Bewitched (2005) Script

It's perfect. Oh great!

I'll take it! Oh, wonderful! It's just... There's one thing.

I'm going to need some references. I don't have any of those.

Oh dear. That's serious. I don't know that we can do business together. if you don't have references.

Bye, now!


Daddy... What's going on, Isabel?

I'm moving here.

To the Valley? Why on earth would you do that?

Because it's normal.

You're normal. You're just... I know. But I'm not going to be one anymore.

You have no choice in the matter. It's what you are.

Orange is a great color. Orange is happy.

Happy? Why don't we just paint it yellow?

We can't paint it yellow. We're going to paint the bathroom yellow.

Since when are we painting the bathroom yellow?

They're arguing about paint. Yes, I can see that.

I want to argue about paint. With whom?

With someone. A man?

Yes! Oh Isabel...

I'm through with warlocks. They're all just like you.

Even when you and Mother were married, you were always casting spells on other women.

Your life is total instant gratification, Daddy.

It's fantastic, isn't it? No, no it's not, because how do you know that anyone really loves you for yourself?

It's like those rich men who are never really sure why women sleep with them.

But women sleep with them, so it's not really a problem.

I want a man who needs me. Needs you?

Mm hmm. Because he is a completely hopeless mess.

Oh, no. You're talking about love, aren't you?

What do you suppose it's like?

Oh, it's simple. You say, "I love you" to someone you want to go home with.

And then when things get messy, you say, "I don't love you anymore."

And that's pretty much it. I feel as if I'm pressed against a glass window.

It's right there on the other side. I can see it, but I can't feel it.

I can't touch it.

Does your mother know about this? She disappeared again.

$420.56. Money. Money.

That was my last thing as a witch.

I want to be like everyone else. I want to have friends and I want to...

And I want to go to the Coffee Bean, where we all discuss our problems, which are absolutely unsolvable.

You can have anything you want. Every woman wants to be a witch.

I don't. I want to feel thwarted. I want days where my hair is affected by weather.

Yeah, hi, what can I get you? Scrambled eggs, please.

I am through with just snapping my fingers and getting my way.

No breakfast after 11. Oh. My absolutely last thing.

Don't do this. You'll meet someone, you'll get this close and when he finds out about...

If he loves me, he won't care.

I'm going to get an umbrella.

Go on. Get yourself one. No, Daddy. No. I mean it. No. Never again.

You'll get wet. I hope so.

I know what you're going to say. I'm a mess.

Get a grip, Jack. Get a grip. I can't help it.

Hey, how do I look? You look great.

I look great? Yeah!

I always look great. That's a given. And the important thing is...

What? I have no idea what the important thing is.

I'm telling you, I feel like I'm about to go out of my mind.

You know, I want my life back. Okay? I want my wife and my house.

I want to be a movie star again. I mean, what the hell happened, Richie?

Things were going so great there for a while.

Last Year in Katmandu Oh don't bring it up.

It cost $140 mill to make and grossed 1.6.. The only DVD to sell no copies.

We probably shouldn't have shot it in black-and-white.

But now you're going to do a television series and it's going to be a big hit.

So pull yourself together, man, because you look like Don Johnson, but in a bad way.

Ok, I got it, I'll pull myself together. Ok? Let's go.

And don't get all nice on me. Be mean. Going to be mean.

OK? Be mean. Be mean. Hit me.

There you go. You're the Jackerator, baby. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Yo, gentlemen. How are you? Oh! Hey, hello!

Jack Wyatt Hi, I'm Jack.

Huge fan, huge. How are the kids, guys?

Good. Great!

Good. Good. Well, let's cut the chitchat. I'm Jack, by the way.

Nina. Jack wants to do the show.

That's great. I want to do it.

Great. That's terrific. He only has one concern.

We have the same concern. We think everyone's forgotten about Last Year in Katmandu.

Unless they saw it. His concern is, the witch has all the fun.

You will be fun. We're changing it from the original.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't all go crazy. Okay? I mean, it is Bewitched.

I mean, Samantha, she should be strong, right? This should be a two-hander.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Huh? Hey. What a relief.

I was worried because Larry told me you'd want us to tilt the entire show towards you...

No, no, no. Stu, Stu.

We've got to have a great ensemble is what I'm thinking. You know?

Endora, the next-door neighbors, all those crazy family members.

Who's going to play Uncle Arthur? Huh? I used to love Uncle Arthur.

Well, we're looking for Uncle Arthur.

Your table's ready. Thank you.

I don't know if you guys remember this, but when he'd appear in the mirror it would crack, it would always crack. And you knew it was coming, and yet, every time it happened, I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.

Can I talk to you for a second? I loved it!

Can I talk to you? "Hiya, Sammy."

One second, fellows. We'll meet you guys at the table, all right?

Hey, I like those guys. What? You're being a pussy.

What? You're being a pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!

No, I'm not! I want the show to be good. You want the show to be...?

You know what, Jack Wyatt's doing TV now because his film career ate it!

And he's not even the clear star of his own show. Jack, screw Uncle Arthur.

Hell, screw ensembles, man. I'm being a pussy.

Yes. If this show tanks, you'll be the bottom right square on Hollywood Squares for the next 10 years. You will also be the mayor of Pussytown. You read me?

I don't want to be the mayor of Pussytown.

No, get in there and be the sheriff of Ballsville, all right?

Ok. Bring it! Let's go!

Stop that. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry, guys, where were we?

A couple of big names are available for Samantha.

To hell with that. Yeah.

I want an unknown in the lead. All right? A hot new face that's going to look good and set me up. Because I have worked my ass off to the bone for too long to build up the brand value of the name Jack Wyatt!

This show has one star. And I want three trailers.

Nobody in television has three trailers. He wants them, you get them.

And I want my own personal makeup team in matching jumpsuits.

And a leopard! I want a pet leopard. With a diamond.. Studded collar. Real diamonds.

That's enough, Jack. And a cake. A two-story-high cake.

Every Wednesday's Cake Day.

And we're going to bring it out and we're going to pretend it's a surprise, because it's Cake Day. We get it, Jack.

If we have a leopard, we're going to have major insurance issues.

Well, we're willing to give on the leopard. It's getting hard to breathe.

Should I be writing this down? No.

So this should be fun. Huh? Right?

Gosh, I used to have the biggest crush on Elizabeth Montgomery when I was 10 years old. We all did.

The nose! I mean...

It's not going to be easy finding a nobody to play Samantha.

Be the sheriff.

Well, Jack Wyatt says get it done, y'all.

Hey! I'm turning on the sprinklers in my front yard!

Dimming up...

Dimming down...

Dimming up...

Dimming down...

Wow!

I don't think you quite understand. This is very confusing.

I put the black cable in the red plug like they said and the screen is still blue.

I'm here to give you cable.

Oh, thank you, I already have some.

Hello? Don't go away, please.

Oh, to heck with all this bunk!


There.

Hmm. Let's just keep this between us, Lucinda.

Is your self-esteem low because you aren't participating in the real world?

Yes, my self-esteem is very low.

Well, let's face it, you need a job.

There's something I have to tell you, Darrin.

I'm a witch.

I'm a witch.

I am a witch.

Good. Good.


Oh my goodness.

God bless you.


Don't look, but Jack Wyatt is staring at you.

My heart's pounding, and I am feeling very weird tingles.

I know. He makes me sick, too. You know him?

Jack Wyatt, the actor? Huh. Where have you been?

May I join you? Uh, sure!

Hi, I'm Jack Wyatt. I know.

Thank you. Look, I've never done this before.

How would you like to be on a television show? Miss... Bigelow.

Bigelow? Mm hmm.

Isabel Bigelow. Oh.

So what do you think? Do you want to want to be a famous actress?

Me? An actress? Yeah.

I can't act. Oh, anyone can act. If I can act, you can act.

Amen.

You know, I think those people over there just finished their plate of hummus.

You might want to help them by clearing it. Thank you.

So, Isabel Bigelow. Do you have a job? No.

Are you rich? Because I am. I'm extremely wealthy.

Which I'm about to prove to you by taking care of this bill for two dollars and 31 cents.

Wow! Yeah. Wow is right.

I have to remember to get some money. Yeah.

So, do you want to be rich and famous?

I just want to be normal. Well, acting is better than normal.

You get to pretend to be normal. And if you're good, you become a big star and guess what happens? What?

You snap your fingers and pretty much anything you want materializes Oh no. No no no no. No. I have that now. It's what I'm giving up.

Oh, um, it was lovely to meet you.

You seem very sweet and unkempt and troubled.

Hey! Hey hey hey hey. Those are bad things to say to a person.

Oh no they aren't. I think the fact that you're a hopeless mess is very refreshing.

It moves me.

Isabel Bigelow. Yes?

I need you. What did you say?

I said I need you. You need me.

I need you. You don't have to come audition.

Just come and show everyone what you look like when you do it.

Like this?

Uncanny. It's identical.

I told you.

We would just like you to read the script. Start on page 13, should be marked there.

Read it? Mm hmm.

Okay, out loud. Yeah, we just want to get an idea what it could sound like.

Uh, int honeymoon suite night, uh, dash night. That one's not too bright.

Just, uh, just read the part that says "Samantha."

Um, "Darrin, I know it's our honeymoon but there's

"something I have to tell you. I'm a witch." I'm not a witch!

Yeah, exactly. No, you're giving it up. Who told you?

You're about to, on the next page.

It's Bewitched, the TV show? We're redoing it.

Oh, I wasn't allowed to watch Bewitched. I...

Who wasn't allowed to watch Bewitched? That's great, Jack!

That's great. Well, I play a mortal, and I'm in love with you, and I don't care that you're a witch.

You don't care? No? Is that true? Yes, it is. Yeah.

Now go ahead and read the lines.

I'll read with you, actually. We'll do it together. Randall, where are you?

Yes, thank you. This will be easy. Mm hmm.

Here? Yeah.

"I'm a witch, Darrin. A real house-haunting, broomstick-flying, "cauldron-stirring witch!"

Great. Ok. You know what, let's put the script down, let's put it away and we'll improvise.

Jack? That was only one line. Mm. Not a big deal. Go ahead, just set it down.

Randall...

Now, I'm going to ask you questions, and you just answer them as if you're a witch.

Sure. Yeah. Uh, were your parents in the witch business?

Both of them. My mother fixed the 1986 World Series.

Funny! Um, make a note of that.

Do you carry around poison apples, like in Snow White?

Oh no, you have to have a permit for a poison apple. Permit? Ok, good to know.

That's good.

Um, oh, What's it like to date a warlock?

Oh, horrible! They're so self-centered, not very bright, and all that

"feel-good-in-the-moment," you know? Not at all like you.

What's so funny? Nothing, J-Bone.

Oh, what's your favorite spell?

Oh no, I don't like to talk about that because I'm quitting, and...

No, talking about it just makes it harder, so...

Great. Are you sure you never saw Bewitched?

She's incredibly dialed-in. Can I ask a question?

Sure. How much longer do we have to do this for?

Oh, this? We're almost done with this. I mean, if you do the show, we'll be together forever.

You and I? Would you please do the show, Isabel?

What, this show? This show.

The Bewitched show? Absolutely. We'll be working together. We'll be partners.

Be my TV wife. This is very complicated.

Marry me. Say yes! What are you doing, Isabel?

Easy answer! Yes.

Yes! Great, thank you!

Ok, let's make the deal.

Once upon a time, there was a typical American girl...

Who happened to bump into a typical, red-blooded American boy.

And she bumped into him...

And bumped into him.

So they decided they'd better sit down and talk this over before they had an accident.

Hi! Hello?

They delivered this while you were out, and I said I'd bring it over.

I'm your neighbor, Maria Kelly. Come in!

What is all this stuff? I just got the most amazing job.

I'm going to be Samantha on Bewitched! They're re-doing it.

Are you an actress? I guess I am.

Oh, I love that show! Is that the one about the genie? No?

This is so exciting!

Aah! There you are. Come here. This is you!

Oh, I love this show!

You know it? Watched it every night! Love the song! Perfect!

There you are! You're great! Look at the nose!

I hope you can do that. That's hard.

Oh, that's how I got the job, wriggling my nose.

Really? Mm hmm, it's easy.

Who's going to play your husband? Jack Wyatt.

Oh my God! He believes in me, he wants to be partners with me.

Listen to this, "Looking forward to working with you, Isabel.

"As dictated to Jack's assistant, Randall."

Isn't that amazing?

He's single. It's in all the tabloids. His wife dumped him.

Is that true? Yes!

Oh my gosh!

I don't know why we're doing this, but it's fun! I know!

Although, you really shouldn't get involved with someone you're working with.

They can destroy your references. I'm a career counselor, and...

Well that's the only reason I took the job.

He is the cutest mess you have ever seen. He is hopeless.

Oh, gosh, he's beyond mortal. My father would never approve.

Oh.

I won't? Daddy. Hi.

What are you doing here?

Hello, Isabel. Love the hat. And who is this?

This is my father. This is Maria Kelly, Woo hoo hoo, how witchy was that? We talk about your father and he turns up.

Maria is my neighbor. Nigel Bigelow. Enchante.

Oh, ok. And what won't I approve of?

A man Isabel thinks is cute. I'm completely against it.

I'm going to be an actress in a television series.

She's going to play Samantha on Bewitched.

Bewitched? That's an insult to our way of life.

Your Dad is a hoot!

I'm just going to go ahead and take one of these, because you've got a lot here.

Oh sure. Anyway, if anyone's robbing my house, let me know, and I'll do the same for you.

Oh! And if you get a date that has a friend, make sure he's not secretly married before you call me. Bye, Nigel!

Bye, Maria. Bye, Maria.

Why can't you be happy for me?

In less than a week I have become a rich and famous actress living in a house I don't even have to pay rent for just like every other person in the world.

Why wouldn't I be happy? You've turned your back on your own kind, and now you live down the street from a Denny's.

Don't make fun of my life. I could make fun of your life. So, what about this man?

No, I am not telling you anything anymore, you're too negative.

One morning, I shot a lion in my pajamas.

Now, what he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know.

Uncle Arthur. Classic.

Your brand of low comedy always did appeal to adolescent mentality.

I won't do it. Speaking of traveling, Darrin, remember that time...

Maybe I will. Maybe I will.

Sent over from Europe. It's simply gorgeous. It reminds me of the one in California.

Lucinda, you really should be watching this.

I'm only trying to say that you broke your promise. You gave me your word, no more...

Stuff. It's a little harder to break the habit than I thought.

Well you can do it. I've got a lot of faith in you. Aw, thank you, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the new Bewitched, Jack Wyatt!

Hey, I didn't expect you guys to be here!

Okay, as you know, we're here for Bewitched. But of course it's not the same Bewitched that you remember. It's being retooled.

But there is going to be a Samantha, isn't there? Of course.

Isabel, can you come out here?

Be brave. You look beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'd like you to meet the talented and delightful Ms. Isabel Bigelow. Say hello to the people, Isabel.

Hello! No, no, into the microphone. Here. Here.

Hello! That's enough. Now do that thing that you do.

Great! Just stand there.

And guess who's playing Endora.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the great, the legendary Miss Iris Smythson, as my mother-in-law.

Iris Smythson. Iris? Iris?

Ok, yeah.

Iris Smythson. And of course she hates me. Don't you?

Anything you say, Jerry. Jack. See what I mean? That's a joke, right?

Endora used to refer to Darrin as Derwood. No, I just forgot your name.

But the news here isn't Iris Smythson, or Jack Wyatt, who's trying the small screen after the twin disasters of his last movie, and a messy split from his wife, Sheila who's already found someone new after a marriage that lasted only 19 months.

Didn't she leave him for a snowboarder/underwear model? He's a moron/idiot.

That's right. Aren't they living together?

Yes, in my house! My house that I bought before I even met her.

But she won't move or sign the divorce papers.

The big news is the surprise casting of an unknown as Samantha.

Her name is Isabel Bigelow and she's quite the charmer, isn't she? That's magic.

So, what's Jack Wyatt thinking?

"My career has tanked, so I'll fix it by playing Darrin"?

Yeah. Because that's crazy. Who's running his life? Plus, he did not look well.

Not look well? I look fine. I'm extremely healthy.

Oh, Richie. Richie. What am I going to do with you?

This is Richie.

Richie. Why'd you talk me into doing this show? Huh?

What was I thinking? What were you thinking?

We were both thinking the same thing, Jackattack. Cast a nobody.

You're completely safe.

Richie, can't you come over here? I really could use a little support on this one.

Jack, I can't because I'm about to step into a meeting with the head of NBC.

I'll be right there! One second!

Look, I don't know if you know this, but I'm Darrin, okay?

They replaced Darrin on the original Bewitched and no one noticed!

Nobody is going to replace you.

I'm Darrin! How did this happen?


Hold the work!

Once upon a time, there was a typical red-blooded American boy who happened to bump into a typical American girl.

And cut!

Jack, Jack. How was I? How was I?

That was so good! Don't lie to me.

My ribs hurt.

Jack? Uno mas? From the top? One more?

Did you see what happened? Good stuff.

Moving on!

You know it, dude. Nice one. Here we go. Off to a good start, huh?

And after a while, he did what any red-blooded American boy would do.

Samantha, will you marry me? Cut!

Great! Beautiful. That was good.

Action. You're a witch?

And you waited until our wedding night to tell me?

I don't believe this! Oh, golly!

Samantha.

Cut! Cut! Joey, for God's sake.

Are you trying to kill everyone? Because we can't breathe.

Iris, you can't nod to the audience in the middle of the show.

It just breaks the reality. What?

You can't nod to them. You can't do a little... Go sit!

In your chair. Back to your chair. All right, but...

Take two up. Rolling! You're a witch?

And you waited until our wedding night to tell me? I can't believe this.

What's going on?

Samantha.

Why is she waving?

Who are you? I am Samantha's mother, Endora.

A mortal? You married a mortal? Oh, my poor, poor baby.

This is just horrifying. I think I need a drink.

Freeze!

Unfreeze!

Aaah!

What a shame you didn't drink it. If you had, perhaps you could've spent your wedding night as a bullfrog.

Don't worry, Samantha. I won't do it. Witch's honor.

My darling, we are quicksilver. We're a fleeting shadow.

We're a distant sound. That's your mother?

We live on the wind, in the sparkle of a star.

And you want to trade all that for an acre of crabgrass?

Did she just call me an acre of crabgrass? Deal with it, Derwood.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I want a piece of the show. Why? Because I put this thing together, that's why.

Because Jack Wyatt doesn't parallel park without checking with me.

Let me call you back. J-Bone! You're crushing it, baby. Absolutely crushing it.

I think we got something. It's exciting.

How's Isabel doing? She's perfect. She looks hot and she lets you score like a madman.

I know. She's great. I can't believe you found her, baby.

You think she's going to notice?

What? That she doesn't have a part? Not a chance. She's clueless.

Plus, I think she's got a little thing for you. It's freaking pathetic.

You think so? Yes.

Man, that would be... Such a nightmare. I know. Can you imagine?

Although, she does have kind of a cute little back end on her.

I mean, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating a box of crackers.

Isabel?

Did she hear us? Not a chance.

A couple of changes to the script.

It was running a little long, so we cut your lines.

Think of it this way, it's less to memorize.

Sorry.

Lunch!

Isabel!

I feel like a fool. A big, stupid, sad fool, and yet I'm angry as well.

What's going on? Let's set fire to his trailer. Let's just do it.

Isabel, this is awesome! You're on TV.

He lied to me. He tricked me. He said he needed me.

When all he needed was someone to stand next to him while he says his stupid clever lines.

Hi, I'm Maria. Nina.

He seemed so messy and sincere. But really, he's just a big fake.

We could electrocute him. There's tons of wires around here.

I want to cry. I want to break things. I want to hurt him.

Yet there's a part of me that still has a small amount of feeling for him.

How can this be? When my first husband left me, I wanted to cut the brake cables in his car, but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.

He doesn't understand who he's dealing with. He has no idea.

Look, you have three options. You put up with it, quit, or get mad.

What would Samantha do?

She chose mad, right?

Aaah!

Okay, everybody, settle down. Okay, working very quietly, like little mice.

I don't want to see or hear what you're doing.

Okay, so, Isabel, just to refresh your memory, Darrin's ex-girlfriend...

I read the script. Okay. Well, let's just go over it one more time.

Oh, and we rehearsed it a lot. Well, I'm aware of that.

Darrin's ex-girlfriend has invited you both over for dinner.

And Darrin forced you to come with him...

He tricked me. Because he is a self-centered has-been.

No, no, baby, that's not it. No.

Because he wants his dog back, and then Darrin says his line:

"It's my dog. I want him back."

It always kills me, Jack. You ready to go?

Let's do it. Let's do it. All right then. Saddle up. Rolling!

Action!

It's my dog. My dog!

And I will die if I do not have him back.

Do you understand? I will die if I do not have him back!

Cut!

Well, that was a bit much, Jack. You want to take it down a notch?

Or five?

You know what? Just keep it going. Let me just go right away. I'll get it this time Rolling!

Action!

Where art thou, dog? Thy canine lover.

What's happening?

Where is your hot breath upon the nape of my neck?

We shall form a bond of brotherhood, man and beast.

You shall lick my face and I shall lick your snout. Cut! Jack?

Guys, I'm not doing this on purpose, I swear to you. Okay. All right.

Rolling.

("This is my dog.")

("My dog ​​is my heart.")

("Lots of taquitos is good luck.")

Oh my God! Where's my dog? Totally. I have a totally great dog.

Jack. Jack. What are you doing?

This is where the dog has to decide between Darrin's ex and Darrin.

Samantha wiggles her nose and the dog chooses Darrin. Rolling!

I know how we can solve this, Darrin. We'll let Satchel decide.

That's a great idea. Come to Daddy, Satchel. Look! Good boy.

Come to Mommy. Good boy! Satchel...

Okay, Isabel, wiggle your nose. Satchel. Come to Mommy.

Come on. Come on. Up! Right here! Come to Mommy, Satchel.

Come to Daddy. I got it, Jack. I got it.

Don't you dare go to Daddy. Come to Mommy!

No, no, no. You love Daddy. Come on, Satchel.

He's coming. He's coming. He's just sitting there.

Cut!

Jim, what's going on here? Joey!

If the dog runs to you again, try this.

Come to Daddy, Satchel. Satchel, come to Mommy.

Come on! Come on, Satchel. Come on, boy, please?

Good girl.

Thank God you didn't have a great dane!

Damn it!

Cut!

Darling, that was marvelous. But, watch out for that.

Please don't say anything.

Calm down, you're not alone.

I'm not? Are there others?

There are many others. Many actors, they develop tricks, twitches, really.

You don't want to become mannered. Oh, no, I don't.

Thank you, Iris.

Hello. Daddy, what...?

Well, if it isn't my spell.. Casting magical daughter who gave up witchcraft.

You've had quite a day today, haven't you?

I was provoked. I fell off the wagon. It was a one-time thing.

So you're not in love with him anymore?

I have never disliked a man more in my entire life, which proves that I am completely over him.

Not necessarily. In fact...

Besides, it was just a crush, which is an intense but superficial attraction that can easily be mistaken for something deeper. Now go away.

I have a crush on Endora. What?

Daddy, where are you?

I said, I have a crush on Endora.

Daddy. No. So lovely.

Her name is not Endora. It's Iris. Iris. A spring flower.

You can't. Now that I turned out to be so wrong about him, my job is all that I've got.

Please don't mess it up. How could I do that?

How? You'll sleep with her, cheat on her, she'll go crazy and she'll take it out on me.

I don't want you to get involved with Iris. I mean it.

You can't stop being a witch. I can, too. You'll see.

Cannot. Can too.

Just accept it. Never.

Tell me about Bewitched. Some have said it's a crass attempt by the network to market nostalgia rather than take a risk on new ideas.

This isn't the old Bewitched. It's been refocused. Let's just say the only thing I won't be doing is this...

So you leave the nose-wiggling to the witch. But you do it so well.

Well, I don't know about that. I did coach her, though.

Can we get a close-up on the nose? I'd rather not.

Which camera? Here? Okay.

Shall we discuss, dare we discuss, Hello? Last Year in Katmandu?

Hi, Nina. Yes, yes I'm watching him.

What's a dick?

No one ever sets out to make a bad movie...

Oh. What does that have to do with how obnoxious he is being?

Some movies are career-enders...

Right. Right, we need a plan.

What went wrong? You know, I hate to point fingers, but I'm going to blame the wardrobe department. The wardrobe department?

I think it got in the way.

Maybe I should quit. Honey, you can't quit.

Why not? Isn't that what people do? He has to quit, not you.

Yeah, right, like that's ever going to happen.

We have to make him quit. If we get naked pictures of him and pictures of farm animals I could just Photoshop them. That's an excellent idea.

No, no, no. Wait. Calm down. Calm down.

No, no, no, this is not what I wanted. I wanted something normal.

What should I do?

Oh, my. Ooh, what a mess.

Your Aunt Clara used to be able to make a clean landing.

Aunt Clara?

Oh, Aunt Clara. Oh, thank goodness you're here.

I am in the middle of a total, total crisis at work. I'm quitting.

No, you mustn't quit. The show must go on. Isabel, are you all right?

My friends. I have friends. They don't know we're witches. Mum's the word.

You know, there was an Aunt Clara on the original Bewitched.

What a coincidence! She was a witch.

So am I.

She was always screwing up.

Really? I have made up my mind. I'm quitting tomorrow, and I'll do something else, like sailing or polishing fruit.

It's too bad you're not a witch. You could put a hex on Jack.

Oh, I can. I certainly can. Who is Jack?

The reason I'm quitting.

Well, why not put a hex on him. Because I'm giving it up.

Just a little one. Aunt Clara.

Just to get him to behave. I'll do it.

And then I can keep my job. Which would help my self-esteem.

You know, there's only one problem with a hex. There's no such thing as magic.

So, what's your idea, Little Miss Doubtful?

Well, I have a Taser. Nina.

No, I think we should Taser him and throw him into the shark tank at SeaWorld.

No. You think we should do a hex. I think we should do a hex.

♪ Witchy woman, see how high she flies... ♪ A pinch of jasmine, wolfbane, Grapefruit pith. Grapefruit pith.

I feel so alive. I feel like one of those people I'd make fun of.

I feel like I believe in unicorns.

Did I put in the wolfbane? I can't remember. Aunt Clara.

Thank you, darling. Thank you. Oh well...


Isabel.

♪ Isabel, bo-bel, Banana-fana fo-fel Fee-fy-fo-fel, Isabel! ♪

"The Name Game!"

Oh boy. Good morning.

Randall, take that stupid sign off that machine. Free cappuccinos for everyone.

("Good-day, good-day.")

How are we all doing? Has anyone seen Isabel? No, why?

Because I miss her. Listen, Jack.

Yes. We got the test scores from the pilot How did Isabel do? 99% percent in the top box! Why didn't you tell me?

This is great news. Of course she got a 99%. Because she's dynamite.

Absolute dynamite. High-fives all the way around.

But, Jack, there is a problem. Your scores...

32%. That's better than zero, huh? You know what? That's just constructive criticism.

The dog scored higher than me. He's a cute dog. What do the comment cards say?

Oh, they don't really... "Jack Wyatt is a real tool."

But a good tool. Like a Jacksaw!

You know what? Who cares? This just means we've got hard work to do, okay?

Hey, I never said I was perfect. The important thing is Isabel.

Isabel. Yeah, no question.

Good morning, everyone. There she is!

Is it just my imagination, or is the room actually brighter with her here?

Look at this bundle of miraculous talent.

Forget 99, I give her a hundred!

Rehearsing!

"Interior, apartment, day. Samantha and Darrin are sitting

"in their overcrowded apartment."

Darrin, I think we should buy a house, and I found one that I love.

You nailed that! I'm about to have a heart attack. Isn't she great?

And now I kiss her, because she's in love with our new house.

Oh, you can't kiss me. I'm not in this scene.

You're not in the scene? No.

No, no, no. She isn't in the scene? This isn't happening!

What? She has to be in every scene! Okay?

Rewrite! Go! Rewrite.

Everyone, Isabel needs a joke. I would love a joke.

One joke, coming up. Oh, and then I kiss her because she's so funny.

And a job. She needs a job.

Yes! Make her the CEO of a multinational corporation.

Good idea, Jack. No. Great idea.

And then I kiss her because she's so powerful.

It's too much. What happened?

Aunt Clara. Aunt Clara? Please pick up the phone, something terrible is happening.

Mm hmm, something terrible is happening.

I know, I know. It wasn't supposed to, and...

You should never, ever get involved with an actor.

I'm not involved with him, I don't think.

Witch's honor? What?

I'm just being Endora.

Isabel, actors look normal, sometimes better than normal, But deep down, there is no deep down.

Now, I thought you were safe. He loathed you. What on Earth happened?

A little witchcraft, I suspect.

Even though we weren't going to do it, were we, darling?

I'm Nigel Bigelow. I'm...

Isabel's father. How do you do? Oh, daddy...

We talked about this, remember?

I'm... I know who you are.

I've seen everything you've ever done.

Lysistrata in Florence, Blithe Spirit in New York. You're Endora.

It's a marvel.

It comes so easily, really. Really? Oh, yes...

Because I am a witch.

Really? Oh, yes. I put out all the lights in Leicester Square, just by walking past.

Tell me more. Tell me everything!

Oh please, come in!

Ciao.

This is just fine...

Isabel!

Hey!

Isabel!

Isabel.

Hey... Hi!

Listen. Maybe we could go to dinner tonight. God, I'm so nervous.

I don't think so. I have to get home. We won't make it a date.

I'll just happen to stop by your place and ask you if you're hungry.

No. Yes! That's a yes.

No! I'll be by at great. I mean...

I'll be by at eight!

Stop by if you need anything. I'm right here.

Okay...

Aunt Clara!

Undo it!

Undo it! You overdid it. Undo it!

Oh dear...

Aunt Clara! I'm not too sure how to undo it!

Undoing it's not the same as doing it.

He wants to have dinner.

This isn't what I wanted. Lorna Doone?

No! No...

Darling, I'm sure you can undo the hex if you really want to.

Huh? I'm expected in Japan.

Well, that certainly didn't work, did it?

Aunt Clara?

Aunt Clara, come back here right now.

He's gonna be here any minute. Aunt Clara!

But that doesn't matter because I'm not going out with him.

No, no I'm not. I'm not!

Who cares what I look like?

I'm just gonna undo the hex.

I'm not even gonna bother dressing up.

I'm just gonna open the door, undo it and slam the door in his face.

Hey, I just happened to be in the neighborhood with these roses and a Cat Steven's CD and this bracelet and I thought I'd stop by.

You're sweating. Like a pig.

How divine.

Oh!

You look stunning.

No! Ravishing.

You look... Stunnishing!

Is this your purse?

You're not too cold, are you?

No. Not too warm?

Mmm-Mmm. Okay...

Are we going somewhere? Dinner.

I wanna know everything.

You talk, okay?

I'm just gonna listen.

Shed your radiance and I'll just soak it up like a plant.

Start in kindergarten.

I didn't go to kindergarten.

I was home schooled. You were home schooled?

So was I.

How amazing! That's freaky.

I'm getting chills. Yeah, that is kind of amazing.

My parents were hippies, were yours?

No. That's so weird.

My parents were hippies and yours weren't. What are the odds?

Though we did have incense and candles.

So did we! You did?

To this day, the smell of incense makes me puke.

Yes! Me too. Amazing!

Wow. I brought duck.

Oh! I...

I love duck. So do I!

How amazing is that?

Well, most people love duck.

You know what? No, they don't.

Wait!

I wrote you a song. Oh...

No one's ever written me a song. Well...

I did.

♪ Hey...

♪ Pretty lady

♪ I'm back here with my heart

♪ Hey...

♪ Pretty lady

♪ Are you a dream, made real?

♪ My soul, you have healed

♪ Make me a better man

♪ I wanna set up residence

♪ In your promised land ♪ Okay, and this is the... power-ballad guitar-solo.

♪ Promise land! ♪ Now, you sing the chorus.

♪ Promised land, Yeah. ♪ Drum solo.

♪ Promised land, Promised land, leg kick. ♪ Whoo! Whoo!

Okay, I'm gonna break the guitar.

♪ Promised land! Whoo!

♪ Promised land ♪ Whoo!

We're about to kiss, aren't we?

I thought so, but thanks for ruining the moment, Miss Narrator.

Oh, my ruby jewel.

What? My chocolate-covered strawberry.

I wanna bask in our love like...

Like a house-cat, lying in the sun.

Meow. Meow. Jack, Jack... Stop.

I forgot I...

Why did I let myself forget? It was...

It was so nice, I couldn't help myself and...

Oh, Jack!

This is sad. This is... No.

Let's make love in a hot-air balloon.

Uh... Let's make love in a candy factory.

Huh? Let's make love in a petting zoo.

I have to undo this. I do. Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale.

Because it doesn't mean anything unless it's real.

What witches wish, no mortal needs. Let time repent and unsow its seeds And now I speak the ancient word of redemption and regret.

Rewind.


So you leave the nose-wiggling to the witch.

But you do it so well!

I did coach her though. Can we get a close-up on the nose?

I'd rather not.

Which camera?

Hello, Nina.

I just knew it was you. That's all.

Yes he is.

He is a giant, male reproductive organ.

We don't need a plan. I already know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna speak to him...

About his behavior. I'm gonna talk to him sensibly and directly and I know he will change.

You'll see. Bye.

Butt out, Samantha. I know what I'm doing.

I mean it.

♪ Jack-Jack-bo-back

♪ Banana-fana-fo-fack

♪ Bee-bi-bo-back

♪ Jack! ♪ Guys, make me 20 cappuccinos.

Bring me the best one.

Hey J-Bone. Hey, Buddy.

The test-scores are in. How'd I do?

90? 100? 120? Well...

No... 140? What does it say?

I got it. I got it right here.

32.

I got a 32?

Is that for real?

The dogs scored higher than I did.

Well, it's not you, Jack.

It's Darrin.

"That Jack Wyatt is a real tool.

"We hate him.

"We mean the actor, not the character."

Get a grip.

Hug me.

I'm gonna be doing dinner theater at Boca Raton.

They hate the show. The whole show.

They hate everyone on it.

Yeah, they did... Yep.

Isabel must have gotten savaged.

She got 99?

99? Is that for real?

Is that a joke?

She didn't say anything!

How is it that someone who doesn't say anything scores higher than someone who had all the lines?

Oh my...

Did anyone anticipate this as a possibility?

Hindsight's 20/20.

Good morning, everyone.

And they think I'm a tool?

I haven't been called a tool since I was 15.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you!

You know what? No one ever liked Darrin!

No one! Why did we ever think that was gonna change?

I have something to say.

This is unbelievable.

A 32?

That's for real.

A 3 in front of a 2.

Oh, my God! Wait!

I have something to say!

And she got 99?

Were they high?

Were the people in the test group high?

Did we drug test them?

Were they just sitting in the studio, smoking crack?

Saying "Let's give her a 99 and him a 32?

"By the way, I'm high on crack!"

I have something to say!

What?

You're a jerk.

What did you just say?

I said...

You're a jerk!

Everything is about you.

You are selfish and you are self-centered.

And you... You lied to me.

You said you needed me. You don't need anyone!

Listen, sweetie, why don't you go to your trailer and take a Midol?

Hey! You be quiet or I'll give you a tail!

Just calm down. You sit down!

Sit down.

Wow...

This show is supposed to be about a marriage.

A real marriage with real problems, like...

Like what color to paint the kitchen or... or I don't know, other problems. I can't even think of them right now but the only problems you care about are your own!

No wonder the audience doesn't like this show.

A witch marries a mortal.

Who in their right mind would want to marry you?

Hey... That's it...

You're fired.

Doesn't matter. I...

I quit!

Yeah.

So...

You better call my agent.

You don't have an agent.

Then call my cable man.

Sorry...

So, uh...

You all right?

No one's talked to me like that in 20 years.

Once a week, a woman talks to me like that.

She just stripped me bare and...

Stuck the knife in.

Let's go to the peninsula and get some oysters.

You know what I think?

Hey.

The woman needs a part.

I'm sorry?

I mean, if you got Sammy Sosa, you don't bench him.

If you got Gorbachev in the ballet, you let him dance the big number.

I don't think Gorbachev was a dancer.

Yes he was, Ritchie. He absolutely was.

Look it up.

Isabel!

Hey!

Hey, Isabel!

Wait! Wait, don't go!

Isabel.

Please don't go. Please don't go. That...

That was incredible.

What? Just now! That.

Hey! You yelled at me.

You were upfront and honest and you called me out on all my crap.

It was just great!

Ah! Oh, God.

I've never done anything like this.

It was very hard, but secretly quite thrilling.

Even my ex-wife...

She never yelled.

She just locked me out.

Oh! In my family, we usually just disappear.

No, no. Don't disappear, Isabel.

One more show.

I don't think so. No, one more taping.

Please? No. It's just that...

I'm feeling that...

I'm feeling like maybe...

I'm sorry.

What'd you say?

I'm sorry for how I've been.

You're sweating again, I...

I just... Look.

One more. I love it when you sweat.

One more. Just...

One more and the second I'm being a jerk, you can yell

"Hey! He's being a jerk!"

And we'll shut the whole thing down. I promise.

We'll burn down the sets and...

And sell the costumes and give the money to little children.

I mean, that's one possible scenario.

You want me to say "He's being a jerk?"

You can yell it, I mean...

He's being a jerk!

Yeah... He's being a jerk!

Yes.

I can't just walk back in there now.

Once you show up on a golf-cart, believe me, all is forgiven.

I've done it a lot of times.

I was fired.

Oh no!

That's right, I quit. Yeah!

Yeah. Hey, let me carry your plant.

Honey, your mother's here.

Are you two getting along?

Not exactly.

Like this? Uh-huh. You're doing great.

Really, really great. One more time.

♪ If you like making love at midnight

♪ In the dunes on the cape

♪ Then I'm the love that you've looked for

♪ Write to me and escape ♪ So it says here that marriage can lead to a loss of passion.

It's true.

I feel empty and bored already.

Oh, great. It's you.

Mother...

I see you two are actually getting along.

Endora, you rancid fruit-bag, get outta my room.

And my daughter is happy?

That is the cruelest twist of all.

I am happy, Darrin.

Real, honest, no-spells happy.

Mmm...

And cut.

Actors, cut.

Really cut now.

You were great today.

Just absolutely amazing.

I don't think I've ever had so much fun.

Acting is fun.

That is a profoundly true thing.

Would you like a water chestnut?

I'd love a water chestnut.

I'm gonna teach you everything I know, starting with...

The eye thing.

The famous, crazy eye thing... Of mine Okay?

This almost won me a Golden Globe.

Almost.

Is that it? That's good.

Oh, that's even better.

This is the "I just realized things are worse than they seem"...

Thing. Also known as the "Yikes take".

Yikes.

Wow.

Yikes!

That was terrible. It's okay. No, I was terrible.

I don't think mine was good either.

That's it. I'm out of tricks.

What about the funny walk you do?

The funny walk? Mmm-hmm.

You don't wanna see the funny walk. I do.

The funny walk is embarrassing.

I'd like to see.

Yeah? Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Let's go to our place.

That it? Great.

It's much harder than it looks. Yeah.


Five, six, seven, eight.


Whoo!


Something magical happened all by itself.

Table read in ten minutes!

Good morning, everyone! Good morning, Jack.

Jack, I just need to talk to you about a couple of these things.

Number one, we're thinking about moving the whole kitchen scene. Just, it's such...

It's... It's a funny scene.

It's really funny. We'd like to get it in a little earlier.

So probably what we're gonna do is switch it...

With the office.

But we're gonna drop that till a little later in the show.

Dude, are you watching Jack throw the vibe to Isabel right now?

How are you?

Ooo...

I'm great.

That's for you.

Thank you.

Mmm!

That's fantastic.

Stop.

Yeah, I can find something for him. I can put him in a little part with maybe no...

No lines or anything like that.

What is going on between you and Jack?

Nothing is going on.

We had a date and we kissed and now we just wanna spend all of our time together.

That is the very definition of something going on.

And you know what?

I didn't use any tricks. I am trick-free.

Oh my God, it's her.

Who? Jack's wife. I saw a picture of her in In Style.

She was the "Fashion don't."

Excuse me, I'm looking for Jack.

You must be Samantha.

You look just like the old one.

Thank you so much.

Oh... Excuse me.

Love the nose.

Good work.

There he is!

There's my guy!

I've missed him so much.

Let's just say the "Do Not Disturb" sign will be on the door-knob tonight.

What happened? My God!

Help me lift it.

That was a little harsh.

I've missed him so much.

Let's just say the "Do Not Disturb" sign will be on the door-knob tonight.

Sheila.

Hi, baby.

What are you doing here?

You want my car?

My grandmother's brooch?

Oh!

You want more money.

Ding ding ding! Correct answer.

No.

I want you back.

What about Captain Underpants?

I'm through with him.

I love you, Jack.

Oh, wait. I get it.

You heard the show's getting picked up.

I heard it's gonna be a hit.

So what?

I want you.

I want my husband.

You know, a week ago, I would have fallen for that.

But now there's someone else.

Someone who's...

Incapable of guile.

What's guile?

Not gonna do it.

I think it means tricks.

I love you, baby.

No, I'm not.

Maybe I will.

What the heck is going on?

This place is spooked.

I quit. Joey.

Joey, come back here.

Get me a mirror!

Jack!

Jack!

Are you okay?

Am I okay?

And...

One more time.

I'm fine!

And I'm signing the divorce papers right now.

You are?

Maybe two.

And I'm moving out of the house...

This afternoon.

Where are you going?

Reykjavik.

Where is it?

Iceland.

I love ice.

Goodbye, everyone!

I'm off to Reykjavik!

Oh, my God.

Everyone, did you just see that?

She's gonna sign the papers!

This is incredible!

Isabel.

Party at my house!

You're out of control.


Every time I think I have things nailed down, I just lose it.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh, woah.

Who is that?

No, Maria. No.

Too late!

Everyone!

Can I have your attention, please. I just wanna say a few words.

Randall, can you help...

Deal with this?

Thank you.

Where do I start?

What a night. Is everyone having fun?

Yeah!

Great.

I am...

I'm so grateful for so many things tonight.

The show...

All of you amazing, talented people, and especially Isabel.

To a woman who would never trick me into thinking she was something she wasn't.

From now on, everyone tells the truth. Okay?

Except, of course, if I don't look good, say I do anyway.

Isabel, you are a beautiful person and that's the truth.

Cheers! Cheers!

Have a great time! Cheers.

Don't break anything, okay?

I hope that touching speech doesn't make you think that you should tell the truth about yourself.

I'm going to. Don't be silly.

And he's gonna accept me. He's got to because you can't live with a secret like that.

Of course you can, for thousands of years.

Don't do it.

Big mistake.

Won't work.

Well, hello there. Now, don't tell me...

Coconut shrimps.

Oh, yes. Would you like one?

Yes, thank you.

Do you know...

You're quite fetching...

And I'm Nigel Bigelow.

Yes.

I will sleep with you because I have a thing for father figures.

Well, that's great then.

But in the morning, I will not get 90 percent of your jokes and I will go on and on about my dream of opening an aerobic center in Agoura.

Are you looking for me?

Missing you, actually.

How strange.

Not really.

I'm just gonna say it like it's a completely matter-of-fact thing.

Guess what.

What?

I'm a witch.

Well, guess what.

What?

I'm a Clippers fan.

Yeah, it's not like it's a big deal.

I'm not a bad witch and we're...

We're getting it all out there and we're telling the truth, right?

Right.

And I'm not just a fan, I made the mistake of buying court-side seats.

No, really. Jack...

Jack, I am. I, Isabel Bigelow...

I'm a witch. Okay, great.

So, you're witch.

Come on, let's go make out in the hall closet.

Jack... Okay, okay. I'll play along.

Like it's an improv.

Prove it.

So, I just said "Listen, guys...

"I believe Cher has another hit."

Really? Yeah.

Wow! Fantastic trick!

Not a trick.

Wow! How'd you do that?

To the most powerful witch ever.

Can you make an umbrella appear in this drink?

I can. Really?

That's amazing.

Uh-huh.

I had no idea you were an amateur magician.

Hey!

Hey! Isabel.

Jack, listen to me.

I was born a witch. My parents are witches. I'm a witch.

A real witch! That's right, Isabel. You go girl.

That is cool. That's great.

You are very frustrating.

Do you have some Daniel Day-Lewis thing happening here?

How's it going?

I'm leaving.

Thank you.

Hey there. I have Hepatitis C.

Isabel!

Isabel.

Isabel, what's going on?

Come back to the party.

What are you...

Where are you going?

Wow. That's really cool. Did props make that?

Jack, I keep trying to tell you. Can I get your car, Miss?

Oh, she doesn't need her car, she has her broomstick.

You think I'm nuts, don't you? Of course not.

I know plenty of women who carry around collapsible broomsticks.

I'll get the car.

It won't be there. I sent it home.

It looks so real. I can't even see the buttons on it.

It is real.

Flies too.

Oh, I'd love to see that.

Hang on. What?

Put me down!

I kept trying to tell you.

It's no big deal, Jack.

It's no big deal.

This is a huge deal.

We can work this out. It's just who I happen to be. Get away.

Get away from me.

You tricked me. You put spells on me.

Well, only a few. Yes, I did but...

I took most of them off. Help! Someone help!

Ah! Jack.

I thought this would be okay.

How would it be okay?

Because it's me! It's still me.

I'm a little freaked out right now.

I know but I can't change what I am.

Are you crazy?

Are you even human?

Jack! Am I gonna get pregnant?

What? Because I can't get pregnant right now.

How does this work? Am I gonna get webbed feet?

You're hurting my feelings now. Get away.

Shoo! Ow! Shoo?

Shoo? Shoo!

Now you're making me angry.

Go! Scat! You want me to leave?

Yes! Fine!

Fine! Fine!

Goodbye, Jack.

You jerk!

Sorry, Mr. Wyatt. I can't find her car.

So, she quit. So what?

How's Jack taking all this? Let me just tell you guys something.

Jack Wyatt's like a jet fighter pilot.

Nothing rattles him.

I'm sure he's just at the gym.

Hey. Okay.

Stop holding my arm.

I found this gentleman picking up pennies out of a shopping mall water fountain.

Thank you so much, officer.

How much do I tip you for that?

You don't tip me. Hey, Jack.

Hey, all. Hey, big guy.

How's it going? What's up, Jack?

You all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

I've never been better. Okay. Come on.

What's the bottle of ketchup for?

Come again? The...

Oh...

I forgot to leave it at this diner in Mexico.

Don't freak out on us, Jack.

You're fired.

Classic.

Anyone have a light? Right here, pal.

Everybody, let's just calm down.

We've only shot two episodes.

We got ten weeks before we air.

So, we recast. Piece of cake.

Next! I don't know.

It'll be hard to find somebody with those scores.

Good scores, good scores.

She's a witch. That's more like it.

Just keep telling yourself that, man.

I'm fine, really. I'm...

Last night I ate three burritos and I smashed every dish in my house.

Isabel, you can't let this guy ruin your life.

Well... They're recasting your role.

They're recasting my role already?

Well, you quit.

Tough town.

I mean, like what happened?

He said I wasn't human and he waved a tree branch at me.

There must be a solution.

No, there isn't.

We're at the Coffee Bean and there is no solution.

Jack, remember me? Amber?

Jack, you're amazing!

Oh, my stars!

Darrin's coming home and I haven't even made dinner!

What?

You're great. You want anything?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.


Boo! Trick or treat!

You guys look great.

Happy Halloween.

Ah! Mommy!

I'm sorry, I don't have any candy.

These categories in our first round at play.

First off, cheese.

Next, things that end in "Zing."

I have no idea where we are.

I mean, I literally could not find Vietnam on a map.

Oh... And now we've got to die here?

I think it's next to Argentina.

Well, at least nobody shot at us yet.

Yikes! That's not good!

Yikes.

I think the lions are here, Atticus.

And here's Willie, doing his famous Willie walk.

Oh...

Sherpa!

We've got to go.

Don't look at me like that. It's the only solution.

Isabel, would you please join me in the dining alcove?

Thank you.

Daddy...

Something very odd is happening.

It's not odd, it's what you predicted.

I'm leaving.

I can't stop thinking about Iris.

You were right. I don't belong here.

I find myself uninterested in any other woman.

Now, that's not natural.

Do you think there's a chance... What?

That she might be a witch?

Don't be silly.

And she put a spell on me?

Please...

Why not? You're a witch.

I'm a witch. She could be a witch.

I guess she could.

What else could it be?

Love?

Oh...

Isn't there a spell that can make you stop crying?

No, darling. There isn't.

He's idiotic and yet I find him completely charming.

It's been like that since the beginning.

Only now...

I also hate him.

Love.

Daddy?

What am I gonna do?

Go home.

Where's that?

Wherever you've been the happiest.

Perhaps I'll go to Aruba.

Aruba? But then again... perhaps I won't.

I don't know if I'm loving my hair-cut.

Well, Con...

I can't believe you're bringing this up.

No, no! No no no.

No, I'm not gonna tell that story.

There's no way... Okay, okay!

If you insist...

It was last June and...

I actually...

Cast this witch as a witch and now brooms make me cry.

I can't sleep and...

I don't know what's real or what's the TV show.

Hidey-ho!

Look what the cat dragged in.

Somebody is retaining water.

Uncle Arthur?

It's you!

Oh no. You're gonna crack the mirror, aren't you?

You watch too much television.

I know you're gonna do what you always do.

Don't be silly. Come closer.

Do I have something in my teeth, right there?

Where? Look!

That was fun.

Where's Sammy?

Where's my Sammy?

She quit.

Now leave me alone.

But she was the one.

I know.

I know. I can't stop thinking about her.

But she's a witch.

Yes, and?

Jack, you're on! Oh no, I'm on!

Go get em, Tiger.

Revival of a hit series Bewitched.

Of course you know him from such films as Last year in Katmandu, An Onion for Willie and Atticus Rex.

Please welcome our good pal, Jack Wyatt.

Ah!

Oh, my God.

It was a dream.

Thank God.

No such luck, Jacky boy.

Stay back!

You are not real.

You're from the TV show.

You have blond highlights and you had to wear a girdle on your last movie.

Who's calling who not real?

I do not believe this.

You are real.

Temporarily.

Oh, Uncle Arthur?

You're my favorite character.

I know.

What the hell's going on?

You need help. Your love life's a mess, buddy boy.

I know. I'm miserable.

So am I.

I have been in reruns for 32 years!

I need the sizzle of prime time.

I need to get this show back on the air.

Okay, this is very complicated and unsettling, all right?

I don't think I understand.

All right. Do you want the...

Short version or the long version?

Keep in mind that the long version is in Aramaic.

The short version.

You got involved with a witch and when you do that, weird stuff happens.

That's it? Do I have to explain everything to you?

Okay, here's the deal.

I'm not real.

Hmm? Iris is a witch...

Iris is a witch? Don't dwell...

And in my opinion, that...

Manager of yours, Ritchie... What?

Isn't even human.

Now, where was I?

When? Before you walk out... Oh, right!

Who wants to be with a witch?

Right! Crazy crap like this would always be happening.

And your point is?

The point is you'd never know.

What?

Whether you were in love with her or whether she just put a spell on you.

You'd never know. Like when you first spotted her in the bookstore.

Probably her idea, right?

No, that was my idea.

Oh, that's terrible. I know. I just love to blend.

And when you got down on your knees and you begged her to take the job?

What are you saying? She probably planted the words in your head.

No way. My words. Mmm-hmm...

Yeah? What about the nose?

Hello!

Is that even really her nose?

Of course it's her real nose.

All I'm saying is...

Who wants to be with a witch?


I do.

She's going home.

And once a witch returns home, she can't come back for 100 years.

She can't leave...

I need her.

I want her. I want Isabel.

Well, come on. Let's go get her.

Here we go! Let's go!

Let's go get her!

Follow me. Follow me! Here we go!

Come on. Here we go!

Better hurry. She's leaving right this minute.

We've gotta stop her.

Hey, wait. You can't drive, remember?

Remember that episode where you pulled out of the driveway and almost crashed?

Well, that wasn't exactly me.

I, personally, am a great driver.

Wupsy doodle.

Wee!

Take it easy!

Could you slow down just a tad?

Is it "Porsche" or is it "Porscha?"

Who cares? Watch the road!

Please! We've gotta get Isabel!

Oh, all right, party-pooper.

Let me drive!

There she is!

Where? Oh no! She's flying away!

Pedal to the metal, buddy boy!

Watch it!

I'm about to be killed by a fictional character.

Yes, you are.

We're here.

Here? Where?

Where is she?

Our place.

She's at our place.

Thank you.

Thank you, Uncle Arthur.

Run to her, you idiot.


Isabel...

Oh, my God.

You're here.

I'm so happy you're here.

I'm leaving.

No, no, no. You can't.

You'll be gone forever if you leave.

You'll be gone a hundred years without being able to come back, even if you miss me.

That's ridiculous.

Who told you that?

He did!

Well...

What are you doing here if you're leaving?

I was going home.

But...

I don't know where that is.

Home is with me.

Don't go, please.

But I'm... Shh...

We'll work it out.

We can't. Yes we can.

I can't be normal because I'm a witch.

I can't be a witch because I really wanna be normal.

It's not possible.

Of course it's possible.

There's tons of other witches who've done it.

Who?

Well, maybe not tons of other witches, but...

At least one.

Samantha.

Caught between two worlds and yet...

Completely happy.

She lived happily ever after, in fact.

Although there's no way to be sure because she went off the air.

We'll work it out.

Don't cry, little witch.

I love you, Samantha.

Isabel.

I knew that.

I think.

I love you, Darrin.

I just occurred to me, you could have...

Any guy...

Uh-huh... In the whole world.

Oh, but I choose you.

Honestly, I think you made a mistake.

If I did, I could always get out of it.

Now we have things to do.

Mmm-hmm.

We have a show to do.

Yes. And then... maybe after a while, we could get married.

There it is!

Abner, come look!

The new neighbors are moving in!

Not now, Gladys. I'm busy.

Ah, yes.

I'm now going to carry you across the threshold.

Don't you think the front lawn looks a little bare?

No, I don't.

But I think it could use a little something.

It's fine the way it is, honey.

Abner!

A tree just appeared in the front yard!