Big Daddy (1999) Script

[PHONE RINGING]

[THE PHARCYDE'S "PASSING ME BY" PLAYING]

SONNY: Hello? MR. KOUFAX: Sonny, it's your dad.

You asleep? SONNY: No. Hey, man.

I was exercising.

Bullshit. You were sleeping. No, I wasn't. I wasn't.

This kid won't stop lying to me. You still act like you're 6.

SONNY: Oh, yeah, okay, Dad. I act like I'm 6.

MR. KOUFAX: Any luck finding a job where you can work more than one day a week?

SONNY: Uh, I've been looking.

MR. KOUFAX: Looking doesn't pay the rent, kid.

SONNY: Hey, all the money I won from the cab accident is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax.

MR. KOUFAX: Yeah, well, don't blow it all on worthless crap.

SONNY: I won't.

MR. KOUFAX: You know what you should spend it on? Your bar exam.

SONNY: You're the lawyer in the family. I ain't taking a damn bar exam.

I got too much other shit going on in my life.

MR. KOUFAX: I don't know what the hell happened to you.

SONNY: Okay. MR KOUFAX: Anyway.

How are things going with your girlfriend, what's-her-name, Vanessa?

Things are going fine.

Shit!

I gotta... I gotta go.

Shit! You turned off the alarm clock again.

SONNY: No, no, no! I mean, yes, I did, but I thought you needed more sleep, Vanessa.

I knew I shouldn't have stayed here.

That was a real jerk thing to do. Thanks a lot.

What are you doing? Why are you going to work? It's Sunday.

I'm not going to work. I'm going to brunch with some potential clients.

That's how a party planner gets business, by meeting people and making contacts.

Meet with me. Come on, I'll order in from Cozy's. We'll have fun.

I am sick of Cozy's. You order in from there all the time.

The delivery guy's like your best friend.

Well, he happens to be pretty damn nice.

This is a rough patch in my life right now.

Syracuse is 0 and 3. And I got those medical problems.

Medical problems?

A cab runs over your foot two years ago. You spend one night in the hospital.

First of all, that cab was huge.

And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth $200,000.

So there you go. Whatever.

What the hell's the matter? Why are you being so nuts to me lately?

Because you refuse to move on to the next phase of your life.

I, on the other hand, would like to have a family someday.

But I need someone that I can rely on, not just a playmate.

What, you need a father figure? "Stop pulling your sister's hair!"

You know what? I'm gonna go to Syracuse to see my mom.

I'll be back on Wednesday. What are you talking about?

I had call for delivery in building, but I think it was crank call. You want some chocolate cake?

It's a bad time, man. Come back later. I'll Indian wrestle you.

You're going down, sucker.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Okay. Peace, out.

What do you mean you're going to Syracuse?

Because I need time to think and so do you.

What do I need to think about?

Your life and why there's any reason for me to be a part of it.

All right. While you're at it, why don't you think about getting a real job?

I got a real job!

[EVERLAST & THE WHITE FOLX'S "ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART" PLAYING]

Patrick Ewing, nice shot.

Hey, Sonny. What's up, buddy boy?

I'm out the door. Hey, pal.

Where you going? Manhattan.

Manhattan? You wanna take me with you?

All right, I guess.

All right, hold on to your money. Later on, pal.

Okay, take care, Sonny.

See you.

SONNY: Cadillac, I love it.


ALL: Surprise!

CORINNE: Just ignore him.

Shh, shh, shh. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny.

Yeah, it's only me. It's only me.

What's going on?

Corinne's throwing a surprise going-away party for Kevin.

Why didn't she tell me about it?

The roommate has a right to know.

Because she knew you'd tell him and ruin the surprise.

No, I wouldn't.

Hey, surprise.

ALL: Surprise.

Surprise. Surprise.

What's going on?

We wasted the good surprise on you.

All right.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Is this your handiwork?

I guess.

See you in three hours.

Good to see you stiffs out anyways. What've you been doing?

Last three weeks have been crazy at work, man. I've been in Denver, Dallas, San Francisco...

I've been sleeping in the office.

We're going to trial on this securities fraud case.

Honey, it was a great surprise. I was totally shocked.

CORINNE: No, you weren't! And I worked so hard on this.

Need some help?

Honey, your sister's here. Hey, sweetie.

CORINNE: I hate Sonny.

So my client's out 7 million bucks, and all we can sue on is breach of contract.

Maybe you can try suing under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

I gotta get back to the office. Sonny, you're the king.

Right on. Mikey, a pleasure.

I'll see you at home. All right.

I'll walk you out. Okay.

I gotta admit, I'm still a little weirded out when they kiss.

Why? They're gay. That's what gay guys do.

Yeah, I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school.

They're still like our brothers. Our very, very gay brothers.

What are you doing after this? Going to a Klan meeting?

Remember when Dad had that huge barbecue for all his work friends and then it rained, so he and Mom had to go into the kitchen and make like a hundred hamburgers with one frying pan?

CORINNE: Yeah.

Well, you're not gonna let a little rain stop you from making a hundred hamburgers, are you?

[LOCK CLICKS]

[MELANIE C'S "GA GA" PLAYING]

[THE CROWNSAYERS' "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" PLAYING ON STEREO]

That relationship's lasted a lot longer than I thought it would.

Look at his eyes though. He's bored out of his mind. I give it two more weeks.

Hey, excuse me. Everybody! Hey!

[MUSIC STOPS]

I'm sorry. I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight.

Uh, or I guess I should say:

[SPEAKS IN CHINESE]

I'm getting it. Tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton and Mandel.

Yes, me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet.

Prove it!

Just kidding.

But I am real glad you're all here tonight, because I'm about to do something that I never thought I'd have the guts to do.

You're not proposing, are you?

Uh, yeah, pal, I am.

Well, think about it, you know?

God, Sonny, shut up!

Anyway, uh, will you?

Yeah.

Good call on the two weeks, pal.

[RUFUS WAINWRIGHT'S "INSTANT PLEASURE" PLAYING]

Hey, Sonny, what was that all about?

Hey, congratulations. You and Big Boobs McGee are gonna be real happy.

Don't call her Big Boobs McGee.

You wanna explain to your children you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?

Sonny, that was five years ago. She's a doctor now, and my fiancée, so from now on, Dr. Big Boobs McGee.

Congratulations. Thanks, man.

I just, uh, got shit going on.

What's the matter?

Vanessa's gonna break up with me and I don't know what to do to make her wanna stay.

Vanessa's just getting older. She wants different things, you know?

Career, stable relationship, a family.

That's how they get.

I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.

Like when we were at Syracuse. Yeah.

And Vanessa worshiped you.

Yes. That was nice.

Nobody was hassling you to get a job.

Tommy and Phil were showering separately.

Those were the days.

What are you doing? If I make this putt, Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am.

Oh, you're going to the putt.

Remember, the roof breaks to the right.

Yes! That's what I'm talk...

Good God!

That can't be good.

Where's Kevin?

Oh, he already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you.

Why are you here then?

I'm cleaning because you're useless.

And then what, you gonna go to your Hooters reunion?

You guys can sit around, talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?

At least I can fit my ass into my shorts, fatty.

Speaking of fatty, whose is this?

I don't know. I'm eating it then.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

"We wasted the good surprise on you."

Yeah?

Lady gave me $5 to bring him over here.

What do you mean? Later.

What, are you selling raffle tickets or something?

Oh, boy.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Kevin Gerrity. SONNY: It's me.

I got something to tell you.

Yeah, what's up? There's a kid here.

Uh, what kind of kid?

Uh, if this note is true, it's your kid.

What are you talking about?

Um, I'm having a tough time reading this, but I think it says, "Dear Kevin: This is Julian, your son.

I hope you understand why I didn't tell you about him until now, but he needs your help. I can't be his mother anymore."

This is ridiculous. Wait, hang on.

Who's this?

This is my friend.

Is that Kevin on the phone? No, it's my Uncle Remus.

Hi. What's your name?

Is he all right?

Yeah, he just doesn't like you. Leave us alone.

You're such a dick.

That was your girlfriend. She was acting really "Hooterific" again.

Who sent that note? "Jan."

Jan... I don't know any Jan.

Where's he from? Where are you from, buddy?

Buffalo.

Buffalo. I've never even been to Buffalo.

Somebody's messing with me. Maybe it's a mistake.

Is there really a kid there? Or is this like the time you said my parents were dead?

I swear to God, he's right here.

I'm coming home, all right? I don't know how I'm gonna explain this to the partners...

No, no, no. Hang on.

It says here, "If you won't take responsibility for him, they found a foster family..."

Yes, Uncle Remus, I know the catfish are huge.

That's terrific.

Here's a number for a guy at City Social Service Bureau. Arthur Brooks. I'll call him.

I better come home. No, no, no. Let me take care of it.

You sure you can take care of this? Yeah, I'll be fine, don't worry.

Hooters. Hooters. Hooters!

All right, listen, Sonny. Thanks a lot. Yeah, later.

Well, I'm gonna make another phone call.

You want to come and sit down, pal?

Or you can stand there. Anything you want.

I'll be a minute.

[RINGS]

BROOKS [ON MESSAGE]: Social Service office is closed today, Columbus Day.

We'll be open tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

Columbus Day.

[♪♪♪]

Boy, I don't know what to tell you, pal.

Don't worry. Everything's gonna get figured out tomorrow.

Can you be a tough little guy until then?

Great.

Hey, do I need to get you a bottle of formula or something?

No.

What do you eat?

Food.

Yeah? I eat food too.

What? Come on.

[♪♪♪]

You need me to hold your hand?

What I like to do on Monday afternoons is go to Central Park and watch the rollerbladers fall down.

You into that? I don't know.

SONNY: Watch. This guy's humming.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. He's going down, he's going down, he's going!

[GROANS]

How old are you, anyways?

Five. Five?

You wear a diaper?

No.

You wipe your own ass then? Yes.

You do? Good job. That's cool.

Come on, fall down. Fall down. Yes! Oh, come on, damn it.

You suck. You suck. You suck!

Check this out.

[♪♪♪]

SONNY: My God!

There's a stick there. Somebody should move it.

All right, now what way would you put that on?

This Columbo, he pretends to be stupid, but he's really smart as a tack.

Oh, yeah, he is.

You put the vane on down there. Then this boat comes up.

I wipe my own ass.

Me too.

So, Mr. Ass Wiper, what's this guy's name?

Scuba Steve.

I like his flippers. Does he ever take them off?

No. How about if he goes bowling?

They don't make him wear bowling shoes? They let him wear the flippers?

Yes. Really?

I had a doll like that at one time.

But my cat, he bite his head off.

What kind of cat would do that?

You calling me a liar?

Hey, take it easy.

Anyways, Monday Night Football is tonight. Jets are playing.

We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone, okay? You wanna come with us?

I've got more deliveries on the bicycle.

Well, maybe you can also finish the turkey on your lip.

Right there.

[SONNY LAUGHS]

[STYX'S "BLUE COLLAR MAN" PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]

SONNY: Yeah, let's crank up the Styx.

No music during the game.

It's halftime. Relax, Mr. Herlihy.

Goddamn Jets.

What are you doing in here, cutie?

Watching football.

Who do you want to win? The goddamn Jets.

Have fun.

[ELVIN BISHOP'S "FOOLED AROUND AND FELL IN LOVE" PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]

Hey, too bad you don't like girls. I think you could've had her.

I'm thirsty. You're thirsty?

What do you want, a soda? Are you allowed soda?

I don't know.

My mother always said that soda rots your teeth, but you're gonna lose them teeth anyway, so rot on, right?

Can we get two root beers, please? Sure.

Man, when I graduated law school, we used to meet here every Monday night to watch football.

Who would meet you?

My friends, Vanessa.

Vanessa always used to root against the team I wanted to win just to bust my chops.

But everybody's so busy with their crap lately, no one ever comes.

Like I'm not busy?

Hey, Mr. Herlihy, how about you shut up or I'll smack you through the wall like last Monday?

Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on, woman.

[LAUGHING]

Anytime.

He drinks a lot of soda.

I'm telling you, buddy. Vanessa, she's the one. I can't lose her.

I'm not getting any handsomer, I know that.

Every day I get a little bit older and balder and fatter.

Fatter? Yeah.

When I was your age, I could eat anything I wanted. Wouldn't gain an ounce.

Now, I have a chocolate shake, my ass jiggles for like a week.

Enjoy the metabolism while you got it.

Metalobism?

Good God, it's 2:30 in the morning. You must be wrecked.

Anyways, I had fun today. Did you have fun?

Yeah, you're all right.

Have a good one.

Sonny?

Yes?

Could I have a night-light?

Night-light? I think I can help you out. Hang on.

[♪♪♪]

Let's see here.

There you go, all right?

Sonny?

Are you my dad?

Oh, ah...

No, I'm not, but that whole Dad and Mom thing we'll figure out in the morning, okay?

You just go to sleep.

Good night. Good night.

[LIMP BIZKIT'S "JUST LIKE THIS" PLAYING]

Go get the can, okay?

Go! Go! Go!

I'm thinking about keeping the kid.

Sonny. Remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it, but then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet training it?

Yeah. Well, this is kind of like that, except with a human.

I mean, I'm glad you had fun and all, but this is big.

I gotta do something big with my life. I think Vanessa will respect that.

So you're thinking that since sometimes women get pregnant to try to fix a troubled relationship, why can't a guy adopt a kid to do the same thing?

I didn't think of it like that. But, yeah, that's a good point. Yes, that's what I'm thinking.

Sounds nuts to me, pal.

Do yourself a favor. Sleep on it.

You're right. Can I borrow your cell phone for a minute?

Thank you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Arthur Brooks speaking.

Hey, Mr. Brooks, how you doing? Kevin Gerrity here.

Ah, right on, Mr. Gerrity.

We were expecting your call.

Yeah, I was wondering, do you still got a foster family lined up for Julian?

Yes, we do.

Well, you can cancel them. I've decided to take care of the little guy.

Way to sleep on it, pal.

Hey, you two want to get married, I support that. Leave me alone.

When natural parents take the responsibility, I mean, there's absolutely no bigger high for us.

I'm psyched about it too, buddy.

So I guess that's it.

Yep, that's it. And good luck to you and your son.

My son.

MAN: Goddamn stick!

That's my boy.

Hey. Hi.

Go back to sleep, all right?

Well, I'm going back to sleep. Nighty-night.

I wet my bed.

Oh?

[EURYTHMICS' "SWEET DREAMS (ARE MADE OF THIS)" PLAYING]

Oh, God.

That's a shitload of piss.

Okay.

There you go, all right?

No more wet mess.

Sleep, all right? Just try to sleep. Stay asleep.

[NEWSPAPER RUSTLING]

[RUSTLING CONTINUES]

No.

Sit still!

Lay!

All right! I'm up!

It smells like urine in this joint. Good job.

What are you doing there, boy?

Making cereal.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you pour me a bowl?

Or don't pour me a bowl. Either way.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

[CRYING]

Hey, hey, hey. We can fix this.

Hey.

It's not a big deal.

Look. See?

See how quick it goes away?

Crybaby, come on.

Don't worry about it, boy.

Ow!

Scuba Steve, damn you!

You like that? You think that's funny, me getting hurt?

Ha, ha.

There's a bright side to being up before 11: We can catch McDonald's breakfast.

I haven't been up in time for that in like 10 years. You wanna do that?

Tie your shoes, we'll go. Hurry though.

It's like 12 blocks from here, so tie quickly.

[♪♪♪]

Do you need help with that?

I can do it.

Let me do it.

[♪♪♪]

All right. You loop it, you swoop it, and you pull.

You loop it, you swoop it, you pull.

Good, good. All right, let's go. We're in a hurry.

SONNY: See, it's different for your generation.

You guys have always had the McDonald's breakfast available to you.

JULIAN: I have?

SONNY: Yeah, yeah. When I was born, all we had were the burgers and fries.

Maybe the fish sandwich.

I'm not sure. I gotta get back to you on that.

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, the hand-holding thing.

I remember my dad took us to McDonald's the very first morning they had breakfast.

Everybody was baffled in the place.

They were like, "Are these sausages or are these hamburgers?"

I have to go to the bathroom.

You what? We're gonna be there in a minute.

I gotta go now.

Hey, didn't you pee enough in bed already?

We only got nine minutes to get there.

But I gotta go to the bathroom.

All right, let's go.

Hey, buddy, can my kid use the bathroom for a minute?

Customers only.

Oh, yeah, he's just a kid. Come on, we'll be in and out.

It's not my problem.

It's not your problem? All right.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

Here you are. Your waiter will be right with you.

I can't do it.

What do you mean, you can't do it? You said you gotta go. Just go.

I'm scared. Could you do it too?

All right.

Here we go.

And we're off.

That's not too difficult, right?

And we're both losing weight.

Good job. All right, we're gonna miss breakfast. Let's go.

Put it away. Yeah.

Hey. Thanks, anyways. Sure thing. Anytime.

SONNY: Come on. Move your ass there, pee-boy.

We only got five minutes, five minutes. Now four.

Come on. We're almost there. We're almost there.

Hey, mister. Why are you sitting on the ground?

This is where I live, little man.

We gotta get going, pal. Why?

Well, in retrospect, I made some really bad choices after high school.

Yeah. We gotta get going, buddy. Why?

Well, this was during the so-called Disco Era, but for me, it was more the Doing Mushrooms Era.

Okay. We're gonna miss breakfast. Why?

I never really thought about that, kid.

I mean, I was never Mr. Popularity in high school, and I watched Fantasia a lot.

And one day it just clicked. SONNY: Hey, yappy.

If you end the conversation, I'll get you an Egg McMuffin.

How about a Sausage McMuffin with hash browns?

You got a deal.

Look, look, look. He fell asleep. He fell asleep. Let's go.

Let's go.

[♪♪♪]

Sausage McMuffin.

Pardon me, sir. Sorry.

Hey. How you doing?

Welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?

Okay, what do you want? Cheerios.

Cheerios. They don't got Cheerios. What else?

Lasagna.

Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you?

We'll take hotcakes and sausage.

Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast.

What are you talking about? We're four seconds late.

No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.

Ah, horseshit!

[JULIAN CRYING]

No, no, no. Don't cry. I'm sorry.

I wasn't cursing at you, I was cursing at the lady.

Nice parenting.

Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? Take a walk.

Do you want a Happy Meal? We'll get you one.

You got a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal?

Will somebody get the kid a Happy Meal?!

Relax.

Hey, where's my Egg McMuffin?

Breakfast is over at 10:30.

Really? Yeah.

I thought it was 11. I thought that too.

Total mind blower.

Will you just relax? Here.

What do you want me to do? What would cheer you up?

You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight. She's nice. You'll like her.

You wanna see me get hurt? Will that cheer you up some?

All right.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

You like that, huh? You think that's funny?

Good. No more crying.

Are you okay, man?

Next time, kill me.

["ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART" PLAYING]

Let's do it, Rangers.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: New York Rangers against the Tampa Bay Lightning.

And at this stage of the season, it's as close as you can get to a must-win game for the Rangers.

Otherwise they'll fall behind...

How you doing? How you doing?

You like hockey? You like hockey?

This is a big, important game.

Cut the crap. Cut the crap.

I'm being serious. Don't do that.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Shut up.

Hey, don't you take naps?

Sometimes.

Well, why don't you go take a nap?

I'm too hungry to sleep.

You want some food?

[WHISPERS] Having a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]


ANNOUNCER: He's taken down! Penalty shot!

[GRUNTS]

Hey, how you doing there, boy? You sleepwalking? Huh?

Why don't you go back sleepy? Sleepy.

Keep napping. What's this?

Kangaroo song.

All right, great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay?

But after my nap, I always watch the kangaroo song.

It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place.

This happens like once every 10 years...

Kangaroo song. Kangaroo song!

Kangaroo song! Kangaroo song!

All right!

God! You were normal yesterday.

["THE KANGAROO SONG" PLAYING ON TV]

KANGAROO [SINGING]:

I can't take this shit. Are you serious?

KANGAROO [SINGING]: Come and play KANGAROO & KIDS [SINGING]:

What do you say?

Douche-bag kangaroo.

What happened there? Are you all hopped out?

All right, I don't know how to deal with this. Hopefully Vanessa will.

I think she's back. If she's not back, we'll wait for her.

Jeez. Come on, get your coat. Clean up.

Oh, God. You don't have to pee, do you?

No. Do you swear?

I swear.

[♪♪♪]

How come you're not going?

Because I don't have to go. Only you and my grandfather go every 30 seconds.

Let's hurry it up, all right? I'm keeping you company.

Hi!

What's your name? He'll write it on the wall. Mind your business.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Why do I need to meet this lady?

Hey, now it is your problem. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

This is that lady I was telling you about.

She's gonna be a big part of your life from now on.

I'm scared. What if she's not nice?

Look.

See these right here? These are magic sunglasses, okay?

If you're afraid, you put them on, they make you invisible.

Really? Nobody can see me?

Put them on.

Julian? Julian! Hello, Julian?

Hey, Sonny, I'm right here.

Oh, the glasses. I couldn't see you.

Now, you keep those on and no one can notice you until you decide they can, okay?

Okay. All right, let's go.

[♪♪♪]

Julian? Julian? I'm still right here.

Oh, okay, all right, the glasses.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SONNY: Hey. Hi.

Welcome back.

Who's that? Who's who?

[WHISPERS] He's invisible.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Can I come in?

Sure.

Hey, any invisible people out here, feel free to come in, okay?

Sonny, I don't really know what's going on right now, but we should sit down and talk...

You know you said I got some thinking to do?

So I did it.

Just because I don't have a job doesn't mean I don't wanna move on to the next level.

And instead of just saying that to you, I figured I would show you.

Before you say anything else, I just want you to know...

Look at that. He took his sunglasses off.

He wants you to see him. That means he likes you.

Julian, come here.

Come here, pal.

Vanessa, I want you to meet Julian, my son.

Our son. I adopted him.

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

[CLATTERING]

Uh... Heh-heh.

Is somebody in the bathroom?

No.

Why is the door shut?

I don't know.

You don't? Mm-mm.

I don't know. VANESSA: Sonny.

I can't believe this.

Hey. Open up.

Sonny.

Hello. Open the door!

VANESSA: Sonny.

Is everything okay? Oh, my God.

Man, I'm sorry. I was freaking out there.

I'm Sonny. Sid.

Hey, Sid. I had an attack of paranoia. I thought you were sleeping with my girl.

I am.

What's that?

I am.

Sonny, that's what I was trying to tell you before. I found someone.

This old guy? Sid.

He's already achieved so much, and yet he's still goal-oriented and still focused.

And he has a five-year plan.

What is it? "Don't die"?

I can't believe this shit. We got a family now.

I thought this is what you wanted.

Sonny, you surprising me with a kid that you adopted while I was away wasn't what I said I wanted.

SONNY: I did this for you.

You wanted me to be more responsible.

I can't raise this kid alone.

You know, you remind me of my oldest grandson. You don't think things through.

Hey, Old Man River, zip it or I'll break your hip.

I'd like to see you try it. Shut up, Sid.

How could you misconstrue the situation so badly?

I don't know.

Come on. Deep down you must've known this day was gonna come.

Hey. You just made the biggest mistake of your life, baby.

I know you're gonna be missing me when you got that big, white, wrinkly body on top of you, with his loose skin and old balls.

Gross. Ugh.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[♪♪♪]

[JULIAN SINGING]

Excuse me. How you doing? I'm Kevin Gerrity.

Hey, I got an emergency problem with this kid here. Is Arthur Brooks around?

Yeah, I'll go get him for you.

Can you sit over there for a while? Stay where I can see you. I gotta talk to this guy.

Mr. Gerrity?

Hi. Arthur Brooks. How are you?

I need to speak with you.

I didn't tell you to come down to the office, did I?

Because I was gonna send you the final paperwork in the mail, man.

It's like the opposite of that.

Look, I can't manage this kid.

I ain't a good father. I made a big mistake.

Mistake? I had a mother lined up for him, but she's banging the Pepperidge Farm guy.

The kid just won't stop peeing and throwing up.

He's like a cocker spaniel. I just...

I think he'd be better off with his natural mother.

Well, she passed away last night, Mr. Gerrity.

She had cancer. She must have sensed that, like, her time was running short and that she wanted her son to be with the natural father. It makes sense.

Loop.

Pull.

Look, if you don't wanna take care of Julian, we'll take him. But I gotta tell you, man, he's gonna have to chill for a while in a group home.

Group home? What is that, like an orphanage?

Yeah. We don't call them that anymore.

JULIAN: Hey, hey!

[♪♪♪]

Look, I did it. Loop, swoop and pull.

Jeez, you did do it.

Congratulations, kid.

I showed him that.

Why don't you go back over there, okay?

BROOKS: I'll call the Heatherton Home...

No, why don't we do this?

Temporarily I'll hang on to the kid until you find him a new family.

Oh, I don't know, man. I mean, I gotta watch out for the best interest of the kid.

You said yourself you were a bogus dad.

He's better off with me than in an orphanage.

I don't wanna put him in a home any more than you do.

Why don't we pretend that you didn't even come in here today, okay?

And I'll give you a shout when I line up a family, all right?

That's good. Okay. Later.

Just don't make me regret this.

Where are we going now?

I gotta make a phone call. Just stay right here, all right?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

OPERATOR: This is a collect call from:

SONNY: Your baby boy.

OPERATOR: To accept charges, say, "Yes."

Yeah, I'll accept.

Hey, Dad, how's it going? How's Florida?

Not too bad. Your mother got a sunburn playing tennis yesterday.

I got some interesting news.

Oh, yeah? What?

Kind of adopted a kid.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about you being a grandfather. Congratulations.

Who the hell would give you a kid?

Social Services.

You idiot. You better give that kid back.

His mother's...

Hang on. Hang on.

Go play with them pigeons, buddy.

I tried to give him back. I just can't, Dad. All right?

Look, I need your help.

I'm in a bad way right now. Vanessa dumped me.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

You're damn right you don't know what the hell you're doing.

The kid is always around.

The past three days, he just never leaves me alone.

You would think he'd want some privacy, but he doesn't. I'm in deep shit.

Just give that kid back before you ruin both your lives.

Oh, I appreciate that, Dad.

He'd be better off living in a dumpster than living with you.

I'll be a better father than you!

That's impossible! Because all you care about is yourself!

Yeah? No, I care about you saving money on this phone call!

Let's eat.

[♪♪♪]

SONNY: The Vanessa thing did not work out.

She lost her damn mind. That wasn't your fault, though, okay?

JULIAN: Okay.

I know when you first got here you thought you were gonna meet your dad, but, pal, I gotta tell you, I don't think that's gonna happen.

Why? I don't know why.

But, buddy, real dads aren't always that great, you know.

I got a real dad and the guy's out of his mind.

He's been telling me what to do my whole life. He never lets me figure stuff out on my own.

A lot of dads are like that. That's why so many people grow up nuts.

Look at this guy over here.

He was probably a nice boy just like you.

Then his dad messed his mind up. Now look at him.

Hey, buddy. Who won the Jets game?

Who cares?

Let it go, pal. He can't control you anymore.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, you're a loser.

You're mad at your dad, not at me! I forgive you!

I am. I am. I hate my father.

See, I don't want it to be like that. I don't wanna control you, Julian.

You even like that name, Julian?

I guess.

You guess? Well, shouldn't you like your own name?

Why don't you pick your name? It's gonna be your name the rest of your life.

What do you want it to be?

Frankenstein.

Frankenstein? All right. I can deal with that. I'll call you Frankenstein.

What are you doing, Frankenstein? You gonna play in the puddle?

Well, go ahead. Puddle it up. From now on, you do whatever you wanna do.

And I'll show you some cool shit along the way.

That's what it's all about.

[GARBAGE'S "WHEN I GROW UP" PLAYING]

SONNY: Stay in front of it. Don't be scared.

Here we go. It's coming right at you.

Okay. All right.

You're kind of picking your head up, buddy. Don't do that.

Is this okay?

That's what you wanna wear?

That's okay with me then.

Good luck walking down the street, that's all I can say.

Way to block it. Now stay with it.

You're the next Willie Randolph. Remember that.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

There was this guy Chief Jay Strongbow who used to do a sleeper hold.

Put your arm under here.

Lift this arm, okay? Slide under and try to lock wrists, okay?

Lock wrists. You're gonna... Let me show you. Watch.

Throw him into the ropes and he comes back and boom!

Get him. Get him. Lock him up. Lock him up.

Lock wrists. Okay?

You bring him down slow. Slow.

Apply pressure.

And he's going to sleep right now.

See, he's out.

Nazo.

Wake up.

SONNY: You'll be the only kid your age with a slingshot, I promise.

Go have some fun. Shoot a few beer cans or something like that, all right?

You like that?

Sonny, Sonny, come here!

What is it? What's the matter?

Let me have that.

Go to your room. I think. Or do whatever you want.

It's gonna be fun. You nervous?

No? You're excited, aren't you?

Let's go. Up, up, up.

Okay. Here comes some candy.

Hey, how you doing?

Happy Halloween! We got a first-timer out here.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Do the right thing, buddy.

We want some candy!

Hang on right here for a second, all right? Don't move.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, CDs. You like that?

Yeah. He's not happy. What else you got?

Okay, yeah, that's good. Trick-or-treat.

Say, "Happy Halloween." Happy Halloween.

Thank you.

Next year, be prepared, moron.

What's with the kid wearing a cummerbund?

I let him wear whatever he wants to wear.

Those boots are the best. Whose are they?

I know, right? I think they're Kevin's.

I'll have a hot dog with the mustard and a knish.

Frankenstein, what do you want?

Thirty packets of ketchup.

All right. Thirty packets of ketchup.

Ow! Hey.

SONNY: Nice cut, pal.

SONNY: Frankenstein.

Do that thing I taught you the other day.

[HAWKS]

That's cool.

It took him like 20 minutes to learn that, man. He's quick. He's smart.

TOMMY: And he loves ketchup. Yeah, he does.

This is like a whole new school of child raising I'm doing.

You give the kid options instead of orders.

You know, let him make the right decision.

You're a pioneer. Thanks.

So you two just chill out together all day?

Basically. Went to the park yesterday.

Hung out on the monkey bars. The kid did eight chin-ups.

Eight? I can't even do one with these scrawny arms.

They're not scrawny. They're nice.

So, Julian, what do you wanna do tomorrow?

I wanna go to school.

Look at that. I don't force him, he makes the right decision. Way to go, kid.

We'll enroll you on Monday, all right? Let's just enjoy the weekend.

Do the thing again.

[HAWKS]

That one touched the ground. That one touched the ground.

That was awesome!

TOMMY: Good job.

[WISE GUYS' "OOH LA LA" PLAYING]

Help me! Help me! Hey, hey, shh.

Please help me.

I don't know where I live.

This isn't a big problem. We'll just, um...

We'll find your parents.

What's your name? Frankenstein.

Frankenstein. Okay. SONNY: There you are.

There you are. Are you okay, buddy?

I turned my head for one second and he disappeared.

Don't you ever do that to me again, okay? Don't do that.

Thank you so much for being sweet to my little boy here.

You're welcome, Sonny. Sonny?

I think my sister, Corinne, is engaged to your roommate.

Your sister's Corinne? That sucks.

Yeah, I'm up from D.C. I was at that party, the one where we wasted the good surprise on you.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

So, what, you have a son now?

I'm not really his dad. I'm more of a temporary father-figure type until Social Services can get another family for him.

At which point, you'll have to find a new way to initiate conversations with girls in the park.

Yeah, that's correct. Mm-hm.

Hey! Hey!

Good job, buddy!

He's peeing on his own.

Keep it flowing! That's it!

Go! Go!

So, um, does Corinne's sister have a name?

It's Layla. Layla?

Mm-hm. I like your song.

Could you do me a big favor?

Could you just hang out with me tonight?

I don't want the kid to think he's a failure because he couldn't get me a date.

I really can't. No?

No, I just have a ton of work to do.

I see. Hang on a second.

Come here.

[WHISPERING]

Layla, if you don't come over to Sonny's apartment tonight, there's a good chance that I'll develop a stutter.

P-P-P-Please don't do this to me.

That is so cheap. What?

[YVONNE ELLIMAN'S "IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU" PLAYING ON STEREO]

So I'm working in a tollbooth now.

I originally wanted to be a male model, but turns out I'm not very good-looking, so that didn't work out.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm all right. I'm recovering.

This is my favorite part of the song right here.

[SINGS]

Better keep it down low. The kid's gonna wake up.

JULIAN: Sonny!

Too late.

Okay. Just hang out a little bit, all right?

I'll be right back. Don't go sneaking out.

What are you doing? You forgot to say good night.

What do you mean? I did?

I can't go to sleep until you say good night.

I didn't know that. I'm sorry. Good night.

Go to sleep now, all right?

What'd we learn about girls today?

Initiating the conversation is half the battle.

Bingo. Now sleep, okay?

[SONNY SNORING]

[STYX'S "BABE" PLAYING ON STEREO]

I gave him NyQuil. He should be out for the night.

This is Styx. Yeah.

They've been my favorite band since I was like 12.

You're kidding me.

No, no, I can't help it. I just love them.

My friends make fun of me all the time.

My friends make fun of me all the time too.

I've seen them like 25 times.

Tommy Shaw, when I was 16 years old, I was at the concert, and he actually reached down, grabbed my hand, pulled me on stage.

I got to do the robot voice for "Mr. Roboto."

Really? No, I made that up. I'm sorry.

That would've been cool, right? Yeah.

But seriously though, my cousin's friends with their drummer, so when they come to town, we get to go out to dinner with them, and they tell us stories from the road, stuff like that.

Really? No, I made that up again too.

I'm sorry. Okay.

You're not attracted to, like, 60-year-old guys, are you?

No. Yeah, I don't like them either.

[MUSIC STOPS]

I can't sleep.

Okay.

He can't sleep.

So the rabbit ran across the street because he thought he saw some carrots.

But when he got across the street, it turned out they weren't carrots, they were peanuts.

Peanuts? Yeah.

The peanuts belonged to a squirrel who had taken them home from a baseball game.

Right. And then the rabbit thought to himself, "Carrots, peanuts, what's the difference?"

So he asked the squirrel if he could have some.

And the squirrel said, "Of course."

And the rabbit was very happy to make such a nice new friend.

And so was the squirrel.

And the rabbit thought that the squirrel had very pretty hair.

And nice eyes also.

And the squirrel thought the rabbit was really nice too.

And then, uh, the rabbit worked up his courage and asked the squirrel if he could have just the littlest squirrel kiss.

And the squirrel thought it's just not the right time in her busy squirrel life to be kissing any rabbits, even though this particular rabbit was very sweet.

And the rabbit got shut down, did he?

That's all right. But he was still thinking maybe Scuba Steve could get a squirrel kiss just, you know, so somebody's getting some action around here.

[♪♪♪]

Good night, Scuba Steve.

Good night, Frankenstein.

Good night, Sonny.

Good night, Layla.

[♪♪♪]

SONNY: Don't get caught under the bleachers with any girls.

It's your first day. Take it slow.

I'll meet you right after school at 2:30, right out front.

Okay? You're not staying?

No, I can't stay. I gotta go get you some more ketchup.

I don't like these kids.

I don't like these kids much either, but don't you think we should give them a chance?

No?

All right. How's this?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

TEACHER: Okay, everybody. Come on in.

Here are the magic sunglasses.

You put them on if you feel scared, okay?

Uh-oh! I lost you.

Julian, I don't know where you are, pal. I'm sorry.

Julian? Yo! Oh, there you go.

Come on, you go inside and make some friends.

Oh, yeah, that's a good hug.

All right. Go, go. Go inside. I'm gonna miss you.

Hi, I like your hat.

What's your name?

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

DAVID LEE ROTH: Might as well... SONNY: Leave a message!

[VAN HALEN'S "JUMP" PLAYING ON MESSAGE]

Might as well... Leave a message!

BROOKS: Mr. Gerrity, this is Arthur Brooks from Social Services.

I got good news.

I think we may have found a family for Julian.

Uh, why don't you give me a call back as soon as possible so we can set up a meeting? Bye.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Sierra Club Legal Department.

Can I speak to Layla Maloney?

Layla, line four.

Hello? You're a lawyer?

What are you doing, goofball?

Waiting for Julian to get out of school so I can have somebody to play with.

What are you doing? I'm swamped.

I even gotta do my laundry on my lunch hour.

I was gonna do my laundry today too. Where are you going?

There's a place nearby, Suds, on Bleecker.

Yeah, I know that place. Okay, well, maybe I'll see you there then.

Maybe. I gotta go.

[HARVEY DANGER'S "SAVE IT FOR LATER" PLAYING]

SONNY: So I bought tickets off the guy and the show was the night before.

LAYLA: Maybe it was a mistake.

That's really nice, Layla, but I don't think you know what's going down on the streets.

It's hard to know what's going down on the streets when you're in an office seven days a week, Mr. Tollbooth.

You're not gonna tell me to get a real job, are you?

No. You're a big boy.

I think it's cool you only work one day a week.

Oh, my God. These are the cutest things I've ever seen.

Yes, I know. I have them in yellow also. I wear them when I work out and stuff.

You know, Sonny, I think it's great what you're doing with Julian while you got him.

Yeah, well, I got him.

I was reading this article the other day that was saying the most important influences in a kid's life are his friends.

Really? They said that? Mm-hm.

You just better hope he's not hanging out with all those drug dealers and delinquents in school.

Sonny, I'm kidding.

I know. I know.

Man, this Yoo-Hoo is good. You know what else is good?

Smoking dope.

I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba.

Go by the seesaw, smoke a J. You know what I'm talking about?

I have a bellybutton.

You have a bellybutton? Well, we all have bellybuttons. You know what?

We all love Yoo-Hoo. Especially Yoo-Hoo with a little rum.

What's rum? You don't know what rum is?

Rumpelstiltskin?

Rumpelstiltskin.

Rumpelstiltskin's a good man. So are you guys.

Hey. Stay clean. Stay focused.

Stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

What are you doing scratching so much?

I have ecza...

Eczema? Gross.

How do I make it stop itching?

I don't know. You scratch it.

Hey! Spaghetti-O's. Do you like Spaghetti-O's?

Yeah?

Dented cans are half price.

Microsoft went down three points. We gotta save some money.

Here, give it a shot.

That's it, boy.

Put it in there. Feels good, huh?

Hi, Sonny. Hi, Sonny's friend.

His name's Frankenstein.

Hi, Frankenstein. Remember me?

Help me. I'm lost. I don't know where I am.

You don't gotta do that anymore.

Look at that. You guys wear the same size T-shirt. That's cool.

Mm-hm. What's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?

Did she say I was doing laundry with her?

Because where I come from, it's called doing the hibbity-dibbity.

Ow!

I got eczema.

Oh, well, then you shouldn't scratch it.

Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch.

SONNY: Scratch. Is that better?

Thank you. You're welcome.

I didn't know you knew anything about kids.

I thought you were a foot doctor.

It's not doctor stuff, stupid. It's common sense.

Scratching spreads rashes.

Oh, so this is something you learned at Hooters.

Mm-hm.

What the hell is he doing? He's shopping.

Microsoft went down three points.

That's real good. See you later, Frankenstein.

Hey, you stay away from the frozen-food section. Your boobs'll harden.

[SINGING "O SOLE MIO"]

Isn't Little Italy the greatest?

Yeah, I like it. Everyone's always telling me to hang out in the Village and SoHo.

Oh, that's all right.

But you gotta respect a place where the fatter you are, the cooler you are.

Last time I was here, that guy was with a different girl.

But I guess he ate her or something.

Hey, I went to Coney Island today with the little boy.

You gotta take a look at this.

We had a blast together.

Ohh.

He's so happy.

SONNY: He is such a good boy.

I tell you, if I have a kid of my own someday, I hope he's half as cool as that kid.

Is he picking your nose?

Yeah, he was picking his own all day, so I figured he could borrow mine. That's sweet.

He must be miserable without you right now.

No, he's in good hands.

Uh, you, sir...

Ooh, look at Brad's body. Not an ounce of fat on it.

What? Don't worry. I like yours better.

[MUTTERING]

Okay, I got two queens, two jacks and an ace.

I win. Why do you win?

I got a two, a four, a 10, an eight and a six.

I don't understand.

Why do you win? Because I win.

What's the name of that game? I win.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'll get it!

What's up? Hi, I'm looking for Kevin Gerrity.

Oh, he's in China. Who are you?

Arthur Brooks, New York City Social Services. I'm confused.

Chinatown. He loves those egg rolls.

Well, I've tried contacting him several times and he hasn't responded.

I'm concerned.

MIKE: Hey! Lx-nay on the ketchup-nay.

Have him call me. All right.

My body's definitely better than his.

Without question.

So it took you a long time to pencil me in, Layla. You work all the time.

I know. I'm really excited.

You're excited about that. How long you been this crazy?

I guess ever since I was a little girl.

See, my mom got married really young and pretty much just raised us kids.

So when my dad took off, she wasn't left with a lot of options.

And I think that's when I decided that I just never wanted to end up in that situation.

Now, that's actually a good reason to be working.

I guess I feel like I gotta kick ass while there's ass to be kicked.

Well, you kick that ass during the day, but at night you have fun with Sonny.

[SINGING] The best of times Are when I'm alone with you

Some rain, some shine

[STYX'S "THE BEST OF TIMES" PLAYING]

So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?

Yeah. Is that strange for you?

No. I mean, nothing changed, really.

They watch a different kind of porno now. But that's it.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Hello.

SONNY: My God! This is Corinne's place?

If the girls at Hooters could see her now.

Do you want your ass kicked? I'm just kidding around, Layla.

So, um...

I know you're afraid to get involved and I know you got a lot of work, but when I'm not with you, I'm thinking about you all the time. Do you have that going on at all?

Maybe.

Maybe we should try a kiss out. Just...

We owe it to ourselves to see if we should move to the next level, see if any sparks fly.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure either. It's just that you kissed Scuba Steve.

Ever since then, he's been strutting around the apartment bragging, "I got a kiss the first night. You've been with her three times, you got nothing."

Oh, he said that? Come on.

Let's just give it a shot just so I can have some dignity at home.

All right?

Okay.

CORINNE: Oh, my God!

Gross!

Did I just witness the first kiss?

Yeah, you did, Corinne. Thanks a lot for showing up.

Aww, Layla, you didn't actually enjoy that, did you?

I don't know. I'm going upstairs.

Wash your mouth out. He's dirty.

And he's poor.

Hey, what do you got in the bag, Corinne? Some chicken wings? Booby tassels?

Shut up.

You have a good sleep tonight there, Corinne.

Pleasant Hooters.

[♪♪♪]

Come on, come on! Okay.

This is where we hang our jackets.

This is my hook. Good one.

And that's a capertillar.

A caterpillar.

That's right, a capertillar. Capertillar, all right.

Hey. Staying clean, pal? Yes.

That's right. You drink the booze, you lose. Remember that, punk.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Julian's teacher, Ms. Foote. You his father?

Yeah, how you doing? I'm Kevin Gerrity.

I wonder if you'd give me a few minutes to go over a couple of things that have been bothering me.

Sure.

Go take a walk, pal.

Uh, Julian has been displaying some odd behavior.

Last week he spilled a tube of glue on the floor and didn't tell anybody.

He just covered it with newspaper. Uh-huh.

And then one of our students wore Rollerblades for show-and-tell.

Yeah? And Julian tripped him with a stick.

I've never...

Julian found it hilarious.

I like him to feel like he can express himself freely.

I've really never seen any problems with that.

Eww!

Your boy's making the least progress of any of the children in the class.

And frankly, his personal hygiene is becoming a cause for concern.

He's the smelly kid in class? I let him become the smelly kid in class?

What the hell's the matter with me?

Oh, yes. I've had some smelly ones before.

But your son is by far the smelliest.

All right, I got you, ma'am. Take it easy. What do you think I should do?

Well, you might start by paying more attention to his schoolwork.

Okay.

The class is giving a presentation of the Founding Fathers in two weeks.

And Julian has drawn the part of Benjamin Franklin, a very important role.

You should do what you can to help.

All right, all right. I will turn this all around. That's a promise.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Stinky, let's get going. You got us in trouble.

Did he call him "Stinky"?

Wow, I didn't know this about George Washington.

Yes, his teeth were made of wool.

Wood.

Oh. I sorry. I mix up "D" and "L."

Well, get it right.

Why don't you turn that game off, pal?

I got four guys left.

Come on. Let's study a little bit.

I don't wanna study.

Give me that.

You just killed me. So what? Relax. You'll play later.

You can't tell me what to do.

Really? How about we take a vote?

Who thinks the kid should start studying?

Who doesn't? Well, you just lost, two to one.

No, it's a tie. That guy doesn't count. He can't even read.

I know, I know, I know. He was just joking around.

Listen, can you hang out here a little bit? I gotta go do something.

No problem.

["KANGAROO SONG" PLAYING ON TV]

KANGAROO [SINGING]: Would you like KANGAROO & JULIAN [SINGING]:

We'll hop, hop, hop, hop What do you say?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Get the door.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Julian. How you doing?

I'm Scuba Sam.

Scuba Steve's father.

You see, my boy needs to take a bath.

The only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone.

So I was wondering if maybe you could keep him company in the tub.

Terrific. And after the bath, you have to try and study hard.

Because if you wanna be a member of the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.

I could be in the Scuba Squad?

Well, sure. All you have to do is work hard.

And don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad, because then everybody's gonna wanna join.

And one more thing, be nice to the delivery guy, would you?

It's not his fault he can't read.

Take care.

[♪♪♪]

SONNY: Yeah, yeah. He told me to watch his boat for him.

Said that he wanted to talk to you about some secret mission or something.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Okay.

How come I have to wear a bathing suit?

I don't know. I don't know the rules with little kids and grownups and being naked and just sit down.

The good news is you're starting not to smell like a foot anymore.

Hey, I read something interesting today.

You know that Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals? That's pretty cool, huh?

What are they?

I'll show you in that book I'm reading.

There's a lot of cool stuff in there. It might help you out with your school play.

Okay. We'll make this a regular thing.

Bathing and studying and eating right.

Put your head back. This is what my grandmother used to do to me.

"Oh, boy. When I was a little girl, frankfurters only cost a nickel."

Can you still have fun?

Yeah, we can have fun. But after you study.

In fact, we gotta get you dressing differently.

After you get out, we'll go to Barney's.

Barney?

Not that Barney. A different Barney. A more expensive Barney.

[BIG AUDIO DYNAMITE'S "RUSH" PLAYING]

All right, one at a time.

That's one.

Two.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

SONNY: See? Urinals are good too.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

"Electricity."

Very good.

"Constitution."

That's it.

"Philadelphia."

Smart. Good.

"Fish"?

Yeah.

"Pony"? Yes.

"Hip..."

"Hiphop..."

"Hipopynonamous"?

Damn you! You gave him the easy ones!

MAN: Thanks! You're welcome.

Slow down.

You owe me a Sausage McMuffin. SONNY: Okay.

[SCREAMS]

Whoa.

There's a pole there.

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

[PIANO PLAYING]

My name is Alexander Hamilton.

I was the first Secretary of the Treasury.

I owned a bank and a newspaper.

Aaron Bird shot me.

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Hi, my name is Benjamin Franklin.

I was a writer, a diplomat, an inventor and a statesman, although I only went to school for two years.

I wrote many books and invented many things we still use today.

All right.

The Declaration of Independence is finished.

Who will be the first to sign?

How about you, John Hancock? KIDS: I want to sign!

[KIDS CLAMORING]

Look at my man stand strong. He's so cute.

[♪♪♪]

DELIVERY GUY: What are your cards?

I got a six, a five, a jack, a four and a eight.

I win.

What do you mean, you win? I had a hand just like that before. I didn't win.

Because I win. This is bullshit!

All right. Take it easy, man.

Every time it's different cards. He still wins.

So what? Relax. He's a kid.

There should be same set of rules for everyone, no matter what age.

He's gotta learn how to lose too.

Hello, Mr. Koufax. Hey, Mr. Brooks, how you doing?

I was gonna give you a buzz.

You just called me Mr. Koufax though, didn't you?

It is your name, isn't it? Sonny Koufax?

You fraudulently held yourself out to be Kevin Gerrity to gain custody of young Julian over there.

Big problem in this state, Sonny. Well...

I've delivered to you before.

You always order three pieces of cheesecake.

The real Kevin Gerrity called me up, he asked me to take care of...

Save it, Mr. Koufax.

The kid has to come with me now or I'll have you arrested.

Take out your handcuffs then.

I don't have any handcuffs, but two policemen downstairs do.

Listen, Sonny, I would like to help, but my status in your country is not what you would call legal.

It's okay.

I'm Audi.

Julian, you're gonna have to come with me.

Hey, hey, hey. Just give me...

Sonny. One second, pal.

Would you just please give me a second to say goodbye to the kid?

Take a second.

[♪♪♪]

You don't want me here anymore?

No, that's not it, pal.

You just gotta go away for a little while.

How long am I going away for?

I don't wanna lie to you.

I don't think we're gonna be seeing each other anymore.

I screwed up, pal. I'm so sorry.

Come here.

Put your coat on.

It's not your fault, okay? I'm the idiot.

I don't wanna go. I know you don't.

I know, but you have to, and you're gonna be okay, all right?

Please don't make me go.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do.

I won't play the kangaroo song anymore.

Come on.

Just go. You gotta go.

You gotta go.

JULIAN: I don't wanna go. I promise, I'm sorry. I don't even like that song anymore.

I know, pal. That's not it.

But I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass!

I know.

Layla, they took the kid. Who?

Social Services. I gotta get him back.

What do you mean? You said this was just temporary.

I know, I know. I can't have it be temporary. It's gotta be permanent.

Okay, what can we do?

Well, I filed a brief to get custody based on the best interests of the child.

And Tommy knew one of the clerks, so they fast-tracked the hearing. It's Tuesday. You gotta be there.

This Tuesday? What, you got work?

I gotta go to Washington. There's a hearing to dismiss my case.

Well, can you get somebody else to do it?

I'm sorry, Sonny. I can't. It's my case.

What about Julian's case? We don't even know where this kid's gonna end up.

Sonny, this is exactly why I didn't wanna get involved.

I had things going just the way I wanted.

And then I'm sitting at the park, and you and this kid just come barging into my life, and it's screwing up everything I had planned.

A kid showed up on my doorstep. You think I planned on that?

But I fell in love with him.

So now my plans have changed.

[SHERYL CROW'S "SWEET CHILD O' MINE" PLAYING]


BAILIFF: All rise.

JUDGE: Good morning.

We're here to determine proper custody of Julian McGrath, also known as Julian Gerrity, a minor child.

Representing the city of New York?

Ted Castellucci.

Arthur Brooks, Social Services.

And representing Sonny Koufax?

Phillip D'Amato.

Thomas Grayton.

Plus, I'll pretty much be representing myself, Your Honor.

Anyone else?

Layla Maloney, Your Honor.

Thank you.

Does this mean that you love me, Layla?

Something like that.

JUDGE: First witness.

Koufax is a good egg. He was nice to that kid.

But he fights like a girl. You like that?

I'm right here, miss.

What are you gonna do about it?

[LAUGHING]

What, are you drunk, Mr. Herlihy?

Well, I had a few chardonnays. What of it?

Get off the stand, please.

You got it.

I've got a few problems.

Off to a good start.

Mr. Koufax is a really cool guy. I wish my dad was as cool as him.

You see, my dad was a military man.

Guess I wasn't such a "good soldier."

When I was 35 years old, he attempted to give me a crew cut while I was sleeping one afternoon.

I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since.

I'd rather live out on the streets than under his freaky-ass rules.

Ah, anyway, I think Mr. Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges.

If O.J. Can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid?

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

[CROWD CHUCKLING]

No more questions.

No more questions...

And how long have you been delivering food to Mr. Koufax?

I deliver food for six years.

Plus, I'm stripper. But I've put on weight so it's problem.

I see. And in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian?

Oh, yes. They make terrific pair.

They went together like lamb and tuna fish.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Lamb and tuna fish?

Maybe like spaghetti and meatball?

You more comfortable with that analogy?

HOMELESS GUY: Yes, considering we're in America.

I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out?

I'll come down there and give you a crew cut.

Let's see your clippers.

Not my problem your father was sick.

Stop yelling at me!

[HOMELESS GUY SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

Order! Order! Order!

Excuse me. Am I in the right room?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Mr. Koufax's co-counsel.

He has enough co-counsels.

Well... one more wouldn't hurt.

Let's get on with it. Next witness.

Your Honor, Mr. Koufax is simply parading his buddies up there.

Can't they find someone who isn't a friend?

PHIL: And what were Julian and Mr. Koufax doing when you saw them?

Shopping.

And did Mr. Koufax appear to be an attentive and loving father?

He certainly did.

And how long have you disliked Mr. Koufax?

Since the day I met him.

And for the record, where did you work while you attended medical school?

Hooters.

No further questions.

Asshole.

Next witness.

Your Honor, we'd like to call Julian McGrath.

[♪♪♪]

If it's okay with you, Julian, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

This is just you and me talking, so don't even pay attention to all these people, okay?

Can you tell me how old you are?

Your Honor, one second.

[WHISPERS]

That's better, huh?

Now can you tell me how old you are?

Five.

And what's your birthday?

July 15th.

Do you know where you were born?

Toronto.

Toronto? I thought you were from Buffalo.

I moved to Buffalo with my mommy.

LAYLA: And for the past six weeks, you've been living with Sonny, right?

Yes.

Did you and Sonny have fun together?

Yes.

What kind of things would you do with Sonny?

He taught me how to do the sleeper hold like Chief Jay Strongbow.

LAYLA: That's nice.

Anything else?

He taught me how to pee on a building.

LAYLA: Really?

And he taught me that Styx was one of the greatest American rock bands.

And they only caught a bad rap because most critics are cynical assholes.

[CROWD CHUCKLING]

Well, I think we'd all agree with that.

Now, before you came to Sonny's apartment, do you remember the last thing your mommy said to you was?

That she loved me and I was gonna live with my new daddy.

And if your mother could pick anyone in the world to be your new daddy, who do you think she'd pick?

Sonny.

LAYLA: Thank you, Julian.

You can step down now.

[♪♪♪]

That went good though, don't you think?

I don't know. Judge doesn't look too happy.

Mr. Koufax, anyone else?

I'd like to call upon myself, Your Honor.

Awesome.

And which of your esteemed co-counsels will be examining you?

My father, Lenny Koufax.

What?

Forget it, Sonny.

What is going on?

Your Honor, there is nobody in this world who thinks I shouldn't have a child more than that man back there.

He also happens to be one of the most respected lawyers in all of Florida.

So I figure if I can make a believer out of him, I can make a believer out of everybody in this court.

Objection, Your Honor.

This court is after the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.

You want my opinion? My son is a moron.

I withdraw my objection. Please proceed.

Mr. Koufax.

This is a big mistake, Sonny.

The only reason I came today is to make sure you didn't end up in jail for this.

Well, then that was nice of you. Thank you.

To do what I think is right here. Okay.

After this is over, get your fingernails cut. They're too long.

Okay, Dad.

MR. KOUFAX: Your Honor, this case is simple.

It is absurd to think that Sonny Koufax is ready to raise a child.

Objection! Shut up, Tommy.

Sorry, Mr. Koufax.

First of all, how did this sweet little boy, Julian, end up under your supervision?

I told Social Services that my name was Kevin Gerrity.

Of course, you are not Kevin Gerrity. No.

So you lied. Yes.

MR. KOUFAX: Like the time I found a bag of pot in your underwear drawer and you told me that you thought they were pencil shavings.

Yeah.

And remember when I called you up and told you that your Aunt Fay was coming to New York, and I wanted you to take her around, show her the city?

And you said that you had better things to do, didn't you?

That's right.

Now, I'm curious. Just what were those better things that you had to do?

Jethro Tull had a reunion concert in New Jersey, so I caught that.

MR. KOUFAX: Uh-huh.

And what happened to your Aunt Fay that weekend?

She died.

Yes, she did.

By any chance, did you happen to make it to her funeral?

No.

Why not? I went to Jones Beach, got drunk and fell asleep.

Hell, yes!

Some role model.

Yeah.

Your Honor, my son doesn't have health insurance.

He doesn't know how to boil an egg.

He filed for social security at the age of 30.

He is a drain on the economy, on the country, and most of all, on me!

Your Honor, to give this young man custody over another life is not only wrong, it's insane.

[♪♪♪]

Hey. I love you.

What? You don't have to be scared.

It's all right.

What are you talking about? I'm not scared.

If I get custody of Julian, I'll be his father forever.

And that scares you because you think there's a good chance I might fail.

Sonny, it's more than a chance. It's a certainty.

You're wrong, Dad.

You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood or I might break my legs skiing.

But don't be scared about me being a dad, because I will not fail at that. I can't.

I love this kid too much.

I love him as much as you love me, Dad.

And I'm gonna give him advice and I'm gonna guide him and I'm gonna be there for him whenever he needs me.

I'll fly to New York to be at his court case even if I disagree with why he's there in the first place.

But, Sonny, you work in a tollbooth.

Don't be scared about me making money.

I am in love with a beautiful girl who makes plenty of it.

She'll be my sugar mama.

Oh, I gotta get me one of those.

I know this is the right thing to do, Dad, because I would die for this kid just so he wouldn't have to feel one ounce of sadness.

That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me, to be a good father.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna be.

[♪♪♪]

Hello, Dad?

Yeah, I just wanted to say I love you.

Hi, Mom? Could you put Dad on the phone for a second?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Can I borrow that when you're done?

Your Honor, my son deserves this kid.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[GAVEL BANGING]

I love you too, sir.

JUDGE: Mr. Koufax, the fact is you kidnapped this child.

Not only shouldn't you get custody, but since you obtained the child by defrauding the state of New York, you should be in jail.

Bailiff, please remand him until I can figure out the punishment.

Your Honor, I think...

Wait. You can't take him away.

As that boy's father, I refuse to press charges.

[CROWD GASPS]

Oh, God. Corinne, I'm sorry.

Six years ago, Joe Carter...

Joe Carter?

Toronto and the Phillies. You know, World Series.

Mitch Williams just... We flew up for the night.

There was a girl.

Oh, God.

I'm an idiot. I was so hammered.

Chicken wings and Molson 3-0.

You know Canadian beer is like moonshine.

Hell, yes.

Sonny, you remember, right? It was at that Toronto Hooters.

Oh, yeah.

That was before he met you though, Corinne.

That Hooters thing, that's a coincidence.

I'm sorry, Corinne.

I know this changes everything, but I had to do the right thing.

Mr. Castellucci.

I, uh...

Pending a blood test, I...

Whatever.

Then the court grants custody to Kevin Gerrity, pending the results of a DNA test.

No!

[♪♪♪]

I want you to be my dad, Sonny.

I know. I do too, pal.

But I'm not sure that can happen exactly the way we want it.

Because it seems you already have a daddy.

But I'll tell you what I can do.

I can be your friend, no matter what. All right?

I'll always be your friend.

I'll always be your family. I'll always be around.

I promise.

SONNY: The kid's pretty good at tying his shoes.

He's not great at it though, so you gotta work with him.

KEVIN: Maybe I'll teach him the bunny ears thing.

SONNY: What's the bunny ears thing?

You make the bunny ears, and then you cross and pull them through.

I go with this loop, swoop and pull thing. He likes that.

I don't know that one. The bunny...

Go with the loop, swoop and pull thing.

I swear to God it's working.

All right.

You know what? Go with the bunny ears thing. You're his dad, right? I'm sorry.

It's important, when you eat at my restaurant, you never order BLT.

You must trust me. Stay away from BLT, okay?

Hey, guys.

I'm gonna leave you with your dad now, Julian.

He's a good man right here. I've known him my whole life.

So you two have fun and I'll see you in the morning for breakfast.

All right?

Quit scaring the kid for a minute.

Who am I scaring?

Bye, pal.

Hey, Julian. Um...

I just got back from China. Do you know where that is?

It's in Asia, which is by Europe.

Uh, I brought some cool stuff back.

Aah!

Did you move the bench?

That's pretty funny, huh?

You know what I got? I got some noisemakers. Check this out.

Wanna try one?

Ah, that's my foot!

[BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S "GROWIN' UP" PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

You're nice man.

Listen, at my place I've got Spice Channel. It's blurry but it's nice.

Let's make this quick though, okay? I wanna get back to work.

Holy shit. Sonny Koufax would rather work than eat.

Well, I'm working on a big case. I gotta sue you assholes for making me come here.

[LAUGHING]

ALL: Surprise!

[ALL CHEERING]

Did you just waste the good surprise on me again?

Hi, Corinne.

Happy birthday. Thanks, everybody.

Hey, you guys. How are you?

Happy birthday, Daddy.

How you doing, cutie?

Sonny, I beat you so bad in basketball yesterday.

Well, then I guess from now on, I have to stop letting you win.

I stopped letting him win six months ago. He's still beating me.

That's because you suck.

Hey, Corinne, why don't you put a tank top on for old time's sake? Come on.

What is he talking about, Mommy?

Nothing.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Happy birthday, Sonny. Hey, hey, hey. Thank you.

I got you a clock radio.

Clock radio? Thanks for telling me.

I have to split. I got more deliveries.

Come on, hang out with us. We're gonna have fun.

No, no, no, I can't stay. I'll hang for a little bit.

There you go. Come on, let's eat, everybody.

Sonny! Hey, you!

Still missing that tooth, huh?

Hey, can we get some curly fries?

Vanessa. Hi, Sonny.

You're a Hooters girl?

What happened to Sid's five-year plan?

How you doing?

Maybe it's a 10-year plan.

Is that the guy with the old balls?

Yeah. I think it is.

Hey, come on. I bet they're nice.

Aww.

Okay, well, I don't think you're supposed to say "balls." Testicles. Okay?

[SHAWN MULLINS' "WHAT IS LIFE" PLAYING]

["WHAT IS LIFE" PLAYING]


[GUNS N' ROSES' "SWEET CHILD O' MINE" PLAYING]