Bill Maher: Live from Oklahoma (2018) Script

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

>> Bill: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, FOLKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT IS A WONDERFUL GREETING, I APPRECIATE THAT.

I KNOW, YOU'RE ON TV.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M HERE ON PURPOSE.

ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW, WE ANNOUNCED WE WERE DOING THE SHOW ONLY THREE WEEKS AGO HERE IN OKLAHOMA, SINCE THEN, SCOTT PRUITT GOT CANNED.

AND MEDICAL MARIJUANA GOT LEGALIZED.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

I DO WHAT I CAN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YES, MEDICAL MARIJUANA HERE IN OKLAHOMA AND YOUR GOVERNOR SAID IT WOULD OPEN THE DOOR TO RECREATIONAL USE.

YES, YES IT WILL.

WE ARE COUNTING ON THAT.

I WANTED TO COME, I LOVE THE RED STATES, I REALLY DO.

I WANTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL I MEAN THIS IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY, I MISS NORMAL SO MUCH.

I MISS SENSIBLE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRY LIBERALS SO MUCH.

I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR A BORING PRESIDENT, A PRESIDENT WHO BOARD TO MY BALLS OFF EVERY DAY.

I WAKE UP EVERY DAY I LOOK AT THE PHONE THROUGH ONE I WHAT DID THE PATIENT DO TODAY.

I FEEL LIKE I'M BINGE WATCHING THE WORST TELEVISION SHOW IN HISTORY, THEY COME UP TO ME, DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TODAY?

I'M LIKE I'M STILL ON THE EPISODE WHERE HE FUCKED THE PORN STAR.

THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS TRY TO IMPRESS SO MUCH ON THE YOUNGER PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT -- WHERE ARE MY MILLENNIALS BY THE WAY?

WOW.

ALWAYS IN THE BACK BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO MONEY.

I'M FUCKING WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU BECAUSE THESE ARE THE GOOD MILLENNIALS.

THEY CAME TO SEE ME AND THEY MUST KNOW THIS IS NOT A SAFE SPACE.

EVERYONE HERE IS WELCOME, TRUMP PEOPLE ARE HERE AMONGST US AND THEY ARE WELCOME, I MEAN THAT.

I MADE THAT, THIS IS A COUNTRY, NOT AN APARTMENT WE CAN'T DIVIDED DOWN THE MIDDLE, WE HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER.

YOU TRULY ARE WELCOME AND IT HAS BEEN IMPRESSED ON ME THAT IT DOESN'T HELP TO CALL YOUR POLITICAL ADVERSARIES DUMB.

SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.

BUT EASILY CONNED, CAN WE SAY THAT?

NOT EXACTLY DETAIL PEOPLE.

TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

POLLS TELL US THAT TRUMP PEOPLE HATE OBAMACARE WHAT THEY LIKE THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

WHAT DID TRUMP TELL THEM?

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU WAY BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND COVER EVERYBODY.

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET SICK JUST TO USE THIS HEALTH CARE PLAN.

WAY BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND COVER EVERYBODY AND YOU BOUGHT THAT?

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT A CON MAN?

I KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING ON THE FIRST DAY, REMEMBER WHEN HE SAW MULTITUDES THAT DID NOT EXIST?

REMEMBER AT THE INAUGURATION, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN REPUBLICANS DIDN'T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE BUT COUNTING?

COUNTING IS SETTLED SCIENCE, I'M NOT GOING TO BUDGE ON THAT.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ELECT A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST AS PRESIDENT.

HE CANNOT IMAGINE A REALITY THAT DOESN'T MATCH HIS PERCEPTIONS.

THAT WAS THE MOST PEOPLE HE EVER SAW IN ONE PLACE, SO IT MUST BE THE MOST PEOPLE WHO EVER GATHERED ANYWHERE.

THAT'S WHY HE THINKS HE HAS A BIG DICK.

IT'S THE BIGGEST ONE HE HAS.

ALTHOUGH HONESTLY, DOESN'T EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN JUST SCREAM MICRO DICK?

THE BRAGGING AND THE BUILDINGS WITH MY NAME ON IT, AT THE DEBATES, HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS DICK AT THE DEBATES, THAT GUY IS PRESIDENT.

REMEMBER THAT?

THERE IS NO PROBLEM, I GUARANTEE THERE IS NO PROBLEM.

I THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM.

I THINK THERE'S A VERY BIG PROBLEM, I THINK THAT'S THE WHOLE PROBLEM.

I THINK THIS IS A MAN WHO HAS NEVER BROUGHT A WOMAN TO ORGASM.

IF HE EVEN BELIEVES SUCH A THING EXISTS.

IT'S RIGGED.

IT'S RIGGED.

THE FUNGI IN VAGINA HAS BEEN VR TO ME, I SAY THAT VERY STRONGLY.

VERY STRONGLY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK ATTACK.

I TALKED TO TRUMP PEOPLE, THEY AREN'T BLIND TO HIS FLAWS.

YOU ASK WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT THE GUY?

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING, HE'S STRONG, ALPHA, REAL MAN.

WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

HE'S ALWAYS BLAMING EVERYBODY ELSE, COMPLAINING.

HE NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY.

"I INHERITED A MESS GOOD" YOU INHERITED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH.

THANK YOU, I WILL BE DOING ALL OF MY GREATEST HITS TONIGHT.

EVEN WHEN HE GOES TO A DISASTER ZONE, REMEMBER THAT?

THAT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.

REMEMBER THE HURRICANES?

WE ARE GETTING VERY HIGH MARKS.

"EVERYONE FLOATING BY US AS WERE A FANTASTIC JOB."

WHAT PRESIDENT EVER NEEDED TO HAVE THESE EMERGENCY FLATTERY MEETINGS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WHERE THEY CALLED THE CABINET TOGETHER THEY GO AROUND THE ROOM, "YOU SHINE WITH THE LIGHT OF A THOUSAND SUNS, MY SIRE.

"NOW THE SECRETARY OF LABOR WOULD LIKE TO SAY.

THERE'S THAT CONGRESSWOMAN FROM TENNESSEE WHO MADE THAT SPEECH IN FRONT OF TRUMP, SHE SAID MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR LETTING US HAVE YOU AS OUR PRESIDENT.

LETTING US HAVE YOU?

JESUS, DON'T GET ANY IN YOUR HAIR.

LETTING US HAVE YOU?

I GUESS WE FORGOT, THE PRESIDENT IS SUPPOSED TO LIFT US UP, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

BUT WE ARE IN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

WHO HAS RALLIES AFTER THE ELECTION IS OVER?

ONLY THIS PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE HE GETS BLUE, HE SEES SOMETHING ON TV HE DOESN'T LIKE, GET ME 9,000 DROOLING IDIOTS IN AN AIRPLANE HANGAR IN TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA, STAT.

IS RALLIES...

HE DID ONE THE OTHER DAY.

HE LIES A LOT ANYWAY, HE TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE DOES NOT USE A TELEPROMPTER.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO INSULT HIS BASE BY READING.

THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH AT THESE RALLIES, FACT-CHECKERS ARE CARRIED OUT ON STRETCHERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE END OF THIS SHOW TALKING ABOUT THIS ASSHOLE.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CALM ME DOWN, THEY'RE LIKE OH COME ON, BILL, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING, WE'VE HAD PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T KNOW MUCH.

WE HAVE HAD THAT, WE'VE HAD PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T KNOW MUCH.

RONALD REAGAN THOUGHT THE COAT RACK WAS BARBARA STANWYCK.

KIDS, USE YOUR GOOGLE TO FIND OUT WHO BARBARA STANWYCK IS.

LOOK UP COAT RACK WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE COME UP WITH BECAUSE THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A THING ANYMORE EITHER.

WE'VE HAD DUMB MASS PRESIDENTS BUT WE'VE NEVER HAD ONE SO AGGRESSIVELY STUPID.

WHO TAKES PRIDE THAT YOU CANNOT GET INFORMATION INTO HIS HEAD, WE DON'T KNOW HOW HE GETS INFORMATION ALTHOUGH IT'S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE SEAN HANNITY BLOWS IT DIRECTLY UP HIS ASS.

HE TAKES PRIDE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TELL HIM THINGS HE WILL INSIST THAT THE STEALTH BOMBER IS LITERALLY INVISIBLE.

OR THERE IS SUCH A THING AS CLEAN COAL OR GLOBAL WARMING IS A HOAX BECAUSE IT SNOWS IN THE WINTER.

IT'S LIKE SAYING THE PSALM ISN'T REAL BECAUSE LAST NIGHT IT GOT DARK.

REMEMBER JIM INHOFE WITH THE SNOWBALL?

YOU'VE GOT SOME REAL BEAUTIES HERE, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PUT UP WITH THEM BUT THERE IS SOME REAL ASSHOLE POLITICIANS IN THIS STATE.

DOWN THE LINE.

THE SADDEST THING ABOUT TRUMP, HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE.

HE SAID MANY TIMES, I COULD BE PRESIDENTIAL.

IN HIS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE HE SAID I AM ME.

THANKS, TARZAN.

EVEN MELANIA, YOUR ENGLISH IS NOT TOO, DADDY.

OH, MELANIA, I LIKE HER, COME ON ON.

SHE'S THE GOOD KIND OF IMMIGRANT IMMIGRANT.

THE KIND THAT DOES THE JOBS AMERICANS JUST DON'T WANT TO DO.

LIKE BLOWING AND FUCKING DONALD TRUMP.

I DO FEEL BAD FOR HER HAVING TO LIVE THROUGH THIS SCANDAL WITH THE PORN STAR, THIS HE SAID, SHE SAID THING THAT'S GOING ON.

BUT WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE, THE FAKE BLONDE WITH BIG TITS, OR STORMY DANIELS?

DID YOU SEE THAT THE EVANGELICALS, ANY EVANGELICALS HERE, YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.

I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.

YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.

DID YOU SEE THEY GAVE HIM A MULLIGAN ON STORMY DANIELS?

HE COULD FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS, THEY DON'T CARE.

I THOUGHT WHAT WAS SO INTERESTING IS WHEN TRUMP GOT IN TROUBLE THE FIRST TIME, REMEMBER THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE A MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION, WHO CAME TO HIS AID?

IT WAS THE TWO CHRISTIANS.

IT WAS THE TWO SUPER CHRISTIANS IN HIS ADMINISTRATION MIKE PENCE AND JEFF SESSIONS, YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE THEY START EVERY DEBATE WITH I'M A CHRISTIAN.

LIKE WHY EVEN HAVE THIS ARGUMENT ARGUMENT, I WIN AUTOMATICALLY.

I BELIEVE IN AN INTELLECTUALLY EMBARRASSING BRONZE AGE MYTH.

BOOM.

MIKE DROP.

THEY ASKED JEFF SESSIONS TWO DAYS AFTER THE TAPE CAME OUT, YOU'RE A SENATOR, THE GUY WHO WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT JUST SAID HE ADMITTED TO GRABBING WOMEN'S VAGINAS IS THAT NOT SEXUAL ASSAULT?

AND JEFF SESSIONS SAID

AND I'M QUOTING DIRECTLY, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

THE REPORTER PERSISTED AND SAID HE GRABS PUSSIES.

UP JEFF SESSIONS AND SAID "IT'S NOT CLEAR HOW THAT WOULD OCCUR.

"IT'S A TOTALLY MATTER OF CIRCUMSTANCE.

WHAT IF YOU SAW A PUSSY ABOUT TO FALL OFF A CLIFF, WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO GRAB THAT PUSSY WITHOUT A LOT OF POLITICALLY CORRECT RED TAPE GETTING IN THE WAY?

I THINK YOU WOULD.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN THEIR GAME, THESE PEOPLE.

IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO WIN AN ELECTION, WE HAVE TO BUDDY UP TO THAT IDEA.

NO SHAME.

I HAVE A LOT OF PERSPECTIVE ON REPUBLICANS, I NEVER REALLY WAS A REPUBLICAN VOTER, I WAS SO SCARED MITT ROMNEY WAS GOING TO BE A PRESIDENT I GAVE OBAMA A MILLION BUCKS.

I WOULD GLADLY GIVE ROMNEY A MILLION DOLLARS TOMORROW IF HE WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA.

I WOULD SLEEP LIKE A BABY.

I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL.

I WOULD DO THAT FOR MY COUNTRY, I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL WEAR THE MAGIC UNDERWEAR, I WILL VISIT PLANET COLE LAUB, I WILL BAPTIZE DEAD PEOPLE.

WHAT A STUPID RELIGION THAT ONE IS.

THEY ARE ALL STUPID BUT JESUS CHRIST -- WHAT KISSES ME OFF ARE THESE NEW RELIGIONS.

THE CHRISTIANS AND THE MUSLIMS AND THE, THEY GET GRANDFATHERED IN, RIGHT?

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD BEFORE THE AGE OF SCIENCE, MORMONS ARE 1820, YOU KNEW BETTER AND THAT SCIENTOLOGISTS AND SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS.

THIS IS AWESOME, I HAVE TO TELL YOU I USED TO BE A LONELY PIONEER OUT THERE ON THE ATHEIST TRAILS.

AND NOW?

IT'S LIKE ANAL, EVERYONE'S DOING IT.

RELIGION NUMBERS ARE DOWN ACROSS THE BOARD AND YOU WONDER WHY.

YOU SAW THEY WERE TRYING TO USE THE BIBLE TO JUSTIFY SEPARATING CHILDREN FROM THEIR PARENTS AT THE BORDER.

SO I HOPE YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME THAT ABOVE ALL THINGS IN THIS WORLD, WHAT NEEDS SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM IS RELIGION.

AND THAT MEANS ALL OF THEM.

ALL OF THEM.

THIS RIDICULOUS FETISH I SING OF ISLAM ON THE PART OF SO MANY LIBERALS HAS GOT TO STOP.

IT'S A RELIGION, LIKE ALL RELIGIONS, ANTIQUATED AND DANGEROUS.

THAT ONE IS MORE FUNDAMENTALIST WHICH IS NOT A COMPLIMENT.

IT IS TRUMP'S MUSLIM MAN A GOOD IDEA?

OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, IT'S UNNECESSARY, IT'S UN-AMERICAN, IT'S BIGOTED.

BUT WHAT IS THE LIBERAL ANSWER TO THIS ISSUE?

APPARENTLY IT'S JUST YELLING ISLAM A PHOBIA WHEN ANYBODY CRITICIZES THE RELIGION.

I CAN'T CRITICIZE A RELIGION?

HAVE WE MET?

I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY WITH THE CATHOLICS.

THEY WERE THE ONES TRYING TO GET ME THROWN OFF TV TEN, 12 YEARS AGO.

WILLIAM DONOHUE THE HEAD OF THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE WITH HIS LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGNS AT ONE POINT WANTED TO FIGHT ME.

FIGHT ME AS JESUS WOULD HAVE WANTED I'M SURE, 250-YEAR-OLD MAN IN A PARKING LOT WITH OUR SHORT SLEEVES ROLLED UP.

FIGHT ME.

I WOULD SAY IT "BILL, I'M NOT ANTICATHOLIC, I'M ANTI-CHILD FUCKING.

YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN CAUGHT DOING A LOT OF THAT, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME A BAD GUY.

I'M NOT ANTI-MUSLIM, I'M ANTI-MISOGYNY.

I THOUGHT FEMINISM WAS A THING WITH LIBERALS."

I'M AGAINST IT WHEN THEY THROW A TARP OVER A WOMAN LIKE SHE'S A MOTORBOAT.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED ONE OF THOSE ON?

IT'S STIFLING.

PART OF THE REASON WHY THEY DO THAT IS SO THE MEN DON'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ERECTIONS.

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.

THE MEN MAKE THE WOMEN WALK AROUND ALL DAY IN A VOTING BOOTH SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ERECTIONS.

YOUR MOVE, I'M NOT ANTI-ANY PEOPLE, I'M ANTI-TERRORIZING HOMOSEXUALS.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LIBERAL THING.

I SAW A COLLEGE KID ON CAMPUS WITH A T-SHIRT THAT SAID QUEERS AGAINST ISLAMOPHOBIA.

I WANTED TO SAY TO HIM WHERE THAT SHIRT IN PAKISTAN AND SEE IF ANYBODY READS DOWN THE CLEAREST PART.

NO PROTECTED SPECIES IN AMERICA, WE HAVE FREE SPEECH HERE.

ALL JOKES ARE UNFAIR TO A DEGREE DEGREE.

THINGS STICK A MOTHER NOT ALWAYS TOTALLY TRUE BUT WE ALWAYS SUCK IT UP AND LAUGH.

THAT'S EVERYBODY.

IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN GERMANY, EVERY COMEDIAN MAKES A NAZI JOKE, GERMANY DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF THEM ANYMORE.

HERE, YES.

WE HAVE THE NAZIS HERE.

THAT'S HOW IT IS, IF YOU ARE FRENCH YOU ALWAYS SURRENDER.

IF YOU'RE A SUPERMODEL, YOU ALWAYS THROW UP YOUR LUNCH, IF YOU'RE A REDNECK YOU ALWAYS FUCK YOUR SISTER.

TO CLOSE?

SORRY.

NOTHING IS FUNNY PEOPLE CANNOT WIN.

THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH, WE HAVE TO LAUGH.

AND THE SNOWFLAKES KEEP WANTING TO MOVE THE GOALPOSTS ON WHAT CAN BE FUNNY.

NOW THEY ARE ON THIS THING WHERE IF SOMETHING IN A JOKE EVEN REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING THAT'S SAD, NO GOOD.

WELL...

FUCK THAT.

MY ANSWER TO THAT IS MEL BROOKS WHAT HITLER IN A MUSICAL.

SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER.

IF I TRIED REAL HARD I THINK I COULD CONNECT THAT TO SOMETHING SAID THAT I DON'T BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO LAUGH.

WE CHOOSE TO LAUGH, NOT BECAUSE IT'S EASY, BUT BECAUSE IT'S HARD HARD.

THAT'S MY JFK.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, WE NEVER HAD TERMS LIKE MICRO AGGRESSIONS.

MICRO AGGRESSIONS AND SAFE SPACES AND TRIGGER WARNINGS.

I'M NOT A MARINE OR ANYTHING BUT WHY DID EVERYBODY GET SO FRAGILE ABOUT FREE SPEECH ZONES?

YOU MEAN AMERICA?

LIBERALS CAN BE THE WORST ON THIS, WE SHOULD OWN THE FIRST AMENDMENT THE WAY THE CONSERVATIVES ON THE SECOND.

BUT WE DON'T.

WE GAVE IT UP.

I HAD THE HONOR OF MY LIFE -- I THOUGHT IT WAS.

FOUR YEARS AGO WHEN BERKELEY ON THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE FREE SPEECH MOVEMENT ON THE BERKELEY CAMPUS INVITED ME TO BE THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THE GRADUATION.

WEIGHT.

AND THEN I WAS UNINVITED BECAUSE THEY GOT WIND I MIGHT SPEAK FREELY.

THEY DON'T TEACH IRONY ON CAMPUS ANYMORE IS MY GUESS.

CAMPUSES ARE A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE?

THREE COLLEGES LAST YEAR HAD TO CANCEL PRODUCTIONS OF THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO WOMEN WHO DON'T HAVE A VAGINA.

THEY EXIST, CAITLYN JENNER I BELIEVE IS A WOMAN WHO STILL HAS A DICK.

WHATEVER IT IS, I SUPPORT HER, OKAY?

IF SHE CUT IT OFF, I SAY GOOD CHOICE!

GOOD RIDDANCE TO THAT FUCKING THING, IT'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE, I SEE IT LIKE THE TONSILS OR THE APPENDIX OR SOMETHING.

I HARP ON THIS STUFF BECAUSE DEMOCRATS I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE CANNOT AFFORD TO BLOW ANYMORE ELECTIONS.

THIS KIND OF SHIT IS ONE REASON WHY JUST THE NAME DEMOCRAT IS SO TOXIC IN STATES LIKE THIS, AND ABOUT 25 OTHERS WERE ANYBODY OTHER THAN A DEMOCRAT CAN WIN.

WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THAT.

AND THE WAY YOU DO IT, DROP THE PC BULLSHIT.

ALSO, GET A MESSAGE.

GET A CANDIDATE THAT PEOPLE LIKE, I LIKED HILARY BUT SHE COULDN'T FILL THE FUNCTION ROOM AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.

MEANWHILE THERE WAS A

74-YEAR-OLD MAN GETTING 20,000 PEOPLE TO COME OUT AND SEE HIM.

YES, BERNIE.

BERNIE SANDERS.

IN THIS AGE WHERE EVERYTHING IS FAKE NEWS AND PEOPLE DON'T READ THE NEWS ANYWAY, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, THE COIN OF THE REALM, WHAT PEOPLE LATCH ONTO HIS AUTHENTICITY.

NOT MANY HAVE REAL AUTHENTICITY.

BERNIE SANDERS DID.

HE ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE A GUY WHO WORKED IN A LITTLE OFFICE WHERE THE ROOF LEAKED.

"I FINISHED MY SOUP, THREE TIMES."

AND YOU KNOW IF HE BECAME PRESIDENT, NOTHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED.

HE'D WALK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE, HE'D BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON HIS DESK IT WOULD BE A MESS.

"I'VE GOT A SYSTEM, IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE."

HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH DOWN THERE AND A CAT.

THE QUEEN WOULD COME FOR A STATE VISIT, HE WOULD HAVE TO MOVE BOXES OFF THE COUCH.

"DARLING, SIT, DARLING!

IT'S OUR BUSY SEASON!

WOULD YOU LIKE HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH?

"THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT.

THE OTHER GUY WHO HAD AUTHENTICITY, I WILL GIVE HIM THAT.

DONALD TRUMP IS AUTHENTICALLY A DUES DUES BAG DUES BAG FROM QUEENS.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO HIDE IT, IT WORKS FOR HIM.

HE IS LIKE ONE OF US, HE'S A REAL AMERICAN.

HE'S FAT, HE EATS SHIT, HE PLAYS WITH HIS PHONE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT.

WHAT IS WITH THE 3:00 A.M. BITCH TWEETING?

WHAT IS GOING ON AT 3:00 A.M.?

IS THAT A POOP TWEET?

IS THAT WHEN THE METAMUCIL KICKS IN?

IS THAT HOW HE GETS TO SLEEP?

THAT WOULD BE REALLY SICK BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING CALM AND BEFORE YOU GO TO BED AND HIS TWEETS AT

3:00 A.M., "YOU'RE LOSING, YOU'RE A DISASTER, I HATE YOU."

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING CALL MEGAN MEDITATIVE, I JERK OFF.

NOTICE I HAD TO SWITCH THE MIC HAND, JUST TO A SIMULATED APPARENTLY, THAT'S HOW SERIOUS I AM ABOUT MASTURBATION.

I MUST TELL YOU FOLKS, YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL CROWD.

I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU YOU.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU AS A COMEDIAN I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT MASTURBATION ON STAGE FOR A LONG TIME.

THE LAST YEAR, THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT -- I WAS ALONE.

I JUST ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW MASTURBATION YOU WERE ALONE.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

I USED TO SAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN.

MASTURBATING IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY?

I CAN'T P IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY.

WHEN THAT THIS TREND TO START?

WHAT MOVE IS THIS?

THE DATE DIDN'T GO QUITE THE WAY I WANTED TO BUT SHE'S IN THE ROOM, I'M GOING TO TAKE MY DICK OUT, SO I KIND OF GOT LAID?

IT'S LIKE A GAME HE ENGULFED?

GIMME IN GOLF.

I HOPE WOMEN KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN WHO ARE VERY HAPPY FOR YOU THAT THIS RECKONING FINALLY CAME ABOUT.

THAT YOUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER FOR IT, IT'S TRUE.

I ALWAYS HATED BULLIES.

BULLIES OF ANY KIND.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT, IS JUST A PARTICULARLY ODIOUS KIND OF BULLYING AND ITS GREAT ALL MEN, NOT JUST THE RICH AND FAMOUS ANYMORE, EVERY MAN IS ON NOTICE.

YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIVE FOULS.

BUT I MUST TELL YOU I TOOK A LITTLE INFORMAL POLL RECENTLY AND THE PENIS IS STILL POPULAR.

THE PENIS HAS DONE SOME VERY BAD THINGS, VERY BAD THINGS, TERRIBLE THINGS.

BUT LADIES, YOU STILL WANT SOME DICK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, DON'T YOU?

WE WANT TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION AND WE NEED TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION THAT'S WHAT I SAY ABOUT THE PENIS, MENDED, DON'T END IT.

GOT EVERYBODY A LITTLE SLACK BECAUSE THE ROMANCE GAME IS A LITTLE TOUCHY, IT'S NOT EXACTLY ALWAYS EASY TO DEFINE.

PASSION AND POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ARE NOT NATURAL ALLIES.

NO ONE IN BED WANTS TO HEAR

"WHO'S YOUR COEQUAL PARTNER?"

NOBODY, RIGHT?

LIBERALS HAVE THE HIGH GROUND ON THIS ISSUE, LET'S NOT VEER OFF AS LIBERALS SO OFTEN DO INTO THAT WEIRD PLACE WHERE WE LOOK RIDICULOUS.

OKAY?

IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED.

MATT DAMON FAMOUSLY SAID I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PAT ON THE ASS AND RATE, THERE WAS A BIG LIBERAL BACKLASH, NO WE DON'T AGREE WITH THAT.

THIS IS ONE REASON WHY WE LOSE ELECTIONS.

THIS IS ONE REASON.

IN 2016, THE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS PLAYED A LITTLE GAME OF CHICKEN WITH EACH OTHER.

AND THE DEMOCRATS SAID TO REPUBLICANS, YOU CANNOT BE SO STUPID AS TO VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP.

AND THEY SAID DON'T EVER TELL US HOW STUPID WE CAN BE.

BUT, THEY HAD A PRETTY GOOD ANSWER WHICH WAS WE GET THAT COME UP DONALD TRUMP IS CRAZY BUT IF YOU THINK WHAT MATT DAMON SAID IS THE LEAST BIT CONTROVERSIAL OR IF YOU THINK THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES IS INSUFFICIENTLY FEMINIST OR YOU THINK ISLAM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ISLAMIC TERRORISM, OR YOU LOSE YOUR SHIT 18 WHITE GIRL DRESSES UP AS POCAHONTAS ON HALLOWEEN, THEN YOU'RE CRAZY TOO AND WE CAN'T TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT.

AND THAT SHIT HAS TO STOP.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT SHIT ANYMORE.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING.

THE ELECTIONS IN THIS COUNTRY ARE RIGGED EXCEPT THEY ARE RIGGED AGAINST US.

GERRYMANDERING, VOTER SUPPRESSION, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, PUTIN COUNTING THE VOTES.

THIS THING IN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS WHERE WE WIN THE MOST VOTES AND THEY GET TO BE PRESIDENT, THAT'S GOT TO STOP.

AL GORE WON BY 500,000 VOTES AND DIDN'T BECOME PRESIDENT, HILLARY WON BY 3 MILLION.

EVEN KIM JONG UN IS LIKE THAT'S FUCKED UP.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SOUNDS LIKE, THAT IS A DEAD ON KIM JONG UN.

I STILL HAVE REPUBLICANS COMING ON MY SHOW, WE DON'T KNOW IF IT AFFECTED THE ELECTION.

DON'T KNOW IF IT AFFECTED THE ELECTION?

DOES CHRIS CHRISTIE EAT OVER THE SINK?

DURING THE CAMPAIGN, DONALD TRUMP'S -- HE HAS TWO GROWN SONS, DUES BAG DUES DOUCN FUCK FACE.

DONNIE DICK FACE GETS THIS EMAIL THAT SAYS WE HAVE DIRT ON HILLARY, SIGNED RUSSIA.

AND HE EMAILS BACK, "I LOVE IT."

IT'S GAME OVER THERE, ISN'T IT?

IF YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL THAT SAYS I I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC KIDDIE PORN AND I EMAILED BACK

"I LOVE IT."

, I THINK THAT'S WHEN I KNOCK K ON YOUR DOOR.

THEIR SHAMELESSNESS IS SO ASTOUNDING, THE WAY THEY WILL TELL A LIE AND BEFORE THE NEXT NEWS CYCLE THEY WILL HAVE A COMPLETELY NEW LYING AND DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR THE LAST ONE, THEY WILL BE LIKE THERE WAS NO MEETING, OKAY THERE WAS A MEETING.

NO RUSSIANS, OKAY THERE WERE ONE RUSSIANS, SORRY I MISSED SPOKE, THREE RUSSIANS, FIVE RUSSIANS WERE AT THE MEETING AND THAT IS, EIGHT RUSSIANS.

THERE WERE EIGHT RUSSIANS AT THE MEETING.

AND THE BALLET.

AND DR. ZHIVAGO AND THE CREW OF THE RED OCTOBER.

YOU WOULD HAVE TO HOLD A MEETING IN A STEAM ROOM TO HAVE MORE RUSSIANS INVOLVED.

OKAY, WE HAD A MEETING BUT IT WAS JUST ABOUT ADOPTIONS.

YES, WE ARE ALL BIG FANS OF ANNIE, IT WAS JUST ABOUT ADOPTIONS.

WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE ELECTION.

ALL RIGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THE ELECTION.

ALL RIGHT, NO COLLUSION.

OKAY THERE WAS POLLUTION.

BUT NO CRIMINAL COLLUSION.

OKAY CRIMINAL COLLUSION BUT THIS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME?

THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE, THAT'S WITH A WHOLE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS.

IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO COMMIT A CRIME?

THEY ARE ON THE SIDE OF CRIME.

THAT'S THE WHOLE PARTY, THE WHOLE PARTY.

IT'S NOT JUST THE CLOWN, IT'S THE CIRCUS, DON'T FORGET THAT.

DONALD TRUMP COULD NOT BE WHERE HE IS WITHOUT ALL OF HIS ENABLERS.

I HAVE GIVEN UP ASKING THE QUESTION WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN BEFORE THEY GIVE UP -- NOTHING.

DONALD TRUMP COULD TWEET TONIGHT OBAMA IS HIDING UNDER MY BED.

AND ON MONDAY SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS WOULD SAY MANY PRESIDENTS HAVE HAD THEIR PREDECESSORS HIDE UNDER THEIR BEDS.

MARTIN VAN BUREN WAS UNDER WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON'S BED FOR TWO YEARS FROM 1837 TO 1839.

GROVER CLEVELAND WAS UNDER THE BED.

OF ALL THE ENABLERS THAT GET UNDER MY SKIN, THE ONE I HATE THE MOST, MIKE PENCE.

SUPER CHRISTIAN.

MONITORS ALL OF DONALD TRUMP'S SLIME BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO CHRISTIAN.

HE'S BEYOND CHRISTIAN, LIFE BEGINS AT DIRECTION.

ERECTION.

HE LIVES BY SOMETHING THEY CALL THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE, HE WILL NEVER GO TO ANY FUNCTION, PARTY, WHERE THERE IS ALCOHOL BEING SERVED IF HIS WIFE IS NOT WITH HIM.

WHY?

BECAUSE THE OTHER CHICKS WOULD BUM IT WOULD BE LIKE TUPAC AND 95.

THEY WOULD BE BLOWING HIM ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS IS IMPORTANT.

I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THE COMEDIAN WHO STOPS THE SHOW AND THIS IS SERIOUS, BUT THIS IS SERIOUS.

A SMALL LIGHTING CHANGE, PERFECT PERFECT.

WHEN I TOOK THE S.A.T.s, I DON'T KNOW IF THEY STILL HAVE THIS QUESTION, THERE WAS A SECTION CALLED CHOOSE THE BEST ANSWER, THERE WERE NEVER AN ANSWER THAT FITS PERFECTLY, THEY WERE TRYING TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING, SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T A PERFECT ANSWER YOU CHOOSE THE BEST ANSWER.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY MIKE PENCE WOULD BE WORSE, I IMPLORE YOU TO RECONSIDER THAT.

MIKE PENCE IS THE KIND OF LOATHSOME CHRISTIAN HYPOCRITE THAT IF I DIDN'T HATE RELIGION ALREADY, I WOULD START.

BUT MIKE PENCE IS NOT TRYING TO BECOME A DICTATOR.

MIKE PENCE DOES NOT TALK ABOUT LOCKING UP JOURNALISTS AND POLITICAL OPPONENTS, HE CAN NAME ALL THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.

HE IS WITHIN THE NORMAL PARAMETERS OF REPUBLICAN OFFAL.

HE IS NOT THE HEAD OF A CRIME FAMILY, HE DOES NOT SEE THINGS THAT DON'T EXIST IF YOU DON'T COUNT JESUS.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO DESTROY GOVERNMENT FROM WITHIN.

SCOTT PRUITT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE HEAD OF THE POLLUTION PROTECTION AGENCY.

BESIDES BEING THE GREATEST SCAM ARTIST I HAVE EVER SEEN, I REALLY THINK SCOTT PRUITT MIGHT BE THREE RACCOONS UNDER A TRENCHCOAT.

IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE A HUMAN.

BESIDES THAT, HE WAS A COAL LOBBYIST AS THE HEAD OF THE EPA, THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS A CONFEDERATE SOLDIER.

THE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION IS MENTALLY CHALLENGED.

RICK PERRY --

TEXAS PEOPLE, YOU'RE VERY PROUD, I CAN SEE.

RICK PERRY RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN

2012 ON A PLATFORM OF HE WANTED TO ELIMINATE THREE GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENTS OF WHICH HE COULD NAME TWO.

I DON'T THINK HE GETS THE CREDIT HE DESERVES FOR BEING ABLE TO NAME ALMOST 67% OF THE DEPARTMENTS HE HIMSELF WANTED TO ELIMINATE.

THE ONE HE COULD NOT REMEMBER?

WAS THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY WHICH HE IS NOW THE HEAD OF.

THAT IS SOME PERFORMANCE ART.

THAT IS A SKIP PAST TROLLING, THAT IS PERFORMANCE ART.

WHEN HE TOOK THE JOB, HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY DID.

IT'S IN CHARGE OF THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

THAT'S WHY OBAMA'S SECRETARY OF ENERGY IT WAS A NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING PHYSICIST.

RICK PERRY?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE, RICK PERRY HAS A BA AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.

REALLY, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A CENTRIFUGE IS.

BUT HE CAN JERK OFF A HORSE.

REALLY?

THAT GUY?

WHAT CAN I SAY?

DEMOCRATS, WE'VE JUST GOT TO WIN WIN.

WE CAN'T BLOW ANYMORE ELECTIONS.

NEXT TIME A LITTLE MORE ABOUT WERE GOING TO BRING YOUR JOBS BACK AND A LITTLE LESS ABOUT WERE GOING TO MAKE YOU PEE NEXT TO A GUY IN A DRESS, NOT THAT I CARE.

I'M TOTALLY ON THE PAGE WITH THE TRANSGENDER, I DOWN WITH YOU GUYS.

I GET IT, SOMETIMES THE EQUIPMENT DOESN'T MATCH THE GENDER.

IT'S COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.

I GET IT.

BUT I ALSO KNOW NORMAL WOMEN WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM, IT'S AN INTIMATE PLACE, I WANT TO KNOW IF THERE'S A PENIS ON DECK.

I'M TALKING ABOUT WOMEN WITH VAGINAS, OLD SCHOOL.

WOMEN CLASSIC, I CALL THEM.

IF ANY OF YOU LADIES STILL HAVE YOUR ORIGINAL VAGINAS, HANG ONTO THOSE THINGS, THEY ARE GOING TO BE VALUABLE SOMEDAY.

HANG ONTO ANYTHING LONG ENOUGH AND IT WILL COME BACK IN STYLE.

TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION ON JOBS, OF COURSE HE WAS LYING BECAUSE HIS MOUTH WAS MOVING AND THERE WASN'T MEAT IN IT.

THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING, MEXICANS ARE STEALING YOUR JOB.

MEXICANS ARE NOT STEALING YOUR JOBS, ROBOTS ARE STEALING YOUR JOBS.

AND IF THEY EVER COME UP WITH A MEXICAN ROBOT, WE ARE REALLY FUCKED.

WHOEVER TOLD THESE "REAL AMERICANS" THAT THE GOVERNMENT WAS AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY ANYWAY?

THERE'S NO MORE GIGS FOR LIFE.

THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.

THE ONLY GIGS FOR LIFE, POPE, 6A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON ANY MAJOR AIRLINE.

THOSE GIRLS ARE OLD.

THEY CALL ME SUNNY.

THERE IS SOME SENIORITY SYSTEM GOING ON THAT UNITED AIRLINES, I'M ALWAYS LIKE CAN I GET A HOT TOWEL WHEN YOU WAKE UP FROM YOUR NAP?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IN MY VIEW, AMERICA DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE ISSUE WE SPENT SO MUCH TIME ON, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE AN IMMIGRATION PROBLEM.

WE HAVE A "MY LIFE DIDN'T TURN OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO SO I BLAME OTHER PEOPLE" PROBLEM.

THAT WE HAVE.

THE GREATEST CON THE REPUBLICANS EVER PULLED ON WORKING-CLASS AMERICANS WAS CONVINCING THEM THAT IT WAS THE IMMIGRANTS AND THE SINGLE MOM WHO ARE BLOCKING THEIR WAY TO THE AMERICAN DREAM.

REMEMBER THE TAKERS?

THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY ANY INCOME TAX, THAT'S WHO HAS ALL THE MONEY, THE PEOPLE WITH NO MONEY!

THE PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR FOOD STAMPS TO BUY DRUGS, I LOVE THAT ONE, THAT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONE FROM BOTH SIDES.

I HAVE BEEN POOR AND I HAVE BEEN A DRUG DEALER.

WE DON'T TAKE FOOD STAMPS.

WE DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT, THAT'S JUST OUR POLICY AND I DON'T THINK IT'S CHANGED.

AMERICA AS YOU WELL KNOW HAS ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DRUGS AND INFINITY TOLERANCE FOR GUNS.

I KNOW I'M IN OKLAHOMA SO I'M GOING TO COVER MYSELF RIGHT AWAY, AND SAY I AM A GUN OWNER, I'M JUST NOT A GUN LOVER.

OKAY?

I DON'T TAKE PICTURES WITH IT, I DON'T POLISH IT.

I DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR WITH IT.

I DON'T TAKE IT ON DATES TO CHIPOTLE.

COME ON, HONEY, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU OFF TO THE FELLAS AT HOME DEPOT.

THAT'S ONE OF THE BIG PROBLEMS IS PSYCHOLOGICAL WITH GUNS.

WE LOVE THEM TOO MUCH.

EVERY YEAR, SOMEBODY -- THEY KEEP A REGISTRY OF THE NAMES THAT PARENTS ARE GIVING THEIR NEWBORNS AND IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS, PARENTS HAVE BEEN NAMING KIDS GUN NAMES.

THEY'VE BEEN NAMING KIDS THINGS LIKE PISTOL, SHOOTER, MAGNUM, REMINGTON -- THIS IS SICK, LIBERALS DON'T DO THIS, LIBERALS DON'T NAME THEIR KIDS PREVIOUS AND JUICER.

YOU KNOW MY BOY KALE, DON'T YOU?

HE'S A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD.

BUT HONESTLY WE DON'T EVER HAVE A LOT OF MOVEMENT ON THE GUN ISSUE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE AN ANTIGUN PARTY WE HAVE REPUBLICANS WHO LOVE GUNS AND DEMOCRATS LOVE THEM SLIGHTLY LESS.

EVERY DEBATE BEGINS WITH AT LEAST WE CAN ALL AGREE WE NEED SOME GUNS TO GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND MORTAR ANIMALS.

BECAUSE WE ARE SPORTSMEN.

ARE YOU?

ARE YOU REALLY?

IS IT A SPORT IF ONE TEAM DOESN'T KNOW THE GAME IS GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A SPORT.

YOU SAW THAT ASSHOLE WITH A GIRAFFE A COUPLE DAYS AGO, DID YOU WANT TO STRANGLE HER?

THESE AFRICAN COUNTRIES, THEY WILL SELL PERMITS TO GO AND SHOOT THESE MAJESTIC ENDANGERED BEASTS AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE EXCUSES?

THEY SAY WE ALLOW YOU TO SHOOT THESE ANIMALS BUT ONLY THE OLDER, NONREADING MALES.

I TAKE THIS VERY PERSONALLY.

I DON'T THINK THIS IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE THAT WE WANT TO GO DOWN.

I THINK THOSE ARE THE MOST CONTRIBUTING PEOPLE IN SOCIETY AND BEYOND THAT I HAVE TO SAY, TURNING 60 IS -- WAS HARD ENOUGH ENOUGH.

FIRST OF ALL WHEN I'M DRIVING TO WORK AND I'M LOOKING FOR IT NOW, I NEVER SEE PEOPLE MY AGE OUT.

IS THAT GUY?

NO.

WERE THEY ALL RAPTURE?

WERE ALLOWED TO BE OUT AT 60.

THE ONLY PLACE I SEE PEOPLE MY AGE ARE IN CIALIS COMMERCIALS.

WHICH I THINK ARE VERY OBNOXIOUS BECAUSE IT'S ALL THIS PRESSURE.

WILL YOU BE READY?

"WILL BE READY?

POST QUOTE NO WONDER GUYS HAVE HEART ATTACKS AT 49, THEY HAVE TO WORRY IF THE RAPTURE COMES, THEY HAVE TO WORRY IF I HAVE A HARD ON.

IF ONE OF THE RAPTURE COMES WHILE I'M FUCKING YOU?

THEY WILL NEVER TAKE ME IF I'M BALLS DEEP IN YOU.

THAT SMARMY VOICE OVER, ONE LOOK CAN TURN THE ORDINARY INTO SOMETHING MORE.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF MARRIAGE, ONE LOOK?

YES, SO BE READY, HAVE WOULD TO, OKAY.

TAKE THE FOUR OUR PILL, NOW THEY HAVE VIAGRA FOR EVERYDAY USE.

JUST KEEP IT HARD, SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW, SHE WILL GIVE YOU THE LOOK.

YOU CAN SEE THIS IN THE COMMERCIAL BECAUSE THEY NEVER JUST GET RIGHT TO BONING, THEY DO STROLLING AND SON EGG AND SHOPPING AND CANOODLING.

IS IT THIS MUCH WORK TO FUCK YOUR OWN WIFE?

I'M SORRY I NEVER GOT ON BOARD WITH THAT.

I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THERE'S ONE WHERE THE COUPLE IS PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A BIRDHOUSE TOGETHER.

THERE LIKE "OH, IT'S ON."

AS SOON AS WE FINISH THIS BIRDHOUSE.

I THINK I JUST GOT -- IS THAT NOT THE LOOK?

I'M GONNA FUCK THE WHOLE IN THIS BIRDHOUSE IN A MINUTE.

I AM NOT AGAINST MARRIAGE, I HAVE NOT.

I'M AGAINST MARRIAGE FOR ME BUT THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL ISSUE, I GET IT.

SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT THEIR SPOUSE, I KNOW GUYS WHO HATE IT WHEN THEIR WIFE IS OUT OF TOWN.

ONE GUY, OKAY.

YOU HAD TO BUST ME ON THAT SO QUICKLY?

ONE GUY, BUT HE'S SINCERE ABOUT IT.

THERE IS THIS MEME, IS THIS A MEAN?

I THINK THIS IS A MEAN, HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.

IT SOUNDS SO SWEET BUT IT'S REALLY A THREAT.

THAT'S A NICE LIFE YOU GOT THERE, SHAME IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO IT.

SO I THINK YOU DO WANT TO GO TO THE STORE AND PICK UP THOSE ITEMS, I THOUGHT YOU DID.

THE OTHER MARRIAGE CLICHE I LOVE, CELEBRITIES LOVE TO SAY IT, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO YOUR MARRIAGE?

THE GUY ALWAYS SAYS SHE KEEPS ME GROUNDED.

I WAS DOING ALL OF THIS SOARING, LUCKILY I GOT THIS BITCH TO REMIND ME THAT I'M NOT ALL THAT, SO THAT'S GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW A COUPLE YEARS AGO OUR FRIENDS AT PFIZER CAME OUT WITH LADY VIAGRA THAT WOULD EVEN THINGS OUT WHICH IS SILLY ON A NUMBER OF LEVELS.

FIRST OF ALL, EVEN THINGS OUT, WOMEN AS WE ALL KNOW HAVE GOTTEN A RAW DEAL THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN ALMOST EVERY CIVILIZATION INCLUDING UP UNTIL TODAY, THE ONE AREA WHERE THEY GOT LUCKY AND DON'T NEED EVENING OUT WAS SEX.

MULTIPLE ORGASMS, YOU WIN.

YOU HAVE A MACHINE GUN, WE HAVE A MUSKET.

DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT TRYING TO RELOAD THAT THING.

WITH THE POWDER AND THE...

HAVE THE TIME IT BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACE.

NOT JUST MULTIPLE ORGASMS, MULTIPLE ZONES.

WOMEN HAVE A VAGINA, AND A CLIT, AND A G SPOT, THE G SPOT?

THEY ONLY FOUND IT DID 1985, THAT'S HOW COMPLICATED WOMEN ARE, THEY'RE STILL DISCOVERING SHIT IN THE 80s.

IF THEY CAME TO ME IN 1985 AND SAID "WE'VE DETECTED A THIRD BALL THAT I THINK...

"I'M SURE WHEN I WAS TAKING OFF THAT LIST OF EROGENOUS ZONES I'M SURE AT LEAST SOME OF YOU OUT THERE WERE SAYING COME ON, WHAT ABOUT THE ASSHOLE?

WE TALKED ABOUT HIM THE WHOLE FIRST HALF OF THE SHOW.

IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, DONALD TRUMP.

THIS IS ABOUT ME.

I MUST SAY, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS AGE.

FIRST OF ALL, I THOUGHT WHEN YOU GOT TO THIS AGE IT WAS ALL ABOUT A BUCKET LIST.

I HAVE NO BUCKET LIST.

NOT THAT I'VE DONE ANYTHING, I'VE DONE A LOT OF THIS BECAUSE I LIKE THIS.

ANYTHING I HAVEN'T DONE, I COULD GIVE A FUCK.

I NEVER WENT SKIING, GOOD.

IT'S COLD AND I DIDN'T DIE ON THE TREE, FANTASTIC.

I NEVER TOOK A DANGEROUS VACATION TO SOME DUSTY PLACE WHERE PEOPLE COULD TAKE A CHICKEN ON A BUS, GOOD.

I'VE NEVER SEEN BREAKING BAD.

BUT I'M OTHERWISE A GOOD PERSON.

ALSO, I HAVE NEVER TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE I HAVE NEVER FUCKED A REPUBLICAN.

TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE.

I DON'T MIND FUCKING YOUR BRAINS OUT, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK THEM IN.

OF COURSE, THE BIG ONE, I NEVER HAD CHILDREN, THAT'S A PERSONAL CHOICE.

IT'S PERSONAL, THERE IS NO MORAL DIMENSION TO IT, ICED, I GET IT, PEOPLE STILL LIKE CHILDREN THEY ARE VERY POPULAR.

JUST DON'T DEPUTIZE ME IN YOUR BATTLE WITH PARENTING.

IF I DO A DRUG JOKE I DON'T WANT TO GIVE MESSAGES FROM PEOPLE YOU'RE GIVING A BAD MESSAGE TO CHILDREN.

FIRST OF ALL, FUCK CHILDREN.

WE DIDN'T USE TO ORGANIZE OUR LIVES ON WHAT CHILDREN MIGHT GET INTO.

I FULLY ENDORSE YOU KEEPING ME AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THEM, KEEP YOUR GUNS AND/OR DRUGS AND YOUR SEX TOYS AND BILL MAHER AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN.

I HAVE SET UP MY LIFE IN SUCH A WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO OR IN ANY WAY INTERACT WITH A CHILD.

BUT WHAT I OCCASIONALLY SEE OF IT LOOKS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

WHERE DID PARENTS GET THIS IDEA THEY HAVE TO NEGOTIATE WITH THEIR KIDS ABOUT EVERYTHING?

I ALWAYS SEE "HEY BUDDY."

YOU'RE READY TO GO?

HOW ABOUT TO GET IN FUCKING CAR?

ALSO, EVERY PARENT I KNOW IS ALWAYS SICK, SNIFFLING, COLD, FLU, YEAH, BECAUSE OF KIDS.

THEY BRING DISEASE, THEY BRING DRUGS, THEIR RAPISTS, AND SOME I ASSUME ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

I WAS A FREE RANGE CHILD.

WE GREW UP ON TAP WATER, BALONEY, AND RED DYE NUMBER TWO SEAT BELTS WERE COMPLETELY OPTIONAL, HELMETS, LET'S SAY THE KIDS WHO WORE HELMETS WENT TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL.

AND I AM SO GLAD FOR MY "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER" UPBRINGING.

I'M GLAD WHEN I WAS A KID THERE WAS NO PORN ON THE PHONE.

NO WONDER THE KIDS ARE FUCKED UP.

ALL OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS, ALL OF THE MASTURBATION TOOK PLACE WITHOUT ANY VISUAL AID WHATSOEVER.

I HAD I DREAM OF JEANNIE ONCE A WEEK AND A LITTLE ADDED MY SISTER'S TEEN BEAT MAGAZINE TO INCREASE YOUR BUST SIZE, ALL OF MY EARLY WHACK --

I DID IT AGAIN.

ALL OF MY EARLY WHACK AND WAS IN THE DARK UNDER THE COVERS IN MY MIND.

SCENARIOS, IMAGES, MEMORIES, THAT'S WHAT MADE ME THE MAN I AM TODAY.

I READ ALL OF THESE REVELATIONS THAT COME OUT FROM THE STUFF AND I'M LIKE I MUST HAVE GROWN UP IN THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT.

EVEN IN MY FANTASIES I SWEAR TO GOD, THERE'S NO WEIRDNESS.

EVEN IN MY FANTASY, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK ANYBODY IN THE ASS.

THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT COMES OUT, ARE YOU PEOPLE NUTS?

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN YOUR ASS, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN YOUR FEET, I DON'T WANT TO COME ON YOUR FACE, I DON'T WANT TO CHOKE YOU.

SHE CAN'T BREATHE, SEXY.

WHAT'S?

I DON'T WANT TO ROLE-PLAY, I DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS A MONEY.

DOESN'T ANYBODY JUST FUCK ANYMORE?

I HAVE HAD THE SAME BASIC FANTASY SINCE I WAS 11 YEARS OLD.

A SUPER HOT CHICK LOVES ME AND I MEAN FUCKING LOVES ME AND MY DICK IS LIKE CRACK TO HER, THE END.

THAT'S IT.

WHEN I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE AGE OF 16 AND 1972, THEY HAD NOT YET INVENTED THE SHAVEN PUSSY.

I WAS TELLING THIS RECENTLY TO THIS MILLENNIAL KID AND IT BLEW HIS MIND.

I SHOULD'VE GIVEN A TRIGGER WARNING.

IT BLEW HIS MIND, HE'S LIKE THAT'S AMAZING BECAUSE LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY IS CONFUSING ENOUGH AS IT IS.

I WAS LIKE TELL ME ABOUT IT, I REMEMBER LOOKING DOWN IT WAS LIKE -- IT LOOKED LIKE A BEETLE WIG.

I REMEMBER THINKING I KNOW WHAT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY ABOUT AMERICA.

AND OUR GREATNESS.

I KNOW IT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE AND WE ARE GOING TO FIND IT AGAIN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU WERE AN AMAZING CROWD.

WERE GOING TO FIND IT AGAIN, WERE GOING TO VOTE, WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS AND WERE GOING TO STICK TOGETHER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU, TULSA.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪