Benvenuti al nord (2012) Script

People of Castellabate, come out of your houses.

Come join our protest.

No to unification !

We don't want to go part-time.

No to part-time work !

Mattia, come and protest. Hurry.

Hey, it's not that I don't want to take part, in fact I'm behind you because you're doing a good thing.

But I need to be part-time, so I'll have more time for myself.

No point in having time but no money !

Or money and no time !

And to be honest, l have certain responsibilities.

Edinson, kick it to daddy !

You hit the post !


-Fine dust particles don't worry you ? -No.

-And the medium ones ? Try and enjoy the day. lt was better in Usmate.


You insisted we move to Milan, you knew about the smog !

Let's get a house in the mountains like eveyone else.

Never, because we're original, unconventional, we're...

Misers !

And you're always busy with your post office job...

After that fraud incident I'm under scrutiny, l have to give it my all !

Darling, the mountains are good for us.

Remember our first kiss at the Alpine soldier party ?

-You don't ? l'd drank a litre of grappa.

This time don't drink so you'll remember all my kisses.

So we're agreed about the house, okay ?

Chicco ?

WELCOME TO THE NORTH

I've often asked myself... why did St. Paul write all those letters to the Corinthians ?

But more importantly... why didn't the Corinthians ever reply ?

I'll tell you why: the Italian postal service didn't exist !

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Mario !

The PO's upper crust is here, maybe they've forgiven me. lt's taken. lt's reserved. lt's pre-booked.

Even important families have black sheep.

And the blackest of all is him.

Alberto Colombo.

Here he is, playing the part of a handicapped person.

Look at his limp hand.

Now we have the real performance: the spasms of the face and of the intestines, somewhat oriental, like a dance...

And watch this: here's his best move.

He shakes his hand, the chairfalls, a perfect jerk expression.

A first-rate comedian.

But now let's move on to the best among you.

What branch was most productive ?

Who is the man of the year ? lt's him again, Alberto Colombo !

Thanks, thanks.

A role model for all.

Alberto Colombo is the proof that each of you can change and improve.

Therefore, I'm entrusting him with the project I care most about. lt's a Japanese pilot project: to create a perfect post office as a model for the county.

Colombo ! Colombo !

Thanks, thanks...

-What happened ? I was excited...

I mean, I spilt some water.

Please, take me on. Working with Palmisani is my dream.

-Only if you say you're a bastard. I'm a bastard, never doubted it !

A terrible bastard !

You're irresponsible.

Tell me why you agree with being part-time.

I agree with it because... I did it for you.

So when you go back to work and become an executive l can look after the kid.

Right, you'll leave him with your mom and go to the beach.

We need two wages to buy a house.

Why ? This place is fine: it's bright, spacious and cheap.

Plus we have privacy, seclusion...

Lunch is ready !

Eat up for mommy ! Here we are !

-You gotthe smallest one ! -The big ones were gone.

We need to call the plumber, the toilet's not flushing.

I'll call him tomorrow. She'll call him tomorrow. l said it to you, not your mother.

What matters is that it's fixed. The toilet's important. lt's essential for a house.

I'm sick of living here. Because of the toilet? l want to buy our own house. Eveyone has one, why not us ?

Maybe I should go call the plumber.

Edinson, come with grandma.

l can't take on that debt that property deal... lt's called a mortgage. Why don't you use the proper name ?

I just can't, I can't breathe when I have to say that word...

l can't say it ! lt'll take 30 years, that's a life sentence ! l can't be with a man who can't say ''mortgage'', got it ?

-Where are you going ? I'm leaving.

No, don't. Think of Edinson...

I don't want to be with a kid, and you're a kid ! Get lost !

lf you leave me I'll jump out the window !

Go ahead.

Maria, I love you ! I swear I love you !

I'll shout it to the world !

Come out. Making a scene is useless.

You're a clown.

I'm being serious. I'll stay here until Christmas.

Fine !

Help me !

Help me !

Put me down, you've made a mistake, my heart's been trashed now I'm in the trash !

Scapece, come get me at the dump.

Put me down, understood ?

Without my wife and son, what's the point of living ?

I'll kill myself. Don't joke.

These thoughts you have, you shouldn't have them.

You're right, don't think thoughts.

What are you babbling on about ?

I'll slit my wrists. No, the blood goes everywhere.

You'll make a mess at home...

Knowing your mom, she'll clean up then kill you a second time.

I'll throw myself into the sea, I've just eaten.

Into the sea ? Have 3 hours gone by ?

lf 3 hours have gone by, you can go in the water and not die.

I didn't think dying was so hard.


I've thought of something ! -Suicide options again ?

Worse ! The death of my heart... l applied for a transfer to Pordenone.

Tell Maria how much she hurt me.

Pordenone ?

What a terrible death.

Hello ? Maria's left Mattia.

But even worse... Who is this ?

Costabile Senior. -And Junior.

What a pleasure !

-Mattia wants to go to Pordenone. Hear that ?

He'll die in the north for sure !

There's fog, the food's awful...

-The people are cold. -And heartless.

Thanks, you're so kind.

Don't mention it, Alberto.

You're a friend, transfer him to Milan.

At least there he'd have you.

Calm down, it's not my office.

I'd help if I could, but how can I ?

A new guy's just arrived, I can't get rid of him.

Plus he's an "untouchable", you know what I mean ?

-You see ? They're heartlss. You're right.

Thanks, speak soon. Hang up.

Bye, take care.

Hi, Magonza.

Magonza, I'm the manager. l'd like to welcome you.

You're vey kind.

Here. Shall I help you ? Thanks.

Be careful ! It's my fault.

May I ask... how long ? Since birth.

Are you feeling okay?

I've got a sore throat.

Is the air con too cold ? No.

l feel cold now.

Now I feel hot.

I hope you'll be happy here. -Thanks.

-That money's mine. Finders keepers...

Sorry. No problem.

l knew it !

Ciro !

Nice.

False alarm, there'll be no unification.

-And no part-time. Great !

Mattia, a surprise for you.

Transferred to Milan ?

Happy ? We saved you. -Milan's much better than Pordenone.

-You did this ? -We're your friends, we help you.

Help ? You've killed me !

Who wants to go to Pordenone ? I didn't want to go.

That's why we contacted Milan. I don't want to go to Milan !

I said I wanted to die so you actually kill me ? lt was just to scare Maria. Don't you understand the mechanism ? l tell you, you tell Maria. It's called being a grass !

So it was all a farce ? What have we done !

You can always turn it down.

How ? It's an immediate transfer. l can't say no.

He could resign. No, he'd lose Maria like that !

What was that about grassing ?

I tell you, and you... I tell myself.

Do you know that in our working life we waste over 2 years greeting each other ?

8.5 months having coffee.

Do you know that since you started working, you have spent 1.5 years in the toilet?

Do you think that's healthy? No.

A perfect office is an office that abolishes time-wasting.

Colombo, you will be our Marchionne !

Hope I don't disappoint you. -You won't. Your values... are the values of our project: efficiency, readiness, punctuality, energy, smiles, in one word...

E.R.P.E.S. l know, the Italian translation doesn't really work. ln Japanese, it's ''Banzai''.

Nonsense, Erpes is great. -Yes, great.

You have a year to pull it off.

You're the right man to spread Erpes.

Every Saturday you'll meet various Italian offices.

He can't. -Why ?

He promised to go to the mountains with his wife.

How do you know? Silvia told me. I'm single.

So what ? I'm separated.

I'm sorry.

My wife talks and talks, but in the end I decide.

Yeah, right.

When will I get a chance like this again ?

Never ! Right, exactly.

Fried mozzarella, rice croquettes, and dough balls.

-The stuffed peppers ? Right there. l put home-made pasta here. And your main dishes are here.

-And here ? Starters. I kept them separate.

Great, that's tidier. Where do these go ?

-All those woollen jumpers ? It's cold in Milan.

In August ? It might not be summer there.

-Are the seasons different ? -The Po Valley...

They're rich, they work hard and rush around.

And if you fall, they'll tread right over you.

-Why would I fall ? Because they rush around !

And if you get ill, they'll let you die.

-Why would I get ill ? Like she said, because it's cold !

Sorry, I was distracted.

And anyway, going to the north isn't that bad.

My brother left 15 years ago and never came back.

Did he settle there ? He died.

But remember...

Alberto came here to the south with lots of prejudices too, and they were all nonsense.

Those about the south are nonsense, those about the north are true.

-Come off it, mom ! -You come off it !

Go easy, mom. lt won't close !

Daddy'll teach you how to hit the ball with your head.

Yes, because daddy has a hard head.

l want to stay with you and our kid.

-Give me some hope. -You need to grow up.

Grow up !

I've prepared a list of Milanese words.

Good morning is ''smagattelot''.

Enjoy your meal is ''Nassabinicutanne''.

Milk soup is... l can't ask for that in Milan ! Come on ! l prepared this surprise for you, look !

Anti-fog jacket, this'll be handy in Milan because it's foggy and you risk getting run over.

Have a good journey ! Bye, thanks.

Mattia, look what I've brought you !

Inter FC and Milan FC. So you'll blend in there.

Like a chameleon.

I'll miss you. -Mattia !

Don't go, don't go up north !

Mom, take iteasy.

Don't wory, Alberto is a true friend.

Let's hope so.

Mattia, don't go !

Don't go !


Where are you heading ?

Milan. Sweet Jesus !

Hello ? -Have you arrived?

I'm still in Salerno. Put your wool jumper on !

Let me getto Caserta ! Put it on, it's cold in Milan.

But it's boiling now.

Hello ? -You didn't call to say you arrived !

I haven't yet. -Okay.

I put my wool jumper on, I did !

Hello ? He didn't even answer !


l sent Chicco to sleep at his grandma's !

Alpine soldier, we're all alone !

Won't you ask me what we're celebrating ? l know perfectly well...

We are celebrating our... No, I know ! Your...

Whose is it ?

What are we celebrating ?

-What is it? The house in the mountains ! l found it ! There's even a leopard-skin fireplace.

l signed a year contract before we lost the chance.

Payment upfront ? Great news !

We'll leave Saturday at 14:20 and arrive at 16:15, and we'll have polenta and sausage for dinner.

-Sounds good, but I can't. -Sausage gives you indigestion. lt's not that, it's...

Remember that pilot project l told you about ?

I'll need to work weekends for awhile.

For how long ? Oneyear...

Oneyear ?

They're not sure. What accent is that ? l have a Tuscan colleague, the accent is catching.

That's mozzarella... lt'll probably be a month, or two or three...

-Two, three... how many ? I don't know, a couple !

But now's the Alpine soldier party season !

I don't want to miss the pork stew all-nighter !

Looking for someone ? -Alberto Colombo.

Silvia, I do care about you, Chicco, and pork stew !

Well, if you care, when was I born ?

December 6th. -Yes, what year ?

No, don't say it !

And Chicco, when does he study English ?

When does he play football, chess or study music ?

He plays chess ? Since when ? -You see ! l knew... he does something every day, so...

Yes, when ?

Any clues ? Thursday !

-What does he do on Thursday ? Football.

You lucked out. You only think of your career !

You backed the pilot project.

With a room full of jerks shouting ''Colombo'' !

Like you'd discovered America. I've had enough !

Who is it now? Crikey, he's already here. l told you Mattia was being transferred to Milan...

When ? Now, he's here.

I've had a busy day...Silvia ! l got the mozzarella for him.

How nice to see you !

There's a hotel nearby: ''La bella Milano''.

They have cable TV, mini-bars. Great to see you, what a surprise !

All I need is fog...

Holy Madonna !

Mattia, come in, that idiot was only joking !

May I ?

May I come in ?

-May I ? -Come on in. It's nearly ready.

Where shall I sit?

He's here now, don't mope all night. l'd never do that.

I'll goto the hotel, don'twory. They've got cable TV.

Nonsense, it's a pleasure ! Come on, I was laying the table.

This is your plate.

You need a chair, right ?

Give me a kiss !

-A little thought. Roses ?

They still exist ? l haven't seen any for ages !

She means you can't get flowers in Milan, we're not...

So, how are things ? -Awful, I broke up with Maria.

Great, excuse me a moment.

l gave you flowers the other day, remember ?

Flowers ? Oh right... that was the red rose you bought me just because the vendor was almost 7 feet tall...

You want to argue, can we do it tomorrow though ?

You're right, tell me what time, I'll put it in my diary.

Mattia, do you like sushi ? -Yes, I like Milanese cuisine.

Silvia is the queen of sushi.

We have it evey week. lt's great, do you like it ?

Delicious.

The fish needed more cooking, but the rice is perfect.

It's nice without condiments, I like eating light

That southern sense of humour ! You're in good form.

Everything okay with Maria ? No, I feel like I'm dying...

Alberto is vey interested in other people's feelings.

In fact I was telling him... Let him finish talking !

Go on, get it off your chest. Thanks.

I have a problem with Maria. -Just one ?

What a lucky couple.

Dashi ? -Shall we dash ? Where to ?

No, you sit down.

Shall we dash ?

No, let her go.

You were saying... eveything okay with Maria ?

I'm sad, how can it be okay ? Perfect, hold on...


Hey ?


I'm back. You packed it away ! lt wasn't me. lt's so fresh. Like it's been caught today.

You'll see, you'll enjoy your weekends in Milan too.

So sleepy, I suffer from narcolepsy, I'm going to bed.

You'll sleep with Chicco in the room at the end of the hall.

Mattia, it's great having you here. l like talking, sharing stories.

In fact... Good night !

-At the end of the hall... Chicco.

SORRY, I HAVE A MEETING SORRY, I WENT TO PILATES

''Sory, but I'm not brave enough.''

Thieves stole my car !

Thieves ! Is it daytime or night? lt's the street cleaners, 180 euros and they'll give it back.

180 euros ? May as well buy a newcar !

My dear workers, today is a great day for us and for the Italian postal service.

Our pilot project starts today.

I'm expecting a lot from you.

Are we ready to make Italy a better country ?

Do the honours, Colombo.

Pre-paid debit card: 1 minute, 23 seconds.

Great.

Account opening: 1 minute, 25 seconds.

Come on, Dodi !

Postal order: 1 minute, 27 seconds.

Special delivey: 1.50. Registered post: 1.27.

Keep it going !

Who's he ?

New employee on his first day, Mattia Volpe.

58 minutes late and he's eating a potato fritter.

No... it looks like a rice croquette.

That's a potato fritter. Exactly.

Colombo, go pounce on him. Me ?

Yes, I know it's not easy but pounce on him.

Of course.

You're late on your first day !

Impressive ! -Alberto !

Come on, lazybones ! You show up at this hour?

They took my car. lt's always someone else's fault ! Shame on you, loafer !

Please go to your position, window 11 and start working you're late enough !

Layabout !

Postal order: 1 minute, 12 seconds.

Hi, I'm Mattia Volpe. Okay.

Don't all rush to say hi. Registered post: 1.27.

l told him !

Good morning, who are you writing to ? lrrelevant question. Headphones on, dictate times. lt's 9:30 and there's a pretty lady who's... how old areyou ?

75.

You look younger, not a day over 50 ! ls this a rehab centre or a health centre ?

No, it's the post office. Exactly !

Be concise, quick, keep smiling.

Stamp the paper.

Mr Volpe, you now have a new customer, try to be more polite but brief.

-Just go. More natural.

Please... But firm.

-You're still here ? -Kinder.

I love you. -Firmer.

-You have to go. -That's no good.

No good, you have to be kind yet firm, natural but brief and at the same time clear, okay ?

Sorry, with all due respect... Can I go to the toilet ?

Is that really necessary ? A pee.

Help me, the north is worse than you thought !

Everyone rushes around all day here !

Where are they going ?

Have you seen Alberto ? Of course, he's everywhere !

But he's stressed, he has nervous tics.

Remember Alberto from Castellabate ?

He's a different man ! Liar. l want to save myself, l want to come back to Castellabate.

I'm going to resign.

You never grow up. Resign and you won't see us again !

No, Maria...

Remaining time: 9 seconds... 8...

7, 6, 5, 4...

Wash your hands to avoid contamination. Thanks.

-A coffee, please. -What kind ?

-What are the options ? Mochaccino... mocha-choc, americano...

Hazelnut, half-caf, iced, with ginseng or grappa. l'd recommend the Kafta.

It's a cappuccino-style espresso. -A glass of water.

Sparkling, still, room temperature ? Normal.

Milan has a real coffee culture. I can see that !

Sir? Come and meet our Dodi.

-Mattia, it's a pleasure, R. Dodi. Hi.

Her name's Dodi. But you said R. Dodi.

Dodi, but they call me ''our Dodi''.

Hi, I'm Sandrino and he's our Commisoni.

Why ''our Commisoni'' but you're just ''Sandrino'' ?

The speaker doesn't use ''our'' before their name.

I'm Alberto, but you'd call me ''our Alberto''. lf you're talking to her about me, you'd say: ''Our Alberto...''

-You'd say: ''Alberto'' to me. I see.

Hi, our Commisoni. -Without the ''our''.

Hi, Commisoni-without- the-our.

Hello ! Don't forget about our ''cler'' tonight. le Claire is the brunette at window 5 ?

He's crazy ! That's Betty, I must tell her ! ln Milan, ''cler'' means shutter.

There's a free table. Don't go.

Come with me to the square. To execute me ?

Sorry about this morning, the pilot project just started, the boss was with me and sorry about yesterday.

And about tomorrow and the next day, l get your drift.

Don't be silly, l was arguing with Silvia.

But it's resolved now, in fact, sorry about last night too.

-Why ? -The shouting must've woken you.

I didn't hear a thing yet I was awake all night, l was cying over Maria.

Do you like it? It's yours.

-Where does the fuel go ? It's electric.

I see. -You'll do the deliveries.

Here are the keys, the house ones are there too. l forgot to give them to you yesterday.

You had me so worried...

-Give me a hug. -What are you doing ?

-We're not in the south. -Why? In the north, don't they...

I'm joking, stupid.

Dirty southerners !

Today's my name day and Maria hasn't called me.

Nobody calls for that.

What do you know, maybe for him it's important.

More than birthdays. -You have to get a grip.

Step away from sorrow, put things in perspective.

Why should he do that? He's sensitive, romantic.

-What do you know? -What are you saying ?

Ever chained yourself up for love ? No, so shut up.

So I can't talk unless I chain myself up ?

Just shut up.

-'Night all. Later, uncle. -'Night, bro.

-Who's ''uncle'' ? -You, that's how kids speak.

Mattia, you've not eaten, that's no good.

My stomach's in knots, l can't eat.

You don't like veal shanks ? How about some sushi ?

No ! -What can I make for you ? l need something sweet to raise my blood pressure.

Like a nice puff pastry.

Got any ? Well, if you don't... -We do !

-Alberto will go get one. -At 10:00 at night ?

-Okay, I'll find one. -Alberto, listen.

There are two kinds: short-crust and rippled. Get me the first one...

Short crust.

lt's beautiful, you were right.

-What's it called ? ''Tears of Emotion''.

Does it have a sad ending ? Don't tell me. l found the short-crust pastry, outside Milan.

I'm full, I ate the veal shanks.

He likes veal shanks and romantic films !

My slippers ! l left mom's slippers for you, she has big feet too.

l just can't bear this...

Shall I stop it ?

Is it street-cleaning day? Is it daytime or night?

It's daytime. There you go !

You're such friendly folk ! l have to say it.

FREE NORTH

GET LOST

ls there something to sign for? I'm talking to you !

Are you dumb, poor lad !

Look here, it stinks of communism.

Must be a tax bill.

We work like slaves to pay the taxes for the south. lf I were the president, l'd get a big box, fill it with southerners and donate it to Spain or Greece.

But they're not stupid, they wouldn't want it.

Look: 6,400 euros, you think that's fair ?

Are you deaf too ?

You've lost all your senses !

Are you a Napoli FC fan ?

Giussano, get the southerner ! No, he respects him.

He's a Neapolitan mastiff, they get along.

What do you want? Get lost !

Traitor, you sold yourself out.

There's no point speaking Milanese, you can tell you're Neapolitan.

GO TO WORK, SOUTHERNER !


At this rate...

-Are you okay ? -Are you hurt?

Poor thing.

-Are you from Avellino ? Milan.

-Salerno ? Bergamo.

Battipaglia ? -Treviso.

-Are you from Naples ? No, Varese.

Are you going to beat me up ?

We've lost him !

-Who ? -Your friend's off the radar.

Do something, he'll mess up our averages !

Nevermind. Palmisani will kill us !

Maria has left me, l feel really lonely. l'd like some comfort, a few kind words.

Drink and forget your sorrows. I said kind words... but ones that I can understand.

What are you doing ?

Filling up.

I'm in trouble, you have to help me.

I've given you my house and my bike, you must do more than 4 deliveries a day.

Don't stress me out or I'll need sick leave.

Stress you out? What about me ?

A year of hellish work, weekends too. What should I do ?

Take sick leave.

I'm working my ass off, quit joking.

This project needs least one year. l have to finish it in two months.

Or Silvia will kick me out, give me a hand.

I'm asking you as a friend. -You can bank on me.

Meaning ?

Rest assured.

l can do 100 metres with one round !

You bet, it's got 22 gears !

The frame is carbon fibre. lt cost 6,000 euros plus tax l can't deduct.

Is there a curfew ? No, it's Sunday.

Milanese go to the mountains or lakes on weekends.

I don't like lakes, they're like a parody of the sea.

Good. Come on, the match is on. Go Milan !

We're A.C. Milan...

Napoli is in the lead...

Pass the ball, you're not alone.

Can't you see that player on the side is free ?

But... -Chicco, you have to be quiet.

When Napoli is playing you have to be quiet, you're distracting the players.

Lecce and Milan are still 0-0.

He's watching my HD TV and I'm listening to the match on the radio like in the 60s.

Come on, you'll feel younger and he'll cheer up.

He won't if Naples loses.

What do you know about football...

The whistle goes, it's a penalty kick...

Ours or theirs ?

Now it's over to Naples. Fucking hell !

Goal ! Chicco, goal !

Now you can talk, say ''goal''.

Goal !

Don't disturb him. Your coffee, Mattia. lf your mom finds out, she'll kill us.

-She'll kill you. It's the goal replay.

Lecce is in the lead against Milan.

-We can't lose against Lecce. Lucky we didn't watch Milan.

Lecce beats Milan at home.

-What are you doing ? Be quiet.

We agreed that he'd sleep on the sofa.

At night I cry over Maria and he needs to rest and get up for school.

Wake up !

Is it an earthquake ? Worse.

He's put Chicco on the sofa to sleep.

He said they agreed. If they agreed... lt's cold on the sofa it's full of dust mites!.

No, mom came by, she killed all of them.

Just one night on the sofa !

My son will not sleep on the sofa.

Okay, go and get Chicco and you sleep on the sofa.


lt's late, it's 11:00.

You'd rather play hard than work hard.

Sorry, I don't speak Chinese.

Where are you from ?

Near Naples. Near Nepal ?

Goto hell. Dunno...

-Say again ? -Saigon ? No, Naples.

Goodbye.

Why don't we organize a dinner ?

The 23rd ? No, the 25th or 26th.

No, I can do the 4th. 12th ?

The 19th. The 22nd ?

All set forth for 22nd.

I mean tonight. -Tonight?

Are you crazy?

Okay, let's do the 22nd around 21:00 - 21:30 ?

Sorry, 21:00 or 21:30 ? There's a difference.

Forget it, we'll just meet for Christmas...

It's so far in advance, I'll forget. Put it in your diary.

I don't have one. -You don't ?

-You're crazy ! Is it essential ?

You've booked two meetings at the same time.

To save time. Don't be late, Silvia'll be waiting.

Our Silvia. -Well done.

Unbelievable.

Where the hell is he ? l can't believe he's not answering.

He must be in a meeting. -Always a meeting ! ln Milan one person equals a meeting.

He works because he loves you. Right !

Come on, Chicco !

There's something wrong.

Our relationship used to be so passionate.

Now it's as exciting as cleaning out a closet. lt's not his fault it's the project's. lt's rough to work every Saturday for a year.

Oh please, it's for two months.

Nonsense, it's for a year. No, it's two...

A year.

He's making all these sacrifices for you.

You're a liar and a bastard, I can't take it anymore !

Liar !

You can hear the sea, you can really hear the sound...

You've got a good football shot.

A bit wonky.

Not wonky, it's a special effect.

You're a bastard. Enough ! I've had enough !

You'll work Saturdays for a year.

Not two months ! I was going to tell you.

Coward. How could I ? He's always around.

Leave Mattia out of it, he knows what love means unlike selfish you. And you promised we'd do Tango lessons.

But I've got the pilot project. I'll give you a project...

How about this: I want 600 euros a month in alimony, 450 euros for the mountain house you can see Chicco on alternate weekends and take him to football on Thursday and music on Friday.

You'll pay the house tax, I'm keeping the car and the 6-speed hairdryer is mine !

Mine ! Okay, but where are you going ?

-To my mother's. Bye, Chicco.

Bye, dad. See you soon.

Sunday. Not this weekend, No.

You're a sad and grey man.

And it's not the smog that makes you grey.

Look what I've done.

I didn't mean to, believe me.

Chin up, the first day is the worst.


Don't be sad, the second day is the worst.

-What are you doing ? -Sit-ups.

-Are you okay ? Never been better.

Are you sure ?

I don't feel sorry for myself, I'm a tough Alpine soldier.

I'm positive. -About what?

This, for example. To hell with grandma's slippers.

I don't like goldfish. Same here.

You know, I'll play the field again.

Right, go back to bed, rest first.

I'm talking about pulling women.

Looking for pussy. -You're hurting me.

Living.

We can talk about it at the office.

I'm not going in, I'm busy. Say hi to everyone.


Are you ready for Milan by night ?

You're married. Not anymore.

Don't even joke about it.

You like it ?

Is it a wedding ? No, it's the famous 'aperitif'.

You pay for a glass of wine and eat all you can.

-This used to be my dinner. I'll start then.

-Are there any ''peps'' ? -What are they?

Peppers.

Where's your buffet ticket ?

Since when ? Since people starting overdoing it.

The 80s are over, dude. How much is it?

20 euros per head.

-We were... I've lost my appetite.

Even better than I remembered it.

-She said hello. -That's just the start.

Look at those two, they're ours. You choose.

Green or grey one ?

There's one small detail. Such a defeatist southerner.

Forget details, it's full of women. Watch !

Excuse me...

-That was the small detail. I'll call Patty and Lolly.

Two old schoolmates, you'll see.

We'll stay up till dawn.

Patty, it's Alberto.

Don't you remember? Colombo, from class 5D ! l was thinking of a reunion tonight, are you free ?

The kids have a fever ?

How many do you have ? They're not yours.

You're a grandma.

Remember wild Lolly ? Do you still see her ? How is she ?

She's got arthritis.

Have a good evening, say hi to your grand kids and Lolly.

-You see those two ? There are three of them.

Go and dance with them. Can you dance ?

Are you joking ?

Those moves are 50 years old !

What's up, ladies ?

What's up ?

Your wife left you, right?

Mattia, it's wonderlul !

Mattia, jump in !

Who is that jerk ?

Hell, these southerners come here to dance their folk dance.

As soon as they see a pool with a bit of water they jump in to wash up...


We've got it wrong. It's a woman's diatribe.

Colours are washed at 30 C, whites at 90 C.

We separated the colours...

And washed them together. At 90 C.

Too much rinse agent. The rinse agent !

I told you. I'll call Maria.

She's very good. -and Silvia...

I know I shouldn't call you but I have an important question.

Are we together or not ?

I don't want to end up like Alberto.

He's a really sad case.

Well ?

It's engaged ! Where are you ?

In a meeting, but it doesn't matter. Answer this question: are we together or not?

I'm in a meeting !

Sorry, I'm in a bad way. I can see that.

But he seemed happy about his wife leaving.

That's called repression. -You don't need to tell me.

Repression is a typical Milanese thing.

Looking at you, I'd say Neapolitan too.

You give the bad news, I'll give the gift.

Naples, we must reschedule the dinner.

Right, how silly of me !

Reschedule dinner, change date. Here's a gift, so you'll forgive us.

''Teach yourself Milanese''. Book and DVD. ''Cler'' is in there.

Thanks, I was looking for one.

I'm not going !

Alberto has gone mad.

He doesn't want to meet the guys from Padua ! lf Palmisani finds out, he'll melt him in stamp acid.

You go, they never met Colombo.

I can't cope with them too... -Why not ? l should risk my ass for him ?

Where are you going ?

Why don't you go ?

-Yes. -Are you joking ?

Not at all. I don't know how to work it out.

Eveyone knows l can't cope with responsibility, my wife said so too.

I don't do it on purpose, it's a personality thing.

Teach yourself Milanese: Lesson one.

My name is Mario.

The book is on the table.


Is he from Naples ? Dunno !

Queuing at the post office is a personal defeat for me.

Poor thing, he's not well.

You're wondering why you should work faster.

For love ! Efficiency at work means fewer divorces.

Moron !

Calm down.

Calm down.

Okay, let's make an agreement.

I'll say this nonsense, you listen and go home to your own divorce.

Well said.

Do you get my drift ?

He's got it.

He was really very good.

Excuse me, are you Alberto Colombo ?

The manager of Milano 3 ? -Yes.

I'm not blind, you were bald. l had a transplant.

Yes.

So you are Alberto Colombo.

Remember me ? Of course ! lt's so good to see you, I'm so happy.

Not as happy as me.

They sent me to Grignano Polesine because of you !

You don't even know where it is !

There's no respect for disabled folk.

Want some pasta with tuna ?

I've already eaten.

Put your slippers on or you'll ruin the floor.

Silvia'll be mad if she comes back. She won't come back.

And if she does, I'll get mad.

Silvia !

Tidy up.

-May I ? -Come in, Scapece.

Dear Mr Manager. Come in, Scapece.

Hi.

Isn't Mr Manager handsome ? l have to kiss him.

You're too handsome.

Why are you in Milan with my keys ?

He has to get his gallstones checked out so I gave him the keys.

He says his gallstones are the size of meatballs.

I don't understand. He said they actually are meatballs.

Have you eaten ? Want somefood ?

-We're in hospital ? No, we're hospitable.

Hospitable.

Is it good ?

Yes, it's good, but I've already eaten.

Mom made me an omelette l ate at the station.

How old is your mother?

-Who else has the keys ? Did you make copies ?

No. No one. lt's Silvia then. Out, to the hotel, come on !

Erminia. Hi, baldy.

Where's Silvia's pepper spray ? There's a madman about.

I don't know. -You never know anything.

-What's all this ? I was about to...

Nonsense !

To clean up here you need to throw everyhing out.

Starting from you, I told Silvia...

She married a filthy southerner.

But I was born in Rozzano. -And where is Rozzano ? ln the south of Milan, so ? The Milanese are in Milan, the Turinese are in Turin and southerners are... a pain in the ass !

Did you steal my slippers ?

No. -You're a wretch, unbelievable.

Here it is, you see ? Who are you ?

-A friend. Is that so ?

I don't understand. -Where are you from ?

I'm from North Chiasso.

-What about you ? Hello, I'm Scapece from Aosta.

They were just leaving, they came to visit.

How's Silvia ? Never been better !

You should see her in action with Manolo.

-Who's Manolo ? Her Tango teacher.

He really is a handsome man, not like you.

-Where's Mr Trout ? Disappeared.

Along with the bowl.

What's this ?

Meatball shaped gallstones, like mine.

-Whose are they? In all modesty, they're mine.

Wonderful, you're full of stones.


I'm going for a walk.

Wait, I'll come too.

-Where are we going ? -You're not going anywhere.

Your friend two families yours and mine.

Be gone by the time I get back, all of you.

Chin up, the third week is the worst.


Silvia, you're back !

Help, I'm a virgin !

Speak clearly, we're abroad.

Fuck you ! l understood that.

He says he doesn't care about what we do at night, it's our business.

Get down ! -What are we doing ?

You made me lose Silvia, now get her back.

By doing what ? See that ugly old lady ?

Put your balaclava on and steal her handbag.

-You're crazy. Why ?

That's your mother-in-law.

Mugging your mother-in-law ? I need the house keys.

I'm sexier than Manolo... I don't know how to mug.

You're from Naples !

If I were in Baghdad would I bomb the market?

I have to do everything.

What are you doing ? I'll do it.

So you do know how to do it !

Tramp ! Thief!

Holy cow, take that !

I'll kill you like a cockroach.

There he is !

I'm from Naples, but I didn't...

Mattia, wait for me.

Enough, we have to stop that madman.

He should be castrated. Let's impale him.

Calm down, ladies. Let's find him first.

Please excuse me.

Is that your husband ? No, I don't think so.

They'll batter us, run !

Miss ?

One moment, sir, I'm busy.

Where's Alberto ?

He's mugging someone. Funny...

This is mayhem, no one knows what to do.

But I won't save his ass this time.

Dodi, how can you paint your nails now ? Look !

You Milanese folk only know how to work, so why stop today?

Alberto has a problem, his wife left him.

If he carries on like this, he'll get fired.

Let's all try to help him. That's what we'd do in the south.

We'll do that in the north too. Come on everyone, get to work.

Here they are. What a wonderful story !

The south helps the north, the north helps the south.

What shall we do now ? Sing the Italian anthem ?

I'm so moved that I'm going to fire you both.

A postman who pretends he's a manager and has a fight with an employee... Why ?

He didn't know about it. It was my idea.

lt was definitely a bad idea.

So I'll just fire you.

He said so himself, Mr Palmisani he made a mistake.

He's an impulsive guy, and generous too.

He's a fan of the pilot project. Him ?

I like it a lot. He came from the south especially.

He and Marchionne are... Marchionne's my pal.

Caspar, Marchionne and Balthasar at the living nativity scene in Castellabate...

Let's carry on as we are. The project is on schedule.

You decide who'll do what, I don't care.

What I care about is that we're about to have the mother of all meetings with representatives from the south, who are raging bulls.

If you mess up there...

Well, if you mess up there...

Sorry, Alberto. I'm sorry.

I was confused.

No, we have to stop. I can't go any further.

I've never asked you... How do you like Milan ?

Castellabate is a village, this is a big city. l need time to get used to it, not long... 6, 7 years.

Well, do you like it or not?

Not at the moment, no offence meant.

I won't take offence. Even the Milanese criticise Milan.

But lots of people come and only a few leave. Know why?

Because Milan offers opportunities. You can grow here, if you want to.

You feel alive, right ? You know how that song goes ?

Far from Naples you'll die but they all come here to Milan.

Come on !

I'm sory about what happened with Silvia.

Believe me, I didn't mean it. It's my fault.

I should've turned that project down.

Sometimes I have this sense of duty, it seemed so important.

Maybe because my dad was an Alpine soldier.

My dad is unemployed. Permanently unemployed.

How are things with Maria ?

-She finally spoke to me. -What did she say?

No.

But it wasn't the usual ''no''.

It was ''no'', but it was like... -Yes ?

No, or I would've said ''yes''. It was ''no'' like...

-What did she say ? I don't know.

All I know is that I have to stop crying.

Our jobs are all we have left.

Let's make sure we don't lose ours.

Okay, good night.

Alberto. What is it ?

Can I sleep on the other side ? -Why ?

Because the window's there, I need air.

I've slept on this side for 20 years.

Try sleeping over here.

You might like it better...

There's Chicco's bed, you loved that.

But my feet stick out.

What is it? l forgot my pillow, can I have that one ? lt's softer, you see. This one's too firm.

'Night.

Come on, we've got work tomorrow.

What ? l wanted to say goodnight.

Today's meeting is important, will this do ?

Yes, it'll look great. lt makes you look authoritative, it's perfect.

No, Alberto, you're the manager.

Palmisani said you'd do the meetings.

You convinced him with the story of the nativity scene.

Are you sure ?

Let's not argue over nonsense. I'm love-sick.

Thanks.

There's a building meeting today.

The neighbours repainted their facade.

We should too.

It meant so much to Silvia. Can you go for me ?

I can't just show up... -You can go by proxy. Thanks.

Oh, get some ''Mu'' yoghurt, it's the only one Chicco eats. And on Thursday there's...

Give me your diary, I can't remember everything.

It's in my jacket pocket.

But you don't have to do everything, I'll take your diary...

The first free day is when I die.

Is this today ? -Yes.

What a tough day !


Bovisa's scored three goals !

Three goals for Bovisa !

Hey, Mattia. Are you nuts ?

You took out a mortgage for me ?

For your new facade, your neighbours will die of envy !

Let's get out of the road. I'm going to work.

He just turned Milanese and he's already irritating me.

Relax, you only think about work.

I'm meeting the southern representatives and I want to impress them.

-What shall we call him ? -Who ?

The new gold fish. It's not easy.

A name is for life. lt took Silvia and I 9 months to choose ourson's.

We made lists evey day. And in the end...

You called him Chicco. Is that short for... ?

No, it's Chicco. That's his legal name.

9 months to come up with Chicco ?

You called yours Edinson, after a footballer.

-What if it was a girl ? Pocha.

Well, goodnight.

Hello ? Sorry it's late.

-Who is it ? Alberto Colombo from Milan.

What happened to Mattia ?

Who is it? It's Mattia, I need to talk to you.

Alberto has changed his ways.

Mattia's changed, he works hard, he's more responsible.

He even took out a mortgage for me.

Tell me, did he ask you to tell me this ?

No, it's all true.

And I can assure you, believe me, he'd love to go to the Alpine party with you.

Mattia, listen, it's late.

We'll talk some other time, okay? Bye, thanks.

Let me sleep.

Do you miss daddy ? -Yes.

Goodbye.

Thanks, Costabile. Bye, Orlando.

''Meeting with Southern offices, speaker: Mattia Volpe.''

That's impossible. Why ?

Alberto called me last night, he said Mattia's changed.

He works day and night now. People can change.

People can change, Mattia can't. He can.

In Milan you can change, it's not like here.

Eveyone works there. Everything's perfect, it's all modern.

And even Mattia can get ahead.

Look at this.

Love is love but this seems fishy! to me.

Remember when we helped Alberto and Silvia ?

Action ! Go, go !

They want to do the same thing to make us believe that in Milan Mattia's changed.

-You're a genius. -You're a mess.

-What are you saying ? -Yes, he's right.

Good morning, ma'am.

Alberto wants to return Mattia's favour.

Only a mother truly knows her son.

And ?

And ?

-And this is a farce ! -You see ?

My son won't change.

Everyone can change, even Mattia.

Here's an idea: let's go to Milan.

To Milan ? The trip's paid for.

They even have a great school for stutterers there.

-You stutter fine as it is. -Always room for improvement.


What are you looking at?

The big suitcase.

The blue suitcase.

The red suitcase.

We're almost done.

Here. Oh no, this is the kid.

Porter !

Look over there !

Blacks dressed as executives instead of picking tomatoes !

They do that to make us believe evey one can do well, even Mattia.

But we're not stupid. Leave it to me.

Ma'am ! I'll check it out.

Young men, are you taking us for a ride ?

We don't have rings through our noses. Look at them...

Never seen her before !

Stay close, let's stick together.

Look, he must be talking to an accomplice.

An accomplice ?

What a surprise !

A woman taxi driver.

This is too much ! Our farce was better.

If you want a city to have a modern image, be credible.

A woman driving ataxi is a bit over the top.

Milan is light years ahead, women even kiss women here.

Right, miss ? -Yes, it's true.

Thanks, ma'am.

Thanks, buddy.

Via Mecenate 235.

Oh, she's turned the meter on, this is a real farce.

They use them in Milan. Seatbelts on, please.

In the back too. -Yes, it's the law.

''The law...''

She must be Alberto's cousin. Just look at her ears.

Eveyone's wearing helmets.

They think we were born yesterday.

That's true, they all wear helmets in Milan.

Even on bicycles ?

They'll start wearing helmets when they walk too.

There they are.

You need a helmet in Milan.

She's right, they throw rocks off bridges. Don't they, miss ?

Yes...

Look at her ! Unbelievable !

Good show, we believe you !

Look, all in single file, all in order.

We should call child protection services !

Milanese doors !

Ma'am, it's 24 euros.

Of course get your friends to pay you.

Excuse me, it's 24 euros.

You want to earn money with this farce. How awful !

No, you're crazy. You have to pay me.

It's useless, just accept the facts. You're no good at acting.

Porter, our luggage, please.

It's hard to explain the happiness of efficiency.

And even more, the efficiency of happiness.

But today I have the right man here, a man who came from the south, a man who found glory in the north, the hard-working Mattia Volpe.

My dear friends, this project has three extraordinay values, in which I profoundly believe.

Number one: efficiency.

Two: readiness.

Three: punctuality.

Efficiency, punctuality... -You were right.

-Just as I thought... They're all in on it.

I've tried it.

Registered post in 1 minute, 50 seconds is a thrill.

Son-of-a-bitch.

Too much northerness at once, all we need is fog and Alpine soldiers.

There's one.

Take that off!

Maria ! -You look ridiculous. lt's between me and Alberto. How are you ?

Stop it, I'm not stupid.

Castellabate could be the Far West but Mattia could never work like a Milanese person.

-And so ? I nearly fell for it.

But you're no good at farces. Liar !

Farces ?

Farces ? So even Alberto...

Efficiency, readiness, punctuality.

Enough of this bullshit.

Shame on you.

-Who is this mad woman ? -Shut your mouth !

Drop dead.

I'm from the south like you and I know post offices are full of elderly folk passing their time. lt's full of emotions, of couples who go there to talk, to hear a comforting word.

So this project won't work in the south.

Go up there, now !

This project won't work in the south !

Calm down !

Stay here.

I'm a postman like you and I'm from the north. lt's not true that this project won't work in the south.

This project won't work in the north or in the rest of Italy !

And how do I know ?

I realised when I started taking time for myself and living.

And I rediscovered the things I love.

What did I say ?

-What a slap ! Holy Mary !

It's over for you at the post office. I can assure you.

Cut it out, buffoon ! -Well said, Maria !

They could have chosen a less idiotic-looking chief.

You're Colombo's terrible wife. I'll sue you.

I'm scared !

Did they hire a helicopter too ? So it was true ?

-What have we done ? It wasn't a farce !

-You talk to Mattia and Alberto. No, you do it.

-What shall we do ? Let's go !

Come on, I know a place where they'll never find us.

I've lost everything: my job, my wife...

I've lost my friends and mother. Could it be any worse ?

No.

Here you are.

Because of you I was sent to Ariano Irpino.

-Which one of you is Colombo ? Him !

Shame on you !


It's nice here.

We pay for a house here but nevercome.

Why are we here ?

I'm paying for a house, I have the right to see it.

This is where I met Alberto.

You know, I met Silvia here.

I met Mattia on the beach. He was always sun-bathing.

Maria's prettier now than when I met her.

I can't imagine him working day and night.

What about me ? Now that Alberto wants more free time he might be at home more, glued to me, with hobbies...

I want to spend more time with Silvia, and at home.

I'll find a hobby or I'll learn to cook.

Maria. What is it ?

Tell me it's not true. -What ?

Hooray for the Alpine soldiers !

Holy Mary !

He's an Alpine soldier now too ?

Hooray for the Alpine soldiers !

Sorry.

You look so handsome !

Hey, drink up.

I don't drink.

You can't say no to Alpine soldiers, they'll get offended.

Well, the north isn't so cold, is it?

It's like being in Castellabate. All that's missing is the sea.

-What's up ? I think I drank too much.

I saw my mom hugging Scapece dressed as an Alpine soldier.

Really ? As an Alpine soldier ? That's brilliant !

Polenta !


Erminia, your blood pressure's lovely.

No, yours is lovelier.

To hell with work, I'll stay home all day, I promise.

Slow down. In what way ?

All day is too much.

Only you could be beautiful in every single city.

In Castellabate in Milan, and here !too.

Idiot !

When I come home I'll take out a mortgage !

You said ''mortgage''.

Fixed-rate mortgage, flexible mortgage...

This is flexible.

lt's your turn.

Come and see.

How beautiful !

-The north is beautiful too. -Wow.

Holy Mary !

MILAN, ONE MONTH LATER Eat your little salad.

You always say little salad, little drink, little coffee... In Milan everything's little.

But you call a cappuccino a ''cappuccio''.

These are veal shanks. I know.

This is pork stew. I know.

-This is a cutlet. I know.

-You know everything. I've been here ages.

It's not my fault you're only welcoming me now.

True, we haven't welcomed you officially yet.

Mattia, welcome to the north. Welcome, Mattia.

-A bit late, but I'm happy. -We're not like you southerners.

You go into people's houses, take everything and hang cheeses.

But you Milanese don't let anyone in, you send them straight to the hotel.

He didn't even spend one night there !

Say goodbye to the north, Mattia.

Goodbye. What's this ?

Castellabate ?

The post office fired Palmisani so I asked a favour.

In the end you got rid of me. You're brilliant.

I get my bed back.

This is a really typical Milanese dinner.

Not because we're eating veal shanks and cutlets but because only in Milan do you welcome someone and say goodbye.

To save time, I know.

To Mattia ! To Castellabate !

We have to pay the bill. The bill !

What did you have ? l shared the stew with Ciaparat.

A dessert and water. The usual, 22.50.

Half of Sandrino's stew, polenta, veal shanks, wine and coffee.

16.67. Alberto ?

Veal shanks, stew, salad, water and wine.

Okay, water and wine... That's 15 euros. l had veal shanks too, stew, potatoes, water and wine.

That's 46.80. But we all had the same.

Well someone has to pay for the wine. Mattia ?

Well... I had a cutlet, a spoonful of Ciaparat's dessert, four glasses of water, one coffee with four sugars and a bite of a sandwich.

And I looked at the meat the man at the next table was eating.

You always have to be...

Let's do it Neapolitan-style, one pays for all.

A round of applause for Alberto.

Thanks, Alberto.

I'm joking, it's my turn to pay tonight.

So I put it in first ?

Make sure that the bone is cut in the narrowest part and that it's full of marrow.

I'll post you some.

I'll send you something nice too:

''Tears of Emotion 2'' in 3D.

-Will it make me cry? -You won't stop...

Isn't it a lovely day ? Is it day time or night ?

Say goodbye to Erminia.

This is for Edinson and this is for Castellabate.

Will you send me a Napoli championship T-shirt ?

No, it's bad luck to say that. Take it over there.

You'll jinx us.

I'll say bye to Maria for you.

It's a man to man thing. -Yes, I'll leave you.

I wanted to tell you that with a manager's wage you'll easily get a mortgage.

I'm a manager ?

No. You've become responsible, but don't exaggerate.

Maria, I had her promoted. Maria is...

Happy ?

Talking of responsibility, there's something I must tell you.

Remember the goldfish ? Mr Trout ? God rest his soul.

He ended up in the sushi. -You ate him ? With rice ?

Not me, you.

Anyway...

I think you have to go.

I love you.

Same here. Loads.