

I ruin them?

How can you say that?

I'm not perfect, you know! Do you think I enjoy this?

I'm stuck in this horrible job for eternity, everybody hates me, I can't sleep, and when I actually try to help someone, they turn on me like I'm supposed to be God or something!

For your information, my life is a living hell!

I work hard! I try to look good for you!

You do look good. You look very good.

I just wanted you to like me!

I do like you.

It's just I'm feeling a little frustrated here.

Don't give up on me, Elliot. I'm not giving up on you.

Nobody gets it totally right right away.

You're doing great. Really.

I am? Yeah. You are.

I'm so sorry your wish didn't work out.



I'm sorry if I said anything to upset you or make you feel bad.

And I'm gonna try to be more sensitive next time.

Oh, I think you're sensitive enough already.

You think? Are you kidding?

You even went for me crying.

Hey! Were you faking me out? Because...

I was 100% sincere.

It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of evil, you know.

What have we learned so far?

Well, let's see.

I'm starting to think women really don't know what they want.


They say they want sensitivity, but you saw how fast she went for those tough dudes on the beach?

Which tells you?

That... well, it tells me that I want to be really big and strong.

I want to have a great body. Tall and, like, Good. Go on.

I want to be athletic. Check.

And I want to be rich, too.

For something that I like doing and that people really like me for.

Great! This is getting really specific.

Let's see... big, strong, rich, athletic, something you like, lots of fans... are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, I hope so.

In the form of a wish?

I wish I could play professional basketball!

Then I'll just say the magic words: Dennis Rodman!

No! Just kidding!

Michael Jordan.


Three... two... one...

The fans are going nuts here at the Forum in Los Angeles.

The score, 135 to 85.

Elliot Richards has totally dominated.

If you're just tuning in, it's a shame because you've missed one of the greatest performances in the history of sports.

Absolutely, Jerry. Absolutely.

People say basketball caught fire with the ascendry of Michael Jordan.

But after what we've seen here tonight, a lot of people are gonna be saying, "Michael who?"

Right from the get-go, the fans took a look at Elliot Richards and a few women fainted and a few fellas, well, I'd rather not say, but they liked what they saw.

Absolutely. He's a big fella and an imposing fella.

He's enormous. He's listed at 7'6" in the program, but I say he plays, like you said, 11 feet tall.

No, I don't think he's that big, Jerry.

No, I'm saying the game he plays is that of some Viking giant with a basketball in one hand and a club in the other and standing 10, 11, 12 feet tall!

It's obvious that Elliot Richards will control this game from the tip-off.

Right from the get-go, Elliot is a dominating force in tonight's game.

He was "phi-slamma-jamma," rubbing stink all over him with rib-tickling jumps of double-vanilla funk.

Let's take a look. Here's a pass worthy of John Elway.

For the dunk! Just a beautiful play.

Here he is lining up for the 3, and, Ricola, it's good.

Here comes his patented, over-the-shoulder, no-look three-pointer.

And nothing but net.

They got the rhythm tonight.

They're in the zone.

Here he is soaring through the air like a man on a flying trapezius.

Bam! That's what I'm talking about!

Destroying the backboard and the glass!

This kid's an animal. Let's take another look.

And boom!

Humpty-hump, dump-dump!

I love this game, folks. I sure enough do!

Elliot Richards spitting glass at your ass!

Bob is courtside with Elliot Richards now. Bob?

Thank you, Jerry and Dan.

Elliot, you must be one very proud young man this evening.

Simply put, that was a staggeringly dramatic display of athletic ability.

Well, you know, you go out there and you give 110% and you want to play good.

You hope you play good. I think we played pretty good tonight.

In sports terminology... and I don't mean to sound contrary here... the word "good" falls short of encompassing the sheer virtuosity of your performance this evening.

Um, well, you know, there's no "I" in the word "team" and this is a team effort, and I want to say I'm proud to be associated with these fine individuals that I have had the pleasure of working with.

I would never want to dis your teammates, but you realize that you smashed Wilt Chamberlain's record of 100 points in a game set in Hershey, Pennsylvania, all those years ago?

Oh, man, you just gotta play one game at a time and give 110%.

You gotta show you want it more than they do when the chips fall.

Thank you very much. Back to you, Jerry and Dan.

All right! Diablos!

Number one, yeah!

Elliot. Hi.

Alison Gardner.

"The Sporting News."

It's nice to meet you, ma'am.

God, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to meet you.

I was wondering if there was a possibility if you might consider doing something exclusive with me for the magazine.

You know, maybe more intimate, one-on-one.

Just the two of us.

Yeah, right, I'd kill you one-on-one!


God, it's so exciting to be here. I mean... you must have an enormously huge talent to do what you do.

Well, you know, you go out there and you just give 110%.

And... you hope you play good. And you want to play good.

I think we played pretty good.

God, you were incredible tonight.

Watching you... I just kept thinking how unbelievably big your ego must be after a game like that.

Well, not that big, really.

I bet it's pretty big.

Well, it gets a little bit bigger.

It depends on how happy I am!

Want to go back to my place? I'll show you my bottle cap collection.

Oh, God, that would... that would be tremendous.

All right! Well...

I should... I should get dressed.

I can't wait.

Oh, my God!

Hey! What the hell?

God, there's this... Hey!


Oh, heck!

Oh, God, I remembered there's this teeny, tiny thing to do.

What's teeny? No, no.

Just something I have to write. About me?

Yeah, just a little, short, itty-bitty blurb about tonight's game.

Well, can I see you after the road trip?

I would love to, but I'm working on a really big, huge, enormous story on the NFL, so I probably won't have time.

Shoot, I understand.

You gotta give 110%. Right.

Stay within yourself. Hey, go, yeah.

Hey, um... thanks for your time.

So long.


What the hell?!

Oh, damn the devil!

Damn the devil to hell!

Shoot! Darn it!

Where the heck did I put that?



Now what are you doing?

You seem so upset, Elliot.

Do you want me to give you something to help you relax?

You bet I'm upset.

You gave me this little, teeny-weeny winkie.

Well, that's easily fixed, you know.

Now then, let's see.

There's some M&M's for room 320.

Red Hots for 316.

You're giving them candy?

Placebos. They work as well as the real thing.

It's a scientific fact.

You can't give sick people Tic Tacs.

Sick people have notoriously bad breath.

I'm performing a public service here.

Now then, about your next wish.

All right, okay.


I want to be smart.

No, I want to be really smart.

I want to be able to talk good. "Well."

What's the word?


Articulate! Yeah, I want to be articulate.

And I want to be witty and sophisticated.

Charming. I want to know everything about everything and I want to be popular.

I want to be good-looking.

No, no, make that great-looking!

And I want Alison to fall head over heels in love with me.

Anything else?

Like what?

Like winkiewise?

Oh, right.

Yeah, well, I want to be big.

Not like practical-joke big, but, you know, sort of...

yeah, like that. Is that clear?

Crystal. You just say "I wish" and I'll fill in the rest.

I wish that I was witty and articulate...

Blah, blah, blah.

You got it, smarty-pants.

Take two of these and call me in the morning.

Oh! Elliot!

Oh, it is so wonderful to see you, darling!

New York has been so deadly dull without you.

Where have you been?

Out in the Hamptons, of course. Up to my ears in my new book.

What, another one?

You've written four books in three years.

What's this one about? Oh, same old, same old.

A deconstruction of the neoromantic period in art and literature from the political and economic perspective of the Industrial Revolution in France, England, and Germany.

I can't imagine who reads this stuff!

Well, Elliot, the critics, apparently.

It's already won the Pulitzer Prize and it hasn't even been published yet.

Like they say, Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba, a Pulitzer Prize and $3.50 will get you a caffe latte.

So modest.

Darling, you really should get around.

Everyone's dying to see you. Mingle.

Darling, you look fabulous. Vassily Mishka?

What a charming man. Who is that?

Oh, that's Elliot Richards.

He's a very successful writer.

He's a very successful everything, as a matter of fact.

That's Elliot Richards?

Oh, I've read all his books. He's brilliant.

I had no idea he was so handsome.

Why don't you go and talk to him?

I couldn't. What would I say? Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

Just let him do all the talking.

It's a common misapprehension that the word "gin" comes from the city Geneva.

But the word "geneva," small "g," is a corruption of genievre, which is French for "juniper," the wonderful berry that flavors this miraculous libation.

Speaking of miraculous.

I'm Elliot Richards. How do you do?

I know who you are.

I'm Alison Gardner.

I just had to tell you how much I loved your novel

"Always Toujours."

Well, I was just trying to make a simple point, really.

Every time I've reread Camus and Sartre, I kept thinking to myself, "Why does the existential dilemma have to be so damned bleak?" Yes.

Yes, we're alone in the universe.

Yes, life is meaningless, death is inevitable.

But is that necessarily so depressing?

I couldn't agree more.

Don't you think secular humanism is yummy?

Oh, delish.

My, my.

They say alcohol is a disinhibitor, and it's working very well on me.

Me, too.

What an exquisite feeling.

Every cell in my body just... wants to reach out and touch someone.

Yes, it's incredible, isn't it?

The physiology of touch.

Just below your epidermis, concentrated in your fingertips, palms of your hands, soles of your feet, clitoris, nipples, penis, lips, tongue.

Thousands of tiny little Meissner's corpuscles all deliciously sensitive to even the slightest caress, sending all those tiny little endorphin-producing pleasure messages to the hypothalamus... the primitive brain.

I'm tingling all over.

Do you know the largest organ in the human body?

I can guess. You'd be wrong.

It's your integumentary system.

Your creamy, soft, and completely desirable skin.

Can we go to your place? For something more?

Oh, this is so perfect!

Everything here absolutely screams Elliot Richards.

Actually, most of the screaming takes place... in the bedroom.

What the hell is going on, Mary?

Who are you? Don't play games with me, Mr. Richards. I'm in no mood.

I've been out of my mind all night.

Oh, my God. Hi.

Who's your little friend?

Maybe I should be running along.

Wait. This is a mistake. I'm not gay.

Oh, really? And I'm Tony Danza.

Honestly, I swear it. I'm not.

Well, then tell me, who was in the Broadway cast of "The Pajama Game"?

Janis Paige, John Raitt, Eddie Foy, Jr...

I assume you mean the original cast because there was a revival in 1973 with Hal Linden...

I am gay!

I rest my case.

Wait. I can prove to you that I am not gay.

Kiss me.

Oh! This is just sad.

Will you shut up, bitch?

Please, Alison, let me kiss you.

Remember the champagne, the corpuscles?

All right, Elliot, kiss me.

I'm gay.

Well, thanks for dropping by. Good night.


You've been drinking again, haven't you?

This is just like the night you had all those Brandy Alexanders and ran up and down Fire Island with your cute little Speedos, singing "Evergreen" at the top...

And so the cow was returned to its rightful owner.

Okay, boys, tonight's homework. Algebra.

Xn + Yn = Zn.

Well, you're never gonna use that, are you?

Imperialism and the First World War.

What was done is done. No point thinking about it now.

German, French, Spanish.

Ja, ja, oui, oui, sí, sí. It's nonsense.

Everyone speaks English anyway.

And if they don't, they ought to.

So, no homework tonight.

But I want you to watch a lot of television, don't neglect your video games, and I'll see you in the morning.

Shall we say 10:00, 10:30?

No point in getting up too early, is there?

Elliot, darling.

What a lovely surprise!

I hope you had a pleasant evening.

As if you didn't know.

I'm sorry, darling.

I know it must be really frustrating for you.

Maybe I can make it up to you somehow.

Yeah, you've been a really big help so far.

I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I?

Maybe a good spanking's in order.

Is that all you think about? Do you think everything is about sex?

No, of course not.

I mean, there's greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, vanity, envy.

No, there's also honesty and hard work and caring about people and doing good for somebody else.

Oh, you're just a big Boy Scout, aren't you?

I find that incredibly appealing.

No. All I've been doing is thinking about myself.

I could be doing all these really important things to help other people.

What about Alison?

Oh, I don't know anymore. You mess it up anyway.

I know that Alison's not really like that.

What exactly do you have in mind?

I want to do something great for mankind.

I want to create a better world.

I want to go down in history for doing something really important and I want Alison to take me really seriously and to treat me with respect.

I sense a wish coming on.


I wish that I was the President of the United States.

That is the noblest, most unselfish thing I've ever heard.

And it's a great way to meet girls.

Bless you, Elliot Richards, and Godspeed.

Mr. President!

Alison Gardner.

We're so honored to have you here, sir.

No, no, no.

The actors are beside themselves with excitement.

We're going to a play?

I think you'll find it quite amusing.

It's called "Our American Cousin."

You know, I think I've seen it. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have.

I don't think you've seen it, sir.

It's an entirely new play. Really? I think I know how it ends.

Say, can we just go to a movie? A what?

The president.

You seem tense tonight, Mr. President.

Oh, well, you know, I've had a lot on my mind, what with preserving the Union and my wife going crazy and all.

Can I help you find something, Mr. President?

Yeah, I'm looking for my pager.

Your what, sir? My pager.

It's this little red plastic thingy.

It looks kind of like a cell phone, only smaller.

I'm sorry! Sorry!

All right, no problem.

No problem! No problem! No problem.

Sic semper tyrannis. Wait!


You're late, Richards.

Yes, sir. I'm very sorry. It won't happen again.

See that it doesn't.

I don't think a person with your extremely limited personal-professional skills can afford to push the envelope.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.


So tell me, how was it? I'm dying to know.

What are you doing here?

Just think of me as a computer virus.

I think of you as a plague.

Now will you get off my screen? I have work to do.

Whoa, what's this whole "get thee behind me" thing?

We still have business here, Mr. Richards.

No, not now. I told you, I've got work to do.

And besides, I've only got two wishes left and I don't want to screw them up. Correction.

You have one wish left.

Nice try.

I've got two more coming. No. Count them, baby.

You were President of the US. Yeah, okay, one.

You were a charming, handsome, articulate, celebrated author and raconteur.

Yeah, and you turned me into a flaming homosexual.

Professional basketball player. Three.

The sensitive, caring, artistic guy was four.

And the Colombian drug lord was five.

That means I have two more coming. You forgot the Big Mac and Coke.

What? That wasn't a wish. What do you call it?

You said, "I wish," and I got it for you. Sounds like a wish to me.

No! No, no, no, no. That's not fair.

Fair? Who do you think you're talking to?

I don't recall anybody ever accusing me of being fair before.

I think I'm insulted. What? You can't... no, this isn't right! You can't do this!

What are you gonna do? Sue me?

No! That's it!

I've had it with you!

The whole deal is off.


Shut up!

Are you all right?

Not really.

I need to talk to God.

Well, that's the power of prayer.

Just say what's in your heart and He hears.

No, you don't understand.

I really need to talk to Him.

Now. It's urgent.

Is it something you can tell me?

No, it's personal.

There's nothing you could say that I wouldn't understand.


Why don't you just try me?

Okay, a few days ago, I sold my soul to the devil for seven wishes.

I've already had five of them, but the devil says I've had six.

But I'm not counting the Big Mac and the Coke, and she is and I don't think that's fair, do you?

This is so unnecessary.

You're coming downtown. The devil gypped me for a burger!

Tell your story to the sergeant.

So do you have a copy of this contract?

No, I told you, she keeps it in her office.

At this nightclub in Oakland. Yes, at a nightclub and, no, I can't tell you where it is.

Because you promised the devil you wouldn't?

No, because she drove. That's why.

Right. In a Lamborghini Diablo.

Look, Officer. Sergeant.

Sergeant, I know my rights.

I don't have to talk to you without a lawyer.

So you either book me or you let me go.

Oh, gee, are those my choices?

Oh, what do I do, what do I do?

I choose "book you." Throw him in the lockup.

Arraignment in the morning.

Drunk and disorderly. What?! Hey!

Recommending psychiatric evaluation. It's her! It's her, she's the devil!

One more word out of you and I'll pop you one, you whacko bastard.

Now move it.

Spread them.

There's no point fighting about this.

You have to learn to accept the inevitable.

We're all doomed anyway, so you might as well just get with the program, wish your way out of here, and move on.

I wasn't kidding when I said I liked you.

I do, Elliot.

I think you have massive potential.

If you're looking at an eternity in hell, let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt to have a friend like me.

So you just think about that. Give me a call when you're ready.

She's a devil, that one.


I said, she's a devil, that lady cop.

Yeah, I guess.

What you in for, brother?


Oh, that's a long time.

You must have did some really bad shit.


I sold my soul.

Hope you got something good for it.

As a matter of fact, I got nothing for it.

Well, that's a really bad deal, if you ask me.

Well, I'm not asking you.

Doesn't really matter, though.

You can't sell your soul anyway. Oh, really?

Why do you say that?

It doesn't really belong to you in the first place.

No way, nohow.

So who does it belong to?

It belongs to God.

That universal spirit that animates and binds all things in existence.

The devil gonna try to confuse you. But that's her gig.

But in the end, you'll see clear to who and what you are and what you're here to do.

Now, you're gonna make some mistakes along the way, everybody does, but if you just open up your heart and open up your mind, you'll get it.

Who are you?

Just a friend, brother.

Just a really good friend.

Hey, baby!

We love you, Elliot!

Elliot, darling.

So nice of you to drop by.

Come into my office.

Oh, don't worry about them. They're having a fabulous time.

Pathetic, aren't they?

Everybody wants to go to the party, but nobody wants to pay the piper.

Are you...? Don't get too excited.

It's just a Halloween costume.

Anyway, Elliot, my darling, have you thought of your last wish?


Well, I hate to put a big rush on this, but there is a time limit.

Read your contract.

I really don't want another wish.

That's funny.

Do you think this halo's too much?

No. I really don't want it.

What do you mean, you don't want it?

You get seven wishes.

There's nothing I want.

Well, there are things that I want, but nothing that you can give me.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well... last night, when I was lying in jail, I was talking to this guy and I realized that wishing just doesn't work.

All my life I wished to be better-looking, richer, successful, talented, whatever.

I always thought it'd be great if someone could just wave a magic wand and make that happen.

Well, I realized that it just doesn't work by magic.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

And I've been starting to think that it really isn't that important how far we go in life anyway.

It's how we get there that really matters.


You know, that is so inspiring.

So it's okay?

Well, no, Elliot. I'm afraid it's not okay.

A deal's a deal.

You get one more wish, and I get your soul.

So let's just get on with it, shall we?

I'm not gonna do it. Oh, really?

Before you get all hinky, I should warn you.

I'm not all peaches and cream, you know.

I do have a darker side and, believe me, it's not pretty.

Now you can go easy, or you can go hard, but one way or another, I will get your soul.

I'm not gonna do it.

There's nothing that you can say or do that will make me.

Oh, I think you'll change your mind.

I'm just gonna slip into something a little more terrifying.

See you in hell!

Wait, wait, wait! Just wait a minute!


Now listen to me, you disgusting little maggot!

This is your last chance before the big weenie roast!

Make a wish or forever burn in hell!

Okay! Okay!

I wish...

I wish that Alison has a happy life.

Oh, God.

Is this heaven?

Heaven? God, no, it's the courthouse.

I'm just meeting a couple of lawyers for lunch.

Clients of mine. Come on.

Wait, what happened to the whole, you know, fire and the big, horny guy with... Oh, just a few special effects.

Sort of the Universal Studios tour of evil.

It normally works pretty well, but evidently you weren't going for it.

Your last wish was a deal-breaker.

What? Nobody ever reads the contract.

Article 147, paragraph 9, section 3:

Selfless acts of redemption.


Basically, it says, "If you commit one truly benevolent act, it voids the contract."

So I get to keep my soul?

Yes, you get to keep your soul.


Yes! I get to keep my soul!

On November 16th, I'll have been doing this for 6,000 years and you're the first person to give away one of their wishes.

I hope it's not the beginning of a trend.

You're not gonna tell anyone, are you? No, no, I promise.


I don't get it, though. I mean, why are you being nice?

Look, Elliot. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

The whole "good and evil" thing... you know, Him and me.

It really comes down to you.

You don't have to look hard for heaven and hell.

They're right here on Earth.

You make the choice.

And I guess you just made yours.

So I can go now?

Unless you want another seven wishes.

No, thanks. Didn't think so.

I really liked you, you know.

Well, to tell you the truth, you've been the best friend I've ever had.

Oh, dear. Don't go gushy on me now.


Go on. Go. You'll scare the fish away.


Hi. Hi.

Oh, uh...

Elliot Richards. We've met a couple times.

Yeah, I remember. Hi, how are you?

I'm great.

I'm exaggerating. I'm good.

We've been working together here for the last four years and I've always noticed you and thought that you looked like a very interesting person.

I don't know how interesting I am.

Well, the truth is I don't know you and you don't know me, and if we were to get to know each other that there's a chance that we just might hit it off.

So I was wondering if you wanted to go get a cup of coffee or...

That's really so nice of you.

I'm seeing someone.

Well, of course you are.

He's sure one lucky guy.

Listen, if it ever doesn't work out with him, then...

That's so nice of you. Really?

Yeah. Okay. Thanks a lot.

I'll see you around. Okay, take care. Bye.

Go. It's a joke. It's only 10 bucks.

What's he gonna do? Right.

Hey, Elliot, fo-felliot, so-smelliot.

What's up, dudester? Yeah.

What do you say we go down to the club tonight and pick up some chickette?

Nice talking to you, Bob.

Hey. New neighbors?

Guess so.

Hi. Oh.

Hi. You must be the boy next door.

Do you want to give me a hand?

Habla English? Spracht English?

Parlez-vous "Americiano"?

Hi, I'm Elliot Richards. Hey. Nicole Delarusso.

Don't call me Nicky, though. Everyone always calls me Nicky.

It starts as Nicole, then becomes Nicky, then Nick, then Ni, then just "Nn." People just call me "Nn."

I'm cracking myself up here.

You want to give me a hand? Yes, I do.

Okay. Oh, wow.

You got the new Ingebritzens!

Yeah, they're the best! They're the best!

I'd be happy to hook these up for you so you could have some music, if you wanted, while you're unpacking.

I could make us dinner... that way you won't have to cook.

Yeah, right. Me, cook?

Thank you.

Say, Nicole, you wouldn't happen to have a sister, would you?

No sisters, but I've got a lot of brothers, though.

Hey, hey Did you ever think that there might be another way?

Just feel better, just feel better about today Oh, no If you never wanna have to turn and go away You might feel better, might feel better if you stay Yeah, yeah I bet you haven't heard a word I've said Yeah, yeah I've had enough of all your trying Just give up the state of mind you're in If you wanna be somebody else If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself If you wanna be somebody else Change your life

Hey, hey Have you ever danced in the rain or thanked the sun Just for shining, just for shining Or the sea Oh, no Take it all in, the world's a show, and, yeah You look much better, look much better when you glow

Yeah, yeah I hope you've heard every word I've said Yeah, yeah If you've had enough of all your trying Just give up the state of mind you're in If you wanna be somebody else If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself If you wanna be somebody else Change your mind Ooh, yeah

Hey, hey What ya say we both go and seize the day

'Cause what's your hurry, what's your hurry, anyway?

Yeah, yeah I hope you've heard every word I've said Yeah, yeah If you've had enough of all your trying Just give up the state of mind you're in

If you wanna be somebody else If you're tired of losing battles with yourself If you wanna be somebody else Change your mind Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah.