Big Ass Spider! (2013) Script


Oh, thank goodness. Stay, Mrs. Butterworth.

Stay, damn you! Stay! Stay! Stay!

Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.

How are you? Oh. Oh!

How are you? Oh, you're shaking.

Thank you for coming. Okay.

Thank you for coming. Oh, that's all right.

On your day off especially. Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?

Where is it, out back? It's in the trap.

In the where? In the trap.

Okay. All right, it's okay.

Thank you for coming on your day off. I got our little friend..

Is it ugly?

Is it ugly? They're all beautiful to me.

Kept us up all night long with its ruckus. Didn't it, Mrs. Butterworth?

Butterworthless when it comes to catching critters.

At 5:06 A.M. I heard that trap shut, and I called you ASAP. You're on my speed dial.

I know, Ann.

I hope you rot in hell, you filthy vermin!

Okay, I'm going to set it loose in the park, okay?

Yeah, set it loose in the park. Break his neck first Alex? Alex.


I am... I'm just... I'm so embarrassed.

The darned government was late with my Social Security check again, so I brought you this.


A little sugar. That is so sweet of you. Thank you.

It's full of maraschino cherries, and I left off the stems this time.

Wow. Well, you can never count on the government for anything, but you can always count on me. My favorite client.

You are such a nice guy.

Ah, well... How come...

...a nice guy like you is still single?

I ask myself that same question every day.

I guess I just haven't met the right girl yet.

When you do... ... she's going to be exhausted.

That was awkward. Okay, bye, Mrs. J. I'll see-

Alex, Alex. Yeah.

You have a spider on your arm. What? Oh, that's a tattoo.

A spider. No, no, no, no. A spider is on your arm.

Oh, look at that. Look at that. Oh, that's a brown recluse.

This is highly poisonous. As long as you don't provoke it, so we just have to stay calm. Okay?

Let me help you.

Remain calm, okay? Let me help you. I can-

No, no, stay calm means I don't need your help.

Okay, let me help you.

No, don't help me. You just stay calm. No, Mrs. J. No-

Paging Dr. Bender. Paging Dr. Bender.

Was that a dead body? Let's not focus on that, Mister...

Mathis. Was that one of your patients, Nurse...

Lisa? I mean, I-I don't care.

I'm not saying that you were responsible for that, but being your next patient I was just a little concerned.

You know, I would imagine, if I looked up the word "nurse", in let's say, Nurse Journal or Nurse Illustrated or whatever it is, that I would probably see a picture of you.

I mean, you are, like, the perfect nurse.

Are you done? Okay.

Okay, so it says here you have a small puncture wound on your upper arm.


Can you remove your shirt, please? Sure.

It might be a bullet wound, though, actually, because I'm dodging bullets all day long in what I do.

And what is it that you do?

Um, well, I actually-

Ow, ow. I, uh... Actually, I shouldn't tell you. It's top secret.

I'd say you're a comedian, but the shirt gives you away So do your work boots.

Well, Mr. Mathis, it looks like one of your bugs bit you.

From the swelling, I'd say a spider.

You know what? You'd be right. It was a brown recluse.

All right, let's just do 1/10 cc of Dexamethasone or cortisone, whatever you want. It's not my first barbecue.

Okay, let me check that with the doctor. I'll be giving you these shots myself.

Then you'll be out fighting bugs again in no time.

Uh, nurse... Lisa... let's say for a second that this is lethal, and, you know, I've only got one meal left.

What do you say, you, me, breakfast? Huh?

No. No.

It's too early for this crap and need some help from the captain.


$200 for gauze? Seriously, I hope they accept fruitcake as payment because I don't know what I'm going to do.

Okay, everybody calm down. It's just a fire alarm.

Walk out, please. Slowly. Let's go, sir.

Don't worry. Don't be scared.

It's okay, don't run. Slowly, slowly.

Okay, it's fine, folks. It's fine. Everything's fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please.

Uh, this is a false alarm. It is a false one, folks.

There's no fire in the building, so if we could all just remain calm, that would be great.

Jose, I need you to turn the damn thing off.

Okay, you got it, boss. Thank you.

Are you okay?

You know what? I can help them out if you want.

You want me to help them out? No, we're okay. We're fine.

You sure? Yeah, we got it.

Excuse me, Director? Yes.

Carl has something very crazy to say. There's something in the morgue.

It climbed right out of a body bag, and it bit me. I swear to Christ.

Like the... Like the living dead, Carl?

Jose, please. Sorry, I like those movies.

Carl, what the hell are you talking about? Did you pull the fire alarm again?

Hell, yes. Didn't you hear what I said?

There's some sort of animal that's down here.

Okay, but, Carl, you work at a hospital. If something bites you, there's doctors and nurses everywhere. There's no reason for you to pull a fire alarm and alert the entire building.

But it bit me, boss. It bit me. Maybe somebody brought in a dog.

It's not a dog. Listen, I know how this sounds, but you should have seen it.

It's got these long black legs, like a spider, but it's much too big to be a spider. We've got to call somebody.

Look, if it was bigger than a spider, it wasn't a spider.

I'm sure. A black cat, maybe, Carl.

It's too big to be a Call somebody.

Was it a monkey?

Why would it be a monkey? I don't know.

Could've been a spider. Carl, right? Okay. Listen, it may in fact have been a giant tarantula.

I've seen tarantulas as big as a foot across.

Who's this guy? He happens to be an exterminator.

Spiders happen to be my specialty.

I know what spiders are thinking. I get into a spider's head.

I think like a spider. I move like a spider, all eight legs.

I become a spider to catch a spider.

Okay, all right. Do you want to go down with Carl and maybe take care of this thing?

I'd really appreciate it. As you can see, I've got my hands full here.

Right now? Yeah.

I'd really appreciate it.

I would love to do that for you. Carl, we could do that.

Sure. I love to work pro Bono.

Okay, that's great. I appreciate that. No problem at all.

No problem. I just have a quick thing to discuss. See this?

This is my bill for the hospital. I haven't settled this yet, so I'll take care of this for you if you take care of this for me.

Sort of quid pro quo pro Bono. Sounds fair to me, boss.

Thank you, Jose.

Yes, fine. That's great.

Consider your visit on the house. Thank you.

Great. Okay, Carl, will you take this gentleman downstairs, and let's get rid of this bug, okay?

Okay, boss, but I don't feel so good. Let me see the bite.

Okay, I'm going to get you to the E.R.

It's going to be an intern's nightmare.

José. Yeah.

Will you please take our bug- killing friend to the morgue?

Oh, sure.

Anything he needs, just take care of it, okay?

You got it, boss.

I'm going to have to grab a couple things from my... from my truck.

That's okay.

You're not a real police officer, are you? Security guard.

Okay. All right, my truck's out back. Okay. Oh, and they hand me a gun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, put it away.

I will. I have handcuffs, too. Good. Okay.

I got some mace. Sure.

So you get in the mind of the spider, really?

I do. That's crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a little nuts.

Sir, we have a location. E.T.A. 5 minutes.

It's over here.

Uh-oh, the lights don't work so good.

It's cold in here. No, spiders don't like it cold.

They like it warm. Dark and warm.

Well, that's good.

Hey, Jorge. Uh-huh.

Can you get my flash light? It's in the side of my bag.


My name's Jose. Okay? Okay.

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, God. What?

This is so gross.

Oh, yeah? What? Look at this.

No, describe it. I'm not going to look.

Oh, uh. What?

The spider must've... oh, he must've got inside this guy's body and dug his way out through his lungs or his stomach or something. What?

Oh, my God. Oh, poor guy.

How big did Carl say this thing was? What did he say exactly?

Exactly? Yeah.

Let me see. Uh, "He bit me, boss. He bit me."

And then Lisa said "It was a doggie."

He said, "No." And then I said, "Maybe it was a black cat." He said, "No."

"Then it's a monkey." He said, "No." He said it was like a spider but bigger than a spide-

Maybe it was a spider monkey.

A spider monkey? A spider monkey.

Ooh, what is all this? We already called. It was a false alarm.

No, it wasn't.

Is that, like, Raid?

Raid? No. Raid is for housewives.

This is a very potent brew, my own concoction of sticky acid.

A few drops on a termite hive, and it's history.

And it's eco friendly. Oh, that's nice.

Okay, if you were a spider, where would you be?

Oh, damn it. What?

Yes, I know, but I thought it was, you know, spider... you were scared, too. Shut up.

Where's this vent go to?

Uh, through the building, from the roof, all the way down to the basement machine room.

The machine room? Yeah.

Where it's warm. Ah.

Okay, Jose, get up there. I'm not going to get up there.

Come on, man. You're a little guy.

Get in the vent. I'm not going in there.

I'm kidding. Get my bag for me.

It's not funny, man. But, listen, are you really going to go up there?

Yeah, that's what I do.

This is how I roll, man. There is no bug that can outdo the Ex.

And besides, the bug that we're dealing with?

Is a big bug. Ah.

In my line of work, it's the little bugs you've got to be scared of. you've got to be scared of.

Oh, the little ones. Yeah.

Oh, I hate little bugs. You know? I hate gnats, mosquitoes, cucarachas of course.

I don't even like lady bugs. You know, everybody likes lady bugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hate roly pollies, too. I can't stand them. Chiggers.

Chiggers are, like, really bad because they get under the skin.

Okay. Sorry, the one we're looking for has a mean bite.

You've got a lot of elderly, sick people, kids.

Let's do this for the kids. Let's do it for the kids.

All right.

I'll be on channel two. I'm going to need you to talk me through the entire vent, okay?

All the way through the building.

Wanna make sure this thing doesn't double back and come back through this way.

Uh, wait a minute. I don't have the sticky acid.

Yeah, but you've got the gun, you've got the handcuffs, the mace.

Trust me, this thing is more scared of you than you are of it.

Huh, I don't think so.

Uh, sir, there are no cell phones in the hospital. There's a sign right there.

Set up a perimeter around the hospital. Lieutenant, lock it down.

Uh, that is a negative, my friend. Repeat, not happening. We have patients-

Your hospital is now under my command.

I'm sorry. I'm Gordon Harris, director of the hospital. Who are you?

I am Major Braxton C. Tanner, Special Forces, United States Army.

We have reason to suspect you've inadvertently received a very dangerous contagion.

There's a body that was mistakenly sent here to this hospital.

We'd like to see that body. A contagion?

Now, where's the morgue?

Breaker, breaker, this is the Ex calling El Dorado. Come in, Jose.

Uh, hi, yes, I'm here. El Dorado, did you say?

Yeah, El Dorado. I'm coming up to a junction, east and west. Which way to the basement?

Uh, what's a junction?

It's ... like when two roads come are... you know, come together in a T, and you don't... Do I go left or right to go to the basement?

Go left.

What? Yes.

Hello. Don't yell at me. Go left.

Left, right?

Yes, go left, izquierda. Am I scared of what?

Go left. Okay, I'm going left.

Jose, I'm not alone in here, buddy.

Oh, my God.

Jose. Jose, you're not going to believe this.

It looks like our friend has already had a little snack.

This is unbelievable and so beautiful. The structure's incredible, the strength.

I can't... I've never seen anything like it.

Oh, it's so sticky.

It's so sticky.

Oh, good God.

Oh, that's not good. That's not good.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Come on.

Oh, that was interesting. Oh, man.

So this is where the body would've come in.

Our morgue attendant Carl's fallen ill, so he-

Fallen ill?

It is here.

Move to full lock up, people. All units gear up.

So you're saying that the military can just come in and shut a hospital down?

That's not legal. You can't do that. The hell I can't. You are under military jurisdiction on a matter of national security.

Your full cooperation and discretion would be very much appreciated.

Do we have an understanding? Yep.


Excuse me, Director Harris?

Uh, not now, Lisa. Can we talk for a second?

Not now.

Something's happened. It's one of the patients.


Well, he's... Dead?

Let's take a look.

Ah, okay. I'm onto you, buddy.

It's already hunting.

Granted the patient's immobility indicates an advantageous access, like a buzzard selecting wounded prey.

It will get the hang of the kill quickly. How long has it been?

Blood coagulation fresh. Ten, maybe twelve minutes. It is close.

How big do you think it is now, Doctor?

It has quadrupled in size. Qua... in 24 hours?

It will continue to grow exponentially. Four hours from now it will quadruple again.

Where are you, friend?

Where are you, buddy? Come on, buddy. The Ex has

..a treat for you. I got a... a treat for you.

U.S. to Mexico. U.S. to Mexico. Jose, it's Alex.

Copy that. I think I found our spider.

I'm down in the basement, buddy. Down in the basement.


Where are-

There you are, little buddy. Wow, you're not such a little guy, are you.

All right, I've got something for you.

I got something for you. Nice and shiny. You're going to like this. Ready?

That's my quarter. Give me back my quarter!

Oh, no you don't. Not this time.

You gonna run from me?

Ah, come on, buddy.

Get down!

What, are you trying to kill me?

Hey, they said I could be here. What are you-


Was that the only one?

The only what? Spider? Uh, yeah, I hope so.


Oh, great, it's gone.

Yeah, nice job, moron.

Made visual contact. Moron?

Target it now in the sewer system.

Prepare to move out. Moron?

I'm bringing an eye witness in for questioning.

Hey, I had this thing bagged until you started shooting at me.

No. Shooting at me.

Okay, you've got no idea what you're dealing with.

Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm a professional.

Oh, I see. I see. Of course you are. And, hey, nice uniform.

Thank you very much. Now, move out.

That was sarcastic. Move out.

Are you feeling something? 'Cause-

Head out.


Did you ever see the arachnid?

I don't know what that is. Did you say Iraq?

Arachnid. I like your pipe.

Major, here he is, a local exterminator. Uh, Alex.

Alex Mathis, actually. It's pest eradication specialist.

All kinds of pests, rodents, reptiles. All I want from you, Mr. Mathis, is details.

Tell me what you saw down there.

Hey, there he is. Hey, how you doing?

What's up, Jose? In concise sentences, please.

Okay, can I sit down? It's been one hell of a morning.

Yeah, we're going to sit down, okay? You want details? This thing's huge.

This is the biggest spider that I've ever seen, maybe the biggest spider on record, and from the look of the bite that it gave that mortician, I'd say this thing is highly poisonous, aggressive, fast, smart.

It's strong, really strong. It moved that sewer grate out of the way.

That's got to be about 25 pounds. This is a big-ass spider.

Exoskeleton's hardened then. It's already entered Stage Two.

All right, Major, we've got to get it before it hits Stage Three and increases in size again.

Increases in size? What are you talking about?

What does that mean? Who are you guys?

Why are you hunting a spider?

We appreciate your time, Mr. Mathis. Lieutenant, will you escort these two gentlemen off the premises?

No, no, no, no, no, don't brush me off...

Hey, it's not going to stay in the service tunnel very long.

You know that, right? It's gonna look for a place that's warm and dry not cold and wet and it's gonna want to hunt.

You're way out of your league, son.

All right.

Well, I've had worse job interviews.

I think your boss really likes me. I thought it went well.

He doesn't like games. He doesn't like games?

Then what's with the secrecy? Just tell us what's going on?

Look, we made a mistake, and now we're taking care of it, and that's all you need to know.

No, no, no, no, no, what does that mean, "We made a mistake"? Like "We" made this mistake?

I've got to get back, so why don't you two take off before Braxton has you arrested.

Wow. Uh, Lieutenant. Yes?

Just in case the military or you should need any assistance at all... ...this is my card.

Mister... Alex.

Alex. Alex...


On Twitter it's bad-ass bug killer.

If you think of anything else important, you can give me a call.

Oh, so look at that. That wasn't so difficult, was it?

I will definitely be giving you a call.

All right. All right. I appreciate it, and I could friend you.

All right, don't let this get out. And try to stay out of trouble.


Hm, what a nice lady. I think she likes you.

Can't believe I let this one get away.

She's right there. I call her.

No, no, no, no, no, Jose, the spider?

Oh, yeah. Hey, but where are you going?

What do you mean, where am I going? This is it, buddy.


The end of our adventure. It's been fun. Hey, you cannot give up now, Alex.

You heard her. She's got the Army working with her.

What are we supposed to do?

But isn't this, like, the biggest spider ever?

Yes, this is, without question, the biggest spider on record.

Yes, so it would be good business, right, for you to catch it or kill it.

Yes, if I could catch it or kill it, which I can't.

Okay, but it could make you famous, right?

Yes, this would get a lot of press. What are you getting at?

Look, you could be super- exterminator.

And Jose. And my boss told me to help you, so I'm going to help you, and you know, like, how? Like Robin helps the Batman.

Like Tonto helps the Lone Ranger.

Like Kato helps the Green Hornet. Yeah.

Like Sancho Panza helps Don Quixote. Yes.

Like John Oates helps Daryl Hall, baby.

Yes, we are going to do this. We're going to show her that spiders don't fly.


And spiders don't swim. Yes.

Some do, but that's not the point. You and I are going to find this spider before they do. Come on.

Let's do it. Wicked.

The five-mile radius should be enough. Let's get some eyes out there.

Any sign? Containment is our priority right now.

We have to neutralize the target before somebody out there sees it.

The mere sight of this thing will 'cause mass panic.

Sir, we have a problem.

Dodd, who shot the amateur video claims it was footage of a giant spider measuring over six feet in length.

We now go live to the scene of this strange sighting.

I saw a big-ass spider. I came around the corner.

First thing I had to do was get my phone out.

Ain't nobody gonna believe this...

I seen this spider was coming at me, man.

It had multip... like, what, eight, six legs?

Yeah, about that. It had multiple legs, dope.

It had multiple eyes. It was multicultured.

The fool's on crack!

If I see the spider again, I'm gonna whoop his ass.

Are we ready to the spider? Yeah!

You better hide your kids, you better hide your wife 'cause there's a big-ass... bigger than a spi... there's a mega-spider on the loose.

Find that building and the connecting service tunnel.


It is moving into Stage Three.

Thank you, Doctor. Karly. I'm on it.

We're going to need a miracle.

Hey, I like that song, Alex.

I like that music, too, my friend, but we've got to focus.

You're right. Focus. Okay, so what is the biggest spider ever?

Biggest spider ever has to be the Goliath birdeater.

Yeah, unbelievable. This thing's got a six-inch abdomen, three-inch fangs, 13 inches across. But I gotta tell you, what we're following now...

Yeah. This thing, what I saw...

Yes. Much bigger.

Oh, come on. I'm not kidding.

13 1/2 inches? Much bigger.

14 inches. 14 1/2 inches.

Much bigger. 15 inches.

I'll meet you on the other side. 15 1/2... 16 inches?

20 inches. 20 inches?

What I saw was 20 inches long and black.

Sounds fun.

Sir, there's a phone call for you.

This is Major Tanner. Yeah, it's Officer Edwards with the LAPD.

Something down here you're probably going to want to see.

What is your location? So what is this thing?

It's probably some cross breed of spider.

I don't know. It's just, like, a gigantic black widow.

Okay, so where would a black widow go?

Well, black widows are night feeders, so it's going to be looking for easy access outside the sewer tunnels, some food supply, not a lot of traffic, calm area, possibly- What?

Un río. The river. Yes, yes, the L.A. River.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

There. There's something.

Oh, sweet mother of God.

It built this under one hour.

Looks like it housed maybe 20 or 30 people at night.

Do you see any survivors?

No. No one left. Except for maybe some leftovers.

A little more to the right, please.

It has molted.

Center. Center Command, this is Major Tanner.

We are at Stage Three. I repeat. We are at Stage Three.

This town has no idea what's coming.

Ah, it looks like they beat us to the punch. Yeah, but do you think they killed it?

I don't know. I'm about to find out.


Hey, it's Alex. I was just wondering, um, so you got your spider, huh?

What? Where are you?

Where are we?

We're right across the river from you...

...and your soldiers. Hey.

Listen, we just missed it. Anything else?

Anything else. Um-

Ask her out, man. What?

Ask her out, Alex. No.

Don't be scared. I'm not scared.

Listen. No offense, but I don't have time for this, all right? Good-bye, Alex.

I was wondering if maybe-

What? Hello.

What happened?

Uh, spider's still on the loose. Oh, it is?


Okay, so. Where do you think it would go from here?

Well, it's going to be looking for food and fast.

Thought you said it hunts at night.

Yeah, but something this size is going to hunt when it's hungry, and there's nothing around but industrial space.

It could hide in the hills.

Yes, it could... Yes, it's going to be looking for higher ground.

Very good guess, Señor Watson. It's going to need tree cover.

You know, my cousin had a quinceañera at Elysian Park.

It's Sunday. There's lots of people there cooking out.

That's where I would be with my family if I had the day off-

Hey, you know what? Elysian Park. Let's try Elysian Park.

Are you serious? I just said Elysian Park, Alex.

Come on. Vámonos!

The drone has a lock on our target, sir.

Good God.

Location? Elysian Park Get units there now.

Oh, stop sign, Alex.

No, there's no slowing down. We've got to get to the park.

Oh, there goes the stop sign.

We have got to get to the park and evacuate these people.

Oh, boy.

Oh, man. We gonna get it now. I told you to drive slow.

I'll do the talking, okay?

Yeah, hope so. You're the white guy.

Alex, wait- Oh, man.

Listen, I'm a professional Driver.

I'm going to need you to step back into your vehicle.

No, no, no, but there's something huge in the park, and I'm just saying we have a major-

Alex, listen to him. Okay? Just listen to him-

Excuse me, sir, I need you to step back inside the car.

Put your hands on the dash board.

Okay, good luck. Good luck, Alex.

Back inside the car. I understand what this is all about.

What's going on in the park today? You got a picnic?

All right, maybe I should just donate to the officer's fund. Huh?

Is that right?

Huh? Is that what it's going to take?

Is that... Is that what this is? That's exactly what that is.

A donation to the officer's fund. Yes, siree. Can I go now?

This is a 12... $12 donation. Seriously, man?

Yeah, this is all I got.

Twelve dollars? Sir, I'd like for you to turn around.

Turn around? I'm a professional.

Put your... Turn around, put your hands on the car, please.

There are hundreds if not thousands of people in the park..

Their lives depend on us getting there.

Is that right? Yes, absolutely.

All units, all units, please report to Elysian Park.

Yeah. There's a disturbance in progress.

Okay. Huh? Huh?

Elysian... ¿Elysian Park?

Oh, look at that. Okay, go! Go!

Don't... Don't be waving me off. You better get out of here, all right?

This works. This works.

Can I have my bribe back?

Hey, what are you doing? I'm going to ram it.

Oh. What? Yes.

No, you're joking. Yes!

Go! Go! Go! I'm going as fast as I can.

Are you okay? Are you okay? No.

Are you okay? No.

You're not okay? No, I'm not okay.


Who in the hell is that idiot? That's Alex Mathis.

The exterminator? Yes, sir.

He's going to get himself killed.


Okay, listen. Enough of this. Your Spanglish is pressuring me. All right?

I can't go on.

Hello, Western Exterminator. We care.

Alex, this is Lieutenant Brandt.

Hey, Karly, how are you? We're onto your spider. We're in Elysian Park.

Listen, we're here, Alex. Get clear. We're going to handle this.

Uh, no, no, we're going to take care of the spider, and then I am going to take you out to dinner.

Alex, I'm not joking. You're heading right into a crossfire.

I'm sorry. We're heading into a what?

A crossfire.

A crossfire. What's a...

A crossfire? What's a...

All right, on my command. Open fire!

My truck!

You son of a bitch! Alex, don't!

Are you insane? What were you thinking?

Hey, did you miss me? You could've been killed.

Well, we just thought we'd bring the spider to you.

I don't have time to deal with this clown. Get him out of my sight.

Yes, sir. You're welcome.

Keep him out of our way. Lieutenant, regroup the men and form a perimeter. Yes.

I want to kill that bastard while it's still in the woods.

Yes, Major.

And get some more men up here.

Hey, I lost my truck. Uh, I lost my glasses.

You will need more firepower.

There's enough explosive in here to take out a tank.

Thank you.

I lost my truck. You're worried about your glasses?

I'm... yeah, you're right.

Hey, Karly, what about me? What about you?

Well, should I come with you? Jose and I can be our own unit.

Yeah, I shot it a whole bunch.

All right, listen, guys. Seriously I've really appreciated everything you've done, but we've got it from here. Okay?

Wait, Karly.

You guys, listen. You guys did a great job.

Thank you. Karly, you need my help.

Alex, what I've got to do now is move out.

You and your men are about to walk into a death trap.

The wooded area's her terrain. This is home turf advantage for her.

They don't call her one of the greatest predators on earth for nothing.

Trust me. Karly, you need my help Alex, this is my job.

How come women never listen to me? What?

Stay sharp, boys.

Now, if you come across a hide or lair, your first priority is to drop the thermite pack and fall back immediately All detonation will be signaled from here.

Look out. Look out!

Where's Balzda? Where's Balzda?

We lost all of Alpha company. Lon's camera's down, too, sir.

Target acquired. Target acquired.


Sir, we lost Private Parker.

Send teams Delta, Echo, Foxtrot now.

Damn. Guys, I'm stuck.

Yeah, well, I'm stuck in this stuff, too.

Okay, it's... Charlie One. It's... Charlie One.

We need immediate backup now.

Lieutenant Brandt. Yes, sir.

If it gets in your vicinity...

...and you have a chance to end this, are you prepared to do so?

Yes, sir.

Shh-shh-shh. Quiet. Quiet.

Hi. What are you doing here?

I'm saving your ass. What do you think I'm doing here?

Be careful. Be careful. I know. I know.

Oh, my God.

Come on, hurry, hurry. Get me out. Get me out.

I am. I am.

If I just heat the knife, we should be able to cut right through it. Hold still.

Here... Here we go.


Okay, thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Okay, we've got to keep moving. And don't stop moving.


Okay... whoa, whoa, whoa, keep moving. Smooth, smooth, smooth.

Okay, I have a contingency plan. Yeah, what's that?

You see this pack on my back? Yeah It's filled with explosives that'll blow that thing a mile high.

That's not good! If you blow that thing a mile high, you're going to blow us a mile high. I'm sorry, Alex.

What? Are you kidding me? The girl of my dreams wanna kill me on my day off?

This is great. Please don't do it!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come one. We gotta go. Let's get out-

Come on. Come on!

Come on, Karly! I'm coming.



Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, guys. Sorry, Alex.

Sorry, Alex? What do you mean, sorry Alex?

What's the plan, guys? We gotta rescue her.

You're kidding, Alex.

Kidding? No, I'm not kidding.

She's as good as dead. Let's move on.

No! Wh-What are we all?

We're just numbers to you guys? Is that it?

Hey, Braxton, come on. What is this? It's just collateral damage?

Lieutenant Brandt and I went through hell and back to get her, so don't tell me about losing a friend.

She was a good soldier, and her death will not be in vain.

Now, we're running out of time. It's still out there.

And about to run amok into Stage Five.

St... Okay. What-What's Stage Five?

Doc, what happens in Stage Five? Come on.

This is not the first time you guys have dealt with this.

What did you make that is running around killing people?

We didn't make anything, at least not intentionally. his arachnid is an aberration from several unusual technologies.

Come on. In layman's terms, what are we dealing with?

Alien biology, not terrestrial.

So you're saying the spider's an alien? Yeah.

Not exactly, but yes. DNA cross breeding from microbial fossil found in Martian soil.

So you made a spider do it with an alien. That's messed up.

No, no, no.

That's messed up, guys. This is your people, Alex.

No, no, no, we did cross breed two species.

We isolated separate genes, one of which, in particular, produces a superior growth hormone. It's promise is infinite.

Giant tomatoes to feed the whole world and such.

"Tomatoes" is the first word I understood. You know?

But something went wrong. No kidding.

I got a question for you. Yes.

So why do we got the giant spider? I don't get it. You get it?

I don't get it. What's with the spider, doc?

We don't get it. You get it, Braxton?

It was an accident. One of the fruit plants that were brought in as a test subject had a spider's nest hidden inside. The arachnid biology...

...was immediately responsive to our growth hormone.

Major and I monitored four stages of growth.

Letting it proceed to Stage Five was deemed unacceptable.

What happens in Stage Five?

What happens in Stage Five?


Of course. Reproduction. I should've guessed that.

Yes, of course reproduction.

It would have to be reproduction, right?

Because this fairytale has got spiders from Mars, right?

It's a nice little bedtime story to tell us you're telling us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got spiders humping each other.

Alex, even with our high-tech equipment, you managed to find it the same time we did.

Yes, I did.

No, wait. We did. Okay?

Right. Correct?

You seem to understand its nature. Yes, I do.

So what's your best guess?

Oh, so now you want our help, huh? School them, Alex.

All right, my professional opinion is that without question, she's going to lay her eggs as far away from a populated area as she can get.

Humans she doesn't trust. She never has.

So you're not going to find her anywhere near a populated area.

What, like under a bridge or a warehouse or s...

No, no, even more isolated. Far away.

Sir, sir. Far away.

Sir, I think you need to see this.

We have a live feed of Newscopter 8 that has spotted...

...the creature headed toward Little Tokyo.

We advise you that if you are in that area to evacuate immediately.

Or she might go downtown.

Oh, l-look. It's right there.

Found her. It's big.

It appears to be climbing up the top of City Hall.

The size of it is just unbelievable. It also appears to be hostile.

If you are in the downtown area...

All right, son, this is Tanner.

Request status on Operation Ground Swell.

Call in an air strike, Major.

Wait. Air strike? What air strike? Contingency.

You can't just drop a bomb here. Oh, that's not good.

No, you can't... you can't bomb downtown L.A.

We're running a little low on options, so I'm calling in a targeted air strike.

You're risking the lives of thousands of people.

Saving millions.

Wait a minute. There's got to be a better way.

Enough of this. Remove this Western Terminator.


Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you try it, pretty guy.

Oh, Okay. You got it. Okay, we're leaving.

Sir, we have a lock on the building.

Zooming in.

Is that Lieutenant Brandt?

I need a minute. Copy that.

I hope you have insurance.

The company has insurance, yes. Well, don't worry about it-

Alex, wait. It's Karly. She's still alive. Don't mess with me.

That spider, she laid her eggs on top of the Epic Bank Building.

There are a lot of people trapped up there. Karly's one of them.

Okay, so what do we do?

Well, you have about 24 minutes before the jets arrive there.

And what happens before then is up to you.

I'll drive. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Okay, so what's the plan, Alex?

The plan: Stop the spider, save the city, kiss the girl.

Oh, good. Any idea how to do that?

No. That's what I thought.

Our guns are doing nothing against this thing.

Disengage. Disengage. Pull back, but maintain visual contact.

See, it's a perfect target up there. If we can take it out on the rooftop, it'll keep civilian casualties to a minimum.

As long as we take out that building before the eggs hatch.

So can I ask you something else, Alex?

Sure. Go, Mexican Robin.

How are we going to kill this big spider?

I'm trying to figure that one out. I mean, we can't shoot it.


Why? Because it's huge. The exoskeleton alone is stronger than anything we've got to penetrate it, and it's resistant to flames.

It's resistant to any kind of heat.

We have not even created a fire suit strong enough to-

Fire, eh? How about fuego?

No, no, I just said it's resistant to fire.

Yes, but the web catches on fire, so can we use that?

Wait a minute. What?

Wait a minute. That's it. Jose! What?

If we can ignite the spinneret, we can blow it up from the inside out.

Really? Yes!

What's a spinneret? Spinnerets.



Er... er ...ets.


Where's the spinnerets? In its ass.

So we have to shoot the spider in the butt.

In the butt.

How we going to do that? That's right.

Uh, how we going to do that?

With this. Oh, baby.

Right? Wicked.

Where's the air strike? E.T.A. two minutes.

Have them circle once more.

You are insane, Braxton. You can't risk these eggs hatching. Take down that building now.

I'm done with you scientists. You started this thing.

Now, you let us finish it. Remove this man.

Escort him out of my command center now. I will see you in hell, Braxton.

Get me Alex on the phone. Western. We live to kill.

Alex, you have 10 minutes to get to the 60th floor.

After that I have no choice. We can't risk any of those eggs hatching.

Ten minutes is all we're going to need. Look out. Look out!

No, no. Jose! Hey, Jose!

Okay, I've got to go save Karly. I've got to go save those people.

I'm coming with you. No, we may not get out of there in time.

Then we better get moving. Let's do it, Alex.

Air strike E.T.A. five minutes away.

E.T.A. three minutes. God help us all.

We're gonna kill some spiders. Gonna kill some spiders dead.

We're gonna kills some spiders. Gonna shoot those muthas in the head.

And stop.

That's pretty good. That was all right. Let's do this. You ready?

I'm ready. You nervous?


It's good that you're nervous. Let's do this.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is what I was afraid of. She's laid her eggs.

Holy huevos.

Oh, look at this. Oh, man.

¡Alex! Karly.


She's alive. You were right.

I'm going to go help her. You help these people.

Okay, I will.

There you go. Go towards the exit on the left, there's a lot of spiders on the right. Okay Alex! Okay, I'm right here. Right here.

Just promise me this is the last time that I'm going to have to rescue you today.

I mean, seriously, two saves in one day. Hurry.

¡Alex! ¡Alex! I got it.

Nice. Oh, boy.

Here they come. Time to go! Help me! Oh, my God, help me!

I need a hand. I need a hand!

Oh, my God, she's dead.

We gotta go. We gotta go. Alex!

Come on, Alex! Clear out! Clear out!

Come on, Alex!

Thank you for calling Western.

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Nice shot. Yeah, well, now we're even.

No, not quite. What?

We're out of time.

Engage target. Engage target.


Well, let's not celebrate just yet.

So how much you gonna charge for killing the big spider?

I don't know, but I hope it covers the cost of a new truck.

Yes, he is. The major wants to talk to you.

Major? Hope I'm not in trouble. I hope not either.

Yeah, Major?

I gotta hand it to you, kid. You knocked it out of the park.

Thank you for saving Karly.

Well, thank you very much, sir. I told you I'm a professional.

That you are, son. That you are.

Yeah, well, any time you have any trouble, you know who to call, except it's not going to be cheap. I've got a partner now.

And there's a little business about my, uh... my truck I made some modifications to it. Alex.

And I'm not sure that the insurance at the company's going to cover it.


Major, I'm going to have to call you back. Alex, can we get out of here?

I'm sorry, Jose. I live to kill.

Okay. I got your back, babe.

Hey, Jose. What?

You remember that conversation we had in the... in the truck?

Which one? The one about the spinneret.

We're going to shoot it in the butt.

Find me that bazooka! You got it, Alex.

You want some of the Ex?

Alex! I'm coming.

Tíramela. Throw it to me. Watch out, Alex! Wake up, Alex!

Up yours.


Nicely done.

I told you I'm a pro. I'm a pro. Oh, look at you, you're gross.


You've got web all over you. You're one to talk.

Well, it looks like we're stuck together for a while.

Is that a problem? No, I don't have a problem with that.

Well, what should you do with the rest of your day off?

I can think of a few things.

All right, you guys.

Okay. Hey, come on, guys. Get a room. Okay?

Alex, I'm afraid we have a little problem.

What's the biggest