Big Momma's House (2000) Script

300MB UNiTED TEAM - sunmenghao


Ready?

FBl.

Throw that piece of shit in there. No, wait.

Sit down and shut up, you old fool.

Ten thousand.

On... bug-eye boy. What?!

Big balls, huh? Big cojones, huh?

I'll take that bet. Ready? And fight!


Y'all never heard of Soul, Korea?

FBl! Everybody freeze. Don't move.

John! A little help down here, please?

No doubt. Are you all right?

I'm just takin' a bath with Old Yeller down here.

Could you open the cage? I'm a married man. I'm not used to this much attention.

Satellite TV and a six-pack do not a full life make.

You gotta understand. I'm not like you.

On the street, I gotta keep it simple.

You know what I mean? I can't have a family and home out there distracting me.

That's funny. I couldn't be out there without it.

OK. We've got a live one, people. Conference room in five.

Oh, Malcolm. Didn't recognize you with the make-up off. Got the Michaels file?

Got it. Good. Bring it here.

I'm just sayin', on the street I can't have no distractions. I gotta be ready for anything.

Nice. You too grown for this shit, man.

A prison escape leaves one man dead.

Lester Vesco, serving a life sentence for murder, has escaped from a federal penitentiary.

He is seen here on security cameras robbing the Century Union Bank.

Vesco is extremely dangerous. Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

You know, how would you like to go on a little vacation?

I don't know. We've never been on one. How fast can you get ready?

Ready.

Well, you look ready to me.

Grab your medicine.

Got your seat belt on?

Yup. Let's roll.

Lester Vesco. Not a nice man, people.

Two years ago, he robbed a bank, popped a guard and the bank manager and walked out with two million in cash and bearer bonds.

We got him, but the money was never recovered.

Twelve hours ago, he killed a prison doctor and drove out the front gate in the man's Volvo. Very creative.

What about the girl from the robbery? Lester's girlfriend. Sherry Pierce.

Never convicted. Worked in the bank.

So she gives him access to the vault, cries on the stand and walks away with two million large.

Exactly. But we never proved it.

She's pretty smart. Keeps a low profile, works two shit jobs.

Now it looks like she's in the wind.

So we find her, we find Lester, we find the money.

What about this stepbrother in Oakland? You and Gallagher take it.

Get some warrants. Set up a surveillance. Great. Malcolm and I can stay here and hit the phones.

No, no, I've got something special planned for you two.

Sherry's got a long-lost grandmother in Cartersville, Georgia.

And who knows, Malcolm? Maybe you'll find an Armani outlet - by the Piggly Wiggly.

That's all, people.


There's Big Momma. What a classic scene.

Genteel old lady, pruning her roses.

Lord, I done told Sadie about this dog.

Let me catch you here again and I'll barbecue some hot dog!

Got it. You know what, man?

Erskine and Stoner probably caught that girl Sherry two days ago.

They just wanted us to sit here pickin' ticks off our asses.

Nobody's tried to kill you for days. The stress must be overwhelming.

I'm just here to catch a bad guy. If it goes down hard, so be it.

If we could get in to plant the surveillance equipment, we wouldn't be stuck here.

Hey, what do we have here?

Must be one of those Southern traditions. Exchanging baked goods in the street.

Nah, you bring them over. That's how you meet the new neighbors.

Oh, man.

Where are you going? While she's out, I'll set the surveillance.

Stall 'em.

Stall them? Trust me.

Malcolm! Four and a half minutes.

Well, how-dee, ladies. Hello, neighbor.

Welcome to Maple Drive. We hope you will come to love...

Oh, shut up and give the man your dry old Bundt cake so I can go home.

You'll have to excuse Hattie Mae. Her stomach's not feelin' too good.

I'm Miss Patterson and this is Miss Other Patterson.

We call her that because she's from a whole different set of Pattersons.

My name's John. John what?

Patterson! Isn't that a weird coincidence? Yes, it is.

Maybe we're all related.

I used to be married, but not any more.

Oh, Lord. Is she with Jesus?

No. Actually, Jesus, I think, is how he pronounces it.

He was the gardener.

I caught him spreadin' fertilizer in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.

'Scuse me, honey. Here's your corn bread. I got to go.

No, you can't! Ladies, it was really a pleasure.

Wait. You can't leave.

Where's this great Southern hospitality I've heard about, Hattie Mae? lf I can call you that.

I was hoping we could sit in the front porch and shuck corn, shoot squirrels...

Boy, you ain't right. Did somebody hook you up to a jumper cable?

When I say I got to go, move - I got to go.

Wait!

I'm not crazy, just a little lonely. We could spend some quality time together.

Say, you know what I do when I have an upset stomach?

I jog. Yes! Come on!

It's good when you got the runs. Come on, me and you around the block.

Listen, either I can go around you, or I can go through you. Whichever you decide.

Fine.

Shit!

You cannot go in there. You're sayin' I can't go in my own house?

No, I'm telling you, you cannot go in there without giving me a big Southern welcome.

That's it. A little sugar on it.

If you want a second helping, let me know.

Cos I got two knees! No, I'm good. God bless ya.

Cos I got to go. Yeah. Thanks for the corn bread.

Jesus, let me just make it to the bathroom before I lose my bowels all over myself.

Jesus.

Will I make it?

Have mercy, Lord.

Those stewed prunes!

They just goin' right straight through me.


I done seen a lot of scary shit in my day, but damn - that was a lotta ass.

I think I need a splint or somethin'.

Just... I'll be all right.


"Dr Green. Wilshire Pediatrics."

Here we go.

God.

Miss it. Miss it.

Think you can throw me off my shit?

I'm in the zone.

100 dollars. Come on.

That shit don't count. What do you mean?

You were in my grill. 100 bucks, man.

Who could be callin' her at this time of night?

Trussy! How ya do...

Oh, Lord. William's in the hospital again?

I'll be there. I'm prepared. I can stay a week or two weeks...

She's leavin', man. Now's our chance to tap the phones. Come on.

Driver, please get me to the bus station. Yes, ma'am.

I gotta go and help my friend out for a couple of weeks.

Over here.

Jesus!

Back up off me.

Sorry. Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.

Go on, leave me a little message. As soon as I get back, I'll give you a shout. God bless.

Big Momma? It's Sherry.

Surprised, huh?

Listen, I was taking a little vacation and I was headed in your direction, and I thought maybe I'd stop in and check on you since I haven't seen you in a while.

But it looks like you're not home, so I'll see you on the next trip.

No!

We lost her. No! Look...

And, Big Momma, I just want you to know...

I know it’s been a long time since we've talked, but...

I really do love you and miss you very much.

Praise the Lord.

It's my baby Sherry!

Big Momma, you're there!

Hi!

Yes, I'm here, honey child, lamb chop, sugar foot.

Hang up.

I know things haven't been so great between us these past couple of years, and I just want you to know that your place is the only place that's ever really felt like home for me.

And I can't wait to see you and I love you very much.

Well, I'm...

I'm glad it felt like a home to you, Sherry.

You hurry home, then. All right?

And I'm gonna make sure that I lock you up so you don't get away from me ever again.

Bye, Big Momma. OK, Sherry. Bye-bye.

What the hell did you just do? Kept us in play.

If Big Momma's not here, she'll leave, and then we have no case.

Don't worry.

Big Momma'll be here.


Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.

Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.

Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.


All right, Trent. Mind your manners. No back talk.

And remember... Look at me.

And remember that our business is our business.

They're here. Now here's the earpiece.

If anybody asks, tell them it's your new hearing aid.

How do I look?

If I were an 85-year-old man with cataracts and a bad hip, I'd take a run at you. Man, shut up.

Big Momma? We're here.

Lord!

Look what the wind done blew my... Hi.

Damn, you fine...

Sherry, you changed.

Me? Look at you, Big Momma! I hardly recognize you.

Child, that's only make-up.

Now come on over here and give your Big Momma a great big hug.

It's so good to see you, Big Momma.

I thought you'd forgotten all about me. Hush your mouth, child.

Big Momma could never forget that ass. What?!

Ma. Asthma.

Remember you had asthma?

I remember it like it was yesterday.

You used to puff and wheeze somethin' wicked.

I said "Sherry, are you all right?" You said...

Oh, damn. Big Momma gettin' light-headed.

Wait a second. Maybe we should take you upstairs.

Bless your little asthmatic heart.

Who's he? Oh, Big Momma. That's Trent, my son.

You haven't seen him since he was a baby.

Oh, yeah. Trent!

Hi, Trent.

Say hi. I should've known just by lookin' at him.

Look at that nappy little grapefruit head.

You know, it runs in the family. Grapefruit heads.

Your granddaddy had a big-ass head.

The hotel out by the freeway had a pool.

Sweetheart... He's a quick little one, isn't he?

Yeah. They grow up so fast, what with the color television an' all.

But he'll come to find Big Momma pretty quick herself.

I'm starving. Are y'all hungry?

Actually, we are pretty hungry. Come on in. I'm here to take care of y'all.

Come on, Sherry. Come on in.

Sherry, let me get this bag for you. Oh, no, Big Momma. I got it.

You can take mine.

You are somethin'. Isn't he?

You're gonna love Big Momma's cooking.

Think it's gonna be windy today. There's a draught.

There we go.

See, Sherry, I like to make sure that my food is properly lubricated.

It goes down easier that way.

Oh, my God. He's gonna kill her. This guy can't even make toast.

Let's see what's in there to cook now.

We got some pork chops, turkey necks...

Child, you like these?

One for me...

Well, I'm probably not gonna eat them, but you can have mine. All right, Sherry?

Now, Sherry, sit back, watch and learn.

Malcolm, I don't know how to tell you this... but your face is falling off!

Big Momma? Are you OK?

Where's that pot? I'm gonna go and start setting the table.

Yeah, you do that, Sherry. Where's that pot?

Malcolm!

What are you doin' over there?

What are you doin'? Take it easy!

Big Momma, I think you just had a Peeping Tom.

That's all right, child. I get them all the time.

You do your housework in the nude and it tends to attract the wrong element.

Nothin' like a little excitement to get the blood goin'.

While I fix dinner, tell me what brings you to Big Momma's house after all these years.

Well, we were just on a little vacation.

Middle of the night seems a funny time to go on vacation.

I thought you might have been in trouble.

How did you know we left at night? I didn't.

No, no.

Big Momma, are you OK? Oh, yeah.

Ain't nothin' but some scaldin' pork grease.

Here. Let's dry you off. So what about it, child?

You in trouble? Is there something you wanna tell Big Momma?

Big Momma, is that duct tape on your face?

Oh, dear! The duct tape.

I guess you're wonderin' why I got the duct tape.

It's a beauty secret. Really?

Yes. You never used duct tape to get rid of them unsightly hairs?

No. It works particularly well on the bikini area.

Really? No doubt, girl.

The pork chops are on fire.

Big Momma, here!

Who's ready to eat?

We could always run down to Ring-A-Ding Burger.

Get him a Smiley Meal.

Oh, no, Big Momma. This...

This looks great.

Well, then, eat up. Take you a big old forkful.

Watch it. The plate's hot now.

I hope I didn’t put too much seasoning salt.

Would you like me to get that for you? No. I got it, Sherry.

Who could it be at this time of night?

Just a second!

I wonder who this could be, surprisin' me this time of evening.

I say, I wonder who could be at my door so late at night.

There's my sugar.

You'd better put that nasty-ass tongue back in your mouth before I rip it out.

Yes, ma'am. My mouth is closed.

But these hands is open for business.

Big Momma, who was it?

Oh, that's just a Bible salesman.

Sherry, let's go back and finish supper. You can run, but you can't hide.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ben Rawley's the name.

Pleased to meet you. Sherry.

Big Momma, you didn't say you had a man. Child, I ain't got no man.

Why, she got every man in town sniffin' round like dogs.

I do? Do I smell some greens?

Yeah, come on in. There's plenty. Oh, no!

Now, Ben, you know you can't eat no greens.

Greens give you gas somethin' wicked.

Last time I had Ben over for greens, I had to re-wallpaper.

Ben, let me show you to your car. Wait a minute!

You look different.

Different? You know, I said the same thing.

That face and those eyes. You've changed.

Changed? Yes, ma'am.

You're gettin' younger every day.

Sherry, say good night to Mr. Rawley.

Good night. Nice to meet you.

Take it easy, Hattie.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Comin' up here, tryin' to put your nasty-ass lips on me. I am not street booty.

I will not be treated like street poontang!

Ben, if you wanna get with me...

I mean... you will never get with me! Understand?

And even if I was interested, which I definitely am not, you be goin' about it the wrong way.

How am I supposed to go about it? You don't come in a woman's house and lead with your shaboink-boink!

Women don't respond to that.

I should've bought you somethin'. Like a corsage.

This ain't no damn prom.

Ben, you gotta bring a woman somethin' special.

Somethin' that means it's from your heart.

Come on. You's a OG, aren't you?

You's a fake one, but you's probably a OG, huh?

All right, well, get it together.

Thanks, Hattie, baby. Good. Get your ass outta here.

Oh, and that seersucker suit?


Sherry made a call today. Who was it?

A Dr Green in Los Angeles. A refill on the kid's allergy prescription.

She's done nothing to try and contact Lester.

Well, she will. And when she does, we'll be there to catch her. That's right.

Superfly!

You know?

You wanna give me those, or have you grown too attached to 'em?

"Prescription called in for Trent Pierce."

"Hafarth's Pharmacy, Cartersville, Georgia."

I know what you're up to.

You think you're nickel slick, but I got your penny change.

What you talkin'? I'm just takin' in a little air.

You can't fool an old fool. Sadie's got it all figured out.

Look, you old bat, this is a federal...

The man ain't been here for two days and you all over him.

Oh! You think me and the white... No, I don't get down like that.

Are you drinkin' that corn liquor? Are you sippin' on the yak?

Maybe I have. But somethin's goin' on.

I got my eye on you two.

What a day. What a damn day.

Big Momma, someone's here to see you. They say it's an emergency.

Emergency? What kind of emergency?

Your...

Oh, that.

Child, when you get to be my age, they're like yard dogs.

If you don't put 'em on a leash, they'll just roam all over the neighborhood.

Big Momma, you gotta come out here quick. What you talkin'?

Big Momma, it's time. Time for what?

Ritha's gonna have her baby.

Oh. That's great. Thank you for stoppin' by.

Be sure to send me an invitation to the baby shower.

Her water broke comin' back from the movie. The baby's due any minute.

And you got to deliver it. Excuse me?

You're the midwife, aren't you? Midwife?

Big Momma!

What are you doing? Screamin'!

I find that it calms the spirit.

Matter of fact, let's all scream.

Good. See? It works.

It's not like... I don’t know what I'm doin'.

Take it easy. I've called the paramedics.

Just stall, and then get out of the way when they get there. OK?

All right. Excuse me, darlin'.

Let's close these, OK? You don't want your business wavin' all in the air.

Oh, no! Don't!

I said close 'em! They don't close!

Well, then, maybe that's how you got this way in the first place!

Get this baby out of me! Where is she?

Just breathe, sweetie. Thank God you're here.

Listen, child. You do what the paramedic says. OK?

Big Momma gonna be in the kitchen... bakin' up a storm.

Bakin'? Paramedic?

Nolan is a security guard at the lumberyard.

Head security guard. I got two men and three dogs workin' up under me.

How you doin'? I'm Nolan, Ritha's brother.

Paramedics? Is something wrong? No!

I knew it. I told you this senile old hag was gettin' too old to be doin' this.

Who are you callin' senile? You wanna step outside?

Look, I took CPR. Can't be too much harder than that.

Damn! That's a baby.

Will you shut up, please? Big Momma can handle this. Get outta here!

Big Momma's here, darlin'. Don't worry.

OK, now. Nolan, get your chunky ass in gear and find me some hot water.

Lena, I need towels. Lots of towels.

Towels. Now somebody get me some lard.

Preferably Crisco.

We got a baby about to slide into the world.

Hold my hand, Big Momma. Hold her hand.

Hold my hand! Hold my hand!

OK, you're doin' good.

I'm doin' good.

What they need Crisco for?

They use Crisco for everything here.

I can't breathe.

What the hell are you doing?

I saw this in a movie once. Stop, Big Momma!

Here are the tongs. Is that sterilized?

Oh, yeah. I used WD-40 and some Easy Off on it.

Big Momma, we're not frying a chicken!

Give me this plunger.

Here we go.

Look at the head. I see something.

The head? I don't know. I'm lookin', it's lookin' back!

For God's sake.

Big Momma, what you doin' now?

I don't think you need those, Big Momma.

Hold your breath.

It's a girl!

Oh, Lord!

Ritha, it look like Leroy.

Thank you, Big Momma.

Look at her.

She's somethin' else.

Gimme my baby.

That's a baby.

Good night, Big Momma.

Let me tell you...

Big Momma, you were amazing.

Oh, thank you, child.

I wonder what they'll name him. I don't know.

If it was a boy, they could have named it, like... Requan or Trevon.

Trevon is cute. You think that?

But it's a girl. You gotta pick a girl name.

Shaniqua.

You don't like that? Come on now, Big Momma.

It should be a biblical name, right?

Something beautiful like that. That's right.

Big Momma, do you remember this?

Oh, my word!

Yes.

Here. Sherry, no. No, I couldn't, Sherry.

Big Momma, I just wanna make sure that if I ever have to go away for a long time you have something to remember me by.

Well, all right.

And I know it's a little tarnished, but it's gotten me through some pretty tough times.

Tough times? Sounds like a man's involved.

Somethin' like that.

Sherry, you know that old boyfriend you had, who got in trouble?

Whatever happened to him?

Oh, Big Momma, that's such a long story.

I'd better go check on Trent.

You need anything? I'm fine. Thank you, honey.

Sit out here and catch my breath. OK. I understand.


Shit!


Who are you?

Excuse me? Who are you?

Oh, me? I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just get so caught up in my work that I forget things and...

I'm Malcolm. Hi. How are you?

Big Momma asked me to come by and fix...

At 5.45 in the morning? No doubt.

I'm an electrician. You know?

Shit!

You're not really an electrician, are you?

No. No, I'm the...

You got me. I am busted.

I didn't go to electrical college, if that's what you mean.

But I'm a handyman. Yeah, handyman's my thing.

What are you doing? How you doin', man?

Wait a minute.

Trent?

How did you know his name?

Big Momma been braggin' all over town about you.

She has not. Yes, she has.

"Trent's so smart. Trent's so cute. Trent knows karate."

I know a little bit. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Show me a little bit of your moves.

I'd love to show him. Don't worry. I won't hurt him.

What the hell is he doing?

Trent, baby, be careful. You're kinda quick.

Let me show you what I got. Which way I'm comin'?

OK, it just got serious.

Honey, careful.

Trent, honey, you cannot be that rough. You're only a pre-teen.

Why don't you come inside now and let this man finish his work?

See you later, Trent. Bye.

I used to take a little karate myself.

OK, I'm gonna go inside now.

I'll come back and check on you in a while just to make sure you haven't killed yourself.

I appreciate it.

You blew your cover.

John, if you was thinkin' straight, you'd realize Malcolm's our best shot for crackin' this case.

Sherry ain't never gonna tell her grandmother about Lester.

Hurry up, man. She's leaving.

I'll search the house while you're gone.

Sherry?

Where are you off to?

I'm dropping Trent off to play basketball.

And then... I'm just gonna go into town for a little bit.

OK. Well, good. I'll go with you. I need to do some shopping anyway.

No! Trent, move over.

This ass here could do some serious damage.

Sherry, I'm not on your gearshift, am l?

No, Big Momma. You're all right. All right.

Get your seat belt on.

Here we go on our way to the store.

Shit.

Hattie! I've been lookin' for you. Well, good. Keep lookin'.

Big Momma, stay and talk to your friend. I'll talk to you later. OK?

Wait! I'll be right back.

Hattie, I need to do this before I lose my nerve.

You run along or that ain't all you gonna lose.

Listen. Hattie, listen to me.

It was my mother's. It's been on my dresser for 30 years.

Just sittin' in my little apartment doin' nothin' when it could have been out seein' the world.

I just want to give you somethin', just to prove to you I know how to give my heart to a woman.

There you are! Girl, we've been lookin' all over for you.

Hattie!

Hold on a minute. You losin' weight?

Yeah. I been workin' with that new ab roller.

With the handles up here.

Well, sugar, it workin'. You understand me?

Come on now. We gonna be late. Late for what?

Maybe you're in a dark alley.

Maybe not.

Maybe you're walkin' home from a church social.

Maybe you're standin' on your sun porch smokin' a pack of Virginia Slims.

But where's an' ever you be, you got to be prepared for this.

That was a little fast. Let me do it again.

Come on, Gertrude. This is good for you.

Don't you think you're being a little rough on the ladies?

You think a mugger'll be easy on you?

Somebody attack you on the street, you think they gonna do it delicately? I don't think so.

Now, where were we?

I think you were gonna ask for another volunteer.

And, personally, I would consider it a privilege.

OK. Let's go with some real-life situations.

All right. Now, first off...

Go on. Stand right there.

Here?

Let's say you walkin' down the street, struttin' your stuff, and somebody scream out to you "Hey, baby!"

"Back that thing up and show me what you got." What you gonna do?

Well, I'd say...

I got a size ten, and I'm about to cram it up his bony ass.

What if that don't work?

What if he decide he still wanna get a little piece of that?

All he got to do is this.

You done messed up now.

Get him, Hattie Mae!

Sorry about that. I didn't think it made much sense to defend myself delicately.

Most attackers seek out people who look like they can't defend themselves.

Ain't that right, Nolan? Yes.

See, you only got a second to turn fear and panic into power!

Power! That's right. You can't be scared.

You got to fight back.

There you are! I've been looking all over for you.

I know I got some explainin' to do.

That's a good idea. Yeah.

I paid way too much for this new wig to mess it up here.

That's what I'm talkin' about. I feel free!

Hattie, are you done with him?

Can I have a go? Most definitely.

Oh, my damn.

OK, ladies...

Big Momma, what is going on?


They make these cars so low. Hi, Trent. Momma, you need some help?

No, I'm not that old, Sherry. I don't need no help.

How you doin'? Good.

How was basketball?

It was all right. You OK? I'm gonna go start dinner.

And make sure you put the fatback in the greens.

Hey. This yours.

You didn't know Big Momma knew that move, did you?

That's called an assist.

Trent, me and you haven't had much time to just sit down and talk.

Your momma didn't happen to talk to you about where you were going to next, did she?

She didn't happen to say anything about meetin' up with an old friend?

I don't know.

Trent, you know I'm your Big Momma, right?

You could talk to me and confide in me. You know that, right?

I said I don't know. And anyway, Momma said we shouldn't tell our business.

That some stuff we should just keep to ourselves.

Is that right?

Did somethin' happen while you were down at basketball?

The older guys were mean to me. Say what?

They kicked me off the court.

No, see, I knew it. Don't nobody mess with my babies.

Who do they think they are, kicking you off the court? That is a public court.

Let me go get my nine, OK? Oh, no. I'll keep that...

You know what, Trent? Let me calm down.

How about we take a little walk down to the park?

Thank you! Get off the court, suckers.

Is that all you got?

Well, get ready to sit down, cos you ain't gonna last long once we start.

Ain't that right, Trent?

So, Granny thinks she got game? Oh, yes. I got game.

Got two words, too: I'm back.

You're too fat to be ballin'. Say what?

You look like a damn shaved bird.

Look at you. Just fly your...

Never mind, young man. I'm not even gonna get into it with you.

Man, here's your rock. Didn't know I could catch that, huh?

Back at ya! Didn't know it was comin'. Let's do this.

Come on, little man. We gonna take you to school.

We own that ball.

Pickin' on a little man. I'm at ya.

Look at ya now. Runnin' your mouth.

What you gonna do, Grandma?

What the hell...?

Game point.

Damn! Air Momma!

That's game. Yes!

We won!

Yes! We won!

We won! Oh yes, baby!

I'm so happy! We won!

It smells good, Big Momma.

Morning, Sherry. Good morning.

Trent wanted waffles. Have a seat.

No, I'm gonna have some toast. OK.

Malcolm's been askin' about you.

Really? Yes.

He was wonderin' how long you were gonna be in town.

He thought you might be meetin' up with some old friends from California.

I wonder what would make him think that.

Maybe somethin' you said?

Sherry, if you gonna be in town for a while, you oughta spend some time with that boy.

Get to know him.

You really think he's gonna solve all my problems, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Child, if I was 40 years younger and able to walk down the street without trippin' over my own breasts, yes, I'd take him on. I'd give him a taste.

Oh, shoot!

Damn.

Got a little jam on ya? Yeah. I just washed this, too.

Big Momma, do you have any soda water?

Yeah. Top shelf, Sherry.

Oh, my damn!

What's wrong, Big Momma? Stains.

I hate stains because they's hard to get out, and that's a jammy-jam stain. I know.

Hey, Malcolm. Hey, little man. What you up to?

We're goin' fishin'. Mom's gonna let me drive the boat.

How you doin', Sherry? Here to empty out the septic tank?

You got jokes.

No. Actually, I was in the neighborhood, so I was just stopping by.

Malcolm, you ever gone fishing?

Oh, yeah. I fish in the neighborhood all the time. Yeah, I know a thing or two.

Really? Yes, really.

I do all kind of fishing.

I just haven't caught anything worth holding onto.

Maybe you're using the wrong bait.

What kind of bait should I be using?

Mom?

Can Malcolm come with us?

Sweetie, I'm sure Malcolm has more important things to do today.

Actually, I don't. Come on, Malcolm.

Mom doesn't know what she's doin'.

I could show you where all the hot spots are.

Sure. I don't see why not.

Come on, Malcolm. I've never been fishing. Never?

Nothin' to it.

Mom, did you see that fish jump? I did. Looked like he was smiling at us.

Like he was laughing. Laughing at Malcolm.

That's funny? No, I mean...

Look at your pole!

Give me the camera.

Hold still. Gotcha!

Are you OK? Do you need a hand?

Oh, man!

There you go. Thank you.

Put that on you. A little nippy, huh? Yeah.

You know, there's... something about your eyes.

I don't know. They're really familiar.

I know you think you can recognize my eyes.

But you know what? A lot of people have these eyes. These ain't even mine.

I borrowed 'em from a friend, and I gotta have 'em back by dusk.

Yeah, I'll be... Plop!

Hold your hoe. Gotta go.

Then you don't have much time.

He loves it out here.

It's a great place to grow up. You should know that.

Yeah, but you forget and you move on and your life takes you places that you never thought you'd go.

Where has your life taken you?

Far away from here. And I'm not sure if I'm goin' back.

Really?

Mom! I can't catch anything.

Keep trying, sweetie.

Sherry, your last boyfriend...

What was he like?

Most people aren't who they say they are.

Yeah, well, you gotta trust somebody sometime.

Why not start with me?

Mom! They're too fast for you, Trent.

Why don't you just take a break, OK? You don't have to be fast.

What you got there?

Let me help you with that, little Trent. Let me see that.

Sometimes, when you wanna catch somethin', you just gotta slow down.

Be patient.

Then they might come to you.

Thanks, Malcolm.

That's what I do... catch the lightnin' bug.

I see you're a man of great taste. Need anything else?

Laptop? Cameras? AK-47? Stereos?

Rolex?

Guess not.

I'll take it. Great. That'll be two hundred.

Your girl told me a hundred.

I don't care what she said. That gun'll cost you two.

Two hundred, or this transaction goes real bad, real quick.

It just went bad, didn't it?

Pull it.

A hundred's good.

I can do a hundred.

Thank you. Good night.


Yes, sir. I understand, sir.

Oh, no. Sure, I can handle him.

Yeah. Don't you worry. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Bye.

What the hell are you doing?. Don't start.

No, Malcolm, I loved the little Jerry Maguire moment with the kid. That was very touching.

It might make it a little awkward when it's time to arrest her, but...

John, my attraction to her is strictly professional.

Great. And trust me: she's innocent.

And that's based on what? Your "professional" attraction to her?

Everybody freeze! Goddamn! You freeze!

Damn! Y'all cut Big Momma up into little pieces.

Oh, shit! Nobody's done nothin' to Big Momma.

FBl.

Looks like we'll have to arrest this guy now.

Shit, man, you ain't gotta do that.

I'm a fellow law-enforcement officer myself. You know, maybe I can help.

Get up. Come on.

OK, OK. All right.

Now, I've gone undercover as Big Momma.

As you can see.

That what that is?

Yeah.

Now listen, Nolan. This is top-secret. We're after a hardened criminal.

What I need you to do is stake out the bank.

Can you handle that? No problem.

All right. Now, what I'm saying is, shut your mouth on this one.

I mean it - hush. Don't say nothin'. Nada.

You with me? All right.

If you can do that, we might find a place for you on the force.

You'd be in. In the Bureau?

Right in the Bureau.

Probably you'd get the F, but you won't get the BI until some years have gone by.

Right. Cos there's some work involved. Exactly.

Like the bank work. I'm all over it!

Bye. Hot damn!


Trent?


Big Momma?

You awake? Yes, Sherry.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah. I was just coming to check you were OK with...

I'm sorry.

That scared me.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm OK.

That's good.

I remember when I was a little girl and it used to storm like this and you would wrap your arms around me.

You mean like this? Yeah.

And I just felt like nothing in the world could ever hurt me.

Doesn't this feel so good?

It feels so damn good.

Big Momma? Yes?

What's that? What's what?

That.

It's...

That's just my flashlight.

The storm knocked out all the power and... I had to get a big old flashlight.

OK.

You OK? Yes. Just tryin' to get comfortable.

All right.

Let's try to get some sleep. That's easy for you to say.

You know, when I called you the other day, I didn't think you'd even wanna talk to me.

Why would you say that, Sherry?

Well, it's been a long time since we've talked, and I'm not a little girl any more.

And I know that you've probably heard some things that I'm not very proud of.

Well... Maybe I didn't wanna believe those things.

Maybe I only wanted to believe the best about you.

You sure have changed, Big Momma.

How so?

Shoot, when I was a little girl, you'd whup my butt if I even looked guilty.

Well, it got your hind parts in shape, didn't it?

Well, you learned your lesson.

Yeah, I learned how to look innocent.

Big Momma... Yes?

Is there another flashlight under there?

Hi.

What the hell are you doing here?

Somebody may see you. No worries about that.

I got Nolan watching the perimeter.

He'd like his own gun, and he wants to know if we can use secret code names.

You better watch him. Oh? And who's gonna watch you?

What are you talkin' about? You slept with her, man. She got to you.

I didn't sleep with her. Big Momma did. OK. Thanks for the visual.

You know what I mean.

Are you puttin' on your make-up in the dark now?

Big Momma?

Come on, Big Momma. We're gonna be late. Late? Late for what?

Church. We're leaving in five minutes.

OK, maybe she got to me. But believe me, this will not affect my work on this case.

That big bag she took downtown the other day.

Yeah? She didn't come back with that, did she?

Not affect your work. Fine.

You know, Malcolm, if you wanna save this girl, then that's fine.

But you gotta get her to confess everything, or else, when we catch Lester, she's gonna go down with him.


"Every Time I Feel The Spirit."

Yes, good people, we are not havin' service this morning.

This morning, we're havin' church!

You know, the Lord got me to thinking the other day that maybe it's time that I stopped preaching and started listening!

And maybe one of our saints here could offer us a word from above.

All right!

Earlier this week, I went to my phone and the Lord took my dialing finger.

And after about three rings... Three rings!

I heard a sweet, angelic voice say...

Boy, you better get that thing outta my face. Move, Rev! Go now.

That's right. It was Hattie Mae Pierce.

Saints, we can learn a lot from this lady. Yes, we can.

For she has been to sorrow's kitchen and licked the pot clean.

Are you ready to testify?

Oh, well, I guess I could say a few words.

Go, Big Momma!

You just put me on the spot today, Reverend.

I really wasn't expectin' this, Reverend.

Well, let's see.

You know what to say. Come on with it.

Let's see.

Well, I asked him. I said "Lord, should I talk about the evils of drugs?"

No, no, no!

Big Momma don't know nothin' about no drugs.

Unless y'all talkin' about Harry Belafonte.

Lord knows I was addicted to that man for about ten years.

So, anyway, what I'm here to say is that some of us Live secret lives.

We don't want people to know the real us.

We hide behind our smiles and polite conversation.

And underneath it all, we do a lotta nasty shit.

'Scuse me, Reverend.

So sorry about that.

Anyway, we've all sinned.

Lord knows I've sinned.

I've lusted in my heart.

In my living room.

In the hot tub at the Red Roof Inn.

Oh, and in the back of an EI Camino!

Watch out there, now.

But that's neither here nor there. OK, please, disregard that last one.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that our secrets... they eat away at us.

So, if we want to be protected - hear me now -

we got to confess everything.

Because the truth shall set you free.

And when that day happens, won't it be a happy day? That's your song.


Hallelujah!

OK, we're home. My bladder got me just runnin'.

Maybe I should come in for a little nightcap.

Consider your night capped.

You hear somethin'? What?

Freeze!

Surprise!

Surprise.

Surprise, Big Momma.

I don't think Big Momma likes surprise parties.

Let's eat.

Big Momma, where did you get that from?

Come on, why don't you give it to me? Give it up before you hurt somebody, OK?

I'm about to go secure the perimeter. Nolan!

John... This is all we need. Him screwing this up.

Why'd you let all these people in here? It's a surprise party. I didn't know about it.

Keep your eyes open. I'm goin' upstairs to change for the party.

Good idea.

Hi, Ben. How you doin'?

I guess you're wonderin' what I got you for your birthday.

Don't tell me your momma had more jewellery.

If you don't want it, you don't have to...

What is that boy up to now, Big Momma?

You stay down here and watch the food. I'll go up.

All right.

Trent? What are you lookin' for?

Nothing.

Why don't you go downstairs and help your momma with the food?

Yes, ma'am.

Damn.


Big Momma?

Yes?

Where'd you put the sweet corn? Is it outside in the freezer?

Sherry, is there anything you wanna say to Big Momma?

No, Big Momma. Why do you ask?

Oh, really?

Then I guess this chain isn't the only thing that came back to me tarnished.

I found the money, Sherry. What money?

Oh, my God. It's Lester.

Big Momma, I'm so sorry, but I gotta go. I gotta get outta here.

Sherry!

Hey, officer. I'm lookin' for... Miss Hattie Mae Pierce's house.

You know where she live? Big Momma?

Yeah. You less than two miles away.

She gonna die when she sees me.

Sherry... Now you gonna have to tell me what's goin' on.

Everything, Sherry. I can't.

I'm beggin' you to trust me. I mean... you can trust your Big Momma, can't you?

Now, who's this Lester? I thought I was in love with him.

He stole my keys. He got into the vault. He shot two people.

He must have hid the money in Trent's locker before they arrested him.

Are you saying you didn't know anything about the money?

What about that big bag you had the other day, Sherry?

What about the phone call you made in town?

Happy birthday.

And the phone call was to set up your surprise party.

You're tellin' the truth. You didn't have anything to do with the robbery.

Of course I did. I knew that the keys were missing, and I didn't say anything to anybody because I was afraid I'd lose my job.

Is that it? That's the big mistake you made, Sherry?

Big Momma, I should have said something.

I know what kind of man Lester is.

Oh, Sherry!

Big Momma, what are you doing?

Oh, excuse me, child.

Sometimes Big Momma just feel like kissin' folks, that's all.

Well, could you warn me next time?

Yeah, sure.

Sherry, listen to me.

You're not to blame.

Lester stole the keys. Lester stole the money.

And Lester shot those people.

Big Momma, I should have known I could trust you. Thank you so much.

Everything's gonna be OK. All right?

I'm gonna call Malcolm. He'll help us fix everything. No worries.

No worries. I'll fix it.

Yes, ma'am!

I've been waitin' on this moment ever since I first laid eyes on you.

Can't get enough of your love, baby.

Hattie, I'm tired of bein' alone.

Ben, whatever you started in that bed, trust me, you gonna finish alone.

Oh, Hattie baby...

Ben, I swear, if I see your shaboinker, all hell's gonna break loose.

Holy shit.

Good Lord! What in the hell is goin' on up in there?

Hey, Big Momma. Hi, Trent.

What in the hell is goin' on over there?

Hey. You're back so soon!

What do you mean, "so soon"?

And what the hell's wrong with this door?

How about I hop in there and we go for a spin?

Big Momma?

There you are. Everyone's lookin' for you.

What are you doing? I'm just freshenin' up.

Come on! Time to cut your cake. Everybody's waitin' on you.

Driver, if I give you $20, would you step outside and kick his ass for me?

Yes, ma'am. No. Sir, you do not have to kick my ass.

Wait a minute. Just wait.

Look. OK, if you really must know, it's a surprise party for you, and if you go in there now you'll ruin it.

Well, if that’s my party, looks like I'm missin' it.

Christ.

It's so loud in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable over at my house.

We've been lookin' all over for you. It's time to cut your birthday cake.

All of this for my birthday?

Everybody's all dressed up and looking good.

I wanna freshen up and get out of my traveling clothes.

No, don't worry about that. You look fine.

Listen, I got some dress-up clothes, too. I wanna put mine on.

Now where's that cake?

Damn! That was fast!

What the hell are you doing, Nolan?

Y'all sure went through a lotta trouble for Big Momma.

You know, that's rare these days.

So much else to do that you forget about people.

Big Momma is here. What you talking about?

She's back. The real Big Momma is back. Damn!

You want me to take her out? No.

Just keep her away from Malcolm until we figure out a way to sneak her out of here.

OK. You got it.

You know, Big Momma a whole lotta woman. I may need help.

You two? in my bed?

Hell, no!

Hattie Mae, I can explain.

Explain it to the fat end of my baseball bat.

Trent? Sweetie?

"Scratch, scratch, scratch, went the clawing at my door."

"'Who's there?' I said, hoping it was only my imagination."

Mom, look. It's ghost stories.

Where's my Sherry? Where's my baby Sherry?

In my house, in my bed... Malcolm, I've been lookin' all over for you.

You'll never believe who's here. Who's here?

Plenty of fun people. Let's dance over and meet some, shall we? Come on.

Sherry?

Big Momma, work it out!

He don't know what to do with it.

Shit.

Can I at least say goodbye to my grandmother?

Yeah.

Big Momma?

Sherry, is that you?

What a beautiful surprise.

Yeah, Big Momma. I just wanted to come and say goodbye, cos we have to leave now.

But I just got...

I don't want you to leave. Please, don't leave.

No, Big Momma, we have to go now. And I just wanted to say thank you for everything.

You said goodbye. Now let's go.

Freeze, sucker! Nolan? What the hell are you doing?

Put that thing down.

You freeze... sucker.

Don't shoot me. Lester, no.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Jesus!

I forgot my keys.

Big... Big Momma?

Are y'all Double mint twins? Freeze! FBl.

Not in Big Momma's house!

Oh, shit!

I can't feel my knees. Oh, Big Momma!

Hit me, you fat piece of junk? Lester, no!

Don't you hit her.

Don't turn over on me! Oh, Lord!


Oh, man.

Are you all right? Yeah.

You were all over that shit. Yeah. I was somethin', huh?

Easy.

But I gotta tell you... This gettin' shot part, it's not as much fun as you'd think.

Malcolm.

Trent.

Watch out!

Yes. Well, somebody better tell me somethin', cos this sho' is some freaky shit.

Yes, and I'll bust in your head again if I catch you foolin' around with my kin.

Blood is thicker than water.

Is that morphine in there? God, it beats the hell out of aspirin.

Sherry.

Go inside, sweetie. OK?

How's he doin'?

He's fine.

Good.

You thought I was guilty the whole time, didn't you?

You went to all this trouble to try to catch me in a lie and you were the one being dishonest.

I was just doin' my job.

So the lake and everything, that was just you doin' your job, right?

No.

"You gotta trust somebody sometime. Why not start with me?"

I find that hard to believe, Malcolm.

How do you feel, Malcolm? Nervous about your testimony?

Nervous? No.

No, I'm cool.

This won't be the first time I've testified.

This one ain't gettin' away.

Let's hope. This is your basic hostile jury. Good luck.

Yeah. All right.

Yes, brothers and sisters.

Reverend, I've come to testify.

What's he doin' here? This is God's house, where all of his children are welcome.

Yeah, maybe all exceptin' him.

This better be good, son. Yeah.

Now wobble-wobble, and drop it like it's hot.

I've come here today to ask for understanding.

I believe the Good Book says "lf you don't know me, don’t judge me."

That was Tupac. Definitely Tupac.

Tupac. All right.

Well, Trent, what does it say?

Mom says Jesus said we should love one another as we love ourselves.

No, Trent. That's an old lyric from AI Green. I got it in the car.

Jesus did say that.

Amen! Yes, he did.

Anyway... Trent, do you remember that day at the lake when I told you that if you wanted something bad enough you gotta be patient and it might come to you?

Well, I think that only works with fireflies.

But if it's someone important, you gotta put yourself into it.

You have to go get it.

Sherry, the make-up...

You know, the whole...

And the protrudeness...

Excuse me.

Look, that was fake.

But what I feel about you...

That's real.

You know, Reverend, I think the Lord is trying to give us some true words through this brother here.

Well, may the angels speed your path on up here, Big Momma.

Sherry, why are you still sittin' there?

Girl, come on up here and get your man.


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