Best in Show (2000) Script

MAN 1: l imagine the best place to start is at the beginning.


Why are you here?

Beatrice has...

...been showing signs of depression.

MAN 2: She's also been very, very angry with us.

Ever since she saw us having sex.

When you were having sex, was it different or unusual in any way?

We got a book. Uh, Kama Sutra. l lit some candles...

...and played some music.

And got myself in a position that wasn't...

...uh, very easy for me, emotionally.

Um, it's called the Congress of the Cow...

...uh, where...

...the woman is bent over, the hands are on the floor, the man is behind.

What did she do when she saw you?

She just stood there staring at us.

NELKEN: She didn't say anything? -Didn't say a word.

What would you like to say to Beatrice right now?

MEG: l'm sorry. l'm sorry you had to see that.

HAMlLTON: Beatrice, can you look at us?

Come on, honey, Mommy and Daddy are over here.


WOMAN: Bring your champions into the ring.

Thank you. Right on around.

Just trot him straight away and back, please.

Well, they couldn't have ordered up a nicer day, l'll say that for them. l woke up, l was so glad.

Okay, would everybody please fill into line?

Leads up. Let's take them all around.


Best of Breed. Best of Winners. Best Opposite.

Yes! Ha, ha.


GERRY: l like to think that, uh, Cookie and l work as a team.

Although I do nothing.

She does all the work with Winky.

Say, "Yay."

Well, the first time we met, uh, was at this...

...big, uh, dance.

And l just thought she was the prettiest thing...

...that l'd ever seen.

And she was there with somebody else.

She was very popular back then. She had dozens of boyfriends.



Yeah, hundreds. l did not know that. Ha, ha.


Well, not that l didn't have a reputation myself...

...uh, because, you know, l was considered... "some" to be quite the Casanova, myself.

Back at Ponce de Leon Junior High. But we started dancing....

He didn't want to dance! l was dancing by myself.

-l didn't want to dance because-- -l said, "Get up, Gerry." l kept saying, "No, l can't dance. l've got two left feet! l've got two left feet!" l thought he was kidding.

But l wasn't.

Um, l was born...

...uh, with two left feet.

And they had a nickname for me.

They used to call me Loopy...

...uh, because, you know, l would walk in little loops.

Uh, l kept going in circles.

Um, and then with some therapy, l.... l learned how to walk a straight line.

And dance.

-And dance! -And dance. And dance.

Oh, man, you got moves better than Winky, l think.


MAN: My great-grandfather Millbank, in 1 875...

...began the Mayflower Kennel Club and Dog Show. lt was very small to begin with. ln fact, he operated out of this house we're in...

...this beautiful building, and this lovely room...

...uh, which grew and grew, and of course, nobody lives here anymore.

But, it's our.... lt's our place.

And then my grandfather continued the tradition...

...and really, l think what we're talking about is standards, basically.

Very, very specific, rigid, you could say...

...but in this world, uh...

...where would we be without them, l think.

And notice where we are.

Um, we've got some real standards...

...and in Jessica's case, we have a bite standard...

...but we don't have a number of teeth standard.

But the breeds do differ in that, but they're very strict...

...uh, and they're very, very pure.

And, that.... Oh, yes?

Did you hear that? Did you hear what l said? l think she--

[WHlSPERlNG] l think you heard what l said. You were listening to me.

MAN: Now, when somebody comes in here...

...your average tourist, fisherperson, right?

They want to know, "Where do l go?"

So, what you do is sell them this map...

...and all these different flies.

You take the map. You take your best places...

...and you take the best fly for the place, put it right on the map.

Then you'd sell them the map. Now they know where to go.

We pick out the pattern for you.

So let's say it could be a Disco Midge, it could be a Beadhead... could be a Parachute Adams, whatever it is.

He doesn't have to think, "Oh."

HARLAN: Aside from fishing...

...dogs have always been a big thing in my family.

My father was a coonhound man.

He had red bones...

...and his brother had a blue tick, and his brother had a plott hound...

...and some other members of the family...

...they had Steven's stock and some cataloona hounds.

And my brother Otto also had a red bone.

We'd fight all the time. He'd say, "l'm a red bone man!" l used to say, "l'm a bloodhound man!"

The bloodhound, of all the breeds, is just such a noble, loyal, perfect dog.

You can't find a better dog...

...on the whole planet Earth.

And l would guess that even if one day...

...they land on some other planet in Venus or Mars, whatever... couldn't find a better dog.

And Hubert is the best hound l've ever had. l've had probably 1 0 or 1 5.

He is not only a great show dog, but he could be a great man-trail dog. lf the police came and said, "l need a great bloodhound"...

...he would be the one to take out.

Because if there was some kind of convict loose, you know, God forbid...

...he would be the one to find him.

MAN: We got all fresh cuts today, top-loin...

...porterhouse, T-bone, blade, ball-tip, tri-tip, chuck.

-We got everything. -So, basically, you know, meat. Ha, ha.

-Got a lot of meat. SCOTT: Oh, good.

STEFAN: Now, Tyrone....

Tyrone liked those kidneys. How about a half-pound?

No, not the kidneys. l don't want to pull the membranes. l'll take care of the membranes.

-You could pull it off. -Stop it.

-Half of salmon and kidneys. -All right.

Do me a favor. Just get one of those pepperoni sticks out.

-l just want to hold it. -Will you stop it? You are so bad.

STEFAN: l had been a hairdresser about 1 4 years...

...and l went to a show, and l saw his nibs here...

...uh, having his way with a borzoi.

Just trotting around that ring like he was born to it, and he was.

And l asked my ex-wife, l said, "Who's that?" She says, "That's Scott.

He shows a good dog." l've never seen anyone as light on his feet--

-Light in the loafers. Say it. -No, no, no!

-Stop. No. -Wait until l tell Mom! lt's just he and the borzoi seemed to have the same prance, the same.... lt was like they were two members of the same body, you might say.

And it was a wonderful thing. l knew a guy who had two members on the same body.

-l dated him a half hour. -ln your dreams.

Got so exhausted.... Go on. l'm sorry. You were telling a story.

No, and l asked Deb, l said, "Who's that?" She said:

"That's Scott, and he cuts hair, he grooms dogs...

...and he shows dogs, and he's a genius."

-Then l was, like, wild man on campus. -Club scene. Mr. Club-Scene here.

On Friday night, l'd have three Saturday nights, then go home and wake up.

My, God, what a thrill. Really, don't knock it till you've tried it.

Anyway, so we get together, we see several movies...

-...we like the same stuff. -Before you know it....

-lt's the all-American love story. -lt sure is.

Writ large.

On the marquee, big letters: "Us."

WOMAN: Leslie and l have been together five years.

We have an amazing relationship, and it's very physical. l mean, he still pushes all my buttons.

And you know, people say, "Oh, but he's so much older than you."

And you know what? l'm the one having to push him away.

Yeah, we both have so much in common.

We both love soup.

And, uh, we love the outdoors.

We love snow peas.

And, uh...

...talking and not talking.


We could not talk or talk forever...

...and still find things to not talk about.

Uh, hi. l'm Graham Chissolm.

And l'm the show chairman here at the Mayflower Dog Show.

Uh, this is a very special time for me. lt's something l do every year before the show...

...uh, is come here and kind of, for the last time, enjoy the solitude...

...uh, of what l call a blank canvas. Heh.

And, uh, there it is right there. There's nothing out there.

Uh, not that l can see, anyway. No one here. ln five days from now, you are not gonna believe the difference.

This center will be packed with people.

And the roar of the crowd, the energy...

...that this building will exude will be phenomenal...

...with winners and losers. Although no one loses.

We don't like to say that. But some have a long drive home.

And there are sad eyes on some dogs that worked hard to get here.

MEG: Hamilton? Hamilton.

-We gotta call Dr. Nelken. -Why?

Beatrice made a pee-pee on the sheets...

...and a poopie in your slipper.

-ln my Orvis slippers? -l don't know.

-God. -You been talking to her?

-Of course l have. -What have you been saying? l've been saying that when we make love...'s a beautiful thing.


-Excuse me? MEG: We met at Starbucks.

Not at the same Starbucks. We saw each other... different Starbucks across the street from each other...

...and Hamilton got up the courage to walk across the street one day...

...and approached me.

-Yeah, l'd seen you at law school before. -Yeah.

And l know that sometimes l'd be in one Starbucks...'d be in the other Starbucks, and then l'd think...

...l should go over to that Starbucks next.

And then you'd be at the other Starbucks. So we kind of crossed....


-l know. lt sounds so stupid now. -He's so good. l remember l was drinking a grande espresso when l met you.

That's right, and l thought that was really sexy.

-l was drinking cappuccinos. -l remember.

Then l went to lattes, and then now, double espressos macchiato.

And l'm now a big old, you know, Chai-tea-latte, soy milk kind of guy.

-Soy. Yeah. -Because of the lactose.

-Mm-hm. You're lactose intolerant now. -Mm-hm.

And l walked across the street, and there you were and....

Working on my Mac.

-And l had my Mac. -Your Mac.

And there, and then, l look over and she's reading J. Crew.

That's so weird, as l was such a huge J. Crew person then too. Still am.


We sometimes like to just go to Starbucks on weekends and...

...take an L.L. Bean catalog. l'll say, "Honey, what's new?"

She has five minutes to look and find what's new.

They've been around forever. We are so lucky.

We were so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs.

Oh, it's so much easier.

You don't have to deal with people as much.

You can just talk to the person on the phone.

-Or not. -Yeah.

HARLAN: l like to take Hubert for a walk in the woods before...

...l show him, because...'s a more natural kind of environment for him...

...and it makes him relax, and it makes me...

...relax too, to not think about the competition.

Just take a walk and, you know...

...smell the ground and all that, and, uh....

What'd you smell? What'd you smell?

See, a lot of times, what he's doing is, he's--

A bloodhound not only has a great nose, but he also--

They can talk. So, what he's doing, he's talking.

He's saying, "What'd you talk?"

What'd you talk? What'd you talk?

He's saying, "l'm ready." That's when he's ready for a show.

Because he says, "l'm ready. l'm ready."

See, then l know he's ready. What is it, boy?

He says, "l'm ready. l've walked and l'm ready."

Have a good night's sleep, and then...

...we'll get going and it'll be showtime for you, right?

Now, look at that. The judge will look at him and say....

"Hey. Hey. Hey."

Sometimes l think he'll talk to the judge and say:

"Hey, judge. Hey, judge. Look at me." l mean, the dog isn't going to talk.

But his mind is like a telepathy...

...thing where he says:

"l'm the best one here. l'm the best one you've ever seen."

The judge, in his mind, because he can pick up...

...on the telepathy, will...

...sometimes give him...

...the blue ribbon.

"Hey, judge! What's going on in there? l know what you're thinking.

And l'm the best dog in the whole ring." See?

That's not a bad idea. Maybe l just should... that. Practice that, right? Hubert.

JACK: Congratulations! GERRY: The big show.

-You gotta be happy. -The big show.

What'll you do in Philly?

-What will you see? -Everything.

We're gonna see the Liberty Bell...

...the place where they make the cream cheese....

Oh, honey! Honey.

They're gonna go to Philly and see where they make the cream cheese...

...we've been talking about for years! l want to see where they make the light cream cheese. l don't want to go to that other building. Please.

Yes, that factory is not made out of brick, l don't think.


-We'll cross our fingers for you. -Fingers crossed.

We'll stop to see friends in Akron. l told you about the Bermans.

Our good friends. We'll stop there. We can stay with them.

You've talked about him before.

They're dear friends.

My wife wants to drive 140 miles out of our way... see some people we saw two or three years ago, so.... l, ahem....


Oh, someone's still a little jealous.

Oh. Oh, jealous?

-How many years ago did he poke me? -Ha, ha.

How many years ago was that?

You've met my wife the comedian. She thinks l'm jealous. l'm sure it's all over with.

-Aw, come on. Look how sweet. -Now see, that's why it works.

BOTH [SlNGlNG]: God loves a terrier

-Yes, he does -Yes, he does

-God loves a terrier -God loves a terrier

-That's because -That's because

-Small, sturdy, bright and true -Small, sturdy, bright and true

-They give their love to you -They give their love to you

-God didn't miss a stitch -God didn't miss a stitch

-Be it dog or be it bitch -Be it dog or be it bitch When he made the Norwich merrier

-With his cute little derrière -With his cute little derrière

-Yes, God loves a terrier -Yes, God loves a terrier


What is this? What is this ball? What is this ball? ls this your ball? ls this your ball?

SHERRl ANN: We have a wonderful working relationship.

And l...

...have to say l wanted the best handler...

-...and l get what l want. -That's right. You sure did.

And this kennel that l opened up was really just a kennel...

...until, um, Sherri Ann and Leslie showed up...

...and their generosity has turned this humble little kennel--

-lt was a shit box. -Well, yeah.

They have turned this place into a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art...

...kennel facility and l'm just so grateful to them. lt's just fantastic.


With Sherri Ann, we have this fantastic friendship too. lt's really great.

And we have a little bit of a family dynamic going here...

...and pretty much mirrors what l grew up with.

My father was the taskmaster...

...the disciplinarian, which is what l do, l'm the mommy/daddy.

Like, Mr. Punishment.

Well, you know, l also reward.

But Sherri is responsible for the unconditional love, you know.

And the decorative abilities.

Exactly. The heart and soul, which is what my mother did.

That was her job. She was there for unconditional love.

And it worked for my family...

...until my mom committed suicide in '81 .

JACK: Here, let me help you out. Let me help you.

GERRY: l got it, l got it.

Come on, slow down, you got a long trip ahead of you, boy.

Okay, for Winky's poopies, just in case.

-You're so thoughtful. -Love you.

-Thank you. -We love you.

And thanks for checking in on the house.

Sherman's War Trail in Atlanta, get a ham sandwich at Lee's Comeuppance.

Make sure you stop there and get a ham sandwich.

Jack, the keys.

-Front door-- -We know how to get in.

-Have a good one. -Have a great time.

Bring home the blue ribbon!

Don't water the plants, they're plastic.


-Bring home the blue ribbon. GERRY: Okay.

LAlNlE: We'll have drinks when you get back.

JACK: Forward...


ALL: Bye!

JENNlFER: See you!

LAlNlE: Have a great time!

You got your road map and stuff? l think l'm all set, fellas.

-What you got in here? -That's a little thing l picked up.

Will you do some fishing?

No, l'm going to the dog show.

They ain't got no lakes or rivers? l don't think l'll have much time to do that.

Good luck, Hubert! Go put some hurt on them Yankee dogs.

-Thanks. -We'll take care of everything.

Don't have to worry about nothing. We got it in order.

This is that tape l was telling you about with the funny songs.

-lt's real good for the road. -That's great. Thanks.

-Bon voyage, Hubert. Good luck. -Catch a big one!

Have a good time! Hubert, who'll catch a big fish?

-Who's going fishing? -Go get them, Hubert.

-You the dog! -Have a good time.

DALE: lf you get tired, pull over. lf you get hungry, eat something. Bye.

See you, Hubert!

Don't forget the tape! Bye-bye.

GRAHAM: Well, we've started... can call a little bit of superstition on my part...

...but l always like to put up the official curtain, so to speak...

...uh, because this curtain here will carry the...

...official symbol of the Mayflower Dog Show.

Really spread the arms, guys, so it doesn't get dirty. Thanks.

Behind it is the holding area where the chief steward will be.

He'll make sure everybody has the proper armbands, so they can.... ldentifying the dog with the handler is very important, of course.

All that anxiety and chaos happens behind the curtain, which is good... these people here can enjoy the show and not see that.

Guys, really shake it out there. Let's get the dirt off it.

That's it. Been in a box for a year.

Oh, these have to come...

-...because.... -Counting those...'ve already packed six kimonos.

All right, so here is seven.

We're in Philadelphia for 48 hours.

That's seven, so l need, actually, one more.

How many tea services can you do?

Why are you doing this? l think we're overpacking. Don't you?

Well, no.

HARLAN [SlNGlNG]: There's a local honky-tonk Down in Louisiana Where the biscuits and gravy Are like Dixie's manna Let's go honky-tonk now l used to be able to name every nut...

...that there was.

And that used to drive my mother crazy. She used to say:

"Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts...."

And the joke was that we lived in Pinenut...

...and l think that's what put it in my head at that point. l'd go to sleep, she'd hear me, she would just start yelling. l'd say, "Peanut.


Cashew nut.

Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her...


...going crazy. She said, "You stop naming nuts!"

And Hubert used to be able to make the sound.

He wasn't talking, but he used to go....


And it sounded like macadamia nut.

Pine nut...

...which is a nut, but it's also the name of the town.

Pistachio nut.

Red pistachio nut.

Natural, all-natural, white pistachio nut.

-ls that everything? With all the bags? -Yes.

-lt doesn't look like everything. -What?

-lt doesn't look like everything. -lt is. l counted. lt doesn't look like it.

Next time, call a car service.

You should be on time, then we wouldn't have to take a taxi. l can't hear you! l said, if you were ready on time, we wouldn't have to take a taxi. lf we had a car service, they would've pick us up on time.

Meg, do you have the tickets?

Do you have the tickets?

-You have the tickets. -No, l do not.


-Hey, what kind of dog is that? -A Weimaraner.

You have the tickets.

How are you, little fella?


HAMlLTON: What did you do?

-Did you provoke her? -What did you do? Did you pinch her?

He almost took off my hand!

You just get walking, buddy, right now! l'll file a personal assault charge against you so fast, your head will spin.

-Put a muzzle on that, and yourself! HAMlLTON: Get out of here!

MEG: You know who you're talking to? -Crazy people, crazy dog!

Here we go, come on.

He's a mean man. Here you go.

Take your busy bee. Come on, winner.

-Oh, no! Come on! -Meg, settle down.

She's not even reacting to the toy.

COOKlE: 1 1 728.

GERRY: 1 1 7....

COOKlE: lt's on this side.

GERRY: 28.

26. Here we go!

That's it. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What a dump.

-You said they got a better place. -They did. lf you live in skid row.


You did it. Good dog.

-l'm getting heart palpitations. -Gerry.

-l can't help it. -Gerry, listen to me.

-Max is so history! -Yeah.

Who's my future?


Well, let's...

...get going!

-Hi! Welcome! -Hi.

Nice to see you!

COOKlE: Good to see you. GERRY: How are you? lt's so nice. Great!

COOKlE: Nice house. GERRY: Yes, what a wonderful....

-Oh, nice to see you. GERRY: Good to see you. lt's been so long.

-Gerry, how's the boy? -Hello, Max.

Watch out for that one.

-Hey, Cookie. -Oh, Max.

Twice, like the French. Come here, boy.

-You remember Winky? -He's a sweet boy, he's fuzzy.

-God bless him. Mm, here, go to Daddy. -What?

-Fay, thank you so much for letting-- -Oh.

COOKlE: Okay. -Come on, let me show you around.

COOKlE: l'll go get the bags.

This is our biggest week of the year here at the Taft.

We're a popular hotel year-round...

...but now is when we feel excitement...

...when the dog show comes through, and all the familiar faces..., canine and, you know...

...human alike come and we get to see our friends again...

...and make the place ready. Lots of work involved.

The key to welcoming animals into a hotel is...

...maintaining a certain level of hygiene.

And that's what this room is all about.

We're pretty well-supplied here for any kind of contingency.

Uh, your small dogs, your big dogs.

This is a good, safe product, doesn't have bad odor...

...chemical smell for small stains, usually small dogs...

...Pomeranian, your little teacup poodle, what have you.

This is a good product.

Sometimes, your bigger dog, your Great Dane, your Bull Mastiff, Rottweiler... need to up the ante a little bit. This is another good cleaning product.

For the big critters, the big stains...

...sometimes you need the nuclear weaponry, the sodium hydrochloride.

Um, l don't know if l can tell this, l won't mention names...

...we had a rock group here... we put down the rubber sheets in the beds...

...but apparently they didn't see the toilet in the room.

So we had a lot of cleaning to do after they checked out.

You know, roasting a goat in the room, l still don't understand.

Getting the smell of...

...cumin and charcoal out of the drapes was a chore.

That was a big deal.

We get an imprint of the credit card now.

We learned from that one.

-This is great, Fay. Thank you. FAY: You're welcome.

-Super. -lt's like...

...l know it tastes better, but it looks like that...

...ahem, cafeteria hot-plate food. You know?

Which l never tasted. l didn't want to look like a loser.

But it tastes good. l had that food every single day. And, um, it was 50 cents back then. lt was pretty cheap.

What's that you've got there?

-A parachuter. -A parachuter!

FAY: lt's not a doll. lt's an action figure.

GERRY: lt is an action figure.

Yes, you got that right. So, so...

...what does that, what is--?

What do you do with the parachuter? lt goes up and down like this.

Honey, no, no, no. Don't let it fall in your food.

Mommy's not mad, but don't do that.

-ls it okay if l let Winky walk around? MAX: Yeah. l've got my puffer. lt's okay. Ahem. l had a terrible day today. l can't get rid of it in my head.

You have a bad day, someone returns a sweater. l do and lives get lost. People lose their lives. l'm the chief hostage negotiator for the Akron and tri-county area.

And l talk people down. When they get a jumper on a building, they call me.

How many people have you talked down?

-l mean, is there a...? -Well, they always jump. l've got news for you. lt's a little secret from the trade. They all jump.

But today, we had a tough one. There's a guy, he jumps...

...that doesn't bother me, it happens all the time.

You think they drop like rocks. They don't.

He hit a gargoyle on the way down.

This guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head...

...pops off like a grape, the body continues to spin down like a whirligig.

When they hit...

...everything pops out. lt's like a pinata.

The intestines, like they're spring-loaded...

...pop out. Forgive me. You know what? l was remembering that time with you and me at the lake.

With the pinata. Remember?

Was that you? Are you sure that was you?

-l think you know who it was. COOKlE: l know. lt was a long time ago, and....

MAX: Seems like last week, l'll tell you.

You wouldn't know, she was famous...

...for putting both her legs behind her head.

-Fay-- -He's like an animal.

-No, it's just talk! -He's just like an animal.

Pinata? l don't know what a pinata is. l forgot to compliment you on your luscious, uh, melon breasts tonight.

-How does that sound? -Oh, come on!

-What are you talking about now? -Thank you, Gerry.

You know, what you don't understand is...

...a picture is worth a thousand words. l only went through 1 25 or 1 30 words describing that. lf l wanted to go on, l could go 800 words more.

-l'll take the picture because-- -Do you know where Winky is?

Next time, l'll get a picture. How about that?

-Where's the dog? MAX: Ha, ha.

-The what? -Winky. Where's Winky?

-Who's Winky? -He's probably with Zach.

-Oh, the dog. -Oh, my God!

Winky? Winky? Aah!

What? What's going on? Zach, what are you doing?

-Winky, it's okay, baby. GERRY: Don't move, Zach.

FAY: Zach, listen. GERRY: He has a parachute on his neck!

-Please, honey, this is what l do. -Don't be mad at him, please. l'll gouge your eye out with my thumb. l shit you not, you freak.

Get down! l'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly.

Don't look at him in the eyes, it challenges him.

MAX: l'll stab you with forks until you bleed.


Hey, little buddy, what you been doing?

[lN HlGH PlTCHED VOlCE] Oh, nothing.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Now, l understand that you went to the circus.

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] l did. l saw the Hat Lady. Hat Lady.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Fat. Fat.

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] Hat Lady. Hat Lady.


Fat. How do you say "F"? That isn't in here.

How about "the Chubby Lady." That's easier. l saw the Chucky-- No, that's "chucky."

Chucky Lady. Chub. Chubby.

-Choky. -Chuggy, chug--

Hey. Hey.

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] What you doing, bloodhound doggy?

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] That's a easy one, "bloodhound," isn't it?

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] Yeah. Yeah.

You going to sleep?

-The doorman's approximately cute. -The Mediterranean type.

-l'll say! -You gotta trim their nose hair.

-Hi. May l help you? -Vanderhoof.

-V-A-N-- -D-E-R-H-double-O-F.

Nonsmoking, two nights. We have you down for a queen.

-What are you suggesting... -Shh. Quiet. dear man?

Do you want to use a card?

-Oh, yes. -Talk to Daddy.

Seen enough dogs today?

Dogs? Yes. Big show.

-There's a lot in the hotel. -A lot of them here in the lobby.

Okay. Um, if l could get you to sign here?

-How tall are you? MARK: 6' 4."

Oh, l thought so. l feel like Alan Ladd at Easter lsland.

6' 4."

Where you from? Like, Nor-land? Norway?

-l'm lrish-German. -Like Robert Duvall in The Godfather.

Bratwurst and shillelaghs. Paging Dr. Freud.


MAN [ON TV]: Now Robin will make it. WOMAN [ON TV]: Okay.

-Bake at 400? -Yeah. For a very short time.

CHRlSTY: Hi. -Hi. How you doing?

CHRlSTY: Good. -l'm Jana, the production assistant.

-Hi. -They're ready. l'll take you on over. lt's showtime, baby.

Come on, little poochie.

ROBlN: You were wonderful. CHEF: You were magic.

ROBlN: Don't forget, Saturday we have reservations.

Look. They're having spring rolls. Hi.

-Hi. -Hey! Hi, l'm Robin.

-l'm Christy. -How are you?

-l'm Chuck. -My God! You're so short!

Camera adds a few inches. l saw you in a store a year ago. You looked beautiful.

ROBlN: Oh, thank you.

-And this is.... CHRlSTY: Butch! "Rhapsody in White."

Butch? But isn't Butch a bitch?

-Butch is a bitch. MAN: Robin and Chuck, be ready in 1 0.

-There's coffee if you're interested. CHRlSTY: Oh, thank you. Yes.

MAN: Five seconds. -Here we go.

CHRlSTY: l love Japanese food. -l have to rearrange.


And we're back!

And it is a big night here tomorrow.

The Mayflower's Annual Kennel Club Dog Show.

And with us, owner Sherri Ann Cabot and handler Christy Cummings...

...with their two-time champion, Rhapsody in White. Welcome.

-Welcome-- Thank you! ROBlN: Yes.

Well, l am particular about my hair.

-But this.... -Well, this takes about two hours.


What's with the plumber-butt thing happening on the hip?

These pom-poms are keeping, um, Butch's hips warm from the cold water.

-The hip joints. lt's very important. ROBlN: The little drummerette things--

-Right. We keep-- -Those act as flippers.


-Look at this, sweetie. -Look, Winky! Look, at the lights.

Welcome to the Taft. May l help you?

Yes. You should have a reservation for Fleck.

Mayflower group.

Great. Gerald and Cookie Fleck. We got you for two nights.

-Queen-size, nonsmoking. -That is correct, sir.

MARK: You want to put this on a credit card? -Yes.

Drove up from, uh, Florida.

Well, welcome.

-Thank you very much. -How was the drive?

Oh, just a super drive. Put a few clicks on the old odometer...

...let me put it that way. Good weather for most of it.

A little cloudy coming up through West Virginia.

Then it stayed overcast through Virginia.

But once we get into Pennsylvania, it's still overcast.

Now, there's a little problem.

Um, l'm not sure-- Do you have another credit card?

No. That's the good one.

-That should work. -Give it a rub.

Yeah, check the strip. Sometimes the change or the keys....


No, you see, it's coming up bad each time.

No, that's a mistake. That's the good card.

MARK: Do you have another--? -That's the good card. l think you should call them, because that's a mistake.

-Let me give them a ring. COOKlE: Don't worry, Gerry. l had to pay the cable, the gas, and the water. They're covered.

-lt's gotta be a mistake, honey. -They're off our backs, but this....

Yeah, no. lt's okay.

Do you want to talk to the cardholder? Because he wants to talk to you.

Yes, yes. Hello? Yes. Who am l speaking to?

Doreen? This is Gerry Fleck--

Tell them they sent one notice.

We're having a problem with our card here, and-- Yes.

We have till two to pay it. Tell her we have till two.

Till two notices. We don't have to pay on--

Well, two notices.

My wife does all the bill-paying. She's not a forgetful person.

Hang on.

Two notices, honey. They've--

-Could l offer another suggestion? -That's bull! lf you had cash for two nights' deposit, then we'll--

Yes. Yes.

Uh, how much?

Hundred and fifty dollars a night. That's $300.

And you'd be refunded a substantial portion of that on checkout.

We don't have $300.


Well, l've got...


Uh, what about traveler's checks?

Yes. We certainly take traveler's checks.

-Did you get some? -No.

Let me see what l can do.

CHRlSTY: The excitement's starting to build.

And, um, Butch has a light in her eyes that says it's showtime.

This is the beginning of our ritual...

...this party, our preshow ritual for the Mayflower.

And we just did the official toast.

And, um, the way it goes is that when the ice sculpture--

--which, as you can see, is Butch--

--when the ice sculpture melts all the way down, the party's over.

And it looks like tomorrow's gonna be a beautiful day.


This year, we're adding a new element to the preshow ritual.

Sherri will do my makeup. l'm very excited-- lt's a way for me to relax, and it's also a way for me to show, again, my art.

And she's the epitome of glamour, you know... l feel like l'm in good hands. l think she could use some glamour.

Well, l don't know. l'm not you, that's for sure. l apologize. This is all we have.

We are so full up.

Um, this is literally-- We don't want you out in the cold.

So this will give you some sort of a place to stay while you're here.

Don't judge it by this. We're gonna clean this stuff out...

...and bring in a cot, make it comfy for you.

-Good. Oh, it's super. Really super. -Yeah.

-ls there a bathroom? -Uh, yes. Two flights down. lt's the lobby bathroom. lt's stocked with paper towels, toilet tissue and soap.

You can freshen up in there.

Thank you.

-Um, room service? -That's the good news.

You're next to the kitchen. Literally.

Grab somebody and get a menu. And you'll be able to order from them.

And say just "utility closet"?

As a matter of fact, yeah. l don't think we'll have a problem. l'll alert the staff to your presence too.

And, um, l've gotta get back to the desk...

...but anything you need, just ask for Mark Schaefer.

-Thanks so much. -Thank you, Mark.

-Thank you. MARK: Bye-bye. l'm thinking about switching to the mock turtleneck.

-The charcoal one from Saks. -Great. Okay. ls that not breathing or...?

Well, it's breathing now, but at the party...'s gonna be hot down there.

Then again, it goes so well with the trousers.

Or l could go with the lamb's wool.

But then again, you're gonna see a lot of khaki down there.

And this merlot looks good with the gray.

You know what?

-Maybe we should stay. -What?

We should stay. We shouldn't leave her up here alone.

No, we have to go. We have to make an appearance. You know that.

-Are you upset, baby? -Yes, of course she's upset.

Don't be upset.

Mommy and Daddy are only gonna-- Don't, not the lips.

Mommy and Daddy are only gonna go for a little bit.

And we'll be back. Huh? You got your busy bee.

-You got busy bee. -Oh, l want to stay.

-You can't. -l want to.

You can't stay.

-More Gouda, honey? -No, thanks, Gerry.

-Super party, huh? -Yeah, but--

You know, l ran into that woman that owned the terrier.

-Yeah? -From Florida.

We were in that show. The Elvis, not Costello.

-Remember that little terrier? -The bitch that pushed Winky?

Pushed him way off his gait?

Cookie Googleman?

-Yeah. -lt is you. Malcolm.


Gerry, my husband. This is Malcolm.

-Malcolm, what's shaking? -Not much, Gary. How are you?

-Doesn't she look fantastic? -Boy, l'll say.

COOKlE: Thank you. -Just fantastic.

Been what? l don't know, 1 8, 1 9 years? Louisville.

The Mint Julep. You were working as a waitress.


Malcolm. Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.

You know, l've banged a lot of waitresses in my day.

But you were the best. By far.

-You don't forget the best. -Nope.

Oh, Gerry. Oh, Gerry.

They gotta do something about the air conditioning.

Great to see you.

Nice to see you, Malcolm.

Keep them up. Keep them up.

The beat goes on, okay? The beat goes on. Gerry, my husband.

Don't worry, l know where l am.

-Just.... -But that was fun.

THEODORE: Your house is beautiful. The food is delicious.

And to see Butch with her crown on. lt's so cute.

CHRlSTY: That's her game face. Absolutely right.

THEODORE: She winked at me. -Did she?

THEODORE: She winked at me. -You little flirt.

She's not gonna wear the crown tomorrow, is she?

-No, she'll walk around as if she were. -lt is. lt's a fun party.

-We only do that once a year. -She must be very proud.

-You bet. -Oh, yeah.

-lt's her night. -lt is. She's the star.

And hopefully, she's going to be the star tomorrow.

-We'll have to see. -That's up to her.

-l guess. And some other people. -lt's in her hands.

Some think if you're on a small creek, a small body of water...

...that you have to use a small fly.

But l've been in situations, even on a big river...

...where l'm using a size 1 8, a size 20, a size 22. l go with a dropper or with a Parachute Adams.

A PT Nymph on the end, and you could hook a big fish.

Many think you have to go with...

...a Woolly Bugger or Sculpin pattern of some kind.

Maybe Egg-Sucking Leech, which l've never had any luck with myself. ls that L.L. Bean?

-ls this L.L. Bean? -This?

Can l check?

-l don't know. -Oh, Hamilton.

What? Just checking.

Stefan, Stefan. This is my "euphemism," Stefan. l want you to meet my new friends.

-How are you, Gerry? -Stefan.

-Hello. You're Coo...? -No, it's Cookie. lt's Cookie!

-l was noticing your pants. -That's not all.

And then l noticed this.

-Very funny. -To death.

Did he tell you his name's Mary, as well as advertising it?

-He was introduced as Mary, but-- -You know what? My name's not Mary.

-lt's Debbie! -lt's not. lt's Debra!

No, it's Scott.

Do you have an appreciation for the amount of work that went into these?

-l ought to. l did it myself. GERRY: Wow. Gee. lt bored him to death. l talked about it nonstop.

Well, that is six months working with leather and red thread.

-Oh. Heaven. -How much fun was he to be with?

SCOTT: l make all this stuff. STEFAN: He's very talented.

-You must be very proud, Mary. STEFAN: "Proud Mary."

Oh, my goodness! Who are you all of a sudden?

STEFAN: Good baby-boomer gag. -Who are you in the burgundy jacket?

SCOTT: Good heavens! -Mr. Hip!



-Move your feet. Move. -Gotcha.

Stop it.

-You're quick enough on the draw. -l'll say.

-Thank you, Mr. Handyman. -Yes, sir.

-Tanka up. -Tanka.

Hi, Terry?

Hi. Yeah, we're here. Where were you?

So, how's everything? Did he eat the pâte?

Did you put the vitamins in?

Okay. Did he go poop? Thank you.

Too much information. Ha, ha.

Put him on. l just want to say good night. Okay.

Hi, Tyrone. Hi, it's Daddy.

Hi, Tyrone. How are you?

Say hello? Say hello, Aggie?

l can hear him breathing.

We'll be home tomorrow. l just wanted to say good night. l'm gonna sing a little bit of your favorite song, okay?

[SlNGlNG] They buried Barbara In the old churchyard They buried William beside her And from his grave Grew a red, red rose And out of hers a briar Good night. Don't stay up all night watching old movies. Ha, ha.

MAN: Live! From the Beyman Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, U.S.A. lt's the 1 25th Annual Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show.

Brought to you by lams Eukanuba.

And let me tell you, the City of Brotherly Love is aglow tonight.

Three thousand dogs competing for Best in Show.

Some big and some are small. Some really small.

Bushy coats and coats so silky...

...they look like they were spun by a giant spider.

You name it, they're here.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, l'm Buck Laughlin. lf you're a dog or a friend of a dog... want to circle this night in your TV Guide...

...because, Trevor Beckwith, they come to the Mayflower...

...with their crates, their kibble, and their cookies.

And, most important, with a will to win...

...that only a fellow dog can truly appreciate.

Your thoughts on that matter?

Yes, Buck, l can't speak for the animals, of course...

...but certainly, every human being in this building is as excited as l am.

-Really? You wrote a book, didn't you? -l did. l did. Follow the Lead.

A book about obedience. Basic obedience training for dogs.

As you know, l have a franchise of schools around-- l didn't know that. So this is right down your alley. l went to one of those obedience places once. lt was going well till they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts. Ha, ha. l'm just kidding. l know what you're talking about.

STEFAN: Because she's a winner.

Because she is Miss America.

That's who you are. Little Miss America.

Come on, l'm trying to groom her.

She's fine. She's fine. You know what?

She's feeling chuffed. Feeling full of herself, aren't you?

What l want her to do is calm down a little bit.

-Just don't do the front. Let me-- -Okay. Fine.

What do you want more than anything in the world?

Do you want the big blue ribbon? Uh-huh.

Do you want red? No. Do you want yellow? No.

You want the blue.

What do you see in front of me?

You see a blue ribbon in front of you.

You want it? Grab it! Get it!

She's not listening to you! She's freaking out.

Get the busy bee. You want your busy bee?

You get the busy bee. l need to trim her whiskers. lt's in the crate!

Why didn't you have it out to begin with?

Where in the crate?

-lt's not in here. lt's not. -lt should be in the crate! lt's not in the crate! l just told you that!

God, Hamilton, if she doesn't get her toy, she's gonna flip out!

See? lt's not in here.

You left it at the hotel. You go get her busy bee!

Go to the hotel and get busy bee!

Run! Run! Go!

Mommy's getting the toy. Don't worry. No, we just had a little discussion.

Look at me. Don't look at anybody else.

Don't look at the fat-ass losers or freaks! You look at me!

-And what's the first category here? -The hound group.

You have your finger on everything.

The hounds are coming out. These are some unusual dogs.

ANNOUNCER: The hounds can be divided into two groups, sight and scent.

TREVOR: This is the first of seven groups that we'll see this evening... the dogs progress towards the Best in Show title.

-The judge is Eddie Franklin. -That's Edie. Edie Franklin.

-Edie? -Yes. A retired teacher from New Jersey.

BUCK: You're right. That's a lady.

She gives them a thorough going-over. Are all judges that thorough?

-Yes. -She looks at the teeth.... lt's very important that all attributes are examined.

Teeth, eyes, ears, gums--

Ouch! Do l see right? Where's she putting her hand?

Well, she's just checking out the dog's testicular area to make sure...

-Whoa. -...that everything is intact.

Hate to go out on date with Judge Edie Franklin, have her judge me.

That would be no fun.

Would you please take your dog down and back for me, please?


BUCK: Now she's having the dogs--

Why do they have them run away and then back up?

What are they looking for?

For the dog's gait and movement, to see the small angles.

So, Edie will be checking out this thing in particular.

Good way to judge a woman.

Have her run away and then run back.

You know, those birds on Carnaby Street. l'm used to seeing them run away from me more often than run towards me.

Uh, now what is that? That's a bloodhound, isn't it?

TREVOR: Oh, this is a tremendous dog. l would say in two to three years, this could be a champion dog. l think it may be a tad immature for this year.

Just trying to get a little playing time.

And take your dog down and back for me, please?

BUCK: You know what would be funny? Just an idea off the top of my head.

Why didn't he put a Sherlock Holmes hat on it...

...and put a pipe in his mouth?

Are they allowed to dress up a dog in a funny way?

No, that's not the purpose of these shows.

But it would really get the crowd going, you know?

-The hat with a pipe? -Absolutely.

You could make it look like the smoke's coming out of the pipe.

-l think that would be a little dangerous. -Ha, ha. l'd get a kick out of it.

Now, that looks like a fast dog. ls that faster than a greyhound?

-Well-- -ln a race, who would come in first? lf you had a little jockey on him, going--

Uh, let me ask, if you put them on a football team...

...which would be the wide receiver, which would be your tight end?

Who can go the farthest, the fastest? l don't know any dogs that play football.

Ha, ha. l'm having some fun with you.

This is tension time. Who will she pick? She's looking them over close.

TREVOR: Yes, she's been very careful with this group. ls there anything they can do now to sway the judge?

Nothing at all. Just hope and pray at this point.

-Bring the bloodhound out, please. BUCK: Oh, ho. That's a surprise.


Bring the beagle out, please. Please sit down.

The borzoi, please.

And the petit, please.

All right.

Our little Sherlock Holmes dog is out there, huh?

Even without the hat and the pipe.

So it's down to four now.

TREVOR: She's taking a final look at the four she's picked:

The bloodhound, the beagle, the borzoi, and the PBGV.

That's the way l want them! One. Two.

Three. And four.

And that's it. That's the order.

Frankly, l'm very surprised.

-An upset. The rookie came through. TREVOR: lt's definitely an upset.

That's a tremendous achievement.

Have you tried looking under the bed?

Of course l've looked under the bed.

That's where you look when you lose things.

You! What's she here for? l called you 30 minutes ago! You call yourself a maid?

Where are you from?

-l know people at lNS! -l'm an American citizen.

-They'll come in a van and take you... -l'll handle it.

...back to where you came from!

Who do you think you are? l've spent 20 minutes--

MEG: Go get your papers! -You're too agitated over a dog's toy.

-A dog's toy? -Yes.

You don't know my dog. You obviously don't know my dog.

-There's a pet store right downstairs. -A pet store down the stairs?

-Yes. -Are you a wizard? A genius?

Why didn't you tell me before?

Thanks for your help, you stupid hotel manager!

Yeah, see the coat?

CHRlSTY: l gotta tell you, l've never felt...

...uh, more confident than l feel right now. l feel like l could say to the president of the Kennel Club:

"Why don't we skip to the chase here, and just give me the cup. l'll be on my way. You can take my photo." l honestly feel that way. But, you never know...

...because there's so many variables that l just can't control.

But, everything's going as planned.

Except for the makeup.

Well, Sherri Ann did put some makeup on me...

...but, um, it's really not my style, so l took it off.

-lt looked good. -lt was a little much.

No, it looked really good. l did a wonderful...

...Sophia Loren Persian eye.

And it looked very dramatic, and looked very showlike. lt was a little over the top. l looked freakish, so l took it off.

-No, you didn't. -You have to just let this go, okay?

But, l do like what she did with my hair.

BUCK: Well, now it's time for the toys.

They're well-named. They look like they could be wound up.

Yes. This is a fun group. And the crowd always responds to the toys. lt's wonderful, the character you see in these dogs.

That's what a lot of people are looking for in a toy dog.

BUCK: They're crowd pleasers. Frederick Basil-Abbott lll, the judge.

-He's got his hands full. TREVOR: Yes.

-Hey, hey, baby. Aw, a bloodhound? -Oh, yeah.

-Beautiful. -Yep.

-Beautiful. How old is he? -Yeah. He's 2.

-Slobbers a lot. -He's a 2-year-old. Oh, yes.

-He's a 2-year. He's a slobberpuss. -He is a slobberer. He's gorgeous.

-Yes, he is. -Yeah. l, um-- l handle Rhapsody in White.

-The poodle, right? The standard? -Yeah. Two-time Best in Show.

-Last two years here at the Mayflower. HARLAN: That's--

-l'm sure you know that. HARLAN: Yes.

-Yeah, so-- -l'm Harlan Pepper.

Christy Cummings. But you probably know that.

Well, l do and l don't.


-You take care. -l will.

Take care, Hubert. We'll see you.

ANNOUNCER: The toy group has long been a favorite.

Going back hundreds of years, when--

TREVOR: l'd be hard-pressed to pick my favorite.

The shih tzu is a terrific dog.

-What's that one? -The shih tzu.

-The shih tzu! -That's a name you don't... around with. lt doesn't come trippingly off the tongue.

"Stewardess, can l take a shih tzu on my carry-on, or does it have to be stowed?"

-"ls that a shih tzu in your...?" -An old joke, but a good one. lt's a crowd pleaser.

Ma'am, can l have the ltalian greyhound over here?

-He's known as a deliberate judge. -ls that right?

Yes. An interesting side note, as a matter of fact:

He trained to be a priest at one time, was in a seminary.

Never went through with it all, but it's unusual. lt'd be interesting to find out what went wrong. But that's a whole other show.

Sir, can l have the Pom over here, please?

Ma'am, the toy poodle behind, please.

Sir, could l have the shih tzu here, please?

BUCK: They are a playful bunch, aren't they?

FREDERlCK: Take them all around.

-Thank you, sir. One. -Yes!

FREDERlCK: Two. Three. Four.


Thank you. Oh, l'm sorry.

-Oh, congratulations. -Thank you.

My little princess.

-My hero. -Oh, thanks.

-God, thank you. -Good job.

-Thanks. -The Pom was no problem?

Pom broke his gait. He might as well have taken a dump. l was amazed the Yorkie finished out of the money.

-Who knew? Who knew? -Look at this. lt's all you.

First in group. Best in Show coming up.

She's like, "Group, shmoop. Bring on the formal wear."

Which reminds me, gotta go to the hotel.

-l have to change. -Want some soup?

-Bath balm. STEFAN: Bath balm. lmmediately.

-Hello. -Hi. Um, l'm looking for a toy.

-lt's a bumble bee. lt's like a-- -For what kind of animal?

For a dog. lt's a bee. lt's a bumble bee.

And it's furry. lt's about this big.

-Okay. -Right. lt's a bumble bee.

Stripes on it.

-Here it is. ls this it? -No, that's a bear in a bee costume.

Okay. Okay. l'm just trying to help. lt's about this big. And it squeaks in the middle.

Oh. Okay. This one squeaks. You know?

And l think it's striped. l think the dog will respond to the stripes.

And it's reminiscent of a bumble bee, l think.

-This is like a bee. -That's a parrot. l think that's what the dog's responding to.

But you can look in the box here. We have more.

Like this one. The yellow and black one there?

-This? -That's like a bee.

-This is a fish. -Well, we know that's a fish...

-...but to a dog-- -Just shut up.

-l'm gonna get this. -l'm just trying to help.

Thank you for your help.

This is least like a bee of the ones we have here. l didn't ask for your opinion. l asked for a toy that you don't have!

COOKlE: Oh, baby, you're so good. GERRY: Yes.

COOKlE: Look at you. GERRY: Who could look at this face--?

Who could look at this face and say, "Oh, l want him."

You. Hey, Wink. Hey, Wink.

-Hey, Wink. Look at this. -Did you see the scary dog?

You. Hey, Winky, look at this.

You! Yes.

That's it. He's just a natural. And look at his face.

Could he be sweeter or more loving?

The group is all about attitude. And look at this.

What, could you find a more likable attitude?

A happier, happier-to-know-you kind of attitude?

Oh, l'm talking about you.

BUCK: And here come the terriers.

TREVOR: This is a very popular group.

There's a lot of winners that have come out of this group in past shows.

-lt's also popular with the crowd. BUCK: They're lovable dogs.

TREVOR: Wonderful personality. BUCK: Very frisky, very playful. lt's sad, when you look at how beautiful they are... think that in some countries, these dogs are eaten.

And once around, please.

BUCK: That's my favorite, the miniature schnauzer.

How do they make them miniature? ls there some way, some process they physically...

...miniaturize the dog? Or is it a puppy?

What the devil is going on?

They just.... lt's breeding.

They breed them small.

You'd think they'd want them bigger, like grapefruits or watermelons.

Now, let me ask, what's that up on the table?

TREVOR: That's the Norwich. BUCK: Aha.

She's taking a close look at the Norwich.

That handler looks familiar to me.

Madam, could you bring the dog further down in back, please?


That's my dog.

BUCK: Did l mention my idea for a book for you?

Women bathing their dogs. ln cutoffjeans and T-shirts...

...and with the soap.

How it gets all wet, then the water, let your imagination run wild.

Get the Mayflower Kennel Club behind it, make a few bucks.

That's what it's all about. Put your name on it.

TREVOR: Well, l'm not sure.... -Bathing Your Dog With Trevor Beckwith.

Doing It Doggy Style. You come up with that, l'm not the literary guy.

BUCK: All right. Judge Ruth Collier is looking very closely.



-Three. Four. -Yes!

Thank you. Oh.


What the hell is this?

-lt's a toy. -lt's a rooster or something.

Get out the bee. Where's the bee? l couldn't find it. l went to the hotel, l asked.

You were gone for a half-hour and you came back with this purple thing?

Don't spit at me!

Don't you yell at me! Ouch!

You take care of it!

-l will take care of it! -Stop it! Just....

We're here with Dr. Millbank, President of the Mayflower Kennel Club.

Doctor, let me ask you something. l got a little bursitis in my shoulder.

Do you recommend heat or cold?

-l'm not that kind of doctor. -l know that. l'm just kidding. He's not that kind of doctor...

...but he's got such a good sense of humor, we like to have a few laughs.

Question that's always bothered me and a lot of people:

Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia, no-brainer, right?

Because this is where the Mayflower landed.

Not so, it turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere in the West lndies.

Little-known fact.

How does the name Mayflower get up to the Quaker City?

Well, it wasn't actually Columbus on the Mayflower, as you probably remember.

And he did land in Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts.

BUCK: They landed in several places, because there's the Nina...

-...the Pinta, a couple of them.... -And the Santa María.

-They all landed in different places. -Not really.

Well, l'm not the historian.

Let the production people deal with that one.

Right. lt doesn't matter.

ANNOUNCER: The sporting group can be divided into four categories.

BUCK: So these are the sporting dogs. These are the athletes.

These are the jocks of the dog world, wouldn't you say?

These are the dogs that you'll often see...

...hanging on the wall in museums and classic paintings.

This group is actually known as...

...the hunting group in the United Kingdom.

BUCK: And the judge is Judge Freda Dunlop.

She is also very, very slow...

-...and determined. TREVOR: Very deliberate.

Now, we're seeing the Weimaraner, a wonderful dog.

BUCK: That's a beauty.

TREVOR: That's "The Grey Ghost."

Oh, l'm sorry. Get down.

FREDA: Please control your dog.

That's not a good start.

Right around here. Let's try again.

This has never happened before, ever. l'm sorry. We're dismissing you. We're gonna dismiss this gentleman.

Just give us another chance.

-l'm sorry. We're dismissing you. HAMlLTON: No, let me just try again.

This does not look good.

He went after her like she's made out of ham.

-And l guess he's getting the old heave-ho. TREVOR: That's it. Yes, yes.

-The dog has been excused. BUCK: She is gone.

HAMlLTON: Just get away, you goddamn asshole!

BUCK: lt's a shame to see that happen. TREVOR: Beautiful dog.

BUCK: But he's still a champion. TREVOR: Oh, yes.

BUCK: Even though he leaves in disgrace. Like "Shoeless Joe" Jackson.

He's out of the leagues, but we still talk about him today.

Hi. l'd like... extra-large bucket of popcorn, half-butter, half-salt.

SHERRl ANN: I wouldn't normally just be out here...

...uh, pigging out.

But, um...

...l'm a little nervous right now. There's a lot at stake.

You know, we've had two wins. This would be our third...

...and, um, l'm making Leslie nervous. l'm making myself very nervous.

And my nervousness is, uh... rubbing off on Leslie. And, um....

l feel like l...

...l just really need to listen to my inner instinct...

...and, um, my inner instinct says:

"Don't go right now."

So, l'm not going out. l'm gonna be right here until l get another message...

...from myself.

What are you doing, honey?

They're just finishing up the Non-Sporting in a second. l'm looking for the hand cream. Did you bring any? l've got a lot of hand cream. But l don't have the....

God, look at that Keeshond. ls that hideous?

What's that doing at the Mayflower?

Oh, my goodness. Um, you might want to see this.

-lt's Miss Cummings. -Uh-oh. ls it ever Miss Cummings.

Oh, my God.

Bob Mackie, where are you when we need you?

SCOTT: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.

Doesn't--? Look at the piping.

She tries to be so self-possessed, but look at the terror in her face.

Well, it's all about fear for her.

Well, it's all about her.

BUCK: He's taking his time picking.

That's for sure.

TREVOR: And stopping them once again.

He is a highly respected judge.

Often tends to go on personality.

And we've certainly got a lot of personality in this selection.

-You're number one. Two. -Yes!

JUDGE: Three. And four. -Thank you very much.

Yeah. Look at that poodle. She knows she's a winner.

And look at her handler. That is one happy fella.

That is actually a woman.

BUCK: A woman-- Lady handler. They are sharing the joy.

And this is interesting, do you think they can feel the joy?

-Okay. -Big surprise.

There it is. l better show Agnes this bitch.

Oh, God. When she smiles....

Stop eating that shirt and look at your competition.

That is Rhapsody in White.

That's who you're gonna beat.

-She wins in a waltz, don't you? -She does.

Christy's gonna go talk to Sherri Ann.

Here's Sherri Ann. What is Sherri Ann wearing?


And she--


SCOTT: Rhapsody has two mommies.

BUCK: All right, Trevor Beckwith, it all comes down to this.

They're going for all the marbles. The Best in Show.

The final seven. lt's the bottom of the ninth inning. lt's the goal-line stand. lt's the final round.

And after all the grooming, the petting, the kibbles, the liver snaps.

Your opinion. Your feedback.

This is a very exciting moment. All these are wonderful dogs.

And this is the moment everybody's been waiting for.

The last seven. The best of the best.

-This is a great moment. -Creme de la creme.

-As long as you're calm. -l do. l am.

Because l'm as calm as a cucumber, okay?

Why don't you sit down?

-Go sit down. -l'm kidding. l'm nervous.

So sit down now because Winky and l have to get ready for the show.

Knock them dead, honey.

-Good luck. -Aw, thank you.

-Good luck. COOKlE: "Bye-bye, Daddy."

Say, "Bye-bye, Daddy." Bye, darling.

GERRY: Sweetheart?

-Make Fern City proud, okay? COOKlE: l will. l will. Ha, ha.

-Aah! What the--? WOMAN: Are you all right?

What'd l trip on? Did somebody put something here so l'd trip?

SCOTT: Calm down. CHRlSTY: Why did you fall?

Okay, it's just my knee. l'm fine.

CHRlSTY: Look out. You're gonna step on your dog.

-Oh, no. Your knee is all messed up. -We need a doctor. ls there--? Can we get a medic? lt's Best ln Show.

Your knee is ballooning up like a watermelon, sweetheart.


Baby, you can't miss this. Winky can't miss this.

He's worked for two and a half years. He can't miss this.

-He can't miss? -He can't miss it.

-Then we get a handler. -A handler?

-We get a professional handler. -A stranger? lf you want the dog in the show, we need a handler.

You have to do it. You have to.

You have a concussion. You're not making any sense.

All you have to do is follow him.

Just follow him.

CHRlSTY: We'll take care of you. -You'll be fine. l've walked him--

You take him for a walk every night. That's gaiting. l don't even know what gaiting is. What's this?

Your number, keep it on your left arm. Keep the dog on the left.

-Why-- -Gerry...'re gonna show Winky.

TREVOR: And here they come! The pointer....

The pointer from the sporting group, handled by Jill Koch.

And look at that magnificent dog.

Absolutely beautiful.

Do you think they know the championship's on the line here? l think they know they're very special dogs...

...and that they're still in it.

And the bloodhound....

BUCK: Getting the track of the pointer. TREVOR: Beautiful dog.

TREVOR: Hubert. l was talking to his owner and handler, Harlan Pepper...

...and he believes this dog has a tremendous future.

And here's the Siberian husky, handled by Joanne Dixon.

BUCK: Also a beautiful dog. TREVOR: Magnificent, yes.

BUCK: And they're strutting their stuff too.

TREVOR: The terrier group now. This is the Norwich terrier.


-Seems to have a different handler. -lt's not Cookie Fleck.

BUCK: We're getting word that the dog is being handled by...

...Cookie's husband, Gerry Fleck.

TREVOR: Very unusual. BUCK: Boy, this is thrilling.

The bottom of the ninth, a pinch hitter comes in.

Am l nuts or--?

Something's wrong with his feet.

TREVOR: l don't think l ever find myself saying this, but l think...'re right. BUCK: He's got two left feet.

TREVOR: That is certainly a first.

Go get them, pal. Man.

TREVOR: And the toy group, the shih tzu is here with Scott Donlan... a splendid outfit. BUCK: Scott is prancing along...

...with the dog. And look at his outfit. ln my neighborhood, you wear an outfit like that... better be a hotel doorman.

-He is having fun with his dog. -Here's Rhapsody...

BUCK: That's your favorite. TREVOR: ...with Christy.

BUCK: And the crowd's reacting too.

TREVOR: This dog is as close to perfect as you'll see. And she knows it.

-She knows this. BUCK: She has a winner's attitude.

And last, lastly we have the...

...the Shetland sheepdog. The dog l have.

The Sheltie.

Let me ask you. This may be a little bit off the path.

How much weight do you think l could bench press?

Just make a guess. Ballpark figure.

Three hundred and fifteen pounds. l mean, l was in top shape. l don't know if l could make it back and forth here.

-Quite impressive. -Dead-lifted over 500.

TREVOR: l think we're all set to go. BUCK: Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

JUDGE: Bring out the pointer, please.

BUCK: And the judge is Everett Bainbridge, if l'm not wrong.

TREVOR: Yes, Everett is a very experienced judge.

BUCK: l would hope so. -We're in very good hands.

This is like the World Series. You get the best umpires.

Once around, please.

Bring out the bloodhound, please.

Once around, please.

BUCK: Can a dog win it or lose it in this last round...

...or has the judge made up his mind?

Oh, good heavens, no. This is.... lt's not won or lost at this point. lt's apples and oranges, different breeds.

Are they looking for something particular?

TREVOR: lt's a gut reaction on some level. These are all...

-...superb animals. BUCK: Very subjective for the judge, then.

Very difficult task to pick.

Let me ask you, does money ever exchange hands under the table?

-Good Lord, no. -Don't stick your neck out.

-l'd be tempted to lay a few dollars. -Bring out the Norwich terrier.


Once around, please.

BUCK: They're just one cuter than the other.

TREVOR: And l think everybody responds to that.

Bring out the shih tzu, please.

BUCK: l couldn't get used to being probed and prodded. l told my proctologist once:

"Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"

Yes. l remember you said that last year.

Once around, please.

Bring out the standard poodle, please.


ANNOUNCER: The so-called French poodle may in actuality come from Germany.

This may seem like a silly question. lf you get a French dog, a Chinese dog, a German dog... they all bark the same? They all sound the same....

Or is it a different language?

Different dogs have different intonations and tones.

The country, the boundaries, doesn't make any difference?

JUDGE: Bring out the Shetland sheepdog, please.

BUCK: l notice in these competitions they don't do the basic...

..."sit up, roll over, fetch, heel."

They start at a higher level than that, don't they?

TREVOR: Those are the basic commands--

BUCK: ls that taken into consideration at the start, or, l mean...

...are you just judging by how well a dog is groomed?

Once around.

BUCK: These dogs are pampered and petted...

...and all in top physical condition.

TREVOR: No question. This is the prime.

You won't see finer specimens than these seven dogs. lt's a shame, really, that there has to be one picked.

Because as we've said time and time again...

...these aren't just winners. These are winners within winners.

And Mr. Bainbridge is taking a very, very close look at these dogs. l don't envy him this task. He's a master of...

...1 50 breeds.

And this well-informed judge.... This is a terribly difficult task.

BUCK: Like the umpire calling a play at home plate in the bottom of the 9th. l wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

TREVOR: The judge is going over to the judges' table to sign the book.

-So he's made his decision. -We have a winner.

BUCK: Lot of hearts in dogs' throats.

Do dogs react to this?

TREVOR: They sense the tension. They have to.

They can't not.

And here comes the cup, with Dr. Millbank and Graham Chissolm.

BUCK: Look at the size of that. l've taken sponge baths in smaller bowls.

This really is the defining moment of this competition.

JUDGE: The Norwich terrier!



SCOTT: Congratulations, you did a great job.

Thank you. Thanks.


-Cookie! COOKlE: Gerry!

-Cookie! -Gerry!

Cookie! We did it! Ha, ha!

-We took the Mayflower! -You're so beautiful!

Oh, my God! Oh, thank you!


After the Mayflower, we came back to Fern City...

...and we were celebrities.

We were big.

We were big. Everything just broke loose like a cannon.

We were given the key to the city from the mayor.

-With a picture in the newspaper. -Picture in the newspaper.

We, we--

We, we, we had....

-Radio interviews. -Radio interviews.

-Three. -Three radio interviews.

And you know, at some point, a good friend of ours said:

"You know, you've got all these great songs...

...that you do about your terriers, and you're....

Do something with them...

...because you're celebrities now."

COOKlE: We never thought of it. We were doing it for fun.

Just for the love of terriers. But, thinking, "Yeah. Why not?"

There's something to be said for that.

BOTH [SlNGlNG]: Back yard, front yard, or the park

-Play with it till it gets dark -Play with it till it gets dark

-Take it home after a while -Take it home after a while

-Then chew it up -Then chew it up

-Terrier style -Bow-wow Delish Bow-wow

-Some dish -Some dish


SOUND GUY: Cookie? -Yeah?

Cookie Googleman?

-Yeah. -Does this ring a bell?

[SlNGSONG] l'm not wearing underwear.

-Bulge? -Yeah, that's me.

COOKlE: Bulge? -Yeah!

-Get out of town! -lt's me!

You look fantastic.

You too. Ahem. You've grown. l'm growing right now, girl, just looking at you.

That is the one and only time l've ever done it on a roller coaster.

CHRISTY: l like both of them. And we could find something there.

But what l like about these, and Sherri Ann would agree....

Honey? lf we could get this picture of the dog...

...and maybe one of these....

CHRlSTY: Gosh, it's been a year.

So much has happened. Oh, my gosh.

Uh, well...

...we didn't win at Mayflower.

Which is surreal and, um, was extremely disturbing.

SHERRl ANN: lt was so not right. -lt was devastating.

But the silver lining of this cloud, of course, is that... know, it brought us to a new level in our relationship.

-Mm-hm. -Yeah.

And now we got to open up these offices...

...and publish this magazine here.

American Bitch. The dog magazine for women and their dogs. lt's a focus on the issues of the lesbian purebred dog owner.

We're on our third issue. These are our first two issues here.

And it's fantastic, you know?

Sherri Ann is definitely the inspiration and, you know...

...and l do the grunt work, the details.

She has a very big heart.

She's generous. She's kind.

-She's sweet. -Well, vice versa.

Yeah. She's changed my life.

And, and as it turns out, she's dynamite in the sack.


-Likewise, l'm sure. -Oh.

HARLAN: After the dog show...

...l was on an El Al flight to Haifa...

...faster than a walnut could roll off a henhouse roof.

And l spent about three weeks on a kibbutz, just mellowing out.

Of course, they make you work.

But it was a good place to clear your mind.

And I realized that l had a lot to offer...

...besides just having a fishing shop and going to dog shows, though. l've been working pretty hard on...

...mastering the art of ventriloquism...

...which is an ancient art.

And it requires a kind of scientific mind.

And l enjoy being able to put people... another dimension, so to speak...

...where they look around and they don't know...

...where the voice is coming from, which is the whole point, l guess.

[SlNGlNG] Let's all go honky-tonking

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] Down in Louisiana

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Where the biscuits and gravy are like

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] Dixie's manna

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Let's go honky-tonking They'll be

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] Glad to see us On a Louisiana night


All right, l'm coming. l only have five arms. Hold your horses.

-We should have gotten horses. -Little bitty horses.

That'd be real smart.

STEFAN: We always wanted to do this. One thing that brought us together...

...was our love of old movies of the '30s and '40s.

The MGM musicals and the great love stories.

So we decided to create this calendar with our buddy Terry.

SCOTT: Terry's a photographer...

...he lives really near us.

He took these pictures for us about two years ago for Stefan's birthday.

-Which are-- -Boudoir shots.

You're not allowed to see them. lt's, sort of, that kind of thing.

And we love them. And Terry's very talented.

And he loves our dogs. So we had this idea.

We loved old movies so much... we wanted to put it together...

...into one project...

...which was going to set the world aflame. l don't know if it'll do that, but....

STEFAN: We're not gonna sell it. lt's for friends.

SCOTT: We should try to sell it. STEFAN: Really?

STEFAN: Shih tzus in the great love scenes of the-- Well, maybe. lf we could give the money to Shih Tzu Rescue, you know.

-They have plenty of money. -So do we.

And what shih tzus need rescuing, anyway?

What shih tzu is straggling around the street with an old coat saying:

-"Help! Alms for the poor"? -Like the little match girl.


So how have things been going?

Everything's changed for the better.

-We are so happy now. -We are so happy.

And our sex life is finally back on track, huh?

-Good. HAMlLTON: Beatrice had many problems.

She was a real problem.

-Poor thing. -Just negative.

-Very negative dog. Mm. -Very negative.

-And hurtful, l thought. -Yeah.

HAMlLTON: Didn't you think so? Mm-hm. MEG: Mm-hm.

And our new dog, Kipper... fantastic. -Fantastic!

Oh, talk about a winner.

-Such a winner. -And he doesn't mind us having sex.

HAMlLTON: He likes to watch. MEG: He likes to watch.

HAMlLTON: Oh, honey. MEG: What we went through, huh?

HAMlLTON: lt was horrible. MEG: Mm-hm.

-He's a good dog. -He is a good dog.

And you're a good lady.

[English - US - SDH]