[man] Think about it. Right on the beach, ocean breezes, blue skies, seagulls.
All yours for the taking. [woman] It's a timeshare.
[man] Well, it's called a timeshare, but the truth is, for the two weeks you're at the condo, you're not sharing anything.
You're not sharing the bathroom, not sharing the toaster, nothing.
You are the mistress of all you survey. [chuckles]
My nephew looked up the neighbourhood on the computer.
He said the condo was in a bad neighbourhood.
You're right. You're right.
The condo is in a rather poor majority black neighbourhood.
And you know what? I'm glad you brought it up.
Otherwise, I might have done something that I'd be ashamed of later.
And that would be to sell you that timeshare.
You would not feel safe there. No, I wouldn't.
Of course you wouldn't. How could you?
We all know, and I say this at the risk of sounding a little racist, black dudes love white women.
Love 'em. I don't know if it's genetic or if it's society.
We can argue nature versus nurture all day, but it's a scientific fact that black men can't get enough of white women.
Don't think a woman of your age would be safe from their advances.
These big black bucks don't care whether you're young or old, skinny or fat, walking or with two wrinkled stumps right below the knees.
They want your white flesh. They want it bad.
Truth be told, I'm part black myself.
And if it wasn't for my wife, I'd be bending you over the desk doing you doggy-style right now.
I can just imagine you there, all alone in that big condo, awash in a sea of Negro cock.
I'll... I'll take it.
Smart move. Sign your Jane Hancock on the dotted line.
You can't go in there. Here you go.
Stan Minton. I'll be with you in a second.
Go on. Sign it.
Stan Minton, you're under arrest for fraud.
Anything you say will be used against you in a court.
It's just a little mix-up. Go on, sign it.
You white Jezebel! [woman] I'll call Mal!
[Stan] You're gonna regret this! Call my attorney!
Madam Foreman, have you reached a verdict?
We have, Your Honour. Please hand it to the bailiff.
[judge] Will the defendant please rise?
Madam Foreman, how do you find the defendant?
[woman] We, the jury, find the defendant guilty.
What? [judge] Thank you, Madam Foreman.
That bitch! Stanley, please, quiet.
Sentencing will be tomorrow at 10am.
What the fuck just happened in there? You lost, Stanley.
I didn't lose. You're the lawyer, you lost.
I'm truly sorry.
Damn it, man! I'm rich!
I wanted some of that O.J. justice.
Maybe the judge will give probation.
No. In this state, first-degree fraud carries a minimum of three to five years.
I got it!
We bribe the judge. I'm not gonna bribe the judge.
Bribe him. I'm not gonna bribe him.
Bribe him! Oh, please.
Bribe him! No!
I don't practise that kind of law, and I never will.
You wanna bribe the judge? Be my guest.
I'm sure any shyster on the street will be happy to do it for you.
[Stan] Mal? You're fired.
[judge] Mr. Popper, is your client ready for sentencing?
He is, Your Honour.
[judge] Anything you'd like to say before the court passes sentence?
Your Honour, my client has been convicted of fraud in the first degree.
A crime of which he is innocent.
But even if he were guilty and his customers were defrauded, isn't it better that Mr. Minton, as a resident of Los Angeles, receive the money, thereby keeping it in the community, as opposed to some gypsies or travelling Mexicans, who would have taken the money out of the community?
Please take that into consideration.
Mr. Minton, you are hereby sentenced to serve a term of no less than three years at the Verlaine State Correctional Facility.
Normally, your sentence would begin immediately.
However, I'm going to delay your incarceration for six months so that you may... reorganise the charity that you've established to teach music to retarded children.
Thank you, judge.
Court is adjourned.
Teach music to retarded children? It sounded good at the time.
I thought you were gonna bribe him. I did.
Hundred grand in Krugerrand doesn't go too far now.
Did we win? No. I don't get it.
You bribe the judge and I get three years?
Mandatory. The judge couldn't fix that.
Now you got six months to set your affairs in order.
My affairs are already in order.
My legal opinion is that you take a Brazilian vacation. Permanently.
Sounds like fun. [laughs]
I can't do that.
Those Krugerrands were the last liquid asset I had.
The rest of my money is frozen in the bank.
I'm not gonna run and leave seven million behind.
Well, Stan, my old man had a saying:
"You walk through a locker room, you're gonna see some dick."
What's that supposed to mean? It means you rip off enough people, eventually you're gonna go to jail.
Thanks, that's really comforting.
Hey, I'm a crooked lawyer. I know I'm going to jail someday.
You don't see me crying about it. [laughs]
Stan, slow down. You're gonna choke.
I gotta eat now. I hear that prison food is real crap.
I'm real glad we have six months together before you have to go to...
You know. Tell me about it.
I could be in jail right now. Popper's one hell of a lawyer.
I'm gonna be awfully lonely while you're gone.
I know, sweetheart. But I think I get conjugal visits.
I can probably stick it to you once a month or so. Pretty good.
Oh, sure, that's great.
But I was thinking... Mm-hm.
...maybe we could do something now so I wouldn't be so lonely later.
Like maybe we could make a baby.
Mindy, are you crazy?
I just... I'm gonna be gone three years.
Five at the max. What are we gonna do with the kid when I get out?
Give it up for adoption? That's cruel.
I thought maybe we could keep it.
Mindy, how many times have we gone over this?
It's selfish to bring a child into this world.
A world full of suffering and hunger and war.
It's just... selfish! I know.
Plus, a kid would totally cramp our lifestyle.
We couldn't go on vacation when we wanted, they break stuff, they cry.
You'd get stretch marks.
That's right. Stretch marks.
Scary stuff, huh?
[sobbing] I just let you walk all over me.
Oh, Mindy, come on. [sobbing]
OK, Mindy, you can get a dog.
After I leave!
Your other steak, sir.
[rock music playing]
What do you want, doll? Put some Scotch in this.
We got whiskey. Not as good, but it'll have to do.
All right. That'll be 75 cents.
Keep the change. Ooh! [laughs] Well...
Ah! Give me another one, honey.
Do you got a problem?
No. No, I...
I was just wondering... you've been to prison, right?
You do have a problem.
No, I... I'm going to prison.
But I've never been there before and I was just thinking maybe you could give me some pointers.
I'll pay you 100 bucks. Just for talking?
How much time did you get? Three to five.
Where at? Verlaine.
Verlaine? That's fucked, Stan. Guards just don't give a damn.
They let the cons beat the shit out of one another all day.
How am I gonna do in there?
I mean, if you saw me, would you beat the shit out of me?
I'd probably rape ya.
You'd rape me? Yeah.
So it's true, huh? A lot of guys turn gay in prison?
I'm always gay. I only rape people in prison.
You're gay? Yeah. This is a gay bar.
[man] Let's do this thing.
Look, rape isn't an act of sex. Rape is an act of violence.
And in prison society, it's all about violence.
You're judged by how bad other cons fear you.
Raping a dude is the ultimate way of beating him down.
It means you're one bad motherfucker.
So you rape people?
Well, now that's something I'm not real proud of.
I don't condone the practise, to be honest. But I do it some.
Just to keep up with the Joneses. You know what I mean.
Little dude like you, be an easy mark.
Oh, Jesus! Isn't there anything I could do?
You could join a gang.
Are you a racist? Not really.
That leaves out the Nazis.
Got any Mob connections? No.
Wouldn't happen to be Latino? Uh-uh.
Looks like everybody's gonna rape you.
OK. OK, I... I bet I can be a racist for three to five years.
A real racist. Hardcore. Well, good.
Then you can join the Nazis. Excellent.
You'll only be raped by other Nazis.
Raped by Nazis? No way!
Anything else I can do?
Isn't there some way I can cultivate some outlaw image?
You have to kill a dude. Without killing a dude?
In your case, it'd be a real long shot, Stan.
Wouldn't happen to have any tats? Tats?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't grow up with my mom. So I...
When I was 18, I got a tattoo.
You might as well buy a welcome mat, strap it to your asshole.
Say, "I'm open for business."
[doorbell rings] Whoo!
Stan? [sobbing] I'm gonna get raped!
Stan, honey. You wanna wake up?
Good morning, dear. Good afternoon, Stan.
I got you some orange juice.
It was all a bad dream.
Just a horrible dream. What was your dream, baby?
It was awful!
I was gonna go to prison and big men were gonna rape me.
But here I am, safe in my bed.
It was all a bad dream.
But you are gonna be going to prison, right?
Huh? You're going to prison in six months.
Honey, it's OK. A lot can happen in six months.
What's gonna happen, Mindy? Is my anus gonna grow teeth?
No, silly! You'll find a way. You always do.
What'd you just say?
You always find a way.
That's right. I always do.
My baby ready to eat breakfast?
...did I have a lot growing up?
No, I did not. I had nothing growing up.
I had a drunk father who was emotionally unavailable to me.
I had a summer job at Dairy Queen.
I had tomato soup for dinner.
Nobody ever gave me anything.
Truly, mine was a hardscrabble existence.
Yet look at me today.
I own a palatial estate, I drive a Lamborghini, I have a summer house on the lake, a complete Bang & Olufsen home theatre system, a beautiful wife. [giggles]
And whom do I have to thank for all this stuff?
Me. Nobody else.
Me. I am a winner.
I set my mind to do something, and I do it.
And so when I say to you that I will make myself un-rapeable, I will be un-rapeable!
[♪ Joe Esposito: You're the Best ♪]
♪ You're the best around Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
♪ You're the best around Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
♪ You're the best around ♪ Ow!
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
I got a couple of things in mind. But first I got kind of a weird question.
Do you have anything you could tattoo around my sphincter to make it less attractive?
Stanny, come to bed. Not... Not now, Mindy.
[grunts] There. You see new definition?
My forearm. I think I see a new vein.
I see a very sexy man.
You do? [giggles]
Well, I wonder what he's gonna do next.
Take me, darling.
Mindy, I'm gonna go to prison in a few months.
Not now, honey.
And while I'm there, men are gonna try to take advantage of me.
I don't wanna hear about this. This is important.
[sighs] I'm doing everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen.
But if it does happen, and I do get violated...
...I want the first time...
...to be by someone I love.
Stan, I couldn't.
Please, Min, for me.
[Stan screaming] Oh, the horror!
You must concentrate, Stanley. Concentrate!
How can I concentrate when I'm bored? If you're bored, leave.
Oh, come on, Cho.
Master Cho! Master Cho.
I've been coming here for a week and I'm still doing baby stuff.
When am I gonna learn to kick some ass?
I'm a yellow belt. Nobody's afraid of a yellow belt.
You think you're ready to move up in rank?
Yeah, that's right.
[laughs] Fine. You'll have your chance.
Hey, Seymour! Come on. All right.
You'll fight Seymour for honour of green belt.
Want me to fight this little guy? [growling]
All right. Fighting stance!
All right, Seymour. See what you got.
How do you like that, huh, Seymour? Stanley!
Uh! You can forget about your refund!
Is that all you got?
That's some technique you got.
You couldn't knock a shit out of a paper bag full of shit.
Oh, and you could do better?
[Stan] Mindy! Dinner's almost ready!
I got great news! What happened to you?
Never mind that. I just met the best guy. Guess what?
He's agreed to be my trainer. Really? What's his name?
How do you do... The Master.
He's gonna live with us and train me.
I have to pay him when my accounts get unfrozen.
Oh. [The Master] Ahem.
And the contract.
Yeah, I'll write it up right now.
I'm so sorry, The Master, but there's no smoking in the house.
Yes, there is.
I better heat up another Lean Cuisine.
Honey, you've done it again. You heated it just perfect.
...The Master, where are you from?
Oh! What brought you to LA? A job?
I travel where the wind takes me.
Isn't he great? [laughs]
Well, how long have you been teaching the art of self-defence?
Young lady, what I teach is not art.
It is science.
A careful amalgam of the most deadly parts of karate, kung fu, Wing Chun, Krav Maga, Muay Thai, savate and Filipino Kali.
Ooh! [laughs] Wow!
I find weakness and turn it into strength.
I find fat and turn it into muscle.
I find blisters and turn them into canker sores.
I find doubt and I turn it into will.
You can stop doing that now.
Doing what? Your hand.
Oh. I forgot it was there.
I'm gonna take a shit.
Enjoy yourself. Mm.
Stan, honey, does he really have to live here?
The Master? He scares me.
I know. He scares me too. That's exactly why he's the perfect guy to teach me.
But, Stan... Look, want me to survive in prison?
Of course I do. Then don't argue with me about this.
You'll see, he'll grow on you.
Wake up, weakling.
[both scream] What the hell you doing in here?
It's time to begin your training.
But it's five in the morning. [The Master growls]
Is that liver? It's your breakfast.
And every moment you delay, I squeeze out more of its vital juices.
Trust me, you'll need them later.
OK, I'm up. [The Master] But are you ready?
Look what I found beside your bed.
This is weakness.
This is defeatism.
Actually, we were kind of enjoying that.
And follow me.
[The Master] Punch! All right, now kick.
[The Master] Punch! All right, now kick.
Kick! [blender whirring]
Kick like you mean it!
Oh! I blended that gross stuff you wanted.
I got it all in Koreatown. I didn't even know there was a Koreatown.
Too many eggs.
The fish oil is nice. Ox pancreas is good.
Next time, use more tongue. That's what she said.
Ooh! Oh, Stan!
I'm all right. Get away from him!
I'm OK. Rise and drink your lunch.
Don't I get to eat anything that tastes good?
You like hot dogs? Yeah, sure.
If you don't drink that, the boys in prison will feed you...
...many hot dogs.
I can kick your ass so fast you wouldn't even feel it.
I'd like to see that. [whooshing]
You didn't kick me in the ass. I didn't feel anything.
[Stan] Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh! Ow! Ooh!
[The Master] Pain is interpretation. OK.
I'm gonna call a time-out here. You're beating my husband with a flaming stick.
Isn't there some kind of role-playing exercise you can do?
Run along, honey. This is man stuff here.
Go ahead, Master.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ah! Oh!
No disrespect, I realise this is strengthening my nipples.
And believe me, I can feel the burn.
I was wondering, just how important are strong nipples?
Someday these nipples... Ah!
...may save your life. Ah!
You are what you eat.
[Mindy] Um, are you sure that's Eastern mysticism?
Because I learned that in health class in third grade.
I mean, all that stuff about pain and illusion sounds totally mystical.
But "you are what you eat"? Even I know that. And I am from Omaha.
What part of Omaha?
I should have known.
Those womanly, childbearing hips could not be a product of this perfidious coast.
Uh, do you mind? I'm trying to eat scorpion here.
[Mindy screams] You have lost the right to eat scorpion.
[sighs] Great. There goes my lunch.
Thanks. This is not working.
Master says... Master's a jerk.
Shh! He is!
And he is a creep. The house smells. Does he have to smoke in every room?
The only time I see you alone is in bed and you're too tired to...
Hey! I got five months, and then it's prison. I gotta stay focused.
I gotta think, eat, breathe prison. I don't have time for anything else.
Not even time for me?
Tell you what.
After I'm done working out with The Master, I'll rent some movies, and we'll cuddle around the TV like old times, OK?
Some men broke into the house! They wanna rape you!
What? Big men!
They wanna rape you! Repeatedly! What about The Master?
They have guns! They killed him! There's nothing we can do!
You're gonna get raped! Raped! Oh, my God!
Now you know how I feel. What?
Fear of rape. That's what I'm gonna have to live with for three years.
[whimpering] Nobody broke into the house?
Now maybe you'll be supportive of what I'm going through.
[gasping] You son of a bitch!
OK, you're upset. You son of a bitch!
You don't have to call names. Mindy! Son of a bitch!
Bitch, bitch, bitch! You bastard! Mindy. Mindy!
[screaming] Oh! Mindy.
What are you doing? What's it look like? Leaving.
Why? Because I pull one little prank, which when you calm down...
It's not just one prank! You only think about yourself!
You're the most selfish man who ever lived, ever! Ever!
Whoa! Excuse me? Selfish? I find that funny! I really do!
I've given you everything you've ever wanted!
You're crazy! This house!
It's in your name. Those boobs!
You wanted these. You said the Lamborghini's too small, I got a second car. A 1955 Porsche Speedster!
It has a back seat! Oh!
What do you want? I'll do anything. I want a baby, you asshole!
That again? Fine. OK. You win.
We'll have a baby. Really?
No, not really, but we can visit people who have kids.
[groans] [starts engine]
Good, leave! I don't need you!
I don't need anybody!
- [woman moaning on TV] God! [knock on door]
Uh, one moment. I'm... meditating.
[sighs] [woman on TV] It's so big! Oh, God!
- [woman on TV] Yes, yes, yes! Good.
Oh, God! [screaming]
Now, the real training can begin.
We do not have time to teach you the five fingers of death.
We have only time for one finger.
All right. Wait. This one.
[♪ The Briggs: Harder to Stand]
♪ You don't know what to do, you're sitting there and you're all alone Don't look at what you're doing.
Just feel. Feel.
♪ You've got no place to call your home I felt. It felt bad.
You must learn to feel your opponent. Know his intentions.
If he is good at a distance, then you must be close.
If he is good close, then you must fight him at a distance.
What if your opponent is good close and from a distance?
Then you are up to your eyeballs in shit.
Watch your mouth. You are nobody.
Hey, what are those? A little something I picked up at the Shaolin temple. What do you use them for?
Whoo-hoo! All right, that's close enough.
Never celebrate too early.
I'll remember that.
Mississippi five, Mississippi six, Mississippi seven, Mississippi eight, Mississippi nine...
My God! That is amazing!
Oh, that's nothing. You should see him.
It's easy for me. Cigarettes have ruined my circulation so much I can't even feel my hands anymore.
So that's your trick.
Here's to Stan Minton, my second finest student.
Who's number one?
I hope you never have to find that out.
He used what I taught him, not for his own protection, but for evil.
Well, fuck that guy. Here's to number two.
Now, drink up. Stan has one final test.
I do? OK.
Let's go for it.
It's Master Cho to you.
Master Cho? Or Masturbator Cho?
Excuse me? You heard me... punk.
Looking for a beat-down, mister?
What are you looking for? To beat off?
[The Master] Very good, Stan.
You mind walking me to my car?
All right. [laughing]
I don't feel too comfortable here. I don't think the Asian people like me.
[♪ C-Bo: What You Want Nigga]
All right, you just go up those steps, turn yourself in for processing.
By the way, slight change of plans.
The Bureau of Prisons called me yesterday.
They're sending you to Oaksburg, not Verlaine.
Why? Who knows? Bureaucracy.
It makes no difference.
Go on. You'll do great.
Uh, did Mindy or her lawyer call about the divorce?
It's not like I care anyway. All right.
See you guys in three years.
What do you think? I think you should walk away quickly.
Ah! Filthy pig! I need a beer.
Don't get in the car!
This your first time?
Hey, sweetie, ain't you got a name?
Talk to me again, I'll twist your whole damn titty off.
Ooh, my mama, ooh, my mama. Hey, man, I'm scared too.
But it can't be as bad as they say it is.
It's just as bad as they say. The sooner you realise that, the better.
Tell 'em. You'll find out, soon enough.
What'd I say about talking to me?
[man] Welcome to Oaksburg Penitentiary.
For reasons beyond what I care to imagine, you gentlemen have found yourselves under my stewardship.
My name is Warden Francis Gasque.
But you can just call me Boss.
We only got one rule here at Oaksburg:
Don't fuck with the Boss. That means you leave me and my men alone.
What you animals do to each other, that's your business.
And right behind you is the warden's garden.
Anybody caught pissing on that will have his penis removed.
Sergeant Bullard will lead you to the medical office where you'll strip and have your cavities searched. You're gonna enjoy that.
Now, gentlemen! Single file. Come on! Get up there.
Pecker to butt hole.
All right, assume the position.
[screams] Why you screaming like a little girl?!
It's like an alien staring into my soul.
Welcome home. New luxury condos, compliments of the state.
Step it up, boys.
[blues plays] [men shouting]
Come on, sweet meat! [yelling]
Hello there, young fella. I guess we're cellmates.
My name's Larry. But you can call me Shorts.
Shorts, you're in my bunk.
What? That's my bunk. Get out.
[laughing] You hold on there just a second.
This is my bunk. What gives you the right to...
I said that's my bunk. Yeah, I guess it is.
Uh, you might wanna change the sheets.
I'm kind of a compulsive masturbator.
Shorts, that's your bunk.
Thanks, buddy. I think we're gonna get along just fine.
Hey, put her here.
I don't shake hands. Well, whatever.
Ah, good to be back.
Tell me, Shorts, who's the toughest guy here?
Who's the biggest bad-ass in the cell block?
Biggest bad-ass... There's a lot of contenders.
There's Cleon. He's leader of the Diamond Kings, the black gang.
I seen him kill a man with his fist. That's right! Yeah!
Then there's Juanito. He's head of the Mexican gang.
Hey, get back. Hey!
And whatever you do, don't go near those guys.
The goal is to express ourselves... They're Scientologists.
They don't look so tough. Yeah. They'll talk your ear off and then sue your ass. ...distinguish fear.
Then there's the Nazis. None of them are too tough.
They don't fight fair and don't fight alone. They always gang up on you.
Their leader, Patterson, he's a real bastard.
His uncle's the head of the Aryan Nation.
Let me clarify my question, Shorts.
Who's the most dangerous sexual predator?
Oh, that's easy.
It's Big Raymond. Absolutely insatiable.
Crazy. The other black guys don't go near him.
But they'd back him up if it came to a fight.
Big Raymond it is.
Can I borrow that? Yeah.
Hey, Stan. Stan, where you going?
You think that cigarette was free? Is that what you think?
I'll pay you back, man. I don't have any money.
You think I want money?
Excuse me. Bug off, bitch!
I'll get to you later.
Did you just call me bitch?
Yeah, I said it.
Hey, everybody! Did you hear that?
Big Raymond, for no reason, just called me bitch!
Now, was that nice?
[muttering] It's not like I called him fat.
It's not like I said I seen pig shit prettier than he is.
It's not like I said his mother's pussy smells like egg salad.
Which it does.
[man] Oh, hell nah! Ohhh, hell nah!
Hell nah! Oh, hell nah!
[snapping] Ah! Ah!
Who's the bitch now, bitch?
I told you Raymond was gonna get his ass beat. I told you!
[laughing] My cracker!
Laying the boot to the big nigga. Give it up!
Don't use that word around me. It's ugly and racist.
[all laugh] [man] Yeah, dawg!
He's funny too, man.
All right, listen here, player. All right?
We want you to join up with us, nah mean? Them niggas is gonna tear...
I said don't talk that way around me.
Let me get some of that!
[man] Let's kill him. No, I got it, I got it. I got it!
Handle your business, Cleon.
Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're gonna stick up for that fat son of a bitch.
You happen to see the colour of that fat son of a bitch's skin?
Hey, aren't we over that?
Didn't you see that Nova episode? Huh, you guys?
They did that DNA test.
We all come from Africa. [man] Kick his ass.
It's a proven fact. Under the skin, I'm just as black as you are.
[man] Fuck that. Get him!
[man] Get him, man! Get him! Get him! Motherfucker!
Get him! Ah!
Man, get that fool!
Hold on. See what happens.
[man] Take the stick! [man 2] No, don't take it!
[man 3] Take the stick! [man 2] No, don't take it!
Oh, he did it again.
[man] Take the stick! Take it! Mm-hm?
[all shouting] [man 2] No, no, don't take it!
[man 2] I told him not to take that stick.
[man] Even the Asian!
Where the hell did that guy come from?
Whoo! [man] Damn!
[man 2] That guy's good. [man 3] All right.
[man 4] Come on, Cleon.
[man 5] It's your time, baby. Don't be scared.
[man 6] It's your time to shine, Cleon.
If you wanna fight me, you're gonna have to fight me.
I understand. Pick up your gold teeth.
I'm gonna let you keep them this time.
But if you come at me again...
...I'm gonna hang onto them like a Swiss banker.
[Cleon] Ya'll ain't gonna help me?
I'm missing a bicuspid.
We should have killed him.
[sobbing] Somebody, call an orthodontist.
Hm. I see Mr. Minton has acquainted himself with his new surroundings.
I believe it's time I had my little chat with him.
[indistinct chatter] Whoa, whoa, look out.
Beat it. All of you.
Oh, man, this stuff's good. I don't know what everybody's complaining about.
You're kidding me.
Hey, man. I just wanna say thanks.
You know, for helping me before.
With Big Raymond.
I wasn't helping you. I was helping me.
I had to beat up the biggest shithead. He happened to be talking to you.
But, you know, I... I mean, I...
I think that guy wanted to fuck me.
Trust me, in your case, I was just putting off the inevitable.
[man makes kissing sound] Yeah.
Well, thanks anyway.
[man] What's your name, girl? Don't be shy, just say hi.
Come here. Kick back, baby girl!
Little hard on the kid, weren't you?
That's got nothing to do with me. And I'm gonna keep it that way.
You got that? Mm-hm.
Minton, warden wants to see you. Get up.
Me? Now! Walk!
Put your hands behind your back.
[knocking on door] Come in.
Minton, I'm glad you could make it.
You can take the cuffs off him. Sure you wanna do that, Boss?
I said take 'em off.
It's all right.
I already got 'em.
It's a matter of dislocating the wrists.
Ew! Ew, that is creepy!
You can wait outside. [shudders]
Have a seat.
Warden, if this is about me fighting in the yard, it...
You know, you wardens should complain.
'Cause in the movies, they always make you look like assholes.
[laughs] Well, I don't plan on being a warden forever.
Is that right? Tell me, Minton.
What do you think of this place?
It's OK, for a prison.
Not the prison. The land.
It's a nice sized property. Great views of the foothills and city. Level grade.
I'm assuming there's bedrock beneath us.
Easy access to downtown. I see some nice development potential.
Too bad you got a prison on it. Exactly.
You know, it's no accident you came to Oaksburg.
I pulled a few strings to get you here.
What made you wanna do that?
I'm a silent partner, so to speak, with some private investors who would like to develop this land into timeshare condominiums.
I believe that's your field of expertise.
True. 'Course, all this is only possible in the event the prison ever closes down.
Makes sense. You know, I'm in the prison business.
I know how to break a man's will, crush his spirit.
But them real estate contracts, those things put a real hurt on you.
That's where you come in.
What's in it for me? How would you like to be out of here in a year?
But I've got a mandatory minimum. Wardens have great discretion getting early parole, especially to non-violent, first-time offenders.
Prisons are crowded, you know. The system is corrupt.
But you gotta move the luxury units closer to the lagoon.
That'll double rents. Parking goes underground.
Wasting space. Eight extra units. Whoever designed this is a moron.
How will you get rid of the prison? Let me worry about that.
Tell me more about them parking spaces.
[Stan singing in Spanish]
He ain't gonna know what hit him, nah mean?
That's gonna scar, you psycho.
You want that shiv, don't you?
You made that with a melted toothbrush and a razorblade?
That's very creative. Ah!
Look what I made with three bars of soap and a shoelace.
[chuckles] Cracker, please.
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Come on, race traitor.
[neck cracks] Ha!
He's all yours.
This gonna be fun.
Hey, Stan. What'd you do to Patterson?
I just roughed him up a little bit.
Why? Somebody took a shiv to his ass.
They say he'll be shitting sideways for a month. [laughs]
Now I know what schadenfreude feels like.
It's German for when you feel good because your enemy's anus is violated.
You know you're getting that on me.
[Stan on phone] I'm doing great. You guys are pussies.
That's terrific. Hey, listen, pal. I need your help.
I can't get Mindy's lawyer to return my call.
If we wanna go through with this divorce, you're going to have to contact her personally.
Yeah. I'll get right on that.
- How's the appeal coming? [laughs]
Believe it or not, I'm looking at the Madam Foreman right now.
[laughs] That's great.
[stammering] I gotta go now. You know, duty calls.
All right. Thanks, Lew. I'll talk to you soon.
Ain't you Charlize Theron?
Oh, look what fell out there.
[laughing] So I had them exchange the beef for horse meat.
Clever. That's Stan.
Minton, I'd like for you to meet Mr. Dang.
He's on the prison's board of governors.
They let Vietnamese mafia on the prison board of governors?
Your finger tats.
[laughs] Like you say, Stan, the system is corrupt.
Mr. Dang's family happens to be my partners in Oaksburg Estates.
Oh, good, 'cause I was just going over the contracts.
The language gets rather vague on gross versus net liability.
I'm sure it's unintentional, but that could screw you in the long run.
Could it? I'll have my lawyers correct that immediately.
I got an excellent lawyer for that. He specialises in it. Lew Popper.
Popper? I'll be sure to contact him.
[laughs] Come on, Dang, let's check out the floor show.
It looks like the savages are ready for the inspection.
[Gasque] Well, give me a few more weeks. I'll even have 'em readier.
[Dang] I'm counting on that.
Would you like a strawberry?
I grew them in my own garden. Thank you.
No, I'm good.
[Gasque] Maybe I picked 'em a little too soon.
I don't think that's it.
[Stan on phone] People are scared shitless of me.
Very good, Stan.
Is there anyone there who can challenge you?
Nah. I got it all under control.
What's the matter, Stan?
You sound... distant.
I don't know. It's just...
Don't you ever find yourself feeling sorry for anybody?
You might as well ask me if I feel sorry for the maggots I grind into my morning coffee.
[laughs] That's how I feel too. Listen, I gotta go.
Make me proud, Stan.
[woman] Come on, baby! Do it to me!
[Popper] Oh, yeah! [woman] Are you using me?
[Popper] No! [woman] Don't you love me?
[Popper] Yeah! [woman] Show me!
[phone rings] [shouting]
Do you love me? Yeah. Hello. Hey!
Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah.
Hi, Stan. Yeah. I think I have good news.
[woman] Do you love me? Yeah. I think the... I think the...
The Madam Foreman is just one orgasm away from giving you your appeal.
[Stan] That's great, Lew. And gross.
Heard from Mindy or her attorney?
But don't say I don't earn my money. [laughs]
Hi, fellas. I don't believe I ordered Chinese.
I guess I could go for a little pot-sticker.
[Shorts] Who are you writing to?
No one special.
You've been sitting there for a while writing to no one special.
You know, Stan, I've been here for a long time. I can handle a lot of things.
Like having to spend the rest of my life in this shithole.
But there's one thing I do regret.
I could never make it work with Miyoshi.
Oh, she was the only person who ever loved me for me.
I was too pigheaded to realise it.
[sighs] I'd give anything to change the way I behaved.
How did you behave?
I killed her.
Alcohol wasn't something that always brought out the best in me, Stan.
[Stan] Dear Mindy, I've been thinking a lot about you lately.
I realise now that you were right.
I was pigheaded and selfish.
Leaving me was probably the best thing for you.
And I'm truly sorry.
I never should have hurt you.
I know now why you wanted to have a baby with me.
It's just another way for us to love each other even more deeply.
I hope, someday, you'll be able to forgive me.
Love always, Stan.
[The Master] Hey, baby.
Now, I know all of you want to get back to your weightlifting and basketball and masturbating, so I'm gonna try to keep this short. All right?
I am throwing away all of these violent video games and movies.
Don't do that! No! Come on, man!
From now on, I want you guys watching more wholesome entertainment.
And frankly, a lot of the rap music you brothers listen to was too hateful towards women. [all laughing]
What is up with that? You like women, right?
Now, on the other hand, the Mexicans are onto something with mariachi and salsa music.
It's positive, easy to dance to and you never get tired of it.
Shorts, give us a taste. Here we go.
[salsa music plays]
[man singing in Spanish]
All right. All right, all right. [music stops]
That's Afro-Cuban. I asked for mariachi. But you get the point.
All right? Now, lastly, and most importantly, from now on, there will be no more rape at this prison.
[all shouting] No, no!
That's right. Anyone who rapes another inmate will have to answer to me. [man] Boo!
[Stan] I will not be kind.
Excuse me, Big Stan. Yes, Juanito.
Why you putting your nose where it don't belong?
My men are aggressive and hard.
Sometimes they need a way to work off that excess energy. What's it to you?
OK. Well, first off, good question. Thank you.
What is it to me? Well, frankly, I just don't like it.
And let me show you why. Robbie, come up here.
You, Robbie the hippie. Come up here.
All right, all right. Robbie, how long is your sentence here at Oaksburg?
Five to ten. Five to ten years.
What exactly did you do to earn that sentence?
I sold marijuana. [laughter]
A shitload of marijuana. [cheering]
Thanks, Robbie. Go sit down.
He sold marijuana. He was a marijuana dealer.
I'm not here to argue about drug policy. I don't think they're tough enough.
But just because Robbie was guilty of selling dope doesn't mean he deserves to get raped up the ass every day for ten years.
I just don't think that's fair.
[murmuring] Some of you are here because you're habitual drunk drivers. Some of you have a fondness for crack.
[laughing, murmuring] Some of you robbed a bank.
I'm talking to you, Lee Otis. [laughing]
But that doesn't mean you should get raped. It's just not fair.
Yes, Carnahan. What about guys convicted of rape?
Can we rape them? [all] Yeah!
Rape the rapists. Seems appropriate.
Punishment fitting the crime and all. Go ahead.
[cheering] [man] That's what I'm talkin' about.
How about them child molesters? [all] Yeah!
Yeah, them too. Good point. Anyone else?
[Big Raymond] Big Stan!
What about the counterfeiters? [all] What?
Counterfeiters? Big Raymond, you're the only counterfeiter here.
Wait a minute. Do you just want somebody to...
OK, here's another thing we gotta clear up.
There's a difference between homosexual sex and rape.
Now, Big Raymond. Hm?
There's someone here who wants to have sex with you.
[man] Not me! OK? How about it, anyone?
Great! Man! [giggles]
You two have fun. But wear protection.
[cheering] [Big Raymond] OK.
All right, grow up. Look, if you've got a problem with that, then that's...
Now, those two are about to have consensual homosexual sex.
A beautiful, beautiful thing. The total opposite of rape, which is not allowed. Except for rapists and molesters?
We can still rape them. No, you can't.
[all] What? I changed my mind.
Bad habit. Quit cold turkey.
[all yelling] If you're not happy with it, you're welcome to fight me. [groaning]
I didn't think so. All right, you're dismissed.
Good speech. You think?
I should have opened with a joke. No, it was good.
Yeah? Yeah. Sorry about the mariachi.
Let it go.
Hey, Big Stan. Check out the lovebirds.
One for you! [giggles]
Mm! One for you.
Good for them.
I have something important to show you.
Let me eat, will you?
Hey, Big Stan.
Can we talk? Make it quick.
I wanna thank you for what you did out there.
I didn't do anything... Don't say you didn't do it for me.
Because you did, didn't you?
A little. Well, thanks.
Yeah. Thanks, man. [Juanito] Julio!
Get back here! What's up with you? [speaks Spanish]
Hey, Big Stan. I like what you said.
I wanna join your gang.
I don't have a gang. Yes, you do.
OK, you're in.
[man clears throat] Me too?
Yeah, you too. [giggling]
All of you. Thanks.
[laughing] Yeah! Ow!
All right, can I eat now?
[Big Raymond] Yes, you did! He's gotta eat.
I told you I had something important to show you.
She wants to see me.
[♪ Los Niños de Sara: La Cubanita]
Try to get along, huh?
Excuse me, man. No, that was my bad.
No, really. It was my fault.
There's a pickup game of hoops later, if you wanna play.
I'd like that.
Happy birthday. Ah! Thank you!
Oh, look, a shiv! Yeah!
Hey, homes. Mm! Mm!
Stanley! Honey bear!
I loved your letter!
[Mindy laughs] I missed you so much.
Before we go any further, there's three little words I need to hear.
I was wrong? Good boy!
It looks like a nursery school picnic out there.
What do you mean, it's Minton? Well, first he banned rape.
It's to the point that anybody gets beat up, they run and join Minton's gang and Minton beats up the bad guy.
The truth, he's got them too scared to look at each other funny.
We ain't had a fight in three days. I thought I saw Ingleberg fight that big Mexican yesterday, Jesus.
Oh, no, that was more in the nature of a lovers' quarrel.
Ingleberg forgot their two-week anniversary.
That wasn't very nice of him, was it?
Well, they made up. You should have seen the cake Ingleberg made.
It was special... You get out of here right now and get Minton up here! You understand me? I mean right now!
Now hurry! [door closes]
I'm not just saying this, but I think that was the most amazing sex we've ever had. [giggles]
I guess being away from me this long made you crazy.
Well, yes, I guess. The Master's opened my eyes, sexually.
He showed me all these different positions in the Kama Sutra.
The Master? You been seeing him? Yeah, he's staying at the house.
I've learned about massage and strengthening my Kegels.
[knocking on door] That sleazy son of a bitch!
[Bullard] Minton, time's up. But Stan, I...
Warden wants to see you now! Wait. I don't want you to see him.
You tell Master Dickface I'm gonna get out of here soon and kick his ass!
Don't tell him. You're not allowed to see him.
I said now, convict!
Minton! Not allowed to see him!
I love you, sweetie-cakes! Let's go.
[Gasque] I'll bet you didn't know I was part psychic.
That's right. I'm able to see into the future.
I didn't realise. Let me tell you what's going to happen one week from today.
The board of governors is gonna come to inspect the prison.
And something awful happens.
Some prisoners find a way to smuggle weapons into the yard.
And a full-scale riot breaks out.
And as the prison board watches in absolute horror, my men are forced to shoot into the yard in order to end the melee.
In the ensuing scandal, the Board chooses to sell the property to a Vietnamese family based in San Pedro.
And everybody lives happily ever after.
Now, if the events that I foretold do not come to fruition...
...I will be very disappointed.
And when I get disappointed, Mr. Deng over there likes to stomp on men's spines like they was bubble wrap.
I spent 35 years of my life in this stinking cesspool.
And I will not walk away without something to show for it.
Your little prison reform ends right now.
You play ball, you might get yourself a parole hearing.
How many will get killed?
Who cares? They're all animals.
Escort Mr. Minton back to his cell. Yes, sir. Come on, Minton.
Stan, you ever have two Asian men pounding your balls after sex with a questionably attractive older woman?
No, I can't say I have, Lew.
Madam Foreman won't return any of my calls.
You better go for that deal the warden offered you.
So there's nothing else I can do? I'm sorry, pal. It's over.
You're in real danger.
Get yourself out of there as soon as you can.
Tell the warden I'll take his deal.
I want out of here.
[salsa music plays] [shouting]
Hey, Stan. The Nazis were saying the Virgin Mary tortilla's a fake.
That's not cool, homes. Hey, the Nazis were saying the Virgin Mary has no power.
Constantine was pacifying the Byzantine priest by giving him a goddess to pray to. They've been watching the History Channel.
What? What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not gonna do anything about it.
What's up with him, man?
Hey, Stan. Stan!
The Brazilians won't stop calling Farib an Arab.
I'm not an Arab! I'm Persian.
What do I care? You look like an Arab.
Hey, listen up! All of you!
You're all on your own! You hear me?
I don't care what any of you do to each other!
Hey, you guys!
An interracial book club.
You guys all hate each other. So stop pretending you don't.
You don't know about Macbeth. Fuck you, motherfucker!
Yeah, that's more like it. Yes, sir.
We need to talk.
I thought you cared about us.
Well, I don't.
[Patterson] Hey, little cracker.
Why don't you sit over here, my little white brother.
Here, have mine.
I'm gonna need to shave your head.
Put a couple little tattoos on your forehead, huh?
Come on, eat up.
I was wrong about you.
We all were.
Stay out of the yard tomorrow. You hear me?
D-block houses some of our most hardened offenders.
But here, we have Oaksburg's greatest rehabilitation story.
Stan Minton. Stan, I'd like for you to meet the board of governors.
Not going in the yard today, Stan?
I don't feel well, warden. Maybe this will make you feel better.
Due to Stan's exemplary behaviour, the parole board has agreed to meet with him today.
Well, we better be moving along.
The shit goes down at 12.30.
At 12.35, I'm in the real estate business.
I'll deal with you in a minute. Everything OK?
Both of you.
[woman] Next up is prisoner 5824.
In the matter of Stanley Minton. You have your files.
[woman] In his time here, Minton has accrued an exemplary record.
And let it be noted, he's a first-time non-violent offender.
Before we vote, Mr. Minton, is there anything you'd like to add?
I'd just like to say, um... [clears throat]
...I've really learned a lot.
And I'm ready to get back to work.
[woman] Good, we like to hear that.
Here's the yard where the prisoners come to exercise.
That's where Charlie the Fly tried to fly over the wall. [laughs]
Well, in light of Warden Gasque's recommendation, I think we have a pretty clear-cut case for parole.
How would you feel about getting out of here today?
Did I mention I'm in real estate?
[laughs] I got my eye on some property real close by here I can't wait to develop. Hm. That's commendable.
You know, while I was in here, also, I joined a biker gang.
Anyway, they said when I get out, they'd love to camp next to the grammar school near here.
I hope that's not a problem.
They're pretty cool guys, except when they drink and do crystal meth.
Which is almost every weekend.
But most of the people I sell to, they don't need to know about that.
'Cause, uh, they're old ladies, mostly. Not too good with fine print, if you get my drift.
Tell me, is your grandma still alive? I bet I could make her a sweet deal.
By the time I'm through with her, she'll give hand jobs behind the pharmacy to pay for arthritis medication.
Two at a time, you know? Stuff you see in pornos.
Anyway, that's a nice top you have on. Seriously.
Mind lowering it? I'd love to see some boobage.
Let me see that, woman. That's sexy. Let me see that.
Let me touch one of them. Let me touch one of them. Can I? Please?
Parole denied! Take him back to his cell!
What colour are your nipples? I bet they're pink! Light brown?
Dollar size or quarter?
Stan, did we win?
Let go of me. I'm in a hurry.
Have no fear, Stanley.
I will continue to take care of your wife while you're gone.
Thanks a lot, pal. No thanks needed.
I cherish Mindy's company.
Since my addiction to cigarettes made me impotent, I've had very little contact with the fair sex.
I used to think smoking was cool, but a limp dick spells nerd in any language.
You're impotent. That's great! Not really.
Baby, I love you. I'll write to you as soon as I can.
That's my boy.
Love you, baby!
He's running! Code red!
Watch the prisoners file in.
The Master has taught you well.
Don't tell me. You studied with The Master too?
I am his number one. [scoffs] I didn't see that coming.
There are many things you will not see coming.
Oh, really? Like what?
Whoa. Take it easy. I have been taking it easy.
[man] I wanna break me off some chocolate.
[man 2] Come on, hold the line.
Top you up here? Thank you very much.
How are you doing? [indistinct chatter]
I don't think The Master prepares you for this.
Here comes the eagle.
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
Are those weapons?
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
Somebody didn't strengthen their titties.
It looks like a riot.
I celebrated too early! Ah!
Warden, can't you do anything to stop this?
Bullard, prepare to fire. [cocks gun]
Finger of death.
I don't know if The Master prepared you for this.
Ready to dance, motherfuckers? Handle your shit, bitch!
Fire at will.
[salsa music plays]
Why aren't you firing?
Fire that weapon. I can't do it, boss.
Well, why the hell not?
They're just dancing.
Give me that rifle.
What the hell are you doing?
[Gasque] Restoring order.
They've clearly lost their minds.
Warden, it's over.
Look at all these witnesses.
It's over, warden.
You did this to me.
Where did that come from? What do you think I've been doing with The Master for the last six months?
[sighs] Thank God.
You did good with Dang.
But you're still my number two student.
Number two? She'll kick your ass.
I might like that.
Kick! Double punch! [all] Yah!
Kick! Double punch! [all] Yah!
It's time, Minton. Just a minute, warden.
Looks great, guys. Thanks, Robbie.
OK, everybody, I gotta go now.
[all groaning] I'll miss you too.
I want you guys to be especially nice to our newest inmate and best disbarred lawyer in the world, Lew Popper.
Welcome aboard! Lew!
Is the ban on rape still in effect? I'm pretty sure.
[chuckles] [Shorts] Hey!
Permission to give Big Stan a group hug.
Permission granted. Come on, gang!
Hey, little homey, thanks for giving me my teeth back.
My pleasure. [speaks Spanish]
Where you going, cracker? I'm going home, man.
I think Big Stan is staying here. Oh, yeah?
[♪ Los Niños de Sara: Vagabundo]
[Patterson] I'm Big Stan. No more rape. [laughs]
Aw, very creepy.
Be good, huh?
[Big Raymond] Hey. Hey.
Big man. Bye, Big Stan.
Where's Mindy Junior? In the car.
She's being kind of a brat. Isn't the nanny helping?
Yeah. I think he still sneaks cigarettes.
Yeah? I'll talk to him.
Hi, precious. Hi, The Master.
Say hello to your father, child. Hi.
Rumour is you're sneaking smokes. Shh.
How's her technique? She stinks.
But so did you at first.
You sure? I don't remember that.
[Mindy] Stan! OK, baby.
[Mindy] Let's go, sweetie!