Beetlejuice (1988) Script

BEETLE JUICE


Oh, that's a big fella.

Whoa!


Looks great. Thank you.

Happy vacation, honey. Ooh.

Manchurian tung oil. Where did you get this?

Helen got it for me in Oslo.

Well, there's enough here to do the whole table and the bureau.

Hmm.

I wonder what this could be.

Oh, honey, you got it. Thank you. Enough there to do the entire guest room.

I'm so glad we're spending our vacation at home.

I'm gonna get started right away. Well, hey, where are you going?

[GIGGLES]

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get it. Be my guest.

I'll just get the--

[LAUGHS]

Maybe you should get it. I'll go.

Okay. No!

[LAUGHS]

[CAR DRIVING UP ON GRAVEL]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, no.

Ugh, Jane.

It's your turn, honey.

-Good luck. -Thanks.

Hi, Barbara. Hi.

Glad I caught you. Heard you were on vacation.

That's right. Complete vacation.

Honey, today I'm $260,000. No, Jane.

It's 6:45 in the morning. This offer is real.

From a man in New York City who only saw a photograph.

Jane, don't send people photos of our house.

He wants to bring the wife and family up here for some peace and quiet.

That's exactly what we're looking for.

But, Barbara, this house is too big for you.

It really ought to be for a couple with a family, you know--?

Oh, pumpkin, I didn't mean anything. It's just that this house is too big.

I'll see you in a few weeks. Okay? Okay.

All right. Think about it.

BARBARA: Take care.

[HARRY BELAFONTE'S "MAN SMART, WOMA SMARTER" PLAYlNG]

Boo!

I was just telling Barbara about this offer-- No, Jane.

Adam.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Barbara, come with me down to the store.

What for? I need a new brush for this tung oil.

And I want to get a part for the model. Well, you just run in, okay?

ADAM: Two weeks at home. The perfect vacation.

BARBARA: Jane says we should sell the house to someone with a family.

Well, I don't think that it's any of Jane's business.

Besides, we could try again on this vacation, you know.

Oh, really? What are you saying?

ADAM: How are you doing, Ernie? ERNIE: Hi, how are you?

Morning, Adam.

Need a haircut before your vacation? No, thanks, Bill.

How's the model coming? Oh, it's great.

You know, you said Bozman built that foundation in 1835. But his grandson. . . .

He got hair right down to his goddamn shoulders.

He says to me, "Just trim it a little."

I took the scissors to him so fast-- See you later, huh, Bill?

BILL: Right.

This is gonna be great.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather go to Jamaica or someplace like that?

No way. There's no place like home. Hey, look out for that--!

[BARBARA SCREAMS]

[ADAM GROANS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[CUCKOOING]

BARBARA: Perfect start to our vacation.

Well, you'll feel better when you're dry, honey.

BARBARA: That fire wasn't burning when we left.

How's your arm? I don't know. It feels frozen.

[GASPS]

I'll make some coffee and you get wood for the fire.

Maybe we should just take things extra slow.

Do you remember how we got back up here?

I'm gonna go back down to the bridge and retrace our steps.

[GROWLING NEARBY]

You saved my-- Two hours.

Barbara, you are not gonna believe-- What? That's how long you were gone.

What is going on? I have to show you something.

Look.

There's that.

And there's that.

"Handbook for the Recently Diseased." Deceased.

"Deceased."

I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.

"Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press."

You know what? I don't think we survived the crash.

I hate this.

Just-- Can you give me the basics?

Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?

Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch?

Are we halfway to heaven, are we halfway to hell?

And how long is this gonna last?

I don't see anything about heaven or hell.

This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this:

"Geographical and Temporal Perimeters.

Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation."

Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.

[BARBARA MOANS]

[MAN HUMMING]

Damn sandworms. Thirteen percent, huh?

Well, I better find a job. Let's see. Business section.

Ooh-la-la.

What do we got here? The Maitlands, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Cute couple. Look nice and stupid too.

[LAUGHS]

I wish I had a better view of the cemetery from here.

I can't tell which is the best placement for us.

[SPUTTERS]

Cabin fever, hon?

Well, I can't clean anything properly.

The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house.

Why don't they tell us something? Where are all the other dead people?

Why is it just you and me?

Maybe this is heaven.

In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

ADAM: It's Jane.

BARBARA: God, what's she doing here? -I don't know. Hey, Jane, up here. Jane.

Can't see you, right? Uh-uh.

In the book, rule number two: "The living usually won't see the dead."

Won't or can't? It just says "won't."

God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in there.

Barb, honey. . .

. . .we're dead.

I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.

[RUMBLING]

BARBARA: Aah!

[BANGING DOWNSTAIRS]

MAN 1: Ah, this is great. This is just what the doctor ordered.

Sorry, ma'am.

Delia Deetz, welcome home.

Charles.

It's okay, there's no damage. Look, see? It's okay.

Good, sturdy, country craftsmanship.

And look at that kitchen.

You're finally gonna be able to cook a decent meal.

Come and have a look.

A little gasoline. Blowtorch. No problem.

Excuse me. Down we go.

CHARLES: We'll have to rip out all the plumbing.

But other than that, it's perfect. Just perfect.

What do you think, honey? Delia hates it.

I could live here.

Careful. That's my sculpture.

I don't mean "my" as in "I bought it." I mean I made it. It's my sculpture.

Put it on the table.

Ten minutes. I'm already perfectly at ease.

It's perfect.

[MAN 2 GRUNTING]

MAN 2: Help! It's Otho.

CHARLES: Otho, why don't you just come in the front?

It's bad luck.

Otho, you left the city for me. I am so happy.

Of course you are.

Delia. You're right.

Let's get one thing straight. You're right.

We're here to enjoy the country setting. . . Mm-hm.

. . .not to trash the place. You're right.

OTHO: Charles, you're lucky the yuppies are buying condos. . .

. . .so you can afford what I'm going to have to do to this place.

Otho, I'm here to relax and clip coupons, and, damn it, I mean to do it.

Then go do it quietly, dear, and let Otho and I think.

OTHO: Is the rest of the house as bad as this?

Is this a punishment or something?

What are we gonna do?

We're not completely helpless, Barbara.

I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation.

Ghosts.

OTHO: Delia, let's get this show on the road.

We're dealing with negative entertainment potential.

I mean, there's absolutely no organic flow-through.

I noticed that too. It's like a giant ant farm.

What? I thought I saw something.

OTHO: You've read my mind.

I did? So few clients are able to read my mind.

They're just not open to the experience.

Hmm.

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

My God.

We just have to pray the other closets are bigger than this one.

Ooh, look.

Ozzie and Harriet.

Ugh.

What happened to these people? They died.

Oh, look, an indoor outhouse.

Otho. Viridian.

Viridian. Now, why do I know that name?

Blue-green.

Hydrated chromic oxide.

Remember, I'm schooled in chemistry. I was a hair analyst.

What? Briefly.

Yuck. Deliver me from L.L.Bean.

Boo! Aah!

I know what you two are up to and you're not gonna get away with it.

Oh, honey, this is not working out at all.

Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.

Ha.

DELIA: I'm here. I will live with you in this hellhole.

But I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house.. .

. . .and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!

Yeah. Well, you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling.

Uh, but why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna get her.

So?

Once you cover up the wallpaper, knock down a few walls.. .

. . .this place might just be livable.

What's on the third floor? Attic space.

Oh, I forgot to lock the attic door.

Did you feel something? When?

[LOCK CLICKS]

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

You don't have a key? Maybe Charles does.

I have a feeling there's something very interesting behind this door.

Yeah, ghosts of the people who died in this house, and they want us out of here.

So let's do them a favor.

My God, that was close.

BARBARA: I cannot watch this.

What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away?

Honey. No, I'm not putting up with this.

[SCREAMS]

Barbara, you don't know what's out there. I don't care.

ADAM: Barbara!

BARBARA: Adam.

Adam? Barbara.

BARBARA: Adam!

Adam. Oh, help. Barbara.

Help, I'm getting all yellow.

[GROWLING NEARBY]

[ROARS]

[GROWLING]

[WHIMPERS]

Adam!

Oh, Adam.

We're trapped in this house with those people.

I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Sichuan up here?

Plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.

This is our first meal in this house. . .

. . .so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?

Don't bait your mother, pumpkin.

Soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement, okay?

My whole life is a darkroom.

One big dark room.

So you were miserable in New York City...

. . .and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks.

At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

I'm perfectly happy here. Those people in New York. ..

. . .they just don't know what they're missing.

You know, we could become The Summer Art Center of New York.

I could start sculpting again. I'm only truly happy when I'm sculpting.

That's a very good idea. That'll be, um, ahem, very time-consuming.

First the house. Otho and I have some great plans.

I think we should keep it the way it is.

Good idea.

Furniture truck is coming. We're gonna have to decide what goes and what stays.

Everything goes, along with whatever's in the attic.

Put it up. Come on.

Careful.

You see, if you tell me what you do I'll tell you why my husband will fire you.

Isn't there an index or something? No, nothing.

All right, now.

What's this?

DELIA: No, no, I'm sorry. That does not go there.

Do you know where that's going? Did anyone tell you where to--?

Why are there only three sculptures? There were four sculptures here.

Where's the fourth sculpture? No!

No, what are you doing?

Excuse me. Put it down.

"Betelgeuse, the bio-exorcist. Troubled by the living?

Is death a problem and not the solution? Unhappy with eternity?

Having difficulty adjusting? Call Betelgeuse."

[CRASHING OUTSIDE]

DELIA: Put it down. Betelgeu-- Betel--

That's it? There's no number or instructions?

Nothing. The "bio-exorcist." I don't get it.

[CRASHING OUTSIDE]

DELIA: Would you put that down? Straight back.

DELIA: Why is that still up there?

Why don't you guys take a break for about half an hour, okay?

MAN: Uh-huh.

Jesus Christ!

DELIA: What are you doing? Put that down.

What the hell are you doing out there?

DELIA: Listen to me. No! -Jesus.

Why are you doing this to me? This is my art and it is dangerous.

Do you think I want to die like this?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

No, no. Hi. How are you?

That little girl saw us.

Honey, nobody can see us. But she did.

What happened to the previous owners? They drowned.

Yes, they were family. I was devastated.

Here, take that. Is this the key to the attic?

That's a skeleton key. That key will open any door in the house.

Give that to your father.

And you might mention that I single-handedly decorated that house.

In case he needs any advice in that arena, have him come see me.

[STAIRCASE CREAKING]

Don't worry. I locked the door.

[LOCK RATTLING]

[STATIC ON TV]

[BETELGEUSE LAUGHING]

Having trouble with the living? You tired of having your home violated?

You want to get rid of them pesky living critters?

Well, come on down and see me, folks, I'm the afterlife's leading bio-exorcist.

Yes, sirree. Come on down here and I want to tell you, I'll do anything.

I'll scare them real bad. The point is, folks, I'm gonna do anything to get your business.

Hell, I'll possess myself if I gotta.

Wow! Yo, I got demons running all through me.

All through me. Come on down here and see it.

And hey, if you act now, you get a free demon possession with every exorcism.

You can't beat that, can you?

And bring the little pards down.

Hell, we got plenty of snakes and lizards for them to play with. No problem at all.

So say it once, say it twice, third time's the charm. And remember:

I'll eat anything you want me to eat Swallow anything you want me to swallow So come on down, I'll chew on the dog

[HOWLS]


We need some help. I read something in this book this morning about emergencies.

All right, here it is. "In case of emergency, draw a door."

"Draw a door"? I don't know why we keep looking in that stupid book.

Hey, maybe we should try that "Beetle" guy.

Oh.

You didn't actually think that was gonna work, did you?

Aha!

"Knock three times."

[RUMBLING]


Blugh.

[WHISTLES]

Birdies.

Get it.

LYDIA: Dad.

Can't you see I'm relaxing in here? Well, I wanna tell you what I saw.

What is the point of my coming up here if you people won't let me relax?

Pumpkin, sweetheart. . .

. . .go help your mother.

Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.

Hmm.

Nice building. Bad roof. Good parking.

[GASPS]

Adam? This way, honey.

You don't have an appointment, do you?

Well, we didn't know how to make one.

Appointment for what? What do you want?

We need some help. Ha! Already?

You just bit the big one two months ago and you want help.

What does that have to do with anything?

You're gonna use up all your help vouchers: D-90s.

You spend 125 years on Earth actually in that house. . .

. . .during which you get only three class-one D-90 intercessions with Juno.

You probably haven't even read through the manual completely yet.

You'll have to wait if you don't have an appointment.

An appointment with whom? For Juno, your caseworker.

Number 54,000,601. Ferndock.


Want a cigarette? Uh, no, thank you.

Trying to cut down myself.

Adam, is this what happens when you die?

This is what happens when you die.

That is what happens when he dies. And that is what happens when they die.

It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident.

[CHUCKLING]

Maitland. Party of two.

Take the handbook and go to the sixth door.

Oh, we forgot our handbook.

[MUTTERING]

Come on.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: All new arrivals, report to Waiting Room Number 8.

Flight 409 is arriving at Gate 3.

How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.

Fine. You look fine. Yeah?

Fine. Thanks. I've been feeling a little flat.

[LAUGHING]

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Will the Peterson party report to Door Number 9?

Peterson party, please report to Door Number 9.

All new arrivals, report to Waiting Room Number 8.

A hundred and 25 years. I can't believe this.

I can't believe they didn't tell us.

[GHOSTS MOANING]

Oh, Adam, what is this?

That's the Lost Souls' Room.

A room for ghosts that have been exorcised.

Poor devils.

That's death for the dead.

It's all in the handbook.

Keep moving.

Five.

This is the sixth door.

Boy, oh, boy, this place just gets weirder and weirder.

Barbara.

We're home.

Look at this place. Everything's different.

All our furniture's gone.

How long do you suppose we were waiting there?

Three months.

I'd almost given up on you. I was about to leave.

I do have other clients.

Are you Juno, our caseworker? Yes.

I evaluate individual cases and determine. . .

. . .if help is needed, deserved and available.

Are you available? No.

What's wrong? We're very unhappy.

What did you expect? You're dead.

We want to get rid of the people who moved in here.

Barbara and I worked very hard on this house.

We probably wouldn't mind sharing the house with people who were--

More like you used to be. Yes.

But these people. ...

Things seem pretty quiet here.

You should thank God you didn't die in Italy.

The Deetzes.

Okay, have you been studying the manual? Well, we tried.

The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all.

Get them out yourselves. It's your house.

Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.

Well, we don't quite get it. I heard.

Tore your faces right off.

It doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people...

. . .if they can't see you.

We should start more simply? Start simply.

Do what you know. Use your talents. Practice.

You should have been studying those lessons since day one.

[WATCH BEEPING]

Ooh. I've got to go. What about that guy in the flyer, Betel--?

Shh!

Don't even say his name. You don't want his help.

Well-- We might.

No, you don't. He does not work well with others.

What do you mean?

I didn't want to bring it up.

But rather than have you stumble onto it and make another mistake, I'll tell you.

He was my assistant.

But he was a troublemaker. He went out on his own. . .

. . .as a freelance bio-exorcist.

Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble.

[SIGHS]

In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately.

The only way he can be brought back. . .

. . .is by calling his name three times.

But I strongly suggest...

. . .that you remove the Deetzes yourselves.

Well, how do we contact you if we need you again?

Oh, Adam, that guy's in our cemetery.

She's right, honey. We just have to keep this simple. We can do this. Come on.

[FLY BUZZING]


BETELGEUSE: Hey, you. Hey, come here.

Hungry?

Come on. Hey, come here.

I got something good for you. Come on. Come on over.

We'll have a little bite, you'll have something to nosh.

[LAUGHS]

Come here. FLY: Help me. Help me. Help me.

[BETELGEUSE BELCHES]

Maxie, have I not always made you money? I think that's the only real question here.

Well, Charles, nobody made me money like you.

I mean, before your nerves went, you were a demon.

It's just that Winter River, Connecticut is, if you'll forgive me, nowhere.

Why would I wanna invest that kind of money in an old building. . .

...way the hell up there? It's not a building. That's the beauty of it.

These people don't know the value of their property. I can buy the whole town.

Oh, then we own a whole town in the middle of nowhere.

Max, you've got to come up here and see.

CHARLES [OVER PHONE]: And, uh, bring Sarah.

Yeah, all right, Charles. It's just that I am kind of busy here.

[MOANING NEARBY]

Uh, just a minute, Maxie.

Now, listen. Enough of this talk about visiting, okay? I gotta go.

MAXIE [OVER PHONE]: You take it easy up there, big fellow.

Goodbye. Uh, Max, wait, wait, wait.

[DIAL TONE OVER PHONE]

Putz.

[MOANING NEARBY]

Jeez, Lydia, is Connecticut so boring? I had Maxie Dean on the phone, honey.

Dad's found a way of making some money while I relax, so would you scram?

Your mother's gonna kill you when she sees you cut holes in her $300 sheets.

This is so corny. Is this what we've been reduced to? Sheets?

ADAM: Think of them as death shrouds.

And the moaning is important. Really moan.

[BOTH MOANING]

[ADAM AND BARBARA MOANING NEARBY]

[SIGHS]

God, how can he stand that woman?

Cut it out. I'm a child, for God's sakes.

BARBARA: I feel so stupid. ADAM: It's not stupid. We're ghosts.

Do you want to spend the next 125 years having breakfast with this woman?

Moan louder.

[BOTH MOANING LOUDLY]

[TV CLICKS OFF]

ADAM: Oh, God.

[ADAM SIGHS]

[CAMERA CLICKING AND WHIRRING]

Sick. Sexual perversion.

If you guys are gonna do that weird sexual stuff, do it in your own bedroom.

No feet.

Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?

ADAM [MOANING]: We're ghosts.

BARBARA: Whoo!

What do you look like under there? ADAM: Aren't you scared?

I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there?

Are you Night of the Living Dead under there?

Like all bloody veins and pus?

Night of the what? Living Dead. It's a movie.

If I had seen a ghost at your age, I would have been scared out of my wits.

You're not gross. Why are you wearing sheets?

We're practicing.

You can see us without the sheets? Of course I can see you.

Well, how is it that you see us and nobody else can?

Well, I read through that Handbook for the Recently Deceased.

It says, "Live people ignore the strange and unusual."

I myself am strange and unusual.

You look like a regular girl to me.

ADAM: You read our book? Yeah.

You could follow it? Yeah. Why were you in Delia's bedroom?

We were trying to scare your mother. Stepmother.

Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.

You did this? You carved all these little houses and things?

Mm-hm.

And this used to be your house.

Why do you want to scare everybody?

Well, we wanted to frighten you so you would move out.

[LAUGHS]

You don't know the Deetzes very well.

My father bought this place. He never walks away from equity.

Why don't you leave? We can't.

We haven't left the house since the funeral.

Funeral.

God. You guys really are dead.

This is amazing.

CHARLES: Lydia.

I better go. Wait.

Don't tell your parents that we're up here. Unless you think it'll frighten them away.

You tell them that we are horrible. ..

. . .desperate, ghoulish creatures who will stop at nothing to get our house back.

What if this is a dream? Can you guys do any tricks to prove I'm not dreaming?

Well, if you are real ghosts, you guys better get another routine because those sheets. . .

. . .they don't work.

DELIA: Ghosts.

You're telling me we have ghosts in this house.

Those pictures are of ghosts. Are they?

Ghosts.

Lydia, I am giving a dinner party tonight for seven people.

My agent, Bernard, is bringing a woman who writes for Art in America.

In fact, no one dining here this evening has not been in Vanity Fair except you.

I told them you were too mean to be afraid.

Don't you dare speak to others about me.

Being embarrassed in front of the few people who will set foot in here scares me.

So let's play family just for tonight, hmm?

Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.

She's got photos, Barbara.

Adam, you had a photo of Bigfoot.

My photo of Bigfoot is a different story.

Anyhow, we've gotta get some help here.

We've gotta contact this guy, Betelmeyer, or something.

Adam.

Look.

It's him. Betelgeuse.

Betelgeuse.

Go ahead, Barbara, say it.

Betelgeuse.

What happened?

I think we're in the model.

Hey, look at that.


Well, where is he? What do we do?

Looks like we dig, Barbara.

[ADAM GRUNTS]


Oh, it's about time.

I say we open it. Maybe we should knock first.

Yeah.

Adam. Babs.

Boy, do you know how to pick them. Is this relationship solid? Do I have a shot at her?

Excuse me. Sure. Am I overstepping my bounds?

Just tell me. Come on. Know what's beautiful about this?

You two kids picked me. You didn't have to, but you picked me.

It makes me want to kiss you guys. Come on, give me one.

No! I beg your pardon.

All right, let's get down to business.

I've got a card here somewhere. Here. Who do I have to kill?

Here, hold that for me, will you?

[BARBARA SCREAMS]

There you go. You don't have to kill anybody.

Ah, possession. Good.

BETELGEUSE: Learn to throw your voice. Fool your friends. Fun at parties.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] No. We just wanna get some people out of our house.

I understand. Well, look, in order to do that, I'm gonna have to get to know you guys.

We've got to get closer. Move in with you for a while.

Get to be real pals. You know what I'm saying? In--

[SNORTS]

Save that guy for later, huh?

My wife and I would like to ask a couple of questions.

Sure, sure, sure. Go ahead. Shoot. For instance, what are your qualifications?

[IN CULTURED VOICE] Ah. Well, I attended Juilliard.

I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School.

I lived through the Black Plague. And I had a pretty good time during that.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 times. . .

. . .and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it.

Not to mention the fact that you're talking to a dead guy.

Now, what do you think? You think I'm qualified?

What I mean is, can you be scary?

Oh! Oh.

I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary?

What do you think of this?

[BOTH SCREAM]

You like it?

Will you excuse us, please? Sure. Talk amongst yourself.

Adam, let's go. I know, but I think he can be useful later.

BARBARA: We can work something out. Oh, yeah.

BARBARA: Hey, hey, hey. ADAM: Excuse me.

What? Excuse me. We are leaving now.

Oh, come on. Don't go yet.

Hey, guy, come on. We're simpatico here.

Look at us, huh? We even shop at the same store.

Hey, hermano.

Yeah, there you go.

Hey, come on. We're like peas in a pod, the three of us. Let's face it.

You want somebody out of the house. I want to get somebody out of your house.

Look. We've been to Saturn. Hey, I've been to Saturn.

Whoa. Sandworms.

You hate them, right? I hate them myself.

Come on, kids, what do I have to do to strike a deal with you two, huh?

[SCREAMING]

Don't you hate it when that happens? Let's go.

Wait a minute. Just come up for a while. We'll talk inside. Come on. Come on.

BARBARA: I'm not staying here. The place is a mess.

We have to get out of here. I'll fix you something to eat.

Home. Home. Home.

Barbara, how did you do that? Hope you like Italian.

Where'd you go? Hey, come on. Hey, where'd you go?

Hey. Come on. You've got to work with me here.

I'm just trying to cut a deal. What do you want me to do?

Where are you?

You bunch of losers!

You're working with a professional here.

Nice fucking model.

[HONKING]

BARBARA: See, we can do this stuff on our own.

Besides, I'm not exposing that little girl to that pervert down there.

Barbara, we did call him, and he seemed awfully pissed off.

I don't care. I've changed my mind.

Listen, I think we can scare them off ourselves, tonight.

I have an idea.

I think what you did with the place is wonderful.

[WHISPERING] Not me. Them.

-So? -Oh. Um. . . .

[BERNARD CLEARS THROAT]

Uh. . . .

You like them.

I just hope it wasn't yet another of your dreary suicide attempts.

You know what they say about people who commit suicide?

In the afterlife, they become civil servants.

[CHUCKLES]

Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.

Well, of course. You remember.

After my stint with The Living Theatre...

. . . I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers...

. . .until the bottom dropped out in '72.

Paranormal? Is that what they're calling your kind these days?

Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.

Well, this looks really good.

I saw some ghosts.

It's a little private joke Lydia and I share. It's not a joke.

Yes, it is. Just today she tried to convince me that this house is haunted.

Kids. You know, I love them.

By ghosts? In designer sheets, no less.

I'd like to propose a toast to our intrepid friends...

. . .who braved the expressway and two dozen tollbooths to be with us.

May your buildings go condo.

Now, Lydia, favor us about your ghosts.

No. I am sick of that subject.

Oh, Delia, lighten up.

I would rather talk about--

[SINGING "DAY-O" IN HARRY BELAFONTE'S VOICE]

That's cute, Delia.

[CHUCKLES]

Otho, are you doing this?

[ALL SINGING]


[ALL SCREAMING]

We did it.

Let's watch them scatter.

Any minute now they're gonna come running out of that door screaming.

Any minute now.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

LYDIA: It's me, Lydia.

They want you to come downstairs.

Delia says you can wear any sheets you want.

It was like being in an amusement park.

[LAUGHING] Wham!

I didn't even know I could do the Calypso. Who has more fun than us?

We're dealing with Tracy and Hepburn here.

A very sophisticated pair. I mean, they even appear in sheets.

[LAUGHS]

Charles, what I wanna know is why didn't you tell us about this before?

Well, we're not even sure we want our secret out.

I mean, everyone's gonna want them for their parties, ha, ha.

People will pay big money for this, Grace.

The Enquirer is offering $50,000 for proof of life after death.

DELIA: Fifty thousand?

This is it, Charles. You can get Maxie Dean up here now.

You think so? Sarah loves the supernatural.

She'll have him sprint up here in his helicopter. . .

. . .if you can produce ghosts for her.

Oh, Charles.

I should remind you all that I am Delia's agent.

I have consistently lost money on her work for years.

If anything actually happened here, I shall handle it.

But not until I've seen some real proof.

But, Bernard, what about this table? What just happened, what was that?

And what money? Don't you believe in my work?

CHARLES: Uh-uh-uh!

Here's Lydia.

Well? They don't want to come down.

DELIA: Charles.

Why not?

I think the reason is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.

Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.

All right.

This was not a hallucination. This was real.

We all just experienced a very super-powerful paranormal experience and it was real.

Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake.

If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.

CHARLES: Drive carefully.

I'm dead. Where do they hide out?

The attic. The attic's locked.

They're ghosts, Dad. They can do what they want.

Yeah, they do whatever they want. Lydia, you take us up there right now.

Fabulous. Otho Fenlock's "Locked Door Ghosts."

Probably committed suicide up there.

I'm totally enchanted. DELIA: They're in there?

They must live like animals. It's locked. How did they get in?

Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down. . .

. . .and drag you out by the ropes you hanged yourself with.

They didn't commit suicide. It doesn't matter.

I have a chance to teach you something. Take the upper hand in all situations. . .

. . .or people, whether dead or alive, will walk all over you.

Open up!

So where are they?

Listen, you guys, these ghosts are really nice people.

I think we scared them away, so let's just leave them alone, all right?

It's the whole damn town.

I have never been so embarrassed. They haven't gone for good, have they?

Hmm.

CHARLES: Beep, beep. Dad, don't. Mom, let's just go.

No ghosts here.

Come on. If they are in here, I don't want to scare them away.

Well, we're leaving now. You can go about your business.

CHARLES: What are we doing? DELIA: Quick, quick, quick.

[BETELGEUSE LAUGHING]

Oh, boy. You guys are really a couple of spooksters, aren't you?

Now, let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.

Otho, you get Maxie on the phone. We've really got something here.

We can turn this place into the world's leading supernatural research center.

An amusement park. I'll do a presentation. Lydia will bring the ghosts.

I can't bring the ghosts, Dad. They're not here.

Otho, can't you do something? Perhaps. If I'm properly motivated.

Just what type of motivation do you require, Otho?

LYDIA: Why don't you leave them alone? They didn't do anything to you.

[RATTLING]

[DELIA GASPS]

[HISSING] Hi.

[SCREAMS]

[CHUCKLING]

Whoa!

[BETELGEUSE LAUGHS]

We've come for your daughter, Chuck.

Stop. Stop.

Yeah.

Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse. Oh, no.

Why are you doing this?

Leave me alone, all of you.

Great choice we got here. We spend the next century. . .

. . .either hanging out the window or doing parlor tricks.

Maybe they'll leave now. That snake was a nasty customer.

Well, he could've hurt somebody. But he didn't.

We've got them right where we want them.

You bunch of losers. How dare you interrupt a professional while he's working.

I'm not fond of Charles Deetz, but you could've killed him.

Hey, I'm just doing my job. Besides, I thought we had a deal.

Hey, it's okay. You know why?

I don't wanna do business with you deadbeats anyway, thank you.

The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter.

I think she understands me. You leave her alone, you--

Ow!

Go ahead, make my millennium.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah.

I'm feeling a little, uh, ooh, anxious, if you know what I mean.

It's been about 600 years, after all.

I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself...

. . .can find a little action.

WOMAN: Hi.

Yeah.

WOMAN: Come on. Come on in.

Oh, yeah. Here I come, baby.

Oh, yeah. Hey, Adam, nice move.

Adam, why did you build that? I didn't.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: All new arrivals report to Waiting Room Number 8.

Will you guys shut up and leave me alone?

I've got all this paperwork to do.

You two, come in here. Sit down.

Get in here, both of you.

The whorehouse was my idea. I want Betelgeuse out of the picture.

You two have really screwed up.

I received word you allowed yourselves to be photographed.

And you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back.

And you let Otho get hold of the handbook.

The handbook? When?

Never trust the living.

We cannot have a routine haunting like yours...

. . .provide proof that there is existence beyond death.

Coach. Coach, where's the men's room? FOOTBALL PLAYER: Yeah.

I'm not your coach. He survived.

FOOTBALL PLAYER: Wait, coach, let me get something straight.

What's our curfew around here? Will you get out of here?

Go on, get downstairs. "Men's room."

Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?

I'll be right back.

FOOTBALL PLAYER: Come on. Get out of my way.

Maybe this was all a bad idea.

I didn't say anything.

Oh, who are we kidding, Charles? You've never had a bad idea.

Yeah?

Yeah, this could all work out.

Home.

Though. ..

. . . I'm not sure that this is the right environment for Lydia.

Snakes. Ghosts. Shrimp.

You family types.

You've got other things to worry about. Maxie Dean's coming up here tonight.

You've got to figure out a way to sell these ghosts. I can only do so much.

What are you gonna do, Otho? Viciously rearrange their environment?

I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.

"I am. . .

. . .alone."

"I am. . .

. . .utterly.. .

. . .alone.

By the time. . .

. . .you read this. . .

. . . I will. . .

. . .be gone. . .

. . .having jumped--

Having plummeted...

. . .off. . .

. . .the Winter River Bridge."

So I don't care what it takes.

You get the Deetzes out of there now.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Flight 409 arriving. Whoa, wait a minute.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Flight 409 is arriving. What are you going to do?

To scare them.

I want to make sure it's not some silly parlor trick.

I'll go first, honey.

[ADAM GRUNTS]

[SQUISHING]

Not bad. Not bad. Now you.

Go ahead.

Okay, you look great.

Now, go clean house and don't forget the photographs and the damned handbook.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Please report to Door Number 9.

All new arrivals, report to Waiting Room Number 8.

Coach? JUNO: What?

I don't think we survived that crash.

How did you guess?

Mr. and Mrs. Maitland?

Hello?

Where are you? BETELGEUSE: Dead.

Dead, dead, deadski.

Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.

No, I mean they're gone. Split. Out of here. Afterlife kids.

Deceased. Are you a ghost too?

I'm the ghost with the most, babe.

You know, you look like somebody I can relate to.

Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because. . .

. . . I gotta tell you, this, uh, death thing--

[CRUNCHING]

It's just too creepy.

See, here's my problem.

I got these friends on the outside that I said I'd meet.

You know, I have to be there in person, you know.

So I was just wondering, could you help me get out of here?

I wanna get in.

Why?

Well, you know. . .

. . .hey, you've probably got your reasons, but I can't do anything from over here.

If you could get me out, over there, then maybe we could talk or something.

But, you know, in order to do that you've gotta say my name three times.

What's your name?

Well, uh, I can't tell you. Why not?

Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, they're calling me on the horn all the time.

I've gotta show up at shopping centers for openings, sign autographs, shit like that.

And it makes my life a hell, okay? A living hell.

But maybe if you have a pen, maybe we can-- I know. You ever play charades?

Yeah. Good. Good.

Ahh, here we go then. Ready?

Um, two words. Right.

First word, two syllables.

Look.

You know, just turn around.

I don't know what your signal means.

Turn around and look behind you.

Hi. How are you?

Beetle. Got it. Okay, now, two.

Breakfast? Orange? Orange beetle?

Beetle fruit?

Beetle breakfast?

Beetle drink?

Beetle--

Beetle juice?

Yes. That's it. Your name's Betelgeuse?

You said it twice. Just say it once more. Come on.

It was you, wasn't it?

Wha--? Me? The snake.

No, what snake? You kids and your imagination.

Just say it.

No.

I want to talk to Barbara.

No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. Just say it.

Oh, Adam, I can't go through with it. I like that little girl.

But, Barbara, honey, it's too late. We have to go through with this.

No, we don't. I mean, can't we rebel or something?

[ADAM SIGHS]

Barbara.

Adam, I want to be with Lydia.

Come on. Just say it.

ADAM: No! BARBARA: No! Lydia, don't say it.

You. Say it.

It's okay. It's okay. It's us. What's going on?

Betel-- Shh!

He told me that if I let him out he would take me to the other side to find you.

No, Lydia, we're dead.

I wanna be dead too. No.

Lydia. . .

. . .being dead really doesn't make things any easier.

Listen to her on this, Lydia. This is something we know a lot about.

And you can come up here and visit us anytime you want.

I have a feeling things are going to be a little better around here from now on.

[GRUNTING]

What do you mean, better?

Well, we've decided that we're going to invite you and your family to stay.

That's right, Lydia.

OTHO: Why can't we bring Maxie up here? You've got a stake in this too.

This is a presentation. It requires a sense of occasion, a sense of style.

It's so big. How will we get it out? It's sectional.

Wait, there are plugs. Careful.

Okay, go.

What's going on? I don't know. I'll go find out.

Be careful.

We've got Ed Cornwall to head the wax museum. . .

. . .dedicated to 50 great moments of the paranormal here in Thanksgiving Park.

Now, you must remember Ed, Maxie.

He's the genius who gave us the talking Marcel Marceau statue. It was a sensation.

And D-CON is on its knees to sponsor the insect zoo.. .

. . .here in the old hardware store.

We can't lose.

Lydia, you finally decided to join us.

Honey, I just, uh, finished the initial presentation.

And now I think it's time to have a stretch. . .

. . .and to invite our friends to meet your friends, okay?

Are they here yet?

Charles, we're here to see some ghosts.

They're not here anymore.

Every time she says that, the paint peels.. .

. . .and, uh, some wild creature tries to kill us.

But we have these pictures, Lydia.

No, really. They said they might come back and we could all live here. . .

. . .if you agreed not to tease them or make them do stupid tricks.

She has such a tendency to overreact.

Don't worry, we're not relying on her. We have Otho.

Are they still here, Otho? Otho, are they still here?

Oh, they're still here. They're just hiding out.

Probably feel guilty about what they did to me.

They're sorry they didn't kill you.

Well, I don't know from guilt. I just wanna see them.

Otho, can you do it?

It'll be tricky, but I think I can handle it. No.

Wait. What am I worried about? Otho, you can't even change a tire.

I'll be needing something personal of theirs.

You'll have to go to the Goodwill.

Excuse me.

The wedding clothes.

The words:

[CHANTING] Hands vermilion Start of five Bright cotillion Raven's dive Nightshade's promise Spirits strive To the living Let now the dead come alive

Barbara?

[CHANTING] As sudden thunder pierces night As magic wonder mad affright Rives asunder man's delight Our ghost, our corpse And we rise to be

Oh, no.

[MOUTHS] Help.

Barbara?

Stop it. Shh!

LYDIA: No.

OTHO [CHANTING]: As flies the lizard Serpent fell As goblin vizard at the spell The buried, dead and slain rise again


[MOUTHS] Barbara?

What's happening to them?

I don't know.

They're dying.

No, they're not. They're already dead. They can't feel a thing.

That's not true. Look at them. CHARLES: All right, that's enough now.

Can you stop this?

Otho.

It's too late, Charles. I'm sorry.

Where are you? Help them, please.

Sure, I can help them. But you've gotta help me.

What? Look, I'm what you call an illegal alien.

I want out for good. In order for me to do that, hey, I gotta get married.

Hey, these aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.

Come on. Come on.

Think of it as a marriage of inconvenience. Okay? We both get something. I get out.

You get to say you're hitched with the most eligible bachelor since Valentino.

We're even, babe. Okay, just help them.

Sure.

Betelgeuse.

It's showtime.

Attention, Kmart shoppers.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS]

Well, I'm back. I feel real good about myself. You know what I mean? So. . .

. . .without further delay.. .

. . .welcome to Winter River Museum of Natural Greed.

A monument to the bored businessman.

Come on, a little closer. Step right up. Test your strength.

[LAUGHS]

BETELGEUSE: Thank you.

Thank you.

That is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, babe.

I won't. I won't do them.

Well, what have we got here tonight, kids?

Well, we've got the, uh, Maitlands.

I think they've had enough exercise for tonight.

Not so fast, Round Boy. We're gonna have some laughs.

[CACKLES]

Otho.

[SCREAMS]

[BETELGEUSE CHUCKLES]

Come on, come on, come on.

Yeah.

Mom, Dad:

I just want you two to know you're welcome in our house...

. . .anytime you want to come over.

In the meantime, the dowry's on me, Dad.

Well, the Maitlands are taken care of.

Everything seems to be pretty much back to normal, I think.

Shall we?

Called the caterer. He's got a great band.

We're gonna need witnesses. Would you?


[SCREAMING]

Come on. Let's go. Let's get on with the ceremony.

Do you, Betel--

Aah! Uh-uh!

Nobody says the "B" word. Come on. PREACHER: Do you take this woman...

. . .to be your wedded wife?

Oh, jeez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision.

I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it.

Sure. Yeah. Go ahead.

And you, do you, Lydia, take this man--

No. Betel--

She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?

[IN LYDIA'S VOICE] I'm Lydia and I'm of sound mind.

The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me. I'm answering.

Yes, I love that man of mine.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come on. PREACHER: Then by the--

Betel--

Come on. Come on.

Betelgeu--

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Scram.

Come on.

Take a hike.

PREACHER: May we continue with the ceremony?

[PREACHER CLEARS THROAT]

Then by-- Betelgeuse.

Betelgeuse. Oh, gee.

Strike.

Come on, let's get rolling now, rev.

Then by the authority vested in me--

The ring, please. The ring. Oh, no.

Jewelry store. Here.

That's not it.

You know I got it, honey.

[SANDWORM GROWLING]

Here it is. Here you go.

I'm telling you, honey, she meant nothing to me. Nothing at all.

I now pronounce you-- Yeah, yeah, come on.

Man and--

Ow!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]


[CHUCKLES]

GIRL: Bye. LYDIA: Bye.

Bye.

Bye, you guys. Bye.

What time is it, honey? It's about 3:30, I guess.

Give or take a year.

Hello?

Well?

Did you get the paints?

Yes. And I took pictures of the new town hall for you too.

BARBARA: How'd you do on that Science test?

It was gross. They wanted me to dissect a frog.

I told them no way. I said it was against my religion. So I got a C.

And how about the Math test?

You have got to be kidding me. We spent the whole week studying for that test.

I got an A.

So can I?

Well, I don't know. Got a C on the Science test.

Adam, don't tease her. You never got on A in Science--

Come on.

Well. . .

. . . I suppose.

[HARRY BELAFONTE'S "JUMP IN THE LINE" PLAYING]

This thing reads like stereo instructions.

Sounds like Lydia got an A on the Math test. Jeez!

He likes it.

[SINGING "JUMP IN THE LINE" IN HARRY BELAFONTE'S VOICE]


Hey!

Sorry. Didn't see you sitting there.

Women.

I don't know what her problem is.

Normally, chicks--

[DINGS]

[SIGHS]

Pardon me. Did you do that?

That's very nice work. Let me ask, how do you get them so sm--?

Hey, there goes Elvis. Yo, King.

Well, looks like I'm next.

Good thing too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half.

They've been after me for months. Doing some kind of underwear deal, I don't know--

Hey, what are you doing? Stop it. You're messing up my hair.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Come on! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it!

Whoa!

Hey, this might be a good look for me.

[SINGING]

[ALL SINGING]