Bernie (1996) Script


Mr. Directorr, I hearby rezign.

What does this mean?

I just want to go see the world.

You've always lived here, Bernie.

Only 12 years. That ain't always.

Come on, Bernie.

As a kid you were already with us.

How will you manage out there?

Like the others.

You're different.

You stayed here after you turned 18, for a good reason.

I stayed here because I had a job.

It shows I'm smart.

The nerds who left, are all on the dole.

Then why leave?

Won't you tell me?

I'm needed.

By who? You've no family.

I know. I just want to be on the move.

The orphanage ain't everything.

For 12 years you saved every penny of your wages.

Now you withdraw it all. In cash.


You know how much that is?

I know... it's not much.

It'll tide me over for a few days.

Then it's the dole.

If you ever have any problem you can come back here.

To the office?

No... the orphanage.

Godspeed, Bernie.

So, it's your Big Day?

Found a better job?


Wait, let me guess.


Test pilot...


Beware success...

It might get to you!

You won't last a week.

It's called a bus.

Used for transportation.

You'll find one with lots of wheels, called a train.

Underground, it's the subway.

That'll be home: The best place for panhandling.

Apartment to let

This one's 1.100 square feet.

Lots of sun, quiet, newly renovated... lf... there are other people. Is it big enough?

Other people?

What people?

People like you.

Company owners?

No, no... Old people.

Listen, I don't think you can pay 15.000 a month in rent.

Now, it's late and I've appointments.

Would this do?

Can you do 2 months up front? Sure.

Don't tell me where the money's from.

Here's the deal: Give me 6 months rent in cash and you've got the place. Deal?


Could you tell the viewers who you are?

My name is Bertrand Valois, I'm 35, I love labradors, and as you all know, I'm a congressman because I believe in mankind.

Sophocles, here, is my dog. A 5 year old labrador.

For traveling, a compact's better.

For engagements, weddings, births... a heavy cheap one will do.

Now, if you travel with your family for a wedding:

Either one'll do.

May I ask what you wish to film?




Okay, I get it.

You'll need extra equipment: Light, a stand, and a wired mike.

If you're in the "things": A remote.

For many people: A wide angle.

Many people?

Maybe some old people...

Old people!

Some people in this country are in distress:

Homeless... outcasts... the overlooked of all kinds.

I know the future cannot happen without them.

We must take them in.

Take them in... open our arms. Yes: Open our arms.

That's my struggle: Opening my arms!

What about me?

My name is Bernie Christmas.

I'm 29... going on 32.

I'm a congressman!

I have a cat. Momo.

Momo's been a cat for several years.

He is also a feline.

This is Momo.

An easy cat to... an easy cat to feed.

An easy compact cat to travel with.

I'm Bernie Christmas and I like hyenas.

Because nobody ever talks about them, when hyenas are very important.

Being a friend of a hyena is better than being a friend... of real friends. Hyenas protect you.

Some danger comes up? You go: "I'm with a hyena!"

And then, it's like...

Actually, my real name isn't Bernie Christmas.

Bernie's the name of the person that found me.

Christmas is the season in which he did.

I never found out what happened when I was born.

I've asked for my file for years, but they never give it to me.

For my own good!

When they don't even know me!

That's something else!

This proves what I always thought.

There's a mystery around my birth.

But not for long!

We're Tuesday, and all is well.

Today's the 1 st day.

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry.

Bernie Christmas

I went out for a stroll, and got some information on my file.

I now know a bit more.

It seems I was found when I was 2 weeks old, on the...

Seems I was found when I was 2 weeks, in a...

The police report gives no explanation.

Just the address.

They say it's a bad place.

I'm starting to get what really happened.

Garbage cans, some aren't that dirty.

Filled with cotton it makes a nice crib.

Careful. You're handling that as though it's...


A garbage can?

What's it to you?

No filming here. I'm not filming.

I said no filming!

Some problem, Bernie?

No, no... no problem.

Teaching me how to take garbage out.

What now?

You didn't speak to the cops?

What's this banana oil?

30 years ago, when you found the baby.

What are Social Services up to?

Lettin' just anybody go through the files?

I'm not just anybody. I'm the baby.

Even more so, you should never have got to me.

I deny everything.

What you gonna do?

Beat me up?


I get beat every week.

It'll just mean some extra days off.

What're you doing?

I never get the beak!

Fuckin' whacko!

Ain't so proud anymore?

Ain't so proud! Stop.

Your parents...

She had him knock her up

'cause she thought he was loaded.

It was all a crock of shit.

He was a mythomaniac.

They were always fighting.

When you were born, it got worse.

I went to get the Christmas Eve garbage, and you flew out the chute.

I called the cops. Said I found you outside, in the garbage.

There was some inquiry, but since nobody asked for you, you went to Social Services.

Believe me, couldn't be worse than your parents.

They ran away that very night.

Should be thankin' me, not gobbling my birds.

What was their name?

I can't remember.

Honest! Nice cat.

It was Willis.

Come here, Kiki, come here.

You got a good accent.

You say my parents threw me in the chute?

They hated one another, and you paid for it. A classic.

Rich Americans flee without their baby.

You didn't find that weird?

What? Kidnapping.

Kidnapping exists, don't it?

Kidnapping? Kidnapping.

Yeah... Now that you mention it, yeah.

There were odd things happening with your parents.

And, I mean, they really cared about you a lot.

Messy business. Be careful.

Don't you take me for a moron!

Where was it?

Don't worry, he won't be long.

He wants to visit his childhood room.

What? Hello. Sorry to disturb you.

You lived here 30 years ago?

Depends... What's it about?

Did you know a person named Willis?

Willis? Wait... Wait...

You knew him?

No, not at all.

I'm sorry.

What'd he want? He's lookin' for Willis.

You know him? Of course.

One of the turnpike bums.

I went up there one night, with some friends: We kicked ass.

Who do I see but Donald Willis!

My old neighbor.

Nearly didn't recognize him.

A bum... a lush... a wreck.

I gotta say he was worse off when we left.

That was one cool evening.

You slipped?

Today's the 2nd day.

It's 11:23 and all is well.

I've confirmation. Kidnappers got my parents and tried to kill me.

Probably the Mob.

They got rid of the bodies.

Tortured 'em and got rid of the bodies.

That explains it.

My father was a rich American.

What's a rich American doing in this dump?

I don't know.

But he fell victim to some bad business.

I dunno who the enemy fuckers are, but they're bad fuckers. Hurting a baby!

My name ain't mine, so now I'll be John Fitzgerald.

I'm gonna go back apologize to the janitor.

I didn't find no yellow birdie, but I got better.

A big, colorful one.

Abandoned in a park! People abandon even birds!


No surprise I'm foreign.

I always felt different than the others.

Actually, I'm not an other.

That's what great.

Sophie, it's me.

Just gorgeous.

Dope's a nightmare...

When you ain't got none!

Wow! Sure beats AZT.

Who's that?

Don't know him.

Smile, hon', you got yourself a beau.

Fuck this shit.

Sir, please! Can I go?

Sir, please!

Listen, Bozo.

I get whackos like you all day. So fuck off, or I shove roses up your ass!

Who's that? Been tailin' me.

Please, just move away.

Why? Danger?

No danger, just get outta here.

Danger! I'll protect you.

Buzz off...

I'll come get my order some other time.

Wait, sir. Climb back in your pile of junk!

Who told you? Who told you?

French fucker!

Ain't so proud anymore?

Stop! He's a cop.

He came by lookin' for a guy.

I'm no cop. I was lookin' for my father.

Your father?

The bum's your dad?

The bum?

You are the son of that shit.

He's alive?

You'll only make it in time for the autopsy!

Looking for Mr. Willis.

Up there.

Looking for Mr. Willis.

It's me.

It's me!

Fuck, it's me!

It's not too hot?

Hiding for 30 years. Them fuckers are no jokers!

I got here just in time: Your cover's up.

I was told by the guy who found me... in the thing. Don't be afraid: I'm here now.

I'm gonna help. Help pull you through.

Funny, I pictured you bigger.


All is well.

Dad's sleeping.

Feels funny him being here.

Now it's like I'm two.

If there's danger,

we'll be two.

The danger'll be the others among us.

I wanna ask what's been buggin' me.

What's my name?

No sweat. It'll come back.

As a baby, was I cute?

I knew it.

It's weird none of your gang came help you!

The enemy fuckers are no jokers. Huh?

I want to ask something... painful.

It's about mom.

They get her too? She disappeared?

You know where she's at?


Go on with tea, I shall catch some sun.

All right, love.

Again? Maria, be careful.

Bad luck. I got a spade.

And another...

And another.


The fuckers. No escaping this place, huh?

Show me mom and I'll get her. Okay?

We caught 'em off guard.

Maria, what did you break now?

This time I'm not to blame.

Drop that spoon!

She here?




What do you want?

Oh! Ain't you real surprised?

Who is it? I'm at home, all innocent.

What do they want?

I know nothing.

Can someone answer me? That her?


It's me.

I'm gonna save you.

But... but, you're mad!

Let go of me!

Let go of me.

Who are you?

What's happening?

Donald. Is that you? What's going on?

What's going on?

It's the kid.

The kid?

She cracked.

Fuckers! What'd they do to her?

Fuckers! What'd you do to her?

Answer, or I'll hit you.

Who are you?

The garbage chute baby!

The baby made it!

Here's from J. F. W.!


Fucker! Baby-hurter!

I gotta see the tapes!

It can't be you, it can't!

We looked all over. The cans were gone.

Didn't the drop kill you?

Willis said you were burnt with the garbage.

It can't be... Don't worry, mom.

I know everything.

Rest. I'll leave you with dad.

Donald, I'll give you everything.

100.000 in cash.

I've got bonds if you want. I'll transfer them to your name.

Let's butt-fuck!

Dad was great.

We'll be some revenge team!

I think a kid brother's on the way.

I'm happy.

Hi, mom.

I'll make up for what happened.

2 million and all is forgotten. Cash.

I have a safe. One call and the deal is done.

What're you sayin', mom? It's me.

The nightmare's over.

Dad's shook up too.

The fuckers screwed you up.

What fuckers?

Yeah. Let's never talk of them fuckers.

You mind if I don't clean my room?

Can you iron this for me?

You know, kiddo, your dad and I might not stay together for long.

Last night he hit me.

Of course.

Didn't you hear? He hit me!


People hit when they love.

People who love me hit me.

Once there were 6 of them. With a saw.


'Cause I was little.

I hit the littler ones.

And how's life?

You have a job?

The dole. Great!

And a wife? Do you have a wife?

Well, it's in the making.

That's wonderful!

I want to see her. Really?

Yes! Let's have her over for dinner tonight.

Will tonight be okay? I dunno.

What's her name? I dunno.

You don't know her name?

I wanted to ask you. What's my name?

John Fitzgerald. Or so you said.

The name you gave me.

Oh, well... Your father was Donald, so...


You had such great big ears!

And, it's... American.

Me, I prefer John Fitzgerald.

Honey, if you're used to J.F., stick to J.F.

I don't mind.

No, parents choose names. Mickey's great.

Mickey, I'd love to meet Minnie.

Minnie. Mickey's girlfriend.

Just tell her to come.

You know what?

I'll handle everything.

I can go do the shopping.

I'll buy cheese.

I don't know if it's safe.

Don't you worry.

He's right. It ain't safe.

The thief slept well?

I'll ask her!

Hi, it's Mickey Willis.

I'm giving you this tape to thank you, because it's thanks to you we're reunited.

Let me introduce my parents. Dad, mom... And we'd like to invite you for dinner.

So, if it's okay, when you see the tape, we'd like you to be here.

It was Mickey Willis and family.

You've gotta see this. It's wild!

What's this mean?

I had to go shopping.

With my money.

You know I'm on the dole.

On the dole since how many bottles?

I drink, you don't fix.

I can pay for my vice.

When you can, then we'll talk.

What're you doing? Rehab'.

Be careful, you slut.

You gonna give me your cancer?

Let us all live together!

It's me.

Holy fuck.

Sorry, but I wanted to know if dinner's on?

Is it important to you?

My parents'll be there. My mom wants to meet you.

What'll you give me to come?

Whatever you want.

You got money? Yeah!

Like everybody else.

I only do dinner.

Like us, that's what's gonna be great.

What's your name? Dinner, no talkin'.

Flowers? Swell change from my job!

As usual.

Slow down, I can't manage.

A druggie?

I'm gonna be one too!

Now, I'll be hard to follow.

Out for a ride?


I'm no jerk! Your keys!

I'm out for a ride too.

In the forest.

Our keys! Shut up.

Hi, mom.

My father.

My mother.

Honey, they're just gorgeous!

Miss, I am delighted to meet you.

Miss, let me take that.

Come with me.

So, how shall we sit?

Donald, here. Mickey, there. Miss...

Beside me.

What did you get, honey?

Meatloaf. My favorite!

I've heard all about you. Do you work?

I sell flowers. Wonderful!

If I want some delivered, could you do it?


Four! Not even drunk.

We'll get a small ranch, and grow from there.

Mom'll bake. Dad'll farm.

I'll do security.

If we dig, maybe we'll find petrol, and open a petrol company. I'll get the dessert.

Miss, will you come with me?

Dad, how do girls' pussies work?

I dunno.

I only butt-fuck 'em.

I've been kidnapped.

The older one might kill me.

Help me or it'll go sour.

Take this note to this address.

Why not the cops?

No, it's a private matter.

I'm private too. Got no grants.

You want help, you pay.

You don't immediately appear as scum.

Flattery ups my price.

How much? 6.000. Up front.


What you wanna buy dad?

Flowers. Thanks to your friend.

Flowers? Wouldn't he prefer a gun, or grenades?

No, he loves flowers.

He's a closet horticulturist.

No? Yes!

He'd bring me armfuls of flowers.

Your birth became a symphony of colors, a flower opera.

The apartment was turned into a greenhouse!

The loony didn't bother you?

She has me worried.

You two okay?

Please be quick.

Can we stop for a drink?

Yes, honey, no problem.

I might be back late!

Get the best flowers for my dad.


The money mom gave you is for my dad.

When he was young he loved... horti-thing.

Get the best flowers you can.

If you need more money, say so.

Can I say something?

What? A car's got several gears.

What're you up to with the moron?

When you come out I'll butt-fuck you till I come out your mouth!

Fuck off, scum bag.

The dirty bitch!

The keys!

It stings.


My sunburns!

No more wanking!

I'm left-handed!

Now for the balls!

So, Mrs. Respectable.

We started our life over without our old hubby?

Dirt bag.

You're the one who tossed him in the chute.

You hadn't changed him in 2 weeks.

And you closed the trap.

Shit face.

Fuck-ass! You said it, you get it.

Would you like a souvenir?

A souvenir? Of tonight.

Well, yeah.

Step on it.




Fucking swell!

Another one?

Yeah, 'cause I always look a bit surprised in pictures.

This was a surprise.

Back up.

Can I see you again?

If you can afford it.

You're meant to be a whore.

Dumb shit.

I didn't crack my eyes for this dough.

But you still got screwed.

His so called mother, from the tape.

She's some female he kidnapped.

She was on the news.

She's this loaded bitch.

Tell where she's at and we're covered in dough.

I was born from scum, but I'm no rat.

Marion, pumpkin, can't you see.

That kind of dough, you get endless dope.

No need to be a rat, just say where the tape is.

I looked for it all night.

I threw it in the garbage, jerk. Liar.

I checked the garbage.

That's where you belong. What do you think?

That you can live without gettin' dirty?

Grandpa was scum, dad was scum, I'm scum. Become one or you'll never amount to anything.

It's 11:00 PM.

All is well.

They got mom and dad.

It's my fault. Shouldn't have left.

They're slick those fuckers are.

They're real slick.

I'll never forget my parents.

The great times we had together!

They were swell parents.

My mom and dad, when they were together...

Scum bag.

The tape's mine to do what I want with.

You threw it away.

Now it's finder's keeper.


You okay?

Sir, you okay?


I'm sorry. I was in 4th gear. Couldn't stop.

2. Is that possible?

That was my father.

Did you know him long?

We can't stay here.

They got my folks. You're next.

What's this bullshit? Come.

Let go, sicko! They'll kill you.

Danger! Don't stay here. Come on!

Don't be scared! Don't be scared.

I know, you're cracking.

Sorry! Sorry...

I knew he wasn't normal. I feel guilty.

Did you see other people?

He was alone.

Oh! He went into the video store across the street.

That's all I know.

He wanted to tape porn with old people.

Golden age showers!

I didn't want to sell him the camera.

But I couldn't refuse, you see.

Unless there's a loophole in the law. Is there?

Hey, what's your face!

Feel better? I'm sorry.

Where are we?

My hideout. Then we split to the U.S.

Where you goin'? Away.

Don't go. Stop! I'll give you a 2nd asshole!

I don't wanna harm you.

They're dangerous.

What's more dangerous than you?

I ain't scared. Nothing can happen to me.

That's the problem. I wanted something to happen!

I've been waiting 25 years for it.

I get high to wait it out.

And what happens along? A whacko!

Whereas I wanted a man.

A real man, with antibodies and a future.

I've had it with ugliness, mediocrity and dismal!

Fuck! They poisoned you.

I'm not even feminine.

I'm not either. That's what's great!

What's your face! Do something for me.

Take me back to the slums.

Too dangerous.

Building G. See Pierre.

Get 3 grand worth of dope and starters.

I'll pay you back.

What's your face! Don't do no detours.

It's urgent. Please.

You sure he'd have come here?

He was seen buying flowers nearby.

Ring a bell? Nope.

Never seen him. I'm sure of it. Sorry.

Nice birds!

Don't start that again! I said I didn't see him!

What am I to do with 2 tons?

It won't last the week-end!

You want a riot?

Lemme speak to Bob.

I'll hold.

Something else?

You got something for nightmares?


I dream I'm swimmin', I swallow a rat, I drown. I'm caught by oysters.

I puke the rat on the oysters. I surface.

A barge smashes into me, and pops my skull...

I wake up.


You don't need anything.




Do you mind turning around?

I don't want a shot.

I meant: Look elsewhere.

What's this place?

Electric transformer.

I used to play here as a kid.

What did you play?

I made fireworks.


I'd open the boxes. Small ones!

I'm no fool.

I'd spit on 'em and make sparks.

I blew the lights in the city for an hour.

I wanted to blackout the orphanage.

Just couldn't find the right box. I did spit though.

Can I turn around?


I like it when you smile.


What's the scar?

Once, I ran out of saliva.

I peed on the boxes.

Man, did it burn!

But it works.

With girls, I dunno. But it works.

Of course I know.

I'm just kidding. I know girls well.

Just relax.

Stupid bitch.

Get up, quick!

Let's split. People!


They found us. Slick fuckers!

Let the girl out!

We won't harm you!

Shit! Too late.

Dressed as cops. Fuckers! They've got it down pat.

The system too.

Puts uniforms on pricks so we can spot 'em.


So, fuckers, you think I don't recognize you?

It's daddy, honey!

Don't be afraid! I'm here.

Oh, no!

Have no fear, we'll save you, hon'.

You hear, you?

Don't hurt my daughter!

He's one of them? Already resurrected as scum!

The camera!

Look at the camera!

If you make me your hostage, you'll have a chance.

You're not my hostage.

We pretend. Nobody shoots, and we walk.

Fuckin' A!

Hey, fuckers! You hear that?

I've a hostage.

I'll kill her.

Any which way. With stones, or a hammer.

I don't care... I'm nuts!

Hello, I'm Congressman Valois.

I know, sir.

Don't stay there, he's armed.

I shall go talk to the lunatic.

Don't do that.

I've read his file. He's wild, he's an animal!

Then I'll eat her. Chop her up.

I'll say it wasn't me.

Don't do that.

Don't do that!

What now? Let me...

I'm Congressman Valois. You hear?

Let us take another path than violence.

You hear me?

Move back.

He'll do anything!

Yeah, that's true!

Clear the way.

It's working.

Congressman Valois, Bernie Christmas.

Let the hostage go. I pledge my word we'll not harm you.

Bernie Christmas... we must open our arms.

Isn't this the hostage situation?

The baby got away, fucker!

Take this from Mickey Willis!

Ain't so proud anymore! Huh?

I told him. It's not my fault.


He'll kill me! Don't shoot. He's okay.

He slipped in the rain, that's all.


He's alive! He'll kill me.

That's right!

Swallow this.

What is it? Medication?

Yeah, take it.

It is 11:23.

The fuckers tried to whack me but I made it thanks to her.

I wanted to ask:

What's your name?

You can't pay.

Is all that's left in the box enough?

Don't try and screw me.

I'm Marion.

Great! I don't feel a thing.

We're escaping.

Going for a border. If we find an open one.