Bill Maher... But I'm Not Wrong (2010) Script

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

♪ ♪ Okay, thank you.


Thank you. That's okay.

Thank you. You're so kind.



Thank you so m--

Oh, wow, what a...

[cheers and applause]

Thank you for that screaming ovation.

I mean, uh, oh, I-I--

Oh, I picked the right city this time, I tell ya.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, it's true. I liked...

I--you know-- woman: We love you, Bill!

Thank you.


Thank you, sir.


All right, I get it.

You're only flesh and vagina but please, I've got to do a show now.

But, you know, we--we love the South.

"We," like I have a backup band.

Yeah, me and my crew, we love the--

Because, you know, they're not politically correct.

That's what I love about them.

They have fun. They laugh.

You know, they don't boo.


And, you know, ever since the Great Recession began, I've started every show with a prayer.



How ridiculous.

No, with a thank-you, because in this economic time, you know, it is-- you know, a dollar is a hard thing to come by, I know.

I better be fucking good.


I know this.

Because I tell you, your boy John Edwards said one thing right.

He did.

He said, "There are two Americas."

And he was getting laid in both.

I love this guy.



[cheers and applause]

He wrote a cute card today.

He rhymed "pert breast" with "DNA test."

I think that's...

But, you know, they say the--


They say the recession is over.

I--you know, come on.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, "If this van's a-rockin', it's 'cause we live here now."


You know, I mean, that's one thing you can say about Americans.

They take a lot of shit.

What is it gonna take-- someday soon, I hope, people are gonna rise up and kill bankers.

[cheers and applause]


[chuckles] I tell ya.

Poor bankers.

They're not feeling the love these days.

At my branch, when you make a deposit now, the teller puts her tits on the glass, you know?


Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?


You know, Osama bin Laden once said that one of his goals for al-Qaeda was to bankrupt America.

Well, sorry, big guy.

A Jew named Bernie Madoff beat you to it.


You know.


No, we did it to ourselves.

Like Bernie Madoff-- this always kills me.

People say, "Where did all the money go?"

I'll tell you where the money went.

It never existed in the first place, because America doesn't make anything anymore.

That's the little secret about our economy.

What have we made lately? man: War. War.


And Snuggies.

[laughter and applause]


That's what we make: bullshit.

Snuggies and ShamWows and Flowbees and Bedazzlers and boner pills and Botox and fucking, you know, pizza with cheese in the crust.


You know, it's a whole industry.

How can we get cheese into things?

How can we get cheese into Hanukkah or a snow tire?

You know, it's like, how much manpower went into thinking about bra technology over the last decade?

Wonderbras and miracle bras and water bras.

It's just pushing the tits up.

Am I wrong?

Am I missing a big thing about this industry?

Just pushing the tits together and up.


So the boner pills have something to work with, you know?

I mean, the whole economy is just about keeping people hard.

It really is.


You know that they-- they sell something now--

I'm not kidding-- called a talking tombstone.

That's right.

Before you go, you record a cassette, a little message in a cassette, which they then put into your headstone so that when people approach your grave, you're yakking.


You know what? You're dead.

Let someone else talk is really how I feel about that one.

I mean, it's no wonder we owe China a trillion dollars.

I opened a fortune cookie the other day.

It said, "Pay up, deadbeat."


Or--our secretary of state used to go over to China and lecture them about human rights, you know?

Now it's just, "I'll suck your dick."

That's just-- it's just an I'll-suck-your-dick economy, you know?

That's our foreign policy.

That's our economy.

But hey, at least now we have a plan for recovery that doesn't involve Jesus coming back.


[cheers and applause]

That's something.

We're gonna stimulate our way out of trouble.

We got a stimulus program.

I mean, yeah, we are spending a metric fuck-ton of money.


But, you know, it's not for shits and giggles.

We have to spend this money anyway, 'cause this country fell apart in the last 30 years.

Ever since they started giving all the money to the top 1%, the roads, the bridges, the infrastructure, the electrical, health care, the environment, it all went to shit.

This country-- this country reminds me of the time I went to buy mushrooms.


It's a true story.

In the early '80s, I remember I went to buy mushrooms from the drug dealer.

My friend Rich and I, we were young comics in New York, you know, living in little fucking rat-infested boxes.

And, you know, we went to the drug dealer's apartment.

I was very impressed.

It was this big apartment on the East Side, and, you know, it was all lit by candles and...


I mean, I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer, but I didn't do coke.

I didn't.

I never understood that drug.

If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work.

[laughter and applause]

But I-- [laughs]

I was there to buy mushrooms, which I considered a good drug and consider a good drug to this day.

[cheers and applause]

But, you know, I remember I was very impressed with this guy with the long hair and the candles, and I got outside; I said to my friend, "Boy, that guy was so cool with all the candles."

He said, "You moron, he has no electricity."


He said-- I'll never forget this--

"He put the electrical bill up his nose."


And that's what America did in the last 30 years.

We put the electrical bill up our nose.

And I love the Republicans now.

They're like, "Boy, we can't afford things like health care.

Some asshole ran up the debt."


"I don't know how it happened, but..."

[cheers and applause]

You know, I--look.

No, it's okay.

It's not a rally.

I mean, I have my issues with this president, but he did inherit a mess like no president ever.

He--he--it was--

[cheers and applause]

He is the maid after Led Zeppelin has been in the room, you know what I mean?



And what I give him unequivocal props for is that what he has been able to do just by presidential decree, right away, he did.

You know, we're closing Guantanamo Bay.

We can have stem cell research again.

We can talk to other countries.

We don't teach abstinence in the schools.

You know.

You can't change the world in a day, but you can try to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture, you know?

[laughter and applause]

Oh, I know.

Oh, I know you know.

I know you know.

But the right wing, they just hate it when I call America stupid.

This bugs them like you can't believe.

What they never understand is that I don't wish America was stupid.


But it is stupid.

But those are two thoughts.

You know, that's-- that's one more than they can really handle.

But I don't hate America.

I love America.

Thomas Jefferson lived in America, and Mark Twain lived in America and Billie Holiday and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of.


[cheers and applause]


You see, I have love for America in perspective.

At least, I would think so.

You know, they have this rock-hard erection for America.

They have this uncritical, childlike love of America, where to even question it, considering how superduper star-spangled awesome we are, is--it's just kind of wrong, you know, so they're always getting their panties in a bunch about some stupid sentimental, symbolic bullshit.

Like, I remember the first week in office, they "got" a picture of Obama--

'cause it's a big scandal-- in the Oval Office without his suit coat on.

Oh, fuck, call 911.


You know, 'cause Bush never took his jacket off in the Oval Office, and Reagan never did.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

This is something people do when they're working.


Yes, when they're working, they take their coat off.


It's not a slippery slope.

You know, like, oh, yeah, one day, he takes his coat off, and the next day, he comes in with cornrows and a neck tattoo, you know?


There's a black light poster of Pam Grier where the bust of Teddy Roosevelt used to be, and...


"Where's the president?"

"He's throwing dice in the Rose Garden.

"He's out behind the Laundromat.

It's terrible what's happened to America since..."

You know, they have this...


It's all sentimental.

Like, you know, Michelle Obama, one of Barack Obama's many wives...


'Cause you know he's a Muslim from Kenya.

You know this.

But she committed the ultimate crime against the Right.

She said the thing they can never forgive.

During the campaign, she said that she was proud of her country for the first time in her life.


I almost dropped the Bible...


That I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.


Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

You're-- we're surrounded by rednecks if you drive 30 miles out.

Come on, I--


You know what I'm talking--

But proud of her country for the first time?

Why don't you just say, "Let's go skull-fuck Billy Graham on the face of Mount Rushmore..."


"And Martha Washington eats pussy"?


That is a thought crime against apple pie, and she needs to wash her mouth out with the blood of Ronald Reagan which was shed for us all.


But come on.

I mean, girlfriend does kind of have a point, you know?

She's only been an adult 25 years.

Haven't been exactly our best years.

Highlights include impeaching a dude for his penis...


And electing the cowboy from "Toy Story" twice.



[cheers and applause]

But honestly, for the longest time, every Republican election has been based on some sentimental bullshit: the flag or the flag pin or the Pledge or, "It's morning in America."

Bill Clinton got a blow job in the Oval Office.

[imitates sobbing]

And the Dixie Chicks insulted President Bush on foreign soil, and when that happens, it hurts the feelings of our troops, and then Tinker Bell's light goes out and she dies.


Yeah, so-- yes, the love of our troops, the ultimate in fake patriotism.

Are you kidding?

The troops?

We pay them like shit.

We fuck them and trick them on deployments.

We nickel-and-dime them on medical care when they get home, not to mention the stupid wars that we send them to.

Yeah, we love the troops the way Michael Vick loves dogs.


You know what?

[cheers and applause]

You know how I would feel supported if I was a troop overseas?

If the people back home were clamoring to get me out of this pointless errand.

That's how I would feel supported.

[cheers and applause]

But, you know...


Don't hold your breath on that one, fellas, 'cause, you know, when America invades a country, oh, we love you long time.


Seriously, we never-- we leave like Irish relatives: not at all.


We have tens of thousands of troops in Korea and Japan.

We have over 50,000 troops in Germany.


Ladies and gentlemen, I think we got him.


You know, why are we doubling down on Afghanistan?

I think I lost the thread on this one.

I do.

You know, bin Laden attacked us, and then we got him.

Oh, no, we didn't.

Okay. Okay.

But he was in Afghanistan, so we invaded Afghanistan to get him, but we didn't, and then he moved to Pakistan, but we're still in Afghanistan because-- and that's where I lose the thread.


And I'm not the only one, 'cause I know the media, when they cover this story, when they get to that point, that's when they go to the video of the terrorist training camp, and they're on the monkey bars, you know, just...


Monkey bars, like it's supposed to scare the shit out of me.

"Oh, fuck, there are some people reading the Koran

"who are on monkey bars.

Something's gonna blow up."

I mean, come on.

I mean, do you even have to be in shape to do that line of work?

I mean, are terrorists like, "Does this suicide belt make me look fat?

"Because I want to be in the best shape of my life

"for this jihad.

I want people to say he was..."


You know, these "plots" that the government is always bragging about that they stopped before we got blown up-- give me a break.

Like, Bush used to always brag about the "Liberty Seven."

You know, these seven black guys in Liberty City, Miami, who were "planning" on blowing up the Sears Tower in Chicago.

Well, you know, they didn't even have a gun.


Probably the only seven black guys in Miami without a gun, but they were "planning" on blowing up the--

You know, in the same way that Spanky and Our Gang were "planning" on building a spaceship.


These guys, they couldn't blow up the Sears catalog.

I mean...

Blow up the Sears Tower, right.

Well, that was-- that was plan A.

Plan B was just to fuck up one Sears store, you know, just-- and just the home and garden department, you know, just...


They were gonna buy a dress, wear it once, and return it.


You know, the whole time Guantanamo Bay has been open, we have convicted three guys, the most senior of which was bin Laden's driver. woman: Whoo!

Whoo, yes, that's what they said on FOX News.

Whoo, and they've been crowing about it for months.

"Yeah, we got bin Laden's-- we got the man who took orders from Osama bin Laden."

Uh, yeah, orders like, "Pull up a little."


"Take the bridge. It's faster."

You know...


It's funny, this guy who, you know-- the Underoo Bomber, I call him.


Remember, on Christmas, you know, he was gonna blow up that flight, you know?

And right after, Rudy Giuliani comes out, and he says, "Well, you know, when Bush was president, we never had a terrorist attack."



The way they rewrite history.

"Oh, that one time. Sure.

"Well, I mean, if you're gonna count that.

"Fuck, every president deserves a mulligan.

I mean..."


You know, the bottom line is, it's stupid to use the army, as we're doing, to fight terrorism.

They don't have an army.

They have exploding underwear, you know?

Iraq, the only thing I would say about that is, next time we go to war for oil, get some oil.


[cheers and applause]

You know, we didn't have to torture people to beat the Nazis.

We didn't have to tap phones to beat the Soviet Union.

But I live in a country now where I assume every call, you know, is tapped.

I treat every call like a drug call.


I do.

Remember the old drug call?

"Yeah, I'd like two shirts, please."


"And no seeds in the shirts this time."

Don't you hate it when there were seeds in your shirts?

Aw, you kids today.

You don't remember the seeds, you punks.

You just go to the store and buy it, but we had to deal with seeds.


Boy, there--there's another war that never ends, right?

The drug war?

I-I'd just like to point out that Keith Richards is alive...


And Michael Jackson is dead.


[audience groans]

I know, I know, but I'm not wrong, okay?

No, we all loved Michael Jackson, but it is so ridiculous how America is obsessed with finding out what killed Michael Jackson.

"Put his doctor on trial.

"We got to get to the bottom of this.

"How could a constantly anesthetized, drug-addicted, noseless skeleton..."


"Have slipped away from us so suddenly?"

[cheers and applause]

Oh, America.

I could never leave you.

You amuse me.

You're like my dog: dumb as a post, but you make me laugh.


I just have a different view of health than mainstream America.

People know this, you know?

Michael Jackson's autopsy report, it said he was in good health.


To me, he looked a little pale.


I don't know.


And, you know, at Michael Jackson's memorial-- which, by the way, was a kick-ass music extravaganza in the middle of the day on free TV, but okay--

Stevie Wonder got up, and he said, "We needed Michael here on Earth, but God needed him more."

And I remember thinking, "Really?"


God needs people?

God needs singers?

God's up there going, "Oh, fuck, there's nothing on."


"There's never anything on.

"I'm tired of Sinatra and Elvis, Andy Williams.

"Get that Michael Jackson up here.

"I used to love that moonwalk thing he did.

"Get that motherfucker up here.

He's gonna entertain me."

[cheers and applause]

So--okay, so this brings me to the part of the show that's about religion.

Now, I usually do not enj--

[cheers and applause]



I usually do not introduce topics, but believe it or not, even at this point, people walk out when I talk about this.

You'd think it comes pre-advertised, but, you know.

But I'm just saying this--

In case you are thinking of walking out, I just want you to know two things.

One, uh, that, uh, until this point, it was a pretty good show.


I mean, you can't deny that, okay?

[cheers and applause]

No, no, no, I'm not...

I'm just saying this, if you walk out, you'll at least have seen a half hour.

You know, they can be like, "Oh, all right."


But also, I'm not gonna talk about it forever, okay?

Just a few minutes.

Indulge me.

I don't have to gild the lily.

I've made my points on this subject.

I know "Religulous" played in Raleigh.

There was a lot of--

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Let me tell you something.

There was a lot of Southern states where that movie--

I got a lot of messages from people that said, "I had to drive 300 miles to see this movie," and I used to always say, "Well, that's good practice for when you need an abortion, because..."


"That's probably the same 300 miles you're gonna have to..."

So let me just answer a couple of the criticisms that were leveled at me for making this infamnia, uh, 'cause I think they were bullshit, and the first one was, "Oh, Bill, you're such a meanie.

"Why do you have to go after religion?

"It gives people comfort.

It doesn't hurt anything."


Okay, well, other than most wars, the Crusades, the Inquisition, 9/11, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girls' schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor rape, human sacrifice, burning witches, suicide bombings, condoning slavery, and the systematic fucking of children...

[cheers and applause]

There's a few little things that I have a problem with, so...

Okay, again, not a rally, and I see people in the front row like, "Fuck you, Bill Maher.

"When my wife dragged me to this show, I expected a little something different."


A sweater-vest in 2010, that...


Let me guess, Republican?

But anyway.


But I think I know the reason that the god who doesn't exist put me on Earth.

I do.

I think it's-- it's to make that connection for people who say, "It doesn't do any harm."

So let me give you some practical examples, okay?

Number one, the pope, who I love.

I'm not knocking the pope.

He's a fantastic Catholic celebrity.


He is.

He's--the pope-- this is true-- the pope has a Facebook page.

That's true. I'm not making that up.

The creepy thing is, under relationship status, he put "It's complicated."

That's--that's the creepy thing, but...

[laughter and applause]

But--but the pope, last year, went to Africa for a reunion with Rommel.

No, I'm kidding.

It's just a joke.

Again, I'm not after--


No, it's a joke.

See, the thing-- I'm not after the pope.

By the same token, when it's the pope, I don't pause to make a joke, okay?

He's just a man.

He puts his dress on one leg at a time like everybody else.

He's not holier than us

'cause he, you know, wears a costume.

I could buy a pointy hat.

I just don't.

Okay, but I'm not mad at the pope for that.

He wasn't a Nazi.

But what I'm mad at him for is going to the continent most ravaged by AIDS and telling them they couldn't use condoms, so don't tell me religion doesn't do any actual harm.

All right, not a rally.

Thank you.

Not a rally.

But here's another example-- very practical, closer to home-- stem cell research.

Now, as you know, for the last eight years, we couldn't have stem cell research because President Larry the Cable Guy...


Not funny, I know.


Cock-blocked stem cell research, because, you know, when he got into office, he asked a very important question.

He said, "What is stem cell research?"


And they sat him down, and they explained, when a daddy loves a mommy very much...


But, you know, what is a stem cell?

It's a microscopic specklet of goo in a petri dish, or, as the conservatives call it, "a baby."



Except it's not a baby.

You know how I know this?

Because you know what they do with it?

They freeze it.

They put it in the freezer.

You can't do that with a baby, okay?

I mean, I don't know a lot about babies.

I've never even touched a baby.

But I know you can't put one in the freezer.

You know how I know this?

Because if Americans could do that, oh, they would.


Oh, oh, absolutely.

There are yuppie couples who'd be like, "Jeez, we're so busy this month."


"Fuck, and we've always wanted to see Italy, you know?

"Just put the baby in the freezer.

When we get back from the trip, we'll thaw it out, you know?"


Okay, here's the last thing I'll say about this, and then I'll get off it.

But in a recent poll, 61% of Americans agreed with the statement, "Religion solves all or most of my problems," which is great except for one little thing: it doesn't.

Oh, yeah, that's right, it doesn't.

You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.


[cheers and applause]

It is.

We fear different things.

I fear climate change.

They fear a demon in a red bodysuit with a pitchfork.


I fear terrorists getting a nuclear bomb into the Port of Long Beach.

Uh, they fear not getting picked when their imaginary friend comes back for the Rapture.


You know, the, "Oh, I was in the bathroom, "and the Rapture came.

Fuck, I..."

Here's a frightening statistic.

One out of four Americans believes that Jesus will return to Earth in their lifetime.

See, that's religion: ego masquerading as humility.

"Jesus is coming back.

"Of course he's gonna want to meet me.

"Hi, Jesus.

Bob Flemstein. Big fan."


"Big fan; I know you're crazy busy

"with the Rapture and everything, but could you sign?"


"I don't want to be that guy, but..."

So, you know, people come up to me all the time, and they say, "Bill, I'm with you.

"I saw your movie.

"We're right here.

"You know, I don't believe in that crazy biblical nonsense, just the central story."


Oh, you mean the stupidest part?

[chortles] I mean, come on.

"God had a son."

I mean, time-out right there.

God had a son?

He's powerful beyond all imagination, he exists in a realm above time and space, but he has kids?


What is this, "Bonanza"?

He has a son.

God had a son, and he said to him, "Jesus, I'm sending you down to Earth on a suicide mission."


"But don't worry; they can't kill you because you're really me."


"But it is gonna hurt for a few days.

"I'm not gonna lie about that, son.

"There's about three days you're gonna hate me, "but I'm doing this for you.

"I mean me. What am I saying?

"I'm me. You're me. You're you.

"I'd go myself, but I have you--me!

What am I saying? Anyway..."


"All right.


[cheers and applause]

"Now, Jesus, here's the plan.

"I, God the father, wink-wink, "I'll go down to Earth first.

"You see, we'll split up the work, "'cause there's two of us.

"Not really!

"I'll go down to Earth, and I'll see if I can't

"find a virgin Palestinian woman to impregnate

"so that she can give birth to you.

"I mean me!

What am I saying?"

It's like Faye Dunaway in "Chinatown."

My sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter.

I mean, it is one of the silliest stories I've ever heard, but I don't mean to offend.


But, you know, I-- look, I get it.

Jesus was a cool guy with the hippie philosophy and the long walks on the water that turned into fishing trips with the guys.

I--you know, I'm down with all that, but, you know, it doesn't sound crazy, that story, to us because we're used to it.

It's been around for 2,000 years.

To really understand how wack religion is, you have to look at the new religions, which, for this country, is Mormons and Scientologists, who I think should merge and make Mormontology.


But that's where you really see it, because for example, every religion has a creation myth.

You know what the Scientology creation myth is?

They think that 12 trillion years ago-- a time frame no scientists believe exists, but okay--

12 trillion years ago, a galactic warrior named Xenu was looking to depopulate his planet, so he took all the souls to Earth, buried them under volcanoes, and blew them up later with atom bombs.

Now, just for a moment, imagine the balls it takes to stand in front of another human being and tell them what happened

12 trillion years ago.

And I don't mean in general terms, like the planets were cooling.

I mean he knows the dude's name.



"Oh, yeah, that cat, from 12 trillion?

Yes, of course, Xenu."


I mean, if someone tells you this story, the only logical response is to say, "Well, I guess anything's possible," and then backpedal while maintaining a smile and dialing 911 in your pocket, 'cause that's fucking crazy.

So, you know, Jesus, Xenu, either you believe in ghosts, or you don't.

People say, "What's the harm with religion?"

It's mass delusion.

Anytime there's mass delusion, bad things do follow.

So I'll get off that now, but, you know, mass delusion, we have it in politics too.

I don't know if it's exactly separated, but I saw a recent poll.

58% of Republicans don't think Barack Obama is an American because he has a "birth certificate" that looks exactly like everyone else's.


But no, he's not an American, Hawaii's not a state, and they'd like to give him a blood test.

He might be a werewolf.


You know what?

I will show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

How about that?

[cheers and applause]


As a comedian, you can always depend on Sarah Palin to take a drink of water.

That's what I--that's what I love about this bitch.

Okay, but, um--


But, you know, I mean, a lot of this birther stuff is obviously just racism.

It's funny the way...

[cheers and applause]

Racism has really grown up, if you will, you know, from the Jim Crow days.

You know, it's just a lot more subtle.

You know, it's-- during the campaign-- last campaign, I remember in Pennsylvania, a northern state, something like 10% of the people told pollsters-- that is, they said right out in public-- that they were "not ready" for a black president, you know, and the media treated this very neutral.

"Oh, yeah, not ready, you know, nothing racist there.

"I just--not-- not ready, you know?

The man's not ready, you know."

"I'm not ready, please.

"I'm very fragile right now.

"Maybe in ten years, I could bear the sight

"of a black man getting on 'Air Force One,' but right now, I'm--I'm not ready."


You know, I mean, look.

Conservatives, they are-- I know so many of them.

They do my show.

They're nice people, so many of them, so nice, but they do have a blind spot about race, which is why they-- the only racism they can see now is reverse racism, right?

This was the big problem with Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is that she was a reverse racist.

Yes, that's the problem.

For too long, Puerto Rican women have had their boot on the neck of the white man.


[cheers and applause]

But I'm telling you, the conservatives, they're nice people.

They don't see it that way.

They don't dislike Sonia Sotomayor as a woman or a person or a cleaning lady, you know?


It's just that, you know, you have to understand the teabagger mind-set.

They have this nostalgia for this America that they think was stolen from us, that used to be, that was better.

It's really the 1950s, okay?

That's what they think was Shangri-La, and, you know, what they never get is that it's kind of insulting to a lot of Americans to pine for this era, 'cause it wasn't that good for a lot of people.

It was good if you were a white man.

It wasn't that good if you were Mexican or black or Jewish or disabled or gay or a woman.

I mean... you know that--

[cheers and applause]

You know that in the 1950s, the big sitcom was "The Honeymooners," right?

And every week, Ralph Kramden, at some point in the show, when Alice got under his skin, would say, "To the moon, Alice!"

That's right.

America's biggest sitcom star would basically say, "You stupid cunt, "if you continue to annoy me, "I'm going to punch you in the face.

"I'm going to ball up my fist

"and punch you in the fucking face until you hit another planet," and America was completely cool with this.

They were like, "Well, he is the husband.

"I mean, if she's annoying him, he has every right to punch her in the face."


It's hard to imagine Ray Romano doing that, you know?

So, you know, to be pining for this era-- and that's what it always is.

The cry from Goober Nation is...


Always about, "We want our country back."

You know, like it went anywhere.

"And Obama's taking away our freedoms."

What--what freedoms exactly has he taken away?

I think just the freedom to live under a white president.

I think that's the only freedom we've actually seen taken away, and, you know, there's a--

[cheers and applause]

And ever since Obama came on the scene, there's a word that has been sticking in their throats that they would love to say but they can't 'cause it's not the 1950s.

They would love to say this word.

It begins with N and ends with R and it's not "nation builder."


But they can't, so they call him a socialist or a communist or a community organizer.

You get the p--

[cheers and applause]

Every name in the book.

The funniest, during the campaign, when they ran out of every other word, they said he was a "celebrity."


Oh, fuck, not that.

Of all things, a celebrity.

Attracting large crowds to stadiums.


If you like that sort of a thing, lots of people who believe in you.


John McCain was in the much more appropriately sized function room at the Olive Gardens.

[laughter and applause]

And, uh-- and half of those people came for the free prostate exam.

Kidding, right?

But--oh, I kid the Republicans.

They can fill stadiums, like the Superdome during Katrina.

They filled that one.

[audience groans]

Ooh. Ooh.

What? I said you didn't boo.

Lookit, you booed.

I kid the Republicans with love.

It's all love.

I feel bad for them.

They got nobody for next time.

Really, who are they gonna run?

Sarah Palin reading off her hands?

Did you see that?

You saw this?

She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand.

A Republican so stupid, she has to be reminded of the one th--tax cuts?

[cheers and applause]

It's--it's just--

[cheers and applause]

This is like if you saw the Coyote's paw and it said, "Road Runner."


I mean, tax cuts.


Well, that's what she wrote for the teabaggers.

For her husband, she wrote "other hole" on her ass.

[laughter and groans]

Nothing funny about that, sir.

I agree with you.

Nothing funny about that.


"Cannot wait to get home and tear this sweater-vest off."


But really, who do they got?

They got Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, who I believe is a department store mannequin.


I think that's who they're running there.

And, uh--and, of course, Bobby Jindal, the 19-year-old head of the AV department in Louisiana.

I mean, have you seen that Bobby Jindal guy?

I-I think the Republicans think he's black.

I do. I do.

I think they're like, "We got to get some of that Obama mojo working for us.

"Who we got?

"We got Bobby Jindal.

"We got Bobby Jindal.

"Great, we got Bobby Jindal.

"He's a what?

"Close enough, okay?

"That's close enough.

"He sure ain't white.

We know that."

No, ironically, the two great white hopes of the Republican Party for 2012 were gonna be John Ensign, the senator from Nevada, and, uh, governor of Argentina Mark Sanford-- um, I mean South Carolina...

[cheers and applause]

Both who got caught cheating.

On the bright side, it's good to see Republicans fucking women again, you know?


For a while there, we didn't know, but, uh...

[cheers and applause]

But actually, um, Mark Sanford, your neighbor.

Mark Sa--that's why I do the show here.

There's so much material.

Um, but I think, in the long run, he's gonna come out good, because you know what?

He's the one politician who got caught, and it wasn't lust.

It was love, and we have the emails to prove it.

Did you read his emails?

I mean, they were like, "You've opened up a new chapter in my life where I'm content just being."

You know, this is the stuff that gives women a pussy boner.

It really is.


"I long for the touch of your fingertips and a deeper connection to your soul."

He wrote that.

I mean, how does the wife compete with that?

"I make a nice pot roast"?

I mean, what the f--

But, you know, this was love.

I think women are going to embrace this, 'cause every other politician we ever caught, it was always just this-- this sick sort of take-advantage lust, always some pathetic campaign roadkill.

You know, "My wife just looked the other way.

Touch my cock."


"When that door closes, "you have three minutes to blow me, and then I'll go out and shake hands with people."

You know, it's like...

I know.

No, the one I th-- the one I actually admire in this realm--

Eliot Spitzer got a hooker, okay?

Honest. Honest.

Not to mention that he's the Eliot Ness of the financial world.

We could use his talents now, but, you know, okay, he got a hooker, and then there was all this editorial hand-wringing.

For months, I read article after article about, "We have to stop prostitution, the exploitation and the abuse."

And there is some of that, and we should try to stop that, but, you know, in the interest of keeping it real, I'd just like to say, in 21st-century America, a lot of chicks are just hos.

Just hos.

There's no abuse.

There's no exploitation.

They're just hos.

That's why rappers are always singing about hos.

♪ We got hos in different area codes ♪

♪ Everywhere we go, we see the s-- ♪

♪ Every-- ♪ There's just a lot of hos.

There's just a lot of lazy bitches who go, "Gee, I could work 40 hours a week

"at Kentucky Fried Chicken, or I can blow Colonel Sanders for ten minutes."


But really, America, get over the denial about sex.

They--they don't even know what it is.

It's not real.

Yeah, hook-- Spitzer gets a hooker, and then I constantly read, "What sort of fantasy was he trying to fulfill with the hooker?"


Let's get something straight.

When he was home masturbating, that's when he needed the fantasy.

Okay, he was home masturbating.

He was thinking about a woman, but he was fucking his hands.

That's when you need fantasy.

You are fucking your hand.

When he got the hooker, that was reality, you see?


"I'm in a human being.

"I'm fucking a person.


"I'm fucking my hand.


Person, reality, hand--

You see, it's-- you know.

[cheers and applause]

It's not like, you know-- your hand is good.

It's not like, "Oh, hand."

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies and gentlemen.


Or as Tiger Woods calls it, "My busy season."


Yeah, he's the latest one.

They sent him to sex rehab.

Oh, give me a break.

Sex reh--he's a sex addict.

Yes, it's very sad.


He was hiding pussy around the house.



He had it up in the chandelier.

Oh, it was so sad.

Tiger Woods in sex rehab.

This is not gonna work.

He asked for a therapist with big tits.

Right away...


But, you know, every time, in America, some guy gets caught cheating, every media outlet does the same story.

"Why do men cheat?"

Oh, take a wild fucking guess, would you?

I think you're overthinking this.

They're not looking for fantasy.

They're looking for sex.

That's it. They want sex.

And not just sex; they want new sex, the way women want new shoes.



You have shoes.

They're perfectly good shoes.

You don't want those shoes.

You want new shoes.


We want a person, you want a shoe, but you're morally superior.

I'm sure I'll get that someday, but...

But, you know-- woman: Yeah! Okay.


I'll get to you later.


But, you know, the denial, and not just hetero denial.

The gay denial is even worse.

I--did you see that HBO special on the Reverend Ted Haggard?

You know, all these Christians who get caught being gay, and, of course, they can't even admit that there's such a thing as homosexuality.

It's just sinning.

You know, the-- Ted Haggard's quote, I'll never forget.

It's true, he said he was "impacted by homosexuality."


I swear.


Yes, mostly when he was on his stomach, he was impacted by--


He was compacted by homosexuality, I think.


I mean, Senator Larry Craig gets caught in the bathroom at the Minneapolis Northwest terminal airport with his foot all the way-- halfway under the next stall.

Doesn't deny it.

In the--this is the gayest pickup place in America.

Don't ask me how I know this.


But, you know, you'd think if you were caught in this position in that place, you'd just be like, "Okay, you got me; what can I say?

"This is how I was made.

"I was drawn this way.

I'm gay. End of story." But no.

To concoct this defense, this making it a cause, that, "No, I just happen to need a wide stance.

I speak for all innocent heterosexuals who"--


I mean, I've shat in quite a few stalls in my life.

I never needed to put my foot anywhere near the other stall, let alone halfway into it.

I mean...


I... [laughs]

I can't imagine what would be so wrong with my ass...


What intestinal issues I would have, to need to stretch this much to pinch out a loaf.


But if I had it, I'll tell you this.

I wouldn't be shitting in public.


Listen--listen to this.

There was a-- couple of years ago, this big megachurch reverend in Alabama died.

He--under very embarrassing circumstances.

I shouldn't say his name.

Gary Aldridge, the Reverend Gary Aldridge, close friend of Falwell, had a megachurch, big Republican fund-raiser, get this, was found dead of what authorities called autoerotic asphyxiation.

This--yes, people know the term from David Carradine.

No joke, but that's how he died too; same thing.

He had a rope tied around his throat, one tied around his balls, and a third rope tying them together.

Now, on the bright side, he did earn a merit badge.



All right, one joke, okay?

I'm not gonna lie.

I did one joke, but-- but listen to this.

The Reverend Gary Aldridge was found hanging hog-tied, wearing two rubber suits...


With a ball gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass.


Or as it's known in Republican circles, natural causes.


[cheers and applause]

And what I love is-- I swear to you, I'm quoting verbatim-- the church put out a statement after that saying, "We are taking this in the strong arms

"of our savior, Jesus Christ, and we ask the public to refrain from speculation."


Right, you die with a dildo up your ass, and people just talk, talk, talk.


And this is why I found it so silly that the media has been fretting for the last year that comedy is over because Bush is gone.

Can comedy continue without Bush?

Yes, I think it can.

Is Obama a slightly harder target?

Good, I'm glad he is.

I'll take that for the team.

I'm glad my president isn't a moron or a horndog.


[cheers and applause]

You know.

Now, on the other side, people, audiences, have to get used to the fact that when I make a joke about Obama, I'm not making a joke about all black people.

Same way as when I made a joke about Bush, it wasn't a swipe at all retarded people.


And I also think now that Obama has the job, he could black it up a little.


Throw us a bone, you know?

Do something.

Put a shark tank in the White House or...


Get fat, talk in rhymes, something.


Would it kill him every once in a while to put on a purple suit with 20 buttons up the front?

Come on, I got kids to feed.


I also would feel a lot better in-- if instead of the Secret Service, he had a typical black celebrity's entourage.

I would feel better.

If he had, like, eight 350-pound bling-wearing, tattooed, thuggy ex-con motherfuckers, I would sleep very well at night.

I want to see Ving Rhames and Suge Knight around this president at all times, and...

I think every black celebrity should have to give up one member of his entourage like an expansion draft in baseball, you know, just--

Come on, Busta Rhymes.

You can afford a cousin.

That would be country first, right?

Everybody's talking about Country First, you know?

Country--yeah, see, this is what a lot of people had a problem with McCain.

I used to like McCain, but when you run for president under a banner that says "Country First" and you pick Palin, you know what?

We're Americans.

We're used to a lot of hypocrisy, but that's a bridge too far.

[cheers and applause]

To set up your whole deal as, you know, "It's a dangerous world out there, "and I, John McCain, "am the only thing that stands

"between you and bloodthirsty al-Qaeda.

"And if I die, this spokesmodel from the car show will take over."

[laughter and applause]

Come on.

You know?

Yeah, you can say I'm piling on the Republicans, but you know what?

They do it to themselves.

They have chosen to become an anti-intellectual party.

It's okay to have ideological differences.

You need ideological differences.

But they keep nominating people who just don't know enough to do the job.

Sarah Palin is a bimbo.

Bush was a bimbo.

Dan Quayle was a bimbo.

People who just don't know enough always sold to us by saying, "Well, you want to have a beer with him.

There's a guy you want to have a beer with."

Yeah, I want to have a beer with them, and I want to take the bottle and crack it over their fucking head.


You know, when did-- when did "dumb" become synonymous with "real American"?

"We're the backbone of this country."

Calm down, Sling Blade.


You're actually not, statistics will prove.

They have such a high opinion of themselves, don't they, you know?

Like, Obama went to make the commencement speech last May at the graduation at, uh, Arizona State, and, you know, it's customary to give the speaker, whoever it is, an honorary degree, but Arizona State did not give it to Obama.

They said, "His body of work is yet to come."


Right, he's the first black president of the United States.

Let's see if he makes something of himself.

[laughter and applause]

Are you kidding me?

What posers, Arizona State.

You gave it to Tommy Lasorda last year, for crying out loud.

Arizona State.

"Oh, yes, we have standards.

"We're the Harvard of the Navajo Valley.

"We--we can't be giving that to anybody.

"First black president.

I guess it's eye-catching on a résumé, but..."


Fuck you.

I've been to that school.

It's a party mill.

It's a football school.

You know when strippers say, "I'm working my way through college"?

That's the college.

[laughter and applause]

You know, they...


These folks, they just-- they won't give it up, that he's really president, you know?

Conservatives, I got to say, you know, when the election goes the wrong way for them, it's not legitimate, and they just can't stand-- they're so bitter that their claw, their bony, liver-spotted, Crypt Keeper claw got pried off the levers of power, so they just went mental, like--

Like, you know what they cannot keep on the shelves in America?

Guns and ammo.

Even though Obama and every other pussy Democrat has never even mentioned the issue, these people are so sure that he and his Negro army are coming for their guns.

They're gonna confiscate your guns and indoctrinate your children and socialize your wealth.

Then they're gonna replace apple pie with chicken and waffles.


And then he's gonna appoint a cabinet:

Shaft, Foxy Brown, Dolemite, Mandingo, Super Fly, Cleopatra Jones, and Blacula.


I mean, it's all just fear of a black planet, isn't it?

I mean, what does Rush Limbaugh do for a living?

He scares white men as they get into their truck for lunch.


You know?

It's always--

[cheers and applause]

It's always some-- some new liberal bogeyman who's gonna snatch the American dream away from the real Americans-- the blacks or the French...


The Mexicans or the gays or the environmentalists or Hollywood or activist judges, feminazis, Hillary, you know.

Whoo, if you can demonize Hillary, you're good.

A blander centrist you will never meet.

Che Guevara in a pantsuit she is not.


If you hate Hillary, you were molested by a real estate lady or something.



But that's what they do.

They stoke up this fear in people, get them to vote against their own economic interests.

Joe the Plumber, perfect example.


They--they held up Joe the Plumber as the epitome of the guy who was gonna lose if Obama wins the election

'cause Obama's gonna steal the American dream from Joe.

"Oh, yes, I'm snaking out a septic tank.

Pinch me."


But Joe hated Obama

'cause Obama was gonna raise taxes 3% on people making over $250,000 a year, even though Joe didn't have a job, didn't have any money, didn't even have a plumber's license.


But he was gonna.

"I'm gonna buy that plumbing business, Alice, and we're gonna be rich."

Joe was getting killed on the taxes on the imaginary business in his head.


This is what they do.

They get the people to vote against their own interests.

Health care.

Did you see the people this summer at the town hall meetings fighting health care?

These obese, stressed-out, angry old white people.

Heart attacks waiting to happen.

You saw that guy with the sign that said, "Keep your government hands off my Medicare"?

You saw this?

Who-- who did he think was running Medicare?



I mean--

You know, drawing a Hitler moustache on Obama?

Right, Obama's Hitler

'cause he wants to give you health care.

That's such a Nazi thing to do.

It really is.

Whenever I think of the Nazis, I think "health care."


But, you know, "socialized medicine," this is the word that they-- the phrase that they always invoke to get, "Oh, social-- can't have that.

That's a slippery slope to the gulag,"

'cause, you know, Americans hate socialism.

They don't know what it is, but they know it's something super awful, like gay marriage or child pornography or something really--

Oh, please, Arkansas doesn't have capitalism yet.

You're worried about socialism?

They're still curing people with moonshine and leeches down there.


Plus, we already have socialism in America.

We just have it for the rich.

There was no--

[cheers and applause]

There was no problem with socialism at the beginning of the meltdown when Henry Paulson walked into the Oval Office and demanded $700 billion for the banks right away.

No time to read the fine print.

"What's that, Lassie?

AIG is in trouble?"


"Well, run to Fort Knox and get 'em all the gold, girl."


You know, this nonsense about, "Let's give all the money to the rich people.

They create jobs."

No, they don't.

They eliminate jobs.

That's how they get richer.

They're not interested in creating jobs.

They're interested in creating wealth for themselves.

You read about these pricks with their thousand-dollar shower curtains and their private jets and their gold faucets and the antique commodes and the "Eyes Wide Shut" orgies or whatever.

I mean, there's no end to the bullshit rich fucks will spend money on.

"It's 9:00.

Time for my wine enema."


"Use the good stuff tonight."


So I'm glad that the executives at Shitty Bank and Skank of America and The Notorious AIG got to keep their sailboats, but you know what?

We bailed them out, and they're charging 30% interest on credit card. man: Damn right.

I mean, you know, and the Democrats are okay with this?

That's the problem in America.

The supposed progressive party is in bed with the same lobbyists as the other clowns.

And, you know...

[cheers and applause]

When Obama ran for president, every rally, he would say, "This is your time."

Well, you know what, President Chocolate Thunder?

This is your time.


You know what?

You need to get a little harder.

I said this months ago.

He needed to lay it on the line against the corporations, and I agree with the people who now agree with me.


You know, he needs a little Bush and Cheney in his personality.

Not policies, personality, because, you know, they had terrible ideas, but they got them through, and they didn't care who liked them.

In an interview once, they asked Dick Cheney.

They said, "You know, most people now don't want troops in Iraq," and Cheney said, "So?"


In other words, "We won the election.

"Now we're gonna do what we think is right.

You have an opinion, go Twitter it to Rick Sanchez."



And the next time somebody says to Obama, "You know, the people think that your health care policy is socialism," he should say, "So?"

The people can't name three branches of government.

They're full of fear and misinformation.

[cheers and applause]

Drag them to it.

Trying to explain health care to them is like trying to explain to your dog why you're going to the vet.

Just open the car door and jingle the leash and talk like this, and he'll go.

Just give the people health care.

These teabaggers who are protesting it, in five years after they have it, they'll forget they were against it.

They'll like it. They'll be defending it.

They'll have signs that say, "Keep your government hands off my Nazi health care."

[cheers and applause]

But look--

But look.

I don't lose perspective.

I know if the election had gone the other way and it was now old man McCain and Cruella de Vil who were running the show, it would be a barter economy and we'd be at war with Honduras, so...


I-I try to keep in mind what Obama always says, which is, "You can't let the perfect be the enemy of the necessary," which is pretty good and a quote from Voltaire, by the way, who Bush thinks is a "Harry Potter" character, so...


I got to say, that's one thing I love about Obama.

He never loses an opportunity to give it to Bush.

Even when he was being inaugurated and Bush was sitting, like, five feet away, and he just kept giving him shot after shot after shot.

Never by name, you know.

Just, "We are ready to lead again."


[cheers and applause]

That's cool.

I mean--I mean, he is cool.

You got to give him that.

And I know he-- you know how I know he's cool?

'Cause I know a lot of women who say, "Boy, I would love to be his Monica Lewinsky."

I know.

I'm not saying he'd go for it.

I just think--I just think it's a good thing for the country when the chicks want to blow the president.

I do.

I think it's good for the country.

The chicks are in a better mood.

Everybody else is in a better mood.

It's just-- it's a lot about mood.

Come on.

We're a fragile people right now.

We have to be--you know, keep that mood up.

Obama knows it.

You see, like, he does everything he can to remind us that we have something new and energetic and fresh.

You ever notice that whenever he's introduced, he always runs up to the podium?

Even if it's just two feet away, he gives a little run to put it in our mind that it could be McCain with the walker, you know?

It could have been...

[hums "Hail to the Chief"]

That would have been so--



'Cause whether you like it or not, the president is the most ubiquitous presence in our lives.

He's the one guy who was on TV every day, and for eight years, it was like the channel was stuck on "Hee Haw."


And now I just feel better.

You know, for one thing, this is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city, from a place I would go.

He's from Chicago.

I love Chicago.

I go there.

Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska, or Hope, Arkansas, or Plains, Georgia, or Crawford, Texas?

Not on a bet.

There's a reason small towns are small: no one wants to live there.


It's true.

So, you know, at least I relate to this couple in the White House, and they relate to each other, which is something I haven't seen also in my lifetime.

You know, I mean, they look at each other in the eye.

They fist bump.

I think he's getting a little first nookie.

I do, you know?

Sometimes you see.

He looks at her like, "How would you like to fuck the most powerful man in the world tonight?"


And I love her.

She looks at him like, "Maybe."


Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

You were an awesome crowd, as I knew you would be here.

Thank you.

A pleasure.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

I have one other surprise for you, 'cause we're way over time, and, you know, "Real Sex 28" is coming on.

We got to get out of the--seriously.

Damn, you laughed too much.

Um, but, uh, you know, I was just talking about Obama, and I have to say that, you know, he got the Nobel Prize for peace.

You know, a lot of people said, "What, he's conducting wars."

I agree.

But also, he's made this outreach to the Muslim world, which I love, 'cause I don't want a million-- a billion people being pissed at me for any reason.

So, you know, that is the one area where we have to lower tensions, and there are a few signs that things might be getting better.

I read in the paper the other day that for the first time, Saudi Arabia had a fashion show.

Their top designer, Muslim Dior...


Is on a world tour with his spring line, and they just happen to be in Raleigh, North Carolina, tonight, and I asked some of the models if they would come over.

Would you like to see the--

[cheers and applause] You would?

You want to see the Muslim Dior fashion show?


Then start the music, because I think you will really like this.

[upbeat dance music]


Sleek and stylish in this wool blend, and the jibba is hot, hot, hot and not just from wearing a suffocating tarp in the desert.

It's a look that screams, "Look out, world, I'm a woman of the 12th century."

Turn heads without losing yours in this sizzling Saudi sheath and be the wife that he calls for tonight and every night.


Ah, here's lovely Nima in a coquettish little outfit that showcases the girl inside the woman inside the stifling female containment unit.


It's first-class clothing for second-class citizens, and it shows off your curves in all the right places: the top of your head, your shoulders, and absolutely nowhere else.


Dress it up for morning prayers, or dress it down for midnight stonings.


This one says, "My mullah brings all the boys to the yard."


Oh, isn't Kalila just scrumptious in this business casual abaya by Donna the Koran?


It's a throwback pullover that says, "I'm too sexy for my Shiite."


You'll be proud to walk five steps behind your husband in this ensemble.

It's also perfect for when you don't feel like leaving the house because if you do, you'll be beaten.


Available at Kmart by Isaac Jihadi.


And finally, here comes lovely Anaan.

Anaan is wearing a daring French cut with a plunging eye slit.




This one comes in black and dark black, and it's guaranteed to get your man so hot, he'll want to crack you on the ankle with a long stick.


Whether you're on the go or simply knowing your place, nobody does repression like Muslim Dior.

By the way, Anaan is the winner of "Saudi Arabia's Next Top Model," and I think you can see why.

How about a hand for the fashion models from the Muslim Dior show?

All right, we got to get out of here.

Thank you. You were great.

I appreciate it.

Thank you, folks.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[bright tone]