-You ever hear of the words excuse me?
That's very nice of you.
No-- wha-- that-- that's my magazine, you asshole!
Excuse me, sir, do--do you have "The New York Magazine," please?
-Look around, lady.
Uh, we got it, we got it.
We don't got it, we don't got it.
-Hi-- hi-- bonjour.
I guess you guys are busboys.
Sir, I need the issue before this one.
The one with the-- the Venus on the cover.
-We have it last week.
We don't have it right now.
-Could you look behind there?
-But I don't want this one-- never mind.
Keep the nickel.
-Thanks a lot.
So you're the white male in his mid '30s over 6 foot who's into French literature, uh, French food and wine, and soirees at home.
-Nice to meet you.
-Thought it was gonna rain, did ya?
-Well, I-- I didn't know
Well, that was real French, wasn't it?
-Bet that means the food is going to be excellent.
-You know, as I-- as I said in my letter, I've never answered one of these ads before.
I mean, I haven't put one in.
-This time I figured why not?
-Well, I hope I'm not too, uh-- uh, I mean I don't know what you're expecting, but--
-No, I didn't expect anything.
You seem just fine so far.
--[SPEAKING FRENCH] Son of a bitch, that rat.
-Well, you were right on time.
I like being prompt.
-You have lovely breasts.
-I took the subway.
It's a nice ride.
-You wearing contact lenses?
You wear contacts?
-I like the timbre of your voice.
It's soft, but firm.
-Just like your breasts.
They're, um, soft, extended-- I sleep with them.
-I love the smell of the Brut you're wearing.
-My mail order Bob gave it to me.
-I beg your pardon?
-Oh, I was talking to the waiter.
You never say garcon.
It means boy.
You kind of remind me of him in a certain way.
Please take that away.
I swing both ways actually.
Did I upset you?
Where are you going?
What, have I upset you?
PRUDENCE: No, no, it's nothing.
-What's the matter.
-It's just that I hate gay people.
-You're shaking like a leaf.
Please-- if you-- come here.
Where are you going?
He's not going to bother you.
-I-- I know, but I wasn't talking about him.
I was talking about you.
-Oh, I-- I'm not gay.
I'm, uh, bi-sexual.
There's a difference.
[COUPLE ARGUING IN BACKGROUND]
WOMAN: Zizi, where you going?
I can't take anymore American Express.
-I want to drink a toast to you and your children.
-Your glass is empty.
What's your favorite song?
-"Someone to Watch Over Me."
But she's here 10 minutes too soon.
Tell her to wait.
I don't know.
Tell her to go the bathroom or something.
I'll tell her myself.
Did you speak-- did you OK with my secretary?
There's going to be a disaster.
-What is her plans?
-Doctor-- a disaster.
-Uh, Zizi-- Zizi-- stop weeping hysterical shit now, please, and breathe in deeply.
Breathe in deeply.
BRUCE: You're just like a little girl, you know?
But-- very much like a woman.
PRUDENCE: How am I like a woman?
-How are you like a woman?
Well, you're-- you're dressed like a woman.
-You're making fun of me.
-No, no, I'm not.
And, uh, you-- you wear eye shadow like a woman.
And, uh-- well, everything about you's like a woman.
You're-- you're very loved.
-And I think you're like a man.
Tell me, how?
PRUDENCE: Well, you're tall, and-- and you have to shave.
-Oh, no, no.
I do this on purpose.
It's a fashion thing.
Your eyes are so deep.
-Contacts makes one's eyes look deeper.
I know that.
That actually make my eyes deeper.
Did you know that?
PRUDENCE: You look like you're crying.
-I'm deeply emotional.
I could cry.
-I wouldn't like that.
People would look at us.
Don't do that.
I don't think it's manly to cry.
I don't think a man should cry un-- unless-- un-- unless-- unless-- unless their parents die.
BRUCE: Well, that's sexism.
You women think we're mature because we may have been programmed not to show feelings.
PRUDENCE: You don't talk to me about sexism.
You're the one that started talking about myself, breasts, the minute that you sat down.
BRUCE: I like your lips.
-Well, I'm not so sure I like you.
-Why are you culling me-- calling-- calling?
I'm with a patient.
You must never call me when I'm with a patient.
You know that.
-I'm watching a man cry.
There's a man here and he's crying.
Why are speaking in that absurd accent?
You sound funny.
-Everyone here speaks like this.
You told me to fit in.
-Yes, but you're not-- you must allow your own personality come forth.
Otherwise you will not know what you are let alone who.
-But there is a man here crying.
-Do push ups.
There's a man crying here also.
-Are you going to cry or not?
Oh, Andrew, if it'll make you feel better, I'll cry.
-I feel better now.
I always feel better after a good cry.
Now can we order something now, please?
-Oh, yeah, of course.
Um, I'm sorry.
Uh-- waiter, s'il vous plait.
I recommend the highlight, the cassoulet.
It's very, very good here.
-I always get the thing with the little white peas in it.
-White beans, white beans. [BLOWS NOSE] Can we have, uh, a couple menus--
But I'm starving.
I-- I thought we were going to have a late lunch--
-What do you mean the kitchen's closed?
-Kitchen's closed for two hours.
-I start biting the inside of my mouth when I get too hungry.
-No, that's OK.
I know the, uh, maitre d.
He's also the owner.
He'll take care of us.
Can you tell, uh, maitre d, that we'd kind of like to have--
-Did you understand him?
-Yeah, of course.
He said he'd, uh, get the maitre d right away.
Gee, you have a very, uh, lovely mouth.
-Think something terrible is going to happen.
I know it.
Uh, I feel it in my bone.
I have weakness for betrayal.
-Who-- who is going to be betrayed.
ZIZI: The one I love the most.
-You are going to be betrayed?
-My son is going to be betrayed.
-Your telling me he's going to be betrayed.
What-- what are you talking about here?
ZIZI: Because my son-- he's going-- Of course.
Yes, Doctor, how do I tell him?
-You could call him.
-Yes, well, uh, you see, um.
I was in that nice French restaurant-- you know, Les-- les Bouchons, and Bruce was there with-- with a girl all dressed in pink.
And-- and I saw him.
-You saw Bruce with a woman in a restaurant?
BRUCE: I feel we agree on all issues.
I feel that you're also a Francophile if you always like French cooking, French wine, quiet evenings at home.
Uh, foreign films.
I feel you hate shallowness.
I'll bet you never read "People" magazine.
-I do read it.
I write for it.
We agree on everything.
Uh, I'm going to cry again.
-No, no, no.
Don't do that.
I can't identify with men that cry.
I want them to be strong.
-Oh, you're quite like Bob, then.
-Well, thank you for telling me, Mother.
ZIZI (ON PHONE): Now-- what are you going to do about it?
-Well, I don't know.
Maybe I'll kill myself.
I'm not sure.
ZIZI (ON PHONE): No, no, no, no, no.
Stay on the phone.
Don't hang up.
Think of this as a hotline.
I have to go to group.
ZIZI (ON PHONE): Ah, group.
Yes, that's very good.
You stay in groups.
-Votre probleme is very simple.
It is not a question l'amour but of sex.
You need [FRENCH]. [? be ?] physical.
When in doubt, overcompensate.
You need to marchez down to the park.
Coupez des fleurs.
No, don't coupez des fleurs.
Find a shop that sells flowers.
Buy some flowers.
PRUDENCE: No, no, no, no.
It's just that man over there keeps looking at me, and if I don't get something to eat soon, I'm going to get sick.
BRUCE: Listen, no-- sh, sh.
I irritated you with Bob again.
It's a lovely dress.
-I like the nail polish.
-I have it on my toes, too.
-You feel free enough with me to put your feet on the table.
PRUDENCE: I didn't put my feet.
I put one foot.
PRUDENCE: I was hoping to get your friend, the maitre d's, attention.
BRUCE: Listen-- oh, ow-- we'll get married.
Mm, we'll, we'll live in Connecticut.
We'll have two cards.
Bob will live over our garage.
Everything will be wonderful.
We'll take vacations to Paris.
-I don't feel like taking a vacation with you.
The only thing I feel like is eating, and I know we're not going to even get any brand cereal in this restaurant.
I think you're insane, and I'm just going home now.
Here, let me--
-You're afraid of life.
-Just get my coat, please.
-We're the only people in here.
It's a pink raincoat.
-You're afraid of feeling emotional.
That's wrong, Prudence, because then you have no passion.
-Don't forget the umbrella.
-Did you see "Equus"?
That doctor felt it'd be better to blind eight horses in a stable with a metal spike than have no passion.
-In my life I'm not going to be afraid to blind horses, Prudence.
You missed the metaphor.
-No, I didn't miss the metaphor.
I'm going the wrong way.
You just totally missed the metaphor.
I could never love someone who misses metaphors.
-You know, somebody should have you committed?
BRUCE: Well, I'm not afraid of commitment.
I was going to take you to see a revival of "The Tree of Wooden Clogs," and then home to my place for sexual intercourse.
But, uh, now I'm not.
I think it's time you left.
-Oh, wait a minute.
You're not rejecting anybody.
I'm rejecting you.
You're a first class idiot.
-And you're a castrating, frigid bitch.
-If I find him, and I'm-- well-- when I find him, I'm going to crack his little coconut open.
CHARLOTTE: Now why don't you just breathe in.
Breathe deep, and just let it out very slowly.
Now, doesn't that feel better?
Wouldn't you be more comfortable sitting down?
I know I'm always more comfortable sitting down.
Well, I am sitting down, but I'm really most comfortable when I'm sitting down when I'm sitting down over there.
So why don't you sit down there, and, um-- and I'll come around and I'll sit down here.
And then, uh, and then we'll both be sitting down, and that's fine, OK?
You are going to set a new record here, you know?
You have seven sessions that you didn't speak one words.
If you continuing like this [INAUDIBLE].
Anyway-- The next patient now, please.
-So, what's on your mind this week?
-I threw a glass of water at somebody in a restaurant.
Were they cut?
I, uh, didn't throw the glass.
I just threw the water.
They got all wet.
-Do, you, uh-- do you remember this drawing?
-I don't remember.
They all look alike.
-When this drawing was drawn by an emotionally disturbed three-year-old, his parents beat him every morning after breakfast.
Orange juice, toast, Special K.
-Well you see the point I'm making?
-Yes, I do.
What point are you making?
-Well, uh, the point is when a porpoise comes to see me for the first time-- did I say porpoise?
I didn't-- what is the word I want?
Um-- porpoise-- pompous, pom-pom, polyester, paparazzi, polypatient.
I-- I'm sorry, I mean patient.
-Could you stop thinking about your problems?
-What are you talking about?
-You constantly speak about your problems.
I mean, it's a therapy.
We're here to solve our problems and you only speak about your problems.
I also have problems.
I'm trying to solve them.
I've got my heart broken, and I find a way.
-Do not speak like that.
I don't understand what you're saying!
-I-- I guess I missed childhood where one could look to a horse for emotional satisfaction other than the person.
I mean, the horse never disappointed me.
-You still active with that horse?
No, you feel disappointed in people?
Every man I have I try and have a relationship with turns out to be crazy, and the ones that aren't crazy are dull, but maybe it's me.
Maybe I look for faults where I'll never have a successful relationship.
I mean, maybe I do it to myself.
What do you think?
-Um-- what I think?
It doesn't matter.
Eh-- what do you think?
PRUDENCE: Uh, I don't really think.
I just wonder.
-So what do you want?
I mean, what do you think therapy's for?
It's for, eh, you know.
It's for really what do you wonder?
-Well, uh, something mystical happened.
-Oh, now, now we are getting somewhere.
Well, I, um-- I put my ad in The New York Magazine, and it appeared in an issue with a picture of Venus de Milo on the cover.
PRUDENCE: So anyway, I was coming up out of the subway stairs and this peapod just bashes into me and my stuff goes all over--
PRUDENCE: This peapod.
-What a-- what-- what means "peapod"?
-No, it's just an expression instead of cussing so anyways, my stuff goes all over the place, and this guy-- I thought he was going to help me, and he comes along and he winds up stealing my magazine.
So I went up to the newsstand and I asked the guy if he had New York Magazine.
Well, he did have it, but he had the new issue, and I had the one that was the week before that one.
You know, when the ad wasn't in there.
So I asked him very specifically do-- did you have the issue with the Venus on the cover?
-Is that the one with no arms?
BRUCE: Yeah, that's right.
I-- and ugh.
I mean it's just so-- whew.
I-- I know what you mean.
In any case, we-- we rearranged to meet at a restaurant for lunch, and I brought my-- my, uh, New York Magazine.
With my ad.
With me into the restaurant.
-So, what-- what-- what is the attraction?
What-- what is the big deal?
-The big deal is when I got home, I had the right issue.
I mean, somehow, I bought the issue with the Venus on the cover.
-You won't believe this-- I didn't have the copy of the magazine in which I ran the ad.
The Venus de Milo copy.
I had the-- a new issue.
PRUDENCE: Do you suppose I blocked out that I bought the right issue because I was afraid of him maybe?
-No, no, no.
The guy you was meeting.
Eh, he had the right issue, and you took his copy by mistake.
-God, sometimes you're so insensitive it just makes me want to puke.
I-- something mystic happened.
-You see, It was like a sign.
Yes, it was a sign.
-To do what?
-Oh, uh, I don't know.
Signs are very, very difficult to decipher.
You'll always find that.
Maybe it was just a sign to answer an ad rather than place one?
-Really, I don't, um-- I don't think we should get into this.
This could be-- we could be getting into um, um--
Nicaragua, El Salvador, South Africa.
Um-- Chile, danger, India, dangerous territory.
Why don't you tell me about this man who-- who wrote the letter and replayed to the ad which you placed in the vanishing magazine.
Now what was he like?
-Oh, no, no.
It was a she.
-You can always come back for me, darling.
Stewart, I told you, you can't talk to me that way if I'm going to stay in therapy with you.
-You are so beautiful when you're hungry.
-I'm not hungry.
I just ate.
Had three chili dogs all the way--
-Yes, so many women who've been seduced by the psychiatrist take them to court.
-But you wanted it, darling.
-How could I have wanted it when one of our topics is "I don't know what I want".
-But you wanted that, darling.
-Stop calling me darling.
You know, I must be out of my mind to keep seeing you.
Obviously you can't be my therapist after we've had an affair.
-Two lousy nights have not an affair.
-Because they were lousy.
-They were great.
Oh, they were great.
I was great.
Was I not great?
No, really, it was the fact it was only two nights that was lousy.
-You know, it's a common belief that it's wrong for therapists and patients to have sex together.
-Not in California.
-But we're not in California.
-We can move there.
We could buy a house.
Pool, jacuzzi, the whole thing.
The running shoes.
-Stewart, I-- I don't feel we're right for one another.
I feel that you have masculinity problems.
I hate your vest, and I never really liked you in bed.
-I'm great in bed.
What are you talking about?
-No-- now you have problems with premature ejaculation.
-[FOREIGN SPEECH] Listen, honey.
There is nothing premature about it.
Our society's paced quickly.
We all got a lot of things to do.
I ejaculate quickly on purpose.
-Any-- anyway-- well-- well, I-- you've become-- can't got time for wait around for a woman's coming in a half hour.
-I don't believe you.
-Well, fuck you.
BRUCE: Run that ad in here.
Now you know how Bob feels about me putting these ads in magazines for women.
He's real hostile about it.
The guy I've been living with for a year.
-Ugh, I thought you were someone else this whole session.
-Well, it must be 20 after.
-What does that mean?
It's an expression.
People say it when there's a lull in the conversation.
-This will only took a moment.
-One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Over here, sit down.
OK, come sit down.
I want somebody to start straight away.
Go ahead, Tony.
-Well, it's the same old thing.
You know, it's this whole thing with Bruce.
Just needs to be sort of like a nightmare at this point.
ZIZI: Oh, no, no, no.
It's not the pain.
The pain is something else.
The pain doesn't last.
It's merely a warning of coming catastrophe.
BRUCE: No, it's not.
ZIZI: It's the goddamn awful noise that you know goddamn well just what you are doing when you screw that girl.
You know goddamn well who's heart you are breaking.
-I didn't screw her.
-I threw water on her.
Was she that hot?
BRUCE: Zizi, it's just not of your business.
-None of my business?
None of my business?
How dare you say it's none of my business.
I am the mother.
ZIZI: Even if he has a beard now, it's goddamn well going to be my business.
I saw you.
I saw her.
I saw you looking at her with all the pink things all over her.
I saw you following her.
You didn't even notice I was there.
It didn't make any difference that I was there.
You didn't even try to hide it from me.
-I didn't fondle her.
-Yes, but you wanted to.
-May be so, but I didn't.
I sucked her toe.
ZIZI: What are you doing?
Where are you going?
To see her again?
To suck her feet again?
-No, I'm never going to see that girl again.
I'm going to see someone else.
-Not another girl.
-You got it, Zizi.
Will Bob be quite so understanding about this new one?
-[MURMURS IN FRENCH]
-Sir, you wanted table, eh?
-You want some drink or some-- some food?
I'm waiting for somebody.
Yes it is, isn't it?
-You meeting somebody?
-Yes, I am as a matter of fact.
-You answering an ad again?
Why would you ask me that?
-Well, uh, I am.
I mean, I put one in again.
-Did you get a response?
As a matter of fact I did.
Somebody named Ashley.
Actually, it was she who recommended this restaurant.
-You changed your name lately?
-You changed your height lately?
-Um-- I'm afraid it's crossed my mind that you answered my ad again.
-I would not be so stupid as to answer the same ad twice.
Oh, you see, I changed the ad.
I was hoping to get a different sort of person.
-By lying about your height?
-It occured to me that being 6 foot 4 might frighten someone.
Especially if they were short.
Of course, you're not short.
In fact, you and I are actually a very good size for each other.
In bed, we'd be very--
-I really don't want to pursue that, all right?
-May I sit down?
Can I ask you one thing then?
-Is it Prudence or Ashley?
I-- I feel really embarrassed.
It's really Prudence.
Um, you see, Ashley was this name.
Well, it's-- a childhood kind-- I-- I'm sorry.
-The minute I saw you I thought it might be you.
-You oughta be a soothsayer or something.
-You oughta be in therapy.
I am in therapy.
-It doesn't seem to work.
Uh, he's kind of grumpy these days.
-Perhaps he's getting his period.
-I don't really understand much about menstruation.
Tell me about it.
-Oh, fuck off.
Let me ask you something, Mr. Pulitzer Prize winning author of average height who's looking to hook a different sort of a woman who's into Kierkegaard [INAUDIBLE].
I mean what's wrong with me, Prudence?
Yeah, I know you just love Ashley.
She's just your type.
But let me tell you something about her.
She's a liar, and a fake, and she's full of shit.
And you know something?
And-- and I know I'm attractive.
I'm not-- without being conceited.
I'm fairly attractive.
I mean I'm not within the world's 2%.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, there.
I think you're very, very attractive.
I-- I don't even know Ashley.
-Well, I don't know if I can really credit your opinion.
You're sort of a crackpot, aren't ya?
-You really don't like me, do you?
-Well, now that you put it that way-- no, I probably don't like you.
-Well, I don't like you either.
There we have it.
It was delightful to see you again.
-I really hate it when you cry!
You are much too tall to cry!
It's not you.
Something was just coming up for me.
Some childhood thing.
-I miss childhood.
I thought you were leaving?
-Well, I was.
-Well, then why are we going upstairs?
-To wait for my date.
-I'm your date.
-Yeah, I know.
-But-- let me ask you.
Why did you put that ad in the paper?
I mean, if you're living with this person named Bob, why are you trying to meet a woman?
-Well, I-- I want to be open to all experiences.
-Well, that's all very fun, but surely you just can't turn on and off your sexual preferences.
BRUCE: I don't have to turn them on and off.
I prefer ball sacks.
PRUDENCE: You see, I just wasn't prepared for bisexual.
-Well, it's unconventional, I know.
My wife, Sally, couldn't deal with it at all.
-You were married?
-For six years.
I married this girl, Sally, from grammar school.
She was runner-up for homecoming queen, but when she found out I was sleeping with a man who can't even read the gas meter, she got real angry and we got a divorce.
-Well, I-- I guess if you're homecoming queen runner-up, you don't expect to have these sorts of problems.
Do you want to be married?
-Well, I don't know.
It's so confusing.
I mean, I-- I knew when I was a little girl, the "Million Dollar Movie" showed this filmed called
"Every Girl Should Be Married" every night for seven days.
Well, it was this dumb comedy about this infantile girl played by Betsy Drake who falls in love with this pediatrician played by Cary Grant after she sees him in a drugstore.
Well she sees them for two minutes, and she wants to move in and have his babies.
Well, of course he thought she was totally obnoxious.
But then at the end of the movie, he said you're right, you're adorable, and then they got married.
-Well that's easy enough to understand.
It was a comedy.
PRUDENCE: Well, yeah, I know, but how do you explain this?
That Betsy Drake did, in fact, marry Cary Grant in real life.
Of course, it didn't last very long.
And then he married several other people, and one of them was Diane Cannon.
And she later said that he was insane and did LSD.
-So there you have it.
-I don't know.
-You really don't know, do you?
-But you haven't left yet.
You said you were leaving, but then you stayed.
-I know, but that's not particularly meaningful.
I was just curious as to why you put that ad in the paper.
-So you'd answer.
You're so afraid of things.
I just had this litte urge to kiss you.
-I'll-- I'll get a rash.
-I don't want to answer that.
-Yes, thank you.
-Thank you so much.
-I love this place.
There's someone to watch over you.
-(BOTH SINGING) Someone to watch over me.
STUART: That was great, huh?
Was it not fantastic?
Really great, huh?
Ah, what is it with you people, huh?
You ladies haven't got done with the sex.
You think sex is supposed to go on for hours or something.
If you are not satisfied with that performance, then you got a problem that I can't solve.
-So what about this guy?
Did you slept with him yet?
I mean this is therapy.
-Stuart-- well, yeah.
I wasn't planning to, but, but--
-Was he better than me?
-Ha ha, yes!
-No really, I mean, this office is no place for lies.
I mean what are you telling me?
You like him better?
I suppose he took his time.
-I suppose he lasted for just hours!
People wanting sex for a long time is sick!
Mrs. Wishit, please don't slam the door when I'm trying to meditate.
It's very disconcerting.
Would you send in my next client, please?
-So he was a real success, this guy, huh?
-Well, success and failure are not particularly likable terms for describing sexual outings.
But, if you must, yes, it was successful.
Probably his experiences with men have made him all that much better as a lover.
-But Masterson and Johnson say that homosexuals make far more responsive sexual partners anyway.
-But I have to tell you, you are talking such bullshit.
Masterson-- these bastards are out of Sigmund Freud.
What are you talking-- I know-- I understand.
I understand completely now.
You are afraid of a real man.
You're so-- you have to cuddle and with some eunuch who doesn't no presenting no threat.
-There is no need to call him a eunuch.
A eunuch has no testicles.
-I've got balls, darling.
-I suppose you're just going to sit there and not say anything.
And that is supposed to make me cry.
-You are a fag hag.
Right, you are a fag hag.
I got to write this down.
-Wait-- now wait a minute.
I admit that I find this man's supposed bisexuality a little confusing, and-- and I don't quite believe it, but--
What are you writing down?
STUART: Wouldn't you like to know?
Wouldn't you just loving to know what I'm writing down?
PRUDENCE: You call this therapy?
-You like to see women cry, don't you, Andrew?
But you get upset when you see men cry.
When are you seeing the homo-- [LAUGHING] sexual again.
He's making dinner for us.
You are going-- you are going to eat-- you are-- you are going into-- you are going to eat with this poof?
But, I-- I mean, he's sick, you know.
I tell you, he's sick They are sick, because--
I got nothing to add to that.
-You know what people say when there's a very long, long conversation?
They say, oh--
-Oh, it must be 20 after.
-I imagine people say it must be 20 after to you all the time.
-Excuse me a moment.
-I'll get it!
I got it.
Who is it, as if I didn't know.
PRUDENCE (ON INTERCOM): Bruce?
-I wouldn't know.
Come on up.
It's on the right.
Why don't you grow up, please?
-Why don't you grow up?
-You're a big baby.
Well if I'm rubber and you're glue, then whatever you say bounces back and sticks to you.
You must be Bob.
BOB: When you see him, would you please tell him I'd like to see him in our room.
PRUDENCE: All right.
-Here we are.
Here we are.
One Perrier, on Poland water.
-Bob's here. -Oh, yeah.
I know. Did you meet him?
PRUDENCE: You know, listen.
I thought you told me he was going to go away.
BRUCE: Yeah, he was going away, but then he changed his mind and--
-You mean he's going to have dinner with us?
He said he was going to his mother's for dinner.
He's got a very, uh, funny mother and she's sort of, uh, theatrical.
BRUCE: But don't let Bob upset you.
-Oh, no, no.
He didn't upset me.
He's the one who seems uncomfortable.
Where are you going.
Don't be so shy.
BRUCE: Well, cheers.
-He said he wanted to see you in his room, or your room.
I'm not sure which one it is.
-I'll be right back.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hey, hey, hey.
-Listen, I really think that I should leave.
Everything's fine now.
Give me this.
What do you have in here?
This weighs a ton.
-Ha ha, you are a lady.
Now, he vents his anger, that's all.
And it's all done now, OK?
-But I thought that you told me that the two of you had broken up, and he wasn't jealous about you seeing women, and--
-That's not exactly true.
I'm sorry, let me explain this to you.
Some members of Bob's group therapy as it happens sent me this note saying that if I wanted to go see women, I should just go out and see women.
So I just sort of presumed, you know, that they convinced Bob eventually, but I guess they haven't.
-They wrote you a note?
-Oh, the rice.
Ah, it's Rice-A-Roni.
-Wait-- wait a minute.
Stay there, stay there.
I'll be right back.
-I broke a vase.
-Thought I heard something.
-Bruce says I'll like you if I can just get over my initial hostility.
PRUDENCE: Hope so.
-Bruce is a really conflicted person, you know.
I suffer a lot dealing with him.
BOB: Now this latest thing-- having women traipse through here at all hours.
Did you ever see "Sunday Bloody Sunday"?
-No, I-- I don't think I--
BOB: Well, I sure wish Bruce hadn't.
Almost ruined him.
It's all about this guy played by Murray Head, and he's having an affair with Peter Finch and that English actress.
-Isn't Peter Finch dead?
Well-- but the point is, it's really a very silly movie because I don't think that bisexuality exists.
-Well, you know something?
I-- I really wanted to talk about this BOB: I think Bruce is just trying to prove something by running around with all these women and putting ads in the papers.
And my mother said so too.
She says I have to be more patient and understanding.
It's probably just a phase he's going through, and I have to put more work into the relationship.
But I don't want to blow this one because it's so difficult to meet new people.
-I know it is--
BOB: I think everyone is basically gay, don't you?
BRUCE: Well, I burned the wild Rice-A-Roni.
But, uh, we've got lots of salad.
Can I speak to you a second, please?
I mean you told me that Bob wasn't going to be here and that he wasn't jealous about you seeing women.
So maybe I should just go.
[DISCUSSION IN BACKGROUND]
-Do it for our sake.
Prudence wants to talk to you.
Just gonna-- we're gonna talk this out.
-Well, there's no need to be.
I've realized I make you uncomfortable.
-Oh-- Oh, no.
You-- you really don't.
I mean, I thought you would, but you don't, and that's just exactly what I was telling Bruce.
Prudence likes you, Bob.
She's not like the other women, you know?
I like lots of men.
-Well, we have that in common.
-So, Prudence, uh-- you've been writing about anybody interesting for People these days?
Prudence writes for people.
-No one interesting.
Just, you know, people.
-My mother reads People.
-Does she now?
Well, that surprises me.
She's French, you know.
-Bob's French, too, but he doesn't, uh, remember it.
France-- he was only six when he came here.
-I am not French.
My mother may be French, but I am not French.
I'm an American.
-Ah, OK, actually that's true.
He's an American.
Um, Bruce tells me that your mother is theatrical?
I'm-- I'm sorry, was that a bad thing to say?
-Well, I suppose it depends on what you mean by theatrical.
-Well, I don't know.
Bruce said it.
I mean, I hardly even know who Ethel Merman is.
-He probably means she has a certain flair.
Is that what you mean?
-His mother acts like a transvestite.
That's what I mean.
-Just because my mother has a sense of humor is no reason to accuse her of being unfeminine.
Don't you agree that women theoretically can have a sense of humor?
-You know, I've never liked transvestites.
I mean, I've never thought they were funny.
It's such a repugnant image of women.
-My mother is not a transvestite!
-I know, but I didn't mean to imply anything about your mother.
I-- I like Jack Lemon as a woman in "Some Like it Hot".
I mean-- well, but, that was a movie.
I mean, but what do I mean, Bruce?
-Change the subject, Prudence.
May we, please?
What does Bob do for a living?
-Excuse me, but I'm still in the room.
What do you do for a living, Bob?
-I'm a pharmacist.
Imagine how interesting that must be.
-Can I freshen your Poland water, Prudence?
PRUDENCE: No, no.
I'm fine, thanks.
-So, Bob's a pharmacist.
Um, but your a pharmacist.
PRUDENCE: What do you-- well, what do you think about the Tylenol decision to stop making capsules?
-I think it's silly.
Look, I realize I'm making everyone uncomfortable.
-Look, Bruce, this isn't fair to me.
This is you two's problem.
This is the problem you guys should work out together.
You're always right.
That's why I like you so much.
PRUDENCE: Will you just stop that right now!
BRUCE: You're too sensitive.
Besides, he's probably getting ready to go to his mother's.
-My mother's on the phone.
-I didn't hear the phone ring.
BOB: I called her.
She wants to speak to you.
Why are you causing all this trouble?
PRUDENCE (ON PHONE): Me?
What is This is this passion you have for ruining my son's life?
PRUDENCE (ON PHONE): I have absolutely no interest in your son's life whatsoever--
BRUCE (ON PHONE): Now look, Zizi.
I've asked you not to meddle in my life, and now I'm telling you it doesn't do any one any good when you do.
Don't-- do that!
She's singing Bach, I think.
Mother, it's me.
You can stop singing now.
Well, just finish that section.
-Finish this conversation in the other room, and please get out of here so Prudence and I can have our date.
What's she singing?
-Keep singing, Zizi.
Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I should have protected you from this.
-Bruce, this is very silly.
I mean as far as I can tell, you all are married and maybe you should just go and see a marriage counselor or something.
I mean, we're only seeing one another casually, and--
I don't feel the least bit casual.
PRUDENCE: You're giving me my rash again.
-How can you tell?
-I'm getting goosebumps.
-See, that's not a rash, and it's not casual.
-What's that? -The doorbell.
BOB: Don't let her in.
-Don't let who in?
I told her I was checking into a hotel and then jumping out the window I can't continue this way.
ZIZI: Let me in! -I don't understand.
You just hung up on her.
-She lives next door.
BOB: Just tell her I've gone.
BRUCE: I'm calling my therapist.
Unless you think your therapist is better?
PRUDENCE: No, no, no.
BOB: What about my group therapy?
PRUDENCE: I slept with my therapist.
BRUCE: What do you mean you slept with your therapist?
-When you were sucking my filthy, big toes.
Oh, God, I hate pink.
I'll wear nothing but black until I die.
-Zizi-- don't interfere in this, Zizi.
I am the family.
Oh-- oh, you don't look at all what I expected.
That's nice pink.
-He's going to see us right away.
Isn't that great?
Oh, I never got in need of therapist in all my life.
And I don't have any intention of starting now.
We should all have a nice dinner and forget about our differences.
-He's right next door to Mrs. Wallace.
I could have been in the next room when you'd slept with him.
-Come on, we'll introduce you.
I-- I'll just wait out here.
BRUCE: Mrs. Wallace, this is Bob-- Well, I'll-- listen.
I'm going to leave you two and go have dinner.
-You're not-- you're not going to leave me here.
You're not trying to help.
-Prudence, what a wonderful surprise.
-No-- no, this isn't what you think.
-But, of course, I know.
I know, it's so wonderful that you've come in without appointment.
We don't say it, because it's too therapeutical.
-I think that you're misunderstanding.
-Keep going, dear.
No, I never misunderstand.
-You said we were going to talk to her together.
-No, that would be group therapy, wouldn't it?
-A small group.
-For the first session, you just listen to what Mrs. Wallace has to say-- yes-- and I'll see you later.
-I have to ask you a--
-This drawing was drawn by an emotionally disturbed three-year-old whose parents beat him every morning after breakfast.
Hey-- are you this short sighted?
PRUDENCE: Stop that!
STUART: Don't stop.
Will you stop that routine?
You're going to expect me to believe you come in here without appointment if you don't want to getting laid?
PRUDENCE: Oh, Stuart!
STUART: Come on, darling, it's only take a moment.
PRUDENCE: I know!
-Are you child psychologist?
-Why do you ask that?
-Do they bother you?
You're a grown up.
You can play with whatever you like.
-What did you play with as a child?
-Toys, dolls-- were you allowed dolls?
-Yes, I was.
It's nuclear weapons I wasn't allowed to play with.
STUART: Where are you going?
PRUDENCE: None of your business, and as a matter of fact you've been married before.
[ARGUING BEHIND DOOR]
Hey, are you OK?
Why wouldn't it be?
-Uh, is that why you went to bed with him right away?
-Let's not discuss that, all right?
BRUCE: Hey, I thought I heard scuffling in there.
PRUDENCE: Are we going to get some dinner BRUCE: Yes.
Yes we are.
-Is it a very good idea that we've come back here?
I mean, we've never gotten any service here.
-It's the gateway to our honeymoon.
Ah-- [SPEAKING FRENCH].
I think I kind of like it.
This is our place.
-Sorry if I'm late, Mr. Bean.
Let me take care of you.
-He's been putting these ads for women in the paper for a while now, but I think he's serious about this Prudence.
-Well, why does that bother you?
Because he's my roommate.
If he moves out, you just get another roommate.
Put an ad in the paper.
As a matter of fact, my son is looking for roommate.
He doesn't get along with either Mr. Wallace.
Maybe he could move in with you.
-I don't think you understand.
Bruce and I aren't just roommates.
We're-- Doesn't Bruce ever talk about me in his therapy?
Um, mm, uh, maybe I should get my dirigible-- oh, but she isn't here at the moment, is she?
This is a special session, isn't it.
-Did I say dirigible?
What word do I want?
-The word you're looking for.
Is it blimp?
-It most certainly is not?
Boom-- Broommate-- roommate!
You wish to interview my son as a possible roommate.
Is he gay?
Absolutely-- that is the most rudest thing-- an innocent boy is looking for a room, and you presume him to be gay?
Queer-- oh, homosexual?
That is sick.
That is so sick!
-Have you been Mrs. Bruce?
Would you consider it?
I don't believe this.
I mean you and Bruce love-- ah.
I mean he-- he doesn't even look homosexual.
He talks about women all the time.
Puts ads in the paper for them even.
He didn't whisper anything.
Oh, I wish my secretary-- dirigible, that is the word I was looking for-- I wish my secretary was here so she could bring in his file, but of course it's after hours, so she won't be here.
She's out looking for men after hours.
Not that she ever finds any, of course, because she's very unattractive.
Oh, I expect she's off something masturbating as we speak.
At what age did you first masturbate?
-I don't want to talk about my childhood.
PRUDENCE: Bruce, I can't marry you.
BRUCE: But you thought about it.
Listen, I overheard you talking about the possibility to your psychiatrist.
I heard you say it.
-But, I didn't actually mean to marry you.
I mean, it was just a reaction.
There was no thought or reason behind it.
What you just said-- listen.
That's exactly what you must do.
React without thought or reason.
Act on instinct.
-Um, what do you and Bruce do exactly?
-What do you mean?
-Oh, come on.
I mean-- how do you do it?
-I don't think I want to talk about that.
-But you must!
You must tell me everything.
Patients act out some of their deepest conflicts through the sexual act.
Women who get on top may wish to dominate.
Men who prefer oral sex with women may wish to return to the womb.
Every act is a clue to the trained psychotherapists.
I know a woman who has sex every day of her life with a perfect stranger.
Sometimes twice a day.
Every day with the same perfect stranger.
-Then how can they be strangers if they do it all the time?
-They haven't been introduced.
They don't speak.
They don't caress.
There's none of that-- blech-- foreplay.
They just fuck.
They get straight to the heart of the matter.
-That sounds disgusting.
-It is not disgusting.
They don't do queer things.
They just have sex.
Straightforward natural sex.
Everything put in the place it was meant to go.
-I came here to talk about the person that I love.
-Ah ah ha ha!
I know what you queer, gay, faggot queen homo-- ugh!
Get up to.
-It's people like you who've oppressed gays for centuries.
BRUCE: Think of peoples who become heroes during emergencies and terrible disasters.
They don't stop to fret and pick things apart.
They move on sheer adrenaline.
Think of the uncontrollable disasters, like-- like the towering inferno in "Terms of Endearment".
Think of instinct and adrenaline.
Aren't all your girlfriends from college married?
PRUDENCE: Oh, yes.
Many of them.
BRUCE: Don't you want children?
PRUDENCE: Yes, I think I do--
BRUCE: So do I. With you and children and occasionally Bob--
-Cassoulet with white peas.
-I-- whatever, we don't got.
I got a recommendation for something very nice.
-Am I bleeding?
I don't feel any blood.
-It's only a starter's pistol.
I don't want to go to prison.
CHARLOTTE: But-- I'm sure I have a pain!
-Well, maybe you have an ulcer.
My mother has an ulcer.
-Don't be ridiculous.
It would be impossible for me to have an ulcer.
BOB: But you're not shot.
I know that.
I was very careful to buy a gun that would only scare Bruce and that floozy.
I certainly do not want to rot in prison no matter what they say about the society of incarceration.
-You wanted to punish them?
Good for you, bully!
-Woo, I never thought of myself as a bully.
I was always on the other side.
Are you sure you don't have an ulcer?
-I am absolutely proof-positive sure I don't have an ulcer.
It would be impossible for me to have an ulcer because I don't repress things.
I admit my feelings.
When I wanted to hurl anti-homosexual epithets at you a minute ago, I just let them rip-- Wow!
And that is why I'm helping, and you're making progress too.
-You felt anger.
You drew your little toy pistol.
Pow, and shot me.
That is the beginning of mental health.
-I thought this was a French restaurant?
-Yes, madam, but in, um, New York, only best French restaurant is serve Italian food.
-You see this guy over here?
Looks like he's trying to hide.
What, he's pretending to be a waiter now?
-Oh, for God's sakes.
-Who is it?
-It's my therapist.
Would you excuse me for a minute please?
-Why are following me?
-I want you to leave here with me this instant!
-Are you insane?
-No, but you might be.
I'm going to give you a sedative, and then I'm going to drive you home.
-I can't believe you're following me.
-I care for my patients.
You are very, very sick.
We have years of work ahead of us.
-I am discontinuing my therapy with you.
-Ah, just stop it.
PRUDENCE: I just don't ever want to see you again.
Now will you please leave this restaurant?
-Hang on, fella.
You want me to hit him?
OK, the lady wants you to amscray, mister.
-Ah, is this the degenerate you told me about?
-What she tell you about me?
-Don't talk to him.
Stuart, leave the restaurant.
I'm getting tired of this.
-Not until we fix our next appointment.
-But I told you I discontinued my therapy with you.
-But tell me why.
Tell me why.
-Because you're a premature ejaculator and a lousy therapist.
Now beat it, buster, before I have my boyfriend here cold-cock you!
What's that over there?
I'm going to tell you now what happens to you without therapy, eh?
You are going to become-- you're going to becoming-- you're going to become-- excuse me.
You are going to becoming-- you are going to become the lonely, pathetic old maid, and pretty soon you're going to break him off with this crowd.
And then you are not going to go out with men at all.
-You are talking utter gibberish!
I am not going to wind up and old maid.
In fact, I might even marry Bruce here, and if I do, we'll send you a picture of our children every Christmas in the mental institution where you're going to be locked up!
STUART: Gotta tell you--
-I know why.
I know why, but it's not that easy for me to do.
It is not that easy and you make it seem like it should be.
-Go on, Bob.
-I just want to tell you he's made me feel very badly.
-You shut up, you.
I am feeling very angry.
-Who are these people?
-Give me that!
Give me that!
I am sick of the service in this restaurant, and I'm very hungry!
Now I want somebody to bring me a steak!
Two vegetables, and a small plate salad with vinegar and oil, and a glass of red wine!
BRUCE: Both at once.
No, go, go, go-- OK.
-I-- I'm so hungry.
It's a celebration.
-But you should always have a little sugar after you have meat.
-I think she's ignoring you.
-Maybe I will have another one.
-Did you know the service in this restaurant is superlative?
I hadn't even asked for anything and whoosh--
BOB: Mother, why are you dressed in black?
Did somebody die?
There's been a death in the family.
-But you and I are the only people in the family.
-That's what I mean.
A death in the family.
-Something's wrong with Mother.
-The woman there?
She's a patient of mine.
-You are a doctor?
-I happen to be a rather well known psychotherapist actually.
You look to me like a perfect stranger.
Where is your office?
-He's a terrible therapist.
-You know something?
I think you know where is my office.
I think that we met before or something.
CHARLOTTE: Ho ho!
I have never made eyes on you before in my entire life.
STUART: Maybe not eyes, but, uh, something.
CHARLOTTE: If you think I know you-- Andrew, what are you doing?
Is this where you work?
This is my son I was telling you about here.
He's quite attractive.
-Why, thank you.
This very nice young man is a patient of mine.
And what do you think-- he is looking for a roommate.
Is that a nice coincidence.
-My money's all wet.
I can't pay this.
-Prudence and I are getting married.
-What about me?
-I thought you were going to go kill yourself.
-He tried to kill all of us.
-He was expressing his anger.
-Just a moment ago, I think he was expressing his fondness for the waiter.
CHARLOTTE: Who happens to be my son.
-For God's sake, I just looked at him, you know?
And I mean you're talking about running away with this woman and getting married.
You know, you are impossible, you know?
I guess I thought that after I shot you, you'd give up this whole silly thing about women.
BRUCE: Yeah, I need the stability of a woman.
BOB: She told me I ought to do it.
I'll marry you.
I think Mother would like that.
You know, we'll find some crackpot Episcopal minister that will adopt some children.
I want my own children.
I want to reproduce.
Prudence can give me children.
With you, I can only rent them.
-I don't want to have children with you.
I want to be left alone.
I want to become a lesbian.
-Oh, this is Andrew.
Now, you know something I think you'd find interesting, Andrew, is the therapy group we have here.
-Would you please shut up about therapy?
I am sick of hearing about therapy.
I hate therapy!
I am sick of talking about myself, and I am sick of everybody talking about me!
-You must stop this self-destructive behavior.
-OK, but I think you are a very bad therapist in many ways.
-I think you have a terrible, terrible accent in every way.
What is it supposed to be anyway?
What are you talking about?
Spaghetti Western Italian.
-When was Framingham Italian?
You know that's not Italian.
You're a big phony.
You're a phony.
-All right, I'm not an Italian.
Fuck you, sister.
BRUCE: This is getting too complicated.
-My stomach feels queasy.
-A gut reaction.
It's instinct, isn't it Prudence?
-On instinct, is your stomach queasy?
-Do you need therapy?
-Uh, is your dress wet?
-Uh, is your name Ashley?
-Will you marry me?
I've gotta throw up.
-I don't think we've been introduced.
My name is Bob.
-I-- get off in five minutes.
-Well, I'll be sitting here with my mother.
BRUCE: All my life I keep fluctuating between being traditional and being insane.
You're not listening.
I asked a question and she doesn't listen.
Let me talk this out for myself.
For instance, marrying Sally, my first wife, was trying to be traditional.
While sleeping with the gas man, or that time I took my clothes off in the dentist's office, are my going into the opposite extreme. -I lost my appetite.
I can't eat.
BRUCE: Um, now I meet Prudence, and I'm just struck with a sense of balance.
Look, I think I've learned that-- that life can tolerate contradiction.
And it isn't about doing what other people want me to do, or expect me to do.
Nor is it about finding myself.
I think it's living doing what I can with all my might.
-It must be 20 after.
-Oh, someone said that life is action and passion.
I can't worry it isn't exactly what it could be.
That people aren't exactly what they should be.
-We're not picking out dishes.
We'll probably just end up going to a movie or something.
BRUCE: Beside from being decently honest, and, uh, not letting people step on me-- that's really all I understand about living that makes any sense.
And, uh, why am I so taken with Prudence?
There's a line in a song, you know, that goes
[SINGING IN FRENCH].
You can't command yourself to respond to someone.
Well, perhaps likewise it's difficult to explain it when you do, but what I began by saying was that I'm not happy being only traditional, or only insane.
BRUCE: And that's where you fit in.
I feel you're very traditional.
Like Sally, but Sally had no imagination.
She was too stable, but you're very unstable.
And because of that, I think that we can be very happy together.
-So do I.
-Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?
-Well-- where else?
I've always loved Paris.
-I've never been there, but I love it.
-Prudence was too much of a prude to go, but Ashley-- you know, you're gonna have much more fun in bed with Ashley, but Prudence is going to make a much better wife.
-Then let's the three of us go.
-Menage a trois?