Biology 101 (2013) Script

Please, not... Diane...

It's Thursday.

I know just...

...not tonight.

This is the third Thursday in a row.

I'm exhausted.

Next week, dear?


Thursdays aren't working out, we'll just reschedule for Tuesdays.

Tuesday sounds good.

Talked to Mr. Duke.

Guess what he told me.

Under consideration.

By the time we get the administration to cough up the dough, they'll be as outdated as everything else in here.

Off to corrupt some young minds?

I'll see you later, Marty.

I'll keep on the administration.

They'll come to regret the day they unleashed the wrath of the Thatherton Community College Science Department.

The, uh, uterus can be found inside the pelvis immediately dorsal to the urinary bladder and, uh, ventral to the rectum.

The human penis is made up of three columns of tissue: two corpora cavernosa and one corpus spongiosum.

The enlarged, bulbous-shaped end of the corpus spongiosum forms the glans penis...

Okay, everybody, please turn to page 63 in your books.

All right, I guess we'll end a little early today.

Read chapter six for Wednesday and work on activities nine and ten.

Mr. Pollard?

I'm Marissa Weaver.

I emailed you about transferring in.

Right, right.

Um... let me get you an add slip.

I had you before.

No, I don't think so.

Are you sure? You look really familiar.

I'm positive I had you before.


I've just seen you around campus. That must be it.

Must be.






Dad? Dad!

I need money.


What for?

Uh, we're going to Big Bear this weekend It's for school.

Big Bear for-for school?

Yeah! No.

And what are you wearing? Pull that down.

Jesus, Dad.

Is that from my fund?

See? Sixty grand, and you can't even part with $300?


I'm sorry, what do you need $300 for?

It's for school.


So if I get on the phone and I call Mrs. Harris at the school office she's gonna tell me all about it?

Forget it. Oh, hold on, what's this?

It's nothing.

Really, where did you get "nothing"?

Is it from that boy?

Uh, what boy?

Uh-uh, I'll tell you what-

If you are not mature enough to tell us the truth, you are definitely not mature enough to be getting gifts from boys.

But Mom, everyone else... You are not everyone else.

Hannah, get back here.

I got homework to do.

When did she start lying to me?

She's a teenager, Bill, it's her job to make our lives miserable.

She is not Daddy's little girl anymore.

I wish she were seven again.

I miss my little girl.

She needs to stop this and start acting like an adult, and the sooner that you realize that, the faster she is going to grow up.





Bill, can you explain something to me?

I'm standing here looking at our credit card statement.

Uh, what's it say?

What are all these charges on here for "Dan's Hobby Shop" that keep showing up every month?

Um... chemistry supplies for my classes.

From a hobby shop?

Yeah, some people's hobby is chemistry.

Doesn't Thatherton give you a budget for that?

Yes, dear.

Well, maybe you need to go talk to Mr. Duke again.

I have a budget, Diane.

I know but last time you talked to him, he made you head of the science department, so it couldn't hurt to try.

All right, dear. I'll do that.

You know, the worst that can happen is he can say no.

Okay, dear.

Do you have any idea how much your father and I are sacrificing so that you can have a future?

You keep this up, you're going to end up going to Thatherton.

I'm s-I'm sorry, but you know what I mean.

What happened?

That's what I'd like to know.

You know, I give up.

You-you try talking to her. Do some parenting, Bill.

What happened?

I told Mom I was going to Kristy's house, but then Kristy wanted to go to a party at Walt's and I knew if I told Mom she wouldn't let me go, but then Mia's mom mentioned the party to her this morning and now she's bringing you into it!

Where were you? Walt's house.

Is Walt bracelet-boy?

Dad, that's not the point. I didn't do anything wrong.

You can't blame your mom for being angry.

You shouldn't lie to her.

Whether I lie or not, she's just going to scream at me.

You know she only screams because she loves you.

Well, I'm glad you don't love me that much.

She's right, though.

You need to grow up if you're gonna go to a good school.

I don't care where I go.

You need to start caring.

Have you had a chance to look at this?

You need to check it out.

Scantron and a #2.

Don't have 'em? Borrow from a neighbor.

Neighbor's a jerk?

Should've thought of that before you moved in.

Mr. Pollard?

The answers are already written in my test.

I'm sorry, I must've given you my grading key by mistake.

Thank you for your honesty.

I'll be right back.

Just continue with your mid- term and I'll be right back.

Uh, you wanted to see me, Mr. Duke?

Have a seat, Bill.

Close the door.

I was approached this afternoon by a student who gave me some very...

...distressing information.

He alleges that you were gratifying yourself during a mid-term exam.

Tell me this kid is bonkers, Bill.

I... You really can't believe that.

I didn't think so.

Had a look at this kid's file.

Seems he failed your Biology 101 class twice and probably wasn't feeling too well about the mid-term exam, either.

The old "teacher masturbating in the class" routine.

It's a joke, Bill.


So let's just keep it in the pants from now on.

Oh, and Bill?

The whole thing with the microscopes.

We've been going over the budget and maybe it's not so far-fetched.

Keep your heads up.

Did he wink?

Wink? Did Mr. Duke wink?


So what's this about you masturbating in class?

Marissa, can I see you for a moment?

I've been doing good on my homework.

It'll even out.

You can do better than this, Marissa.

Don't you want to transfer to a good university?

I don't really care.

You need to start caring.

Look, I've been really busy.

I haven't had a lot of time to study.

A lot of things going on?


I'll do better on the next one.

I know you, Marissa.

You're something special.

I don't know if many others can see that.

Where'd you get that?

It was a gift.

Then I guess there is someone who knows how special you are.

You know I'm available.

I'm here to help you whenever you need it.

Why don't you stay after class?

I'll go over the worksheets with you.

Thanks, Mr. Pollard, but I'll be fine.

Just this once, Marissa.

I'll let you slide this once, but you're really gonna have to prove yourself on the final.

I need you to find out who bought this.

So you want me to dig through a shitload of backlogged files?



Mr. Pollard!

I did some math, and if I get a 70 or better on my final...

Are you really content just to glide by in life?

I'm... I've been too easy on you.

You know, real life isn't like this. Real life sucks.

I'm sorry, what did I do?

What is the big deal?

I don't have time for tutoring, okay?

I said forget it.

What is your problem with me?

I said fucking forget it!




Dad? Yes, Hannah.

I need you to come get me. Where are you?

I'm walking to the corner of Elder and Sasdy.

What are you doing there?

Can you just come get me, please?

All right. Give men ten minutes.

You're not going to ask where I was?

Where were you?

You don't care.

Of course I do. Why? Did something happen?

It's just that, you think you know someone, you know?

And then one day it's like they're a completely different person!

And it's not like I care what they're doing, but it's like you don't even know who your own fucking best friend is anymore.

You shouldn't swear, Hannah.

I should've just gotten someone else to drive me home.


What's this?

It's, uh, nothing.

Yes, Mr. Duke.

Take a seat, Bill.

Bill. It was all a mistake.

I- We're all mean here, right? These things happen.

I've never done anything like this before in my life.

I never thought I could! It's just...


You can't tell my wife.

I'm... confused.

Marty, this really isn't any...

You really didn't have to bring him into this.

The hell he didn't! I wanna hear the news.


I spoke with district this morning.

They went over the budget, and apparently there's enough money to get those damn microscopes you two are always going on about.

The Schweitzhours?

The Schweitzhours.

Where the fuck have you been?

Just leave me here to entertain the perverts.

Who's that fucker?

Our new favorite pervert.

Bill... it's three o'clock in the morning.

What are you doing?

The final.

I'm s... The what?

I'm just gettin' an early start in the final.

Well, come to bed now.

I've just-I've got a lot going on.

It's Tuesday.

Is that-is that why you haven't come to bed?

I'm really trying, and you are always in here.

I- I guess we could, if you really want to.

No, that's okay.

Now I'm tired.

Who's that? Your new girlfriend?

What kinda guy do you think I am?

I know exactly what kinda guy you are.

You're supposed to be answering e-mails.

I was doing research.

Fine, I'm doing it. Okay?

Hannah, let's go!

Uncle Ron and Aunt Tricia are already at the restaurant!

In a minute!


It's for me, Diane. I got it.

Bill... I got it.

What do you want from me?

What do you want?

Bill, we need to get going.

Just-just a minute.

Who are you talking to?

Just a minute!

I never...

When did I...

You can't do this.

I never touched you.

I never did anything to you.

What do you want from me?

Who's that?


Ready to go?

We're still waiting on Hannah.


Hey, Dad, I've been thinking.

Yes, dear.

Madison University is great and everything, but...

...I've been looking at the Thatherton catalogue, and...

How 'bout we talk about this later, okay?

But I...

Now's really not the time.


How 'bout I go get the mail?


Hey, Dad?

You got a message.


Bill, Marty.

They're beautiful, I... I just don't know what to say.

I'm at a loss for words.

Okay, okay, so they're not here yet, but I am looking at them in the catalogue and-and-and they're jumping out of the page at me!

Oh, shit.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Bill, you've been acting so incredibly strange today.

I- I don't know.

Oh, that's weird, there's no return address.

Are we okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean... you still find me attractive?

Diane... of course I do.

Say something, anything, so that I know that we're okay.

Bill! They're here!

360° revolving binocular heads!

Inter-pupillary distance regulation!

Double focusing regulation!

Micrometrical and macrometrical!

Movable stage with micrometric movements.

End-stop to ward off slide crash, Bill!

End-stop to ward off slide crash!

The, um, female praying mantis will release...

...pheromones to attract a mate.

In perhaps 30% of the cases studied, um... the female will start to... the male during copulation.

This usually only occurs if the, um, female is hungry, but for the Mantis religiosa it is necessary for the head be removed for the... mating process to take effect properly.

In fact, in all mantises...

...eating the head causes the body to...

...ejaculate quicker.

I guess it's that time. Um, for tomorrow... what's in your syllabus

Fascinating stuff today, Mr. Pollard.

Tell me what you want so we can get this over with.

We want money.

Do I look like I have money?

I work here. They don't even give me dental.

You have a pretty nice house.

Oh, the house, with two mortgages against it?

Minivan in your driveway?

You want that? Take it.

And what about your kid's college fund?


I've got nothing for you to take.

The school is loaded... and you're the head of the science department.

You think they give me an expense account?

They don't trust me with anything but the keys to the...

You'll think of something.

I can fake rape just as well as I faked every orgasm you ever paid for.

What if I can get you something valuable?

Expensive science equipment.

A whole set, brand new, worth almost a... a grand apiece.

Serial numbers?

Engraved on the bottom. You can file 'em right off.

I just-I forget to lock the door and someone breaks in.


Headed home, Marty?


I'm gonna stick around and finish up some paperwork.


I'll lock up.

You just can't get enough, can you, Professor?

Didn't trust us?


Just take the microscopes, don't touch anything else.

They all work?

We haven't had a chance to try 'em yet.

They're brand new.

Just take the microscopes, don't touch anything else.

This is it. What's it?

This is it, we're- we're finished.



What are you doing up so late?

Can't you guess?

Doing my daughterly duty.

Living out the dreams of my parents.

What are your dreams?

I don't know.

It sucks not knowing.

Dad, do you think a person should take every opportunity?


There are some things I wish I could've done differently.

But how can you know if it's going to be a mistake?

I guess you never do.

What's on your mind?


It's cracked. Screwdriver, probably.

These locks aren't worth shit.

I locked up, just like I always do.

And what time was that?

Around 10:30.

I stayed behind to finish up some paperwork, but I had to get home.

Is there anything else missing?

Only my hopes and dreams.

Probably some students heard about the microscopes, waited 'til Mr. Pollard had left, broke in and took 'em.

But they didn't take anything else.

Probably just grabbed the most expensive things.

Look, we'll put a report out.

You'll hear back when we do.

I locked up just like I always do.

We'll hear back when they do.

All right, let's get started.

Hey, Bill?

The maintenance guys just installed the new lock.

They let me take a look at the old one.

You know, the door was scratched to kingdom come, but the lock itself was fine.

I'm gonna keep my eyes open.

You should, too.

Thanks, Marty, I'll do that.

What are you doing here?

What do you want? I thought it was over.

Now, what made you think that?

I got you what you wanted.

I thought we were even.


I don't think that's how this works.

I decide when it's finished.

I have nothing else.

Nothing left in the bank, nothing left for you to take from the school.

You're lyin' to me, Professor.

Do you have any idea how stupid it is for you to lie to me?

You got 60 grand stashed away!

Had it all along.

You put me through all that bullshit of fencing your fucking tinker toys, when you had $63,400.

Isn't that the exact number, Professor?

You're not going to touch that money.

You think I'm fucking around here?!

Do you?!

You better get your priorities straight, Professor.

You need to learn a lesson about harassing girls.

They're all somebody's daughter.

Where's Hannah?

What? Where's Hannah?

Oh, she's out.

She should have been back by now. She usually calls.

No, stop it.

No really, I'm a photographer.


Don't hide.

You've got a great face. Show it off.

You've got a beautiful face.


No, really.

You really are beautiful. Do you know that?

Hey, you should pose for me.

I am not a model.


Well, that's a shame because I've seen a lot of models but I've never seen one that has what you have.


Well, what is it that I have that they don't?

Well, let's just say it takes a lot more than just a pretty face.

You're dirty.

Well, you've got such a great look.

So youthful.

You could really work as a dirty little daddy's girl.


What do you say?

Come on, beautiful.

Come on.

Just try it to see if you like it.

What are you doing?

I need to go out. Why?

I'm going to get Hannah.

What is going on?


Where is she?! Where is she?!

Hannah! Take it easy.

I got you what you wanted.

You had to bring my daughter into it?!


What the fuck is he talking about, Shawn?

My daughter! Where is she?

She's gone, she couldn't do it.

Did he touch her? No.

So, this was your idea to expand the website?

You bring his fucking daughter into it?!

Shut up.

Don't worry, you really were special.

Come on, you're not gonna shoot me, are you?

I know you, Bill.

I know you.

Aw man, you just fucked up.

That's attempted murder, motherfucker.

You wanna go to jail for attempted murder?

Hand over the sixty grand!

We'll tell your boss.

We'll tell your wife.

Oh, we'll make your life very interesting.

Do it.


You want to get me fired from that miserable job?

Go ahead.

You want to ruin my marriage?

It's already done.

Just stay away from my daughter.

You really wanna throw it all away, huh?

In a heartbeat.

That's fuckin' bullshit.

You think you can fuck up my life any more than I fucked it up myself?


Do you not see he doesn't fucking care anymore?

You are such a loser!

Get out.

I am done with the both of you.

I have paying perverts to deal with.

Get the fuck out!

Can I get a ride?

What happened to your car?

It's hers.

I'm going home.

See ya later, Marty.

No no no no, he did not tell me that.

No no no, really!

Oh my God, no way!


No, I didn't say that.

No. What did he say?

I... um...

Yeah, I gotta go.

Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow.


Is Hannah in bed?


You staying up for a while?

Probably not.

Hey, lover. How can I please you tonight?