Best Man Down (2012) Script

(WIND WHISTLING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Hi. It's me. Um...

I know you're in Arizona for the wedding, but I really need...

I just wanna talk to you.

Okay? So can you please call me back?

(BEEPS)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

MAN: (ON P.A.) Okay, everybody.

Let's get on the dance floor for the Minnesota bride and groom, Mr. and Mrs. Scott Thomas.

SCOTT: What do you think?

This is my best day ever. No. Best day?

Mm-hmm. It's pretty good.

Yeah. How about you?

Is it my best day ever? Yeah.

Excluding the bachelor party, right?

Whoa. Whoa. (CHUCKLES)

Of course it was.

I gotta be honest though.

I'm pretty open-minded about talking about the honeymoon.

Really? Yeah, I am.

You and me and a bottle of red.

Deserted beach in Cabo.

I like the sound of that. Me too.

Let's say good-bye to our closest 75 friends and family.

Who wants a shot, baby? (LAUGHS)

Come on. Little tequila for the bride and groom?

I'm still good with champagne, Lumpy.

Yeah, maybe when this dance is over. Okay?

♪♪ (DRUMS: ROCK INTRO)

Uh-oh. Yeah.

It's over. (LAUGHS) It sure is.

Come on. Come on. You gotta celebrate, right?

Come on. You only get married once.

You know, until you turn 40 and you trade in for the newer, sleeker, better-looking models.

I'm kidding. He's kidding.

Okay, one time. All right!

Oh, shit. I thought you had...

My dress. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's okay. It's not a big deal.

Kristin, I'm really sorry. I didn't...

I thought she was... (PEOPLE DANCING TO RAP MUSIC)

Kristin insisted on this destination wedding.

I would have loved a Christmas wedding in Minneapolis.

That would have been lovely, too.

But, you know, I told her that it was gonna cost everybody a fortune to fly down to Phoenix.

Honestly, you can't even tell.

Will you button the little buttons on the back?

Be careful.

You don't wanna rip a $2,000 dress.

It was 3,000.

Does Scott know that? Mm-mmm.

Man, I really, really hope I didn't ruin her dress.

Oh, my God. Would you stop it?

And even if you did, when is she gonna wear the thing again?

I like the way you think. That is good. (LAUGHS)

Oh. Hey, man.

Thanks again for that loan.

Yeah. Sure, sure. No, I... I mean it.

That was too much.

Well, consider it a wedding gift, okay?

Oh, what are you talking about?

No. I'm paying you back for that. It was way too much.

No, I'm serious. I didn't get you a wedding gift.

Take the cash. I can't.

Take it. Well...

Did you just kiss your tie? No, I'm...

I've got drool.

Oh, that's charming. Thank you.

You know the thing is... (STAMMERS)

I need it. I'll be honest with you.

It's embarrassing, but I had no idea the honeymoon was gonna cost so much and Rick screwed me so hard on that commission.

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty. Just stop.

I love you, man. Oh, boy.

I do. Okay.

Yeah, I do. I wanna touch you.

Oh, come on. I wanna get my hands on you.

(LAUGHING) Okay. Okay. Is it too much?

That is too much. All right. I got carried away.

Just man up and drink, would you?

What is this?

I'm not even sure what it is. Oh, my God.

You know, I didn't say anything when Lumpy gargled champagne during his toast, or he decided to helicopter a six-month-old during the groom's dinner.

He kept referring to himself as "The Baby Whisperer."

No. It's not funny.

The kid vomited mashed peas all over the lobby.

We have to pay for that.

(POP ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Barkeep, another one.

(MUTTERS)

How about a kiss? Come on.


All right, I'm up. All right. All right.

Yeah. Yeah.

I... I'm all right.

Set 'em up! Let's go.

Lumpy, man. Hey.

All right. All right. Yeah.

Hey, buddy, I... Why don't you call it a night, man?

Hmm. What? What? Time to pack it in.

What? Yeah.

You're cutting off... Dude.

You're cutting off the best man?

Dude, come on. You threw up in the women's bathroom.

No, I didn't. Did I? You did.

One more drink. No, no, no. Please. Come on.

Aw! You're so lame.

You're just... You're just lame.

No, all right. Y-Y-You're lame. You're lame-o.

All right. I know. You're the lamest...

Ooh. Oh!

(GROANS) You okay?

Yes! Yeah! I'm good. Yep.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Thanks a lot, Captain Lame. Captain Lame-o.

Is he okay? Yeah, he's great now.

Tomorrow morning it's gonna be another story.

LUMPY: Livin' in a lamish community, churnin' up that lame butter.

Sorry.

LUMPY: Look out, everybody!

(SINGING WITH TV)

(POUNDING)

MAN: Shut up in there! You shut up!

(GROANS)

(ALARM BELL RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

(RINGING FADES)

(RAGGED BREATHING)

(GLASS SHATTERS) (GROANS)

(WATER RUNNING) Hmm.

(GROANING)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(GROANING)


(GROANS)


(BIRDS TWITTERING)

(KNOCKING) JAIME: Come on. Get up.

Ramsey, I'm not kidding. You can't be late again.

(DOOR OPENS) (BLINDS OPENING)

(HOARSE VOICE) Get up.

I'm up.

What is your problem?

Give me one second.

And don't hassle your mother.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I'm going to bed.

I don't know a Dave. (FOOTSTEPS)

David? No. (SIGHS)

Danny? My boss's name is Danny.

He might be a Gemini.

What kind of danger?

Hey, um, you're gonna have to try harder with Winston.

Where is he? He went back to bed.

(SCOFFS) Oh.

I should go too.

Okay. I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye. (BEEP)

(CHUCKLES) Ms. Shirley?

She says that Dan's in danger.

You know, Dan from work.

I'm gonna tell him.

You should call her sometime.

(SIGHS) By the way, you never told me where you slept the other night.

Why don't you ask Ms. Shirley?

God, if you were with some guy...

I was at a friend's house.

What friend?

Hey! Aren't you gonna eat something?

I'm not hungry.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

That's it?

Sorry. I have to get my day started.

Yeah, me too.

What?

I drove all the way up here to see you.

Couldn't we at least have breakfast?

Hang out a little?

It's a small town.

Hey.

Maybe I can arrange a day off next week.

You know what?

Forget it.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Jesus!

Hot date?

What are you doing here?

You know I like to watch.

I hate it when you pull the blinds, Dad.

(SIGHS) I'm not your dad.

Dad, father, father, dad... Whatever.

I need 50 bucks.

I don't have 50 bucks.

This is really your best option? Blackmailing a priest?

Think of it as community welfare.

Isn't there a doctor or a lawyer you can hustle?

If you want me to go back to taking it out of the offering tray, I will. (SIGHS)

KRISTIN: They just found him lying there?

Yeah. I don't know what he was doing.

How... I don't know.

A security camera caught him going out the back door at, like, 1:30.

There's blood all over his room.

I... I don't know.

Hi, honey.

Everyone is just devastated.

Is there anything that Roger and I could do for you?

No, I don't think so, Gail. Thanks though.

Well, I don't mean to upset you, but this might be a liability here.

Mom, I don't think that this is a good time.

You know, sweetheart, you cannot be too careful.

The hotel should take responsibility.

We could blame the bartenders.

Have you two eaten anything yet?

Uh, thank you, Dad. We're not hungry.

The resort has a complimentary continental breakfast.

(SIGHS)

Could you guys go say good-bye to some of the guests?

Yes, we could, honey. That would be really helpful.

All right. Yeah.

(CHATTERING, INDISTINCT)

I'm sorry. Wow.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I don't have a referral to another provider.

So there's only one company that can ship a body?

You could keep the deceased in Arizona, have the services here.

No, no, no. The funeral and the burial have to be in Minnesota.

Um...

Then I guess you're out of options.

Really, Mr. Huxley? There's nothing else?

'Cause I'm in a tight spot here.


(EXHALES)

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God! What the hell are you doing?

Oh. Oh, uh... He, um... (STAMMERS)

Jesus Christ. Can we go, please?

Oh, my God.

There are so many questions I have for you.

There are so many things I'm curious about, but you know what?

I think it would be best if we just never talked about that again.

Okay? Ever. I think that's fine.

Great. Great.

Let's go back to the hotel, we'll pack our stuff and call the airline.

See if they can get us on a redeye back to Minneapolis.

What... (STAMMERS) Minneapolis? No.

Uh, we're going home now? Yeah.

Why?

I assumed that the funeral would be after the honeymoon.

You... You wanna postpone the funeral?

Who postpones a funeral?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I mean, our honeymoon...

I've been dreaming about it since I was a little girl.

I'm supposed to be in a caftan under a palm tree.

What's a caftan?

You don't know what a caftan is?

I know you never got Lumpy. Okay? Let's just be honest.

You didn't want him to be my best man.

I didn't say that. What I said was, you two didn't spend much time together anymore.

What does that mean? We're men.

Men don't spend a lot of time together.

We have to go home because I have to take care of my friend's funeral arrangement, okay?

I can't believe this happened on our wedding night.

Hey, will you hold this? It's Lumpy's.

Then we can make some calls, just let people know what happened.

There are only six numbers stored.

Two of them are for pizza delivery.

It's not a joke. It's true.

Who's Ramsey Anderson? No idea.

Probably a friend from law school or the restaurant maybe.

(SIGHS)

So, after the autopsy they're gonna ship the body back to Minnesota by budget courier. Budget courier?

Is that a normal thing? I don't know.

I've, weirdly, never had to ship a friend's body anywhere before.

It's still gonna be $2,000.

We don't have it.

Not after the open bar and the welcome baskets for the guests.

And a $2,000 dress.

So, it wasn't worth it? Come on, I didn't say that.

We're gonna have to use the honeymoon money for the funeral though.

What choice do I have, Kristin? He was my best man.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(ALARM CHIMING)

Hi.

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Someone's gotta shop for food.

Yeah. Well, you don't have a job.

Neither do you.

Why you gotta be like that?

I'm trying to make things work, you know?

I thought we had a deal here.

I don't like that deal.

I didn't ask if you liked it.

Hey. I'm not finished.

I'm not finished.

(DOOR SHUTS)

This is your family, Ramsey.

Whether you like it or not, we're family.

(DOG BARKING)


(ALARM BLARING)

You're welcome?

Can we just go?

I have to tell your mother. No!

I know what I promised, but I could get in serious trouble here.

(GROANS) It was just cold medicine.

You don't look like you have a cold.

(COUGHS)

You're lucky I was able to talk the sheriff into releasing you into my custody.

Yeah, really lucky.

Ramsey.

Ramsey, wait.

Ramsey.

Look, it's seriously decent of you to spring me from my incarceration.

But I'm fine, okay?

I know why people buy cold medicine. It's to make crystal meth.

Why'd you steal it anyway? I just gave you money.

I spent it. On drugs?

Don't you have candles to light, or, like, wine and crackers to hand out?

That's what you think I do?

Mood lighting and catering?

I don't do drugs, okay?

You only have a couple of more months of this.

Don't blow it!

(JET ENGINE WHINING)

MAN: (ON P.A.) Welcome aboard Valdez flight 896, redeye to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

It's gonna be a full flight tonight, folks, so we ask you to find your seat and stow your luggage as quickly as possible for an on-time departure.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God. What? What's wrong?

I think I packed the Ambien in my suitcase.

Okay, are... I can't believe this.

Are you sure? Oh, my God.

Well, look... Look in that guy.

Jesus.

Kris, it's only a four-hour flight.

But I need to sleep. (GROANS)

(SIGHS) I need a Xanax.

Jesus. How many pills are you taking?

My God. You're like a pharmacy in there.

These ones are the white ones, not the orange ones.

They're like half as strong.

And the blue ones, those are the ones that are for crazies.

Okay, Elvis, when did chronic anxiety take over your life?

Am I missing something?

Why are... You're like announcing this to the entire plane.

Oh, relax. He's the one guy that's eavesdropping.

We don't even know him. Who cares?

Hi.

I'm Neil. Your mom's cousin's son?

We met at the reception.

Right. Hi, Neil.

I'm really sorry about your friend. Thank you, Neil.

I don't have anxiety issues.

Oh, I wasn't even paying attention. He wasn't listening.

I have a slight fear of flying.

Xanax helps take the edge off during takeoff.

Okay. But don't need 'em.

Not like I'm addicted. (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) Kris, he doesn't care.

How are you at flying? Do you want one?

They're the white ones. They're not the orange ones.

No. Thank you though. I appreciate that.

Um, gosh, you know, that is a "D" on my ticket, which means I have the wrong seat.

So I'm gonna scooch on over.


Rick going to be at the funeral?

Oh, well, yeah, probably.

We've both known Lumpy since junior high, so guessing.

Such a real estate crook.

Yeah, and his dad's my boss, so please remember that, Kris.

I thought you didn't have to pay a referral fee if it was within the office.

You do sometimes. It depends.

(WOMAN) He fails.

Ethan risks everything to be with the woman that he loves, but he fails. Why?

Why would Wharton have Ethan and Mattie fail?

Anna? What do you think?

I didn't read it.

Did anybody read it?

No. See, that's the thing about literature...

You have to read it.

Okay. For tomorrow... (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

I want everyone to finish Ethan Frome.

Lunch? Sure.

I was talking to her.

KRISTIN: All I'm saying is that I can't think of a time when Lumpy wasn't either drunk or naked or both.

Yeah, everyone lets loose on vacation.

Clearly you've forgotten the hairy bead rack incident on Bourbon St.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.

I mean, New Orleans was struggling through a post-Katrina holocaust, and Lumpy thinks he can brighten everyone's day by hanging beads from... What did he call it?

His hairy button.

Hairy button. That was hilarious.

Oh, Scott. Okay, listen. You know what?

I agree, in the last year the drinking got a little out of control.

But I don't know what you want me to say, Kris.

I mean, he was my best friend.

But he wasn't your best friend. He was your oldest friend.

There's a difference.

I don't care what you call him.

I knew Lumpy better than anyone.

I'm very sorry for your loss, but Lawrence is no longer a law student here.

What? N... No. That must be a mistake.

Well, he hasn't been enrolled for almost a year.

A year?

Did he transfer to another school?

I don't have any record of a transcript request.

He flunked out of law school?

Actually, his grades were quite strong.

He left for personal reasons. What does that mean?

I... I'm sorry. I don't have any further information.

But I'd be happy to put his funeral announcement on our website.

Uh, thank you... Actually, could you search for one more student for us?

It's a friend of Lumpy's.

Lumpy? Lawrence. Sorry.

Of course.

Uh, what's the name?

Uh, Ra... Ramsey Anderson.

(TYPING) I'll check.

Sorry. Lots of Andersons. No Ramsey.

Yeah. This is it.

(BELL JINGLES)

Hi. Hi.

Two? No, we're actually not here to eat.

Um, we're friends of Lumpy's.

(LAUGHS)

Last time I saw Lumps we were totally wasted, and we ended up...

N-Never mind.

How old are you? (STAMMERS)

I'm afraid we have some really bad news.

Uh, L-Lumpy passed away over the weekend. What?

It was an accident. It was a very unfortunate accident.

We just wanted to tell his manager and let everyone know about the funeral.

Oh, my God. He O.D.'d.

No. No, no, no. Why would you think he O.D.'d?

He died on a cactus.

Can you tell your manager that we're here to talk to him or her?

Uh, sure. Lumpy hasn't worked here in a couple of months though.

He hasn't?

No, he was... he was fired.

What?

How could he fire Lumpy? Lumpy loved this job.

Is he in there? You can't go in there!

Scott, don't do that. I swear to God.

Bruce doesn't like to be interrupted.

(WOMAN MOANING) Oh, eureka.

What? Oh. God, sorry.

Um... You can't just barge in here.

I just wanted to talk to you, but I-I'll wait outside.

I think he needs a minute.

He was stealing?

Uh, we caught him on camera.

No. There's no way. Not Lumpy.

Look, bartending is a cash business.

It happens, you know. Sooner or later, temptation wins out.

Did you call the police? Is there a report that was filed or something?

The owners wanted to, but I never did.

Why? I think he was in a bad place.

What do you mean?

There was a lot of booze and, uh, some girl up north in, uh, Lutsen.

Do you remember her name, by any chance?

Oh, man. Uh...

Was it Ramsey?

It... Maybe. Yeah. That sounds right.

Okay. Thank you for your time.

And sorry about barging in again.

I'm real sorry about your friend.

Everyone liked Lumpy. Yeah.

Good luck. Thank you.

Don't touch it! (COUGHS)

Thank you.

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

Hey.

Aren't you going to work?

I called Dan. I told him I wasn't feeling well.

Is he okay? Hmm?

Wasn't he in danger?

You don't believe in Ms. Shirley, do you?

She's from Thief River Falls, Mom.

It is a gift. She has a real gift.

Yeah. For taking your money.

The first time I talked to her, she knew everything about me.

Names.

She knew names. (DOOR OPENS)

Have you ever heard of caller I.D. and Google?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey, baby. Hey.

Can I talk to you?

(CHUCKLES) Did you get it?

Tried.

What happened?

One of the security thingies went off and I got busted for shoplifting.

But I told you to take the security tags off.

I did.

Must have missed one.

It's okay.

Did you, uh... Did you say anything about me?

No. You sure? You sure?

'Cause you can tell me. Just tell me.

I didn't.

Ramsey, we need this money. Your mom won't ask, but we need it.

How bad does she need it?

I told you, it ain't for us.

Look at me.

I come back from two back-to-back tours in Iraq last year, and I got shit.

No job, no degree, no money... nothin'.

All I have is respect, and from you I'm gonna get respect.

I asked you to do one thing, one stupid little thing... (CELL PHONE BUZZES)

(BUZZING CONTINUES) and you messed it up.

What's this? Where'd you get this?

A friend. Nice friend?

Yeah.

I wonder what you have to do for a friend to get a phone like this.

(WHISPERING) Don't mess up again.

(LINE RINGING)

(WOMAN'S VOICE) Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice-message system.

Six-1-2-8-4-5-4.

(BEEP)


Would anyone like some more wine?

Yeah. I would.

Your uncle and I are very happy to have a belated Christmas dinner with the newlyweds.

We're all glad you're here.

Too bad your brother had to fly straight back to Wilmington from Phoenix.

Helen, you should see the house he bought.

Oh, John's work is just going so well.

His company is exploiting Chinese children into making automotive paint.

Here we go with all the green talk again.

We are proud of you too, being a teacher.

Why would... That's not what I'm...

(STAMMERS) Could somebody please pass the Mrs. Dash?

She might be hiding with Mr. Dash.

Oh, we don't know if there is a Mr. Dash, Dad.

Maybe things didn't go well after their wedding or something.

Well, maybe Mr. Dash had some things on his mind, and things he had to take care of.

I just wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Dash didn't go on a honeymoon and then after that stopped communicating.

Maybe Mrs. Dash should stop feeling sorry for herself.

I think that Mrs. Dash is trying really hard and maybe feels underappreciated. Maybe Mrs. Dash should remember she's not the only spice in the spice rack.

I'm not saying that Mrs. Dash is the only spice.

Mrs. Dash has gotten very arrogant lately. Little one-sided.

Arrogant? Mm-hmm.

There's paprika, there's thyme, there's rosem... lot of other spices.

I think maybe it's time to clear the table.

I'll help you. No, no, Helen. Now, you sit.

I only get to wash the Christmas dishes once a year.

Okay, this is it.

We couldn't believe all those strange-looking plants in Phoenix.

What were they called again?

Cactus, Helen. They were cactus.

They weren't cactus. I know what cactus look like.

They're succulents.

Too bad about your... your friend, Scott.

UNCLE: Yeah. I'm sorry. That's too bad.

It was an unfortunate lesson for all of us.

ROGER: Boy looked like he was a lot of fun.

He was a lot of fun, Roger.

He wasn't a boy though.

He was a man. Of course he was a man.

No, no, no. He was a real man.

Just because he drank a little too much and quit law school and he got fired from his job, it doesn't make him less of a man. 'Cause he was a man, Kris.

Okay. We understand and we know you're upset...

You asked me to pee sitting down!

I thought it would be a nice compromise.

You wanted me to carry a purse, for Christ's sake.

Why would he carry a purse? It was a man bag!

And I was only pointing out that some men have found it efficient.

They are in Europe, mostly... We don't live in Europe.

This is what I'm talking about. Lumpy kept it real.

He was a man.

I'm going to help Mom in the kitchen.

Good idea.

Come on, Terry. This isn't even gonna get me through New Years.

Man, Terry! Hey.

(GROANS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

What?

Nothing.

(COCKS GUN)

Your aunt had to bring up Lumpy.

Mom, someone died. People are gonna talk about it.

But that's all they talk about.

Oh, your best man got drunk and died at the wedding.

Do you know that he hit on your cousin Lindsay?

She's 14. They were just dancing.

I think it's inappropriate. I don't like it.

Well, don't tell me that you don't wish that it didn't happen on your wedding night.

Actually, I just wish that it didn't happen.

Oh. Hey. I'm sorry. You're not a smoker.

Should we leave tomorrow morning after traffic?

Leave for where? Lutsen.

What are you talking about? Why would we drive to Lutsen?

'Cause we have to find Ramsey Anderson and tell her that her boyfriend died.

Kris, that's like five hours away. It's near Canada.

Why don't we just call Ramsey Anderson?

I tried. The phone's been disconnected or something.

I Googled. I Facebooked. There's nothing.

What about a home number?

Do you know how many Andersons there are in Northern Minnesota?

So we're gonna drive to Lutsen and just ask around for Ramsey Anderson?

Yeah. Why would we do that?

Because Lumpy was your best friend.

Kris, can you take your legs down, please?

'Cause we get in an accident, you're gonna get paralyzed.

But we've passed, like, two cars in the last 20 minutes.

Can you just work with me, please?

Come on. We're newlyweds.

Thank you.

I need to pee again.

Really?

Yeah.

(ROCK PLAYING THROUGH SPEAKERS)

(KNOCKING)

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) Mom.

There's someone at the door.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Mom!

Hey. Hi.

Hi. Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.

Are your parents at home?

Yeah.

Great.

Can I talk to them?

Why?

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Uh, yeah, because I normally cut through your neighbor's property to get down to the lake, but they have it plowed so...

Yeah, I think they took their Winnebago to Florida for the winter.

Do you think it would be okay if I just cut through your property really quick?

Yeah. Sure. Really?

Rock it out. All right. Rock it out.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

You like these guys, huh?

You know these guys?

Yeah, I do. A lot of people do.

Not in this town.

Oh, no, maybe not.

Yeah. Probably right.

Okay, I'll get out of your hair. Thank you.

Careful on the ice.

Global warming.

Thanks. (CHUCKLES)

(VOLUME INCREASES)

(MAN VOCALIZING)

MOTHER: Who was that at the door?

Who was that? Some guy.

What guy? I don't know. He's gone.

(SIGHS) Have you seen my cigarettes?

Finished the pack at school.

Don't be a smart-ass.

So, uh, how was school anyway?

I asked you a question.

(MUSIC STOPS) What are you doing?

I asked you how school was. How do you think it was? It sucks.

Why? Why do you think?

I don't know, Ramsey. That's why I'm asking.

I hate it here.

You never gave it a chance.

No one makes new friends in high school.

Oh, you're so smart though.

Yeah, and everyone's just dying to be friends with that freak girl who does math two years ahead of everybody else.

Well, if you try, it'll get better.

You sure about that, Mom?

Is it gonna get better like Milwaukee, where I got beat up every week?

Or is it gonna get better like Rockford, where you got beat up every week?

Stop it. I did the best that I could.

Or is it like Brooklyn Park, where I had to watch my dad O.D.

Stop it! So tell me, Mom, when does it get better, because I wouldn't want to miss it.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ramsey.

Where are you going? Anywhere but here.


Hey. Hey.

Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

You didn't.

Good.

How's it going? Good.

Just, uh, you know, gettin' started.

I just wanted to make sure you found it.

The lake?

Yeah.

Yeah. Found it.

It's right there. (CHUCKLES)

Cool.

See ya. See ya.


Oh. (WATER SLOSHING)

(REEL WINDING) Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh... Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh! Oh, look at you!

Ohh! Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.


(COUGHING, SCREAMING)

Oh, God! (GRUNTING)

Help! Help!

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

(LUMPY GROANS)

(SCREAMING RESUMES)

(GASPING)

Hold on!

(GASPS)

(PANTING, SHIVERING)

(GRUNTING)

Come on! You're almost there!

(GASPING, PANTING) (GRUNTING)

I told you.

Global warming.

(EXHALES) Oh, shit.

TV: It's a wintry mess here...

I still think you should've gone to the hospital.

Mm-mmm. No, no.

No, Duluth is, like, two hours away from here.

I took a hot shower. I'll be fine.

Well, you look purple and bloated.

I always look bloated.

It's okay, it's okay.

I work really hard to look this bloated.

(LAUGHS) It's a point of pride for me.

TV: Good evening. I'm Michelle Lee.

Mother Nature is once again trying to put a damper on...

Do you mind if I shower?

You want to take a shower here? I was on the ice too.

Remember? I do. I do. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, yeah. Knock yourself out.

(CLEARS THROAT) (TV CONTINUES)

Um...

I think I should probably take you home after that though. Okay?

Are you sure?

Uh, what would, uh...

What would your family say if they saw you here with me?

We're not doing anything wrong.

I just think that it would probably be the right choice.

Okay?

Like it was the right choice for me to risk my life saving a total stranger?

I thanked you for that, like, a hundred times. Didn't I? I mean...

I just, uh...

You want me to get out of here 'cause you got what you needed.

What? That's real fuckin' nice.

Hey, you don't even know me, okay?

A-And watch your mouth, young lady.

I know you. I know men. You want money.

You want sex. You want drugs.

Whoa... What? Wh-What are you talking... Hold on.

I was just simply saying that I think maybe you should...

Get the hell out of here! I heard you.

Maybe if I get home in time, I can still score some pharmaceuticals for my mom's boyfriend and we can all do some meth together and watch cartoons.

(DOOR OPENS, SLAMS)

(TV CONTINUES) From the direction of Eau Claire City...

(SIGHS)

Hey, stop! Stop! Hey, hey, hey!

God bless America! Stop!

You're gonna get pneumonia. I-I-I'm really sorry.

I'm really, really sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

Okay? Genuinely.

All right, listen. Just, uh, you know, come back inside.

Let me at least put some clothes on and I will drive you home.

I can walk.

Get your butt back in the hotel room, or I'm gonna drop this towel!

(SHIVERING)

You'll be scarred for life.

Good choice.

Smart choice. Oh!

Let me in.

Now, the state patrol, as well as local law enforcement agencies, are stepping up their...

And, uh, you know, I was gonna be a big-shot lawyer.

I was gonna be, you know, rich, have a...

(INHALES, EXHALES) A house on the lake, and a different car for the winter, a different one for the summer.

But everything just... fell apart.

Rough.

Yeah.

Anyway, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

So, you, uh... you guys just moved here, yeah?

Me and my mom move around a lot. I'm gettin' out of here though.

You are? On your own?

I'm filing for emancipation this summer.

I'm gonna get my G.E.D., and... Whoa.

I got a 1990 on my S.A.T.'s.

No, you didn't. They only go up to 1600.

They changed it.

They changed it. Nobody ever tells me anything.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, um... what college you gonna go to?

I don't know. You don't know?

You gotta go to college.

It's sort of expensive.

Yeah. (BANGING ON DOOR)

Open up. Cook County Sheriff. What? No. No way.

Oh, my God. Put your shoes on. Wait...

Ho! Whoa! On the floor.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Okay.

We should stop and ask.

This is why we should have gotten a G.P.S. Take you right there.

Hey. "Lutsen, 25 miles."

All right.

(KNOCKING)

Yeah?

Hi. Miss Anderson? Maybe.

I'm Scott Thomas. This is my wife Kristin.

We're friends of Lumpy's.

KRISTIN: Hi.

W-We have bad news, I'm afraid.

Who's Lumpy?

Aren't you Ramsey Anderson?

No, that's my daughter.

Your daughter?

Is she home? How old is your daughter?

Um, look, I don't know who you people are, but...

You're friends of Lumpy's? JAIME: Who is Lumpy?

Mom, it's cool.

You know these people?

Sort of, yes.

Fine. I gotta go to work.

I'm sorry about that. She's tired.

You guys can come in. Thanks.

Um...

I'm afraid we have some bad news, Ramsey.

Lumpy passed away this week.

SCOTT: There was an accident at our wedding, and it was...

It was very sudden for everyone.

So we wanted to tell you.

What happened?

Well, he, uh...

He fell in the desert. He fell and he hit his head.

And he... he died.

We don't know what, exactly, your relationship was with Lumpy.

It's none of our business, so...

No, but we want you to know that you can talk to us.

(COINS CLINKING)

I should probably get going actually, if that's cool.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay.

Well, would you like the details for the funeral service?

'Cause it's gonna be Monday in Minneapolis and...

That's okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) Um...

Sorry you guys had to drive all the way up here.

I'm just glad we were able to tell you.

Nice to meet you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

What was that? I don't know.

She acted like she didn't even know him.

(FOOTSTEPS) They're gone?

Yeah. It was just a misunderstanding.

(SIGHS)

Danny gets all bent out of shape if I'm five minutes late.

If you see Winston, tell him I'll be off at 1:00.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Smile.

Hmm?

You never smile.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CRYING)


KRISTIN: Can't we just drive back tonight?

Oh, come on. Please, no.

It's so cold. I'm tired.

Let's just order a pizza and crash here.

It just seems like a waste of money.

(SIGHS) Waste of money?

(CHUCKLES) It's, like, 39 bucks a night.

Think we can still swing that.

Mmm. (EXHALES)

What are you doing?

I'm gonna check for bedbugs.

Um...

(EXHALES)

I quit my job.

What? Yeah.

Quit. Done. Quit my job.

Rick wouldn't give me the commission yet again, so I finally called his dad...

Please tell me that you're joking.

Nope.

And, uh, Rick Senior tells me that I'm not a team player.

You quit your job now?

Why are you saying it like that?

You're the one that said they were crooks.

Yeah, they are, but I didn't say "quit your job."

We have a wedding to pay for!

Well, you're the one that bought a $2,000 dress.

It was 3,000.

Oh, Jesus, Kris.

Oh, my God. You have to get your job back.

I can't get my job back! I don't want to get my job back!

Keep shafting me on commissions, and I'm done.

That's what Lumpy would have done.

Oh, well, by all means let's follow Lumpy's example.

What has he done? He dropped out of law school.

He got fired for embezzlement.

Now I think he's committed statutory rape!

Stop it! Please don't. Just don't.

You know how we could afford Mexico?

Lumpy gave me the money.

He got us a honeymoon, and I can't even get his funeral right.

You never told me that.

He asked me not to tell you.

Wh-Where are you going? I'm gonna find us some food.

(GLASS BREAKS, FAINT)

WINSTON: I don't care. (LAUGHTER)

(MAN, WOMAN LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Get away!

(MAN LAUGHING) (WOMAN LAUGHING) Stop!

(KISSING SOUNDS) (MAN MOANS)

Ow. Ow! My hand's burning.

(LAUGHING) Ow! (LAUGHING)

WINSTON: What'd you do? Oh!

Ramsey. No. Not in front of her, no.

WINSTON: I'm... Hey! It's okay, baby.

Not in front of my little girl! Calm down.

Why... Get out of here! Get out!

(JAIME WHINING) I don't want her to see. I don't want her to see.

WINSTON: It's all right.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(EXHALES)

Where'd you get muffins in Lutsen?

They're just Hostess cupcakes.

Well, it's still a pretty good effort.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry about the honeymoon and the job.

No. No.

I should be apologizing to you.

You did the right thing.

I promise you we're gonna have a honeymoon.

We're gonna have a... a great honeymoon.

I know.

I need a ride.

To the funeral. Can I go with you guys?

Uh, sure.

Yeah, we can drive you to Minneapolis.

But how you gonna get back home?

I don't know. I'd take the bus or something?

I think we should figure that out before...

Yeah... I'm pregnant.

It's Lumpy's.

I knew it.

I have to go to the funeral. Lumpy would have wanted me...

I mean, us to be there.

Why can't we just leave? Because that would be kidnapping.

So we're gonna ask your mom. Remember our deal.

Yeah, I won't say anything about the pregnancy to your mom.

And I won't mention it at the funeral.

Perfect.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Mom. Hi again.

They shouldn't be here. Mom, it's okay.

We just came to ask if we could take Ramsey to Minneapolis.

What's he talking about? It's for the funeral.

No one is taking my daughter anywhere.

It's for Lumpy.

I don't care what it's for. I don't even know you.

We're friends of...

Friends of a mutual friend, Lumpy.

Yeah? Lumpy?

You were going, uh...

Going off with some Lumpy guy?

Where did you find those? Doesn't matter.

You went through my room and dug through my stuff.

I'm your mother! I can go through what the... the hell I want to!

Who'd you bring in this house? This about last night?

SCOTT: No, listen, everything's totally cool.

We just came here to ask you guys if we could take Ramsey to a funeral for our friend Lumpy.

Who?

Let's just... We should go. No. I'm coming with you.

Yeah, listen. I'm just trying to respect the wishes of a friend who passed away. I don't care what you're doing.

Get the hell out of here. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

We gotta go. Baby, what are you doing?

Social Services. That what this is?

No! Oh, no, no, no.

He's in real estate. I'm a third grade teacher.

Yeah.

Wh-Where did you get that?

I promise you, there's no reason for that, okay? E-Everything's fine.

We just... We have a mutual friend who passed away.

We're just going to a funeral. That's it.

I told you to leave! Okay.

SCOTT: Okay. We'll go.

Baby, it's okay.

Maybe they're right. Maybe Ramsey should go to the funeral.

Ms. Shirley said that it was okay.

Ms. Shirley? Yeah.

She said that maybe it's a good time for you to start traveling.

You know, seeing other pl... Hold on.

How long you gonna be gone? I don't know.

Um, the funeral is tomorrow, so we can put her on a bus by Monday night, Tuesday morning.

Here. I want you to have it.

I want you to know we're gonna take really good care of her.

It's only for a couple days. We'll have her back.

Make sure. Yeah, we will.

We should go. Okay.

I'm sorry again about all the confusion and, um...

I-I-I didn't catch your name.

Um, you know what?

I-I'm just gonna leave you a business card there.

That's me and my cell number, if you need to get in touch, check in.

Okay.

I love you.

(CRYING)

(DOOR CLOSES) WINSTON: Jesus.

It's only gonna be two days.

(DOOR SLAMS)


S-So, how often would Lumpy come and visit you, Ramsey?

Almost every weekend.

Really?

And, um, your mom never met him?

We hung out at the motel mostly.

Huh.

So, you guys just got married four days ago?

Mmm. Yeah.

Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon or something?

KRISTIN: Mmm.

Yeah, supposed to be... (SIGHS)

Lying under a palm tree in a caftan, sipping a mojito.

What's a caftan?

Never mind.

So... (SIGHS)

No honeymoon.

Nope. Hmm.

Waste of a perfectly good boob job.

You got a boob job?

No, I did not, Ramsey. I was just kidding.

I didn't think so.

I need a Xanax.

Again? What do you mean? "Again"?

What do you mean, "again"?

You took one earlier. Yeah.

Did I? You did.

My mom says taking drugs for fun is okay, but taking them for problems is not.

'Cause once the drugs wear off, you still have the problem.

Yeah.

Why'd you quit your job?

Wh... Huh? Why'd I qui...

Oh.

It's a long story, Ramsey.

Hmm.

We got two hours till Minneapolis.

Yeah.

KRISTIN: Pop'll kill you.

We have green tea.

Ever had goji berries?

(SPITS) Oh.

Well, they're filled with antioxidants.

Well, I'm 15. I don't need antioxidants.

That's Lumpy's ultimate fighting phase.

Lumpy fought? Mmm.

Only with Jim Beam.

Hey, is this picture from the Wisconsin Dells truck?

Yeah. How'd you know that?

He talked about you guys all the time.

(BEEP)

What's wrong? That was the coroner.

Uh, apparently Lumpy didn't bleed to death.

He had a heart failure. What?

Yeah. It had nothing to do with the cactus.

He had a heart attack? He had a heart attack.

The coroner said it was like, um, you know, when young athletes just collapse on the field.

Did you know that Lumpy had a heart condition?

I don't think Lumpy knew he had a heart condition.

He knew.

He knew about his heart. He had I.H.S.S.

How do you know?

He told me.

What's I.H.S.S.?

Uh, idiopathic hyper...

Something-something. It's pretty rare, probably genetic.

So Lumpy told you he had a heart defect?

I just said that.

What else did he tell you?

Lots of things. Yeah? Like what?

Like, why do you care? I-I-I'll tell you why.

Because I don't know what he's doing, where he's working, who he's dating.

I don't really know anything about the guy, as it turns out.

Neither do I. Oh, n...

I think you knew him pretty well, actually.

Did Lumpy know about the baby?

Scott... No, no, no. Did he?

Did Lumpy know about the baby? I don't know!

You don't know if you told your own boyfriend you were pregnant?

I mean, what the hell? What if she got pregnant on purpose?

She's just a girl.

What if that made his heart thing worse?

It doesn't matter. Of course it matters!

What are you talking about? He's gone, Scott.

I know that. I just...

He told a 15-year-old girl he was dying. He didn't tell me.

I just wish he'd told me.

Oh, I wish he had told me.

You told me you would never involve her in the drugs.

You promised.

We all make our sacrifices.

Yeah.

You know what I think? I think she got caught on purpose.

And I'm gonna have a little talk with her when she gets back.


GAIL: Scott. Hi, Gail.

I am so sorry. So sorry.

He was just way too young. He was.

Hey, Roger. Hi, Scott.

Uh, I gotta...

So, don't you look pretty.

(LAUGHS) I like your hair like that.

Have you taken any pills today? What?

Well, your father and I are very worried about you and drugs.

Oh, my God.

Honey, we love you very much. Yes, we do.

My God. This is about Neil on the plane?

Yes, Neil did say something to his mother, and he's only trying to help.

This is so ridiculous.

I thank the Lord that he did say something.

Because otherwise I wouldn't know that you have a problem.

I don't have a problem! Honey, a-all right.

Don't get excited. We're gonna talk about this later.

Yeah, that's good. That's right.

We'll talk about it later. Please go sit down.

Just no drugs today. (WHISPERS) Mother!

FATHER: Honey.

What is going on?

I... I can't talk about it. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.


(FLUSHES)

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

My name is Ramsey Anderson.

I know a lot of you probably don't know who I am or how I knew Lumpy.

(WHISPERS) Oh, God.

It's sort of a long story.

Lumpy had a minor heart attack a year and a half ago.

And the doctors told him there was no way to know for sure, but they didn't think he would live more than a year or two.

He had I.H.S.S. It's a heart defect, which means the walls of his heart were hard and thick.

And knowing Lumpy, that's difficult for me to believe.

He didn't tell anyone about his heart because he didn't want his friends or family to worry.

And if he only had a little time left to live, the last thing he wanted to be was a lawyer.

He just wanted to fish and have fun.

But then he met me.

What's this? My last rites already?

We're dropping the charges.

The girl told us what happened.

We went out to the lake, saw where you fell through.

You're lucky.

RAMSEY: Lumpy started visiting me, um, twice a month, and then every week.

And he'd come up and I'd do my homework in his motel room, or we'd go fishing.

(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

It was fun.

It was always fun with Lumpy.

I know this sounds weird, but he was the first real friend I ever had.

But when things got worse for me at home, he decided he had to do something.

So you want Ramsey to move to Minneapolis with you?

Yeah. Why not?

She could start at the "U" a year early.

She aced her S.A.T., and she gets good grades.

She's also 15 years old.

Yeah. And you know what's going on inside that house.

She's gotta get out.

You might be right, but you're not her parent.

Then help us convince her mother that it's the best thing for Ramsey.

What if something happens to you?

Nothing's gonna happen to me.

You sure this is what you want?

Yeah.

I want to leave.

But we never got to that part of the plan.

There are a lot of moments in life, and I didn't know Lumpy very long.

Most of you probably had more time with him than I did, but just because dying on a cactus was Lumpy's last moment doesn't mean it was his most important one.

I loved my friend and the moments we had.

I loved Lumpy.


(EXHALES)

That was really good, what you said in there.

And I know Lumpy would have liked it.

When I yelled at you yesterday, that wasn't about you.

But I had no right to do that, and I'm... I'm very sorry.

I've been yelled at a lot worse.

That doesn't really make me feel better.

I'm not pregnant.

Yeah, I kinda figured that out.

Lumpy was a great guy. He never would have...

I know. I know.

What's he doing here?

Rick? You know Rick?

That's Rick?

Rick the Realtor Rick? The one that took your commission?

Yeah. But...

Hey, what are you doing? I'll be right back.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Can I talk to you about a friend of mine?

He's like a father to me.

Jaime!

I had to wait 45 minutes out there.

Jaime?

(DRAWER SLIDES OPEN)


I wanted to tell you I'm really sorry about your son.

Thank you.

I have something for you.

When I went to Lumpy's apartment, I found this with your name on it.

This is your money.

It's an advance to help with your transition to Minneapolis.

I put the rest in a safe deposit box.

Why are you doing this?

If Lumpy wanted you to start college early, that's what you should do.

You'll probably have to get a part-time job, but that should go a long way towards tuition.

I don't know what to say.

You know, I always felt bad my son never met anyone to love, someone to love him back.

It's really good to know that I was wrong.


Hon. Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

What is this? Looks like a wedding gift?

I don't know. Just came today.

Open it.

"Knew you always wanted one of these. Love, Lumpy."

It's a robe. He knew you always wanted a robe?

It's not a robe.

Looks like a robe. What is it?

It's a caftan.

It's... It's a caftan.

Is she okay? Yeah, she's good.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, I guess I should find my way home.

Is there a bus station around here somewhere?

Uh, your mom called this morning.

She did?

Yeah. She left Lutsen.

She's left a lot of towns.

You know, I...

I-I honestly think this is good for her.

I-I think it's good for you too.

Anyway, I know she wants to get help.

Where is she?

I don't know.

We're gonna figure this out.

Where am I supposed to go? You stay here for now.

With you? Yeah.

You guys just got married. You don't want me here.

We talked about it, okay?

Stay here.

For how long? For as long as it takes.

Lumpy had good taste in friends.

Besides, I think I owe you one. I don't know what you said to Rick.

Nothing. Nothing?

"Nothing" got me my job back?

I just promised I'd help him out with something.

Oh, God. What?

You know what? I don't want to know, do I?

(EXHALES) Probably not. (LAUGHS) Okay.

Well, we'll table it. (CHUCKLES)

You hungry? Starving.

Come on.

Hello.